Mount Pleasant (2011) s01e08 Episode Script
Episode 8
(THEME MUSIC) (COME BACK TO WHAT YOU KNOW PLAYING) (SONG CONTINUES ON STEREO) Yes, hello.
Do you have any availability for the 16th? Oh, great.
Can I just ask, how much extra it would be for a four-poster? Really? That's good.
Yes, thanks.
That'd be great.
It's Dan and Kate Johnson.
J-O-H-N-S-O-N.
Smashing.
(HORN HONKING) -Morning, Bianca.
-Oh, hello! Excuse the hair.
Barry and Sue's party.
You have to make the effort, no matter how provincial it might sound.
Are you going, cock? I can't.
No, um Sorry, I'm not being rude but I'm in a bit of a hurry.
-Hurry? -Ferry to catch.
I'm driving to Holyhead.
-Oh! Off on your jollies? -Not exactly.
I'm just spending some time with my parents.
I'm letting the house out.
The estate agents are coming later.
They've got keys, obviously, but I want you to have a set, if you don't mind.
Oh.
I'll call you when I get home.
But this is your home.
I'll be in touch.
Thanks, Bianca.
SUE: Yoohoo! It's only me.
Hey.
Hey, Jack's on the move, I've noticed.
He's only just got here when you think about it.
-What's all that about? -How am I supposed to know? Where's Dan? He was up at 6:00.
He's got a job on in town.
-Saturday? -He charges more.
Mum, I wish you'd call me and let me know you're coming sometimes.
Been on the wine last night, snappy-socks? No.
-Time of the month? -Mother! Oh, don't be silly.
We're already ahead of schedule.
We picked up the booze at 8:30 and it'll only take me 1 0 minutes or so to lay out the bar later on.
I mean, what else am I going to do? Your father's crawling the walls.
He'd be still clipping his toenails at midnight.
I told him to just have a look at your borders.
That'll keep him occupied for half an hour.
-No boxers? -What? Where's Dan's boxers? Um, I put a wash on yesterday.
You? A wash? Goodness gracious.
You are feeling rough, aren't you, chicken fluff? (SIGHING) Right, son, up you get.
I've had your Auntie Beryl on the phone.
She wants you to put a new dishwasher in.
And don't listen to any of her pleading poverty bullshit.
I've told her you want paying in cash, not fucking Mars bars.
(PHONE RINGING) -Hi.
-Hi.
-How are you? -All right, ta.
What about you? Don't tell me, he's made you breakfast in bed.
Dan, please.
Do you want something? Well, what? Mum's here.
Your mum? At ours? -Don't be silly.
-Dan.
You'll be telling me she's got her own key next.
-Stop taking the piss.
-I'm not taking the piss.
Is that it? You called me to tell me your mum's there? Hey, guess what.
My mum's here.
What do you know! She asked where you were again.
That's all.
And? -I said you were working.
-We need to talk about this.
I know and I promise we will.
But can we just wait until after the party, please? Okay.
And have you told your mother to keep her big gob shut? Yes! Although, I can't be held responsible for what she might say once she gets a cider and black down her neck.
Just do me a favour, if you happen to bump into me mum and dad anywhere today, just keep schtum.
Is that it? Are you still okay to pick up the food? Yeah, fine.
I'll see you later then.
Yeah.
See you later.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) -What? Oh, not again.
-Don't be stupid.
-If you've done one more thing -I've done fuck all, I promise.
(KNOCKING CONTINUES) See who it is.
It's weekend.
They can bugger off! See who it is! (SOFTLY) It's okay.
Delivery van.
Oh, shit! It's me shoes.
It's a parcel.
Tell him to wait.
Just stick your head out the window, tell him to wait.
(TAPPING ON GLASS) Mate! Here, wait! -Hiya.
-Hello.
Hi.
You buy anything nice? Oh, just an outfit for tonight.
-Going anywhere special? -A party.
Damn.
See, I was gonna see if you wanted to go out somewhere.
-Oh.
-But if you're at a party then Never mind.
I've got this book at home called How To Drop Hints And Get Yourself An Invite.
It's a great read.
You should probably buy it one day.
Oh, thanks.
But I'm more of a chick-lit girl.
I've just read That Extra Half an Inch by Posh Spice.
Un-put-down-able.
Well, look, there's always tomorrow.
-Tomorrow? -Yeah, we could go out then.
Um, can't.
I'm staying in and making a cheesecake.
-What about Monday? -Manicure.
-Tuesday? -Nuisance practise.
You should know already.
Your sister.
It's what I call the birthing class.
Which is why you shouldn't be pestering me in the first place.
I mean, let's be honest.
It's a bit weird, don't you think, in terms of the ergonomics.
Dating a woman that's already been inseminated.
I mean, that's why you're out chasing in the first place, isn't it? To sow your oats Think about it, Mozart.
You and me, going on a date? Talk about pointless.
I like you.
Can't we just (SIGHING) Look, you're really sweet, but honestly, I just don't think it's a good idea.
What the frig are you doing? Stops it smelling when you put it in the recycling bin.
Recycling? You taking the piss? Do I look like I got time to fanny about sorting through rubbish? I've got a life you know, son.
Ooh, stick the telly on, will you? Jeremy Kyle's on in a minute.
You remember Simon, don't you, love? We're going shopping this aft.
I need a new outfit for the party.
Simon's gonna help me pick something, aren't you? Mmm-hmm.
-All right? -How's it going, big fella? Good, thanks.
Hey, you're looking well, mate.
You know me, son.
Always been partial to a bit of brick shithouse.
Fancy some cornflakes, Superman? (BOTH LAUGHING) -GREG: Hi, Dan.
-Greg, mate.
That's it, I've had enough.
It's got to change, all this.
I'm sorting me life out.
You around for a pint this afternoon? It's only a pint.
It's never just only with you, though, is it? I promise! Poor fella sounds desperate.
-So you'll end up pissed? -No, we won't.
-I'll be back by 5:00 at the latest.
-5:00? I don't want us turning up at Barry and Sue's with you half-cut.
(PHONE RINGING) -Hello? -Greg? -Sorry, he's in the shower.
-Ah, is this his wife? Sorry, do I know you? Yes, Richard.
-Richard -Friend of Jack's.
We didn't meet that day, I think.
I met Lisa, dragon from next door.
-What day? -The day of the car crash.
Car crash? Oh, yeah, of course.
Is he better, your boy? He took quite a knock.
Yeah.
No offence, Richard, but I'm gonna have to get a bit of a move on.
People to see, places to go.
You with me? Listen, tell Greg to give me a quick call, will you? I've got a bit of a business proposition for him.
Of course I will.
Bye.
Lisa, hi.
Mum asked me to bob in, to check everything was in hand.
Of course it is.
That's not egg-mayo, is it? As in made with mayo? Didn't me mum explain? That you like it made with salad cream.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
She did explain, actually, and that's exactly what I've used.
Good.
And Dan will pick it all up around 7:00.
Yeah.
Yeah, don't worry.
He called me this morning.
It's all arranged.
Why did you tell him, Kate? Look, Lisa, I'm really sorry Dan left you He hasn't left me! We're separated.
Temporarily.
People do it all the time.
And you got it all wrong about me and Jack.
You don't have to explain yourself to me.
I'm not explaining myself.
I'm just telling you.
You got it wrong.
And if I'd had it my way, Mum would have gone somewhere else for the catering.
People have a right to know when they're being messed around, you know.
That's all I want to say.
(LAUGHS) Dan was right about you.
-Pardon? -You do need to get out more.
Mingle a bit.
Touch of the old maid about you, Kate.
It's disturbing.
-Hiya.
-Hi, are you okay? Oh, just a bit tired, this bloody party.
-Who's Richard? -Richard? Don't try and cover anything up or make any silly excuses.
-Cover what up? What are you on about? -Richard.
The night Greg was supposedly mugged.
(GASPS) Oh, Richard! It was just cards, really, nothing special.
But he didn't mention it.
Why didn't he mention it? What was he trying to hide? Well, he knows you hate him gambling, Shelley.
Probably didn't want the earache.
Did it not bother you? That Dan was playing cards? (SCOFFS) Did it heck! Why should it? He's a crap gambler.
Anyway, he came home, didn't he? When they said they were going to the casino, he just called it a day.
The casino? Yeah.
(SCOFFS) What a complete and utter prick.
-Are you totally sure he said crash? -Of course I am.
I mean, he wasn't the sharpest tool in the box, if I'm honest, that Richard.
Oh, my God.
Pretend I'm not here.
Look at each other, don't look at me! -Is he looking in? -Yes.
Don't look out though! -You just asked me if he's looking in! -Don't look! He's coming in.
He's very cute.
Getting ready for the party? Obviously, duh.
Is this the one where you can't bring someone along? Yes.
Of course you can bring someone! -No, I can't! -Ignore her.
It's my mum and dad's party, love.
Which means it's practically mine.
Of course you can come.
-So, I'll pick you up at -Oh, I think half seven should do it.
Here's her address.
Thanks.
Now bugger off.
This is girl time.
What did you do that for? Oh, it's only a date.
And he's rather gorgeous.
-Hiya.
-Hello.
How you doing? Fantastic, thanks.
-(LAUGHS) She's beautiful.
-Yeah, I know.
Bye, Fergus.
Denise.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, I know you are.
-Got my bits.
-Yeah.
My boy.
Look at you.
Flower? Forty years.
I know.
I never thought I'd make it through.
I didn't think I could carry on.
(SHUSHING) That's nonsense.
You got me through it, Barry.
I just want you to know that I love you very much.
Not as much as I love you, kid.
You okay? Yeah, I'm okay.
Right, kid, get your dancing shoes on.
We've got a shindig to go to.
(CAR HONKS) Hey, DJ Dave! Hey, Timperley's Finest.
Peace in the Middle East, sunshine.
How's tricks? All right, Barry.
You know me.
Ducking and diving, wheeling and dealing.
Hey, screwing and mooing.
DAVE: Dabbling and babbling.
Now that's what I call a disco.
Hiya, Dave.
About time we got this party started.
(Y.
M.
C.
A.
PLAYING) (DOORBELL RINGING) -What the fuck do you want? -I need to explain something.
What if I don't want to hear it? Look, Lisa didn't kiss me, I kissed her.
-My wife! -I'm totally sorry! -I should cave your head in! -I was out of order! I fancied her, she didn't want to know.
You should have left her alone! She only ever said how much she loved you.
She should have told me.
She bullshitted me, basically.
She shouldn't have bullshitted me.
She pushed me away! Look, whatever Kate saw, she saw it wrong.
I'm sorry.
I was bang out of order.
You're a good bloke, Dan.
And a lucky one.
Thanks, Peggy.
Jim, go and get yourselves a drink.
(GASPS) Shelley! Hasta la vista, baby.
What's it crackalacking? -Hiya.
-You look gorgeous.
Oh, thank you, Sue.
So do you.
Happy anniversary.
So, this is a slow-cooker.
Hope that's okay.
How wonderful! Well, Lisa said you can bung a stew in it and leave it cooking while she goes skating.
-Oh, hiya.
-Hiya.
-See you in a minute.
-See you later.
You look fantastic! Give us a kiss.
What's up? You couldn't even go home and get changed first? You like what I'm wearing, don't you? Hello? Hi! You're not coming? Well, I didn't think it was such a good idea.
Sue's invited you.
She'll be expecting you.
-I'm just not sure.
-You've done all this.
You could do with a drink, surely.
(LAUGHS) Well, you're not wrong there.
I'll load the van, you go and get your glad rags on.
Well, I need to shower, I'll be a few minutes.
I don't mind waiting.
Really? Well, once you finish loading the van, come up to the flat, there's some beer in the fridge.
I got you some in.
God Almighty, it's colder than a penguin's bollocks in here.
Hi, Pauline.
Well, you'd think they'd out some heating on.
Who'd have a party in one of these things? My parents, actually.
So, where is he? -Dan? -Who else? He's gone to get changed and to pick up the food.
Are you and him talking yet? I'd rather none of us discuss it, if you don't mind.
Not tonight, Pauline.
(SIGHING) Yeah, I know, he warned me.
Word of advice? Say sorry and give him a bit of hanky-panky.
He might be my son but he's still a fella, and they're basically all the same.
Simpletons, with heavy ball bags, basically.
Can I take your coat? -Where's the ladies? -Down there.
You go in, give us five minutes.
-The mole's at the counter.
-Again? It's your fault.
I said me and that sauce wouldn't see eye to eye.
Chicken should be dry and roasted, not drowned.
What do you want for drink? Oh, get us a cider and black, a pint will do.
Ooh, and a schnapps chaser if there's any going.
Ooh! Aye, aye.
Lock up your daughters.
And your wives.
Hey, hey, Terry lad.
Happy anniversary, big bro! (MOUTHING) Hey, hey, whoa! -All right, Margaret? -Happy anniversary.
There you go, love.
Just some haberdashery and a couple of photo frames for the chuck wagon.
Lisa said you wanted to tidy it up a bit.
Oh, lovely.
Where is she? Come to daddy, precious girl.
Lovely.
-How you keeping, kiddo? -Not the best.
Oh, shame.
They found another polyps on me appendix.
Oh, you poor goat.
-Does this mean another operation? -A week Tuesday.
Four nights in Mornington General.
Can't wait.
The chips are to die for.
I put on four pounds the last time I was in.
-And me surgeon's a pioneer you know.
-Is he? It's amazing what they can do these days.
Apparently we don't even need our appendix any more.
Makes you wonder why we're still born with 'em, don't it? Right.
Where is she? Where's my favourite little niece? -He's seen you.
-Bollocks, keep talking.
He's coming over.
-What, now? -Yeah, now.
-Has he definitely seen me? -He's definitely seen you.
Oh, God.
I think he's got a hard on.
Where is she? Where's my little Lisa? -Uncle Terry! -Come here! Do I have to? As the Pope once said, ''Come hither under my cloak.
'' You're lovely, aren't you? Don't you look bonny? -Barry? -What, love? Get over there and save your daughter.
Pervert alert.
I'm on me way as we speak.
-Hiya, Dad! -Hi.
God, I'm so sorry.
Give me five minutes.
I'm nearly ready, I promise.
Hairbrush.
Hairbrush.
Hairbrush.
(LAUGHS) You're a gem.
-Did you get a beer? -No.
Nice, isn't it? Very.
I knew you would like it.
Fridge.
Now, mister.
I said now! -What if he's had a crash? -Oh, he won't have had a crash.
At least if he had, he'd bloody well tell you.
LISA: But, he said 7:00.
Well, he's probably just watching footy or something.
Oh, he won't do that.
Not on me mum and dad's fortieth.
-He wouldn't be that mean.
-Why don't you just phone him? Be back in a minute.
-I don't think so.
-I said I'm sorry.
What you want from me, baby? Blood? (DANCE SONG PLAYING) Lordy, Lordy, Lordy.
That's a pair of traffic stoppers, if ever I saw them.
Yo! Comrades.
Oh! Happy anniversary.
Spice rack for Sue and screw driver set for you, Barry.
Oh, smashing, that is, Jim.
Smashing.
-Sue, spice rack.
-Yeah, lovely.
Hey, gorgeous.
Think of a number between one and ten.
-What? -Go on.
Between one and ten.
-Seven? -Wrong! Sorry.
Oh, shucks! Now you gonna have to take all your clothes off.
Oh! Saucy sausage, you are.
Bloody right I am, you little minx.
You don't need to worry.
I don't.
Keeps him out of mischief, a bit of flirting.
I'm Margaret, I'm his wife.
-I'm Jim.
-Hello, Jim.
I'm not the jealous type.
And I can tell you're not either.
Life is short enough.
In a world full of death and disaster, what's the point of worrying they're gonna run off together.
Cross the bridge when you get there, that's my motto.
Fancy a sit down? (BEEP) -Hello, chicken.
-Happy anniversary.
-It's a radio alarm clock.
-Ahh! Lovely.
-For the back bedroom.
-Lisa said the other one broke.
Twenty eight years, we had that thing.
They don't make things like these, do they? You watch.
That'll conk out after a couple of months.
Load of old tat probably.
It will be fine, won't it, Barry? More than fine, my cherry blossom.
-How's the little bean coming along? -Okay, thanks.
Can't stop eating.
Me thighs are like tree trunks, but I'm sure it's all worth it.
Sure, you won't be saying that, when they are stitching your snatch back together, love.
SHELLEY: Hiya.
Where is Mr Wonderful? I've been trying to tell everyone, Lisa.
I don't need a man.
None of us do really.
If you think about it.
No, you just haven't found the right one.
I'm very lucky with Simon.
In a word, girth.
(LAUGHING LOUDLY) They found another little critter last March, on me left kidney.
I was knocked for six, Jim.
I had only just got over the shock of the first.
Have you ever had a polyps, love? Not that I know of.
They are like bloody snipers.
Pop-up when you least expect it and cause nowt but grief.
Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
All right, Denise? Fancy a drink, love? Oh, no thanks.
I'm not drinking.
And before you ask, I don't want to meet you in town for coffee, either.
Nor lunch.
Not even a nice little bistro.
I don't like the cinema.
I hate walking in the park.
I despise sushi.
I don't like cocktails and I don't want a relationship, okay? I don't want a relationship.
Me bird's coming in half an hour.
Just thought you might want a drink that's all.
Oops! I'm a right idiot.
-What's happened? -(DEEP SIGH) I wish I was a bit more like you sometimes, Shelley.
-How do you mean? -You just don't take any shit.
Nothing gets past you, does it? I mean, obviously we all know, you let Greg get away with murder but But think about it.
Everyone's got an Achilles tendon, haven't they? I suppose they have.
DENISE: We're all a bit of push over when it comes to fellas, us birds.
Doesn't take away from the fact that your total dynamite at work though.
Does it? Oh, well.
Well? Ta-da.
Dan? You okay, love? Oh! Oh? Is that all you've got to say? Oh? -If you just give a chance to explain.
-Explain what? -That you are a nutjob? -Don't be ridiculous.
Go on then, explain.
This is my wedding photo.
-I know.
-You stole it.
You nicked it from my house.
You broke in.
What else have you took, you fuckin' weirdo? Me toothbrush, me shoes.
Pair of duds from the washing basket.
You don't understand.
-Oh, I think I do.
-No, you don't! You think it's been easy for me, since I lost Martin, and you're always here every five minutes.
(MIMICKING DAN) Oh, It's fine, Kate.
I'll get you new taps, Kate.
Of course I can, Kate.
I'll keep a secret with you, Kate.
Anything you want, Kate.
Oh, and you make a cracking bacon sandwich, Kate.
You were seducing me.
And I fancied you! What did you expect from me? To run a mile? You've burgled me house.
You've stuck your face, on a photo of my wife.
That's my wife! That's my wedding day.
How dare you? She doesn't want you any more.
The sooner you see it, the better.
You know nothing about what Lisa wants.
People move on, people change.
I know you are angry and upset.
But, that's just the shock of seeing the photo.
It's just a photo.
It's not real.
You and I can move on from this, Dan please.
You and I? You and I? You really are a fuckin' lunatic, aren't you? -Just give me a chance.
-You You got one chance.
And that's no chance, you silly cow.
We could make this work though, Dan.
I know it.
Please.
It was all bullshit.
Wasn't it? All that about Lisa and Jack.
No, I saw them kissing.
Just 'cause you fancied your chances with me.
You could have ruined my marriage.
-(GLASS BREAKING) -What are you gonna do, eh? Bump me off, like you did your poor bastard of a husband.
I don't think so somehow.
You've got a head full of fairground music, you have, haven't you? You freak.
Pathetic.
Can we have Barry and Sue on the dance floor please? Now we all know Barry and Sue in one way or another.
And we have all come here tonight to celebrate 40 years of wedded bliss.
Stop talking shit.
Thanks everyone for coming.
And thanks for your patience with the missing buffet.
I can assure you, it's on its way as we speak.
Um.
Well.
I just like to say.
Thanks, really.
I suppose.
To my mum and dad.
And sorry, 'cause I know I can be a bit of a pain in the arse.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
This is shit.
It's great, carry on.
Well, basically They bought me whatever I wanted, every single Christmas, since I was nought, which is so bloody kind.
And me mum helps me with me washing.
'Cause I just can't do it without shrinking things and running the colours together.
Ask Dan how badly I ruin his shirts when he gets here.
Honest, just ask.
And me dad, he keeps our garden so neat.
'Cause Dan can't do it you see 'cause he's allergic to grass.
(LAUGHING) I wish he would hurry up, so that you could ask him.
I just wish he'd hurry up.
Mum.
Dad.
Thank you.
I just think you're ace.
DAVE: Round of applause for Lisa, everyone.
And now I'm going to put on a very special song.
For the very wonderful Mr and Mrs H.
Oh! It's all right, Mum.
It's just the lager talking.
Go on.
(SONG PLAYING) Please, Shell.
Just dance with me.
Hey, love, where was I? Oi! Get your hands off my missus.
Oh! Jim! -Can we go outside? -What? Now? -Yeah.
Now.
-Too right.
Fancy a jive, my love? I'll jive with you, Terry.
But you've got another think coming, if you think it's gonna lead to anything to do with your truncheon.
-Get 'em off.
-Stop it.
Stop it for one minute, will you? -What's the matter? -It's us.
I want to finish.
No, you don't.
I can't be with you any more.
And I'm leaving you for good.
This time.
Babes? You promised me no more lies.
I haven't lied.
What have I lied about? You had a car crash, didn't you? You had a car crash.
And you didn't even tell me about it.
Why wouldn't you tell me? We were playing cards.
I'm sorry.
I thought you'd kick off.
So, you lied and said you were mugged instead.
Can you not see how bad that is? It's twisted.
But, you can't help yourself, can you? Nothing is normal any more.
You have fucked it all up.
And I don't want this any more.
But you love me.
-You love me, don't you? -I said, it's not enough, Greg.
I can't live like this.
Bricking it, when the postman comes out to bring me a parcel, that's your fault.
That bastard that came round, he nearly broke my jaw.
Every time there is a knock on the door.
I think, it is him coming back to knock me teeth in or something.
And he took me car.
What else, Greg? What else? And they are gonna come and take it and it's all your fault.
I've had enough.
Yes, Greg I love you.
I always will.
I want a divorce.
(INDISTINCT TALKING) I'm sorry, I'm late.
I've been so worried.
Where are the sarnies? I'm so sorry.
You don't need to be sorry.
I'm sorry.
I don't care that he kissed you.
-I nearly messed everything up.
-I just want us to be together.
-I've been so bloody stupid.
-I should have listened to you.
-It's all my fault.
-I don't care.
It doesn't matter any more.
-I shouldn't have taken you for granted.
-You don't take me for granted.
I love you, Lisa.
Always have.
Always will.
Well? Don't you love me too? Of course, I do, you knob.
Oi, you two.
Where's the egg sarnies? I'm famished.
-I fancy some ribs.
-Oh, me too.
Chicken fried rice.
Singapore vermicelli.
Prawn crackers, sweet and sour dip.
Oh, stop it, will ya? Should we do one? -We can't.
-Yeah, we can.
No one will notice.
Too busy overdosing on coleslaw? And I'm gagging for a shag.
Come on.
(MUSIC PLAYING) (KNOCKING CONTINUES) (INDISTINCT)
Do you have any availability for the 16th? Oh, great.
Can I just ask, how much extra it would be for a four-poster? Really? That's good.
Yes, thanks.
That'd be great.
It's Dan and Kate Johnson.
J-O-H-N-S-O-N.
Smashing.
(HORN HONKING) -Morning, Bianca.
-Oh, hello! Excuse the hair.
Barry and Sue's party.
You have to make the effort, no matter how provincial it might sound.
Are you going, cock? I can't.
No, um Sorry, I'm not being rude but I'm in a bit of a hurry.
-Hurry? -Ferry to catch.
I'm driving to Holyhead.
-Oh! Off on your jollies? -Not exactly.
I'm just spending some time with my parents.
I'm letting the house out.
The estate agents are coming later.
They've got keys, obviously, but I want you to have a set, if you don't mind.
Oh.
I'll call you when I get home.
But this is your home.
I'll be in touch.
Thanks, Bianca.
SUE: Yoohoo! It's only me.
Hey.
Hey, Jack's on the move, I've noticed.
He's only just got here when you think about it.
-What's all that about? -How am I supposed to know? Where's Dan? He was up at 6:00.
He's got a job on in town.
-Saturday? -He charges more.
Mum, I wish you'd call me and let me know you're coming sometimes.
Been on the wine last night, snappy-socks? No.
-Time of the month? -Mother! Oh, don't be silly.
We're already ahead of schedule.
We picked up the booze at 8:30 and it'll only take me 1 0 minutes or so to lay out the bar later on.
I mean, what else am I going to do? Your father's crawling the walls.
He'd be still clipping his toenails at midnight.
I told him to just have a look at your borders.
That'll keep him occupied for half an hour.
-No boxers? -What? Where's Dan's boxers? Um, I put a wash on yesterday.
You? A wash? Goodness gracious.
You are feeling rough, aren't you, chicken fluff? (SIGHING) Right, son, up you get.
I've had your Auntie Beryl on the phone.
She wants you to put a new dishwasher in.
And don't listen to any of her pleading poverty bullshit.
I've told her you want paying in cash, not fucking Mars bars.
(PHONE RINGING) -Hi.
-Hi.
-How are you? -All right, ta.
What about you? Don't tell me, he's made you breakfast in bed.
Dan, please.
Do you want something? Well, what? Mum's here.
Your mum? At ours? -Don't be silly.
-Dan.
You'll be telling me she's got her own key next.
-Stop taking the piss.
-I'm not taking the piss.
Is that it? You called me to tell me your mum's there? Hey, guess what.
My mum's here.
What do you know! She asked where you were again.
That's all.
And? -I said you were working.
-We need to talk about this.
I know and I promise we will.
But can we just wait until after the party, please? Okay.
And have you told your mother to keep her big gob shut? Yes! Although, I can't be held responsible for what she might say once she gets a cider and black down her neck.
Just do me a favour, if you happen to bump into me mum and dad anywhere today, just keep schtum.
Is that it? Are you still okay to pick up the food? Yeah, fine.
I'll see you later then.
Yeah.
See you later.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) -What? Oh, not again.
-Don't be stupid.
-If you've done one more thing -I've done fuck all, I promise.
(KNOCKING CONTINUES) See who it is.
It's weekend.
They can bugger off! See who it is! (SOFTLY) It's okay.
Delivery van.
Oh, shit! It's me shoes.
It's a parcel.
Tell him to wait.
Just stick your head out the window, tell him to wait.
(TAPPING ON GLASS) Mate! Here, wait! -Hiya.
-Hello.
Hi.
You buy anything nice? Oh, just an outfit for tonight.
-Going anywhere special? -A party.
Damn.
See, I was gonna see if you wanted to go out somewhere.
-Oh.
-But if you're at a party then Never mind.
I've got this book at home called How To Drop Hints And Get Yourself An Invite.
It's a great read.
You should probably buy it one day.
Oh, thanks.
But I'm more of a chick-lit girl.
I've just read That Extra Half an Inch by Posh Spice.
Un-put-down-able.
Well, look, there's always tomorrow.
-Tomorrow? -Yeah, we could go out then.
Um, can't.
I'm staying in and making a cheesecake.
-What about Monday? -Manicure.
-Tuesday? -Nuisance practise.
You should know already.
Your sister.
It's what I call the birthing class.
Which is why you shouldn't be pestering me in the first place.
I mean, let's be honest.
It's a bit weird, don't you think, in terms of the ergonomics.
Dating a woman that's already been inseminated.
I mean, that's why you're out chasing in the first place, isn't it? To sow your oats Think about it, Mozart.
You and me, going on a date? Talk about pointless.
I like you.
Can't we just (SIGHING) Look, you're really sweet, but honestly, I just don't think it's a good idea.
What the frig are you doing? Stops it smelling when you put it in the recycling bin.
Recycling? You taking the piss? Do I look like I got time to fanny about sorting through rubbish? I've got a life you know, son.
Ooh, stick the telly on, will you? Jeremy Kyle's on in a minute.
You remember Simon, don't you, love? We're going shopping this aft.
I need a new outfit for the party.
Simon's gonna help me pick something, aren't you? Mmm-hmm.
-All right? -How's it going, big fella? Good, thanks.
Hey, you're looking well, mate.
You know me, son.
Always been partial to a bit of brick shithouse.
Fancy some cornflakes, Superman? (BOTH LAUGHING) -GREG: Hi, Dan.
-Greg, mate.
That's it, I've had enough.
It's got to change, all this.
I'm sorting me life out.
You around for a pint this afternoon? It's only a pint.
It's never just only with you, though, is it? I promise! Poor fella sounds desperate.
-So you'll end up pissed? -No, we won't.
-I'll be back by 5:00 at the latest.
-5:00? I don't want us turning up at Barry and Sue's with you half-cut.
(PHONE RINGING) -Hello? -Greg? -Sorry, he's in the shower.
-Ah, is this his wife? Sorry, do I know you? Yes, Richard.
-Richard -Friend of Jack's.
We didn't meet that day, I think.
I met Lisa, dragon from next door.
-What day? -The day of the car crash.
Car crash? Oh, yeah, of course.
Is he better, your boy? He took quite a knock.
Yeah.
No offence, Richard, but I'm gonna have to get a bit of a move on.
People to see, places to go.
You with me? Listen, tell Greg to give me a quick call, will you? I've got a bit of a business proposition for him.
Of course I will.
Bye.
Lisa, hi.
Mum asked me to bob in, to check everything was in hand.
Of course it is.
That's not egg-mayo, is it? As in made with mayo? Didn't me mum explain? That you like it made with salad cream.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
She did explain, actually, and that's exactly what I've used.
Good.
And Dan will pick it all up around 7:00.
Yeah.
Yeah, don't worry.
He called me this morning.
It's all arranged.
Why did you tell him, Kate? Look, Lisa, I'm really sorry Dan left you He hasn't left me! We're separated.
Temporarily.
People do it all the time.
And you got it all wrong about me and Jack.
You don't have to explain yourself to me.
I'm not explaining myself.
I'm just telling you.
You got it wrong.
And if I'd had it my way, Mum would have gone somewhere else for the catering.
People have a right to know when they're being messed around, you know.
That's all I want to say.
(LAUGHS) Dan was right about you.
-Pardon? -You do need to get out more.
Mingle a bit.
Touch of the old maid about you, Kate.
It's disturbing.
-Hiya.
-Hi, are you okay? Oh, just a bit tired, this bloody party.
-Who's Richard? -Richard? Don't try and cover anything up or make any silly excuses.
-Cover what up? What are you on about? -Richard.
The night Greg was supposedly mugged.
(GASPS) Oh, Richard! It was just cards, really, nothing special.
But he didn't mention it.
Why didn't he mention it? What was he trying to hide? Well, he knows you hate him gambling, Shelley.
Probably didn't want the earache.
Did it not bother you? That Dan was playing cards? (SCOFFS) Did it heck! Why should it? He's a crap gambler.
Anyway, he came home, didn't he? When they said they were going to the casino, he just called it a day.
The casino? Yeah.
(SCOFFS) What a complete and utter prick.
-Are you totally sure he said crash? -Of course I am.
I mean, he wasn't the sharpest tool in the box, if I'm honest, that Richard.
Oh, my God.
Pretend I'm not here.
Look at each other, don't look at me! -Is he looking in? -Yes.
Don't look out though! -You just asked me if he's looking in! -Don't look! He's coming in.
He's very cute.
Getting ready for the party? Obviously, duh.
Is this the one where you can't bring someone along? Yes.
Of course you can bring someone! -No, I can't! -Ignore her.
It's my mum and dad's party, love.
Which means it's practically mine.
Of course you can come.
-So, I'll pick you up at -Oh, I think half seven should do it.
Here's her address.
Thanks.
Now bugger off.
This is girl time.
What did you do that for? Oh, it's only a date.
And he's rather gorgeous.
-Hiya.
-Hello.
How you doing? Fantastic, thanks.
-(LAUGHS) She's beautiful.
-Yeah, I know.
Bye, Fergus.
Denise.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, I know you are.
-Got my bits.
-Yeah.
My boy.
Look at you.
Flower? Forty years.
I know.
I never thought I'd make it through.
I didn't think I could carry on.
(SHUSHING) That's nonsense.
You got me through it, Barry.
I just want you to know that I love you very much.
Not as much as I love you, kid.
You okay? Yeah, I'm okay.
Right, kid, get your dancing shoes on.
We've got a shindig to go to.
(CAR HONKS) Hey, DJ Dave! Hey, Timperley's Finest.
Peace in the Middle East, sunshine.
How's tricks? All right, Barry.
You know me.
Ducking and diving, wheeling and dealing.
Hey, screwing and mooing.
DAVE: Dabbling and babbling.
Now that's what I call a disco.
Hiya, Dave.
About time we got this party started.
(Y.
M.
C.
A.
PLAYING) (DOORBELL RINGING) -What the fuck do you want? -I need to explain something.
What if I don't want to hear it? Look, Lisa didn't kiss me, I kissed her.
-My wife! -I'm totally sorry! -I should cave your head in! -I was out of order! I fancied her, she didn't want to know.
You should have left her alone! She only ever said how much she loved you.
She should have told me.
She bullshitted me, basically.
She shouldn't have bullshitted me.
She pushed me away! Look, whatever Kate saw, she saw it wrong.
I'm sorry.
I was bang out of order.
You're a good bloke, Dan.
And a lucky one.
Thanks, Peggy.
Jim, go and get yourselves a drink.
(GASPS) Shelley! Hasta la vista, baby.
What's it crackalacking? -Hiya.
-You look gorgeous.
Oh, thank you, Sue.
So do you.
Happy anniversary.
So, this is a slow-cooker.
Hope that's okay.
How wonderful! Well, Lisa said you can bung a stew in it and leave it cooking while she goes skating.
-Oh, hiya.
-Hiya.
-See you in a minute.
-See you later.
You look fantastic! Give us a kiss.
What's up? You couldn't even go home and get changed first? You like what I'm wearing, don't you? Hello? Hi! You're not coming? Well, I didn't think it was such a good idea.
Sue's invited you.
She'll be expecting you.
-I'm just not sure.
-You've done all this.
You could do with a drink, surely.
(LAUGHS) Well, you're not wrong there.
I'll load the van, you go and get your glad rags on.
Well, I need to shower, I'll be a few minutes.
I don't mind waiting.
Really? Well, once you finish loading the van, come up to the flat, there's some beer in the fridge.
I got you some in.
God Almighty, it's colder than a penguin's bollocks in here.
Hi, Pauline.
Well, you'd think they'd out some heating on.
Who'd have a party in one of these things? My parents, actually.
So, where is he? -Dan? -Who else? He's gone to get changed and to pick up the food.
Are you and him talking yet? I'd rather none of us discuss it, if you don't mind.
Not tonight, Pauline.
(SIGHING) Yeah, I know, he warned me.
Word of advice? Say sorry and give him a bit of hanky-panky.
He might be my son but he's still a fella, and they're basically all the same.
Simpletons, with heavy ball bags, basically.
Can I take your coat? -Where's the ladies? -Down there.
You go in, give us five minutes.
-The mole's at the counter.
-Again? It's your fault.
I said me and that sauce wouldn't see eye to eye.
Chicken should be dry and roasted, not drowned.
What do you want for drink? Oh, get us a cider and black, a pint will do.
Ooh, and a schnapps chaser if there's any going.
Ooh! Aye, aye.
Lock up your daughters.
And your wives.
Hey, hey, Terry lad.
Happy anniversary, big bro! (MOUTHING) Hey, hey, whoa! -All right, Margaret? -Happy anniversary.
There you go, love.
Just some haberdashery and a couple of photo frames for the chuck wagon.
Lisa said you wanted to tidy it up a bit.
Oh, lovely.
Where is she? Come to daddy, precious girl.
Lovely.
-How you keeping, kiddo? -Not the best.
Oh, shame.
They found another polyps on me appendix.
Oh, you poor goat.
-Does this mean another operation? -A week Tuesday.
Four nights in Mornington General.
Can't wait.
The chips are to die for.
I put on four pounds the last time I was in.
-And me surgeon's a pioneer you know.
-Is he? It's amazing what they can do these days.
Apparently we don't even need our appendix any more.
Makes you wonder why we're still born with 'em, don't it? Right.
Where is she? Where's my favourite little niece? -He's seen you.
-Bollocks, keep talking.
He's coming over.
-What, now? -Yeah, now.
-Has he definitely seen me? -He's definitely seen you.
Oh, God.
I think he's got a hard on.
Where is she? Where's my little Lisa? -Uncle Terry! -Come here! Do I have to? As the Pope once said, ''Come hither under my cloak.
'' You're lovely, aren't you? Don't you look bonny? -Barry? -What, love? Get over there and save your daughter.
Pervert alert.
I'm on me way as we speak.
-Hiya, Dad! -Hi.
God, I'm so sorry.
Give me five minutes.
I'm nearly ready, I promise.
Hairbrush.
Hairbrush.
Hairbrush.
(LAUGHS) You're a gem.
-Did you get a beer? -No.
Nice, isn't it? Very.
I knew you would like it.
Fridge.
Now, mister.
I said now! -What if he's had a crash? -Oh, he won't have had a crash.
At least if he had, he'd bloody well tell you.
LISA: But, he said 7:00.
Well, he's probably just watching footy or something.
Oh, he won't do that.
Not on me mum and dad's fortieth.
-He wouldn't be that mean.
-Why don't you just phone him? Be back in a minute.
-I don't think so.
-I said I'm sorry.
What you want from me, baby? Blood? (DANCE SONG PLAYING) Lordy, Lordy, Lordy.
That's a pair of traffic stoppers, if ever I saw them.
Yo! Comrades.
Oh! Happy anniversary.
Spice rack for Sue and screw driver set for you, Barry.
Oh, smashing, that is, Jim.
Smashing.
-Sue, spice rack.
-Yeah, lovely.
Hey, gorgeous.
Think of a number between one and ten.
-What? -Go on.
Between one and ten.
-Seven? -Wrong! Sorry.
Oh, shucks! Now you gonna have to take all your clothes off.
Oh! Saucy sausage, you are.
Bloody right I am, you little minx.
You don't need to worry.
I don't.
Keeps him out of mischief, a bit of flirting.
I'm Margaret, I'm his wife.
-I'm Jim.
-Hello, Jim.
I'm not the jealous type.
And I can tell you're not either.
Life is short enough.
In a world full of death and disaster, what's the point of worrying they're gonna run off together.
Cross the bridge when you get there, that's my motto.
Fancy a sit down? (BEEP) -Hello, chicken.
-Happy anniversary.
-It's a radio alarm clock.
-Ahh! Lovely.
-For the back bedroom.
-Lisa said the other one broke.
Twenty eight years, we had that thing.
They don't make things like these, do they? You watch.
That'll conk out after a couple of months.
Load of old tat probably.
It will be fine, won't it, Barry? More than fine, my cherry blossom.
-How's the little bean coming along? -Okay, thanks.
Can't stop eating.
Me thighs are like tree trunks, but I'm sure it's all worth it.
Sure, you won't be saying that, when they are stitching your snatch back together, love.
SHELLEY: Hiya.
Where is Mr Wonderful? I've been trying to tell everyone, Lisa.
I don't need a man.
None of us do really.
If you think about it.
No, you just haven't found the right one.
I'm very lucky with Simon.
In a word, girth.
(LAUGHING LOUDLY) They found another little critter last March, on me left kidney.
I was knocked for six, Jim.
I had only just got over the shock of the first.
Have you ever had a polyps, love? Not that I know of.
They are like bloody snipers.
Pop-up when you least expect it and cause nowt but grief.
Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
All right, Denise? Fancy a drink, love? Oh, no thanks.
I'm not drinking.
And before you ask, I don't want to meet you in town for coffee, either.
Nor lunch.
Not even a nice little bistro.
I don't like the cinema.
I hate walking in the park.
I despise sushi.
I don't like cocktails and I don't want a relationship, okay? I don't want a relationship.
Me bird's coming in half an hour.
Just thought you might want a drink that's all.
Oops! I'm a right idiot.
-What's happened? -(DEEP SIGH) I wish I was a bit more like you sometimes, Shelley.
-How do you mean? -You just don't take any shit.
Nothing gets past you, does it? I mean, obviously we all know, you let Greg get away with murder but But think about it.
Everyone's got an Achilles tendon, haven't they? I suppose they have.
DENISE: We're all a bit of push over when it comes to fellas, us birds.
Doesn't take away from the fact that your total dynamite at work though.
Does it? Oh, well.
Well? Ta-da.
Dan? You okay, love? Oh! Oh? Is that all you've got to say? Oh? -If you just give a chance to explain.
-Explain what? -That you are a nutjob? -Don't be ridiculous.
Go on then, explain.
This is my wedding photo.
-I know.
-You stole it.
You nicked it from my house.
You broke in.
What else have you took, you fuckin' weirdo? Me toothbrush, me shoes.
Pair of duds from the washing basket.
You don't understand.
-Oh, I think I do.
-No, you don't! You think it's been easy for me, since I lost Martin, and you're always here every five minutes.
(MIMICKING DAN) Oh, It's fine, Kate.
I'll get you new taps, Kate.
Of course I can, Kate.
I'll keep a secret with you, Kate.
Anything you want, Kate.
Oh, and you make a cracking bacon sandwich, Kate.
You were seducing me.
And I fancied you! What did you expect from me? To run a mile? You've burgled me house.
You've stuck your face, on a photo of my wife.
That's my wife! That's my wedding day.
How dare you? She doesn't want you any more.
The sooner you see it, the better.
You know nothing about what Lisa wants.
People move on, people change.
I know you are angry and upset.
But, that's just the shock of seeing the photo.
It's just a photo.
It's not real.
You and I can move on from this, Dan please.
You and I? You and I? You really are a fuckin' lunatic, aren't you? -Just give me a chance.
-You You got one chance.
And that's no chance, you silly cow.
We could make this work though, Dan.
I know it.
Please.
It was all bullshit.
Wasn't it? All that about Lisa and Jack.
No, I saw them kissing.
Just 'cause you fancied your chances with me.
You could have ruined my marriage.
-(GLASS BREAKING) -What are you gonna do, eh? Bump me off, like you did your poor bastard of a husband.
I don't think so somehow.
You've got a head full of fairground music, you have, haven't you? You freak.
Pathetic.
Can we have Barry and Sue on the dance floor please? Now we all know Barry and Sue in one way or another.
And we have all come here tonight to celebrate 40 years of wedded bliss.
Stop talking shit.
Thanks everyone for coming.
And thanks for your patience with the missing buffet.
I can assure you, it's on its way as we speak.
Um.
Well.
I just like to say.
Thanks, really.
I suppose.
To my mum and dad.
And sorry, 'cause I know I can be a bit of a pain in the arse.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
This is shit.
It's great, carry on.
Well, basically They bought me whatever I wanted, every single Christmas, since I was nought, which is so bloody kind.
And me mum helps me with me washing.
'Cause I just can't do it without shrinking things and running the colours together.
Ask Dan how badly I ruin his shirts when he gets here.
Honest, just ask.
And me dad, he keeps our garden so neat.
'Cause Dan can't do it you see 'cause he's allergic to grass.
(LAUGHING) I wish he would hurry up, so that you could ask him.
I just wish he'd hurry up.
Mum.
Dad.
Thank you.
I just think you're ace.
DAVE: Round of applause for Lisa, everyone.
And now I'm going to put on a very special song.
For the very wonderful Mr and Mrs H.
Oh! It's all right, Mum.
It's just the lager talking.
Go on.
(SONG PLAYING) Please, Shell.
Just dance with me.
Hey, love, where was I? Oi! Get your hands off my missus.
Oh! Jim! -Can we go outside? -What? Now? -Yeah.
Now.
-Too right.
Fancy a jive, my love? I'll jive with you, Terry.
But you've got another think coming, if you think it's gonna lead to anything to do with your truncheon.
-Get 'em off.
-Stop it.
Stop it for one minute, will you? -What's the matter? -It's us.
I want to finish.
No, you don't.
I can't be with you any more.
And I'm leaving you for good.
This time.
Babes? You promised me no more lies.
I haven't lied.
What have I lied about? You had a car crash, didn't you? You had a car crash.
And you didn't even tell me about it.
Why wouldn't you tell me? We were playing cards.
I'm sorry.
I thought you'd kick off.
So, you lied and said you were mugged instead.
Can you not see how bad that is? It's twisted.
But, you can't help yourself, can you? Nothing is normal any more.
You have fucked it all up.
And I don't want this any more.
But you love me.
-You love me, don't you? -I said, it's not enough, Greg.
I can't live like this.
Bricking it, when the postman comes out to bring me a parcel, that's your fault.
That bastard that came round, he nearly broke my jaw.
Every time there is a knock on the door.
I think, it is him coming back to knock me teeth in or something.
And he took me car.
What else, Greg? What else? And they are gonna come and take it and it's all your fault.
I've had enough.
Yes, Greg I love you.
I always will.
I want a divorce.
(INDISTINCT TALKING) I'm sorry, I'm late.
I've been so worried.
Where are the sarnies? I'm so sorry.
You don't need to be sorry.
I'm sorry.
I don't care that he kissed you.
-I nearly messed everything up.
-I just want us to be together.
-I've been so bloody stupid.
-I should have listened to you.
-It's all my fault.
-I don't care.
It doesn't matter any more.
-I shouldn't have taken you for granted.
-You don't take me for granted.
I love you, Lisa.
Always have.
Always will.
Well? Don't you love me too? Of course, I do, you knob.
Oi, you two.
Where's the egg sarnies? I'm famished.
-I fancy some ribs.
-Oh, me too.
Chicken fried rice.
Singapore vermicelli.
Prawn crackers, sweet and sour dip.
Oh, stop it, will ya? Should we do one? -We can't.
-Yeah, we can.
No one will notice.
Too busy overdosing on coleslaw? And I'm gagging for a shag.
Come on.
(MUSIC PLAYING) (KNOCKING CONTINUES) (INDISTINCT)