Mum (2016) s03e06 Episode Script


- Tomorrow, Kamar's playing rugby.
- I love rugby! - Oh, do you? - Yes.
- And then we have a christening in the afternoon - I adore christenings! I'm so good with children.
Everything they say is just so funny.
So if you could all just lock up and drop your keys WHISPERS: How was that? WHISPERS: Good.
You're coming across as a really nice person.
- It's so hard to find a good cleaner.
- Yes! These girls whizz around the house.
You barely have to look at them.
And then I had a packet of Quavers and Jason had a Scotch egg - and we just ate them in the car.
- Oh, nice.
It was just something to fill a hole.
- Yeah, well, you know, you need something to tide you over.
- Exactly.
Just something to keep you going between meals.
Have you had a snack? Yeah, I had an apple.
And, fill a hole? - Yeah, it did, actually.
- Well, there you go.
It's just something to tide you over.
- Yeah.
- Mm.
Just something to fill a hole.
- Let me know if there's anything I can do.
- Thanks.
We got 20 guests arriving from London.
Derek's put on a coach for them and it'll take them back at the end of Hi.
Can I speak to Colin, please? - Oh.
- Great.
Wow! That was rude.
Huh! Am I really that boring? - Don't make me answer that.
- Hey! THEY CHUCKLE Breadcrumbs, which is carbs, sausage meat, which is proteins, and then, in the middle, it's basically an egg.
Well, that should keep you going, babe.
- Yeah.
It was just something to tide me over.
- Yeah.
Something to fill a hole.
And this goes there.
That's so pretty! Thank you.
Shall we take a photo? Well, I would hate to forget how lovely it was.
Just trying to do that heart thing.
It's just It's just Oh! THEY LAUGH.
No, sorry, Cath, what is it? THEY LAUGH - We don't need to be negative.
- I know, I know.
I'm fine.
And we don't need to hate people just because they're better than us.
What? Ladybird.
SHE SIGHS - Did it go on me? - No, Derek.
- Has it gone on me, Pauline? - It flew away.
- Are you sure? - Yes, Derek, I saw it.
OK, thanks.
I want you to know I could say something really very witty right now.
- I know.
- Very witty and very cutting.
I know you could, I know.
But I am choosing, out of kindness, not to.
I really appreciate it.
You'd better.
Oh! Oh, shit, that's a video and not a photo.
SHE CHUCKLES Oh, no, um I I just took a photo instead of a video.
No! A video instead of a photo.
- Oh, dear.
- Yeah.
Whoops! - Everything all right at the butcher's? - Yeah, yeah.
Really good.
Right, shall I take that photo? Badminton.
My God! I don't know why anyone bothers doing anything any more.
It's just people who think they're too good for tennis.
Why does the net have to be so high? Why does the net have to be high? Why is the ball made of air? You start to question badminton, you'll never stop.
And Danielle got on the coach, so good thing we kept that room for her.
Can we just take the photo, Derek? My arms are hurting.
But Derek can't make it because of his back.
Not me, the other Derek.
Yes, Derek, I know your friend Derek isn't you.
Well, my friends find it confusing.
Oh, I'm sure they do.
Oh, wow! That's a nice top.
Who told you to buy it? No-one.
I bought it myself.
No, but who was it that had the fashion sense to - Hm.
- That's so rude.
- Don't worry, love.
- I'm so sorry! - I can't believe I just said that! - I know.
It's so unlike you.
Wow, look at that top! CATHY CHUCKLES Shut your face.
If I could wink, I'd wink, but I can't wink, so Oh, no, I can wink.
That's good to know.
I'm sorry for being rude about your clothes.
Oh, I don't care.
It's only clothes.
And it's mums, isn't it? They all dress like dogs.
I'm sure I'll be the same when I have my bab He does something to do with computers, and I, obviously, do my removals.
But despite that, we're both called Derek.
- Can we just take the photo, Derek? - Yeah.
I wouldn't like that.
Well, the problem is, if someone shouts out, "Derek", - we've got no way of knowing which one of us - Derek! And I'm not worried about the birth because, like, you know, how hard can it be? - It's pretty hard, love.
- Oh, I know it is, yeah, but I don't want to scare you.
Yeah, but what you have to remember, Cathy, is, I've had laryngitis.
So you don't need to worry about me.
I'm completely prepared for being a mum.
Basically, it's going to be easy for me, like it was for you.
Cathy? You're needed.
CATHY CHUCKLES If Jason asks me to marry him, will you come on my hen do? Sorry, I'm just imagining what that would be like.
You'd enjoy it.
Of course I wouldn't.
You'd have fun.
I'd rather stick pins in my eyes.
Cathy! I was calling you.
- Yeah, I was just talking to Kelly.
- I shouldn't have to call you twice.
I came when I was ready.
Well, you should have been quicker.
Yes, well, you can go fuck yourself.
Very good.
You know what I love most about being British? - Go on.
- The fact that we're tolerant.
I can't stand people who aren't tolerant.
I actually surprise myself sometimes, the amount of things I can tolerate.
Race, obviously.
That's the biggie.
Any religion, no matter what crazy bollocks they believe in.
I can tolerate women.
And that's fat women, thin women, the lot.
Gays, and, like, all the various quirky little subdivisions.
I can tolerate every single one of them.
Even the men that dress like ladies.
- That's because you're British.
- Exactly! Oh, the French wouldn't know how to be tolerant.
They wouldn't have a clue.
Miserable, dirty, little, stinking fucking cowards.
This is dill.
- Dill.
- Yeah.
You chop it up and sprinkle it over the food, just like you would if it was, um cress.
- Yeah.
- Good.
How do I introduce Michael? Well, he's Derek's friend, isn't he? Do I need to say anything about you? - Yes.
- Good.
You can, um you can say he's my partner.
Well done.
Took you long enough.
- And you had no idea? - No! Congratulations! Wow, you hid it so well.
I was sure you'd worked it out.
I was asking all those questions! Yeah, but that was for your friend who's pregnant.
KELLY GIGGLES That was you? Yes! Ha-ha! My God! And I've had to eat all the time, and in the mornings, I've been SO sick! Yeah, but that was the antibiotics.
- That's the pregnancy! - No way! I'm not even on antibiotics! THEY LAUGH.
Are you kidding me? - I just need to find my phone.
- Oh, right.
- Where did you last have it? - Um 80%.
- Is that good? - Yeah.
It gets down to 50%, but then it drops to 20% really quickly, so - That's annoying.
- Yeah, killer.
Huh! Jason was just saying that his battery gets to 50% and then drops down to 20% really quickly.
I bet that's annoying.
Yeah, just a bit.
THEY CHUCKLE I'm on 80% now, so that should see me through the afternoon if I don't use it too much.
- That's good.
- Yeah.
Good game.
Your dad used to be good at that.
Oh, yeah.
He loved it, didn't he? Huh! It's like bowling, isn't it? So Jason's good at bowling, too.
- Are you? - Yeah.
- Right.
- He's got awards for it, haven't you? Nothing major.
Well, obviously, it's in the genes.
You bowl much? Not for a long time.
But, yeah, you know, back in the day.
Well, I'll go and help Derek.
- Yeah.
See you in a bit, then.
- Yeah.
HE SIGHS I wonder where Kelly is? - Where are you, babe? - I'm in here.
FRIDGE BEEPS It's bound to be ugly.
- The baby? WHISPERS: - Yeah.
WHISPERS: And thick.
Ugly and thick.
All that effort to make a baby and it comes out ugly and thick.
Such a shame.
- We'll have to hold it.
- Oh, don't.
- We will.
- Oh, stop.
We'll have to talk to it, look at it.
My son, best thing that ever happened to me.
- Of course.
- My grandson? Yeah, lovely.
My great-grandchild? Who gives a fuck? I bet she breast-feeds.
Oh, I'm too old.
She'll be whopping them out on Cathy's sofa.
Here's the birthday boy.
Heh-heh-heh-heh! Yeah.
Brilliant! They'll be burying me soon.
THEY LAUGH I love the thought of my bones clunking about underground.
Ha-ha-ha! Yeah.
All these years of thinking and worrying.
At the end of it all, you're just bones, rotting in a box.
And no-one even knows you existed.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! It's fantastic! Brilliant! You're basically just a bag of meat.
You all right, mate? I suppose you can't really think about it like that, can you? Best not to.
Dare me to dive in the pool? I think if everything's OK with the baby, I'm going to be the sort of dad that, like, talks to his kids about stuff.
And isn't just, like, funny all the time.
Good idea, babe.
I think I'm going to be the same.
Though it'll be hard, obviously, because we're both so witty.
We'll just have to really keep an eye on it.
I just don't want my son spending his whole life wishing he was as good as me.
I think I'll just wait for it to get a bit warmer.
- Yeah.
- Derek? Yes, my sweetheart? They'll be here soon.
I'll be in the dining room.
Do you ever get bored of breathing? In, out, in, out, in, out.
Fucking hell! When's it going to stop? Yeah.
Huh! Dave would have loved it here, wouldn't he? He'd have been straight in that pool, probably with his clothes on.
Hm! We'd have had silly T-shirts and football on the grass, and He'd have cleared out that cider farm, though I'm not sure what he would've thought about Canterbury.
Hm! It still doesn't make any sense that he's gone, does it? I'm still finding little holes he's left.
But we keep moving on, don't we? Even when we don't want to move.
And and things happen.
CATHY SIGHS Oh, people will be here soon.
Huh! Right! KELLY AND JASON GIGGLE - Ah! - Got you again! - Yeah.
- Got you, Michael.
Yeah, you did.
- Do you want me to stop? - Yes, please.
Oh, OK.
One more? Really? Yeah.
Can I do it in your face? - Do you have to? - Kind of.
SHE GIGGLES Thanks, Michael.
Yeah, that's all right.
THEY LAUGH It's great about you and Cathy, by the way.
- Thanks.
- Because obviously, she's out of your league.
- Yep.
- But it shows romance isn't just about looks, or how sexy someone is.
It can also be about kindness and boring stuff like that.
That's nice for you to say.
I hope that didn't come out wrong.
No, I-I think it was quite clear what you meant.
I keep on saying things that are accidentally deeply offensive.
That doesn't sound like you.
I know, right? Thanks for calling me in.
Nice to have this little moment alone together on this hectic day.
We're doing the napkins.
Er No, good, yeah.
I love napkins.
No, but I thought maybe you might have been calling me in to give me a present, seeing as it's my birthday.
This whole week has been your birthday present.
Oh, I know.
It's amazing, yeah, it it's been great.
But it can be nice, alongside a big present to have something little to open on the day.
Are you actually doing this? No, sorry, no, you're right.
It's been it's been it's been an amazing week.
- Do you know how much this place cost? - No, I know.
I just like having something to open, that's all.
Looking good.
Can you believe Derek's paid for a coach to bring his mates all the way from London and then take them home? - It's a lovely thing to do.
- Really lovely, yeah.
He's a great bloke.
- No, you've done well in here.
- Thanks, mate.
I'm doing my best.
Huh! I'll get on with the barbie in a minute.
All right.
I've actually got some shelves I think I'm going to put up 'round mine.
- Oh, OK.
- Yeah.
I want to get my trophies up.
- Nice.
- Yeah.
Do you think you might fancy sort of helping me get them up? Yeah.
Yeah, all right.
They'll need to be pretty straight.
OK, I'll, er bring my spirit-level.
Yeah, great.
- I'll get mine out, too.
- Oh, great.
I'm just going to see what else is going on.
You all right here? Yeah, yeah.
Cool, cool.
JASON SIGHS Give us a shout if you need anything.
I think sometimes, emotions and people getting, like, emotional and stuff, I think it can sort of get in the way of what's important.
Yeah, I think that's a really good point, love.
I think, like, everything you were saying yesterday about, like, guilt or whatever I just think you shouldn't overthink it.
Thanks for talking to me.
Yeah, well, I'm not a kid any more.
No, of course not.
But I I know it's hard.
When someone dies, time stands still for them, but the rest of us keep changing, so Well I think that's my thing, really.
Because I do get that you're going to be with Michael for a bit because you're lonely and you've got to try new things, or whatever, before it's too late.
And that's fine.
But you need to remember, Mum, that it's a really difficult time for a woman.
- Is it? - Yeah.
It's confusing for them.
I'm not confused.
No, you are.
I'm not, love.
You're so confused, you don't even know that you're confused.
But I'm here to keep an eye on you.
So just be a bit more lowkey, just for now.
Just until you get a bit of perspective on it and you can see how you're behaving.
JASON KISSES CATHY'S HEAD So you're talking about change and stuff but you don't need to change, Mum.
- Just remember who you are.
- Huh! Right, then, let's do the barbie.
20?! - Yeah.
- How has Derek got 20 friends? 20?! 20 morons, with so little to do, they'll come all the way here to celebrate the birth of Derek.
What is it? Does it matter? You all right? Talking about me? Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh! - We were, actually.
- Oh! Nothing too bad, I hope.
Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh! Hm.
MOUTHS: Come over here.
THEY GIGGLE AND CLINK GLASSES Oh, for god's sake! - Bloody hell! - Oh, it's lovely! So trite.
They're literally walking off into the distance.
- Pauline! - She's fucking him in the bushes! - About time.
- She's not! They're kissing.
They're having a cuddle! They're admiring the flowers.
She's definitely admiring something.
HORN BLASTS Oh, that'll be the coach! She's meant to be handing out the champagne and the finger food.
I'll get the burgers out.
Of all the times to put herself first.
- Here they come.
- Oh, leave them alone! CATHY GIGGLES