My Family (2000) s05e02 Episode Script

Hi Hubert.
What are you doing here? Solved the whole of maths, have we? I'm not sure I accept the premise of your argument, Mr Harper.
So that's a no? Actually, Hubert's invented an ingenious way of watching premium channels without entering a pin number.
Oh, Michael, you do make me blush.
Premium channels? No wonder you both wear glasses.
No, it means you can watch Arts World absolutely free of charge.
- And it's Schoenberg Weekend.
- It's? Shift up, I'll get the beers.
(Converse in Latin) - It's Latin, Dad.
- Really? Sounds more like geek to me.
How do you get the sports channel with this thing anyway? Simple.
You pay Hubert L10 a month.
- I'm so excited.
- Mm.
I just can't wait.
I really can't wait.
Ooh! How am I going to last through the weekend? Eat sensibly and take plenty of exercise.
Don't you want to know why I can't wait? For God's sake, Mum, ask her why she can't wait.
- Why can't you wait, Abi? - I've, er got a date on Friday.
- Who with? - With Janey.
You and Janey?! That managed to break about 15 taboos and still be a turn-off.
No, it's a double date.
Janey's asked this guy she fancies and she has asked me to come along too.
Course, I'm very flattered.
Don't be, dear.
Knowing Janey, she's probably got an ulterior motive.
- Like wanting you to baby-sit Kenzo.
- No, Susan, you've got it all wrong.
- Abi, I am Janey's mother.
- And you're baby-sitting on Friday.
Morning, Ben.
I just can't wait! - Neither can I, England game tonight.
- Good morning, Ben.
Yes it is, because there's an England game tonight.
Biggy.
Even Mikey will want to watch this one.
I doubt it, his friend's coming around to do maths.
I don't get it.
Why does Michael want to hang around with swotty four-eyed Hubert? Because he's swotty four-eyed Michael.
You managed to say that with such love.
You see I accept Michael for what he is, and so should you.
When I was his age I used to hang around with a fast, cool crowd.
Right.
The ones that made you eat your own balaclava? Yeah, try anything once, me.
Didn't they also flush your conkers down the loo? The lads! The lads! Oh, those were the days.
And trick you into kissing a golden retriever.
It wasn't a trick, and I enjoyed it.
If you say so.
Anyway, luckily I've got an unrewarding, soul-destroying job to escape to.
- Why didn't you kiss me on the lips? - Wrong breed.
- So do you see it now, Jack? - Yeah, I guess.
So use this method and apply it to all the equations for the rest of the exercise.
- Or maybe you could do it for me.
- Or maybe I could do it for you.
No problem.
OK! Match Of The Day on, swots on the sofa, off.
- Dad, do you mind? - Hey, Mr Harper.
When's kickoff? - Who's this? - It's Jack.
- Jack, why aren't you Hubert? - Because I'd rather have a life, Mr Harper.
(Laughs) Hey, nice to meet you.
The name's Ben.
Whoa, hey.
- Jack.
- Yo, cool.
Sit down, Jack.
- I'll just do exercise five then, shall I? - Sure.
Ben, look who the ref is! It's the Belgian twazzock! You'd think for a game like this they'd give us Collina.
Yeah! I'll just polish this off upstairs and then I'll bring it down to show you.
Cool.
Oh, Michael? Wait till half-time.
- Beer, Jack? - Cheers.
What's the Scandinavian thinking about? You can't play him in that position.
- Madness.
- Madness! Oh, hello.
Jack this is Susan, Susan this isn't Hubert.
- Hi? - Hi, Mrs Harper.
Nice to meet you, and it's Susan.
Mm, Susan? Actually, it's Mrs Harper.
I like Jack.
He's sharp, funny.
And he likes football.
I told Michael, "Jack's got my full approval.
" I see.
So he'll be back with Hubert tomorrow.
I don't think so.
This is a chance for Michael to get in with the cool crowd.
OK, so what's Jack getting from Michael? - Maths tuition.
- I see.
Don't be so cynical, Susan, at last Michael's got a normal mate who doesn't laugh at the jokes in Shakespeare - or set the periodic tables to verse.
- Ah, bad influence.
You're a hard woman to please.
How would you know? You've never tried.
I resent that, I think.
That grandchild is a deadly killing machine! He's just a baby.
Which maniac parked his car seat at the foot of the stairs? I could have been killed.
- Were you? - No, not quite.
- Then stop fussing, Janey's here.
- Oh, that maniac.
- She's with Abi, giving her fashion advice.
- Great, the blonde leading the bonkers.
I wonder what she's up to, taking Abi out on Friday.
She can't stand Abi.
Janey can't stand anyone.
That's part of her charm.
- Hello, Michael.
- Hey.
- How was your day? - Cool.
Jack and I hacked into Mr Morris's website, changed a few grades.
Then we put a laxative in the staff water cooler.
Then I hung out with Jack and the guys and mocked all the freaks and losers.
I'm so proud of you, son.
- Well, I'm not so sure.
- Mum, it was great.
I look forward to break time now that I'm in with Jack.
Oh, yeah, good old Jack.
I like Jack.
You should invite him over again sometime.
- Ben? - He's outside now parking his Jeep.
- His his Jeep? - Four by four.
Oh, that's the kind of maths I like.
So, now we've hidden all the saggy unsightly bits - Oh, thanks, Janey.
- That will minimise your hair.
Minimise? Abi's got lovely hair.
Mum, who's building her up, you or me? How's she supposed to go to the loo? - Yeah.
- I don't know.
- Abi, go and practise.
- Good plan, Trinny! - Thought you might like this, Mrs Harper.
- Thank you, that's very thoughtful.
- All right, Janey, what's going on? - Yes, what is going on? Why are you chumming up to Abi? Going out together? - Oh that? Well, I'm on the pull.
- Why does that involve her? You know, in every pair there's always one pretty girl and one gawky one.
Maxine's having her stomach stapled, so I need a stand-in.
And you picked on your poor cousin? You're ruthless.
- At least I haven't got a toy boy.
- Neither have I.
What? You mean Jack? Don't be ridiculous.
I'm not interested in Michael's friends.
The way he looked at you? I know that hungry lustful stare.
I've seen it often enough.
Stop it, Janey, just stop it.
I'm too young to be an older woman.
This is useless.
I'll catch frostbite every time I go for a pee.
I don't want to hear another word about this.
You've got it completely wrong.
You off, Susan? Where's your toy boy? - Yeah, but I think they peaked in '72.
- No, no, '73 was their best year.
How can you say that? Mama We're All Crazee Now was Slade's finest work.
- # Cum on feel the noiz # - Uh, yeah.
Yeah? Listen, have you seen Slade perform live five times? Live! That must have been so cool.
That's me, isn't it? Cool, straight from the fridge.
Yeah, listen I saw Slade before they were signed.
Yeah, I saw Slade when they could spell.
You're dating yourself, Ben.
Of course, you dated yourself a lot when Slade were around.
- Where is Michael? - Who? Michael? Your friend, your son.
Right, he's upstairs, Mrs Harper, doing his maths home work, and mine.
Yeah, he'd be doing mine if I had any.
Jack, do you have a girlfriend? Susan, do you mind? Jack's a guest, he's not family.
- It's OK, Ben.
- See, he doesn't mind.
So, do you have a girlfriend? No, I don't, Mrs Harper.
Not at the moment.
See? Happy now, or shall I get the thumb screws? That's a pity, Jack.
A boy your age needs a girl his own age so they can act their age.
Do you mind? We were in the middle of a discussion.
And I just wanted to know a bit about our son's new friend.
Do carry on.
- Thank you.
Fancy another beer? - Great.
Give me a hand, mate.
Do you know, I think the world has always underestimated Noddy Holder.
- He is a genius.
- Who else could have written My Friend Stan? Good question.
I have had girlfriends, Mrs Harper, but just girlfriends, not women.
Jack, you fancy playing some oldies later? He's hanging around the house too much.
Now that he's mates with Jack, he might get out more.
It's Jack I am talking about.
He's here all the time.
- What's the problem? - Just give me a second.
He he's disrupting Michael's work.
No, he's not.
Michael's been doing maths all evening, thanks to Jack.
- Hmph! - What's that supposed to mean? If I wanted to be more explicit I'd have said more than "hmph".
- He's a great bloke, he's good for Michael.
- For Michael, right.
- Well, not just Michael.
- Ah, now we're getting somewhere.
- Well, there's you and Jack.
- What do you mean? You're treating him like a son, interrogating him about girlfriends, he's practically a Harper, only likeable.
(Phone) Yeah? Yeah, hi, Jack! How are you doing? Do you want Mikey? No, OK.
Yeah, yeah, we were just talking about you.
Yeah, me and Susan.
Yeah, in bed.
A sort of red silky night thing with buttons.
- Ben, it's late.
- It's Jack! Yeah, that was Susan.
Yeah.
Yeah, I suppose it is a husky voice.
(Laughs) Yeah! Yeah, you're very observant.
Yeah, yeah.
Brazilian.
We are talking about United's new defender.
Yeah, he's good.
- How do I put Jack off? - Tell Michael what he's up to.
You'll totally gross him out.
Oh, thanks! No, I can't involve Michael.
He'd be crushed if he thought Jack was just coming around to see me.
I need to make him lose interest.
That is going to be tricky.
The trouble is, you're probably like me.
A guy magnet, I can't help it.
I just give out these flirtatious signals.
- Well, I don't.
- You may think you don't.
Oh, you may think you're a boring suburban baggage.
No, that's what you think.
Whatever, but these sex rays just exude from us.
Uncontrollably.
I mean, look at those guys.
It's inexplicable.
You're giving them no encouragement.
I know.
I know.
Janey, you're being no help at all! Sit up straight and remember you've got a little boy at home.
Just like you, Mum.
Anyway, what would I know about it? I'm only a dentist.
Only? Don't do yourself down, Ben.
You're a sculptor in enamel.
Yeah.
That's right, I never thought of it like that before.
You are right.
Say hi to Mrs Harper, I'm sorry I missed her.
- Oh, hello.
- Hello.
I'm just off now.
What a shame, goodbye.
See you tomorrow.
Don't forget those records.
I'll make sure Mike emails you those essays as soon as he's are finished.
Yeah, I like Jack.
He's a good boy.
He's even fascinated by dentistry.
- Really? - We have so much in common.
- Yes, like your taste in women.
- He likes tall blondes too? No, neither do you.
No.
Neither do I, yes That's right, I fancy you.
So does Jack.
Jack? Who? My Jack? It's our Jack now.
Glad to see you're enjoying yourself.
Have you finished? No, not quite, no.
- Oh, it's hilarious.
- It is not! You're like one of those batty old women who imagine Tom Hanks is stalking them.
I never realized you were getting to that stage.
I'm not at a stage! Yesterday Jack grabbed my hand and tonight he tried to snog me.
- Tomorrow, who knows? - Only your fertile imagination.
OK, OK, OK.
Even if Jack did fancy you, so what? So what? Aren't you even jealous? Of course I'm not jealous, as long as he's got time for me.
And Michael.
So it doesn't matter to you that he's tried to get off with your wife? Susan, it's normal.
It's a phase teenagers go through, having a crush on a much, much older woman.
- Of course I'd fancy you if I was him.
- That's sweet.
At seventeen you fancy anything.
I suppose you can't help being flattered by the attentions of a young stud but believe me, come on, at that age? A tick-infested sheep in a rain storm can begin to look attractive.
Ben, before I kill you, we've got to stop him coming around.
What?! I've got a better idea, why don't you stop leading him on? I'm not leading him on.
Well, not on purpose.
I can't help it if I exude sex rays.
Sex rays? I thought they were hot flushes? Look, you do something, or I'll have to tell Michael.
No you will not.
Michael's got a cool mate at last.
Up to now he has been a social misfit.
And I thought you always wanted a son just like you.
- Better go and get ready for tonight then.
- No, no, no, you've hours yet.
But it's a double date, takes twice as long to prepare.
Plus I've got to pick up Janey's dry cleaning.
Abi, Michael could be back any minute, what am I going to do? You'll to have to tell him.
But he'd be heartbroken, he thinks Jack's his friend.
Well, all I can say is, if a friend was just using me, I'd want to know.
- Hey, Mum.
- Hello.
On your own? Yeah, Jack will be along later.
Jack, right.
Sit down, will you? - Going to.
- In here, with me.
- What have I done now? - You haven't done anything, sweetheart.
It's Jack.
I think he's I think he's got a thing for me.
Oh, is that all? You know? - Of course, I'm not stupid.
- Don't you mind? - Why should I? - Because he is using you to get to me.
Hey, who cares? I'm in with the cool guys.
No one's gobbed in my hair for a week.
- Don't you find it traumatic? - Having gob-free hair? No, to think of me and one of your friends like that.
It's no more gross than the thought of you and dad.
I can't believe this.
Smarten up a bit, you might lose Jack.
There are older women than you around.
Michael! Hubert's mum's been going to the gym.
She's looking really buff.
If you know if you were a normal son, you'd be painfully embarrassed now.
You thought of wearing that low-cut blouse with the tassels? Come on, flaunt it a bit, he'll be here soon.
Michael, you're behaving like my pimp! No.
I like to think of myself as your enabler.
You can't find anything in this house! Where are my Noddy Holder stick-on side burns? - How do I look? - Fantastic.
Ben? - Gorgeous? - I look terrible, don't I? You look I'm not falling for that one.
You look like a goddess, you always do.
Ben, I've deliberately tried to make myself look unattractive.
Sorry, I think your sex rays are still peeking through.
Are they? Well, if I'm honest, how can I expect mere boys to resist the full force of my womanhood? Mm.
I'm always amazed you're not mobbed every time you pass a Mr Whippy van.
- Susan, Janey's on her way over with Kenzo.
- Come in, let's have a look at you.
- Ohh! Wow, Susan.
- Wow yourself, Abi.
One more and we'll need a cauldron.
Cum on, feel the noiz Girls grab the boys Wa - wa - wa He's great, your dad, so retro.
Well, I've always thought so.
Are you insane? You're gonna scare him off.
- That's the plan.
- It's all me, me, me with you.
- Hello, Jack.
- Hey, Mrs Harper.
- Waiting for Ben? - Not necessarily.
Sit down here.
- No, I can't, it's my varicose veins.
- Varicose veins? Yes, yes, they're very unsightly.
Can I look at them? - Oh, is that Kenzo crying? - I don't hear anything.
Well, I've just changed the battery in my hearing aid.
- Jack.
- Don't be nervous.
I'm not, I just don't think you should be up here.
Why not? I came up to the toilet, I lost my way.
I see, there's one through there.
No, there.
I heard you.
There's mango and lemon handwash and fresh towels.
Mrs Harper? One step further, sonny, and I'll snap the head off your Action Man.
Mrs Harper, I want you to know that I'm available to you anytime, - and if you won't sleep with me this time - Ha! you can call me anytime and we can make some kind of arrangement.
I don't think so.
I've eaten bigger boys than you for breakfast.
With milk and sugar.
God, you're attractive! - I know, it's a curse.
- Do you understand what I'm saying? - I'm a grandmother.
- That wasn't it.
You're forgetting my husband, it would destroy him.
He really likes you.
He's had you all these years, now it's my turn.
I don't think it works that way, sweetheart.
OK, OK.
I'll go now.
But remember, Mrs Harper any time you want.
How about the twelfth of never? Wow! (Kenzo crying) Michael, you've got to tell him to stop coming here.
You tell him, you keep asking him over.
If I do, I'll be back with the geeks getting wedgies again.
What? What's a wedgie? (Ben groans in pain) I'll do it! I'll do it! I'll do it! You've got to admit you walked into that one, Dad.
Don't you ever do that again.
Or teach it to your mother.
(TV) It must have taken a deflection off the goalkeeper, it's a corner.
- So, Jack? - Hey, Ben.
(Chuckles) Jacky, Jacky, Jacky I think this might be yours.
Thanks.
What do you, er, think of Susan? She's great, she's your wife, Michael's mother.
Michael's mother, Nick's mother and Janey's mother, with all the stretch marks and wrinkles to show for it.
- They must add to her charm.
- Yeah, nearly as charming as her char-grilled cod balls and unidentifiable puddings.
- So your life is always unpredictable.
- No, just dinner.
Everything else is clockwork, bless her.
Yeah, Susan won't ask you to do something once when she could ask you 15 times.
Sounds a bit like my mum.
Does she sometimes use guilt as a weapon making you feel a lazy slob for grabbing a few seconds of happiness in front of the telly? That too.
But I guess with Susan the sex makes up for it? Yeah, yeah, it does.
It really does.
Yeah.
It's worth the wait.
Yeah, Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without it.
What do you want? (Sighs) It's over.
- It is? - Yeah, sorry.
Ben and I have been talking and I feel that it would be wrong to carry on after what he said.
I see.
I suppose he told you not to sully my honour, that I am his and his alone? No.
He said you were a nagging, manipulative harpy.
And frankly, I can get that at home.
(Susan) Oh, he's gone right off me.
- Lucky, isn't it, Ben? - Yeah, ver Very lucky, yeah.
What? It's got nothing to do with me.
- Really? - Why would you think it has? Because Jack told me you'd had a little talk.
Did he? Yeah, well, we we had a little talk.
and, um got rid of him for you, didn't I? - Thank you, Ben.
- It's nothing.
A man's gotta do what a mans gotta do.
You sent him packing.
You must have been very masterful.
Yeah, well.
- Something you acquire with age.
- You slagged me off, didn't you? - You said I was a nagging, manipulative harpie.
- I did not! I implied it - I got rid of him, didn't I? - Only by character assassination.
A tactical character assassination, out of love.
Did he tell you how much I look forward to sex with you? No.
I think he left that bit out of the torrent of abuse.
But I do.
Oh, well.
I suppose I'll have to go back to servicing the needs of old men.
Great.
When can you start? Christmas.
No more football banter, no more Slade records.
It's back to the old badinage with Michael about the FTSE 100.
Hi, everyone.
Abi! At least someone's cheerful.
- Janey nice to you last night? - No, but the bloke she fancied was.
And his mate, very nice.
- Happy now? - Yes, thanks.
Wedgie.
What's a wedgie? (Susan screams)