Murphy Brown s11e01 Episode Script

Fake News

1 NEWSCASTER: There's really no path to the presidency for Donald Trump without the state of Florida.
That's why Clinton and Trump are spending so many Please allow me to introduce myself I'm a man of wealth and taste I've been around for a long, long year - Stole many a man's - I accept your nomination.
- soul and faith - I accept your nomination.
NEWSCASTER #2: He has always been in full-attack mode.
- Grab them by the - Pleased to meet you - Hope you guess my name - NEWSCASTER #3: People in the Trump campaign just over the moon tonight.
NEWSCASTER #4: If she can't win Pennsylvania and Michigan, we have a problem.
It is possible that Donald Trump might win the presidency.
Just call me Lucifer 'Cause I'm in need of some restraint NEWSCASTER #5: One of the things that's most important And Don has been talking about this quite a bit Is not just southern Florida, which tends to be, uh, democratic, especially in the southeast People, I am standing here r of a political earthquake.
They said it couldn't be done.
They said he didn't have a chance.
But it's happened.
Donald J.
Trump will be the 45th President of the United States! Reporting live from the New York Hilton, this is Avery Brown.
Noooooooooo! - [INDISTINCT TALKING.]
- Hey, Phyllis.
[CHUCKLES.]
I got to warn you, Murphy, if you double-parked your chariot, you will be towed.
Oh, the pink hats were fine for the first march, but it's time to step it up a notch.
We're at war now.
Yeah, remember when people used to go to brunch on the weekends? Protest marches are the new Eggs Benedict.
[CHUCKLES.]
So what can I getcha? How about an Irish coffee, but hold the Irish? You got it.
You know, my brother Phil would have loved these marches.
It's great for business.
Angry women drink a lot of Chardonnay.
Oh, you know, I still can't get used to being at a protest march without reporting on it.
That probably feels weird, right? Totally.
I've been off "FYI" for a few years, and I still haven't gotten the hang of retirement.
People say, "Why don't you travel?" Well, I've been everywhere.
"Take up gardening.
" It would not be fair to the plants.
Yes! Ha ha! Our bodies, ourselves! [SIGHS.]
Oh, for God's sake, Frank.
What? It keeps my head warm.
Plus, it shows that I'm secure in my masculinity and have solidarity with the women who are out there marching to shine a light on the erosion of their rights.
Uh-huh.
How many phone numbers did you get? Just two.
I called one of them.
Now I have a timeshare in Boca.
Excuse me.
Ma'am? I'd like a cappuccino with non-fat milk and extra foam.
Sure.
You wait right here while I go to Rome to get it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, God.
So many women! You'd think they were giving away free Spanx.
Ow.
What is wrong with you? Oh, I totally wore the wrong shoes.
Aah.
Is that an Ivanka Trump pump? - It is! - No! I couldn't help it.
They were cute.
And on sale! A dollar a shoe.
I have to watch my budget now that I'm unemployed.
Oh, Corky, I can't believe you got fired from "Wake Up America.
" You were made for morning television.
It was humiliating.
Replaced on the show by the weather girl! She took a couple of weeks off for "foot surgery," came back to the show with double-Ds.
When she stood next to the weather map, we couldn't see Oregon.
Next thing I know, she's in, I'm out.
You remember when Walter Cronkite was - "The most trusted man in America"? - Ugh.
Jim had the right idea Buy a boat, sail away, forget you ever heard the name Hannity.
Am I right, Frank? Frank? I liked being famous.
Come on, Frank.
You were one of the greatest investigative journalists there ever was.
Yeah, I know.
[CHUCKLES.]
But it's not the same going into a classroom a few times a week and teaching it.
Look, I get it.
It's hard being on the sidelines.
Especially now, with everybody screaming - "fake news!" - Come on, Murph.
You miss being on the air a little.
Yeah.
Once in a while.
Like when he instituted the first Muslim Ban and then when he instituted the second Muslim Ban and then when he instituted the third.
[SCOFFS.]
I miss it a lot! Oh, my God.
Look.
Look who's sitting next to us.
Where? Over there.
It's Murphy Brown! Who's Murphy Brown? Hey, look at that! My key still works.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hi, Mom.
I'm back! There's my handsome kid.
Hey.
Do I smell home cooking? Take-out Chinese? [LAUGHS.]
How was your trip in? The train left Penn Station two hours late, some kid vomited on my shoe, so, you know, better than last time.
Avery, this is so fantastic.
A whole weekend.
Are you hungry? Uh, yeah.
Starving, actually.
Hey, uh, Mom, I've got some big news.
I've got some big news, too! Really? You want to go first? Nope, you go.
Uh, all right.
So I'm, uh making a big career move.
And it involves me coming back to Washington on a permanent basis.
Avery! That's fantastic! Of curse you'll stay here.
I'll give you a much better rate on your room than when you were growing up.
What's the big career move? Um, okay.
So I get this call out of the blue.
And, apparently, my time on the trail covering the election attracted some attention from the, uh [CLEARS THROAT.]
Wolf Network.
Ooh! Rice! The Wolf Network? Where all the male anchors are conspiracy theorists and the women are dead behind the eyes? It's judge-y.
It's very judge-y.
Thank you.
Anyway, they offered me my own show! - Get out! - Mm-hmm.
28 years old, and you got offered your own show to anchor? Do you know how rare that is? That's amazing.
You didn't take it, did you? Yes, Mom.
Of course I took it.
I mean, I actually think I can make a real impact there.
You know, I can change the culture and An-and be the voice of reason.
Yeah.
And the Earth is flat.
That's what they think over there.
All right, listen, for the past two years, I've been covering the campaign in every single state.
And I have met a lot of people, good people, who who care about this country.
You know, people who drive pick-up trucks and have kids in the military and save their coupons and go to church on Sunday.
They deserve a voice.
They've got one.
It's orange, lives in the Oval Office, and is Facebook friends with Putin.
Look, Avery, I don't think it's the right move for your career, but it's your life, and it's your decision.
Thank you.
Even if it's a massive one that you'll regret for the rest of my life.
There she is.
So why don't you tell me about your big news? Okay.
I'm going back on the air.
- What?! - Yeah.
Get out! Are you serious? You know, there is such insanity out there that I was becoming this nut job yelling at the TV.
I'd rather be on TV, yelling out.
The point is, I realize I still need to be in the game.
Especially now.
CNC has been after me for years, and I finally said yes.
Wow, I mean, the queen of broadcast television is making the switch to cable news.
Mom, I think that's great.
My show is gonna be a roundtable type of thing, with a panel Uncle Frank, Aunt Corky, and various guests.
And here's the novelty It's going to be totally factual.
[CHUCKLES.]
When's your time slot? Weekday mornings, 7:00 to 9:00.
- [COUGHS.]
- [UTENSIL CLATTERS.]
Mom.
My time slot is weekday mornings 7:00 to 9:00.
No way.
Brown versus Brown? Ooh.
BOTH: You are so going down.
MILES: Go away, please.
It's Murphy.
Open the door.
Go away, please.
I'm not going away until you open this door.
And you know I mean it.
I brought a pillow and a Thermos.
Geez, Miles, I know you live at the Watergate, but is one of the requirements to look like Nixon in his final days? Don't come in.
It's 3:00 in the afternoon and it's like the Batcave in here.
Don't sit down.
Miles, I've been worried about you.
You don't return phone calls, you don't answer e-mails.
Where have you been? I had to go away for a while.
To a facility.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
People! Other people! It's open! Come on in.
Oh, no.
Them.
Miles.
What the hell? You moved to the Watergate? Are you all right? He had to go away.
To a facility.
A facility? What? Like public storage? Can we get a little light in here? Oh! My rods! My cones! Miles, can you please tell us what's been going on? You remember when I left "FYI"? I just couldn't take the pressure anymore.
Right.
You needed a break.
So I took one.
But after a while, I wanted to go back to work.
And you took that job we told you not to.
I thought it would be a piece of cake.
But I was wrong.
So wrong.
Two years on "The View" nearly killed me.
Those women! The gossip.
The backstabbing.
Every day was like an episode of "Game of Thrones.
" I had a meltdown.
I went away for a while.
To a nice place in the country.
There were trees and birds, and they gave me special slippers.
I thought I was all better, so they sent me home.
And? And then, I turned on the television.
I took a peek at my Twitter feed.
A-And it all came crashing down.
Warmest temperatures on record.
Mass shootings.
North Korean nukes.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
Matt Lauer! It's bad out there.
It's It's It's so bad.
Miles, that's all true.
Yes, O.
J.
is out, Nazis are in, but you can't hide from the world.
You've got to try and change it.
I hate Nazis.
- You said his trigger word.
- Well, I didn't know.
- They're bad people.
- We get it, Frank, you hate Nazis.
It's not even their logo.
They stole it from the Indians.
This isn't you, Miles.
You were a fearless producer.
We need you right now.
Wait a minute.
N-Need me for what? What are you saying? We're going back on the air, Miles.
The band is getting back together.
We're doing a show, and we want you to produce it.
N-No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
Miles, journalism is in your DNA.
Unless you're digging for the truth of a story, you're never going to feel like yourself.
Admit it, Miles.
You missed the adrenaline rush of a breaking story.
And you miss us, too.
I wish I knew how to quit you.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh.
- [LAUGHS.]
Here it is, people.
If you had told me two months ago that we would be standing here together, on this set, I'd have said my medication has run out.
Murphy? Where's Captain Kirk? This is how it is on cable.
Lots going on to accommodate increasingly short attention spans.
We'll be able to see live postings on all our social media, to get immediate reaction from viewers in real time.
Which reminds me, I need to introduce you to our Head of Technology and Social Media.
Oh, that must be you.
Oh, you assume just because I'm Indian, I'm the tech guy? Because I am.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh! Pat Patel here.
So, every news organization has someone like me to stay totally connected and amplify our brand across multiple platforms, such as Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, et cetera.
I study analytics, algorithms, data mining to create content, optimize search engines, and generate inbound traffic to our hub, where I can then provide a real-time KPI.
Can you show me how to make my font bigger? That's as big as it gets.
So I've noticed not all of you have Twitter accounts.
Murphy.
Yeah, no, I'm not on any of that stuff.
That's where people go to nurse their outrage and express their opinions, and, as we all know, I don't care what other people think.
Show Pat your phone, Murphy.
No, I don't want to.
Show Pat your phone.
O-M-G.
I have never actually seen one of these in person.
I mean, I've seen pictures.
It opens! Hey, Siri? She's not there.
How do you live? It's a phone.
I use it to actually call people.
We'll get her a new phone.
Okay, people, our first show is a week away.
Frank, you're doing the TSA security piece.
Murphy, you're doing climate change.
And, Corky, what have you settled on? I'm working on a piece about the pros and cons of hormone replacement for women.
It's a personal story for me.
Just had my first hot flash.
I think it's God's way of saying to women, "Sorry, but now that you're done having babies, I'm going to have to kill you.
" Okay, let's go make a show! No.
You hang back here, Murphy.
H.
R.
is gonna send someone up to interview as your new secretary.
Oh, goodie.
I haven't had one of those in a while.
Hello.
I'm here to interview for the secretarial position.
Hillary? Yes, Hilary.
Hilary Clendon.
My God.
You look just like I know.
Hillary Clinton.
I get that a lot.
But my name is spelled with one "L.
" Well, o-okay, Hilary with one "L.
" Please sit down.
Um, I-I guess you've heard this is a pretty demanding job.
I have.
Your reputation precedes you.
But I want you to know, I am not afraid of hard work, I'm qualified and ready on day one.
And I also assume you've had previous secretarial experience? Absolutely.
For four years, I was the secretary I was the secretary of a very large organization.
And you have all the requisite skills Computer, e-mail? - E-mails.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
I-I do have some experience with e-mails.
How are you at teamwork? You know, putting on a news program is a huge operation.
Oh, I get that completely.
Everyone works together.
It takes a village.
Well, you are very impressive.
Maybe a little over-qualified.
How about I take some time to think it over and give you a call? Well, it was a pleasure meeting you.
I'll be expecting your call, and here, let me give you my card.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Hilary@youcouldahadme.
com.
Oh, hey, Mom.
I didn't think you'd still be up.
Sleep is very overrated, honey.
Especially when our shows are going to premiere tomorrow.
At the same time.
Uh, can you help me with this? It's a new phone.
Miles gave it to me.
He wants me to open social media accounts.
He says it'll help the show.
Uh, yeah.
He's right.
You know, the more followers you have, the more effective it is.
How many followers do you have? On Twitter? Like 542,000.
That's the population of Baltimore.
It's one of the reasons they gave me my own show.
Here, I'm gonna set you up with a Twitter account.
What do you want your handle to be? I don't know.
Something original, like Murphy Brown.
Okay.
Nope.
There's a lot of Murphy Browns, actually.
Named after me, obviously.
Oddly, a lot of them are labradoodles.
[LAUGHS.]
How about, um, RealMurphyBrown? Yeah, that's fine.
Whatever.
All right.
Give me a password.
Password.
Mom, "password" is the most hacked password of all passwords! How about, um, "Arethaforever"? Yeah.
That's great.
Do that.
All right, great.
This'll take a couple minutes.
So, how's the old show prep going? Pretty daunting for a novice, eh? Don't worry if you're feeling overwhelmed.
You can handle it.
Probably.
Actually, I'm surprised how confident I feel.
I've got a fantastic team, and I love the format.
Which you've refused - All right, Mom.
- to reveal to me.
Your own mother.
An 18-hour labor - Head like a melon.
- Head like a melon.
All right.
You're gonna see it tomorrow anyway, right? So, I'm not gonna have any experts or pundits on theshow.
I'm gonna broadcast live all over the country Whether it be a bar or a coffee shop or even a bowling alley.
I'm gonna give the real people the kind of platform that they never get.
What do you think? A bowling alley? [LAUGHS.]
Nobody wants to hear a debate on healthcare from people in rented shoes, really.
[GASPS.]
Your eye just twitched.
You are nervous.
Oh, shut up, you little piss pot.
You're on Twitter.
Thank you.
So, now, how do I tweet? Uh, well, you see the little quill icon? Hey, that's from your era.
Haha.
You just tap that.
"Hello, Twitter People.
Here's a fun fact I once went on a date with Donald Trump.
" "He made us split the check.
" What? Y-You went on a date with Trump? You never told me that.
Well, Avery, some things are just too much for a child's mind to process.
Now, how do I send this? Mom.
No.
Don't post that.
That's like throwing a match onto gasoline.
Avery, please.
He's not going to read this.
Fly, little birdie.
- [BIRD WHISTLES.]
- Whoo-hoo! Yay.
All right, Mom, give me the phone.
No! It is shiny and new.
Oh! I have followers! Mom, you don't know what you're doing.
Look, Avery, just go on upstairs to bed.
I'm gonna stay here and play with this.
Oh, look! Elizabeth Warren re-tweeted me! All right, just think before you tweet, Mom.
Shows have been canceled for less.
Murphy! What the hell did you do?! You tweeted about the President, and it went viral! I know! [SMOOCHES.]
No! You are a serious journalist.
And right now, a Russian hit man could be sneaking plutonium into your next latte.
You really went on a date with Donald Trump? Please tell me that was back when you were drinking.
Murph, he didn't grab anything, did he? Oh, come on, Frank.
The guy is a lot of things, but he's not suicidal.
All right, two minutes to air, people.
How are we all feeling? A little warm.
Miles, could you turn the air conditioning up? It's freezing in here, Corky.
It is? Oh, God.
I don't know about anybody else, but I'm feeling great.
Like I'm home again, with all my favorite people around me.
Yeah, I'm I'm feeling a little nervous, to tell you the truth.
I mean, this is a big risk.
It's a new show.
What if nobody watches? What if it tarnishes our legacy? What do you think, Miles? How do you feel? Well, I was feeling pretty good until just now.
But we got this.
We're doing something we believe in.
And that's all that matters, right? All right, ten seconds to air, people.
Someone bring me my special slippers.
In 5, 4, 3, 2 Good morning, and welcome to the first edition of "Murphy in the Morning," a different kind of cable-news program.
Different because Frank Fontana, Corky Sherwood, and I will be dealing in something we've seen far too little of lately The truth.
FRANK: We're going to talk about politics without treating it like it's a sporting event.
And we're going to do it without hostility.
I went home to Louisiana for Thanksgiving this year, and five minutes into the meal, all hell broke loose.
It started out with Uncle Luther saying that Aunt Deena overcooked the turkey again, and ended up with somebody turning the table over and screaming, "Lock her up!" [LAUGHS.]
So there you have it.
To show you what we mean climate change.
Is it real, or is it a hoax? Here with us this morning is Mary Vernon, recently appointed senior manager at the Environmental Protection Agency.
Congratulations on your new job, Ms.
Vernon.
I believe you came to the EPA from where again? I ran the gift shop at Trump Tower.
So we find you today in the Alaskan wilderness where you're advocating opening it up to oil exploration.
How's the weather there? Cold.
And, as you can see, there's a lot of ice.
I don't see anything melting, as global-warming proponents claim.
But data collected from satellites shows a huge reduction in Antarctic ice.
As they say, pictures don't lie.
It's all cyclical.
These are natural climate patterns.
Actually, weather and climate are two different things.
Scientists have shown that the glaciers are melting at a rate not seen before.
This pattern started in the 1970s, and it's speeding up at an alarming rate.
Ice is important to support wildlife, like polar bears and seals, and provides drinking water for millions of people.
Ice is needed.
Because the Earth is having a hot flash.
The EPA recently scrubbed all mention of climate change from its website.
And there seems to be no mention of the benefits of solar and wind power.
Actually, the benefits of alternative energy sources are up for debate.
I can totally tell [ICE CRACKING.]
Did she just fall through the ice? Miles, look! Look! We have a visitor.
Is this for real? - [GASPS.]
- Are you kidding me? The President is tweeting at us? "'Old Murphy' doesn't know what she's talking about.
Turbines bad.
Kills all your birds.
I'm against wind.
" Congratulations, Murph.
He gave you a nickname.
Who is he calling old? I'm younger than he is.
PAT: O-M-G.
He's trolling her! Feed that troll, Murphy! Feed him! Are you crazy? Keep it together, Murphy! Oh, and by the way, if I had your hair, I'd be against wind, too.
"Nobody remembers who Old Murphy is.
She tries to get publicity by attacking me.
Sad!" The only sad thing is your tweets.
Somebody should put one of those electric dog collars on you, and every time you grab your phone, zzzt! "Be careful, Old Murphy.
You hit me, I hit back ten times harder.
" Oh, you bring it on.
Hashtag Dan Quayle.
And another thing No! Here's your tea, Mom.
You feeling any better? - Oh, thanks, honey.
- Yep.
Just lying here, staring up at the ceiling, remembering when Eldin painted that mural on the Industrial Revolution.
Yeah, I really miss him.
Yeah.
I sure wish he were here with us.
Well, we told him not to run with the bulls.
Ugh.
I so screwed up.
I wanted to do a show that didn't stoop to all the blaming and the name calling.
And, instead, I became exactly what I despise.
Oh, don't be so hard on yourself.
You know, I saw your show online.
It was good television.
Yeah.
There's a difference between good television and journalism.
This is why the people don't trust the press anymore.
I watched your show, by the way.
It totally worked.
As disappointed as I am in myself, I'm incredibly proud of you.
Mom, that means everything to me.
[CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
Oh, hey, ratings are in.
Uh-oh.
Okay.
Wow.
Wow.
You beat my pants off.
I-I don't believe this.
I thought everybody would turn the channel.
This isn't right.
I don't deserve these numbers.
Yeah, but you got 'em.
Look, you're a hit.
Take yes for an answer.
It's been a long day, and I am beat.
[GROANS.]
I'm gonna turn in.
Night, Mom.
Good night, honey.
Hey, just think, ten hours from now, we get to do it all over again.
But don't get too cocky.
Tomorrow I'm reporting from a pancake house.
[LAUGHS.]
Old Murphy my ass.