Moonlighting s05e05 Episode Script

Shirts and Skins

Morning, gentlemen.
I got some good news to start the week Good morning.
regarding the third largest distillers in North America and their new West Coast ad agency.
-Shouldn't we wait for Ms.
Fuller? Yeah, Miss Fuller won't be joining us this morning.
Over the weekend, we have concluded discussions regarding the future each of us envisions.
And as a result of that, Miss Fuller has asked that I accept her resignation.
And reluctantly, I have.
You rotten bastard.
-Miss Fuller, this is crazy.
What's crazy is that I believed you hired me for my creative mind.
But that's not you wanted, was it? Was it? Rob-- Robin, please.
Good morning, Miss Tracy.
Nice to see you again.
-Miss Tracy.
-Yes? Excuse me.
Are you defending Robin Fuller? -What can I do for you? -You can let me help.
I'm Madelyn Hayes, Blue Moon Investigations.
Well, why don't you call my office or send a brochure or something.
I'm not a detective's version of an ambulance chaser.
This isn't the proper way to solicit business.
I read about this case and I wanna help.
I'll do it for free.
-You mean, pro bono? -Exactly.
It's unfair to your client being fired because she won't sleep with her boss.
You' re gonna need character references, affidavits, all kinds of materials.
And I can help with the Iegwork.
As I said, I'll do it for free.
I've worked for two other companies in the past 10 years.
Nothing like this has ever happened.
I'll get you my résumé, it's an A-plus résumé.
I'm listed in Who's Who of American Advertising Women for goodness' sake.
How did you get the job at Fass Advertising? Well, I've been creating spots for wineries in the Bay Area.
They caught Neil's attention.
He flew to San Francisco, took me out to dinner and offered me a great job.
When did you realise he had more than a job on his mind? Pretty early on.
He started doing things.
I have a skirt with pockets in the back.
He would walk behind me and put his hands in the pockets and, you know .
And how did you respond? Long skirts and high necklines.
But that didn't stop him.
I thought I could handle it or he'd get bored.
I love my work.
I didn't wanna lose my job.
So finally, we were finishing a presentation on a very big account.
It was late Saturday afternoon, just Neil and I after a while.
He poured some Scotch and started telling me what an asset I was.
And how I would be perfect to run the account.
He said, how would I like that? I said, "Great.
" And then he said, "You know, you really deserve to be a partner.
How would you like that?" I said, "My dream is to become a partner.
" He said, " 've always thought you were very special.
Why don't we?" You know.
-And in 20 minutes you'd be a partner.
-I said no, so he fired me.
Thank you.
Yesterday morning you wanted the gun to scare him into giving you your job back.
Scare him? I wanted to kill him.
But I don't know anything about guns.
I've never shot a gun.
I hate guns.
I was very upset.
I was angry.
I was in a fog.
I don't think we should defend you on mental incompetency.
On the other hand, my female intuition tells me the DA is gonna blow cigar smoke at whatever plea bargain I arrange.
The DA won't be able to light up a cigar if you can convince the jury, half of whom are women Robin was forced to defend herself.
-Easier said than done.
-We've got to nail this guy.
Jamie, mind freshening this for me? -What'd you do that for? -What'd you ask Jamie to do? -Get me a refill.
-What's wrong with your legs? I'm in the middle of something.
And Jamie doesn't have work to take care of? -She wasn't doing anything.
-O'Nea 's sitting there.
Why didn't you ask him to fetch it? -Jamie makes better coffee.
-Oh, I see.
She has to make it and fetch it.
MacGi icuddy, around here women's work is not in the job description.
Why are you making a federal case out of this? I'm not sexist.
-I'm as liberated as the next guy.
-Raise your consciousness over to the coffee maker yourself.
A little rocket fuel, co-worker? Thanks.
Step on up to the '90s, MacGi icuddy.
I guess we know who wears the panties in your family.
Good morning.
Blue Moon Investigations.
Are you the target of somebody's ire, to be kidnapped, divorced, set on fire? Why wait till your honey's cashed out and fled? The ransom note's read, maybe you're dead.
Our pre-mayhem checkup is perfect for you.
For a few bucks, we'll sniff every clue.
Pester your friends, dig high, dig low.
If your number's up, don't you wanna know? -Please hold.
-Good morning, Agnes.
-Good morning, Miss Hayes.
I'm giving you a raise.
-Fifty dollars a week.
-Really? And a promotion.
You'll be the assistant to the president.
-We'll talk about profit sharing later.
-Wow, Miss Hayes.
Thank you.
I'm gonna see if Mr.
Addison's in.
-Just the woman I wanted to see.
-Just the man I wanted to see.
Maddie Hayes, I would like you to meet Gary Coombs.
-How do you do? -Pleasure.
Sit down, we got a lot to talk about.
Gary's a friend of my brother's.
And he just put us in shoelaces right into the next century.
What case is on the tip of everybody's tongue? What case is all over the newspapers, TV? What case has Meryl Streep practising an American accent? -Got me.
One of Gary's co-workers got a pink slip the other day.
She feels that the response is to go out and get a gun walk in, and do a bad Annie Oakley.
Gary's boss is in the hospital and she's filing a suit for sexual harassment.
I propose we adjourn to the office and autograph contracts.
-I don't think so.
-Is now not a good time? You wanna come back? Is your pen broke? I'm sorry.
I'm not interested in this case.
-You're not interested in this case? -We are not interested in this case.
I wouldn't call that a summary of my feelings.
I am speaking for the company, David.
Would you excuse us a minute, Gary? I didn't think you were capable of embarrassing me-- We are not taking this case because we have already taken this case.
-We have? -We have.
We don't have the case because we have it? Did you have breakfast with a maharishi this morning? Look, Dave, maybe we can work this out later.
Nice meeting you.
Yeah, nice meeting you.
You're not gonna be playing Red Cross with this nut case on a spree.
It wasn't a spree.
I visited Robin Fuller in jail.
-You what? -She's not some nut case.
Her middle name's Macadamia.
We're taking this case and her side of it.
What's more, for free.
-It gets better and better.
For free? -Pro bono, you know? Yeah, it's Latin for detectives with holes in their underwear.
You can't stand when a woman stands up for her rights.
I like my women laying down.
-I come from a line of missionaries.
-Make jokes.
-There's no way you can take this.
-No way you can admit the truth.
They worked together.
They had a mutual attraction.
They had laughs.
It happens all the time.
But the job goes south, she yells sexual harassment.
Yeah, and you yell oink.
Don't you have any principles, David? Yeah.
I got a big principle for you.
Nobody has the right to shoot the boss.
If they do, it ought to be me.
Robin Fuller was defending her right to earn a living.
-Not the way I heard it.
-From whom? That pal your brother met judging a pageant? While Little Bo Peep was climbing the corporate ladder she gave Neil Fass a peek at her petticoats.
-You don't know that.
-Yes, I do.
-How? -Sorry, I can't tell you.
-What do you mean you can't tell me? -Client privilege.
-You don't have a client.
-Yes, I do.
I'm taking this case.
-You are not.
-Yes, I am.
-You are not.
-Yes, I am.
-David Addison -I order you to drop this case.
-I don't take orders.
It's against the policy for subordinate members-- -Subordinate member? -Subordinate member.
Why don't you try underling, or better yet, peon? I cannot allow an employee to work on a case in conflict with another case which we've taken.
Wait a second.
This isn't about Section A paragraph B.
You're afraid your field hand here will beat you.
-Afraid? Of losing to you? -Petrified.
To a man.
-So you wanna take this case.
-I wanna take this.
-We'll both take this case.
-On opposite sides.
-I love it.
Yes, Miss Hayes? Did we get the employee list from Fass Advertising yet? Not yet, Miss Hayes.
I asked you for it two days ago, Agnes.
I know.
I'm sorry, Miss Hayes.
But I only have two hands.
Call the dean of admissions.
Tell him you're from the Addison Foundation Genius Awards.
You need to see Robin's records or she can't get the dough.
And call Jake's, get me a cheeseburger.
And get Viola a knackwurst and banana.
He says they'll know.
My, my, aren't we being industrious.
I don't know, but we're working very hard.
Normally, I'd applaud, but you're monopolizing Agnes.
What is that, some kind of sex crime? No.
But listen, I have appointments to make.
-Memos to be typed.
-What's the matter? -Sound panicky.
-Panicky? -Yeah, full of panic.
-I'm not panicky.
What are you blowing your horn at me for? You got the airtight case.
I'm drawing four from the dealer.
The only thing I can come up with about Robin is one thing.
Wanna hear it? Last year, her company threw a Halloween party -and she came as a belly dancer.
-So what? A woman who wants to get ahead dresses as Curie.
Doesn't make her belly spit gumballs into her boss' mouth.
I will not allow Agnes to help you anymore.
She's off your case.
Just remember, you lit the fuse.
-What fuse? -Warfare.
Boys against the girls.
Shirts against the skins.
And I got shirts.
Coach Addison is counting on each and every one of us to be all that we can be.
Billie Jean King didn't hand Bobby Riggs his codpiece on a silver platter by talking that way.
They want us to be afraid.
We owe him more than five yards and a cloud of dust.
We owe him nothing less than total victory.
We gotta win this one for Miss Hayes, for Robin Fuller for Susan B.
Anthony, the ERA and for every time our mother's just smiled.
Because if we fail the coach will wind up with a mouthful of Astro Turf getting it in the end zone and we.
We might just as well hang up our cups because there will be nothing left to protect.
Break! Two, four, six, eight Who we gonna liberate? Us.
-I think I did it.
-I like the tone of your voice.
Sir, I have succeeded in penetrating the billing system of Hackensack Mutual Insurance.
-Penetration? -They allow that on TV? They're the health carrier for Fass Advertising and by extension There she blows.
These files wouldn't have to be confidential, would they? Well, yes.
I guess they probably would be, sir.
By accessing them, would you be committing a crime? I really didn't think about it, sir, but, you know the subject of computer access is a very gray area.
Besides, who's gonna know? It might help shed some light on the subject of our investigation.
Look at this.
Here among the doctor and dentist payments.
There was a payment of $2700 last July on Robin Fuller's account to Harborhurst Inc.
I mean, that sounds like some kind of spa she went to on her vacation.
What's that doing on health coverage? -Insurance fraud.
-No, I think I've heard of Harborhurst.
It's a part spa, part rubber ranch.
A lot or burnouts up there.
So, what we might be talking about in portraying Robin Fuller, sir would be someone who's.
-What's the phrase? -Nuts? -Emotionally overwrought.
I don't need to tell you how much evidence like that would help Mr.
Fass' case.
Come in.
I got that list of Fass Advertising employees.
Long list.
As assistant to the president, I'm going to be more help to you from now on.
I'm gonna need it, Agnes.
I thought this was a crusade but David Addison turned it into a holy war.
Why am I surprised? Why am I ever surprised at David? I know how important this case is to you.
It's just as important to me.
I've been sitting there, imagining Burt red-faced, all puffed up, snapping his suspenders at me, lecturing me about-- I don't wanna have to sit through that lecture.
We're not gonna lose.
I've been going through Robin's record and despite what Addison and Fass say, she was a model employee.
We've gotta get in touch with every female employee and find out who else was Fass-harassed.
Promise them everything will be held in strict confidence.
We've got to nail Neil Fass.
Miss Hayes, I know a special assistant to the president is supposed to be gung ho.
I am gung ho.
-I'm gung ho-ho.
-But? I know that making these calls is good, solid detective work.
But it feels like prying.
Asking people about their private-- I mean .
Isn't this going a little too far? Agnes do you think David Addison is worried about going too far? Stop drooling on yourself.
You're not supposed to have rabies just act like a-- Just act like yourself and you'll be fine.
Good evening.
I'm Dr.
Richard Burlap.
This is Mr.
Chester Warwick.
I'm Mr.
Warwick's personal physician.
Good evening, Dr.
Burlap, Mr.
Good evening.
Well, where would you like to begin? -Excuse me? -What would you like to show us first? Where should we start? Someone did phone ahead about us coming by for a tour this evening? No one said anything about a tour.
Oh, my.
Well, this is rather disconcerting.
I had hoped to show Mr.
Warwick around the facilities this evening.
I had explained to Mr.
Warwick how calming and restorative the facilities have been for many of my other patients.
Was there anything specific you were interested in, Mr.
Warwick? -No enemas.
-Perhaps we could show Mr.
Warwick the pool facilities or perhaps the tennis courts.
I can't leave the station unattended.
Why don't you stroll around by yourself? Just stay in the vicinity.
Splendid idea.
Warwick? Mr.
Perhaps you'd like to take a stroll around, Mr.
See if you can make some new friends.
-I'm sure he'll enjoy it here.
-Yeah, I'm sure he will.
Many of my other patients have.
Speaking of which, my office has misplaced the final 505's on Mr.
Osborne's neptopolectomy.
Perhaps I could run some copies while I'm here.
Well, all the charts are back there.
But I'm not authorized to give out files.
You could call the administration.
Yes, well, I am in surgery all day tomorrow.
Couldn't you call the next day? Excuse me.
I got the back stairwell.
Out of the way.
-You cheater.
-You're the cheater.
-I am not.
It was 14-13.
-It was not.
It was game point, damn it.
What happened to our deep breathing exercises? I'm playing Ping-Pong.
Next thing I know, we're playing hockey.
I don't think we're making a very good impression here, Mr.
We should leave these nice people alone.
You're crazy.
You know that? Come on, Mr.
The Holy Grail is in my pocket.
That beanbag tried to gyp me out of a game.
Come on, Agnes.
-Come on.
This is what you wanted to talk about? I just want to be with you.
I can't be with you in there.
I can't even smile at you.
I can't even smile at you.
-Or touch you.
-Hands off.
-Let's do it right here, Agnes.
-My little sunflower.
I knew it.
MacGi icuddy.
-Have you no decency? -Traitor.
-I just needed to talk to her.
-Wait till I tell Mr.
Don't let him rattle you, Agnes.
-Listen, MacGi icuddy.
-You talking to me, Mr.
Kisseypoo? You know, I could have bet that you'd be up to something like that.
The rest of us guys have stuck together, but you you had to go get all sappy.
-I did not get all sappy.
-You were kissing her.
Hey, hey, hey.
What's going on here? Just caught Don Johnson in a broom closet singing "The Way we Were" with his girlfriend.
Very serious charge, Burt.
But you know what, MacGi icuddy and the rest of you Brown Shirts? Maybe this time, we make the peace around here, huh? Tomorrow's the big day for everyone in this office.
Climax to a gruelling contest.
Tonight, I say we set aside our hostilities.
That we lay down our arms and pick up our wine glasses.
And move towards a kinder, gentler office.
What do you say, everybody? -Well, hello.
Just wanted to tell you I'm heading out and that we're done, the prosecution rests.
-Oh, the prosecution rests, huh? -Yep.
The prosecution would like to take the defence out for a rest with dinner.
-Oh, really? -Really.
-Something wrong with that? -Oh, no, no.
I just didn't expect it.
Well, I'm not trying to harass you.
I know.
it's thoughtful of you to ask me to dinner.
But unfortunately, there's no rest for the defence tonight.
You're not ready by now? Of course, I'm ready.
Perfectly ready.
I just have some l's to dot.
Well, I should probably head home, get some sleep myself.
-Big day tomorrow.
-Big day.
-See you in court.
-See you in court.
Listen, I-- I want you to know all this has been fun.
-What? -Well, this.
You, me, all this.
Well, I wouldn't exactly call it fun.
Thought provoking, challenging, stimulating, maybe a little infuriating.
Stimulating, challenging, infuriating.
Sounds like fun to me.
No matter what happens in court, I don't want you to be mad at me.
-I don't want you to be mad at me.
-Don't worry.
-That's not gonna be a problem.
-What do you mean? Well, nothing.
I just-- I'm pretty sure that's not gonna be a problem.
Sounds like you're sure you're gonna win this case.
Pretty doggone sure.
Well, so am I.
Good luck, sir.
-Good luck, sir.
-Thank you.
Addison, go get them.
-Take care, sir.
-I'll see you.
Keep cool with the girls.
-You bet.
My boss, the cat burglar.
Where have you been? Miner's Ball? I thought you were gone for the evening.
You think the writers' let you snoop without me catching you? David, I'm sorry, I broke in your office.
I guess I was nervous and just wanted to reassure myself.
-I know there's really no excuse.
-You're right.
Find anything amusing? I'd hardly call it amusing.
In fact, I'm shocked.
-I'm shocked.
-Well, I'm outraged.
-Wait, I'm outraged.
-I'm worse than outraged.
I'm sickened.
How could you break into a doctor's office? -How could you break into my office? -You scuzball.
I did my job the best way I know.
-You violated this woman.
You stole records so Neil's lawyer could go through here find words like "agitate," "confused" so she'd seem unstable and paranoid.
-It says "paranoid"? -All she did was go for counselling.
David, I never, ever thought that I would say it, but this is beneath you.
What's beneath me is you.
I don't like it.
-I apologise.
-Spare me your apologies.
-Spare me your coy invitations.
-Spare me your sermons.
-What you did was criminal.
-How about if I have you arrested? You don't have any office anymore.
You're fired.
-Again? You can't fire me.
-Then you're suspended.
Indefinitely, without pay.
How about this option, I quit and you're fired.
Who do you think you're talking to? Telling me I'm fired.
What am I, suspended without pay? I said, "Excuse me, here's a new option for you, I fire you.
You're fired.
I quit.
You see? She didn't know what hit her.
-She knew what hit her.
-Excuse me? -Hi.
-My name is Ann Pines.
David Addison.
-You're working on the Fass case? -Yes.
A friend of mine who works there, said you were calling about it and she said it I knew anything that I should come here.
Please have a seat.
Do you have information about this case? Well, I wasn't a witness to anything, actually.
Do you know Robin Fuller? In a way, I do.
She was the one who took my job after Neil Fass fired me because I wouldn't sleep with him.
-Two briefcases? -How's it going out there? The boys are grumbling about how you've thrown Mr.
Addison to the wolves.
-I didn't throw him to the wolves.
-I told them that.
I told them that you didn't even throw him to the dogs.
-Thank you.
-Miss Hayes -where'd you throw him? -I didn't throw him anywhere.
Anyway, I didn't see any weapons on anybody.
You're gonna make it to court in one piece.
Just what I needed today, a palace revolt.
You're going to be okay, Miss Hayes.
Two briefcases.
Yes, Agnes.
There's not a thing in either one that's gonna help us.
-No? -No.
We have nothing on Neil Fass.
And David Addison has whatever he has on Robin Fuller.
Are you saying that we're gonna lose this case? I'm preparing myself for that possibility.
Yes, Agnes.
Miss Hayes.
Remember, you took this case on principle.
An important principle.
So that we just have to tell ourselves, "it's okay, whatever happens.
" Even if we lose this battle the important thing is to keep on fighting.
Well, we showed her.
-Hi, Robin, Martha.
Two briefcases? -I'm rearing to go.
-The lions.
One next to Fass is Assistant DA, Bernie Gordon.
-I don't recognise the Ray-Ban ad.
-He's their investigator.
How about our investigator? Well, we've proved beyond a doubt that Robin's work record is unimpeachable.
-I'm familiar with it.
-And we have 24 character witnesses.
I've got Who's Who of American Advertising Women right here.
Maddie, do we have anything on Neil Fass? No.
I'm really sorry.
it's not for lack of trying.
I'm sure you did your best.
There's something else.
What? The other side has something to use against you.
Some records of a hospital stay for personal reasons.
-Oh, at Harborhurst.
I was having a very difficult time then.
I'd just finished moving and I was under a lot of stress, my mother died.
What I mostly did was play tennis.
Men and dirt, they were made for each other.
Robin, we agreed innocent or bust.
But after hearing this, we're a little short on muscle.
l'd like to offer to plea to reduce the charge of assault with probation.
That's the best we can walk out with.
Martha, Miss Fuller.
In the mood for any thumb wrestling, counsellor? Ground rules, we're talking a loaded firearm, dozen and a half witnesses intent, property damage and Mr.
Fass' doctor reports he won't be teeing off golf balls for the foreseeable future.
Best I can do is come down to six months' incarceration.
There can't be any need for incarceration in this case.
That's my bottom line.
Excuse me, Mr.
Fass, can I talk to you for a minute? -Sure.
-Just for a minute.
-Excuse us.
-Excuse us.
You're joking, right? Why would I wanna drop the charges? Well, let's just say you got a big heart.
And also, because I had a visitor last night.
It was actually an old friend of yours, Miss Ann Pines.
She dropped off some reading literature.
A-- Heck did she call it? --Affidavit.
Something about putting out for the boss not being in her job description.
Well? Yeah, wait a minute.
Just a second.
You're fired.
Twice in 12 hours.
I'm getting pretty good at this.
What? Mr.
Fass informs me that in a spirit of forgiveness and generosity for all the defendant has undergone, he has decided not to press charges.
You're dropping the charges? -I can walk out of here scot-free? -Scot-free.
-No trial.
-No trial.
No charges, no record, no change of heart? So case closed? Just one more thing.
God! You should have gotten the good foot.
Congratulations, we did it.
David did it.
Excuse me.
Wait a minute, David.
-What is it? -What was in that envelope? -What envelope? -The one you showed Neil Fass.
One look at it, and he turned to powdered milk.
Let's just say Robin wasn't the first to find out the fast track ran through Neil's bedroom.
Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to be alone.
You got what you want.
You won.
-Big deal.
-No, David, you won.
Whether you wanna believe it or not, you did the right thing.
Robin was vindicated.
You just don' t get it, do you? Let me ask you a question.
Do you think I would withhold evidence that I would cheat, just to beat you? -No.
-Well, you're wrong.
I did, I cheated.
I shredded Ann Pines affidavit.
I don't care whether Robin Fuller was vindicated or not.
I didn't care until I saw her crying.
It broke my heart.
But I don't care.
You know what I care about? You, every time you look at me, thinking you see Neil Fass.
-No, I don't.
-Yes, you do.
Neil Fass came on to someone who didn't want him to.
David, if it wasn't the affidavit, what was in the envelope? -Chain letter I got in the mail.
It's unlucky to break the chain.
I just don't think Neil Fass has 20 friends.
I don't want you to leave.
Ought to be a snap filling that job.
I'll never think that little of you, I'll never break into your office.
I promise that you won't have to sleep with the boss to get this promotion.
-What promotion? -I want you to be my partner.
-Your equal partner? -Equal partner.
Forget about it.
-Good morning.
I can throw away the vacancy sign now.
Wonder how Viola was gonna redecorate.
David, as much as we go at each other, I'm really glad you're back.
Shrewd decision.
I figured, why not graduate from underling to overling.
From no account to expense account.
-You haven't forgotten our agreement? -Our agreement? -Equals.
-How could I forget? -What's this? -Something for your signature.
My lawyer drew it up.
The worth of the business and the value of a 50 percent equity position.
What's that? Where you put your ankles behind your equity? A partnership, David.
-A lot of hieroglyphics.
-I told him to be as fair as possible.
Well, you're the fairest.
I told him that you'd get an equal share of the business.
Well, equal being the magic word.
I think he came up with a reasonable price.
-Price? -Of your share.
-The buy in? -How much? I think it's on page 10.
I think it's a hell of a deal.
I might be willing to discuss the terms.
You know, once and for all, finally and forever.
Warts and all.
Warts? I haven't touched a frog in weeks.
Quarks, faults.
-I haven't touched a frog in weeks.
-Quarks, faults .
Well, you were right on that cue, though.
-I haven't touched a frog in weeks.
-Quarks, faults-- I can't say that line.
Don't bulldoze a bulldozer and don't kid a kidder.
I know you.
I know who you are.
And I know what's going on in that honeycombed, beehive of a-- -Of a head.
-Head of yours.
-Of a wig hat you got on.
-Honey-blond noggin.
You do? Sure I do.
Sure, you dames are all alike.
I'm poison to you.
See, poison.
Maddie, don't bulldoze a bulldozer and don't kid a kidder.
I know you.
I know who you are.
I know what's going on in that noggin.
-You do? -Absolutely.
Even though your lips are saying, "David, I'm not mad.
" Your hands wanna get around my neck and choke me for coming-- **** me- Hank and Cissy.
We're from the High School Reunion-- --Committee.
We're the Skipsquads.
Well, I'm Hank, this is Cissy We're from the High School-- I'm Hank, this is Cissy.
We're from the High School Reunion Committee.
We're in Tina's-- it's gonna take a lot more than some clown with a ditty-- Do you have any idea where we might locate her? You can't.
My sister's dead.
-I see you're real broken up about it.
-I'm sorry.
Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? Betraying my-- --husband for the man who butchered him? Feel pretty bad, I guess, huh? -You son of a *****.
-Hey, Tesco.
Hey, that's a good luck, ****, all right? Is there poop on me? Peculiar weather we have in here.