Mom s05e18 Episode Script

Spaghetti Sauce and a Dumpster Fire

Okay, what spaghetti sauce do you want? Well, I don't remember the name.
It's the one with that actor's face on it.
Paul Newman? No.
The one where the proceeds go to charity.
Oh.
Paul Newman.
No, it's the one who does all those movies with Robert Redford.
That's Paul Newman.
You're not listening to me.
- I think you mean Paul Newman.
- Adam says it's Paul Newman.
Sure.
Let's try that.
Oh, don't forget popcorn.
I like the kind with the guy with that bow-tie.
- Orville Redenbacher? - No.
It's a funny name.
Call me back when Adam tells you it's Orville Redenbacher.
No! Don't serve her! I was next.
I mean, why the hell do you have numbers if you're just gonna ignore them?! I have 24.
I have 24! - Ma'am, please, calm down.
- Don't tell me to calm down.
Just get me my thinly sliced low-sodium ham or I am coming over that counter.
Back off, 25.
"I have 24! I have 24!" Guys, you had to see it.
She was flipping out over ham.
Why didn't you record it and put it on YouTube? I think they even have an "Old People Losing It" channel.
But it wasn't funny.
Put some circus music behind it, it'll be funny.
"Old Man Sends Back Soup" doesn't sound funny, either, but hit it was a little (imitates circus music) There goes your afternoon.
It's weird to see your sponsor melting down like that.
I mean, she's the one I call when I melt down.
You can always talk to me.
I'm usually melting down because of you.
Well, I think Marjorie is perfect 'cause here she is.
Hey, Marjorie! Hello, ladies.
Sorry I'm late.
- Nice track suit.
- Glad you're here.
We weren't talking about anything.
CHRISTY: So anything new with you? Actually, I was at the grocery store earlier and I did something terrible.
(sighs) I bought cookies for the meeting.
(blows raspberries) I just didn't have time today to bake.
I hope you don't think less of me.
You're right, Christy.
She's an unhinged lunatic.
(laughs) Laugh all you want.
You weren't there.
- No, this.
Check out grandpa.
- (circus music playing) A pigeon steals his sandwich.
(laughter) What's everyone doing Saturday? - We're free.
- Don't commit so fast.
That's how we ended up playing Scattergories with her weird nurse friends.
That was fun.
I got my blood pressure checked and I learned the word, "penumbra.
" I got a Groupon for us all to get foot massages.
- My treat.
- lt's free? We're free.
What's a Groupon? Oh, for God's sake, Jill.
Rhymes with "coupon," has "group" in it.
Use your brain.
- Sorry.
- Marjorie, is everything okay? Yeah.
Why? Because you just cast quite a penumbra over this gathering.
- You do seem a little cranky.
- Cranky? What does that mean? Cantankerous, irascible, truculent.
See, Jill? I know words, too.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Okay.
I was at the grocery store today and I kind of saw you kind of yelling at the deli guy.
Kind of.
I wasn't yelling.
I was setting a boundary.
Sure, sure, sure.
Sure.
It just that your boundary made the deli guy kind of cry.
Well, he skipped over me.
I was merely reminding him I was there.
Oh, the people at the Yarn Barn next door knew you were there.
(singsongy): This is getting uncomfortable.
(singsongy): I know.
I love it.
I appreciate your concern, Christy, but it's really no big deal.
Okay.
Well, that was a dry hump.
Oh, Christy, I went back to that shoe store and that cute sales guy that gave you his number said you didn't call.
Why didn't you call? You should call.
Patrick and I just broke up.
It's way too early to start seeing someone.
Patrick doesn't think so.
What? Adam said he's dating someone else.
Why would you tell me that? Because I don't keep secrets from you.
You didn't tell me who my dad was till I was 36.
That's when I learned my lesson.
I don't believe this.
Where did he meet her? No.
No, no.
Don't tell me.
Where did he meet her? - At a yoga class.
- I said don't tell me.
To be fair, you were a little flippy-floppy.
I truly didn't think it would bother you.
Of course not because you don't have normal human emotions.
Hey, stop yelling at your mother.
Me? Yelling? You at the deli, that was yelling.
I am not yelling.
(quietly): It's getting good again.
You totally did! CHRISTY: I did not! You're insane.
Uh-oh.
Peaceful time is over.
Put yourself in my shoes.
Hi, Adam.
How would you like it? Hey, we've been through this already.
Hey, honey.
I was just trying to be honest with you.
- Oh, please.
- This is the part where we try to figure out - what they're fighting about.
- You were not trying to be honest.
You love stirring the pot.
I told you one, tiny thing.
"Tiny"? You call that tiny? Why don't you just tell me if they're having sex? Well, I've got it.
Have you figured it out yet? Do you really want to know or is this just another one of your traps? I can't believe you told her about Patrick.
I didn't tell her everything.
There's more? No.
- I'm taking Gus for a walk.
- I already took him.
Hey, man, I'm not actually taking him for a walk.
I just want to get out of here.
All right.
Spit it out.
What's she not telling me? Okay, here's the thing.
I'm not stupid.
Damn it.
Everyone's pissing me off today.
You, Patrick, my mom, Marjorie.
Hey, hey, don't say anything bad about Marjorie.
That woman's a genius.
You barely know her.
I know that she makes your mother apologize every time we fight.
I don't know how she does it.
It's like watching David Copperfield.
How could Patrick ask me to move in with him one minute and then run off with this yoga chick the next? They're not running off.
It's one week of surfing in Costa Rica.
What? Oh, that's the part she didn't tell you about, huh? He was gonna take me surfing in Costa Rica.
I even pretended to want to.
You know who can make you feel better about this? Marjorie.
You should call her.
There you go.
I'm not calling Marjorie.
I am calling this super cute shoe salesman who is taller than Patrick, so you should tell him 'cause I am really, really into does that say Jake or Jack? Oh, my God, this feels so good.
I still don't know what the heck a Groupon is, but I am loving this.
Wendy, this is wonderful.
I made a wonderful thing happen.
Yippee! And just like that, you ruined it.
Foot massage and a date all in one weekend.
That's right.
I have a date.
Big date.
This weekend.
You have a date? Why, yes, I do.
I thought you said it was too soon.
Hey, if Patrick can go to Costa Rica, I can go out with a manager of a Lady Foot Locker.
So you're using this fella? How am I using him? Well, you weren't interested in him until you found out Patrick was dating.
I'm allowed to change my mind.
I think you're making a mistake.
Well, I don't.
I'd like more pressure on my heels and more shut up from you two.
I know what I'm doing.
Okay.
Don't say, "okay," when it's clearly not "okay.
" Just say what you think.
What does it matter what I think? You're just gonna do what you want to do, anyway.
Excuse me? I'm so tired of having you ask my opinion.
I give it.
You ignore it.
You make a mess.
Then you ask my opinion about the mess, I give it, you ignore it and you make another mess.
What's the point? I always do what you say.
But lately, you don't do what you say.
Careful.
Slippery feet.
- Where are you going? - I'm leaving.
JILL: Marjorie.
Don't go.
Marjorie, wait.
Careful.
Slippery feet.
- Slow down! - Leave me alone.
I could watch this all day.
- Should I follow them? - Please do.
It's the only thing that would make this better.
Aah! I can't believe you just stormed out of there.
I have a two-hour break while Victor has a caregiver and this isn't how I want to spend my time.
- And you think this is what I want? - I have no idea what you want.
I want to call you and tell you I got into a fight with somebody but I can't because you're that somebody.
I'm not gonna talk to you right now.
You're my sponsor.
You have to talk to me.
I don't have to do anything.
I don't know what's going on with you, but this isn't working for me.
If we can't talk, you can't be my sponsor.
Then I can't be your sponsor.
- Fine.
- Fine.
and apparently, she's a 25-year-old fitness model who's got huge Oh, hi, honey.
First you and Patrick break up, then you and Marjorie.
Are you starting to think maybe it's you? Could you just help me pick a new sponsor? Absolutely.
This room is chock-full of strong, sober women, and Wendy.
What about Catherine? Are you crazy? You don't want a knitter.
You call her with your problems, all you're gonna hear is "clickety, click, click, click.
" And then, she's gonna make you one of those butterfly sweaters, and you'll have to wear it.
Look at poor Denise.
- Hi, Jill.
- Hi.
- Christy.
- Marjorie.
Chilly.
And not the delicious kind that comes in a bowl.
See? That's why I need a new sponsor.
To talk about things like that.
And I know exactly what I'm looking for.
Somebody who's sweet and gentle, like a drunk Mother Goose.
Bonnie, I saw what you did.
You knock over a cup of coffee, you clean up a cup of coffee.
You don't understand, I didn't spill that - Don't care.
Mop's in the closet.
- Okay, fine.
Screw Mother Goose.
I want her.
Thanks for having coffee with me.
I've always liked your shares.
I bet you help a lot of people.
Probably, too many.
So why would you have time for me? I'm sorry I bothered you, I should go.
Wow, you're gonna be a lot of work.
Does that mean you'll sponsor me? Before I answer, I have one question.
Are they gonna do that every time we meet? - Now that's what chicken salad is.
- Can you believe how much ice - they gave me? - My sweater's brown.
I'll talk to them.
Okay, good.
Now, I'm gonna need you to go to at least five meetings a week.
- Wow.
Okay, five it is.
- And you need to call me every day.
Sounds good.
Can I call you constantly? Sure, but not after 8:00, because that's my family time.
Mine, too.
That's when I'm gonna need you most.
You call me after 8:00 and it's not an emergency, you're coming over to watch Puppy Dog Pals with my kids.
Got it.
Wow.
- You've got a lot of rules.
- Oh, we're just getting started.
I'm here to sponsor you, not be your friend.
You seem to have plenty of those.
So I have a sponsor? Yes.
Thank you.
Do you want to split a cheesecake to celebrate? I don't split things, I don't think cheese should be in cake and I don't like to celebrate.
I'm kidding, except about the cheesecake.
That's a weird texture.
So, how long have you been in AA? 26 years.
Whoa.
Did you get sober in kindergarten? High school.
I died of a heroin overdose.
For less than a minute, but it certainly got my attention.
That happened to my mom twice.
Her fix was to steal a defibrillator.
So, uh, school, work, what else? Are you in a relationship? No.
I-I have a date tonight, - but I'm thinking about canceling it.
- Why? Because I only said yes after I found out my previous boyfriend is dating.
Do you think I'm using the new guy? How about you just go out with him and see what happens? Really? My philosophy is, "Just show up.
" Mine is, "Worry about stuff till my hair comes out in the shower.
" How's that working out for you? I'm not wearing my hair in a ponytail 'cause I love it.
(laughs) Hey.
On the count of three, let's laugh real hard so they think we're having a better time than they are.
One, two, three.
(laughs) Y'all made me look like an idiot.
(knocking on door) You weren't at the meeting, you weren't at the bistro, you didn't answer your phone.
I just wanted to make sure your cats weren't feasting on your carcass.
Good to see you, too.
I thought about bringing you something to eat, but I'm already way out of my comfort zone just checking on you.
Oh.
Victor and I already ate, but thanks.
You want some tea? As long as I don't have to lick it out of a saucer.
So, how was the meeting? Meh.
You weren't there.
I missed you.
What's happening to me? - How's Christy doing? - Fine, she's getting ready for a date.
Something her new sponsor encouraged.
Oh.
So she found someone already? Does that upset you? You gonna go all "Marjorie wants ham" on me? I'm happy for her.
Just a little surprised it happened so quickly.
Eh, it's not that complicated.
Most meetings you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a wise old drunk.
No offense, fellas.
You know, if it were that easy, I'd have found someone by now.
You still haven't found a new sponsor? Uh, Bonnie, I had the same person for 36 years, and then she drank, so shoot me if it's taken a couple of months to find someone to open up to.
That happened over a year ago.
You haven't had a sponsor since then? I've been sober a long time.
It's different for me.
Someone once said the most dangerous words for an alcoholic were "I'm different.
" Oh, wait, it was you.
Don't try to use my stuff against me.
But you have a lot going on.
Your husband had a stroke.
You're taking care of him, and sponsoring half of Napa.
You need someone.
You know what? I'm handling things just fine on my own.
Really? 'Cause there's a deli guy and a perky wannabe lawyer that would disagree with that.
I am worried about you.
Seriously, what is happening to me? - He was very sweet.
- Hmm.
He took me out to dinner, asked me all kinds of questions about myself and listened to the answers.
(sighs) I was bored out of my mind.
So when are you seeing him again? - I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
- No.
There were no sparks.
- That's a good thing.
What an alcoholic sees as sparks is usually the beginning of a dumpster fire.
What we find boring can just be healthy, and normal.
I used to only be attracted to men that were married, broken and mean.
Mmm.
That sounds hot.
(laughs softly) But then, my sponsor made me go on a second date with a nice guy I had no interest in.
Long story short, we've been happily married for 18 years.
If I had only done what I wanted to do, I'd still be supporting drummers who borrow my car and never come back.
Do you still have their phone numbers? (both laugh softly) They're doing it again.
(laughs) Damn it, you guys.
So who would like to share? (sighs) Hi.
Marjorie, alcoholic.
ALL: Hi, Marjorie.
I haven't wanted to share lately because I've been struggling, and when you've been sober a long time, that can be hard to admit.
But here's the thing: getting older sucks.
You know? People treat me differently.
They don't engage me in conversation, they assume there's nothing interesting about me.
And I just want to scream at them, "I robbed a bank, I took a bath with Jimi Hendrix, I've lived!" But all they see is a is an old woman.
If they see me at all.
The other day, in the grocery store, the fella behind the deli counter looked right through me and went on to the next person, and I completely lost it.
It would have been a good time to call my sponsor, but I don't have one.
Yeah.
I know.
Hard to believe, but even an old-timer like me can forget that you can't do this program by yourself.
And I'm grateful that I have good friends in here who reminded me.
Thank you.
Look at that.
I fixed Marjorie.
- Hey.
- Hey.
My mom went to park.
Jill and Wendy are parking, too.
- I think we're being set up.
- I think you're right.
Christy, I'm sorry.
I've been a gigantic pain in the ass.
I live with Bonnie Plunkett.
My ass has seen worse.
I loved your share.
(sighs) I haven't shared like that in a long time.
It's good to see that even you struggle sometimes.
You'll be happy to know I have a new sponsor.
I asked Catherine.
- The knitter? - Mm-hmm.
She might make you a butterfly sweater.
Wouldn't that be wonderful? So we're good? Yeah.
Yeah, we're good.
But I am gonna stick with Nora.
I hope that's okay.
Of course it is, sweetie.
You've come a long way since we met.
Maybe you just need something a little different now.
I never could've gotten sober without you.
Thank you for everything.
No matter how old my mom gets, she's never gonna be invisible.
(laughs)