Moonlighting s02e02 Episode Script

The Lady in the Iron Mask

MOONLIGHTING - Sorry you're seeing this, Miss Hayes.
- What is going on? - It's been brewing for a while.
- What has? Stop this.
What is going on? Miss DiPesto, I'll be - In Mr.
Addison's office.
- in Mr.
Addison's office.
Do you realize what a morale problem we have on our hands? You're kidding.
I thought the big fight would take care of that.
- I don't believe this.
- You gotta.
I got 10 bucks on Lewis.
Great right hand, tremendous body punch-- I'm not here.
This is a dream.
Great googly moogly.
Nobody told you about the big event? Okay, hold everything.
This isn't exactly kosher.
I mean, the fight already started, but I'm gonna let you get a bet down, kid.
- Not a sports fan? - Addison, there are people physically assaulting each other in our office.
Doesn't that say anything? It does to me.
- Sounds like? - This is serious.
If the root of this problem is boredom lack of self-esteem, no sense of accomplishment feelings of worthlessness.
Oh, my God.
I had no idea.
- Have you considered therapy? - I'm not talking about me.
- I'm talking about them.
- They have nothing to do all day but sit and stare at the clock.
They have a desk.
We give them a title.
We give them a paycheck, but they don't do anything to earn it.
You think it's easy doing nothing all day? Withdraw the question.
Part of me thinks we'd be doing these people a favor by firing them.
Show me which part, so I can cut it out.
What's the point of having them here if there's no work to do? - But there will be.
- When? Right.
No interruptions.
We're discussing a morale crisis.
I'll be in reception making sure none of the inmates have sharp objects.
There's a woman here to see you and Miss Hayes.
She might be a client.
A client? If she tries to leave, shoot her.
Good morning.
My name is Barbara Wylie.
- I'm Madelyn Hayes.
- Yes.
I recognize you.
- This is my associate, David Addison.
- Miss Wylie.
- Why don't you take a seat.
- Oh, thank you.
I don't know how to do this.
I've never done this sort of thing before.
Hire a detective agency.
Well, there's nothing to it.
You're wondering about the way I look.
You want to know about the veil.
- No.
- Yes.
- Unless it's germane to the case.
- It is the case.
About 12 years ago a boy consumed with jealousy over the knowledge that I was to marry someone else threw acid in my face.
- Oh, my God.
- My skin my throat both were burned beyond repair.
The man who assaulted me went to prison.
My fiancé-- There was so much hurt and shock in the air.
-- Did what he believed was the right thing.
It wasn't what you'd call a festive wedding.
It hasn't been what you would call a festive marriage.
I want you to find the man who attacked me.
His name is Frank Harbert.
He was recently paroled.
I want you to locate him for me.
Miss Wylie, we sympathize with all you've been through.
- But the man went to prison.
Revenge-- - I don't want revenge.
I want him.
If he still loves me I'll get a divorce.
I've always loved him.
- But what he did-- - I'll pay you $5000 to find him for me.
Please, and be discreet.
My husband is with me.
In case he needs proof.
I'll be waiting to hear from you.
Miss DiPesto, give me the address of the parole board.
- Right away.
- Cancel that.
You know where he is and you don't wanna waste a phone call? - We're not taking this case.
- What? I'm not solving this company's problems by putting that woman back in touch with the man who ruined her life and marriage.
- That's not the way I heard her tell it.
- Just the way she described it.
I can't-- - I can't have anything to do with this.
- I love this kind of lively debate.
This is the lifeblood of a vibrant young company.
This is exciting, inspiring.
- This is-- - Cow patties.
Cow patties? Cute.
Sit down.
Are we here to judge the motives of our clients? No.
Ours is not to reason why.
Do lawyers not defend people who are guilty? Do doctors not treat patients who will die? Do teachers not teach - students who are dumb as stumps? - We're not taking this case! - You're not hearing me.
- I'm sick of hearing you.
- I feel an obligation.
- That's breakfast.
Where's humanity? Hocked it for rent.
I'm going to the parole board.
- You're not going.
- My conscience calls.
- Addison.
- Do we really have to wash the linen in front of the--? Miss DiPesto, where is everybody? - Lunch.
- Lunch? It's not even 10:15.
Okay, then brunch? - I should have fired them.
- I got a better idea.
Why not put this company to work and find out about Frank Harbert? - Addison.
- Look, all we gotta do is find him.
We just find him.
After you meet him, you don't wanna turn his address to Barbara Wylie - we turn down the fee.
- No arguments? Lady, you're the boss.
I work for you.
You pick the tune, I do the dance.
No income, fine with me.
You wanna sleep on benches with newspapers for blankets, I'll give you all the magazine sections.
- Yeah, right.
- Hey, we're a team.
I mean that.
Maddie that first clump of dirt on my coffin, I want it to be thrown by you.
You're doing some pretty mean throwing yourself.
Come on, let's go.
Call Barbara Wylie and tell her we're on the case.
Baby, you're the greatest.
See any bleached bones out there? How about this: I do the punch line, you tell me the joke, okay? All right? Okay.
So the salesman wakes up big smile on his face, goes downstairs has breakfast and confesses the whole thing.
And a farmer turns to him and says: "But I don't have a daughter.
" - What's the why? - The why? What's the why? What why? Why is Barbara Wylie desperate to get in touch with a man - who gave her so much pain? - You heard her.
It's love.
I know that.
I've had a Frank Harbert or two in my life.
My first week of college there was this guy.
He was an upperclassman.
- Heartbeat city? - Yeah, for him anyway.
We only went out a couple of times.
I don't know, he was okay.
Just okay.
- So I said-- - Let's be friends.
You didn't say that, did you? That's the worst.
That's female for, "No kissy, touchy, or horizont-y.
" Tell me you didn't say that.
- I didn't say that.
- Liar.
- No horizont-y? - So, what happened? He started leaving notes in my mailbox.
- Songs, poems-- - No flowers? A single perfect red rose-- - Cheap.
- Every day.
- No imagination.
- Too much imagination.
He was racked with love, pining away.
It's scary being the object of so much desire.
He didn't even know me, but he swore he loved me.
One night when I was out he snuck into my room.
I don't know what he was doing there.
One of the security people found him.
He didn't take anything.
But I was so ashamed for him.
Now the whole world knew.
But at the same time, I was furious with him.
I'd been very honest.
I told him how it was.
But he took away my "no.
" The man who took away Barbara Wylie's face took away her "no" too.
If you don't wanna do this, we really don't have to-- You kidding? I love driving through Mars.
Besides, there's no one I'd rather see die of thirst than you.
I'm so touched.
You sure this is the place? This is the parole board's last known address.
Maybe he found God in prison.
So that's where the old boy has been hiding.
He's not gonna get into any trouble around here.
Now, that's where you're wrong.
My tummy tells me this is a pretty radical party town.
- We're looking for Mr.
Frank Harbert.
And the original structure composed of thousands of handmade adobe bricks took two years to complete.
The cross you see behind you on the wall measures 8 feet.
Legend has it that the cross is constructed of wood taken from the flagship of the Spanish conquistador, Cortés.
Cortés defeated the Aztecs and brought Catholicism to the New World over three centuries ago.
In 1906, a terrible earthquake destroyed the entire mission.
It is being restored as I speak to you and any donations for that restoration will be greatly appreciated.
Please feel free to roam the grounds and feel free to ask me any questions that may occur.
Two bucks for that? You Frank Harbert? You said feel free to ask any questions.
Who's asking? - She's not dead or anything is she? - How much would that matter to you? I took this.
- I bought that ribbon for her hair.
- She was very pretty.
Yeah, she was.
Anyway, I'm glad she's not dead.
- She wants to see you again.
- What? - She's married, wrong? - She said she'd be willing to undo that.
- What is this, some kind of joke? - I find it difficult to believe myself but Barbara Wylie walked in our office this morning and hired us to find you.
She says she's always loved you.
Did she tell you what I did to her? I heard she was getting married.
So I I found out where her bridal shower was.
And I waited outside.
I waited in the bushes.
And she came out, and I-- I walked up to her and I said, "I'll love you forever.
" And I-- I looked at her face her eyes her mouth.
And I thought: "No, don't do this.
" But I did it anyway.
Not a day goes by I don't see her face.
Not a night goes by I don't hear her screaming.
She really--? She really said she'd marry me? Yeah, well do her a favor.
You never found me.
Sounds like love to me.
- So? - So? What's the verdict, Judge Wapner? Do we tell her and cash the check? Or say he's nowhere to be found and sleep sounder but poorer? I don't know.
They're both in such pain.
She's so unhappy and he's racked with guilt.
Nothing to do with us.
They were not happy and racked before they met us.
On one hand, I think we should bring them together.
- Now you're cooking.
- On the other what if something terrible happens? What if he turns into an animal? You're talking about half the couples in America.
- I don't know.
I'm torn.
- Truth is, if we tell her we couldn't find him, she'll get somebody else to do it.
- That's true, isn't it? - Yep.
- Why isn't this more fun? - What do you mean? Our first legitimate case and we solve it.
"Find this guy.
" We find the guy.
I still feel so empty inside.
Cashing that $5000 check will help fill you up.
That's what it's all about, isn't it? Welcome to the real world, Maddie Hayes.
First phone you see, pull off the road.
I'll call Barbara Wylie and give her the good news.
Good call, partner.
Good call.
And so the farmer says, "But I ain't got no daughter.
" What's the matter, you're offended? That's a funny joke.
A lot of people I respect, admire think that's a funny joke.
Leaders in the community - professional people.
- A fireman is not a professional.
Next time your Christmas tree lights get overexcited we'll see if you feel the same way.
- A penny for your thoughts? - Only a penny? - We solved our first case.
We're liquid.
- Yeah, but we're on a budget.
So, what's going through that blond brain of yours? Magazine cover.
Once again, for those of us who are new to this country? If you shoot enough magazine covers, you start to look at life that way.
That's all.
Life is like a magazine cover.
Yeah, what magazine? - It doesn't have a name, the magazine.
- LIFE? - David.
- Look? - Please.
- Oui? W-E.
It's like Us, one of those pronoun magazines.
It doesn't have to have a name.
All it has to have is a headline and a picture.
"Madelyn Hayes.
More than a pretty face, solves case has a nice dinner.
" Yeah.
I heard of that magazine.
Can't get a copy.
Sold out.
I had a nice dinner too.
You're unusually giddy tonight.
The night, the stars - the wine.
- We didn't have any wine.
- The Tab.
- Look, I know I'm not good at apologies and thank-yous, but thank you for making me take this case.
I'm sorry I put up such a fuss.
I know sometimes it seems like I say no more than I say yes.
Professionally, I mean.
What I'm trying to say, is I appreciate what you bring to the agency and I'm really glad you're my part-- - David? - Maddie, come here.
David, what could be so--? - What is it? Is it the news? - Look at this.
Harbert, paroled just six months ago - was found dead by a parishioner - What's happening? What are they saying? Is he dead? What--? She lied to us.
She said she loved him.
And all she wanted to do was murder him.
- She lied to us so she could find him.
- Let's get back-- All she wanted to do was kill him.
She lied to us.
- Yes? - Morning.
I'm David Addison.
Madelyn Hayes.
We're looking for Barbara Wylie.
- May I ask why? - May I ask who's asking? Her husband.
And I don't know you, which means my wife doesn't know you.
What the hell is going on? I told you, we have business with your wife.
I don't understand.
My wife is very ill.
She doesn't have business with anyone.
It doesn't look like she's here.
Benjamin, what do they want? Frank Harbert is dead.
- I saw the news.
- Is that all? I won't pretend it's the unhappiest news I've ever heard.
Is that all you're not pretending? You double-crossed us, lady, you killed him.
Who are these people? What is this about? We're detectives.
Hired by your wife to find Frank Harbert.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I don't know what they're talking about.
You came to our office and begged us to find him.
Why would I do that? What possible reason could I have of wanting to see him? You said you loved him and wanted to marry him, and then you killed him.
All right.
Why are you saying these ridiculous things? Why would I want to marry a man who disfigured me? Did someone pay you to say these things? - Who hired you? - You did.
I certainly did not.
You hired us to find him and then you killed him.
Benjamin, make them stop.
Make them stop saying these things.
We're not gonna stop until we have enough to convict you of murder.
Every minute of every hour of every day.
- Whatever you do - Addison.
we'll be there waiting for you to slip up.
- Our first real case and we kill a guy.
- You're so negative.
We're chumps and bunglers.
We led Barbara Wylie right to him.
But we did it great.
Maybe there's a market for that.
"Blue Moon.
We find them, you kill them.
We tag them, you bag them.
We spot them, you drop them.
" - Not funny? - You swing from a vine, Addison.
Sounds like fun.
That poor man would be alive today if you hadn't insisted we take this case.
- You're hanging this on me? - Five thousand dollars, $5000.
Ours is not to reason why.
What a team.
- I'm calling the police.
- What? - I'm calling the police.
- Maddie, think a minute.
Short minute.
You call the police, we're hanging ourselves.
The headlines: "Pretty peeper leads killer to prey.
" Go ahead.
Call the fuzz.
Tell them all.
Confess to the drought in Africa.
Be ready to be laughed out of town, your license shredded.
To never work again in this town.
We don't have any proof that Barbara Wylie actually did this.
I must have done something horrible in a past life.
- What do you suggest we do? - Nail Barbara Wylie.
That's easy.
We've certainly thrown the fear of God into her, haven't we? We haven't.
That's why we're gonna nab her.
- Why is that? - Because she's sure she's got the two stooges licked.
She's gonna let up, make a mistake.
- We gotta rattle her cage.
- What will that get us? - Second chance.
- What will that get us? Evidence, Maddie.
The kind that stands up in court.
The kind that sits down in jail.
The kind that crosses its legs in a bar.
- You with me or not? - Crosses its legs in a bar? Got a million of them.
A moose goes in a dentist's office and says, "Doctor" DR.
CARON DISCOVERS ANTIDOTE FOR STRESS - How long do we have to sit here? - Until we spot her.
You don't wanna do the paper-in-the-lobby thing - you've no business in this business.
- I didn't say that.
Although it seems to me your choice of paper-- You don't know what you're talking about.
You can't see around that thing.
At least I'm not ashamed.
Aren't you embarrassed? - About what? - That.
That scandal sheet.
I love the scandal sheet.
"Is Jamie Lee Curtis a real girl or a Russian experiment created in a laboratory to incite the American males?" - I wanna know.
- Someone will hear.
"Have extraterrestrials left a secret message for earthlings under Sylvester Stallone's pectoral?" I wanna know.
"Is Jane Pauley having David Hartman's baby?" - Is she? - Cab for Mrs.
Come on.
- What do we do now? - We get a cab of our own.
Thanks for the use of the hall, chief.
There's an extra 50 for you if you keep that cab in sight.
You mind telling me what you hope to learn from this excursion? Maybe nothing.
Maybe something.
Murder is a messy business, Maddie.
And Whistler's wife here doesn't strike me as an old pro.
I got a hunch that she left some little detail unattended.
And now that she knows we're on to her maybe she'll attend to it.
- While we watch? - Stranger things have happened.
Speaking of strange, you got something on your mind, don't you? I have a terrible confession to make.
I believed Barbara Wylie back there.
Yeah, well, that's why you got me around.
I didn't.
She seemed so sincere.
So honestly confused by everything we said.
Look at this.
We got us a real barracuda here.
Didn't want the cab company to have a record of where she was going.
Talk to me some more about sincerity.
That's quite a chassis she's got under that hood.
She almost got away with it.
Don't turn.
We're gonna wait here a second, all right? That's that.
She's guilty as sin, isn't she? Looks that way.
- Think she'll pay us anyway? - I doubt it.
All right.
We'll see if we can find her car.
- Now what, call the police? - Seems like that's the only thing left.
Finally get a client.
A client walks in the door of her own free will.
A case we can solve.
A fee we can earn.
Why is she coming back out of the hotel? - Where did the wiggle go? - What? Come on, walk with me.
STAIRS What floor was Barbara Wylie's room? Fourth.
Why are you asking? It wasn't even in this wing.
What are you doing? I wanna know what we-- I wanna know what we're doing.
We got nowhere to go, nothing to do.
I figured we watch Barbara Wylie get undressed.
- What? - Don't be a snob.
It's here, it's free.
It's under the stars.
Pretend you're at a concert.
Remember what room number she said she was in? Four-seventeen.
And I think this is sick.
With any luck, you'll be right.
All right, just keep your eyes right up there and holler when you see the lights on.
What is this supposed to prove? The earth is round you can't get pregnant from a toilet seat and for every action, there is an equal and opposite satisfaction.
Just keep your eyes peeled up there.
This is thrilling.
Maybe she went to buy a paper.
Maybe she's not in room 417.
- What makes you say that? - That.
Why would she change rooms? This is it.
No one under 17 admitted without parent or guardian.
She's a man.
I feel so used.
Ninety-nine, 100.
Now, 10 minutes on the speed bag and hit the showers, slugger.
We're terrible detectives, aren't we? - Why do you say that? - Because it's the truth.
- Because we're just awful detectives.
- We're not awful, just a little green.
I don't agree.
We figured everything out, we're just a little late.
That poor woman.
Her husband used us for a couple of patsies.
Congratulating ourselves on following him.
- He wanted us to follow him.
This case! - Give it a break, will you? - I won't.
I didn't even want this case.
- I knew we'd get back to that.
- I didn't wanna keep this agency open.
- And that.
We should be concentrating on what we're gonna do next.
What are we gonna be doing? We have to get into Benjamin's room and get that costume and wig.
How are we gonna do that? Go to the desk? If we get into Barbara's room, get that key-- - And how do you propose to do that? - I propose that we find you a black dress and a black veil.
- I knew it.
- Knew what? Some partnership.
You have stupid ideas and I have to carry them out.
What am I doing? It's 2:00 in the morning and we wasted two days on this stupid thing.
I'd be better off in business by myself.
Oh, really? No, not really.
Just forget I said it.
You were serious.
If I was serious, I wouldn't have said to forget it.
If you weren't serious, you wouldn't have said it at all.
You really don't wanna be partners with me, do you? I need a partner, you're a partner.
If I could pick any partner, would I pick you? - I don't know.
- When I think of the perfect person to complement my complex personality - you're not first to spring to mind.
- Springs to what? - You know what your problem is? - I fear I'm looking at it.
It makes you crazy to think you need me.
- I don't need you.
- You do need me.
I'm your lifeline.
Without me-- Without you I wouldn't be here at 2:00 figuring out how to prove a woman who seems to have killed a man, didn't.
And a man who seems to not have, did.
Without you, I wouldn't be involved in this stupid case.
- Without you-- - What? - Never mind.
- What? - Never mind.
- No, I wanna hear it.
No, you don't.
You think you can do a better job without me? - I didn't say that.
- No, but you were thinking it.
How can you be smart about me and stupid about everything else? All right, fine! I'll make it easy for you.
You clean this case up your way, I'll clean it up my way.
- Good.
- Good.
- Fine.
- Fine.
Okay, fine.
- Mrs.
- Could I have my room key, please? Here you go, Mrs.
Oh, Mrs.
I like your hair a lot better this way.
Hey, a nice caboose, toots.
- Yes? - Room key, please, 223.
There you go.
You want a room key too.
Excuse me? Oh, four.
Oh, I got it, 417.
There you go.
I guess there's no such thing as an original idea.
- What are you doing here? - Me? What are you doing here? And why do you look so much better than me? Haven't you ever seen a man coming out of the closet? - Mrs.
Wylie, we can explain.
- Everything.
- You were framed-- - For the murder of Frank Harbert.
- By your husband.
- By your husband.
Sorry, I lost my place.
She's taking this rather well, don't you think? What are you doing here? One two three.
Now, why does he look so much better than me? Barbara, Barbara, Barbara.
Benjamin, what--? Why are you--? So you could be accused of the murder of Frank Harbert.
- And we'd swear to it.
- What are they talking about? It wasn't supposed to end like this.
The only one that was supposed to get hurt was Harbert.
He deserved to die.
We knew that.
- What are you talking about? - Don't you see? So you were accused of the murder.
What jury would convict a woman who had had her face burnt off? That's what the insanity defense is all about, right? I couldn't do it any longer.
Twelve years of marriage to a woman who wouldn't let me see her.
I couldn't do it.
I can't do it.
Stop that man! Stop that man! Stop that man.
Sorry, sir, are you finished? I'm sorry, sir.
CAUTION WET FLOOR I'm really sorry-- Freeze! Freeze! Freeze! Freeze! Anybody wanna play Twister? Miss DiPesto.
You hollered for me, Mr.
Addison? Agnes take a letter.
- Dear David.
- Dear Maddie.
Last night, I may have said and done some things that I regret.
These are the times that try men's souls.
Are you and Mom having a fight? Are you gonna leave us? I hope not.
Why don't you go in my office and watch television? - What are we gonna do? - About what? First clump of dirt on your coffin.
I wanna be the one to throw it.
I'm sorry for all the things I did, all the things I said.
I never had a man put on a dress for me before.
And you say you've been around.
I'm sorry, partner.
You're forgiven, partner.
I'm glad you're my partner partner.