My Family (2000) s05e01 Episode Script

Doesn't it bother you that it's too quiet? Never.
It bothers me.
Look, Janey is at university, Nick has got his own flat, Michael has settled down into something near normality and Abi is always out at evening class.
There's just you left.
I know.
Doesn't leave us with much to do, does it? Speak for yourself, I've got my book to read.
Might do a spot of gardening Yep, we ought to take a spin down to the coast.
God, you sound like someone's grandad.
I am, remember? For the first time in my life, I'm approaching something like serenity.
So settle down, do your jigsaw and I'll try and get up to page 15.
Michael! Susan! Abi! Hello.
What the hell are you doing with that?! Don't worry, it's only yesterday's paper.
I don't mean that, I mean that! I'm taking car maintenance classes.
- I didn't know you had a car.
- I don't.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Just imagine it all put together again.
Purring along the open road.
I don't have to imagine it, I can remember it.
My car was perfectly all right! And it will be again.
I just need to find some bits of things.
What on earth do you think you're doing? It's not me, it's Abi.
she's taken my car to bits.
Oh, Abi, did the embroidery course not work out? No, it turns out I'm allergic to thread.
Hello! Hello! How can you stand there idly chatting when half my car is on the kitchen table?! But I didn't let it put me off, so I switched courses.
After all, the whole idea is to meet new people.
The same could be said for a long sea voyage.
I can tell I annoy you, hanging around the house all day.
- No, no, no.
- Yes, yes, yes! - Abi, don't talk nonsense.
- She's always talking nonsense, but this time the nonsense make sense! Get this bloody thing out of here! - Don't you think it's too heavy for her? - I meant her! I'm telling you, Susan, I've had it! I've had it now! Had it, now! Abi, perhaps car maintenance wasn't the best choice.
You've convinced me.
no more car maintenance for me.
Hey! Hey! What about my engine? Too late, me car fixing days are over.
Oh, Ben will be pleased to hear that.
Ohh, my My beautiful car My beautiful engine My beautiful brown thing with a hole on the top.
Hey, Michael, help me shift this thing.
- I'm afraid that's not possible, Father.
- I'm afraid it is.
Now, but is it not written, "On the Sabbath shalt thou do no labour?" I do not know, is it not written? Yes, it is written, sorry.
Is it not also not written that "You shall help me shift this thing "or I should give thee a mighty hard kick up the wazoo?" I forgive you those harsh words, Father.
- God won't.
- Oh no, not religion.
Well, I'm at that age.
Don't worry, it's all good news.
No more selfishness, no more sin.
Just Bible study and silent contemplation.
- I've been born again.
- I wasn't too happy about it first the time.
- (Doorbell) - Doorbell.
- Sabbath.
- OK, I'll get it.
(Doorbell) Doorbell, Susan.
I'll get it.
- Hi, Dad.
- Someone else get this! - Nice to see you too.
- Hmph.
You are not pregnant again, are you? - No.
- Ah! Well, then, come in.
Oh, hello, Kenzo! Oh look at you.
My, my, haven't you grown? Gets more and more like his father every day, whoever he is.
Drop it, Dad.
Where's Mum? Hello, Janey, this is a nice, er I'll, er I'll be with you in a minute.
So, how long are you here for this time? The weekend? Or longer? Kenzo, who's the cutey-wooty-pie? Hold that thought, Kenzo.
Hello, Janey.
- How's uni? - Versity.
- Oh, Mum, let's not talk about uni.
- Versity.
Course, you must be tired.
- When do you have to go back? - Oh, I don't.
- Don't you have lectures? - Not any more.
- You mean you've dropped out of uni?! - Versity.
That's right.
What about your future, my money? If that's your attitude, Dad, I'm sorry I ever came back.
Oh that's all right, darling, I'll call you a cab.
- Or truck.
- Ben No that's all right Mum, Dad's right.
I'll leave now.
I'll take little Kenzo back out into the cold and the rain.
Oh, Janey, no.
Don't go.
Oh, thanks, Mum.
It'll be like I never left.
(Banging) I'll never be free.
Why did she just leave Manchester like that? Because she can get free board and lodging here.
Maybe there's a man involved.
Yes, her father and his wallet.
No, let me tell you what I think happened.
OK, you win, go on.
I'll never get to page 15.
Janey met one of those slackers at university.
Versity.
Oh, sorry that's reflex, sorry.
A slacker, whose curly brown hair and doe-like eyes have led Janey off the academic path, into a counter culture hinterland of raves, hip hop and Icelandic underground films.
Or maybe she just dropped out.
I can't wait to find out, Oh, it's just like Christmas.
Nothing's that bad.
Go down and ask her first thing.
- Why me? - Because Janey never tells me anything.
Well, the kind of things she tells me, I don't want to know.
Well, you should do.
What if she's serious about this bloke? What if they move in together? Or get married? I'll never have to pay for her again.
- Morning, Janey.
- Morning.
- Ooh! That's nice.
- Yeah.
I found all this stuff in the fridge.
- I thought I better step in quick.
- Smashing! So, anyone special on the scene at the moment? You mean, why aren't I married yet? Janey, you're not making this any easier for me.
I'll make it easy.
Butt out.
OK, butting out already, thank you.
Here we go, butting out, butting out.
Butting out here, OK? Uh-uh Haven't said grace yet.
Don't mind me, go ahead.
Please, Dad, this is really important to me.
Erm, I'm I'm sorry, Michael.
O, Lord, we thank thee for thy bounty on this glorious morn, we thank thee for thee food that thou has provided.
Amen.
The bread, made from the golden wheat, the eggs laid by the humblest of thy creations, the farmyard hen.
Amen.
The tomato, so lovingly fried.
The hydrogenated butter substitute formed from thy molecules in some chemical process, which thou hast in thy wisdom, ordained and devised.
- Michael - Shh! We thank you for the gift of sunshine, interspersed with light showers.
- Michael, shut up! - Dad? What? Forgive me these harsh words.
- Actually no, you're going to hell, forever.
- I'm gonna need a big breakfast then.
Good morning, how is everyone today? Well, she's cooking, he's weird, and I'm going to hell.
So did you ask her? Yep.
- Did you muck it up? - Yep, your turn.
So, Janey, anyone special on the scene at the moment? - Well, you know about Orlando.
- Yes.
Then there was Tom, but since then nothing's worked out and now with Kenzo, there's not much room for a relationship.
- Well, you're young, there is no rush.
- Mm.
Hang on, I just asked the same question, I was told to butt out! I have to give Mum just enough to keep her happy, with you there's no point.
Excuse me, I'm still in the room.
Hello! We're all avoiding the issue here, except me.
Look, you can't just drop out of college on a whim! You're a grown woman with a child.
Daddy, don't you wuv me any more? Darling, of course I love This is exactly what I mean! Why don't you just go back to college and get married! I don't care! Oh, Ben, I've never seen you so involved, so resolute, so father-like.
Yeah, I don't know what came over me.
I'll be at the end of the garden.
- Ben? - What? I found the perfect pastime to keep me out of the house.
Oh, I like it already.
Naturism.
- Naturism? - Yeah.
(Laughs weakly) Do you know what naturism is? Yes, it's about wandering through the landscape, looking at trees and flowers and owls and bracken.
Yeah, course it is.
Good, there's a meeting tomorrow, I'm going.
And I think you should, because I think you'll find it a real eye opener.
Susan, is there anything funny about naturism? Of course not, dear, it's perfectly normal and natural.
Hence the word "naturism".
- Nothing funny about it at all.
- Good, that's what I thought.
Oh, dear.
What was that all about? - She is going to a naturist meeting.
- So? Well, it's priceless, isn't it? Because she thinks it's about birds and bees, and flowers and trees, and bracken and things.
You mean she doesn't realise she's going to spend the evening in a room full of naked nutters? - Why didn't you tell her? - She's dismantled my car.
Yes.
Dad, I want you to meet Hubert.
He's from the Flaming Scourge Bible Group.
I've got all there albums.
Hallo, Mr Harper.
We've come to save you.
I'm already safe, thank you.
- But are you, Dad? - Evidently not.
You see, Dad, you've either been saved or you haven't.
And because God knows everything, he already knows who's going to heaven.
And who is going to hell.
Really? So it doesn't matter what I do, then.
Might as well do what I like.
It's your choice.
Except according to you it isn't, is it? First round to me, eh? Oh, wait until I tell the guys in hell.
- We'll be praying for you, Dad.
- Yeah.
I'll be here enjoying my book.
The Michael! Oh, hello.
- Mrs Harper? - Yes, is there something wrong? We are looking for a Janey Harper.
Oh.
Any particular one? - The one who lives here.
- Ah.
Oh.
Erm Well, she doesn't live here Well, she did, except we haven't seen her for months, or heard from her.
How many months? Fourteen.
I see.
- Tell me, is she in some sort of trouble? - We'd rather discuss that with her.
Oh, well, that's a shame, because she is not here just now.
For 14 months.
Thought you said 15 months? No, no, I definitely said 14 months or maybe 15.
Well, if she does happen to drop by after 15 or 14 months, perhaps you could give us a call.
All right, but I don't think that's very likely.
That she'll drop by, or you'll give us a call? Whichever's the least suspicious.
Good day.
- Who was that? - The police, looking for Janey.
- What?! - It's all right, I've put them off the scent.
I thought I heard her come in.
No, she's not back yet, I would have felt a tremor in my bank balance.
So what do you think it is? Credit card fraud? Smuggling? Video piracy? My money's on shoplifting.
Shoplifting, that's right.
Stealing children's shoes from Mothercare, because you wouldn't give her enough money, you pig! Oh, great! So I'm now getting the blame for a putative crime my daughter may or may not have committed in a town 200 miles away.
How dare you say that! My daughter's innocent.
Susan, take a deep breath Good, count to ten and Keep counting.
I'm gonna read my book.
Oh, God, I can't read this.
Joanna Trollope? Load of old cobblers about a vicar's wife.
- Then why are you reading it? - Michael's made off with me Tom Clancy.
We're leaving in a den of thieves.
- Do you think so? - Forget I said anything.
Well, Ben, I just popped in to say I'm back from my first naturist meeting.
- (Chuckles) - And it was really good.
- Really? - Yes.
So, what were people like? - Very nice.
- Oh.
- And? - Pleasant.
Yeah, and? And they are having a picnic this weekend on a private beach, and I'm going with them.
Well, keep your eyes peeled, you may see some winkles! Ah or seaweed.
Hiya.
Hallo, Janey.
Did you pay for those? Of course not.
They're on Dad's credit card.
Janey, is there something you want to tell us? No.
Oh yeah, Dad, you've opened an account at Selfridges.
Ooh, again.
What I mean is, Janey, the police were here yesterday, from Manchester.
Oh, God! They tracked me all the way down here.
Did you tell them where I was? Of course not.
Are you in some sought of trouble? Not in so much trouble, Mum, more of a mix-up.
What did you tell them? - I said I hadn't seen you.
- Great, thanks, Mum.
- That's what any mother would have done.
- Not every mother would lie to the police.
- What? - It's all right, Susan.
Let me handle this.
Janey Look, I've been your father for longer than I care to remember, and I know I give the impression that sometimes I don't care, but I do, darling.
I care very, very, very much.
Now, this thing that the police want you for it's nothing to do with me, is it? - No, Dad.
- OK, that's fine, it's all I want to hear.
You, er, going to finish that? Well, fine, thank you very much.
My God, I lied to the police.
I can see myself in the dock.
I'm wearing a lilac chiffon paisley print wrap.
Now, what handbag should I take? - I suppose I could work in the library.
- Hm? - In prison.
- Mm.
- Or even better, the kitchens.
- Mm, good idea.
You could poison the guards and escape.
Still not found your book? You know I haven't.
I had to borrow this one from Kenzo.
You might get past page 14 now.
Anyway, beats Joanna bloody Trollope.
I'm just worried.
I'm far too attractive.
I'll be a sex toy for all the warders.
Susan, do you mind? Maisy and Tallulah are icing a cake.
Oh.
Oh, you can laugh, but how would you like to be locked up with a bunch of sex-starved tarts and nymphos? Oh, well.
Never gonna get to sleep now.
Why are the police after you? I'm not telling you, you'll only use it against me.
A - as a Christian I wouldn't do that.
And B - I've got enough on you already.
Like what? Like you didn't drop out of college, you were thrown out.
- How do you know that? - The power of prayer.
Plus I found Jenny Grover and asked her.
Who's Jenny Grover? - Your tutor.
- Oh.
Right, I was thrown out.
They kept making me do these stupid essays.
What makes you think they were stupid? They wrote it at the bottom of the page.
Promise me you won't tell Mum and Dad.
I won't, if you come to one of my Bible meetings.
Isn't the Bible against blackmail? Come to my meeting and find out.
Oh, my God! You've made tea.
Susan, these are my friends, George and Sandra.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Don't get up, please.
- They're from my naturist group.
- Ah.
Not the car maintenance course, then.
No.
George is a solicitor, and Sandra works for The Citizens' Advice Bureau.
Really? So, George, as a solicitor, what would you say if well, let's call them person A, had lied to the police? Well that's clearly a very serious matter.
But I'm not really a criminal lawyer.
George is more conveyancing.
Family law, that sort of thing.
- But that's not to say that I can't help.
- Oh, good.
- Let me give you some more cake.
- Oh, yes please.
Maybe later.
Give me oil in my lamp, keep me burning Give me oil in my lamp, I pray I pray! Give me oil in my lamp keep me burning Enough! What is this, Michael?! Why can't you be like a normal kid - get drunk on Bacardi Breezers and wake up with a tattoo?! - (All) Ooh.
! - All right, calm down.
Why can't you do this in church? - God is everywhere, Father.
- Really? Well, he'll be at Hubert's waiting for you, go on.
A prophet is without in his own country.
Oh, Janey Not you as well? Hallelujah.
Come, join us, Father.
There's plenty of room at the table of glory.
I've got an appointment on the sofa of sanity.
One, two, three.
Give me oil in my lamp, keep me burning - Keep me burning.
- # Give me oil # Ohh.
Susan, you will not believe what is going on in that kitchen.
It is utter madness! Whilst in here, everything is as it should be.
Ben, this is George and Sandra.
- They won't get up.
- (Both) Hello.
Hi.
Why don't you join us, Ben? - We could squeeze up.
- Room for a little one.
No, thanks, I'll stand.
George has been giving me some very good advice.
Oh Don't take it.
See you later.
- Sorry.
- Oi! Sorry, um - Oh? Ah - Oh, no it's my night off.
Don't want to hear your problems.
Oh, really? Which ones? - My daughter, who's dropped out of uni.
- Versity.
Now she's on the run from the law.
Or the resident crazy woman, who's dismantled my car, and filled the house with nudists.
Or my youngest son who's now got religion.
He hasn't has he? Oh, God! That's what I thought.
You do understand, maybe you could help.
Me? Look at me.
Here I am, at half past eight, in the pub with my M & S meal for one.
I won't get to the bus stop without getting drenched, nor get back to my poky little flat to late for The Bill.
- Getting back to my problem - I live above a chip shop.
They won't even let me have a manse, and I have to look after three parishes.
Oh, well, isn't that always the way? But, er what do you think I should do? Personally, I find the answer in drink.
Things become a lot clearer after a couple of beers.
All the doubts and paradoxes disappear.
Plus it make you funnier.
Do want to to go on somewhere? No, thank you.
Susan! Susan! Any nudists about? - No, they left, eventually.
- Yeah? Actually it was a little embarrassing.
- A little? - Yes.
The Bible group caught sight of them on the way out and a scuffle developed.
Christians v nudists.
All sorts of things were flying about.
What? What sort of things? All sorts.
I didn't know where to look, apart from away.
Susan I've got some great news.
So have I.
George says it'll be all right, if I tell the police the truth.
They'll understand why I lied.
After all, I am her mother.
- Good old George.
I like George.
- Yeah, me too.
- We're still gonna burn the sofa though.
- Yes.
- So what's your good news? - Ah, Susan, it's amazing.
- What is? - Look, I met this bloke in the pub What have you bought? No, it was a real revelation.
This bloke was as miserable as me and he doesn't even have kids.
Yeah! Then it hit me, you see.
The kids are not a problem, Susan.
It's me! At last! You see? I'm the problem.
If Michael can be born again, so can I.
From now on, darling, I am going to be open-hearted, warm, loving, giving, generous.
The man in the pub it was drugs wasn't it? - Janey? - What? Darling, last night I discovered something.
All right, dad, look I didn't drop out I was thrown out, OK? You did good, you did good.
It's important, Janey, for all of us to follow our hearts.
Is that it, or was there something else? I want to welcome you back into the bosom of our family and I want you to know that whatever law it is that you've broken, we will protect you.
And there's a room here for you and everything.
- Do you really mean that, Dad? - Yes.
Janey, please stay in our house, please.
Are you joking? Why would I want to do that? I found a flat to rent, a couple of streets away.
- What? - What? Yeah, I can come and go as I please, without being interrogated, and you're close enough to baby-sit.
Janey, how are you going to pay the rent? Well, don't ask me, ask Dad.
And I need a deposit and the first month in advance.
Right! That's it! No more Mr Pretending To Be Nice Guy! I'm not going to hell, Susan, I'm already there.
Things couldn't get any worse.
Dad, the police are here.
It's all right, I'll handle it.
Hello, there.
Can I help you? I think you know why we're here.
You find my umbrella? No more games, Mrs Harper, we know she's been here.
All right, all right, I won't lie to you again.
She moved to Australia and then she died.
- She's in the kitchen.
- (Janey) Mum! - Janey.
- Gareth.
I told you, it's over.
I thought we had something special.
- We had a fling.
- But it could be so much more.
Look, I'm sorry it was the uniform.
When you got promoted to plain clothes, it just wasn't the same.
Right, I see, if that's the way it is.
Come on, Spencer.
Spencer! Janey, this policeman was just some old fling that you dumped? How could you? I He must be earning 30 grand a year, plus overtime.
Janey, why didn't you tell us? Because if you knew it was just a boyfriend, you'd never have covered up for me.
That's why you're such great parents and I love you.
- You're not getting around us that way.
- Ohh, my little Janey.
You fall for it every time! Ben, I got a friend to fix your car.
Hello! Ah, Mikey, off to church are we? No, Blockbusters.
- What? - Well, I'm finished with religion.
Mikey, how could you? You were so devout, so annoying.
What happened? Well, there was this quad bike I really wanted.
I prayed really hard all week, end of the week comes - no quad bike.
Doesn't make sense.
I'm through with God.
Michael, religion isn't about personal gain.
Dad, stop preaching at me.