Mom s06e06 Episode Script

Cottage Cheese and a Weird Buzz

- Previously on Mom - Oh, my God, what? I'm in the middle of a tennis lesson.
My mom just got arrested, and I need to borrow two grand for bail.
God, Christy, you gambled Adam's money? I did.
So then I called Jill.
And you gambled Jill's money, too? Uh, this past week, I gambled away $4,000 of my friends' money and stranded my mom in a jail cell.
Oh, Jill.
I've got some more of the money that I owe you.
Payment number three.
Thank you, Christy.
Only 37 to go.
Oh, there's a 12:30 matinee about the aliens who - No.
- Ooh, how 'bout the two women who - realize they're dating the same man? - No.
- There's the new Tom - No.
- Oh, wait a minute.
Hanks or Cruise? - Hanks.
- No.
- Cruise? No.
How 'bout the one where the daughter is so desperate for quiet, she beats her mother with a law book? I don't like documentaries.
Come on, we'll argue about the movie on the way.
Hey, has anyone kidnapped a member of Liam Neeson's family lately? I wish.
Not till Christmas.
Uh, Tammy, what are you doing? Oh, my ChapStick rolled under the bookcase, so I pulled it out and spotted a stain here.
Full disclosure, I found a dollar.
Anyway, it looks like water damage.
Yeah, that's why we keep the bookcase there.
In fact, every piece of furniture in here is hiding something.
You think we wanted to put a desk over there? But water damage could be serious.
I'm sure it is, but when I paint over it, it goes away for six months.
Okay, we're going to a movie.
Oh, thanks, I can't come.
- Oh, that's too bad.
- Maybe next time.
All right, have fun.
Do you need to do that? Sure do.
Checking for water damage.
It's the silent killer.
Not very silent.
Listen, can you hear the different tones? All I hear is me flunking out of law school.
Might be some mold, too.
Could explain your headaches.
I don't have headaches.
Really? So you just make that face for no reason? Look, I know you just want to help out, and we appreciate it, but I'm trying to study.
Roger that.
Pursuit of the dream.
Man, this wall's like cottage cheese.
Whoops.
Oh, my God, get your hand out of there.
Oh! Are you sure you don't have headaches? 'Cause there's that face again.
I don't usually like action movies, but that was kind of fun.
Eh, they lost me with the so-called stunts.
"It was all computer graphics.
" It was all computer graphics.
I mean, in my day, when you fought on the wing of a jet fighter, you really fought on the wing of a jet fighter.
Did you do that? Well, not while it was moving.
That'd be too dangerous.
Ooh, that guy's getting a neck tattoo.
Is it the word "mistake"? Hey, check it out, Grandma and Grandpa are getting inked.
Were they talking about us? Do you see their grandparents around? Hey! Hey, we're not that old.
And pull up your pants.
Why don't you just call him "whippersnapper"? Screw them.
We're still cool.
You know what? Let's get tattoos.
Why? The mean boys are gone.
Not for them, for us.
Come on.
Tell me it's not on your bucket list.
I-I don't really need a tattoo.
I got ice cream.
Please? His and her tattoos.
It'll be so romantic.
Or we could go home and make love.
Eh.
And now Tammy's got the whole wall torn apart.
It's like the world's saddest home remodeling show.
Ta-da, it's still a dump.
Between us, she scares me.
- Really? She loves you.
- Aw, she's the best.
Anyway, study here as long as you like.
Thanks.
Tammy said it's only gonna be a couple of days.
Oh, honey, I know how construction goes.
Whether it's new boobs or a new bathroom, it always takes longer and hurts way more than they tell you.
Well, this is amazing.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, don't sit down yet.
The second foot towel isn't in place.
Belinda? Flying in.
Oh, I-I think I can scrape by with one foot towel.
One would think.
Anything else, ma'am? Just the blueberry blend that I asked for 20 minutes ago.
Isn't she great? It's like I got Mary Poppins bringing me smoothies.
You need anything? No, just some quiet.
Yeah, well, this is a perfect place to work.
Read a book out here once.
Turns out Rob Lowe had a hard life.
Oh, my God.
What are these towels made of, kittens? Enjoy.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I got to go change.
For what? It's 2:00.
I'm so glad we're doing this.
Me, too.
This is super fun.
You almost done back there? No, just finishing the B in "Bonnie.
" Are you kidding? I need a break.
A-And can I have another juice? Come on, you big wuss.
I thought you were tough.
This hurts.
Yeah, but it hurts so good.
Okay.
All done.
Take a look.
"Adam" in a big old heart.
That's it.
We can never break up.
No, seriously.
I can't be a middle-aged woman limited to guys named Adam.
Bonnie, don't worry, I Ow! What happened to three, two, one? Crab roll, how do you plead? Guilty of being delicious.
Mm, another smoothie, nice.
I could get used to this.
Don't.
I'm going home soon, and Jill doesn't know how to use the blender.
How's the studying going? Wow.
Which part? The part that's making me squint.
That's the Bavarian cut crystals.
You're the first person to see me in it, so you're welcome.
I do feel kind of special.
Guess how much it cost.
Oh, we'll be here all day.
$3,284.
I'm sorry, what? I know it's a bit much, but I'm a bit much.
Oh, good.
You know.
Well, I'll let you get back to your books.
Oh, I almost forgot.
It's the first of the month.
Do you have something for me? Um, a "welcome to November" hug? No, I'm talking about the money you owe me.
Oh.
Wait, you want it now? Well, that's the payment plan we agreed on.
$75, first of every month.
But if you don't have the cash, you can just bring it tomorrow.
I mean, I don't have any pockets on this thing anyway.
Right, got it.
I mean, I don't got it.
But maybe by tomorrow, I'll get it and then I'll give it to you.
Okeydokey.
Oh thumbprint.
Got to go Windex my tummy.
Did she really just ask me for 75 bucks? She did.
While she's wearing a $3,000 chandelier? Yes, indeed.
God, rich people can be so Shh.
There are cameras everywhere.
My tattoo is still burning.
Is yours burning? Like a wildfire.
Isn't it great? No.
Burning is bad.
That's the whole premise of hell.
Come here, let me see how yours turned out.
Wait, uh, they say you should keep it covered for at least 24 hours.
Yeah.
They also say you shouldn't put Q-tips in your ears, but I ride that high every morning.
What the hell is "Bo"? Where's the rest of "Bonnie"? What? I always call you Bo.
- Since when? - Since forever, Bo.
Unbelievable.
You wimped out.
Wimped out? I didn't even want to do it in the first place.
Whoa, wait.
Are we in the wrong apartment? Where's the wall? - Don't worry, boss.
I'm fixing it.
- Why'd you break it? Water broke it.
Powerful thing, water.
Created the Grand Canyon, Niagara Falls, the moon.
Aw, Tammy.
Why couldn't you just leave it alone? And let the people I love get sick from black mold? Not on my watch.
She's actually doing you a favor, Bo.
"Bo," I like that.
Yeah, well, forget it, 'cause it's not gonna stick.
That's such a Bo thing to say.
And here we have Travis.
He's very fit, he appears to be into weightlifting and travel.
Ooh, he's cute.
Swipe right.
Next up is yet another Travis.
Hey.
Oh, hey.
We're just playing on Tinder.
I know I can't date yet, but I can still window-shop.
I do the same thing with health care.
So, it was a slow shift at work, but I went into extra grovel mode - and came up with the money I owe you.
- Oh, thanks, sweetie.
Um, still no pockets.
Here, Belinda.
Why don't you get yourself a facial? You're looking a little clogged.
Whatever makes your world better.
Jill, what the hell? What? I busted my butt for that money.
It barely even stayed in your hand for a second.
So what? You owed it to me.
But you clearly don't need it.
But you owed it to me.
- But you don't need it.
- But you owed it to me.
But you don't need it.
But I'm not having this conversation anymore.
- But you don't need it! - Aah! This suit is not for swimming! Belinda, help! Don't touch my money.
Save the suit! Save the suit! I'm using a 120 grit.
Thought about going with the 240, but that's just showboating.
Are you talking to me? No, I completely forgot you were there.
Okay, second coat of plaster, your turn to shine.
Oh, thank God you're back.
- Where you been? - To the florist.
I brought you a little rose.
Oh.
Where is it? In my pants.
Kapow! - You got another one? - It took twice as long - and felt twice as good.
- This is crazy.
Yeah, I agree.
A rose with no thorns? Where's the poetry in that? Darn, you're right.
No problem.
Get me a guitar string and some boot polish and I can thorn that bitch up before lights-out.
And there's the poetry.
Rich people are soulless bastards.
They should all rot in hell.
Who are we talking about? Jill.
Parading around in her billion-dollar bathing suit, squeezing me for a measly 75 bucks.
You pushed me in my pool! Oh, and I pushed her in her pool.
I am not the bad guy here.
What I do with my money is my business.
I can burn it, I can blow my nose with it, or I can give it to a friend who gambles it away instead of bailing out her mom.
Here's the mirror, Christy.
Here's the mirror! Oh, yeah? I didn't Did you see a mirror? I didn't see a mirror.
You really don't get it, do you? You have no idea what that money means to me.
It's food on my plate, gas in my car, books for school.
I get that I have to pay you back, but when you treat it like it's meaningless, it's a slap in my face.
Do you really think this is about the money? I don't care about your money.
I care about you.
The only reason I kept you to that payment plan was to support your recovery.
Well, that's incredibly nice! And? Hang on, I wasn't prepared for you to make a good point.
Oh, Lord, I'm cold, and I don't want to do this anymore.
If this debt is gonna ruin our friendship, then just forget about it.
- Really? - Yeah, we're square.
Now, I got to pee, and only Belinda knows how to get me out of this disco ball.
Yeah, Jill was a little pissed, but she realized that we're both better off if she just lets me off the hook.
Yeah, actually, Christy, in Gamblers Anonymous, we say Stop.
I'm happy, and what we say always ruins it.
Can you walk while you talk? You're blocking the ribs.
Come here, kid.
Step into my office.
Oh, I don't want to learn while I eat.
Listen to me.
Paying back a debt is a crucial part of the process.
Agreed.
And next time, I will definitely do that.
No.
No, you're gonna do it this time.
See, every time a debt goes away, you feel like you've beaten the system, and that is not a healthy thing for a gambler.
You beat the system? How'd you do it? Lucy, eat your ribs.
We'll talk later.
The act of handing over that money every month is a reminder to you of just how dangerous gambling can be.
And you need that reminder.
Couldn't I just get "don't gamble" tattooed on my arm? My mom knows a guy.
Doesn't work.
Hey, handsome.
Hello.
Put the magazine down.
Let's try this again.
Hey, handsome.
Hello.
All right.
Let's skip that part.
Have I got a surprise for you.
You have the sex drive of a dude.
What's a rose without a Hello, bumblebee.
What is happening to you? I'm expressing myself, blockhead.
Bonnie, this is getting out of control.
Oh, relax.
It's just a couple of tats.
And one temporary sketch of something I'm thinking about.
Oh, good God.
Is that your face? Yeah, this way, no matter how we do it, we'll always be making eye contact.
Her face? Yeah.
And it's this big.
Oh, that's not good.
I'm just worried that she's getting some kind of weird buzz off all these tats.
That's a red flag, right? This could lead to drinking again.
Not necessarily.
Adam, I love that you're looking out for Bonnie, and yeah, addicts are feel-good junkies, but it doesn't mean she's gonna drink.
This big.
Look, if she wants to get tattoos, you can't stop her.
And if she drinks, you can't stop that, either.
- Nope.
- What do you mean, "nope"? I mean I don't accept that.
There's got to be something I can do.
Well, you're right, there is.
Okay, now your oatmeal's kicking in.
Lay it on me.
There is a program called Al-Anon.
It's for people who live with alcoholics.
Whoa, why do I got to go to meetings? I didn't do anything wrong.
AA is for people who are powerless over alcohol.
Al-Anon is for people who are powerless over the alcoholic.
No, no, this isn't about me.
You're not gonna make this about me.
This is about Bonnie.
Because everything's about Bonnie all the time.
By the way, we're calling her Bo from now on, so get on board.
Thank you, but we're handled here.
Have a great day.
Bye.
More coffee? Yeah, I'm gonna have to wait for him to come back for his keys.
Okay, so we're going Giant Bonnie? Yeah, but younger.
And with Farrah Fawcett hair.
Okay, Randy.
It's time to finish up my dragon.
So how long is this gonna take? - Uh, about six hours.
- Ugh, awesome.
Hey, how come her dragon is flying by a fried egg? Oh, 20 years ago, that was the sun.
What's the basket? Oh, that used to be the Golden Gate Bridge.
Okay, put the needle down.
Wipe this off.
What? What's wrong? Well, I don't want to have to worry about both my faces getting old.
Stop right now.
You're not doing this.
- Excuse me? - You heard me.
- I forbid you.
- Oh, you "forbid" me? - Pick up the needle, Earl.
- I'll wait till this plays out.
I am not okay with the tats, and you are scaring the hell out of me.
- Why? - Because I have no control in this relationship, and I got to do something because I'm freaking out and I want to marry you, but I need to know that I And, man, I have never said the word "I" that much in my entire life.
Oh, my God, this is about me.
- Where are you going? - To an Al-Anon meeting.
I hope you're happy.
I'm as broken as you.
You're marrying that guy? Well, I gt no choice.
You tattooed his name on my ass.
Hey, pretty.
Any chance you were thinking of crashing at Adam's tonight? What did you do? - I moved the desk.
- Oh, Tammy, no.
Yeah, I saw that dry rot and pulled up floorboards.
Anyway, it's Planet of the Ants down there.
What? Well, they were down there, but my process seemed to rile them up pretty good.
I guess what I'm trying to say is The apartment is completely filled with ants.
Well, I haven't checked upstairs, but they were marching in that direction.
Do you really think I'm pretty? So wait, now you do want to pay me back? You were right.
It's part of my recovery.
What you do with your money is none of my business.
You can throw it away, you can prop a table up with it.
I can come up with my own list.
And you promise this isn't gonna affect our friendship? Not unless I already messed it up.
Not a chance.
I believe it was Rob Lowe who said "friendship is super important.
" Okay, now I want to read that book.
Oh, good, you guys made up.
Listen, can she spend the night at your place?? 'Cause our apartment's full of ants, and they are biters.
So now it's our apartment? That's the part that upset you? Where the hell is Al-Anon? All these rooms look alike.
Two doors down on your right.
Just look for the exhausted people who have nowhere else to turn.
Don't talk about my people that way.
You should be proud of him.
It takes courage to walk into one of these rooms.
You got a good guy there, Bo.
Oh, God, it's sticking.