Moonlighting s03e10 Episode Script

Poltergeist III--- Dipesto Nothing

* SOME WALK BY NIGHT * * SOME FLY BY DAY * * SOMETHING IS SWEETER * * 'CAUSE WE MET ON THE WAY * * 'CAUSE WE MET ON THE WAY ** LOVELY, SO VERY LOVELY.
DEAR ME, I HAVE A RUN IN MY STOCKING.
YES, IT WAS FATHER WHO TAUGHT ME TO DANCE.
* THE BLACK BOTTOM, A NEW RHYTHM * * WHEN YOU SPOT HIM, YOU GO WITH HIM * * DO THAT BLACK, BLACK BOTTOM ALL DAY LONG * THE PARTYWE REALLY SHOULD BE GETTING BACK, YOU KNOW.
SHH! QUIET VERY, VERY QUIET.
IT'S COLD IN HERE.
THE WINDOW WE SHOULD GO BACK DOWNSTAIRS NOW.
THE OTHERS WILL WORRY.
NONO, PLEASE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? LET GO.
YOU'RE HURTING ME.
PLEASE DON'T AAH! EMILY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? GET HER SOME WATER.
EMILY? WHAT HAPPENED? YOU FAINTED.
I'M SORRY.
THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.
AND IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN.
THIS IS THE LAST TIME I'M GOING TO PUT UP WITH THIS NONSENSE.
I FELT SOMETHING A PRESENCE.
I MUST HAVE BEEN VERY CLOSE TO THE OTHER SIDE.
AND THEN THE ODDEST THING HAPPENED.
IT WAS AS IF I WAS FALLING DOWN, DOWN AND THEN EMILY THE ONLY SPIRITS IS THIS HOUSE ARE 86 PROOF, WHICH YOUR SISTER HAS CONSUMED MORE THAN HER SHARE OF FOR ONE EVENING.
YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME.
WHAT I FELT WAS ABSOLUTELY REAL.
IT WAS HERE IN THIS ROOM! I'LL HELP YOU UPSTAIRS.
I'M SORRY THE EVENING'S COME TO SUCH AN ABRUPT END.
THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING.
JAKE.
JAKE.
HMM.
* A NEWRHYTHM * *BLACK, BLACKBOTTOM * HA HA HA.
NO! EMILY? YOU SEE, THE MIND HAS A BUILT-IN DEFENSE MECHANISM, A CIRCUIT BREAKER, IF YOU WILL.
AND WHEN IT PROCESSES INFORMATION THAT IS EXTRAORDINARILY UPSETTING OR TRAUMATIC, IT SHUTS DOWN, CUTTING ITSELF OFF FROM REALITY.
HOW LONG WILL SHE BE LIKE THIS? OH, IT'S DIFFICULT TO SAY.
WEEKSMONTHS, MAYBE.
RECOVERY CAN BE EXTREMELY SLOW.
BUT WITH PROPER MEDICAL MANAGEMENT AND THE KIND OF INTENSIVE THERAPY SHE'LL BE RECEIVING HERE, WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO BRING HER AT LEAST PART OF THE WAY BACK.
DOCTOR, WHAT YOU SAID BEFORE- SHE SAW SOMETHING EXTRAORDINARILY TRAUMATIC.
SHE WAS ALONE IN THAT ROOM.
MARGARET, PLEASE, I'VE REALLY HAD ENOUGH OF THIS GHOST NONSENSE.
MR.
RENBOURN, I'M A DOCTOR, AND I'M EQUALLY SKEPTICAL OF PARANORMAL PHENOMENON, BUT REALITY IS SUBJECTIVE.
AND IN HER MIND, WHATEVER SHE EXPERIENCED WAS VERY THREATENING AND VERY REAL.
BLUE MOON DETECTIVE AGENCY.
IF YOUR SPOUSE IS A LOUSE, OR YOUR KID HAS BEEN NAPPED, YOU'VE MISPLACED YOUR FORTUNE, YOUR PHONE'S BEING TAPPED HERBERT? IS THERE SOMETHING I CAN HELP YOU WITH? ME? NOTHANKS.
YOUR PHONE'S BEING TAPPED, WE'LL SOLVE ANY PROBLEM CAN YOU HOLD, PLEASE? DID YOU LOSE THE KEY TO THE MEN'S ROOM? NO.
NOTHING LIKE THAT.
IT'S NOTHING.
NEVER MIND.
THANK YOU FOR WAITING.
HELLO? HELLO? GOOD-BYE.
YOU'VE MADE ME LOSE A CALL.
I DID? I'M SORRY.
IT'S OK.
I FEEL AWFUL.
IT'S OK.
IT'S NOT OK.
YOU WASTED A PERFECTLY A GOOD POEM YOU KNOW, THAT IS REALLY A GREAT DRESS YOU'RE WEARING.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO TYPE, HERBERT? TYPE? I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
EVERY TIME YOU WANT ME TO TYPE SOMETHING, YOU DO THIS.
DO WHAT? YOU HOVER.
YOU PACE.
YOU COMPLIMENT ME ON MY WARDROBE.
WHY CAN'T YOU JUST WALK OVER HERE, LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, AND SAY, "AGNES, WOULD YOU TYPE SOMETHING FOR ME?" THAT REALLY IS YOUR COLOR.
HERBERT! AGNES, WILL YOU TYPE SOMETHING FOR ME PLEASE? I'D BE HAPPY TO TYPE SOMETHING FOR YOU, HERBERT.
THAT'S MY JOB.
WHERE IS IT? OVER HERE.
THIS IS GREAT, AGNES.
I REALLY APPRECIATE THIS.
HERBERT, I TOLD YOU I DON'T MIND.
HERE YOU GO.
OH, I KNOW IT'S A LOT.
BUT THERE'S NO RUSH.
FIRST THING IN THE MORNING IS FINE.
WHAT IS ALL THIS? THE GUNDERSON CASE.
THE GUNDERSON CASE? YEAH.
MISS HAYES AND MR.
ADDISON WANTED THE COMPANY'S PERSONNEL FILES FOR THE LAST FIVE YEARS.
NOW, THAT'S NOT THE KIND OF THING THAT THEY LET YOU XEROX.
I HAD TO COPY IT ALL BY HAND.
I SEE.
AND MY HANDWRITING IS NOT GREAT.
AND I'D HATE TO HAVE MS.
HAYES OR MR.
ADDISON WADE THROUGH ALL THIS.
HOW THOUGHTFUL.
ANYWAY, THEY WANT ME TO GET STARTED ON THE McPHINNEY CASE.
DO TELL.
YEAH.
LISTEN, AGNES, I OWE YOU ONE.
NEXT TRIP TO THE LADIES' ROOM, THE PHONES ARE ON ME.
HERBERT, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HERE? THREE MONTHS? TWO AND A HALF.
I KNOW.
ISN'T IT GREAT? I THOUGHT I'D HAVE TO BE DOING FIVE YEARS OF GARBAGE WORK BEFORE I'D GET A SHOT AT STUFF LIKE THIS.
I GUESS MS.
HAYES AND MR.
ADDISON JUST RECOGNIZE POTENTIAL WHEN THEY SEE IT.
I GUESS WHAT'S THE MATTER, AGNES? WHAT'S THE MATTER? AGNES? I PUT FIVE YEARS OF HARD WORK AND LOYALTY INTO THIS COMPANY.
IN THOSE FIVE YEARS, I'VE TAKEN ONE SICK DAY.
AND I'VE BEEN LATE THREE TIMES, ONLY ONE OF WHICH WAS MY FAULT.
I'VE TAKEN PAY CUTS DURING HARD TIMES.
AND I'VE NEVER ASKED FOR A RAISE OVER COST OF LIVING.
SO, I'D JUST LIKE TO KNOW- WHY I'M STILL ANSWERING PHONES, AND HERBERT VIOLA HAS BEEN HERE FOR TWO AND A HALF MONTHS, AND HE'S DOING CASEWORK? OH.
OH.
AGNES THERE'S BEEN SOME MISUNDERSTANDING.
MR.
VIOLA ISN'T DOING CASEWORK, I MEAN, WE JUST GAVE HIM A LITTLE SOMETHING TO DO ON THE GUNDERSON CASE.
BUT IT WASN'T CASEWORK, PER SE.
THEN WHAT WAS IT? WELL, UH, WHAT WOULD YOU CALL IT, DAVID? IT WAS, UH FACT-GATHERING.
FACT-GATHERING? INSIGNIFICANT FACT-GATHERING.
WE NEEDED AN EXTRA PAIR OF LEGS.
I GOT LEGS.
I KNOW-WE KNOW YOU HAVE LEGS.
AGNES, I'M SORRY YOU FEEL SLIGHTED.
THE ONLY REASON WE GAVE THE WORK TO MR.
VIOLA WAS THAT HE WAS AVAILABLE.
WE NEED YOU HERE IN THE OFFICE, DOING ALL THOSE THINGS YOU DO SO WELL.
LIKE? EXCUSE ME? LIKE WHAT ARE ALL THESE THINGS I DO SO WELL? WELL, I WOULDN'T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN.
THEY'RE FAR TOO NUMEROUS TO MENTION.
COME IN! EXCUSE ME, AGNES.
MS.
HAYES, MR.
ADDISON, THERE'S A WOMAN OUT HERE TO SEE YOU.
SEND HER IN.
SOUNDS LIKE THIS CONVERSATION IS OVER.
I GUESS I BETTER GET BACK TO DOING ALL THOSE THINGS I DO SO WELL.
WELL I'D SAY WE HANDLED THAT ONE PRETTY WELL, HUH? GOOD AFTERNOON.
GOOD AFTERNOON.
PLEASE COME IN.
I'M MADELYN HAYES.
THIS IS MY ASSOCIATE, DAVID ADDISON.
HOW DO YOU DO? I'M MARGARET RENBOURN.
THANK YOU FOR SEEING ME.
WON'T YOU HAVE A SEAT? OH THIS IS A LOVELY OFFICE.
MRS.
RENBOURN, HOW MAY WE HELP YOU? WELL, IT'S GOING TO SOUND A BIT CRAZY, I'M AFRAID.
DON'T WORRY.
WE'VE HEARD CRAZY BEFORE.
I'D LIKE TO HIRE YOU TO FIND A GHOST FOR ME.
WELL, I GUESS IT IS KIND OF HARD MEETING SOMEBODY IN THE CITY.
WELL, ACTUALLY, "FIND" ISN'T THE RIGHT WORD.
WHAT I REALLY NEED IS PROOF.
SEE, I LIVE IN THIS BIG OLD HOUSE WITH MY HUSBAND AND MY SISTER EMILY, WELL, EMILY LIVED THERE UNTIL RECENTLY.
ANYWAY, A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO WE STARTED TO EXPERIENCE STRANGE OCCURRENCES- NOISES IN THE NIGHT, NOISES THAT CAME FROM ROOMS THAT WE KNEW WERE EMPTY AND OTHER NOISES THAT SEEMED NEARBY BUT JUST CAME OUT OF NOWHERE.
OH, EMILY HEARD IT ALL, TOO.
BUT JAKE, MY HUSBAND, HE GIVES ME A LOT OF SPEECHES ABOUT LOGICAL EXPLANATIONS.
YOU KNOW, LATELY I'VE BEEN FEELING LIKE SOMEONE IS WATCHING ME ALL THE TIME.
I FEEL THIS WEIGHT, THIS HEAVINESS.
EVEN WHEN JAKE IS SITTING RIGHT THERE IN THE SAME ROOM, I NEVER FEEL SAFE ANYMORE.
I LOVE MY HUSBAND, BUT I'M SO TIRED OF FEELING SCARED ALL THE TIME, IF I CAN'T CONVINCE HIM TO LEAVE THIS HOUSE, I DON'T THINK THERE'S MUCH FUTURE FOR US ANYMORE.
MRS.
RENBOURN, I'M SORRY YOU'RE GOING THROUGH ALL THIS, BUT I'M NOT SURE A DETECTIVE AGENCY IS WHAT YOU NEED.
HAVE YOU THOUGHT OF GOING TO SOMEONE WHO SPECIALIZES IN THIS KIND OF THING? A PSYCHIC, A PRIEST, DAN AKROYD? MR.
ADDISON, MY HUSBAND WON'T LISTEN TO SOMEONE WHO TRAFFICS IN THE SUPERNATURAL ANY MORE THAN HE LISTENS TO ME.
WHAT EXACTLY WOULD YOU WANT US TO DO? I NEED DOCUMENTED PROOF THAT THAT HOUSE IS HAUNTED.
WILL YOU EXCUSE US A MINUTE, PLEASE? MS.
HAYES.
LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LIKE THIS.
DAVID, I FEEL SORRY FOR HER.
WE'RE NOT TAKING THIS CASE.
WHAT DID YOU SAY? I SAID, WE'RE NOT TAKING THIS CASE.
YOU CAN'T SAY THAT.
I SAID THAT.
SO? SO THAT MEANS WE AGREE.
WE AGREE? YEAH, IT'S WEIRD, ISN'T? I ALWAYS THOUGHT THERE'D WOULD BE FIREWORKS AND BELLS GOING OFF.
BUT, GOD, IT'S SO NATURAL.
SO EASY.
WANT A CIGARETTE NOW? WILL YOU STOP! WHAT DO WE DO? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO TELL HER? TELL HERE? WHAT DO YOU MEAN "TELL HER"? THIS IS A SERIOUS MOMENT BETWEEN TWO LOVING PEOPLE.
DAVID, I'M SERIOUS.
DO YOU WANT TO GO BACK IN THERE AND TELL THAT WOMAN WE THINK SHE'S CRAZY? NO.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? LIE.
FOR THE LOVE OF MIKE, TWICE IN THE SAME ENCOUNTER! ARE WE MADE FOR EACH OTHER, OR WHAT? AFTER ME.
Mrs.
Renbourn: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LISTENING.
I KNOW THIS ISN'T A TYPICAL CASE.
WELL, I GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO HELP ME WITH MY PROBLEM.
BUT THANK YOU AGAIN.
BELIEVE ME, WE DON'T TURN AWAY BUSINESS EVERY DAY, BUT, AT THIS TIME, WE JUST DON'T HAVE THE MANPOWER.
OUR PLATE IS FULL.
WELL, THANKS FOR LISTENING ANYWAY.
AND THANK YOU FOR THINKING OF BLUE MOON.
WOULD YOU WATCH THE PHONES FOR ME? I JUST REMEMBERED I HAVE TO LEAVE EARLY.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING? NONE OF YOUR BEESWAX.
AGNES.
ARE YOU DOING WHAT I THINK YOU'RE DOING? YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WITH POTENTIAL AROUND HERE, MR.
SMARTY BOOTS.
YOU'RE GONNA TAKE THAT CASE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
HEY, I DIDN'T JUST FALL OFF THE TURNIP TRUCK.
YOU'RE TRYING TO IMPRESS MS.
HAYES AND MR.
ADDISON! YOU'RE COMPETING WITH ME, AREN'T YOU? NO, HERBERT, I'M IGNORING YOU.
AGNES, YOU DON'T JUST GET UP ONE MORNING, HANG OUT A SHINGLE, AND CALL YOURSELF A PRIVATE DICK.
OH, IS THAT SO? WELL, NO! IT TAKES SKILL! A LOGICAL MIND, INSTINCT, A THOROUGH KNOWLEDGE OF SCIENTIFIC METHODS, NOT TO MENTION YEARS OF EXPERIENCE.
AHH! AND WHEN MS.
HAYES ASKS YOU TO HANDLE THE McPHINNEY CASE, I'M SURE YOU REMINDED HER THAT YOU'VE ONLY BEEN HERE TWO AND A HALF MONTHS! LESS TIME THAN IT TAKES TO GROW A DECENT BEARD.
WHY ARE YOU COMPETING WITH ME? WE'RE NOT RUNNING A POTATO SACK RACE HERE.
HERBERT, I'M SURE YOU HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN TO SCURRY AFTER ME SPEWING RUDE VEGETABLE METAPHORS.
AGNES, LISTEN TO ME.
YOU'RE SCARED, AREN'T YOU? OF WHAT? AGNES DIPESTO! THAT SHE MIGHT PULL HERSELF A RUNG OR 2 HIGHER ON THE CORPORATE LADDER, BE A LITTLE FASTER ON THE FAST TRACK.
OUT-SLEUTH YOU! OH, AGNES, WAIT.
LOOK, I DON'T WANT IT TO BE LIKE THIS.
I JUST DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU GET IN OVER YOUR HEAD.
OH, THANKS, HERBERT.
HOPE YOU DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY- BUTT THE HELL OUT OF MY LIFE! BUT THERE IS SOMEONE AT THE DOOR.
YES? GOOD EVENING.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO STARTLE YOU.
BUT I'M HERE TO SEE MRS.
RENBOURN.
WELL, SHE'S NOT IN.
OH, NO.
SHE JUST LEFT OUR OFFICE.
I JUST SAW HER DRIVE UP.
OH, YOU DID? WELL, THEN YOU MUST HAVE ALSO NOTICED THAT YOU'RE ON PRIVATE PROPERTY, WHICH MEANS YOU ARE TRESPASSING.
ABOUT WHICH I'M ABOUT TO CALL THE POLICE IF YOU DON'T LEAVE MY DOORSTEP AT ONCE.
I'M NOT LEAVING UNTIL I SPEAK TO YOUR WIFE! YOUNG LADY, MY WIFE IS NOT INTERESTED IN BUYING OR SUBSCRIBING TO ANYTHING.
PLEASE LEAVE, OR I WILL CALL THE POLICE.
ALL RIGHT.
I'M LEAVING.
BUT JUST TELL HER THAT THE BLUE MOON DETECTIVE AGENCY STOPPED BY.
THE BLUE MOON DETECTIVE AGENCY? MRS.
RENBOURN.
I THOUGHT YOU PEOPLE WEREN'T INTERESTED IN MY CASE.
CASE? WHAT CASE? WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? MISS DIWHATSO? DIPESTO.
IS FROM THE DETECTIVE AGENCY.
I TRIED TO HIRE THEM.
IT'S ABOUT THE HOUSE.
OH, MARGARET! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
THEY'RE NOT INTERESTED.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT? OH, NO.
WE'RE VERY INTERESTED.
THE PROBLEM WAS THAT WE JUST DIDN'T HAVE ANYBODY AVAILABLE.
AND THEN MS.
HAYES THOUGHT IT OVER AND REALIZED THAT YOUR CASE WAS VERY IMPORTANT AND PULLED ME OFF WHAT I WAS DOING.
OH, MY GOODNESS! I HOPE IT WASN'T SOMETHING IMPORTANT.
THE BINKS PEOPLE CAN WAIT.
THIS IS ABSURD.
WE DO NOT NEED A DETECTIVE.
PLEASE, JAKE.
I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH THIS THING.
WHEN IS IT GOING TO END? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL HOME.
THANK YOU.
I USED TO THINK SO, TOO.
I ASSUME MS.
HAYES FILLED YOU IN ON THE CASE.
OH, YES.
WELL IN A GENERAL WAY.
GOOD.
HOW DO YOU PLAN ON DOCUMENTING THE GHOST? THE GHOST? GHOST.
YOU HAVE AN UNDOCUMENTED GHOST? MY SISTER EMILY- I WISH YOU COULD SPEAK TO HER.
SHE'S VERY SENSITIVE ABOUT THESE KINDS OF THINGS.
SHE BELIEVES THAT THE SPIRIT IN THIS HOUSE.
IS NOT AT REST BECAUSE OF SOME REASON.
IN FACT, SHE'S TRIED TO MAKE CONTACT ON SEVERAL OCCASIONS.
WHY DON'T I CALL HER? WE COULD HAVE A CHAT.
I WISH YOU COULD, BUT SHE'S NOT WELL.
SHE'S IN AN ASYLUM.
ASYLUM, HUH? BUMMER.
EMILY ALWAYS BELIEVED THIS WAS THE MOST HAUNTED ROOM IN THE HOUSE.
THIS IS WHERE SHE ALWAYS HELD HER SEANCES.
GREAT.
THIS IS WHERE I WANT TO BE.
SO, HOW DO YOU PROPOSE WE START? WELL, UNDER NORMAL CIRCUMSTANCES, UH THE FIRST PHASE OF AN INVESTIGATION IS FACT-GATHERING.
YOU KNOW, LEGWORK.
RESEARCH.
THE KIND OF STUFF YOU DO AT SAY, UH A LIBRARY.
SO, WHAT I THINK I'LL DO IS GO TO A LIBRARY.
BE IN TOUCH AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
MISS DIPESTO, THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY.
WE HAVE AN EXTENSIVE LIBRARY RIGHT HERE- SHELVES OF VOLUMES ON LOCAL HISTORY.
MY SISTER HAD BEEN DOING RESEARCH ON THE HOUSE.
YOU HAVE EVERYTHING YOU NEED HERE.
OH I MEANGOOD.
WELL I GUESS I'LL JUST GET STARTED FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.
THAT WON'T DO.
I NEED YOU TO START RIGHT NOW.
SEE, I'M NOT SURE HOW MUCH TIME I HAVE BEFORE JAKE THROWS YOU OUT.
RIGHT NOW? YOU MEAN TONIGHT? TESTING, 1, 2, 3.
FIELD OPERATIVE DIPESTO.
IT'S 1900 HOURS.
THIS IS RESEARCH ON THE RENBOURN CASE.
JOURNAL ENTRY ONE- THE LAND ON WHICH THIS HOUSE RESTS WAS ONCE OPEN SAVANNA.
ALL MANNER OF ANIMALS CAME TO DRINK FROM NEARBY SPRINGS, BECOMING TRAPPED IN POOLS OF THICK TAR.
THEIR TORTURED SCREAMS ATTRACTING PREDATORS WHO IN TURN SUFFERED SLOW, AGONIZING DEATHS.
JOURNAL ENTRY TWO "AFTER THE BRUTAL ATTACK, THE CHUMASH WARRIORS "HACKED OFF THE HEADS OF THE FRANCISCAN MONKS, "IMPALING THEM ON LONG POLES "AND PARADING THEM PROUDLY THROUGH THE VILLAGE "FINALLY BURYING THEIR BONES WHERE THIS HOUSE NOW STANDS.
" LOVELY.
JOURNAL ENTRY 17- I THINK I JUST WET MY PANTS.
WHAT KIND OF GHOST ARE YOU? DON'T YOU HAVE ANY MANNERS? CLOSE THE DOORS BEHIND YOU.
OK I THINK I HAVE TO GO NOW.
OHH! OHHHH- THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'LL USE THE BACK DOOR.
PLEASE DON'T HURT ME.
I'VE SEEN ALL YOUR PICTURES.
ALL WHAT PICTURES? BERT.
DON'T SAY ANYTHING.
JUST HOLD ME.
AGNES, LOOSEN UP.
AGNES, YOU'RE HOLDING ON TOO TIGHT.
AGNES, PLEASE.
THANKS.
AAH! SORRY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? LADIES FIRST.
I AM ON A CASE.
YOU ARE A CASE.
HERBERT, I RESENT THAT.
GOOD.
RESENT AWAY.
I RESENT YOU.
I RESENT YOUR BEING HERE.
I RESENT YOUR JEOPARDIZING THE GOOD NAME OF BLUE MOON DETECTIVE AGENCY BY COMING HERE AND REPRESENTING YOURSELF AS A PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR.
SHH! SOMEONE WILL HEAR YOU.
LET THEM HEAR! HASN'T IT OCCURRED TO YOU WHO TAKES IT UP THE KAZOO WHEN YOU DON'T SOLVE THIS CASE? I'M GOING TO SOLVE THIS CASE.
MS.
HAYES, MR.
ADDISON, AND ME! YOU? YOU? MISS HAYES, MR.
ADDISON, AND YOU? WHERE DID THAT "YOU" COME FROM? YOU.
YOU.
WHAT'S THIS GOT TO DO WITH YOU? YOU'RE A VISITOR, YOU'RE AN INTERLOPER.
YOU'REA TEMP! WATCH IT! YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A NAMEPLATE.
YOU DON'T EVEN PARK IN THE GARAGE.
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE DENTAL.
YOUHA! THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU'RE ALIVE.
WHAT'S THAT? OH, MY GOD.
IT'S A- COMPANY CREDIT CARD.
FULL-TIME EMPLOYEE NUMBER 007.
LICENSE TO SPEND.
I DON'T GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT IT.
THEY GAVE YOU A COMPANY CREDIT CARD? YOU, A MERE ITINERANT? FULL-FLEDGED, FULL-TIME, AS OF THE NEW YEAR.
YOU'RE TAKING THIS BADLY.
DO YOU SEE ME DOING HARM MYSELF? NO.
THEN I'M TAKING IT VERY WELL.
AGNES, LET ME HELP YOU.
HELP ME WHAT? HELP YOU GROW, HELP YOU SUCCEED.
THERE'S ROOM AT THE TOP FOR EVERYONE.
NOW, TELL ME ABOUT THIS CASE.
OH, NO.
OH, NO, WHAT? OH, NO.
YOU'RE NOT HORNING IN ON MY CASE.
HORNING IN? I'M JUST TRYING- LEAVE! LEAVE? LEAVE! YOU DON'T WANT MY HELP? NOT IF YOU WERE THE LAST SHAMUS IN SHEBOYGAN.
THE LAST WHAT IN WHERE? OUT! GO! GET! LEAVE! OUT? GO? GET? LEAVE? AAAAHHHH! GEE YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO RIGHT NOW, DO YOU? WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON HERE? I HEARD A SCREAM.
IT'S LIKE- AAH! CLOSE, BUT MORE BLOODCURDLING, MORE FROM THE DIAPHRAGM.
WHO IS THAT? OH.
THIS IS MY ASSOCIATE.
MR.
RENBOURN, HERBERT VIOLA.
MR.
VIOLA, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN.
NOW, WHO SCREAMED? NOT ME.
YOU MEAN YOU DIDN'T SCREAM? ME? SCREAM? DO I LOOK LIKE A SCREAMER? I AM A TRAINED PROFESSIONAL, NOT SOME NERVOUS NELLIE WHO JUMPS EVERY TIME SHE SEES HER OWN- AAH! LUDWIG.
THANK GOODNESS IT'S YOU.
YOU GAVE US QUITE A SCARE.
I'M SO SORRY, MRS.
R.
I HOPE I DIDN'T STARTLE ANYONE.
MISS DIPESTO, MR.
, UH VIOLA.
THIS IS LUDWIG.
HE'S OUR MAJOR-DOMO AND GENERAL FACTOTUM.
PLEASED TO MEET YOU MAJOR GENERAL.
I THOUGHT I HEARD A SCREAM- A TRÍO OF SCREAMS, ACTUALLY.
WE CAN ACCOUNT FOR TWO OUT OF THREE.
BUT NOT THE FIRST ONE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WELL, IT SURE SOUNDED LIKE A WOMAN'S SCREAM.
BUT, IF IT WASN'T MRS.
RENBOURN, AND IT WASN'T ME- IT WAS HER! HER? WHO HER? VELMA.
VELMA BOULET.
OH.
VELMA.
VELMA BOULET.
SHOULDN'T WE CHECK HER ROOM? NO.
THAT WON'T WORK.
SHE DOESN'T LIVE HERE.
VELMA DOESN'T LIVE ANYWHERE.
NOT ANYMORE.
OH.
OH.
YOU SEE, VELMA'S BEEN DEAD SOME 40 YEARS.
DID YOU KNOW HER? IS SHE SOMEONE YOU KNEW? NO, I NEVER MET HER.
BUT SISTER HAS, DOWNSTAIRS IN THE LIBRARY DURING THE SEANCE.
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! MARGARET! FINE, JAKE.
SCOFF.
BUT WHATEVER YOU BELIEVE, SHE'S IN THIS HOUSE.
YOU SEE, EMILY'S SPOKEN TO HER.
AAH! AAH! PERFECT.
JUST WHAT WE NEEDED.
I'M SURE IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE THUNDERSTORM.
I'M SURE IT'S SOMEONE FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE WHO WANTS US TO CONSERVE ELECTRICITY.
LUDWIG.
SIR? GO DOWN TO THE BASEMENT AND HAVE A LOOK AT THE FUSE BOX.
I'M ON MY WAY, SIR.
MARGARET, YOU GO BACK TO BED.
YOU NEED YOUR REST.
WHAT ABOUT YOU? I'LL BE ALONG IN A COUPLE OF BRANDIES.
I'M NOT GOING TO STAY UP HERE BY MYSELF.
WELL, FINE.
KEEP MISS DIPPY TOES WITH YOU.
IT'S DEPPY TOES.
DIPSETO.
AGNES.
UH MR.
RENBOURN.
THAT BRANDY YOU MENTIONED, MIND IF I JOIN YOU? YES.
AH.
UH, LUDWIG! WAIT UP! A BODY COULD GET LOST DOWN HERE.
LOTS OF BODIES COULD GET LOST DOWN HERE.
I BELIEVE THE FUSE BOX IS THIS WAY, SIR.
LUDWIG! WHAT'S WRONG? LUDWIG! I SAID YOU'RE CHOKING ME, SIR.
SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
ALL THIS TALK ABOUT GHOULIES AND GHOSTIES AND THIS HOUSE BEING HAUNTED HAS ME A LITTLE JUMPY.
THE HOUSE HAS THAT EFFECT ON MOST PEOPLE.
IT CHANGES THEM IN SUBTLE WAYS, SETS THEM ON EDGE.
PEACE OF MIND GIVES WAY TO SUSPICION AND ANXIETY.
I'VE WATCHED IT HAPPEN.
TO THE MISTER AND MISSUS, FOR INSTANCE? I FEEL IT HAPPENING TO ME AS WELL.
HEY, BUT THIS IS JUST-JUST A BUILDING, MADE OF PLASTER AND WOOD.
PERHAPS.
BUT, YOU SEE, THE MAN WHO BUILT THIS HOUSE HAD SOMETHING OF A PAST.
HE WAS IN THE GIN TRADE, HENCE THE SECRET PANELS AND HIDDEN CORRIDORS THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE.
A BOOTLEGGER, HUH? AMONG OTHER THINGS.
I BELIEVE HE WAS ALSO PROMINENT IN THE FIELDS OF EXTORTION, PROSTITUTION, OPIUM SMUGGLING, AND THERE WERE RUMORS OF WHITE SLAVERY.
AH, HERE WE ARE.
I WONDER IF GERALDO RIVERA KNOWS ABOUT THIS PLACE.
IT APPEARS WE HAVE BLOWN A FUSE.
THAT'S EASY ENOUGH TO REPLACE.
REGRETTABLY, I WAS UNABLE TO LOCATE A SPARE IN THE PANTRY.
THAT'S NO PROBLEM.
YOU GOT A PENNY ON YOU? A PENNY, SIR? WAIT A MINUTE, I THINK I GOT ONE HERE.
LUDWIG, MY GOOD MAN, YOU ARE ABOUT TO FIND OUT WHY CORNWALLIS BIT THE BIG ONE AT YORKTOWN.
YANKEE SMARTS.
BUT FIRST, THE MAIN POWER SOURCE HAS TO BE OFF, OR IT'S SNAP, CRACKLE, AND POP.
A TRIUMPH OF INGENUITY.
MOVE THAT CANDLE IN A LITTLE CLOSER SO I CAN SEE.
CAREFUL.
CAREFUL.
LET THERE BE LIGHT.
OW! SIR, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? MOM, IS THAT YOU? * WHENEVER I FEEL AFRAID * * I HOLD MY HEAD ERECT * * AND WHISTLE A HAP * *PY TUNE * * SO NO ONE WILL SUSPECT * * I'M AFRAID ** STOP IT! GO AWAY! LEAVE US ALONE! HA HA HA HA.
HA HA HA HA.
HA HA HA HA.
HA HA HA HA.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING? I AIN'T AFRAID OF NO GHOST.
PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME.
MRS.
RENBOURN, WHATEVER'S ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT DOOR IS PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF US THAN WE ARE OF IT.
I HOPE.
COME ON.
WE'RE HAVING IT OUT WITH THIS VELMA ONCE AND FOR ALL.
HOPE THAT THING'S LOADED WITH SILVER BULLETS.
FINE TIME TO BE SPINNING TUNES.
THE SONG THAT WAS PLAYING THE NIGHT SHE DIED.
IT WAS? SHE SANG IT TO SISTER.
SHE DID? SHE LEFT THE PARTY BARNO FOLLOWED DRUNK.
HE FORCED HIMSELF ON HER.
SHE TRIED TO GET AWAY.
HE GRABBED HER, AND THEN- AAH! DID YOU HEAR SHOTS? GUESS SO.
HOW MUCH DOES A LAWYER COST? WHAT? I'VE GOT ABOUT $53 IN MY CHECKING ACCOUNT.
I DON'T THINK THAT'LL DO IT.
AGNES, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU DON'T NEED A LAWYER.
THAT POLICEMAN KEPT ASKING ME QUESTIONS.
HE'S SUPPOSED TO ASK YOU QUESTIONS.
YOU'RE A WITNESS.
I MADE MRS.
RENBOURN GO INTO THE HALL.
BUT YOU DIDN'T MAKE HER SHOOT HER HUSBAND.
THAT POLICEMAN KEPT ASKING ME WHAT I WAS DOING AT THE HOUSE.
AND EVERY TIME I ANSWERED I FELT LIKE SUCH AN IDIOT.
"YOU SEE, OFFICER, I WAS PLAYING DETECTIVE.
" AGNES SOME DETECTIVE.
ALL I DID WAS GET A GET A DISTURBED WOMAN WORKED UP INTO A TIZZY UNTIL SHE SHOT AN INNOCENT MAN WHO SHE HAPPENED TO BE IN LOVE WITH, BY THE WAY.
AGNES- YOU WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG.
YOU TRY TO TELL ME NOT TO GET IN OVER MY HEAD BUT WOULD I LISTEN? NO, I WOULDN'T LISTEN.
AGNES, LISTEN- NO WONDER MS.
HAYES IS MOVING YOU UP INSTEAD OF ME.
SHE'S NOT MOVING ME ANYWHERE.
NO WONDER SHE GAVE YOU A COMPANY CREDIT CARD.
I DON'T HAVE A CREDIT CARD.
NO WONDER SHE- WHAT DID YOU SAY? I SAID I DON'T HAVE A COMPANY CREDIT CARD.
BUT I SAW.
YOUR NAME AND "BLUE MOON'S" EMBOSSED RIGHT ON IT.
YOU CAN GET ANYTHING PRINTED ON A CREDIT CARD.
BUT THE BILLS COME TO MY ADDRESS.
I PAY THEM MYSELF.
YOU DO? I DO.
BUT WHY? WELL, WE'RE HERE.
SEE YOU IN THE MORNING, I GUESS.
I GUESS.
WHO IS IT? THE BUTLER.
THE BUTLER? THE BUTLER.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO SAY? I DON'T KNOW.
GUESS I'LL LOOK HIM IN THE EYE AND SAY, "LUDWIG" CAN I HELP YOU? YOU'RE NOT LUDWIG.
NO, I'M DR.
BEDDOWS, THE FAMILY PHYSICIAN.
AND WHO ARE YOU? I'M HERBERT VIOLA.
THIS IS AGNES DIPESTO.
WE NEED TO SPEAK TO THE BUTLER, PLEASE.
LOOK, IT'S 4 A.
M.
AND WE'VE HAD A RATHER EVENTFUL EVENING HERE TONIGHT.
SO, COULDN'T THIS WAIT TILL MORNING? WAIT! WE KNOW ALL ABOUT THE EVENTFUL EVENING.
WE'RE FROM THE BLUE MOON DETECTIVE AGENCY.
WE NEED TO ASK LUDWIG A FEW QUESTIONS.
YES, WELL, THAT'S ALL WELL AND GOOD BUT I'VE PLACED LUDWIG UNDER HEAVY SEDATION, AND HE'S AS WE SAID, WE REALLY NEED TO SEE LUDWIG.
AND AS I EXPLAINED, HE REALLY IS IN NO CONDITION TO RECEIVE VISITORS.
HE RECEIVED YOU.
HE HAD NO CHOICE.
SEE, I HAD TO HELP COMMIT MRS.
RENBOURN TO A SANITARIUM TONIGHT.
SO, I CAME HERE TO PICK UP SOME OF HER PERSONAL EFFECTS.
AND LUDWIG WAS SUPPOSED TO HELP, BUT HE WAS IN SUCH A STATE- I'LL BET HE WAS.
YES, IT'S SO SAD.
I'VE BEEN TREATING EMILY FOR QUITE SOME TIME, AND I KNEW HOW UNSTABLE SHE WAS, BUT POOR MARGARET.
I KNEW SHE'D BEEN UPSET ABOUT EMILY, BUT I DIDN'T REALIZE IT WAS SO SEVERE.
DR.
BEDDOWS, WE DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH MARGARET.
EXCUSE ME? AND WE ALSO DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH LUDWIG.
I- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
NEITHER DO WE, YET.
BUT WE'RE GOING TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF IT.
THAT'S WHY WE HAVE TO TALK TO LUDWIG.
AND I DON'T THINK IT SHOULD WAIT.
IS HE IN HIS ROOM? YES, BUT- WE'LL ONLY BE A MINUTE.
I'D HAVE MORE SEDATIVES READY, IF I WERE YOU.
OK, LUDWIG, NAP TIME'S OVER.
EVERYTHING'S OVER.
WE'RE ON TO YOUR LITTLE SCHEME.
WE KNOW THE ONLY PERSON HAUNTING THIS HOUSE IS YOU.
COME ON.
RISE AND SHINE.
I DON'T THINK HE HEARS YOU.
WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING? HE'S ASLEEP, AND HE'S HAD A HARD NIGHT.
A HARD NIGHT? HE'S PUT TWO WOMEN IN THE BIN AND GOTTEN A MAN KILLED.
THEN HE PRETENDS TO BE DISTRAUGHT SO NO ONE WILL SUSPECT HIM, GETS HIMSELF SEDATED AND CRUISES THE OZONE, WITHOUT A CARE IN THE WORLD.
I HADN'T THOUGHT OF IT LIKE THAT.
OK, BUDDY, WAKE UP! WAKE UP, WAKE UP, WAKE UP! HE'S HE'S HE'S DEAD.
DEAD.
DEAD.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
WHO? WHAT? HOW? THERE'S A DEAD BODY.
CAN YOU GET DOCTOR? AAH! LADY, THAT CAN'T BE GOOD FOR YOUR FACE.
NOTHING WORSE THAN A BAD TOUPEE.
I'LL GET THE DOCTOR.
THANK GOD THERE'S A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE.
LUDWIG IS DEAD.
ARE YOU SURE? THEY DON'T GET ANY STIFFER.
AND THERE'S A WOMAN WHO'S OH, THEN YOU'VE HAD QUITE A SHOCK.
A FEW CCs OF THIS WILL CALM YOU RIGHT DOWN.
NO, THANKS.
I'M SCARED OF NEEDLES.
NOW, NOW.
THERE'S NOTHING TO BE FRIGHTENED OF.
YOU.
YOU KILLED LUDWIG.
YOU'LL FEEL A LITTLE TIGHTNESS IN THE CHEST.
AND THEN IT'LL ALL BE OVER IN JUST A COUPLE MINUTES.
AGNES? I'M AFRAID WE MAY HAVE TO RETHINK THE BUTLER PREMISE.
HE KILLED LUDWIG.
AH! HE GAVE ME NO CHOICE.
HE GOT WIND OUR PLAN AND TRIED TO BLACKMAIL EMILY.
WHITE HAIR THE WHITE WIG THAT'S EMILY.
PERFECT ALIBI, WOULDN'T YOU AGREE? NOW SHE DOESN'T NEED ONE.
YOU TWO WERE IN CAHOOTS, GASLIGHTING MARGARET, TRYING TO DRIVE HER CRAZY WITH ALL THIS GHOST STUFF.
BUT WHY? YOU'VE JUST ANSWERED YOUR OWN QUESTION, MR.
VIOLA- TO DRIVE HER CRAZY.
I GET IT.
YOU DO? AND IT'S VIOLA.
THEY WERE DELIBERATELY TRYING TO PUSH MARGARET OVER THE EDGE.
WHAT WAS THE PLAN THEN, TAKE OVER HER AFFAIRS, LIQUIDATE HER ASSETS? SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
ENOUGH PEOPLE HAVE DIED ALREADY.
HAND IT OVER, BEDDOWS.
YES, IT HAS GOTTEN MESSY.
SHAME.
MURDER WAS NEVER PART OF THE PLAN.
OH, REALLY? THEN WHY DID YOU KILL YOUR ACCOMPLICE? EMILY PANICKED.
SHE HAD NO STOMACH FOR MURDER.
WHEN MARGARET SHOT JAKE ACCIDENTALLY, SHE WANTED TO GO TO THE POLICE.
NOW WHO WANTS TO GO FIRST? AAH! HERBERT! I SAID, BEAT IT! IT'S ALL OVER.
I'M A DEAD MAN.
YES.
AS SOON AS I PUSH THE PLUNGER.
WHERE ARE WE? LUDWIG SAID THIS PLACE WAS FILLED WITH HIDDEN ROOMS AND SECRET CORRIDORS.
A SIMPLE TAPE RECORDING, ECHOING THROUGH THE HEATING DUCTS OF AN OLD PLACE LIKE THIS CAN BE VERY DISQUIETING.
MRS.
RENBOURN MUST BE LOADED.
I MEAN, THE BODIES ARE REALLY STARTING TO PILE UP AROUND HERE.
THIS HOUSE IS ALL I'M AFTER.
THE HOUSE? I KNOW IT'S TOUGH TO QUALIFY FOR A MORTGAGE THESE DAYS, BUT THERE'S GOT TO BE AN EASIER WAY.
NOT THE BUILDING, WHAT'S UNDERNEATH IT.
LOOK, YOU'RE STANDING IN IT.
GLOP? OIL.
BLACK GOLD? TEXAS TEA? THIS HOUSE IS SITTING ON A LAKE OF HIGH-GRADE CRUDE.
IT SEEPS IN THROUGH THE FOUNDATION.
THE TAR THAT ONCE FELLED THE MIGHTY MASTODON IS GOING TO MAKE ME A VERY RICH MAN.
WHEN THE PRICE COMES BACK UP.
NICE TRY, BEDDOWS.
NO CIGAR.
HERBERT, THAT WAS GREAT, BUT HOW DID YOU GET THE LIGHTS OUT? I DIDN'T.
I THOUGHT YOU DID.
NO.
WELL, IF NONE OF US DID IT AND EVERYONE ELSE IS DEAD Woman:* THE BLACK BOTTOM * * A NEW RHYTHM * * WHEN YOU SPOT HIM * * YOU GO WITH HIM * *ANDDO THAT BLACK, BLACK BOTTOM * * ALL THE DAY LONG ** VELMA? YOU BOTH HAVE A SEVERE TONGUE-LASHING COMING.
NOW, I VOLUNTEERED TO TAKE YOUR PLACE, I EVEN OFFERED TO SHOWER, BUT SHE WOULDN'T HEAR OF IT.
MISS DIPESTO, MR.
VIOLA, WE JUST GOT A CHECK FOR $2,500 FROM A MRS.
RENBOURN, RETURN ADDRESS, HAPPY VALLEY PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL.
THINK THE BANK WILL CASH A CHECK MADE OUT IN CRAYON? IT CAME WITH A LETTER THANKING ME FOR THE GOOD WORK MY ASSOCIATES MISS DIPESTO, MR.
VIOLA DID IN SOLVING HER CASE.
WOULD YOU MIND TELLING ME WHAT THIS IS ABOUT? I'M SORRY, MS.
HAYES.
IT'S MY FAULT.
NO, IT'S OUR FAULT.
WE HEARD YOU TURN DOWN THE RENBOURN CASE, AND WE WENT AFTER IT.
AND YOU SOLVED IT? WELL, YES, I GUESS SO.
WE CAUGHT THE MURDERER.
AND EVERYBODY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
WELL, NO.
ALMOST EVERYBODY DIED.
WELL, YOU GOT TO START SOMEWHERE.
WE'RE GETTING OFF THE SUBJECT.
WHAT THE TWO OF YOU DID WAS BOTH FOOLISH AND DANGEROUS.
WE KNOW.
YOU WENT BEHIND MY BACK.
WE KNOW.
YOU MISREPRESENTED YOURSELF AND ENDANGERED THE PROFESSIONAL INTEGRITY OF THIS AGENCY.
WE KNOW.
I SHOULD FIRE YOU! BUT I'M NOT GOING TO.
YOU'RE NOT? WHILE I DO NOT CONDONE WHAT YOU DID, I CAN'T HELP BUT ADMIRE YOUR INITIATIVE.
YOU CAN'T? I CAN'T HELP BEING IMPRESSED KIND OF.
REALLY? REALLY! BUT I WANT YOU BOTH TO KNOW THAT SHOULD ANYTHING LIKE THIS HAPPEN AGAIN OH, THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
THAT'S ALL.
OH, AND BY THE WAY, KIDS YOUR COMMISSIONS WILL BE IN NEXT WEEK'S PAYCHECK.
* MMM * * SOME WALK BY NIGHT * * SOME FLY BY DAY * * SOMETHING IS SWEETER * CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY LIONS GATE HOME ENTERTAINMENT CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL