Mom s07e13 Episode Script

Dammit Sandra and the Money Bus

Good morning, Bonnie.
Is it? 'Cause it looks like you've been robbed.
You could call it that.
My wife and I have been aggressively uncoupling.
What? Just seeing if there's a Post-it on your balls.
Oh, she took those long ago.
All right, let's punch this hog.
I really need your help with something.
- Yeah? What's that? - I don't want to die.
I do, so that sort of evens things up.
I mean, think about it I've only got 40 or 50 years left.
How old do you think you are? You know what? You're right, it's over.
And maybe that's good.
Oh, sharp turn.
Who wants to be alive to see everything go completely to hell? I mean, Christy's never gonna get married.
Adam's gonna go bald.
It's already starting.
In the back, you can see through the cotton candy.
Global warming.
Sure, we're having great weather, but you know it's only happening 'cause the Earth's slowly spinning towards the sun till we're all bacon.
I don't What channels do you watch? Nothing right now, 'cause our TV's broken, - probably forever.
- Okay, okay, - let's just take a little breath.
- (exhales) Do you remember those techniques I gave you to help with your negative thoughts? What did you think? P.
- Did you actually try them? - Yes, Trevor.
I even lit a candle and wrote a note to my younger self and then burned it.
That's not psychology, Bonnie, that's witchcraft.
Well, none of it worked.
Okay, well, I'll get you another copy, and Hold on a second.
- Where's my snow globe? - What? Yeah, I had an AT& Park snow globe from 2010 when the Giants won the World Series.
Damn it, Sandra, you only took that to hurt me.
I'm gonna level with you This is a little rough to watch.
All right, here's the negativity techniques.
Try 'em, don't try 'em.
See if I care.
I-I'm sorry, that was terribly unprofessional.
It is very important that you try these techniques.
It's okay if you're a little off your game.
Some crazy broad just stole your toy.
It's not a toy.
It's a collectible.
For our special side, we have roasted Brussels sprouts with guanciale in a maple glaze.
That's right, I made these nasty little fart balls delicious.
No one will realize they're paying 20 bucks for a stomachache and an awkward ride home.
Oof, what's on the menu tonight, feet? (laughing) And when will Bob the Builder be leaving us? Hey.
You're the one who took a pill you found in your pocket and destroyed the walk-in.
Well, in my defense, there was a dragon in there.
It was a very good pill.
Seriously, either turn on a fan or eighty-six that funk.
(laughing) Paul.
Would you like to go back to working at Chipotle? Look, uh Tammy.
No, I wasn't searching for your name.
I was looking for words that you could understand.
Uh, here we go.
Uh, you no think good.
Stand still.
I'm gonna fold your lips over your forehead.
Okay, Tammy, he needs his lips, I need my tips Let's go back to work.
What's that Rudy guy's deal? I know, he's an ass.
He's a gigantic ass.
Is he single? What? I had to separate you.
Yeah, you did.
I don't understand.
You were insulting each other.
It's called flirting, Christy.
No wonder you don't have a man.
Listen to me.
He's bad news.
Oh, I get it you're into him! No.
No, no, no, no, no.
- No! - Yeah! You want him for yourself! - No, I don't! - (laughs) Methinks you protest too much.
Methinks me would jump off a building before me would let him touch me.
So you've thought about it.
Whatcha doing there? Trevor told me to write down my negative thoughts and then write a positive thought after it.
God, my handwriting is so terrible.
(groans) That's a negative thought.
Now I need a positive one.
Wendy, any ideas? You look nice today.
I like Wendy.
I like you, too.
All right, we don't have to make out.
Bonnie, therapy's great, but, you know, a lot of that negativity could also be worked on right here in this program.
I find meditation is the best way to deal with my dark and twisty thoughts.
Oh, come on.
What's a dark thought for you? That I'll die and no one will take my cats, and after a while they'll start to eat each other.
Anybody want a cookie? Yikes.
She has a point None of us are taking her cats.
You know, I've been meditating 20 minutes in the morning and 20 minutes at night, and I can really see a difference.
Ain't nothin' gonna quiet the riot in this mind.
Come on, Bonnie, be nice to yourself.
Wendy I'm married.
(TV show playing indistinctly) Are we really this desperate to watch TV? Well, we could talk to each other.
Stop tilting it.
I can't see.
- Hey.
- How was work? Upsetting.
Tammy's got a crush on Chef Rudy.
- Chef Rudy? - Chef Rudy.
What's wrong with Chef Rudy? By the way, can we just call him Rudy? He sleeps with women, then dumps them.
I told Tammy absolutely no way can she go out with him.
You can't do that.
You can't tell an alcoholic no.
They hear, "I dare you.
" Look what happened when you told me not to go out with Adam.
Wait, what? I never told you not to go out with him.
- Then why did I? - Hang on a second.
No, no, somebody had to say, "Don't date him.
" There's no way I ended up with him if I didn't get push-back.
Oh, you think I should've told Tammy, "Oh, Chef Rudy's great! Go for it!" Again, we don't say "Bartender Adam" or "Building Manager Bonnie.
" I mean, would that have worked with you when you dated Chef Rudy? Whoa, whoa.
You dated Chef Rudy? One date.
So, like, nothing physical.
One date.
(whirring) (whirring continues) (whirring stops) (whirring resumes) (whirring stops) (whirring resumes) Good God! I can be louder than you.
You got a problem? Yes.
How am I supposed to create a pretentious menu to your symphony of blue-collar noises? - (whirring) - You mean this? This bothering you? Eh? I don't know.
I don't see it.
Really? Why? Christy.
Would you please return this woman to whatever Home Depot parking lot you found her.
And tell this Top Chef first round loser That's right, I googled you That I will leave when I'm finished fixing the mess he made.
If that's the only thing you found, you don't Google right.
She's a horrible person.
Yes, she is.
Strange response.
Why would you want me not to like your friend? - No, it isn't.
- Aha! What is it? You're only supposed to say "aha" if you know what it is.
- So there is something.
- There's nothing.
- Aha! - Stop that! You're hiding something.
Your freakishly large eyes have suddenly gone small.
My eyes are exactly the right size.
Can we just talk about the menu? Okay.
I'm thinking for the fish special Oh, sweet Paula Deen, Tammy digs me.
What? No! No! No! Oh, my God! How did you do that so fast? (grunts) (whirring) Breathe in love.
(both inhale) Breathe out Bonnie.
(both exhale) Breathe in love.
Breathe out Bonnie.
This is so boring.
Breathe out more Bonnie.
(exhales slowly) (inhales loudly) Ooh, head rush.
Let's do that again.
Okay, let's do something new.
We're gonna take ten breaths, and you're not gonna talk.
Great idea.
(both inhale) (both exhale) - One.
- No counting.
(instrumental music playing loudly) (music stops) Sorry.
Do you want my help or not? I do.
I do.
Let me just toss this at you.
Can we meditate in the Jacuzzi? (groans) Come on, Bonnie.
I cleared my afternoon for you.
You "cleared it"? What did that involve? Moving your pony ride to tomorrow? Actually, I rescheduled a meeting with the charity I'm hosting the benefit for.
Children's diabetes.
Make fun of that.
More candy for me.
You only ding it in the beginning.
Okay, I am out of here! - Give me that! - Oh! I am throwing your shoes in the pool! (shoes splash) She was pretty pissed off at me.
But in my defense, who has $600 meditation shoes? What's with the getup? You and Beaver Cleaver going hunting for bullfrogs? (laughs) Oh, I'm so tired of you.
Let's stay on Jill.
So, it seems to me like she was right.
You didn't go there for meditation.
Whoa! Is this why your wife flew the coop? You didn't have her back, either? This is your pattern, Bonnie.
You complain and complain and complain.
You're offered the tools to help, and you don't use them.
Why am I taking your advice? Your life's a total mess.
Now you're picking a fight with me.
There's a term for people like you.
Watch it, buddy.
I am still a lady.
You're a help-rejecting complainer.
You just made that up.
I did not.
And if this was last week, I could've showed you where it came from in a book, but it's on its way to a new life in Portland by now.
Well, I don't need you to call me names.
I need you to help me.
It's the one thing you've never done.
You know what? You're fired.
I'm crazier than when I started.
(door slams) You see a pattern here? Women leaving? I prepared for you a savory aebleskive.
In honor of what I can only presume were your Viking ancestors.
Well, I am part Danish.
The rest of me is pure mutt.
(chuckles) Pure (purrs) (laughs) Mmm! Tastes like a fancy pancake.
If only the critic at The Chronicle had your discerning palate.
So, did you always want to be a chef? No.
I hated cooking growing up.
I wanted to be a dancer.
But I was cursed to be terrible at the thing I loved and great at the thing I hated.
That's so sad.
It is.
Also, my father burned my tap shoes.
Did you always want to be a goddess/carpenter? You know, my life's had a lot of twists and turns.
It's only recently that I've really been able to think about what I want to be.
I mean, I do love carpentry, but, I don't know, the goddess in me might need to find something a little more fulfilling.
Well, maybe if we put our lips together, we could think of something.
Sorry, I hadn't fully swallowed yet.
It's okay.
My food is more delicious - when it's in your mouth.
- Oh.
Oh! (laughs) Too rough? No.
This would be too rough.
Ow! (purrs) Should I lock the door? Already did.
(laughs) (exhales) Okay.
Couple of updates.
We are running low on almond milk.
Also, I fired Trevor.
What was that? - Nothing.
- Nothing.
Just out of curiosity, though, why would you fire your therapist? 'Cause you're all better? (Adam snorts) What was that? A derisive snort.
If you must know, I've grown weary of his hiding behind labels.
He had the audacity to call me a help-rejecting complainer.
Do that again, see what happens.
I'm just thinking you've been pretty good lately, and Trevor was maybe part of that.
Yeah, your therapy was really helping me.
The family.
It's not.
It's over.
And you can fluff this up all you want, pal.
You can see right through it! Can I have a non-lunatic opinion? Oh, you're good.
(mouths) Lamaze class.
They're showing them the movie.
The men are looking pretty shell-shocked.
Listen, I don't want to hold on to this anger.
You are who you are, and you're never gonna change, and I love you.
And I love you.
And I know you're not gonna change.
And you're not gonna change.
And you will never change.
There you are not changing.
And you.
(man exhales) Don't be a hero.
Get the epidural.
They say you forget the pain when you see the face.
You don't.
Get the epidural.
Look, you were just trying to help, and I may have rejected that while also complaining.
In my defense, I have been diagnosed as a help-rejecting complainer.
Or you're just an alcoholic who doesn't always want to live in the solution.
I am many things to many people.
Look, I know meditation almost led us to blows, but I want to try again even though it'll never work.
I bet you four hours in my Jacuzzi it does.
See, now, where was that Saturday? So, what are tonight's specials? Tonight's special is love.
Is that with or without fart balls? That's right, I forgot.
You have never sipped from Cupid's sweet goblet.
So, we doing a pork chop? Paul, is that a pork chop? What's Tammy's favorite flower? I don't know.
I do.
It's daffodils.
We talked all night.
Take this to her.
Does she know the specials? Quickly.
Wings of love.
- I'm guessing things went pretty good.
- Oh.
It was awesome.
Best date I ever had.
I have to break up with him.
- What? Why? - Mm.
I mean, yay, but huh? The night was pure romance, and the face eating was everything a girl could dream of, but I'm not ready to settle down.
And that's the kind of guy you marry.
It is? Kills me to have to break his heart.
It does? He's the most sensitive man I've ever met.
He is? Now I see why you're so in love with him.
Aha! That's not an "aha.
" Put that "aha" away.
I have one more daffodil hidden somewhere on my body.
Care to lead the search party? Rudy, we need to talk.
RUDY: No ! I think Tammy just broke up with Chef Rudy.
Good news for you.
You're so in love with him.
Chris Peterson from Pete Peterson Real Estate.
Pete's my dad.
Listing sheet? Panic room? Why does my shrink have a panic room? I don't know, but it would make a great nursery.
TREVOR: Leave me alone, Chris! Pete.
Whichever Peterson you are.
What are you doing here? It's Tuesday.
My 10:00 a.
You fired me last week.
If you're gonna be my therapist, you can't listen to everything I say.
Have a seat.
I brought you something.
There's a chance I may have bought it from your wife.
But anyway, here.
Thank you.
So So impossibly thoughtful.
(chuckles) And it's just so weird you did it.
It gets weirder.
I'm sorry.
Those are words I haven't heard from a woman in a long time.
The other day, I said you hadn't helped me, but that isn't true.
And judging from the terror in my family's eyes, I probably ought to stick with this.
Before you start the clock, I wanted to ask, why do you have a panic room? Because I work with unstable people.
When did you get it? About eight months ago.
We started working together eight months ago.
I love this.
Thank you.
Table four says their pasta is too salty.
It's from my tears.
Well, can you refire and hold the boo-hoo? Why bother? Nothing has any meaning anymore.
Tell your tables to go home and eat a Hot Pocket.
Look, I know you're going through something, but do you think you can pull it together? You're right.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't do this in front of you given how you ache for me One more time.
I do not love you.
I have no feelings for you whatsoever.
I am not aching for you in any way.
Oh, Christy.
Teach me how to pretend like you.

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