Murphy Brown s11e09 Episode Script

Thanksgiving and Taking

1 And to end our show on a lighter note, tomorrow is Thanksgiving.
Traditionally, the president pardons two turkeys.
Okay, that's just too easy.
Feel free to write your own joke.
Tomorrow, we'll be off for the Thanksgiving Day Parade and the National Dog Show.
Go Yorkies! We'll be back bright and early on Friday morning.
So, America, put aside your politics, pick up your forks, and have a wonderful holiday.
We're out! Oh, and don't forget, the average person gains two pounds over the holiday season, and the camera adds ten.
So, renew your gym memberships, people.
Great show, everybody.
Great show.
Happy Thanksgiving.
See you Friday morning.
- Got to go.
- Miles? Nope.
Got to go.
Can't talk.
There's only three floors in this building.
Where is that elevator? Miles, you never answered my invitation for Thanksgiving dinner.
I'm so sorry, but, uh, I-I made other plans.
What other plans? M-My Aunt Shirl She's all alone, so I'm spending Thanksgiving with her.
Your Aunt Shirl died two years ago.
Shouldn't you be starting to lose your memory by now? Frank? Murph, you know what? Uh, geez, of course I would be there in a heartbeat, but you know what, I have this cold-y flu-y thingy Whoa! Does anybody else hear that ringing? Yeah.
It's the BS alarm, Frank.
You're coming.
- Corky? - What the hell is wrong with this stupid thing?! Oh, shoot! Murphy, I had it all planned where I was just gonna look at you and sort of say, "lady issues.
" Then, Frank ruined it with his pathetic performance! You guys, Avery has been on the road for the last few years.
He's hardly been home for Thanksgiving dinner, and I thought it would be great to have a home-cooked one.
I even bought the bird.
It weighs 25 pounds, and it cost $350.
So, you'll spend $350 on a turkey, but you wouldn't chip in for a birthday card for Julius? It's just that there are lovely ones online for free, and I want you all to be there for Avery and you're coming, too.
I'm actually not really big on Thanksgiving.
And not just because it celebrates the savage slaughter of our indigenous peoples I mean, who doesn't like a holiday? But I'm a vegan.
That's all the green stuff, right? Well, we should have some of that.
So, see you at 2:00.
Hey, Murph, maybe you can serve the meal at the ER, save us some drive time.
Anything I can bring like the dinner? Miles, don't you have any snide remark you'd like to make? What's the use? I'm as dead as Aunt Shirl.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Turkey Hotline.
This is Ken.
How can I help you? Ken, this is my first time cooking a turkey, and I want to do it justice.
It weighs 25 pounds and cost $350.
$350? What's it stuffed with, iPhones? Look, it's a heritage bird.
It grew up on a farm in Vermont.
It ate nothing but organic grains.
It speaks three languages.
How do I know why it cost so much? All right.
Wound a little tight today, are we? Relax.
This is the turkey hotline, not the suicide hotline.
You took the bag of giblets out of the cavity, didn't you? Didn't you? Didn't you? Of course I did.
What do you take me for? Before you do anything, preheat your oven to 450 degrees.
Let me see You do have an oven, right? My oven is on, Ken.
If that's your real name.
It isn't.
So, you pat the turkey dry and season it all over with salt and pepper.
Ha! I already did that! All right, don't get cocky.
And then, when the oven reaches 450, place the turkey on the lowest rack.
"Congratulations on your new oven.
" - What? - Nothing.
All right.
After a half hour, turn the oven down to 350.
And then, when is it done? In 5 1/2 hours.
Ah, your friends are here.
Hope they like pizza.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Come on in! It's open! Happy Turkey Day, guys! Whoa, it is really blowing out there.
Weather says there's a major nor'easter coming our way.
Is Avery going to make it in? Yep.
He got the last flight out of Boston.
He was doing a piece on a food bank in Plymouth, and he should be here any minute.
Do you need me to help you in the kitchen, Murphy? Well, no, because when Avery sits down at the table, I want him to know that his mother did everything.
I don't smell any turkey roasting.
Well, that's because your nose is stuffed from that cold-y, flu-y thing.
So, are you excited to feast on a tortured creature who spent its short, miserable life trapped in a cage with thousands of other turkeys, force-fed genetically modified grain, until its head was cut off, its body turned upside down, and its blood drained onto the floor? That did not happen to my turkey.
My turkey grew up on a beautiful farm in Vermont with its own bed, turn-down service every night, free cable, and then, one bad day.
Whatever helps you sleep at night.
Anyway, I brought my own food.
Check it out soyball sub, soystrami, and soysage.
Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! Oh, thank God! Booze! Yeah, well, you can't get through this holiday without a little refreshment.
And it gave me a chance to clear off some stuff that wasn't selling very well.
I hope you like banana schnapps.
Not even when I was drinking.
Miguel, I forgot to invite you.
Will you come to dinner tonight? Oh, thanks, but I was just helping Phyllis carry this stuff in.
I'm working on the food truck with my parents today.
- On Thanksgiving? - Yep.
Every year, we park the truck in front of one of those "recently divorced dads" apartment buildings.
The guys are all on anti-depressants, so the tips are huge.
I've got to go.
My parents are out in the truck waiting for me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I mean, there's a storm.
You're not gonna make any money today.
Bring your parents in.
There's plenty for everyone.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
Let me go ask them.
Another innocent victim.
Maybe three a massacre.
I heard that.
Okay, here's the deal.
I run a restaurant.
I wait on you people every day.
Today is my day off.
Today, I do nothing except eat and drink.
Phyllis, could you hand me the remote? Today, I do nothing.
Whoa! Brutal out there! - Hey, guys! - Hey! - Hey, Avery! - Ohh! This is great.
The whole fam together on Thanksgiving.
I love it.
And, hey, I saw the food truck outside.
That's really cool.
Whose idea was that? You can have some turkey enchiladas, some turkey mole, maybe some turkey fajitas.
Hey! Avery's here! What is that? Is that a apron? Yes.
It came with the expensive turkey.
I'm cooking Thanksgiving dinner.
Well, this is not good.
Who Who let this happen? It's nobody's fault, really.
Oh, yes it is.
It's his.
Really? How is it my fault? Because she loves you and wants you to be happy, and we have to pay for it! You know, you guys are hurting my feelings.
Here I am, giving you a beautiful holiday experience, at $43 worth of turkey per person, and you're sniping at me.
You know what? You are right, Murphy.
The main thing is that we're all together.
Do you want me to help you bring out the appetizers? They're out.
There's a lovely bowl of nuts on the table.
They'll tide you over.
I don't want anybody ruining their appetite before the $350 turkey comes out.
What is this? Is this a Southwest Airlines wrapper from a peanut bag? Touchdown! I knew Stafford would hit that seam route.
That tight end's been open the whole game.
That's what I've been saying, Dad a run-pass option.
- They can do it all day.
- Ugh! Football speak! So boring! I want to watch the parade.
Don't you, Phyllis? Maria? Oh, I'm not used to sitting on Thanksgiving.
Maybe I should go help out in the kitchen.
No! We restaurant people, this is our day off.
We do nothing.
Okay, that's it.
Ohh, the Macy's Day Parade! Now, this was a great day for parking enforcement, because we had our own parade the parade of cars being towed away.
Parades give me the creeps.
All that band music and marching.
You know what it reminds me of? Stinking Nazis.
Guys, I don't want to start a panic, but I was just in the dining room, and the only thing on the table is a half-done jigsaw puzzle and a basket of laundry.
She hasn't even set the table yet? Someone go in the kitchen and see if she's even in the house anymore! All right, I'll do it.
I'm going in.
I knew this was gonna happen.
This storm will never end, there will be no food, and they'll find our remains here in the spring.
How sad for you.
Mmm! Soyquito.
Oh, my God! Someone's got to do something.
It's like Freddy Krueger's Thanksgiving in there.
Maybe I can help.
Oh, Maria, we hardly knew ye.
Ay, ay, ay, ay, Dios mío.
Hi, Maria.
Don't worry.
I know it looks bad, but everything's under control.
Ah, I was going to offer to help you, but I think it's better if you sell the house.
Oh, God, I am so in over my head.
Why can't I just admit there are some things in life I'm not good at? Oh, don't worry.
We'll get it done.
Chop up this celery.
We're going to make the stuffing.
You know, I just wanted this to be a special holiday for Avery.
Of course.
What we don't do for our sons.
Chop up the sage.
You know, speaking of sons, your Miguel is a pretty great kid.
Ah, thank you.
We brought him here from Mexico when he was two, because where we lived, the violence, oh, it was everywhere.
So, you've lived half your life undocumented? That must be terrible.
What choice did we have? Now, our dream is to see Miguel graduate and to someday become a lawyer.
I bet it wasn't easy working full time and raising a son.
That's something we have in common.
You know, there's so many things from Avery's childhood I regret missing.
Oh, we did the best we could.
And you know what? They turned out to be pretty good.
Although, I don't miss the phase when Avery thought it was funny to flush everything down the toilet.
My piece of the Berlin Wall, gone.
It's hard to believe he grew up so fast.
It's hard to believe he grew up at all.
- Ohh! - Son of a Hey, guys, look at this.
My cousin, Angie, just sent me a picture of their Thanksgiving table.
Look at that turkey.
So juicy! How juicy? Send it to me.
That is so hot! Ohh.
Look at the steam coming off it.
Oh, mama.
We have a saying in Spanish.
"Si la comida de Dar Gracias se vuelve en basura, siempre la comida China.
" He said, "If Thanksgiving turns to crap, there's always Chinese food.
" So, Pat, what's that you've got there? Mm.
I saved the best for last.
Soy-loin steak on a stick.
You know, I'm sorry I was so snarky about your vegan lifestyle.
Forget it, Frank.
I'm not sharing with you.
Damn it, Pat.
I'm an animal, too.
Where's your compassion? Avery, my glass is empty.
That's a pretty stingy pour, there, junior.
And why are we watching this old movie? I want to watch "Real Cops on Patrol.
" - Hey! - Ooh! Ahh.
No, I saw this one.
It's good.
What the hell is that, a severed thumb? Thumb? That's not a thumb.
Why would an angry wife cut off her husband's thumb? - Ohh! - Okay! Under any other circumstance, that would have ruined my appetite.
You know, it's been like this my whole life.
She gets it into her head that she has to do something, and she cannot let it go.
Like, when I was a kid, she convinced herself that she had to help me build a model plane.
We wound up glued to the card table.
Good news, everybody! Dinner's ready! In one teeny, little hour.
I've done all I can.
It's in God's hands now.
The Lord has spoken.
Your oven It is gas, yes? No.
It's electric.
I got a good deal.
- Be careful right there.
- Ohh! Well, this was supposed to be a nice office gathering, and it's turned into the world's worst escape room.
This is not good.
I have a thing about being trapped in a small, crowded space with a limited air supply.
Who doesn't have a thing about that? Watch out.
Watch out.
I feel like a pallbearer at Big Bird's funeral.
Ohh! Corky, is that your hand on my butt? Ew! I thought it was a basket of warm tortillas.
Also, Pilates could really help with those pillowy glutes, Frank.
Thanks a lot, you guys.
Not only is my turkey not cooked, but my giblets are frozen.
This bird is too big to fit in the oven.
I'm going to have to spatchcock it.
- What? - Spatchcock! Spatchcock! You don't have to swear, Maria.
It means to split down the middle and lay it open.
We're closed! Immigration and Customs Enforcement! Open up! H-Hey.
H-Hold on.
Is there a-a problem, here, officers? We received a call from a neighbor here about a taco truck parked in a residential area.
Noticed the taillight's cracked.
Ran the plates.
Seems the truck belongs to a Carlos and Maria Gonzales undocumented immigrants, outstanding removal order.
What're all you people doing in here? This isn't a meth lab, is it? We can't even cook a turkey.
You think we could make meth? Let me handle this.
Former member of the NYPD here.
I'm gonna have to see your paperwork.
We don't have to show paperwork anymore.
You want to read something? The new Grisham novel is very compelling.
Can't you look the other way on this? Wouldn't you rather be home with your families on Thanksgiving? Are you kidding me? If I could deport my husband, I would.
So, let's get on with it.
Gonzales, please, step up here.
I'm not Mr.
Oh, really? 'Cause you don't look like you're from here.
Where were you born? Ohio.
Ohio, huh? Which state am I referring to when I say the "Buckeye State"? - Ohio.
- Crap.
You guys cannot barge in here like this.
I know you're used to dealing with people who are scared and vulnerable, but if you don't get out of this truck, I will spatchcock you.
Oh, yeah.
I read about that in Gourmet Magazine.
It doesn't dry out the bird, - and it cuts the cooking time in half.
- Reynolds! What did I tell you about losing focus? Look, lady, we're in the removal business.
We've got our orders.
Maria and Carlos Gonzales, step forward.
- I'm Carlos Gonzales.
- No, Miguelito.
He is DACA.
I'm Carlos Gonzales.
And I'm Maria Gonzales.
Now we're getting somewhere.
Hey, Pat, do you have your phone? Record this.
You'll be taken to a retention center It's Thanksgiving Day here in America.
ICE agents, with no paperwork, have shown up to arrest an undocumented couple who have lived in this country for 20 years.
They have contributed to their community, and they have no criminal record.
They pay their taxes, and they are raising a son who will one day become a lawyer.
You don't have to put handcuffs on them, for God's sakes.
What did they do except give up everything so I could grow up in a country that we thought was the most compassionate place in the world? Sorry, kid.
We're just following government orders.
Can we have a moment with our son? Miguel.
We always knew this day might come.
We've put some money aside for you.
I'm going to do something, okay? We have to do something.
This can't happen.
This is why you need to finish school and become a lawyer.
I will see to it that He will always have a roof over his head - as long as I'm around.
- Gracias.
I love you, Miguel.
You know what? I will be your worst nightmare! I know people! I know immigration attorneys! I know judges! They are not going anywhere! where the President and his family enjoyed a large Butterball turkey, like this one.
Wrong graphic.
I had nothing to do with that.
Over to you, Murphy.
Thank you, Corky.
And on Monday, we're going to have a special segment on Actually, I'm going to go off-script for a minute.
I normally don't tell personal stories on the air, but something happened yesterday.
I can't imagine what it's like for parents to be separated from their child, but I watched it happen to friends of mine.
your subsequent deportation to Mexico.
Oh, for God's sake, you don't have to put handcuffs on them.
What did they do except give up everything so I could grow up in a country that we thought was the most compassionate place in the world? I did everything I could to stop it.
I called in every favor.
I pulled every string.
But it wasn't enough.
People say, "Why can't these illegals just get in line and apply for citizenship?" Well, there isn't any line.
There's no path to citizenship if you've come into this country the way my friends did yes, illegally.
But because they would have waited years to become citizens precious years with a young child vulnerable to the gang violence and drug culture that threatened his future.
So, if you celebrated Thanksgiving yesterday with your family, I hope you gave real thanks that you were all together.
As for me, watching what I did yesterday might have given me a real reason to lose faith in my country.
But I refuse to believe that we've become so jaded that we feel nothing when we see these human beings experiencing such heartache.
There has to be a way to fix this.
We can do better.
We will do better.
I know we can.
This has been "Murphy in the Morning.