Murphy Brown s01e22 Episode Script

The Morning Show

Hi, everybody.
I have an announcement to make: This is my 200th day without a cigarette.
Two hundred days.
Pretty good, huh, Fran? Bet you didn't think I could do it, did you, Marv, you old skeptic.
Okay, everybody, back to work.
We're going to have cake later.
- Jim, guess what? - I know, Murphy.
Everyone knows.
Two hundred days.
Yesterday you told us 199 days.
Why, it seems like only a week ago it was 193 days.
What I'm trying to say, is that as much as we love you, and we do love you we're wondering whether this is going to go on forever.
Jim, when was the last time you had sex? Oh, God, it shows.
Doris and I, we're having a little problem in our marriage.
And we don't seem to be able to get in step with each other lately.
Maybe you need to put a little romance in your life.
You know, flowers and candlelight.
A hotel with cable.
It's true.
After 25 years, we do start to take each other for granted.
Since the show's preempted this week, it's a good time to plan something nice.
There you go.
Morning, guys.
I'd say this is one of your better Mondays.
Looks like we'll be able to log some serious goof-off time.
Did any of you get a chance to see the promo for that miniseries that's preempting us this week? - You mean Power and Passion? It's nothing but an exploitative, pandering piece of trash that fouls the airwaves eating away at our intelligence until the country's cerebral level is about the size of a gnat's butt! There's a guy who hasn't sunk a putt lately.
Hi, I'm Murphy Brown, welcome to my desk.
Yes, ma'am, I know.
I'm Edward Pressman.
Pleased to make your acquaintance, ma'am.
Do people ever tell you you remind them of someone? Well, yes, ma'am, they do.
A lot of folks say I favor Roy Orbison.
Murphy.
Hi.
Miles Silverberg, executive producer.
- Welcome to FYI.
- Edgar Pressman.
Pleased to meet you, sir.
I thought you said it was Edward Pressman.
Yes, it is.
It's Edward Edgar Pressman.
Well, excuse me, I gotta go mail something.
You know who he reminds me of.
An older Jay Leno.
Am I right? So, Murphy I stopped by to ask you something.
Actually, I came by with an interesting proposition.
You know the show Another Day, America? The morning news show that was taken over by the entertainment division and has come to symbolize the demise of broadcast journalism as we know it? - That Another Day, America? - That's the one.
Susan Sidwell starts her maternity leave this week.
And Bob Bates is still recuperating from that incident at the tanning salon.
So guess what? The network would like you to fill in as host for the week.
- Isn't that great? - Great? No, it's not great.
Don't look down on this.
It takes a special kind of person to host the morning show.
Someone with style and charisma.
Someone who can generate the kind of ratings you do.
Besides, one week on the morning show will expose your audience to a whole new side of you.
I want you to read my lips.
I'd rather walk barefoot through hot coals than be on the same broadcast as a weatherman who wishes "Happy Birthday" to people's pets.
- Brownie! - Gene.
- Mr.
Kinsella.
- Silverberg.
I know Silverberg has talked to you about hosting the morning show this week.
I'm sorry, Gene.
She's playing hardball on this one.
I'm afraid the issue is "deadski.
" I certainly wouldn't want to force you into something you're set against.
But you should know that Another Day, America is a very important show to the network.
We need someone with style and charisma.
A person who can generate the kind of ratings you do.
- I don't know.
I don't think I'm the right - You see, Murphy stars like you are very few and far between.
The big ones, like yourself and Connie Chung, have reputations Wait a minute.
Connie Chung? I'm a much bigger star than Connie Chung.
Of course you are.
We all know that.
I only bring her up because if you say no to this, we'll ask her next.
Frankly, she's already expressed interest.
She thinks it would be good for her audience to see another side to her.
But, hey, that's Connie.
No, you make up your own mind.
I certainly would understand if you want to pass.
Well, you have made a couple of good points, Gene and actually it's only for a week.
- I guess it wouldn't kill me.
- Well, good! Then it's all settled.
But I want you to know the only reason I'm saying yes is I know it would mean a lot to Miles.
Well, I certainly am glad to see that this relationship is working out.
Murphy, thank you.
Silverberg, let's have lunch.
Why did you say that? I don't know, Miles.
Sometimes Donna Reed comes in and takes over my body.
Let's not question it.
Thank you, Murphy.
I owe you one.
Wait a minute, I forgot to ask.
I'm not gonna host the show alone.
Who's my co-host going to be? Murphy, I just heard the news! We are going to have so much fun! Hello, Murphy, pull up a chair.
I got news.
I'm gonna host the morning show.
The morning show? They asked me to host it once.
As if I really wanted to get up at 3 a.
m.
To interview some flash-in-the-pan starlet or health-food nut for the sole purpose of entertaining late-to-work slackards or the chronically unemployed and hooking them on a daylong spree of soap operas.
- Jim, did you book a hotel yet? - No.
Hurry.
- Hey there.
- Hi, Phil.
What's this I hear about you hosting the morning show? God, Phil, is there anything you don't know about? I was a day late on the Quayle nomination.
But that was more of a psychological denial situation than anything else.
Hi, Murphy.
Hi, Jim.
Well, I got the segment list for our week.
I was really excited when I saw it.
- We get to interview Charles Pritchard.
- Who? Murphy, he's a very distinguished author.
He won the Children's Book Award this year.
He wrote Chinaberry Chuckles in the Land of the Woogies.
What the hell's a Woogie? Here's a copy of the book.
Make sure you study it.
And take a look at this list.
There's some challenging things on it.
"Gifts You Can Make for Father's Day.
" "How to Get Your Dog to Respect You.
" Corky, there's no studying here.
This stuff's a snap.
Well, I'm glad you know everything there is to know about spring fashions for thick-waisted women.
Me, I have to do my homework.
And I'm making it a short day.
I'm going to bed early so that getting up at 3:30 isn't a shock to my system.
Think about that, Murphy.
You know how you retain water when you're tired.
I hate this.
I have to be in a makeup chair in five hours and I can't sleep.
Why don't you try reading a book.
That usually works for me.
I tried reading that one, but I couldn't get through it.
Chinaberry Chuckles in the Land of the Woogies.
Why don't you lie down.
I'll read to you.
That's stupid, Eldin.
Hey, it's a once in a lifetime offer.
What do you got to lose? - Comfy? - Just read it, Eldin.
"And so Chinaberry Chuckles gathered up all his worldly belongings and went in search of his dear old friends, the Fifis.
He knew that Kelbo, their leader, would help him on his fearful mission" You know, I had it figured out by page three.
Any fool could guess that Chinaberry Chuckles finds the magic key in the ogre's cave and the Woogies' Christmas is saved.
Well, thanks a lot.
If I were reading Anna Karenina you'd probably tell me not to get too attached to her.
There's something really nice about getting up before everyone else.
You get so much done.
I was up at 3, did my aerobics made a good breakfast, did my hair and nails and still had time left over to organize my notes.
I brushed my teeth.
You know, you should floss too, Murphy.
A middle-aged mouth is just a playground for gum disease.
Look, Murphy! It's Glenn Goodman, the weatherman.
He's my favorite.
I'm going over to introduce myself.
Hi, Mr.
Goodman.
I'm Corky Sherwood.
You know, I've been watching this show for a long time, and what strikes me is no matter how bad the weather is your sunny disposition comes right through that screen.
Well, tell it to someone who cares, okay? And thanks for taking away my one big shot at the couch.
Know how long I've been waiting to feel those cushions under my butt? Since you were a child, babe.
But no, I'm stuck with this weather crap.
While a couple of tootsies from a big deal prime-time show get the anchor spots.
Jenny! I got all cat birthdays here! Now, get me some dogs or I'll get letters! Places, please.
30 seconds to air.
Look what they send me.
Pathetic.
Hey! Wake up! This is morning.
We don't mess around down here.
These people are my people.
So don't cross me, okay? Five seconds to air.
Four, three, two Good morning.
And welcome to Another Day, America.
I'm Murphy Brown.
And I'm Corky Sherwood, filling in for Susan Sidwell.
Hope it's a girl, Susan! And we all send our best wishes to Bob Bates for a speedy recovery.
You know, I hear he's peeling now, Murphy.
He's going to talk about his accident when he gets back.
Maybe through his hardship he can help others.
Well, anyway, we have an exciting week lined up for you.
We'll be starting our five-part series of visits to celebrity homes.
Today, Earl Holliman.
But first, here's our favorite weatherman, Glenn Goodman.
Thank you, Corky.
And I must say what a pleasure it is to have two gorgeous stars from FYI here with us this week.
Glenn will be back with the complete weather picture later.
But first, we have a special guest in our studio.
Charles Pritchard.
Mr.
Pritchard is the author of that best-selling new children's book: Chinaberry Chuckles in the Land of the Woogies.
This is the fourth in the series, correct, Mr.
Pritchard? Yes, and it's so gratifying that the character has been so well received.
Well, I for one couldn't help noticing that the male-dominated Woogie kingdom seems to mirror our own adult struggle for sexual equality in the workplace.
Oh, I wouldn't call the Woogie kingdom male-dominated.
In fact, I don't know that the Woogies have a particular sex.
Tell me.
Aren't the Fifis actually an oppressed minority of sorts? Oh, no.
The Fifis are very happy little creatures.
Well, I'm sure that's what you'd like us to believe.
But there's a subliminal message being sent here.
Case in point, Chinaberry Chuckles himself.
He shows up, does nothing to liberate the Fifis just passes out the Christmas presents, and only to the rich Woogies.
Do you have little ones, Ms.
Brown? I think I can intelligently discuss your 37-page book without the benefit of having experienced childbirth.
Well, I for one loved the part where the big Woogie cried because there would be no Christmas.
Oh, did you? - I hear there's going to be a sequel.
- Yes, there is.
Chinaberry Chuckles is going to have a rematch with the ogre! You know, there are so many ways of looking at these things.
It is possible to see the ogre as a symbol of the unregulated growth of government power.
But I for one, would like to remember him as just a great big hairy fellow who's been misunderstood.
I couldn't agree with you more.
Charles Pritchard, we're out of time.
I hope you'll be writing books for years to come.
Murphy.
And in our next half-hour, Brad Heflin, a real news guy will have an interview with the new secretary of Health and Human Services.
It's very short.
Look, Murphy, you're just going to have to lighten up, and that's all there is to it.
We're not doing Meet the Press.
You're dragging me down out there.
I was being light.
Why did you insist to that poor actor that he's always being typecast? Who cares? He always plays the same innocent kid.
He's 10! Now, Murphy, you're just going to have to get better at this.
I can't do all the work by myself out there.
Frankly, you're embarrassing me.
Hello, ma'am.
I just want to say I've enjoyed your work on the morning show very much.
Oh, thank you.
Isn't that sweet.
And you are? Elwood Pressler.
Happy to make your acquaintance, ma'am.
Corky.
Excellent job you're doing.
Everyone upstairs is highly impressed.
And the audience response has been very favorable.
Well, thank you, sir.
I'm doing my best.
Please, call me Gene.
- Hi, Gene.
- Hi, Brownie.
- I've been watching you on the show.
- Yes? Lighten up.
Come on.
I'm not that bad, am I? Jim? Frankly, I've rarely seen anyone so ill suited for a situation as you are for the morning show.
You're acerbic, humorless, inflexible and unprepared.
In a nutshell, you make Sam Donaldson look like Pinky Lee.
Jim, I thought you went to a hotel with Doris last night.
I did.
It was great.
Thanks for the advice, Murphy.
But you still suck.
Murphy, I feel terrible about this.
It's all my fault.
Who ever knew you could be so bad at anything.
I'm not bad, Miles.
I'm just not good.
- It's harder than you thought, isn't it? - Yes.
It takes a certain kind of person to ease people into their day.
- Corky knows how.
I hate that.
- Murphy.
Maybe you just have to accept the fact that there are some things you'll never master.
What do you mean? You think I can't do morning? I can do it.
I can do it great.
You just watch tomorrow.
Corky gave me the gardening segment.
I'm gonna tell you everything you ever wanted to know about bulbs.
People will be talking about mulch on their way to work tomorrow.
The word "tuberous begonias" will be on everyone's lips.
Elwood, get me the Georgetown Nursery.
No, no.
I said the jumbo bucket of chicken.
Ms.
Brown, we've had a change of plans.
Mr.
Kurtz, the plant expert, he had an accident on the l-95.
A load of potting soil shifted and his truck jackknifed.
He's okay, just so you know.
He's stuck in Virginia till sometime this afternoon.
But we got another gardening guy, right? Actually we got Ida Mae Johnson.
She does green things, right? Plants, little growing green things? Says here "winner of the That sounds like cooking.
Do you mean cooking? Morning, everybody.
I brought doughnuts for the crew again.
Murphy, you're here early.
I was ready for the gardening segment.
I bought a spade and those goatskin gloves.
I read everything ever written on perennials.
Mr.
Kurtz jackknifed! - What are you talking about? - The garden guy.
He's been replaced by a lady who bakes things! Murphy, this is no reason to panic.
So we've been thrown a curve ball.
We're professionals.
We'll handle it.
You don't understand.
The last time I baked brownies I had to call in an industrial cleaning service.
Just follow me on this one, okay, Murphy? Do we have any idea what Mrs.
Johnson is going to bake? Well, judging from the ingredients and utensils, looks like a dessert soufflé.
Why don't we just build a Titan Missile for God's sake! Murphy, it's all right, we'll get through this.
Just tell yourself, "I can do this.
" We're here this morning with Ida Mae Johnson of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.
Winner of this year's National Bake-Off.
That's right, and Mrs.
Johnson is going to show us how to make an orange soufflé.
Now, Mrs.
Johnson, this is the recipe you won with, right? Oh, no.
That was my fruitcake.
But this was on kind of short notice and my nuts have to be rum-soaked for a week.
- I see.
- As you can see, we've melted the butter.
- Now we're going to blend in the flour.
- That's right.
We've melted the butter, and now we're going to blend in the flour.
We've poured the flour.
We blend the flour.
Notice the way in which she blends.
Nice even strokes.
Stirring, I believe, counter-clockwise.
Mrs.
Johnson, what exactly is that utensil Corky's using? A spoon.
No special name for it, no special kind of spoon? - No.
- Just an ordinary, common spoon.
You know, some people think a soufflé is hard.
But it isn't really.
Not as long as you have the right utensils and you time everything just right.
So, what's next? While we're waiting for the milk to boil, we need to separate four eggs.
Why don't you do that while I grate the orange peel.
Okay.
Separate the eggs, huh? - Would you like me to do that, Murphy? - No, it's okay.
I can handle it.
Here we go.
Clean up on aisle six.
Why don't I do that, Murphy.
You stir the flour.
Now, there's an easy way to separate eggs.
It's all in the wrist.
Watch this.
Hey, that's pretty good.
Let me try that.
- No, Murphy, you stir the flour.
- No, I can get this.
Best two out of three.
Now see here, it's time for the milk and this girl's still not got the flour mixed in! Why don't you tell everyone the importance of keeping your countertops tidy.
- Here's a sponge.
- Just one more egg.
- Settle down, we gotta beat the egg whites.
- I'll beat the egg whites.
- No, I'll beat the egg whites.
- I don't care who beats the egg whites.
Just beat them.
Beat them! They gotta go into the sauce now! Oh, those whites won't beat! There's yolk in them! So they'll be a little yellow.
You don't know what you're doing! You ruined my soufflé! There's a butcher knife.
Why don't you just cut out my heart with it! Lady, what do you want from me? It's 8:00 in the morning, I haven't had a cigarette in 205 days! It's a morning show.
Lighten up! Listen, it's been fun, but we need to shut the studio down.
Okay, just one more.
Murphy, I'm sorry I had to get rough with you on set.
I hope you're not mad.
No.
Actually I should thank you for taking that meat mallet away from Mrs.
Johnson.
Good.
See you upstairs.
Hey, Corky? I've been meaning to tell you something.
You really surprised me this week.
You were good.
Oh, Murphy, thank you for saying that.
It means a lot to me.
I wish I could say the same about you.
It's okay.
I've accepted my shortcomings.
Sort of.
You know, this week you're probably feeling a lot like I do most of the time.
Somebody throws you into a situation you're not prepared for and you fall on your face a lot.
But I believe a person can learn, if they study hard and really apply themselves.
At least I hope they can.
I really would love to be like you, Murphy.
I guess that's about the nicest compliment anyone has ever given me.
Come here, Murphy.
I knew you wouldn't do it.