Mom s05e20 Episode Script

Ocular Fluid and Fighting Robots

1 All right, we're off to the meeting.
Have fun or cry, or whatever you guys do.
I have fun making other people cry.
- Did you find your keys yet? - Oh, yeah.
Ten minutes ago.
Now I'm just crawling around looking for snacks.
I told you a million times, - if you put your keys in the same - Bup-bup-bup.
Maybe I left them upstairs.
(sportscaster speaking indistinctly on TV) At some point tonight, between hockey fights, could you throw away your tuna sandwich that's been sitting there since lunch? - I'll get to it.
- Will you, though? 'Cause "I'll get to it" has kind of been your motto lately, only things never actually get got to.
If it bothers you so much, why don't you do it? 'Cause I told you to do it.
(chuckles softly) I was actually gonna do it, but you just made it a thing.
It's only a thing 'cause you made it a thing, thing maker.
Couldn't find them.
I promise I will put everything back in the closet when we get home.
Better do it right away, or it could become a thing.
Mom, can you just drive? Unbelievable you can't keep track of your keys, so I get inconvenienced.
Oh, look I found your keys.
Why do you have them? I borrowed your car to go to the store (mumbling): when I couldn't find my keys.
Anyway you drive.
Oh, and you're on empty.
- I'll try not to kill her.
- Whatever happens, happens.
(groans) Nice work You made us late and now Wendy's in my seat.
- It's not your seat.
- Yeah, not today, thanks to you.
I need my sponsor.
I need my sponsor.
You will never guess what my mother just did.
You do realize that's how you say hello.
- I'm sorry.
- Hi.
You will never guess what my mother just did.
Instead of diving into that all-too-familiar pool of resentment, let me ask you something.
You're 40 years old, right? Not on Tinder.
- You have a a job? - Yes.
And your mother drives you absolutely bananas.
- Oh, yeah.
- So why do you still live with her? BONNIE: Wendy, I think you're sitting on something.
- Oh, what? - My chair.
Did you see what your mother just did? I know.
Why the hell do I still live with her? What is happening today? Now you're stealing my seat? I am middle.
What does it matter? That way I can have fries no matter who orders them.
- Wait, I have to pee.
Get up.
- Oh! That's why I like sitting next to you You have the bladder of a camel.
And the outsides of a much more attractive animal.
Do you guys think it's weird that I still live with my mother? I mean, she's asking, so we can answer, right? She opened the door Walk on through.
Okay, it's kind of like if you hated muffins, but you decided to live in a muffin factory.
Oh, I'd love to live in a muffin factory.
What is a muffin factory? Isn't it just a bakery? "Bakery" implies that there'd also be bread.
We don't have a lot of time! Yes.
You living with your mother is weird.
Really weird.
Like "people talk about it" weird.
But not us.
What do you think? Well, when you were both getting sober, it made sense.
But, uh, time has passed.
A lot of time has passed.
- Are you moving out? - I'm not sure.
Nora told me to figure out what my options are, but I think I'm too poor for options.
Christy I see you fishing for an invitation, and I love you like sweet tea, but living together always ruins a friendship.
You know, the way children ruin a marriage.
- There's plenty of room at my house.
- Oh, yeah, do that.
One of my roommates is moving out 'cause she "fell in love.
" I don't know.
Maybe moving is more trouble than it's worth.
- Fee-fi-fo-fum.
- (door closes) Up.
Oh, damn it, I forgot to put money in the meter.
Up again.
So, would I get my own bathroom? Hurry up, Bonnie! BONNIE: Hey! Perfection takes time.
You know while you were waiting, you could have thrown away that sandwich.
Could have.
Are you gonna get dressed? I am dressed.
You're wearing a T-shirt.
And pants and shoes and let's go.
You know what that T-shirt says to me? It says "the woman I'm with isn't worth buttons and sleeves.
" To me, it says the "University of North Dakota.
" I'd like you to change.
My clothes or who I am? Both.
Not happening.
Well, then I am no longer in the mood for dinner.
- But I'm starving.
- Then eat your sandwich! So, Christy, what'd you think of the place? I love it.
There's so much light and hope.
We won't charge extra for that.
(both laugh) It gets better It's Peter's night to cook, and he makes his own pasta.
A fireplace, hardwood floors and homemade pasta? - I'm getting lightheaded.
- Are you a diabetic? Have you traveled to any tropical countries in the last six months? It's just my socially awkward way of saying I'm happy.
Oh, got it.
We're kind of in nurse mode all the time.
Well, I can't afford health insurance, so that's another plus.
Peter, this is delicious.
Cooking relaxes me Which I really needed after a day of assisting Dr.
The worst.
So full of himself.
Like he's the only surgeon who's ever resected a bowel without spilling fecal matter into the abdomen.
I helped him remove a giant tumor the other day It burst like a water balloon.
Larry slipped in the pus.
(laughter) More sauce? I'm good.
So, is that an apple tree out back? Yeah.
In the fall, we make cider.
Apple cider by the fireplace.
How wonderful.
Remember when that teenager came into the E.
with the apple lodged in his eye socket? PETER (laughs): Oh, yeah.
His friend shot it out of an air cannon, and boom, nothing but apple sauce and ocular fluid oozing out of the hole.
Oh, boy.
This is so fun.
If you live here, we can do this every night.
And when we extracted the apple, the ocular nerve came stretching out like a rubber band.
(gags): Where's your bathroom? He won't throw away the damn sandwich.
It's been four days if it's still there tomorrow, I think I'm within my rights to set him on fire.
Why didn't you share about it? Maybe she knows how ridiculous it sounds.
This used to be a safe space, Marjorie.
And then you started coming and we've adjusted.
Pow! Hit her back, Bonnie This is getting good.
I'm genuinely worried.
Boyfriend Adam made an effort, Fiancé Adam is slacking off.
At this rate, Husband Adam will only be hockey games, ball scratches and farts.
At least you'll be married.
Will I? We set a date, but we haven't told anybody I can still wiggle out of this.
Over a sandwich.
Safe space, Marjorie, safe space.
Ralph's watching the kids I'm a free woman.
I can go nuts, as long as I'm home by 9:30.
(laughs) Oh.
Um, you know what? I'm gonna meet you there.
I have a feeling this one is hovering with a purpose.
Okay - I did what you said.
- Mm-hmm.
- I looked at my other options.
- Good for you.
I can afford a studio apartment that used to be a guest bathroom, a basement out of Silence of the Lambs or I can move into a gorgeous house with Wendy and never eat again.
So ? None of them are better than what I've got now, so I guess I'm stuck living with my mom.
You're choosing to live with her.
Well, I wouldn't use those words.
- I'm gonna need you to.
- Why? Because if you're stuck, you're a victim.
There's power in making a choice.
So I want to hear you say, "I'm choosing to live with my mother"" (sighs): Fine.
I am choosing to live with my mother.
You thought that was gonna be hard for me, but it really wasn't.
I am choosing to live with my mother.
- Great.
Then you got to be nice to her.
- What? You expect me to live with my mother and be nice to her? Why don't you just ask me to solve global warming? Well, if you can do that, you need to go ahead and do it, - but right now let's focus on your mom.
- Ugh! Yeah, but that's what I'm talking about.
That "ugh" stuff has got to stop.
But that's what comes out when I focus on my mother.
In the program, we talk about being loving and tolerant.
When it comes to your mother, you are neither.
Ugh! Just to be clear, that one was directed at you.
Exactly how nice to my mother do I have to be? Because I feel like any day I don't hit her with a rock is a win.
Well, for starters, you can't talk about wanting to hit her with a rock.
It doesn't have to be a rock.
I don't want you to say mean things to her or about her.
I need you to be kind all the time.
- But I don't - Be kind, be kind, be kind.
But if I keep all my hate inside, I'm gonna pop I'm not that big.
You're gonna keep it all inside.
Every time you're angry at your mom, I want you to do something nice for her.
That's crazy.
I'll be doing nice things for her all the time.
That's right.
And here's the tricky part.
You haven't told me the tricky part yet? You can't tell her the nice things you do, or anybody else, including me.
I don't want to hear it.
Wait, I don't even get credit? (scoffs) I changed my mind.
I'll live in Wendy's house of oozing eyeballs.
The point is, to feel love, you have to do love.
Hi, see you later.
Hey, guys.
- See you in a minute.
- Oh, good.
You're doing all your whining to her.
Then we won't have to hear it at the bistro.
Kiss my ass, Mom! Oh, am I supposed to start now? - Morning.
- Morning.
Where'd the coffee go? I started a pot before I took my shower.
- I drank it.
- The whole pot? Great.
I hope you enjoyed it.
I like your boots.
You can't have 'em.
What the hell would I do with gigantic work So, what are you up to today, Mom? I'm going to the Home Depot.
That sounds exciting.
Compared to your life, sure.
Good one, Mom.
You sure have a fun energy.
Well, I've got a pot of coffee in me.
That helps.
- Later.
- Bye.
I hope you have a super day.
Drinks all the freakin' coffee I made.
Maybe I want some of the freakin' coffee I made.
No, no, no.
Do something nice.
Do something nice.
Like pick up her sweater that she dumped in the fruit bowl.
'Cause that's where that belongs.
Probably shoves her socks in the crisper.
She is the most selfish, inconsiderate, petty, narcissistic, lazy, coffee-hogging monster.
Well, I can't put this perfectly folded sweater on this catastrophe of a bed.
I am a spiritual giant.
Oh, when did you get here? Uh, just a few minutes ago.
Where's your mom? - She went to Home Depot.
- Home Depot? I'm gonna need a beer.
- I'll get it.
- Thanks.
So your mom's been a real pain in the ass lately, huh? Uh No.
Come on, that's why I came over early, so we could both vent.
It's like our tiny support group.
Bonnie Anonymous.
I love my mom.
That is why I choose to live here with her.
Oh, God, is she behind me? Can't I say nice things about my mom without it being weird? I don't think so.
Whoa, leave that.
It's still in play.
Really? It's been sitting here for days.
It smells so bad, even Gus won't eat it.
Look, whoever throws away that sandwich will be the weak one in our marriage, forever, till the day we die.
Your vows are gonna be amazing.
Well, I got stuck in line behind a lesbian couple building a deck.
- Hey.
- Hey.
(scoffs) I'm gonna go take a shower.
Not that we dress for dinner around here.
There are over 40 places in this town that are okay with a T-shirt.
- I Yelped! - "I Yelped.
" I'll make you yelp.
Aw look what he did.
Hey, after I shower, how 'bout we catch that movie you wanted to see? The one with the fighting robots? Yeah.
And then how about I change my shirt so we can go to dinner, too? Really? That would be nice.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I'm telling you, this last week, Adam has been a totally different guy.
Every time I turn around, boom, he's done another nice thing.
He keeps making the bed, he's done the laundry twice, he even vacuumed.
He's like a maid you can have sex with.
Best part, he never says a word.
Doesn't need the credit.
That's how amazing he is.
Hey, this is silk.
Well, bring it over to our house.
Maybe Adam can clean it for you, without taking credit.
Christy, are you okay? I'm fine.
I just got a tough chicken.
Well, I'm glad Adam is making an effort so you don't have to die alone.
- Jury's still out on that.
- Why? Because there's a little part of me that thinks this is a trap I mean, like, what if he's doing all these nice things to trick me into picking up the sandwich? Yeah.
Or you could just take the nice things he's doing at face value, and not assume people are out to get you.
I'll just jump on the bullet train to Chump Town.
Lot of happy marriages in Chump Town.
I'm not arguing with you, I am just saying you are completely wrong.
The nicer I am, the angrier I get.
It's only been a week Give it time.
I know you told me that I couldn't take credit, but you didn't tell me that I would have to watch someone else get credit day after day after day after day.
After day! Oh.
That must be hard.
That's what I'm saying.
Too bad.
Keep doing it.
Now, I got to go.
- But what if I - I really got to go.
NEWSMAN: And now with the weather, here's Nora Rogers.
Hope you got those jackets ready, 'cause tonight's gonna be a chilly one.
And going into Tue Oh, for God's sake.
Stop being an idiot! Just throw away the damn sandwich! - Uh - What? You've never yelled at me before.
I've been swallowing a lot of anger lately.
Christy, I want to throw it away 'cause your mom's been so nice lately, but it's kind of like Vietnam I know I need to get out, but how can I achieve peace with honor? Maybe you should stop treating your relationship like a war.
You guys are both on the same side.
You're right.
Unless you're in on it.
What are you talking about? Maybe she got you to say these things so you could trick me into throwing the sandwich away, so then I'm the guy I sound like I'm crazy, don't I? I'm just gonna throw the sandwich away.
And next time you two draw a line in the sand, can it not be with tuna? - What are you doing? - I am throwing away this sandwich because I love you.
No! I wanted to throw it away because I love you.
Too late.
It's done.
I'm sorry I told you what to do.
I'm sorry you had to.
I really should make more of an effort.
That's the most romantic thing you've ever said to me.
(both moaning) BONNIE: Mmm, Adam.
And I know I'm not supposed to be telling you this, but I picked up her sweater and put it away.
And while I was doing it, I didn't want to kill her.
I was too busy being happy for her.
What did you do to me? I didn't do it, you did.
I just made a suggestion.
Well, it worked.
Maybe next time you won't push back so hard.
I won't.
Yeah, you will.
Also, you're gonna need an umbrella tonight.
But it's sunny.
You're gonna have to learn to trust me.
Here you go.
Here you go.
Here you go.
- What's this? - This is the "Save the Date" card for my wedding.
You may or may not be invited, but save the date.
You ready to be a bridesmaid? Mm, God, my skin's already itching from the polyester.
It's official I am no longer backing out, I'm locking it in.
So Adam wasn't just trying to trick you? No, Marjorie, you were wrong.
Oh, my God, Christy, what's wrong? You made me love my mother, and now she's leaving me.
(thunder crashing) Told you.
Oh, God.
We're in Vietnam again? (sighs) This is me doing nice things.
'Cause that's what I do I'm a nice thing doer.
ADAM: Hey, what the hell happened to my lunch? CHRISTY: Oops.
Gus? Did you eat my sandwich? And the plate? See you later, Mom! Enjoy your sandwich! Oh.
Hey, Adam.