My Lady Jane (2024) s01e06 Episode Script
Episode 6
1
[Jane] Mary killed Edward
and tried to kill me.
We have no proof.
My Lords! I am disbanding
the Kingsland Guards.
They are finished.
[Mary] I want Jane Grey's head on a pike,
-and I need your army.
-Sack Seymour.
And I'll send 5,000 men to fight for you.
[Frances] Guildford Dudley is a horse.
End this marriage
or I will make you end it.
No, you shall not.
What if I didn't want a divorce?
What if you didn't?
-[pants]
-I don't know what to do.
-[grunting]
-[Guildford] I can show you.
You invited Ethians
to your Coronation Banquet?
[Jane] We must again live side by side.
We must end Division Laws.
[screaming]
-[Jane] Guildford, you don't need a cure.
-Jane, please shut up.
It is this Kingdom that needs to change.
I could heal England.
Fuck England! Heal me!
I trusted you.
-[whimpers]
-Why are you following me?
I just came to tell you
there is an Ethian cure.
And I know where to get it.
[Jane] A witness has come forward
to confirm
King Edward's killers.
Lord Seymour and Princess Mary.
-Arrest them.
-[Author] That's right, my darlings.
Princess Mary is fleeing.
She's gone.
[Tropical Fuck Storm: "Stayin' Alive"]
[Author] As you're doubtless aware,
dopamine is a neurotransmitter
that gives humans the ability to feel joy.
The traitor Mary has fled.
[Author] And nothing triggers euphoria
as intensely as having
your regicidal nemesis on the run.
Goddamn, what a rush.
I will not rest until she is captured.
You will all send your armies
to search the Kingdom
[Norfolk] Not so fast,
Your Majesty.
[Author] Sadly for Jane,
Tudor monarchs don't have armies.
They have to borrow them.
Which means she needs these assholes.
Are we correct to assume
that you have reneged on
your passionate plea to end Division Law?
[murmuring]
No.
[gasping]
♪
I shall end Division Law.
Our Kingdom needs unity.
And a leader
who is willing to fight for it.
Each of you will pledge me 10,000 men.
Whatever Mary does next, we will be ready.
-Long live Queen Mary!
-[screaming]
Stayin' alive ♪
-[yelling]
-[grunting]
Margaret, come here.
-[pants]
-[Dudley] An assassin
-sent by the traitor Mary!
-Are you all right?
Uh-huh.
[Dudley] Stand up.
Keep smiling. You are alive.
Fear not!
The villain is dead.
-The show is over. Disperse, everyone.
-[indistinct chatter]
Disperse, people.
[Author] As Jane looks around,
she realizes none of these men
care about the attempt
just made on her life.
They only care about power.
They're wondering if she's weak.
Failing.
Doomed.
[dramatic music playing]
Meanwhile, Granny is trying everything
possible to force Edward's Ethian change.
[Edward screams]
Even dentistry.
Yet our beleaguered ex-King
remains stubbornly cismorphic.
That went too far.
[Granny] Not far enough.
This is the worst case
of delayed onset Ethianism I've seen
since your Uncle Arthur.
I actually cut off one of his toes.
Did it work?
Did it, fuck.
Finally changed
when he got scared of a bee.
Prat.
And then your father
stabbed him to death in his bed
and said it was sweating sickness.
What?
-Nothing.
-[whimpers softly]
Everyone has a trigger.
We just have to find yours.
Granny, enough!
I'm not Ethian.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
I am the King,
-and I command you to let me go.
-[doors open]
[Granny] Well,
that's the spirit.
That's just the sort of energy we need
when you return
to take your rightful place
as England's proud Ethian King.
I have plans for you.
There is a prophecy that began
with a series of dark miracles.
A giant squid leapt from the sea
onto a Kalmar war boat
and ate everyone alive.
In Mesopotamia, a lamb
pawed the ground with his hoof,
and a fountain of the purest
[Author] Oh, golly. He's back.
At this moment,
Edward is realizing two things.
One, no lecture on destiny
has ever pierced his soul
the way a single glimpse
of that feline fellow just did.
And, two
And then we will exterminate
every Verity in the Kingdom.
Exterminate
Verities?
his grandmother is barking mad.
[tense music playing]
[sniffs, groans]
Is that sulfur?
No, dung.
Of the hippopotami.
Yes, yes, I, uh, have a chap.
Yes. [chuckles]
Funny, the pharaohs used it
as a contraceptive.
[chuckles, sniffs] Mm. Preposterous.
It is a powerful healing agent.
No, it isn't. Wipe it off.
Dr. Butts, perhaps some vinegar
Hush, hush, hush, hush.
Do women ever stop,
good gods,
the endless chitter-chatter,
chitter-chatter.
Now, I prescribe
a spoonful of fresh lice
in your breakfast ale
You're fired.
-Are you speaking in tongues?
-You heard me.
You
are fired.
[slick music playing]
-That felt good.
-Jane, a quick word.
[Jane] Gods, what now?
Jane, we have a crisis.
You need to stop blathering
about helping those beasts
-and come to your senses.
-No.
And consolidate your power.
What power?
Half the Court has fucked off back
to their estates with their retainers.
-What?
-[Frances] They left
because of your Ethian agenda.
With soldiers you need.
And how many are still with me?
Well, a handful, at best.
And they all take their cue
from the Duke of Norfolk.
He could up and leave
at a moment's notice.
No nobles, no soldiers.
No soldiers,
no crown. No crown,
no bueno.
[tense music playing]
[Author] Can our plucky heroine
unite the Kingdom
without risking her neck?
[indistinct chatter]
Ah.
So, tell me, Archer,
what are you,
a bunny rabbit?
[laughter]
A bear.
Ooh.
S [growls] Splendid!
Splendid.
Quite cool, actually.
[door opens]
[creaking]
My Lords.
[murmuring]
As you can see, I am fully recovered.
And while we wait for your armies
to find the traitor Mary,
I have decided to hold a tournament
[murmuring]
in joyous anticipation
of my imminent victory.
Jousting, games
and a feast.
Your attendance is required.
[Scrope] I adore a tourney.
If the stars are amiable, of course.
Do you follow the stars, Your Majesty?
Is it a [stammers] compulsory tourney?
You simply must have an astrologer.
Ottoman, preferably.
Borrow mine.
Thank you, Scrope.
Tragically
I have to return home.
My peasants are starving,
and they will not stop bitching about it.
Mm. I insist you accept my invitation.
You shall stay the week.
-All of you.
-[murmuring]
With pleasure, Your Majesty.
Good.
Perhaps you'll even make new friends.
[whimsical music playing]
That is all.
[soft chatter]
[Archer] Your Majesty.
Now they're trapped here
-until their armies arrive.
-Mm-hmm.
[Archer] Clever.
[Jane] Mary is coming.
We need to be ready.
They'll never fight for you
unless you abandon us.
Then we will change their minds.
Teach them not to be afraid.
Men like that don't change.
Bigotry is in their blood.
Then we will make them think
that they have won
until Mary is gone.
And then we'll do it anyway.
You are a very interesting woman.
It's nearly nightfall.
If you'll excuse me.
[soft music playing]
[frogs croaking]
[Author] All Jane wants is
to tell Guildford about Mary,
make amends for their bitter fight
and maybe
Guildford?
cop a snog.
Guildford?
[breathes heavily]
Your Majesty.
Where's Guildford?
Guildford's gone.
Gone?
He left to find a cure.
He left.
Did he say anything else?
Only that
he's sorry and, uh
he didn't think you'd understand.
I see.
[shudders]
[crying softly]
-Dudley.
-[speaking indistinctly]
Your Majesty.
Big news.
I have found us an elephant
for the tournament.
Guildford has left me.
He's gone to look for an Ethian cure.
Did you know he was going?
Do you know where he went?
I did not,
and I do not.
Look, it is the boy's only flaw.
It is right he should desire
to fix himself.
After all, his brilliant wife
did nothing about it.
There is nothing wrong with him.
Ooh.
The Kingdom would disagree.
That's why I must change the Kingdom.
I was an idealist myself once,
when I was young and the world felt fair.
Simple fact is,
humans love to hate.
You're wrong.
Hmm. Am I?
Guildford lost his place
in the world overnight.
Because of you.
You made him feel defective.
You sent him away.
What kind of father does that?
Guildford didn't need a father.
He needed protection.
And I hid him as best I could.
What would you have me do,
abandon my life at Court?
Guildford will return normal,
and you will be glad he did it.
You might even see fit to name him King.
[scoffs]
It's like, well,
I'm an Ethian polecat, right?
And the missus,
she's a juicy little Ethian mouse.
So that's just
Well, that's just fucking tense
to begin with, innit?
[laughs]
You know, polecat and a mouse.
I might gobble her up.
Not in the fun way.
That's why I have to go off on my own
once in a while, you know?
Just be by myself. My whole self.
I'd never change if I had the choice.
[gulps]
You're a horse.
That's not too shabby.
Come on.
Telling me you wouldn't miss
that minute right after it happens,
when your heart's beating like
like gangbusters
and your skin's all
warm and tingly and
for that second,
just that second,
you are totally
free.
How much further?
Relax, mate. All right?
You'll get your money's worth
and we'll have you back with Her Majesty
in no time, Ethian no more.
I do not wish to discuss my wife.
Whatever you say, my Lord.
[Author] As King,
Edward didn't even wipe his own ass.
Someone else did it for him. It's called
"the Groom of the Stool." Look it up.
But now Edward
must finally take his fate
and his ass into his own hands.
[clicking]
Fuck me, it worked.
[energetic music playing]
[grunting]
[panting]
What do you want?
Just to talk.
Is that a butter knife?
Tell me who you are.
-[grunts, panting]
-I'm an actor.
-[grunting]
-Also a thief.
[grunting, panting]
And a rather splendid pickpocket.
On occasion, I do dishes
in exchange for room and board.
-But only if the mark is very interesting.
-[panting]
And I suppose I'm the mark.
Of course. You're the King.
You're worth twice your weight in gold.
How'd you know I was here?
Right place, right time.
I'd wager your safe return
would nab me a small fortune.
Or a big one.
And here I thought you were saving me
out of chivalric tradition.
[chuckles] Sorry, mate.
-Cold, hard cash.
-[chuckles softly]
All right.
I'll pay you.
You were right about this place.
My Granny is absolutely barmy. Alas.
Alas.
Let's go.
[percussive music playing]
And I thought to myself,
"Stan, old chap," I thought,
"How long can you sit here watching
this cockfight before taking a wazz?"
-[chuckles]
-Because you know the second you leave,
you miss the good part. [chuckles]
The death part?
Yeah. Anyway,
long story short, I took that wazz,
and the cock from Lancashire won.
-[laughter]
-Agony.
Psst.
[quietly] Margaret.
[Margaret] A love note?
Really?
[Author] In a time before DMs,
humans wrote love notes.
Would you rather have
no teeth or no fingers?
No fingers.
I really like eating. [chuckles softly]
Hmm.
Approved. Here you go.
[Author] Oh, look.
It appears young Stanley's
written one, too.
Ah, Lord Scrope.
Lady Frances is
-is talking to me?
-I am.
Now, my daughter tells me
you have a rather large
and powerful army.
-Is that true?
-[leather creaking]
Uh, may I regale you with a poem?
I would adore that.
"My lute awake.
Perform the last labor
that thou and I shall waste,
and end that I have now begun.
My lute be still,
for I have done."
You're terribly clever.
It's-it's Wyatt.
Wyatt's my fave.
You know
I would adore
a one-to-one confabulation.
Perhaps in my chambers a little later.
[whimpers]
Margaret.
Give this to your mummy.
[whimsical music playing]
For you. From Stan Dudley.
Sit.
♪
[crying]
[gentle music playing]
[whimsical music playing]
-He hates you.
-[sighs]
Hmm?
Nothing.
[tense music playing]
[seabirds calling in distance]
So, are you from
London originally?
Or the north?
Look,
we get out of here alive,
I'll tell you whatever you want to know.
[tense music playing]
Um, "alive"?
Way out's through there,
but it's locked tight.
I can get the key. Stay here.
Don't move.
[soft whoosh]
[clacking, shattering]
Fitz?
[creaking]
[rats squeaking]
Fitz?
-[woman] [singsongy] Edward.
-[gasps]
[gasps]
[cat yowls]
-A cat in a sack.
-[growling]
Go back to your room, Edward.
Release him.
Oh, Granny will be terribly vexed.
Or
I throw it against the wall so hard
it will be good
-for nothing more than a hand muff.
-No.
-[hissing]
-I'll go with you.
[yowling]
-Whoa!
-[yowls]
[Sheena & the Rokkets:
"You Really Got Me"]
[growling]
[panting]
What the fuck?
-Boy, you really got me goin' ♪
-[grunting]
You got me so I don't know
what I'm doin' now ♪
Yeah, you really got me now ♪
You got me so I can't sleep at night ♪
[yowl]
Oh, yeah ♪
You really got me now ♪
You got me so I don't know
what I'm doin' now ♪
Oh, yeah ♪
You really got me now ♪
You got me so I can't sleep at night ♪
You really got me, you really got me ♪
You really got me ♪
Ah
Amusing story, actually.
I wasn't always sickly.
-Don't ever set me free ♪
-[grunting]
I always want to be by your side ♪
Like all princes,
I was trained for war.
[grunting]
See, don't ever set me free ♪
I always want to be by your side ♪
[grunting]
-[groans]
-Boy ♪
You really got me now ♪
-[groans]
-You got me ♪
So I can't sleep at night ♪
[grunting]
Oh, yeah, you really got me now ♪
You got me so I don't know
what I'm doin' now ♪
Oh, yeah ♪
You really got me now, you got me
You know, Granny was wrong about you,
Edward.
[choking]
You're no Ethian savior.
-[choking]
-[meow]
[soft whoosh]
[gasping]
[jangling, thud]
[panting]
-You saved me.
-You saved me first.
-No one's ever done that for me before.
-Really?
[grunts, panting] Let's get
the fuck out of here.
[thunder rumbling]
[Author] Broken heart syndrome,
also called stress-induced cardiomyopathy,
can strike down
even the healthiest of individuals.
But fear not
Jane doesn't have anything of the sort.
She merely feels winded, breathless,
sickened, jaundiced
and rather like someone has just plunged
a claw into her chest
and ripped out her soul,
leaving behind only the cold
but dependable comfort of
her career.
Tell Charles to ask everyone
to meet me outside for the tourney.
[thunder crashes]
[exhales]
[thunder continues rumbling]
Rain in England.
I don't believe it.
I'd planned magic.
Magic, jugglers, jousters,
a real elephant.
Best part was we were gonna eat him
afterwards as well.
Dinner and a show.
Now it's all bollocksed!
[Jane] Maybe not.
This is an utter failure.
I don't fail.
[Author] Bullshit.
-Jane fails constantly.
-[Goldfrapp: "Ooh La La"]
But her hierarchy of needs is clear
keep the nobility close, get their armies,
fight Mary, save the Kingdom.
Ta-da!
[chuckles]
What fresh hell is this?
We're bowling.
[thunder crashes]
I promised you a tourney
while we await your armies.
This rain won't stop us.
Who's with me?
Dial up my
-A snaffle! I scored a snaffle!
-[exclaiming]
[Author] What's a snaffle, you query?
When it comes to Tudor sports,
don't overthink it.
Remember, these people
drink wine for breakfast.
[gasping, cheering]
Well done, darling.
Don't want it Baudelaire ♪
-Just glitter lust ♪
-[gasping, laughter]
Switch me on ♪
Turn me up ♪
[groaning]
I want to touch you ♪
You're just made for love ♪
I need la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
I need ooh, la, la, la, la ♪
-[gasping]
-I need la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
-I need ooh, la, la, la, la ♪♪
-My go, my go.
[gasping]
[stammers] Lord Scrope.
May I may I tend to you
-in my chambers?
-Oh, Lady Frances. Thank you.
[scoffs] Are you shagging that tool?
[Frances] No, darling, you do s
-Why are you ignoring me?
-[grunts]
Because your family is tainted.
Your Lordship,
ease yourself up.
Oh, that looks so painful.
[Scrope] Thank you, Lady Frances.
Your hands are like butter.
[Author] Jane is realizing
that sometimes diplomacy
is merely the art of cajoling
difficult people
into speaking to one another.
Archer.
Norfolk.
How chivalrous you both are,
letting everyone else play first.
It's your turn now.
Partner together against me and Dudley.
[Archer/Norfolk] I'm not
partnering with him.
How can we work together
if we can't even play a game of bowls?
Fine.
I'll play against him.
Let's make this interesting.
If I win
Division Law remains.
I accept the terms.
Archer.
If I win, Division Law ends.
[thunder rumbles]
The future of our Kingdom
cannot come down to a silly bet.
Uh, I think Norfolk's idea
is a capital one.
After all, it's how we divided Brittany
with the French.
[tense music playing]
-[whispers] Trust me.
-[thunder rumbling]
Katherine.
I'm-I'm sorry.
That note was so stupid
-and silly and just
-It wasn't.
I'm sorry for
"Every heart sings a song incomplete
until another heart whispers back."
Your words are
beautiful.
It's Plato.
Ah.
I knew that. [chuckles softly]
No, you didn't.
-Yes, you're right. I didn't. [chuckles]
-[laughing]
If you can't tell,
I-I've never really courted anyone before.
I've
never really been courted.
Weren't you married?
Yes.
For about 16 and a half hours.
[chuckles softly]
I must be the only widow in the world
who hasn't even been kissed.
We'll have to do something about that.
My apologies.
That was awfully forward of me.
Mm
[gentle music playing]
[thunder rumbling]
Ahem.
-[gasps]
-What on earth
is going on?
-[stammering]
-Mother, I
-I had something in my mouth. My eye.
-I
Yes. Looks like we got it.
-Leave.
-Righty ho.
If you want to indulge in a casual affair,
I applaud it.
I've had plenty of my own.
But you cannot carry on like that with the
son of the man who wants to kill us all.
What did you say?
That is William Seymour.
Lord Seymour's son and heir.
But that's impossible.
He's-he's Norfolk's aide.
He's Norfolk's ward,
fostered out as a child,
like all noble sons.
Which you would know
if your father had lived.
Or if you had a brother.
Or if I found myself remotely interested
in keeping up with the lives of men.
He never told me.
He's probably a spy for his father,
using you to get to Jane.
You cannot see him again.
Do you understand?
I forbid it.
Yes, Mother.
-[The Go-Go's: "This Town"]
-[Author] This is it, chaps.
The future of the Kingdom comes down
to a mano a mano bowling match.
[gasping]
How wise.
We all know the chosen toys ♪
Of catty girls ♪
And pretty boys, make up that face ♪
-Jump in the race ♪
-Yes.
Life's a kick in this town ♪
-[gasping]
-[thunder rumbling]
Life's a kick ♪
-In this town ♪
-[groans]
Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
-This town is our town ♪
-[gasping]
-This town ♪
-It is so glamorous
[Jane] Well done.
How do you play so well?
I've played since I was a boy.
[Norfolk] That's impossible.
King Henry outlawed bowls for commoners.
But my father was Baron Hunsdon.
-[gasping]
-[grunts]
[Jane] What?
You're Baz's boy?
He's Baz's son.
You're a nobleman?
I heard that Baz's boy had died.
A cover story.
When I changed,
my family sent me to France
to live in safety.
Could've stayed there,
but I realized my home is here.
In England.
Norfolk,
you said you knew one Ethian.
I promise, you know hundreds.
We're everywhere.
And all Verities need to accept
that we're here to stay.
-Game over.
-[gasping]
Shufflebum.
-[chuckles softly]
-[Norfolk] Ah!
-I call a grouse.
-[gasping]
One shot each?
Winner takes all? Can he do that?
[Dudley] Unfortunately, he can.
Is our town ♪
-This town ♪
-It is so glamorous ♪
Bet you'd live here if you could ♪
And be one of us ♪
[grunts]
[gasping]
-Yes!
-[gasping, cheering]
[Author] Oh
bollocks.
[Dudley] Good shot.
Difficult to beat.
♪
This town is our town ♪
-This town ♪
-It is so glamorous ♪
Bet you'd live here if you could ♪
And be one of us ♪
[gasping]
This town ♪♪
-[gasping, cheering]
-[groans]
-[grunts]
-[applause]
[stammers] No, Your Majesty,
I-I demand a do-over!
The beast has been using
his animal powers!
No. Norfolk, you lost.
We shall all assemble this time tomorrow
in the Great Hall
to sign into effect
the end of Division Law.
[indistinct chatter]
[Norfolk] Gods.
-[groans]
-[gasping]
[whimpers]
Oh, my.
[gasping]
I say, quite sure
we shouldn't call Dr. Butts?
I fired him.
Why?
I love that guy.
Dad told me Guildford left you.
I mean,
uh, the Palace.
Didn't even say goodbye.
The thing about Dudleys is
our hearts are in the right place.
We just
do really dumb stuff sometimes.
Truth is, Stan,
we got into a terrible fight.
-[sighs] I pushed him too far.
-[groans]
I don't know. It's like
-Sometimes I don't know how to stop.
-[groaning]
I should have been more kind.
He's nuts about you.
He's just on a quest.
N I thought quests
were meant to be noble
-and pure.
-It is. Guildford's quest
is to forgive himself for
Oh, shitballs.
-Forgive himself?
-[sighs]
For what?
I talk too much.
Dad always says it's because,
one time, when I was six,
I found a very strange
but beautiful mushroom.
I ate it.
For weeks afterwards, I smelled colors.
-I was convinced I had four bollocks
-Stan.
Please.
When he comes back
and he will come back
you can ask him yourself.
[knocking]
[Jane] Scrope.
Your Majesty.
May I have a word?
Yes, of course.
Your soldiers.
Stan, we'll finish this later.
[chair scraping]
[creaking]
[quietly] Oh, fuck me.
Your Majesty.
I had planned to do this ensuingly.
But given your
distressing political predicament
and the fact that my astrologer
has pointed out
the many favorable aspects of the day
for my own personal amorous ambitions
and the futures
of our potential offspring
-What?
-Your Majesty,
I feel it is incumbent upon me
to boldly offer to take
your hand
in marriage.
Consider the full force of my army
your engagement present.
You can't propose to me, Scrope.
-I'm already married.
-Uh,
hello.
Hardly.
I have it on good authority
that your husband is never coming back.
Really?
Whose authority is that?
Why, your mother, of course.
[tense music playing]
[insects trilling]
Let's eat,
have a bit of a rest
and we'll pick this journey up tomorrow
when you're a horse.
[grunts]
Can I ride you?
[mimics hoofbeats]
You won't notice I'm there.
No.
[grunts]
I'm gonna catch us
a squirrel or something to roast.
That is assuming his fancy-pants Lordships
knows how to start a fire.
Yes, I know how to start a fire.
Good.
Have at it then.
[soft whoosh]
[eerie music playing]
[Author] Guildford is so close
to making his dream come true.
But the problem
with pursuing a dream is, of course,
not the dream itself
but the tunnel vision required
for its pursuit,
blinding one to the pleasure
of simply being alive.
And being alive is rather wonderful.
[grunts]
While it lasts.
How dare you!
I say, are you drunk?
You told that idiot Scrope
that I would marry him,
that Guildford is never coming back.
Yes, I did. And do you want to know why?
Please.
Because an alliance with Scrope
guarantees our survival.
His father and brothers recently died,
which means that he's just inherited
one of the largest armies in the Kingdom.
He is a moron, I know.
But he is loyal
and will be easy to control.
You had no right.
So while you're planning
your silly tourneys
and flirting with your new pet beast,
Mary is gathering her forces
and she will come for you.
You should be focusing on that.
But, oh, no,
instead, you'd rather waste your time on
some ill-fated "save the Ethians" crusade
and mourn a man who abandoned you
for a beast cure.
I never told you that.
No.
Oh, well,
Dudley did.
No, he didn't.
He's too ashamed.
[chair creaking, scraping]
I know you.
What did you do to Guildford?
What did you do?
Please tell me!
You should thank me.
He's gone.
And we're all safer for it.
[shuddering]
[distorted forest sounds]
[eerie music playing]
[jangling]
[tense music playing]
[shuddering]
[grunts]
Untie me.
Now!
Hello, horsey.
You vile fuck.
You think I'm vile, mate,
just wait till you meet the Beast Trader.
[breathing heavily]
What the fuck is a Beast Trader?
[grunting]
Help me!
-Scream all you like.
-Somebody!
No one will hear you.
Help!
[Rupert] Your Majesty.
What are you doing?
-Guildford's in danger.
-What?
I need to find him.
It's all my fault.
Your Majesty, none of this is your fault.
What do you mean?
Ethians killed his mother.
Right in front of him.
He can't change that.
But he can find a cure.
Let me go.
I'll find him.
And I will bring him home.
[horse snorts]
Please.
Please, just let me go.
Why would I do that?
Give me one reason.
Jane.
Jane is the reason.
Jane, your wife?
True love.
[sighs]
All right.
[grunts]
So let's make a plan.
I'll take you back to the Palace
to see Her Majesty.
And then I'll
crack you over the head with another stick
and drag you all the way back out here.
[chuckles]
Listen to me! Listen to me! [pants]
I will earn you nothing
if you don't take this monstrosity
[panting]
off me. [panting]
The sun will rise,
my neck will break, I will change
and then I will die!
And then you will be cured.
-[panting]
-But don't worry.
Beast Trader will be here soon.
She's never late.
[panting]
A drink.
Grant me the dignity
of one last drink. [panting]
Fuck it. Why not?
[jangling]
[scoffs]
Please.
-[yells]
-[groaning]
[panting, grunting]
[grunting]
[panting]
[grunts]
[panting]
Give me the fucking key!
[grunting]
[panting]
[grunts] Beast Trader
has the only other key, my Lord.
-[breathing heavily]
-[laughing]
You bellend.
[panting]
Run! Run!
[laughs]
Dawn is coming!
[panting]
[dramatic music playing]
Help!
Help! Please.
What in the gods
Please. [panting] Please.
Please help.
[panting]
I'm [panting]
I'm Ethian.
[panting]
And if this doesn't come off me
before sunrise, I'll die! Please!
[panting] Please help.
Ethian.
Get up.
[tense music playing]
Come over here.
[breathing heavily]
[grunting]
[panting]
Thank you. Thank you.
[Author] For the first time ever,
Guildford is desperate for dawn to break.
To change.
And to return to the Palace.
To return
to Jane.
[soaring music playing]
They've gone! They've gone.
-What?
-Norfolk
and Scrope have absconded.
They have left like thieves
in the proverbial night.
You can kiss their armies goodbye.
-They've gone?
-And Mary
has been sighted on the London Road
with 10,000 men.
Your Majesty.
We are out of allies!
[Jane] No, we are not.
[tense music playing]
-[knocking]
-[door opens]
Archer, how many people
can you rally to fight for me?
-What's wrong?
-The nobility are gone.
Mary is coming with her army.
We need to fight.
I will not send Ethians to be slaughtered.
I thought you came back to England
because you wanted it to change.
I came back here
because my father was dying.
I stayed because I hoped
change was possible.
But I'm sick of fighting a losing war.
Yes, but now I am fighting, too.
I wish it were enough.
But we've made other plans.
Why did you stay when I asked you?
I don't know.
Maybe I shouldn't have.
♪
[Jane] When people find out
what I've done, they will support me.
[Archer] I doubt that.
Where are you going?
Did you not see me?
Stanley!
I ignored you.
I am ignoring you.
[laughs] Why?
I know what you did to Guildford.
I heard you speaking with Jane.
You sent my brother to die.
You are nothing but a murderess.
If you need someone to blame,
blame yourself.
You told me what he was.
You put your cock above your brother.
-Ew.
-You know what I mean.
-You're leaving?
-Hmm.
[Frances] What have you heard?
Stanley, come back here now!
You!
Order the Royal Coach immediately!
-[Chinchilla: "The Chain"]
-Watch the sun
[Author] Despite everything, Jane still
believes goodness will overcome bigotry,
hope will overcome fear
and when people are given
the chance to do the right thing,
they will.
Division Laws are abolished.
[doors opening]
What do you think?
Jane! We have to run!
It's over.
-Jane, please.
-No.
Listen to me. If you don't escape now,
you'll die.
Look! See?
We do have support.
-Everything's fine. Norfolk is back.
-[Norfolk] Ah.
Jane.
Norfolk.
You've returned.
With your army?
You've pushed things too far.
[approaching footsteps]
Take her.
Take them all.
The Coach is waiting.
Go. Go now.
Oh, yeah ♪
Yeah ♪
-Yeah, yeah ♪
-[protesting]
Leave me alone!
[vocalizing]
Chain ♪
Keep us together ♪
Oh ♪
Chain ♪
Keep us together ♪
Oh ♪
-Oh ♪
-Chain ♪
Keep us together ♪♪
[Author] Jane Grey is thoroughly fucked.
[atmospheric music playing]
♪
♪
♪
[Jane] Mary killed Edward
and tried to kill me.
We have no proof.
My Lords! I am disbanding
the Kingsland Guards.
They are finished.
[Mary] I want Jane Grey's head on a pike,
-and I need your army.
-Sack Seymour.
And I'll send 5,000 men to fight for you.
[Frances] Guildford Dudley is a horse.
End this marriage
or I will make you end it.
No, you shall not.
What if I didn't want a divorce?
What if you didn't?
-[pants]
-I don't know what to do.
-[grunting]
-[Guildford] I can show you.
You invited Ethians
to your Coronation Banquet?
[Jane] We must again live side by side.
We must end Division Laws.
[screaming]
-[Jane] Guildford, you don't need a cure.
-Jane, please shut up.
It is this Kingdom that needs to change.
I could heal England.
Fuck England! Heal me!
I trusted you.
-[whimpers]
-Why are you following me?
I just came to tell you
there is an Ethian cure.
And I know where to get it.
[Jane] A witness has come forward
to confirm
King Edward's killers.
Lord Seymour and Princess Mary.
-Arrest them.
-[Author] That's right, my darlings.
Princess Mary is fleeing.
She's gone.
[Tropical Fuck Storm: "Stayin' Alive"]
[Author] As you're doubtless aware,
dopamine is a neurotransmitter
that gives humans the ability to feel joy.
The traitor Mary has fled.
[Author] And nothing triggers euphoria
as intensely as having
your regicidal nemesis on the run.
Goddamn, what a rush.
I will not rest until she is captured.
You will all send your armies
to search the Kingdom
[Norfolk] Not so fast,
Your Majesty.
[Author] Sadly for Jane,
Tudor monarchs don't have armies.
They have to borrow them.
Which means she needs these assholes.
Are we correct to assume
that you have reneged on
your passionate plea to end Division Law?
[murmuring]
No.
[gasping]
♪
I shall end Division Law.
Our Kingdom needs unity.
And a leader
who is willing to fight for it.
Each of you will pledge me 10,000 men.
Whatever Mary does next, we will be ready.
-Long live Queen Mary!
-[screaming]
Stayin' alive ♪
-[yelling]
-[grunting]
Margaret, come here.
-[pants]
-[Dudley] An assassin
-sent by the traitor Mary!
-Are you all right?
Uh-huh.
[Dudley] Stand up.
Keep smiling. You are alive.
Fear not!
The villain is dead.
-The show is over. Disperse, everyone.
-[indistinct chatter]
Disperse, people.
[Author] As Jane looks around,
she realizes none of these men
care about the attempt
just made on her life.
They only care about power.
They're wondering if she's weak.
Failing.
Doomed.
[dramatic music playing]
Meanwhile, Granny is trying everything
possible to force Edward's Ethian change.
[Edward screams]
Even dentistry.
Yet our beleaguered ex-King
remains stubbornly cismorphic.
That went too far.
[Granny] Not far enough.
This is the worst case
of delayed onset Ethianism I've seen
since your Uncle Arthur.
I actually cut off one of his toes.
Did it work?
Did it, fuck.
Finally changed
when he got scared of a bee.
Prat.
And then your father
stabbed him to death in his bed
and said it was sweating sickness.
What?
-Nothing.
-[whimpers softly]
Everyone has a trigger.
We just have to find yours.
Granny, enough!
I'm not Ethian.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
I am the King,
-and I command you to let me go.
-[doors open]
[Granny] Well,
that's the spirit.
That's just the sort of energy we need
when you return
to take your rightful place
as England's proud Ethian King.
I have plans for you.
There is a prophecy that began
with a series of dark miracles.
A giant squid leapt from the sea
onto a Kalmar war boat
and ate everyone alive.
In Mesopotamia, a lamb
pawed the ground with his hoof,
and a fountain of the purest
[Author] Oh, golly. He's back.
At this moment,
Edward is realizing two things.
One, no lecture on destiny
has ever pierced his soul
the way a single glimpse
of that feline fellow just did.
And, two
And then we will exterminate
every Verity in the Kingdom.
Exterminate
Verities?
his grandmother is barking mad.
[tense music playing]
[sniffs, groans]
Is that sulfur?
No, dung.
Of the hippopotami.
Yes, yes, I, uh, have a chap.
Yes. [chuckles]
Funny, the pharaohs used it
as a contraceptive.
[chuckles, sniffs] Mm. Preposterous.
It is a powerful healing agent.
No, it isn't. Wipe it off.
Dr. Butts, perhaps some vinegar
Hush, hush, hush, hush.
Do women ever stop,
good gods,
the endless chitter-chatter,
chitter-chatter.
Now, I prescribe
a spoonful of fresh lice
in your breakfast ale
You're fired.
-Are you speaking in tongues?
-You heard me.
You
are fired.
[slick music playing]
-That felt good.
-Jane, a quick word.
[Jane] Gods, what now?
Jane, we have a crisis.
You need to stop blathering
about helping those beasts
-and come to your senses.
-No.
And consolidate your power.
What power?
Half the Court has fucked off back
to their estates with their retainers.
-What?
-[Frances] They left
because of your Ethian agenda.
With soldiers you need.
And how many are still with me?
Well, a handful, at best.
And they all take their cue
from the Duke of Norfolk.
He could up and leave
at a moment's notice.
No nobles, no soldiers.
No soldiers,
no crown. No crown,
no bueno.
[tense music playing]
[Author] Can our plucky heroine
unite the Kingdom
without risking her neck?
[indistinct chatter]
Ah.
So, tell me, Archer,
what are you,
a bunny rabbit?
[laughter]
A bear.
Ooh.
S [growls] Splendid!
Splendid.
Quite cool, actually.
[door opens]
[creaking]
My Lords.
[murmuring]
As you can see, I am fully recovered.
And while we wait for your armies
to find the traitor Mary,
I have decided to hold a tournament
[murmuring]
in joyous anticipation
of my imminent victory.
Jousting, games
and a feast.
Your attendance is required.
[Scrope] I adore a tourney.
If the stars are amiable, of course.
Do you follow the stars, Your Majesty?
Is it a [stammers] compulsory tourney?
You simply must have an astrologer.
Ottoman, preferably.
Borrow mine.
Thank you, Scrope.
Tragically
I have to return home.
My peasants are starving,
and they will not stop bitching about it.
Mm. I insist you accept my invitation.
You shall stay the week.
-All of you.
-[murmuring]
With pleasure, Your Majesty.
Good.
Perhaps you'll even make new friends.
[whimsical music playing]
That is all.
[soft chatter]
[Archer] Your Majesty.
Now they're trapped here
-until their armies arrive.
-Mm-hmm.
[Archer] Clever.
[Jane] Mary is coming.
We need to be ready.
They'll never fight for you
unless you abandon us.
Then we will change their minds.
Teach them not to be afraid.
Men like that don't change.
Bigotry is in their blood.
Then we will make them think
that they have won
until Mary is gone.
And then we'll do it anyway.
You are a very interesting woman.
It's nearly nightfall.
If you'll excuse me.
[soft music playing]
[frogs croaking]
[Author] All Jane wants is
to tell Guildford about Mary,
make amends for their bitter fight
and maybe
Guildford?
cop a snog.
Guildford?
[breathes heavily]
Your Majesty.
Where's Guildford?
Guildford's gone.
Gone?
He left to find a cure.
He left.
Did he say anything else?
Only that
he's sorry and, uh
he didn't think you'd understand.
I see.
[shudders]
[crying softly]
-Dudley.
-[speaking indistinctly]
Your Majesty.
Big news.
I have found us an elephant
for the tournament.
Guildford has left me.
He's gone to look for an Ethian cure.
Did you know he was going?
Do you know where he went?
I did not,
and I do not.
Look, it is the boy's only flaw.
It is right he should desire
to fix himself.
After all, his brilliant wife
did nothing about it.
There is nothing wrong with him.
Ooh.
The Kingdom would disagree.
That's why I must change the Kingdom.
I was an idealist myself once,
when I was young and the world felt fair.
Simple fact is,
humans love to hate.
You're wrong.
Hmm. Am I?
Guildford lost his place
in the world overnight.
Because of you.
You made him feel defective.
You sent him away.
What kind of father does that?
Guildford didn't need a father.
He needed protection.
And I hid him as best I could.
What would you have me do,
abandon my life at Court?
Guildford will return normal,
and you will be glad he did it.
You might even see fit to name him King.
[scoffs]
It's like, well,
I'm an Ethian polecat, right?
And the missus,
she's a juicy little Ethian mouse.
So that's just
Well, that's just fucking tense
to begin with, innit?
[laughs]
You know, polecat and a mouse.
I might gobble her up.
Not in the fun way.
That's why I have to go off on my own
once in a while, you know?
Just be by myself. My whole self.
I'd never change if I had the choice.
[gulps]
You're a horse.
That's not too shabby.
Come on.
Telling me you wouldn't miss
that minute right after it happens,
when your heart's beating like
like gangbusters
and your skin's all
warm and tingly and
for that second,
just that second,
you are totally
free.
How much further?
Relax, mate. All right?
You'll get your money's worth
and we'll have you back with Her Majesty
in no time, Ethian no more.
I do not wish to discuss my wife.
Whatever you say, my Lord.
[Author] As King,
Edward didn't even wipe his own ass.
Someone else did it for him. It's called
"the Groom of the Stool." Look it up.
But now Edward
must finally take his fate
and his ass into his own hands.
[clicking]
Fuck me, it worked.
[energetic music playing]
[grunting]
[panting]
What do you want?
Just to talk.
Is that a butter knife?
Tell me who you are.
-[grunts, panting]
-I'm an actor.
-[grunting]
-Also a thief.
[grunting, panting]
And a rather splendid pickpocket.
On occasion, I do dishes
in exchange for room and board.
-But only if the mark is very interesting.
-[panting]
And I suppose I'm the mark.
Of course. You're the King.
You're worth twice your weight in gold.
How'd you know I was here?
Right place, right time.
I'd wager your safe return
would nab me a small fortune.
Or a big one.
And here I thought you were saving me
out of chivalric tradition.
[chuckles] Sorry, mate.
-Cold, hard cash.
-[chuckles softly]
All right.
I'll pay you.
You were right about this place.
My Granny is absolutely barmy. Alas.
Alas.
Let's go.
[percussive music playing]
And I thought to myself,
"Stan, old chap," I thought,
"How long can you sit here watching
this cockfight before taking a wazz?"
-[chuckles]
-Because you know the second you leave,
you miss the good part. [chuckles]
The death part?
Yeah. Anyway,
long story short, I took that wazz,
and the cock from Lancashire won.
-[laughter]
-Agony.
Psst.
[quietly] Margaret.
[Margaret] A love note?
Really?
[Author] In a time before DMs,
humans wrote love notes.
Would you rather have
no teeth or no fingers?
No fingers.
I really like eating. [chuckles softly]
Hmm.
Approved. Here you go.
[Author] Oh, look.
It appears young Stanley's
written one, too.
Ah, Lord Scrope.
Lady Frances is
-is talking to me?
-I am.
Now, my daughter tells me
you have a rather large
and powerful army.
-Is that true?
-[leather creaking]
Uh, may I regale you with a poem?
I would adore that.
"My lute awake.
Perform the last labor
that thou and I shall waste,
and end that I have now begun.
My lute be still,
for I have done."
You're terribly clever.
It's-it's Wyatt.
Wyatt's my fave.
You know
I would adore
a one-to-one confabulation.
Perhaps in my chambers a little later.
[whimpers]
Margaret.
Give this to your mummy.
[whimsical music playing]
For you. From Stan Dudley.
Sit.
♪
[crying]
[gentle music playing]
[whimsical music playing]
-He hates you.
-[sighs]
Hmm?
Nothing.
[tense music playing]
[seabirds calling in distance]
So, are you from
London originally?
Or the north?
Look,
we get out of here alive,
I'll tell you whatever you want to know.
[tense music playing]
Um, "alive"?
Way out's through there,
but it's locked tight.
I can get the key. Stay here.
Don't move.
[soft whoosh]
[clacking, shattering]
Fitz?
[creaking]
[rats squeaking]
Fitz?
-[woman] [singsongy] Edward.
-[gasps]
[gasps]
[cat yowls]
-A cat in a sack.
-[growling]
Go back to your room, Edward.
Release him.
Oh, Granny will be terribly vexed.
Or
I throw it against the wall so hard
it will be good
-for nothing more than a hand muff.
-No.
-[hissing]
-I'll go with you.
[yowling]
-Whoa!
-[yowls]
[Sheena & the Rokkets:
"You Really Got Me"]
[growling]
[panting]
What the fuck?
-Boy, you really got me goin' ♪
-[grunting]
You got me so I don't know
what I'm doin' now ♪
Yeah, you really got me now ♪
You got me so I can't sleep at night ♪
[yowl]
Oh, yeah ♪
You really got me now ♪
You got me so I don't know
what I'm doin' now ♪
Oh, yeah ♪
You really got me now ♪
You got me so I can't sleep at night ♪
You really got me, you really got me ♪
You really got me ♪
Ah
Amusing story, actually.
I wasn't always sickly.
-Don't ever set me free ♪
-[grunting]
I always want to be by your side ♪
Like all princes,
I was trained for war.
[grunting]
See, don't ever set me free ♪
I always want to be by your side ♪
[grunting]
-[groans]
-Boy ♪
You really got me now ♪
-[groans]
-You got me ♪
So I can't sleep at night ♪
[grunting]
Oh, yeah, you really got me now ♪
You got me so I don't know
what I'm doin' now ♪
Oh, yeah ♪
You really got me now, you got me
You know, Granny was wrong about you,
Edward.
[choking]
You're no Ethian savior.
-[choking]
-[meow]
[soft whoosh]
[gasping]
[jangling, thud]
[panting]
-You saved me.
-You saved me first.
-No one's ever done that for me before.
-Really?
[grunts, panting] Let's get
the fuck out of here.
[thunder rumbling]
[Author] Broken heart syndrome,
also called stress-induced cardiomyopathy,
can strike down
even the healthiest of individuals.
But fear not
Jane doesn't have anything of the sort.
She merely feels winded, breathless,
sickened, jaundiced
and rather like someone has just plunged
a claw into her chest
and ripped out her soul,
leaving behind only the cold
but dependable comfort of
her career.
Tell Charles to ask everyone
to meet me outside for the tourney.
[thunder crashes]
[exhales]
[thunder continues rumbling]
Rain in England.
I don't believe it.
I'd planned magic.
Magic, jugglers, jousters,
a real elephant.
Best part was we were gonna eat him
afterwards as well.
Dinner and a show.
Now it's all bollocksed!
[Jane] Maybe not.
This is an utter failure.
I don't fail.
[Author] Bullshit.
-Jane fails constantly.
-[Goldfrapp: "Ooh La La"]
But her hierarchy of needs is clear
keep the nobility close, get their armies,
fight Mary, save the Kingdom.
Ta-da!
[chuckles]
What fresh hell is this?
We're bowling.
[thunder crashes]
I promised you a tourney
while we await your armies.
This rain won't stop us.
Who's with me?
Dial up my
-A snaffle! I scored a snaffle!
-[exclaiming]
[Author] What's a snaffle, you query?
When it comes to Tudor sports,
don't overthink it.
Remember, these people
drink wine for breakfast.
[gasping, cheering]
Well done, darling.
Don't want it Baudelaire ♪
-Just glitter lust ♪
-[gasping, laughter]
Switch me on ♪
Turn me up ♪
[groaning]
I want to touch you ♪
You're just made for love ♪
I need la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
I need ooh, la, la, la, la ♪
-[gasping]
-I need la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
-I need ooh, la, la, la, la ♪♪
-My go, my go.
[gasping]
[stammers] Lord Scrope.
May I may I tend to you
-in my chambers?
-Oh, Lady Frances. Thank you.
[scoffs] Are you shagging that tool?
[Frances] No, darling, you do s
-Why are you ignoring me?
-[grunts]
Because your family is tainted.
Your Lordship,
ease yourself up.
Oh, that looks so painful.
[Scrope] Thank you, Lady Frances.
Your hands are like butter.
[Author] Jane is realizing
that sometimes diplomacy
is merely the art of cajoling
difficult people
into speaking to one another.
Archer.
Norfolk.
How chivalrous you both are,
letting everyone else play first.
It's your turn now.
Partner together against me and Dudley.
[Archer/Norfolk] I'm not
partnering with him.
How can we work together
if we can't even play a game of bowls?
Fine.
I'll play against him.
Let's make this interesting.
If I win
Division Law remains.
I accept the terms.
Archer.
If I win, Division Law ends.
[thunder rumbles]
The future of our Kingdom
cannot come down to a silly bet.
Uh, I think Norfolk's idea
is a capital one.
After all, it's how we divided Brittany
with the French.
[tense music playing]
-[whispers] Trust me.
-[thunder rumbling]
Katherine.
I'm-I'm sorry.
That note was so stupid
-and silly and just
-It wasn't.
I'm sorry for
"Every heart sings a song incomplete
until another heart whispers back."
Your words are
beautiful.
It's Plato.
Ah.
I knew that. [chuckles softly]
No, you didn't.
-Yes, you're right. I didn't. [chuckles]
-[laughing]
If you can't tell,
I-I've never really courted anyone before.
I've
never really been courted.
Weren't you married?
Yes.
For about 16 and a half hours.
[chuckles softly]
I must be the only widow in the world
who hasn't even been kissed.
We'll have to do something about that.
My apologies.
That was awfully forward of me.
Mm
[gentle music playing]
[thunder rumbling]
Ahem.
-[gasps]
-What on earth
is going on?
-[stammering]
-Mother, I
-I had something in my mouth. My eye.
-I
Yes. Looks like we got it.
-Leave.
-Righty ho.
If you want to indulge in a casual affair,
I applaud it.
I've had plenty of my own.
But you cannot carry on like that with the
son of the man who wants to kill us all.
What did you say?
That is William Seymour.
Lord Seymour's son and heir.
But that's impossible.
He's-he's Norfolk's aide.
He's Norfolk's ward,
fostered out as a child,
like all noble sons.
Which you would know
if your father had lived.
Or if you had a brother.
Or if I found myself remotely interested
in keeping up with the lives of men.
He never told me.
He's probably a spy for his father,
using you to get to Jane.
You cannot see him again.
Do you understand?
I forbid it.
Yes, Mother.
-[The Go-Go's: "This Town"]
-[Author] This is it, chaps.
The future of the Kingdom comes down
to a mano a mano bowling match.
[gasping]
How wise.
We all know the chosen toys ♪
Of catty girls ♪
And pretty boys, make up that face ♪
-Jump in the race ♪
-Yes.
Life's a kick in this town ♪
-[gasping]
-[thunder rumbling]
Life's a kick ♪
-In this town ♪
-[groans]
Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
-This town is our town ♪
-[gasping]
-This town ♪
-It is so glamorous
[Jane] Well done.
How do you play so well?
I've played since I was a boy.
[Norfolk] That's impossible.
King Henry outlawed bowls for commoners.
But my father was Baron Hunsdon.
-[gasping]
-[grunts]
[Jane] What?
You're Baz's boy?
He's Baz's son.
You're a nobleman?
I heard that Baz's boy had died.
A cover story.
When I changed,
my family sent me to France
to live in safety.
Could've stayed there,
but I realized my home is here.
In England.
Norfolk,
you said you knew one Ethian.
I promise, you know hundreds.
We're everywhere.
And all Verities need to accept
that we're here to stay.
-Game over.
-[gasping]
Shufflebum.
-[chuckles softly]
-[Norfolk] Ah!
-I call a grouse.
-[gasping]
One shot each?
Winner takes all? Can he do that?
[Dudley] Unfortunately, he can.
Is our town ♪
-This town ♪
-It is so glamorous ♪
Bet you'd live here if you could ♪
And be one of us ♪
[grunts]
[gasping]
-Yes!
-[gasping, cheering]
[Author] Oh
bollocks.
[Dudley] Good shot.
Difficult to beat.
♪
This town is our town ♪
-This town ♪
-It is so glamorous ♪
Bet you'd live here if you could ♪
And be one of us ♪
[gasping]
This town ♪♪
-[gasping, cheering]
-[groans]
-[grunts]
-[applause]
[stammers] No, Your Majesty,
I-I demand a do-over!
The beast has been using
his animal powers!
No. Norfolk, you lost.
We shall all assemble this time tomorrow
in the Great Hall
to sign into effect
the end of Division Law.
[indistinct chatter]
[Norfolk] Gods.
-[groans]
-[gasping]
[whimpers]
Oh, my.
[gasping]
I say, quite sure
we shouldn't call Dr. Butts?
I fired him.
Why?
I love that guy.
Dad told me Guildford left you.
I mean,
uh, the Palace.
Didn't even say goodbye.
The thing about Dudleys is
our hearts are in the right place.
We just
do really dumb stuff sometimes.
Truth is, Stan,
we got into a terrible fight.
-[sighs] I pushed him too far.
-[groans]
I don't know. It's like
-Sometimes I don't know how to stop.
-[groaning]
I should have been more kind.
He's nuts about you.
He's just on a quest.
N I thought quests
were meant to be noble
-and pure.
-It is. Guildford's quest
is to forgive himself for
Oh, shitballs.
-Forgive himself?
-[sighs]
For what?
I talk too much.
Dad always says it's because,
one time, when I was six,
I found a very strange
but beautiful mushroom.
I ate it.
For weeks afterwards, I smelled colors.
-I was convinced I had four bollocks
-Stan.
Please.
When he comes back
and he will come back
you can ask him yourself.
[knocking]
[Jane] Scrope.
Your Majesty.
May I have a word?
Yes, of course.
Your soldiers.
Stan, we'll finish this later.
[chair scraping]
[creaking]
[quietly] Oh, fuck me.
Your Majesty.
I had planned to do this ensuingly.
But given your
distressing political predicament
and the fact that my astrologer
has pointed out
the many favorable aspects of the day
for my own personal amorous ambitions
and the futures
of our potential offspring
-What?
-Your Majesty,
I feel it is incumbent upon me
to boldly offer to take
your hand
in marriage.
Consider the full force of my army
your engagement present.
You can't propose to me, Scrope.
-I'm already married.
-Uh,
hello.
Hardly.
I have it on good authority
that your husband is never coming back.
Really?
Whose authority is that?
Why, your mother, of course.
[tense music playing]
[insects trilling]
Let's eat,
have a bit of a rest
and we'll pick this journey up tomorrow
when you're a horse.
[grunts]
Can I ride you?
[mimics hoofbeats]
You won't notice I'm there.
No.
[grunts]
I'm gonna catch us
a squirrel or something to roast.
That is assuming his fancy-pants Lordships
knows how to start a fire.
Yes, I know how to start a fire.
Good.
Have at it then.
[soft whoosh]
[eerie music playing]
[Author] Guildford is so close
to making his dream come true.
But the problem
with pursuing a dream is, of course,
not the dream itself
but the tunnel vision required
for its pursuit,
blinding one to the pleasure
of simply being alive.
And being alive is rather wonderful.
[grunts]
While it lasts.
How dare you!
I say, are you drunk?
You told that idiot Scrope
that I would marry him,
that Guildford is never coming back.
Yes, I did. And do you want to know why?
Please.
Because an alliance with Scrope
guarantees our survival.
His father and brothers recently died,
which means that he's just inherited
one of the largest armies in the Kingdom.
He is a moron, I know.
But he is loyal
and will be easy to control.
You had no right.
So while you're planning
your silly tourneys
and flirting with your new pet beast,
Mary is gathering her forces
and she will come for you.
You should be focusing on that.
But, oh, no,
instead, you'd rather waste your time on
some ill-fated "save the Ethians" crusade
and mourn a man who abandoned you
for a beast cure.
I never told you that.
No.
Oh, well,
Dudley did.
No, he didn't.
He's too ashamed.
[chair creaking, scraping]
I know you.
What did you do to Guildford?
What did you do?
Please tell me!
You should thank me.
He's gone.
And we're all safer for it.
[shuddering]
[distorted forest sounds]
[eerie music playing]
[jangling]
[tense music playing]
[shuddering]
[grunts]
Untie me.
Now!
Hello, horsey.
You vile fuck.
You think I'm vile, mate,
just wait till you meet the Beast Trader.
[breathing heavily]
What the fuck is a Beast Trader?
[grunting]
Help me!
-Scream all you like.
-Somebody!
No one will hear you.
Help!
[Rupert] Your Majesty.
What are you doing?
-Guildford's in danger.
-What?
I need to find him.
It's all my fault.
Your Majesty, none of this is your fault.
What do you mean?
Ethians killed his mother.
Right in front of him.
He can't change that.
But he can find a cure.
Let me go.
I'll find him.
And I will bring him home.
[horse snorts]
Please.
Please, just let me go.
Why would I do that?
Give me one reason.
Jane.
Jane is the reason.
Jane, your wife?
True love.
[sighs]
All right.
[grunts]
So let's make a plan.
I'll take you back to the Palace
to see Her Majesty.
And then I'll
crack you over the head with another stick
and drag you all the way back out here.
[chuckles]
Listen to me! Listen to me! [pants]
I will earn you nothing
if you don't take this monstrosity
[panting]
off me. [panting]
The sun will rise,
my neck will break, I will change
and then I will die!
And then you will be cured.
-[panting]
-But don't worry.
Beast Trader will be here soon.
She's never late.
[panting]
A drink.
Grant me the dignity
of one last drink. [panting]
Fuck it. Why not?
[jangling]
[scoffs]
Please.
-[yells]
-[groaning]
[panting, grunting]
[grunting]
[panting]
[grunts]
[panting]
Give me the fucking key!
[grunting]
[panting]
[grunts] Beast Trader
has the only other key, my Lord.
-[breathing heavily]
-[laughing]
You bellend.
[panting]
Run! Run!
[laughs]
Dawn is coming!
[panting]
[dramatic music playing]
Help!
Help! Please.
What in the gods
Please. [panting] Please.
Please help.
[panting]
I'm [panting]
I'm Ethian.
[panting]
And if this doesn't come off me
before sunrise, I'll die! Please!
[panting] Please help.
Ethian.
Get up.
[tense music playing]
Come over here.
[breathing heavily]
[grunting]
[panting]
Thank you. Thank you.
[Author] For the first time ever,
Guildford is desperate for dawn to break.
To change.
And to return to the Palace.
To return
to Jane.
[soaring music playing]
They've gone! They've gone.
-What?
-Norfolk
and Scrope have absconded.
They have left like thieves
in the proverbial night.
You can kiss their armies goodbye.
-They've gone?
-And Mary
has been sighted on the London Road
with 10,000 men.
Your Majesty.
We are out of allies!
[Jane] No, we are not.
[tense music playing]
-[knocking]
-[door opens]
Archer, how many people
can you rally to fight for me?
-What's wrong?
-The nobility are gone.
Mary is coming with her army.
We need to fight.
I will not send Ethians to be slaughtered.
I thought you came back to England
because you wanted it to change.
I came back here
because my father was dying.
I stayed because I hoped
change was possible.
But I'm sick of fighting a losing war.
Yes, but now I am fighting, too.
I wish it were enough.
But we've made other plans.
Why did you stay when I asked you?
I don't know.
Maybe I shouldn't have.
♪
[Jane] When people find out
what I've done, they will support me.
[Archer] I doubt that.
Where are you going?
Did you not see me?
Stanley!
I ignored you.
I am ignoring you.
[laughs] Why?
I know what you did to Guildford.
I heard you speaking with Jane.
You sent my brother to die.
You are nothing but a murderess.
If you need someone to blame,
blame yourself.
You told me what he was.
You put your cock above your brother.
-Ew.
-You know what I mean.
-You're leaving?
-Hmm.
[Frances] What have you heard?
Stanley, come back here now!
You!
Order the Royal Coach immediately!
-[Chinchilla: "The Chain"]
-Watch the sun
[Author] Despite everything, Jane still
believes goodness will overcome bigotry,
hope will overcome fear
and when people are given
the chance to do the right thing,
they will.
Division Laws are abolished.
[doors opening]
What do you think?
Jane! We have to run!
It's over.
-Jane, please.
-No.
Listen to me. If you don't escape now,
you'll die.
Look! See?
We do have support.
-Everything's fine. Norfolk is back.
-[Norfolk] Ah.
Jane.
Norfolk.
You've returned.
With your army?
You've pushed things too far.
[approaching footsteps]
Take her.
Take them all.
The Coach is waiting.
Go. Go now.
Oh, yeah ♪
Yeah ♪
-Yeah, yeah ♪
-[protesting]
Leave me alone!
[vocalizing]
Chain ♪
Keep us together ♪
Oh ♪
Chain ♪
Keep us together ♪
Oh ♪
-Oh ♪
-Chain ♪
Keep us together ♪♪
[Author] Jane Grey is thoroughly fucked.
[atmospheric music playing]
♪
♪
♪