Moonlighting s04e12 Episode Script

Maddie Hayes Got Married

So Come Walk The Night Come Fly By Day Something Is Sweeter 'cause We Met On The Way Moonlighting Strangers Who Just Met On The Way Who Just Met On The Way Captioning Made Possible By Lions Gate Home Entertainment You Quit Smoking? No, Mr.
Addison.
I Commit A Crime? Is The Health Inspector Coming? no.
He's Coming.
He? Who's He? you Know Who He.
Him.
Him? him? Right Here In The Middle Of Our Show? Not Capital H Him.
Miss Hayes' Him-- Walter Bishop.
I Think.
You Think? Sometimes.
Miss Hayes Had Me Make Lunch Reservations.
I Knew They'd Start Having Reservations.
Table For Two.
I Mean, I'm Not Certain It's Him, But Who Else Could It Be? Yeah.
Who Else Could It Be? Hey, Lucy, Here's An Idea.
Over Here.
Never Mind.
Bad Idea.
Wouldn't Be A Fair Fight.
What Are You Saying? Never Mind.
I Can't Fling Barbs At Such A Wide Target.
David, You're Not Making Sense.
On The Other Hand, I Would Be Fighting Out Of My Weight Class.
If You Have Something To Say No.
I Just Came In To See If I Could Interest You In A Little Lunch? Lunch? Yeah, Lunch.
Grab A Couple Of Hoagies, Sit On The Curb, Whistle At The Babes.
Oh, I'm Sorry.
I Can't.
I Have Plans.
Plans? Plans.
So Change Them.
I Can't Change Them.
Can't Change 'em? Must Be Big Plans.
Big Plans.
And They Are? Big.
And You're Doing Lunch.
With Someone.
Someone.
And It's Big.
Anyone I Know? No.
Animal, Vegetable, Or Husband? Pick Any Two.
I Don't' Want To Do This, David.
Louder.
You're Shouting For Two Now.
David, We Can't Have Lunch Today.
Let's Have Lunch Tomorrow.
Vegetable.
Husband.
Interesting Combination.
So When's He Coming By? When Do We Get To Meet Him? You Don't Get To Meet Him.
You're Gonna Lock Us In Our Rooms Till He Leaves? He's Not Coming By Here.
I'm Meeting Him At The Restaurant.
But Everyone Wants To Meet Him.
But Everyone Isn't Going To Meet Him.
Don't You Want Everyone To Meet Him? Of Course! Why Shouldn't I Want Everyone To Meet Him? Pick Up The Phone And Tell Him To Buzz By.
Put The Phone Down.
Call Him.
I Won't.
Call Him! I Can't.
Call Him.
He's Not Home! Not Home? He's Across Town.
That's Why I Was Going To Meet Him At The Restaurant.
Not At Home? Not At Home.
Not At Home.
You Mean, If I Pick Up This Phone And Dial Your Home Number, That He Just Wouldn't Happen To-- Walter? Guess He Had A Change Of Plans.
Yeah, Walter.
This Is David Addison From Blue Moon Investigations.
Listen, Maddie Wanted Me To Give You A Call And See If You Could Stop By And Pick Her Up On The Way To Lunch.
She's Really Anxious For You To Meet The Rest Of Her Blue Moon Family.
Great.
Listen, Um I'm Really Looking Forward To Meeting You.
Okey-Doke.
Yeah.
I'd Better Change My Underwear.
We're Having Company.
I Hate You.
Stop.
I'm Blushing.
Boss.
Let's Get Out Of Here.
Get Out Of Where? Here! The Headquarters Of The Walter Bishop Welcoming Committee.
You Have No Idea What I've Had To Sit Through This Morning.
Dusting! Polishing! Incessant Chatter About "Walter Bishop This.
Walter Bishop That.
" As If He Was Somebody Really Important, And Not A Human Goiter On The Neck Of Life! I Tell You, Sir, I Cannot Do It.
I Cannot Stand There And Say, "Hello, Mr.
Bishop," "Nice To Meet You, Mr.
Bishop," When I'm Really Thinking Is, "You Are Nothing But A Railway Wreck, Pal.
" So, What Do You Say The Two Of Us Just Get Out Of Here And Go Have A Long Liquid Lunch, Stare At The Secretaries Twitching In The Noonday Sun, And Forget All About Mr.
Walter Bishop.
I Appreciate Your Sentiment, Bert, But I'm Afraid I'm Gonna Have To Stick Around Here And Shake The Man's Hand.
Why? Because Maddie Married Him, And I Think We Should Make Him As Comfortable As Possible.
With All Due Respect, Sir, Speak For Yourself.
I, For One, Do Not Want To Shake His Hand.
I Don't Want To Meet Him Or Talk To Him Or Know Anything About Him.
There's Not Much To Know About Him.
What Do You Mean? I'm Pretty Sure I Can Tell You Everything There Is To Know About Bachelor Number Two.
But You've Never Met Him.
Don't Have To.
I've Already Met His Dream Date.
Believe Me, He Was Just The Best Packaged Box Of Corn Flakes She Could Come Up With On Short Notice.
Corn Flakes, Sir? You Betcha.
You Know The Kind Of Guy Miss Hayes Goes For.
She's A Bone Structure Freak.
Look At Sam--Broad Shoulders, Trim Waist, Slip Hips.
Think Clint Eastwood.
Think Of That Guy Who Does Those, Uh Cooler Commercials? Yeah, Him.
Believe Me.
He's Gonna Be A Big Hunk Or A Slab Or Something.
It's All In The Packaging.
Not That I Care Or Anything.
So I Probably Shouldn't Try And Take Him Out To The Parking Lot.
That Probably Wouldn't Be A Good Idea.
Sir, I'm Going Through With This For You.
For Your Sake.
But If You Change Your Mind, You Just Give Me The Signal, And We'll Rearrange His Packaging.
You Got It.
Sorry.
Hello.
Good Morning.
And You Are I'm Walter Bishop.
You're Walter Bishop? Oh, My God! You're Walter Bishop? Yes.
the Walter Bishop? I'm Sure There Must Be Others, But I Consider Myself Unique In My Way.
You Have No Idea What A Pleasure It Is To Meet The Actual, One And Only Walter Bishop! Well, Thank You.
Thank You Very Much.
You Must Be David.
[Giggle] You Flatter Me, Sir.
No, I'm Not Mr.
Addison.
But I Know Where I Can Find Him.
No, It's Not Urgent.
I Really Don't Want To Disturb Him.
Believe Me, He Won't Mind.
You Just Wait Right There.
Hi.
Hello.
Hi.
David Addison? Yeah.
Walter Bishop? Nice To Meet You.
The Pleasure's All Mine.
Thank You For Inviting Me Up Here.
It Was Very Gracious Of You.
We Try And Be As Gracious As We Can.
I Know That This Is Very Awkward.
It's-- What's That? This.
It's Just Very Very Awkward, And I'm Sorry.
I Know That You're Very Important To Maddie.
And Needless To Say, Maddie Is Very Important To Me.
It May Take Some Time, But I Hope We Could Forge A Relationship.
Forge What? ARelationship Between You And Me.
A Relationship Between You And Me? Yeah.
I Know That You And Maddie Had ThisThing.
What Thing? TheThe Thing.
I'm Surprised You're So Surprised.
You're Very Important To Her.
You Must Know That.
I Assume That She's Very Important To You.
Oh, Boy.
Oh Did She Tell You That, Walter? Tell Me What? That I Was Important To Her? That She Was Important To Me? She Is, Isn't She? I'm Sorry, I have You Ever Seen Play Misty For Me? play Misty For Me? The Movie.
Oh, Gosh Sit Down, Please.
I Hope You're Not Laboring Under Any Delusions, Bish, But Not That Maddie's Not A Very Pleasant Girl, But, Me And Her She's Got A Pretty Fertile Imagination.
No Kidding.
And Not That I'm Not Flattered.
It's Very Flattering, But I Think She's Got A Hell Of An Imagination.
Well, I Completely Understand.
I Just Have To Apologize.
No, No.
This Must Sound Absolutely Crazy.
No.
Don't Be Silly.
I Mean, Believe Me, I Can Understand How You Might Have Been A Little Worried Coming Here, But Let Me Tell You, Bish, You Got Nothing To Worry About.
Well, Thank You.
Thank You Very Much.
Is That A Present For Maddie? Yeah.
I Figured It Would Be Good For Her Back And For While She's Nursing And Knitting.
Knitting? Mm-Hmm.
She's Really Taking To It.
I'm Teaching Her.
Well, I Could See How It Would Be Less Harmful Than Something Like Football.
Do You Crochet? Never Have.
Don't Crochet.
You Know, I Was Thinking Of Taking Lessons.
Maybe That's Something We Could Do Together.
Maybe Forge A Relationship That Way.
Whenever You Say.
I Think It Would Be Very Relaxing.
Great.
Great.
Listen, I Don't Want To Keep You Kids From Lunch.
Walter, Damn Glad To Meet You.
Very Nice To Meet You.
You Got A Heck Of A Nice Girl There.
I Know I Do.
Thank You Very Much.
Good For You.
Want Some Help With This Chair? No.
I Can Manage It.
You Sure? I Can Give You A Hand.
Watch Your Back.
And, Walter Congratulations.
Ah, Thanks.
[Knock On Door] Come In! Hi.
Hi.
What You Got? Something No Pregnant Woman Should Be Without.
You're So Sweet.
Where Would You Like It? How About Over There? Ok, Take It For A Test Drive.
Sure.
Hi.
Hiya.
This Is Great, Walter.
Good.
Good.
I Met David Addison Just Now.
You Did? Where? Where? Right Out There.
Oh, No.
He Was Lying In Wait For You.
I Knew I Shouldn't Have Stayed Here.
That's Ok.
I Wore My Bulletproof Ego.
What Did He Say? Did He Take His Anti-Snide Shot This Morning? I Think He Only Got Half A Dose.
He's A Little Difficult To Pin Down.
It's Like Having A Conversation With A Fog.
That's David, All Right.
He Basically Seems Like A Nice Guy.
So Was Kaiser Wilhelm.
He Can Really Spin A Yarn.
I Can See What You Saw In Him.
He's Got A Lot Of Sparkle.
This Chair's Wonderful, Walter.
Good.
Well, Shall We Go To Lunch? Sure.
Is There A Back Door Out Of This Place? [Knock On Door] Spit And Slide Under.
So? So? What Did You Think? Of? Him.
Of Him.
He's A Nice Enough Guy.
He Said The Same Thing About You.
There You Have It.
I Do Hope The Two Of You Get Along Because You'll Be Seeing Each Other From Time To Time, Certain Events, Office Parties-- Wait A Second.
Wait A Second.
Save The Speech.
Look, I Think I Owe You An Apology For My Behavior.
When You Told Me You Were Married, I Reacted Badly.
I Admit It.
You Don't Have To Apologize.
I Understand.
You Were Hurt.
Ow, Yeah.
Ouch! Yikes.
What's So Funny? Nothing's Funny, Really.
Honestly, Nothing Is Funny.
It's Actually Kind Of Sad-- A Nice Guy Like Wally.
Walter.
What's Kind Of Sad? Wait! Oh, Wait, Wait! I'm Sorry! I'm Sorry, I'm Sorry.
I'm Sorry, I'm Sorry.
I Really Shouldn't Be Laughing.
I You Were In A Jam.
You Did The Best You Could.
You Were On A Train Coming Back To L.
A.
, Having Somebody Else's Baby, No Husband.
You Were Desperate.
I Was Not Desperate! What Happened, Conductor Too Old? With Walter, This Doesn't Happen.
I Talk, And He Listens.
Was He In The Next Compartment? It's A Whole New Way Of Communicating And-- So What If He Was In The Next Compartment.
Look, Maddie, I Would Have Been Happy To Help You Out Of This Little Dilemma.
But Hey, You Have To Understand, It's Hard To Find Wedded Bliss When You're Working Under A Deadline.
I Understand That.
Fine! Sneer All You Want.
But Whether You Believe It Or Not, Which, By The Way, Matters To Me Not At All, I Am Passionately In Love With This Man.
Oh, I Can Tell.
Bet Your Folks Are Popping Their Buttons, Huh? You Did Tell Mom And Dad They Have A Son-In-Law, Didn't You? What I Tell My Parents Is None Of Your Business.
They're Your Parents.
They'll Understand.
Even If They Lie To Your Face.
There's Nothing To Be Ashamed Of.
Wally's Not That Bad.
Walter! His Name Is Walter! And I'm Not Ashamed Of Him.
I Love Him With All My Heart! Oh, Yeah? Is That Why I Had To Invite Him Here Today? I Am Not Ashamed Of Him.
Is That Why Mom And Pop Were Left Out Of The Loop? I Am Not Ashamed Of Him.
Is That Why You Got Married In Vegas? Just You, Him, A Minister And A Receipt Book.
David, You Don't Know What You're Talking About.
I Know Exactly What I'm Talking About.
When It Comes To Maddie Hayes Being Ashamed Or Embarrassed, I'm An Expert.
Because Let Me Tell You Something.
Long Before There Was A Walter Bishop To Be Ashamed Of, And I'm Embarrassed To Say This, There Was Me.
You're Wrong! This Is Nothing Like You And I.
I'm Happier Than I've Ever Been In My Whole Life.
I Wish I'd Had A Big Fancy Wedding So Everyone I've Ever Known Could See What Walter Means To Me.
You Need A Big Place.
Sure! Westminster Abbey! Filled With Millions Of Flowers.
Carnations Are Nice This Time Of Year.
I'll Wear A Beautiful Dress With A Train A Mile Long.
Bridesmaids? An Army Of Them! Wedding Bells? A Steeple Full, Ringing Out The News, "Maddie Hayes Takes Walter Bishop "To Be Her Husband For Better Or Worse.
For Richer Or For Poorer.
" Done.
How's About This Saturday? What Are You Talking About? You Said You Wanted A Big Church Wedding.
You Got It.
I Didn't Say I Wanted A Big Church Wedding! Yes, You Did.
You Want The Network To Roll The Tape Back? David! Maddie.
Hey, Everybody Circle Next Saturday On Your Calendar! I'm Throwing A Wedding For Maddie! [Cheering] You Don't Got To Thank Me Now.
I'm Telling Him.
Over My Dead Body.
Don't Tempt Me! If Anybody Is Going To Discuss This Matter With Mr.
Addison, It's Going To Be Me! It Was My Idea! Your Idea! Yes! Ha! You Call That Shapeless Belch You Blew An Idea? I Gave It Dimensions! I Breathed Life Into It, Gave It Wings! Excuse Me, Sir.
Could I Just Have-- Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho! I Think You Boys Know The Rules, Don't You? Yes, Sir.
Yes, Sir.
Well? No Talking Out Of Turn.
And? We Raise Our Hands When We Want To Be Called On.
Thank You.
Macgilicuddy.
Sir, We Want To Throw A Bachelor Party For Mr.
Bishop.
Insomuch As You've Chosen To Display A Great Largesse Towards Miss Hayes' Intended, this Idea Of Mine Seems An Entirely Appropriate Adjunct To The More Formal Nuptials.
What Did He Say? How About A Naked Girl Jumping Out Of A Cake? I Like The Way You Think, Macgilicuddy.
We'll Need Vast Quantities Of Premium Alcohol.
And Dirty Movies.
Games Of Chance.
Stay Up All Night, Get Really Crazy.
And Puke.
We'll Import Women Of Easy Virtue For The Occasion.
While I Find It Difficult To Work Up Any Enthusiasm For This Particular Party I Wouldn't Stand In The Way Of You Boys Having A Good Time.
At Ease, Men.
He Hated It.
What Do You Expect? It Was The Dumbest Idea You've Ever Had.
Do You Believe The Nerve Of That Man, Trying To Throw Me A Wedding? I Will Admit It's A Bit Unorthodox.
Unorthodox? Yeah.
It's Manipulative And Cruel, Not To Mention Spiteful.
Do You Think You Might Be Reacting A Touch Strongly There? No, I'm Not! How Dare He Throw Me A Wedding? I Can Just See Him Now.
He's Laughing So Hard, His Ribs Are Breaking.
Are You Sure You're Reacting Logically To This? Logically? This Man Is Trying To Dismantle Our Lives.
We Don't Need Logic.
We Need Dynamite.
You Know, The Truth Is, It Would Be Hard To Find A Nicer Gesture.
This Isn't A Gesture.
This Is A Dare.
A Dare That's A Prelude To Embarrassment And Disaster.
How Can Our Wedding Be An Embarrassing Disaster? I Thought You Said You Hated Big Church Weddings.
Well, I Did.
I Do.
I Mean, It Meant A Lot To Me That You Hated Big Weddings.
Well, Normally-- Normally? You Mean You're Thinking About Allowing David To Get Away With This Scheme? I'd Just Like The Chance-- So You Were Lying To Me When You Said You Hated Big Weddings.
You Sounded Like You Were.
Well, I Wasn't.
I Can't Believe You.
You're Gonna Let Him Do This To Us? I Have Yet To See What He's Doing To Us Besides Provoking Our First Fight And Ruining Our Evening.
He Is Making Mock.
And David Makes Mock Like The Swiss Make Cuckoo Clocks.
Maddie, Hold On Just A Second.
Calm Down.
Calm Down.
We're Not On That Train Anymore.
We're Here, In Your House, With The Rest Of Our Lives Ahead Of Us.
Maybe What We Need To Stand Up In Front Of The World Together, Get Us Off That Train, Get Us Out Of That Magical Little Cocoon We Were In, We Can Put David Behind Us, And Get On With Our Marriage.
I'm Even Thinking About Going To That Bachelor Party They're Planning.
Bachelor Party? Yeah.
Somebody From The Office Called About It.
You're Thinking About Going? This Is Not A Bachelor Party They're Offering You.
This Is A Ticket To Your Own Lynching.
You Can't Go To A Bachelor Party With David.
Look, I Appreciate Your Concern, But I'm A Big Boy.
I'm Not Gonna Get Lynched.
I Won't Even Wear A Necktie.
He'll Get You Drunk.
He'll Get You Falling-Down Dead Drunk And Then Trick You Into Doing Something Lewd.
I Don't Know What He'll Do, But I Guarantee You You'll End Up Baying At The Moon From A Toilet, A Tattoo Parlor, Or Maybe Even The Arctic Circle.
That's What A Bachelor Party's Usually About, Isn't It? Yes! Only Yours Will Have Plenty Of Bail.
You Think This Wedding Is A Benign Gesture, A Stroll Down The Aisle.
But It's Not An Aisle.
It's A Gauntlet.
A Gauntlet? David Will Do His Best To Make This Entire Affair A Public Burning.
You Don't Know Him Like I Do.
He Seems Normal, But He Isn't.
He Exists For One Reason: To Throw Monkey Wrenches Into My Peace And Sanity.
I Thought I'd Found A Way To Stop All That.
Hey, Hold On Just A Second.
What's Going On Here? I Know You Felt A Lot Of Things For David, But This Is Beginning To Seem Like Can I Ask You Something? No.
Do You Still Care For Him? No.
I Don't Care For Him.
You Sure? Why Is My Own Husband Taking His Side? I'm Not Taking His Side.
Yes, You Are.
Just Because I'm Not Afraid Of The Treachery Behind His Offer? Yes, And Because You Want To Go Through With This Wedding.
Ok, Fine, Have It Your Way.
Have It David's Way.
We'll Do It! I Can't Believe My Own Husband Wants To Get Married To Me.
Ok.
I'm Going To Go Take A Little Walk Around The Block.
See If Some Fresh Air Can Help Me Figure Out What The Hell It Is We're Arguing About.
How About Dessert? No, Thanks.
I'm Stuffed.
Cookie Monster Swirl.
Ha Ha.
No, I'm All Right.
All Right.
I Guess I Won't Have Any Either.
No, Stay.
I Need To Stretch.
How About We Brush Up On Our Breathing Exercises? T-Minus 12 Days And Counting.
Great.
Ok.
How About Lionel If It's A Boy? I Always Wanted Model Trains For Christmas.
Lionel Knowles.
What Do You Think? David? Yo.
Breathing Exercises.
Right.
Are You Ok? Fine.
Why? You Didn't Touch Your Food.
That's A Trick I Do.
I Try And Will The Food Into My Mouth.
David, I'm Confused.
About What? Have I Done Something Wrong? What? What Are You Talking About? No, Of Course You Didn't Do Anything Wrong.
No, No.
I'm Sorry.
It's Me.
I've Just Been A Little Preoccupied.
Things Have Been Real Crazy At The Office.
But No, No.
You Didn't Do Anything Wrong.
As A Matter Of Fact, Things Are Finally Starting To Settle Down Now.
I Thought That We Could Spend More Time Together, Just You And Me.
I'd Like That.
What Are You Doing Next Saturday? Probably Stay At Home, Watch My Ankles Swell.
Want To Go To A Wedding? A Wedding? A Friend Of Mine's Getting Married.
Sounds Like Fun.
A Regular Laugh Riot.
Who's The Friend? Maddie Hayes.
Maddie Hayes? Mm-Hmm.
I Didn't Even Know She Was Back.
Who's She Marrying? Some Mook.
Anyway, She's Getting Married, So I Figured I'd Throw Her A Little Wingding.
You're Throwing This Wedding? Yep.
What? I Mean, It's What's So Funny? Nothing.
I--It's Very Sweet Of You.
I'm A Regular Prince Charming.
Do You Want To Talk About It? No, I Don't Want To Talk About It.
Ok.
Ok.
Are You Very Unhappy? No, I'm Not Unhappy.
I'm I'm Not Unhappy.
I'm, Uh I Don't Know.
I'm Happy.
I'm Thrilled.
I'm Elated.
I'm Tickled Pink And Many Other Various Colors.
Like Black And Blue? No Way.
She Never Laid A Glove On Me.
Are Sure You Want Me To Go? I Don't Think I Could Get Through It Without You.
Pretty Woman Walkin' Down The Street Pretty Woman The Kind I'd Like To Meet Pretty Woman I Don't Believe You You're Not The Truth No One Could Look As Good As You I'm Sorry.
Wrong Door.
Ohh, Ohh, Pretty Woman Sorry, Sir.
I Know That Scent.
Is That You, Bert? Well, It, Uh It--It Probably Is, Sir.
What Are You Doing, Bert? I'm Sorry, Sir.
I'm Not Sure I Understand What You're Saying.
Get Dressed In The Dark? Oh.
UhThis? Uh Please, Mr.
Addison, Don't Breathe A Word About This To Anybody.
Not A Word.
I'm In A Terrible Bind.
The Stripper That I Booked Called In Sick An Hour Ago.
It Was My Responsibility.
If Nobody Pops Out Of That Cake, Macgilicuddy Will Ruin My Life.
I Know That It Is Insane, But I've Got To Pinch-Hit.
My Only Hope Is They're All So Hammered They Won't Recognize Who I Am.
I Think I'll Just Go Find The Kitchen.
[Kissing Sound] Hey, Later For You, Babe.
What Do You Say, Bro? Should We Hit The Beach? Ah, Come On.
No Big Deal.
We Say Our Hellos, We Say Our Good-Byes-- Whoosh! We're Out Of Here.
Come On.
So, Dave, Which One Is Don Juan? There.
This Guy Sitting By Himself.
That's Him? that's Him Him? My Condolences.
I'm Go Talk To Him.
Get Yourself A Drink.
I'll Be Over Here.
If It Isn't The Man Of The Minute.
David.
Walter.
I Saw You Sitting Over Here.
I Was Going To Come Over And Make A Joke About You Sitting With All Your Friends, When I Realized You Probably Don't Know Anybody Here.
So I Figured I'd Come Over.
You Look Like You've Already Had Quite A Night.
I've Already Had Quite A Year.
Is Maddie All Excited About Tomorrow? She's Certainly Worked Up About It, That's For Sure.
To You! Ever Been To One Of These Before? What? A Bachelor Party For A Guy Who's Already Married, Thrown By Another Guy Who Knows His Wife Better Than He Does, And Attended By Absolutely Nobody That The Bachelor In Question Knows? No, I Haven't.
Are We The Only Two Guys Here Not Having A Good Time? Yeah.
Great.
What Kind Of Gasoline You Drinking There, Cowboy? Ale.
Ginger Ale.
Come Here.
Why Don't We Try Something A Little More Lethal Here.
To The Best Laid Plans.
neigh! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! [Strip Music Plays] Whoo! Go! Go! I Get Too Hungry For Dinner At 8:00 I Like The Theater But Never Come Late I Never Bother With People I Hate That's Why The Lady Is A Tramp I Don't Like Crap Games With Barons And Earls Won't Go To Harlem Dressed In Ermine And Pearls Won't Dish The Dirt With The Rest Of The Girls That's Why The Lady Is A Tramp Yeah! Hate California It's So Cold And It's Damp That's Why The Lady Yeah! Yes! That's Why The Lady That's Why The Lady Is A Tramp Ba-Bop So-Bop Ba-Bop Ba-Bop Oh, No.
Oh, Man, It's 10:06.
Time To Go.
Oh! Oh, How Hideous.
I Hereby Decree That The Royal Order Of The Yellow Napkin-Heads Is Hereby Adjourned.
Oh Oh, No.
How Hideous.
Aah! Aah! I Never Thought I'd Be Getting Home This Late.
It's All Right.
Don't Worry About It.
Maddie Will Understand.
Just Tell Her You Were Out With Me.
I Gotta Hand It To You, David.
A Wingding Like This That You're Throwing? A Lot Of Guys Would've Felt Obligated To Show Up On Time And Sober.
I Feel Awkward Enough About Going To This Wedding Without Having To Drag You Out Of Bed, And Shove You In The Shower, And Pull Your Pants On For You.
I Was Faking That Part Of It.
I Could've Done That For Myself.
And You Reek Of Whiskey.
Is Banging Into Every Pothole Your Way Of Telling Me You're Upset? I Shouldn't Be Driving.
A Woman Who's Isn't Supposed To Be Behind The Wheel.
All Right, Pull Over.
I'll Drive.
Never Mind.
Thank You For Coming.
Grab A Seat Wherever You Can.
Thank You.
Looks Like Quite A Full House In There.
Almost A Sellout.
Your Brother Sure Knows How To Throw A Wedding.
He's The Hostess With The Mostest.
Anybody Else Out There On The Street Looking To Share In The Wedded Bliss? Snagged Them All.
Ha-Cha-Cha-Cha! [Knock On Door] Well, It's Not Every Man Who Gets Married In A Tuxedo Once Owned By Burl Ives.
I Look Ridiculous.
No, You Don't.
You Look Beautiful.
It's Bad Luck To See The Bride Before The Wedding.
It's Worse Luck For The Groom To Trip Over His Pants And Lose A Couple Of Teeth On The Communion Rail.
You Got A Safety Pin? I Hate To Say I Told You So.
But I Told You So.
Yeah, I'm Beginning To Think This Wasn't A Simple Mistake By Old David.
I Can't Wait To See The Bouquet-- Gardenias And Venus-Flytraps.
It Will Probably Squirt Water.
Look, We Are Going To Get Through This.
Get Through This.
Just Walk Down The Aisle-- Without Stepping In Something.
And Say I Do.
[Knock On Door] Come In! I'm Reverend Hackley.
I'd Like To Take A Moment To Run Through The Ceremony-- That Won't Be Necessary.
Let's Just Get Out There, Get It Over With, And Get The Hell Out Of Here.
I'm Sorry.
She Means The Less Said, The Better.
The Sacrament Of Holy Matrimony Isn't Something To Be Taken Lightly.
We Know That, Reverend.
We're Already Married.
This Is-- No Big Deal.
Wonderful, Solemn-- Unforgettable.
No Big Deal.
Of Course.
Who Will Be Giving The Bride Away? The Bride Doesn't Need Anyone To Give Her Away.
My Parents Are Out Of The Country.
Why Don't We Just Get The Show On The Road? Yes.
Well Standing Before God, Proclaiming Their Love For Each Other, Is The Most Important Decision Two People Can Make.
Do You Have Any Questions? You Have A Safety Pin? [The Wedding March Plays] You Sure Have A Lot Of Friends, Miss Hayes.
Who's That Woman With David? Dearly Beloved, We've Come Together In The Presence Of God To Witness And Bless The Joining Together Of This Man And This Woman.
The Union Of Husband And Wife In Heart, Body, And Mind, Is Intended For Their Mutual Joy.
For Help And Comfort, Given One Another In Prosperity and Adversity Ahem! And When It Is God's Will, For The Procreation Of Children.
Whoa! Sorry.
Into This Holy Union-- Ooh! Eee! I Think It's Time To Go, David.
I'm Sorry.
Please, Continue.
I Just Have To Go.
Everything's Under Control.
What? What Is Under Control, David? Who Is That Woman, And What Is Going On? Look, I Wish I Could Stop And Explain All Of This, But I'm Afraid I'm About To Have A Baby.
Baby? Yes, A Baby! A Baby? A Baby? A Baby? Yeah, A Baby! So, Excuse The Interruption.
Take It From The Downbeat, Rev.
We'll Just Slip Out Quietly And Tell You All About It Tomorrow.
I'd Like To Know Whose Baby She's Having.
Her Own.
This Isn't A Dry Run.
This Is Condition Red.
Her Water Broke.
Well, I'm Coming.
No, You're Not.
No, You're Not.
First Of All, You're Not Invited.
And Second Of All, You Can't Just Walk Out On These Extras.
They're Paid For.
Hold This.
I Caught The Bouquet! I Caught The Bouquet! David, Look At You.
You're 180-Proof Hung Over.
I'm Fine.
You're In No Condition To Drive This Woman, Whoever She Is, To The Hospital, Much Less Help Her Deliver Her Baby.
Butt Out! I'm Coming.
No, You're Not! Yes, I Am! Get Married! Try And Make Me! Oh! Ah! Ah! David Who Is This Woman, And How Dare You Act Like This-- Throw Me A Wedding When You--She-- Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Hold That Thought Till Say, Tomorrow.
Follow That Car! Maddie! Ah! Where AreThe Three Of Us Going On Our Honeymoon? To The Hospital! Natch.
Just Let Me Sit.
All Right.
Sit Here.
Watch It.
You Ok? Yeah.
I'm Having A Baby! May I Help You? We're Having A Baby.
Doctor? No, Private Investigator.
Who Is Your Doctor? This Is Not His Hospital.
This Is Kind Of An Unscheduled Stop.
Don't You Have Some Kind Of An Express Line Here? You All Right? Name? Priscilla If It's A Girl-- David Addison! That Has A Nice Ring To It.
Cutting It Close, Aren't You, Honey? I Told You I Didn't Want You To Come Down Here! Your Wife's Name, Please? Your Wife! She's Not My Wife! I'm Not His Wife! Not In A Million Years.
Well, Then, Who Are You, And Who Is She? That's What I'd Like To Know! She's My Lamaze Partner.
Knowles, Terry-- With A "K.
" I Just Have One Question For You.
Did You Know She Was Pregnant When You And I Were Almost Getting Pregnant? Look, She's Not Having My Baby.
she's Not Having My Baby.
Nobody In The Whole Room Is Having My Baby! Then What Are You Doing Here? That's What I Want To Know! Maddie! Why Do I Think You're All Together? I'm With Her.
Take She-Ra Outside And Get Some Air, Huh? Are You The Father Of Her Baby? No, I'm Only The Husband! I Want Some Answers, David! You Owe Me Some Answers! This Isn't Your Party! After Humiliating Me! Humiliating You? I Thought You Loved Him, Like A Cow Loves His Cud! I Hate You! Oh, Good.
That'll Make This Easy.
Get Your Ass Out Of Here! Where Are You Going? Terry! Hold Everything! What Am I Talking About? You're Not Holding Anything, Are You? All Right.
ShortLong Fine.
Maintain Her Breathing.
Long, Long, Short-- The Pain's Almost Over.
Short, Short, Long.
You're Almost Through.
Give Me A Deep Cleansing Breath.
Maybe You Didn't Hear Me.
I Said Get Out Of Here! Maybe You Didn't Hear Me.
I Want Some Answers.
Scram! Talk! Talk? What's There To Talk About? You Keep Me Hanging For Four Months.
You Use My Guts For A Mop, And Then What Do You Do? What Do You Tell Me? You Say, "The Baby's Not Yours.
And I'm Married To Somebody Else.
" What Else Is There To Say? Do You Love Her? Here Comes Another One.
Are You Kidding? How Could He Love Me? He's Crazy About You! I Am Not! I Hate Her! Give Me Three Shorts And A Long.
Here We Go.
Short, Short, Short, Long.
She's Fully Dilated.
Don't Let Her Push Till I Get A Doctor.
Short, Short.
So, Do You Love Him? Of Course She Does.
She's Crazy About Him.
You Are.
I Am Not! She Is Not! I Hate Him! See, She Hates Me.
I Hate Her, Too! Yeah! You Do Not! Do, Too! She Does, Too! You Do Not! Yes, I Do, Yes, I Do, Yes, I Do! Love Him? I Loathe Him.
He Is Conceited And Unfeeling.
He's As Sensitive As A Toilet Seat And Almost As Warm.
Since The Day He Walked In Here, He's Done Nothing But Make Me Miserable! I Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself.
Are You Just Going To Take This? I've Been Taking This For Almost Four Years.
The Only Thing I Can't Figure Out Is How Much Money You Had To Pay Wally Here To Close His Eyes, Hold His Nose, To Get Him To Live In The Same House With You.
How Dare You.
Nothing Daring About It.
It Was Pure Pleasure.
You're The Most Disgusting Creature! This Is Her Daily Explosion Of Vile.
She's The Old Faithful Of Crap! I Came Back To Tell You So! Good Because We Are Done, Finished, Done! Finished, Over! Good! Great! Good-Bye! Gone! Go! Good Riddance! Aah! For God's Sake, Will You Two Kiss Already? [Baby Cries] Congratulations, Everybody.
That Is The Most Amazing Thing I Ever Saw.
Yay! WalterHayes AddisonKnowles.
Who'd Of Thunk It? Quite A Day, Huh? Yeah.
Weddings, Births Yep.
We Can Talk About It Now If You Want-- I Mean, The Kiss.
No.
Maddie, When You Show Up For Work On Monday, I'm Probably Not Going To Be There.
It Just Doesn't Make Any Sense.
The Baby's Not Mine You're Not Mine.
No, I Think I Got It Figured Out.
You See, I Just I Don't Think You Know How Any Of This Makes Me Feel.
You Just Don't Know.
Boy, When It Rains, It Pours.
What? Two Men Leaving One Woman On Her Wedding Day? You Want Me To Feel Sorry For You? No.
It's A Joke.
How Could I Expect You To Feel Sorry For Me? But You Know, David, I Didn't Do Any Of It To Hurt You.
None Of It.
But It Did, And I'm Really Sorry.
I'm Really Sorry.
I Know I Made Some Mistakes.
First I Ran Home To Mommy And Daddy.
Then I Ran Into Walter On The Train.
But Now I Realize The Only One The Only Person That Can Fix This Situation Is Me.
I Love You, David, And When I Saw You By That Bed With Terry What Really Matters Here-- What's Important-- Is That We Stop Hurting Each Other.
If That Means You Have To Leave, Then I'll Just Have To Accept That.
But There's One Thing I Want You To Know-- That I Really Wish With My Whole Heart That This Was Your Baby Inside Me.
So Do What You've Got To Do, But I Just Want You To Know I Understand.
Come On.
Come On What? You Probably Haven't Eaten All Day.
Need Your Grains.
Need Your Milk.
Need Your Fruits.
They've Got A 24-Hour Cafeteria Here.
Why I Take The Three Of Us Down And Get Us Something To Eat? I Guess I Could Just Take Junior Down.
No, That's Right.
I Guess The Two Of You Are Still A Package Deal.
Come On.
Yeah, Grains, Citrus, And Milk.
Everything I Read Says Those Are The Important Things For You To Get Down That Gullet Of Yours.
Protein.
Protein's Very Important, Too, Although There's Lots Of Controversy About What Form Of Protein's Best.
You Got Your Beef People.
You Got Your Egg People.
Got Your Soy People.
How About You? You A Beef Person? That's All Right.
You Don't Have To Answer That.
Captioning Made Possible By Lions Gate Home Entertainment Captioned By The National Captioning Institute --TC6 WAS HERE-- Ooh, Oh, Oh So Come Walk The Night Come Fly By Day Something Is Sweeter 'cause We Met On The Way We'll Walk By Night We'll Fly By Day Moonlighting Strangers Who Just Met On The Way Who Just Met On The Way Who Just Met On The Way