Moonlighting s02e01 Episode Script

Brother, Can You Spare a Blonde?

Hi, I'm Madelyn Hayes and this is David Addison.
Right.
We'd like to take a minute to welcome you to - another season of Moonlighting.
- That's right.
Wrong.
- Wait a second.
- I don't know what I'm doing here.
We're welcoming people back to another season.
The network wants us to welcome the viewers back.
- Double ha! - Lou told you to do it.
Say it! The network says that tonight's show is too short.
The network says every show has to be one hour long.
Not 59 minutes, not 61 minutes.
Sixty minutes long.
And we're a minute short.
- Now the whole world knows.
- Do you know why we're short? - Karen, get my agent.
- You talk too fast! - If you slow down once in a while.
- You're talking when I'm talking.
That's it! The producers can welcome the viewers back themselves.
Cut! How was that? Sorry, Cybill.
Sorry, Bruce.
- Too short.
- Too short! And you know why? - Don't blame this on me.
- Because you talk too fast.
- You're talking when I'm talking.
- Start the show.
- Start the show.
- Start the show.
Welcome back.
MOONLIGHTING Evening, Mr.
Navarone.
Got your money.
Got all of it.
Seven thirty-seven.
Seven thirty-eight.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
You said 7:32.
Hey, hold on a second.
Hold on a second! Five minutes.
You're gonna burn a deal over five minutes? Come on! Five minutes? You're gonna blow a hundred grand over five minutes? I'm a big believer in punctuality.
This is serious business you want to get into.
Wanna be in a serious business? You have to act serious.
Next time, on time.
Come here.
Check out your merchandise.
- Wow.
- Yeah, wow.
Okay, kid, get your booty off my trunk.
This time I ain't stopping.
- Mr.
Navarone? - Yeah.
- Just one more thing.
- Yeah.
You're under arrest, jackass.
PARKING LOT SHED POUNDS - MAKE MONEY "THIN AND RICH" DEMONSTRATION Ladies and gentlemen.
Prepare yourself for an evening that's destined to change your life.
It's The Thin and Rich Story.
As told by the only guy who knows all the good parts.
Mr.
Rich and Thin himself.
Richard Addison.
Oh, my goodness, what a crowd.
Thank you.
"Wanna tell you a story about a guy with a roll" "Said gotta find some glory, Gotta make some dough" "Gotta find some glory Gotta make some dough" "So he think and he think And he thunk and he thunk" "And after he was done He invented this junk" "This goo, this gop This weird-looking swill" "It's called Rich and Thin And here's what it will do" "It will melt your fat Melt it clear away" "It'll keep you lean Till your dying day" "But that's not all This stuff will do" "Yes it will make you rich It will do that too" "Yes it will make you rich It will do that too" "Now how can we make A promise like this" "That this powdered goo Can make you rich" "You can make this promise Because it's true" "It worked for me It'll work for you" "He used to be fat And he used to be poor" "Now he's thin and he's rich Drives a Porsche 944" I'm sorry you didn't sell any of that stuff, man.
Hey, anything new takes time.
Gum.
Gum took a long time.
People didn't understand that they were supposed to chew this stuff without actually eating it.
Anything new, you got to educate the public.
What did we say, 35? - Forty.
- Forty.
Now how about grass.
You know, lawns.
Here's this stuff.
You plant it, you fertilize it.
You water it.
There are people who take better care of this stuff than their own kids.
So they can do what? Cut it and throw it away.
What are you staring at? Well, it's in the shop.
I mean, a Porsche is a very delicate machine.
- Whatever you say.
- Very delicate, very delicate.
And that's the O'Jays' "For the Love of Money.
" That's also our super song of the day, So be caller number 22 and we're gonna give you $4000, That's 4000 big ones, Just for being the 22nd caller to get through on our boogie line, So ask yourself, what radio station pays cold hard cash to its listeners? Ain't no other, brother, We're KRKD, your radio station, The number, 555-1234, That's 555-1234, Let's go to the phones.
Hello, you're caller number one.
What do you mean you can't break it? Operator, this is an emergency.
I'm sorry, Mr.
President, she just doesn't believe me.
Perhaps you or Mr.
Iacocca would like to speak to her yourselves.
Operator, I'm telling you, you're putting me in a hell of a spot here.
Are you calling me a liar? Yeah? Well, reach out and touch this, mama.
- Anyone waiting to see us? - See us what? - Any calls? - Calls? Any appointments? John Gavin was made ambassador to Mexico again.
- I'll be in with Mr.
Addison.
- Certainly.
Mrs.
Middleman, I don't care if I have to look under every woman in L.
A.
I am going to find your husband.
No, no, no.
I wouldn't do the job if I didn't love it, Mrs.
Middleman.
You too.
Bye-bye.
- Something I can do for you? - What was that? - Phone.
Still is.
- Addison, did we get a case? - A case? A case? - A case.
A customer.
A customer? - A customer.
That woman on the phone.
Does she want to hire us? Was that a case? - Kind of.
Yeah, kind of.
- Kind of? - Maybe.
- What do you mean, kind of, maybe? - What was that? - That? That was an inquiry.
- An inquiry? - An inquiry.
- An inquiry.
- Hey, come on.
An inquiry.
An inquiry's not bad.
An inquiry is kind of like case foreplay.
You gotta have an inquiry before somebody gives you a case.
- Case foreplay? - Don't you get it? This is great.
People are beginning to hear about us.
Take us seriously.
There was no one on the phone, was there? Mrs.
Middleman? Lives in Pacoima.
Mister said he was going to the mall, he was going out with a moll.
She's gonna shop around, call other agencies, check prices.
There was no one on the phone, David.
- All right.
No one was on the phone.
- Terrific.
Okay, everybody knows you're feeling a little bit-- Depressed? Depressed is what I was before I started feeling really bad and became what I am now.
Do you know what I just did? I just called a radio station.
They were giving away money and I thought if I could only win some.
Maddie, you're losing your grip.
And I haven't had a chance to sample it yet.
Maddie, I know you're feeling disillusioned.
- That is no reason to act so-- - Impoverished.
Terrified! And I'm not acting, David.
We've been at this for months.
And it's not getting any better.
This business is a giant pit I'm throwing my money into.
Not forever.
It will turn around.
Don't throw in the towel.
Towel? Pretty soon there aren't going to be any more towels.
No towels.
No bathroom.
No anything.
It's gonna be pretty tough on the old personal hygiene.
The Internal Revenue Service wants me to sell my house.
- Your house? - My house.
Between what I owe in payroll taxes and personal taxes that house is the only thing I have left.
- Your house? - I worked for 11 years for that house.
If the government tries to sell it-- Oh, Scarlett, Tara ain't on the block yet.
How much do you need? - Thirty-five thousand.
- Dollars? Yes.
Where on earth am I gonna get that kind of money? - I don't know.
But we will.
We will.
- We will? - How? - We'll make it.
- Where? On a Xerox? - How many times do I tell you.
We're sitting on a money machine.
We just gotta figure out how to turn it on.
You are a preposterous human being.
Do you know that? - A preposterous human being.
- Why? Because I believe - in thinking positively? - Thinking positively? David, we're standing on the decks of the Titanic and you're suggesting songs to the band.
This business doesn't work.
No one calls.
No one comes in.
It's breaking your heart.
And it's bankrupting me.
Why are we putting ourselves through this? - Why? - Because we are on the verge.
- The verge.
- On the verge of what? - The verge of happening.
Any minute.
- Why ask? He'll just tell me-- - I know you're depressed.
It's normal.
- Why am I living this life? - I never did anything to deserve this.
- This mild recession has you nervous.
So being good doesn't matter.
Don't you think this happens to every company? It does.
I read about a small outfit.
Nothing was working.
Nobody in his door.
The milk going bad in the cooler.
One day, Mr.
Eleven says to Mr.
Seven: "Why don't we open earlier and close a little later?" Lightning bulb goes off in Sev's head.
They switch billing, rest is history.
- Addison! - Maddie, we are in the same place.
All right.
Things are not running as smoothly as they could but they will.
We work out the kinks I'm telling you, any day now, any hour, any minute, this phone is gonna ring.
- How did you do that? - Wait, I'll do it again.
Yes? For Mr.
Addison.
It's his brother? - My brother? - You have a brother? Oh, brother.
Davie and Richie.
I never even knew you had a brother.
I never thought of him as a brother.
I thought of him as Mom and Dad's science project.
How long since you've seen him? - This is the 80s.
- Sounds like he's doing well.
Staying at the Bel-Air Hotel, dinner at Adriano's.
- You're shook, aren't you? - What? David Addison, you're shook.
You're shook because you think your brother's doing better than you.
That's why you wanted me to come tonight, isn't it? - What are you talking about? - What does he do? - He annoys me.
- No.
I mean, for a living.
I don't know.
Look, we're brothers, but we have nothing in common.
- I mean, we're not alike at all.
- Really? Yeah.
He's got an angle on everything.
- That is different.
- Never worked an honest day.
- Could be he was adopted.
- Always asking relatives for money.
Money for some new idea.
Gonna make everybody a million bucks.
Crazy stuff.
Square hula hoops.
Stringless yo-yos.
One time, he wanted money to put tequila in those little packets that ketchup and mustard come in for people that can't find a shot glass.
- Strange boy.
- You're right.
Doesn't sound like you at all.
- There he is.
- You're hurting my arm.
Do I look okay? Everything tucked and zipped? When you shake his hand do me a favor.
- Bend over a bit, all right? - What? It will impress the hell out of him.
Better than a gold card.
- Wally.
- Beav.
Oh, my goodness.
- Hello.
- Hello? That's exactly what I was thinking.
Talk about two people in sync.
He really is your brother.
Maddie Hayes, my brother Richie.
Richie, this is Maddie Hayes.
This is a treat.
Here you are, Miss Hayes.
A nice view of me.
- Dave.
- Rich.
- So you two are really brothers.
- Yeah.
- Gosh.
- She's a hell of an order, Dave.
Don't let her get away.
- So how are you, Rich? - Oh, I'm doing great, Dave.
Just great.
- What brings you to L.
A.
, Rich? - 747.
First-class.
Okay.
I'll bite.
New suit, fancy restaurant-- Thank you.
First-class airfare.
What gives? Been stealing money from dad's cigar box again? - I had a good year.
- What does that mean? You want numbers? Is that what you want, Dave? Numbers are so tacky.
Visit your brother, you got to have a W-2 form.
No, I don't wanna know how much.
I wanna know how.
- Maybe we should order.
- Good idea.
No, so tell me.
I'm curious.
- How did you do it? - Come on, fess up.
You're not curious.
- You're envious.
- Envious? I'm speechless.
For you to be a success, there would be no law of nature.
- Addison.
- You're saying I'm dumb? - Addison! - No, I'm not saying you're dumb.
I'm saying it would be cruel.
- Let's get down to it.
- Down to what? Down to it, Dave.
I think money is a good way of keeping score.
How much you got? American currency only or do Krugerrands count? Bupkiss, huh? What do you drive? About 130 yards.
Depending on whether or not I use a 9-iron.
- A company car, right? - Mr.
Addison, a call for you.
Thank you.
Just like old times, huh, bro? I hate him.
- Richard Addison.
- Your green Rambler, - Excuse me? - Richard you have something that belongs to me, Who is this? You think going to California was gonna make a difference? Did you think I wouldn't come after you and get it back? Richard, you have something that belongs-- Richard? My broker.
I told him to sell.
Do you like this place? I don't think I like this place.
Trash this.
Wanna go dancing? Let's all go dancing.
Waiter, take this man back to the kitchen.
He's not completely cooked.
Come on, let's get out of here.
What do you say? Come on.
My word of honor, I've never met this man before.
We can have some fun.
This will be great.
- Do you know where you're going? - I'm following him.
You talk as though he were a visitor from another planet.
- I like him.
- Good.
- She's remarkable.
- Yep.
- You two? - Strictly business.
- Really? - Truly.
- So you wouldn't get upset? - Upset? Get out of here.
- There's just one little thing.
- What's that? I need $37,000.
- What do you mean? - I mean a loan.
You can't say anything to her about it, capeesh? Capeesh.
First thing in the morning? I'm gonna split.
- Say good night for me, will you? - Oh, you got my solemn word.
- Good morning.
- Morning.
- Hello, stranger.
- Stranger who? Stranger me? They don't get any stranger.
You disappeared last night.
Well, you were having such a good time I didn't think you'd notice.
I noticed.
After a while.
I had a nice time, a nice night.
- He's a terrific guy.
- Richie? Oh, he's great.
You just don't wanna be around for skin-shedding season.
He had nothing but nice things to say about you.
Well, I have nothing but nice things to say about me either.
- I did it again.
- Would you do it once with me? I stopped in here because I thought-- I know how you feel about your brother and clearly we got along last night.
Yeah.
So? You're invulnerable, aren't you? If you're asking how I feel about you and Richie-- I'm not asking anything.
I don't know what I was thinking about.
Well, I'm not going to hang around here today.
Hey, blondie-blond.
A little something I found under the sofa.
- Addison, this is full of money.
- And people say you're no detective.
- Look at this, there's got to be-- - Thirty-seven thousand dollars.
I kept thinking about our little chit-chat yesterday, so I came in early.
Went through the files and found this old account.
Maybe your accountants didn't know about it.
Anyway-- Oh, David.
Hey, I'm not totally invulnerable, you know.
- Thank you.
- Don't thank me, thank the bank.
Yeah.
Right.
Well, whoever.
Yeah, whoever.
Have fun.
Mr.
Addison.
- I'm confused.
- Found that out, huh? Darn.
We tried to keep it from you as long as we could.
But, hey, you were bound to put two and two together and come up with a fraction sooner or later.
Miss Hayes told me you found a bank account with money in it that no one knew about.
Yeah, so? Well, I've made all of the deposits and kept all the books.
I've been here as long as you have.
There's only one bank account.
- Fine, Ms.
DiPesto.
- I don't understand.
If you're saying there's only one bank account, and I know-- You're right.
You were confused.
There were two bank accounts, two.
One you knew about and one you didn't, all right? - But-- - Nope.
No but's and no maybe's.
It's none of your damn business.
And I would appreciate if you just shut the hell up about it and crawl back into your cage, okay? Okay.
- Hello.
- Mr.
Addison? Yes.
- Mr.
Addison-- - We're in the toilet.
Call me Dave.
You have something that belongs to me.
Not in here, I don't.
- This is no time for games, Addison.
- Right, we should be in study hall boning up for that math test.
Now just step aside and let me out of here.
All right, fine, fine.
You want to play that way, that's just fine with me.
But I got time on my side, pal.
At some point, Mother Nature is gonna make it so you're gonna want to be on this side of the door.
And then when that happens, let's see how tough you are.
- I don't think you understand, Richard.
- My name isn't Richard.
My name is Navarone.
And that $100,000 that you found and have been spending from Philadelphia to California is mine.
And I want it back.
Do you understand that? Tell me you understand.
- I understand.
- You get busy and you round up that money.
Because the next time, we ain't gonna have time for drinks.
All right.
Mr.
Addison, what happened to you? Were you in a fight? Damn right.
Some guy forgot to lift up the lid.
I hate that.
When Maddie left, did she say where she was going? - I'm not speaking to you.
- Yes, you are, I just heard you.
- All right, Agnes-- - No cute apologies.
I don't want a cute apology.
You were mean to me.
For no good reason other than you were in a bad mood and that stinks! Lots of times I'm in a bad mood.
Lots of times.
But I'm not mean to you.
You think because you make more money than I do that you can be mean to me? - No.
I don't-- - That's all! - I don't want to talk about it anymore.
- Agnes I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
Really.
She's at her house.
And you're forgiven.
But watch it, I know where you live.
What was the name of the family pooch on the hit TV series, The Waltons? A, was it Wilbur? B, Rex? C, Manfred? D, Reckless? Or E, Mr.
Peabody? - Take your time.
- Richard.
Hint, we're looking for the character's name here not the actor's.
Richard, I have a terrible confession to make.
Maddie, you've only known me 18 hours.
You're tired of me already? That would be a female land-speed record.
I'm not tired of you, Richard, I like you.
It's just-- - David? - David.
David.
- Who is it? - Dave.
- David? - David.
David who? You're a dead man! Beg to differ with you, bro.
Richard, why are you fighting? Richard! David! - You give.
You give! - You give.
Richard! David! Oh, no! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it! - Shut up! - Shut up! Okay, dear brother, Mr.
Success-- Now we're gonna see how terrific you really are.
I'm gonna make you eat dirt.
I'm gonna make you eat worms! Maddie, run outside and get me some dirt, get me some worms! Stop it, the two of you! - What is this all about? - You got me.
Some kind of madness.
Obviously, isn't hereditary.
Where'd you get the money? What money? The money you're wearing and throwing around.
Where did you get it? - Where do you think? - I don't know, Rich.
A guy I never met before just tried to give me a home perm in the bathroom.
He thought I had $100,000 that belonged to him.
He also thought my name was Richard, Richard Addison.
- He followed me from Philly.
- Who? I don't know who.
The guy who owns the money, I guess.
About three weeks ago, I'm working.
I got a demonstration set up at this hotel.
It's what, maybe 10:30 at night.
I'm tired, I wanna go home, I go to my car and it won't start.
So I get out.
I go around the front, open up the hood and there's this suitcase filled with money.
I mean it's just there.
What do you do? I don't know what to do.
So I took it home and I counted it.
Then I rolled in it and put it in these little stacks and, you know, on the floor and just stared at it.
I didn't even try to go to sleep.
I spread it all over the kitchen floor and I sat down and I watched it.
And I waited.
Nothing happened.
The dream didn't come to an end.
The feds didn't come storming into the living room.
I mean, I had a hundred thousand individual dollars of my very own.
I don't even know how I got it or why.
It was weird.
It was like The Twilight Zone.
Except it wasn't in black and white.
The only thing left to do is to spend some of it, right? It took me a couple of days to work into it, but I finally did it.
I bought a garage-door opener.
I mean, it seemed like such a rich person thing to buy.
And besides, someday I might have my own house.
Richard.
All my life, I've been trying to impress this guy.
- What? - Oh, sure he'll tell you.
The folks always liked me better.
And now I came first.
I was pretty good at the dinner table.
Davy.
Davy always had - jazz.
- What are you talking about? I mean, everybody always wanted to be on Davy's team.
Walk on the same side of the street he did.
Go to the same movies he did.
Buy the same records do the same dance steps.
So I found $100,000.
Did what any jealous brother would do.
I got on a plane and came out here to make you feel bad.
Make me feel good.
What a couple of nincompoops.
A day after I bought the opener, I get a call at my apartment.
A man, says the money belongs to him.
He traced me through my license plate.
He says that if I don't give it back it was pretty gruesome.
And that's why I came out to see you.
I figured, you being a detective.
- We're gonna have to call the police.
- She's right, Richie.
- But we can't.
- Why not? The money isn't exactly clean.
It's not like the guy's lawyer was contacting me.
- So? - So I spent some of it.
The police are gonna think I'm an accessory.
Not necessarily.
All right, so you spent some of the money.
You repay that part and the police will understand.
Oh, I don't know, Dave.
I mean, I spent a lot.
Trust me, how bad can it be? How much you got left? - About $1100.
- $1100? Out of $100,000, you only got $1100 left? What do you want? I mean, a dollar only goes so far in today's world.
He's your brother all right.
I suppose we could return most of that stuff.
- Then there's always the other money.
- What other--? What's going on? Not a word, not a syllable, not yet.
What do you mean not a word, not a syllable? Not a word, not a syllable.
Great.
This is like being in a foreign country.
- So, what's the plan? - The plan? The plan is to get back as much moolah for this stuff as possible.
- Where did you get all this junk? - Oh, where else, the mall.
- The mall? - The mall.
The mall has it all.
Four hundred and forty-nine dollars and seventy-one, two, three cents.
Might I inquire, was there something about the crossbow you didn't like? Absolutely not, nothing of the kind.
My aunt already has one.
- How'd you do? - Pretty good.
How much we got? A little over 33,000 so far.
Where is Richard? In that department store, trying to return some men's wear.
Wow.
Wow what? The guy comes all the way out here to impress me.
So, what do you think? I'm impressed.
But I swear, the day I wore the bathing suit I wore underwear.
You know how they say virgin wool? How do they know? Oh, look at this.
Oh, look at this.
- Oh, look at this.
- Very nice, very you.
Let me ask you something, Mr.
Addison.
What do I look like? - I don't know, a 42 long? - Do I look stupid? - That's a rhetorical question, right? - I tell you get my money.
Looks to me like you wanna spend my money.
David? What are you doing in there? - Hello.
- Good afternoon.
My goodness, Mr.
Addison.
She looks like a very expensive hobby.
Now, what say we step through these coats and have a private meeting in one of these dressing rooms back here? But those are men's dressing rooms.
If it's all right, I'll just stay here.
Of course, you've seen one guy in socks, you've seen them all.
Right.
So if you'll both step this way.
Step back, Maddie! - Richard! - Run! - I gotta run.
- I heard her.
- Richard! - David! - Richard! - David! - You're not Richard! - You're not David! - David! - Richard! You! - Him? - Me? - What's going on? - That's your benefactor.
- Have we lost him? - Don't believe that for a minute.
A second.
Yes, I am excited to see you.
And yes, that is a pistol in my pocket.
I want my money.
How much of it do you have? - Thirty-three thousand.
- Thirty-three thousand? Plus the 35,000 you two gave me.
- Maddie? - "Not a word, not a syllable.
" No, no, not here.
What say the four of us go to the movies where it's nice and dark.
- What's playing? - The Guns of Navarone, You didn't know he was gonna say that? - Not too crowded at the old mall today.
- Yeah, not much happening.
The place could use a little pick-me-up, don't you think? Shut up and keep walking! What are you doing? Attention, shoppers! - You gotta feel good.
- Giving so much.
- To so many.
- Who you don't know.
They could care less about it.
You're here! Of course I'm here.
7:30 in the morning, no place I'd rather be.
I'm surprised.
Usually when they say a plane takes off at 6:45.
They knew my brother was on the flight.
- So? - So what? So how'd it go? You and your brother in the car? - Just the two of you? - It went fine.
I asked him to sleep with me.
He said no.
- It went fine.
- You dropped him at the terminal - or did you park and walk him in? - Parked.
You wait while he checked his luggage or did you walk him to the gate? - Gate.
- You leave when he got on the plane or wait to see it take off safely? Took off safely.
You love him.
Will you just leave me alone, please.
Hey blondie-blond.
It turns out there was a reward for the safe return of Mr.
Navarone.
Seventy-five hundred dollars.
That should stonewall the IRS for about six months.
I don't know whether to believe you or not.
Which part? Me waiting for Richie's plane or that being the reward money? - Either.
- Both are true.
That really is the reward money.
And I really do love that guy.
How about you? - How about me what? - Never mind.
I would've dropped him at the terminal.
Cross your heart? This isn't bad.
You always this much fun this early in the morning? You're gonna die wondering.