My Lady Jane (2024) s01e05 Episode Script
Episode 5
1
[Jane] The crown is not my right.
Why would Edward name me?
[Mary] I was Daddy's firstborn.
And now a girl is finally on the Throne,
and it's Jane sodding Grey?
I'll simply have to kill her myself.
[Susannah] Ethians cannot survive
another winter in the wild.
Not with the new Kingsland Guards.
[Archer] Why don't you leave him alone,
you bunch of thugs?
I'm Archer.
-[people gasping]
-[roars]
[Mary] Their beastly leader, "Archer."
Why haven't you killed him yet?
I'm trying my best.
[Mary] Edward's will. You stole it.
See that box? Place it next to Queen Jane.
Bess, is talking about Edward
making you upset?
[hisses]
-I'm glad you're here.
-[Guildford] I still need a cure,
and I presume
you still want a divorce, so
does our deal stand?
Oh, I've never given up
on anything in my entire life.
-Then prove it.
-[Seymour] The grooms
from the West Stables
have been dismissed.
What does she want with the West Stables?
[Jane] Florentine Widowmaker.
-It's the poison that killed Edward.
-They killed him together.
You killed Edward. I have proof.
Aah!
Abdicate or die!
[Author] And now, a twist.
Edward is alive.
-[Dorothy: "Wicked Ones"]
-Ah, ah, ah
[Author] Once upon a time,
there was a young King
who was poisoned,
assumed dead,
but was, in fact
-not.
-[gasps]
Where am I?
[Granny] Edward. My sweet.
[Author] Edward knows her face.
He's seen it a thousand times
on her effigy.
This ancient nun
is the formidable Margaret Beaufort.
But to Edward, she is simply
Granny?
Of course it is.
We rescued you.
And in the nick of time, too.
Your barmy sister was about to kill you.
Mary was poisoning me. I remember.
Well, lucky for you, we had the antidote.
Jane said there was no antidote.
Verities always think
they know everything.
I'm confused.
Last thing I remember, I was in my Palace,
hiding on the window ledge and then
something bonked me on my head.
Stop whinging.
[laughs softly]
You're alive.
This one is an excellent climber.
She carried you out
of the Turret on her back.
I must get back to the Palace.
You shall. But first, rest.
You are safe as kittens here with Granny.
Everything at the Palace
is perfectly fine.
[Author] Everything at the Palace
is not perfectly fine.
Ah, ah, ah ♪
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah ♪
-[gasps]
-Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah
[Author] In fact, Mary throttled Jane
and left her unconscious
and discarded on the grass
like yesterday's dog poo-poo.
But Jane's only thought is
Guildford.
Ain't no love when the wicked run ♪
All we do is try to lay off ♪
We're the wicked ones ♪♪
Rupert? Where's Guildford?
He's safe. He's in the south meadow.
[suspenseful music playing]
There were papers here, letters, in code.
I need them. Where are they?
Princess Mary came.
She took everything.
[panting]
Your Majesty?
We must speak about your husband.
[dramatic music playing]
[Author] Meanwhile,
in an Ethian camp not that far away
The Scots say they want an answer
within the month.
And they sent a haggis.
So you know they're serious.
-I hate haggis.
-Oh, I love haggis.
I think we should accept the terms.
[Susannah scoffs]
What, you don't like it?
I didn't say that.
But some people are saying
that if we make an alliance with Scotland,
we're just trading
one Verity ruler for another.
[Archer] "Some people."
You mean you and the other young fliers.
The Scottish Queen promises us
full rights if we fight by their side.
[Archer] All we have to do is help them
take the English throne.
Simple, innit?
We'll get our lives back.
And frankly,
we don't have any other options.
-Guards!
-[dramatic music playing]
[people screaming]
[Guard] For England and Queen Jane!
[Archer] Guards!
[Guard] For England and Queen Jane!
Queen Jane?
Pick up your swords.
[horse screeches]
[grunting]
[roars]
-[clamoring]
-[roars]
[shouts]
[groans]
This is a disaster.
I'm freaking out.
This is my freaking-out face.
It should be simple.
Mary killed Edward and tried to kill me.
Yes, we have no proof.
My throat?
Ah, a fading bruise?
Seymour claims
she spent the night with him.
If somebody had witnessed her commit this
alleged attack, that would be something,
-But as it is
-No. Call the Council.
Ooh, they are not your friends.
Well, they need to know the truth.
Whose truth?
Mary will paint you a deranged liar
and use it as a pretext to depose you.
Do not underestimate her.
She must have a weakness.
Only one. [laughs softly]
[pensive music playing]
She's a woman. [laughs]
I'm a woman.
Eh, yes, but you have Guildford.
[scoffs]
Men make people feel safe.
It's clear you must name Guildford
your King A.S.A.F.P.,
and I have come up
with the requisite paperwork
My King?
I don't need a King.
Edward chose me.
No, he chose your son.
He only named you because you were
marrying Guildford and [whistles]
That's not true.
Oh, it is. I was there.
Now, don't take it personally.
I mean, it's not called
a "Queendom," is it?
And a King solidifies your claim
to the Throne.
And it makes great sense
to crown you both together.
Everybody loves a twofer.
We can announce it at the Banquet.
Banquet? No.
No Banquet.
-Yes Banquet.
-I need to make a plan.
Look, the nobility are already en route.
If you want to beat Mary,
get the nobility on side.
Show them a good time
and play by the fucking rules.
[knocking on door]
Your Majesty.
Your mother requests
your presence, "urgently."
Tell her that I'm busy.
Splendid.
Oh, also, uh, there's an odd Irish girl
at the kitchen door,
begged me to give you this.
[whimsical music playing]
Damn these weak thumbs.
[Author] That's Castilian
inbreeding for you.
Jane's neck is as strong as oak.
[Seymour] You thought
she was dead, my love.
You tried your best.
What if she tells someone?
She has no evidence.
-[grunts]
-Squidgy, I'm worried about Bess.
She's been hiding in her room all day.
Perhaps she's on the blob.
No, she's plotting something.
You watch Bess. I'll get a real ally.
Order my carriage.
I've got a an army to raise.
[Author] Into every generation,
a politician is born who fancies himself
as a bit of a Kingmaker,
or in this case, a Queenmaker.
-Give me that and fuck off.
-Yes, Princess.
[exhales]
-[Author] Meet Lord
-Norfolk.
I must take the throne at once.
Jane Grey is coming
for our entire Verity way of life.
Oh, I don't know.
-I don't want civil war.
-Right.
Well, if you aren't going to help,
then why are you even here?
[shears snip]
Perhaps it's simple nostalgia.
Your father and I used to play games
of "mount the Blounts"
around this very garden.
I'm not stupid.
I want Jane Grey's head on a pike,
and I need your army.
So come on.
What do you really want?
When you're Queen,
to be your Lord Chancellor.
That position is taken.
-[shears snip]
-Yes.
By Lord Seymour.
Despicable man.
His mother once told me
that he always asked to be spanked.
Despicable.
Well, sack Seymour, replace him with me
and I'll send 5,000 men to fight for you.
As for poor, dear Jane
[moans]
not right.
That needs to be washed, all of it.
Okay, yes. To the left. Left, left
My left, my left. The other left!
Morons.
Ah.
Why are you alone? Where is Jane?
Her Majesty sends regrets.
She's refusing me? How dare she?
Charles, catch!
Jolly good throw, Lady Margaret.
-Uh-uh-uh-uh.
-Margaret, stop horsing around.
-"Horse."
-What was that?
Idioms are for simpletons.
Mother, why don't we put
the wine in that corner,
so all the guests can have
a quiet place to talk?
This is the first time the nobility
will be meeting Jane as their Queen,
and you always say the strongest alliances
are made over big drink and small talk.
Well, at least one of my progeny
has been paying attention.
-Always.
-Margaret, that's enough.
[laughs]
I received a letter this morning
from the Countess of Swinford,
who said that she's willing
to take you in,
-you lucky, lucky thing.
-What?
She has been instructing girls
for generations,
who go on to become obedient wives
of minor European royalty.
-You're sending me away?
-[Katherine] Swinford? Didn't a girl die
in her care last year?
No, she was always sickly.
You're not the boss of me.
I think you'll find I am.
Now where is your blasted sister?
[Jane] Susannah, I am so glad to see you.
Oh, my gods.
-What happened to you?
-Did you order your Guards to attack us?
-What?
-Kingsland Guards
stormed our camp this morning
in the name of Queen Jane.
I would never order them to do that.
-[scoffs]
-No, please
believe me.
-Gods, you're still bleeding.
-No, it's fine.
Come on, let me look.
I made a great salve for bruising.
It's arnica.
Sit down, let me look after you.
[grunts] Your hands are frickin' freezing.
Oh, don't be such a baby.
So, "Queen Jane."
I couldn't believe it.
Neither could I.
I'm sorry about Edward.
Me, too.
[gentle music playing]
Was there seriously nobody else
he could think to name heir to the Throne?
[laughs softly]
That's very funny.
Well, I don't envy you.
It's a shitshow out there.
And it's only getting worse.
[somber music playing]
This won't happen again.
Where are you going?
To do my fucking job.
[Gossip: "Heavy Cross"]
-[indistinct chatter]
-[laughter]
My Lords.
-My Lords!
-[chatter stops]
I am disbanding the Kingsland Guards,
effective immediately.
-But your Majesty
-Silence.
They are finished.
And anyone caught flouting my orders
will be hanged.
Good day.
[others murmuring]
I checked you ♪
If it's already been done ♪
Undo it
Your Majesty, if I may say,
that was rather rash.
Quite. The Kingdom needs order.
No, the Kingdom needs change.
And what will you tell the people
when we are overrun with Satanic beasts?
I will tell them
they have nothing to fear.
The goatskin gloves, piss-dick.
[Author] Jane, however, has much to fear.
Especially from Mary.
Fortunately,
Jane's good at standing up to bullies.
She has, after all, had so much training,
-with her mother.
-[Mary] Your Majesty.
Enjoyed any diverting
perambulations recently?
[dramatic music playing]
Actually, I just perambulated
all the way to my Counsellors.
You held a Council meeting?
A surprise meeting, Princess.
To disband the Kingsland Guards.
-Pardon?
-Don't say "pardon," say "what."
[Mary] The Kingsland Guard
are the only thing standing between us
and the Ethian plague.
Not anymore.
This is insanity.
Ethians are vile.
Disgusting aberrations of nature.
The spawn of Satan must be destroyed.
Swept from our lands in cleansing fire.
-And as for you
-Uh, you, you, you,
you have a tender heart
and a progressive mind.
What on earth
will your generation do next?
I, for one, am intrigued to find out.
[chuckles] Ta-ta.
[Jane] Dear gods.
She really despises Ethians.
Well, of course she does, silly goose.
-Go on.
-Old King Henry
kicked Mary's mother Katherine
out on her bony Spanish arse
for Anne Boleyn,
who turned out to be an animal,
both in and out of the sack.
Because she was a beast.
I get it, Dudley.
To Mary, beasts are not just evil,
they are the root of all her unhappiness.
[pensive music playing]
Hatred.
Her weakness is hatred.
Dudley.
I think I know what to do.
[thunder crashes]
This invitation is just the beginning,
Susannah, I promise you.
[Susannah] Let's hope Archer agrees.
He can be tough.
The Latin you taught me
was pretty shite, but
does this say, "How to Cure the Beast"?
It's research.
Research?
Well, I know some Ethians
struggle with their condition,
so much so that they'll do anything
to get rid of it.
So what have you found?
Nothing.
Because it doesn't exist.
How do you know that?
Do remember the cook's son?
-Little boy that ran away?
-He heard about a cure.
An establishment in London
where you pay someone to hurt you
when you're in Ethian form.
And the pain teaches your brain
or your soul or whatever
to never change again.
It never worked.
Eventually, they beat him to death.
[somber music playing]
I-I know you want to help,
and I'm grateful,
and if this plan of yours works,
it will change everything for us,
but everyone should know,
there is no cure.
And you must never question
our right to exist ever again.
Yes.
Of course.
-You're right, I'm sorry.
-Good.
[Jane] Please, get this to Archer.
-[knocks on door]
-[Frances] Your Majesty?
Oh, gods, it's my mother.
Go to the window.
[knocking continues]
[soft whoosh]
-[Frances] Ah.
-Mother.
What a pleasant surprise.
Jane.
Jane, I've been trying
to speak to you all day.
I don't have time for this.
Oh, yes, you do.
Guildford Dudley is a horse.
[Author] Oh, shit.
I've seen it with my own eyes.
I'll arrange a divorce.
[Author] A week ago, that was
all that Jane wanted, but now
No, you shall not.
[dramatic music playing]
Jane.
You cannot stay married to an Ethian.
If I had known, I never would have
Forced me to marry him?
At least I became Queen,
which was obviously your plan
with Dudley all along.
I regret nothing.
You are on the Throne
and I am in the Palace.
But we will never be safe
with that so-called man by your side.
You end this marriage
or I will make you end it.
I am the Queen.
You have no power to make me do anything.
[laughs] Oh, gods, do you love him?
You do.
[footsteps receding]
Jane.
[Author] The two most irritating things
in the world:
the sound of someone eating an apple
and when your mother might be right.
-[door opens]
-[Jane] Guildford?
-Guildford.
-Rupert told me everything.
Are you hurt?
Did you talk to the Council
Shut up and kiss me.
[moans softly]
There's something else.
What is it? Tell me.
Later, but
What if
I didn't want a divorce?
What if you didn't?
[Wet Leg: "Wet Dream"]
-Beam me up ♪
-Beam me up ♪
Count me in
-[Guildford] Fucking laces.
-I know. [laughs]
Let's begin ♪
-Here we go ♪
-Here we go ♪
-Here we go ♪
-Here we go
Do you think I'll like it?
-[laughs]
-Gods, I hope so.
I was in your wet dream
driving in my car
I tried finding out what it would be like.
I looked in books, but there's nothing
Mm. Are you intending to talk
all the way through this?
No.
Maybe.
Touching yourself
Do you intend to keep your boots on?
Well no.
"Baby, do you want
to come home with me? ♪
I've got Buffalo '66 on DVD" ♪
-Beam me up ♪
-Beam me up ♪
-Count me in ♪
-Count me in ♪
-Three, two, one ♪
-Three, two, one ♪
Let's begin ♪
-Here we go ♪
-Here we go ♪
-Here we go ♪
-Here we go ♪
Here we go, here we go, here we go ♪
I was in your wet dream ♪
Driving in my car ♪
What makes you think you're good enough
to think about me ♪
When you're touching yourself ♪
Touching yourself, touching your
Wait.
-Eh?
-I don't know what to do.
I really hate not knowing things.
I can show you.
It's enough to make a girl blush ♪
If you want me to.
It's enough, it's enough ♪
To make a girl blush,
it's enough, it's enough
I want you to.
-It's enough, it's enough, it's enough ♪
-To make a girl blush ♪
It's enough, it's enough, it's enough ♪
-It's enough, it's enough ♪
-To make a girl blush ♪
-Beam me up ♪
-Beam me up ♪
-Count me in ♪
-Count me in ♪
-Three, two, one ♪
-Three, two, one ♪
Let's begin ♪
-Here we go ♪
-Here we go ♪
-Here we go ♪
-Here we go ♪
Here we go, here we go, here we go
[moans]
[laughs]
-Count me in ♪
-Count me in ♪
-Three, two, one ♪
-Three, two, one ♪
Let's begin ♪♪
[Jane] That was surprisingly vigorous.
[Guildford] Thank you. I think.
Mary could've killed you.
Mm.
-I've got a plan for her.
-Hmm?
I wrote to Archer.
I invited the Ethians to the Banquet.
You invited Ethians
to your Coronation Banquet?
Mm-hmm.
You're insane.
The nobility will be incandescent.
Mary most of all.
I'm fairly certain
that she will attack me again,
and this time, there will be witnesses.
Treason.
It's risky.
But genius.
I take it you haven't told
my father about this.
Not in detail.
[laughs softly]
-Guildford?
-Hmm?
[dramatic music playing]
Did you know your father
asked me to name you King?
It's all he's ever wanted.
Is that why you married me?
No.
All I want is my cure.
I just want my life to be mine again.
[Author] Jane knows
there is no cure for Ethianism.
But should she tell Guildford now,
and perhaps sour
this blissful detumescence,
or should she wait?
Definitely wait.
[exciting music playing]
[seabird chirping]
Granny, I'm just having a snooze.
[Fitz] Get up.
[panting]
Who-who are you?
No one of consequence. Ish.
-You're in danger.
-Danger?
This convent happens to belong
to my grandmother.
I'm safe as kittens.
Then why'd she lock you in?
She did not.
-She locked me in!
-Ready to listen, Your Majesty?
How do you know who I am?
Look, in 30 seconds, the nuns
are gonna come check on you.
Fake a fit, grab the keys off the big one,
leave the rest to me.
Why should I fear a bunch of nuns?
What are they going to do,
pray me to death?
Anyway, why should I trust you?
You could be an assassin,
ordered by my sister to slay me.
If I wanted to slay you, sweet cheeks,
you'd be slain.
[door closes in distance]
Last chance.
[airy music playing]
Nope.
I'm staying.
I have very good instincts
about this sort of thing.
Suit yourself.
The name's Fitz, by the way.
[meows]
[keys jingle]
[suspenseful music playing]
♪
-[church bell ringing]
-[Petunia] Princess Bess,
pack faster.
We must get you safe
to Granny by nightfall.
I still find it so odd
that Granny is a nun.
[chuckles]
So what did she want with Edward?
That's enough questions.
Let's just finish packing.
Let's go. Chop-chop.
I still think I should warn Jane.
I-It's the right thing to do.
Leave her a note.
[chest creaks closed]
[suspenseful music playing]
♪
[footsteps receding]
[distant rooster crows]
[birds chirping]
[Author] It's a strange
and wonderful thing when, at last,
you see someone as they truly are
their flaws and virtues,
gifts and curses and realize, perhaps,
that's what makes them perfect.
If only they could see it, too.
-[suspenseful music playing]
-[church bell ringing]
[barks]
[Bess gasps]
Hello, Princess.
A note
warning Jane?
You are a naughty girl.
I know another Princess
who might consider that an act of treason.
-Mary is not Queen.
-But she will be.
And until that happy day arrives,
I don't want you ruining her chances.
-[Guard] Go on.
-Take us to Kenninghall.
-Drive.
-[whimpers]
-[thunder rumbles]
-[seabirds chirping]
[Granny] Edward,
you've hardly touched your spotted dick.
I'm just not a big breakfast person.
Thanks so much for all the TLC, you know,
but I'd say that I can go soon.
Mm, not yet.
Tell me, when your sister
was coming to the Turret
to kill you, did you feel scared?
Yes. Obviously.
This will be a challenge.
What are you talking about?
[bellows]
G-Gods, you're a turtle.
I am a tortoise.
You're an Ethian?
And so are you.
Impossible. [stammers]
-I would've changed at puberty.
-No,
royal men are notoriously stunted.
Why, your father didn't acquire
any fuzz on his mons pubis
till he was in his mid-20s.
Edward, you are an Ethian
and you will be the first Ethian King.
[dramatic music playing]
But how will you elicit the change?
Another magic potion?
That was medicine.
There's no such thing as magic.
So, time to winkle out the beast within
and save the Kingdom, hmm?
♪
Die, Ethian, die!
[Seymour] Ah, the small Grey.
What an interestingly violent child.
-You should try a real sword.
-[scoffs]
There you go, poppet. You try.
Whoa.
Oh, the right-handed grip.
Quintessential. Elegant.
But the two-handed grip yields
more power in combat.
Go at it.
Very good.
Your mother would be proud.
My mummy can bite me.
Charming.
I felt quite the same
about my own battle-axe.
Do you know the best thing about mummies
is eventually, they all die.
[laughs softly]
[mischievous music playing]
[shouts]
-Fuck.
-Fuck.
[approaching voices]
[man] Seymour.
[Dudley] You see, Stan,
when you're crowning a King,
you want something that says,
"I'm not here for the power,
-but it helps."
-Dad
I have to tell you something.
[Frances] Dudley.
Darling.
Lady Frances, what a pleasure.
Do you like my designs
for the crown of King Guildford?
I need a word with you.
-Get out.
-No.
I want to stay.
Yeah, let him stay.
It's important he learns
the ways of the Court,
and what better tutors than us two, eh?
[chuckles] Stanley, sit.
Now, I have wine or pigeon pie
if you fancy a nibble.
No, I do not fancy a nibble.
You told me that Jane would be Queen
and that Guildford would not be a problem.
[Dudley] Well,
is there a problem?
He's a horse.
[laughs] Guildford, a horse.
-[laughs]
-Gracious, I mean, what-what,
what-what on earth would prompt you
to say something like that?
Stan told me.
She forced me.
Do you honestly think
I wouldn't have found out?
I thought you'd find out,
but I thought there'd be nothing
you could do about it,
so I thought it didn't matter.
We'll see about that.
[Seymour] What a day. I made best chums
with the youngest Grey, of all people,
and guess who I just locked up
at Kenninghall
[dramatic music playing]
Norfolk.
Seymour.
I was just leaving.
See you at the Banquet.
My men will be at the gates by midnight.
[door opens]
Him?
All friendships come with a price.
When I'm Queen,
Norfolk will be my Lord Chancellor.
-That's my job.
-Keep up.
Are you firing me?
You wouldn't believe
what I've done for you today.
We can still shag, darling.
Oh, do not pout, Seymour.
-You know it makes me terribly vexed.
-[grunts softly]
Now get your balls out of those britches
and assume the position.
No, I won't.
Not until you respect me professionally.
And then smacky-smacky bottom.
Then we're through.
I hope you enjoy yourself
at that rancid party tonight, alone.
[laughs]
[door opens]
[Liz Lawrence: "California Screaming"]
[Author] Everyone knows
the tummy butterflies
that accompany the first Banquet
held in one's honor.
Except you, of course, you utter peasant.
Left my body landing ♪
Rationale abandoned ♪
-Racing to the bottom
-[knocking on door]
Hi.
Hi.
[inhales sharply, clears throat]
You look beautiful.
Pick one.
[Jane] Hmm.
Hmm.
[gentle music playing]
[Jane] Oh.
Thank the gods, I needn't cut off an ear.
They're lovely.
They belonged to my mother.
Oh, Guildford. No, that-that's too much
♪
Before I met you, I was in despair.
I drank, I gambled,
I fought, I fucked
everything up.
And now for the first time in my life,
I have hope.
You've given me hope, Jane.
Jane.
Guildford, I need to tell you something.
[Dudley] Ah.
There you are. The lovebirds.
[Dudley imitating birdcall]
Come. Your Kingdom awaits.
[Girlschool: "20th Century Boy"]
Ready?
-[doors open]
-[excited chatter]
♪
Friends say it's fine ♪
Friends say it's good ♪
Everybody says ♪
It's just like Robin Hood
Thank you for coming.
[Guildford] Enchanted.
[Jane] It's lovely to I love your dress.
I move like a cat, talk like a rat ♪
Sting like a bee ♪
Babe, I'm gonna be your man
[Guildford] It's so lovely to see you.
Try the dolphin. It's in season.
Medium rare.
[indistinct chatter]
-And it's plain to see ♪
-That is so nice.
You were meant for me ♪
Yeah, I'm your toy,
your 20th Century boy ♪
♪
Friends say it's fine
Well, do you love it? I love it.
Come on, drinkie-pooh,
and then I will introduce you
-to all the right people.
-Yes.
[clears throat] Your Majesty,
please allow me to present
the Duke of Norfolk.
Your Majesty.
Ah, the consort.
Not for long. [laughs]
And Lord Scrope.
He owns most of the West country.
And the Midlands.
Everyone always forgets the Midlands.
[soft laughter]
We were just discussing the riots
that have been happening in Cheapside.
Oh, they're always rioting in Cheapside.
Perhaps we should teach them
to read instead.
Ha! Well played, well played.
They said you were funny, and you are.
[Mary] Jane.
They're rioting because of you.
[Jane] Princess Mary.
Enchanted you could join us.
What next, Your Majesty,
must we spoon-feed
the beasts our breakfast?
Norfolk, come, I want a drink.
♪
Your Majesty. [clears throat]
They have arrived.
What's up, pussycat?
-There you are.
-[Margaret] Finally.
[Katherine] Hello, Mother.
Where did you get all that guff?
You don't think I look pretty?
You're a widow, not a Bankside doxy.
Take it off.
Pox on her.
Yeah, pox on her.
People? People.
Eyes to me, eyes to me.
Pray silence
for an announcement from your Queen.
[Author] As Jane looks out over
the most important people in the Kingdom
and the man she might just love,
she knows why her destiny
placed her right here, right now.
My loving people.
[Author] To change the world.
Tonight, I invite each of you
to reject the division and hatred
of generations past.
We must again live side by side,
peacefully, in unity
-Ethians and Verities.
-[people gasping]
We must end Division Laws.
[people murmuring]
As a message of unity,
I have invited some Ethian friends
to join us.
[doors open]
[Nova Twins: "Cleopatra"]
♪
I'm the type of girl
who likes taking the lead ♪
I don't give a fuck
what they say about me ♪
They say I'm scary,
I'm not ladylike, I act like a queen ♪
And I'll be wearing the crown
whilst I'll be kissing my teeth ♪
Ah, I'm a boss bitch
It's great to be here.
Ah, ah ♪
Ah ♪♪
[Jane] Princess Mary
I thought you might lead us in a toast.
A toast?
You wish us to share our wine, food
air, with these abominations?
How dare you pollute my father's Palace?
You are not welcome here.
They are welcome here.
I invited them.
[suspenseful music playing]
And I am your Queen.
Queen?
You are a mistake.
A pernicious error holding power
by virtue of disastrous misstep,
not divine right.
The blood of the gods
runs through my heart.
Let's see what runs through yours
when I
When you what?
Hmm?
Tell your Queen what you'll do.
[screaming]
[Author] There is no horror,
to the English,
quite as acutely mortifying
as making a nasty scene in public.
It's the kind of thing you see abroad.
And such a display
from their own royal Princess?
It's social arson.
Not to mention
political suicide.
[Black Honey: "All My Pride"]
[indistinct chatter]
[laughter]
Archer?
Thank you for accepting my invitation.
Ending Division Law,
was that a real proposal,
or were we invited here
to be the meat in your trap?
Look, the truth is, I grew up oblivious
to the inequity in this Kingdom.
I'm not proud to say that,
but I didn't see it,
so I didn't have to think about it.
But it is the only thing that matters.
If we do this, it will take
serious reconciliation between our people.
Time. Negotiation.
You know, are your nobility on side?
Archer, the highest-ranking Verity
nobility are here for the week.
Stay.
Help me convince them to support us.
I'm not a diplomat.
Well, victory is not solely won
on the battlefield.
[laughs softly]
Hearts and minds?
Yeah, something like that.
[laughs softly]
-[people gasping]
-[cheering]
[playful clamoring]
-Excuse me.
-No, no, no. Hang on. Hang on.
Listen, have you got any pineapple?
[Rose gasps] No. Pomegranate?
Do you have pomegranate, please?
[Owen] It's not a party
if you've got no pineapple.
Go and find me some pineapple. Go on.
I say, could you settle a point
of discussion between my wife and I?
[distant cheering]
Have you ever heard of a cure?
-Hangover cure?
-Sex.
Eel pie.
No, I mean, a cure for
Ethianism.
You think we need a cure?
[Rose] Like we're sick?
Cursed? Diseased?
[both laugh]
[Owen] I'm just pissing
in your boots, mate.
Don't need one.
[Rose] Why would I want a cure?
I'm an owl.
I can see in the dark.
-What the fuck can you do?
-[Owen laughs]
Right. Of course.
Bye.
Wanker.
-I liked him.
-Mm.
Like his hair.
-[man] Hello! Good to see you.
-Good to see you.
[man] Majesty
It's a style I haven't seen
-[laughs] Absolutely. You as well.
-Guildford.
We need to talk.
Jane, what's wrong? What's the matter?
I-I tried to tell you last night,
and I didn't, and
Yes?
There is no cure.
[grunts softly]
-What did you just say?
-The Ethian cure
-doesn't exist.
-You don't know that.
I do.
-You're wrong.
-Look, apply logic.
Caterpillars become butterflies;
tadpoles, frogs.
Metamorphic change is a part of nature
-Jane, please don't
-Guildford, you don't need a cure.
You cannot change what you are,
and you shouldn't have to.
Not for your father, not for me,
not for anyone.
Jane, please, shut up.
It is this Kingdom
that needs to change, not you.
I disbanded the Guards, I could end
Division Laws, I could heal England.
Fuck England! Heal me!
[panting]
I trusted you.
[Lucia & the Best Boys:
"So Sweet I Could Die"]
Guildford, wait.
Guildford, please, wait.
Gathered thoughts as best I can
-Guildford.
-Scrape them up from where I stand ♪
Hold my head between my hands ♪
We couldn't be much closer than ♪
Broken bodies intertwined ♪
Breaking up over the line
And that's how I actually survived dropsy.
-And
-What's that man's name?
Who? Oh, William?
He works for Norfolk.
Nice chap, actually.
Oh, please, please introduce us?
Nah. Love is dead.
You're so sweet, I could die
-[whispers] Move.
-[grunts]
You're so sweet, I could die
I like your gown.
My sister dressed me. [laughs softly]
[laughs softly]
-[distant] Excuse me.
-"My sister dressed me"?
Yeah, that was bad.
You.
-Frances.
-Not you.
You. It's bedtime.
Banquet's over.
Gods, she's magnificent.
[atmospheric music playing]
[creatures chittering]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why are you following me?
Easy, mate.
Look, if I offended you earlier,
I apologize.
You didn't offend me.
I just came to tell you that I was lying.
There is an Ethian cure.
And I know where to get it.
Guildford?
[Author] The post-party blues are agony.
One minute, you're celebrated by hundreds,
the next, you're fighting
with your husband,
belching dolphin,
with no new plan to outwit
your psychotic cousin in sight.
You may leave.
[both] Your Majesty.
[door closes]
Your Majesty. Don't freak out.
-Who are you?
-Petunia. Edward's dog.
Of course you are.
I know that you need evidence
to accuse Mary and Seymour.
I believe I can help.
[atmospheric music playing]
[church bells ringing]
[Margaret] Get the Ethians!
Die! Die! Ha! Take that!
Hello, poppet. Having fun?
No.
My mummy's sending me to live
with some nasty old bint.
Says I need "discipline."
I'm sure Queen Jane can sort that out.
She's too busy.
Won't even see me this morning.
Busy?
Busy doing what?
Mummy also says not to talk about Jane
to anyone outside the family.
But your mummy
is a nasty old wench, remember,
who's trying to send you away.
Perhaps I can stop her.
Why don't you have a seat,
and tell me everything that they're up to?
Well, Jane's talking
to some witchy herbalist
from the river market.
Something about poison.
[Author] Ever sourced poison
from a river market flower girl
in order to murder the King and
replace him with your deranged paramour?
Well, if you find yourself
in such a predicament,
dispose of all the evidence.
Including the flower girl.
It's called being detail-oriented.
-[Griff: "She's Not There"]
-Well, no one told me ♪
About her ♪
The way she was
A witness has come forward
to confirm, beyond all doubt,
the identity of King Edward's killers
Lord Seymour and Princess Mary.
[people gasping]
Arrest them.
Say you're sorry ♪
How would I know,
why should I care? ♪
Well, please don't bother
trying to find her ♪
She's not there ♪
Well, let me tell you
about the way she looked ♪
The way she'd act
and the color of her hair ♪
Her voice was soft and cool ♪
Her eyes were clear and bright ♪
But she's not there ♪
She's not there ♪
Well, let me tell you
about the way she looked ♪
The way she'd act
and the color of her hair ♪
Her voice was soft and cool ♪
Her eyes were clear and bright,
but she's not there ♪♪
She's gone.
[dramatic music playing]
♪
♪
♪
[Jane] The crown is not my right.
Why would Edward name me?
[Mary] I was Daddy's firstborn.
And now a girl is finally on the Throne,
and it's Jane sodding Grey?
I'll simply have to kill her myself.
[Susannah] Ethians cannot survive
another winter in the wild.
Not with the new Kingsland Guards.
[Archer] Why don't you leave him alone,
you bunch of thugs?
I'm Archer.
-[people gasping]
-[roars]
[Mary] Their beastly leader, "Archer."
Why haven't you killed him yet?
I'm trying my best.
[Mary] Edward's will. You stole it.
See that box? Place it next to Queen Jane.
Bess, is talking about Edward
making you upset?
[hisses]
-I'm glad you're here.
-[Guildford] I still need a cure,
and I presume
you still want a divorce, so
does our deal stand?
Oh, I've never given up
on anything in my entire life.
-Then prove it.
-[Seymour] The grooms
from the West Stables
have been dismissed.
What does she want with the West Stables?
[Jane] Florentine Widowmaker.
-It's the poison that killed Edward.
-They killed him together.
You killed Edward. I have proof.
Aah!
Abdicate or die!
[Author] And now, a twist.
Edward is alive.
-[Dorothy: "Wicked Ones"]
-Ah, ah, ah
[Author] Once upon a time,
there was a young King
who was poisoned,
assumed dead,
but was, in fact
-not.
-[gasps]
Where am I?
[Granny] Edward. My sweet.
[Author] Edward knows her face.
He's seen it a thousand times
on her effigy.
This ancient nun
is the formidable Margaret Beaufort.
But to Edward, she is simply
Granny?
Of course it is.
We rescued you.
And in the nick of time, too.
Your barmy sister was about to kill you.
Mary was poisoning me. I remember.
Well, lucky for you, we had the antidote.
Jane said there was no antidote.
Verities always think
they know everything.
I'm confused.
Last thing I remember, I was in my Palace,
hiding on the window ledge and then
something bonked me on my head.
Stop whinging.
[laughs softly]
You're alive.
This one is an excellent climber.
She carried you out
of the Turret on her back.
I must get back to the Palace.
You shall. But first, rest.
You are safe as kittens here with Granny.
Everything at the Palace
is perfectly fine.
[Author] Everything at the Palace
is not perfectly fine.
Ah, ah, ah ♪
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah ♪
-[gasps]
-Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah
[Author] In fact, Mary throttled Jane
and left her unconscious
and discarded on the grass
like yesterday's dog poo-poo.
But Jane's only thought is
Guildford.
Ain't no love when the wicked run ♪
All we do is try to lay off ♪
We're the wicked ones ♪♪
Rupert? Where's Guildford?
He's safe. He's in the south meadow.
[suspenseful music playing]
There were papers here, letters, in code.
I need them. Where are they?
Princess Mary came.
She took everything.
[panting]
Your Majesty?
We must speak about your husband.
[dramatic music playing]
[Author] Meanwhile,
in an Ethian camp not that far away
The Scots say they want an answer
within the month.
And they sent a haggis.
So you know they're serious.
-I hate haggis.
-Oh, I love haggis.
I think we should accept the terms.
[Susannah scoffs]
What, you don't like it?
I didn't say that.
But some people are saying
that if we make an alliance with Scotland,
we're just trading
one Verity ruler for another.
[Archer] "Some people."
You mean you and the other young fliers.
The Scottish Queen promises us
full rights if we fight by their side.
[Archer] All we have to do is help them
take the English throne.
Simple, innit?
We'll get our lives back.
And frankly,
we don't have any other options.
-Guards!
-[dramatic music playing]
[people screaming]
[Guard] For England and Queen Jane!
[Archer] Guards!
[Guard] For England and Queen Jane!
Queen Jane?
Pick up your swords.
[horse screeches]
[grunting]
[roars]
-[clamoring]
-[roars]
[shouts]
[groans]
This is a disaster.
I'm freaking out.
This is my freaking-out face.
It should be simple.
Mary killed Edward and tried to kill me.
Yes, we have no proof.
My throat?
Ah, a fading bruise?
Seymour claims
she spent the night with him.
If somebody had witnessed her commit this
alleged attack, that would be something,
-But as it is
-No. Call the Council.
Ooh, they are not your friends.
Well, they need to know the truth.
Whose truth?
Mary will paint you a deranged liar
and use it as a pretext to depose you.
Do not underestimate her.
She must have a weakness.
Only one. [laughs softly]
[pensive music playing]
She's a woman. [laughs]
I'm a woman.
Eh, yes, but you have Guildford.
[scoffs]
Men make people feel safe.
It's clear you must name Guildford
your King A.S.A.F.P.,
and I have come up
with the requisite paperwork
My King?
I don't need a King.
Edward chose me.
No, he chose your son.
He only named you because you were
marrying Guildford and [whistles]
That's not true.
Oh, it is. I was there.
Now, don't take it personally.
I mean, it's not called
a "Queendom," is it?
And a King solidifies your claim
to the Throne.
And it makes great sense
to crown you both together.
Everybody loves a twofer.
We can announce it at the Banquet.
Banquet? No.
No Banquet.
-Yes Banquet.
-I need to make a plan.
Look, the nobility are already en route.
If you want to beat Mary,
get the nobility on side.
Show them a good time
and play by the fucking rules.
[knocking on door]
Your Majesty.
Your mother requests
your presence, "urgently."
Tell her that I'm busy.
Splendid.
Oh, also, uh, there's an odd Irish girl
at the kitchen door,
begged me to give you this.
[whimsical music playing]
Damn these weak thumbs.
[Author] That's Castilian
inbreeding for you.
Jane's neck is as strong as oak.
[Seymour] You thought
she was dead, my love.
You tried your best.
What if she tells someone?
She has no evidence.
-[grunts]
-Squidgy, I'm worried about Bess.
She's been hiding in her room all day.
Perhaps she's on the blob.
No, she's plotting something.
You watch Bess. I'll get a real ally.
Order my carriage.
I've got a an army to raise.
[Author] Into every generation,
a politician is born who fancies himself
as a bit of a Kingmaker,
or in this case, a Queenmaker.
-Give me that and fuck off.
-Yes, Princess.
[exhales]
-[Author] Meet Lord
-Norfolk.
I must take the throne at once.
Jane Grey is coming
for our entire Verity way of life.
Oh, I don't know.
-I don't want civil war.
-Right.
Well, if you aren't going to help,
then why are you even here?
[shears snip]
Perhaps it's simple nostalgia.
Your father and I used to play games
of "mount the Blounts"
around this very garden.
I'm not stupid.
I want Jane Grey's head on a pike,
and I need your army.
So come on.
What do you really want?
When you're Queen,
to be your Lord Chancellor.
That position is taken.
-[shears snip]
-Yes.
By Lord Seymour.
Despicable man.
His mother once told me
that he always asked to be spanked.
Despicable.
Well, sack Seymour, replace him with me
and I'll send 5,000 men to fight for you.
As for poor, dear Jane
[moans]
not right.
That needs to be washed, all of it.
Okay, yes. To the left. Left, left
My left, my left. The other left!
Morons.
Ah.
Why are you alone? Where is Jane?
Her Majesty sends regrets.
She's refusing me? How dare she?
Charles, catch!
Jolly good throw, Lady Margaret.
-Uh-uh-uh-uh.
-Margaret, stop horsing around.
-"Horse."
-What was that?
Idioms are for simpletons.
Mother, why don't we put
the wine in that corner,
so all the guests can have
a quiet place to talk?
This is the first time the nobility
will be meeting Jane as their Queen,
and you always say the strongest alliances
are made over big drink and small talk.
Well, at least one of my progeny
has been paying attention.
-Always.
-Margaret, that's enough.
[laughs]
I received a letter this morning
from the Countess of Swinford,
who said that she's willing
to take you in,
-you lucky, lucky thing.
-What?
She has been instructing girls
for generations,
who go on to become obedient wives
of minor European royalty.
-You're sending me away?
-[Katherine] Swinford? Didn't a girl die
in her care last year?
No, she was always sickly.
You're not the boss of me.
I think you'll find I am.
Now where is your blasted sister?
[Jane] Susannah, I am so glad to see you.
Oh, my gods.
-What happened to you?
-Did you order your Guards to attack us?
-What?
-Kingsland Guards
stormed our camp this morning
in the name of Queen Jane.
I would never order them to do that.
-[scoffs]
-No, please
believe me.
-Gods, you're still bleeding.
-No, it's fine.
Come on, let me look.
I made a great salve for bruising.
It's arnica.
Sit down, let me look after you.
[grunts] Your hands are frickin' freezing.
Oh, don't be such a baby.
So, "Queen Jane."
I couldn't believe it.
Neither could I.
I'm sorry about Edward.
Me, too.
[gentle music playing]
Was there seriously nobody else
he could think to name heir to the Throne?
[laughs softly]
That's very funny.
Well, I don't envy you.
It's a shitshow out there.
And it's only getting worse.
[somber music playing]
This won't happen again.
Where are you going?
To do my fucking job.
[Gossip: "Heavy Cross"]
-[indistinct chatter]
-[laughter]
My Lords.
-My Lords!
-[chatter stops]
I am disbanding the Kingsland Guards,
effective immediately.
-But your Majesty
-Silence.
They are finished.
And anyone caught flouting my orders
will be hanged.
Good day.
[others murmuring]
I checked you ♪
If it's already been done ♪
Undo it
Your Majesty, if I may say,
that was rather rash.
Quite. The Kingdom needs order.
No, the Kingdom needs change.
And what will you tell the people
when we are overrun with Satanic beasts?
I will tell them
they have nothing to fear.
The goatskin gloves, piss-dick.
[Author] Jane, however, has much to fear.
Especially from Mary.
Fortunately,
Jane's good at standing up to bullies.
She has, after all, had so much training,
-with her mother.
-[Mary] Your Majesty.
Enjoyed any diverting
perambulations recently?
[dramatic music playing]
Actually, I just perambulated
all the way to my Counsellors.
You held a Council meeting?
A surprise meeting, Princess.
To disband the Kingsland Guards.
-Pardon?
-Don't say "pardon," say "what."
[Mary] The Kingsland Guard
are the only thing standing between us
and the Ethian plague.
Not anymore.
This is insanity.
Ethians are vile.
Disgusting aberrations of nature.
The spawn of Satan must be destroyed.
Swept from our lands in cleansing fire.
-And as for you
-Uh, you, you, you,
you have a tender heart
and a progressive mind.
What on earth
will your generation do next?
I, for one, am intrigued to find out.
[chuckles] Ta-ta.
[Jane] Dear gods.
She really despises Ethians.
Well, of course she does, silly goose.
-Go on.
-Old King Henry
kicked Mary's mother Katherine
out on her bony Spanish arse
for Anne Boleyn,
who turned out to be an animal,
both in and out of the sack.
Because she was a beast.
I get it, Dudley.
To Mary, beasts are not just evil,
they are the root of all her unhappiness.
[pensive music playing]
Hatred.
Her weakness is hatred.
Dudley.
I think I know what to do.
[thunder crashes]
This invitation is just the beginning,
Susannah, I promise you.
[Susannah] Let's hope Archer agrees.
He can be tough.
The Latin you taught me
was pretty shite, but
does this say, "How to Cure the Beast"?
It's research.
Research?
Well, I know some Ethians
struggle with their condition,
so much so that they'll do anything
to get rid of it.
So what have you found?
Nothing.
Because it doesn't exist.
How do you know that?
Do remember the cook's son?
-Little boy that ran away?
-He heard about a cure.
An establishment in London
where you pay someone to hurt you
when you're in Ethian form.
And the pain teaches your brain
or your soul or whatever
to never change again.
It never worked.
Eventually, they beat him to death.
[somber music playing]
I-I know you want to help,
and I'm grateful,
and if this plan of yours works,
it will change everything for us,
but everyone should know,
there is no cure.
And you must never question
our right to exist ever again.
Yes.
Of course.
-You're right, I'm sorry.
-Good.
[Jane] Please, get this to Archer.
-[knocks on door]
-[Frances] Your Majesty?
Oh, gods, it's my mother.
Go to the window.
[knocking continues]
[soft whoosh]
-[Frances] Ah.
-Mother.
What a pleasant surprise.
Jane.
Jane, I've been trying
to speak to you all day.
I don't have time for this.
Oh, yes, you do.
Guildford Dudley is a horse.
[Author] Oh, shit.
I've seen it with my own eyes.
I'll arrange a divorce.
[Author] A week ago, that was
all that Jane wanted, but now
No, you shall not.
[dramatic music playing]
Jane.
You cannot stay married to an Ethian.
If I had known, I never would have
Forced me to marry him?
At least I became Queen,
which was obviously your plan
with Dudley all along.
I regret nothing.
You are on the Throne
and I am in the Palace.
But we will never be safe
with that so-called man by your side.
You end this marriage
or I will make you end it.
I am the Queen.
You have no power to make me do anything.
[laughs] Oh, gods, do you love him?
You do.
[footsteps receding]
Jane.
[Author] The two most irritating things
in the world:
the sound of someone eating an apple
and when your mother might be right.
-[door opens]
-[Jane] Guildford?
-Guildford.
-Rupert told me everything.
Are you hurt?
Did you talk to the Council
Shut up and kiss me.
[moans softly]
There's something else.
What is it? Tell me.
Later, but
What if
I didn't want a divorce?
What if you didn't?
[Wet Leg: "Wet Dream"]
-Beam me up ♪
-Beam me up ♪
Count me in
-[Guildford] Fucking laces.
-I know. [laughs]
Let's begin ♪
-Here we go ♪
-Here we go ♪
-Here we go ♪
-Here we go
Do you think I'll like it?
-[laughs]
-Gods, I hope so.
I was in your wet dream
driving in my car
I tried finding out what it would be like.
I looked in books, but there's nothing
Mm. Are you intending to talk
all the way through this?
No.
Maybe.
Touching yourself
Do you intend to keep your boots on?
Well no.
"Baby, do you want
to come home with me? ♪
I've got Buffalo '66 on DVD" ♪
-Beam me up ♪
-Beam me up ♪
-Count me in ♪
-Count me in ♪
-Three, two, one ♪
-Three, two, one ♪
Let's begin ♪
-Here we go ♪
-Here we go ♪
-Here we go ♪
-Here we go ♪
Here we go, here we go, here we go ♪
I was in your wet dream ♪
Driving in my car ♪
What makes you think you're good enough
to think about me ♪
When you're touching yourself ♪
Touching yourself, touching your
Wait.
-Eh?
-I don't know what to do.
I really hate not knowing things.
I can show you.
It's enough to make a girl blush ♪
If you want me to.
It's enough, it's enough ♪
To make a girl blush,
it's enough, it's enough
I want you to.
-It's enough, it's enough, it's enough ♪
-To make a girl blush ♪
It's enough, it's enough, it's enough ♪
-It's enough, it's enough ♪
-To make a girl blush ♪
-Beam me up ♪
-Beam me up ♪
-Count me in ♪
-Count me in ♪
-Three, two, one ♪
-Three, two, one ♪
Let's begin ♪
-Here we go ♪
-Here we go ♪
-Here we go ♪
-Here we go ♪
Here we go, here we go, here we go
[moans]
[laughs]
-Count me in ♪
-Count me in ♪
-Three, two, one ♪
-Three, two, one ♪
Let's begin ♪♪
[Jane] That was surprisingly vigorous.
[Guildford] Thank you. I think.
Mary could've killed you.
Mm.
-I've got a plan for her.
-Hmm?
I wrote to Archer.
I invited the Ethians to the Banquet.
You invited Ethians
to your Coronation Banquet?
Mm-hmm.
You're insane.
The nobility will be incandescent.
Mary most of all.
I'm fairly certain
that she will attack me again,
and this time, there will be witnesses.
Treason.
It's risky.
But genius.
I take it you haven't told
my father about this.
Not in detail.
[laughs softly]
-Guildford?
-Hmm?
[dramatic music playing]
Did you know your father
asked me to name you King?
It's all he's ever wanted.
Is that why you married me?
No.
All I want is my cure.
I just want my life to be mine again.
[Author] Jane knows
there is no cure for Ethianism.
But should she tell Guildford now,
and perhaps sour
this blissful detumescence,
or should she wait?
Definitely wait.
[exciting music playing]
[seabird chirping]
Granny, I'm just having a snooze.
[Fitz] Get up.
[panting]
Who-who are you?
No one of consequence. Ish.
-You're in danger.
-Danger?
This convent happens to belong
to my grandmother.
I'm safe as kittens.
Then why'd she lock you in?
She did not.
-She locked me in!
-Ready to listen, Your Majesty?
How do you know who I am?
Look, in 30 seconds, the nuns
are gonna come check on you.
Fake a fit, grab the keys off the big one,
leave the rest to me.
Why should I fear a bunch of nuns?
What are they going to do,
pray me to death?
Anyway, why should I trust you?
You could be an assassin,
ordered by my sister to slay me.
If I wanted to slay you, sweet cheeks,
you'd be slain.
[door closes in distance]
Last chance.
[airy music playing]
Nope.
I'm staying.
I have very good instincts
about this sort of thing.
Suit yourself.
The name's Fitz, by the way.
[meows]
[keys jingle]
[suspenseful music playing]
♪
-[church bell ringing]
-[Petunia] Princess Bess,
pack faster.
We must get you safe
to Granny by nightfall.
I still find it so odd
that Granny is a nun.
[chuckles]
So what did she want with Edward?
That's enough questions.
Let's just finish packing.
Let's go. Chop-chop.
I still think I should warn Jane.
I-It's the right thing to do.
Leave her a note.
[chest creaks closed]
[suspenseful music playing]
♪
[footsteps receding]
[distant rooster crows]
[birds chirping]
[Author] It's a strange
and wonderful thing when, at last,
you see someone as they truly are
their flaws and virtues,
gifts and curses and realize, perhaps,
that's what makes them perfect.
If only they could see it, too.
-[suspenseful music playing]
-[church bell ringing]
[barks]
[Bess gasps]
Hello, Princess.
A note
warning Jane?
You are a naughty girl.
I know another Princess
who might consider that an act of treason.
-Mary is not Queen.
-But she will be.
And until that happy day arrives,
I don't want you ruining her chances.
-[Guard] Go on.
-Take us to Kenninghall.
-Drive.
-[whimpers]
-[thunder rumbles]
-[seabirds chirping]
[Granny] Edward,
you've hardly touched your spotted dick.
I'm just not a big breakfast person.
Thanks so much for all the TLC, you know,
but I'd say that I can go soon.
Mm, not yet.
Tell me, when your sister
was coming to the Turret
to kill you, did you feel scared?
Yes. Obviously.
This will be a challenge.
What are you talking about?
[bellows]
G-Gods, you're a turtle.
I am a tortoise.
You're an Ethian?
And so are you.
Impossible. [stammers]
-I would've changed at puberty.
-No,
royal men are notoriously stunted.
Why, your father didn't acquire
any fuzz on his mons pubis
till he was in his mid-20s.
Edward, you are an Ethian
and you will be the first Ethian King.
[dramatic music playing]
But how will you elicit the change?
Another magic potion?
That was medicine.
There's no such thing as magic.
So, time to winkle out the beast within
and save the Kingdom, hmm?
♪
Die, Ethian, die!
[Seymour] Ah, the small Grey.
What an interestingly violent child.
-You should try a real sword.
-[scoffs]
There you go, poppet. You try.
Whoa.
Oh, the right-handed grip.
Quintessential. Elegant.
But the two-handed grip yields
more power in combat.
Go at it.
Very good.
Your mother would be proud.
My mummy can bite me.
Charming.
I felt quite the same
about my own battle-axe.
Do you know the best thing about mummies
is eventually, they all die.
[laughs softly]
[mischievous music playing]
[shouts]
-Fuck.
-Fuck.
[approaching voices]
[man] Seymour.
[Dudley] You see, Stan,
when you're crowning a King,
you want something that says,
"I'm not here for the power,
-but it helps."
-Dad
I have to tell you something.
[Frances] Dudley.
Darling.
Lady Frances, what a pleasure.
Do you like my designs
for the crown of King Guildford?
I need a word with you.
-Get out.
-No.
I want to stay.
Yeah, let him stay.
It's important he learns
the ways of the Court,
and what better tutors than us two, eh?
[chuckles] Stanley, sit.
Now, I have wine or pigeon pie
if you fancy a nibble.
No, I do not fancy a nibble.
You told me that Jane would be Queen
and that Guildford would not be a problem.
[Dudley] Well,
is there a problem?
He's a horse.
[laughs] Guildford, a horse.
-[laughs]
-Gracious, I mean, what-what,
what-what on earth would prompt you
to say something like that?
Stan told me.
She forced me.
Do you honestly think
I wouldn't have found out?
I thought you'd find out,
but I thought there'd be nothing
you could do about it,
so I thought it didn't matter.
We'll see about that.
[Seymour] What a day. I made best chums
with the youngest Grey, of all people,
and guess who I just locked up
at Kenninghall
[dramatic music playing]
Norfolk.
Seymour.
I was just leaving.
See you at the Banquet.
My men will be at the gates by midnight.
[door opens]
Him?
All friendships come with a price.
When I'm Queen,
Norfolk will be my Lord Chancellor.
-That's my job.
-Keep up.
Are you firing me?
You wouldn't believe
what I've done for you today.
We can still shag, darling.
Oh, do not pout, Seymour.
-You know it makes me terribly vexed.
-[grunts softly]
Now get your balls out of those britches
and assume the position.
No, I won't.
Not until you respect me professionally.
And then smacky-smacky bottom.
Then we're through.
I hope you enjoy yourself
at that rancid party tonight, alone.
[laughs]
[door opens]
[Liz Lawrence: "California Screaming"]
[Author] Everyone knows
the tummy butterflies
that accompany the first Banquet
held in one's honor.
Except you, of course, you utter peasant.
Left my body landing ♪
Rationale abandoned ♪
-Racing to the bottom
-[knocking on door]
Hi.
Hi.
[inhales sharply, clears throat]
You look beautiful.
Pick one.
[Jane] Hmm.
Hmm.
[gentle music playing]
[Jane] Oh.
Thank the gods, I needn't cut off an ear.
They're lovely.
They belonged to my mother.
Oh, Guildford. No, that-that's too much
♪
Before I met you, I was in despair.
I drank, I gambled,
I fought, I fucked
everything up.
And now for the first time in my life,
I have hope.
You've given me hope, Jane.
Jane.
Guildford, I need to tell you something.
[Dudley] Ah.
There you are. The lovebirds.
[Dudley imitating birdcall]
Come. Your Kingdom awaits.
[Girlschool: "20th Century Boy"]
Ready?
-[doors open]
-[excited chatter]
♪
Friends say it's fine ♪
Friends say it's good ♪
Everybody says ♪
It's just like Robin Hood
Thank you for coming.
[Guildford] Enchanted.
[Jane] It's lovely to I love your dress.
I move like a cat, talk like a rat ♪
Sting like a bee ♪
Babe, I'm gonna be your man
[Guildford] It's so lovely to see you.
Try the dolphin. It's in season.
Medium rare.
[indistinct chatter]
-And it's plain to see ♪
-That is so nice.
You were meant for me ♪
Yeah, I'm your toy,
your 20th Century boy ♪
♪
Friends say it's fine
Well, do you love it? I love it.
Come on, drinkie-pooh,
and then I will introduce you
-to all the right people.
-Yes.
[clears throat] Your Majesty,
please allow me to present
the Duke of Norfolk.
Your Majesty.
Ah, the consort.
Not for long. [laughs]
And Lord Scrope.
He owns most of the West country.
And the Midlands.
Everyone always forgets the Midlands.
[soft laughter]
We were just discussing the riots
that have been happening in Cheapside.
Oh, they're always rioting in Cheapside.
Perhaps we should teach them
to read instead.
Ha! Well played, well played.
They said you were funny, and you are.
[Mary] Jane.
They're rioting because of you.
[Jane] Princess Mary.
Enchanted you could join us.
What next, Your Majesty,
must we spoon-feed
the beasts our breakfast?
Norfolk, come, I want a drink.
♪
Your Majesty. [clears throat]
They have arrived.
What's up, pussycat?
-There you are.
-[Margaret] Finally.
[Katherine] Hello, Mother.
Where did you get all that guff?
You don't think I look pretty?
You're a widow, not a Bankside doxy.
Take it off.
Pox on her.
Yeah, pox on her.
People? People.
Eyes to me, eyes to me.
Pray silence
for an announcement from your Queen.
[Author] As Jane looks out over
the most important people in the Kingdom
and the man she might just love,
she knows why her destiny
placed her right here, right now.
My loving people.
[Author] To change the world.
Tonight, I invite each of you
to reject the division and hatred
of generations past.
We must again live side by side,
peacefully, in unity
-Ethians and Verities.
-[people gasping]
We must end Division Laws.
[people murmuring]
As a message of unity,
I have invited some Ethian friends
to join us.
[doors open]
[Nova Twins: "Cleopatra"]
♪
I'm the type of girl
who likes taking the lead ♪
I don't give a fuck
what they say about me ♪
They say I'm scary,
I'm not ladylike, I act like a queen ♪
And I'll be wearing the crown
whilst I'll be kissing my teeth ♪
Ah, I'm a boss bitch
It's great to be here.
Ah, ah ♪
Ah ♪♪
[Jane] Princess Mary
I thought you might lead us in a toast.
A toast?
You wish us to share our wine, food
air, with these abominations?
How dare you pollute my father's Palace?
You are not welcome here.
They are welcome here.
I invited them.
[suspenseful music playing]
And I am your Queen.
Queen?
You are a mistake.
A pernicious error holding power
by virtue of disastrous misstep,
not divine right.
The blood of the gods
runs through my heart.
Let's see what runs through yours
when I
When you what?
Hmm?
Tell your Queen what you'll do.
[screaming]
[Author] There is no horror,
to the English,
quite as acutely mortifying
as making a nasty scene in public.
It's the kind of thing you see abroad.
And such a display
from their own royal Princess?
It's social arson.
Not to mention
political suicide.
[Black Honey: "All My Pride"]
[indistinct chatter]
[laughter]
Archer?
Thank you for accepting my invitation.
Ending Division Law,
was that a real proposal,
or were we invited here
to be the meat in your trap?
Look, the truth is, I grew up oblivious
to the inequity in this Kingdom.
I'm not proud to say that,
but I didn't see it,
so I didn't have to think about it.
But it is the only thing that matters.
If we do this, it will take
serious reconciliation between our people.
Time. Negotiation.
You know, are your nobility on side?
Archer, the highest-ranking Verity
nobility are here for the week.
Stay.
Help me convince them to support us.
I'm not a diplomat.
Well, victory is not solely won
on the battlefield.
[laughs softly]
Hearts and minds?
Yeah, something like that.
[laughs softly]
-[people gasping]
-[cheering]
[playful clamoring]
-Excuse me.
-No, no, no. Hang on. Hang on.
Listen, have you got any pineapple?
[Rose gasps] No. Pomegranate?
Do you have pomegranate, please?
[Owen] It's not a party
if you've got no pineapple.
Go and find me some pineapple. Go on.
I say, could you settle a point
of discussion between my wife and I?
[distant cheering]
Have you ever heard of a cure?
-Hangover cure?
-Sex.
Eel pie.
No, I mean, a cure for
Ethianism.
You think we need a cure?
[Rose] Like we're sick?
Cursed? Diseased?
[both laugh]
[Owen] I'm just pissing
in your boots, mate.
Don't need one.
[Rose] Why would I want a cure?
I'm an owl.
I can see in the dark.
-What the fuck can you do?
-[Owen laughs]
Right. Of course.
Bye.
Wanker.
-I liked him.
-Mm.
Like his hair.
-[man] Hello! Good to see you.
-Good to see you.
[man] Majesty
It's a style I haven't seen
-[laughs] Absolutely. You as well.
-Guildford.
We need to talk.
Jane, what's wrong? What's the matter?
I-I tried to tell you last night,
and I didn't, and
Yes?
There is no cure.
[grunts softly]
-What did you just say?
-The Ethian cure
-doesn't exist.
-You don't know that.
I do.
-You're wrong.
-Look, apply logic.
Caterpillars become butterflies;
tadpoles, frogs.
Metamorphic change is a part of nature
-Jane, please don't
-Guildford, you don't need a cure.
You cannot change what you are,
and you shouldn't have to.
Not for your father, not for me,
not for anyone.
Jane, please, shut up.
It is this Kingdom
that needs to change, not you.
I disbanded the Guards, I could end
Division Laws, I could heal England.
Fuck England! Heal me!
[panting]
I trusted you.
[Lucia & the Best Boys:
"So Sweet I Could Die"]
Guildford, wait.
Guildford, please, wait.
Gathered thoughts as best I can
-Guildford.
-Scrape them up from where I stand ♪
Hold my head between my hands ♪
We couldn't be much closer than ♪
Broken bodies intertwined ♪
Breaking up over the line
And that's how I actually survived dropsy.
-And
-What's that man's name?
Who? Oh, William?
He works for Norfolk.
Nice chap, actually.
Oh, please, please introduce us?
Nah. Love is dead.
You're so sweet, I could die
-[whispers] Move.
-[grunts]
You're so sweet, I could die
I like your gown.
My sister dressed me. [laughs softly]
[laughs softly]
-[distant] Excuse me.
-"My sister dressed me"?
Yeah, that was bad.
You.
-Frances.
-Not you.
You. It's bedtime.
Banquet's over.
Gods, she's magnificent.
[atmospheric music playing]
[creatures chittering]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why are you following me?
Easy, mate.
Look, if I offended you earlier,
I apologize.
You didn't offend me.
I just came to tell you that I was lying.
There is an Ethian cure.
And I know where to get it.
Guildford?
[Author] The post-party blues are agony.
One minute, you're celebrated by hundreds,
the next, you're fighting
with your husband,
belching dolphin,
with no new plan to outwit
your psychotic cousin in sight.
You may leave.
[both] Your Majesty.
[door closes]
Your Majesty. Don't freak out.
-Who are you?
-Petunia. Edward's dog.
Of course you are.
I know that you need evidence
to accuse Mary and Seymour.
I believe I can help.
[atmospheric music playing]
[church bells ringing]
[Margaret] Get the Ethians!
Die! Die! Ha! Take that!
Hello, poppet. Having fun?
No.
My mummy's sending me to live
with some nasty old bint.
Says I need "discipline."
I'm sure Queen Jane can sort that out.
She's too busy.
Won't even see me this morning.
Busy?
Busy doing what?
Mummy also says not to talk about Jane
to anyone outside the family.
But your mummy
is a nasty old wench, remember,
who's trying to send you away.
Perhaps I can stop her.
Why don't you have a seat,
and tell me everything that they're up to?
Well, Jane's talking
to some witchy herbalist
from the river market.
Something about poison.
[Author] Ever sourced poison
from a river market flower girl
in order to murder the King and
replace him with your deranged paramour?
Well, if you find yourself
in such a predicament,
dispose of all the evidence.
Including the flower girl.
It's called being detail-oriented.
-[Griff: "She's Not There"]
-Well, no one told me ♪
About her ♪
The way she was
A witness has come forward
to confirm, beyond all doubt,
the identity of King Edward's killers
Lord Seymour and Princess Mary.
[people gasping]
Arrest them.
Say you're sorry ♪
How would I know,
why should I care? ♪
Well, please don't bother
trying to find her ♪
She's not there ♪
Well, let me tell you
about the way she looked ♪
The way she'd act
and the color of her hair ♪
Her voice was soft and cool ♪
Her eyes were clear and bright ♪
But she's not there ♪
She's not there ♪
Well, let me tell you
about the way she looked ♪
The way she'd act
and the color of her hair ♪
Her voice was soft and cool ♪
Her eyes were clear and bright,
but she's not there ♪♪
She's gone.
[dramatic music playing]
♪
♪
♪