My Family (2000) s07e06 Episode Script

Did I ever tell you when me and Charlie stole a keg of beer from the college bar? And it exploded in the back seat of the car? - And right here - You still have the scar? Yes No, you never told me Oh, yeah Those were the best years of my life Before I met you, obviously Ben, I know you're excited Charlie's back from the States, but can you make sure you're here to say hello to Nerys? Yep, yep, of course Nerys? Nerys? Who's Nerys? - Roger's mum - Roger's got a mother? I know It was a shock for me, too I thought he was reared by the Teletubbies She's come all the way from Wales just to meet Abi What? Well, you know, the word "anticlimax" springs to mind Look, do I have to be here, darling? I mean, you know, I'll have to be polite and courteous, and it's not really playing to my strengths - All I'm asking for is 20 minutes - All right Wow! You know, I haven't seen Charlie for years I just hope he remembers our secret handshake - You had a secret handshake? - Yeah, and stop looking (BEN LAUGHING) Did I ever tell you when me and Charlie went cow-tipping? Cow-tipping? What's cow-tipping? Cow asleep in field Push cow Cow falls over Cow-tipping - You mean, like fly-tipping? - Yeah, right - What? - And the cow fell on you? - Yep, and right here - You still have the scar Yeah Mikey, did I ever tell you when me and Charlie stole the statue from the university fountain? Yes If you had friends, Michael, you would understand Mum, Dad, I've been offered the deal of a lifetime The answer is no And if I refuse now, whatever it is, it will cut out this pointless preamble Did I ever tell you when me and Charlie were Yeah Anyway, you know my friend Amanda with the shop? Well, she wants to sell me a share in the property while she's off travelling - What kind of shop? - Vintage clothing Stuff from the '60s and '70s Oh, you should look in your father's wardrobe - How much do you need? - It's the big thing - How much? - Did I mention it'll sell itself? - How much? - Ten grand (SNIGGERS) I said we should cut out this pointless preamble Guys, I'm a reliable investment You can trust me with your money I'd sooner trust Nick Leeson with my money Mum? I admire your enthusiasm, Janey, but the answer is no And I totally agree with your mother (MUG SMASHING) I knew you'd react like this, so I've already fixed a meeting with the bank on Wednesday They'll give me the loan I've got a business plan that will knock them sideways Good for you, darling But you might want to take a balaclava and a shotgun Go, baby (DOORBELL RINGING) - Susan? - Yes? - It's me, Charlie - Charlie? Charlie Charlie Charlie? Charlie Briggs Charlie? Yes Susan, I haven't seen you since the wedding - You haven't changed a bit - Ditto You lookamazing I'm sorry if I seem a little shocked Ben hasn't mentioned anything to me Well, that's because I haven't mentioned anything to Ben in the e-mail In fact, that's why I'm here May I come in? Oh, please do - But Ben's at work - I know, I saw him go It's you I want to talk to If Ben's the same chap I knew, this is going to be a bit of a shock to him Trust me, he's the same chap Go on, give us a twirl Fantastic So you do think this is going to throw him? Charlie, he gets thrown when I buy him a new toothbrush Susan, you know him better than anyone I was hoping that you could help me break this to him It'll put him on edge and make him really uncomfortable - I understand - No, I'd be delighted Thanks, Susan - Time for a coffee? - Oh, yes You know, Charlie, I really admire what you've done - You're very brave - This is easy You're married to Ben Now that's real courage Oh, yes, thank you (LAUGHS) Been practising my putting for weeks Can't wait to get on that course tomorrow Charlie's in for a big surprise Yes, well Tell me a little more about Charlie at university We were inseparable Yeah, whatever Charlie was into, I was into - People do change, Ben - No, they don't Look at me - Yes - What? Oh, Charlie won't have changed - How can you be so sure? - I know Charlie Well, you know, he might have a new bird by now, you know, maybe a new sports car, a little distinguished grey around the temples No, no, he'll be the same old Chazza! Ben, I need to tell you something really important Susan, please, please I'm just trying to concentrate, okay? Okay? Big putt Big putt coming up Big putt - Ben - Now, look You see? - Now look what you've made me do - Fine She's late, Susan Mum's late Roger, staring out of the window for three hours won't make her train get in any quicker Can you change windows, please? You're wearing a spot on the carpet - Roger's a bit on edge, isn't he? - We both are I hope Nerys likes my cooking I'm making hash - Of course you are - What if she doesn't like me? Oh, she's bound to, Abi Just be yourself Only, not too much She's here She's here She's coming up the path (DOORBELL RINGING) Relax (PANTING) Mummy! So how's my little shy hobbit? Now it all makes sense Mum, this is Susan Susan, this is my mum, Nerys Bailey Susan, it's a pleasure to meet the woman that's kept my dashing Adonis - on the straight and narrow - Adonis? Oh, Roger It's lovely to finally meet you, Nerys Come and meet Abi So where's the vision of beauty that's captured my son's heart? May I present Abigail Harper? Wotcha Oh, aren't you lovely? Pretty as a picture with porcelain skin Cheers Oh, I hope everybody's hungry I brought down some of my famous braised lamb Oh, thank you, Mum, but we'll have to save it for tomorrow - Abi has made you a welcoming meal - Oh, how lovely And you cook, too - Isn't my Roger the lucky boy? - See, Abi, nothing to worry about Mum, you're incorrigible Right, drinks I could certainly use one Oh, I'll just put the lamb in the fridge I don't understand how it could have got burnt like that Don't worry about it, Abi It could have happened to anyone Not a word, Ben Just as well you brought the lamb, Mum You haven't lost the magic You know, I had no idea food this good could come out of that oven Roger Bailey Jr, what do I say about an empty plate? Let's make these pieces a bit smaller, shall we? And I thought my family was dysfunctional Now, I was going to save this, but I'm so excited Roger, your father worked his entire life and saved every penny So as a wedding present to you both, I am buying you a house - A what, house? - And a dental practice Oh, Mum! We were thinking more on the lines of a sandwich-maker I don't know what to say - Mum - Oh, please Having you two as neighbours is thanks enough - Neighbours? In Wales? - Of course Well, there's a wedding present we can all enjoy Mum, you have to understand, moving's such a big decision It isn't just up to me What do you think, Ben? I'll help you pack (DOORBELL RINGING) That'll be Chazza Just when you thought the night couldn't get any better Lock up your daughters, the boys are back in town Charlie! - Hello - Hello - Ben - Yes Come in, come in Sorry, I was just Who Have we met? Yes, think, Ben Way back It's me, Charlie - Charlie? - Charlie - Charlie - Charlie Well, technically it's Charlotte, but you can stick to Charlie (WHOOPING NERVOUSLY) Wow! That's amazing, actually 'Cause, you know (STAMMERING) I'm just gonna Wow! 'Cause I I mean, you didn't Whoa! You look - I'm - You look It's all right It's all right I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine Have you all met my friend Charlie? Why didn't you say Why didn't - Why didn't you tell me? - I was afraid you might pass out - I'm glad I didn't disappoint you - So now you do know, Ben, - are you all right about all this? - Yeah, yeah, I'm fine Yeah, you know, I'm fine I mean, come on, it's the 21 st century, isn't it? You know, you've gotta You know Yes Fine, I'm fine Why did you do it? I just was unhappy Do you know what it's like to wake up miserable every single day? No, I don't, really But Charlie, if you were that depressed, why didn't you have a glass of Scotch like the rest of us? And that's why Ben's a dentist, not a psychiatrist Anyway, I'm happy now Well, that's the point, isn't it? I mean, you know, that's it That's everything in life, isn't it? I mean, happiness, that's That's what it's all about Good on you, mate Well done - Now, you two have a lot to talk about - Susan, Susan Please, Susan? - Actually, Ben - Yeah I haven't told you my big news This isn't it? I'm getting married - (STAMMERING) Well, that's nice - And I'd like you to give me away Well, it's a bit late now, because most people seem to know My father died last year, and I need someone to walk me down the aisle And I thought, who better than my oldest friend? Well, yeah, it would be an honour - Oh, look, if you're uncomfortable - No, it's just You know Please It's coming a bit fast, so just Look, you know what, forget I said anything - Don't worry about it - Well, I It just seems so weird You know, I mean, you know, me and Charlie used to hang out in the students' union bar, see bands, get drunk together And you can't do that with a woman? Yeah It's just not the same, though, is it? Why not? I can get drunk with the best of them You don't have to tell me Three kids bear testament to that Look, I know you're finding it tricky, but you're just gonna have to get your head around this or risk losing a best friend Who is, in fact, your only friend Part of you is enjoying this Look, all I'm trying to say is if you go through life with your head in the sand, all people will see is an arse Your mum doesn't like me I don't like to say it You know, I don't But But I reckon she deliberately mucked up my meal last night (GASPS) Blasphemy! You You take that back Well, you've gotta admit, it's a bit funny the way she started heating up her lamb before my meal was even burnt - Morning, Abi - Morning - Ready for off? - Where are you going? If you must know, Mum's going to treat me to some new socks And pants Come on, Mum Listen, I've prepared a presentation and I am confident I can get it Mum, I'm independent I can do this on my own Yeah, I just need the cab fare and I'll be on my way Michael, would you fetch my bag from the living room, please? Morning, Dad Wish me luck I'm off to the bank Just so you know, I found one with a very low interest rate Really? Can't be any lower than mine Oh, God Not you, too, Mikey - Well, it does feel good - Yeah (DOORBELL RINGING) Michael, would you mind? - A woman's work is never done - Knock it off, Michael - Well, good luck, darling - I make my own luck Yeah, and I'm gonna need another fiver - Oh, love the suit - Love the skirt I do, too Yeah, I do, too - Good morning, Ben - Hi, darling Charlie, come in So, what are we doing today? Um I don't know Well, you know, you decide I was thinking cappuccinos, a little shopping, a manicure, and a Brazilian wax Super - Kidding! - Kidding She's kidding Hey, good, Charlie Can I just say I just love those earrings? Where did you get them? There's a little boutique on the Portobello Road Actually, they've got a sale on We could go down there this morning, if you like No, no, no, I don't want to spoil your time with Ben No, no, no, no, go ahead Go, go, go - Really? You don't mind? - No - We won't be long - Those earrings won't buy themselves - All right, darling, see you later - Yeah, bye (MUMBLING) Hello, I don't think we've met - I'm Charlie - Hi (KNUCKLES CRACKING) - Alfie - Are you a musician? I'm an acoustic freedom fighter on a crusade to bring Celtic rock to the ears of the masses How's that going? I'm saving up for a new plectrum at the moment Right, let's go - See you again sometime, Alfie - Oh, you will, it's destiny You all right, Alfie? I'm in love, Michael, with the most beguiling creature She isn't electronically tagged like the last one, is she? No, no, it's Charlie I like older women They really know their way around a man's body Well, you picked the right one there, then I'm surprised you could fit it in your mouth (BOTH LAUGHING) My God, how much have you spent? I told you Ben, I'm so sorry We went shopping, had lunch, and completely lost track of time - Susan and I have so much in common - Great Come on, Charlie, there's a bottle of white in the fridge Great Well, I'll I'll just go down the pub Nerys, are you going to join us for a glass of wine? Oh, it's a bit too early in the day for me, thank you Well, I just thought I'd offer I'll just pop to the little girls' room I hope she remembers to put the seat down - Preparing dinner Again? - I like to do my bit, Susan Maybe Abi could muck in She was a bit upset about what happened to her dinner last night Well, the thing is, Roger's always had a taste for my cooking When they move to Wales, Abi'll have to get used to me rustling up a few treats for him The house was a very generous offer, Nerys, but I'm not sure they've made up their minds yet I'll have a word with Roger Make him see sense Nerys, I know how hard it is for us to let go of our kids, to stop mollycoddling them, to let them grow, let them cut up their own food Have you thought, perhaps your lax attitude toward your children has had the opposite effect? No, my children are happy, well-rounded, mature individuals, able to stand on their own two feet Janey! The horrid man at the stupid bank refused my loan Now I've got nothing Oh, dear Yeah, they said something about a farcical credit score My Roger has a spotless financial record But then, I've always been there for him Right - What are you doing? - How much do you need? - Still 10 grand - It's yours And I'll help you out in the shop in any way you need Oh, Mum Thanks I think that shows the sort of relationship I have with my children You couldn't make it 12, could you? Ten is fine - Hi, Dad - Yeah, hi Can I borrow some shaving cream? What for? - Oh, forget it - It's okay, it's okay Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on When was the last time you and me played golf together? When I was nine You made me carry your clubs in the pouring rain Oh, yeah Good times, eh? Good times We should do it again, you know Thought you were gonna be playing with Charlie That's all changed now That's all gone away - But who cares, eh? - Well, you do, for a start Me? Nah Dad, I've watched you not care for years Really stands out when you do What do you know? You're only 16 - Eighteen - Eighteen, yeah Anyway, you're old enough to buy your own shaving cream - Hello, Susan Have you seen Mum? - Oh, yes I've seen her - Right, Roger Do you love Abi? - Yes Do you want to spend the rest of your life with her? Yes Do you want you and your mother to resemble a Krankies tribute act - in 20 years' time? - Yes I mean, no, I don't think so Right, then Sort it out with Abi before you lose her Point taken, Susan, if somewhat harshly delivered Listen, Abi, Susan's told me a few home truths - She's made me realise that I'm a fool - I could have told you that much I just don't want to lose you, Abi You mean like that time at Alton Towers? No I just want us to be together Always Oh, good 'Cause it was really scary, Alton Towers I was just nipping out I wonder who'd like to escort me? - Roger? - Look, Mum, - Abi and I are a bit busy at the moment - Oh Oh, that's a shame I was thinking of getting ice creams Ice creams? - I've got jam doughnuts - Jam doughnuts? - Or we could go to the cinema - Cinema? We could go to my bedroom and listen to Aled Jones I'm walking in the air I've got wine gums (GRUNTS) I've got (WHISPERING) Really? Before the wedding? Sorry, Mum So this is how it's going to be in Wales, Roger? Always putting me second? Mum, I don't think we'll be moving to Wales Look, I'm too old to be ordered around and read Lord of the Rings bedtime stories Even though you do do all the voices with an unerring accuracy Oh, you know how to cut me deep, Roger I'm sorry, Mum, but the time has come for me to stand on my own two feet and be my own man I wasn't too harsh, was I? You've all turned my son against me He's just yelled at me Well, you've had a good run My kids were only six when they started screaming at me Oh, you're disgusting You with that strange, deviant friend of yours What, Alfie? That Charlie character - What? - Well, it's not normal, is it? Normal? You're talking to me about normal? Buying pants for a man in his 30s and that's normal? And who buys your pants? My wife, but that's not the point What I'm trying to say is you can't stand here in my living room passing judgement on my best friend Well, you should choose your friends a bit more carefully, then I actually choose my friends very carefully The only I regret is behaving like a Well, like you Sorry, Roger For your information, Charlie is a considerate and loyal friend And not only does she have a killer pair of legs, but she's the only woman I know who knows the offside rule To be honest, Nerys, you might learn a lot about being a woman from my friend Charlie Actually, I'm a little hazy on the offside rule Attacker there, defender there, ball played offside But you can't be offside in your own half You know what? I'm glad I'm a woman Can we talk about something else? Yeah, okay Yeah, I'm sorry Listen, I was thinking about that offer to give you away at your wedding - Yes, about that - I'd be honoured Bit of a problem there I've already asked Susan Oh, right Well, great I can offer you maid of honour It'll mean wearing a peach organza dress I'll take it Right, well, I better go You gonna be okay getting Ben, I'll be fine - I used to box the West London boys - Box the West London boys Yeah, no one's gonna mess with you, Charlie Now, you take care Charlotte Alone at last I thought he'd never leave - Cheers - Cheers - Tell me it's not true, Susan - I'm afraid it is - Oh, come on, Mikey! - Sorry, Dad The world is such an unjust place Don't you think you're overreacting slightly? But they would have been happy in Wales - Couldn't we still convince them? - I'm afraid not Roger told Nerys he loved Abi and that they wanted to live down here But they wanted to go yesterday What changed their minds? Search me - Hello, dear - I tried to pay your cheque in They said as it was a joint account, it needed two signatures - Oh, really? - Yours and Dad's Oh, well, why don't you ask your father now? I'm sure he'd be happy to oblige So near So how was Charlie? Well, that was a bit of a surprise