Mom s05e21 Episode Script

Phone Confetti and a Wee Dingle

1 So, I have what I've been told is a moral dilemma.
Whatever your gut is telling you, do the opposite.
That's what I thought at first, so I switched, but that made me think I should switch again.
So now where am I? I'm going back to my phone.
Give me a nudge when she gets to it.
Patrick's getting married.
And the phone is down.
I feel like he and Christy just broke up.
They did.
Men are pigs.
Unless he reconnected with a long-lost love.
In that case, aw.
It's the fitness model.
He hid the ring in her "a-sigh" bowl.
It thought it was "a-kye.
" You're both wrong.
It's "ah-sigh-ee.
" Who cares how you say it? It's just sherbert.
Actually, it's "sher-bit.
" Okay, good-bye.
Stop.
How's Christy taking it? She doesn't know.
Welcome to the aforementioned dilemma.
Why haven't you told her? Because Adam's taking me away for a romantic weekend at a spa resort in Reno.
- Ooh - Oh - Oh In theory, "Oh " But how can I enjoy making sweet love to Adam in our room with partial mountain view when I keep getting FaceTimed by a puffy-eyed Christy? Partial view? I thought he loved you.
Go back to your phone.
Bonnie, part of being a mother is putting your child before you.
That child is 40 years old, and this child has never had a hot stone massage.
Oh, Marjorie, it's just two days.
Let her have some fun.
She's looking at a lifetime of partial views.
Exactly.
I can just as easily crush my daughter's world on Monday.
And maybe bring her a Reno snow globe to soften the blow.
She hates those things.
Not everyone does.
(whispers): Dilemma over.
I think she knows.
We can't be sure.
It might be something I did.
Oh, please be something I did.
What's the matter, honey? Patrick's getting married.
(sniffles) He posted on Instagram.
He gave her a ring in an "ah-cha-chi" bowl.
- Actually - Let her have this.
(blows) You want a hit? No.
No, thanks.
I already had a log of cookie dough for lunch.
I just don't understand how Patrick can get over me so fast.
I'm a catch.
It's not you my brother just can't live alone.
So what, he'll just marry anyone? What do the towels in his bathroom say? "His and Whoever"? Babe, you're just taking shorts and T-shirts to Reno, right? - Yeah.
It's gonna be hot.
- Oh.
It's gonna be hot.
Oh.
Right.
(whispers): It's gonna be so hot.
I can still hear you.
Honey, are you gonna be okay this weekend? Why don't you make plans with the girls? Jill's busy, Wendy's working, and Marjorie and Victor are spending the weekend rediscovering their love.
- Oosh.
- Ugh.
(shudders) (sighs) I need some chocolate syrup.
This isn't sweet enough.
I'm worried about her.
Me, too.
You think we should postpone this trip? No way.
I can still worry about her while I'm on top of you looking at some mountain and some parking lot.
You know, honey, we could go away together anytime.
I would not take it personally if you went with her instead of me.
(clicks tongue) You're so sweet.
So what's the sporting event you don't want to miss this weekend? I'll admit, when I booked this trip, that I did not know Edmonton and Calgary would make it to a game seven.
And let me guess Those two teams don't like each other very much.
Oh, it's gonna get a little chippy.
But I really do think that you should take her and get her mind off Patrick.
Trust me, she's gonna be okay.
She's stronger than she looks, thanks to a lifetime of disappointment.
We didn't have any chocolate syrup, so I just rolled it in sugar and Froot Loops.
I might have invented something great.
You are so lucky to have Adam.
What a sweet guy to give up his trip for me.
He shouldn't get the credit for this.
This was my idea.
He pushed back pretty hard, but I said, "No, my Christy needs this " I half believed you until you said "my Christy.
" Yeah, I got greedy.
You know, it'd be a lot easier for you to forget Patrick if you got off his Instagram page.
I'm not looking at him.
I'm looking at the giant ring he gave her.
How many karats do you think that is? Am I focusing on the massive one in the middle or the little ones worshipping it? Not helpful.
All it tells me is someone's overcompensating.
Actually, no.
He was pretty good in that department.
Really? He looks like a guy who'd have a wee dingle.
A wee dingle? Yeah.
Like a strawberry peeking up out of the leaves.
You can tell by looking at a guy? Measure the distance between their eyes, multiply by three.
This is what it would look like on me.
Yeah, but if you took the ring, you'd have to take the guy that came with it, and you didn't want him.
(sighs) You know what? You're right.
I'm always right.
Name one other time you were right, ever.
Titanic.
What, that you didn't go on it? The movie.
Everyone said it was no good, and I said, "Give this little boat picture a try.
" What are you talking about? It's the most popular movie of all time.
Thanks to me.
Somewhere out there Beneath the pale moonlight Why Do, dah-dah, Dee What are you doing? I'm singing the Titanic song.
That's Fievel, the mouse from An American Tail.
We'll rent it tonight.
You'll see.
Ooh! Ice cream.
What? We're almost there.
DQ! DQ! Exit, exit, exit! No! You can get ice cream at the hotel.
We came here to make me feel better, and a chocolate Blizzard would make me feel better.
(chanting): DQ! DQ! DQ! DQ! DQ! - DQ! DQ! - This may be why I disappeared so much - when you were a kid.
- DQ! DQ! DQ! DQ! DQ! DQ! Even though I know how very far apart we are It makes me happy to think We might be wishing on the same star What is happening here? Love theme from Titanic.
What can I do you for, Officer? Any reason you don't have plates on this car? We don't? (chuckles) Well, uh, daughter's car.
She's inside getting ice cream.
You're gonna have to take it up with her.
You're the only one here, so I'm taking it up with you.
Okay.
(inhales sharply) If I had to hazard a guess New car, plates are probably in a pile of unopened bills on her desk, and if you bug her about it, you're gonna get a bit of an earful.
Hmm.
License and registration.
Man, must be a slow crime day in nowhere.
This make you feel like a big man? - (handcuffs click) - Ow! Pinchy! Pinchy! I was gone for five minutes! What did you do? I ran out on some parking tickets 20 years ago, which wasn't a problem until we came to Nevada, and you didn't put your license plates on! I told you I'll get to it.
Oh.
Okay then.
No hurry.
All right, let's go.
Wait, wait, wait.
Give me a lick of that before they lock me up.
Ooh.
Brain freeze! Brain freeze! Can you actually type with those sausages? I do all right.
Well, pick up the pace.
We've got hot stone massages at 5:00.
I told you, this one's got a mouth on her.
Check out the space between his eyes.
Hey, hey, no talking in code.
Listen, Officer, this is all my fault.
I'm the one who forgot to put the plates on my car.
Hey, Sarg, you want me to write her up for that? I could write her up for that.
Look, Terry, why don't you head over to the middle school, and see if they finished repainting that crosswalk? On it.
Call me if things go sideways with String Bean.
That's you.
We have codes, too.
All right, Ms.
Plunkett, follow me.
Oh.
Oh, come on.
Is this really necessary? Can't we just pay? Oh, sure, if you have $2,185.
Get in there.
If you don't want me in here for murder, call Adam, have him transfer the money to your account, and then go to an ATM and get it.
Is there a bank nearby? No, but there's a hotel 12 miles south of here with a high-limit ATM.
Okay, I'll be back as soon as I can.
Hey, real quick.
Isn't that a lot of ring for someone you just met? - Go! - Right, right.
- Hotel, 12 miles north.
- South! South! Got it.
So which gang do I have to join to survive in here? (laughing): Wait.
She's actually in a little jail cell like Otis the drunk? I don't know who that is.
You know, Mayberry? Andy Griffith, Opie.
- CHRISTY: Adam.
- It's so funny.
Otis would get drunk and then lock himself in the cell.
Boy, self, cell, that's hard to say.
Do you get high the minute my mom goes out of town? Eh, pretty much.
Can you transfer the bail money or not? On one condition: you get a video of her raking a tin cup across the bars.
(laughs) I don't get that either.
Stop being old and just send me the money.
Yeah, yeah.
How much was it again? $2,150.
I can handle the rest.
Well, how much is the rest? $35.
I'll send it right now.
Thanks.
Bye.
(crowd cheering on TV) (chuckles) Mmm.
(chuckles) Oh, yeah.
Uh Can I ask you a question? I don't know.
I'm pretty busy in here.
How did you rack up 17 parking tickets over one weekend? What the hell was going on December, 1999? Y2K was going on.
A lot of dummies thought the world was gonna end.
Not just dummies.
Continue.
I had this boyfriend, Dale Dwayne that doesn't matter.
Anyway we realized, people freaking out, good time to sell a lot of drugs.
So we hopped in our car with our hearts full of hope and a trash bag full of Mexican Quaaludes.
You do know you have the right to remain silent? Yeah, that's never been my thing.
Anyway, we promptly got really high and forgot where we parked the car.
Donny.
- No.
- (ringtone plays) Hey, honey.
(sighs) What'd she do now? Oh, God.
No.
I-I can't pick her up.
I have someone in the cell.
Well, then, just let her sit there.
That'll teach her something? (sighs) Yeah, a-all right.
All right.
I-I got to go.
What'd she do? Huh? What? I know what a "my daughter screwed up" phone call sounds like.
- You got one, too? - You just met her.
Oh, she seemed okay.
Yeah, sure, now, after I cleaned her up.
I pretty much saved her life.
Drugs, alcohol, stripping, gambling Name a problem, she's had it.
Gambling? We lost our house 'cause the Packers didn't cover.
- Huh.
- What? Well, I just sent her to an ATM machine in the middle of a casino.
Huh.
(cheering) Mom's in jail.
Mom's in jail.
Mom's in jail.
Oh God.
Oh, come on.
It's not the end of the world.
I took a swing at my teacher when I was your daughter's age.
And look at you now.
I just don't get it.
For 15 years, Sarah was my little girl.
She told me everything.
And one day, she walks into her bedroom, she closes the door, and I haven't seen her since.
I got news for you, it's only gonna get harder.
But don't give up on her.
Sure, you're gonna want to pack your bags and take off, leave her to fend for herself, and who could blame you? Who does that to a child? No one.
You kinda sounded like you were ready to split.
- I just said it was hard.
- All right, all right.
I was just working with what you were giving me.
Another soda? I'm good.
So what's to stop me from just making a run for it right now? Nothing, really.
But it's 110 degrees out there and we're in the middle of nowhere.
Right.
Right.
(cheering) Yo-leven! (cheering) Don't you leave, sugar, you're my good luck.
Let her ride! (cheering) (gasping) It's hot out there.
You see any snakes? Six.
Yeah.
Come on, baby, work with me.
Anything but seven.
Anything but seven.
Seven out.
No! That's my mom's bail money! I can give you a coupon to the buffet.
Can I bet it? You are paying me a hundred dollars an hour; at some point, we should probably work on your serve.
Oh, please, we both know I'm a better tennis player than you.
(ringtone plays) (sighs) Oh, my God, what? I'm in the middle of a tennis lesson.
I am so sorry, but it's an emergency.
My mom just got arrested and I need to borrow two grand for bail.
- Arrested? - CHRISTY: Yeah.
It happened five minutes ago.
You're the first person I thought of to call.
Aw.
Aw.
Text me something about your account.
I got to go.
Bye.
This is her last year.
She's adorable.
This is her now.
Wow, that's a lot of eyeliner.
Yeah, and you really notice it since she shaved her head.
Uh, Christy was a pretty difficult teenager, too, though some of that was hormones from the pregnancy.
- Oh, God.
- Just keep trying.
She's gonna keep pushing you away, but one day that bedroom door will open again and she'll be glad you're standing there.
- I hope you're right.
- I'm always right.
Never in a million years would I have thought I'd have such a wonderful, loving relationship - with my daughter.
- CHRISTY: Mom.
Where the hell have you been? I thought you left me here to rot! Darling.
I'm sorry.
We'll talk about it in the car.
Pay the man.
I can't.
Oh, God, Christy, you gambled Adam's money.
- I did.
- (sighs) So then I called Jill.
And you gambled Jill's money, too? It all happened so fast.
I'm not sure I understand pai gow.
So what, I'm gonna do hard time for parking tickets? Yes 'cause your daughter's a loser.
That's why Patrick didn't want to be with me, that's why I didn't get into law school, that's why I hit on a soft 19.
- Oof.
- I know, right? Okay.
Well, what time's dinner? You know, Bonnie, these computers can be a bit glitchy.
Damn it, Gene, I've got enough on my plate without worrying about your problems.
I'm saying, maybe your arrest record somehow disappeared.
How about you take care of your daughter, I'll go take care of mine? - Really? - Really.
Christy, go outside and pull the car right up to the front door and blast the air conditioning.
That I can do.
Watch out for snakes.
Thank you.
And hang in there with your daughter.
Don't be discouraged by this.
Roger that.
- Bonnie? - Yeah.
Never come back to Nevada.
I'll add it to the list.
Hey, you missed the exit for the spa.
- We can't go to the spa.
- Why not? Because I don't deserve it.
Stupid pai gow.
I do.
I'm covered in jail stink, and I'm getting a salt scrub.
I don't know what it is, I may hate it, but I'm getting it.
Followed by a selection of artisanal cheeses I saw on the website.
That does sound nice.
Oh, no cheese for you.
You're staying in the room.
You can look out the window, but only at the parking lot, not at the mountain.
That seems fair.
Okay, I'll double back.
(siren chirps) Son of a bitch.
You didn't do anything illegal in Nevada, did you? I guess we're gonna find out.