Mount Pleasant (2011) s01e07 Episode Script

They've taken our wedding photo.
Marry me, Denise.
Please.
Shall we just cut to the chase? Shall we? Hi! God.
I best go.
Don't go, you always bloody go.
I'm sorry, I'm actually married.
So am I.
Have you seen Greg? Pink or black? What? Her knickers.
Whose knickers? Hers! Well, you must be imagining something sat there with your tongue hanging half out.
Have a good morning.
Don't be late.
Mum and Dad are coming over, remember.
What for this time? Bathroom door knob need a polish? The list for the party.
We're going through it.
Rock and roll! How could I forget? Morning.
Hi, Dan.
Fold the egg whites into the chocolate mix.
Really gently tease that egg white Such a rarity.
What? Creative as well as attractive.
The two just don't normally mix, do they? It's the way she folds in those egg whites without losing a square inch of air.
It's the sole reason why her macaroons end up so squidgy.
Pure genius.
Thanks.
I won't be long.
How long? An hour or so, if that.
Will you be OK? You'll be OK, won't you? I'll live.
I think.
Hey, these are a good idea! I can think of better ones, my love.
Not exactly up there with the dishwasher tablets.
Simmer down, smart Alec.
I meant for our party.
Plastic cups for our party? We are talking the same party? Married for 40 years to the most precious lady on the planet.
I'll be wanting a bit more than plastic.
It saves on the washing up and smashed glasses.
You know what your Terry's like once he's had a couple of pints.
God, do you remember Auntie Win's 90th? Took me half the night to get his grubby little hands off my backside.
The man's a sex pest.
He's just got good taste, princess.
Remember, Sue, God loves a tryer.
Hey! Good night? Bits I can remember, yeah.
Don't know how you do it.
On a school night, too.
I'd be in a right mess.
My mum calls me "There's no one in" when I've got a hangover.
Only when you've got a hangover? Talia, there's ten new jobs in from Bolton Electric.
Put them on the website.
I've already done it.
Have you? Brilliant! I got in early.
Tried to show some initiative.
I've got my appraisal next week.
Jump in my grave as fast? What? You pissing on my chips the second I'm late.
I'm only trying to help! I'd be careful.
Pardon? Toes you step on today might be connected to the foot that boots you up the arse tomorrow.
I've got my appraisal next week too.
It's about time somebody got promoted.
Morning, Fergus! Top of the morning, ladies! And what a beautiful morning it is.
Big day, ladies.
I hope we're ready for the Partington presentation.
Can I just pester you for a minute? In your office.
Two things, that's all.
My wedding tackle is three things.
If you class my nut sack as two separate entities.
Fergus All right! It was only a joke! Shelley's office, now.
Please.
I think you'll find it's my office now, Denise.
The cheap offensive gags won't go down well from now on.
OK? OK.
We're finished.
Not here, Denise, if you don't mind.
Yes here, actually! This is where it started.
This is where it'll end.
Profound mind as well as a cracking arse.
You're the full package, sweet cheeks.
It's over.
And those things I want, those two things.
Yes? Promise me my job is safe.
And I promise you your wife will never find out.
Excuse me? You heard.
Promise me.
Now.
Promise.
So my maternity benefits will all be intact? And I can carry on when little 'un's born? Because I'm having this baby.
Get used to it.
And two.
Leave me alone.
I'm doing this solo.
Are you really going ahead with it? Come on, Fergus! This is your chance to get away with it! You and your wife and your new addition.
Your legitimate new addition.
Without the threat of her ever finding out that you've been knocking off the admin bird all this time.
I want nothing from you, other than this job.
Nothing.
Actually, Fergus, before I forget.
Will you sponsor me? I'm trying to raise money for the dolphins.
I'm lying in a bath of beans all day Sunday.
Well? Nailed him.
Ooh, good girl! It feels so right, Lisa.
It all feels so right.
Love, you're so brave.
You know what though? There's just one thing missing.
From here? Chocolate vending machine.
That's what's missing.
Shelley! Shelley.
I really miss her being here, don't you? Totally.
Talia, can I borrow you for a mo? Just in case.
He'll be wanting a nosh off someone before lunch and you have split up.
She's winding you up.
Just ignore her.
I'll get her to make a phone call later.
We'll soon have Shelley back.
Leave it with me.
My suit from the dry cleaner's.
Today, preferably.
Lisa? Yes? Can I ask a massive favour? How massive? I've got my first antenatal class after work.
I need a birth partner.
I daren't ask my mum.
She gets queasy cracking open an egg never mind childbirth.
Would you do it? My God, are you serious? You'll be fine.
You don't have to go t'goal end.
You can stand behind me.
We can ask for a screen.
You're the only one I want in there.
Cool and calm in a crisis.
But not afraid to use the F word to get what you want.
Why are you avoiding me? I'm not avoiding you.
You saw me this morning, I know.
You shouldn't be here! I just want to apologise.
It was wrong of me to be so forward.
Shall we just forget it? But you don't need to ignore me.
I'm not ignoring you.
You did see me though.
Will you leave me alone? Yoo-hoo! Shelley! Hiya, Sue, hiya, Barry.
How's it crack-a-lacking, sunshine? How's Greg? We heard he had a bit of trouble, poor lad.
He's OK, he's bearing up.
What's happened? He got jumped by a gang of hoodies on his way home.
They only stung him for a tenner.
It's a disgrace! They want hanging.
Give him our love, will you? Course I will.
See you later.
Put it back.
There's a chapter on how to I said put it back.
Hi, Kate! Hiya.
Can I ask you something? Fire away, love.
Do you really believe the way to a man's heart is through his stomach? Without question! I'm their second wife, these lot.
They don't buy me flowers and we might not have much pillow talk, but they love me, Bianca.
An extra slice of black pudding on a man's plate and you're anybody's, I promise.
Don't you, Ken? You what, flower? Love me.
You love me, don't you? With all my heart.
Can you teach me how to make some of those, cock? For Jim? I think he'd be impressed, don't you? Very! I'm doing a batch tonight if you fancy calling in? Thanks, Kate.
I'll see you then then! Hello! Hi, David.
OK.
And when do they expect that to be exactly? Thanks for calling, you're very kind.
Yeah, talk soon then.
Bye, David.
Any chance of a top-up, sweetheart? I'll be five minutes.
You fucking pest.
Next week, your appraisal.
Yeah? Well, the perfect opportunity for you to put a request in for a raise.
Extra beer tokens.
Imagine it.
And you know I'll be telling them that I cannot function without you.
Kenneth Porter's secretary, please.
Her name's Sandra.
You asked me to do this.
Hiya, Sandra, it's Talia here at Reconnect.
Just synching diaries, making sure Kenneth's OK for the account meeting tomorrow at 10? Really? That's strange.
It's definitely in at 10 and Fergus is choc-a-bloc.
We're going to struggle to rearrange.
Could you? Really? You're a complete life saver, you are, Sandra! Wait till the Christmas booze run and I'll make sure you get an extra bottle of Chardonnay.
You too! Ciao, San! Good work, kidder! Brilliant! That were brilliant! Small things impress small minds.
I'm going for a coffee.
Anything happens, take a photo.
My God, what happened to you? Nothing.
Just a little bump, that's all.
Weren't even going that fast.
Between you and me I'd had a right skinful so I can't remember much.
Anyway, never mind about me, what about you? How's things been? Don't take this the wrong way but less of the small talk.
Can we just get on with the money? Right.
Yeah, of course.
Actually, Emma.
This is quite awkward.
No, it isn't.
It kind of is.
I've got the money but erm I'm sorry, Emma, but I'm a bit short.
How short? I should be able to get it in a couple of days.
Should? I'm sorry.
No, Greg, I'm sorry for not explaining this to you in the first place.
I think you're getting this all wrong.
Maybe I am.
With the crash and everything, it's been a bit tough.
Bump suddenly turned into a crash now? No offence but your bruises aren't my problem.
And this isn't what we agreed.
None of this.
It's only 50 quid! Come on! Give me time and I'll sort it.
We're mates, aren't we? What's 50 quid between mates? Mates! Sorry.
Mates?! Cheeky bastard.
You think you can just come in here and turn on the charm because yet again you're skint.
You think I'll just say everything's fine? You blew me out, remember? You prick.
Big mistake.
Huge.
I'm sorry, I just don't know what to do.
I'll tell you what you're going to do.
You're going to pay me back the full amount by tonight.
I've just cancelled our agreement.
Emma! Leave.
My husband'll be back any minute.
I said leave.
Hello, everybody, I'm Jacinta.
First of all I'd like to say a big welcome to you all.
Now, don't forget it's my job to fill you in on all the gory details.
So if there's anything you need to ask, feel free to put your hand up at any time.
Forewarned is forearmed.
That's my motto, girls.
And boys.
And a big welcome to our newbies, Denise and Lisa.
I'm delighted that you two feel confident enough to join us too.
We're very open-minded here.
Bye, love.
See you next week.
Hiya! Hey, listen, I was just thinking.
We can put the DJ on the stage there.
And there's an extension lead in the kitchen so we can probably stretch to putting the disco lights in front of the stage.
That's why I wanted to talk to you, flower.
What's up, chick? The book says People prefer live music at a shindig.
Does it now? So I were thinking something like a Jane McDonald tribute.
Jane who? We could dress the room like a cruise ship.
It says a party's not a party without a theme.
What do you think? A theme? There's all sorts we can have.
The cruise ship is just a starting point.
Not sure I'm with you here.
Or we can go the other way if we want to go racy.
Have something a bit more Hey, eager beaver! None of your vicars and tarts nonsense.
Ruby wedding anniversary, my love.
and washing your smalls.
That's your theme.
Listen, love, I'm quite happy to hold your hand and keep track of a few contractions but placenta pate? I can't believe they used to do that when we were cavemen! Don't you think it's interesting? No.
Sorry.
Hey up, I think you've got an admirer.
Hi.
Hello.
I'm Lee.
I'm Denise.
This is Lisa.
I don't think he's worried about who I am, are you? So how's it all going? Very helpful, actually.
What about you? I don't think I'm cut out for it.
I don't think you've got much choice.
Her? She's my sister.
Is that legal? He fella scarpered as soon as she said she was pregnant so What a gent.
Same with me.
Right, I thought you two were Do I look like I drink from the furry cup? Lisa! Well, do I? OK, everyone, can we all come back round, please? Are we getting Kate to do the food? Might as well.
Right.
What now? Nothing.
I've known you long enough to know that a simple "Right" really isn't nothing.
Barry.
It's just the book says food wise it's good to do something different.
The world's changing, it says.
Time's running out for cheese and pineapple.
I happen to love cheese and pineapple.
What on earth's the matter with you, Barry? Tampering with the food! Jane McDonald! Why don't we just go the whole hog and do it like the Windsors would.
Swans carved out of ice.
Burlesque strippers.
Burlesque? What's that? I'll give you a clue, shall I? Big bust, tiny waist.
Hangs out the side of a giant champagne glass.
Starkers.
Seriously? Is that what you reckon we should do? What do you think, clod hopper? Road.
And for all the partners, never too late to get fully intimate with your wife's secret bits.
They've managed that already judging by the state they're in! .
.
gentle massage with baby oil can make all the difference when it comes to easing out the head.
I'm sorry.
Too much information, I'm afraid.
Lisa, is everything OK? I'm just a bit squeamish.
Sorry.
And I've not even had my tea yet, that's all.
Most people are a bit squeamish, lovey.
But you two can turn this into an advantage being in a same sex couple.
For a start, Lisa, you know far more about lady bits than most of these fellas, that's for sure.
Excuse me one minute.
Do you mind if I go? Course not.
I just don't think I'm going to be much use.
Not really my kind of thing.
It's fine.
Thanks, love.
And by the way, Davina.
Jacinta.
We are not a couple.
I'm married.
To a bloke.
A big bloke, actually.
Now this is where people get it wrong.
Figure of eight, pace of a snail.
Keep that air in.
There's no rush.
Here.
Even slower.
Goodness me, this is slow.
Time and effort, Bianca.
Good God, he'll have a stiffy before I've got the oven on at this rate.
Lisa! Leave me alone.
Please! This has got to stop, Jack! What has? You shouldn't have come to my work.
I can't help the way I feel.
Nor can you.
Stop messing with my head! I'm just saying it how I think it is.
I'm married.
I love Dan and I always will love Dan, no matter what happens.
Just tell me how you feel about me.
That's all I want.
You need to leave.
Leave? One of us does.
And me and Dan were here first.
I've as much right to live here.
That is bollocks! How is it bollocks? I know how you feel.
You know fuck all, Jack! I'm sorry I went to the office.
I just wanted to see you.
I have a husband.
He's supposed to be your mate.
It's wrong! You didn't think it was wrong when we were flirting.
That was a bit of fun! That's all it was.
Flirting! But I love you.
You don't bloody love me! Yes, I do.
No, you don't! It's wrong, it's all wrong, and it stops now.
But we kissed.
No, Jack.
We didn't kiss.
You kissed me and I pulled away and you know it.
I love Dan.
Now back off and leave me alone! Who the hell's that? Leave it, it'll just be kids.
You go.
I'm not going! Just answer it, Greg.
Just leave it! Who is it? You know who it is, don't you? Shelley! Hello? Oi! Fuck off! Five grand.
Where is it? Don't know what you're talking about! Come on, where's the cash? Greg, what's he on about? Aargh! Leave her out of it! It's got fuck all to do with her! Arrrgh! My car! Take my car! The one out the front? Yeah! Get me the keys.
Aaarrgh! Auntie Ursula and Uncle Bert.
Hiya! How's it hanging, kid? Good, mate.
I'll have crispy duck, please, and Singapore vermicelli.
Auntie Carol, Uncle Jonny, Doreen and the kids.
Martin and Florrie.
Martin and Florrie! Are they still alive? Barry! Erm I'm going to have sweet and sour chicken and special fried rice, please, love.
Barry, what do you fancy? We're going to have a theme.
A theme? It's all the rage.
Am I hearing right? It'll be amazing.
We're thinking of having dim sums on a trolley.
Imagine Auntie Margaret's face when she sees! Dim sum on a trolley? Since when have you been into dim sum, Dad? Don't knock it, kid.
This is the start of the new me.
I'm branching out.
The book says people expect more from a ruby wedding anniversary than some dodgy old DJ and a mushroom vol-au-vent.
From now on we're going to open our minds and expand our cultural horizons.
Aren't we, kid? Barry, food! See if they'll do me omelette and chips, lad.
Have you any brown sauce in? I promise this will never happen again.
I have sacrificed everything I have got for you.
Just listen to me! Listen to what? More bullshit? You think I can cope with more bullshit? I'm glad you know! I'm glad it's come out! I can't live like this! You can't? I'll go to Gamblers Anonymous first thing tomorrow.
How many times have I heard that? It's different this time.
Different? The fact that your wife nearly got her jaw broken! How dare you put me in that position! I promise it's the end of it.
I'll get help.
You won't go.
I'm so sorry, babes.
You're only saying that because you got caught.
You're pathetic.
I hate you.
I totally bloody hate you.
I don't want dim sums on a trolley or cocktails from the Caribbean.
All I want is us lot there.
And DJ Dave from playing Agadoo.
And your drunken father scoffing a cold chicken drumstick off a paper plate.
Have you told him that? How can I tell him? He gets so giddy.
I mean, you've heard him, he falls for everything.
I don't want to be the big bad witch who's taking the fun out of it.
You've seen him, he's grinning from ear to ear.
Least he cares, the poppet.
He'd be gutted if he thought you were this pissed off.
Come on, you've slept in the same bed as him for 40 years.
I think you know how to pull a few strings when it comes to telling him when to wind it in, don't you? Where's Lisa? She's on a half day.
When was this booked in? What? This! This meeting! Ken Porter from Henry Richards.
On the same day as the biggest presentation this year! It's been there for weeks, Fergus.
Something's gone wrong.
Everything's fixable.
Where are the contracts? Where all the others are.
There's a dispute over payback fees.
I know.
You do? Yes.
I do.
I even watch the news sometimes, believe it or not.
Steady on.
It's not resolved and I need to be on top of it before they get here.
Shelley was handling it.
Right.
Call Lisa.
Didn't Talia say she was on a half day? So? So I'm not going to call her.
This is one of our top accounts.
I didn't even know they were booked in.
Sometimes you don't know your arse from your elbow.
And there's me, poxy little admin bird, and I know the lot.
You? Yes, Fergus.
God forbid it.
Me.
I know where the files are.
I know the account, I know the payback clauses.
You think I just sit here filing my nails looking pretty? Giving the odd blowjob to the nearest sleazeball executive.
Counting the minutes till half four on a Friday.
Don't you? No, I don't.
Yes, you do.
I'll help you.
Will you? One condition.
What? Call Shelley.
We need her! She needs us! It's stupid her not being here.
And you know it.
What? Nothing.
There's a meeting tonight at the Silver Wings club.
I checked online.
They've got a session every night except Wednesdays.
And there's a support worker I can see on the night there's no meeting.
There's no room for messing up, Shell.
It's hardcore.
Fergus.
This better be good.
Huge silk scarf draping down from up there.
And some of those lanterns you can get in Altrincham market.
That'd look Moroccan.
Then there's the food.
Think lamb stew and think sacks of saffron and dried apricots and think thimble-sized shot glasses filled with ouzo and cranberry vodkas.
What's Moroccan about cranberry? Nothing.
But it'll help keep your Terry in check.
I've had this other idea.
Two young men, partially naked, one on either side of the door, handing out champers to the guests as they arrive! Partially frigging naked? You! You little rascal! Can I be really honest? Go on.
Shall I tell you what party I really want? What? I want a 40th wedding anniversary party.
Big family knees-up with sausage rolls and dancing and a big argument.
Do you remember our 30th? I do.
Broad Heath Central Club.
And Uncle Joe choked on a chicken drumstick! Hey, our 20th were a belter.
Not as good as our 15th.
Your mother went mental cos I took you abroad.
I thought we were the worst parents in the world.
Leaving our little Lisa with her for a week.
Not at all.
She loved every minute of it.
I know.
Come here.
You can have whatever party you want, Mrs H.
Dan, it's Kate.
Sorry if I'm disturbing you.
But I really need to speak to you.
No, there's no problem with the toilets.
Please, Dan.
You really need to hear this.
It's It's serious.
I'm talking life-changing serious.
I'm home! Hiya, pet! Mm! Anything nice? Whoopie pies.
All the rage in Didsbury apparently.
Fantastic! Crucial stage.
Shall I show you? Figure of eight.
Pace of a snail.
Keep that air in.
There's no rush.
Dip your finger in and have a taste if you like, cock.
Or if you wait five minutes, I'll let you lick the bowl out.
How does that sound? Look, Kate, I know it's hard for you being on your own, but Can you just sit down? Can you tell me what's going on? I'm a married man and there's only one woman calls me up and makes demands.
You came though, didn't you? You said it was serious.
It is.
I'm in trouble, Dan.
What sort of trouble? Martin's brother called.
He's been so good.
Keeping me posted with every last move.
I think they're just out to get me.
Who? The stupid police! What now? David knows I'm innocent.
I know I am! You do believe me, don't you, Dan? I don't know what it is I'm supposed to be believing.
They think I killed Martin.
Don't be ridiculous.
I've been through hell.
Look, I know this is awful for you but I don't know what you want me to do to help.
Martin had an affair with another woman, Dan.
Couple of months before he died.
My friend saw him kissing her.
That's terrible.
Devastating.
Look, Kate, I know it's shit for you but what's it got to do with me? Can't you see, Dan? This is how all this started for me.
With a measly kiss.
Next thing it's an affair! That's horrendous.
No, Dan, what's horrendous is they think I bumped him off! The scorned wife! Me! Do I look the type? Me! Do you heck! Give me a fucking break! A murderer? I just don't want the same thing happening to you.
Why the hell would it? Well, it's Lisa and Jack.
I saw them.
Do you understand me now, about how all this starts? Where all this starts.
You're talking shit.
No, I'm not, Dan.
Yes, you are.
You're talking out of your arse.
No, it's the truth.
I saw them the other day when I was coming out of Bianca's.
Kissing.
Well, snogging if I'm really honest.
Bullshit.
I think there's been something going on for a while.
Remember the date, when I saw them on their night out? It's probably been brewing for ages.
Bubbling away like these things do.
I'm so sorry, Dan.
But there's something between them.
Something serious.
I saw them! I know what I saw.
I know what a passionate kiss looks like.
She wouldn't do this to me.
Never underestimate how cruel people can be.
Even those closest to you.
I'm only telling you this because I care.
I don't want to see you hurt, that's all.
I swear on Martin's grave it's the truth.
Thanks.
Think these are for you.
Ten per cent pay rise and a company car, I am all yours.
Fergus, are you OK? Wife's gone into labour.
God! Just go! I'll take over here.
It's OK.
Hiya, I'm in here! You'll never guess what happened at work today.
Shelley came back and Fergus's wife went into labour! You've got some fucking nerve, you have.
Dan? Going on at me about some weather bird.
What? Yesterday! Kicking off because I think she's fit.
Dan, you're scaring me, what's the matter? I know about Jack.
Now I know it's true! I so wanted her to be lying.
Who? Kate.
Kate? Yes, Kate! She saw you! She saw you and him together, snogging! It wasn't a snog.
She said she saw you! God, it wasn't like that.
What was it like then, Lisa? Dan I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have let it happen.
He leaned in to kiss me It was only for a few seconds! How many seconds? I I don't know.
How many? I don't know, I wasn't counting.
Having too much fun, were you? No! How many seconds? Stop it! Five? Seven? Not that many! Well, how many then? About four.
Four seconds! You kissed him for four seconds.
That's a snog! Lisa, you snogged him! You snogged Jack, didn't you? No, he snogged me! I made it stop, Dan.
I made it stop! Very noble of you! It shouldn't have happened in the first place! I know! So why did you let it then? I don't know! I can't say I blame you.
I'd be pretty tempted if some fit young bird made a play for me.
But I wouldn't do it, Lisa.
Because I'm married! He didn't make a play for me.
You said he did! Not like that! Like what then, Lisa? Like what? You didn't tell me about that night out because you fancied him! No! All that bollocks about trying him out for Denise! You were trying him out for yourself! That is not true! I'm sorry.
It's all just a mistake.
You're damn right it's a fucking mistake.
Where are you going? Anywhere but here.
What the frig do you want? I've left Lisa, Mum.
Well, I'll give you one thing, son.
Your timing's bang on.
I'm buggered if I can reach the bit at the back.
Give us a hand.
I'll call you when I get home.
But this is your home.
Don't tell me, he's made you breakfast in bed.
Dan, please.
I was going to see if you wanted to go out.
But if you're at a party Never mind.
What day? The day of the car crash.
Car crash? Why did you tell him? Look, Lisa, I'm really sorry Dan left you.
Flower? I know.
I never thought I'd make it through.