Mr. Mom (2019) s01e04 Episode Script
The Sandman
[ALARM BLARING.]
Did Zack go back to sleep? Greg? Oh.
We gotta solve this.
[FLOORBOARDS CREAKING.]
[GREG SNORING.]
[RILEY.]
Ladies and gents, Graham and Abrams sales of the leading household personal care companies worldwide in 2017, in billions.
With a big B.
As you can see, health, AKA the band aids that we need to rebrand, 22 [IN SPANISH.]
Billones.
They're in every household.
[GREG.]
What we have here is a crib tent.
Stan says it's the answer to all our problems.
Did one of your friends write these instructions? My friend Ella? [GREG.]
Never mind.
Okay.
You know what I think? I think I need my assembling-things shorts.
Okay.
Before you undertake a big task, you gotta warm up.
So, let's, uh Let's stretch our hamstrings, guys.
One, two, three, four.
Pump the legs.
Pump the legs.
Now, remember, Daddy doesn't get a beer until he gets to the last page of the manual.
[MEGAN.]
So, when I say Graham and Abrams, what's first thing that comes to mind? - Ampersand.
- Lotion.
- The '80s.
- "Abragraham" Lincoln.
- Telegram.
- Graham crackers.
- S'mores.
- Oh, my God.
- My grandma used to make s'mores.
- [BLYTHE.]
Aw.
- [SPENCER.]
They were so good.
- That's great.
That's nice to hear.
So, I think this might be part of the problem.
The company is very broad, and I think it might help if we narrow it down.
Whoa.
Zack, will you grab that and pick it up, right over there? Sorry.
Pop it.
Oh! Stand back.
Everyone, just let it breathe.
Okay, it's settled.
I think If I [GRUNTS.]
[EXHALES.]
Just Just need a sec.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
Okay, I'm back.
Hannah, we're gonna save this for when you get older.
You can get married under it.
All right.
The final ingredient.
[GRUNTS.]
- What do you think, Zack? - [ZACK.]
Good.
Your new castle.
Let me get a picture so Mommy believes that I put this thing together.
Okay.
Say, "Zees.
" - [BOTH.]
Zees.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- Yes! - Hey, Daddy.
How do I get out of here? Well, you don't.
That's the point of the crib tent.
So, I did a little digging, and I threw together a Keynote on the brand.
Let me just bring up a slide for you here.
Oh.
[BLYTHE.]
Oh, my God.
What is that? [SPENCER.]
What? Is that your kid in there? [BLYTHE.]
Oh.
Why is he in a cage? No, no, it's a crib tent, I think.
[SPENCER.]
Hey, you know what? I don't judge.
My parents fed me non-organic milk and I came out, like, semi fine, so it's all good.
Oh, no, it's just that he's been crawling out of his crib every night.
He's making zombies out of all of us.
The other night my husband was so tired, he actually put two diapers on Zack.
Like, at the same time.
He, was, like He diapered him, you know? And then he was like Like Typically you'd put one per child Have you tried acupuncture? - Works for me.
- Oh, that would be good for him.
That would help.
He's three, so [OBJECT CLATTERING.]
- Hi, baby.
Wow! - Hi.
Sorry I'm late.
Wow.
Look at you, Bill Nye.
Your son's sleep revolt carried into his nap.
I can't get any work done.
I'm so tired.
Oh, God, I had to sleep in my car today.
You got to take a nap? Could you take my shift tonight? No, I can't.
I have to work in the morning.
What, and I don't? I'm sorry.
And look, I hate to break this to you, but that baby jail contraption got recalled.
- It did? - Yeah.
- But Stan recommended it.
- Yeah.
- Right.
- Right.
I mean, if you wanna risk it, Zack is our spare kid.
No, I just bought him his favorite cereal.
We should probably try to keep him alive until he finishes it.
Yeah.
All right, you know what this means.
[BOTH.]
Big boy bed.
We probably should have padded this before we lowered his crib.
I thought the painful landing would deter him.
[SIGHING.]
Oh, God, I'm so tired.
Honestly, I don't even know what the other execs do all day.
You know, just go relax, babe, I got this.
I'm the only one on the team that works full-time and then has to come home and be a mom.
Nobody gets it.
- The double diaper story? - Yeah.
It totally bombed.
- What! - I know! - [SIGHS.]
- Nothing.
- Did you tell it right? - Yeah, I told it right.
- You did? - Yeah.
How old are the people at your office? Twenty-eight.
Oh, you gotta tell your drunk college stories then.
Oh, yeah, I should tell them about that time we went to the Ace of Base concert.
Yeah.
Just don't mention Ace of Base.
- They don't know who that is.
- No.
[GREG.]
Okay, Zacky, this is it.
- The big boy bed.
- Yeah.
Try it out, big man.
Only big boys are allowed to sleep in there.
- Go ahead.
- Go on.
- You can do it.
- All the way.
Climb in there.
- Climb in there.
- So comfy.
[STRAINED.]
All the way.
[GREG EXHALES HEAVILY.]
[MEGAN SHUSHING.]
[GASPS SHARPLY.]
[GREG.]
I understand that you're having a hard time.
And at first I thought you were just testing me, but now I'm realizing that you're sticking to your guns with this.
When you look back in the history of time, most of the successful people have only slept for a few hours a night.
Winston Churchill, Vincent Van Gogh, Miley Cyrus But there's something you need to know, Zack.
When I look at you, I know from the bottom of my heart that you're not one of those people.
You're an Anderson.
We need eight, sometimes ten, hours of sleep at night.
Minimum.
We often throw in a nap.
So you gotta recognize who you are.
You're a sleeper, Zack.
It's in your DNA.
This is the last resort.
[PANTING.]
Here it is.
The only thing that Daddy owns that takes eight D batteries.
Ready to saddle up, partner? [GROANING.]
[SOFT MELODY PLAYING.]
Look at the lion.
Look at the lion.
Oh, my God, Greg, what are you doing? Just wait.
Give it a second.
Hannah used to sleep for hours in this thing.
[SCOFFS.]
Hannah was eight months old.
I'm sorry, did you come up with a better idea while you were sleeping? There is no version of this working.
When you have that attitude.
Am I in trouble? No, Daddy is.
[WAVES SPLASHING.]
I could listen to this all night.
And I think these guys opened for the Beach Boys.
Is this off the hit album "Babbling Brook"? [CHUCKLES.]
The B side is "Deep Forest.
" [CHUCKLING.]
You're sleep drunk.
You think we could slow dance to white noise? [CHUCKLES.]
We could try.
What are you guys doing? - [GREG.]
Surviving.
- [MEGAN CHUCKLING.]
Do you wanna try driving him around again? No.
I'm out of gas.
Do you think Hannah can get him to sleep? Oh, yeah, that's a great idea.
Wake the only person that's sleeping in this house.
- [GREG.]
I got it! I got it! I got it! - [HISSING.]
[MEGAN.]
Oh, my God! What are you No, no, no! - Stop it.
Stop! - It's lavender.
It's essential oils.
It says on the can it's calming! It's calming for me when you've bombed the bathroom.
I'm sorry, I just don't know at this point what else I can [ZACK SNORING.]
Don't move your hand.
[WHISPERING.]
Well, obviously.
Wait.
Like, all night? Yeah, maybe if you could just put your arm over the rail.
You could keep your hand in a position Can you sleep upright? Yes, I'm a horse, Greg.
Hold on.
Don't move.
[MEGAN.]
Don't leave me in here.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING.]
[SOFTLY.]
Is that my gardening glove? [SOFTLY.]
You have another one.
What are you doing? Careful.
Don't it get on the What are you doing? Wait, not on the rug.
Oh, God.
[MEGAN.]
Oh.
Careful.
Careful [GASPS AND CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
[MEGAN LAUGHING SOFTLY.]
Oh, my God, this feels so good.
Goodnight, baby.
[MEGAN MOANS.]
[ALARM BLARING.]
[MEGAN.]
Are you kidding me?
Did Zack go back to sleep? Greg? Oh.
We gotta solve this.
[FLOORBOARDS CREAKING.]
[GREG SNORING.]
[RILEY.]
Ladies and gents, Graham and Abrams sales of the leading household personal care companies worldwide in 2017, in billions.
With a big B.
As you can see, health, AKA the band aids that we need to rebrand, 22 [IN SPANISH.]
Billones.
They're in every household.
[GREG.]
What we have here is a crib tent.
Stan says it's the answer to all our problems.
Did one of your friends write these instructions? My friend Ella? [GREG.]
Never mind.
Okay.
You know what I think? I think I need my assembling-things shorts.
Okay.
Before you undertake a big task, you gotta warm up.
So, let's, uh Let's stretch our hamstrings, guys.
One, two, three, four.
Pump the legs.
Pump the legs.
Now, remember, Daddy doesn't get a beer until he gets to the last page of the manual.
[MEGAN.]
So, when I say Graham and Abrams, what's first thing that comes to mind? - Ampersand.
- Lotion.
- The '80s.
- "Abragraham" Lincoln.
- Telegram.
- Graham crackers.
- S'mores.
- Oh, my God.
- My grandma used to make s'mores.
- [BLYTHE.]
Aw.
- [SPENCER.]
They were so good.
- That's great.
That's nice to hear.
So, I think this might be part of the problem.
The company is very broad, and I think it might help if we narrow it down.
Whoa.
Zack, will you grab that and pick it up, right over there? Sorry.
Pop it.
Oh! Stand back.
Everyone, just let it breathe.
Okay, it's settled.
I think If I [GRUNTS.]
[EXHALES.]
Just Just need a sec.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
Okay, I'm back.
Hannah, we're gonna save this for when you get older.
You can get married under it.
All right.
The final ingredient.
[GRUNTS.]
- What do you think, Zack? - [ZACK.]
Good.
Your new castle.
Let me get a picture so Mommy believes that I put this thing together.
Okay.
Say, "Zees.
" - [BOTH.]
Zees.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- Yes! - Hey, Daddy.
How do I get out of here? Well, you don't.
That's the point of the crib tent.
So, I did a little digging, and I threw together a Keynote on the brand.
Let me just bring up a slide for you here.
Oh.
[BLYTHE.]
Oh, my God.
What is that? [SPENCER.]
What? Is that your kid in there? [BLYTHE.]
Oh.
Why is he in a cage? No, no, it's a crib tent, I think.
[SPENCER.]
Hey, you know what? I don't judge.
My parents fed me non-organic milk and I came out, like, semi fine, so it's all good.
Oh, no, it's just that he's been crawling out of his crib every night.
He's making zombies out of all of us.
The other night my husband was so tired, he actually put two diapers on Zack.
Like, at the same time.
He, was, like He diapered him, you know? And then he was like Like Typically you'd put one per child Have you tried acupuncture? - Works for me.
- Oh, that would be good for him.
That would help.
He's three, so [OBJECT CLATTERING.]
- Hi, baby.
Wow! - Hi.
Sorry I'm late.
Wow.
Look at you, Bill Nye.
Your son's sleep revolt carried into his nap.
I can't get any work done.
I'm so tired.
Oh, God, I had to sleep in my car today.
You got to take a nap? Could you take my shift tonight? No, I can't.
I have to work in the morning.
What, and I don't? I'm sorry.
And look, I hate to break this to you, but that baby jail contraption got recalled.
- It did? - Yeah.
- But Stan recommended it.
- Yeah.
- Right.
- Right.
I mean, if you wanna risk it, Zack is our spare kid.
No, I just bought him his favorite cereal.
We should probably try to keep him alive until he finishes it.
Yeah.
All right, you know what this means.
[BOTH.]
Big boy bed.
We probably should have padded this before we lowered his crib.
I thought the painful landing would deter him.
[SIGHING.]
Oh, God, I'm so tired.
Honestly, I don't even know what the other execs do all day.
You know, just go relax, babe, I got this.
I'm the only one on the team that works full-time and then has to come home and be a mom.
Nobody gets it.
- The double diaper story? - Yeah.
It totally bombed.
- What! - I know! - [SIGHS.]
- Nothing.
- Did you tell it right? - Yeah, I told it right.
- You did? - Yeah.
How old are the people at your office? Twenty-eight.
Oh, you gotta tell your drunk college stories then.
Oh, yeah, I should tell them about that time we went to the Ace of Base concert.
Yeah.
Just don't mention Ace of Base.
- They don't know who that is.
- No.
[GREG.]
Okay, Zacky, this is it.
- The big boy bed.
- Yeah.
Try it out, big man.
Only big boys are allowed to sleep in there.
- Go ahead.
- Go on.
- You can do it.
- All the way.
Climb in there.
- Climb in there.
- So comfy.
[STRAINED.]
All the way.
[GREG EXHALES HEAVILY.]
[MEGAN SHUSHING.]
[GASPS SHARPLY.]
[GREG.]
I understand that you're having a hard time.
And at first I thought you were just testing me, but now I'm realizing that you're sticking to your guns with this.
When you look back in the history of time, most of the successful people have only slept for a few hours a night.
Winston Churchill, Vincent Van Gogh, Miley Cyrus But there's something you need to know, Zack.
When I look at you, I know from the bottom of my heart that you're not one of those people.
You're an Anderson.
We need eight, sometimes ten, hours of sleep at night.
Minimum.
We often throw in a nap.
So you gotta recognize who you are.
You're a sleeper, Zack.
It's in your DNA.
This is the last resort.
[PANTING.]
Here it is.
The only thing that Daddy owns that takes eight D batteries.
Ready to saddle up, partner? [GROANING.]
[SOFT MELODY PLAYING.]
Look at the lion.
Look at the lion.
Oh, my God, Greg, what are you doing? Just wait.
Give it a second.
Hannah used to sleep for hours in this thing.
[SCOFFS.]
Hannah was eight months old.
I'm sorry, did you come up with a better idea while you were sleeping? There is no version of this working.
When you have that attitude.
Am I in trouble? No, Daddy is.
[WAVES SPLASHING.]
I could listen to this all night.
And I think these guys opened for the Beach Boys.
Is this off the hit album "Babbling Brook"? [CHUCKLES.]
The B side is "Deep Forest.
" [CHUCKLING.]
You're sleep drunk.
You think we could slow dance to white noise? [CHUCKLES.]
We could try.
What are you guys doing? - [GREG.]
Surviving.
- [MEGAN CHUCKLING.]
Do you wanna try driving him around again? No.
I'm out of gas.
Do you think Hannah can get him to sleep? Oh, yeah, that's a great idea.
Wake the only person that's sleeping in this house.
- [GREG.]
I got it! I got it! I got it! - [HISSING.]
[MEGAN.]
Oh, my God! What are you No, no, no! - Stop it.
Stop! - It's lavender.
It's essential oils.
It says on the can it's calming! It's calming for me when you've bombed the bathroom.
I'm sorry, I just don't know at this point what else I can [ZACK SNORING.]
Don't move your hand.
[WHISPERING.]
Well, obviously.
Wait.
Like, all night? Yeah, maybe if you could just put your arm over the rail.
You could keep your hand in a position Can you sleep upright? Yes, I'm a horse, Greg.
Hold on.
Don't move.
[MEGAN.]
Don't leave me in here.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING.]
[SOFTLY.]
Is that my gardening glove? [SOFTLY.]
You have another one.
What are you doing? Careful.
Don't it get on the What are you doing? Wait, not on the rug.
Oh, God.
[MEGAN.]
Oh.
Careful.
Careful [GASPS AND CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
[MEGAN LAUGHING SOFTLY.]
Oh, my God, this feels so good.
Goodnight, baby.
[MEGAN MOANS.]
[ALARM BLARING.]
[MEGAN.]
Are you kidding me?