Monsters vs. Aliens (2013) s01e09 Episode Script

Educational Television

MVA MVA Monsters vs.
Aliens It's us vs.
them Foe vs.
friend Brain vs.
B.
O.
B.
It's a super-freaky job Oh, yeah, it's freaky.
MVA Monsters vs.
Aliens Monsters vs.
Aliens Monsters vs.
Aliens MVA 1x16 - 98 Pound Cockroach Monsters, I'm sure you're all familiar with my fit-to-be-awesome program.
The one where kids run an obstacle course, to promote physical fitness and get a patch? Yes, but we've switched it up to temporary tattoos.
Because I'm cool like that.
Way ahead of you, boss.
Spokes-fish-man Link is happy to motivate the youth.
Just point the cameras at me.
Oh, you're not selling the program, Link.
You're participating in it.
You want us to run a child's obstacle course? - Not exactly.
- Where the tots have bouncy balls we're gonna put pointy things and lasers.
- And the best part - Fail and you're off the team.
What? Oh, you can go on being a monster, but you'll have to do it somewhere else.
Private sector maybe.
Um, one question.
Back here.
Why? Because I need to know my very expensive elite Monster team can at least outrun a fifth grader.
Oh, come on.
It'll be fun.
And mandatory.
All right, Monsters.
Show me what you got.
Fish-man, you're up.
Excellent.
Next.
Nice.
Though you could have gone ginormic and just stepped to the end.
- What? - Blue guy, wow me.
- Temporary tattoo me.
- Last, we have the good Doctor.
Hey, Doc.
Where are ya, bro? Uh, maybe he got lost.
Yeah.
What is it? I was scrapbooking.
- The obstacle course.
- Oh, right.
- He's gonna nail the best time.
- Totally.
Doc's got the speedy roach, gene.
Yeah, but not the one for chin-ups.
Remember, I am super smart.
That's worth a chin-up or two, right? Not here.
No exceptions, Doctor.
You've got 24 hours to pass this test.
Mr.
President, you ask the impossible.
Now it's 23:59.
- This is pointless.
- It's only pointless if you give up.
Which I'm paraphrasing from a kitten poster, but that doesn't mean it's not true.
Kittens are incapable of lying.
Everyone knows this.
Perhaps, but I will not find my answers on a sweat-stained workout mat.
I'm a mad scientist.
I should be mad sciencing.
Totally a word, by the way.
Of course.
Mr.
President, Dr.
Cockroach's contribution to this team can't be measured by mere mucle.
The guy's got brawn in his brain.
The team needs that.
And moreover, butterflies are not flies made of butter.
Hmm, I see.
I'm making my listening face, but I've made a rash and careless decision, and darn it, I intend to stick by it.
That's what being President means.
So the good Doctor is off your team in five, four, three, two Sorry to keep you waiting.
What say we dispense with the scurrying and just cut to the chase? Would, uh someone give me a hand? Never mind, I'll give myself one.
Whoa! Maybe two.
Satisfied, Mr.
President? Absolutely.
I'm giving you high marks.
- And a high five.
- Let's make it a high ten.
Math humor.
Ha! Love it.
Hey, Doc, I gotta hand it to you.
Link, if anybody should be "handing" around here it should be me.
Because you got extra hands, right? Just curious.
How did you grow those extra hands? Oh, Susan! Must you immediately leap to Defcon worry? Well, look, I know what mad science looks like - Double jazz hands! - Like that.
It's just a matter of time before before that.
Years ago, the transformation chamber left me 50% man So last night, I just turned it up a notch.
and apparently some splendid wings as well.
here says you're at 68%.
And the number keeps going up.
- Really? - Yeah, take a look.
Bright light! Under the fridge, under the fridge.
Sanctuary, sanctuary.
Don't like light.
Don't like! Cockroach taking over.
Must reverse.
Susan, help me.
- What do we do, Doc? - Eat it.
Unto! Unto an eat it! - I don't under - Eat it! He's speaking gibberish.
Unto! Eat it! Don't mind old Henry, kids.
Just picking up the garbage.
Pretend I'm not here.
Ah, yummy! Unto eat it! Unto eat it! See? Defcon worry.
I told you.
- You boys keep tabs on Cockroach.
- On it.
Me? I'm gonna channel my inner mad scientist.
Muahahaha It's harder than I thought.
Doc Roach, you in here? Dr.
Cockroaaaach! Hellooooo! Don't mind me.
I'm just looking for a 98 pound cockroach.
Enjoy your lunch.
Nope, nope, nope.
- B.
O.
B! - Nope.
If the route path does not exist, specify a variable designation for reassignment what? - Talk to me, guys.
Any luck? - Yes! I just found a penny! B.
O.
B.
, she was talking about finding Dr.
Cockroach.
- Really? - Kinda, yeah.
Pfft.
Context, Susan.
Next time you gotta give me some.
Garbage coming through.
Hey, where does that trash go? Down the chute to the incinerator.
Ah, garbage.
Good news, Suze.
We found Doc.
Bad news, he's about three seconds away from 3,000 degrees.
Doc! Doc! Where are you? Unto eat it! Hi ya, Doc.
Mmm mmm.
Eat it, eat it, eat it.
Stop the machine! Hurry! Can't hold on.
- Unto eat it.
- Link, what's going on? He's eating garbage and yelling "unto eat it" - just like in the lab.
- Un-to-eat-it? No way.
Hold on, Doc.
Don't move an inch.
Cupcake, mmm.
- Eat it.
- Doc! Guys, I know how to fix him.
Unto eat it.
Unto eat it.
- I will, Doc.
I will.
- Will what? Eat garbage? - Eat it.
Eat it! - He's not saying "unto eat it.
" He's saying "undo edit.
" We don't need to know to know how to work his machine.
We just need to select edit and hit "undo genetic alteration.
" Huzzah, Susan.
Thank you.
Though I will miss the wings.
Tell you what.
Let's bump up the roachiness five percent - No! - No! Four percent? Four? Three and 1/2? 1x17 - When Nature Shrieks That's unsettling.
I've only ever seen this in my nightmares.
- I didn't know he could smile.
- Great news, gang.
I'm giving you all weekend passes so you can join me on the annual camping trip.
Yay! Cramping! I love stomach pain! - Camping, B.
O.
B.
, not cramping.
- Like tents and sleeping bags and poisonous things hiding everywhere.
Even better! You bet your backpack.
Roughing it is an excellent way to relax from the stresses of modern life.
Plus, it helps you train for the inevitable collapse of civilized society.
Yes.
Is this camping expedition mandatory? Mandatory? Well, not technically.
- But it sure will be fun to - I'm afraid I'm gonna have to pass.
A petri dish of amoebas in my lab has just become self-aware.
Too self-aware, in fact.
Do these pseudopods make me look fat? I'm out too.
I got to, um read stories to orphaned baby seals? And I am allergic to doing things I despise.
Ahh! - Any other tent dodgers? - Not me.
I look forward to studying this Earth custom of self-inflicted wilderness suffering.
- Me too.
- I'm going to bow out.
- Camping isn't my thing.
- Negatory.
You're going.
But Link and Dr.
C According to your file, you were a Butterfly girl.
Yeah, but I stunk at camping.
Protein bar selling was the only badge I ever earned.
Close enough.
We roll at dawn.
Where'd you get that picture anyway? Susan, please.
It's area 50-something.
We've got access to every photo ever taken.
No! Not every photo? Right? Good morning, campers.
You smell that? That's adventure, and it's calling your name.
Actually, that's a breakfast burrito.
Sorry.
Load 'em up.
Ah, much better.
Whoa, whoa, way too much gear, camper.
Didn't they teach you anything in the Butterflies? I only sold the We're traveling light.
Roughing it.
See? Sqweep's got the right idea.
The right idea is always a desirable goal.
- Yep, we're gonna get along just fine.
- Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? - I will notify you upon arrival.
- I am merely engaging in traditional Earth child transportation behavior.
Apparently, time goes faster when you're annoying.
Annoying? Six months in the jungle living on mud, water, and grasshoppers is annoying.
- What you're doing is nothing.
- Can I play too? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? 99 bottles of are we there yet 99 bottles of are we there y - We are here! - What? Already? Who's ready to camp? Check it out.
I got this camping thing down.
Downtown.
Downtown camp town.
Stunk at this as a kid.
I stink at it now.
Buck up, Butterfly.
The problem isn't you.
It's your shelter.
It's too complicated, too modern, too much.
Take a look at Sqweep's tent.
Nice and simple.
Thank you.
My enclosure isn't a simple tent.
It is in fact a quantum multi-dimensional - temporary living space.
- Meaning? An ice cream maker? Bowling alley! A go-kart track.
Who's up for a dip in the infinity pool? - But that's not roughing it! - I fail to see why roughing it Means denying ourselves the advantages of technology.
That's exactly what it means.
Now, let's go for a fun 20-mile hike.
And have fun! You don't really have access to every photo ever taken, do you? 'Course I do.
Necessary for national security.
- But that's, like, billions.
- Don't worry, Susan.
Your cheerleading faux pas will stay our little secret.
What? I have no id Okay, thank you.
Yes.
A fully grown canegiea gigantea can absorb as much as 200 gallons of water during a rain storm.
We can drink from them when our canteens go dry.
And when we run out of grub I wonder what Link and Dr.
C.
Are doing right now.
Doc, take a load off.
Join me.
I got, like, our combined bodyweight in snacks over here.
Sorry, Link, but I'm managing a bit of a crisis.
I'm attempting to do couples therapy for the amoebas.
You never listen to me.
You don't care about my interests.
What interests? You're an amoeba! How much longer do we have to endure this torture? We can detour through this canyon to cut 15 miles off our hike, but what fun would that be? Why don't you use my planetary topogrator to calculate our route? Heh, real camper only needs a good map and a compass.
M-my map! I thought it was lunch.
No problem.
I still have my trusty compass.
So that wasn't dessert? Okay.
My bad.
Sqweep, new fangled spacey map.
Would you like me to instruct you on how the topogrator works? I've been reading maps since you were wearing space nappies.
Clearly shows the path here and a sharp drop Spleen! Come on, guys.
Follow the leader.
Spleen! Why bother with primitive fire when super-charged plasma - is much more efficient? - Because we are camping.
And camping means cooking marshmallows over a campfire! Because cooking with a Campfire is - fun! - Yeah, fun! Sorry.
It's that compass I ate.
Worse than that darn burrito.
Wow, that kitchen is fantastic.
Who would have thought you could have a chocolate raspberry torte while camping? Sorry I forgot to pack the lavender whipped cream.
- Well, we are roughing it.
- This isn't camping.
This is a mockery of everything camping stands for.
I will be camping elsewhere.
But General, you'll miss the ice cream social.
Can I have your ice cream then? Sir? Now this is camping.
Nothing but me and mama nature.
Whoa! - Hmm, more brownie bits, B.
O.
B.
? - Uh, why is this even a question? Of course more brownie bits.
- What was that? - Atmospheric discharge, I believe.
Aw, it melted.
Still having fun! The electrical storm disabled all my equipment including the topogrator.
- The ice cream maker too? - The ice cream maker too.
Why? - We need to find the General.
- Right.
He's not here.
Or here.
No.
- Or here.
- He couldn't have gone far.
- No.
Or here.
- I see him! - Is he under a rock? - No, but he is in trouble.
Still having fun.
No way we'll get there in time.
Whoo! - Gotcha.
- Ow.
Hmm, looks like your ankle's broken.
We have no navigation devices, food, or shelter.
Let's not even talk about the bowling alley.
Then we're doomed.
I won't last long with this bum leg.
But if you three feed on me, you might make it.
Anybody bring some soy sauce? No way! I'm gonna get us out of this.
- You? - I was a Butterfly girl.
And even though selling protein bars outside of supermarkets has nothing to do with the situation we're in, I got this.
Now, Susan, all that talk is just so much hot air.
I should provide at least three days of sustenance.
Four if you take sensible portions.
How much are your sensible portions? Hot air.
That's the answer.
- Susan, what are you doing? - Making a fire.
I did this once with the Butterflies.
We needed to light a scented candle at our crafts fair.
Whoo, it's a barbecue.
Who wants some prime USDA Monger shanks? Sorry, General.
Nobody's eating you today.
- I'm delicious.
- B.
O.
B.
, inhale.
Quick, grab on.
There's the base.
Let it rip.
Yahoo! General Monger, I am pleased to announce that I have completed my Earth studies report on the camping experience.
Summed up as awe-inspiring, right? Actually, summed up as a nostalgic attempt to return to a simpler time by forcing one's self into a prehistoric connection with the environment.
Like I said, awe-inspiring.
Speaking of which, when the chips were down you campers really pulled together.
A Butterfly girl camping badge? How? I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a girl.
Anyway, wear it with pride.
You earned it.
- I'm so honored.
- Me too.