Monsters vs. Aliens (2013) s01e01 Episode Script

Welcome to Area Fifty-Something

MVA MVA Monsters vs.
Aliens It's us vs.
them Foe vs.
friend Brain vs.
It's a super-freaky job Oh, yeah, it's freaky.
MVA Monsters vs.
Aliens Monsters vs.
Aliens [cackles] Monsters vs.
Aliens MVA [exotic music] 1x01 - Welcome to Area Fifty-Something [beeping] This, Monsters, is where the unidentified flying object crashed.
- Right here on the table? - In Australia, Bob.
So it's not unidentified.
Technically Australian.
Yes, Bob, you're totally right.
It's easier than explaining.
[breath spray spritzes] Monsters, I don't need to tell you how bad things got the last time aliens set foot on Earth.
Indeed, Mr.
The Golden Gate bridge sustained catastrophic structural damage.
Bridge? Dr.
Cockroach, I'm talking about my approval ratings.
Fleeing like a ninny hurt my "tough on extraterrestrials" image.
Also, the wet pants didn't help.
So, I need you to stop these aliens, hard! Mr.
President, you can count on Team Monster.
[heroic music] [engine whirring] [engine whines] MVA Ooh! Ooh! [device trilling] These are the smallest aliens I've ever seen! Not aliens, Bob.
Those are Myrmecia Desertorum, - commonly known as "bull ants.
" - Ah.
Then these are the biggest ants I've ever seen! Indeed, but we're not here for ants.
We're here to investigate this mysterious object from the stars.
Okay, let's get this over with.
Where do I give 'em the ol' one two? Whoa, Link, I'm not sure "the ol' one two" is the answer here.
Susan, when it comes to aliens, the ol' one two is always the answer.
It doesn't seem to be doing anything weird [electronic beeping] Whoa! Okay, that felt weird-and wrong.
[device hisses] Really wrong! Susan, it's absorbing your quantonium.
No! [shudders] Susan, you look different.
You changed your hair.
Bob, she's just take a look.
She's small.
Whoa! That all you brought? You're on Earth, baby.
Link's hizzy.
You gotta bring more than [ant screeches] that.
[ant roars] Wait, wait, that is the biggest ant I've ever seen.
- I don't suppose you could talk to it.
- Sorry, I don't speak ant.
[ant growls and screeches] Sweet mama Monger! Look at the size of that thing.
[high-pitched shriek] He did it.
President? Well, I thought you were in Washington.
I was, but with the whole alien situation I thought I should be here, underground, safe.
- We are safe, right? - General Monger, sir.
We've got another unidentified flying object and it's coming right at us! [high-pitched shriek] Totally him again.
Get it together, man.
[ant screeches] [yelps] Whoa! Can this guy dance or what? [yelping] Coming through.
[ant screeches] Brilliant strategy, drafting a local to fight for you.
- Now, let's see what makes you tick.
- Back off, ant.
You don't wanna tussle with all this muscle.
Ow! [pained groans] Get away from him! Ooh! Ahh! [ant screeches] Hey, over here.
Here, boy.
He's like a big pup [chuckles] Who's a bitey scamp? [chuckles] Ticklish.
Ticklish! [chuckles] - Tell me you got a plan, Doc.
- This is alien technology, Link.
It would take the brightest minds from the finest universities decades to unravel its most basic workings.
- So you can't fix me? - Dear girl, don't be silly.
I was just putting my forthcoming accomplishment in context.
[device hisses] Oh, no! Now I'm growing! Voilá.
Now I simply transfer the quantonium back into Susan, and once again, the Ginormica we all know and love [yelps] [machine pulsates] Hmm.
Uh, should it be making that wo-wo-wo noise? I would say run! [explosion] Oh, drat.
General Monger, I'm going to lead from behind on this one.
[shrieks] [grunts] Sorry, sir.
The constitution states the President must make first contact with alien visitors.
Greeting aliens is in the constitution? The secret constitution, article four.
Been that way since Teddy Roosevelt.
[music] [door hisses, whirs] [camera phone clicks] [yelps] [pained grunts] Gravity.
Misjudged the gravity.
Ooh! Ah, sorry about that.
Now, where are my notes? Oh, yes.
Of course.
[clears throat] Take.
- I'm not sure how I feel about this.
- Good news, Susan.
There are still trace amounts of quantonium in your blood.
And the "good" part is? You're 0.
00004% taller than you should be.
I'm supposed to be Ginormica.
"Ever-so-slightly-larger- than-normal-ica" isn't going to cut it.
Buckle up, rock stars.
We just got word from area fifty-something.
We got another alien situation.
- Where? - At area fifty-something.
[engine whines] [brakes screech] Uh, this man is our leader.
Uh, technically, I'm just one of three branches of government.
A lot of checks and balances on my, uh Mr.
President, your most esteemed excellency, on behalf of the rest of the galaxy, I want to say - Sorry.
- Pardon? What? We feel just awful about the whole gallaxhar kerfuffle.
Very embarrassing for us.
That's why [phone ringtone plays] Hold that thought.
[beep] Kinda in the middle of something.
[garbled chatter] Milk and beef jerky.
I'll stop on the way home, but it'll be a while.
[kissing] Okay, bye.
[clears throat] You were saying? You see, we feel awful about the gallaxhar incident and would like to [phone ringtone plays] Yes? [garbled chatter] That's tonight? Well, record it and we'll watch it later.
No, don't watch it without me.
It's the finale! You'll say something, then I'll know who won and [clears throat] Gotta go.
- [mumbling] Gallaxhar.
- Continue.
We would like to [phone ringtone plays] Ugh.
There's no peace and quiet when you're Commander-in-chief.
Perhaps a little alien technology will help.
[chuckles] - No signal? Nice.
- If cutting off all communication is the only way for us to commence intergalactic diplomacy, I say, "so be it.
" Alien technology.
I like it, Mr.
, uh Coverton.
[joints crack] Area fifty-something, do you copy? - Frequency's all jammed.
- I don't like this.
And I don't like ham salad.
As I was saying, I'm here to build bridges.
Or, uh, rebuild them, as the case may be.
Sweet molasses! So let me get this straight, Mr.
You don't wanna flambe our cities, harvest our organs, and/or turn us into a mindless zombie work force? Not until I know you better.
[cackles] [shrieks] Kidding.
[chuckles] I so got you.
[chuckles] You did, you cutup.
The uggies always make up for it in personality, don't they? But seriously, Mr.
President, I feel like I already know you so well.
In fact, I have a gift just for you.
[air hisses] [yelps] My bio-thermal scanners have located what could be an alien.
Definitely an alien.
And it's sweet tooth! - The President! - What? He's trapped in some sort of devious alien device.
Ham salad.
I'm getting something on the parabolic mic.
[high-pitched shriek] Uh, I don't think that's the President.
Sounds like a little girl.
[high-pitched shriek] - No, Bob, that's our President.
- Link, we are going in hot! [high-pitched laughing] I love this thing! - Everybody loves a fun bubble.
- I'm not wild about it.
Oh, please, General.
Your leader is About to be rescued by Team Monster! General: Monsters, no! [scream in slow-mo] Whee! Whoo! Yeah! Everybody rumba! [explosion] - Monsters, stand down! - Ignore the General.
He's obviously under the alien fiend's mind control.
[yelps] [groans] This is for Earth's most-dominant species.
[light slap] Yeah, humankind! Whoo! Actually, I was thinking of cockroaches, but whatever.
[light slap] We got you, Mr.
[screams] Oof! [groans] - Did you change your hair? - Mr.
President, you're safe now.
Monsters have the situation under control.
[laughs] Whoo! [groans] Right? [music] [kisses] What were you Monsters thinking? I wasn't.
No brain! We saw an alien.
In all probability, evil.
So you just run in and give the ol' one two? Yep! When it comes to aliens, the ol' one two is always the answer.
That's what Link says.
Right, buddy? Yeah, I might have said something like that.
But what about the cylinder that slurped up all my quantonium? Sounds like a stray Balgarbian probe.
They're always leaving those about the galaxy.
So it wasn't one of yours? [scoffs] Of course not.
[warbling tone] Simple coincidence.
President, I feel unsafe with these Monsters around.
Maybe I'll come back when you're ready, in a century or two.
But but I won't be President then! What if I got rid of the Monsters? All: What? You mean kicked them to the curb? They're out of here.
[all gasp] They are so fired.
- Mr.
President, you can't do that! - Just did.
I decided.
I'm the decider-er.
So it's decider-ed.
It's aliens in and monsters out.
Yay! Wait, boo? Boo! Please, General.
Maybe you could get the President to reconsider.
- Are they still here? - Hi, Mr.
President! So, what do we do now? I kinda have a limited skill set.
President, welcome to the power center of this ship.
But please, whatever you do, don't touch anything.
These instruments are very [loud beep] - No - I touched.
Is that a problem? - What in blue blazes? - Oh, dear.
[yelps] [groans] He activated the self-defense mode! Flee! Flee for your life! [lasers blasting] What do we do now? We're Monsters without a cause.
- Yes, we do seem fairly pointless.
- You want pointless? I'm not even sure I qualify as a Monster anymore.
I'm not pointless, but I kinda wish I was.
[explosion] - What was that? - Give you one guess.
Go, go! The President is trapped in there.
[battle cry] Do something! It's your dag-burned space ship! Yes, yes, I'm working on it.
President, the self-defense mode can be deactivated with a simple code.
Hit me with that code.
The first letter is zrub.
- Zrub? - It's the one that looks a bit like an upside-down ice cream cone that's on fire.
Uh, how about one that's sort of a three-legged wolverine with a bagpipe? No, that's quav aah! So, bad news.
Your President is apparently, um, doomed.
Which I suppose means you'll be in the market - for a new world leader.
- Negatory! The President will be rescued.
- All I need are - Monsters.
[strained groans] Reporting for duty.
And me! Monster on the, uh, inside.
Bob, show them why you're indestructible.
Good idea! My turn.
Hop in.
[whistles] They have no idea what they're doing.
They could make things worse! [screams] Then you better get in there and show 'em what for.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
My people do not "get in there.
" We stand on the sidelines and make scathing quips.
Get in there! [groans] [music] Hey, look who decided to join us.
It's your ship.
Feel free to lead the way.
I'm here strictly in an advisory role.
Now, the first wave of defense will be Aagh! Yes, those.
[hydraulics hiss] - Hey! - This is fun! Whee! Whoa! Ooh! [laughs] The alien technology failed to anticipate [groans] My cockroach ability [grunts] to withstand [grunts] the worst of [grunts] [screams] Going going going great in there.
Going lots a laughs.
Going good.
[grunts] - Follow me.
- Now careful.
The next chamber will prove much more difficult.
Difficult for you, funky feet, but Link's on this like butter on bread.
Ugh! That's an immobilizer ray.
Yeah, thanks.
I get that now.
[yelps] [groans] Sorry.
Immobilizer ray.
[groans] [all scream] It's hopeless.
We'll never make it to the President.
So what say we give up, hmm? Listen, I've been dying to try a special Earth beverage.
Uh, "leemonade" I believe it's called.
Is it good? Hmm? Susan, I have an idea.
At least, I think it's an idea.
Give it to me, Bob.
- The idea? - Oh, right! Let the ray hit me and then use me as a shield.
Bob, that's brilliant.
- Okay, get ready to roll.
- Ready! [laughs] That tickles.
- Thanks, Bob.
- No problem.
Yep, feeling pretty immobile now.
Whoa! [sighs] [both groan] Hey, guys, you're here too! [groans] - The President should be behind - This door.
[gasps] Hey, that's like the thing that zapped me! Oh, let's not waste our time bickering.
We have a President to save! - See, there he is.
- Coverton, thank goodness you're here.
And you too uh, I wanna say Sarah? - Susan.
- Don't step on the floor! It's pressure sensitive.
That is virtually unbreakable.
President, your approval rating is dropping.
[high-pitched shriek] [glass cracks] Oh, clever.
Well played, Sarah.
[annoyed] Yes, sir.
Carefully, Mr.
Climb onto my lap.
[grunting] Whoa! Aah! - Oh, kralnaz.
- Tell me, on your planet, "oh, kralnaz" means something good.
It means the ship is leaking hyperion, and when it blows, it will destroy half the world.
- Oh, kralnaz.
- Hold on.
Which half of the world, huh? [glass shatters] [hissing] [explosion] Duck and cover! [massive explosion] Whoo! That was awesome.
Did you see that, Susan? Susan? Hey, where's Susan? I'm afraid that Susan is gone.
Really? I hope she went someplace nice.
I'm sure she has, buddy.
[grunts] - Whoa.
- All: Susan! - Once again, Monsters save the world.
- Please, half the world.
Apparently, the quantonium left in Ginormica's system absorbed the explosive hyperion energy and reactivated her powers.
And it did more than that.
- Susan, think small thoughts.
- Small thoughts? Okay.
Snowflakes, ladybugs, those itty-bitty hot dog hors d'oeuvres.
- Cool.
- Well, I'll be.
Check me out.
I can totally control my Ginorma-sizing.
All right, Susan.
That's really aah! Sorry, Bob.
Okay, maybe not totally totally control.
No problem! Monsters, for your performance in saving me and the world, but mostly me, I'm officially welcoming you back to area fifty-something.
[all cheer] - Yeah! - Boo! No, wait.
Yay! Right? It's gonna be great having you work alongside my new BFF, Coverton.
What? An alien is staying here? - I know.
I'm so jealous.
- Oh, Mr.
Were I to go to Washington with you, we'd just waste all our time giggling and gossiping.
Point is, from now on, you guys are all one big, happy family.
[forced] That's awesome.
Super awesome.
[phone ringtone plays] Hello? [garbled chatter] I'm leaving right now.
[joints crack] Unfortunately, my Coverlord, our plan to neutralize Ginormica failed.
But I have the full trust of the President.
And even better, I have been placed in the earthlings' most secret base.
[knocking] Hurry up in there! Mother nature's calling me with a bullhorn! Gotta run.
Coverton out.
[toilet flushes] Sorry, your Earth commodes are so confusing.