Mom s07e14 Episode Script

Cheddar Cheese and a Squirrel Circus

Previously on Mom I get a call today from this woman who's like, "Is this Tammy Diffendorf?" It was my aunt! My long-lost, "never knew I had one" aunt.
I need a kidney.
You want my kidney? Want anything from the cafeteria? Hi.
What room is Tammy Diffendorf Egg white omelet with bacon and cheddar cheese.
You're getting egg whites, and you're adding bacon and cheese? She's donating a kidney today, and I really want to see her before she goes in.
Losing the yolk buys you the bacon and cheese.
It's diet math.
("Theme from Adventures in Paradise" playing) Okay.
Tammy Diffendorf, Room 502.
Who? - It isn't too late to bail.
- (scoffs) - Bonnie.
- What? She's giving a chunk of her body to a woman who lied to her.
I made a commitment.
I'm gonna honor it.
That's very noble.
The safe word is "I don't want to do this.
" I know I wouldn't want to do it.
I'm scared just standing here.
There's, like, 18 different kinds of killer bacteria - on this floor.
- Jill.
I'm just saying burn your shoes when you get home, people.
Oh, my God.
The most amazing thing just happened.
Cookie died, and I get to go home? I met a guy.
I mean, technically, we didn't meet.
We smiled at each other.
But I feel like it's one of those moments people talk about.
Like when you see someone, and you say, "Oh, that's the man I'm gonna marry.
" Why didn't you talk to him? I wanted to see Tammy before her surgery 'cause you never know.
Special delivery.
- Aw, you guys! - You're welcome.
- They're from Cookie.
- You can't prove that.
Is there a card? There is? Moving on.
Just put them over there.
- Well, that was nice of Cookie.
- Mm.
And now if one of you does die, at least you'll end on a good note.
(All): Marjorie! Well, maybe this whole thing will bring you and your aunt closer together.
Oh, we're not even gonna see each other.
They're taking us to separate operating rooms.
Then I'll be rid of that woman forever.
If you don't want to seem like a coward in front of them, just give me a wink, and I'll throw a sheet over you - and take you out through the morgue.
- (chuckles) I'm ready, Wendy.
- We love you.
- Proud of you.
- Was that a wink? - No.
Okay, it'll only be a few minutes until the OR's ready.
We're not supposed to do this, but I love you.
Why aren't you supposed to do it? It's so sweet.
(chuckles) You're fine.
You're fine.
Hello, sailor.
- Come here often? - (sighs) - Hello.
- I want to thank you again.
I'm so grateful to you.
You're welcome.
With your hair back like that, you look so much like your mother.
Were you also surprised by how much they had to shave us? (sighs) All right, kidney.
You're solo now.
Really hope you aren't the Garfunkel of that duo.
Hey, ready to go? Yeah, I just got to do one thing before we leave.
I thought Christy was coming.
(sighs) She was right here.
Oh, God.
It's like Legoland all over again.
No handsome guy.
No handsome guy.
Whoa! That's a lot of blood.
(exhales) Why would I do that? So, your labs look great.
Your labs look great.
Your creatinine is a 1.
Don't let the other kidneys on the floor know that.
They'd be jealous.
Funny and a doctor.
Your wife is a lucky woman.
I'm not married.
Maybe I'm a lucky woman.
- (knock on door) - Go away.
It's me.
Oh, Tammy.
What a wonderful surprise.
I was just on my way out, and I came by to say goodbye.
Uh, how's she doing? Well, she's peeing, which means I really nailed it.
And just remember your anti-rejection drugs have to be taken at the same time every day for the rest of your life.
Isn't that a bit overly dramatic? No.
Same time every day like your life depends on it.
Because it does.
Are you trying to tell me you can't live without me? I'll check on you later.
(chuckles) Hey.
I'm glad you're here.
I was afraid that No, look, I just Thank you for the flowers.
And I'm so glad the kidney's working out for you.
And, uh, I guess - Have a nice life.
- Wait.
Wait, Tammy.
Look, I know that I behaved badly towards you, and I haven't been able to make it up, but Well, you're part of me now.
I'd love to have a chance to start over? I don't know.
Oh, listen to me.
"I want " "What I want " (exhales) What do you want that I can give you? - Do I really look like my mom? - Oh, so much.
And you have her hands.
And her laugh.
Wait, could you be more specific? 'Cause there are several laughs.
Um A chortle, a chuckle and a belly.
Well, let's hear them.
(chuckles) (laughs) (laughs loudly) Middle one.
What're you doing here? Waiting for Tammy.
Waiting for Christy.
Might also take a nap.
Just need to find the perfect angle.
And there it is.
Be a love and hit the light.
And the door.
Come on.
You can't tell me anything about sexy gurney guy? Not if I want to keep my job.
There will come a time when you will need something from me, and I will not give it to you.
(singsongy): Look who's here.
- Hey.
- Hey! Oh! I can't believe you're up and about already.
Who knew pain pills could also be used for pain? You should see her incision.
It is so cute.
I took a selfie and put it up on Instagram with the caption, "Just kidney-ing around.
" Already six likes.
Ooh! Seven.
Thank you, Jill.
By the way, if everyone's free Saturday night, my aunt wants to take us all out to dinner.
Wait, you two are talking? - Mm.
- JILL: And wait.
Somebody besides me is paying for dinner? You're not just "kidney-ing" around? It's great that you guys patched things up.
Oh, yeah, they're best friends now.
Sorry, I'm busy on Saturday.
It's a steakhouse.
(inhales) I will consider it.
She's the only link I have to my past, Bonnie.
And I'm having so much fun finding out stuff about my mom.
(gasps) Like she was in a band.
Maybe that's why I love bands.
If you ask me, Cookie's working you.
For what? She's already got her kidney.
Think she's gunning for her spleen? I don't know.
I just don't trust her.
My mom died when I was 16.
I swear we got back from the funeral, and my dad never said another word about her.
Still won't.
I'd do anything to have somebody who could tell me stories about her.
I wish there was a way for me to forget all the stories I've heard about her.
You and me both.
Cookie, thank you so much for bringing us all out.
I'm getting lobster.
I don't even like it.
I just want to make this meal count.
(chuckles) Jill's right.
This is a celebration.
Everyone should order something really expensive they don't even like.
Modern medicine.
- What a miracle.
- COOKIE: Yeah.
They took a part out of you, and they put it into you, and four days later, you're both out to dinner.
(chuckles) (chuckles) And did you know you can also send a package overnight now? Marjorie raises a good point.
Should Tammy's kidney be out so soon after surgery? Oh, I couldn't stay another moment in that bed.
Unless the doctor had taken me up on my rather bold offer.
Wine? Ah, here.
Should Tammy's kidney be drinking? As long as it's not inside Tammy, - I think it's fine.
- Wendy? A few sips are okay.
Well, good.
Because it absolutely loves Merlot.
That's my kidney, all right.
I wonder if my handsome husband-to-be loves Merlot.
You're engaged? Close.
Just need to find out his name.
Um, so, I-I want to propose a toast.
For a long time, I haven't been able to think about the future.
And now, thanks to you, - I can.
- (chuckles softly) Here's to Tammy.
ALL: To Tammy.
- Way more than a few sips.
- Drop it.
I detect an odor.
Well I'm going to the little girls' room.
And do you know why? Because I can pee! Isn't she great? I can't believe I almost cut her out of my life.
These last few days have been so awesome.
How is it not bothering you that she's treating your kidney like a freshman at Arizona State? It's not my kidney anymore.
To me, it will always be your kidney.
That doesn't make sense.
Oh, we have to make sense now? Is that the new thing? My daughter's marrying a man she's never met.
So we have your blessing? (groans) I also have to pee, if anyone would care to throw me a parade! (gasps) Tammy's kidney is smoking! Christy, can you pass the bread? I warned you that there would come a time when you would ask me for something and I wouldn't give it to ya.
How does that revenge taste? You're not gonna believe this.
Cookie's outside smoking a cigarette.
- Wait, what? - Yeah.
Puffin' away, like first grade Bonnie waitin' for the school bus.
- Oh, dear.
That's not good.
- It's not.
Because, uh Uh, Wendy? Her immune system has been weakened, so smoking puts a lot of stress on it.
Bam! That's why.
- But - No.
You're done.
- Are you gonna say something to her? - Of course she is.
Cookie's out there kicking her old kidney in the nuts.
Actually, I think Jill was asking me.
And no, I'm not gonna say anything.
Really? If she keeps this up, her body will, uh Wendy? Reject it.
Bam! Reject it.
You might as well have had your kidney removed and just thrown it in the trash.
Bonnie, you've had a problem with Cookie ever since she showed up.
Because you had a problem with her.
Yeah, but now I don't.
I've chosen to forgive her.
- I actually like her.
- (scoffs) I don't.
I think she's manipulative and selfish and ungrateful.
Well, sometimes we choose to overlook a person's faults because we want to keep them in our lives.
ALL: Is she talking about me? Hard to say.
It could be any of you.
(fake chuckle) I was here last week, and I had this intense eye-contact thing with one of your patients.
It was a life-changing moment.
The only problem is, uh, I don't know his name or if he's still alive.
I'm sorry, we can't release any patient information.
Not even for an egg white omelet with bacon and cheddar cheese? All right! But just know you're standing in the way of true love! Oh, hi.
Uh, I was here last week, and I had this intense eye-contact thing with one of your patients, and Okay, I can see that I'm losing you.
Do you like omelets? Cookie wants cream and three sugars.
Well, of course she does.
Oh, Bonnie, you said you'd try.
This is trying.
I'm making coffee for a woman I can't stand and putting in sugar instead of rat poison because I love you.
(chuckles) So, what are your plans now that you have a new lease on life? Oh, it's all about this girl.
I'm gonna be here as much as I can.
Ooh, and she's taking me to Bakersfield, where she and my mom grew up.
- Lots of memories there.
- Mm-hmm.
And wild dogs.
We'll probably just stay in the car.
Well, that sounds like a fun weekend - for you guys.
- COOKIE: Yeah.
(phone ringing) Ah.
What was that? A reminder to, uh, tell me to take my meds.
So, Tammy tells me that you and Christy have been all over the world.
Not on purpose.
It was more like fleeing, hiding and pretending to be other people.
Aren't you gonna take 'em? - I suppose I should.
- (chuckles) Yeah, Christy and I were kind of like Thelma and Louise, if Louise was six and Thelma was always drunk and forgetting where she put Louise.
Well, darn.
I must have left them at the hotel.
I'll drive you back and get them.
No, no.
There's no big deal.
I skipped them altogether the other day and nothing happened.
Yeah, but the doctor said you're supposed to take them at the same time every day He said your life depends on it.
Oh, they just say that to scare you.
No, I think they say that so you won't die.
Look, I'm not a child.
I can take care of myself.
- Can you? - Excuse me? This woman went under the knife for you, and here you are wasting the second chance she gave you, which I don't think you deserved in the first place.
- Don't yell at her.
- Somebody has to.
Enough! I have been sick a long time.
Countless doctors' appointments.
Dialysis three times a week.
You have no idea what I've been through.
Now, I just want to enjoy my life for a little bit.
And although I realize that I am undercutting my own argument, I am suddenly in terrible pain! Oh, my God! We'll go get your pills! No, never mind the pills.
- Take me to the hospital.
- Oh.
Oh, God.
Oh, thank you, Bonnie.
This was lovely.
Was that ? No.
Even she can't be that desperate.
(sighs) Well, Cookie didn't take care of herself, and now she's rejecting the kidney.
Oh, God.
Is she gonna be okay? Oh, they think so.
They're upping her medication.
That's good.
I'm just so angry at her.
You have every right to be.
And I'm angry at myself.
I feel so stupid for trusting her.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
And I'm angry at you.
- What? - For being right.
That's okay.
Mostly, I'm angry at myself.
(sighs): Look we all have crazy people in our lives who we can't let go of.
- Wait, was that - I'm telling myself no.
(door opens) Hey.
- You mad at me? - Yes! I gave you my kidney.
I gave you a second chance to be my aunt.
And you keep acting like none of that matters.
- Of course it matters.
- Well, then show it.
I will.
I promise.
Don't just tell me what I want to hear.
I mean, I want you to eat right, I want you to take your pills.
I want you to live a long time! You made me care about you, damn it.
I care about you, too.
Do you? More than I can say.
Look, I'm sorry.
I'm just not used to thinking about anybody else.
It's always been just me.
I guess I get that.
(chuckles) I mean, until recently, it's always been just me.
Well, if it's all right with you, I'd like to stick around town for a while and do some of the things we planned.
I do like your stories about my mom.
(chuckles) - I got a lot of 'em.
Pull up a chair.
- (laughs) Okay.
When your mother was eight years old - Mm-hmm.
- she decided she wanted - to have a squirrel circus.
- (laughs) And so she brought home three squirrels.
But our dog was not on board with this at all.
(laughs) And frankly, neither were the squirrels.
(whispers): Yes.
It's you.
KIDS: Papa! Mi mancate molto.
I miei bellissimi figli.
(chuckling) Gay, married doesn't speak English.
Good job, Christy.
- Hi.
- My aunt ready to go? Oh.
She didn't call you? No.
What's going on? Is she okay? Tammy, she checked herself out last night.
She said she was going back to Santa Fe.
What? No, no.
She said she was gonna stay in town and spend time with me.
I don't know what to tell you.
(chuckles wryly) She made me all these promises.
Did She didn't leave a note? Sorry, I got to go.
- You gonna be all right? - Oh, yeah, sure.
Hey, let's get a move on.
I'm double-parked in front of an ambulance.
So, I have a new rule.
I am not going to fall in love with anyone I haven't spoken to.
Unless, you know, it's it's really, really clear we're meant to be together.
Anyone else want to share? Tammy? I'm good.
I'll go.
- Bonnie.
- OTHERS: Hi, Bonnie.
You know how we say in here that when you're irritated by someone else's behavior, it's actually because it's a reflection of you, or, as Marjorie would say (like Marjorie): "You spot it, you got it.
" I didn't make it up.
I wish I did.
It's super annoying, but there is some truth in it.
I've spent a lot of my life making promises that I broke, and I never thought about how that affected the other person.
It wasn't that I was lying-- I really meant it at the time.
My therapist says it's because I'm a narcissist.
Which I think is a pretty mean word to use for someone who just gets caught up in the moment.
Either way, it would be crazy for the person I disappointed to blame themselves, because it has nothing-- I mean nothing-- to do with them.

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