Mom s06e05 Episode Script

Flying Monkeys and a Tank of Nitrous

(groans) What are you doing? Waiting for the bathroom.
Tammy's taken it hostage.
Just go use the one upstairs.
Good idea.
I'll just hop in the elevator.
Sorry, but isn't it great I don't even see the chair anymore? Yeah, you're the best.
How you doing in there, Tammy? Wrapping it up, boss.
Just scraping the jail out of my feet.
Oh, I got to scrape that image out of my mind.
Keep looking.
Maybe food will magically appear.
Tammy even polished off the mystery Tupperware.
We should ask her what the hell was in there.
Mac and cheese.
I still say chicken.
Hey, guys, I think we need to set some time limits on the bathroom.
Ah, give her break.
This is the first time in seven years she's been able to take a shower that didn't turn into a date.
Hey, Adam, thanks again for tomorrow.
- Mm.
- We are gonna have a blast.
I know.
I can't wait.
He doesn't know what I'm talking about, does he? Not a clue.
San Francisco, tickets to Wicked, graduation gift - for the little scamp.
- You never told me that.
Oh, please.
It was right there on your Visa bill.
But I hate plays.
This isn't a play.
It's a musical.
You're rowing in the wrong direction.
Look, come on, Adam.
It's about the Wizard of Oz.
It'll be great.
So a musical about a musical? Why, that changes everything.
What do you want to do with the extra ticket? How about Marjorie? Eh It's a long drive.
How about Tammy? Tammy yells at the TV.
What's she gonna do when there's flying monkeys coming at her? - Jill? - In the nosebleed seats? She'll jump to her death.
- Oh.
- Wendy? Oh, come on.
Be serious.
Well, we're out of friends, so we're back to Marjorie.
And she could use a break.
Since Victor's stroke, her whole life has been taking care of him.
How's he doing anyway? Pretty much the same.
Super sad.
Hey, why don't we scalp the ticket? What? I said, "Super sad.
" I'm calling Marjorie.
You dodged this bullet, but you're still taking me to see Cher next month.
Cher?! What is happening? You really need to start looking at your Visa bill.
We are way up here.
I hope we can tell which witch is which.
Thank God Adam didn't come.
I completely forgot to get him a handicap seat.
We would've had to pass him down the row like a hot dog.
Well, I don't care where we're sitting.
I have been dying to see this show.
I know every song by heart.
But we're gonna let the actors sing 'em, right? Sure, they can join in.
Switch with me, now.
(cellophane crinkling noisily) (applause and cheering, whooping) Oh, my God, she was flying and singing.
Isn't this amazing? She didn't choose to be wicked.
It was thrust upon her! I know.
Now I understand you better! So do I.
Thank you both so much.
I'm having the best time.
And you weren't lying.
You do know every word.
- Can I see your bag of candy? - Oh.
Help yourself.
You'll get this back at the end of the show.
I fixed it, lady, so you can stop sighing.
I think I've got go to the bathroom, but I know the line's gonna be way too long.
Just use the men's room.
It's San Francisco.
No one's gonna ask.
Oh, my God.
Victor's had another stroke.
Oh, no.
- We got to go.
- Of course.
Yeah, we should all go.
Has anybody heard from Marjorie? Went by this morning, and she didn't answer the door.
If your husband just died, would you want to talk? Poor woman was by his side every minute, month after month, and the one time she gets dragged away Got it, Mom.
I killed Victor by taking her to a musical.
I can't stop thinking about Victor.
He was ripped from us too soon! (cries) Did she even know Victor? She barely knows Marjorie.
Till a week ago, she was calling her "Marsha.
" I'm sorry.
I just shoved my feelings down in the slammer.
Now they're just shooting out of me.
So people in prison actually say "slammer"? You makin' fun of my words? No, sir, I am not.
- Hey, ladies.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Guess who got a parking space right out front.
- You're here.
- I'm so sorry.
- Oh, yeah.
- How you doing? Oh, thank you.
I'm okay.
I dropped by earlier.
Where were you? Ah, well, I had to buy the cookies, and on the way home, I saw the cutest sweater in a store window, and what do you think? - You went shopping? - Well, it was more of an impulse buy.
I didn't think you'd be going out today.
If I had known, I would have picked you up.
Don't be silly.
I can drive.
Ooh, hoo.
You know, you forget about macaroons, and then you have one, and it's, like, wow.
Anybody else think she seems a little too not sad? She's probably still in shock.
Mm, she should be.
That sweater's a swing and a miss.
Everyone grieves in their own way.
She's not grieving at all.
She's shopping and eating and parking.
Some keep it inside, some let it out.
There's no rulebook for feelings.
When did booze commercials start showing up on TV again? I mean, I'm watching my Hallmark Christmas movie marathon, and there's an ad for some kind of fancy bourbon that's been tongue-kissed by the devil.
Suddenly I'm horny, I want to get drunk, and I could give a flying fig if Reba McEntire makes it home for the holidays.
Would anyone else like to share? Is anyone else sure they don't want share? If I wanted to share, I'd raise my hand.
I know how it works.
I could go again.
Maybe this time, you'll pay attention.
Yesterday, she went mall jogging, had some Wetzel bits, and then she bought a colander at Williams Sonoma.
Are you stalking her? No, she Instagrammed it.
The pretzels or the colander? Both.
I don't think she totally gets Instagram.
Or death.
Christy, why don't you let her get through this in her own way? Hey, she's the one who told me if we bury our feelings, it could lead to a relapse.
It could.
And guess what? You have no control over someone else's drinking, so let this go.
You let it go.
Does Marjorie have a sponsor? - Yes.
- Does she work the program? - Yes.
- Does she have a higher power? - Yes.
- ls it you? Yes.
I mean, no.
- So you gonna let it go? - (sighs) Okay.
Your lips say "okay," but those crazy eyes say, "I'm gonna get under the hood of this engine and rip it up.
" It's that obvious? How were you ever a gambler with a poker face like that? That's not my poker face.
This is my poker face.
It's very effective.
Just leave the flowers anywhere.
Two hour service and not one tear.
I thought she was going for a tissue at one point, but she just had a bug in her eye.
It's healthy.
She's moving on.
But when I go, I expect you to throw yourself on the coffin and curse God for taking me so young.
Don't worry.
When the time comes, I've got a whole performance planned out.
You gave a beautiful eulogy.
So many Victor fun facts.
I mean, who knew he was an amateur magician? I did.
We had a long dinner here one night, which was lovely.
He made an entire Saturday night go poof.
Adam, I just remembered.
I have something I want you to have.
I hope it's a beer.
Yeah, she keeps a six-pack of beer in her bedroom.
WENDY: I used to keep a keg and a tank of nitrous in my bedroom.
Don't judge.
You did stuff, too.
I'm talking about Marjorie.
It is odd.
She cried more when her cat died.
Well, I'm officially worried.
The only thing she got upset about at the funeral was when those bagpipes started warming up for the next service.
I think that hit all of us hard.
These were Victor's.
I thought you might like them.
A velor tracksuit? I have always wanted one of these.
Now you have six of them.
(chuckles): You're too sweet.
Never outside the house.
Got a special place you want to put the urn? Maybe by your bedside so you'll feel like he's there at night? No.
This'll be fine.
Seriously? Next to the Raisin Bran? It's only temporary.
Victor wanted his ashes spread around the apple orchard where he proposed to me.
Aw, when you gonna do it? I don't know.
It's a long drive.
I'll get to it.
If you'd like, I'll go with you.
I'd like to see where Victor proposed.
Maybe we can all go.
Yeah, great.
Mom? I changed my mind.
Never outside Just never.
And yes to whatever you're talking about.
I didn't know Victor was into Cuban cigars.
I did.
Again, epic dinner.
Check it out.
Smoke ring.
Victor used to smoke one of these every night.
Aw, Marjorie.
So many memories.
I bet everywhere you look, you see reminders of your life together.
No more Christmases.
No more crossword puzzles in bed.
Reel it in.
Why did men get cigars? I say we take these and give them Spanx.
Forget Spanx.
Give them mammograms.
Ooh, how about menstrual cramps? Yeah, or deep rectal spasms.
Why did Victor propose to you in an orchard? Actually, it's a very romantic story.
Ooh, get out the tissues.
We were driving to a bed and breakfast in Carmel, and we hit a huge possum.
Got twisted up in the axle, so we had to pull over.
Boy, it's like a Harlequin romance.
Anyway, when Victor reached under the car to try to yank out what was left of the poor thing, the ring fell out of his jacket.
I was so thrilled, I said yes before he even asked.
And it all happened in front of a lovely apple orchard? No, that's where we buried the possum.
When I go, I want to be buried in my garden with my cats.
You have a garden full of dead cats? I've eaten zucchini from that garden.
For the record, you're not cremating me.
That way when the zombie apocalypse happens, I can crawl out of my grave and eat all your faces.
Anyone else feeling a little lightheaded? (Christy retching) Seriously, who inhales a cigar? I'm an addict.
I inhale everything.
(retching) Well, this can't be right.
It has to be.
Is it possible they built the Costco around the apple orchard? How can it just be gone? Oh.
It's okay.
Let it out.
We're here.
(laughing) - What's happening? - She's losing it.
Come on, you guys.
My romantic orchard is now a Costco.
You got to laugh.
(Marjorie laughing) Or cry.
Again, no more Christmases, birthdays, accidentally setting two places at dinner.
Oh, God, I'm alone.
(crying) You hit the wrong target.
Here you go.
Mustard, onions.
How's Jill enjoying her first time buying in bulk? She was scared at first, but last I saw, she had a case of vitamin E and enough AA batteries to send her vibrator to the Moon.
I think we just bought our last pickle.
Geez, that bucket's bigger than Victor.
(laughs) Mom.
What? Marjorie never makes me laugh.
You should be enjoying this.
Yeah, lighten up.
Actually, I think you're being a little too light.
What's that supposed to mean? I'm sorry, but for a woman who's carrying around her dead husband, you don't seem very upset.
(sighs) Of course I'm upset.
Then why aren't you showing it? How many times have you told us keeping things bottled up is a great way to end up with a bottle in your hand? Oh, my God, you're just like a woodpecker.
You're gonna keep pecking at me until I feel the way you want me to feel.
I was just trying to help.
Want to help? Leave me alone.
- Marjorie, I really think - I don't want to hear it.
I'll be in the car.
Really messed that up.
Yes, you did.
This may have been a mistake.
WENDY: What did you say to Marjorie? (phones buzzing) CHRISTY: Butt out, Nosey Nancy.
BONNIE: I know what she said.
WENDY: Then you tell me.
CHRISTY: Mom, shut up.
TAMMY: What's going on? WENDY: Christy pissed off Marjorie.
TAMMY: Is that why no one's talking? BONNIE: What do you think? TAMMY: Can someone send me a life in Candy Crush? CHRISTY: I was just trying to help.
Sorry, I don't know how I made that happen.
Good Lord, would you all just stop? What's going on? They're texting about me.
What? No.
Candy Crush.
You know what, Marjorie, we were.
And everyone agrees with me.
What? No.
Candy Crush.
Damn, I'm missing all the action.
This is why I need one of those self-driving cars.
There are self-driving cars? How long was I in prison? Fine, Marjorie, I'll shut up.
Go ahead and grieve any way you want.
I'm not grieving.
That's the problem.
Finally! I mean go on.
You know what my first feeling was when I heard the news? First thing that went through my head? Relief.
Not shock.
Not sadness.
That's totally understandable.
Victor was suffering.
No, I was relieved for me.
You don't know how many times I pulled up to the house and didn't want to go inside.
I felt like a monster.
- How were you a monster? - (sighs) You were always there for him.
Then what's wrong with me? I cried more over my cat.
There was some discussion of that.
Marjorie, I see this a lot at the hospital.
- (sighs) - When people are sick for a long time, their families mourn them long before they're gone.
Where was that nugget 150 miles ago? I actually said it, but you all talked over me.
The point is, it doesn't mean you didn't care.
Thank you, Wendy.
That's helpful.
Wait a minute.
She's helpful, and I'm not? Not your day, woodpecker.
So six-hour drive, and he just ended up in a different part of the kitchen.
Did Victor have a second favorite place? Yeah, did he run over any other animals on the way to doing something romantic? I think I'm gonna keep him here for now.
Next to the sugar and flour? That's a bad biscuit waiting to happen.
I'm just not ready to let him go.
Take all the time you need.
I will.
Thank you.
(whispers): Helpful.
I'm really lucky to have you.
All of you.
Excuse me, Boz Scaggs needs a little loving.
He was Victor's favorite.
Christy, I changed my mind.
I don't want to be buried.
I want to be cremated.
- Why? - So I can be with you forever.
Or sprinkled on the freeway.
We'll see.
Hey, guys.
(crying) And then out of the darkness, the flying monkeys zoom, zoom, zoom, - zoom, zoom! - What's going on? Turned out Tammy did a production of Wicked in prison.
She's filling us in on what we missed.
No talking in the theater.
And cell phones off.
And then the bad witch confronts the wizard, and guess what? Turns out he's her father.
Boom! Gut punch.
Just like Luke and Darth Vader.
And then Luke screams "No!" And then Darth Vader chops his hand off.
"Ow!" And then Luke gets a robot hand.
- Does she realize she jumped to Star Wars? - (Tammy imitating light-saber) Who cares? She's killing it.
Now, see, I would have gone to this show.
By the way, you're still taking me to Cher.
Fine, but I'm wearing this.