Monday Monday (2009) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
You need professional help, Christine.
And I'll get it.
I really will this time.
I think you're great.
But we work together and it's complicated.
Can we agree the other night never happened? Alyson's been sent to keep an eye on me.
I saw you together last night.
No wonder your boyfriend ran off with your bloody sister! So, Steven, you've been temping for me for nearly two months now.
Why do you want to apply for a permanent position? Well, I feel now is the right time in my life to knuckle down and concentrate on my career.
I notice from your CV that you've done quite a lot of travelling.
How do I know you're not just going to take off again? Because I've never worked for someone like you before.
Are you trying to flirt with me? No.
No, you're far too clever for that.
OK.
Well, thank you, Steven, and I will consider your application and let you know in due course.
In the meantime, I'd appreciate it if you could send those out.
Right, well, that's going to take all night.
Well, perhaps I'll stay late and help you.
£ Theme music So, you sit down .
.
gently and smoothly.
Mm-hm.
And check that your eyes are level with the top of the screen.
If not, use this lever to change the height.
Right.
It can go up.
Or of course Down.
Down.
Er, right, so I sit down, yeah, gently and smoothly.
OK.
And then I, um Sorry, I've completely forgotten.
Adjust the height.
Adjust the height, of course, using this one, this one .
.
this one here.
No! That's the backrest.
Yeah, sorry.
Look, here, let me.
Yeah.
OK.
Yeah, thank you, that is, that's much better.
It's vital that you sit correctly.
You wouldn't believe the calls we get about lower lumbar pain.
Really? Right, well, thank you, Jane, Janet, sorry.
It is Janet, isn't it, yeah? That was a really useful session.
Oh.
Well, you're welcome.
What? Morning.
I know what you're going to say.
Do you now? Mm-hm.
You're going to do that speech about how my behaviour in the office reflects on you and how I should be more er, oh, God, what's the word? Professional? Yeah, there we go.
I wasn't going to say that.
Yeah, you were.
So, do you want anything? Coffee, tea, me? Now would we say that that's professional behaviour, Steven? Yeah, I'll get you a coffee.
So, what did you do at the weekend? Oh, you know, the usual drunken, debauched antics.
Wow! Yeah.
What did you really do? Takeaway and a video.
Hmm.
Um, so you're not seeing anyone at the moment then? Er, no.
What? We're mates now, right? Yeah.
I'm allowed to ask you that, aren't I? Yeah, it's just a bit odd, you know, after (Whistles) What, is that what we did? (Whistles) (Giggles) So, er, anyone on the radar or? No, I'm happy.
Just me.
Yeah, no-one's happy 'just me'.
Worse things than being single, you know.
What about your love life? Still all cloak and dagger, or does she let you hold her hand after school? Actually, things are going very well between me and um .
.
that person.
Sounds like it.
Mm.
Maybe one day she'll let you say her name in public.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Listen, Sal, um, about the whole me and(Coughs).
.
Alyson, thing.
Um, she doesn't know that you know, so if we could just My lips are sealed.
Cheers.
Oh, it's so romantic isn't it, your girlfriend won't admit you exist.
Oh.
Actually, if you must know, she is mad about me.
Really? Steven.
Have you got a minute? Alyson, for you I have all day.
Great, so can you proof these and these? Yeah.
And I've done a list of things I need for the office.
Oh, what did your last slave die of? Oh, he didn't die, I fired him.
Is that mine? Great, thank you.
(Woman sings) You didn't sleep here, did you? Is it so unusual that I'm in on time? Punctuality is part of a positive mental attitude.
I did that last night at my meeting.
You went? Oh, that's brilliant.
And do you know, the best thing is, this Leeds lot, they're actually very nice.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
That's what Elijah says.
As in the Bible? Oh, sorry, no, as in my AA sponsor.
He's been just so inspirational.
He says that all addiction comes from low self-esteem, so apparently I have to just change the way I perceive myself, starting with my job.
So, I've decided to put the 'Hue' back into Human Resources.
The Hue? The colour.
It's a metaphor.
Now that I say it out loud, it doesn't really work.
Point being, you know, things, they're going to change round here.
I am going to put this department back on the map.
Great.
So what's the plan? What indeedy! You don't actually have a plan, do you? Not as such.
No.
So Vivienne isn't coming back? Well, to be honest with you, Roger, I haven't got a clue.
One minute she's dying, then she's not, then she's in remission and she's coming back and then she's not.
I mean, I thought cancer was supposed to be serious! Sorry, Jenny, don't write that - because that might look bad out of context.
Thing is, while she's away, I'm acting Head of Marketing, and I decide what campaigns we run, right? Right, so, what's the problem? Alyson.
She's getting involved in everything.
Is she? Don't you know? Are you her boss or not? Yes, I am her boss.
And yours.
Right, point taken.
Could you just have a word with her and tell her to back off a bit, because at the moment she's tying my hands behind my back and stuffing my balls in my mouth! Sorry, Jenny, don't Right, I'll speak to her later.
Thanks.
But after her presentation.
What presentation? So, if we want Butterworth's to be the number one supermarket in the country, then we have to change the way that we work, and that means everywhere, from the checkout to here at Head Office.
We have to stop thinking about our own specific roles and start thinking about .
.
oneButterworth's.
One company, with one vision, working together.
Now you are all capable of coming up with good ideas.
Ideas about new product lines, or initiatives to boost morale.
And the bottom line is this - if you have an idea, bring it to me.
And if I like it, it'll happen.
This is the only way that we are going to turn things around.
This is my vision for Butterworth's.
(Applause) Hello again.
Oh, hello.
Um, Janet, sorry to be a pain, but I need another chair.
Well, I don't, my boss does.
She wants a posture mid-back Executive.
There you go.
Oh, we'll have to order it, I'm afraid.
We've only got one left in stock.
Right, and why can't I have that one? Well, it's just it's reserved for Roger Sorsby, and you know what his PA is like.
Listen, um .
.
the last thing that I want to do is to get you in trouble, but um .
.
you know who my boss is, don't you? I mean I make it my business not to cross her.
You would be saving my life .
.
literally.
Chair's in here.
Janet, you are a total star, thank you.
(Giggles) I was not trying to make you look stupid! 'My vision for Butterworth's'.
What the hell was that?! I'm just doing my job - It's not your job to undermine me in front of the workforce! From now on, you keep me informed of what you're planning and I'll do the same.
I wasn't aware you were planning anything.
Look, let's just try and be straight with each other, OK? We don't have to be in each other's pockets, but if we could spend some more time together, we could I know this is hard to believe, but you may actually learn something from me.
And if I don't, you could always retire.
OK, from now on, I'll keep you in the loop.
(Knock at the door) Sorry, is now a good time? Yeah, we're all done here.
I've ordered one just like that.
Great minds eh? Hmm.
So you've got a plan? Yeah, it just came to me in a flash when she was going on about boosting morale.
I thought why don't we do a series of initiatives designed to .
.
boost morale.
Make people really look forward to coming to work.
Well, karaoke and free booze always goes down well.
I think we can be a little more imaginative than that.
La la! Lunch buddies? Yeah.
You pick someone to go to lunch with.
You know, it's kind of like Secret Santa, but without the crappy present.
People get to meet someone new, friendships are forged, love and harmony spread through the office.
He's got halitosis.
Oh.
She hates me.
I shagged her boyfriend.
(People mutter) Oh, he's just rubbish, I don't, do you know Sorry, I've just got to get to the Sorry.
Um, er, I need to see Christine right away.
OK.
I'm not sure where she is at the moment, so It is very important.
I'd, er, like to make a complaint.
It's about Steven McColl.
Right, I see.
And er, what's the nature of the complaint? Sexual assault.
She said I did what? Touched her inappropriately.
It was an accident, my hand brushed against her Brushed against her.
Oh, come on, you don't really think I'd grope some random woman do you? I mean, apart from you the other week, obviously.
This is serious, Steven, you could get fired.
Oh, God.
Um, Alyson doesn't know, does she? No-one does.
Good.
Well, I would talk to Janet, or whatever her name is, but she might pepper spray me, so any chance you could have a word with her? Let her know I'm not that kind of bloke? I'm HR.
I'm meant to stay impartial.
Come on, Sal, I really need you to help me out here.
Will you speak to her please? Please? We encourage employees to deal with their grievance informally wherever possible, as informal discussions often provide an effective method of resolving issues at an early stage.
Really? Meaning I'm going to go and speak to Janet and see if she'll accept an apology from Steven.
Right, and do I have to do anything yet? No.
Brilliant.
Lunch buddies then.
Thanks for the invite.
I'm just keeping you in the loop.
Although I'm not sure you're going to like it.
Um Come on, come on! What do I do? You've got the ball and the floor, just say whatever pops into your head.
Right, um Come on, Roger, pass it on, let's keep things flowing.
OK, we should put post offices in some of our stores.
How much will that cost? No negativity in a brainstorm.
Max.
Oh! We should get celebrity endorsements for our new product ranges.
Celebrity endorsements are good, but Quick! Quick! Quick! Or pass it on.
I'll pass it on when I'm ready! The whole point is to It's OK.
Roger, it's just a bit of fun.
That speech of Alyson's totally inspired me.
So I went to see her with some ideas.
She was blown away.
Wants me to work them up for her.
Number one rule of business - put yourself out there, be noticed, achieve.
Have you ever been to Turkey? No, I haven't actually, but I've always wanted to go.
Don't bother, it's shite.
Look, lunch buddy or not, it's still over.
Look, get a grip, just pull yourself together.
Well, everyone seems to be enjoying themselves.
Turnout's a bit poor though.
Still, never mind, it's the spirit of lunch buddies that's important, isn't it? Oh.
I'm looking for Christine Frances? She's over there.
Thanks for this.
No worries.
Who have I got now? Ooh, thanks.
He's gorgeous.
Oh, sorry, no, it's that one, just to the left, just there.
No.
No, Sally, Sally, Sally! I want to swap back! Oh, oh, hello.
I wasn't expecting you.
I wanted to talk off the record.
Can I? Er So, I spoke to Steven about what happened, and he said it was an accident and that he stumbled.
And you believe him? He's just not that kind of person, Janet.
You say that, but he does have a rather overtly sexual manner about him.
Well, hehe's a bit of a flirt, but that's just his way, he doesn't mean anything by it.
I honestly think he just made a mistake.
We all make mistakes, don't we? So perhaps if I ask Steven to apologise, maybe you could think about forgiveness.
Perhaps.
And you really don't want to make an accusation like this unless you're absolutely certain.
You seem to know him very well.
I do.
I do.
Well, if you say he's not that kind of person, then She's dropping the charges? Oh, fantastic.
Well done us.
Oh, look at him - butter wouldn't melt.
It's always the ones you least expect.
You really should watch Midsomer Murders.
Steven said he didn't do it, Christine.
He's hardly going to admit it, is he? Anyway, moving on.
Now, your Lunch Buddies idea - didn't work, but well done for trying.
You know.
Still, onwards and upwards, let's focus on MBI phase 2.
MBI? Morale Boosting Initiatives.
Keep up.
OK.
Employee feedback.
Yeah? Everyone likes to have their say, makes them feel included.
Let's see what people are thinking out there.
Oh, need a hand? Please.
There you go.
I was just coming to find you actually.
Oh yeah? I've got some good news.
Janet's had a rethink.
You're in the clear.
Oh, Sally, I could kiss you.
But I won't, obviously.
You might want to steer clear of her for a while, and maybe, you know, just be on your best behaviour for a bit.
Scouts honour.
You were in the Scouts? Yeah.
Well, until I got chucked out for shagging Brown Owl.
Ha, ha, very funny.
I can take it from here.
Thanks again for your help, Miss Newman.
Butterworth's.
Tell them I'd very much like to meet their Chief Executive and build up a strong personal relationship.
Where's Vince? Don't know.
Probably begging someone to be his flatmate.
He hasn't lost another one, has he? Where's my post lunch latte? I thought Natasha could get it.
I'm working, Vince.
Hmm, some of us have real work to do.
Arse kisser.
At least I'm trying to improve myself.
Why? So someone will live with you? Right, alright! Listen up, guys, there's still a promotion on the table and I know you're both trying to impress me.
Actually, I'm trying to impress Alyson.
What? She's asked me to work up some ideas I've had.
She I don't want to get personal about the guy, but he's totally out of his depth.
I mean sure, Vince might stumble across the odd good idea every now and again, but hey, give a million monkeys a typewriter, you'll get the script of Hamlet.
I mean, do you really think he'll come up with anything remotely interesting? You know, you mess with the natural order of things, you get chaos.
I mean I wouldn't ask the cleaner to get me a latte, I'd ask Vince.
Well, this is exactly what I was talking about yesterday.
You see, the spirit of my one Butterworth's idea is - We both know that there are certain things we have to say in public, you know, the game of corporate chess played out in front of the troops, but we don't actually believe it, do we? You know.
You carry on working your ideas up, Vince.
Have something for me by the end of the week.
What about his PA duties? Can you cope? Piece of cake.
Then so can you.
Yeah.
I should be out of here by six.
If you knock off early, you could have dinner waiting for me.
And then we could have an early night.
Right, I'll cancel poker.
You won't regret it.
(Knock at door) Better not.
Steven, stop it.
Steven, stop it, no! I've just seen him make an unwanted sexual advance towards Alyson Cartmell.
Not that kind of person eh? No, but this is different because Steven and Alyson .
.
work together.
But what on earth has that got to do with it? I'm just saying that whatever you saw between Alyson Cartmell and - I just think maybe you misunderstood.
Stop telling me I misunderstood! I want a full investigation into my initial complaint.
There was no misunderstanding.
He groped me.
Absolutely.
Men like this should be stopped.
And if you don't believe me, there's a security camera in the store cupboard.
I'm sure there's a perfectly good explanation for this.
He's just not - That kind of person, yeah, you said.
Oh, my God! Before I say anything, you should know that anything you say will be treated in the strictest confidence.
What are you talking about? There has been an accusation made, a very serious accusation about Steven.
A female employee is claiming that she was sexually assaulted by him.
What?! She's also claiming that she witnessed him harassing you, sexually I mean.
Well, I can tell you for a fact that that is completely untrue.
Who is this woman anyway? Procedure dictates that we have to keep things anonymous for now, but this is something we are treating very seriously.
But this is ridiculous! I mean do you honestly think that Steven would do anything like that? We do have security camera footage.
Not of you and Steven, but of him and Janet.
Oh, shit! Forget I said Janet.
Has Steven ever made any sexual advances towards you? Steven has never made any sexual advances towards me.
He has always been extremely professional.
You know, sometimes, in cases like these, the victim feels it's her fault.
I am not a victim.
How many times have I told you to tone it down at work? I said I'm sorry, all right? You've got to grow up, take some responsibility.
Like staying in my flat.
I thought you were fine with that? It was meant to be temporary, Not once have I seen you even look for anywhere else! We can't keep sneaking into work together.
Exactly.
Which is why we should tell people that we're a couple.
I've just joined the bloody company.
Sleeping with my PA is not what I want to be known for.
I could get sacked for this! I told Christine that nothing happened, that this Janet woman must be mistaken.
I mean I assume that's true? What?! You screwed Christine's PA, didn't you? No, we didn't actually - do you know, the only reason I went out that night is because you'd been such a cow.
Oh God, let's not get into this now.
Yes, let's get into it.
Oh, come on.
Do you really think that I'm capable of sexual assault? No.
Look, I'll see if I can make this whole thing go away.
Thank you.
I'm not just doing it for you.
What do you mean, it's complicated? Well, not complicated, confusing.
You either believe me or you don't.
Look, I know whatever Janet thought she saw between you and Alyson - Clearly she didn't know the facts, but the thing in the store cupboard, the CCTV footage, it's pretty incriminating.
I am not a liar! I told you what happened.
I stumbled and I put my hands out to steady myself.
You just randomly stumbled? I saw a mouse.
What? I saw a mouse, OK? It ran out in front of me and it made me jump.
It can happen! Yeah, if you're the maid in Tom and Jerry.
Don't take the piss! It's a phobia, I've had it since I was a kid.
Why didn't you say something? Well, it's not very macho, is it, being freaked out by a mouse? I didn't know what to say.
There's going to be a disciplinary hearing.
You're going to need something more believable than a mouse.
It's the truth.
Some decent character witnesses might help.
And if you and Alyson went public - That's not going to happen.
I mean - I don't want to put her in that position.
Well Well, what about you? I mean, you know me, you can vouch for me, right? I'm part of HR, it wouldn't be right.
I see.
Sally, there was a mouse in that store cupboard.
Yeah.
Thanks a lot, mate.
Karen, can you pass me that stapler please? Beast! All right, boys? Listen, I need a favour.
Do you know what character witnesses are? I said I'd pay you back! Alright, ladies? Listen, um, I need a favour.
MAX: 10, 11 .
.
58, 59, 60! (Sighs) Vince.
No time for idle chit-chat.
Important people waiting on my proposal.
That's what I wanted to talk to you about.
Fire away.
If you like, I'll read the proposal for you.
Give it the once-over before you give it to Alyson? OK.
Yeah, why not? OK then.
Ah.
(Laughs) You haven't come to touch me up, have you? Ooh.
Yeah, that's not very funny.
It is actually.
Max, I need to ask you a favour.
Er, you want me to be your character witness to get you off the old (Makes trumpet sounds) How do you know that? Because you've asked the entire building.
Right, well, will you? Steven, as you get older, you realise that women need to be treated with respect, poker debts need to be paid off, not necessarily in that order, but OK, OK! I will be your witness, on one condition - that you let me know everything I need to know about your boss.
Why? Alyson is going straight to the top, and I want to be riding her back.
Riding her all the way there.
Metaphorically speaking, of course, not literally.
Although, actually, either would be fine, so Pratt! Steve Why haven't you asked me? What?! I don't know, I didn't think.
'Cause I think what they've accused you of is a disgrace.
I'll stand up for you.
Really? Wow, thanks.
Of course, you'd have to do something for me.
Something personal.
Vince, I'm not gay.
Ugh! Neither am I.
Why would you say that? Well, I don't know, you just Never mind.
What is it you want? We want a pay rise.
Flexi time.
That's not very imaginative, is it? Ooh, this is a good one.
Christine Frances is the beating heart of this company.
Is that her writing? Yep.
What's up with you? It's just this stuff with Steven is making me think about Michael.
What's this got to do with your ex? I don't know, I just seem to always back the wrong horse.
Has something happened between you and Steven? We had an almost one-night stand.
Sal! That is unforgivable! Why do you never tell me anything? And what is an almost one-night stand? Ugh, you don't want to hear details.
Yeah, I do.
Anyway, the point is, he's the first guy I've liked since Michael and he's a Oh, I'm just such an idiot.
Oh, come on Sal, I mean it's not that bad.
As far as perverts go, he's a really good pull.
Yeah.
I think it would be better for all of us, in particular the company, if this whole thing just went away.
I know, I know.
But we are where we are, and I just want to assure you that I am going to give this my absolute undivided attention, and see to it that It goes away, quickly and quietly.
Yes.
Sorry, what? Well, I mean this Janet woman, she's either mistaken or a liar.
But either way, Steven is completely innocent.
And you are going to come to that conclusion during your investigation.
Aren't you? You are Janet's line manager, that's correct? Yes.
And would you say she's a good employee, or could you not really say because you don't know her that well? Oh, actually I know her very well.
We socialise together.
Likes a drink, does she? Oh no, we used to volunteer at the Samaritans together.
Used to? But not anymore.
Well, not since we moved up to Leeds.
But we meet at church regularly and we're both on the volunteer donor scheme.
That's where we met Paul.
Janet offered his daughter one of her kidneys.
Sadly she wasn't a match.
So, please state your name, Vince.
Vince.
And could you tell us a little bit about Steven? Steven is a really nice bloke.
Kind, considerate, he'd do anything for you.
Everybody thinks so.
Except the IT guys.
He owes them money from a poker game.
He's a terrible gambler.
Terrible! Vince, you've never seen Steven sexually harass anyone, have you? Never.
Of course not.
Although they do say that all men are potential rapists.
Not me, obviously.
Or Steven, of course.
Although he certainly does have a way with the ladies.
But I can confidently say that in the two and a half weeks I've known Steven, he has not been a sex pest.
What the hell am I going to do? I can't make this go away quickly and quietly.
He's guilty as OJ.
Right, well, before I reveal my conclusions, I just wanted to give Steven one last chance to explain his behaviour.
Steven, you said in your statement that you saw a mouse? That's correct.
Yeah.
And is there anything you wanted to add about that mouse? Like what? You know, are you sure it wasn't .
.
something a little .
.
a snake, maybe? No, it was definitely a mouse.
There are no mice in the building.
I should know, I work in facilities management.
We sweep for them every week.
What about snakes? Oh God, this is ridiculous.
He said he saw a mouse.
Why are you protecting him? And you, trying to make me think it was all a misunderstanding.
Yeah, you did actually say that, Sally.
Do you think Steven is innocent? Sally, do you think Steven's innocent? I'm, I've just really got to, sorry I'm really sorry.
Men like him will keep offending unless you stand up to them.
I know what I saw, I'm not blind.
Why don't you say something? Yeah, Alyson, why don't you say something? Right.
There is one more thing I have to ask you, Janet.
Have you, or any of your family, every suffered from any mental illness? What?! Schizophrenia, depression, compulsive lying Do you know what, this is bullshit! I quit! If you ask me, they should lock him up.
Or castrate him.
He's not a rapist.
Not yet, but they all start somewhere.
Like Hitler.
He probably didn't just invade Spain, or wherever.
I bet he robbed a shop or a bike or something first.
Anyway, I don't get why he's never tried it on with me.
Sexual predators have got a type.
Janet's got dark hair.
Maybe we should give him a second chance? I mean he made a mistake, a moment of madness.
They said that about Hitler.
Will you stop going on about Hitler! You need to come back inside now.
I don't need to do anything.
Steven, no other company is going to touch you unless this thing is cleared up.
Right, and Christine is going to clear it up, is she? Christine didn't make this mess.
Please, just come back inside.
There's no point.
I'm going to be found guilty anyway.
Which is why, for your sake, I am going to tell them about us.
Alyson, you've got something to say? Janet, I owe you an apology.
What you saw between me and Steven - What? Christine, I really need a word.
What are you doing? Where did you get these suggestion boxes? This is not a great time.
Where did you get them from? Um, the store cupboard.
Why? Oh! Oh, my God! Get it away from me! Get it away from me! Get it away from me please! Oh, my God! Please! I should have believed you, I'm sorry.
Peace offering.
I'm not a girl.
You are scared of mice, though.
Oh, ha, ha.
Are you talking to me? How about now? Oh, mouse! Very bloody funny! Very funny! Have you got a moment? So, where were you last night? Out.
I was going to tell them, you know.
Yeah, well you should never have let it get that far.
I've er, I've found somewhere to live.
You're right, this sneaking around, it's no good for your reputation.
And to be honest with you, I can't be arsed with it anymore.
Well, hang on.
Where are you moving to? A mate's.
Alyson studied at Bristol University, blah-de-blah-de-blah.
Alyson worked at Harley Hughes Consulting.
Oh, boring.
Alyson's hobbies include pilates and cycling.
Hmm.
(Knock at door) You wanted to see me? Yeah, I er showed Alyson your proposal.
Did she like it? Loathed was her exact word.
Disappointing, uninspiring and bland were some of the others.
Are you trying to make a mockery of this department?! I thought I did a good job.
Well, you thought wrong.
Quite frankly I am lost for words.
And I speak four languages.
Don't, don't feel bad, you know.
You did your best, it's just your best is not very good.
Stick to what you know, yeah? Oh, Vince, Vince, can you find out if there's any pilates classes round here? Achievement Night? Yeah, it's something everyone can get involved in.
We go to the pub, have some drinks, not me, obviously, and just celebrate being together.
We could even have some songs and music.
So it's a bit like a karaoke night then? No, no, it's nothing like that.
But we should probably have one of those karaoke machines.
Why don't you just put Karaoke Night on the poster then? Achievement Night, it's got a great ring to it, hasn't it? You may have one.
Only if you can catch it.
Yeah! Thank you very much.
You going to karaoke or what? Yeah.
Karaoke.
Good.
Good.
Vince fell at the first hurdle, so I took over.
It was a right state.
Amateur hour, if you know what I mean.
STEVEN: .
.
karaoke.
Not a sexual advance, by the way.
Oh, right, I see.
Thank you.
Well, it's the least I could do.
I mean - I knew how keen you were on the idea, so I didn't want to let you down.
Listen, I just want to say how much I respect what you're doing for this company, and if there is anything I can do to help, just, you know, let me know.
Anyway, I er, I'd better, better be going.
I'm going to pick up my new bike.
I didn't know you cycled.
Yeah, I love it.
Yeah, cycle to work sometimes, and sometimes, you know, social .
.
to pilates and You do pilates? Yeah, yeah.
Got a black belt in it.
Goodnight, Max.
Goodnight.
Come on, yeah! £ Don't push too far Your dreams are china in your hand Natasha, no £ Don't wish too hard because they may come true £ And you can't help them £ Success, at last! Everyone looks like they're having fun, don't they? They certainly do.
Well done.
Just doing my job, Sally.
£ Like china in your hand.
£ Not that it matters, but everyone knows who organised this evening, don't they? Yes.
It was me.
Yes, I know.
And everyone knows that? I think so.
Good.
When you say you 'think so' And so I'm sure we'd all like to give a really big hand to Christine for organising this evening.
Speech, speech! No, shut up! 'Christine, Christine' Can I have a word please? Look, before you start No, I have listened to what you had to say, now it's my turn.
Who have you moved in with? You don't want to know.
Yes, I do.
Vince.
(Sniggers) What? It's not that bad.
No, you're right.
It could be worse.
Hold onto these.
Please.
Look, I am no good at grovelling, but you're right, I should have told Christine about us before things got so Fucked up? I know that I can be selfish and sometimes pig-headed.
Uh-huh.
And maybe even a bit of an egomaniac.
Yeah, all of the above.
£ I set out to get you with a fine tooth comb, I was soft £ What I'm trying to say is - I'm sorry.
And one day we will go public, but until that time, you need to know that I am mad about you.
£ Hold me closer and I'll feel no pain £ Every beat of my heart, We've got something going on £ How about we use these keys now? Have you seen those two guys at the bar? Hmm, not really my type.
Well, they will be if you drink that.
No way.
Fine, I'll just have them both then.
OK, go.
£ That is what we are £ No-one in between, How can we be wrong£ Let's do it.
Are you ready? What for? £ You raise me up £ To walk on stormy seas £ I am strong £ When I am on your shoulders £ You raise me up £ To more than I can Leave this to me.
£ Be £ (Applause) I think you told someone.
I made a promise.
I don't break promises.
Nathan Wright.
It's a bad idea, honestly.
You're not my brother.
I haven't told anyone, so let's just keep it to ourselves.
So, I take it they don't get on then.
Is this about Nathan? No - It's much worse than that - Max.
Closed Captions by CSI
And I'll get it.
I really will this time.
I think you're great.
But we work together and it's complicated.
Can we agree the other night never happened? Alyson's been sent to keep an eye on me.
I saw you together last night.
No wonder your boyfriend ran off with your bloody sister! So, Steven, you've been temping for me for nearly two months now.
Why do you want to apply for a permanent position? Well, I feel now is the right time in my life to knuckle down and concentrate on my career.
I notice from your CV that you've done quite a lot of travelling.
How do I know you're not just going to take off again? Because I've never worked for someone like you before.
Are you trying to flirt with me? No.
No, you're far too clever for that.
OK.
Well, thank you, Steven, and I will consider your application and let you know in due course.
In the meantime, I'd appreciate it if you could send those out.
Right, well, that's going to take all night.
Well, perhaps I'll stay late and help you.
£ Theme music So, you sit down .
.
gently and smoothly.
Mm-hm.
And check that your eyes are level with the top of the screen.
If not, use this lever to change the height.
Right.
It can go up.
Or of course Down.
Down.
Er, right, so I sit down, yeah, gently and smoothly.
OK.
And then I, um Sorry, I've completely forgotten.
Adjust the height.
Adjust the height, of course, using this one, this one .
.
this one here.
No! That's the backrest.
Yeah, sorry.
Look, here, let me.
Yeah.
OK.
Yeah, thank you, that is, that's much better.
It's vital that you sit correctly.
You wouldn't believe the calls we get about lower lumbar pain.
Really? Right, well, thank you, Jane, Janet, sorry.
It is Janet, isn't it, yeah? That was a really useful session.
Oh.
Well, you're welcome.
What? Morning.
I know what you're going to say.
Do you now? Mm-hm.
You're going to do that speech about how my behaviour in the office reflects on you and how I should be more er, oh, God, what's the word? Professional? Yeah, there we go.
I wasn't going to say that.
Yeah, you were.
So, do you want anything? Coffee, tea, me? Now would we say that that's professional behaviour, Steven? Yeah, I'll get you a coffee.
So, what did you do at the weekend? Oh, you know, the usual drunken, debauched antics.
Wow! Yeah.
What did you really do? Takeaway and a video.
Hmm.
Um, so you're not seeing anyone at the moment then? Er, no.
What? We're mates now, right? Yeah.
I'm allowed to ask you that, aren't I? Yeah, it's just a bit odd, you know, after (Whistles) What, is that what we did? (Whistles) (Giggles) So, er, anyone on the radar or? No, I'm happy.
Just me.
Yeah, no-one's happy 'just me'.
Worse things than being single, you know.
What about your love life? Still all cloak and dagger, or does she let you hold her hand after school? Actually, things are going very well between me and um .
.
that person.
Sounds like it.
Mm.
Maybe one day she'll let you say her name in public.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Listen, Sal, um, about the whole me and(Coughs).
.
Alyson, thing.
Um, she doesn't know that you know, so if we could just My lips are sealed.
Cheers.
Oh, it's so romantic isn't it, your girlfriend won't admit you exist.
Oh.
Actually, if you must know, she is mad about me.
Really? Steven.
Have you got a minute? Alyson, for you I have all day.
Great, so can you proof these and these? Yeah.
And I've done a list of things I need for the office.
Oh, what did your last slave die of? Oh, he didn't die, I fired him.
Is that mine? Great, thank you.
(Woman sings) You didn't sleep here, did you? Is it so unusual that I'm in on time? Punctuality is part of a positive mental attitude.
I did that last night at my meeting.
You went? Oh, that's brilliant.
And do you know, the best thing is, this Leeds lot, they're actually very nice.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
That's what Elijah says.
As in the Bible? Oh, sorry, no, as in my AA sponsor.
He's been just so inspirational.
He says that all addiction comes from low self-esteem, so apparently I have to just change the way I perceive myself, starting with my job.
So, I've decided to put the 'Hue' back into Human Resources.
The Hue? The colour.
It's a metaphor.
Now that I say it out loud, it doesn't really work.
Point being, you know, things, they're going to change round here.
I am going to put this department back on the map.
Great.
So what's the plan? What indeedy! You don't actually have a plan, do you? Not as such.
No.
So Vivienne isn't coming back? Well, to be honest with you, Roger, I haven't got a clue.
One minute she's dying, then she's not, then she's in remission and she's coming back and then she's not.
I mean, I thought cancer was supposed to be serious! Sorry, Jenny, don't write that - because that might look bad out of context.
Thing is, while she's away, I'm acting Head of Marketing, and I decide what campaigns we run, right? Right, so, what's the problem? Alyson.
She's getting involved in everything.
Is she? Don't you know? Are you her boss or not? Yes, I am her boss.
And yours.
Right, point taken.
Could you just have a word with her and tell her to back off a bit, because at the moment she's tying my hands behind my back and stuffing my balls in my mouth! Sorry, Jenny, don't Right, I'll speak to her later.
Thanks.
But after her presentation.
What presentation? So, if we want Butterworth's to be the number one supermarket in the country, then we have to change the way that we work, and that means everywhere, from the checkout to here at Head Office.
We have to stop thinking about our own specific roles and start thinking about .
.
oneButterworth's.
One company, with one vision, working together.
Now you are all capable of coming up with good ideas.
Ideas about new product lines, or initiatives to boost morale.
And the bottom line is this - if you have an idea, bring it to me.
And if I like it, it'll happen.
This is the only way that we are going to turn things around.
This is my vision for Butterworth's.
(Applause) Hello again.
Oh, hello.
Um, Janet, sorry to be a pain, but I need another chair.
Well, I don't, my boss does.
She wants a posture mid-back Executive.
There you go.
Oh, we'll have to order it, I'm afraid.
We've only got one left in stock.
Right, and why can't I have that one? Well, it's just it's reserved for Roger Sorsby, and you know what his PA is like.
Listen, um .
.
the last thing that I want to do is to get you in trouble, but um .
.
you know who my boss is, don't you? I mean I make it my business not to cross her.
You would be saving my life .
.
literally.
Chair's in here.
Janet, you are a total star, thank you.
(Giggles) I was not trying to make you look stupid! 'My vision for Butterworth's'.
What the hell was that?! I'm just doing my job - It's not your job to undermine me in front of the workforce! From now on, you keep me informed of what you're planning and I'll do the same.
I wasn't aware you were planning anything.
Look, let's just try and be straight with each other, OK? We don't have to be in each other's pockets, but if we could spend some more time together, we could I know this is hard to believe, but you may actually learn something from me.
And if I don't, you could always retire.
OK, from now on, I'll keep you in the loop.
(Knock at the door) Sorry, is now a good time? Yeah, we're all done here.
I've ordered one just like that.
Great minds eh? Hmm.
So you've got a plan? Yeah, it just came to me in a flash when she was going on about boosting morale.
I thought why don't we do a series of initiatives designed to .
.
boost morale.
Make people really look forward to coming to work.
Well, karaoke and free booze always goes down well.
I think we can be a little more imaginative than that.
La la! Lunch buddies? Yeah.
You pick someone to go to lunch with.
You know, it's kind of like Secret Santa, but without the crappy present.
People get to meet someone new, friendships are forged, love and harmony spread through the office.
He's got halitosis.
Oh.
She hates me.
I shagged her boyfriend.
(People mutter) Oh, he's just rubbish, I don't, do you know Sorry, I've just got to get to the Sorry.
Um, er, I need to see Christine right away.
OK.
I'm not sure where she is at the moment, so It is very important.
I'd, er, like to make a complaint.
It's about Steven McColl.
Right, I see.
And er, what's the nature of the complaint? Sexual assault.
She said I did what? Touched her inappropriately.
It was an accident, my hand brushed against her Brushed against her.
Oh, come on, you don't really think I'd grope some random woman do you? I mean, apart from you the other week, obviously.
This is serious, Steven, you could get fired.
Oh, God.
Um, Alyson doesn't know, does she? No-one does.
Good.
Well, I would talk to Janet, or whatever her name is, but she might pepper spray me, so any chance you could have a word with her? Let her know I'm not that kind of bloke? I'm HR.
I'm meant to stay impartial.
Come on, Sal, I really need you to help me out here.
Will you speak to her please? Please? We encourage employees to deal with their grievance informally wherever possible, as informal discussions often provide an effective method of resolving issues at an early stage.
Really? Meaning I'm going to go and speak to Janet and see if she'll accept an apology from Steven.
Right, and do I have to do anything yet? No.
Brilliant.
Lunch buddies then.
Thanks for the invite.
I'm just keeping you in the loop.
Although I'm not sure you're going to like it.
Um Come on, come on! What do I do? You've got the ball and the floor, just say whatever pops into your head.
Right, um Come on, Roger, pass it on, let's keep things flowing.
OK, we should put post offices in some of our stores.
How much will that cost? No negativity in a brainstorm.
Max.
Oh! We should get celebrity endorsements for our new product ranges.
Celebrity endorsements are good, but Quick! Quick! Quick! Or pass it on.
I'll pass it on when I'm ready! The whole point is to It's OK.
Roger, it's just a bit of fun.
That speech of Alyson's totally inspired me.
So I went to see her with some ideas.
She was blown away.
Wants me to work them up for her.
Number one rule of business - put yourself out there, be noticed, achieve.
Have you ever been to Turkey? No, I haven't actually, but I've always wanted to go.
Don't bother, it's shite.
Look, lunch buddy or not, it's still over.
Look, get a grip, just pull yourself together.
Well, everyone seems to be enjoying themselves.
Turnout's a bit poor though.
Still, never mind, it's the spirit of lunch buddies that's important, isn't it? Oh.
I'm looking for Christine Frances? She's over there.
Thanks for this.
No worries.
Who have I got now? Ooh, thanks.
He's gorgeous.
Oh, sorry, no, it's that one, just to the left, just there.
No.
No, Sally, Sally, Sally! I want to swap back! Oh, oh, hello.
I wasn't expecting you.
I wanted to talk off the record.
Can I? Er So, I spoke to Steven about what happened, and he said it was an accident and that he stumbled.
And you believe him? He's just not that kind of person, Janet.
You say that, but he does have a rather overtly sexual manner about him.
Well, hehe's a bit of a flirt, but that's just his way, he doesn't mean anything by it.
I honestly think he just made a mistake.
We all make mistakes, don't we? So perhaps if I ask Steven to apologise, maybe you could think about forgiveness.
Perhaps.
And you really don't want to make an accusation like this unless you're absolutely certain.
You seem to know him very well.
I do.
I do.
Well, if you say he's not that kind of person, then She's dropping the charges? Oh, fantastic.
Well done us.
Oh, look at him - butter wouldn't melt.
It's always the ones you least expect.
You really should watch Midsomer Murders.
Steven said he didn't do it, Christine.
He's hardly going to admit it, is he? Anyway, moving on.
Now, your Lunch Buddies idea - didn't work, but well done for trying.
You know.
Still, onwards and upwards, let's focus on MBI phase 2.
MBI? Morale Boosting Initiatives.
Keep up.
OK.
Employee feedback.
Yeah? Everyone likes to have their say, makes them feel included.
Let's see what people are thinking out there.
Oh, need a hand? Please.
There you go.
I was just coming to find you actually.
Oh yeah? I've got some good news.
Janet's had a rethink.
You're in the clear.
Oh, Sally, I could kiss you.
But I won't, obviously.
You might want to steer clear of her for a while, and maybe, you know, just be on your best behaviour for a bit.
Scouts honour.
You were in the Scouts? Yeah.
Well, until I got chucked out for shagging Brown Owl.
Ha, ha, very funny.
I can take it from here.
Thanks again for your help, Miss Newman.
Butterworth's.
Tell them I'd very much like to meet their Chief Executive and build up a strong personal relationship.
Where's Vince? Don't know.
Probably begging someone to be his flatmate.
He hasn't lost another one, has he? Where's my post lunch latte? I thought Natasha could get it.
I'm working, Vince.
Hmm, some of us have real work to do.
Arse kisser.
At least I'm trying to improve myself.
Why? So someone will live with you? Right, alright! Listen up, guys, there's still a promotion on the table and I know you're both trying to impress me.
Actually, I'm trying to impress Alyson.
What? She's asked me to work up some ideas I've had.
She I don't want to get personal about the guy, but he's totally out of his depth.
I mean sure, Vince might stumble across the odd good idea every now and again, but hey, give a million monkeys a typewriter, you'll get the script of Hamlet.
I mean, do you really think he'll come up with anything remotely interesting? You know, you mess with the natural order of things, you get chaos.
I mean I wouldn't ask the cleaner to get me a latte, I'd ask Vince.
Well, this is exactly what I was talking about yesterday.
You see, the spirit of my one Butterworth's idea is - We both know that there are certain things we have to say in public, you know, the game of corporate chess played out in front of the troops, but we don't actually believe it, do we? You know.
You carry on working your ideas up, Vince.
Have something for me by the end of the week.
What about his PA duties? Can you cope? Piece of cake.
Then so can you.
Yeah.
I should be out of here by six.
If you knock off early, you could have dinner waiting for me.
And then we could have an early night.
Right, I'll cancel poker.
You won't regret it.
(Knock at door) Better not.
Steven, stop it.
Steven, stop it, no! I've just seen him make an unwanted sexual advance towards Alyson Cartmell.
Not that kind of person eh? No, but this is different because Steven and Alyson .
.
work together.
But what on earth has that got to do with it? I'm just saying that whatever you saw between Alyson Cartmell and - I just think maybe you misunderstood.
Stop telling me I misunderstood! I want a full investigation into my initial complaint.
There was no misunderstanding.
He groped me.
Absolutely.
Men like this should be stopped.
And if you don't believe me, there's a security camera in the store cupboard.
I'm sure there's a perfectly good explanation for this.
He's just not - That kind of person, yeah, you said.
Oh, my God! Before I say anything, you should know that anything you say will be treated in the strictest confidence.
What are you talking about? There has been an accusation made, a very serious accusation about Steven.
A female employee is claiming that she was sexually assaulted by him.
What?! She's also claiming that she witnessed him harassing you, sexually I mean.
Well, I can tell you for a fact that that is completely untrue.
Who is this woman anyway? Procedure dictates that we have to keep things anonymous for now, but this is something we are treating very seriously.
But this is ridiculous! I mean do you honestly think that Steven would do anything like that? We do have security camera footage.
Not of you and Steven, but of him and Janet.
Oh, shit! Forget I said Janet.
Has Steven ever made any sexual advances towards you? Steven has never made any sexual advances towards me.
He has always been extremely professional.
You know, sometimes, in cases like these, the victim feels it's her fault.
I am not a victim.
How many times have I told you to tone it down at work? I said I'm sorry, all right? You've got to grow up, take some responsibility.
Like staying in my flat.
I thought you were fine with that? It was meant to be temporary, Not once have I seen you even look for anywhere else! We can't keep sneaking into work together.
Exactly.
Which is why we should tell people that we're a couple.
I've just joined the bloody company.
Sleeping with my PA is not what I want to be known for.
I could get sacked for this! I told Christine that nothing happened, that this Janet woman must be mistaken.
I mean I assume that's true? What?! You screwed Christine's PA, didn't you? No, we didn't actually - do you know, the only reason I went out that night is because you'd been such a cow.
Oh God, let's not get into this now.
Yes, let's get into it.
Oh, come on.
Do you really think that I'm capable of sexual assault? No.
Look, I'll see if I can make this whole thing go away.
Thank you.
I'm not just doing it for you.
What do you mean, it's complicated? Well, not complicated, confusing.
You either believe me or you don't.
Look, I know whatever Janet thought she saw between you and Alyson - Clearly she didn't know the facts, but the thing in the store cupboard, the CCTV footage, it's pretty incriminating.
I am not a liar! I told you what happened.
I stumbled and I put my hands out to steady myself.
You just randomly stumbled? I saw a mouse.
What? I saw a mouse, OK? It ran out in front of me and it made me jump.
It can happen! Yeah, if you're the maid in Tom and Jerry.
Don't take the piss! It's a phobia, I've had it since I was a kid.
Why didn't you say something? Well, it's not very macho, is it, being freaked out by a mouse? I didn't know what to say.
There's going to be a disciplinary hearing.
You're going to need something more believable than a mouse.
It's the truth.
Some decent character witnesses might help.
And if you and Alyson went public - That's not going to happen.
I mean - I don't want to put her in that position.
Well Well, what about you? I mean, you know me, you can vouch for me, right? I'm part of HR, it wouldn't be right.
I see.
Sally, there was a mouse in that store cupboard.
Yeah.
Thanks a lot, mate.
Karen, can you pass me that stapler please? Beast! All right, boys? Listen, I need a favour.
Do you know what character witnesses are? I said I'd pay you back! Alright, ladies? Listen, um, I need a favour.
MAX: 10, 11 .
.
58, 59, 60! (Sighs) Vince.
No time for idle chit-chat.
Important people waiting on my proposal.
That's what I wanted to talk to you about.
Fire away.
If you like, I'll read the proposal for you.
Give it the once-over before you give it to Alyson? OK.
Yeah, why not? OK then.
Ah.
(Laughs) You haven't come to touch me up, have you? Ooh.
Yeah, that's not very funny.
It is actually.
Max, I need to ask you a favour.
Er, you want me to be your character witness to get you off the old (Makes trumpet sounds) How do you know that? Because you've asked the entire building.
Right, well, will you? Steven, as you get older, you realise that women need to be treated with respect, poker debts need to be paid off, not necessarily in that order, but OK, OK! I will be your witness, on one condition - that you let me know everything I need to know about your boss.
Why? Alyson is going straight to the top, and I want to be riding her back.
Riding her all the way there.
Metaphorically speaking, of course, not literally.
Although, actually, either would be fine, so Pratt! Steve Why haven't you asked me? What?! I don't know, I didn't think.
'Cause I think what they've accused you of is a disgrace.
I'll stand up for you.
Really? Wow, thanks.
Of course, you'd have to do something for me.
Something personal.
Vince, I'm not gay.
Ugh! Neither am I.
Why would you say that? Well, I don't know, you just Never mind.
What is it you want? We want a pay rise.
Flexi time.
That's not very imaginative, is it? Ooh, this is a good one.
Christine Frances is the beating heart of this company.
Is that her writing? Yep.
What's up with you? It's just this stuff with Steven is making me think about Michael.
What's this got to do with your ex? I don't know, I just seem to always back the wrong horse.
Has something happened between you and Steven? We had an almost one-night stand.
Sal! That is unforgivable! Why do you never tell me anything? And what is an almost one-night stand? Ugh, you don't want to hear details.
Yeah, I do.
Anyway, the point is, he's the first guy I've liked since Michael and he's a Oh, I'm just such an idiot.
Oh, come on Sal, I mean it's not that bad.
As far as perverts go, he's a really good pull.
Yeah.
I think it would be better for all of us, in particular the company, if this whole thing just went away.
I know, I know.
But we are where we are, and I just want to assure you that I am going to give this my absolute undivided attention, and see to it that It goes away, quickly and quietly.
Yes.
Sorry, what? Well, I mean this Janet woman, she's either mistaken or a liar.
But either way, Steven is completely innocent.
And you are going to come to that conclusion during your investigation.
Aren't you? You are Janet's line manager, that's correct? Yes.
And would you say she's a good employee, or could you not really say because you don't know her that well? Oh, actually I know her very well.
We socialise together.
Likes a drink, does she? Oh no, we used to volunteer at the Samaritans together.
Used to? But not anymore.
Well, not since we moved up to Leeds.
But we meet at church regularly and we're both on the volunteer donor scheme.
That's where we met Paul.
Janet offered his daughter one of her kidneys.
Sadly she wasn't a match.
So, please state your name, Vince.
Vince.
And could you tell us a little bit about Steven? Steven is a really nice bloke.
Kind, considerate, he'd do anything for you.
Everybody thinks so.
Except the IT guys.
He owes them money from a poker game.
He's a terrible gambler.
Terrible! Vince, you've never seen Steven sexually harass anyone, have you? Never.
Of course not.
Although they do say that all men are potential rapists.
Not me, obviously.
Or Steven, of course.
Although he certainly does have a way with the ladies.
But I can confidently say that in the two and a half weeks I've known Steven, he has not been a sex pest.
What the hell am I going to do? I can't make this go away quickly and quietly.
He's guilty as OJ.
Right, well, before I reveal my conclusions, I just wanted to give Steven one last chance to explain his behaviour.
Steven, you said in your statement that you saw a mouse? That's correct.
Yeah.
And is there anything you wanted to add about that mouse? Like what? You know, are you sure it wasn't .
.
something a little .
.
a snake, maybe? No, it was definitely a mouse.
There are no mice in the building.
I should know, I work in facilities management.
We sweep for them every week.
What about snakes? Oh God, this is ridiculous.
He said he saw a mouse.
Why are you protecting him? And you, trying to make me think it was all a misunderstanding.
Yeah, you did actually say that, Sally.
Do you think Steven is innocent? Sally, do you think Steven's innocent? I'm, I've just really got to, sorry I'm really sorry.
Men like him will keep offending unless you stand up to them.
I know what I saw, I'm not blind.
Why don't you say something? Yeah, Alyson, why don't you say something? Right.
There is one more thing I have to ask you, Janet.
Have you, or any of your family, every suffered from any mental illness? What?! Schizophrenia, depression, compulsive lying Do you know what, this is bullshit! I quit! If you ask me, they should lock him up.
Or castrate him.
He's not a rapist.
Not yet, but they all start somewhere.
Like Hitler.
He probably didn't just invade Spain, or wherever.
I bet he robbed a shop or a bike or something first.
Anyway, I don't get why he's never tried it on with me.
Sexual predators have got a type.
Janet's got dark hair.
Maybe we should give him a second chance? I mean he made a mistake, a moment of madness.
They said that about Hitler.
Will you stop going on about Hitler! You need to come back inside now.
I don't need to do anything.
Steven, no other company is going to touch you unless this thing is cleared up.
Right, and Christine is going to clear it up, is she? Christine didn't make this mess.
Please, just come back inside.
There's no point.
I'm going to be found guilty anyway.
Which is why, for your sake, I am going to tell them about us.
Alyson, you've got something to say? Janet, I owe you an apology.
What you saw between me and Steven - What? Christine, I really need a word.
What are you doing? Where did you get these suggestion boxes? This is not a great time.
Where did you get them from? Um, the store cupboard.
Why? Oh! Oh, my God! Get it away from me! Get it away from me! Get it away from me please! Oh, my God! Please! I should have believed you, I'm sorry.
Peace offering.
I'm not a girl.
You are scared of mice, though.
Oh, ha, ha.
Are you talking to me? How about now? Oh, mouse! Very bloody funny! Very funny! Have you got a moment? So, where were you last night? Out.
I was going to tell them, you know.
Yeah, well you should never have let it get that far.
I've er, I've found somewhere to live.
You're right, this sneaking around, it's no good for your reputation.
And to be honest with you, I can't be arsed with it anymore.
Well, hang on.
Where are you moving to? A mate's.
Alyson studied at Bristol University, blah-de-blah-de-blah.
Alyson worked at Harley Hughes Consulting.
Oh, boring.
Alyson's hobbies include pilates and cycling.
Hmm.
(Knock at door) You wanted to see me? Yeah, I er showed Alyson your proposal.
Did she like it? Loathed was her exact word.
Disappointing, uninspiring and bland were some of the others.
Are you trying to make a mockery of this department?! I thought I did a good job.
Well, you thought wrong.
Quite frankly I am lost for words.
And I speak four languages.
Don't, don't feel bad, you know.
You did your best, it's just your best is not very good.
Stick to what you know, yeah? Oh, Vince, Vince, can you find out if there's any pilates classes round here? Achievement Night? Yeah, it's something everyone can get involved in.
We go to the pub, have some drinks, not me, obviously, and just celebrate being together.
We could even have some songs and music.
So it's a bit like a karaoke night then? No, no, it's nothing like that.
But we should probably have one of those karaoke machines.
Why don't you just put Karaoke Night on the poster then? Achievement Night, it's got a great ring to it, hasn't it? You may have one.
Only if you can catch it.
Yeah! Thank you very much.
You going to karaoke or what? Yeah.
Karaoke.
Good.
Good.
Vince fell at the first hurdle, so I took over.
It was a right state.
Amateur hour, if you know what I mean.
STEVEN: .
.
karaoke.
Not a sexual advance, by the way.
Oh, right, I see.
Thank you.
Well, it's the least I could do.
I mean - I knew how keen you were on the idea, so I didn't want to let you down.
Listen, I just want to say how much I respect what you're doing for this company, and if there is anything I can do to help, just, you know, let me know.
Anyway, I er, I'd better, better be going.
I'm going to pick up my new bike.
I didn't know you cycled.
Yeah, I love it.
Yeah, cycle to work sometimes, and sometimes, you know, social .
.
to pilates and You do pilates? Yeah, yeah.
Got a black belt in it.
Goodnight, Max.
Goodnight.
Come on, yeah! £ Don't push too far Your dreams are china in your hand Natasha, no £ Don't wish too hard because they may come true £ And you can't help them £ Success, at last! Everyone looks like they're having fun, don't they? They certainly do.
Well done.
Just doing my job, Sally.
£ Like china in your hand.
£ Not that it matters, but everyone knows who organised this evening, don't they? Yes.
It was me.
Yes, I know.
And everyone knows that? I think so.
Good.
When you say you 'think so' And so I'm sure we'd all like to give a really big hand to Christine for organising this evening.
Speech, speech! No, shut up! 'Christine, Christine' Can I have a word please? Look, before you start No, I have listened to what you had to say, now it's my turn.
Who have you moved in with? You don't want to know.
Yes, I do.
Vince.
(Sniggers) What? It's not that bad.
No, you're right.
It could be worse.
Hold onto these.
Please.
Look, I am no good at grovelling, but you're right, I should have told Christine about us before things got so Fucked up? I know that I can be selfish and sometimes pig-headed.
Uh-huh.
And maybe even a bit of an egomaniac.
Yeah, all of the above.
£ I set out to get you with a fine tooth comb, I was soft £ What I'm trying to say is - I'm sorry.
And one day we will go public, but until that time, you need to know that I am mad about you.
£ Hold me closer and I'll feel no pain £ Every beat of my heart, We've got something going on £ How about we use these keys now? Have you seen those two guys at the bar? Hmm, not really my type.
Well, they will be if you drink that.
No way.
Fine, I'll just have them both then.
OK, go.
£ That is what we are £ No-one in between, How can we be wrong£ Let's do it.
Are you ready? What for? £ You raise me up £ To walk on stormy seas £ I am strong £ When I am on your shoulders £ You raise me up £ To more than I can Leave this to me.
£ Be £ (Applause) I think you told someone.
I made a promise.
I don't break promises.
Nathan Wright.
It's a bad idea, honestly.
You're not my brother.
I haven't told anyone, so let's just keep it to ourselves.
So, I take it they don't get on then.
Is this about Nathan? No - It's much worse than that - Max.
Closed Captions by CSI