Murphy Brown s01e05 Episode Script

May I have your attention, please? Who parked their car in my space? Well, I guess it doesn't matter that I had to park three blocks away and trudge through a blizzard to get to my lowly little job reporting world events to the United States of America.
I guess it doesn't matter that I gave up the best years of my life working hard so I could have a parking space by the front door so that the owner of an '82 red Honda hatchback, license plate number 400-928 could have the comfort of warm, dry shoes at my expense.
Be forewarned, you are no longer safe in this town.
Frank.
Got your film from Beirut.
Great job.
Way to go.
Don't talk to me, Miles.
Pretty brutal there, huh? Piece of cake compared to Dulles Airport at Christmas.
Some old lady body-checked me into the luggage carousel.
Claimed I was stealing her bag.
Like I really want a paisley tote with "I'm Billy's Grandma" embroidered on the side.
Morning, men.
Hope the coffee's hot.
It's damn cold out there.
Doing some last-minute Christmas shopping? I had a few people left on my list.
I got Rather, Brokaw and Jennings the same thing.
I went crazy this year.
Got the four-speed model with the wall mount.
- Good choice.
- This one's for Koppel.
Miles, I left four urgent messages for you, and this is where I find you hanging around the water cooler, talking about women.
We were not talking about women.
No one is doing anything about the Christmas party this year.
Not one single plan has been made.
So I've decided to take charge.
Now, some committees are still open.
- Well, I have my - I've gotta go shovel the sidewalk.
Miles, I want you to head the decorations committee.
Corky, I run this place.
Does it look like I have time to shop for crepe paper? And just where is your Christmas spirit, Miles? I'm not required to have any.
I'm Jewish.
Oh, you are not.
Miles, it's all set.
I just talked to the White House.
I'm accompanying the president on his trip.
All right! I knew you could pull it off.
I think I should make a preliminary trip on my own first.
A few details I'd like you to check: I wanna know right up front when I'll be able to meet with When I'll be able to meet with the May I help you? - Are you Murphy Brown? - Yes.
Really? Is this an old picture? What do you want, an autograph? Then will you go away? Miles, do you have a pen? Oh, what is it now, you're collecting for something? I'm telling you right now I'm not going to give you any money unless you've got ID.
It's little frauds like you that hurt the kids who really No.
- Oh, come on! - What? - What? - This is a joke, right? First the parking space, and now this.
"Dear Miss Brown, these are my three children, Joey, Michael and Lily.
I love them very much, but I can no longer afford to keep them.
You seem like the kind of person who could give my children the home they deserve.
This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Please understand.
" Murphy, I think this is for real.
No, no, it can't be.
Listen, kids, this is important.
Where is your mother? Where is she? We don't know.
She said you're our mother now.
You don't understand.
I can't be your mother.
I don't like kids.
That's why I don't have any.
Where do you live? - On Johnson Street.
- That was before.
- On Franklin Street.
- No, that was the first house.
- I can't remember the name.
- It's a brown house.
I have to go to China.
You're the boss.
You handle this.
Me? What do I know about kids? Hey, kids.
No, don't do that.
Okay, get in a group.
Okay, okay.
We're on a roll.
Murphy, we just can't turn our backs on this.
I'm sure we can find some solution.
Hey! Do not, repeat, do not touch that rubber lobster.
You can't play with it.
It's mine.
Why do these things happen to me? Hey, I've got an idea.
Do you kids know who Connie Chung is? Okay, okay, okay.
I know what to do here.
We call the police.
They can track down the mother.
- Right.
- Then we call social services.
- They'll take care of the kids.
- Yes.
This is what we pay our taxes for, right? I'll tell them who I am.
They'll take the kids.
By lunchtime, this will all be over.
No, don't put me on hold.
I've been on hold all day.
Hello? Oh, God, if I have to listen to Vic Damone sing "Silver Bells" one more time All right, now, here we go.
Five-card draw.
Now, who remembers what you do if you get dealt two kings and an ace? Draw two to the pair and hold the ace kicker.
All right.
No, don't cut that.
No, don't.
Frank.
Look, I'm Murphy Brown.
Brown.
No, don't switch me to another department.
I've been switched five Okay, look what Auntie Corky's got.
Ice cream! - Bless you, Corky.
- I love kids.
This must be particularly hard on you, Murphy.
Having to watch them, knowing that there's no one really special in your life and you're probably not ovulating anymore.
All right, now.
What's this I hear about a bunch of unruly tots tearing up my newsroom? Hardly the kind of behavior that will get you anywhere in the world.
Now then, gather around at that desk, and I'll tell you a story.
Now, let me get There.
All right.
Now.
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house Not a creature was stirring Look, it's almost 5:00.
I have to get some answers.
What do you mean tomorrow? What am I gonna do with these kids tonight? Oh, well, that's just great.
- Frank, you've gotta help me out.
- Look, Murph, I can't take them.
- This is It's really a bad time for me.
- Why? I've been away from home for three weeks.
My cat's probably dead.
Kids shouldn't see that.
Come on, Murph, listen to me.
Things could be a lot worse.
How? They could have a dog.
All right, I see where I stand around here.
I guess I'll just have to deal with this alone.
I've gotten through worse.
I'm an adult.
I've got the upper hand.
I mean, when you think about it, what is all this whining on thirtysomething? Way to go, Murph! Okay, kids, get your coats on.
You're coming home with me tonight.
This is really amazing.
I didn't know you had kids.
They're not mine, Eldin.
They were left on my doorstep.
You're kidding.
Do we have to live here? This is ugly.
I hate it here.
- I wanna go home.
- We wanna go home.
- We wanna go home! - I feel like June Cleaver on acid.
Come on, kids, stop crying.
Murphy has a really big headache.
Come on.
I'll give you cash, tens and twenties.
Boy, are you bad at this.
Hey, listen up.
Hey, hey.
Hey.
How would you all like to help Uncle Eldin paint the house? Are you nuts?! Come on, it's great therapy.
Grab a brush.
Eldin, you are looking at a crazy person.
I sat in my office today and watched a child bite the head off a Smurf.
There are sticky little fingerprints all over everything I own.
They threw up in my car.
And to top it all off, my house is still a shambles.
I can't take it.
I want it finished.
I want it finished by tomorrow or I will take this roller and put it someplace that will hurt you! Is that clear?! I think Mommy needs a nap.
- I'm hungry.
- Me too.
Well, you should've thought about that before you threw up.
We want dinner.
What's for dinner? What, in this house? How about a Midol sandwich? Listen, how would you all like to go to a real fun restaurant? What restaurant, Eldin? What restaurant? Don't worry about it, you're gonna love it.
Coats back on.
Do other housepainters go there? I don't wanna go to a housepainter place.
Will you relax? Look, I'll drive.
We'll take my truck.
- It doesn't have any seats.
- Oh, yeah.
Okay, everybody, grab a bucket.
Hello.
Welcome to the Washington Crab House.
I'm your waiter, Brad.
I know you, you're Murphy Brown.
- Right.
- Oh, this is exciting.
- And good evening to you, Mr.
Brown.
- He's not Mr.
Brown.
Well, you have very lovely children, Ms.
Brown.
They're not my children.
Anyway here are your mallets.
And the specials are on the blackboard and I'll be back to take your order in just a few minutes.
Good going, Eldin.
Now they're armed.
Hey, kids, look, I see Jell-O on the salad bar.
You notice how they have to run everyplace? Why do they do that? You know, you could be just a little more tolerant.
All you do is criticize.
If you keep on spoiling them, how am I supposed to discipline them? You are too controlling.
They have to let off a little steam once in a while.
That's easy for you to say.
You're not the one stuck with them all day.
Just a second.
Didn't I take you to a restaurant tonight? Oh, nice place.
It sounds like Santa's workshop.
I work hard, you know.
Don't you think I deserve a place with tablecloths? Hey! Can you control your kids over there? Hey, you guys, quit it.
Stop it now.
Quit.
Quit it.
Stop throwing food, you rotten little Huns, and go sit down! Isn't that Murphy Brown? I thought we should have some really elegant things.
Miniature crepes with shrimp filling, stuffed mushroom caps and petits fours.
- I don't make that stuff.
- What? It's weenie food.
I do hamburgers, chili, onion rings.
If you want, I'll throw in the pork rinds for free.
Great.
Miles, how are you doing on the decorations? Great, Corky.
I cancelled this week's broadcast so I'd have time to work on centerpieces.
The party is tonight, Miles.
I want this place transformed, or somebody doesn't get a grab bag.
Murphy, I need to talk to you.
What is it, Corky? I don't mean to embarrass you but you're not on any of the party committees.
- I'm not going to the Christmas party.
- What? Why? The memory of last year's party is still fresh in my mind.
Perhaps you heard about it.
I drank all the punch and faxed my chest to the West Coast.
I don't think I'm ready to risk it.
Okay, everybody, pay attention.
Today we've got new rules.
You are not allowed to yell, scream, bite or cry.
You must remain seated in this room at all times.
In short, don't bother me, or your brief careers as children will be over and I really mean it.
- Murphy? - Joey I've told you, I don't know why Barney Rubble doesn't wear shoes.
I wasn't going to ask that.
I wanted to know, where are we gonna sleep tonight? I don't know.
But a nice lady from social services is coming today, and she'll take care of it.
It's Christmas Eve.
How will Santa know where to find us? Santa? Oh, great.
This is how it starts.
First Santa, then the tooth fairy then you grow up and invent the trickle-down theory.
I'm going to do you a big favor and be the first adult who's ever been honest with you.
You don't have to worry about Santa because there isn't Because he doesn't Because I'll call him and tell him where you'll be.
You know Santa Claus? Yeah.
We met in a bar in Morocco.
Now, be quiet, I'm trying to concentrate.
Murphy, could you give this letter to Santa? It's kind of important.
Could you check that I spelled everything right? "Dear Santa, how are you? Hope you don't have a cold anymore.
Mom told us that's why you couldn't come to our house last year.
Don't worry, we understand.
If you're feeling better, could you find our mother and tell her that we miss her a lot? You don't have to bring us anything, but maybe could you give something to Murphy for taking care of us? A pony would be nice.
We think she really needs one.
Thank you.
Joey, Michael and Lily.
" I'll make sure that he gets this.
You know, I always wanted a pony.
Me too.
- Hello, Murphy Brown? - Yes.
Francine O'Donnell from social services.
I've come to pick up the children.
Oh, right.
Well, here they are.
All three of them.
You ready to go, guys? I guess so.
Okay, let's get our coats on.
It takes them a while to get their coats on.
And I think you should know Joey walks in his sleep at night, so keep your ears open.
And Michael sounds like he's getting a cold.
And Lily would really like a pony for Christmas.
Wouldn't we all.
Okay, children, come along with me.
Merry Christmas.
Right.
Hey, wait a minute.
You can't take them yet.
I just remembered something.
What? Well it's just that it's Christmas Eve.
If they go, how will Santa know where to find them? Excuse me? See, they've been moving around a lot lately and Santa's memory isn't what it used to be.
Just to be on the safe side, why don't they stay with me? - You sure? - I'm sure.
Speaking professionally, I think you made the right decision.
Okay, here's the plan.
First, we're gonna call Santa.
I haven't really talked to him since he forgot my pony last year but this is no time to hold grudges.
Then we're gonna go shopping at that big toy store on M Street.
- What do you say? - Do we have to wear the rope? Can't believe you broke the skateboard.
We bought it 20 minutes ago.
Well, you try it in high heels.
Surprise! Oh, Eldin.
I've never seen a tree this beautiful before.
I figured I should get you something for Christmas.
And it was either this or a Waterpik.
Oh, and by the way, while you were out, somebody stopped by.
And he's in the kitchen right now having milk and cookies.
Gee, I wonder who that could be.
I wasn't expecting anybody.
Hey there, kids.
Merry Christmas.
- Wow, Santa! - Santa! Murphy's pony.
I'd have done this thing right and come through the chimney but Santa has a bad back.
Did you ever try to lift one of these things? Santa, how do you get to everybody's house in one night? Oh, it's easier than it used to be.
I got me a really souped-up sleigh.
Brought in a couple of elves from Japan.
Took the thing right into the '80s.
But did you find our mommy yet? Oh, well, I'm working on it there, son.
But don't you give up hope.
I know she'll turn up real soon.
Well I gotta be going now.
Traffic's gonna be murder over the Atlantic.
You all have a Merry Christmas now.
- Thanks, Phil.
I owe you one.
- A hundred bucks and we'll call it even.
Okay, everybody, get on your PJs, and then I'll tell you a bedtime story.
Can we hear the one about Haldeman and Ehrlichman again? If you're good.
I guess Santa must have forgotten something.
Miss Brown? I'm so sorry to barge in like this.
Mommy, Mommy! Lily.
Miss Brown, this has been the worst 24 hours of my life.
I'm so sorry to have put you through this.
- Actually, it wasn't that much - Thank you for being so nice.
- I'll take them and go now.
- Now? You and Mr.
Brown must wanna get on with your holiday plans.
Well, we really didn't have any big plans.
Wait.
How are you gonna take care of them? As long as we're together, we'll find a way.
- I'd like to help you out.
- No, please.
- You've done too much already.
- No, look, really.
I do pretty well for myself.
I have an expense account.
I write a lot of things off.
I don't really take Walter Cronkite to dinner every week.
I guess I'm telling you more than you need to know.
Here.
- This should tide you over for a while.
- No, I can't take that.
Lady, take the check.
Believe me, she doesn't do this very often.
I wish there was something I could do for you.
There is.
Promise you'll call whenever you need anything.
Okay, kids, let's go.
I'll send their new bedroom sets and the VCRs and the ice rink.
Lily? I know Santa brought the pony for me, but I think we could share him.
- What do you say? - Oh, boy.
Goodbye.
Merry Christmas.
Well, so I guess my My work here is done.
Yeah, I guess so.
It'll take me a few minutes to get my things together.
I got a wrench set that's all over this place.
Although, Eldin, you know, I've been noticing that the walls on my bedroom could use a little work.
- A little work? Who sold you that wallpaper, Robert Goulet? Just tell me, how long is it gonna take? Couple days, tops.
- I can live with that.
- Great, okay I'll move my scaffold back into the bedroom.
I got Wait a minute.
It's Christmas Eve.
All of a sudden, I'm in the mood for a good party.
I know where I can find one.
You wanna go with me? Yeah, okay.
But if I get lucky, you're taking a bus home.
So, Corky after all my hard work, I haven't heard one compliment on the decorations.
Miles, has anybody ever told you you're a real shlimazl? - Hey, Murphy! - Murphy! Hey, I'd like you to meet my friend, Eldin Bernecky.
Okay, everybody, Murphy showed up and she brought a friend so let's all think before we take that extra meatball.
Let's liven this party up a little.
How about some real music? Coming right up.
All right, it's about time! - Okay, challenge dance.
- What's that? All right.
Hey, Jim, come on! Jim! Jim! Jim!