Moonshine (2021) s02e04 Episode Script
Call of the Kraken
1
LIDIA: Previously on "Moonshine."
Dad dug up a license plate
he thinks had something to do
with my birth mom. Got a name.
And an address.
OSCAR: I need you to get me
a $15K installment
by the end of the week. Back taxes.
Cash transactions,
hard to track, easy to inflate.
How do you feel about bingo?
The time has come for
a spiritual purge, people.
Welcome to the first official episode
of "Milk Crate Confessionals".
LIDIA: I've got a fix for N-36.
- You're a natural.
- Kinda loved it.
You better be careful.
You'll get hooked.
NORA: Well, Foxton,
the people have spoken.
You want more dirty details
of my chronic bad decisions
and you got it.
Welcome back
to another edition of
"Milk Crate Confessionals".
Okay, uh
oh man
okay.
Coldplay. "Rush of Blood
to the Head" tour shirt.
Now, I have dished on some
of my most
effed-up relationships,
but this baby, oof,
this will take us on a ride
with a FEMA-worthy disaster I had
with a self-destructive
narcissist with great tits.
Me! Circa 2003.
Now, the good news,
22-year-old Nora is long gone.
Why?
Because we are not chained
to our former selves.
It is a new day, lovers,
so, get out the lube
and get on a horse.
It's 9:00 a.m. somewhere.
The gum of business professionals.
(PACKAGE CRINKLES)
(RADIO PLAYS IN BACKGROUND)
Hmm.
(RADIO CLICKS OFF)
(GUM SQUISHES)
Hello, Mr. Car Dealership Man,
I may have no credit history
and no clean criminal record,
and I definitely do not have
enough money for a down payment
but I did just pass my GED
and I am well on my way
to a prosperous business venture.
All I need is 0% APR financing.
Thank you for your time.
(GUM SQUISHES)
- (HANDS CLAPPING)
- Whoa! So profesh!
(GIGGLES)
I'd totally do business with you.
(SQUEALS)
You're gonna wear pants though, right?
Uh, duh!
- I am a businesswoman. (LAUGHS)
- Ah!
Ah! (LAUGHS)
This is my life, this is my life ♪
This is my life, my life ♪
This is my life, this is my life, ♪
This is my life, my life ♪
(DISTANT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER)
♪
FELICIA: I'm gettin' major
Joan Jett vibes
by way of a mid-town mommy about to
cheap-whiskey her life off a cliff.
So, now I'm seeing you when I'm sober.
(CHUCKLES)
And I happen to like Joan Jett.
She's a badass.
Which makes me a badass.
Hmm. Fleecing the local bingo brigade.
Oh, a little money laundering
for the greater good.
A victimless crime.
To be honest,
not as hard as I thought.
Hmm. You know what's hard?
Bunkmate Bertha.
Women's prison, Snowflake.
What happened to
"Fight the ocean, Lidia."
'Cause right now,
the ocean is the Moonshine's
overdue tax bill.
That's right, I just made
the ocean my bitch.
Besides, it was a one-time thing.
Someone had to step up.
Goin' rogue, eh? Lyin' to your family.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
All feels a little familiar,
doesn't it?
♪
NORA: And remember, you know,
it doesn't count
if you don't count it.
So uh, this upcoming,
uninterrupted,
half hour of dad rock,
is brought to you by Pepe's Pizza.
Unofficial sponsor of the dad bod.
(SILENCES MUSIC IN STUDIO,
HEADPHONES RATTLE)
Brought you a date with kale.
(CUP CLATTERS)
It's dates and kale.
(SLURPS BRIEFLY, SWALLOWS HARD)
Is this meant to be a peace offering,
or are you punishing me?
Because that tastes like punishment.
Okay, I know that
I wasn't supportive of you
exposing every detail
of our personal life over the radio.
(LONG INHALE) But I tuned in.
And?
You've really got somethin' here.
Not that I need a man's approval,
but I'll take it.
You can keep that.
I brought ya something else. (SIGHS)
What?
I think you are gonna
like it even less. (SIGHS)
Okay?
Followed up on the vandalized
billboard. (SIGHS)
It's Lidia's biker boyfriend, right?
Gale Favreau's record
is squeaky clean.
But every time the guy
leaves the province,
there's trouble in New Brunswick.
Hijackings, arson, robbery.
So, we have a criminal, who
we can't prove is a criminal,
which means I can't scare
Lidia out of his bed.
It doesn't mean that
we can't scare him
out of hers. I mean maybe
don't know if the cops
were hanging around, you know.
'Cause he's not gonna jeopardize
his entire criminal enterprise
for her. She's not that hot.
So, just hang around the club
and send a message.
(SEDUCTIVE MUSIC)
I'm understaffed as it is, okay?
- Oh, are you understaffed?
- Yeah.
What can I do to change your mind?
- (LONG EXHALE)
- Well, fine.
Mm-hm?
(TROWEL THUDDING, DIRT SPLATTERING)
It's called gardening, Hun,
not a prison shanking.
I brought you oat cakes.
- My favourite.
- I know.
- Oh, my God, Mom!
- (CHUCKLES)
Nobody makes them like you.
Well, don't wear yourself out, Kiddo.
Hey, hold on!
Quick operations question.
You want advice?
This is new.
The Foxton Thespian Society
claims you let them use
The Shore Club to rehearse
their summer play, for free?
End of summer play already?
They're screwing with me, right?
You know, (CLEARS THROAT)
I uh flirted with the idea
of acting. (CHUCKLES)
When I was a young woman.
What did you charge them
so I know to double it
for lying to me.
They're not lying.
I let them have it for free.
The bar tab makes it well worth it.
Well, I cannot wait to see
a little one
running around The Moonshine again.
Take it easy, Hun!
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)
♪
MAN: I want my money back. It stinks.
Well, why don't you just
close the window?
- Close your window!
- (SLAMS RECEIVER)
Snacks packed. Playlist set.
I lifted a little Moonshine merch
to welcome your bio mom
into the fam jam!
And a little actual
Moonshine for funsies.
Wait, uh you wanna go now?
Now is literally
the only time that exists,
little brother.
Ryan, I uh
I-I appreciate your enthusiasm,
I-I just wanna go on my own
time, okay?
Oh. Don't overthink this with
that big, juicy brain of yours.
Just be like me. Don't think at all!
Just do!
- (WORRIED SIGH)
- Please.
Do you know what?
- Okay.
- Yeah!
- But I choose the playlist.
- That's usually a dealbreaker,
but today's the All-Sammy,
all-the-time power hour!
Road trip!
Where do you think you're going?
To the road!
Long weekend during high season?
Considered that.
Which is why I already did
the mid-day rounds.
Oscar's on firewood,
Eleanor is womaning the chip shack,
Finn's on seaweed dutes.
I got this so covered, even
you could take the day off!
Is he snorting uppers again?
- We'll be back! Eventually.
- What?
- I hope.
- Next stop, destiny.
Well, actually, next stop,
smokes, then Timmy Ho's,
and then destiny.
(EXHAUSTED YAWN)
(DOOR CLUNKS OPEN, THEN SHUTS)
(SUNGLASSES RATTLE)
♪
♪
(CAR RUMBLES, BRAKES SQUEAK)
LIDIA: Oh shit.
(CAR RUMBLES)
♪
LIDIA: Hey Gale, it's Lidz.
Slidin' into your VM. Ha!
Uh, I know work must be cray-cray,
'cause its seems
like you're outta town,
and the cops are sniffing around.
But I really need to pick up
my cut of the bingo money,
so, call me back. Okay, bye.
(FEET SHUFFLE, GRAVEL CRUNCHES)
Oh! (MUMBLES) Work must be cray. Oh!
Hey. You okay?
- You're pacing. Like, a lot.
- Ha.
Can I ask you a personal question,
- but you gotta be honest?
- Of course.
Do you think I'm a reckless mess?
- (CUP CLUNKS)
- Uh
well, your eyeliner does say
it's last call,
and I'm so horny that buddy
with the lazy eye looks hot.
But you will always be my role model.
Thank you?
I'm the one that's a mess.
Like, I'm trying to start
this new business,
but then oh, never mind. I'm sorry.
You're busy with your pacing
so I'll
No, no, no. Tell me.
Okay, the business
is called "Crystal Clean"
where I, Crystal, come and clean.
- Makes sense.
- Yeah.
What's the problem?
Well, it's a mobile cleaning
service, so I need mobility.
You know, something big enough
for a vacuum, industrial mops,
maybe someday, more employees.
- (MAGAZINE CRINKLES)
- Look at her!
Isn't she beautiful?
Yes!
Unfortunately, I was not able
to secure financing
at the dealership,
when they found out that my
last name is LeBlanc.
You know people think
criminalness is genetic.
Like male-pattern baldness,
but with guns.
I was literally born to be a crook.
(PLANE ZOOMS OVERHEAD)
(CLEARS THROAT) Apropos of nothing,
uh, say you needed
to break into a location
and said location was being
surveilled by the cops,
how would you go about doing that?
How many entrances are there?
Are we taking day or night?
Digital security or ugmo
with walkie-talkies? Wait
does this have something to do
with your like, hot biker guy?
(INHALES) Cone of silence.
(ARMS SWISH)
(LIDIA INHALES DEEPLY)
(GRAVEL CRUNCHES)
I needed money to pay off
our overdue tax bill.
So, Gale and I
- (WHISPERS) laundered money.
- Oh.
Now Gale's MIA,
his place is being watched
by the cops,
and I promised Nora I'd stay clear
because she's worried
Gale's dangerous,
- even though he's like, so not.
- So, you need a sheep?
- New to the crime lingo.
- Oh. (LAUGHS)
Okay. Um, well, like
when I was little,
my mom would get me to pretend
to be lost in the mall
to pickpocket anyone who
tried to stop and help me,
because no one suspects
an eight-year-old girl in pigtails.
A sheep. Mm-hmm. Hmm.
How much do you need for that van?
(GRUNTS) A ton.
Like, 1,200 dollars.
I can loan you $1,200.
For real?
'Cause it would be amazing
if I got that van.
- I already have the nails.
- For real.
I would just need a teensy,
weensy favour in return.
- (CLAPS HANDS)
- I mean, genuinely anything.
- Yeah?
- Yeah!!
Who's the queen? Ha, ha, ha!
(CAN RATTLES, PAINT OOZES,
SPRAY HISSES)
♪
Well, it's norm-core chic,
without the chic.
It's more than I ever
could've imagined
in my wildest dreams!
LIDIA: From a branding perspective,
it'll definitely stand out.
- (CRYSTAL GIGGLES)
- ELEANOR: Can I go now?
- Yeah.
- (FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)
You know, for the first time
in my life,
I feel like I have
a legitimate future.
- Mm-hmm.
- Now
let's go break into your biker
boyfriend's crime den,
- and get that dirty money out!
- Okay!
Yeah! Woo!
- (HANDS CLAP LOUDLY)
- Wah!
I'm impressed. I've never
seen someone sleep standing up
with a phone to their ear before.
(SLAPS HAND HARSHLY) Ah!
Fudge is for guests.
(RECEIVER CLUNKS)
- (PEN CLACKS)
- What are you doing here?
Have you seen Lidz?
She's not at her trailer or the beach.
Or in her right mind.
I saw her in the parking lot
with Crystal earlier,
painting some hideous pink van.
- Seemed sketchy.
- Of course it did.
(EXHAUSTED YAWN)
You're a deadite. Who is on shift?
- (SLEEPY) Oscar.
- Oscar.
(OSCAR GRUNTS OUTSIDE)
Come on! Come on! Come on!
Hey! Your future kid's
parents only have 39 digits.
Don't make it any less!
Put some shoes on, dimwit!
- (OSCAR GRUNTS)
- (WOOD CRACKS) Oh!
- I can't.
- (EXHAUSTED SIGH)
Okay, Blinky, go lay down.
I'll cover the desk.
- Really?
- Yes.
Scram, before I change my mind.
Okay.
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDE SLOWLY,
BEADS JINGLE)
Okay. I can do this.
This is bad.
- (FUDGE SQUISHES)
- (PHONE RINGS)
Okay.
It's me. Okay, um
(PHONE RINGS, RECEIVER CLUNKS)
Moonshine?
(VAN RUMBLES)
LIDIA: Great, cops are still here.
(VAN RUMBLES)
LIDIA: Be cool.
We're just here to clean.
CRYSTAL: Oh yeah. I'm on it.
(STRESSED EXHALE)
- (CUTS ENGINE)
- Okay, let's recap.
Get inside, locate the $15K.
Could be anywhere, so you're
gonna have to search the place.
Okay, anything goes wrong, text me.
- What for?
- Emotional support, obviously!
It's just my mom used to say
if anything went wrong,
to say I was an orphan.
I would never leave you.
- Hmm, okay?
- Yeah. Okay! (GIGGLES)
- (DOOR CLUNKS OPEN)
- Okay.
- (DOOR CLUNKS CLOSED)
- LIDIA: Oh yeah.
- (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
- (FOOTSTEPS TAP CONFIDENTLY)
(DOORS CREAK OPEN)
(BUCKET AND MOP RATTLE)
(DOOR CLUNKS CLOSED)
♪
Oh, hi!
(SUPPLIES RATTLING)
♪
(KEYS RATTLING)
(DOOR LOCK RELEASES)
- (DOOR CREAKS OPEN)
- Oh! Yes!
BEA: That monster is dead!
But I fear it can drown ya still!
I fear you see me and think
me a broken vessel.
(PAPER CRINKLES)
- What?
- It's the end of summer play.
I'm not asking for Brando.
I'm asking you to have fun.
Why can't my fun be fixing
the water heater?
Because this is the first
chance that I've had
to have a life outside
of the kids and The Moonshine.
And I'd prefer not to do it
with a wrench up my ass.
Okay, fine. You go first.
(GASPS) You know what?
(PAPERS RUSTLING)
Forget it! This is my thing.
- I'll audition on my own!
- (CHAIR RASPS)
(DOOR CLUNKS THEN SLAMS)
(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)
(GASPS)
- Oh!
- (DOOR SHUTS)
(GIGGLES AND CLAPS QUICKLY)
C'mon! C'mon! C'mon! C'mon! (GIGGLING)
- Ha!
- (CLEANING SUPPLIES RATTLING)
- (FOOTSTEPS THUD THEN STOP)
- Crystal.
Hi! Terry!
(SEAT CREAKS)
TERRY: May I ask what you're
doing here?
Um, I think my new van says it all.
- Crystal Clean?
- Yes.
I have left The Moonshine
to become a business magnet.
This is my first corporate gig.
When Crystal Cleans,
your place is Crystal Clean.
It's cute, right?
What's in the bag?
This bag? Uh dirty biker garbage?
(KNOWING INHALE) Would you
open it for me, please?
You sure? It's pretty grody.
Yeah.
If you insist!
(BAG CRINKLES, ITEMS CLATTER)
- Actually
- (BAG CRINKLES)
Would you mind dropping this
off at the dump for me?
'Cause it is right on the way
to the station.
- (CHUCKLES, ANNOYED)
- Thank you so much!
More places to clean, ya know?
(DOOR CREAKS OPEN, SLAMS SHUT)
(VAN RUMBLES)
- (SEAT RATTLES)
- What took so long in there?
I was starting to get worried.
Can't risk getting a bad Yelp
review on my first gig.
Did you find the cash?
(VAN RUMBLES)
CRYSTAL: Check out what I vacuumed up.
(FOOTSTEPS SHUFFLE, STOOL CLATTERS)
Oh!
(VACUUM PARTS RATTLING)
- Oh!
- I hid it in the subwoofer.
- Tale as old as time.
- Ah!
(ZIPPER WHIZZES)
(MONEY CRINKLES)
LIDIA: Holy shit.
It's not just my 15 G's,
this is everything from Bingo.
There must be $150,000 in here.
Huh.
- (SCOFFS)
- (PHONE RINGS)
(BAG RATTLES)
Oh, crap boss,
that looks like a burner.
What's a burner?
It's a disposable phone
that criminals use
so authorities can't track
their criminalness.
- Do not pick it up.
- What if it's Gale?
What if he's in trouble
and this is his only form
of communication?
His voicemail is full
and I'm running out
of casually-inquisitive emojis
for my texts.
I've already used
the monocle one twice.
- Lidia, no! No! No!
- (SWEETLY) Gale?
(NERVOUS) No? Oh, okay.
Gale Favreau's burner phone,
how may I direct your call? Oh.
LIDIA: Uh, okay, um when you say
by end of day, or else,
do you mean uh, end of business day?
- Or
- (MARKER RASPS)
Well, I mean, I guess
I could drop it by
since Gale's tied up.
- (OMINOUS MUSIC)
- (SCOFFS) No!
I don't have him at gunpoint,
he's my, sort of boyfriend.
It's complicated.
Hello?
Who was it?
I'm guessing it's the gentleman
that Gale's been cleaning
this money for.
- He was very curt.
- Oh.
- What?
- Just this is bad!
You can't just scoop
someone else's drop!
This is serious, Lidia.
I'm not scooping anyone's drop.
This is a thoughtful gesture
for my new boyfriend.
Uh, was Gale being thoughtful
squeezing you out
of a bigger cut of the profits?
(INHALES NERVOUSLY)
I'm sorry to be the one
to tell you this,
but the house usually gets 30 percent.
Well, the bingo thing was his deal.
I just supplied the venue.
I agreed to the service fee.
Right and put your family's
business at risk.
Like, if you get caught,
he walks away,
and you're the one that goes down.
Gale is MIA, Crystal.
Maybe the curt gentleman
knows where he is.
Either way, he wants his money, stat,
and I know Gale
would do the same for me.
I really feel like this a
positive turning point
in our relationship.
And in my professional life.
(ENGINE RUMBLES)
♪
♪
♪
(JEEP SLOWS)
(BRAKES SQUEAK)
(CUTS ENGINE)
♪
SAMMY: (SIGHS) Yeah,
we don't even know
if this is the place.
We don't know it's not!
It's the address we got from
the Jesus Bus registration.
(SIGHS) I dunno.
What if she doesn't wanna be found?
But you've been waiting to find out
what's behind that door,
your whole life.
Now you're here.
Either way, you're gonna have
to rip off that bandage.
Yeah I don't think I can.
- Then I'll do it for ya.
- No, wait.
- No!
- Ryan, get back in the car!
- Ryan! Get back in the car.
- (HANDS TAPPING ON HOOD)
Ryan! Wait!
At least put on a shirt!
(FOOTSTEPS SHUFFLE)
(WORRIED EXHALE)
♪
(SHIRT RUFFLES,
FOOTSTEPS TAP UP STEPS)
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
(INDISTINCT DISTANT LAUGHTER)
(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)
(INDISTINCT DISTANT LAUGHTER)
(TRAFFIC HUMS)
(BIRDS CHIRP)
♪
♪
♪
RYAN: It's where the lady
at the house said
we could find her.
♪
My deepest sympathy, Bro.
We don't even know
if Viola was my mom.
We don't know she wasn't.
Hey Viola, I'm Ryan.
Sammy's brother.
It's a real bummer you weren't
around to get to know him.
He's a legend.
Loves spaghetti and meatballs.
He's left-handed.
Um loves Celine Dion. (CHUCKLES)
He's one of those weirdos that
likes to wake up before 9 a.m.
Oh, and we call him Saint Sammy
'cause one time
Can we just go?
(BOTTLE CAP RASPS)
Up yer kilt, Viola.
What are you doing?
Oh!
Honouring your dead, maybe bio
mom, Moonshine style.
(ALCOHOL SPLATTERS)
Or using this as an excuse
to drink 80 proof grain alcohol
- before noon.
- I'm grieving!
You're grieving?
Are you seriously making this
about you, Ryan?
No! No, this was your idea
to come and find her
- in the first place.
- Exactly! Just an idea!
You're the one who pushed me
to come here,
to get in that stupid canoe,
to find things I probably
didn't need to.
You have no real stakes in this, Ryan!
Your pain is my pain,
little brother. Bring it in.
No, don't touch me!
- Come here, man!
- Get off!
What're you doing?!
S Sammy!
And by the way, Celine Dion
is your favourite!
Not mine!
Hey, hey, Sammy, com'ere! Com'ere!
This is not healthy, man!
- You need to come and mourn
- Don't touch me!
Don't push me, Sammy.
You know that's a bad idea
if you push me!
(SAMMY SCREAMS,
RUNNING FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
- (HANDS THUD TO CHEST)
- Ow!
- I swear, if you, if you-
- (THUDDING BLOW)
- Ow! Sammy! I love you!
- (SAMMY GRUNTS)
Sammy! Stop it!
This is crazy oh!
- Ahhhh!
- Okay! Okay, Buddy!
(GRUNTING)
That's right, let it out, Sammy!
(FORCEFUL SLAPS)
Let it out there, Buddy!
(SEAWEED PLOPS HEAVILY)
It is one job I do not miss.
Yeah, definitely feels Sisyphean.
Huh, that's a $10 word.
Hey, maybe you can make
heads or tails of this.
What is it?
It's a play about a giant, evil squid.
Your Grandma wants us
to broaden our mind.
Or learn new things. Huh.
What's there to learn Aabout a squid,
other than how to not make
it so chewy on a grill?
Red wine vinegar.
(WAVES LAP)
(READS) "I thought it would be
done when I felled the Kraken.
Strange that I still long
for a glimpse
of her dark tentacles."
It's actually pretty deep.
It's a reversal of the classic
Ahab archetype.
My AP English studied Moby Dick
through a Gestalt perspective
last year.
Slow down, Kid!
I majored in wood shop
and skippin' math.
(CHUCKLES) Okay, so
Ahab was obsessed
with killing Moby Dick.
It was his only life goal,
and he fails.
So, this Melvin in your play,
he has the same obsession
but he actually succeeds.
He felled the Kraken.
So, he's-he's happy.
Well, I
I think he feels like his
adventures are over.
Which breaks his wife's heart
'cause she wants them to find
new adventures together.
(WAVES LAP)
So, he's a stubborn ass.
Who doesn't realize
that his wife just wants to
spend more time with him.
Yeah. Pretty much.
(WAVES LAP)
(WIND CHIME CLACKS GENTLY)
- (VAN RUMBLES)
- (OMINOUS MUSIC)
(BRAKES SQUEAK)
(GEARSHIFT CLUNKS, CUTS ENGINE)
(DOORS CREAK OPEN)
(DOORS CLUNK CLOSED)
(LIGHT FOOTSTEPS)
(DOG BARKS IN THE DISTANCE)
Anybody here?
Uh, w-we spoke on the burner phone?
- (GIGGLES NERVOUSLY)
- MAN: (GUN COCKS) Hands up!
Mouths shut! Both: Whoa!
If anyone's gonna be talkin' today
it's my girl.
MAN: Now, now, sit! Sit on the couch!
(GUN RATTLES)
- (PLASTIC CRINKLES)
- It's a little treat for you
from the sweetest bakery
in Mahone Bay.
- (ZIPPER WHIZZES)
- Where's Gale?
- Uh, we're here on his behalf.
- We are his known associates.
Bullshit! He wouldn't send
two old blondes to a drop.
- (GASPS)
- Old?
No, I'm sorry, we look amazing!
- At least we own a toothbrush.
- (COCKS GUN)
Ooh, it's okay, it's okay.
It's fine. It's fine.
I think we all just got off
on the wrong foot.
We don't even know your name.
- Ted.
- Ted.
Is that short for Theodore?
Oh, God, I love that name.
Was actually on my list
of names for my son.
- I didn't know that!
- (COCKS GUN)
Uh how 'bout we make a deal?
Gun for a butter tart?
And I'll forget ya called me
old. (CHUCKLES)
Get talkin'! Who are ya
and whad'ja do with my guy?
Oh, well, I'm Lidia.
Or Lidz, as the cool kids call me.
- (GIGGLES)
- And this is Crystal.
- Hi.
- Uh here's the thing, Ted.
I'm more than just Gale's associate.
- She's also a boss babe.
- Oh!
He cut you in? First I heard.
Well, I provided the venue
for the money laundering,
and in return, I got a cut.
- 10 percent.
- House usually takes 30.
They don't teach ya math skills
at finishin' school there, Princess?
God. Nora was right.
I'm working with another man
I'm sleeping with,
and putting his needs ahead of my own,
only to be deprived of my fair
share of the profit,
and the recognition.
Why do I keep doing this?
What in the good God jeez
is she talkin' about?
Shh! She is having
a breakthrough, dipshit!
You are realizing that this
might be an opportunity,
to be like your own boss!
And cut out the middle man,
just like I did!
Oh God, I always knew that we
were cosmetic sisters.
Hey, don't forget my girl!
No one's forgetting, Ted.
And you just reminded me
of a very valuable lesson.
Oh yeah?
- What's that?
- Why pay retail
when you can go straight
to the manufacturer?
If I was driving the deals,
I-I could cover The Moonshine's
tax debt
and make enough cash for the rebuild!
Why make 10 percent when you
can make all the percents?!
- (GASPS) Yeah!
- (HAPPY EXHALES)
- Whaddya say, Ted?
- Do you ever shut up?
Not really.
(CABLE TIES ZIP)
LIDIA: Hmm.
(ENGINE RUMBLES)
(BUTTON CLICKS, RADIO PLAYS)
- Lookin' up to see ♪
- (CLICKS RADIO OFF)
Really?
We're not talking?
All right, I cannot talk, too.
I'm all about the not-talkin', Sammy.
You know me. Being one
with great silence.
(JEEP RUMBLES TO A STOP)
- Dude! Dude, road pee?
- (SEATBELT CLATTERS)
You read my bladder!
Ye-ah! (DOOR SLAMS CLOSED)
(SINGING)
(ZIPPER WHIZZES)
RYAN: Oh yeah.
(BAG CRASHES)
(TIRES SQUEAL)
Hey, Sammy!
Sam, what are you doing, Sammy?
Sammy!
Come on, man!
- Sammy!
- (SOBBING)
Sammy!
(SCRIPT CRINKLING)
(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)
(DOOR CREAKS OPEN THEN SHUTS)
"Storm's a-comin'!"
Too little, too late.
"I thought it'd be done
when I felled the Kraken.
Strange that I still pray
for a glimpse of her dark tentacles."
(SIGHS)
"Pulling her lifeless carcass ashore,
I felt more satisfaction than
I reckon this man deserves."
"Rest your weary mind, Melvin,
and come to bed."
"My bed should be at
the bottom of a cold sea
with the rest of my men."
"Your bed is here, goddamn it!
With your warm-blooded wife
in the sheets.
That monster is dead,
but I fear he can drown ya still."
"I fear that you see me,
and think me a broken vessel."
"I see the sailor that I married.
A man that could strangle a tuna
with his bare hands.
Scarred chest glistenin'.
With harpoon stiff and
ready with vigour."
This is hot!
Stay in character.
"Meet me in the captain's
quarters Doris."
(BEA EXHALES WITH EXCITEMENT)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(HAIR RUSTLES)
Whew.
Oh, sailor
- (KEN SNORES)
- (DEFEATED EXHALE)
♪
Ugh.
(BEADS JINGLING)
(SNIFFS)
Hmm.
(WAVES LAP, SEAGULLS CRY)
(BEER BURBLES)
- You did all that?
- Relax.
Why did you help me?
'Cause people change.
And now you owe me, biatch.
Our sister has gone off
the rails, okay?
At some point, I am gonna
have to call in the big guns.
I'm a big gun?
I know you ate more guest fudge.
TED: Hmm.
Mm-mm. Doesn't look good.
(LONG INHALE) Well, sorry, Ladies.
There's no way to check your story.
So, I'll probably have to
get rid o' you.
- By murder.
- (GASP)
Ugh. I mean, you know my location,
my work, my legal name.
(MUMBLES)
I think that she wants
to say something.
- Mm-hmm.
- Shocker.
- (GUN RATTLES)
- All right.
(RELIEVED SIGH)
Ted, six weeks ago,
I was living in Brooklyn,
running a successful boutique
architecture firm.
Going to Pilates, five days a week.
God, I miss that.
(LONG INHALE) And somehow,
I wound up here.
(GIGGLES)
Dropping off money that I laundered
with a biker that I don't
really know
who may be burying bodies
under three-inch maple.
But me? I'm no threat.
I'm just trying to save
my family's campground.
I'm on a mission for good.
- (GUN RATTLES)
- Ah!
(COCKS GUN)
Whoa! How'd the hell'd ya do that?
My pinky acrylic is a blade.
Just one of the skills that
I learned from my mother.
My name is Crystal LeBlanc.
You're a LeBlanc? Yeah right!
Oh, I'm sorry, do you really
wanna take the chance
- that I'm not?
- Uh
- Uh
- (GUN CLICKS)
You shoulda said who you are sooner.
And um
sorry I called you old there, ma'am.
Ma'am? Ugh. Now I am insulted.
- Let's get outta here.
- (GUN RATTLES)
CRYSTAL: Go, go, go, go, go.
(VAN RUMBLES)
♪
OSCAR: Huh? Heh, heh.
- (PLATES CLANG)
- (SIGHS)
Pregnancy is the best thing
that has ever happened to me.
(CHUCKLES)
Rhian I
I don't think I'm cut out for this.
(CHAIR CREAKS)
Are you trying to leave me right now?
No! No, Sweetheart, no.
I
I miss being a cop.
Oh, Babe!
You deserve to be happy.
Okay. Thank you.
So what're you thinkin'?
I was thinking I could um
help out at Foxton PD.
Not the worst idea.
(OSCAR'S PHONE BUZZES)
- Everything okay, Hun?
- Yeah, yeah.
Just an old work colleague
checking in.
Can I get more garlic sauce?
I have no patience for dry donair.
- You got it, Babe.
- (NAPKIN CRINKLES)
(DOOR CREAKS AND SLAMS)
Shit!
(VAN RUMBLES)
You know what flashed before my eyes
when I thought it was all over?
- Your kids' faces?
- No.
Someone else's kids' faces?
The day I married Daniel.
Oh. That's nice.
- It wasn't.
- Oh.
I knew in my heart
it was wrong but I
pushed my instincts down,
clenched my way through a 200-person,
five-course dinner.
Quail legs were involved.
And then, launched into
a choreographed first dance
to "It Takes Two".
If I'd just listened
to the little voice
screaming inside my head
I could've avoided 20 years
of impersonating the woman
I thought I should be.
I did have a really great
dress, though.
Only thing I don't regret
about that marriage.
And my kids.
Well
now you can be whoever you want.
Well, apparently, not a badass.
- (GIGGLES)
- I was a mess back there.
We're only alive because of you.
You
were incredible.
Who was that?
Oh, you know, my-my mother
did not nurture me
in the traditional,
or even the literal, sense,
but I'm realizing that her neglect
did teach me how to survive.
That is worth something, I guess.
That's worth a lot.
Yeah!
Are we gonna jump into
these butter tarts, or not?
- Oh, my God, yes! Ah!
- Eeee!
Almost dying must burn
tons of calories.
- Oh, my God, so many.
- (BOTH GIGGLE)
- Ah!
- (CRYSTAL'S PHONE BUZZES)
Mmm!
Oh, um, it is a business call.
- I will take it outside.
- Okay.
- (DOOR CLUNKS OPEN)
- Oh, God.
Whew.
JILL: I heard you used my name
today to get outta trouble.
Hello Mom, so nice to see your voice.
I saved your ass and now, you owe me.
You bet it's gonna cost you
more than spicy beef ramen
and a root colour.
(RECEIVER RATTLES THEN CLUNKS)
Oh, fudgsicles!
(VAN RUMBLES)
NORA: I told you about
the worst version of Nora.
But today, I met a new Nora.
One who did something she
swore she would never do.
Put in a shift at The Moonshine.
And do you know what?
It was just as mind-numbing
as I feared.
So why the Hell did I do it?
Because I am exploring a new me.
If you wanna change,
you can't be afraid of a little
spiritual death, people.
Anyway, here's a little jam
that says it better than I ever could.
- "Don't fear the reaper, Baby."
- (SLIDE CONTROL CLICKS)
♪
(WATER HISSES)
♪
All our times have come
Hmm.
Here but now they're gone ♪
Seasons don't fear the reaper ♪
Nor do the wind,
the sun or the rain ♪
We can be like they are ♪
Come on, Baby,
don't fear the reaper ♪
Baby take my hand,
don't fear the reaper ♪
You'll be able to fly
don't fear the reaper ♪
Baby, I'm your man ♪
(GUITAR RIFF)
La, la, la, la, la ♪
♪
La, la, la, la, la ♪
♪
♪
(DOOR CLICKS OPEN)
So, what's the big ducking emergency?
Did you by chance deliver the money
for the back taxes?
Direct deposit, Baby.
- Nobody ever needs to know.
- Okay,
I just wish you would've
checked in with me first.
I did check in. You said get the $15K.
I said get the $15K, not pay the $15K.
I was gonna have a buddy on the inside
quietly credit and close
the account on the down-low.
But now, your random direct
deposit, out of nowhere,
has gotten the account
flagged by the higher-ups.
Well, can't you just unflag it?
That is not how the government works.
You're on their radar now.
Oh, and it turns out
that that $15K tax installment
you just paid is only
for the past five years.
♪
The Moonshine has been in
arrears for the past 20.
What?
How did we not know about this?
My RCMP investigation only
went back to 2015.
(SIGHS)
If the outstanding balance
isn't taken care of
- (DEFEATED EXHALE)
- in the next 30 days,
the government will behead
this family business
and sell its bleeding limbs for parts.
(PANICKED EXHALE)
SO how much're we talkin' here, Oscar,
like 100 Grand?
Two?
- Three?
- 350.
The Moonshine owes $350,000
in back taxes?!
Plus interest and penalties.
Oh, my God.
(PANICKED EXHALE) Ugh!
(ICE CLINKS IN GLASS) (FELICIA LAUGHS)
(CIGARETTE SIZZLES)
- Game on.
- (SHARP EXHALE)
OSCAR: Lidia.
- Lidia!
- Huh?
These are end times, okay,
If this isn't taken care of,
The Moonshine (SNAPS FINGER) gone!
(CIGARETTE SIZZLES)
Don't look at me like that.
- OSCAR: Huh?
- (STUNNED EXHALES)
♪
Nothing.
LIDIA: Previously on "Moonshine."
Dad dug up a license plate
he thinks had something to do
with my birth mom. Got a name.
And an address.
OSCAR: I need you to get me
a $15K installment
by the end of the week. Back taxes.
Cash transactions,
hard to track, easy to inflate.
How do you feel about bingo?
The time has come for
a spiritual purge, people.
Welcome to the first official episode
of "Milk Crate Confessionals".
LIDIA: I've got a fix for N-36.
- You're a natural.
- Kinda loved it.
You better be careful.
You'll get hooked.
NORA: Well, Foxton,
the people have spoken.
You want more dirty details
of my chronic bad decisions
and you got it.
Welcome back
to another edition of
"Milk Crate Confessionals".
Okay, uh
oh man
okay.
Coldplay. "Rush of Blood
to the Head" tour shirt.
Now, I have dished on some
of my most
effed-up relationships,
but this baby, oof,
this will take us on a ride
with a FEMA-worthy disaster I had
with a self-destructive
narcissist with great tits.
Me! Circa 2003.
Now, the good news,
22-year-old Nora is long gone.
Why?
Because we are not chained
to our former selves.
It is a new day, lovers,
so, get out the lube
and get on a horse.
It's 9:00 a.m. somewhere.
The gum of business professionals.
(PACKAGE CRINKLES)
(RADIO PLAYS IN BACKGROUND)
Hmm.
(RADIO CLICKS OFF)
(GUM SQUISHES)
Hello, Mr. Car Dealership Man,
I may have no credit history
and no clean criminal record,
and I definitely do not have
enough money for a down payment
but I did just pass my GED
and I am well on my way
to a prosperous business venture.
All I need is 0% APR financing.
Thank you for your time.
(GUM SQUISHES)
- (HANDS CLAPPING)
- Whoa! So profesh!
(GIGGLES)
I'd totally do business with you.
(SQUEALS)
You're gonna wear pants though, right?
Uh, duh!
- I am a businesswoman. (LAUGHS)
- Ah!
Ah! (LAUGHS)
This is my life, this is my life ♪
This is my life, my life ♪
This is my life, this is my life, ♪
This is my life, my life ♪
(DISTANT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER)
♪
FELICIA: I'm gettin' major
Joan Jett vibes
by way of a mid-town mommy about to
cheap-whiskey her life off a cliff.
So, now I'm seeing you when I'm sober.
(CHUCKLES)
And I happen to like Joan Jett.
She's a badass.
Which makes me a badass.
Hmm. Fleecing the local bingo brigade.
Oh, a little money laundering
for the greater good.
A victimless crime.
To be honest,
not as hard as I thought.
Hmm. You know what's hard?
Bunkmate Bertha.
Women's prison, Snowflake.
What happened to
"Fight the ocean, Lidia."
'Cause right now,
the ocean is the Moonshine's
overdue tax bill.
That's right, I just made
the ocean my bitch.
Besides, it was a one-time thing.
Someone had to step up.
Goin' rogue, eh? Lyin' to your family.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
All feels a little familiar,
doesn't it?
♪
NORA: And remember, you know,
it doesn't count
if you don't count it.
So uh, this upcoming,
uninterrupted,
half hour of dad rock,
is brought to you by Pepe's Pizza.
Unofficial sponsor of the dad bod.
(SILENCES MUSIC IN STUDIO,
HEADPHONES RATTLE)
Brought you a date with kale.
(CUP CLATTERS)
It's dates and kale.
(SLURPS BRIEFLY, SWALLOWS HARD)
Is this meant to be a peace offering,
or are you punishing me?
Because that tastes like punishment.
Okay, I know that
I wasn't supportive of you
exposing every detail
of our personal life over the radio.
(LONG INHALE) But I tuned in.
And?
You've really got somethin' here.
Not that I need a man's approval,
but I'll take it.
You can keep that.
I brought ya something else. (SIGHS)
What?
I think you are gonna
like it even less. (SIGHS)
Okay?
Followed up on the vandalized
billboard. (SIGHS)
It's Lidia's biker boyfriend, right?
Gale Favreau's record
is squeaky clean.
But every time the guy
leaves the province,
there's trouble in New Brunswick.
Hijackings, arson, robbery.
So, we have a criminal, who
we can't prove is a criminal,
which means I can't scare
Lidia out of his bed.
It doesn't mean that
we can't scare him
out of hers. I mean maybe
don't know if the cops
were hanging around, you know.
'Cause he's not gonna jeopardize
his entire criminal enterprise
for her. She's not that hot.
So, just hang around the club
and send a message.
(SEDUCTIVE MUSIC)
I'm understaffed as it is, okay?
- Oh, are you understaffed?
- Yeah.
What can I do to change your mind?
- (LONG EXHALE)
- Well, fine.
Mm-hm?
(TROWEL THUDDING, DIRT SPLATTERING)
It's called gardening, Hun,
not a prison shanking.
I brought you oat cakes.
- My favourite.
- I know.
- Oh, my God, Mom!
- (CHUCKLES)
Nobody makes them like you.
Well, don't wear yourself out, Kiddo.
Hey, hold on!
Quick operations question.
You want advice?
This is new.
The Foxton Thespian Society
claims you let them use
The Shore Club to rehearse
their summer play, for free?
End of summer play already?
They're screwing with me, right?
You know, (CLEARS THROAT)
I uh flirted with the idea
of acting. (CHUCKLES)
When I was a young woman.
What did you charge them
so I know to double it
for lying to me.
They're not lying.
I let them have it for free.
The bar tab makes it well worth it.
Well, I cannot wait to see
a little one
running around The Moonshine again.
Take it easy, Hun!
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)
♪
MAN: I want my money back. It stinks.
Well, why don't you just
close the window?
- Close your window!
- (SLAMS RECEIVER)
Snacks packed. Playlist set.
I lifted a little Moonshine merch
to welcome your bio mom
into the fam jam!
And a little actual
Moonshine for funsies.
Wait, uh you wanna go now?
Now is literally
the only time that exists,
little brother.
Ryan, I uh
I-I appreciate your enthusiasm,
I-I just wanna go on my own
time, okay?
Oh. Don't overthink this with
that big, juicy brain of yours.
Just be like me. Don't think at all!
Just do!
- (WORRIED SIGH)
- Please.
Do you know what?
- Okay.
- Yeah!
- But I choose the playlist.
- That's usually a dealbreaker,
but today's the All-Sammy,
all-the-time power hour!
Road trip!
Where do you think you're going?
To the road!
Long weekend during high season?
Considered that.
Which is why I already did
the mid-day rounds.
Oscar's on firewood,
Eleanor is womaning the chip shack,
Finn's on seaweed dutes.
I got this so covered, even
you could take the day off!
Is he snorting uppers again?
- We'll be back! Eventually.
- What?
- I hope.
- Next stop, destiny.
Well, actually, next stop,
smokes, then Timmy Ho's,
and then destiny.
(EXHAUSTED YAWN)
(DOOR CLUNKS OPEN, THEN SHUTS)
(SUNGLASSES RATTLE)
♪
♪
(CAR RUMBLES, BRAKES SQUEAK)
LIDIA: Oh shit.
(CAR RUMBLES)
♪
LIDIA: Hey Gale, it's Lidz.
Slidin' into your VM. Ha!
Uh, I know work must be cray-cray,
'cause its seems
like you're outta town,
and the cops are sniffing around.
But I really need to pick up
my cut of the bingo money,
so, call me back. Okay, bye.
(FEET SHUFFLE, GRAVEL CRUNCHES)
Oh! (MUMBLES) Work must be cray. Oh!
Hey. You okay?
- You're pacing. Like, a lot.
- Ha.
Can I ask you a personal question,
- but you gotta be honest?
- Of course.
Do you think I'm a reckless mess?
- (CUP CLUNKS)
- Uh
well, your eyeliner does say
it's last call,
and I'm so horny that buddy
with the lazy eye looks hot.
But you will always be my role model.
Thank you?
I'm the one that's a mess.
Like, I'm trying to start
this new business,
but then oh, never mind. I'm sorry.
You're busy with your pacing
so I'll
No, no, no. Tell me.
Okay, the business
is called "Crystal Clean"
where I, Crystal, come and clean.
- Makes sense.
- Yeah.
What's the problem?
Well, it's a mobile cleaning
service, so I need mobility.
You know, something big enough
for a vacuum, industrial mops,
maybe someday, more employees.
- (MAGAZINE CRINKLES)
- Look at her!
Isn't she beautiful?
Yes!
Unfortunately, I was not able
to secure financing
at the dealership,
when they found out that my
last name is LeBlanc.
You know people think
criminalness is genetic.
Like male-pattern baldness,
but with guns.
I was literally born to be a crook.
(PLANE ZOOMS OVERHEAD)
(CLEARS THROAT) Apropos of nothing,
uh, say you needed
to break into a location
and said location was being
surveilled by the cops,
how would you go about doing that?
How many entrances are there?
Are we taking day or night?
Digital security or ugmo
with walkie-talkies? Wait
does this have something to do
with your like, hot biker guy?
(INHALES) Cone of silence.
(ARMS SWISH)
(LIDIA INHALES DEEPLY)
(GRAVEL CRUNCHES)
I needed money to pay off
our overdue tax bill.
So, Gale and I
- (WHISPERS) laundered money.
- Oh.
Now Gale's MIA,
his place is being watched
by the cops,
and I promised Nora I'd stay clear
because she's worried
Gale's dangerous,
- even though he's like, so not.
- So, you need a sheep?
- New to the crime lingo.
- Oh. (LAUGHS)
Okay. Um, well, like
when I was little,
my mom would get me to pretend
to be lost in the mall
to pickpocket anyone who
tried to stop and help me,
because no one suspects
an eight-year-old girl in pigtails.
A sheep. Mm-hmm. Hmm.
How much do you need for that van?
(GRUNTS) A ton.
Like, 1,200 dollars.
I can loan you $1,200.
For real?
'Cause it would be amazing
if I got that van.
- I already have the nails.
- For real.
I would just need a teensy,
weensy favour in return.
- (CLAPS HANDS)
- I mean, genuinely anything.
- Yeah?
- Yeah!!
Who's the queen? Ha, ha, ha!
(CAN RATTLES, PAINT OOZES,
SPRAY HISSES)
♪
Well, it's norm-core chic,
without the chic.
It's more than I ever
could've imagined
in my wildest dreams!
LIDIA: From a branding perspective,
it'll definitely stand out.
- (CRYSTAL GIGGLES)
- ELEANOR: Can I go now?
- Yeah.
- (FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)
You know, for the first time
in my life,
I feel like I have
a legitimate future.
- Mm-hmm.
- Now
let's go break into your biker
boyfriend's crime den,
- and get that dirty money out!
- Okay!
Yeah! Woo!
- (HANDS CLAP LOUDLY)
- Wah!
I'm impressed. I've never
seen someone sleep standing up
with a phone to their ear before.
(SLAPS HAND HARSHLY) Ah!
Fudge is for guests.
(RECEIVER CLUNKS)
- (PEN CLACKS)
- What are you doing here?
Have you seen Lidz?
She's not at her trailer or the beach.
Or in her right mind.
I saw her in the parking lot
with Crystal earlier,
painting some hideous pink van.
- Seemed sketchy.
- Of course it did.
(EXHAUSTED YAWN)
You're a deadite. Who is on shift?
- (SLEEPY) Oscar.
- Oscar.
(OSCAR GRUNTS OUTSIDE)
Come on! Come on! Come on!
Hey! Your future kid's
parents only have 39 digits.
Don't make it any less!
Put some shoes on, dimwit!
- (OSCAR GRUNTS)
- (WOOD CRACKS) Oh!
- I can't.
- (EXHAUSTED SIGH)
Okay, Blinky, go lay down.
I'll cover the desk.
- Really?
- Yes.
Scram, before I change my mind.
Okay.
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDE SLOWLY,
BEADS JINGLE)
Okay. I can do this.
This is bad.
- (FUDGE SQUISHES)
- (PHONE RINGS)
Okay.
It's me. Okay, um
(PHONE RINGS, RECEIVER CLUNKS)
Moonshine?
(VAN RUMBLES)
LIDIA: Great, cops are still here.
(VAN RUMBLES)
LIDIA: Be cool.
We're just here to clean.
CRYSTAL: Oh yeah. I'm on it.
(STRESSED EXHALE)
- (CUTS ENGINE)
- Okay, let's recap.
Get inside, locate the $15K.
Could be anywhere, so you're
gonna have to search the place.
Okay, anything goes wrong, text me.
- What for?
- Emotional support, obviously!
It's just my mom used to say
if anything went wrong,
to say I was an orphan.
I would never leave you.
- Hmm, okay?
- Yeah. Okay! (GIGGLES)
- (DOOR CLUNKS OPEN)
- Okay.
- (DOOR CLUNKS CLOSED)
- LIDIA: Oh yeah.
- (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
- (FOOTSTEPS TAP CONFIDENTLY)
(DOORS CREAK OPEN)
(BUCKET AND MOP RATTLE)
(DOOR CLUNKS CLOSED)
♪
Oh, hi!
(SUPPLIES RATTLING)
♪
(KEYS RATTLING)
(DOOR LOCK RELEASES)
- (DOOR CREAKS OPEN)
- Oh! Yes!
BEA: That monster is dead!
But I fear it can drown ya still!
I fear you see me and think
me a broken vessel.
(PAPER CRINKLES)
- What?
- It's the end of summer play.
I'm not asking for Brando.
I'm asking you to have fun.
Why can't my fun be fixing
the water heater?
Because this is the first
chance that I've had
to have a life outside
of the kids and The Moonshine.
And I'd prefer not to do it
with a wrench up my ass.
Okay, fine. You go first.
(GASPS) You know what?
(PAPERS RUSTLING)
Forget it! This is my thing.
- I'll audition on my own!
- (CHAIR RASPS)
(DOOR CLUNKS THEN SLAMS)
(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)
(GASPS)
- Oh!
- (DOOR SHUTS)
(GIGGLES AND CLAPS QUICKLY)
C'mon! C'mon! C'mon! C'mon! (GIGGLING)
- Ha!
- (CLEANING SUPPLIES RATTLING)
- (FOOTSTEPS THUD THEN STOP)
- Crystal.
Hi! Terry!
(SEAT CREAKS)
TERRY: May I ask what you're
doing here?
Um, I think my new van says it all.
- Crystal Clean?
- Yes.
I have left The Moonshine
to become a business magnet.
This is my first corporate gig.
When Crystal Cleans,
your place is Crystal Clean.
It's cute, right?
What's in the bag?
This bag? Uh dirty biker garbage?
(KNOWING INHALE) Would you
open it for me, please?
You sure? It's pretty grody.
Yeah.
If you insist!
(BAG CRINKLES, ITEMS CLATTER)
- Actually
- (BAG CRINKLES)
Would you mind dropping this
off at the dump for me?
'Cause it is right on the way
to the station.
- (CHUCKLES, ANNOYED)
- Thank you so much!
More places to clean, ya know?
(DOOR CREAKS OPEN, SLAMS SHUT)
(VAN RUMBLES)
- (SEAT RATTLES)
- What took so long in there?
I was starting to get worried.
Can't risk getting a bad Yelp
review on my first gig.
Did you find the cash?
(VAN RUMBLES)
CRYSTAL: Check out what I vacuumed up.
(FOOTSTEPS SHUFFLE, STOOL CLATTERS)
Oh!
(VACUUM PARTS RATTLING)
- Oh!
- I hid it in the subwoofer.
- Tale as old as time.
- Ah!
(ZIPPER WHIZZES)
(MONEY CRINKLES)
LIDIA: Holy shit.
It's not just my 15 G's,
this is everything from Bingo.
There must be $150,000 in here.
Huh.
- (SCOFFS)
- (PHONE RINGS)
(BAG RATTLES)
Oh, crap boss,
that looks like a burner.
What's a burner?
It's a disposable phone
that criminals use
so authorities can't track
their criminalness.
- Do not pick it up.
- What if it's Gale?
What if he's in trouble
and this is his only form
of communication?
His voicemail is full
and I'm running out
of casually-inquisitive emojis
for my texts.
I've already used
the monocle one twice.
- Lidia, no! No! No!
- (SWEETLY) Gale?
(NERVOUS) No? Oh, okay.
Gale Favreau's burner phone,
how may I direct your call? Oh.
LIDIA: Uh, okay, um when you say
by end of day, or else,
do you mean uh, end of business day?
- Or
- (MARKER RASPS)
Well, I mean, I guess
I could drop it by
since Gale's tied up.
- (OMINOUS MUSIC)
- (SCOFFS) No!
I don't have him at gunpoint,
he's my, sort of boyfriend.
It's complicated.
Hello?
Who was it?
I'm guessing it's the gentleman
that Gale's been cleaning
this money for.
- He was very curt.
- Oh.
- What?
- Just this is bad!
You can't just scoop
someone else's drop!
This is serious, Lidia.
I'm not scooping anyone's drop.
This is a thoughtful gesture
for my new boyfriend.
Uh, was Gale being thoughtful
squeezing you out
of a bigger cut of the profits?
(INHALES NERVOUSLY)
I'm sorry to be the one
to tell you this,
but the house usually gets 30 percent.
Well, the bingo thing was his deal.
I just supplied the venue.
I agreed to the service fee.
Right and put your family's
business at risk.
Like, if you get caught,
he walks away,
and you're the one that goes down.
Gale is MIA, Crystal.
Maybe the curt gentleman
knows where he is.
Either way, he wants his money, stat,
and I know Gale
would do the same for me.
I really feel like this a
positive turning point
in our relationship.
And in my professional life.
(ENGINE RUMBLES)
♪
♪
♪
(JEEP SLOWS)
(BRAKES SQUEAK)
(CUTS ENGINE)
♪
SAMMY: (SIGHS) Yeah,
we don't even know
if this is the place.
We don't know it's not!
It's the address we got from
the Jesus Bus registration.
(SIGHS) I dunno.
What if she doesn't wanna be found?
But you've been waiting to find out
what's behind that door,
your whole life.
Now you're here.
Either way, you're gonna have
to rip off that bandage.
Yeah I don't think I can.
- Then I'll do it for ya.
- No, wait.
- No!
- Ryan, get back in the car!
- Ryan! Get back in the car.
- (HANDS TAPPING ON HOOD)
Ryan! Wait!
At least put on a shirt!
(FOOTSTEPS SHUFFLE)
(WORRIED EXHALE)
♪
(SHIRT RUFFLES,
FOOTSTEPS TAP UP STEPS)
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
(INDISTINCT DISTANT LAUGHTER)
(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)
(INDISTINCT DISTANT LAUGHTER)
(TRAFFIC HUMS)
(BIRDS CHIRP)
♪
♪
♪
RYAN: It's where the lady
at the house said
we could find her.
♪
My deepest sympathy, Bro.
We don't even know
if Viola was my mom.
We don't know she wasn't.
Hey Viola, I'm Ryan.
Sammy's brother.
It's a real bummer you weren't
around to get to know him.
He's a legend.
Loves spaghetti and meatballs.
He's left-handed.
Um loves Celine Dion. (CHUCKLES)
He's one of those weirdos that
likes to wake up before 9 a.m.
Oh, and we call him Saint Sammy
'cause one time
Can we just go?
(BOTTLE CAP RASPS)
Up yer kilt, Viola.
What are you doing?
Oh!
Honouring your dead, maybe bio
mom, Moonshine style.
(ALCOHOL SPLATTERS)
Or using this as an excuse
to drink 80 proof grain alcohol
- before noon.
- I'm grieving!
You're grieving?
Are you seriously making this
about you, Ryan?
No! No, this was your idea
to come and find her
- in the first place.
- Exactly! Just an idea!
You're the one who pushed me
to come here,
to get in that stupid canoe,
to find things I probably
didn't need to.
You have no real stakes in this, Ryan!
Your pain is my pain,
little brother. Bring it in.
No, don't touch me!
- Come here, man!
- Get off!
What're you doing?!
S Sammy!
And by the way, Celine Dion
is your favourite!
Not mine!
Hey, hey, Sammy, com'ere! Com'ere!
This is not healthy, man!
- You need to come and mourn
- Don't touch me!
Don't push me, Sammy.
You know that's a bad idea
if you push me!
(SAMMY SCREAMS,
RUNNING FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
- (HANDS THUD TO CHEST)
- Ow!
- I swear, if you, if you-
- (THUDDING BLOW)
- Ow! Sammy! I love you!
- (SAMMY GRUNTS)
Sammy! Stop it!
This is crazy oh!
- Ahhhh!
- Okay! Okay, Buddy!
(GRUNTING)
That's right, let it out, Sammy!
(FORCEFUL SLAPS)
Let it out there, Buddy!
(SEAWEED PLOPS HEAVILY)
It is one job I do not miss.
Yeah, definitely feels Sisyphean.
Huh, that's a $10 word.
Hey, maybe you can make
heads or tails of this.
What is it?
It's a play about a giant, evil squid.
Your Grandma wants us
to broaden our mind.
Or learn new things. Huh.
What's there to learn Aabout a squid,
other than how to not make
it so chewy on a grill?
Red wine vinegar.
(WAVES LAP)
(READS) "I thought it would be
done when I felled the Kraken.
Strange that I still long
for a glimpse
of her dark tentacles."
It's actually pretty deep.
It's a reversal of the classic
Ahab archetype.
My AP English studied Moby Dick
through a Gestalt perspective
last year.
Slow down, Kid!
I majored in wood shop
and skippin' math.
(CHUCKLES) Okay, so
Ahab was obsessed
with killing Moby Dick.
It was his only life goal,
and he fails.
So, this Melvin in your play,
he has the same obsession
but he actually succeeds.
He felled the Kraken.
So, he's-he's happy.
Well, I
I think he feels like his
adventures are over.
Which breaks his wife's heart
'cause she wants them to find
new adventures together.
(WAVES LAP)
So, he's a stubborn ass.
Who doesn't realize
that his wife just wants to
spend more time with him.
Yeah. Pretty much.
(WAVES LAP)
(WIND CHIME CLACKS GENTLY)
- (VAN RUMBLES)
- (OMINOUS MUSIC)
(BRAKES SQUEAK)
(GEARSHIFT CLUNKS, CUTS ENGINE)
(DOORS CREAK OPEN)
(DOORS CLUNK CLOSED)
(LIGHT FOOTSTEPS)
(DOG BARKS IN THE DISTANCE)
Anybody here?
Uh, w-we spoke on the burner phone?
- (GIGGLES NERVOUSLY)
- MAN: (GUN COCKS) Hands up!
Mouths shut! Both: Whoa!
If anyone's gonna be talkin' today
it's my girl.
MAN: Now, now, sit! Sit on the couch!
(GUN RATTLES)
- (PLASTIC CRINKLES)
- It's a little treat for you
from the sweetest bakery
in Mahone Bay.
- (ZIPPER WHIZZES)
- Where's Gale?
- Uh, we're here on his behalf.
- We are his known associates.
Bullshit! He wouldn't send
two old blondes to a drop.
- (GASPS)
- Old?
No, I'm sorry, we look amazing!
- At least we own a toothbrush.
- (COCKS GUN)
Ooh, it's okay, it's okay.
It's fine. It's fine.
I think we all just got off
on the wrong foot.
We don't even know your name.
- Ted.
- Ted.
Is that short for Theodore?
Oh, God, I love that name.
Was actually on my list
of names for my son.
- I didn't know that!
- (COCKS GUN)
Uh how 'bout we make a deal?
Gun for a butter tart?
And I'll forget ya called me
old. (CHUCKLES)
Get talkin'! Who are ya
and whad'ja do with my guy?
Oh, well, I'm Lidia.
Or Lidz, as the cool kids call me.
- (GIGGLES)
- And this is Crystal.
- Hi.
- Uh here's the thing, Ted.
I'm more than just Gale's associate.
- She's also a boss babe.
- Oh!
He cut you in? First I heard.
Well, I provided the venue
for the money laundering,
and in return, I got a cut.
- 10 percent.
- House usually takes 30.
They don't teach ya math skills
at finishin' school there, Princess?
God. Nora was right.
I'm working with another man
I'm sleeping with,
and putting his needs ahead of my own,
only to be deprived of my fair
share of the profit,
and the recognition.
Why do I keep doing this?
What in the good God jeez
is she talkin' about?
Shh! She is having
a breakthrough, dipshit!
You are realizing that this
might be an opportunity,
to be like your own boss!
And cut out the middle man,
just like I did!
Oh God, I always knew that we
were cosmetic sisters.
Hey, don't forget my girl!
No one's forgetting, Ted.
And you just reminded me
of a very valuable lesson.
Oh yeah?
- What's that?
- Why pay retail
when you can go straight
to the manufacturer?
If I was driving the deals,
I-I could cover The Moonshine's
tax debt
and make enough cash for the rebuild!
Why make 10 percent when you
can make all the percents?!
- (GASPS) Yeah!
- (HAPPY EXHALES)
- Whaddya say, Ted?
- Do you ever shut up?
Not really.
(CABLE TIES ZIP)
LIDIA: Hmm.
(ENGINE RUMBLES)
(BUTTON CLICKS, RADIO PLAYS)
- Lookin' up to see ♪
- (CLICKS RADIO OFF)
Really?
We're not talking?
All right, I cannot talk, too.
I'm all about the not-talkin', Sammy.
You know me. Being one
with great silence.
(JEEP RUMBLES TO A STOP)
- Dude! Dude, road pee?
- (SEATBELT CLATTERS)
You read my bladder!
Ye-ah! (DOOR SLAMS CLOSED)
(SINGING)
(ZIPPER WHIZZES)
RYAN: Oh yeah.
(BAG CRASHES)
(TIRES SQUEAL)
Hey, Sammy!
Sam, what are you doing, Sammy?
Sammy!
Come on, man!
- Sammy!
- (SOBBING)
Sammy!
(SCRIPT CRINKLING)
(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)
(DOOR CREAKS OPEN THEN SHUTS)
"Storm's a-comin'!"
Too little, too late.
"I thought it'd be done
when I felled the Kraken.
Strange that I still pray
for a glimpse of her dark tentacles."
(SIGHS)
"Pulling her lifeless carcass ashore,
I felt more satisfaction than
I reckon this man deserves."
"Rest your weary mind, Melvin,
and come to bed."
"My bed should be at
the bottom of a cold sea
with the rest of my men."
"Your bed is here, goddamn it!
With your warm-blooded wife
in the sheets.
That monster is dead,
but I fear he can drown ya still."
"I fear that you see me,
and think me a broken vessel."
"I see the sailor that I married.
A man that could strangle a tuna
with his bare hands.
Scarred chest glistenin'.
With harpoon stiff and
ready with vigour."
This is hot!
Stay in character.
"Meet me in the captain's
quarters Doris."
(BEA EXHALES WITH EXCITEMENT)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(HAIR RUSTLES)
Whew.
Oh, sailor
- (KEN SNORES)
- (DEFEATED EXHALE)
♪
Ugh.
(BEADS JINGLING)
(SNIFFS)
Hmm.
(WAVES LAP, SEAGULLS CRY)
(BEER BURBLES)
- You did all that?
- Relax.
Why did you help me?
'Cause people change.
And now you owe me, biatch.
Our sister has gone off
the rails, okay?
At some point, I am gonna
have to call in the big guns.
I'm a big gun?
I know you ate more guest fudge.
TED: Hmm.
Mm-mm. Doesn't look good.
(LONG INHALE) Well, sorry, Ladies.
There's no way to check your story.
So, I'll probably have to
get rid o' you.
- By murder.
- (GASP)
Ugh. I mean, you know my location,
my work, my legal name.
(MUMBLES)
I think that she wants
to say something.
- Mm-hmm.
- Shocker.
- (GUN RATTLES)
- All right.
(RELIEVED SIGH)
Ted, six weeks ago,
I was living in Brooklyn,
running a successful boutique
architecture firm.
Going to Pilates, five days a week.
God, I miss that.
(LONG INHALE) And somehow,
I wound up here.
(GIGGLES)
Dropping off money that I laundered
with a biker that I don't
really know
who may be burying bodies
under three-inch maple.
But me? I'm no threat.
I'm just trying to save
my family's campground.
I'm on a mission for good.
- (GUN RATTLES)
- Ah!
(COCKS GUN)
Whoa! How'd the hell'd ya do that?
My pinky acrylic is a blade.
Just one of the skills that
I learned from my mother.
My name is Crystal LeBlanc.
You're a LeBlanc? Yeah right!
Oh, I'm sorry, do you really
wanna take the chance
- that I'm not?
- Uh
- Uh
- (GUN CLICKS)
You shoulda said who you are sooner.
And um
sorry I called you old there, ma'am.
Ma'am? Ugh. Now I am insulted.
- Let's get outta here.
- (GUN RATTLES)
CRYSTAL: Go, go, go, go, go.
(VAN RUMBLES)
♪
OSCAR: Huh? Heh, heh.
- (PLATES CLANG)
- (SIGHS)
Pregnancy is the best thing
that has ever happened to me.
(CHUCKLES)
Rhian I
I don't think I'm cut out for this.
(CHAIR CREAKS)
Are you trying to leave me right now?
No! No, Sweetheart, no.
I
I miss being a cop.
Oh, Babe!
You deserve to be happy.
Okay. Thank you.
So what're you thinkin'?
I was thinking I could um
help out at Foxton PD.
Not the worst idea.
(OSCAR'S PHONE BUZZES)
- Everything okay, Hun?
- Yeah, yeah.
Just an old work colleague
checking in.
Can I get more garlic sauce?
I have no patience for dry donair.
- You got it, Babe.
- (NAPKIN CRINKLES)
(DOOR CREAKS AND SLAMS)
Shit!
(VAN RUMBLES)
You know what flashed before my eyes
when I thought it was all over?
- Your kids' faces?
- No.
Someone else's kids' faces?
The day I married Daniel.
Oh. That's nice.
- It wasn't.
- Oh.
I knew in my heart
it was wrong but I
pushed my instincts down,
clenched my way through a 200-person,
five-course dinner.
Quail legs were involved.
And then, launched into
a choreographed first dance
to "It Takes Two".
If I'd just listened
to the little voice
screaming inside my head
I could've avoided 20 years
of impersonating the woman
I thought I should be.
I did have a really great
dress, though.
Only thing I don't regret
about that marriage.
And my kids.
Well
now you can be whoever you want.
Well, apparently, not a badass.
- (GIGGLES)
- I was a mess back there.
We're only alive because of you.
You
were incredible.
Who was that?
Oh, you know, my-my mother
did not nurture me
in the traditional,
or even the literal, sense,
but I'm realizing that her neglect
did teach me how to survive.
That is worth something, I guess.
That's worth a lot.
Yeah!
Are we gonna jump into
these butter tarts, or not?
- Oh, my God, yes! Ah!
- Eeee!
Almost dying must burn
tons of calories.
- Oh, my God, so many.
- (BOTH GIGGLE)
- Ah!
- (CRYSTAL'S PHONE BUZZES)
Mmm!
Oh, um, it is a business call.
- I will take it outside.
- Okay.
- (DOOR CLUNKS OPEN)
- Oh, God.
Whew.
JILL: I heard you used my name
today to get outta trouble.
Hello Mom, so nice to see your voice.
I saved your ass and now, you owe me.
You bet it's gonna cost you
more than spicy beef ramen
and a root colour.
(RECEIVER RATTLES THEN CLUNKS)
Oh, fudgsicles!
(VAN RUMBLES)
NORA: I told you about
the worst version of Nora.
But today, I met a new Nora.
One who did something she
swore she would never do.
Put in a shift at The Moonshine.
And do you know what?
It was just as mind-numbing
as I feared.
So why the Hell did I do it?
Because I am exploring a new me.
If you wanna change,
you can't be afraid of a little
spiritual death, people.
Anyway, here's a little jam
that says it better than I ever could.
- "Don't fear the reaper, Baby."
- (SLIDE CONTROL CLICKS)
♪
(WATER HISSES)
♪
All our times have come
Hmm.
Here but now they're gone ♪
Seasons don't fear the reaper ♪
Nor do the wind,
the sun or the rain ♪
We can be like they are ♪
Come on, Baby,
don't fear the reaper ♪
Baby take my hand,
don't fear the reaper ♪
You'll be able to fly
don't fear the reaper ♪
Baby, I'm your man ♪
(GUITAR RIFF)
La, la, la, la, la ♪
♪
La, la, la, la, la ♪
♪
♪
(DOOR CLICKS OPEN)
So, what's the big ducking emergency?
Did you by chance deliver the money
for the back taxes?
Direct deposit, Baby.
- Nobody ever needs to know.
- Okay,
I just wish you would've
checked in with me first.
I did check in. You said get the $15K.
I said get the $15K, not pay the $15K.
I was gonna have a buddy on the inside
quietly credit and close
the account on the down-low.
But now, your random direct
deposit, out of nowhere,
has gotten the account
flagged by the higher-ups.
Well, can't you just unflag it?
That is not how the government works.
You're on their radar now.
Oh, and it turns out
that that $15K tax installment
you just paid is only
for the past five years.
♪
The Moonshine has been in
arrears for the past 20.
What?
How did we not know about this?
My RCMP investigation only
went back to 2015.
(SIGHS)
If the outstanding balance
isn't taken care of
- (DEFEATED EXHALE)
- in the next 30 days,
the government will behead
this family business
and sell its bleeding limbs for parts.
(PANICKED EXHALE)
SO how much're we talkin' here, Oscar,
like 100 Grand?
Two?
- Three?
- 350.
The Moonshine owes $350,000
in back taxes?!
Plus interest and penalties.
Oh, my God.
(PANICKED EXHALE) Ugh!
(ICE CLINKS IN GLASS) (FELICIA LAUGHS)
(CIGARETTE SIZZLES)
- Game on.
- (SHARP EXHALE)
OSCAR: Lidia.
- Lidia!
- Huh?
These are end times, okay,
If this isn't taken care of,
The Moonshine (SNAPS FINGER) gone!
(CIGARETTE SIZZLES)
Don't look at me like that.
- OSCAR: Huh?
- (STUNNED EXHALES)
♪
Nothing.