Mr. Mayor (2021) s02e05 Episode Script

1 Today is the day.
Isn't that always true, sir? Our sister city mayors start arriving this morning.
Hey, Jayden, I appreciate that you listened when I said, "Try to look nice.
" Oh, can you tell it's from a magician's costume? I think the coat and tie is plenty.
- Oh.
- Okay, this visit isn't just about pleasantries and goodwill.
We have a chance to do real things for the city here.
I mean, Nagoya, Japan, has a bullet train that could get you to San Diego in an hour.
To protest the navy's secret dolphin programs.
And I want to set up a cultural exchange with the mayor of Giza.
The treasures of the pyramids in exchange for some of our cultural artifacts, like Kevin Hart's watch collection.
Kevin Hart lives in my building.
Jayden, we've been over this.
That's a precocious Black child.
And fingers crossed, the mayor of Auckland could be our connection to finally getting some chlamydia-free koalas for the LA Zoo.
Oh! So this event was Jayden's brainchild, so he will have the honor of picking the mayors up from LAX.
This is gonna be amazing.
I finally get to do what I'm good at.
- Keeping it tight? - Negotiating face-to-face, turning on the charm, making deals, cutting through red tape.
I mean, the bureaucracy here I'm still waiting for approval to remove that bust of OJ Simpson.
But today it's just me in a room working my magic.
Oh, if you need a cape.
Last Father's Day, Orly gave me a mug that says, "You got the same hours in a day as Beyoncé.
" Well, today I'm getting more done than she ever dreamed of.
- You can't say that.
- Take it back.
The hive is always listening.
Good weekend? Fantastic.
My downstairs neighbor parked me in, so I couldn't leave the house.
It was a great opportunity for me to have cereal nine times.
Oh, you should've called me.
I love cereal.
Oh, are we calling each other like we interact outside of business hours? Yeah, you're right.
Seems risky.
Ooh, was that flirting? Well, let me go get a plate, 'cause I need some of that dish, girlfriend.
What? No.
Go away.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Do you really think he was flirting? Let's just say that over the years, I have observed a lot of romance.
- I'm my mom's wingman.
- What? Okay, well, there's nothing going on between me and James.
He and I are colleagues, so please don't share your observations with anyone else, okay? No problem, as long as I never experience a lull in conversations, 'cause I can't handle silences.
Like this one.
Oh, God, Mikaela, please say something.
Fill the silence.
I give my cat a bath by licking it! Okay, Orly, pretend you're the mayor of Nagoya.
You want me to pretend to be Japanese? That's appropriation.
Fine, you can do Athens.
Hi, I'm the mayor of Athens.
You know, if you're just gonna phone it in - Is that gunfire? - I can't die today.
My dried flower arrangements are out there.
They're Kelly Clarkson for Wayfair! Okay, back to one, people.
Resetting the pyro.
Excuse me.
Is this a film set? It's a movie.
Megan Fox is playing a senator.
Okay, you're gonna need to shut this down.
The mayor is throwing a party next door.
And we've got permits from the mayor's office.
"The Town 2, colon, Town and Out"? You're shooting LA for Boston? They're gonna change the palm trees to statues of John Adams.
It'll be fine.
But the mayors are coming in an hour.
This is so important to my boss and therefore to me.
If only the exposition in "The Town 2" were that subtle.
We're breaking for lunch in an hour, so today's your lucky day.
Okay, so "hello" in Greek is "yassas.
" "Yes-ass"? I'm not saying that.
Sir, about the commotion outside.
Yeah, why does anyone live on the east side? It's loud, there's no ocean, and every restaurant has to have a concept.
- Here's a concept: Italian.
- Well observed, sir.
Anyway, the headline is: I took care of it.
Well, thank you, Tommy.
You're a lifesaver.
Well, yeah, I know how important today is, so I flexed some muscle and was a real buff boy.
Oh, well, great job.
I don't know what the city would do without you.
A little birdie told me you want to make babies with that I-Team boombalottie.
Damn it, Jayden.
My blood sugar drops right before lunch and I get kind of quiet, and that boy just has to fill the silence.
Okay, well, look, I know what you're gonna say, but don't bother.
There is nothing going on between me and James.
Okay, and what was I gonna say? Uh, dating your coworkers is a terrible idea.
Wrong.
This life of ours doesn't leave a lot of room for love, so you got to get your jollies whenever the Jolly Rancher rolls through town.
And when I was your age, there was a young man I worked with.
Name was Yitzhak Schimmel, Councilman Yitzhak Schimmel.
Damn, Arpi.
You say his name the way I say Regé-Jean Page.
He was a whole snack, that one.
Chest hairs sprouting like onion grass, payos blowing in the wind.
We had a real connection.
How come I've never heard you talk about him? Because nothing happened.
I figured I wasn't his type.
Then he ended up marrying David Spade's stunt woman, so that's how wrong I was.
I don't want that for you.
Yeah, I don't want any of that for me.
So take your shot.
Yeah, okay.
I mean, I haven't had to make the first move with anyone since my aesthetician separated my eyebrows, but I can do this, right? I'm not used to playing the BFF role, so I looked up some girl power quotes online.
"Being in the Spice Girls was an insane experience.
" - Melanie Chisholm.
- Yeah, it was.
Okay, I got this.
But remember, per human resources, you only get to ask once, so don't blow it.
Oh, yeah, okay.
If he wants to be your lover, he's got to get with your friends.
That's a good one, Arpi.
Oh, picking up mayors, rhyming with "mayors" ♪ Some horses are mares ♪ What else rhymes with "mayors" ♪ Uh, no, son.
I'm coming, mayors! Okay, that's lunch.
Catering is in that old house on Irving.
Where is the farthest bathroom? Raj, as far as I'm concerned, you don't exist till after lunch.
All right, is there lunch is at? It most certainly is, your excellency.
- Right this way.
- Oh.
Welcome.
What an honor this is.
Please come in, come in.
Where is your farthest bathroom? Far up the stairs, last door on the left.
Yeah.
"Yes-ass.
" Oh, okay.
Thank you for coming straight here.
I hope you're not too tired.
No, I took some of my stepson's ADHD medication, so I am flying.
Ooh.
Some of these guys do not match the pictures you printed out.
Oh, profile pics never match reality, sir.
Mine, very misleading.
Well, time to make some deals.
Watch and learn, Tommy.
This'll be like watching Michael Jordan jump up and throw the ball and it goes through a ring and then Stay in your lane, buddy.
The cryptocurrency I'm really into is called Batmancoin.
And if you're looking to buy some, I'm looking to sell all of mine.
Well, it sounds wonderful.
Boy, I don't know how you do your day job and take care of all these birds.
- They have machine feeders.
- Oh, look at that.
I always change my shoes at lunch for energy.
If all your shoes are brown, you won't affect continuity.
What a beautiful proverb.
Oh, here we go.
What's up? Working for the weekend? I am actually doing that Buzzfeed quiz you sent me, and the Buzzfeed quiz I'm most like is the one where you find out which Buzzfeed quiz you're most like.
Wow, I'm caught in a vortex.
Totally.
Anyways, uh I's only got one chance to make this count, so listen good to what I'm telling ya, capisce? Guys like "The Sopranos," whatever.
Hold on, you have something - Is that a Breathe Right strip? - Oh.
Oh, okay, we're gonna have to cut that out.
No, I can get it later.
Um, but weekend, what are you doing during it? I was gonna go see my friend's play, but then I realized I would rather lose that person as a friend.
Oh, sorry.
It's just, I'm also free Saturday for once, so I thought maybe you And I could, um - This better be an emergency.
- It is.
There's been a murder, because I'm killing it.
Now, that's what I call job security.
Oh, my God, Tommy, I don't care.
Neil said that the city was lucky to have me, and I just want to assure you that I don't want your job.
Uh, yeah, I'm not worried about that.
Why are you never threatened by me? I'm smart and I'm ambitious and I am working on my posture.
I got to handle this.
Someone at DWP clicked a bad link, and now there's sewage coming up people's toilets.
Oh.
Wait, was that my shot? That wasn't my shot.
That wasn't it.
Arpi? I just want to thank all of you for being here today.
I always wanted to have a sister, and now I've got six.
Right.
I want to talk about how we can help each other.
Oh, so true.
I mean, think about it.
Me and this guy, same height, doesn't mean we're going out for the same things.
Mate, you ever need a reader, I'm here for you.
Yeah, exactly.
There's no reason we shouldn't be sharing resources.
Let's talk about transportation.
Don't get me started on transpo.
You know, there is a project I'm really excited to help develop, and that's the bullet train.
The "Bullet Train"? The Brad Pitt movie? It's out already.
This guy's crazy.
I know you guys have honed that technology in Japan.
Oh, my God, is this real? I'm six days sober.
Oh, my oh, I am so sorry.
Tommy, don't let him leave.
We got to be part of this bullet train thing.
It's too late.
That project's over.
It is? Yeah, you got to read the blogs, guy.
Susan, thank you for seeing us.
I am well aware of the one-ask policy for interoffice romance.
I respect it.
I respect you.
Okay, what happened? Okay, so you know who James Aniobi is, right? Good face, skin like silk, hard to tell under the suit but the bod seems tight.
Not okay, but I know who you mean.
Okay, so I went to ask him out once, but I only got, like, 3/4 of the way through and we got interrupted.
I never actually finished the question, so that doesn't count as my ask, right? Hmm.
Interesting.
It was a checked swing, Susan.
Her bat did not cross the plate.
- Ball one.
- What exactly did you say? I said, "I'm also free Saturday, and maybe you and I could," and then I got cut off.
How's that a question? Her voice didn't go up at the end.
Well, you definitely started asking him out.
But she could've been about to say anything.
"Maybe you and I could not go to dinner.
" "Maybe you and I could each contribute "to my nephew's school fundraiser.
The arts budget has been slashed.
" Ms.
Shaw, your language was vague.
And since the other case on my desk is a guy who was photographing his female coworkers' bellies under a conference table and ranking them, I am desperate for any example of positive human interaction.
So you get one more ask.
- Yes.
- Rock and roll.
Was I on that tummy list? You won your age group.
Oh! Hey, keep people out of there.
The mayor of Nagoya is either taking a shower or running the shower to mask something worse.
Yeah, Jayden, the mayors are weird.
What did you do? Well, they seem normal to me, but you know mayors.
Look, I'm sorry I haven't gotten them there yet.
Turns out, this vehicle isn't allowed on the highway, but I did get to meet a motorcycle police lady.
Wait, what are you talking about? I'm saying that I had to take side streets, which means turning, and this is more of a go-straight car.
But the mayors are here.
Did he just what the Ah, chlamydia's not so bad.
What you should be worried about is the fact that Y2K did happen and this is all a simulation.
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, Jayden, get them here now.
Okay, but if I drive too fast, the water's gonna spill out of the hot tub.
You know, I can cry on command just like Anne Hathaway.
Boy, you know, that mayor looks a lot like the guy from the background of "Riverdale," you know, who became a meme 'cause he did so much pointing.
Okay, Orly, we have a little situation here.
These aren't mayors.
They are How do you say it in English Randos, and your father doesn't know, - so you have to tell him.
- No way.
He'll get all embarrassed, and then he'll be in a bad mood.
And I need him to sign a permission slip so I can go on a school field trip to Ibiza.
- Veda's dad is Diplo, so - Okay, well, I need this to go well so I'll get a 15% raise at the end of the year because I cannot live within my means, Orly.
Okay, but what are we gonna do? I mean, he's gonna find out eventually.
Would I crack your back for you? - Please? - I guess.
Here you go.
Okay, we need to stall until the real mayors get here.
If I learned anything interning for Lindsey Graham, it's that you never tell the boss about the problem until you have a solution, unless you like getting put in the naughty closet.
Where is your farthest bathroom? Sir, how would you like to be upgraded to a speaking role? I'm in the union.
Yeah, yeah, I'll pay your rate.
It's $1,030.
Fine, I'll Venmo you.
Call my last number and ask Jayden what the hell's taking him so long.
- Follow me.
- I really need the I will take you to the bathroom.
Okay.
What up, Tommy from another mommy? Jayden, it's Orly Bremer.
Why do you have Tommy's phone? You "Freaky Friday-ed.
" I believe you, and I'm here to help.
No, I'm just using his phone.
Look, where are you guys? Okay, full disclosure, the ride is taking longer than planned, so I stopped for the mayors to get out and bathroom.
ETA is in flux because I don't know how I got in this spot.
I think somebody moved a wall.
Okay, I feel like Tommy would tell me to yell at you now.
So Jayden! I know.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
How did this happen? Okay, last question.
Am I playing this like I really am the mayor, or am I a guy convincing him I am the mayor? Do you really think you're skilled enough that those layers are gonna show? Get in there.
Ho! There's my buddy.
Ti kanes.
You enjoying yourself? Yes and no.
I have some problems.
- Oh, you do? - I'm just kidding.
I love you.
I brought you this gift.
- Open it.
- Oh, God.
He's giving him an imaginary box.
Oh, oh, oh, I get it.
This is a symbol that what we're giving each other is intangible.
Please, accept my box.
That's not a box.
Maybe I'm talking too much.
You tell me, how can we be helpful to the people of Athens? Give me the codes.
No, I'm sorry.
The codes? - I need the codes.
- The codes.
I don't have much time.
Do you maybe mean telephone number? 'Cause I'm happy to give you my direct line.
Nope, sir, I wouldn't.
You think you can seduce me with this life? The shrimp, the champagne, the wallpaper, the chairs, the banister, the other chair, all the shrimp? Everything I do is for you and your sister.
- Yes, yes - No.
No, no, we are all sisters, yes.
I agree with No, please, don't Oh, God! What just happened? - I don't know.
- Bye, Dad, love you.
I don't get this.
I I'm great in a room, but I just I have made two of these guys storm out.
And the mayor from Makati, she started to FaceTime her dog when I tried to engage her about cybersecurity.
Have I lost my touch? No, sir, you didn't do anything wrong.
I did, and I didn't want to tell you before I fixed it.
These people aren't really mayors.
What? Well, then who are they? There you are.
Adnan, Bryce, Harvey, the rest of you, I need you on set.
Grandpa Tall Guy, let's go.
No, no, no, I'm the mayor.
Nice try.
The mayor doesn't work till Friday, and he's Black.
White mayors read as villains.
Tommy, where are the real mayors? You know that strip mall on La Brea with the foot-shaped sign that used to say "Foot Doctor" and now it says "Day Care"? Dan, get the car.
Tommy, come here.
- Sorry.
- You knew this? Oh, what's up? You got more garbage in your hair? Okay.
Um, yeah, I was just I was wondering if you would maybe like to get dinner on Saturday.
Like a date? Like a date.
Right.
Well, I would love to say yes, but I can't.
Oh, you can't.
Oh, cool, cool.
Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
I, um yeah, I can't either.
I just remembered, Saturday, that's when "SNL" is on.
It's a rerun, but Drake It's always fun to see that side of him.
So I'm busy, but anyways, thank you for your hospitality.
Okay.
- It's it's - Okay.
What is that? Oh, please don't hit me.
City Hall has access to so many cars.
- What is this? - I wanted it to be special.
And the guys at Cars of Stars Rentals said that this just screams Los Angeles, which it does if you use the horn.
I think it's David Lee Roth's voice.
Jayden, where are the mayors? They disappeared into the mall.
Am I gonna be executed? Yeah, this is worse than what I did, right, sir? I'm in less trouble than Jayden because Jayden, my friend.
Gentlemen, ma'am, I am so, so sorry.
Oh, I see you got T-shirts.
Oh, and so much more.
We got pizza, excellent omakase, a lunchtime face-lift.
Then we had CBD brownies.
I had copies of all my keys made.
And then a truck full of tacos just appeared.
And I got my nails, uh, did.
Am I saying that correctly? - Actually, you are.
- Oh! And this guy, what a tour guide.
Well, this was the plan.
Welcome to LA.
Hey, why don't we head back to Getty House and then talk turkey? The Turks? They are animals.
- Well, you know, I didn't - I'm kidding.
I know what you mean.
- I'm a little high.
- It happens.
All right, let's take my car, shall we? - Here we go.
- Thank you.
- Welcome to LA.
- Yeah.
- Hey, Tommy.
- Yeah? Jayden's gonna ride with us.
I know you don't want to burden me with problems, so why don't you solve that and then tell me how you did it afterwards? Oh, here.
Nice parking job, you idiot.
"I can't"? What does "I can't" even mean? "I can't because I'm busy"? "I can't because I love you so much and I'm scared of disappointing you"? Look, this was fun before, but someone recorded themselves pulling it out on Zoom, so But can I have a follow-up ask, "Why not?" 'Cause right before he said, "I can't," his eyes were like and I could tell, inside, he was kind of like His words didn't match his eyes.
They were inviting, like a piping-hot stew in a blizzard.
Okay, Mikaela, I want you to think about the last time someone made an unwanted advance toward you.
Richard Dreyfuss at baggage claim.
And would have appreciated a "Why not?" Would that have sat well? Yeah, I see your point.
He did do that, by the way.
I'm sorry, kid.
If you like, I'll help you steal James' cologne so you can spray it on a body pillow.
Please do not do that.
Or maybe we could set you up with whoever whipped it out on Zoom.
Actually, she's married.
Yeah.
Los Angeles ♪ Hey, buddy! Guess what I did with the money.
- Looks like you got fillers.
- I got fillers.
Yeah, but look, you'd never notice.
Thanks, buddy.
Whoo! Los Angeles ♪