Mom s07e15 Episode Script

Somebody's Grandmother and the A-List

1 And I'll have the southwestern salad.
But? No corn, no beans, no avocado.
So a bowl of lettuce with some cheese? Yes, please.
Pepper Jack instead of cheddar.
You people never disappoint.
Okay, we ordered.
Are you gonna tell them your news, or do I have to? I'm not sure it's really news.
That guy Wayne she met at the sober jamboree in Canada is coming down for a booty call.
- Marjorie! - Oh.
Stop.
Nothing's happened between us.
There was just a little energy.
If you get married, I call maid of honor.
Why would I do that? They've Skyped twice and she's worn lipstick both times.
Oh, you do lurk a lot, don't you? More than you know.
Ooh, and he sent her pictures of his dogs.
Oh.
He's a dog person.
That's not bad.
It's a romantic comedy waiting to happen.
He likes dogs, she likes cats.
Meow, this relationship's gonna be "ruff.
" Come on! You would see that movie.
So what are the sleeping arrangements gonna be? Settle down.
It's just gonna be dinner on Friday.
We all know dinner Friday means breakfast Saturday.
I'll make you guys pancakes, if that's not too lurky.
I need fries and a Diet Coke.
No salt, ranch instead of ketchup.
I am in crisis.
What's going on? Well, you know how I'm hosting that big charity event this weekend? That we're not invited to, yes.
Well, come up with $1,500, you're invited.
We're having a nice time here, why you got to be mean? Anyway, I got out my antique silverware to have it polished and a bunch of it is missing.
Oh, sometimes I'm positive something is missing, and I've just misplaced it.
You think I took 12 forks, eight spoons, three knives, a ladle and then absentmindedly left them out by the pool? What do you think happened? I hate to say it, but I think my housekeeper stole from me.
Which one? I don't know, so I'm gonna have to fire them both.
But not till after the party 'cause they're both really good at their jobs.
Honey, y-you don't know for sure it was them.
Well, who else had access and opportunity? Be right back, Jill.
I'm just, uh, looking for some tea.
Oh! God.
I just flashed on Marjorie and Wayne making out.
Why would I do that? Hey, how are you doing? What-what are you doing? Reading about a farmer who sued a railroad in 1897.
It's a lot more boring than it sounds.
Ha! Good one.
Is this for the, uh, class with that lady professor that yells? It's weird.
I feel like she's so much harder on the women than the men.
Maybe she's trying to make us stronger so we can take on the patriarchy.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
I stole the silverware.
What? Jill's silverware.
Five years ago.
Me.
- How could you do that? - We were practically homeless.
And in my defense, I had no idea we were gonna like her as much as we do.
Why didn't you tell me? - I forgot.
- You forgot? You know that thing I do when I'm ashamed of something I've done, I shove it way down until I forget about it? I did that with this.
You're unbelievable.
It was a long time ago.
I was barely sober.
And let's be honest, I stole from everybody.
Everybody? No.
Well, you got to tell Jill.
You're right, you're right, you're right.
I'm thinking a sealed letter she can open after I die.
Maybe a series of cryptic clues.
Could be fun for all ages at my funeral.
Hey, everyone's up.
What's going on? I just remembered I stole a bunch of silverware from Jill five years ago.
Okay, good night.
See? He gets me.
Well, if you don't have blue hydrangeas, why would you let me order 12 arrangements featuring blue hydrangeas? Come on in.
You did not just say carnations to me.
This is a benefit, not an Appalachian prom.
Ooh, I tell you what, I'm gonna take some deep cleansing breaths while you have somebody with a tiny shred of floral imagination call me.
Ooh! I swear to God, saving these little diabetes kids is gonna kill me.
You are such a good person to be doing this.
Yeah, well, tell that to Melanie Kirkpatrick.
She's head of the event committee at my club.
She did not want me hosting this.
She's still not over the time I got drunk and set the lobsters free at the charity clambake.
Dinner and a show.
She should be thanking you.
Oh, I just really need it to go well so I can get back on the A-list.
And the kids.
And the kids.
It's gonna be a huge success, they're gonna donate a lot of money, everybody's gonna love you, I stole your silverware.
What what was that? Huge success, lot of money, everyone loves you.
I think that was it.
You stole it? I was desperate.
I did a terrible thing.
But you and I are in a program where everyone has made huge mistakes, and this is me owning up to one.
I'm-I'm truly, truly sorry.
That silverware's been in my family for 150 years.
My great-grandmother gave it to my grandmother who gave it to my mother who gave it to me, and they're all dead now.
Sounds like maybe it was cursed.
That silverware is all I had that connected me to them.
Oh.
Um, I didn't know it was that important.
Well, maybe you should have asked me before you stole it so I could have directed you to something less emotionally resonant.
- Jill - Just leave.
Oh, come on, I'll do anything to make this right.
Go! Now.
Okay, fine.
Please tell me that wasn't your grandmother's.
No, it was Crate & Barrel.
But I liked it! Hey, Marjorie, how's it going in there? Oh, I don't know why I'm getting so excited for this date.
The man lives in Canada, and you know I hate winter, so I can't move there.
He loves winter, she loves summer, but will they fall in love? Oh, would you like me to set up a dressing room for you? Oh, no, no, no, I'm only 40.
Um, feel it.
Fine.
Oh, mama.
Do you have an extra small? I'm sure I do.
Oh, Marjorie, you look beautiful.
Well not bad for an old broad.
Look around.
In this place, not so old.
You're in luck.
What do you think Should I take off my ring before I go on the date? Do you feel ready? Been two years.
Yeah, I think if I'm asking the question, I'm ready.
Victor, I love you, and I'm grateful for the time we shared and taking this off will never change that.
That was beautiful.
Mine.
Back off.
That's a new look for you.
I went shopping with Marjorie and this caught my eye.
Where'd you go, Forever 71? Touch it, go ahead, touch it.
Ooh.
Is this happening on the inside too? Yes, it's like I'm wearing a kitten.
Hi, Jill.
Hi Wendy, Christy, Tammy, Bonnie.
How's Clyde? Bonnie and Clyde.
They were robbers.
She's a robber.
They're all robbers.
I'm trying to cut the tension, laugh it up.
No, this is good, she's making jokes about me.
It means she's over it.
- I'm not over it.
- But you're getting close.
- No, I'm not.
- But you're singing with me.
I can sing and still hate you at the same time.
You know, if Marjorie were here I thought she was.
Don't listen.
You're awesome.
In my defense, I didn't know I was gonna like you as much as I do.
Does she not hear how that sounds? Let's just talk it out.
I mean, look how much I've forgiven Bonnie for.
Introducing me to drugs, getting me kicked out of our foster home I forgive her every day for the bullying.
And we're in an anti-bullying era.
Guys? My childhood.
Thanks for playing.
See? If Leisure World over here can forgive me, anyone can forgive me.
- Yeah, well, I'm not gonna.
- Jill, I screwed up.
But I was a different person then.
I'm really sorry.
Excuse me, I have to go to the ladies'.
Seriously? She thinks I'm gonna steal out of her purse? Well, there are consequences when you steal from someone.
Mine was seven years in prison, yours is an awkward lunch.
What a hit! Pass intercepted! Do you need me to talk you down or just get out of the way? Talk me down.
Really? 'Cause this is a live sporting event.
There's O-Okay.
Okay.
- Give me the facts.
- I have apologized my butt off to Jill about the silverware, and she still treats me like a criminal.
Well, technically, you d Uh, okay.
How about this? Uh just because you're ready to be forgiven doesn't mean that she's ready to forgive.
I think you should give her time.
Ugh.
I could get better advice from a clock.
I have to fix this.
- I don't think you can.
- Oh, yeah? Watch me, clock.
That was just for dramatic effect.
I have nowhere to go.
Do you know what my favorite part of the conference was? When I fell on my ass in the snow and you stopped me from going after the kid who laughed? It was funny when he took a snowball to the face.
Yeah.
You got a pretty good arm.
- Can I tell you about our specials? - Oh.
Uh, no, thanks, we're just having coffee.
Yes.
Coffee.
Yeah, two coffees.
I actually have dinner plans after this.
Yes.
So do I.
That's why I'm so dressed up.
Who'd wear velvet to coffee? How'd the date go? Can you not stop smiling? Okay.
You're not smiling.
Did you just now stop smiling? Turns out it was coffee, not a date.
Oh.
Sorry.
Been there.
Once, I thought I was on a date, but turns out it was a dentist appointment.
Well, obviously, Wayne just wants to be friends.
Dr.
Gann just wanted me to floss.
But I-I thought that Wayne came here to see you? No, he's here on business.
I'm the one who built it up because I'm a ridiculous old woman.
I don't like it when my mother calls you that, and I don't like it when you do it.
I've never been so humiliated.
Really? 'Cause, for a couple of years, your address was "cardboard box.
" All right, well, this was a close runner-up.
Here's the good news: you got excited about someone, which means you are ready to get out there.
And that means you're gonna get out there, and that means you're gonna find someone.
You know what? I'm really fine being alone.
I'm a lot like you in that way.
I tried to kiss my dentist.
You think I'm fine being alone? What you watching? My house.
What's it doing? It's bustling with caterers and florists and delivery guys, and now, because of your mother, I can't stop obsessing over what they might be stealing.
They're not stealing.
They're working.
Mm.
Already saw one guy help himself to an ice cream sandwich from my freezer.
Joke's on you, sir.
Those are two years old and made with hemp milk.
Hey, don't you spit that on my floor.
That stone is porous! Oh, no.
- What? - Wayne's here.
I told him about this meeting.
I didn't think he'd come.
That's your Wayne? - He's hot.
- Yeah.
He's my hot, platonic friend.
Wasn't a date.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Hi, Wayne.
- Hey, Marjorie.
I, uh, saved you a seat next to me.
Oh.
Sorry, I always sit with my girls.
These are my girls.
Say hi, girls.
Hi.
Hi, girls.
Marjorie, come here.
- There's a guy I want you to meet.
- Don't help me.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Well, Wayne, it was great to see you again.
Safe travels.
Actually, I was wondering what you were doing after the meeting.
Oh, I think I've had enough coffee.
Look, I'm sorry about the other night.
I really wanted it to be more, but I got cold feet.
You did? Yeah, my wife died a year and a half ago.
Sometimes it feels like a long time.
Sometimes it really doesn't.
Ooh, I understand that.
And I haven't been on a date for 40 years, so I I have no idea what I'm doing.
Well, why didn't you tell me? Because I haven't been on a date for 40 years.
And the feet cold.
How are the feet feeling now? Want to give it another try? Yeah, I-I would like that.
Oh.
Hey, Marjorie.
This guy over there is asking me for your number.
So Well, tell him thank you, but Wayne and I are going out to dinner.
Oh, my God, that's so great.
There's no guy.
- Oh, good.
You're still here.
- Oh.
I was just leaving.
Got to make sure my bartender doesn't steal my jewelry, thanks to you.
Please, just give me one minute.
Where were you? You missed the meeting.
I got caught in traffic driving back from San Francisco, where I was able to track down some very similar pieces of silverware Not as old but not new That definitely belonged to someone's grandmother, which I hope you will accept with my deepest apologies.
Boy, you went to a lot of trouble, Bonnie.
Jill, didn't Bonnie go to a lot of trouble? Sorry.
I gave it a shot.
Come on.
Please take it.
Shelby, you just moved into a new place, right? Enjoy.
Hey.
Give that back.
Biscotti go.
Crème brûlée go.
Flour-less chocolate cake hold! Go.
Go, go, go! Oh, God, I know you probably have more important things to do, but please just get me through dessert and coffee and saying goodbye to people whose names I forgot.
There you are.
Melanie.
Is everything okay? You know, Jill, when the committee selected you to host this event, I had my doubts, which I expressed passionately.
Yeah.
You included me on the text.
I just had a hard time imagining this not being a disaster.
But look.
You're still dressed, and no one slipped in your vomit.
Yeah, yay for me.
And I'm not that person anymore.
No, you're not.
And I need to stop judging you on who you used to be.
Thank you.
That means a lot.
Clear your April, 'cause we've got AIDS and leukemia coming up.
Oh, I'd be thrilled to get either! Yes! I am back, baby.
Oh.
Hello.
I'm here to make a formal apology.
Well, you're certainly dressed for it.
Listen I realized a couple of things tonight.
One no one likes salmon toast but me.
And two I don't want to be judged on who I used to be, and that's exactly what I've been doing to you.
I'm so sorry for being an idiot.
Oh, you weren't.
I broke your trust.
I know earning that back is gonna take time.
Not as long as you think.
Come here.
And for the record, I didn't expect to like you, either.
Aw! Oh, good God! How many of those things did you buy? I don't have a man! What? I just remembered.
I stole $20 out of your wallet the first time we slept together.
Oh.
Okay.
What? And the second time.
Okay.