Murderville (2022) s01e04 Episode Script

1 Meet Terry Seattle, Homicide Division.
For Terry, every day means a new murder case, and a new celebrity guest star as his partner.
Today's guest: Emmy-winning actress Annie Murphy.
But here's the catch.
Annie isn't being given a script.
She has no idea what's about to happen.
Together, she and Terry will have to improvise their way through the case.
But it'll be up to Annie alone to name the killer.
So join them as they punch a one-way ticket to Murderville.
Another day of solving murders and dropping hints to my wife that I wanted her back.
Or as we like to call it in the murder business, Thursday.
Well, well, well.
Free donuts.
Looks like everyone's favorite senior detective brought free donuts.
That's right.
He's got disposable income and he's spending it on you.
Unless you want to chip in because they weren't cheap.
- Thanks, man.
I'll have one.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's mine.
- Which one? - Which one were you reaching for? - That one.
- Yeah, that's mine.
Plus I don't like when guys come in and try to take other guys' donuts.
Maybe it's not your donut to control.
Maybe if you'd been nicer to that donut, someone else wouldn't be trying to eat it.
Well, maybe that donut doesn't understand my love language and maybe that donut and I were trying to work on it in therapy.
Well, maybe the donut just got tired of waiting for you to figure your shit out and decided she's ready to be with a real man.
What? Come on.
What? What is going on? He started a trash fire.
And I put it out.
Good thing I was here.
Thank God.
- Want half my chocolate donut, Chief? - Thank you.
Anytime.
Okay.
FYI, that donut was a metaphor for you.
So he just ripped you in half.
Sometimes a donut is just a donut, Terry.
You follow me.
Jesus, Terry, look at this place.
Listen, be real with me.
Is this thing with you and Daz actually happening? Terry, it's happening and you're going to need to just accept it.
Name one thing that makes him better than me.
Well, I don't think I could pick just one.
Yeah, see? There you go.
Can't do it.
Terry, you're going to be okay.
You're going to meet someone new.
In fact, I've got someone new for you right now.
A new partner.
- No, no, no Chief.
- Come on in, Annie! Chief, come on! It's like you do this every day.
What are you talking about? Hi.
Terry, meet your new partner Annie Murphy.
Annie, this is senior detective Terry Seattle.
Oh, old school handshake.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
Yeah.
By the way, the senior is for importance, not in terms of age.
Just, you know, I'm obviously very young which you could probably tell by my physique.
So Yeah.
This is what you're dealing with.
Good luck and I apologize in advance, okay? Have a seat.
- Okay.
- Yep.
Is this yours? Oh, you know what? You can just yeah, that's fine.
It's clean.
You can hand me that.
Yeah, and it's clean.
No.
Put it in the trash.
Not as clean as I had wanted it to be.
Yeah, grab a seat there.
Okay.
All right.
- Annie Murphy.
- Yeah.
Tell you what we're going to do right off the bat here.
Going to do ourselves a little role-playing and see what you got.
Okay.
I want to see if you got what it takes to be a homicide cop.
I'm going to be a 10-year-old girl named Susie and I'm running up to you for help.
Okay? And you're a homicide detective and I'm coming right at you and I'm a Detective, help me.
My name's Susie, I'm 10 years old, help me! Susie, what happened? I came home and mommy and daddy are lying on the floor and they're not moving.
And they're covered in this red stuff and it looks like ketchup.
I need you to calm down a little bit.
Okay, will you take me to where you live? It's red stuff is everywhere.
- Ketchup is everywhere.
- I understand.
I understand that.
We own a ketchup factory and there's ketchup everywhere.
What do you think? Okay.
There is You do own a ketchup factory? Yes.
That's it.
Okay, okay.
- But they're covered with okay? - Yeah.
- Susie told you it was ketchup.
- Mhm.
- Her family owns a ketchup factory.
- Yeah.
What did you think initially it was when she said there was red stuff everywhere? Blood.
Jesus Christ.
That's where you're gonna go, huh? - She told you it was ketchup.
- Yeah.
Right off the bat, what really happened was that their family's ketchup machine exploded and it knocked her parents unconscious and then they died from carbon monoxide poisoning.
Yeah, I wouldn't have And Susie didn't have any other family to go to, so she ended up bouncing around in the foster system, until she ran away for a life on the street and maybe into the human slave trade.
You did a great job, though.
I will say that, that's a tough one to get in.
Susie with the ketchup factory is one of our toughest.
- Okay.
- My toughest.
I've devised lots of role-playing over the years to help young trainees.
You know, if we're gonna be partners, we need to know that we got each other's backs.
- Yes.
- Would you ever betray me? Uh, no, I would not.
I wish I could say that I had the same confidence that I wouldn't betray you.
To be honest, I'm very erratic.
Well, hopefully, we'll never get to that.
Are you sure that you would not betray me? - I mean, I guess only time will tell.
- Hmm.
I don't want to find out when that knife is in my back.
Like, now I found out.
Time told.
Too late, time.
Yeah.
I would not.
Well, we're about to find out.
I'm going to tell you something that I have never told anybody else.
Ever since Chief kicked me out of the house and asked for a divorce, I have been living in my office.
Nobody knows that.
Not a single soul knows that.
Nobody in this entire world knows that.
- But I also like to keep it positive.
- Me too.
Sorry for the interruption.
No, you're not interrupting.
We're having a conversation that's finally We're positive and we're having fun, for Christ's sake.
Did you make him cry? She did.
But I'm not crying.
I'm I'm I'm just overwhelmed with so much Joy.
Well, suck it up because there's been a murder.
The city's chief health inspector keeled over in his soup, during lunch.
I'm gonna need you two down there.
Hey, don't screw this up.
We won't.
Wow.
Chief health inspector.
Okay.
Well, are you ready to solve a crime, Annie Murphy? I'm ready.
I want to hear it, say, "I'm ready to solve a crime.
" - I'm ready to solve a crime.
- Scream it! I'm ready to solve a crime! Let's go! I forget how strong I am.
We drove my Rampage over to the crime scene at City Hall.
It was time for Annie to stare death in its soup stained face.
Thank you.
Waiter, there's a guy in my soup.
Stop it.
Come on.
- You supposed to make so many jokes? - Yeah, we do this on the job.
Sorry.
Amber Kang, forensics.
Amber, this is my new partner Annie Murphy.
You got really lucky with this one.
Yeah.
Guy's name is Alistair Hale.
He's the chief health inspector for the city.
A real hard-ass, I guess he made a lot of enemies.
- Annie, come on over here.
- Okay.
There you go, Annie.
- What do you see? - What's the dealio? What do you got? What do you think? What's your assessment? Well, it may be a heart attack? I'm gonna say he got canceled.
And then just gave up his will to live.
He just got canceled.
Murder by cancellation? Murder by cancellation.
Somebody found out that he peed his pants.
I don't think you can get canceled for peeing your pants.
Thank God.
My God.
You can't get canceled for peeing your pants.
If that's a rule, then I'm good.
- Okay.
- Not I'm good.
- He's good.
- He's good and we're all good.
Yep.
- Well, it's even cooler than that.
- Okay.
This man was killed By a frog.
- Specifically the golden poison frog - Yeah, this guy.
which can be found in the remote forests of Colombia.
Wow.
Of all the ways to die in Colombia, weird.
Because the first one would be shot by a a rain of bullets by a guy on the back of a moped.
- And the other would be rooty-toot-toot.
- Cocaine overdose.
Yeah.
- Root-a-toot-toot.
- Root-a-toot-toot.
So he died Oh, yeah.
So the Chapote Indians would harvest its natural toxin and I just found it in this guy's soup.
Okay, what else? What else can you tell us? The victim ordered from his favorite place, City Soups, but somebody obviously tampered with the bag.
City Soup's bag is brown with a company logo on it.
That bag is white.
Yeah.
Right, so that's clue one.
That's a clue.
No one got a look at the delivery person, but the security guard does remember hearing someone whistling.
It's not easy to have a recognizable Can you? That's good.
I can do it.
What note are you taking? Yeah, I think You go high.
- Okay.
- Kay, start.
We should probably Probably get to Yeah.
Well, is this his phone? Let's open this up.
We got No, it's a Face ID.
Open up and get his face on there to open it up.
Yeah, just use his face there.
Just pull him up there and grab and let's see his Can you Yep.
Pull up his face.
There you go.
That's good.
He's like your little baby.
Ah There we go.
That's got it.
Yep.
A-ha.
A threatening text from a disgruntled chef.
Alright.
Well, it looks like we got ourselves our first suspect.
Anything else you want to do? No more pictures you want to take? I think I'm pretty good for photos.
I mean, he's pretty handsome.
- How about you take one more? - But I'm good.
I don't Nope.
Take one more look.
He's so hand Look at that.
Get it, Amber! Get it, get it, get it.
Kay.
This feels really, really wrong.
We headed to Chez Nanette to speak with owner and head chef, Nanette DuBois.
Alistair Hale had recently shut her down for minor code violations, which put her at the top of our menu of suspects.
We are not open yet.
Well, you may not be open for lunch but are you open for murder? You are murder police people? That's right.
Check it.
Show her your badge.
Say something cool.
Look at this badge.
Right, say something cooler.
Check this badge out.
Tell her why we're here.
We have a very disturbing scene, wherein we found a man face down in a bowl of tomato soup.
Yeah.
Mr.
Hale ring any bells? That awful little man is dead.
What a joyful day! Wow.
Okay, well, we have some questions.
I am very rushed.
We are finally reopening tonight, so if you want to talk, you must help me prep.
Come, come.
What do you mean? Alright, yeah.
So you prepare 30 of these with the framboise and the crème anglaise buttercream, quick as you can.
Okay? Wait, you want us to do this? Yes, okay, - so as quick as you can exactly like this.
- Yeah, we don't know shit about - Okay.
Well, great.
- Okay.
Allez.
So you have questions.
Okay.
Do you have any questions? - Should I lead the way? - Don't you have some questions? I guess I do, yeah.
Sorry.
God, come on.
Gotta keep making while you're doing it or she's gonna kick us out of here.
First question is how did you know the victim? Ah.
That little spunk weasel shut down my restaurant the past three weeks.
Cost me 150,000 in revenue, all over a missing Tupperware tub.
By the way, this is what the French don't have is speed.
- I think you want to make it as - I'm gonna! Listen, I feel like the questions are more important, but I also hate the way this looks.
What do you mean? I hate the way that You're making me look bad.
I'm just gonna ask the next question.
Ask her the question.
Can you account for your whereabouts that day? Ha! Of course I know where I've been.
You think I walk through the world unconscious? Is this the sort of thing you teach your trainees to ask? It was a stupid question, don't you think? Look at these things.
They're so perfect.
- Thank you.
- You trying to show me up? - Yes.
- 'Cause mine looks like Wait.
You are showing me up? Alright.
Oh! Mon Dieu, what are you doing? What are you doing? That's crazy.
Okay, that is it.
If you cannot make macaron, you can stir vichyssoise.
Not you.
Her.
Stir the vichyssoise, okay.
You must remove all the lumps.
Great.
And what can I do for you? I think maybe you just stand there and do whatever you do.
God, the French are so sarcastic.
Hey, detective.
Do you have any more questions for me? Go ahead, superstar.
Can you ask me Well, I'm asking you.
- I'm very distracted.
I'm so sorry.
- Okay.
Oh, boy.
It's just Have you recently traveled to South Please? - What is happening to you? - Don't I'm just I can't listen, I can't focus or hear what she's saying.
I'm trying to help you.
I am your partner.
This is what we were talking about.
Mrs.
DuBois, have you traveled to South America? Well, of course, I travel all the time.
All over the world searching for new flavors to integrate into Oh, my God, will you stop that infernal whistling? Excuse me! Sorry.
Sorry.
I told you I could whistle.
I haven't heard one answer.
Any more questions, pretty lady? Let me just I would like you to Okay? Now who's doing a good job? Why am I not hearing any stirring? Yeah, why aren't you stirring, Annie? Okay, this is what you get.
Trying to be a goody two-shoes.
Stir that.
- With what? - Keep stirring.
Use your hands! - That is unsanitary.
- Just do it a little bit.
She's gonna kick us out of here.
Just keep go in.
Put more in.
Oh, arm.
There we go.
Stir it up.
- There we go.
- I hate this.
Okay, you have questions? - Yeah, I got a question.
- Yes.
Why is Annie's arm in the vichyssoise? - What are you doing? You animal! - What are you doing, Annie? I'm really sorry.
Are you trying to get me shut down? I got carried away.
That's it.
Both of you out of my kitchen.
- Get out.
- Yes, go.
Can we get a little something to go? Because we kind of skipped lunch, like a doggy bag or something.
You think this is some sort of "Rouge Lobster" since we have doggy bags for little doggies? No.
We have no bags, whatsoever.
Putain.
Putain de merde.
- Sorry about your vichyssoise.
- Merci.
Yeah, I'm sorry about my partner.
After hosing down Annie's arm, we headed to a local elementary school to speak with Ms.
Anya Campbell, a kindergarten teacher who had a nasty run-in with the victim.
Hi! I'm Anya Campbell.
Welcome to room four.
Yes, thank you.
I am senior detective, Terry Seattle.
It's my partner, Annie Murphy, not senior, as in not as important.
- Learning.
- Okay.
We're from city homicide.
Oh, the police! Well, that's wonderful.
I tell all my kids, the police are here to help you and to keep you safe.
Mm.
So listen, we got something pretty serious that we need to discuss with you.
Oh, well, then let's head on over to the carpet and do some sharing, shall we? Circle Time.
Ah, come on, I hate Circle Time.
Eh, eh, em.
We don't use the H word in here, detective.
Okay, very good.
Criss-cross applesauce, friends.
See, Annie knows how.
Come on, detective.
So what can I help you with? Well, we need to discuss with you a murder.
- Oh, dear.
- Tell her, Annie.
We just found a body floating in a bowl of tomato soup.
And the man who owns that body owned that body - So there's another man who owns the body? - No - That was misleading as well for me, too.
- I misspoke.
The man whose body it was Yes.
And that dead man's name was - Alf It's Alistair - Alf, it's not Alf.
You sometimes when we are feeling sad, it's very hard to remember names.
- It's my first day, I'm sorry.
- No, it's okay.
The man whose body it was Yes.
Was named Alistair Hale.
The health inspector? Oh You know, when someone dies, that can be a forever kind of sad, right? Do you want to talk about what kind of feelings you're having? Just a little bit of frustration.
Frustration, yeah.
You're very good at identifying your feelings.
That's good.
One, two, three.
Eyes on me.
What? Yes.
Does Detective Seattle sometimes struggle to maintain focus? I would say so, yeah.
I hate I can't see I'm going to need you to be my quiet coyote.
Okay, Detective? Otherwise, you'll have to spend some time on the thinking bench.
What happens on the thinking bench? You sit and think about what you've done.
You know what? Why don't we do a fun drawing activity while we talk? - Do you like drawing, detectives? - No.
Okay.
This is driving me crazy.
Okay, I hate kindergarten.
It's making me sleepy, I feel like I'm going to cry.
Okay, how are you dealing with this? Just part of the job description, right? Well, I would like each of you to draw a self-portrait.
Okay? Good.
Alright, and now, how can I help? Tell us about your run-in with Alistair Hale.
Yeah, we were having this bake sale to raise money for classroom supplies, you know.
I mean the city's budget doesn't cover all the stuff that you see around here.
So each year, we hold a big bake sale to make up the difference.
And he just appeared out of nowhere and shut it down.
Oh, yeah.
Look at this.
That's a puppet.
It's a puppet.
I knew that was a puppet.
All I want to do is poop.
Terry, please take your self-portrait over to the thinking bench.
- Now.
- Oh, my God.
- 1, 2 - I'm going, I'm going.
Buckle up.
Shoes under your knees.
Anyway, yes, this inspector just shows up and says that we don't have the proper permits, and that the kids aren't wearing hair nets, and that no one is certified in food handling.
We had to throw everything in the trash and he fined us $5,000.
$5,000? - Yeah.
So much for glue sticks this year.
- Right.
Oh, my God, how much longer do I have to be on this thinking bench? I really I gotta go pee and I want to call my mom.
What are you thinking about? You're supposed to be thinking in a thinking bench.
How I can be more polite.
Mhm.
And do you have anything to say to Annie over here? Sorry for my behavior.
Very good.
Apology accepted.
- That's so nice, Annie.
Good job.
- Thank you.
You know what? Why don't we look at those self-portraits, okay? We're all done? Terry, can you please rejoin the group? Put some pep in your step, Terry.
- Annie, let me see yours.
- I have shin splints.
Oh, wow.
That is lovely.
Oh, you are so good at your shapes.
That's so nice.
You know a lot about science, too.
- I do.
- Do you like science, Annie? Yep, I majored in Biology, so.
- I can see that in your self-portrait.
- Thank you.
We're going to just circle back.
Have you ever traveled to South America? Well, I think traveling is a lot of fun and we actually have a travel board that everyone fills out.
There's a lot of fun places that everybody can go.
Alright, Terry.
Let's see your self-portrait.
Oh, Terry.
I drew a wolf eating my neck.
Okay, there's That's actually the best wolf I've ever drawn.
We had one more suspect to interview and this time, Annie was going to have to go deep undercover.
Okay, now listen.
Our target is Vinny "The Fork" Palmieri.
He's a crime boss of the food truck mafia, alright? And my source tells me that they talked to Alistair Hale right before he died.
- So - Okay.
- You ready? - Yeah.
I need you to hold this.
Alright, now listen You're going in there alone, so don't get caught.
Okay? Because if you get caught, this entire investigation is ruined.
You'll be dead, but I'm going to be the one left with all the paperwork, you know? I'm just trying to I was just trying to get a voice going.
Find your voice.
Okay, now listen.
I am gonna be coaching you via this earpiece.
Okay? Put this in and you just say exactly what I tell you to say and you'll be fine.
- Hear me? - Yeah.
You got your voice? Who are you? I'm Vinny, the champ.
Nope, he's Vinny, "The Fork.
" You got this.
Go ahead.
Just get Ow.
You're gonna do great, just say exactly what I tell you to say.
Who the hell are you? My name is My name is Johnny.
Johnny.
Maplecock.
Maplecock.
I'm commonly known as "The Pancake King" in the tristate area.
Well, I'm commonly known as "The Pancake King" of the tristate area.
How come I ain't never heard of you? Maybe you never heard of me Yeah, maybe you never heard of me You got dog poop inside your head instead of brains.
Because Because you got dog poop inside your head instead of brains.
The hell you say? I said I just moved here from Hartford.
I said I just moved here from Hartford.
- Hartford! - Yeah.
The City of Lights.
What a cultural mecca.
I'd like to visit but the feds took away my passport! The feds! The fed The feds.
Boss, Hartford's in Connecticut.
You don't need a passport.
What asked you nothing? - Who nothing you.
- Who nothing you.
I don't even know what you guys are saying.
Exactly.
You got that right.
Yeah, you bet that.
What can I do for you, Mr.
Pancake King? I would like your blessing.
I would like your blessing.
To sell my delicious Connecticut-style pancakes.
To sell my delicious Connecticut-style pancakes.
From my food truck.
From from my food truck.
What's your truck called? Flapjack Orgasm.
Flap Flapjack Orgasm.
Catchy name.
How'd you come up with the name? I just thought of two things your mom likes.
I just thought of two things your mom likes.
What the hell did you say? I s Oh, God.
Just put the box down on the table.
Let me Let me put this down right here.
I got some gifts for yous.
I brought you some gifts.
I got you a PlayStation 2.
I got yous a PlayStation 2.
36 issues of Maxim magazines.
36 issues of Maxim magazine.
And a "Take me drunk, I'm home" t-shirt.
And a "Take me drunk, I'm home" t-shirt.
So A generous offering.
You have my blessing to sell your delicious Connecticut-style pancakes.
One question I need to ask.
One question I must ask.
Will the health inspector be an issue? Will the health inspector be an issue? Laugh.
Nobody's gotta worry about that guy no more.
Laugh harder.
Laugh harder than them.
Hold your stomach, hold your stomach.
That was hilarious, what you said.
That was hilarious, what you said.
That guy Hale was causing us problems all over town.
You couldn't reason with him.
You know, we even brought him in for a sit-down.
- You know, to wet his beak? - Yeah.
But he wouldn't take a bribe, so what're you gonna do? Maybe murder him.
Yeah, maybe murder him.
You know, I happen to be a big pancake guy myself.
What do you work with, a griddle or pan? Um I cook it with a in a pot.
I cook 'em more in a pot.
You cook them in a pot? - Yeah.
- I steam them, then I boil them.
I steam them, and then I boil them.
You boil your pancakes? Annie, I'm in over my head with all this pancake talk.
Something's off about this guy.
Yeah, I don't think so.
- I just can't - Hey! Hey, what's the big idea? Found this guy around the corner.
You alright? Terry Seattle.
I should've known.
You know, I don't know what you're trying to pin on us, but I ain't going to stick around to find out.
Fire up the truck.
We're moving out.
What do you want us to do with him, boss? Tie 'em up and throw 'em in the freezer.
Hope whoever discovers you is in the mood for dessert 'cause they're going to find a couple cop-sicles.
Because you're police, and you're frozen.
Oh, God.
I can't believe it's gonna end like this.
It's gonna end like this? Yeah.
I'm really sorry, Annie.
You trusted me and now you're gonna die because of it.
And I can't help but feeling that I'm a little bit responsible for that.
Yeah, I thought it was going pretty well in there.
If I could do it all over I'd have to say that I probably Probably learn what a pancake was before sending you in there.
That would have been helpful, yeah.
You know my biggest regret? I never went to Broadway to see Tommy Tune Live.
I don't know what Tommy Tune.
Song and dance man.
Kind of without equal.
- None of that matters now.
- I knew that.
No.
We're stuck in here and there's no way out.
I can't believe it.
I just I can't believe that - that we're going to be in here for - What the What? How long have you had your hands out? After somehow managing to untie ourselves, we lured all three suspects to Chez Nanette for a special meal.
On the menu that evening was chicken catch a killer.
Well, here we are.
You looked at all the evidence.
You've talked to the suspects and now it's time to serve up some justice.
I want you to place this platter in front of the person you think killed Alistair Hale.
Was it Chef Nanette, Miss Anya Campbell, or Vinny "The Fork"? I want you to say their name, and say it loud, and really make a meal out of it.
Miss Anya Campbell.
What is going on here? Chief, my partner, Annie Murphy, just figured out who killed Alistair Hale.
Oh, you did, did you? And why do you think it was Anya? Number one, there was a map in her classroom telling people where people had traveled in the world and her name was on it twice, in South America.
Second of all, she had quite a whistle on her.
And also I noticed that when we were at the murder scene, the letters that rated the restaurants were arranged in order A, B, and C.
Much like kindergarten teachers teach their students.
So I was wondering if maybe this was kind of like a last gasp from our victim pointing out who the murderer was.
Annie Murphy, you have just used some wild logic.
You missed clues and completely made up some others.
Your reasoning, frankly, borders on conspiracy theories.
Annie Murphy, you are - You are correct.
- Yeah! - Wow.
- Amazing work.
The killer was obviously the kindergarten teacher.
You correctly noted that the "Places We've Been" map in Anya Campbell's classroom proved that she traveled to Colombia where the deadly frog poison could be found.
Her classroom was filled with paper bags identical to the one used to carry the soup.
Anya even whistled, just like the killer, to get Terry's attention.
It couldn't have been Nanette.
She hated whistling.
Oh, my God, will you stop that infernal whistling! Scuse me.
Sorry.
And while Vinny used a white paper bag to hold the bribe money, he couldn't have traveled to Colombia.
But the feds took away my passport.
But the nail in Anya's coffin was the deadly animals textbook on the corner of her desk.
What kind of kindergarten teacher would need that? The murdering kind.
Take her away.
I did it for the children.
You know, Annie.
Tell them! Well, looks like she's about to get 25 years to life on the thinking bench.
- Remember? - Yeah.
- When I was on the - I do.
Congratulations, Annie Murphy.
I'm proud.
You go, girl.
Well, great job, Annie.
Put 'er there, partner.
Put 'er right there, partner.
You had a hell of a run and you make a terrific partner.
Well, I tell you what I could really go for right now.
What? I could go for a whole bushel of pancakes.
Let's talk it out, okay? - They don't serve them by the - No.
Okay.
Have you ever had a pancake before? I don't think I have.
On the next episode of Murderville Detective, meet Sharon Stone.
Well, hello.
Under no circumstances can you and I fall in love with each other.
Oh, my God! We have a little leak.
This is not a first-day thing.