My Lady Jane (2024) s01e04 Episode Script

1
[Jane] I've been preparing
our next attempt.
-Transgressor animalus.
-No!
[Petunia] You are being poisoned.
-[Edward] How bad is it?
-[Jane] Catastrophic.
[Mary] We must move you
to the North Turret.
[Seymour] He must have fallen
trying to escape.
[Mary] Why do we need a body?
You have the Will?
-Of course I have the Will.
-It names me?
[Seymour] Find Lady Jane Grey
and her drunken spouse. Kill them.
Do you know the punishment
for Ethian-Verity intermarriage?
If I tell anyone, we're all dead.
-[screaming]
-[Phillips] Now, nice and steady.
You'll make a cracking
Kingsland Guard, Hodgkins.
-Like this, Mr. Phillips.
-[screaming]
-[sword swishes]
-[screaming stops]
[passionate gasping]
I want a divorce.
I must confess something dreadful.
Edward is already dead.
[Bess] That makes you Queen.
Yes, I shall be.
Those men we bested were Kingsland Guards.
[all shout]
They were looking for us.
Why would they want to kill us?
[Mary] Lord Seymour, the King's Will.
-I have King Edward's Will.
-[onlookers gasp]
His Majesty named you heir to the crown.
Long live Queen Jane.
[Lez Zeppelin: "Kashmir"]
[horse whinnies]
[driver shouts]
Oh, let the sun beat down upon my face ♪
With stars to fill my dreams ♪
I am a traveler of both time and space ♪
To be where I have been
[Author] Behold, England's new monarch,
Queen Jane Grey
and her consort Guildford Dudley.
Is this a dream come true
for our reluctant couple?
Or a nightmare incarnate?
I'm sure everything will work out
just fine.
[exciting music playing]
[all] Your Majesty.
-Your Majesty.
-[others] Your Majesty.
-Your Majesty.
-Your Majesty.
[rippling through crowd] Your Majesty.
-Your Majesty.
-Your Majesty.
Your Majesty.
-Your Majesty.
-[others] Your Majesty.
-Your Majesty.
-Your Majesty.
Your Majesty.
-Your Majesty.
-Your Majesty.
-Your Majesty.
-Your Majesty.
[salutations continue]
-Your Majesty.
-Your Majesty.
Must I call you Your Majesty?
No. You call me Jane.
Nothing's changed.
Everything's changed.
From now on, we address her
as Your Royal Majesty
Queen of England.
Your Royal Majesty.
[Author] Jane has been in shock for hours.
But her mother showing this level
of respect and deference is, frankly
-fucking bonkers.
-[Jane gasps]
[crowd gasps]
[Mary] How could you give her the crown?
You said you had the Will.
You said it named me.
I said I had a Will.
Look, I will look into this.
Oh.
Daddy's robe looks breathtaking.
I was Daddy's firstborn.
It should have been me before Edward.
And now a girl is finally on the Throne
and it's Jane sodding Grey.
Even her name is boring.
Mm.
I'll simply have to kill her myself.
Really?
How?
-Care to share?
-No.
-No. You'll just cock it all up again.
-Oh, please.
-Please, Mary, don't shut me out.
-[sighs]
Oh. I shall spy on them.
Everyone has secrets.
Then we'll turn the country against them.
-Oh, my love.
-Oh.
Soon, I shall take
my rightful place on the Throne
with you as my King.
And our purebred Verity children
will rule for a thousand years.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
[both sigh]
[gasps] Mm!
-Give me the key to your zoo.
-What?
Key! Zoo!
Now!
[Seymour grunts]
[Charles] Her Majesty awakens.
Am I?
Is this Edward's bed?
And his robe?
It's yours now,
Your Majesty.
Hmm.
I think I might be sick.
Everybody out! Out! Go!
[heavy door closes]
[Author] Grief doesn't hit you
all at once.
It comes in waves.
Like the world's most lugubrious hangover.
[plaintive music playing]
How could he do this to me?
Without even warning me? It's so typical.
Why would Edward name me?
If I may say
His Majesty always held you
in the highest esteem.
I loved him, too.
I only wish I had been with him
at the end to offer comfort.
Th-The messenger told me
that he threw himself out of a window.
Is that true?
They say he was in the final throes
of a poison-induced delirium.
Apparently, Lord Dudley had been
slowly poisoning him for some time.
Do you jest?
Rarely.
Lord Dudley has been imprisoned
for the King's murder.
Uh, you
said that you were not there
at the end. Why is that?
He wished to be alone in the North Turret.
Wh Edward chose to subject himself
to the freezing damp of the North Turret?
No, I don't believe it.
[up-tempo music playing]
Neither do I.
[thunder rumbling]
[Author] Can the murderer
truly be her father-in-law?
The idea is flabbergasting.
But if not him, then who?
I mean, whom?
I mean who?
[suspenseful music playing]
-[thunder crashes]
-[Edward gasps]
-[rattling]
-[sharp gasp]
[louder rattling]
[whispering] Guildford.
[whispering] Are you all right?
Eh, you know.
You?
Oh
you know.
[Author] This is as close
as the English ever get
to admitting emotional turmoil.
Sorry, I was delayed. I
You went to see your father.
He swears he's innocent.
Do you think he's innocent?
My dad once banished
the Duke of Coventry to Ireland
in order to steal his lace-maker.
He's a conniving bastard,
but he's not a murderer.
Jane, I promise you.
Well, someone is.
Whoever killed Edward
tried to kill us, too.
I must find who did this. I owe him that.
We will.
It's almost dawn.
I wish you could stay.
Vulnerability
from the indomitable Jane Grey?
Sensitivity from the unconscionable
Guildford Dudley?
[romantic music playing]
[sighs] We can't do this.
I know.
We must both be very careful, Jane.
This place isn't safe.
[bell tolls in distance]
-[Frances] Wake up!
-[clapping]
-Rise and shine!
-[Jane gasps]
First day as Queen!
Come on, your Kingdom awaits!
Good morning, Mother.
Charles.
[lively percussive music playing]
Whoa!
Jane is so lucky.
Mother, is this really important?
I'm fine in my old clothes.
No, you are not, you are Queen.
If you don't act like a monarch,
the people won't accept you as one.
King Henry was so resplendent with jewels
that he actually glowed.
Don't you want to glow?
Fine.
The green one, please.
Boop.
We're about to embark
on a coronation extravaganza.
Banquets, pageants, tournaments
I'm ordering new anointment oil
and having the rod and scepter polished.
Not too much, not till they're slippery.
But they'll jolly well sparkle.
Wonderful.
This is divine.
Why are you wearing a wedding ring?
Mommy made her marry Leicester.
What?!
You are unbelievable.
-He died. I'm fine.
-He died. She's fine!
And before you embark on
a predictably indignant speech,
consider this.
Thanks to me, we are rich,
safe, and happy, so
Will this take very much longer?
I must speak to the Privy Council.
About Lord Dudley?
Guildford thinks his father is innocent.
The Dudleys always think
their fathers are innocent.
They never are,
and they're always executed.
Edward wouldn't want an innocent man
executed on his behalf.
I have to get ready.
-Jane, can I give you some advice?
-No.
From now on you must be calm,
in control, and, above all, regal.
Margaret of Anjou had a saying,
"Live in the now."
Her husband suffered bouts of insanity,
and I can't see how it served her,
but somehow it did.
Point is, you are Queen.
Act like it.
-I intend to.
-[Margaret giggling]
Uh-uh, Katherine, that's not for you, no.
I want a bowl of Codling apples,
fresh every day, and no brown spots ever.
I want the best Spanish claret
for breakfast
and the most excellent Rhenish for lunch.
Ah, here we are!
The door won't open itself.
[Sleigh Bells: "Rill Rill"]
[laughing]
Yes.
Yes, I can tolerate this.
Now, go on, get out, get out, get out.
[laughing]
Made it.
Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪
Ah, ah,
ah, ah ♪
Ah, ah, ah
[Author] Jane wants to appear regal.
But come on.
Look at these tools.
Innocent, I am.
On bended knee, imploring Your Majesty
-in agony.
-That syntax is agony.
Don't scowl at me,
you sniveling muck-spout.
-From this angle, I can see up your nose.
-Dudley.
The Tofana was in your pocket.
-[crowd muttering]
-Explain it to me.
That's an order.
Do you honestly think
that I would ruin
a Venetian velvet cloak
by stretching out the pocket
with a leaden poisoner's box?
I mean
Then how did it get there? Tell me.
Your Majesty, please focus on the facts.
You were clearly oblivious
to his plotting,
but as a direct result
of the King's death,
Lord Dudley's progeny
will take the Throne.
Ipso facto.
He had the means,
the motive,
and as Royal Counselor, the opportunity.
And I have a witness.
-[crowd gasps]
-What witness?
What witness?
Why, a cook.
[Jane] A cook?
Who saw Lord Dudley
administer said poison.
Lies. Lies. Lies!
Aah!
You fool!
[Author] Like many leaders
before and since,
Jane is realizing
she has inherited
a troubled administration
Charles.
in a divided Kingdom.
-Otherwise known as
-Charles.
a shitshow.
Find me that cook.
And you're quite sure it was
the day before the Feast of All Saints?
Course.
I'd had a long day on my feet
in the kitchens,
and I got a nosebleed that night,
so I went down to get a pinch of bread
to plug up the blood.
You know, works a treat.
Then I saw that scoundrel.
Lord Dudley.
That's right. Him.
Sprinkling a powder on
His Majesty's pottage
[whispers] Bring me the Palace ledger.
How did you know that it was poison?
Did you see it?
Uh, yes. I
He had it in a bowl.
What kind of bowl?
A golden one?
Yeah! Shiny.
A golden bowl. Not a box?
Yes. Yes!
Just
from the East.
Oh, the East?
Cathay?
[stammering] Well, East Norwich.
Lovely there this time of y
Have all Your Majesty's
questions been satisfied?
-[Seymour clears throat]
-Hmm.
-Thank you for your time.
-Uh, of course, Your Majesty.
Just one more thing.
This Palace ledger says
you weren't working that day at all.
Uh
I uh, well
[stammering] The the scoundrel
and the the
-the powder!
-You're lying.
And you aren't even good at it.
Release Lord Dudley immediately.
Why did you do this?
Were you forced or bribed?
Answer me!
And I will remind you that
the punishment for bearing false witness
is the removal of one's eyeballs.
-With a spoon.
-I
Forced or bribed?
Tell me now.
-[guard 1] After her!
-[guard 2] Oi!
-[cook screaming]
-[soft whoosh]
-[guards shouting]
-[animal squeals]
[Jane] Oh, gods.
[guards celebrating]
Beast!
The cook was Ethian?
Yeah, so I skewered her.
You're welcome, Your Majesty.
Seymour.
You cannot just kill people.
-That woman
-Not a woman. A beast.
So! Dudley was indeed innocent.
And the cook was the poisoner
and made the whole thing up.
Well done, you.
[gentle applause]
[guards speaking indistinctly]
[laughter]
[animals howling and squealing]
Ugh. Gods, the stench.
[muttering]
Nasty, nasty beasts.
[suspenseful music playing]
-It's that one.
-[guard] Your Highness.
I am offering you freedom and riches
in return for a tiny favor.
If that interests you,
get in the box.
Or stay here
and wait until Lord Seymour returns
to plan his next experiment.
Your choice.
Relax.
It's almost sunset.
You're safe in here.
New stables, bigger than your old digs.
But I've done my best
to make 'em comfy, my Lord.
Oi. Did you just call
that horse "my Lord"?
[horse whinnies]
Lord Seymour. I, uh
I said Milo.
His name is Milo.
[whispers] Run.
Don't just let your steed wander around.
Good gods, man. I'll tie him up.
I heard that bastard Dudley
dismissed the royal grooms
from these stables.
Why is that?
Uh, the Dudley family
have their own grooms.
And it was the Queen's orders, my Lord.
Whose is this bed?
And whose garments are these?
-Mine, my Lord.
-Hardly.
This is velvet.
Must be your master's.
No.
There's only one explanation for this.
Her Majesty
has kicked Guildford Dudley
out of her bed already.
-[chuckles]
-Uh
Indeed, my Lord.
Uh, may I show you out?
Did you hear about the cook?
[thunder rumbling]
I'll wager there are more beasts
hiding all around this Palace.
Perhaps you might tell me more as we walk.
Ah! My sword. [chuckles]
I'd lose my head
if it wasn't screwed on, honestly.
[horse whinnying]
Horses.
Rats with hooves, really.
[chuckles]
[thunder rumbling]
[panting]
[whispers] I need a drink.
[thunder rumbling]
[Bess] Petunia?
-Petunia?
-[door bangs]
Petunia, where are you?
[gasps]
You took something
that didn't belong to you, sister.
Please don't hurt her.
Do you think Seymour and I are fools?
[Petunia whining]
Edward's Will.
You stole it.
Edward had a right to choose his heir.
You sneaky little wench.
Please. Let her go.
You care more about this mongrel
than you do your own sister.
No! Mary.
Please.
Forgive me. I'm-I'm sorry.
You must make it up to me.
I-I-I will.
I promise.
-See that box?
-[Petunia whining]
[Bess] What's inside?
Never you mind about that.
Place it next to Queen Jane.
Tonight.
Do not look inside.
Do not tell a soul.
[Petunia whining]
["Wild Thing"]
Ah, ha!
Surprise, surprise. Baroness Monteagle,
or as I like to call her,
mount-everything,
has put herself forward
to be a lady-in-waiting.
Oh, can you please stop
that infernal racket?
Oh, Lady Somerset.
[Author] If only Jane could enjoy
sycophantic communiqués
as much as Frances.
-What time is it?
-"Felicitations!"
Well, that's quite a long word for her.
You know what she called me
when I married your father?
"A relentless and permanently
dissatisfied schemer."
Who's the schemer now, wench?
Katherine and Margaret
will be my ladies-in-waiting.
Yes! Oh, please, can I?
-Yes, that's fine.
-And me?
Mmm, no. I have bigger plans for you.
[knock at door]
Your Majesty.
Bess.
I thought you might enjoy these.
Books always make me feel at home.
-Thank you, Bess.
-You're welcome.
Actually, wait.
Please stay.
Have a drink with me.
We can toast to Edward
and talk about life at Court.
I'd be delighted, Your Majesty.
My brother was a shocking cheat at cards.
Yes! And every time we caught him,
he would just laugh
and ask us to play again.
It's hard to say no to family.
Tell me, Bess, were
Lord Seymour and Edward very close?
I suppose one problem with being monarch,
apart from the questionable notion
of divine right
and inherited absolute power,
is that loyalty
cannot be taken for granted,
even from Royal Counselors.
[suspenseful music playing]
Bess, is
talking about Edward making you upset?
[snake hissing]
I just miss him.
I miss him, too.
I'm glad you're here.
And that he chose you.
As to the subject of power,
I always found Isidore of Seville's
thoughts on the matter most enlightening.
Oh.
I must be off.
Princess Bess.
-Guildford.
-Jane.
Shall we?
-Seymour's behind everything.
-What?
He poisoned Edward. I'm sure he sent
those men to kill us in the woods.
Do you have proof?
Not yet.
When I was questioning the witness,
who's a Palace cook,
she was looking at Seymour
like she was terrified of him.
And then she ran away and
she turned into an Ethian.
And then they killed her.
Just like that.
Like she was nothing.
[door opens]
Jane, we need to talk.
This is untenable.
We need to discuss how our recent
change in circumstance
affects our arrangement.
I still need a cure, and I presume
you still want a divorce, so
it all comes down to this.
Does our deal stand?
It does.
But right now we have bigger problems.
Jane.
Every second I remain here,
I'm a liability to you,
to my father, and to myself.
-Why can't you understand that?
-I do understand.
-Then why don't you try?
-I've been a little busy!
Nothing's worked.
You were supposed to be this scientist.
You were supposed to have
a legendarily curious mind.
I am. And I do.
Well, it sounds to me
like you're giving up.
Oh, I've never given up
on anything in my entire life.
-Is that so?
-It is so.
-Really?
-Really.
Then prove it.
[Deap Vally: "Supernatural"]
[Jane gasps]
-[music stops abruptly]
-I'm sorry.
I know you don't want this.
I should go.
That's a good idea.
[door opens]
[door closes]
[dramatic music playing]
Guildford.
Dad!
-Welcome back.
-Going somewhere?
Married life confounded you already?
This was a mistake.
She won't help me like you promised.
I may as well have a target on my back.
I'm going to Florence.
There's a library there
with a letter in it
from St. Francis of Assisi
which might help.
[Dudley] [scoffs] That dingbat.
He won't have any good ideas.
I can't stay here. It's impossible.
[sighs] Now, what have I told you?
Nothing is impossible.
Look at me. I was condemned to death.
Here I am alive.
And it's thanks to your wife.
Oh, my boy.
It's time to talk about your future.
Come on, pop yourself down.
[Guildford sighs]
Jane must name you King.
You can't be serious.
As consort, you're nothing.
I mean, you're, at best, a pretty toy.
But as King,
you have power.
Yes. To protect yourself
and to search for a cure.
You can devote every moment,
every resource to finding it.
And until that happy day,
you're safe.
In the crown, on the Throne. [chuckles]
What?
Marrying Jane was never about my cure.
It was about the Kingdom.
-It was about you.
-All right.
I'm a horrible monster for wanting my son
to be King of England, yes?
For wanting to finally, at long last,
redeem the family name.
Look, the truth is, Guildford,
I have spent a great deal
of energy and expense
breaking the law,
putting us all in danger,
hiding your secrets
just to keep you alive.
All I ask in return
is this.
Now
don't let your one flaw
hold you back from greatness.
[dramatic music playing]
[Petunia whining]
Careful, Pet.
A black adder's bite is deadly.
[Petunia barks]
[suspenseful music playing]
[Petunia whining]
-Cheers!
-[Petunia barking]
Ethian!
[gasps] Petunia!
Don't be frightened.
Thank you for saving my life
earlier, with Mary.
I
I'm just so sorry that
I couldn't protect your brother.
You tried to save Edward?
Yes, but I failed.
Tell me everything.
[bell tolling in distance]
[ominous music playing]
[Jane panting]
[heart beating]
[panting]
[Hodgkins] Now, Phillips?
-[Jane gasps]
-[sword unsheathes]
Go on, then, Hodgkins.
-[muffled screaming]
-Have at it.
[sharp gasp]
[bell tolling in distance]
[coin clatters]
[Author] Dreams.
Mysterious yet clarifying.
Kingsland Guards are controlled
by one man.
Lord Seymour?
[up-tempo music playing]
[urgent percussive music playing]
[Seymour clears throat]
I win.
[Jane clears throat]
Your Majesty.
Lord Seymour.
I need a list of Kingsland Guards.
By name if you have it.
Of course.
Why?
Are you thinking
of expanding their numbers?
Why would I do that?
My Kingsland Guards uphold Division
Laws
without which
we would be living cheek-by-jowl
with the beasts.
Every guard by name, as requested,
Your Esteemed Majesty.
Here we are.
Oh!
[Author] Oh, you little shit.
Oops.
How clumsy.
[Author] So much for that idea.
Lord Seymour.
I'm having a little supper party tonight.
Oh, really?
[clears throat] Oh, really?
Looking forward to seeing you there.
-Hmm.
-Hmm.
Supper party.
Ugh. Really?
Jane's throwing a supper party?
That's what I thought.
[loud banging on door]
-[Mary] Bess! What happened with the box?
-Oh, gods, it's her.
The next time I see you,
I'm gonna wear that puppy as a hat!
Bess
I won't let her hurt you. I promise. Go.
[banging continues]
Sister.
-Lord Seymour.
-Sister.
Tell me what happened.
The snake was dead.
Dead?
Yes. I-I suppose there wasn't enough air
in the box for it to breathe.
But in any case,
dead.
Alas.
Such a sweet gift
to offer Jane.
She does love the natural sciences.
Squidgy.
You should have let me choose the beast.
Snakes are notoriously feeble.
No. I know my sister.
She's lying.
Bess doesn't have the guts for
the delicate requirements of Court life.
You mean murder?
Yeah. Fetch some Tofana
for this blasted supper party.
Jane Grey dies tonight.
[Cherry Glazerr: "Moon Dust"]
Bygones?
Chums again?
Bygones. Chums again.
[Frances] Friends
-Hello, darling.
-Not now.
Friends,
my daughter, the Queen,
welcomes you to her humble soirée.
Thank you for coming.
My beloved Queen.
How can I ever repay
your intellectual fortitude,
your filial loyalty?
All that I have is yours.
Right. Drinky-poo.
-Jane.
-Guildford.
I don't like it when we're fighting.
-But you're so good at it.
-Thank you. So are you.
-I just need you to give me your word.
-I will.
I will dedicate every resource to it
once Edward's killer
is caught and punished.
Thank you.
How's that coming along, by the way?
I'm outfoxing him as we speak.
I'm intrigued.
[urgent music playing]
Leather satchel. Red ribbon. In here.
And Jane said there would be a key
in the box with the rose.
[whispers] Here.
There's-there's nothing.
Where is it? Bollocks!
[elegant music playing]
I am honored to be your Queen
and I know that you shall all protect me
as you so dutifully protected
my beloved cousin.
[Mary] Your Majesty,
I have been waiting for this.
The chance to offer my most heartfelt
congrats.
Thank you, Princess Mary.
Pickled chestnuts up the botty.
Fascinating.
Pickled chestnuts up the botty?
It's actually how I survived smallpox.
[Dudley] I mean, if it's smallpox
you're talking about,
you must think of cousin Simon of Swanage.
-[chuckling]
-[Seymour clears throat]
Guildford, you must come with me
on the hunt tomorrow.
The elk is best at dawn.
Alas,
the only thing I'll be hunting
tomorrow morning is my pillow.
Of course. You have a shit-faced,
ale-soaked reputation to uphold.
He-He's a reprobate,
and three cheers for that.
[both laugh]
A reputation that is greatly exaggerated.
Yes.
I've been thinking,
what exactly do you do during the day?
We're intrigued to know.
-[stammering] Well, I
-[Jane] And, Seymour, I am intrigued
to know more about that cook.
I mean, doesn't it seem odd to you
that she would poison the King?
What could her motives have possibly been?
Well, beasts hate Verities, of course.
[chuckles] What a silly question.
I think it's time for a toast.
[Mary] Yes! A toast.
That sounds lovely.
Thank you, Lord Seymour.
As I was saying,
to our clever Queen
for sniffing out the Ethian
in our midst.
There's always been rumor
of an Ethian in our Court,
so I, for one, am truly grateful.
[suspenseful music building]
Oh! Wait, wait, wait. I just, uh
[chuckles]
I just want to say a few words about
how proud I am
of myself.
Don't worry, I've got this.
[mischievous music playing]
-Where did you learn to do that?
-Shut up, I'm concentrating.
You see, raising
three children as a single mother
was a challenge that I accepted
and conquered.
Mm. Mm.
-And now my eldest is Queen
-Mother.
Just like my own dear maman,
who was Queen of France.
[whispers] For seven weeks.
[Frances] To mothers! [chuckles]
Oh! Silly me.
[laughing]
I'm actually the only mother here.
[laughing] Whoops!
Drink up!
No, no, no, no, no.
I need you performance-ready.
To me! Ha!
Oh, I'm sorry!
Sorry!
Never mind, you idiot.
You ruin everything.
[guests chattering]
[Guildford] You didn't have
to defend me at dinner, by the way.
I've been doing this a long time.
How can you stand it?
I don't care what they say.
People that matter to me
know exactly who I am.
Right. [clears throat] What have we got?
They look like letters, but I can't
read them. They're in code.
And if that's not an indication of guilt,
I don't know what is.
It's not Atbash.
It's not a substitution cipher.
-It's the Alberti Cipher.
-The what?
I might not speak Aramaic,
but I'm not a complete cretin.
Come with me.
Right.
There it is.
It's a cipher wheel.
Why do you have this?
Old King Henry used the Alberti Cipher
to communicate with the Holy Roman Emperor
when he was trying to get his divorce.
Anyway, he taught it to his inner circle,
and then my father taught it to me.
So Seymour knows it, too.
Gods, you are clever.
Of course I fucking am.
["Nights in White Satin"]
[Stan] Nights in white satin ♪
Never reaching the end ♪
Letters I've written ♪
Never meaning to send ♪
Beauty I've always missed ♪
With these eyes before ♪
Just what the truth is ♪
I can't tell anymore ♪
♪'Cause I love you ♪
Yes, I love you ♪
Oh, how I love you ♪
Oh, yeah ♪♪
[quietly] I told you
to meet me at my door.
A grand gesture of chivalry.
I hate gestures and I hate chivalry.
Frances. Shh.
My dulcet love.
Every night I slumber soundly
with wine-fueled dreams
of us entwined together
in the nuddy.
[mutters] Oh my gods.
Will you do me the honor of being
my wife eternal?
[laughs]
No.
But I love you!
Oh, please. You do not love me.
And even if I needed a husband,
which I don't,
I would not choose you.
Why?
Stan.
You're just not husband material.
I am so.
I am the model of uxoriousness.
Well, if you were,
your father and I would have
chosen you to marry Jane,
and not Guildford.
Yeah, well, that was pretty stupid,
considering Guildford is an E
Ee
Considering Guildford is what?
Nothing.
-What is he?
-He is suffering
-from the clap.
-If you ever want to see me again,
you need to tell me everything now.
Why did you stop Frances
drinking the poison?
Do you fancy her? Huh?
[Mary grunting]
'Cause every murder needs a purpose.
Ah! Yeah! Yeah! Ah!
[both moaning]
[panting]
Ooh!
Those little freaks.
What do you suppose
Jane does with him all day?
-Some horrible some lovers' game.
-[grunts]
I don't suppose you could
perhaps untie me, Squidgy?
Something's going on.
You know what else is odd?
The grooms from the West Stables
have been dismissed.
Jane's orders.
Jane's orders?
What does she want with the West Stables?
I have an itchy ear.
Something jolly odd is going on
and I'm gonna find out what it is.
[groans]
[door opens]
-Aah!
-[door closes]
[Author] As dawn approaches,
our intrepid code breakers haven't found
any evidence implicating Seymour.
But they have found
"My quim quivers in moist anticipation
of once again
flogging your terrified buttocks.
Cheers! Mary."
[laughing] She wrote these for Seymour.
These are filthy.
Listen to this one.
"Unlike most citizens of Firenze,
your Widowmaker
is doing its job admirably."
Do you think he means his willy?
[chuckles]
Wait.
It's not his willy. It's poison.
The Florentine Widowmaker. It's Tofana.
That's the poison that killed Edward.
They killed him together.
I thought Mary loved her brother.
[sighs]
Gods, I am so naive.
People are selfish
and disappointing.
I must call a Council meeting first thing.
We'll go see your father.
It's nearly dawn.
[suspenseful music playing]
Be careful.
Mary?
Queen Jane.
Coming from the West Stables, I'll wager.
I'm heading there myself.
No! Wait! Mary, I You can't.
Really?
Can't I?
And why not?
Because
[Author] There comes a time
in every woman's life
when she panics and makes a rash decision
that she will regret
much sooner than she thinks.
For Jane, well,
that moment is now.
You killed Edward.
I have proof.
[ominous music playing]
Aah!
[both grunting]
-Aah!
-Give me the fucking letter!
[Jane panting and struggling]
-[Mary grunts]
-[Jane gasps]
You
are not the Queen.
Abdicate or die, Jane.
Abdicate or die!
[tense music playing]
[ominous music playing]
[haunting music playing]
[sighs deeply]
[soft whoosh]
[horse whinnying]
[Author] So, Frances knows
Guildford's secret.
Mary knows Jane knows Mary's secret.
And I have a secret, too
an intentional obfuscation for
the purposes of elevated intrigue,
or, in layman's terms,
a twist.
Because Edward
is alive!
[soft gasp]
Alive!
[dramatic music playing]
♪
♪
♪