My Family (2000) s07e05 Episode Script
Susan of Troy
(MELODRAMATIC MUSIC ON TV) No (UPBEAT MUSIC) No Louder Brighter What's going on? Those batteries have gone in the remote - You're running late today - Nope Not at all My first patient isn't till midday so I thought I might start with a little leisurely breakfast Ben, give me the bread knife Why? Now hand me your belt, your shoelaces and any other sharp objects Why? It's for your own safety My mother's coming over Good That's lovely, isn't it? I love her as my own Ben, you don't even love your own as if they were your own She wants to show us her holiday snaps I cannot wait to see them I have both sets of car keys, by the way Well, I won't be needing those for ages, will I? Not going anywhere You know, I think I might start my breakfast with a little frozen yogurt Back door's locked So's the front And all the windows Why must you cage me in like an animal? GRACE: Here's another one You're right, Mother You can't have too many pictures of the exact same beach You know, Brad and I'd go down there in our bathing costumes and have the entire beach to ourselves - Really? Can't think why - And look at this one, Ben For a man in his seventies, Brad doesn't look too bad in Speedos, does he? He's wearing Speedos? Where are they? That's the beach at sunset And that's us getting married on the beach Then we're back to the beginning again Wait a minute Wait a minute Show me that last photo (GRACE CLEARING THROAT) - You got married again? - Darling, we didn't want a fuss And you didn't invite us? And for that, we are eternally grateful It was a very informal ceremony Well, I can see that Did he never take those Speedos off? - Oh, yes - Oh, no Well, if you'll excuse me, I think I am going to not be here You know, sometimes it's hard to tell you things You have a tendency to overreact I do not overreact They said yes I don't believe it We're gonna be on The Weakest Link.
- The Weakest Link? - They accepted us It's a family edition I did tell you about it You hear that, Mother? That's what we do in this family We tell each other things When did you tell me about it? Couple of months ago, when I filled in the forms for everybody I don't remember signing anything I kind of forged all the signatures I do them perfectly - Even your father's? - Since I was ten Can you teach me? Just one problem Janey's been dumped again So we're one short Oh I wouldn't worry about that Your grandmother's run off and married Brad I didn't want to bother you So do you think Brad will do the show? Brad will do anything Haven't you seen the photos? Will you do it, Mum? Why not? Sounds like fun No, I mean, will you break it to Dad? Why not? Sounds like fun Nice man-boobs That's my bridesmaid Oh, come on, Ben It's The Weakest Link.
You've got to do it Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope I would rather swan-dive into a deep fat fryer What is it about being on the show that bothers you? Nothing much Just me being humiliated by a sadistic harpy But darling, that's one of the cornerstones of our marriage - I'm not doing it, okay? - Fine - I understand - Good No man wants to come across as less intelligent than his wife on national television I know what you're doing, Susan, and it won't work I mean, it's embarrassing when a man's wife makes him look like some knuckle-dragging lummox in public Fine, good So you're married to a knuckle-dragging lummox of a husband And guess what? This knuckle-dragging lummox of a husband is going to sleep Good night I take it you'll be doing the show? You just try and stop me and then the two remaining people in the final round go head to head, five questions each, and the person with the most correct answers wins Okay? So, any questions? Are these cheese and pickle? - I think so, yes - But what kind of cheese? Because it smells like a strong, mature cheddar but it has the orange hue of a double Gloucester, which tends to repeat on me Does anyone any questions about the show? Sure? Because it's easy to forget the rules once you're in front of the cameras Especially if you're a bit thick (PANTING) Hello, all Sorry we're late Roger only drove the wrong way down the A40 ALL: No Yes Roger only couldn't decide what shirt to wear - No Really? - Yes Okay So just relax, don't get too nervous and I'll be back in a few minutes to take you through and meet Anne Well, this is it We're actually going to appear on national television and it isn't Crimewatch.
I'm kind of nervous, Mum - Does anyone need the toilet? - ALL: Yeah Great minds And simple ones I better wait I can't go if there's someone in the same What? Postal district? I happen to have a shy bladder No, that's double Gloucester I need a bin No, it's no good I can't wait I have to face my demons Just me and you, eh, Kenzo? You know, if your grandad wins this, I could buy you a present - What would you like? - A computer Well, it's not gonna happen, though, is it? What's wrong with Roger? Any questions like that, Michael, on this show and we're done for Right, let's get this over with If Anne Robinson says one thing about this dress, so help me, I'll fix her so she won't have to phone a friend, she'll have to phone a doctor Wrong show, Mum That's Deal or No Deal.
So what's the one with Ant and Dec? We're dead in the water What is it, Roger? I just saw Anne Robinson It's a good job I'd just been, else I'd have gone Okay So, everyone ready? Yeah, I'll just be a couple of seconds, okay? Welcome to The Weakest Link! Any of the nine family members in the studio today could win up to £10,000 However, if they want that prize money, they'll have to work as a team But eight of them will leave with nothing as round by round we lose the player voted the weakest link Let's meet the team I'm Ben Harper I'm 49 (SUSAN CHUCKLES) I'm a dentist, I'm from Chiswick Hello I'm Susan Harper I'm 46 (BEN SCOFFS) And I also live in Chiswick And I work in an art gallery I'm Michael Harper I'm 18 I live in Chiswick and I'm not too old to be adopted I'm Alfie Butts I'm 26 - I pay rent for a box room in - BEN: Oh, please I'm I'm unempl I'm a musician I'm Janey Harper I'm 25 I live in West London I'm single I like Colin Farrell films and romantic walks in the country A nice car and a holiday home are essential MAN: Cut! What? Is that your mummy? No In round one, there are three minutes on the clock We'll start with the person whose name is first alphabetically That's you, Abi - Blimey - Let's play The Weakest Link.
First question is for £20 Start the clock - Abi - Bank In the home, a TV set that is not designed to show a colour picture is described as being black and what? - Decker - No, white Roger, a contest in which two teams pull at opposite ends of a rope until one drags the other is called a tug of what? That's a first Correct Ben, in sport, which famous international cricket ground is owned by the MCC? - Lord's - Correct Oh, you say it out loud Susan, in cookery Bank Bank the main ingredient in a risotto is pasta or rice? - Rice - Correct Michael, what is 84 minus 26? - 58 - Correct Alfie, since his death in 1924, the preserved body of which Soviet leader has been kept in a mausoleum in Red Square in Moscow? - Interestingly enough, my uncle - The correct answer is Lenin - ANNE: Janey - Be quick, Janey She's got no patience I can't believe I was the first to get voted off I knew some of the other questions Well, definitely one of them Anyway, I want Roger to win He's smarter than the rest of them put together Voting over It's time to reveal who you think is the weakest link Roger Roger Roger Roger Roger Roger Roger Brad? (DOOR OPENING) Don't worry, Rog I'm sure they can edit that bit out I can't believe I started crying on national television So, Susan Put your board down Step to your right I presume you've got blinds at home since you appear to be wearing your lounge curtains - Listen, you - (WHISPERING) Susan! Why Janey? (SUSAN CLEARING THROAT) Never mind Ben, why did you vote for your own daughter? Well, she's got to learn that the first man on the moon was not Louis Armstrong And Michael, you volunteered your family for the show Why? Because I'd recorded every episode of The Weakest Link.
Then I transcribed all the questions, sub-dividing them into topics Then I plotted them on a graph against my whole family's areas of interest, and from that I calculated that the only person who has a greater than 38% chance of beating me is Alfie You don't have a girlfriend, do you, Michael? No And you, Alfie A girlfriend? Oh, that's very kind of you to offer, Mrs Robinson Whilst I find you very attractive, I suspect that I have yet to reach the appropriate level of maturity to fully do justice to your needs as a woman Oh, I don't know, Alfie Clean yourself up a bit and keep your mouth shut, and who knows? ANNE: Grace, in psychology, a series of pleasant thoughts - that distracts - I can't believe they all voted me off I mean, we're meant to love each other, aren't we? To stick together We're meant to be a close family But even thingy, what's his name, voted me off You mean your brother Michael? That's the one Shh! They're up to £800 ANNE: In literature, which author wrote the political thriller published in 2000 entitled - The Bear and the Dragon - Dragon.
Tom Clancy.
Correct.
Susan, in legal jargon, who may be said to be called to the bar? Besides my mother? A barrister.
- Charming.
- ANNE: Correct.
Michael, in art, the Prado Gallery is in which European capital city? I know this one It's Croydon That's not a capital city, Abi It's Morocco - Is it Turkey? - Madrid - Madrid.
- Correct.
Time's up And in that round, you banked £900 So, has Alfie finally discovered my needs as a woman? Is the dentist less daft than he looks? Or does our art dealer deserve hanging in a public place? It's time to vote off the weakest link ANNOUNCER: In that round, the strongest link was Ben, with Susan a few links back.
Alfie may be way ahead in the charm stakes with Anne but will one of the oldies be falling at this fence? Voting over It's time to reveal who you think is the weakest link Grace Brad Grace Grace Susan Ben So, Ben, why have you voted for Grace? Grace, well, if the old lush doesn't sit down soon, she's gonna fall down ANNE: So, Susan, why Brad? Because it doesn't matter if I vote off one of my mother's husbands There'll be another one along in a minute - You're a fine one to talk - Something to say, Grace? No, no, no My daughter's led a perfect life I think I sense tension I'm only saying she's made some bad decisions and I don't just mean Ben Las Vegas, 1973 - Las Vegas, Susan? - What? I have no idea what - Can we move on? - No, no! What did happen in Vegas? I don't remember Grace, can you help us out here? - She had a quickie marriage - What? Mother, you are the weakest link Goodbye No, no! We've mined gold Grace, who was the first husband? - What's the name of the mystery spouse? - Mother! You were the one who wanted us to be a family who told each other things His name was Troy the Punisher He was a dentist as well? He was a wrestler I thought Ben knew I mean, I would never have dreamt of saying anything if I thought he didn't Mind you, I'm always a bit of a loose cannon after six or seven vodka and Red Bulls You married a wrestler called Troy? Round five You have £1,700, ten seconds coming off your time, we'll start with the strongest link from the last round, that's Ben Let's play The Weakest Link.
Start the clock Ben, in cinema, who directed the films Jurassic Park, Schindler's List - and Saving Private Ryan? - A wrestler called Troy? ANNE: No, Steven Spielberg Susan, in the opening line of the Shakespeare play Twelfth Night, which words follow "If music be the food of love"? I was drunk, in Las Vegas ANNE: No, "play on" Michael, in history, in 1938, Neville Chamberlain returned from meeting Hitler and got off a plane waving a piece of paper What did he declare? - My mum married a wrestler? - No "Peace in our time" Alfie - Nice bombshell, Gran - I thought you all knew Yeah, well, you know, good thing it didn't come out on national television Oh, hang on, it did Voting over, it's time to reveal who you think is the weakest link Susan Ben Susan Mrs Harper - So, Ben, why did you vote for Susan? - Why? Well, because she missed the question on the periodic table and she married another man - Susan, why Ben? - Because he missed two of the questions No, no! Why did you marry him? And what happened to Troy the wrestler? I don't think that's any of your business I think it's mine, so what happened? Michael, after all she's been through, why are you getting rid of your mother? Thought I'd give her a head start - And Alfie - Yes, Mrs Robinson? - Charming Alfie - Oh, thank you Why did you vote for Susan? Because she failed to bank at the appropriate moment Nothing to do with her seedy past? I'm not one to judge, although some might consider it a tad slutty Slutty Susan, you are the weakest link Goodbye Bye I'm sorry I'll be right back, okay? I won't Two minutes I, uh I, uh This was all a big mistake It was nothing - It was a long time ago - BEN: Susan! - I've got to go - Susan! (CRASHING) Susan Susan! Susan! Susan! Susan! Where is she? Where is she? Okay Mother-in-law or no mother-in-law, you're going to tell me what happened or you and I are gonna be bouncing off the ropes Now, just hold it right there, sonny boy The only way you'll get at her is through me Brad, I've seen you in Speedos So sit down So, are you gonna tell me the truth? Mr Harper, you can't just walk off the show halfway through Listen, my marriage is a lot more important than your stupid little show If you don't go back on, you'll be sued for the full cost of the recording Ben, in history, what "K" is the name of a river in Canada that was the sight of the late - Talacre Bay, Rhyl - No It's Klondike Time's up And you've managed to bank £400 But which village is missing its idiot? Who thinks Freud is the way that Brummies like their eggs? One of you is about to leave with nothing It's time to vote off the weakest link Vote me off Vote me off or I'll kill you I said I'm sorry! Look, you don't have to buy us a wedding present, okay? - Now we're even - Even? How would you like it if I told Brad all your sordid secrets? That horse bolted a long time ago What's wrong with Grandma? Sweetheart, it's hard to explain - Grandma married a wrestler - Cool So, gorgeous Alfie, why Ben? Because he hasn't really been making much of an effort and his mind seems to be elsewhere Nerdy Michael, why Ben? Because he threatened to kill me if I didn't vote him off Ben, you are the weakest link Goodbye Gotta go Hello Remember me? I'm Ben Harper One of your husbands - I can explain - No need, it's fine You know, Susan, I know I've only made a few minor achievements over the years I've helped raise three children, I've worked day in, day out at the surgery to put food on the table, but you know, my one big regret in life is that I've never managed to do any of these things whilst wearing tights and a big belt - Troy never wore a big belt - Really? You have fond memories of him? No, it's just someone I had a few too many drinks with in Las Vegas Look, I was young, I was backpacking in the States, it was just another era Oh, of course, yes, we were all wearing flowers in our hair, listening to the Beach Boys and marrying wrestlers It's just one of those things you forget about You forget about it? Look, we were drunk We got married as a joke in a chapel that also served fried chicken We were married in Ruislip registry office so what does that make us? Hmm? Huh? What does that make us? Look I don't know a lot about love, - but what I do know - Roger, I would not take advice from you about where to put a table - I'd just like to say one thing - What? Wasn't it great being on telly? See? We'll go and sit down Look, if I never told you about it, I'm sorry - It was never a proper marriage - What? You and him or me and you? - You sure I never told you about this? - I think I would have remembered it And anyway, whatever we've done in our past makes us what we are today And we should be thankful for that What rubbish Come on, you married a wrestler! We should go after them It looked pretty serious Roger's right This is really a time when we should - all pull together as a family - Yes, we should I can't help but feel I'm partially responsible We should all rally round and give them all the love and support that they need Right Let's go Hang on The two lads are going head to head for nearly 3,000 quid Well, let's give them their space ANNE: Michael, in biology, which word denotes both a type of blood vessel in the human body and a thin bundle of vascular tissue in the leaf of a plant? - Artery, ma'am.
- No.
A vein.
Alfie, if you answer this question correctly, you have won So, Alfie, although his parents were Norwegian, the children's author Roald Dahl was born in which country of the UK? Oh, sorry, I was miles away Can you repeat the question, please? Although his parents were Norwegian, the children's author Roald Dahl was born in which country of the UK? Wales? We got it annulled the next day I can't believe you'd just forget about it When we first met, I wanted to tell you about it But you were so wonderful, I suppose I I didn't want anything to spoil it Go on I'd never met anyone like you before I mean, you were so exciting, handsome, charming, intelligent And? witty, - handsome - You've done a handsome before - good-looking? - Well, that's like handsome It's not as strong, is it? I'm not a bloody thesaurus, Ben (WHOOPING) Jammy git So I wonder who won? Just let me apologise (SCOFFS) Yeah, yeah, yeah Hang on While we're laying things on the table, as you say, what about you? What? What about me? Is there anything in your past that you want to tell me about? No No It isn't about me, is it? You can't leave it alone, can you, Ben? Come on I'll tell you what, it's a good job I wasn't around when Troy the Punisher was on the scene - I would've made mincemeat of him - I don't know, Ben Come on What? Wrestling? It's all fake, isn't it? All the wrestlers, they're like actors and all the moves are worked out beforehand Fake! Fake! Yeah, Vegas is fake Your marriage to Troy, fake! Fake, fake, fake! (BEN GROANING) Submit! Submit! Submit! Yeah, okay
- The Weakest Link? - They accepted us It's a family edition I did tell you about it You hear that, Mother? That's what we do in this family We tell each other things When did you tell me about it? Couple of months ago, when I filled in the forms for everybody I don't remember signing anything I kind of forged all the signatures I do them perfectly - Even your father's? - Since I was ten Can you teach me? Just one problem Janey's been dumped again So we're one short Oh I wouldn't worry about that Your grandmother's run off and married Brad I didn't want to bother you So do you think Brad will do the show? Brad will do anything Haven't you seen the photos? Will you do it, Mum? Why not? Sounds like fun No, I mean, will you break it to Dad? Why not? Sounds like fun Nice man-boobs That's my bridesmaid Oh, come on, Ben It's The Weakest Link.
You've got to do it Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope I would rather swan-dive into a deep fat fryer What is it about being on the show that bothers you? Nothing much Just me being humiliated by a sadistic harpy But darling, that's one of the cornerstones of our marriage - I'm not doing it, okay? - Fine - I understand - Good No man wants to come across as less intelligent than his wife on national television I know what you're doing, Susan, and it won't work I mean, it's embarrassing when a man's wife makes him look like some knuckle-dragging lummox in public Fine, good So you're married to a knuckle-dragging lummox of a husband And guess what? This knuckle-dragging lummox of a husband is going to sleep Good night I take it you'll be doing the show? You just try and stop me and then the two remaining people in the final round go head to head, five questions each, and the person with the most correct answers wins Okay? So, any questions? Are these cheese and pickle? - I think so, yes - But what kind of cheese? Because it smells like a strong, mature cheddar but it has the orange hue of a double Gloucester, which tends to repeat on me Does anyone any questions about the show? Sure? Because it's easy to forget the rules once you're in front of the cameras Especially if you're a bit thick (PANTING) Hello, all Sorry we're late Roger only drove the wrong way down the A40 ALL: No Yes Roger only couldn't decide what shirt to wear - No Really? - Yes Okay So just relax, don't get too nervous and I'll be back in a few minutes to take you through and meet Anne Well, this is it We're actually going to appear on national television and it isn't Crimewatch.
I'm kind of nervous, Mum - Does anyone need the toilet? - ALL: Yeah Great minds And simple ones I better wait I can't go if there's someone in the same What? Postal district? I happen to have a shy bladder No, that's double Gloucester I need a bin No, it's no good I can't wait I have to face my demons Just me and you, eh, Kenzo? You know, if your grandad wins this, I could buy you a present - What would you like? - A computer Well, it's not gonna happen, though, is it? What's wrong with Roger? Any questions like that, Michael, on this show and we're done for Right, let's get this over with If Anne Robinson says one thing about this dress, so help me, I'll fix her so she won't have to phone a friend, she'll have to phone a doctor Wrong show, Mum That's Deal or No Deal.
So what's the one with Ant and Dec? We're dead in the water What is it, Roger? I just saw Anne Robinson It's a good job I'd just been, else I'd have gone Okay So, everyone ready? Yeah, I'll just be a couple of seconds, okay? Welcome to The Weakest Link! Any of the nine family members in the studio today could win up to £10,000 However, if they want that prize money, they'll have to work as a team But eight of them will leave with nothing as round by round we lose the player voted the weakest link Let's meet the team I'm Ben Harper I'm 49 (SUSAN CHUCKLES) I'm a dentist, I'm from Chiswick Hello I'm Susan Harper I'm 46 (BEN SCOFFS) And I also live in Chiswick And I work in an art gallery I'm Michael Harper I'm 18 I live in Chiswick and I'm not too old to be adopted I'm Alfie Butts I'm 26 - I pay rent for a box room in - BEN: Oh, please I'm I'm unempl I'm a musician I'm Janey Harper I'm 25 I live in West London I'm single I like Colin Farrell films and romantic walks in the country A nice car and a holiday home are essential MAN: Cut! What? Is that your mummy? No In round one, there are three minutes on the clock We'll start with the person whose name is first alphabetically That's you, Abi - Blimey - Let's play The Weakest Link.
First question is for £20 Start the clock - Abi - Bank In the home, a TV set that is not designed to show a colour picture is described as being black and what? - Decker - No, white Roger, a contest in which two teams pull at opposite ends of a rope until one drags the other is called a tug of what? That's a first Correct Ben, in sport, which famous international cricket ground is owned by the MCC? - Lord's - Correct Oh, you say it out loud Susan, in cookery Bank Bank the main ingredient in a risotto is pasta or rice? - Rice - Correct Michael, what is 84 minus 26? - 58 - Correct Alfie, since his death in 1924, the preserved body of which Soviet leader has been kept in a mausoleum in Red Square in Moscow? - Interestingly enough, my uncle - The correct answer is Lenin - ANNE: Janey - Be quick, Janey She's got no patience I can't believe I was the first to get voted off I knew some of the other questions Well, definitely one of them Anyway, I want Roger to win He's smarter than the rest of them put together Voting over It's time to reveal who you think is the weakest link Roger Roger Roger Roger Roger Roger Roger Brad? (DOOR OPENING) Don't worry, Rog I'm sure they can edit that bit out I can't believe I started crying on national television So, Susan Put your board down Step to your right I presume you've got blinds at home since you appear to be wearing your lounge curtains - Listen, you - (WHISPERING) Susan! Why Janey? (SUSAN CLEARING THROAT) Never mind Ben, why did you vote for your own daughter? Well, she's got to learn that the first man on the moon was not Louis Armstrong And Michael, you volunteered your family for the show Why? Because I'd recorded every episode of The Weakest Link.
Then I transcribed all the questions, sub-dividing them into topics Then I plotted them on a graph against my whole family's areas of interest, and from that I calculated that the only person who has a greater than 38% chance of beating me is Alfie You don't have a girlfriend, do you, Michael? No And you, Alfie A girlfriend? Oh, that's very kind of you to offer, Mrs Robinson Whilst I find you very attractive, I suspect that I have yet to reach the appropriate level of maturity to fully do justice to your needs as a woman Oh, I don't know, Alfie Clean yourself up a bit and keep your mouth shut, and who knows? ANNE: Grace, in psychology, a series of pleasant thoughts - that distracts - I can't believe they all voted me off I mean, we're meant to love each other, aren't we? To stick together We're meant to be a close family But even thingy, what's his name, voted me off You mean your brother Michael? That's the one Shh! They're up to £800 ANNE: In literature, which author wrote the political thriller published in 2000 entitled - The Bear and the Dragon - Dragon.
Tom Clancy.
Correct.
Susan, in legal jargon, who may be said to be called to the bar? Besides my mother? A barrister.
- Charming.
- ANNE: Correct.
Michael, in art, the Prado Gallery is in which European capital city? I know this one It's Croydon That's not a capital city, Abi It's Morocco - Is it Turkey? - Madrid - Madrid.
- Correct.
Time's up And in that round, you banked £900 So, has Alfie finally discovered my needs as a woman? Is the dentist less daft than he looks? Or does our art dealer deserve hanging in a public place? It's time to vote off the weakest link ANNOUNCER: In that round, the strongest link was Ben, with Susan a few links back.
Alfie may be way ahead in the charm stakes with Anne but will one of the oldies be falling at this fence? Voting over It's time to reveal who you think is the weakest link Grace Brad Grace Grace Susan Ben So, Ben, why have you voted for Grace? Grace, well, if the old lush doesn't sit down soon, she's gonna fall down ANNE: So, Susan, why Brad? Because it doesn't matter if I vote off one of my mother's husbands There'll be another one along in a minute - You're a fine one to talk - Something to say, Grace? No, no, no My daughter's led a perfect life I think I sense tension I'm only saying she's made some bad decisions and I don't just mean Ben Las Vegas, 1973 - Las Vegas, Susan? - What? I have no idea what - Can we move on? - No, no! What did happen in Vegas? I don't remember Grace, can you help us out here? - She had a quickie marriage - What? Mother, you are the weakest link Goodbye No, no! We've mined gold Grace, who was the first husband? - What's the name of the mystery spouse? - Mother! You were the one who wanted us to be a family who told each other things His name was Troy the Punisher He was a dentist as well? He was a wrestler I thought Ben knew I mean, I would never have dreamt of saying anything if I thought he didn't Mind you, I'm always a bit of a loose cannon after six or seven vodka and Red Bulls You married a wrestler called Troy? Round five You have £1,700, ten seconds coming off your time, we'll start with the strongest link from the last round, that's Ben Let's play The Weakest Link.
Start the clock Ben, in cinema, who directed the films Jurassic Park, Schindler's List - and Saving Private Ryan? - A wrestler called Troy? ANNE: No, Steven Spielberg Susan, in the opening line of the Shakespeare play Twelfth Night, which words follow "If music be the food of love"? I was drunk, in Las Vegas ANNE: No, "play on" Michael, in history, in 1938, Neville Chamberlain returned from meeting Hitler and got off a plane waving a piece of paper What did he declare? - My mum married a wrestler? - No "Peace in our time" Alfie - Nice bombshell, Gran - I thought you all knew Yeah, well, you know, good thing it didn't come out on national television Oh, hang on, it did Voting over, it's time to reveal who you think is the weakest link Susan Ben Susan Mrs Harper - So, Ben, why did you vote for Susan? - Why? Well, because she missed the question on the periodic table and she married another man - Susan, why Ben? - Because he missed two of the questions No, no! Why did you marry him? And what happened to Troy the wrestler? I don't think that's any of your business I think it's mine, so what happened? Michael, after all she's been through, why are you getting rid of your mother? Thought I'd give her a head start - And Alfie - Yes, Mrs Robinson? - Charming Alfie - Oh, thank you Why did you vote for Susan? Because she failed to bank at the appropriate moment Nothing to do with her seedy past? I'm not one to judge, although some might consider it a tad slutty Slutty Susan, you are the weakest link Goodbye Bye I'm sorry I'll be right back, okay? I won't Two minutes I, uh I, uh This was all a big mistake It was nothing - It was a long time ago - BEN: Susan! - I've got to go - Susan! (CRASHING) Susan Susan! Susan! Susan! Susan! Where is she? Where is she? Okay Mother-in-law or no mother-in-law, you're going to tell me what happened or you and I are gonna be bouncing off the ropes Now, just hold it right there, sonny boy The only way you'll get at her is through me Brad, I've seen you in Speedos So sit down So, are you gonna tell me the truth? Mr Harper, you can't just walk off the show halfway through Listen, my marriage is a lot more important than your stupid little show If you don't go back on, you'll be sued for the full cost of the recording Ben, in history, what "K" is the name of a river in Canada that was the sight of the late - Talacre Bay, Rhyl - No It's Klondike Time's up And you've managed to bank £400 But which village is missing its idiot? Who thinks Freud is the way that Brummies like their eggs? One of you is about to leave with nothing It's time to vote off the weakest link Vote me off Vote me off or I'll kill you I said I'm sorry! Look, you don't have to buy us a wedding present, okay? - Now we're even - Even? How would you like it if I told Brad all your sordid secrets? That horse bolted a long time ago What's wrong with Grandma? Sweetheart, it's hard to explain - Grandma married a wrestler - Cool So, gorgeous Alfie, why Ben? Because he hasn't really been making much of an effort and his mind seems to be elsewhere Nerdy Michael, why Ben? Because he threatened to kill me if I didn't vote him off Ben, you are the weakest link Goodbye Gotta go Hello Remember me? I'm Ben Harper One of your husbands - I can explain - No need, it's fine You know, Susan, I know I've only made a few minor achievements over the years I've helped raise three children, I've worked day in, day out at the surgery to put food on the table, but you know, my one big regret in life is that I've never managed to do any of these things whilst wearing tights and a big belt - Troy never wore a big belt - Really? You have fond memories of him? No, it's just someone I had a few too many drinks with in Las Vegas Look, I was young, I was backpacking in the States, it was just another era Oh, of course, yes, we were all wearing flowers in our hair, listening to the Beach Boys and marrying wrestlers It's just one of those things you forget about You forget about it? Look, we were drunk We got married as a joke in a chapel that also served fried chicken We were married in Ruislip registry office so what does that make us? Hmm? Huh? What does that make us? Look I don't know a lot about love, - but what I do know - Roger, I would not take advice from you about where to put a table - I'd just like to say one thing - What? Wasn't it great being on telly? See? We'll go and sit down Look, if I never told you about it, I'm sorry - It was never a proper marriage - What? You and him or me and you? - You sure I never told you about this? - I think I would have remembered it And anyway, whatever we've done in our past makes us what we are today And we should be thankful for that What rubbish Come on, you married a wrestler! We should go after them It looked pretty serious Roger's right This is really a time when we should - all pull together as a family - Yes, we should I can't help but feel I'm partially responsible We should all rally round and give them all the love and support that they need Right Let's go Hang on The two lads are going head to head for nearly 3,000 quid Well, let's give them their space ANNE: Michael, in biology, which word denotes both a type of blood vessel in the human body and a thin bundle of vascular tissue in the leaf of a plant? - Artery, ma'am.
- No.
A vein.
Alfie, if you answer this question correctly, you have won So, Alfie, although his parents were Norwegian, the children's author Roald Dahl was born in which country of the UK? Oh, sorry, I was miles away Can you repeat the question, please? Although his parents were Norwegian, the children's author Roald Dahl was born in which country of the UK? Wales? We got it annulled the next day I can't believe you'd just forget about it When we first met, I wanted to tell you about it But you were so wonderful, I suppose I I didn't want anything to spoil it Go on I'd never met anyone like you before I mean, you were so exciting, handsome, charming, intelligent And? witty, - handsome - You've done a handsome before - good-looking? - Well, that's like handsome It's not as strong, is it? I'm not a bloody thesaurus, Ben (WHOOPING) Jammy git So I wonder who won? Just let me apologise (SCOFFS) Yeah, yeah, yeah Hang on While we're laying things on the table, as you say, what about you? What? What about me? Is there anything in your past that you want to tell me about? No No It isn't about me, is it? You can't leave it alone, can you, Ben? Come on I'll tell you what, it's a good job I wasn't around when Troy the Punisher was on the scene - I would've made mincemeat of him - I don't know, Ben Come on What? Wrestling? It's all fake, isn't it? All the wrestlers, they're like actors and all the moves are worked out beforehand Fake! Fake! Yeah, Vegas is fake Your marriage to Troy, fake! Fake, fake, fake! (BEN GROANING) Submit! Submit! Submit! Yeah, okay