Mr. Mom (2019) s01e05 Episode Script
Good Cop, Good Cop
1 [GREG.]
Hannah, please stop.
One second.
- If I can get - [SCATTING.]
I gotta button your tutu here.
Otherwise it's gonna fall off during the recital.
You're not gonna have any more No, no, no, Zack, Zack, Zack, Zack, give me that.
- Oh, God.
Here.
- Dad! Take some tissue and clean that off.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
What's going on with your feet? Oh, no, no, no, no, they got all dirty.
We gotta rinse you off real quick.
[SCREAMS.]
[GROANS.]
I want Mommy.
[PANTS.]
Believe me, sweetheart, so do I.
[RILEY.]
Ladies and gentlemen, we have our first G and A product line assignment.
For you guys.
[SPENCER GRUNTS.]
Okay, let's get the ball rolling.
Band-Aids.
Here we go.
What do you got? You know, this just seems like a lost gauze.
Oh, there he goes.
I like it.
- - Spencer draws first blood.
[CHUCKLING.]
- - Well, I don't know about you guys, I think we should really stick together on this.
- [SPENCER CHUCKLES.]
- Yes, Blythe.
Yeah, I'm not too excited for lunch today.
- [RILEY.]
Hmm.
- I heard they're passing out cold cuts.
- Suture self.
- Ah! [CHUCKLES.]
- - [RILEY.]
You guys, cut it out.
- Hey, yo, Megan.
- Oh, yeah.
- This is, uh, kind of our process.
- Mmm-hmm.
We do a bunch of bad puns and it gets the ball rolling.
Oh, I see.
That's fun, um Well, why don't we, um, get the bandage back together? [CHUCKLES.]
You'll get there.
What Don't pour salt in the wound.
Ooh! [ALL LAUGH.]
- There she is! - Oh, thanks, thank you.
Oh, my God, hey, Megan, you could use your kids as guinea pigs for the adhesive bandages.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You know, whatever it takes.
Let's really, like, test their pain tolerance.
[LAUGHTER.]
Sounds a little abrasive.
Maybe we should wrap this up.
- Oh! - [LAUGHTER.]
Two in one.
[CHUCKLES.]
Can I ask you something? - Serious question.
- Yeah, ask.
Is there anything that you don't throw a party for? Uh, I wouldn't throw a party for Stan's funeral.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, for real though, you did an amazing job decorating.
Or rather, your housekeeper did.
You're lucky to even be invited.
Oh, come on, I love girls' dance recital parties.
I heard it.
That sounded terrible.
Actually that was right on brand for you, Stan.
[GROANS.]
Chelsea, you need to stop flirting with me.
- It's gross.
- Oh, you wish, dude.
Dad, can we please have a pool? - [STAN.]
Ooh.
- [CHELSEA.]
Ooh.
That's a good idea.
I could come over and tan.
Please, Dad, can we? Is it your cold heart that puts those blue streaks in your hair? No, honey.
I already told you no.
Last week she was obsessed with trampolines.
Now it's all about pools.
Well, it's okay.
Look, I just bought a little pool to fill with swans for the party, but turns out Oscar's allergic to swan.
- You can have it.
- No.
[STUTTERS.]
Dad code, man.
Don't throw me under the bus.
Sorry.
Sorry, Hannah.
Your daddy loves the word "No.
" You're mean! [ALL.]
Ooh.
Hey, Hannah, never accept gifts from a grown man in costume.
[CHELSEA.]
Oh.
I [SIGHS.]
Stop hanging out with your aunt.
It's true though, man.
You're super mean.
Remember when you wouldn't let me keep my motorcycle in your kitchen? That was 3:00 in the morning.
You were drunk, you woke up my kids.
It was raining.
- Aw! Aw! - [MUSIC PLAYING ON CELL PHONE.]
Oh, my gosh.
Look at our little ballerina.
So grown up.
- [CHUCKLING.]
- [VIDEO STOPS.]
[SNIFFS.]
[GREG.]
She comes home the other night, and this is after I've been cooking for an hour.
- Chopping scallions.
- Cooking.
- I even went to the farmers market.
- What? Yeah.
And she comes in with a pizza.
Dude.
Well, did she at least send it by Pizzamail? No, but I like where your head is at.
I love you, bro.
She's totally playing the good cop card.
Oh, man.
That was your thing! I know! That was my thing! [SIGHS.]
[GREG.]
I don't want to be the bad cop.
I'm I'm dealing with crap all day, like literally.
Stan, I've had poop on me.
I get it.
I know what you're talking about.
I just want, like, a little validation.
Gee, Dad, thanks for keeping us alive.
All right, listen.
I got your solution.
Stop saying no, man.
Be a yes dad, all right? "Dad, can I have a sleepover?" "Yes.
" "Dad, can I download this app?" "Yes.
" "Dad, can I watch a scary movie?" "Yes.
" It's that simple.
That's how you win.
[IMITATES EXPLOSION.]
So this is what divorce does to you? Very funny.
You're not getting it.
All right.
Check this out.
Wow! Look at all this candy.
Can we have some? [CHUCKLES.]
Yes! - [KIDS CHEERING.]
- [CANDY CLATTERING.]
See? You should probably only do that with your own kids.
That's how I get them in the bath.
Yes, absolutely, and we'll have packaging available for deep dish as well.
It's actually better for the environment, because we use less Styrofoam.
The crust is thicker.
Yeah.
So you need less packa We don't use Styrofoam.
We're a green company, sir.
A g Okay, I'll just take that as a yes.
I'll be in touch.
Thanks.
Can we watch a movie, Dad? Wow.
Ninety minutes goes by fast.
- Did you already finish the other one? - Yep.
[STAN.]
Be a yes dad.
Okay, sure, why not? Can we have brownies? Go for it.
Can we also skip baths tonight? Absolutely.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Somebody order a trampoline? [CHEERING.]
[MEGAN.]
Hey.
I'm home.
Where is everyone? Oh.
- Who are you? - Who are you? Well, I'm I live here.
Where's your mom? I don't talk to strangers.
Can I have a snack? Sure.
[GREG.]
Four kids in a trampoline, it's not dangerous enough.
I don't see energy, and I gave you a lot of sugar.
More bubbles.
More splashing, more jumping.
Oh, gosh, the spray.
Get the splashing going that way.
Higher.
Higher.
Jump higher.
- Greg.
- Higher.
- I didn't say the race was over.
- Gregory.
- Gregory Anderson.
- Keep going.
What is going on? Oh, well.
Your trampoline united every child in a 12-mile radius.
So they all just came over.
Uh, what is that? That's Hannah's new pool.
I guess we each got her something.
- More running, more jumping - What's the matter? - more splashing.
- What's wrong? My tummy hurts.
What are you eating? Hey, where's Zack? In the trampoline, having the time of his life.
- Um - Stop jumping.
- Dad! - I better go get him.
All right, that's it.
Everybody out.
Time to go home.
Let's go.
Right now.
[GREG IMITATES POLICE SIREN.]
Fun police are here.
Get out of the pool, get out of the trampoline - before she gives you a ticket.
- Really? I work all day long and this is what I come home to? This is work, too.
What are you even wearing? Look at yourself.
What are those boots? They're my work boots.
- This is your work? - I'm at work.
- You're at work? - Yeah.
I'm at work.
Welcome to my office.
It's got a trampoline and a pool.
[SIGHS DEEPLY.]
I expected better.
Of yourself? [SCOFFS.]
God.
I hired a lifeguard.
His name is Micah.
Okay, my beautiful princess, let's go night night.
[MEGAN MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY.]
How's your tummy? All better.
Oh, good.
Hey, why are you wiping my kiss off? I'm rubbing it in.
Daddy, will you sing to me? Okay, um Good night, sweet Hannah, go to sleep Close your eyes and watch the sheep It's count! - Count the sheep.
- It's count.
You're right.
Good night, sweet Hannah, go to sleep Close your eyes and count the sheep And when all your dreams come true We'll be there in the morning [WHISPERING.]
I'm sorry.
[WHISPERING.]
Me, too.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
[MEGAN EXHALES.]
This is actually fun.
Yeah.
The after all the other kids leave part.
Yeah.
So how are you gonna break it to Hannah? What We are going to tell her that they are rentals, and that Mommy and Daddy temporarily lost their minds.
Deal.
[SIGHS.]
I hated missing her recital.
If it makes you feel better, I wouldn't call it a recital.
It's a bunch of five-year-olds wearing pink and making themselves dizzy.
[SIGHS.]
She'll get over it, after a couple of years of therapy.
That's not funny.
Seriously.
What you're doing right now is important, babe.
It doesn't feel important.
Like I'm handling this transition really well? Oh, yeah, I got it all figured out.
I think you're doing a great job.
Aside from letting Zack watch Red Dawn.
Hey.
You know what movie you should watch? Can't Buy Me Love.
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
- You're pushing it, babe.
So I shouldn't tell you I peed in the pool? [SCREAMS.]
Gross! [CHUCKLING.]
Hannah, please stop.
One second.
- If I can get - [SCATTING.]
I gotta button your tutu here.
Otherwise it's gonna fall off during the recital.
You're not gonna have any more No, no, no, Zack, Zack, Zack, Zack, give me that.
- Oh, God.
Here.
- Dad! Take some tissue and clean that off.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
What's going on with your feet? Oh, no, no, no, no, they got all dirty.
We gotta rinse you off real quick.
[SCREAMS.]
[GROANS.]
I want Mommy.
[PANTS.]
Believe me, sweetheart, so do I.
[RILEY.]
Ladies and gentlemen, we have our first G and A product line assignment.
For you guys.
[SPENCER GRUNTS.]
Okay, let's get the ball rolling.
Band-Aids.
Here we go.
What do you got? You know, this just seems like a lost gauze.
Oh, there he goes.
I like it.
- - Spencer draws first blood.
[CHUCKLING.]
- - Well, I don't know about you guys, I think we should really stick together on this.
- [SPENCER CHUCKLES.]
- Yes, Blythe.
Yeah, I'm not too excited for lunch today.
- [RILEY.]
Hmm.
- I heard they're passing out cold cuts.
- Suture self.
- Ah! [CHUCKLES.]
- - [RILEY.]
You guys, cut it out.
- Hey, yo, Megan.
- Oh, yeah.
- This is, uh, kind of our process.
- Mmm-hmm.
We do a bunch of bad puns and it gets the ball rolling.
Oh, I see.
That's fun, um Well, why don't we, um, get the bandage back together? [CHUCKLES.]
You'll get there.
What Don't pour salt in the wound.
Ooh! [ALL LAUGH.]
- There she is! - Oh, thanks, thank you.
Oh, my God, hey, Megan, you could use your kids as guinea pigs for the adhesive bandages.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You know, whatever it takes.
Let's really, like, test their pain tolerance.
[LAUGHTER.]
Sounds a little abrasive.
Maybe we should wrap this up.
- Oh! - [LAUGHTER.]
Two in one.
[CHUCKLES.]
Can I ask you something? - Serious question.
- Yeah, ask.
Is there anything that you don't throw a party for? Uh, I wouldn't throw a party for Stan's funeral.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, for real though, you did an amazing job decorating.
Or rather, your housekeeper did.
You're lucky to even be invited.
Oh, come on, I love girls' dance recital parties.
I heard it.
That sounded terrible.
Actually that was right on brand for you, Stan.
[GROANS.]
Chelsea, you need to stop flirting with me.
- It's gross.
- Oh, you wish, dude.
Dad, can we please have a pool? - [STAN.]
Ooh.
- [CHELSEA.]
Ooh.
That's a good idea.
I could come over and tan.
Please, Dad, can we? Is it your cold heart that puts those blue streaks in your hair? No, honey.
I already told you no.
Last week she was obsessed with trampolines.
Now it's all about pools.
Well, it's okay.
Look, I just bought a little pool to fill with swans for the party, but turns out Oscar's allergic to swan.
- You can have it.
- No.
[STUTTERS.]
Dad code, man.
Don't throw me under the bus.
Sorry.
Sorry, Hannah.
Your daddy loves the word "No.
" You're mean! [ALL.]
Ooh.
Hey, Hannah, never accept gifts from a grown man in costume.
[CHELSEA.]
Oh.
I [SIGHS.]
Stop hanging out with your aunt.
It's true though, man.
You're super mean.
Remember when you wouldn't let me keep my motorcycle in your kitchen? That was 3:00 in the morning.
You were drunk, you woke up my kids.
It was raining.
- Aw! Aw! - [MUSIC PLAYING ON CELL PHONE.]
Oh, my gosh.
Look at our little ballerina.
So grown up.
- [CHUCKLING.]
- [VIDEO STOPS.]
[SNIFFS.]
[GREG.]
She comes home the other night, and this is after I've been cooking for an hour.
- Chopping scallions.
- Cooking.
- I even went to the farmers market.
- What? Yeah.
And she comes in with a pizza.
Dude.
Well, did she at least send it by Pizzamail? No, but I like where your head is at.
I love you, bro.
She's totally playing the good cop card.
Oh, man.
That was your thing! I know! That was my thing! [SIGHS.]
[GREG.]
I don't want to be the bad cop.
I'm I'm dealing with crap all day, like literally.
Stan, I've had poop on me.
I get it.
I know what you're talking about.
I just want, like, a little validation.
Gee, Dad, thanks for keeping us alive.
All right, listen.
I got your solution.
Stop saying no, man.
Be a yes dad, all right? "Dad, can I have a sleepover?" "Yes.
" "Dad, can I download this app?" "Yes.
" "Dad, can I watch a scary movie?" "Yes.
" It's that simple.
That's how you win.
[IMITATES EXPLOSION.]
So this is what divorce does to you? Very funny.
You're not getting it.
All right.
Check this out.
Wow! Look at all this candy.
Can we have some? [CHUCKLES.]
Yes! - [KIDS CHEERING.]
- [CANDY CLATTERING.]
See? You should probably only do that with your own kids.
That's how I get them in the bath.
Yes, absolutely, and we'll have packaging available for deep dish as well.
It's actually better for the environment, because we use less Styrofoam.
The crust is thicker.
Yeah.
So you need less packa We don't use Styrofoam.
We're a green company, sir.
A g Okay, I'll just take that as a yes.
I'll be in touch.
Thanks.
Can we watch a movie, Dad? Wow.
Ninety minutes goes by fast.
- Did you already finish the other one? - Yep.
[STAN.]
Be a yes dad.
Okay, sure, why not? Can we have brownies? Go for it.
Can we also skip baths tonight? Absolutely.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Somebody order a trampoline? [CHEERING.]
[MEGAN.]
Hey.
I'm home.
Where is everyone? Oh.
- Who are you? - Who are you? Well, I'm I live here.
Where's your mom? I don't talk to strangers.
Can I have a snack? Sure.
[GREG.]
Four kids in a trampoline, it's not dangerous enough.
I don't see energy, and I gave you a lot of sugar.
More bubbles.
More splashing, more jumping.
Oh, gosh, the spray.
Get the splashing going that way.
Higher.
Higher.
Jump higher.
- Greg.
- Higher.
- I didn't say the race was over.
- Gregory.
- Gregory Anderson.
- Keep going.
What is going on? Oh, well.
Your trampoline united every child in a 12-mile radius.
So they all just came over.
Uh, what is that? That's Hannah's new pool.
I guess we each got her something.
- More running, more jumping - What's the matter? - more splashing.
- What's wrong? My tummy hurts.
What are you eating? Hey, where's Zack? In the trampoline, having the time of his life.
- Um - Stop jumping.
- Dad! - I better go get him.
All right, that's it.
Everybody out.
Time to go home.
Let's go.
Right now.
[GREG IMITATES POLICE SIREN.]
Fun police are here.
Get out of the pool, get out of the trampoline - before she gives you a ticket.
- Really? I work all day long and this is what I come home to? This is work, too.
What are you even wearing? Look at yourself.
What are those boots? They're my work boots.
- This is your work? - I'm at work.
- You're at work? - Yeah.
I'm at work.
Welcome to my office.
It's got a trampoline and a pool.
[SIGHS DEEPLY.]
I expected better.
Of yourself? [SCOFFS.]
God.
I hired a lifeguard.
His name is Micah.
Okay, my beautiful princess, let's go night night.
[MEGAN MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY.]
How's your tummy? All better.
Oh, good.
Hey, why are you wiping my kiss off? I'm rubbing it in.
Daddy, will you sing to me? Okay, um Good night, sweet Hannah, go to sleep Close your eyes and watch the sheep It's count! - Count the sheep.
- It's count.
You're right.
Good night, sweet Hannah, go to sleep Close your eyes and count the sheep And when all your dreams come true We'll be there in the morning [WHISPERING.]
I'm sorry.
[WHISPERING.]
Me, too.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
[MEGAN EXHALES.]
This is actually fun.
Yeah.
The after all the other kids leave part.
Yeah.
So how are you gonna break it to Hannah? What We are going to tell her that they are rentals, and that Mommy and Daddy temporarily lost their minds.
Deal.
[SIGHS.]
I hated missing her recital.
If it makes you feel better, I wouldn't call it a recital.
It's a bunch of five-year-olds wearing pink and making themselves dizzy.
[SIGHS.]
She'll get over it, after a couple of years of therapy.
That's not funny.
Seriously.
What you're doing right now is important, babe.
It doesn't feel important.
Like I'm handling this transition really well? Oh, yeah, I got it all figured out.
I think you're doing a great job.
Aside from letting Zack watch Red Dawn.
Hey.
You know what movie you should watch? Can't Buy Me Love.
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
- You're pushing it, babe.
So I shouldn't tell you I peed in the pool? [SCREAMS.]
Gross! [CHUCKLING.]