Mum (2016) s03e05 Episode Script


READS: But change is on the horizon.
And you have to be ready to face new challenges.
How do they know all this? It's written in the stars.
Wow! Makes you question how much control you actually have over your own existence.
Well, I suppose it does.
- Cath? - Hm? - Pisces? - Yeah.
READS: The moon is your friend.
- Good start.
- Yeah.
JASON SIGHS This is it now.
It's going to rain all weekend.
Derek's party will be ruined.
The roads will be wet on the drive home.
We'll crash.
You'll die.
And I'll be left, screaming in the wreckage.
HE SIGHS Typical.
READS: So beware those who come to do you harm.
- That's good advice.
- Yeah.
Thanks, love.
That's such good advice.
You know, a lot of people don't believe in it.
What, don't believe in star signs? Yeah.
I think it might be raining.
MICHAEL CHUCKLES Nah, I'd better not.
Someone just, er, e-mailed me a YouTube link.
Er someone's cat, they'd given it a balloon.
Obviously, it's not gonnae end well.
- You want to have a look? - I've probably seen it.
I'm going for a walk, mate.
Ah, well, you're a braver man than me.
Yeah, I know.
Can't just dismiss it.
It's bound to have an affect on a person.
Oh, people believe whatever they want to believe.
Well, what's not to believe in? You're born under a star sign.
I'm going to have to tell him.
There she is! I've been sick in the bed.
No problem.
- There's a bit on the bathroom floor.
- Nothing a bit of loo roll won't fix.
We've run out of loo roll.
- I'll get some more from the cupboard.
- I was sick in the cupboard.
Are you OK? Oh, no problem, my love.
You're your own person, so, er I'll sort this out.
Huh-huh! I am the expert.
Huh! You should have seen some of the stuff I came across when I was doing my community Oh, God, no! Have you been listening to music? Yeah.
Yeah, I've just been reading my book.
Hm! Mm.
- What you into these days? - Uma bit of everything, really.
Chart music, dance music, pop.
Oh! Yeah! Rag'n'Bone Man in the evenings.
- Jason Derulo always.
- Nice.
- You know, ABBA did some good songs.
- Did they? Little Mix, if I'm stressed.
That wasn't so bad.
Heh-heh-heh! You just got to tell yourself it doesn't smell.
Heh-heh-heh! Where you going? RAIN PELTS You all right, love? Yeah, no, good, Cath.
Huh-huh! Top of the world.
- I had a bit of an accident in the night, so - Oh, Uncle Derek! Yeah, I'm a fucking disgrace.
FAINT MEDIA BROADCAS I've got a really itchy hand.
Have you scratched it? Yeah, loads.
- Weird.
Huh! - Yeah.
I'll Google it.
I think Michael was looking forward to visiting the castle.
He's got such a fascinating range of interests.
What a riveting long-term partner he'd make.
- Pauline's ex? - Mm.
I'm good, I'm good.
I've got a banana, so Pauline's ex-husband.
Yeah, yeah.
But I've got a banana, so it's not all bad.
Hm! What I find is it's best just to let a woman exhaust every other possibility until she realises she might as well stay with me.
- New trousers? - Mm.
Well, fairly new.
- I like them.
- Oh! Huh! Thanks.
You want to come upstairs and help me choose a hanky? Yeah, I do.
Thanks, Reg.
What you need to realise, Cathy, is that nowadays, you can be a feminist and it doesn't make you boring.
- OK, love.
- No-one's ashamed of anything any more.
Not even old people.
Because everyone gets to do whatever they want, and they don't have to feel bad if all they're trying to do is sort of live a happy life.
I'd love to read my book, if that's OK, Kelly.
Yeah, yeah.
- Have you seen this? - What's that? It hasn't been tested on animals.
You're kidding? They weren't tested on an animal, but it's fine for me to stick it all over my skin.
Must be some mistake, surely.
Says it there, not tested on animals.
READS: This product has not been tested on animals.
Jesus! You'd think they'd put a bit on a monkey.
They must've put a bit on a monkey, surely.
That's not what it says here.
Let me see that again.
Can I just say one more tiny little thing and then I'll never speak to you ever again? Love, can we please just leave it? Michael's not bad for an old man.
Some of them are literally repulsive.
And he's really kind, and sort of funny.
Well, not funny, but, like, he makes you laugh, for some reason.
So all I'm trying to say is, you don't have to feel bad, about anything.
It's like me, when I'm with my mum.
Don't think about how you should feel, think about how you do feel.
I just think someone needs to say it to you.
OK? Sorry.
I'll be quiet now.
DOOR SLAMS SHU Derek! Oh, God! Do you want me to open it? I don't think you should be opening a bottle of champagne, do you? HE LAUGHS No way.
Not with these massive arms and legs! DISHWASHER BEEPS DEREK LAUGHS NERVOUSLY Huh! You having fun out there.
- Bucket! - Ah.
DEREK LAUGHS Let me get that for you.
You enjoying that? - Huh! - Have I got it all over me? Uma little bit.
SHE CHUCKLES Oh! Oh, Derek's porridge! Oh! What we do in the flat is, we pile everything up in the sink and then we just wash it when we want to use it again.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
It's just easier.
- Party tomorrow.
- Yeah.
Huh! Mm.
Well RAIN PELTS RAIN PELTS Where are your shoes? I'm going to say something, Cath, and then I don't want to talk about it, OK? Why don't you put your shoes on? There's no rush for me, OK? You don't have to tell Jason now for my sake.
I can wait.
- I-I-I need to say something.
- Cath I-II've been waiting for you from the very first words you ever said to me, when you told me you only ate crisps for dinner because your mum was in a mood.
And Dave went and got you a pint and we waited for him together by the gents.
And I knew I was in trouble.
You melt me like butter, Cathy, you do.
You melt me like fucking butter.
You know, losing Dave and losing my mum, these should have been the worst two years of my life, but they've been the best, easily, easily been the best two years I've ever had because I got to spend so much of them with you.
I look out over my little garden every morning with a cup of tea, and the trees change, the flowers change, friends come and go.
II changed jobs, II lost my parents, I lost Dave.
I got married, I got divorced.
I had my girls, my girls went, too.
The one thing, the one thing, through all of it that never changed, could never change, will never change, is the fact that I love you.
It's what I do.
I used to think I could feel the air move when you moved it.
There were days when things would just smell of you.
So you take your time.
You speak to Jason when you're ready to, not when you've been forced to.
And whether it's when we get home, or whether you want to leave it for a few months, I'll just be here, like I have always been here.
This is about you.
Oh, leave her alone.
Think of David! He'd have seen the funny side.
He'd have had us all laughing about it.
He'd have seen the funny side.
He could make you laugh at anything.
Well, he was so quick, you see.
That's what got me.
He'd just come out with something, just like that.
But he was never mean with it.
He was never nasty.
He wouldn't have known how to be.
He didn't have it in him.
He had a wonderful heart.
He could lift a room just by being in it.
He was always so confident.
I could feel it the first time I held him.
Blimey! The way he looked at me, even when he was just lying there in my arms.
And we never had any problems with his confidence.
Oh, right up to the end.
SHE COUGHS I'd wheel him into the pub and he didn't have to say anything, everyone knew he was there.
Remember what he called your mother? He's lucky she was deaf.
Was lucky she couldn't hear him.
My God, he made me laugh.
- KNOCK AT DOOR I'll get it! All right, babe? What were you talking to Jeff about? Pauline, what were you talking? You ask me that again and I will fucking desert you! Huh.
HE LAUGHS SHE SIGHS Oh, keep that door shut.
- Bad, isn't it? - Yeah.
Cigarettes are bad for you, you know.
Really? You'd think they'd mention that.
BOTH: Hm! - You want a special coffee? - Um Eryeah, OK.
I haven't tried one before.
Hm! - DISHWASHER BEEPS - Oh! How could you ever trust him, after what he did to you? Whereas I could get on a bus and I could sit next to, say Geri Halliwell, and I wouldn't even notice her.
Honestly, Pauline, Geri Halliwell! And that's not just Geri Halliwell now, that includes Geri Halliwell in the '90s! That's Geri Halliwell at any time in her life, since she was, like, 15.
18, yeah.
Or 20.
21! That's how much you can trust me.
I'd do anything, Pauline.
There's not a bit of me I wouldn't change to whatever version of it you want it to be.
Just please don't leave me.
I've been left so many times.
I'm not going to leave you.
Huh! OK.
You mean, just like, now, you're not going to leave the room, or you're not going to leave me forever and ever, or? I'm not going to leave you, Derek.
Why not? Because, Derek, despite everything you're the kindest person I've ever met and you're the most loyal person I've ever met.
SHE SNIFFS And, umyes.
I know you'll never hurt me.
Of course I'd never hurt you.
Why would I want to hurt you? Thank you! Pauline, thank you! - Don't thank me.
- Sorry! That was really yummy.
Did you like it? Pauline, did you think it was yummy? - Can we avoid using the word yummy? - Sorry.
How should I describe it? Scrummy? TEARFUL: - You don't need to describe it.
- Sorry! SHE SNIFFS Please don't ask me to marry you.
No worries.
Was my tongue OK? Did it go in too far? - It was fine.
- Good fine or bad fine? It was fine, Derek.
Good fine.
Are you sure? Because I don't have to push it all the way in if you don't want me to push it all the way in.
- I could lick your teeth.
- Why have you followed me into the toilet? You're always red.
- So? - When's it my turn to be red?! I like being red.
So would I, given half a chance! - You're always yellow.
- I hate yellow! Since when? - Mm, lovely.
- The coffee beans are from Ethiopia.
- Oh, are they? - Yeah.
You could have that instead of tea in the mornings.
Strong, though, isn't it? Oh, yeah, really strong.
Huh! That's kind of the point of a macchiato.
- Heh! Oh, is it? - Hm.
I'm going to make myself one.
Do you want another one? Oh, no, no, I'm good, love.
I'mI'm in a relationship with Michael.
I know.
It's difficult, obviously, because there's such a past.
The problem is, I keep thinking that Hm! I could only even get the chance to have a relationship with anyone because your dad died.
So What I find hard, really, is that I want to be happy again.
Or even just to have a bit of fun again.
But anything nice that happens to me now, well, I mean, it could only happen because the worst thing that's ever happened to me happened.
So what's, like, underneath, or, like the foundations of everything, it's all a bit, um I-It's difficult.
And obviously, there'sthere's a lot of guilt, I suppose.
And I don't know.
There's a lot of guilt.
Have you got anything you want to say about it? No.
COFFEE MACHINE WHIRS - Olives? - I'm fine.
- Might be a bit of chicken left.
- I'm fine, Derek.
- I just want to read my book.
- Sorry.
- Can I sit here? - Whatever.
Oh, damn it! Pfft! DEREK CHUCKLES I was thinking I might do a course while the baby sleeps.
Oh, OK.
- Oh, I've just done the chicken.
- Hm.
I might learn Chinese! And I was thinking, I might get a little puppy, or some rabbits.
Otherwise, you'll just be waiting around for the baby to wake up.
Just put it in the bin, Derek.
It doesn't matter.
I'm rubbish at stuff like that.
No, I'm good, I'm good.
I can do it.
- Wahey! - Yes! - Well done, love.
- Yeah, well done, Derek.
Yeah, thanks.
Huh! I think I just needed a bit of a warm up.
HE CHUCKLES It went right in there, didn't it? Yeah.