Moonlighting s04e01 Episode Script

A Trip to the Moon

Come Walk The Night Come Fly By Day Something Is Sweeter 'cause We Met On The Way Moonlighting Strangers Who Just Met On The Way Who Just Met On The Way Captioning Made Possible By Lions Gate Home Entertainment announcer: The Bluemooners with The Stars [Arguing] [Knock On Door] Norton: Hey, Ralph! Hey, Ralphie? You All Right In There? Trixie: Alice, Are You Ok? Ralph: Oh, Ho, Some Day, Alice, Some Day.
[Audience Applauds] Hey, Ralph! Alice? Gosh, Ed, What Should We Do? I Don't Know.
Hey, Maybe We Could Take A Couple Of Those Kitchen Chairs There, Put 'em Next To The Bedroom Door, And We Could Hear Better.
You Want Me To Stop Yelling, Alice? [Applause] You Want Me To Stop Yelling? I'll Stop Yelling! I'll Stop Yelling! I'm Not The One That's Yelling.
I'm Not Yelling, Alice.
You Hear Me? Do You Hear Me, Alice? [Applause] Of Course, I Hear You, Ralph.
All Five Boroughs Hear You.
Hi, Ed.
Hi, Trixie.
Norton? Trixie? What Are You Doing Here? Can't You See We're Having A Fight? Oh, Don't Mind Us.
You Happy Now, Ralph? You Woke Up Norton And Trixie.
Oh, No, He Didn't Wake Us Up.
We Were Out For Our Evening Constitutional There.
Well, You Woke Me Up.
Why Are You Kids Fighting? You Want To Know Why We're Fighting? You Want To Know Why We're Fighting? I'll Tell You Why We're Fighting.
I Will Tell You Why We Are Fighting.
I Don't Know Why We're Fighting! You Know Why We're Fighting, Ralph.
We're Fighting Because I Asked You A Question.
Is That Such A Crime, Ralph, Me Asking You A Question? Get A Load Of Miss Smarty Pants, Here.
"Is That Such A Crime, Ralph, Asking A Question?" Tell Them What The Question Was, Miss Smarty Pants.
All Right, I Will.
I Told Him I Wanted To Know Where Our Relationship Was Going.
That's It! You See That! You See That? She Wants To Know Where The Relationship Is Going.
She Has The Unmitigated Gall To Ask Me Where The Relationship Is Going.
You Want To Know Where The Relationship Is Going? You Want To Know Where The Relationship Is Going.
I'll Tell You Where It's Going.
It's Going To The Moon! David: * Oh, Sol-I-Meeeooo * It's A-Plain To See-Ooo I Scrub The B.
O.
Yo-Ooo-Oyio-Oh Ohh, I Slept Good Last Night.
How About You? Ok.
I Had This Weird Dream.
Oh, Yeah? What Was It About? I Don't Know.
It's No Big Deal.
Listen, I Was Thinking.
Maybe I Should Bring A Couple Of My Things Over Here.
You Know, Just To Have.
Not That I Mind Shaving With A Pink Razor, Mind You.
What Do You Think About That? Funny You Should Mention That.
I Was Just Thinking Maybe We Should Knock This Whole Thing Off.
Heh Heh Heh.
I Don't Know Why, But Something Tells Me You Didn't Sleep As Well As I Did.
I Just Don't See Where This Is Going, David.
Where Our Relationship Is Going.
Maybe You Can Tell Me, Where's Our Relationship Going, David? What Do You Mean, Where Is Our Relationship Going? I Don't Know Where It's Going.
It's Going Somewhere.
I Know We've Got One.
Well, I Don't.
You Want To Know Where The Relationship Is Going? That's What This Big Problem Is? Ok, I Will Tell You Where The Relationship Is Going.
It's Going To Be-- To The Moon.
What? I'm Sorry.
You Were Just Going To Tell Me Where Our Relationship Is Going? Well, No, I Don't Know.
I Mean, I I Was Going To Guess.
I Mean I Mean, I Was Going To Suggest, Like This Morning, Just Now, I Mean, I Said, "What About If I Bring A Couple Things Over Here?" Now, That's The Relationship Going Somewhere.
But It Is! Look! For--For The Last We Have Had This Relationship That Is Built Around The Bedroom.
Now What If I Bring A Couple Things Over Here? A Couple Towels, Razor, Toothbrush Then We've Got The Relationship Moving Into The Bathroom.
Who Knows, A Couple Weeks From Now, I Could Bring A Six-Pack Over, Stick It In The Fridge, Bingo! Now We're Downstairs! Got The Relationship Moving Into The Kitchen.
You See? That's How It Works.
It Takes Time.
Pretty Soon, Every Room In This House Will Be Filled With This Relationship.
And Then You're Gonna Have To Get A Bigger House.
We Don't Have A Relationship, David.
Sure, We Do! No.
No, We Don't.
We Have Something Else, But It's Not A Relationship.
It's More Like Some Sordid Foreign Movie.
That.
That's It.
That's All We Ever Do.
That's The Whole Thing.
Every Day It's The Same.
I Wake Up, Swear To Myself That What Happened Last Night Will Never Happen Again.
Oh, For The Love Of Mike.
We Drive Separate Cars To Work, We Act Aloof From Each Other All Day, We Say Good Night At 5:30, But Then, I Don't Know How It Happens, But We Always End Up Together-- Your Place, My Place, The Car.
The Walls Are Different, But Nothing Else Is.
David, This Isn't A Relationship.
It's A Bad Habit.
[Horn Honks] There's Your Taxi.
You Better Hurry Up.
Wait A Second! That's It? End Of Conversation? You're Just Walking Out? I'm Not Walking Out.
This Is My House.
I'll Be Back.
I Don't Mean That.
I Mean Maddie, We Have A Relationship.
No, We Don't, David.
A Relationship Is Something That Starts Small, And Builds, Grows, Goes Somewhere.
You Meet Someone, You Go Out On A Few Dates, You Discover You Have Something In Common.
We've Never Been Out On A Date, We Never Talk, All We Do Is Just Thrash At Each Other.
Yeah, But We're Talking Primo Thrashing Here.
John Deere Doesn't Build A Machine That Thrashes As Good As We Do.
Excuse Me.
Ok, All Right, Look I'll Admit It, Maybe We Have Been Doing Things A Little Out Of Order Here.
We, Us, Maddie, But That's Not Strange.
Haven't You Ever Skipped Ahead To The Last Chapter Of A Book? Fast-Forwarded Past The Boring Parts Of A Tape? Skipped The Entrée And Gone Right To Dessert? Just Tell Me What To Do, And I Will Do It.
I Don't Know What To Do.
I Just Know I Don't Want To Keep Doing This.
[Ring] Blue Moon Detective Agency.
We've Been Here Three Years, Taking Care Of Your Woes, Finding Lost Persons, Tailing Unfaithful Beaus.
In Honor Of Our Birthday, We're Offering A Deal.
Let Us Solve Your Murder, We'll Buy You A Meal.
A Night On The Town, Just A Little Gift From Us.
When There's Murder In Your Life, Give Us Your Business.
You Must Be 18 Or Over To Receive Free Gift.
Murders Subject To Verification.
Attempted Murders, Bogus Suicides, And Deaths By Natural Causes Are All Exempted From This Promotion.
Clients Found To Be Guilty Of The Murders We're Hired To Investigate Are Also Excluded.
Void Where Prohibited By Law.
Please Hold.
Good Morning, Miss Hayes! If You Say So.
[Knock On Door] Come In.
Happy Anniversary.
Huh? Happy Anniversary.
Three Years Ago Today, City Of Angels Investigations Became Blue Moon Detective Agency.
Oh, Goody.
Miss Hayes, Are You All Right? I'm Fine.
Ok.
Ok.
Miss Hayes-- Miss Dipesto, I Know You're Worried About Me.
But There's Nothing To Worry About.
I'm Just Having A Small Nervous Breakdown.
That's All.
Oh.
And, If It's All Right With You, I'd Like To Do It In Private.
Ok.
Ok.
[Knock On Window] Mr.
Addi-- She In There? Where's Her Head? Under Some Upholstery.
She's Acting Very Strange.
How Can You Tell? Is There Something Going On Between The Two Of You? Sometimes Yes.
Sometimes No.
Wish Me Luck.
Mr.
Addison! Relax.
I'll Announce Myself.
Hi, Kids.
These Need A Little Sun.
Those For Me? Hi.
Yeah.
I Saw Them, And They Made Me Think Of You.
Thanks.
They're Plastic.
Yeah.
Well, I Asked The Guy For Low Maintenance Flowers.
I Understand How Busy You Are-- How Much You Have On Your Mind.
Anything Else? No, That's All I Brought You.
No.
I Mean, Do You Have Anything Else To Say, Or Is That It? No.
Just That You Look Sad.
You Look So Sad.
I Mean, You Look Great.
You Just Really Look Sad.
What Can I Say? I Am Sad.
Right.
I'm Sorry.
I Don't Understand, Because I Am Happier Than I Have Ever Been In My Whole Life.
Well, I'm Happy You're Happy.
I'm Sad You're Sad.
Well Well Oh, This Isn't Fair.
Look, I Have To Say This To You, All Right? Yes, You Were Right.
There Are A Lot Of Things That Are Wrong With ThisThis Thing That We're In, This "Relationship.
" We Don't Have A Relationship, David.
That's The Point! Whatever You Want To Call It, Yes, It's Very Screwed Up, But It's Not All My Fault.
A Lot Of It Is My Fault, But It Is Not All-- Fault Is Not The Issue Here.
Fault Is Not What This Is About.
This Is About Whether A Thing Is Right Between Two People, Whether It Works, David.
This Thing, Us, Does Not Work.
How Would You Know? How Would I Know? Yes, How Would You Know? You Weren't There.
You Were Never There.
You Never Gave Yourself To This Thing.
Never Gave Myself To This Thing? Who Do You Think Was Lying Beside You, On Top Of You, Underneath You, This Past Month? So What? So What? I've Got News For You, Pal.
Unlike Most Of Those Wishbones That You Call Women That You've Known For Most Of Your Life, I Don't Do That, Not Like That.
Didn't Give Myself To This Thing? David, If I Gave Any More Of Myself To This Thing, I'd Be Inside Out.
And What Do You Mean "How Do I Know"? How Do I Know? I Know Because I Was There, David.
i Saw The Iceberg Hit The Titanic.
i Saw The Hindenburg Burst Into Flames.
It's A Disaster.
We're A Disaster.
No, No, No, You're A Disaster.
I'm Euphoric.
Stop It.
I'm Delirious.
Stop Yelling.
I Am Very, Very Happy! Well, I Feel Empty Inside! I Do, And I Don't Know What To Do About It.
Well I Do.
Let's Start Over.
What? Start Over.
Go Out On A Date, Talk-- All Those Things You Were Saying This Morning.
The Thought Of Sleeping Alone Destroys You, Doesn't It? I Don't Believe You! It's Not About Sleeping With You! I Don't Want To Sleep With You! Ok.
I Like Sleeping With You, All Right? But If I Don't Sleep With You, That's Ok, Too.
We're Not Talking About That.
We're Talking About You, Allowing Yourself To Be Happy And Letting Someone Know You're Happy.
But I'm Not Happy! Because You Won't Let Yourself Be Happy.
You Won't Commit.
We Sleep Together In Secret, We Show Up To Work Together In Different Cars, We Got More Pacts Than The Geneva Convention! You're Avoiding The Issue.
How Come Nobody Knows About Us? What? We've Been Doing What We've Been Doing For Four Weeks, And Nobody Knows About It.
Who Would You Like To Know About It? I Don't Know.
All I Know Is That Office Out There Is Gossip Central.
News Flies Faster There Than On Cnn.
And Nobody, Not Even The Great Dipesto, Knows About This.
Why Should She Know About It? Why Shouldn't She? What Is Your Point? I Think You're Ashamed Of Us Or You're Embarrassed About Us! David, What Do You Want Me To Do? Go Into The Office And Announce To Everyone That We're Sleeping Together? You're Nuts! No, I'm Not.
I'm Happy.
I Just Want Someone To Know, And I Want You To Want Someone To Know.
I've Had Enough Of This Conversation.
Fine.
I'll Just Go Tell Them Myself Then.
No, You're Not.
Yes, I Am.
No, You're Not.
Oh, Yes, I Am.
No, You're Not.
YesIAm.
Aah! Hey! [Whistles] Excuse Me, Everyone.
I Have To Be-- Going Now.
Block That Door.
Don't You Dare.
Don't Worry About It, Boys.
Her Bark's Worse Than Her Bite.
I Have A Little Announcement To Make-- Little Piece Of News-- Don't Do It, David.
You See That Lady There? David.
I Think That I Have Fallen Madly And Completely Head Over Heels In Love With Her.
Yeah.
So Given That What Do You Think? Maybe Me And You Can Go Out On A Date? Just A Regular Pick-You-Up-At-7:30, Home-By-11:30, Little Food, Maybe-A-Movie Type Date? I Mean You Think Maybe? Yeah.
I Think Maybe.
Yeah.
Well, I Guess I Better Go Now.
Why Am I Doing This? Why Am I Putting Myself Through This? I Ought To Have My Head Examined.
Well, If You Insist.
Aah! Aah! That's A Rather Hostile Greeting, Wouldn't You Say? Who Are You? Me? Why, I'm Dr.
Joyce Brothers, Of Course.
Dr.
Joyce Brothers.
What Are You Doing Here? Oh, Come Now, Maddie, I'm Not Really Here.
I'm A Figment Of Your Imagination.
I Exist, Or Rather, My Image Exists Because Of Your Own Repressed Need To Discuss Your Fears And Anxieties.
Oh.
Well, Let's Discuss Them.
Earlier I Heard You Ask, "Why Am I Doing This? Why Am I Putting Myself Through This?" Why Do You Think You're Doing This, Maddie? I Don't Know.
If I Knew, I Wouldn't Ask The Question.
Well, Do You Like David? Do You Like Spending Time With Him? I Don't Know.
Let's Backtrack.
Let's Assume You Have A Relationship, the Two Of You Want A Relationship.
Let's Examine What A Relationship Means.
Is This The Man You Want To Be With? I Don't Know.
Is This The Man You Can Imagine Spending The Rest Of Your Life With? I Don't Know.
Is This The Man That You Can Have Children With, Have A Home With, A Man You Can Live With, Love With, Perhaps Even Die With? I Don't Know.
I Don't Know.
I Don't Know! Well, I Sense Your Discomfort And Your Frustration.
Let Me Take Another Tack.
What Are The Two Of You Like In Bed? Is That A Satisfying Part Of You Relationship? Are You Taking Pleasure In It? Are Your Needs Being Fulfilled? Well, Actually, That's The One Thing That Is Great.
Yeah.
I Mean, Sure, I'm Satisfied.
I Take Pleasure.
And My Needs Are-- Those Needs Are Always Fulfilled.
Well, Then I Don't Get It, Girl.
What's The Problem? This Is It, David.
D-Day.
No R & B.
No Bodily Noises.
No Lewd Remarks.
You Gotta Charm The Panty Hose Off Her.
She's Stepping Out With A New And Improved A Little More Reserved David Addison.
The Loafers.
[Music Plays] What You Say? Hit The Road, Dave And Don't You Come Back No More No More, No More, No More Hit The Road, Dave And Don't You Come Back No More Now, Dave, Listen, Dave Can't Believe What You Say You're Gonna Live To Regret It Someday Don't Care If He Does, 'cause He Understands He Ain't Got What It Takes He Just Ain't A Man Well, I Guess If You Say So You Oughta Pack Your Things And Blow That's Right, Hit The Road, Dave And Don't You Come Back No More No More, No More, No More Hit The Road, Dave And Don't You Come Back No More Don't You Come Back No More Don't You Come Back No More Don't You Come Back No More Hey, Addison, What's All This Trash You Talking? Ray Charles? In My Living Room? Well, Is That Where I Am? What Are You Doing Here, Man? Talking To Some Fool.
Backup Singer: Yeah.
Some Fool.
Me A Fool? Yeah, You Fool.
I Can't Believe What A Brother Is Saying.
"Don't Make Her This, Don't Make Her That," And, "I Can Be Her Kind Of Man.
" I Mean, I'm Ashamed Of You, Son.
Ashamed Of Me, Ray? Ashamed For You And For All Of Us Who Don't Have To Put The Toilet Seat Down.
Ooh.
What You Said.
Ray! I Was Just Trying To Make A Good Impression, That's All.
Good Impression, Hell.
David Oh, Do You Hear Me, David? The Poor Boy's Done Lost His Head Lost His Head Just To Get That Girl I Believe He'd Turn Over And Play Dead And Play Dead Ho-Ho-Hold It.
Hold It.
Play What? Play Dead? Look, Ray, I'm A Big Fan And All, But I Ain't Got To Listen To This, Man.
Wait A Minute.
You Know What I'm Talkin' About.
No, I Don't, And I Ain't Playing Nothing.
And I'm In Control.
Control? Excuse Me.
Look, I'm The Kind Of Guy That Knows What He Wants And Knows What He's Gotta Do To Get It.
Oh, Yeah? What's That? The Right Thing, For Once.
I'm Going To Do What I Want For Me.
For Us.
For Us? Hey, Girls, I Think He's Got That Sound.
Wait.
Hold It.
Hold It.
What Sound? Sound Like The Man Has Already Given The Girl His Car Keys, His Checkbook Yes! His Remote Control.
Sounds Like Just To Make A Little Whoopee, He's Willing To Be Married Alive.
Ooh, Tell Him, Baby.
Hey, Whoa.
Wait A Minute.
Who's Talking About Marriage? You Hear Me Talking About Marriage, Girls? Forget Marriage, Man.
Oh, Wait A Minute.
Marriage Is Not All That Bad.
As A Matter Of Fact, That's Not Even The Bad Part.
What Is? The Trade.
The Trade? the Trade.
You Know, Whatever You're Willing To Give Up.
Once You Fix A Tomcat, You Can't Unfix Him.
Hey, You're Way Off, Ray.
You're Not Even Close.
Look, Just Because A Man's Willing To Shave A Little Style Off His Program Don't Mean Anything Else Is Getting Cut Off.
I Don't Know About That.
It Don't Sound Like The Dave Addison I Know, Does It, Girls? No.
Uh-Uh.
No, The Dave Addison I Know Would Tell Her, "Hey, You Gonna Get Down With Me Nice And Dirty, Or You Don't Get Down At All.
" That's Right.
That's Right.
The Dave Addison I Know Would Say, "Hey, If It Ain't Good To You Today, Just Wait Until Tomorrow.
" That's Right.
That's Right.
The David I Know Would Say Oh, Mama, Don't Treat Me Wrong Come And Love Me All Night Long Hear Me What I Say, Baby Ooh Uh Oh Oh Eeh Oh Eeh Oh Yeah, Babe Mama, Don't Do Right All Right Mama, Don't Do Right I Know You, Baby Mama, Don't Do Right Counting On You Mama, Don't Do Right Gonna Do Right, Girl Mama, Don't Do Right Say You Don't Do Right Mama, Don't Do Right It's All Right Baby, It's All Right Say It's All Right Baby, It's All Right It's All Right Baby, It's All Right Any Way You Do Baby, It's All Right It's All Right, Baby Baby, It's All Right Say It's All Right Baby, It's All Right Don't Know Why I'm So Damn Nervous.
Are You Nervous? Yeah, I'm Nervous.
You're Nervous? Yes, I'm Nervous.
I Kind Of Like That-- You Nervous.
You're Not Nervous? Nervous? No.
I'm Something Else.
What? What, What? What What Are You? You Don't Want To Know What What I Am.
Sure, I Do.
I Just Told You I Was Nervous, Didn't I? And I Told You I Wasn't.
Yeah, But You Didn't Say What You Are.
So What Are You? No, It Would Only Make You More Nervous.
It Ain't Gonna Make Me Any More Nervous Than That.
Ok.
You Want To Know What I Am? Yes, I Want To Know What You Are.
I'm Ambivalent.
Ambivalent? Ambivalent.
Ok? There You Go.
I Feel Very Ambivalent About This.
I'm Filled With Ambivalence.
I'm Not Saying This To Hurt You, But I Just Am.
I'm Ambivalent.
Feel Better? You Do Know What-- Yes, I Know What Ambivalence Means.
And? And? And Knowing I Feel This Way, How Does That Make You Feel About This Date? I Feel Fine About This Date.
I Feel Kind Of Ambivalent About Your Ambivalence.
Ambivalent? Kind Of.
Kind Of? What Do You Mean, Kind Of? I Don't Want To Do This.
Excuse Me? I Don't Want To Do This.
Wait A Minute, Do What? What Do You Mean, "Kind Of," And What Do You Meany By, "I Don't Want To Do This"? Is "This" This Date? No, "This" Means This Conversation.
I Don't Want To Have This Conversation.
Why Not? This Is A Very Good Conversation To Have.
There's No Reason For You To Be Ambivalent About This Conversation.
Well, I Am.
Why? Because.
Because Why? Because I Know How It's Gonna Go.
You Do? I Do.
You're Gonna Say Something, Then I'm Gonna Say Something, Then You're Gonna Get Mad.
I Am Not.
And I Promised Myself I Would Not Do Anything To Get You Mad.
I'm Not Gonna Get Mad.
Because That's The Way These Conversations Work.
They're Like A Test, And I Always Fail The Test.
I Don't Want To Fail The Test, But I Do.
I Say Something, Then You Get Mad.
I'm Not Gonna Get Mad.
Let's Face It, It's Always A Test With You.
You're Just Sitting Over There, Waiting For Me To Screw Up.
I Am Not.
And I'm Not Stepping Into It.
I'm Not.
I Won't.
This Date Means Too Much To Me.
And We Both Know, That This Date Is A Test, It's A Trap, It's A Setup.
You're Just Sitting Over There, Waiting For Me To Screw Up, Aren't You? Huh? Aren't You? Wait A Minute, Where Are You Going? What About Our Date? Life's A Bitch.
Maddie! I Can't Help Thinking That Somehow That Didn't Come Out The Way I Meant It.
Yo, Maddie! [Rings Doorbell] Yo! Maddie, What About Our Date? Go Away! Go Away? Go Away? You Don't Really Want Me To Go Away, Do You? It's Gonna Make It Awful Hard To Hold Hands.
It's Gonna Make It Very Tough To Neck.
It's Gonna Make It Impossible For Me To Give You A Hickey.
You Don't Really Want Me To Go Away, Do You? Yes, I Do.
I Want You To Go Away.
Well, I Don't Mind Telling You that Me And My Dating Game Chaperone Are A Little Miffed Put Out Cut To The Quick.
Come On, Maddie, This Is The Cute Stuff.
Maddie, Come On.
I Know You're In There.
Come On Out.
Ok, Fine.
You Don't Want To Come Out, That's Fine, 'cause I'm Not Gonna Stand Out Here All Night Begging You To Come Out.
No, Siree, Bob.
I Mean, Sure, I Wanted To Give This Date Thing A Try, Wanted To See If We Could Work It Out, But If You're Not Gonna Even Come Out Here, I'm Not Gonna Stand Out Here Begging All Night.
So, I'm Going.
Uh, Good-Bye, Maddie.
This Is It, I'm Leaving.
Good-Bye.
Hey, What The Hey, Pal, What Are You Get Out Of There! What Are You Doing, Hiding In Those Bushes? Oh, My God! Is That A Knife? It Is A Knife! It's A Big Knife! No Way, Man.
No Way You're Gonna Get In This House And Gin-Su That Woman, Not Over My Dead Body.
What Ohh! Here, Take That! Oh! And That! And Here's Something For Your Head.
Oh, God Woo-Ow! My God! Maddie, Stay In The House! Oh! Whoa! Whew! Oh! I Guess You Never Messed With A Detective Before, Huh? Maddie, Don't Open The Door! Just Stay In The House.
Just Stay In The House.
We've Got A Dangerous Criminal Out Here.
I Got Him Immobilized Right Now, But He Still Could Be Dangerous.
Just Stay In The House, Call The Police.
I'll Just Stay Out Here With This Guy.
Wait A Minute.
What's That? Oh, My God, He's Bleeding From The Back Of The Head! Hang On, She's Coming Right Out.
Maddie, Come On, Looking Like A Sam Peckinpah Movie Out Here.
Yo! Maddie! Come On! Hang On There, Pal.
She's Not Going To Let A Man Die.
Maddie, Will You Come On! Maddie, The Man Is Last Rites? I Don't Know How To Give Last Rites.
Besides, You Don't Need Last Rites Anyway, Pal.
She's Gonna Come Through That Door Any Minute Now With Ace Bandages And Bactine.
Maddie, Come On, Come On, We're Losing Him! But I'm Not A Priest! UhAll Right.
All Right, Here I Go.
Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.
I Pray The Lord My Soul To Keep Oh, No! Oh, No! Maddie! Oh, No, No, No, No, No.
Maddie, He's Dying.
He's Dying, Maddie.
Come On Out And Take A Look, And Let Me Know If He's Dying.
Maddie, You Coming? Uh, Look, Forget About That.
You Don't Want To See A Dead Body Anyway.
I Know That.
Look, Just, Uh, Come On Down Here, Cover Your Eyes, And Step Over The Body And Show Me Where The Hose Is So I Can Rinse This Blood And Brains Off Here.
Maddie! Uh Ok.
Fine.
You're Not Coming Out? Fine.
Great.
That's Just Great.
You Got A Dead Man Out Here On Your Porch, And You Will Not Even Come Out And Take A Look At Him.
Now I Don't Mind Telling You, Honey, That's Cold.
That Is Very, Very Cold.
Not As Cold As This Guy Here, But That Is Cold.
All Right.
I Guess I'll Just Have To Take Care Of Him Myself Then.
I'll Drag This Guy Down To The Curb And Leave Him There For The Garbage Man.
How's That? Huh? Does That Make You Happy? Oh, Forget It.
Forget You, Forget Me, Forget This.
So, Uh, Where's This Guy? Huh? Oh, Um Yeah, That Was Just A Superficial Flesh Wound.
He's Down The Street Robbing Some Other House.
Mm-Hmm.
So If We Went On This Date, Where Would We Go? Where? Anywhere.
Where Would You Like To Go? I Don't Know.
I'm Not Even Sure I Want To Go.
Movie? You Want To Go To The Movies? It's After 9:00.
Everything's Started.
Dinner? Go Get Some Din-Din? It's A Weeknight And It's Late, And We Don't Have A Reservation.
Bowling Alley, Pool Hall, A Bar, Anywhere-- No Bars.
Oh, Lord.
No Bars.
Just Come With Me.
No Bars.
No Bars, Not With You.
No Bars! No Bars.
Course Not.
Hate Them.
No Bars.
I'll Get My Bag.
Get Your Bag.
I'll, Uh, Wait Here.
Guard The Door In Case That Guy Comes Back.
Ha Ha! See? I Told You We'd Find Something! Come On! [Muzak Playing] Ha Ha Ha! Ho! Pretty Neat, Huh? No Doubt About It.
Definitely Worth The Wait.
What Are You Talking About? This Place Is A Shangri-La.
Look At That Sign, "Open 24 Hours.
" Got Some Gourmet Food Here, Refreshing Soft Drinks, Pay Phone, In Case You Want To Make A Call, All The Heat You Need.
And In Case We Do Anything That Makes Us Dirty, We Can Tidy Up Right Here.
This Place Is Better Than The Hilton.
You Spoil Me.
You Don't Like It? Don't Be Ridiculous, All My Life, I've Been Wanting To Come Here.
And To Think We Have The Whole Place To Ourselves.
I'm Sorry.
I Know How Important This Is To You, And I'm Not Helping Much, Am I? Don't Shrug.
There's Nothing To Shrug About.
For Once, You're Really Trying To Be Nice, And I'm Being What You Would Call A Bitch.
Surprise, Surprise, What Can I Say? I'm Not A Very Nice Person.
I Mean, I Have My Moments, But Now's When You're Supposed To Jump In And Say That I'm Really Not A Bitch, And That I'm One Of The Nicest People You've Ever Met.
I Can't.
You're Not.
Brutal Honesty And A Lack Of Tact.
I Like That In My Failed Relationships.
See? That's Funny.
That's Sharp.
Do You Ever Get That Funny Or That Sharp With Anyone Else? No, I Don't Think So.
You're Right.
We Should Stay Together.
We Have To Stay Together.
I Mean, Think Of The Banter.
You're Kidding, And I'm Serious.
Don't You Get It? I Don't Get Any Better Than When I'm With You, And I Don't Think You Get Any Better Than When You're With Me.
I'm Sorry, But If This Is As Good As Life Gets-- I'm Not Saying This Is As Good As Life Gets.
What I'm Saying Is I Don't Know What I'm Saying.
I'm Saying That You Know My Garbage, Good And Bad.
And I Know Yours.
I Knew It The Minute I Met You.
And I Knew You Read Me The Minute You Met Me.
That I Did.
That's The Point.
Nobody Reads Me.
Nobody Gets To Me.
And You You're About As Cool As They Come.
But You Can't Deny It, Maddie.
You've Got A Bad Case Of Me.
And I've Got A Bad Case Of You.
And I Never Have Had A Bad Case Of Anyone Before.
What Makes You Think I Have A Case Of You? Because You're Here, In A Laundromat, At 2:00 In The Morning.
Who's Kidding Who? If You Weren't Even Remotely Interested In What I Had To Say To You, You'd Be Out That Door, Climbing In Your Car, And Cruising Home.
Excuse Me.
Where Are You Going? I'm Walking Out The Door, Climbing In My Car, And Cruising Home.
You Were Right The First Time.
You Are A Bitch.
Right.
And What Are You? At Least I'm Honest.
At Least I Can Look You In The Eye, Dave, And Say, "Hey, Fine, This Is Great, This Is Wonderful.
"But This Is Too Much Work For Me.
This Is Too Hard.
" Every Moment, Every Second, Every Word, Every Breath Is Like Some Test.
If This Is Love, It's Too Hard.
If This Is Love, I'll Live Without It.
And That's It? That's It.
I'm Numb, David, I'm Raw.
You Love This Kind Of Friction.
I Can't Live With This.
Yeah, Fine, I Love You.
So, One More Big Surprise.
But It Too Hurts, It Tears Too Much.
I Just Can't Do This.
I'm Just Not Up To This.
You Underestimate Yourself.
No, I Don't.
I Know Myself.
I Know My Limits.
I'm Dead On, David.
And ThisYou Are Beyond My Limits.
This Relationship, This Thing We Have, Whatever You Want To Call It, Only Has Two Temperatures, White Hot Or Icy Cold.
I Can't Function That Way.
I Need Some Middle, And, With You, There Is No Middle.
I Mean, I Know What It's Like To Be In A Laundromat With You At 2:00 In The Morning.
I Know What It's Like To Be In Bed With You For 14 Hours.
What I Don't Know Is What It's Like To Go Into A Coffee Shop At Noon And Order Cheeseburgers Or What It's Like To Go To A Store Together And Buy, I Don't Know, Something.
Look, You Want Cheeseburgers, I'll Take You Out And Get You Cheeseburgers.
You Want To Go Buy Something-- You Don't Understand.
I Understand.
No, You Don't.
This Is Me Telling You It's Over.
It's Over, David.
Period.
I'll Sell The Agency.
You'll Find A New Job.
It's Important For My Mental Health That We Get Out Of Each Other's Lives.
[Lara's Theme Plays] Say Something.
Please.
I Hate Muzak.
Don't Go.
I Have To Go.
Dance With Me.
You've Used That Line On Me Before, David.
It's Not Going To Work.
It Always Works.
It Has To Work.
Ok, So It Doesn't Work.
So What? This Is The End? This Is Good-Bye? Not Even A Good-Bye Dance? We've Got Music.
We've Got Mood.
Come On.
It's The End Of The Summer.
Our Last Night Together.
We Told Each Other How Much We Love Each Other, But We Decided To Go To Different Colleges Anyway.
We've Got To Dance.
I Hate You, David.
Yeah, We Already Played That Scene, Too.
If You Could Do Anything, What Would You Do? End It.
Second Choice.
I Don't Know, Go To Some European Country.
Run And Hide, Hide Under A Bed.
Think.
I Want To Be Sure.
I'm Not Sure Of Anything.
Not Even About Ending It.
Well, Then, Let's Not End It.
I Love You, Maddie.
I Love You, David.
Well, Then Let's Keep Trying.
[Hello, Dolly! Begins] I Can't Dance To This.
You Want A Ride Home? You Want To Be Alone, Don't You? Mm-Hmm.
No, I'll Just Take A Cab.
I'm Sorry.
I Know You Want An Answer.
I Can't Give You One.
I Need To Think.
I'm A Thinker, David.
Ok.
I Don't Know What's Going To Happen.
Ok.
You're Not Gonna Dance Here With Anyone Else, Are You? Better Not.
That's It! You See That? You See That? She Wants To Know Where The Relationship Is Going.
She Has The Unmitigated Gall To Ask Me Where The Relationship Is Going.
You Want To Know Where The Relationship Is Going? You Want To Know Where The Relationship Is Going.
I'll Tell You Where It's Going.
It's Going To The Moon! Fine, Ralph, You Want To Be Angry, Be Angry.
But I'm Not Gonna Stay Here And Be Angry With You.
Trixie, Mind If I Stay At Your Place Tonight? Fine, Alice.
Wait A Second, Wait A Second.
You Think I'm Just Gonna Let You Waltz Out Of Here Like That? You Walk Out Of That Door Over My Dead Body.
Fine, Ralph.
You're Right.
I Can't Walk Out Over Your Dead Body.
I'd Have To Fly Out! Hey, Lady.
We're Here.
You Want Me To Get Your Bags? YesPlease.
Can I Help You? Yes, I'd Like To Go To A Foreign Country, Hide Under A Bed.
It's Ok.
I Don't Have A Current Passport With Me Anyway.
Do You Have A Schedule For Domestic Flights? You Walk Out Of That Door Over My Dead Body! Fine, Ralph.
You're Right.
I Can't Walk Out Of Here Over Your Dead Body.
I'd Have To Fly Out! Just Once, Just Once, Pow! Right In The Kisser.
Looks Like You Got A Real Problem Here, Ralphie Boy.
You Said It, Pal O' Mine.
Where Is The Relationship Going? What Kind Of Question Is That? Anybody Takes One Look Around This Place, You Can See Where The Relationship's Going.
Yeah, The Museum Of Natural History.
We've Got A Great Place Here, Norton.
I've Got A Great Job.
I'm In The Fast Track.
Anybody Can See That.
Yeah, I Know That.
I Can See That, Butmaybe That's Not What She Means.
What Do You Mean, Maybe That's Not What She Means? What Doyou Think She Means? I Don't Know.
Maybe All This Material Wealth You Got Here Ain't The Issue.
Oh, No? No.
Maybe Alice Is Talking About Something That's A Little More Spiritual.
Spiritual? Yeah.
You Know, We Got A Saying In The Sewers, Ralphie.
Still Waters Don't Necessarily Run Deep.
Will You Stop With That? You Gotta Help Me Here, Norton.
She Wants To Know Where The Relationship's Going.
I Don't Know Where The Relationship's Going.
I Don't Know What To Tell Her.
Sure, You Do.
Just Tell Her The Truth.
Tell Her The Truth? Tell Her The Truth? How Am I Gonna Do That? I Don't Know What The Truth Is! I Never Spend Any Time Thinking About Where The Relationship's Going! Sure, You Do.
Sure, You Do, Ralphie.
Here, Let Me Show You.
You Be You.
I'll Be Alice.
What You Mean? Just What I Said.
You're Ralph.
I'm Alice.
Will You Come On! You Space Cadet! Ok.
Ok, You're Alice.
I'm Me.
Alice This Is Where I Think The Relationship's Going.
I Think It's Going Forward.
I Like To Think Of This Relationship Like It's A Big City Bus, A Big, Big City Bus, And I'm The Driver, See? I Kind Of Sit Up There, Right In Front, And Kind Of Steer Things.
You Sitting Up Front? I'm Sitting Up Front.
Where Do I Sit? Anywhere You Want.
That's Right.
Anywhere I Want? Of Course, With You Sittin' Up Front, That Don't Leave A Lot Of Room For Anybody Else To Sit.
That's What Alice Would Say, Ralph.
You Know What It Means, Norton.
Aw, Come On, Don't Get Mad.
You Know What It Means, Norton.
Get Out! All Right, All Right, All Right! But Alice Don't Want To Hear About The Relationship Being A Bus And You Being The Driver.
Well, Then I Don't Know What To Tell Her, Norton.
I'm Crazy About Her.
I'm Nuts About Her.
Can't She See That? I Mean, There I Am, All Day Long, Driving That Bus Up And Down Madison Avenue, Women Getting On, Women Getting Off, And All I Can Think Of Is Her.
Sometimes, Down At The Bus Station, A Couple Of The Boys, They Start Running Down Their Wives.
You Know What I Say To Myself? I Say, "Kramden, You're A Lucky Man.
" When The Chips Are Down, Alice Is There.
When The Times Are Good, Alice Is There.
You May Not Believe This, Norton, But Sometimes I'm Not A Real Bargain To Live With.
[Sniffling] You, Ralph? Yes, I Know, It's Hard To Believe, But It's True.
I Don't Know What I'd Do Without Her.
Well, Why Don't You Tell Her What You Just Said There? What Do You Mean? What You Just Said.
That Was Beautiful.
What I Just Said Here? You're Right, Pal O' Mine.
That Is What She Wants To Hear! Get Her Down Here! Trixie! Yo! Trixie! Send Alice Down Here A Minute, Will Ya? And Have Her Bring Some Extra Kleenexes There.
You're Right, Pal.
Forget All About That Bus Stuff.
Just Tell Her What She Wants To Hear.
Trixie: I Can't Send Her Down, Ed! What Do You Mean You Can't Send Her Down? What Do You Mean You Can't Send Her Down? Tell Her I Order Her To Come Down Here! I Want To Tell Her I Love Her! Trixie, Tell Alice That's An Order! Well, Order Or Not, She Isn't Coming Down! She Left! Left? Left? What Do You Mean, Left? Where Did She Leave To? She Called A Taxi For The Airport! Said She Needed To Get Away And Think Things Over, Figure Out Where The Relationship Was Going.
Captioning Made Possible By Lions Gate Home Entertainment Captioned By The National Captioning Institute --Www.
Ncicap.
Org-- Come Walk The Night Come Fly By Day Something Is Sweeter 'cause We Met On The Way Moonlighting Strangers Who Just Met On The Way Who Just Met On The Way