Mr. Mayor (2021) s02e06 Episode Script

Venus on the Moon

1 Where's your school uniform? If this is you rebelling, it's kind of lame.
I don't have school.
It's public service week, and I got accepted into a prestigious intern program.
Oh, wow.
Hey, congratulations! Where are we dropping you off? City Hall! Yeah, I got into the Mayor's Youth Leadership Program.
I didn't tell you I applied, because I didn't want you interfering.
You little rascal! Does this mean I get to spend the next couple of days with my little girl? So proud of you.
Okay, well, get that out of your system, because you can't do that at the office.
Look, I got this internship on my own, and I don't want any special treatment.
We're gonna be late to work, Mr.
You didn't tell her that you got her into that program? And you didn't tell me that my security codename is one of "The Golden Girls.
" - I apologize, sir.
- Yeah.
Dorothy Zbornak has left the condo.
Hey, just FYI, James and the I-team are in San Bernardino today.
Umm, okay, and according to Insta, Lil' Kim is at the Culver City Applebee's.
Are we just naming people and places, Tommy? No, it's just everyone thinks you're hiding in here, because James rejected you.
- What? - Hey, kiddo.
What do you say if neither of us is married by the year 20 Get out! Look, I know I idle at shady, but I just wanna make sure you're okay.
Oh, I'm fine.
And I'm not hiding.
I'm just I'm social distancing.
Because I've been chewing garlic cloves because of my toothache.
It's a legit remedy.
I saw it on the Italian grandma side of TikTok.
Okay, well, look.
Silver lining, things wouldn't have worked out with James anyway.
I mean, you have no time for anyone in your life.
What do you mean I don't have time? All you do is work.
I have a life, Thomas.
I mean, my college friends invited me out for drinks tonight, and I am gonna go.
You'll never make it.
You have a proposal to write, a dentist appointment, two Zooms, a virtual bra fitting Okay, I am un-sharing you from my Google Calendar, and I will prove you wrong.
A little extra multi-tasking, and by tonight, I will have forgotten all about James, because I will be all up in that club, Smooching a stranger ♪ We'll see, 'cause Your breath is a hate crime ♪ It's from my toothache.
Oh, hey, Arpi, don't forget, we have the youth leadership program kids today.
Oh, not a good day for me to have witnesses.
I was gonna go down to City Council and push my broadband bill.
These kids think they want to see how the sausage gets made, but today, it's gonna be all rat cheeks and toenails.
We call this room The Bullpen, which is short for bull penis.
Wait, Orly Bremer is part of this? Okay, I'll split them with you, you take the other three, I get Orly.
Oh, so you can do what you do best? Brown-nosing is not what I do best.
It's what I do most.
North Korea has launched missiles at Los Angeles! Now that I have everyone's attention, I would like to introduce the 2022 Mayor's Youth Leadership Program participants.
And in the interest of inclusion, partici-skirts.
Inez Herrera was a finalist in the intel space competition.
She speaks Spanish and Mandarin.
Oh, gosh, it doesn't say English here.
So wel-come I-nez.
Maya Gilmore was invited to the Harvard Model U.
competition, where she crafted a two-state solution for Israel and Palestine that no one had ever thought of before.
Ben Williams is nationally ranked in Lincoln-Douglas debates, and was nominated for a Pulitzer for his photo series on the 2020 protests.
And finally, Orly Bremer is on the Honor Roll, and plays JV field hockey.
I guess the rest of it must not have printed out.
But, um, I know some other stuff about Orly.
She has two horses.
And she's the mayor's daughter.
I don't belong here.
These other kids have done so much more than me.
Just admit you got me into the Youth Leadership Program.
Someone in Community Outreach saw your application, asked me what to do about it.
I didn't say, "Don't let my daughter in.
" I'm a fraud! That's not true, Orly.
Did I get you on the Honor Roll at one of the most competitive schools in Los Angeles? Oh, my God! School! What did you do to help me get into Gregory? Gregory? No, no nothing.
So it's just a coincidence that my first year they broke ground on the Anonymous Tall Dad Science Center? Unbelievable! My whole life, you've been bribing people into letting me think I'm special, like you're Aaron Spelling and I'm Tori! I know you're studying the Spellings in AP Beverly Hills History, but I'm If mom were here, she never would have let you do any of this! She learned from failure.
Yes, yes.
I've seen the videos your mom left for you.
I'm not gonna be around to watch you grow up into this strong, beautiful woman I know you'll be.
Just remember, you learn more from failure than success, baby girl.
I learned that auditioning for "American Pie.
" My second piece of advice: if you're on your period during a lingerie shoot Mom wouldn't have helped me cheat my way into the Youth Leadership Program.
Orly, if you don't think that you got this job on your own, you're free to quit.
No, quitting is what a privileged brat would do.
Those other kids, they worked real hard to be here, and now it's my turn.
You don't want to start by maybe unloading the dishwasher at home? And deprive Cecilia the dignity of a hard day's work? Tommy, I need you to supervise Orly.
Yes! You lose, Jayden.
Oh, okay, well, can we play again later? My daughter has decided that she has been coddled, and now she wants to do real work.
Just give her some basic office stuff to do, please.
Does she know Excel? Because I have some polling data No.
Nothing complicated.
Just point her toward a task any idiot could do and then say "Good job.
" Got it.
I'll put on my kid gloves, and handle your daughter Wow, hearing it, sir.
You know, I'm not the one who said that she should never have a minimum wage job.
I'm, I'm not the one who insisted that she go to private school.
It was Natalie.
Before she died, she laid it all out.
Dead wives.
Can't live with them.
Then, when Orly gets mad at me, I can't exactly go blame her dead mother.
At this point, her only memories of Natalie are from From those videos she made.
Wait, you let her watch those? Excuse me? I pretty much wore out my VHS copy of "Venus on the Moon" with her and Nicole Eggert.
I finally understand what you earthlings mean by super horny.
I wrote a letter to the studio asking them to release it on DVD, but evidently, that company just sells dog toys now.
Thank you, Jayden.
Yes, I'm aware of my wife's late-'90s acting career.
I meant the videos she made for Orly before she died.
I love you baby girl, and I will always be watching you.
Just remember, real modeling agencies don't make you pay for headshots.
I loved that woman.
But now, she's forever perfect, and I'm forever the bad guy.
Come on, sir.
Bad guys are cooler, right? Look at Gru.
Councilman Higbee! Is now a good time? To talk, or in my life? 'Cause I started betting on sports, and I'm pretty addicted I wanna revisit ordinance 462.
Everyone in this city is not owed free broadband internet.
It's crucial to the economy.
People working remotely, people searching for jobs.
Did you know 25 percent of L.
public schoolkids don't have internet at home? So, what? Kids today spend too much time on the internet already.
Why burn more money on "education?" They're all gonna be gig workers and cam girls anyway.
Hang on a second.
Guys! I know I told you to wait outside, but come here.
Councilman Higbee was just talking about the youth of this great city.
Frank, please, go on.
I was just telling the deputy mayor, it won't be long until you kids are running the show.
And I can't wait.
So we can count on your support to bring ordinance 462 to a vote for L.
's future.
- Count me in.
- Kids, let's be sure we record this historic moment.
Already livestreaming it.
Feel that, Frank? That's all 92 pounds of me stepping right on your huevos.
Okay, proposal for library book amnesty, done.
Seating chart for the LACMA banquet, done.
If you believe it, you can achieve it.
And I believe I'm getting drunk tonight.
Hey, so you know how the mayor was supposed to apologize to the Boyle Heights food vendors today? - Uh - Well, our Spanish interpreter was out sick, so I took a crack at it.
Oh, God.
What did you make him say? Mayor Bremer is not hiding a secret love child.
He was told that "embarazada" means "embarrassed," when, of course, it means pregnant.
Absolutely, the mayor is very excited for next week's interfaith council event.
Thank you so much, Archbishop Luna ahem, peace be with you! Well, the mayor will be backing the teachers' union in their quest to adopt the European model of one wine at lunch.
No, Stacey.
When he tweeted that L.
needs more "Law & Order," he was referring to the show, and you know it.
Hi, can I cancel my dental appointment today? Yeah, you know what? I think you're right, Neetza.
Let's go with the B cup.
Well, that was fun.
Over there is a supply closet.
Why don't you kids rearrange everything by color or something? I'll let you know when it's time to leave.
- Wait, Ms.
Meskimen - We know you used us in there.
I'm a child of divorce.
I know when I'm a pawn in a grown-up meeting.
Like you kids say, "Sorry, not sorry.
" Congratulations, you are surprisingly useful.
Well, then, isn't there more that we can do? Oh my gosh, Orly, I am so lucky to have you here today.
Yass, queen! Are people still saying that? - They're definitely not.
- I know.
I hate when they're still saying it.
Anyway, people tend to get a little sleepy in the afternoon, so why don't we get some coffee going? Yass queen.
Great, do I take my dad's SUV or is it better to have everyone type their orders into my Postmates? You can just make it.
With the coffee maker.
You know, I did a paper about how coffee trade helped Brazil transition from an extraction economy to an industrial one.
Good job.
Hello? Hello? City Hall? Hello? There's no one there.
We get a lot of prank calls.
You're doing a good job.
Got it open for you.
Amazeballs is another thing people no longer say.
They told her drinks on a Wednesday was impossible, but nevertheless, she persisted.
I am, in fact, poised to get turnt up.
Really? 'Cause you look like you got burnt up in a house fire.
And you look like Cookie Monster used to use a toilet.
I win.
I'm hitting the "clerb.
" Okay, from professional powerhouse When Maya's school went virtual during the pandemic, her nearest Wi-Fi was in an alley, outside a strip club.
To this day, I can't do calculus unless I'm listening to "Pony" by Ginuwine.
Oh, that's terrible.
As you know, my mother was a dancer at Deja Boob.
Hmm, I'd forgotten that, Herb.
A gentleman's club is not a good place to learn, especially when your English teacher shows up and throws dollars at your mom.
So you're gonna help us move ordinance 462 forward? Well, I promised no new spending this fiscal year.
But for once, let's throw some wadded-up cash at a good cause.
Ben's father worked nights, so he could take his son to the library every day to research his science project.
When I got the blue ribbon, I gave it to him because I didn't win it.
We did.
Things that fathers do for their children.
Not all children appreciate it.
They should.
So, uh, you get the votes, and I will sign that ordinance.
Do you girls also have stories about appreciating your fathers? Same clothes as yesterday.
Someone had a crazy night.
Um, NBD, I went to a guy's place last night.
He had a bed frame and everything.
So hot.
Yeah, it's funny you say that because I did some sleuthing, and your friends didn't tag you in any of their photos.
'Cause I left so quick with that hottie.
Right, but then at 3 A.
, they posted this little nugget.
Fine! I never went inside.
I fell asleep because I have zero life.
All I do is work.
I mean, the other night, I dozed off in a virtual town hall, and when I woke up, the only people still logged in were me and a guy named LickyMick, who I'm pretty sure had been watching me for a while, and Oh! Oh.
- Is that your tooth? - My tooth! What in the living hell is this? It's your lunch.
I ordered chicken nuggets, fries, and ranch dressing! This, this hot vegetable mess? I don't even know what this is.
Well, it's ratatouille, I thought that It is? Oh, so you ruined my lunch and my favorite movie? You are a witch! Okay, wait, please don't be mad at me.
I I can make you a coffee You made that horrible coffee on purpose, you banshee? - Wait, did I do it wrong? - No! Your coffee is great.
It's a drink and a meal.
- Of course I did it wrong.
Because I don't know how to do anything.
But you kept telling me "good job.
" Because my father told you to! I'm sorry that I lost my temper.
It's just that I haven't eaten in like, one hours.
Thanks to you, I never learned how to do anything! You know, when mom was my age, she was modeling in Tokyo, and doing bottle service at a yakuza-owned night club.
So I think she would've let me go get a job at a crappy restaurant or something, so I would know how to make a stupid pot of coffee! Actually, young lady, she's the reason you're completely helpless.
Wow, blaming mom! That is pathetic! Look, mom didn't want you to have to go through all the crap that she did.
You know where she learned how to make coffee? Working at an off-brand Hooters called PJ Bazoingies! I wanted you to go to public school and see what the real world was like.
But your mother said, "It's different for girls.
" And then she died.
And what am I supposed to do with that? I've just tried my best to make decisions she'd be happy with.
I mean, you're not the only one she left videos for.
Do not let our daughter have a job that requires a name tag, or go to college in Florida.
Now, to make sure you keep watching this, I will do a little dance, in my old PJ Bazoingies uniform! No tattoos, no non-ear piercings, Don't let her take French.
Spanish is much more practical.
How could I deny her wishes? You know, having a perfect dead mom isn't easy for me either.
She was so beautiful and smart.
Ugh, and her airport style.
Effortless, straight from the plane to dinner.
The key is a bold lip before landing.
Your mom was beautiful, and she was kind.
But those videos are not the whole picture.
She was a human being, and believe me, if she were alive, you would yell at her just as much as you yell at me.
I wish I could.
I'm pretty sure yelling at your mom is a part of growing up.
If she were here now, I'd be like, "You never even finished high school!" and then call her a bitch, and slam my door, and then feel bad about it all night.
And I would tell Natalie, "I'll talk to her.
" We'd go out for ice cream, and bond over how unreasonable your mom was being.
Not fair.
These are peak daddy years.
Oh, wait a minute.
I'll be right back.
Hey, I'm sorry your dad made me lie to you.
If it were up to me, I'd always tell you how terrible you are.
Thanks, Tommy.
That means a lot.
- To government! - Woo! Today, we took our system one step closer to its perfect form: an agricultural matriarchy! High-speed internet.
I'll be able to do my homework at home! And people will stop watching porn at McDonald's! This ordinance 462 is huge, kids.
As soon as we can get it voted on, the mayor will sign it, and we will have successfully earmarked monies for the next fiscal year! That earmark will allow us to form a committee to assess viability, while internet service providers prepare bids for no later than calendar year 2025! Hot dog! Wait, so we're not getting internet, like, tomorrow? No.
But monies will be earmarked.
Well, this sucks.
It would've been faster to convince - a billionaire to pay for it.
- Whoa.
Privatization of social services Capitalist nightmare! You want an ambulance that only picks you up if you drink Pepsi? The battle is hard, but at least I'm fighting the establishment.
Arpi, you are the establishment.
Oh, sir, can I talk to you for a second? You okay? Yeah, sir, I make a lot of sacrifices to be good at my job, and I promise you I am trying as hard as I can.
Me too.
And you can't worry if people judge your decisions, because they're not in your shoes.
Preaching to the choir.
So I need to carve out a little time for self-care.
Of course, whatever you need.
Three hours every Sunday morning.
You can have 30 minutes.
Deal! Vote Meskimen in '86, and I promise a free payphone on every street corner, and zero NFL teams in this great city! My God.
Those kids were right.
I have lost the fire.
Hey, I heard about ordinance 462.
- Nice earmark.
- It's a joke.
I gotta get my mojo back, Tommy.
30 years of compromising bureaucracy.
I don't even recognize myself anymore.
Free Nelson Mandela! Is something I promise to do personally! I gotta get back to being that lady.
She had a perm in her hair, a pad on her shoulder, and a fire in her belly.
Okay, are you asking me to Queer Eye you? Because I don't do that.
Okay, I know all the time codes by heart, so just do your thing.
Orly, do you have something you want to say to your mother? You are such a hypocrite! How could you tell dad I can't have a tattoo when I know you have one? I saw your spread in "FHM.
" How dare you speak to me that way? I make the rules around here.
Well it's easy to make the rules, if you don't have to enforce them.
Should've thought of that before you came to the moon, astronaut.
Now teach me what you humans call "making love.
" You probably wouldn't even let me dye my hair, even though, like, everyone else at school is doing it.
You are such a bitch! I know you think I'm a bitch, but you're not getting rid of me that easily.
Okay, okay.
Look, maybe I should take Orly out for some ice cream.
Just give you time to cool down.
Go with Zorblap.
I don't care.
Fire up the ecstasy ray, and set a course for Planet Orgasmo Ooh, whoops! My bad.
Sorry, sir.
It's okay.
It's so sweaty in this uniform.
I need a space shower.
Turn it off, Jayden! What? Turn what off?
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