Mom s05e17 Episode Script

Crazy Snakes and a Clog to the Head

Really? That's how you're gonna do it? Wendy, she's a prison nurse, which means she can kick your ass and bandage you up.
Not properly.
Follow my finger, follow my finger.
What are you looking for? I don't know.
I'm fine.
I think I just took a clog to the head.
I'm sorry.
They help me with my back pain.
And it wasn't my fault, someone hit me with Wendy.
Oh, my God, my watch.
My watch.
Someone stole my watch! Oh wait, I hid it in my bra.
Is everyone all right? - No, her arm is broken.
- It's not broken.
It's just poorly bandaged.
We were just trying to help some alcoholics.
Oh, hey.
Anyone lose an earring? Ah! It's a tooth! Can you tell me exactly what happened here? (all talking at once) Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
One at a time, please.
Okay, okay.
I organized an AA meeting for your inmates and we were all very excited to be here this afternoon.
Oh, God, why do we have to do this? Adam and I had plans.
- To do what? - Anything but this.
And how did I get roped into driving? I should be in the back seat studying for the LSATs.
Trust me, you do not want be crammed in this little back seat.
It's like a Red Bull graveyard back here.
Or as I like to call it, sober cocaine.
Why didn't we take your car? It's roomy and it has the Broadway Channel.
Those crooks see me pull up in my Range Rover, next thing you know I'm a hostage with a torn blouse doing whatever it takes to survive.
Go on.
Jill, there's guards in the room.
We'll be fine.
There will be guards, right, Marjorie? Yes, and we all agreed to do this panel months ago.
Only because you're old and we assumed you'd forget.
Mom, I'll give you a hundred bucks if you remember our phone number.
Five something.
I just don't know what I have to offer.
A bunch of convicts aren't gonna relate to my story: some rich bitch who went to four fancy rehabs to get sober.
It's just gonna make 'em angry.
It makes me angry.
Look, it's important to share our recovery with these women.
The first meeting I ever went to was when I was in prison.
Who knows, you can change someone's life today.
Or we could assume their lives are fine and just go home.
I'm excited to talk to them.
I even came up with a few jokes to break the ice.
So these two serial killers are in a canoe Stop.
I am not getting shivved because you want to be Jimmy Kimmel.
You don't get "shivved," you get "shanked.
A shiv is a thing you get shanked with.
You get shanked with a shiv.
ANDREA: Excuse me.
Can you move the story along? I'm sorry, I'm just trying to give you context.
JILL: Marjorie, let me take it from here.
We arrived, ate a bowl of something gray with cornbread.
Then we started the panel for the inmates.
Wendy bombed with her jokes.
Hey, they were starting to warm up.
Someone spit on you.
Then Christy did her usual "hate my mom, gonna be a lawyer" deal, then it was my turn to share my story.
Which wasn't your story at all.
All right, I may have gotten off to a rocky start.
I'm not gonna lie, it's just so hard being poor.
Jugglin' four jobs at four different job places.
Okay, even I didn't believe what I just said.
Truth is, I'm rich.
Like, "I don't even know how much a loaf of bread costs" rich.
(sighs) But all that money couldn't keep me from using.
I recently threw away three years of sobriety.
I was drinking in every room of my big, fancy house, including the gym.
It's real hard to crash a stationary bike, but it can be done.
Now I've got a little over a month and I'm holding on for dear life.
I'm not sure if that makes sense to any of you, but, that's my story.
Thank you.
Shoulda skipped the part about the gym.
Why? They got a gym here.
First, let me apologize for Wendy's "captive audience" joke.
She doesn't get out much.
Well, probably more than you.
(laughter) That's how it's done.
Anyway, I'm Bonnie and I'm an alcoholic.
INMATES: Hi, Bonnie.
Bonnie Plunkett? You ruined my life! (screams) Code three, rec room.
- Oh, God.
- (indistinct shouting) Oh, my God! I'm gonna die in a women's prison! Well, how do you know Tammy Diffendorf? I don't.
I have never seen her before in my life.
But she knew your name and said she wanted to kill you.
My mom gets that more often than you think.
Do you want to press charges? Would there be any monetary compensation for my pain and suffering? No.
37 years I've been doing these panels, never once have I been hit with a chair.
(scoffs) Are you implying this is my fault? She didn't threaten to kill me.
She would if she knew you.
You really don't remember who she is? I'm telling you, I don't know her.
Tammy Diffendorf is not a name you forget.
Maybe she's someone from your drug days.
Everyone who wants to kill me is from my drug days.
No, they're not.
Hopefully, we managed to do some good before the riot broke out.
I think my story touched people.
I saw a few tears.
Those were tattoos.
I think they really connected with your story, Christy: ex-stripper studying to be a lawyer.
They did, didn't they? Like if they were to make a movie of my life, that scene would definitely be in the trailer.
Well, I'm glad you all had such a wonderful time.
Meanwhile, some maniac named Tammy is running around with my DNA under her fingernails.
Tammy Tammy Who the hell is Tammy? Tammy.
- Tammy, Tammy, Tammy, Tammy, Tammy.
- Mom.
I've got an idea.
You say the name "Tammy" 500 more times, I'm gonna go thank my lucky stars for a toilet with a seat.
Tammy Tammy Tammy.
Tammy Tammy.
(muffled): Tammy.
Guys, I had a major breakthrough at the meeting today.
I mean, it was like a thunderbolt.
Every mistake I've ever made in my life is because Oh, my God! Tammy.
- I was talking.
- I know, and thank you.
That's when I do my best thinking.
So you remember? Yes, I don't know if it's the coffee or me not wanting to hear Wendy's story, but it's finally coming back to me.
Maybe we should let Wendy finish.
Oh, come on, Marjorie.
A gigantic woman tackled Bonnie.
Tell me you don't want to hear the "who," "what," "why.
" I think I may have mentioned in passing that I was in foster care.
- Nah.
- Stop.
- No, really? - You? Anyway, when I was 14, I got placed with a family in Vallejo.
Vallejo? Sounds dusty.
I'd been bouncing from one crap hole to another for years, but this new place was actually decent.
I had my own room for the first time.
I could drink, smoke dope, sneak boys in through the window, but then they took in this other girl.
Tammy? Tammy.
She had these adorable French braids.
She did her homework every night.
She helped around the house with the chores.
She was polite, considerate, cheerful.
I hated her guts.
Having Little Miss Perfect around was screwing my sweet deal.
I had to find a way to bring her to the dark side.
Turns out, I'm really good at bringing people to the dark side.
- Stop.
- No.
- Really? - What? Anyway, she had this boyfriend, another straight-A, goody-two-shoes nerd.
But the nerd had a penis, and that made him weak.
So, I had my friend Donna Very chesty, lots of tube tops, she's dead now I had her make out with him behind the gym just as I innocently walked Tammy around the corner.
Oh, she was devastated.
Luckily, I had the perfect thing to comfort her.
BONNIE: Wanna get away? Before I knew it, Tammy went bad girl in a big way.
Even I was impressed.
She was wakin' and bakin', flunkin' tests, buying vodka from the janitor.
A month later, she was gone.
(laughs) Ah, misty water-colored memories.
So, who wants to split a chef's salad? What? A whole salad makes me bloaty.
Bonnie, you do realize what you did to Tammy was wrong Although impressively complex for a 14-year-old.
Not that impressive.
14-year-olds are pure evil.
I spent three semesters taking down an art teacher.
Tell me my horse painting was unrealistic.
What is it with janitors and vodka? Our junior high janitor didn't have a hand, but he always had vodka.
Are you saying it's my fault she's in jail? No, I didn't say that.
Then what are you saying, Marjorie? - May I? - Yes.
I'm so tired of this.
"And so, I-I'd like to make amends "for those terrible things I did to you "when we were both struggling with the challenges of the foster care system.
" That's it? That's all I prepared, but I could riff a little.
You're unbelievable.
Thank you, but I can't take full credit.
I've learned a lot from the program, but most of it is me.
Screw your program.
I only went to that meeting to get away from my masturbating cellmate.
Talk about addiction.
Is she top bunk, or bottom bunk? I-I don't know why I asked that.
Let me get this straight.
You drove all the way out here to apologize to me for handing me a joint and messing around with my boyfriend? Technically, that was Donna, may she rest in peace.
Oh, she's dead? Good.
Now when are you gonna apologize for what you really did to me? Well, um, I was hoping my apology was, uh, more of a blanket type deal, but if there are specifics, I could tackle them on a case-by-case basis.
You got me kicked out of that house! No, no, you got kicked out 'cause you stole our foster father's wallet.
No, you stole his wallet - and planted it in my book bag.
- Oh.
They kicked me out and put me in a group home.
It was hell, so I took off.
I was 14 years old, living on the street, doing stuff I didn't even know I was capable of.
Aw, Tammy, I'm so sorry.
Yeah, well, "sorry" doesn't help me, does it? 'Cause you're out there, and I'm in here.
I spent the last 40 years wishing I never met you.
Guard? I'm so upset about what I did to this woman.
I can't eat, I can't sleep.
I'm haunted, like the guy who hears his own heart through the wall in that Stephen King book.
- Like she read a book.
- BONNIE: I'm telling you - it's been a nightmare.
- Like she has a heart.
You know, a week ago, I couldn't even remember who this woman was.
Turns out I ruined her life.
Makes me wonder how many other peoples' lives I might have ruined.
That I don't know of.
Anyway, made my amends, totally tanked.
Just wish there was something else I could do.
Happy to be sober, where every day I get to discover new ways I'm terrible.
Anyone else like to share? - I'll go.
Christy, alcoholic.
- ALL: Hi, Christy.
First of all, the book my mother was referring to was The Telltale Heart by Edgar Allan Poe.
I liked it better when she was stupid.
I bitch about my life in this room a lot, but after visiting that prison, I got to say, I feel lucky.
I met women in there doing time for things I've done.
I just didn't get caught.
It's funny.
Getting into law school has been such a pain in the ass.
I was starting to wonder if it was worth it.
But if some day, I get to help just one of these women, I know it is.
Who knows? Maybe I can devote my entire practice to people my mother destroyed.
But will I hear a thank you? Hey, there she is! They said you have a prepaid phone card for me? And six pairs of underwear in various styles.
If you're not a thong girl, perhaps you could barter them for snacks.
I'm her daughter Christy.
Man, how much did you smoke? In her defense, she didn't know she was pregnant till I fell out of her.
We're not here to talk about me.
Now, I went to the prison officials and explained your attack on me was totally justified.
- You get me my privileges back? - No.
They laughed at me.
Actually, they were kind of mean about it.
And a little condescending.
Be sure to give the prison a bad Yelp review.
Are we done here? No.
The reason I brought my daughter is she's a lawyer.
Not a lawyer, not yet.
But I know one, and he's agreed to take a look at your case.
Yeah, we thought we could see if there was a way we could get you out early.
Oh, that's great because I totally didn't mean to kill those people and eat them.
What? Kidding.
I robbed an Outback Steakhouse.
Just my luck, it was "Cops Eat Free" night.
I was arrested by 32 people.
Okay, well, did any of them get a little grabby? This is our time.
I was tripping balls on mushrooms, sweetie.
I got no idea.
- So, are we done? - Uh, yeah.
Guess so.
Tammy? Listen, I-I know you hate my mom, and you have every right to, but you should know she genuinely feels terrible, and now she's a really good person.
Well, she's a better person.
She's a person.
Let's go, Christy.
- Hey, Plunkett? - BOTH: Yeah.
Not you, Cigarette Baby.
Those people we lived with They end up adopting you? Hell, no.
I got kicked out two weeks after you did.
Stole her wallet, had no one to blame it on.
- Where'd you end up? - Chicken farm in Bakersfield.
Even worse than it sounds.
We actually had it pretty good at that house, didn't we? Ugh.
Yeah, they were nice people.
And they had no idea what marijuana smelled like.
(laughing): I know, right? What did you tell them? There was a family of skunks living under the house? (laughing): Oh, yeah.
And they followed me to school one time.
(laughs) - Wait.
Do you still draw? - What? You used to draw all those crazy snakes everywhere, you know.
On walls, inside cereal boxes.
I forgot about that.
Remember I drew one on the neck of that crazy red-headed guy when he was asleep? - What was his name? - I don't remember, man.
- He was psycho.
- Oh, my God.
- No one home in those eyes.
- Mm-hmm.
- Ooh.
Good in bed, though.
- Yeah, he was.
You call it "tequila"? I call it "to-kill-ya.
" (laughs) You feel me, right, ma'am? Where are you from? (quietly): They're not gonna laugh.
Sit down.
All right, you've been great.
(weak applause) It's nice they let us come back.
You ever stop to think that maybe we're part of their punishment? Hi.
I'm Bonnie, and I'm an alcoholic.
ALL: Hi, Bonnie.
Bonnie Plunkett?! Uh-oh.
Oh! I remember this one.
It's bad.
It's really bad! (indistinct shouting)