Mr. Mom (2019) s01e06 Episode Script

Date Night

1 [WHISPERS.]
Oh, my God, okay, okay.
[INHALES.]
- [KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
- [GREG.]
Honey, the babysitter called.
She's got to bail tonight.
Something about her dog dying.
[MOUTHING.]
Oh, thank you! That is just That sucks! - Oh.
- [GREG.]
I know! I think Stan has a sitter he really likes.
We can call her.
Well, Stan? [GREG.]
Yeah, I got no problem with that.
Unless you're too tired.
God.
Yeah.
No, I'm raring to go.
I want to, but are you? Are you tired? You seemed Yeah, I'm stoked! So stoked, I'm using the word "stoked.
" Me too! Let's do this! Let's do it, let's party.
[GREG.]
Date night! Stoked! Oh, my God, Natalie, thank you so much, - for coming on such short notice.
- Of course! - [MEGAN.]
We really appreciate it.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, no worries at all.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- Appreciate it - Thanks.
- Appreciate it.
Thank you.
- You're welcome Um, the kids are, um, down the hall And, um, [CHUCKLES.]
snuggle bug.
And, uh, this should be a relatively easy evening for you - and I printed up all of the - Yeah, totally easy.
- bedtime, instructions - Oh, great, thank you.
How much are you? Oh, how much do I charge? - For babysitting, yes.
- Yeah.
[MEGAN.]
I've actually got that set up on Venmo.
The kids are in their room.
Let me just give you a quick tour.
- Awesome.
- The bedtime instructions are all printed out.
You shouldn't have any trouble at all.
[PHONE RINGING.]
[STAN ON PHONE.]
You're welcome! For sabotaging me? I did you a favor, dude.
Stan, she's too hot.
I wouldn't have worn this dorky sweater if I knew she was coming over.
I would've gotten a hair cut.
Oh, you do need a hair cut.
Tell her Stan said, "What's up?" No, I'm not gonna tell her that you said anything.
[MEGAN.]
And so if we just come right back through here, - where the bathroom is, um - [MUMBLES.]
on this side.
Yeah, it's over there.
To the, uh two rights and then a left.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- It's my [CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY.]
- You were right.
- You were right.
- Aw.
Big wheel.
I took Okay, um, so you have Greg's cell phone, in case mine doesn't pick up.
- I didn't give it to her.
- No, I know.
I did.
Yeah.
Where are you guys heading, by the way? Uh, you know, I don't know.
We're probably just gonna keep it loose.
- Spontaneous.
- [LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
That's code for "He doesn't have a plan.
" I don't.
Oh! Have you guys been to Buzz Smut? - I don't got to those websites anymore.
- But Oh, no, it's an underground speakeasy, at the back of this fake barber shop.
Oh, it's a restaurant.
Yeah, you guys have to go.
I'll text you guys the password.
- Oh, it has a password, - It has a pass - Yeah, there's a password.
- Oh, you're aware of places - that have passwords.
I'm sure Oh.
- Yeah, it changes every week, probably.
Mm-hmm, I get it just before 11:30 right when it opens.
Right.
11:30 p.
m.
? Yeah, you know what? Send it to us.
Why not? - Cool.
- Okay.
You might wanna change your sweater.
But yours is perfect.
- Oh! - Change this one.
[NATALIE.]
Yeah, or just take it off.
Just leave it in the car.
- Ready for Buzz Smut! - Cool.
- Have fun you guys! - [MEGAN.]
Thanks! - All right.
- And I'm fine to stay - till whenever so, take your time.
- Oh, great.
- [NATALIE.]
No rush.
- Okay! Thanks.
- Thanks for being so flexible.
- Of course.
- With your time.
- Yes.
[MEGAN.]
All right, you kids be good.
I love you! - You listen to Natalie.
- Bye, kiddos, we love you guys.
The two kids Those are the ones I love.
Bye.
Bye, guys.
- [MEGAN.]
Natalie's in charge! - Bye, bye, bye.
[SIGHS.]
In what world are you going to a bar at 11:30? In a world where you're getting up with the kids tomorrow morning.
Fine.
But you better tie one on tonight then.
Oh, yeah! I'm totally gonna party tonight.
You said that and your eyes went a little droopy.
- I'm partying tonight.
- I'm not convinced.
Well, you wait and see.
- Alright, well, where do you wanna go? - Where are we going? - Um - What about Uh, we could go, let's just go to the usual spot.
What about that new Thai place in Chester Square? - You wanna try that out? - No way.
Stan gave the place a D and he eats in gas stations.
What about Chili's? - Have you met me? - But the skillet queso.
Yeah, then I have to listen to you fart it out all night.
That's the price you pay for deliciousness.
Well, that's the price I pay for your deliciousness.
- All right.
- Um - Mmm.
What about, um - What about What about Homerun? For old time's sake.
I can't eat cheese steaks and tater tots.
Come on, work with me.
What about Oh, you liked Stella's last time.
- Stella's? - Yeah.
No.
The strongest drink they have is a rose.
- [SIGHS.]
- I'm not drinking rose in public.
Oh, my goodness.
Just pick a place.
Don't think about it.
Just go, "Three, two, one.
" And say it.
- Okay.
- Three, two one.
- Red Lobster.
- Let's go to Chili's.
[SIGHS.]
No, I don't want to go to Chili's.
Why not? You just wanted to go to Chili's.
It gives me an upset stomach.
[SIGHS.]
Why don't we go to the two places we want.
We'll have an appetizer at one place and a main course at the other? That's ridiculous.
What do you mean? What else are we gonna do? We still have three hours before the club starts.
To be honest, if I sat in this car for the next three hours and didn't move, I'd be happy.
So you're finally giving up the act? - What act? - Yeah, you know the act.
- [SCOFFS.]
- Yeah, don't play a player.
"Play a player"? - Please.
- I have no idea what you're talking about right now.
- You don't know what I talk about? - I really don't.
Okay, every Friday night I would come home from work exhausted, but I would rally myself, because I knew you'd been stuck at home with the kids all week.
- Oh, please! - Yeah.
You always wanted to go out! Am I being you now? Yeah.
- Oh, my God! - Yes! - Um, okay.
- I'm on to you.
No, that's it.
That's it.
Let's do it.
Let's go.
- Let's go.
I just needed a little push.
- Okay.
- I'm ready to go.
Let's do it.
- Listen, I don't want I don't wanna do it if you don't wanna do it.
No, I wanna do it.
I think it'll be good for us.
I'm excited now.
- I'm awake.
I needed to get - You don't have to, we could just - We could go back inside.
- No, only you are the one - that doesn't wanna go! - I just wanted to you to I wanted you to admit that you were doing what I was doing, so you could see how I feel and now you've admitted it, so it's over.
Let's just go inside.
- You don't wanna go out.
- I I wanna go out.
- You do not want to go out.
- Yes, I do.
- No, you don't.
- Of course I wanna go out.
I've been stuck at home all week.
Of course I wanna go out.
Okay.
You know what? We're gonna stay home right now, for me.
But, I just want you to know, that I know, that it's you who doesn't wanna go out.
- Let's stay home.
- All right, we'll stay home then.
- Okay.
- Okay, let's stay home.
- Let's go inside.
Okay.
- All right, let's just go inside.
Come on.
But the kids are still awake right now.
[GREG.]
Let's just get take-out.
Indian food? [MEGAN.]
Mexican? Let's just get out of here.
[ENGINE STARTING.]
Hannah should be in bed.
She's fired after this.
Let's just go in.
I'm starving.
No, we guaranteed her two hours.
So we'll pay her two hours for the privilege of getting our house back.
I'm not above that.
This is so embarrassing.
Who are we? Coming home before 9:00.
[BOTH SIGH.]
Okay, let's just eat one egg roll, and it'll tide us over until Hannah goes to bed.
Okay.
Let's have one each.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Oh, my God, this is so good.
- Mmm.
- Let's eat in the car? - Let's eat.
Yeah.
- [MOUTHFUL.]
Here you go.
- Yeah.
Chop me.
[BOTH CHEWING.]
[MEGAN.]
Oh, my God! This is the best food I've ever had in my life.
[MOUTHFUL.]
I know, why is it so good? Too bad we don't have that bottle of wine your uncle gave us.
- Why would you even say that? - Tempted? Now, we have to go in.
But, I don't want her to see us.
I have a plan.
Do we still have that surveillance equipment? - You mean the baby monitor? - Cover me.
Your Bluetooth's on, I can hear you.
Stay down.
Quiet.
Quiet.
Careful.
Hide behind the couch! [SHUSHES.]
She heard you.
Nice! Good job.
Oh, my God! [WHISPERING.]
You're like Tom Cruise! [GASPS.]
They're on the move.
Greg, they're coming, get out of there.
Did you get it? Greg! Did you get it? [SCREAMS.]
Oh! - [BOTH LAUGHING.]
- Oh, my God.
Did you get a corkscrew? [LAUGHS.]
- [LAUGHING.]
You're my hero! - [BOTH SHUSHING.]
[IN OLD LADY VOICE.]
Carol Anne, don't go toward the light, Carol Anne.
This house is clean.
- Poltergeist? - Yeah, good.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- I said I can.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Who can cry first? Go! Yeah.
I got it.
- Oh, that's a little tear! - Booyah! Yeah! Nailed it.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Chizzeers! I spy with my little eye, the tree that someone backed into because they couldn't reverse the car, while wearing pedicure flip-flops.
[LAUGHING.]
Not that's not You don't know about that.
You don't know about that.
Pour some wine Pour some wine - What is this song? Ready? - Mm-hmm.
- I have no idea! - Yes, you do.
Listen, wait.
- [CHOPSTICKS CLATTERING.]
- That sounds [SHOUTS.]
Yeah! I'm doing it.
You getting it? 'Cause I'm doing it.
[BOTH DRUMMING.]
Yeah.
Get the timpani.
- [SCREAMS.]
- [EXCLAIMS.]
- Sorry.
- [LAUGHING.]
It's Natalie! - Hi, Natalie! - Hi! Oh, yeah.
- Hi! - Hello! Hi, I'm sorry to interrupt.
No, that's okay.
Um, are you guys gonna come inside? Or are you just staying out here all night? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
We did not go to Buzz Smut.
They're not open yet.
[LAUGHING.]
[TOILET FLUSHING.]
Don't go dying on me.
I'm gonna grab us a drink and I'll be right back.
No, either we do this right now, or you go get a drink and lose me forever.
Okay, despite the fact you look really in the mood [CHUCKLES.]
I know what you really want.
[CHUCKLES.]
I love you.
I love you too.