My Next Guest Needs No Introduction with David Letterman (2018) s02e02 Episode Script
Ellen DeGeneres
1
[David Letterman] This is, like,
a big deal, this show.
[woman] It is.
But this is too much.
You can't do a show in a place this nice.
-[woman] What? Well, that's Ellen. No.
-It's got to be a dump.
We used to wager,
and Mary has this uncanny
hand-eye coordination.
Yes! There you go. That's what
we're talking about. Perfect spiral.
-In the old days, you'd owe me 5 bucks.
-I know.
Uh-oh, look out.
Oh, shit.
Oh, come on. I need somebody
to just trim my eyebrow.
Ow, Jesus! Oh, my God!
What the hell?!
-Okay, roll three.
-[laughing]
Ready three. Roll three!
All right. Thank you, Nicole.
[audience applauding, cheering]
[chattering]
-Oh, my God.
-Hi, Dave.
Where's Paul?
[laughing]
[theme music playing]
Hi, how are you?
[cheering]
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Please have a seat. We're in Glendale.
I want you to look after this.
-Thank you. What's your name, sir?
-Matt.
Don't bend it. Thank you.
Welcome, and what a beautiful theater.
It was originally the Alexander.
But during the restoration of the theater,
they decided that the marquee that
they were fixing outside the courtyard
was not large enough,
so they shortened the name to Alex.
[audience laughs]
Could've been worse. Could've been Al.
Right now we could be enjoying
the evening together in Al.
What's going on here? Uh-oh.
You got to move your car?
What's the problem?
Huh? He didn't pay? What?
Is he on a watch list?
Oh, I know you, for God's sakes.
Who is that guy?
This is your guest's agent.
Oh, well, that's some way to behave, sir.
My guest's agent gets nearly run out
of the theater?
-[audience laughs]
-[man] She's prettier than me.
Well, there's no question of that, sir.
Lassie is prettier than you.
[audience groans]
Come on. It's a joke.
-And who was the woman who came out?
-[Mary] She works for you.
She works for me?
[audience laughs]
Oh, I knew that.
-Okay, and what was your name, sir?
-Eddie.
Eddie. And you were sitting on the aisle,
and she said to you what?
"Will you please move?"
[audience laughs]
Now, if you were a real agent,
you wouldn't take that.
You'd say,
"Hey, why don't you move, lady?"
-Is everything all right?
-Everything's great.
All right, I'm gonna give everybody
a few seconds to change seats.
Whatever reason, go ahead.
Now is your chance.
Anyway, I think probably most people here
know who's on the show
[audience cheers]
with a possible exception of Eddie.
[audience laughs]
I have great respect for this person.
I think I love her.
Please say hello to Ellen DeGeneres.
Thank you very much.
Hey, Ellen, how are you?
Nice to see you.
[audience cheers]
Thank you. I love you, too.
Wherever you go,
does your agent make trouble?
Oh, my God. Eddie.
[laughing]
Well, it seems like
it was your person's fault.
It seems like he was just sitting there
minding his own business--
-Sure, blame me. Why not?
-Well
We'll get to the bottom of this later.
How are you?
I'm fantastic.
I'm very excited about this.
I'm very excited about this.
And I'll just start right off
the beginning
with your stand-up special.
I used to do stand-up,
but I was awful at it. Just awful at it.
Therefore, when I see somebody
who's really good, it hurts my feelings.
[laughing]
Or when I see somebody really bad,
I think, "Oh, the art is dying."
-Yes. I agree.
-The art of stand-up.
So, you were kind enough
to participate in this.
I said, "Okay, let me see
the Netflix thing."
I'm telling you, it's an opus.
-Do you mind if we talk about this?
-I'd love it.
When I was doing this as a kid,
it took me forever
to accumulate new material.
-Yeah.
-And here we have non-stop,
no intermission, no "Hi, where you from?"
It's all solid material done effortlessly.
And the result is hilarity.
How long did it take you?
Tell me ten years.
-Um Um
-[laughing]
So, yeah. It was
It was fast. When it came, it was fast.
I hadn't done stand-up in 15 years
and was done with it,
because it's a hard life, you know,
being on the road.
I just don't like being on stage.
I don't really need it.
Then I felt like I was just repeating
myself all the time,
had run out of material. Then I got
the talk show, was thrilled about that.
So, I didn't think
I was ever gonna do it again.
And then I just wanted
to challenge myself.
It's the same reason I hosted the Oscars.
When I get too complacent and I don't
think I'm challenging myself creatively,
I choose something to scare me. So
my agent, Eddie, everyone knows him
[laughing]
Stand up and take a bow, Eddie!
[audience cheers]
Oh, my.
-An evening with Ellen featuring Eddie.
-Yeah.
So Eddie said, "You know, I think
it would be great to do stand-up again."
And I, for some reason--
And we were on the plane on the way back
from getting the Medal of Freedom.
Oh, my God. How about that?
Now, right there.
[audience applauds]
Tell people what that indicates,
what that event is like,
what it means to you,
and what it represents.
-And then we'll get back to the other.
-Okay. In that way, I am much like you,
as far as accolades and awards
and Emmys and People's Choice Awards.
I try not to pay attention
to what people write about me,
'cause if I believe the good,
I have to believe the bad
'cause it's just an opinion.
I usually say no to anything
that someone wants to give me,
and I get this call that Barack Obama
wants to give me the Medal of Freedom.
At the moment, it was emotional.
It was like, "Oh, my God. That's amazing."
I didn't even know what that meant,
but I just knew it was something.
I didn't know it was the highest award
a civilian could--
-Yeah.
-Yes.
So, then I'm on my way there
and everyone--
my friends are saying,
"You have to take this in.
You have to be there
and be present and take it in."
And I had just been to the White House
for his birthday party.
So, the night of the Medal of Freedom,
I don't bring my ID,
-'cause I think, "Why do I need ID?"
-Exactly.
But when you go to the White House,
you always have to have ID.
And so they wouldn't let me in.
And I was sitting
-Oh, no, no.
-Yeah.
I'm out on the bench.
Like, it's freezing.
And Bruce Springsteen and his wife
walked past, and they're--
-[audience laughs]
-He's getting the award also.
And they're like, "What are you doing?"
And I said, "They won't let me in.
-I don't have an ID." And he's like
-[laughing]
Like, "How do you not bring an ID
to the White House?"
I said, "I was just here for
the birthday party. They know who I am."
[laughing]
And then Portia thinks it's a good idea
to photograph it
and send it out to Instagram.
Two minutes later, they came and got me
and put me in because they
[audience laughs]
-The miracle of social media.
-Yeah, they somehow were embarrassed.
[laughing]
[Ellen DeGeneres]So I'm there,
and I'm with all these amazing people
receiving the same award.
And I'm still calm.
You know, it's cool, but, you know.
So, then I'm onstage--
-May I interrupt?
-Yes.
Before the presentation,
there is a citation for all of the reasons
-it's being presented.
-Right.
-What did they say?
-I don't know. I don't re--
[audience laughs]
I was just sitting there listening
to what he was saying,
and I could see Michelle Obama
in the front row.
And we've kind of become, you know,
friends, and she's looking at me,
and she just started shaking her head,
and she had tears in her eyes.
So, I just started shaking my head,
and I had tears in my eyes.
I was just, like, whatever she was doing,
I just started
[audience laughs]
-It's the etiquette of the--
-Yeah, I just cried
'cause she was crying and then she kept
And then we're both are just looking
at each other, shaking our heads.
So, then I got really emotional,
and I took it in because
he's an amazing man
who I admire and respect.
And he was telling me
that I was a brave person,
when all my life I considered myself
to be extremely weak
and scared of everything.
And the fact that I took chances
and that I took the biggest chance,
which was coming out,
which I thought would ruin my career,
which everyone told me would ruin
my career, and I'm sitting here,
getting this award from the President
of the United States.
[audience applauds]
-Congratulations.
-Thank you.
And this happened 16-plus years ago
-when you came out as a gay woman.
-Twenty-one.
Sixteen years the talk show,
but 21 years ago I came out.
And what we're dealing with there
is needless ignorance and prejudice.
-Fear.
-Fear. Yes.
-And the problem's not been solved.
-No.
But good things are happening
because of you.
Following the closet metaphor,
you've opened the door.
But now, looking back on it,
doesn't seem like,
"Well, yeah, what's the problem here?"
Yeah. Once I made that decision,
I did feel that. I mean,
when you're filled with shame
Shame. You're feeling shame.
You're told that from the moment
you recognize the fact that you
are different, that you're gay.
Every billboard you see,
every advertisement you see
is usually white people,
and it's a man and a woman.
You don't see same-sex couples
selling toothpaste.
You don't see same-sex couples
having fun.
You don't see them kissing.
You don't see them holding hands.
And you're constantly bombarded
with, "You're different.
And please, if you are, stay quiet
and we don't want to know about it."
So
to get to a point where I finally realized
that it was more important
to stop hating myself and feeling ashamed
of who I was and risk it all.
And then once I did, I was like
Even though I lost everything for a while,
I was like,
"Well, that was the right decision."
"Lost everything" meaning what?
No one wanted to hire me.
No one wanted to work with me.
[Letterman] The show was canceled
shortly after the season
-you came out on the on the show.
-Yep.
-[Letterman] So, that's gone.
-Well, they stopped advertising it.
I think ABC and Disney wanted
to just put their hands up and go,
"We're not advertising it."
All the sponsors were stopping.
So, they just kind of let it slowly die.
And the season after
the coming out episode was
so well-written,
the most important season,
'cause it was the woman in her 30s
all of a sudden recognizing
for the first time in her life
who she is and having to deal with that
and how awkward and uncomfortable it is,
and how her friends reacted
and how her boss reacted and her parents.
So, it was an education
for myself, too, you know.
No one watched it, so
And no one even told me it was canceled.
My assistant told me he read it
in the trades.
This brings up
so many points of interest for me,
not the least of which is the cowardice
of these enormous
entertainment corporations.
Because they're pretending that you
might be the only gay person
on the planet.
-Yeah.
-So
-"Jeez! We don't want that!"
-Yeah.
When in fact
you're creating an awareness
that ultimately, for these folks will be,
-you know, fruitfully marketable.
-Yeah.
Tell me about the realization
that you were gay.
I remember being in an elevator
with my dad and
and I always looked like a boy,
I was very tomboyish.
And this girl, this waitress,
got in the elevator.
We were on vacation, and she
she looked at me, I was ten years old.
And I think around, she said,
"God, what a cute little boy."
And I was just thinking to my father,
"Don't say I'm a girl."
And he's said, "Oh, it's a little girl."
And I was just
I wanted her to think I was
a cute little boy, you know, and I--
[squeaking sound]
[audience laughs]
It's elephant night.
-A lot of
-[laughing]
Jesus Christ!
I'm sure that was Eddie.
[laughing]
So, you know, it's not like I wanted to,
you know, be a boy.
I mean, the only reason I wanted
to be a boy
is 'cause I thought it was the only way
to be with girls.
And then it continued through high school,
and a lot of straight girls would say,
you know,
things like, "If you were a boy,
you'd be my--"
There was always a connection I had
with girls in a different way.
But then I had boyfriends
and I liked them.
I think that's what was so shocking
to my mother when I finally told her.
But it really wasn't until
in high school my best friend,
one night just out of nowhere,
she just tells me that, you know,
she's in love with me,
and she wants to kiss me, and I'm
I was, like, scared to death.
I didn't know, but then once we kissed,
it was like, "Oh, that's
That feels completely different
then the boys that I've been with."
I just didn't know,
because there's no representation.
And I think it's different now
because, you know, I'm on television,
there are a lot of out people.
Not enough, but you know,
I think if you knew that your teacher
was gay or your doctor was gay
or people that have
a successful, happy life,
and you can see that there's a future
that isn't gonna be dismal,
that you're not gonna be an outcast,
I think more kids would do it.
The thing that breaks my heart
about this particular story
and because it had not occurred to me,
but of course, it's part of
the circumstance, is the shame.
After this experience
did the shame ameliorate,
or was it the same?
No, it went away.
Then it turned into anger,
because I was so mad at, you know,
this industry of, you know,
just because I revealed this truth
about myself that I know everyone knew.
Is it any of my business to ask
about the talk with your mother?
Yeah, sure.
I think everybody who is gay
and tells their parents they're gay cries.
And I never knew why. I told my mother
that I was gay, and I just started crying.
And it's because it's the first time
that word comes out of your mouth
and you're saying it.
Obviously, once you realize you're gay,
you're not out loud going, "I'm gay."
Like, you just are, you know.
Looking in the mirror, "You're gay."
It's such an emotion
when it comes out of your mouth
and when you say, "I'm gay."
So, I told my mother that. We were walking
on the beach in Mississippi and
she just she didn't understand it.
Didn't understand that you were gay
or didn't understand what gay was?
-That I was gay.
-Yeah.
And then she started trying
to do some research.
She went to the library or something.
It was in, you know, some section
that was, you know,
deviants or, you know,
something that's like you know.
She was worried for me,
and she thought it was a phase.
Were you ostracized because of this
in high school,
-or was this okay?
-No one knew.
-No one knew.
-No. We'd be on dates with our boyfriends
and run into the bathroom
and make out and go back
[audience laughs]
to our boyfriends.
[audience applauds]
I think I've had that happen to me.
[laughing]
I don't want to be dumb and clumsy
about this,
but there's a lot of about this
that I don't know.
A lot about everything I don't know.
So, thank you for putting up with me.
You're on a successful
prime time television show,
and then everything goes away
for three years.
And you're in the wilderness
for three years.
What are you doing
in that three-year period?
I moved out of Los Angeles,
and I went to Ojai just to get out of LA.
And I was just kind of, you know,
by myself and
running out of money,
'cause I didn't have a piece of the show.
Did you have representation
at that point?
-No. Eddie wasn't with me.
The one thing that did happen is
Andrew Stanton, who wrote
and directed Finding Nemo,
he has his character, Dory,
and she has short term memory loss,
and he's trying to figure out how you make
that funny without offending someone.
And he's just as animation nerd,
so he probably hadn't seen Time magazine
or heard all the stuff about me
-or anything.
-You're on the cover Time magazine.
-Yeah.
-Yeah, that's when Time magazine
-was an opinion maker/changer.
-Yeah.
So, he hears in the background, on the TV,
this rambling person
who starts the subject, but then goes way,
way off and never comes back to it,
which is what I used to do in my sitcom
and what I used to do in comedy.
And he's like, "That's Dory."
And so he tracked me down and said,
"Please say yes to this.
I'm writing this with you in mind."
And I was like, you know,
"I have nothing to do.
-Of course I'm gonna say yes to this."
-[audience laughs]
And so I got paid scale. It was
like $75,000 for three years of work,
-which was great for me because
-That's a cool 25 G's a year.
Right.
[laughing]
-I was living the life, Dave.
-Yeah.
So, I'm getting nothing. I'm--
You know, nothing's happening,
and I'm going to my mailbox.
There's nothing there,
but I go to my mailbox,
and I don't know how long
this had been, maybe a month or so,
and this girl comes up to me
and she says,
"My mom lives across the street from you,
and she is an astrologer,
and she wants to read your cards."
And I was like, "Oh." You know, I--
[audience laughs]
And, you know, but I'm not busy,
so I, you know.
-[laughing]
-So
I go to this woman's tree house,
and she's
[audience laughs]
-Very good.
-Oh, no. It was a tree house.
And she hasn't combed her hair
for a long time and
So, she starts reading my cards.
And she says to me,
"When you're 45 years old,
you are gonna start a brand-new job.
You can go 20 years if you want to go.
You're gonna be more famous
than you've ever been.
You're gonna make more money
than you've ever made."
And I'm like, "No one"--
First of all, at 45, you're done
in Hollywood If you're a woman.
Like, there's no way And no one
is gonna hire me 45,
and what sitcom goes 20 years?
And when I was 45, I started my talk show.
Wow.
[audience applauding]
I was like
Well, again,
this brings up some questions.
Is this coincidence?
[laughs]
Because there is no scientific evidence
that what she was communicating to you
could possibly have been based on facts.
Look, I talk to her
every year now because, you know.
-Put her on the payroll.
-Yep.
She's always right.
I mean, I don't understand it.
Was it me manifesting it some way
-and guiding it? Right.
-Self-fulfilling prophecy.
I believe that our intention
creates our reality.
I believe our thoughts are energy.
So
You know, so maybe, I don't know,
but it-- Slowly I started, you know,
I hosted Saturday Night Live,
and Lorne Michaels wanted to offer me
a talk show because Rosie was leaving,
but a lot of the station managers
didn't want to buy the show,
because they thought no one wanted
to watch,
you know, a lesbian during the day.
And so
[audience laughs]
So
-What is the right time to watch lesbians?
-That's what I said, yeah.
[Letterman] Why did they ask you
to host Saturday Night Live?
-Was it because of Nemo?
-No.
Eddie?
-[audience laughs]
-What's that?
Oh, I hosted the Emmys after 9/11.
For all practical purposes,
other than Nemo,
-you flatlined.
-Yep.
And now you get a chance
to host the Emmys.
-Yep.
-So, how do you explain that?
I can't.
I don't know why they asked me,
but it was very successful
'cause you had to hit the right note.
You had to have the right tone--
[Letterman] So, at this point,
are you thinking,
"Oh, maybe the awareness of being gay
-is gaining some insights, enlightenment?"
-I don't know.
I wasn't thinking about that.
I was just trying to make money.
I was trying to get back
into the business, you know.
I was hoping people would just let that go
and just know that that's
I mean, I never did it as a statement,
so that that would be
the defining factor of who I am.
I think what happened was,
I wrote The Beginning,
to begin again.
And it's how I began my career.
But when I I went on tour,
it was literally 90% lesbians,
some gay men, but mostly lesbians,
and some straight people
who were brave enough to come out.
But everyone really thought it was
gonna be some kind of gay tour,
and, you know, the straight people
wouldn't understand the language.
-They wanted you to
-[audience laughs]
-They wanted you to be the spokesperson.
-Right.
The ad hoc pioneer who will take this
to another level.
And I kept saying, "I am not your leader.
I don't want to be your leader."
I'm not political.
I don't want to be an activist.
I did it to free my soul.
And now I'm a comedian, I'm funny.
I want people to remember that.
And it took me a few tours
to get my audience back,
'cause I lost my straight audience.
And the gay people, like I said,
you know, there weren't enough gay jokes,
and I wasn't, like, their comedian.
So, I was being attacked for, you know,
being too gay or not gay enough,
and I couldn't figure out
the balance of it.
So, now you superseded all of that.
You are an inspiration, a role model,
to men, women, straight, gay, whatever,
because of who you are as a person
and because of your generous spirit.
-Well, I'm
-[audience cheers and applauds]
-I mean, that's it.
-You know
I guess I'm trying to say,
you're a leader now
in the best possible sense
because it's for everyone.
Yeah. And like I said,
I always felt I was a weak person.
And so to get to actually
be proud of myself that I took chances
and made decisions
that were tough decisions
and started gaining confidence in myself
instead of being so insecure,
and then I look out at my audience
and I see every age,
every color and know
that that's what my audience is
and that's what I'm attracting.
It's like I can't believe
that I got here from there.
So I'm-- That makes me really happy.
And the president puts that ribbon
around your neck and there you go.
-Yeah. Amazing.
-Yeah.
Well deserved.
I don't get invited many places,
but you were kind enough to invite me
to your show.
Ruined it!
-Did you notice I couldn't stop talking?
-It was fine.
-No, no. I'd say I got a thing.
-You were great.
It's a glandular disorder.
I can't stop talking.
I want to talk to you because
I thought were hilarious.
-'Cause you started this thing.
-Oh, I am hilarious.
[laughing]
I mean-- right?
[DeGeneres] We're gonna take a break.
More with Dave after this.
[Letterman]
We stand farther back in the corner.
All right.
-[man] Oh!
-[Letterman] Oh, Jesus.
-That sickens me. God dang it!
-[laughing]
-You've been practicing, right?
-I've never done that, no.
That was like I hit the golf ball
on your show.
It was the most beautiful shot,
and I hadn't played in ages.
-I'm a showman.
-Nice job. Good for you.
I had two shows.
They were just dumps. And this is,
you know, like out here, It's like
Oh, my God.
It's just like a hall of fame of people
that would never do my show.
-Did you wanna play ping pong?
-We didn't have a ping--
And look, this is the gift shop.
-No, I don't think we use this.
-Can I have it?
Yeah.
And there were so many things
in the dressing room,
so many gifts and nice items.
These are the underpants
everyone's talking about.
And a big screen TV.
Could I have the big screen TV?
Yes. Yes, it's a TCL 4K Roku.
-Roku. I say it a lot on this show.
-[Letterman laughs]
[Letterman] This is Warner Brothers.
-That's production over there--
-How old are these buildings?
They look like they're authentic,
like '30s?
-Yeah.
-Look at that. Your name is everywhere!
Ya!
Jesus Christ!
[DeGeneres laughs]
-It's so fun to do.
-But are you all right, ma'am?
Get the paddles.
[laughs] I like that you-- I don't know.
What's your name?
-Janet.
-Okay, Janet.
-You don't even know her--
-No, I don't know her. I--
-That's a crime.
-No. Let's see who else is here.
You have courage. Hi. Nyuh!
-Oh, you can't do it when they're--
-I can't do anything.
[Letterman] We're gonna send a guy up
later to measure.
So any personal belongings you have,
just put them in a crate.
I don't know who that is.
-I'm Ellen. I'm your boss.
-Nice to meet you.
See, there's a lot of offices.
You can understand why I don't get around.
What are we pretending to do in here?
[laughing]
Uh-huh. Has the topic
of editing tonight's show come up?
[man] I'll clean it up.
Yeah, clean it up--
Hand grenade kind of edit?
-[man] I know you love compliments.
-Yeah.
It was one of our favorite days
in 16 years.
It really was.
-Yep.
-Take the week off.
-Good night, everybody.
-[all laugh]
What, are they on sale?
God Almighty! [laughs]
Yeah, these have been on back-order.
There in now if anybody wants one.
That's pretty impressive.
-How many of those do you have?
-I don't know.
-[man] We have 32.
-[Letterman] Thirty-two. Thank you.
The disembodied voice.
And did you win Wimbledon one year?
-Yeah.
-Congratulations.
[man] We just gotta put her in things
she wouldn't belong in here.
-Sorry, Ellen.
-That's all right, Troy. You're fired.
-He saw me. I can't.
-[man] Jesus Christ.
I can't. He saw me.
I was gonna scare Andy.
Yaaaaa!
-Fuck you!
-[laughing]
-Did that really work?
-That was the right person to do it to.
[DeGeneres] I didn't tell him to do that.
I swear to God.
-[Letterman] Come on. Don't lie.
-I did not.
She did. She said, "Go in there
and scare the guy with the thing."
-Sorry. Yes, she did.
-I did not. I swear to God.
-She's lying.
-[laughs] He's lying.
He's lying.
Was your family religious?
Yes, they were very reli--
Christian Science.
-It's a religion of denial, really.
-[audience laughs]
-Do people still practice Christian--
-Oh, a lot of people do.
Yeah, a lot of people got mad
that I mentioned it in my
special because, you know,
it's not everyone's experience.
Some people are, you know, extremist.
And my father was, you know,
he didn't believe in
going to a doctor, taking medicine,
anything like that.
So, if we were hurt in any way,
everything was fine.
Everything was fine why?
Because this this is not real.
This is just matter.
What's real is God.
And our, you know, our belief
only makes something so.
A disavowing of modern medical care,
I don't even think that's legal, is it?
Yeah, it is. I mean
And I was exempt from,
you know, unfortunately, science.
I couldn't go to
I didn't learn anything about the body.
I didn't learn anything about science
that has nothing to do with the body.
I didn't go to science classes
because of that.
And so I didn't learn about lots of things
that have nothing to do with the body
that really I'm angry about.
-Did you question it right away?
-Oh, I questioned Yeah.
I would get kicked out of Sunday school
because, you know
She would say, you know,
"If you cut this table's leg,
you know, it would not feel pain."
And I was like, you know,
"But it wouldn't bleed, either."
You just couldn't question anything.
Well, that's not Sunday school,
that's shop class.
-Oh. [laughs]
-[audience laughs]
[laughs] Whole different deal.
There's a divorce in your family.
Your mother and father.
when you're 13, right?
-It may be the worst time for a divorce.
-Yep.
You didn't see it coming.
There weren't fights,
there wasn't bickering.
As far as you knew,
everything was more or less okay.
-Is that accurate?
-Yeah.
Everything in the house was always fine.
It was always "harmonious."
That was the word that my dad used.
But this wasn't an effect
of the Christian Scientists?
I don't think it was a healthy
good marriage. I mean, you know,
I certainly wouldn't want to emulate that
in a relationship.
I think that's what's important
for parents to know.
It's like sometimes is not better
to stay for the children,
because your children are looking
at your relationship as an example
of what love is. And there was really
no affection, there was no nurturing.
And not even with us,
you know, that kind of affection.
No hugging, no kissing.
Did they tell you that they loved you?
-Did you hear that?
-Yeah, they would say it,
but I really picture our family growing up
as like cardboard cutouts
around the dining room table.
So the divorce
big surprise or did you
sort of try to take it in stride
the way the rest of your life
had been at home?
Yeah, nothing really affected me.
I was like, "Wow, okay."
And then my mother and I lived together.
And my brother went off
and joined a band and traveled.
Your brother had his own success
in comedy.
He was Mr. Hands from Mr. Bill, yes.
[audience applauds]
Dad was funny?
-Mom was not funny?
-My mother's more kind of sarcastic funny,
and my father just was silly funny.
Like, if Helen Reddy and Don Knotts
were on tour together,
I guess the headline would be
"Reddy or Knotts."
You know, it was like, you know.
Wait a minute, let me Can I
Can I just write that?
That's pretty good for dad,
I'm telling you.
[DeGeneres laughs]
So, now it's you and your mom,
your mom starts dating.
-Yeah.
-And what does that do to a kid?
-Are you all right with that or not?
-No, it's horrible.
She was my mother,
plus I'd never seen that side of her.
It was weird. She turned into
kind of a different person.
She was drinking beer, which-- I mean,
we didn't drink alcohol. No one drank.
No one smoked. No one cursed.
No one raised their voice.
And she, all of a sudden--
I think she was just so
wanting to get out of that relationship
for so long
Both of them suffering in silence equally,
apparently, it wasn't like,
"I've had it, I got to go."
-They both wanted this.
-No, my dad didn't want it.
-Oh, he didn't want it?
-He was devastated.
He was crying and
-It was
-Oh, God.
That's what I'm talking about, 13.
And you see your father crying
because there's gonna be a divorce.
That's heartbreaking.
He didn't know how
to take care of himself, so
'Cause he'd always been taken care of by,
you know, women in his life.
So, I kind of had to go take care of him.
Like, I go to his apartment
and, literally, there'd be nothing there.
And in the refrigerator,
there would be a jar
that had like this much chocolate milk
left in it with a knife
that he was stirring it with.
Like, it was really sad.
He's the one that I got fear from.
He was very neurotic.
He didn't want me to go
into this business.
He wanted me to sell cars
'cause that was a safer thing to do.
He really tried to support me
and was very happy for me,
but he couldn't express it himself.
He would say, "You know,
the guy at the car wash
thinks you're really funny.
The dry cleaners saw your Carson,
said you were good."
-Oh, yeah.
-He didn't know how to do that.
And what becomes of mom?
She remarries?
Yeah, she remarried a very bad man.
-Very bad man.
-And this is the man that hurt you?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, he
Yeah.
Is that it?
-I mean, I'm fine if that's it.
-No, I know, it's just
That's another thing that, you know,
I'm angry at myself because,
you know, I didn't
I was too weak to stand up to--
I was, you know, 15 or 16
I mean, it's a really horrible,
horrible story
and the only reason I'm actually
gonna go into detail about it
is
because I want other girls to not,
you know,
ever let someone do that.
And you may not even air this,
I don't know, but
My mother had had breast cancer
right after they got married.
So she had a breast removed, and
they had a very, very sexual relationship,
which was also very uncomfortable for me.
And
he told me when she was out of town
that he'd felt a lump in her breast
and needed to feel my breasts
because he didn't want to upset her,
but he needed to feel mine.
Again, 'cause I didn't know about bodies,
I don't know that breasts
are all different and
Anyway, he convinced me that he needs
to feel my breasts and
then he tries to do it again
another time, and then
another time.
He tries to break my door down,
and I kicked the window out and ran
'cause I knew it was gonna do
It was gonna go more to something
And I didn't want to tell my mother,
'cause I was protecting her and I knew
that that would ruin her happiness.
And she was happy with him,
even though he was a horrible man,
and I should never have protected her.
I should have protected myself,
and I didn't tell her for a few years,
and then I told her.
And then she didn't believe me.
And then she stayed with him
for 18 more years.
And
finally left him because he'd changed
the story so many times.
-So, she did confront him about the story?
-Yeah, but he said I was lying.
And then she
stayed with him.
So, that that made me really angry.
So, this is a fissure between you
and your mother now.
-Mm-hmm.
-And how was that repaired?
It was fine, 'cause I just, I always
have taken care of her my whole life.
So, I just
I just kept taking care of her.
I didn't really let it get to me.
And, until recently,
it's like, you know,
I kind of went, "That's--
I wish I would have been
better taken care of.
I wish she would have believed me."
And she's apologetic, but, you know
-So, it was talked out. Talked over.
-Yeah. Yeah.
Thank you.
[audience applauding]
What most women do is, we just
we just don't feel like we have a voice.
And that's the only reason that
this is the first time I've ever
you know, talked about this to anyone
other than my friends.
We just don't feel like we're worthy,
or we, we're scared to have a voice,
and we're scared to say no and
You know, part of it I blame
because I really, you know
That first time, he really convinced me
that he didn't want to upset her,
and he really felt another lump,
and he really would just like
And then, when I didn't let him
the next time, you know, it just
he just kept taunting me and pretending
like he was coming at me all the time.
That's the only reason I think
it's important to talk about it
because there's so many young girls,
and it doesn't matter how old you are.
And when I see people speaking out,
especially now,
it angers me when victims
aren't believed,
because
we just don't make stuff up.
And I like men, but there are so many men
that get away with so much.
It is just time for us to have a voice.
It's time for us to have power.
Please welcome to the program
one of my favorites, Ellen DeGeneres.
[audience applauding]
Thanks very much.
You know, so I flew in today
from Washington, DC,
that's where I was last night,
and on the plane
there's a fly.
And I just felt so sorry for that fly
because the fly accidentally wanders
into this structure, which is an airport,
and then wanders into another area,
which happens to be a plane.
And now he's on his way to New York.
He has no idea
that he's on his way to New York.
And he's flying while he's on the plane.
So, you know he's looking out the window,
-thinking, "I am going very, very fast."
-[audience laughs]
I have to say this, being on your show
was so important to comedians.
I mean, it was everything.
And I had been on Johnny Carson,
which was a huge deal for me
That's the real important show for comedy.
It is. It was for me,
it was for everybody.
But still, the thing is,
you wanna be on Letterman because
you're smart and you're funny
and you're, you know,
edgier, and that was a big thing.
Even looking back at the first appearance
I had on your show in 93,
I was so nervous because it was
everything to be on your show.
And then to be sitting here,
talking to you,
and you wanting to talk to me,
and get here in my life,
this is like the Medal of Freedom thing
for me.
[audience applauds and cheers]
Thank you.
That's never been better spoken
almost to the point where I believe it.
[laughing]
But let's talk about your first time
on Carson.
We'll see if we have the same experience.
-From you being on the first time, too?
-Yeah.
Well, the first time I was on,
I got bumped because
Robert Goulet was singing "Memories"
and he kept forgetting the words.
Carson thought that was so funny
that they didn't want to stop and start
He was crying laughing,
it was so funny.
And I'm backstage pacing 'cause I don't
want to sit down and ruin my nice outfit.
-You've seen it. And so,
-[laughs]
I see this going on and on,
and everyone's laughing except for me
going, "I am gonna get bumped.
I know it."
So, anyway, I got bumped.
Let me interrupt you,
the good thing is got bumped
because could you have followed
that nonsense?
-Probably not.
-Yeah.
So they booked me for the following week,
and I was so nervous.
I had time to really think about it.
And I went to a store on Melrose
to get something,
and I go inside and I come back out.
This is the day that I'm gonna go
to Carson again,
and my car is gone and I'm like,
"Oh, my God. My car got stolen."
And then I hear horns honking
and everything.
I forgot to put the emergency brake on,
so it had rolled all the way down.
[audience gasps]
It was in the intersection
of La Cienega and Melrose.
People are honking, and there's no one
in the car, and it's just rolling
[laughing]
-I'm running after the car.
-Yeah! Wow!
-Yes!
-That was the day of Carson.
Oh, my God.
So then, yeah, you're standing back there,
and the curtains are, you know,
and you're hearing the band play
and it is just, you know, you can hear
and feel your heart beating out
of your chest.
And it was so important to me,
I had decided
that I was gonna be the first woman
in the history of the show
to sit down with him.
-He did call you over?
-Yeah.
Complimented you?
And it was everything that I'd hope for.
Yeah, when I did it,
I knew it would go well
because the four minutes or whatever
you choose for that show is
is instilled in your brain.
You could do it under anesthetic.
You could do it asleep, you could do it
if your car was rolling across
[audience laughs]
Was that the experience for you
that it was just
You can have one of those experiences
where you're delivering
your material and you're thinking,
"Okay, this is going pretty well,"
and it's so rote that it's automatic.
Well, the problem was,
I was doing "A Phone Call to God,"
and you can't say "Jesus Christ" on TV.
There's a part
in "Phone Call to God" when I say,
"There are certain things on this Earth,
I mean, Jesus Christ.
No, not that. We're still talking
about that. That was great."
And then I go on.
And I had been doing that bit forever,
and I had to remember to edit out,
you know, "There's certain things.
I mean, Jesus Christ. Oh, not that."
You know, so I had to jump from that to
I think I said Charro and Well, I think
he said Charro, I said, "No, not Charro."
-[laughs]
-'Cause God tells me Charro.
Onward Christian soldier mar ♪
Yeah, I just sang along to your tape.
[laughs]
[audience laughs]
Yeah.
It's not a tape, they're good.
They're great.
Listen, there are certain things
on this Earth
I just don't understand why they're here.
No, not Charro. No.
No.
But there are certain things,
like insects.
No, bees are great.
The honey. That's clever. [laughs]
Yeah, I was thinking more about fleas,
they seem to have no bene--
No, I didn't realize how many people
are employed by the flea collar industry.
Was the first piece, forgive this,
serious comedy
-Yeah.
-writing that you had done?
But people knew that I was funny.
I had been on stage once before,
but I didn't have--
-This is the Whopper?
-Yeah.
Tell me the origin of that,
because to me that's other worldly.
How did you hear about the Whopper story?
-We've all heard about the Whopper story.
-[laughs]
We were trying to raise money for some
cause, I don't even know what it was.
I don't remember, but it was like friends
trying to put on a show..
And somebody was gonna sing
and play guitar and someone said,
you know, "You're funny,
get on stage and do something."
And I didn't have material,
I was just, you know.
And so I had a bag with a Whopper,
fries, and I had a shake.
And I walk on stage and I said,
"I am so sorry, but this is the first time
I've ever been on stage and I'm so nervous
that I didn't eat all day long
and I got to eat something
'cause I'm so hungry."
And I started a sentence,
and would unwrap it and I said,
"I don't know if you've ever noticed this,
but" then I would take a huge bite.
[audience laughs]
And I would hold my finger up
and swallow,
"Whoa! That's better." And then I would
start the sentence again,
and then I would take another bite
and then
And I ate the entire thing
never finished the sentence and said,
"Oh, my time is up," and then I left.
So
Wow!
But you know now,
and you must've known at the time,
that takes tremendous courage.
Because it could only go two ways.
-Yeah.
-And it went your way.
It was "Andy Kaufmanesque".
I mean, I was a big fan of his,
and I loved how strange he was
and yes, it was definitely
-It was tricky.
-Wow.
So, I was unaware
that you and Andy overlap.
-I never saw him live. No.
-You never saw him live.
I saw him on, I guess, other shows.
I don't remember exactly.
And I had Steve Martin's albums
and I was a big fan of Woody Allen's
before he married his daughter,
-and I
-[audience laughs]
So
[laughing]
I am so pleased with very few things
in my career, but one
was my association with Andy Kaufman,
and
-[audience applauds]
-[Letterman laughs]
and he would come on our show.
The wrestler Jerry Lawler
offended Andy and Andy said,
"You're not a kind of
Nobody says that to" And then
Jerry Lawler punched him. I don't know.
[laughs]
But Andy told me the whole thing before.
He said, "Here's what's gonna happen."
And I appreciated that this guy, who
I regarded as a genius, was letting me in.
It was so strange, as you know, that
people thought that he faked his death.
That no one really believed he died,
because he would do something like that.
Yeah. That's kind of the ultimate credit
to an artist.
-Isn't it?
-Right, yeah.
My brother saw him in New York
and he told me, like,
he pitched a tent, took time to build it,
went in
-and went to sleep. People were waiting
-[audience laughs]
waiting to see him come out,
and he just went to sleep.
I mean, that's fantastic.
Yeah, it is. That's a different version
of the Whopper.
Except that I had to stop that,
'cause I would've gained a lot of weight.
I couldn't do that every time.
-Wow! Strong.
-Yeah.
Remember Demi Moore was naked,
so I did that.
-Very strong.
-Thank you. It's material.
Oh, man! Oh, Jesus!
I think this guy is as close to genius
-as people get in comedy.
-I agree.
You don't wanna hear it,
but you and Steve
No, that's right.
My IQ was right in the low '90s.
-Yes, it is.
-So
-Yaaaa!
-Oh, my God!
[laughing]
And I saw you coming, too.
This is a horrible place to work,
isn't it?
[Letterman] Yeah, no,
you don't need to lie for me.
So, that's Clint Eastwood's car.
I think he's there.
-We should just burst in.
-All right, let's do it.
You want to? I don't know if he's there
or not. He feeds the squirrels.
They come into his desk,
and they sit on his desk.
-He's gotten to be that guy.
-Yeah. [laughs]
-Is Clint here? Hi.
-I'm Dave Letterman.
-You know
-What the hell happened to your face?
Yeah. I can say the same to you.
[DeGeneres] He just did my show.
[Letterman] And now we're bothering
other people.
And I said, "I think that's Clint's car.
I think he's there, let's go."
'Cause I knew you'd want to see me.
-So I said, "Let's--" So
-Of course I'd wanna see you.
I used to have to hit you out
of that tree.
Yeah, I know. Not anymore.
Where are your squirrels?
You have the door closed.
-They can't come in.
-Yeah, they can't come in.
-Do you have time for golf joke?
-Yeah.
A guy's playing golf
-Do you play golf?
-Yeah.
Him and his caddie.
First hole, he's, like, six over par.
Second hole, he can't find his ball.
The whole thing goes on like that.
He's hitting, shanking them off his ankle,
and finally they get to the 18th hole,
and the guy says, "God damn it.
If I don't get this ball on the green,
I'm gonna get in that pond,
and I'm gonna drown myself."
And the caddie says, "I don't think you
can keep your head down long enough."
-[laughing]
-See? There you go!
[DeGeneres] You have to keep
your head down and hit the--
[Letterman] There you go.
Well, if you have to explain it
I have to go now, Clint.
It's nice when you can just walk in
and say hi to Clint Eastwood.
Yeah, it could've gone completely haywire
when he saw me.
-Really?
-I'm pretty good with my fists, though.
[DeGeneres laughs]
Boom! Clint goes down. [laughs]
Hi.
All right. So, let's go back to the--
where we--
[audience laughs]
where we started all of this
was your special Relatable,
and how long did it take you and
I don't know where we interrupted that,
but we did. So, let's finish that.
Okay. All right.
[laughing]
It was weird because I for about
I made the deal,
didn't have any idea
of what I wanted to talk about,
but just thought,
"I want to challenge myself."
And then almost gave the money back
several times,
'cause I really just I had nothing.
You know, when you have writer's block
and you're stressed like,
"What am I gonna talk about?
My life is so different now."
And then that's when the whole thing,
I just went to the ridiculous,
over-the-top wealth
and how I live and my butler Batu.
And I just decided
that's what I'm going to start out with.
And then the title Relatable came to me
about, you know, being relatable.
And so then I
I had, like, 15 minutes,
I tried it out on stage,
and it went really, really well.
So, from blank page to what I saw
on Netflix, how long?
Eddie?
-[audience laughs]
-Like eight months?
Not that many performances,
but eight months.
But, like, it just poured out of me.
Then I had to weave it together
to make a story,
-which is to me the most important thing.
-Right.
It comes back around in a lovely fashion.
As well crafted as any hour
and ten minutes of entertainment
-you will see anywhere.
-Thanks. I
[audience cheering, applauding]
How close are we? Are we all right?
Is everything good here?
-You and I?
-Yeah.
-We love each other.
-Yes.
Is there anything we haven't covered?
No. I think we covered a lot more
than I even intended on covering.
Go home and talk to my mother.
[laughs]
By God, I've done
a pretty good job here with this.
It's amazing. You remembered
all kinds of things.
You didn't look down at anything.
How much longer
will you do the television talk show?
On contract, next year's my last year.
But we're also, you know,
talking about continuing,
-and I probably will.
-Yeah.
[audience cheers and applauds]
-Talk to me about your wife.
-Okay.
She's fantastic. She's very, very funny.
She makes me laugh,
which is really important.
She loved the special. 'Cause, you know,
we've been together for 15 years,
and she had never seen me do stand-up,
'cause I hadn't done stand-up in 15 years.
So, when I made the deal,
she was like, you know,
"Why are you adding this to your plate?
You have so much going on.
This is just gonna be stressful."
But then when she saw me do stand-up,
she just loved it.
-Right.
-And she went to every single performance,
gave me notes. You know
-Is that a little annoying?
-No, it was great
because she'd tell me if I did something
one night a little bit better
and, like, if I mixed, you know,
"You forgot to do this."
Or she just she got way into it,
and she loved it,
and she wants me to go on tour.
-Oh, see, do you wanna go on tour?
-I don't know about a tour,
but I wouldn't mind going
to a few cities and
'Cause I only did a couple, 'cause
I didn't really have time to build up,
'cause I had to go back to the show.
I think because it's you
they would come
and watch you eat a Whopper.
-[audience laughs]
-Yeah.
[audience applauds]
Stay right there.
Eddie
anything I didn't get to?
-[Eddie] No, no. Yeah.
-We all right?
[audience laughs]
Jeez, I want to thank you.
I'm so happy that we now
have had this together,
these two experiences.
-By God, I do love you.
-I love you, too.
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
Ellen DeGeneres, ladies and gentlemen.
[audience cheering, applauding]
You were wonderful.
[DeGeneres]
I'm from New Orleans, Louisiana,
and my only family vacation,
we took a train to Hollywood
to come to Warner Brothers to go see
the set of Gilligan's Island.
And now I have my own stage
on the lot of Warner Brothers.
[Letterman] Hey, look at that!
You got your own building.
That's fantastic.
I know. It was a surprise.
It was for my birthday.
Look at all they shot here.
Life of Emile Zola. 1937.
Jezebel, Bette Davis.
-Strangers on a Train.
-Oh, Dark Victory.
Bonnie and Clyde. Whoa!
A Star Is Born.
-Ellen DeGeneres Show. Wow!
-Yep.
-That is great. Yeah.
-Like I said,
to have my only family vacation here
and then end up
No, this is lovely.
Because, you know,
this structure means something,
and you're on top of that list.
-Okay. Bye.
-All right, say good night, Ellen.
[Letterman] Don't bother me anymore.
[theme music playing]
[David Letterman] This is, like,
a big deal, this show.
[woman] It is.
But this is too much.
You can't do a show in a place this nice.
-[woman] What? Well, that's Ellen. No.
-It's got to be a dump.
We used to wager,
and Mary has this uncanny
hand-eye coordination.
Yes! There you go. That's what
we're talking about. Perfect spiral.
-In the old days, you'd owe me 5 bucks.
-I know.
Uh-oh, look out.
Oh, shit.
Oh, come on. I need somebody
to just trim my eyebrow.
Ow, Jesus! Oh, my God!
What the hell?!
-Okay, roll three.
-[laughing]
Ready three. Roll three!
All right. Thank you, Nicole.
[audience applauding, cheering]
[chattering]
-Oh, my God.
-Hi, Dave.
Where's Paul?
[laughing]
[theme music playing]
Hi, how are you?
[cheering]
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Please have a seat. We're in Glendale.
I want you to look after this.
-Thank you. What's your name, sir?
-Matt.
Don't bend it. Thank you.
Welcome, and what a beautiful theater.
It was originally the Alexander.
But during the restoration of the theater,
they decided that the marquee that
they were fixing outside the courtyard
was not large enough,
so they shortened the name to Alex.
[audience laughs]
Could've been worse. Could've been Al.
Right now we could be enjoying
the evening together in Al.
What's going on here? Uh-oh.
You got to move your car?
What's the problem?
Huh? He didn't pay? What?
Is he on a watch list?
Oh, I know you, for God's sakes.
Who is that guy?
This is your guest's agent.
Oh, well, that's some way to behave, sir.
My guest's agent gets nearly run out
of the theater?
-[audience laughs]
-[man] She's prettier than me.
Well, there's no question of that, sir.
Lassie is prettier than you.
[audience groans]
Come on. It's a joke.
-And who was the woman who came out?
-[Mary] She works for you.
She works for me?
[audience laughs]
Oh, I knew that.
-Okay, and what was your name, sir?
-Eddie.
Eddie. And you were sitting on the aisle,
and she said to you what?
"Will you please move?"
[audience laughs]
Now, if you were a real agent,
you wouldn't take that.
You'd say,
"Hey, why don't you move, lady?"
-Is everything all right?
-Everything's great.
All right, I'm gonna give everybody
a few seconds to change seats.
Whatever reason, go ahead.
Now is your chance.
Anyway, I think probably most people here
know who's on the show
[audience cheers]
with a possible exception of Eddie.
[audience laughs]
I have great respect for this person.
I think I love her.
Please say hello to Ellen DeGeneres.
Thank you very much.
Hey, Ellen, how are you?
Nice to see you.
[audience cheers]
Thank you. I love you, too.
Wherever you go,
does your agent make trouble?
Oh, my God. Eddie.
[laughing]
Well, it seems like
it was your person's fault.
It seems like he was just sitting there
minding his own business--
-Sure, blame me. Why not?
-Well
We'll get to the bottom of this later.
How are you?
I'm fantastic.
I'm very excited about this.
I'm very excited about this.
And I'll just start right off
the beginning
with your stand-up special.
I used to do stand-up,
but I was awful at it. Just awful at it.
Therefore, when I see somebody
who's really good, it hurts my feelings.
[laughing]
Or when I see somebody really bad,
I think, "Oh, the art is dying."
-Yes. I agree.
-The art of stand-up.
So, you were kind enough
to participate in this.
I said, "Okay, let me see
the Netflix thing."
I'm telling you, it's an opus.
-Do you mind if we talk about this?
-I'd love it.
When I was doing this as a kid,
it took me forever
to accumulate new material.
-Yeah.
-And here we have non-stop,
no intermission, no "Hi, where you from?"
It's all solid material done effortlessly.
And the result is hilarity.
How long did it take you?
Tell me ten years.
-Um Um
-[laughing]
So, yeah. It was
It was fast. When it came, it was fast.
I hadn't done stand-up in 15 years
and was done with it,
because it's a hard life, you know,
being on the road.
I just don't like being on stage.
I don't really need it.
Then I felt like I was just repeating
myself all the time,
had run out of material. Then I got
the talk show, was thrilled about that.
So, I didn't think
I was ever gonna do it again.
And then I just wanted
to challenge myself.
It's the same reason I hosted the Oscars.
When I get too complacent and I don't
think I'm challenging myself creatively,
I choose something to scare me. So
my agent, Eddie, everyone knows him
[laughing]
Stand up and take a bow, Eddie!
[audience cheers]
Oh, my.
-An evening with Ellen featuring Eddie.
-Yeah.
So Eddie said, "You know, I think
it would be great to do stand-up again."
And I, for some reason--
And we were on the plane on the way back
from getting the Medal of Freedom.
Oh, my God. How about that?
Now, right there.
[audience applauds]
Tell people what that indicates,
what that event is like,
what it means to you,
and what it represents.
-And then we'll get back to the other.
-Okay. In that way, I am much like you,
as far as accolades and awards
and Emmys and People's Choice Awards.
I try not to pay attention
to what people write about me,
'cause if I believe the good,
I have to believe the bad
'cause it's just an opinion.
I usually say no to anything
that someone wants to give me,
and I get this call that Barack Obama
wants to give me the Medal of Freedom.
At the moment, it was emotional.
It was like, "Oh, my God. That's amazing."
I didn't even know what that meant,
but I just knew it was something.
I didn't know it was the highest award
a civilian could--
-Yeah.
-Yes.
So, then I'm on my way there
and everyone--
my friends are saying,
"You have to take this in.
You have to be there
and be present and take it in."
And I had just been to the White House
for his birthday party.
So, the night of the Medal of Freedom,
I don't bring my ID,
-'cause I think, "Why do I need ID?"
-Exactly.
But when you go to the White House,
you always have to have ID.
And so they wouldn't let me in.
And I was sitting
-Oh, no, no.
-Yeah.
I'm out on the bench.
Like, it's freezing.
And Bruce Springsteen and his wife
walked past, and they're--
-[audience laughs]
-He's getting the award also.
And they're like, "What are you doing?"
And I said, "They won't let me in.
-I don't have an ID." And he's like
-[laughing]
Like, "How do you not bring an ID
to the White House?"
I said, "I was just here for
the birthday party. They know who I am."
[laughing]
And then Portia thinks it's a good idea
to photograph it
and send it out to Instagram.
Two minutes later, they came and got me
and put me in because they
[audience laughs]
-The miracle of social media.
-Yeah, they somehow were embarrassed.
[laughing]
[Ellen DeGeneres]So I'm there,
and I'm with all these amazing people
receiving the same award.
And I'm still calm.
You know, it's cool, but, you know.
So, then I'm onstage--
-May I interrupt?
-Yes.
Before the presentation,
there is a citation for all of the reasons
-it's being presented.
-Right.
-What did they say?
-I don't know. I don't re--
[audience laughs]
I was just sitting there listening
to what he was saying,
and I could see Michelle Obama
in the front row.
And we've kind of become, you know,
friends, and she's looking at me,
and she just started shaking her head,
and she had tears in her eyes.
So, I just started shaking my head,
and I had tears in my eyes.
I was just, like, whatever she was doing,
I just started
[audience laughs]
-It's the etiquette of the--
-Yeah, I just cried
'cause she was crying and then she kept
And then we're both are just looking
at each other, shaking our heads.
So, then I got really emotional,
and I took it in because
he's an amazing man
who I admire and respect.
And he was telling me
that I was a brave person,
when all my life I considered myself
to be extremely weak
and scared of everything.
And the fact that I took chances
and that I took the biggest chance,
which was coming out,
which I thought would ruin my career,
which everyone told me would ruin
my career, and I'm sitting here,
getting this award from the President
of the United States.
[audience applauds]
-Congratulations.
-Thank you.
And this happened 16-plus years ago
-when you came out as a gay woman.
-Twenty-one.
Sixteen years the talk show,
but 21 years ago I came out.
And what we're dealing with there
is needless ignorance and prejudice.
-Fear.
-Fear. Yes.
-And the problem's not been solved.
-No.
But good things are happening
because of you.
Following the closet metaphor,
you've opened the door.
But now, looking back on it,
doesn't seem like,
"Well, yeah, what's the problem here?"
Yeah. Once I made that decision,
I did feel that. I mean,
when you're filled with shame
Shame. You're feeling shame.
You're told that from the moment
you recognize the fact that you
are different, that you're gay.
Every billboard you see,
every advertisement you see
is usually white people,
and it's a man and a woman.
You don't see same-sex couples
selling toothpaste.
You don't see same-sex couples
having fun.
You don't see them kissing.
You don't see them holding hands.
And you're constantly bombarded
with, "You're different.
And please, if you are, stay quiet
and we don't want to know about it."
So
to get to a point where I finally realized
that it was more important
to stop hating myself and feeling ashamed
of who I was and risk it all.
And then once I did, I was like
Even though I lost everything for a while,
I was like,
"Well, that was the right decision."
"Lost everything" meaning what?
No one wanted to hire me.
No one wanted to work with me.
[Letterman] The show was canceled
shortly after the season
-you came out on the on the show.
-Yep.
-[Letterman] So, that's gone.
-Well, they stopped advertising it.
I think ABC and Disney wanted
to just put their hands up and go,
"We're not advertising it."
All the sponsors were stopping.
So, they just kind of let it slowly die.
And the season after
the coming out episode was
so well-written,
the most important season,
'cause it was the woman in her 30s
all of a sudden recognizing
for the first time in her life
who she is and having to deal with that
and how awkward and uncomfortable it is,
and how her friends reacted
and how her boss reacted and her parents.
So, it was an education
for myself, too, you know.
No one watched it, so
And no one even told me it was canceled.
My assistant told me he read it
in the trades.
This brings up
so many points of interest for me,
not the least of which is the cowardice
of these enormous
entertainment corporations.
Because they're pretending that you
might be the only gay person
on the planet.
-Yeah.
-So
-"Jeez! We don't want that!"
-Yeah.
When in fact
you're creating an awareness
that ultimately, for these folks will be,
-you know, fruitfully marketable.
-Yeah.
Tell me about the realization
that you were gay.
I remember being in an elevator
with my dad and
and I always looked like a boy,
I was very tomboyish.
And this girl, this waitress,
got in the elevator.
We were on vacation, and she
she looked at me, I was ten years old.
And I think around, she said,
"God, what a cute little boy."
And I was just thinking to my father,
"Don't say I'm a girl."
And he's said, "Oh, it's a little girl."
And I was just
I wanted her to think I was
a cute little boy, you know, and I--
[squeaking sound]
[audience laughs]
It's elephant night.
-A lot of
-[laughing]
Jesus Christ!
I'm sure that was Eddie.
[laughing]
So, you know, it's not like I wanted to,
you know, be a boy.
I mean, the only reason I wanted
to be a boy
is 'cause I thought it was the only way
to be with girls.
And then it continued through high school,
and a lot of straight girls would say,
you know,
things like, "If you were a boy,
you'd be my--"
There was always a connection I had
with girls in a different way.
But then I had boyfriends
and I liked them.
I think that's what was so shocking
to my mother when I finally told her.
But it really wasn't until
in high school my best friend,
one night just out of nowhere,
she just tells me that, you know,
she's in love with me,
and she wants to kiss me, and I'm
I was, like, scared to death.
I didn't know, but then once we kissed,
it was like, "Oh, that's
That feels completely different
then the boys that I've been with."
I just didn't know,
because there's no representation.
And I think it's different now
because, you know, I'm on television,
there are a lot of out people.
Not enough, but you know,
I think if you knew that your teacher
was gay or your doctor was gay
or people that have
a successful, happy life,
and you can see that there's a future
that isn't gonna be dismal,
that you're not gonna be an outcast,
I think more kids would do it.
The thing that breaks my heart
about this particular story
and because it had not occurred to me,
but of course, it's part of
the circumstance, is the shame.
After this experience
did the shame ameliorate,
or was it the same?
No, it went away.
Then it turned into anger,
because I was so mad at, you know,
this industry of, you know,
just because I revealed this truth
about myself that I know everyone knew.
Is it any of my business to ask
about the talk with your mother?
Yeah, sure.
I think everybody who is gay
and tells their parents they're gay cries.
And I never knew why. I told my mother
that I was gay, and I just started crying.
And it's because it's the first time
that word comes out of your mouth
and you're saying it.
Obviously, once you realize you're gay,
you're not out loud going, "I'm gay."
Like, you just are, you know.
Looking in the mirror, "You're gay."
It's such an emotion
when it comes out of your mouth
and when you say, "I'm gay."
So, I told my mother that. We were walking
on the beach in Mississippi and
she just she didn't understand it.
Didn't understand that you were gay
or didn't understand what gay was?
-That I was gay.
-Yeah.
And then she started trying
to do some research.
She went to the library or something.
It was in, you know, some section
that was, you know,
deviants or, you know,
something that's like you know.
She was worried for me,
and she thought it was a phase.
Were you ostracized because of this
in high school,
-or was this okay?
-No one knew.
-No one knew.
-No. We'd be on dates with our boyfriends
and run into the bathroom
and make out and go back
[audience laughs]
to our boyfriends.
[audience applauds]
I think I've had that happen to me.
[laughing]
I don't want to be dumb and clumsy
about this,
but there's a lot of about this
that I don't know.
A lot about everything I don't know.
So, thank you for putting up with me.
You're on a successful
prime time television show,
and then everything goes away
for three years.
And you're in the wilderness
for three years.
What are you doing
in that three-year period?
I moved out of Los Angeles,
and I went to Ojai just to get out of LA.
And I was just kind of, you know,
by myself and
running out of money,
'cause I didn't have a piece of the show.
Did you have representation
at that point?
-No. Eddie wasn't with me.
The one thing that did happen is
Andrew Stanton, who wrote
and directed Finding Nemo,
he has his character, Dory,
and she has short term memory loss,
and he's trying to figure out how you make
that funny without offending someone.
And he's just as animation nerd,
so he probably hadn't seen Time magazine
or heard all the stuff about me
-or anything.
-You're on the cover Time magazine.
-Yeah.
-Yeah, that's when Time magazine
-was an opinion maker/changer.
-Yeah.
So, he hears in the background, on the TV,
this rambling person
who starts the subject, but then goes way,
way off and never comes back to it,
which is what I used to do in my sitcom
and what I used to do in comedy.
And he's like, "That's Dory."
And so he tracked me down and said,
"Please say yes to this.
I'm writing this with you in mind."
And I was like, you know,
"I have nothing to do.
-Of course I'm gonna say yes to this."
-[audience laughs]
And so I got paid scale. It was
like $75,000 for three years of work,
-which was great for me because
-That's a cool 25 G's a year.
Right.
[laughing]
-I was living the life, Dave.
-Yeah.
So, I'm getting nothing. I'm--
You know, nothing's happening,
and I'm going to my mailbox.
There's nothing there,
but I go to my mailbox,
and I don't know how long
this had been, maybe a month or so,
and this girl comes up to me
and she says,
"My mom lives across the street from you,
and she is an astrologer,
and she wants to read your cards."
And I was like, "Oh." You know, I--
[audience laughs]
And, you know, but I'm not busy,
so I, you know.
-[laughing]
-So
I go to this woman's tree house,
and she's
[audience laughs]
-Very good.
-Oh, no. It was a tree house.
And she hasn't combed her hair
for a long time and
So, she starts reading my cards.
And she says to me,
"When you're 45 years old,
you are gonna start a brand-new job.
You can go 20 years if you want to go.
You're gonna be more famous
than you've ever been.
You're gonna make more money
than you've ever made."
And I'm like, "No one"--
First of all, at 45, you're done
in Hollywood If you're a woman.
Like, there's no way And no one
is gonna hire me 45,
and what sitcom goes 20 years?
And when I was 45, I started my talk show.
Wow.
[audience applauding]
I was like
Well, again,
this brings up some questions.
Is this coincidence?
[laughs]
Because there is no scientific evidence
that what she was communicating to you
could possibly have been based on facts.
Look, I talk to her
every year now because, you know.
-Put her on the payroll.
-Yep.
She's always right.
I mean, I don't understand it.
Was it me manifesting it some way
-and guiding it? Right.
-Self-fulfilling prophecy.
I believe that our intention
creates our reality.
I believe our thoughts are energy.
So
You know, so maybe, I don't know,
but it-- Slowly I started, you know,
I hosted Saturday Night Live,
and Lorne Michaels wanted to offer me
a talk show because Rosie was leaving,
but a lot of the station managers
didn't want to buy the show,
because they thought no one wanted
to watch,
you know, a lesbian during the day.
And so
[audience laughs]
So
-What is the right time to watch lesbians?
-That's what I said, yeah.
[Letterman] Why did they ask you
to host Saturday Night Live?
-Was it because of Nemo?
-No.
Eddie?
-[audience laughs]
-What's that?
Oh, I hosted the Emmys after 9/11.
For all practical purposes,
other than Nemo,
-you flatlined.
-Yep.
And now you get a chance
to host the Emmys.
-Yep.
-So, how do you explain that?
I can't.
I don't know why they asked me,
but it was very successful
'cause you had to hit the right note.
You had to have the right tone--
[Letterman] So, at this point,
are you thinking,
"Oh, maybe the awareness of being gay
-is gaining some insights, enlightenment?"
-I don't know.
I wasn't thinking about that.
I was just trying to make money.
I was trying to get back
into the business, you know.
I was hoping people would just let that go
and just know that that's
I mean, I never did it as a statement,
so that that would be
the defining factor of who I am.
I think what happened was,
I wrote The Beginning,
to begin again.
And it's how I began my career.
But when I I went on tour,
it was literally 90% lesbians,
some gay men, but mostly lesbians,
and some straight people
who were brave enough to come out.
But everyone really thought it was
gonna be some kind of gay tour,
and, you know, the straight people
wouldn't understand the language.
-They wanted you to
-[audience laughs]
-They wanted you to be the spokesperson.
-Right.
The ad hoc pioneer who will take this
to another level.
And I kept saying, "I am not your leader.
I don't want to be your leader."
I'm not political.
I don't want to be an activist.
I did it to free my soul.
And now I'm a comedian, I'm funny.
I want people to remember that.
And it took me a few tours
to get my audience back,
'cause I lost my straight audience.
And the gay people, like I said,
you know, there weren't enough gay jokes,
and I wasn't, like, their comedian.
So, I was being attacked for, you know,
being too gay or not gay enough,
and I couldn't figure out
the balance of it.
So, now you superseded all of that.
You are an inspiration, a role model,
to men, women, straight, gay, whatever,
because of who you are as a person
and because of your generous spirit.
-Well, I'm
-[audience cheers and applauds]
-I mean, that's it.
-You know
I guess I'm trying to say,
you're a leader now
in the best possible sense
because it's for everyone.
Yeah. And like I said,
I always felt I was a weak person.
And so to get to actually
be proud of myself that I took chances
and made decisions
that were tough decisions
and started gaining confidence in myself
instead of being so insecure,
and then I look out at my audience
and I see every age,
every color and know
that that's what my audience is
and that's what I'm attracting.
It's like I can't believe
that I got here from there.
So I'm-- That makes me really happy.
And the president puts that ribbon
around your neck and there you go.
-Yeah. Amazing.
-Yeah.
Well deserved.
I don't get invited many places,
but you were kind enough to invite me
to your show.
Ruined it!
-Did you notice I couldn't stop talking?
-It was fine.
-No, no. I'd say I got a thing.
-You were great.
It's a glandular disorder.
I can't stop talking.
I want to talk to you because
I thought were hilarious.
-'Cause you started this thing.
-Oh, I am hilarious.
[laughing]
I mean-- right?
[DeGeneres] We're gonna take a break.
More with Dave after this.
[Letterman]
We stand farther back in the corner.
All right.
-[man] Oh!
-[Letterman] Oh, Jesus.
-That sickens me. God dang it!
-[laughing]
-You've been practicing, right?
-I've never done that, no.
That was like I hit the golf ball
on your show.
It was the most beautiful shot,
and I hadn't played in ages.
-I'm a showman.
-Nice job. Good for you.
I had two shows.
They were just dumps. And this is,
you know, like out here, It's like
Oh, my God.
It's just like a hall of fame of people
that would never do my show.
-Did you wanna play ping pong?
-We didn't have a ping--
And look, this is the gift shop.
-No, I don't think we use this.
-Can I have it?
Yeah.
And there were so many things
in the dressing room,
so many gifts and nice items.
These are the underpants
everyone's talking about.
And a big screen TV.
Could I have the big screen TV?
Yes. Yes, it's a TCL 4K Roku.
-Roku. I say it a lot on this show.
-[Letterman laughs]
[Letterman] This is Warner Brothers.
-That's production over there--
-How old are these buildings?
They look like they're authentic,
like '30s?
-Yeah.
-Look at that. Your name is everywhere!
Ya!
Jesus Christ!
[DeGeneres laughs]
-It's so fun to do.
-But are you all right, ma'am?
Get the paddles.
[laughs] I like that you-- I don't know.
What's your name?
-Janet.
-Okay, Janet.
-You don't even know her--
-No, I don't know her. I--
-That's a crime.
-No. Let's see who else is here.
You have courage. Hi. Nyuh!
-Oh, you can't do it when they're--
-I can't do anything.
[Letterman] We're gonna send a guy up
later to measure.
So any personal belongings you have,
just put them in a crate.
I don't know who that is.
-I'm Ellen. I'm your boss.
-Nice to meet you.
See, there's a lot of offices.
You can understand why I don't get around.
What are we pretending to do in here?
[laughing]
Uh-huh. Has the topic
of editing tonight's show come up?
[man] I'll clean it up.
Yeah, clean it up--
Hand grenade kind of edit?
-[man] I know you love compliments.
-Yeah.
It was one of our favorite days
in 16 years.
It really was.
-Yep.
-Take the week off.
-Good night, everybody.
-[all laugh]
What, are they on sale?
God Almighty! [laughs]
Yeah, these have been on back-order.
There in now if anybody wants one.
That's pretty impressive.
-How many of those do you have?
-I don't know.
-[man] We have 32.
-[Letterman] Thirty-two. Thank you.
The disembodied voice.
And did you win Wimbledon one year?
-Yeah.
-Congratulations.
[man] We just gotta put her in things
she wouldn't belong in here.
-Sorry, Ellen.
-That's all right, Troy. You're fired.
-He saw me. I can't.
-[man] Jesus Christ.
I can't. He saw me.
I was gonna scare Andy.
Yaaaaa!
-Fuck you!
-[laughing]
-Did that really work?
-That was the right person to do it to.
[DeGeneres] I didn't tell him to do that.
I swear to God.
-[Letterman] Come on. Don't lie.
-I did not.
She did. She said, "Go in there
and scare the guy with the thing."
-Sorry. Yes, she did.
-I did not. I swear to God.
-She's lying.
-[laughs] He's lying.
He's lying.
Was your family religious?
Yes, they were very reli--
Christian Science.
-It's a religion of denial, really.
-[audience laughs]
-Do people still practice Christian--
-Oh, a lot of people do.
Yeah, a lot of people got mad
that I mentioned it in my
special because, you know,
it's not everyone's experience.
Some people are, you know, extremist.
And my father was, you know,
he didn't believe in
going to a doctor, taking medicine,
anything like that.
So, if we were hurt in any way,
everything was fine.
Everything was fine why?
Because this this is not real.
This is just matter.
What's real is God.
And our, you know, our belief
only makes something so.
A disavowing of modern medical care,
I don't even think that's legal, is it?
Yeah, it is. I mean
And I was exempt from,
you know, unfortunately, science.
I couldn't go to
I didn't learn anything about the body.
I didn't learn anything about science
that has nothing to do with the body.
I didn't go to science classes
because of that.
And so I didn't learn about lots of things
that have nothing to do with the body
that really I'm angry about.
-Did you question it right away?
-Oh, I questioned Yeah.
I would get kicked out of Sunday school
because, you know
She would say, you know,
"If you cut this table's leg,
you know, it would not feel pain."
And I was like, you know,
"But it wouldn't bleed, either."
You just couldn't question anything.
Well, that's not Sunday school,
that's shop class.
-Oh. [laughs]
-[audience laughs]
[laughs] Whole different deal.
There's a divorce in your family.
Your mother and father.
when you're 13, right?
-It may be the worst time for a divorce.
-Yep.
You didn't see it coming.
There weren't fights,
there wasn't bickering.
As far as you knew,
everything was more or less okay.
-Is that accurate?
-Yeah.
Everything in the house was always fine.
It was always "harmonious."
That was the word that my dad used.
But this wasn't an effect
of the Christian Scientists?
I don't think it was a healthy
good marriage. I mean, you know,
I certainly wouldn't want to emulate that
in a relationship.
I think that's what's important
for parents to know.
It's like sometimes is not better
to stay for the children,
because your children are looking
at your relationship as an example
of what love is. And there was really
no affection, there was no nurturing.
And not even with us,
you know, that kind of affection.
No hugging, no kissing.
Did they tell you that they loved you?
-Did you hear that?
-Yeah, they would say it,
but I really picture our family growing up
as like cardboard cutouts
around the dining room table.
So the divorce
big surprise or did you
sort of try to take it in stride
the way the rest of your life
had been at home?
Yeah, nothing really affected me.
I was like, "Wow, okay."
And then my mother and I lived together.
And my brother went off
and joined a band and traveled.
Your brother had his own success
in comedy.
He was Mr. Hands from Mr. Bill, yes.
[audience applauds]
Dad was funny?
-Mom was not funny?
-My mother's more kind of sarcastic funny,
and my father just was silly funny.
Like, if Helen Reddy and Don Knotts
were on tour together,
I guess the headline would be
"Reddy or Knotts."
You know, it was like, you know.
Wait a minute, let me Can I
Can I just write that?
That's pretty good for dad,
I'm telling you.
[DeGeneres laughs]
So, now it's you and your mom,
your mom starts dating.
-Yeah.
-And what does that do to a kid?
-Are you all right with that or not?
-No, it's horrible.
She was my mother,
plus I'd never seen that side of her.
It was weird. She turned into
kind of a different person.
She was drinking beer, which-- I mean,
we didn't drink alcohol. No one drank.
No one smoked. No one cursed.
No one raised their voice.
And she, all of a sudden--
I think she was just so
wanting to get out of that relationship
for so long
Both of them suffering in silence equally,
apparently, it wasn't like,
"I've had it, I got to go."
-They both wanted this.
-No, my dad didn't want it.
-Oh, he didn't want it?
-He was devastated.
He was crying and
-It was
-Oh, God.
That's what I'm talking about, 13.
And you see your father crying
because there's gonna be a divorce.
That's heartbreaking.
He didn't know how
to take care of himself, so
'Cause he'd always been taken care of by,
you know, women in his life.
So, I kind of had to go take care of him.
Like, I go to his apartment
and, literally, there'd be nothing there.
And in the refrigerator,
there would be a jar
that had like this much chocolate milk
left in it with a knife
that he was stirring it with.
Like, it was really sad.
He's the one that I got fear from.
He was very neurotic.
He didn't want me to go
into this business.
He wanted me to sell cars
'cause that was a safer thing to do.
He really tried to support me
and was very happy for me,
but he couldn't express it himself.
He would say, "You know,
the guy at the car wash
thinks you're really funny.
The dry cleaners saw your Carson,
said you were good."
-Oh, yeah.
-He didn't know how to do that.
And what becomes of mom?
She remarries?
Yeah, she remarried a very bad man.
-Very bad man.
-And this is the man that hurt you?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, he
Yeah.
Is that it?
-I mean, I'm fine if that's it.
-No, I know, it's just
That's another thing that, you know,
I'm angry at myself because,
you know, I didn't
I was too weak to stand up to--
I was, you know, 15 or 16
I mean, it's a really horrible,
horrible story
and the only reason I'm actually
gonna go into detail about it
is
because I want other girls to not,
you know,
ever let someone do that.
And you may not even air this,
I don't know, but
My mother had had breast cancer
right after they got married.
So she had a breast removed, and
they had a very, very sexual relationship,
which was also very uncomfortable for me.
And
he told me when she was out of town
that he'd felt a lump in her breast
and needed to feel my breasts
because he didn't want to upset her,
but he needed to feel mine.
Again, 'cause I didn't know about bodies,
I don't know that breasts
are all different and
Anyway, he convinced me that he needs
to feel my breasts and
then he tries to do it again
another time, and then
another time.
He tries to break my door down,
and I kicked the window out and ran
'cause I knew it was gonna do
It was gonna go more to something
And I didn't want to tell my mother,
'cause I was protecting her and I knew
that that would ruin her happiness.
And she was happy with him,
even though he was a horrible man,
and I should never have protected her.
I should have protected myself,
and I didn't tell her for a few years,
and then I told her.
And then she didn't believe me.
And then she stayed with him
for 18 more years.
And
finally left him because he'd changed
the story so many times.
-So, she did confront him about the story?
-Yeah, but he said I was lying.
And then she
stayed with him.
So, that that made me really angry.
So, this is a fissure between you
and your mother now.
-Mm-hmm.
-And how was that repaired?
It was fine, 'cause I just, I always
have taken care of her my whole life.
So, I just
I just kept taking care of her.
I didn't really let it get to me.
And, until recently,
it's like, you know,
I kind of went, "That's--
I wish I would have been
better taken care of.
I wish she would have believed me."
And she's apologetic, but, you know
-So, it was talked out. Talked over.
-Yeah. Yeah.
Thank you.
[audience applauding]
What most women do is, we just
we just don't feel like we have a voice.
And that's the only reason that
this is the first time I've ever
you know, talked about this to anyone
other than my friends.
We just don't feel like we're worthy,
or we, we're scared to have a voice,
and we're scared to say no and
You know, part of it I blame
because I really, you know
That first time, he really convinced me
that he didn't want to upset her,
and he really felt another lump,
and he really would just like
And then, when I didn't let him
the next time, you know, it just
he just kept taunting me and pretending
like he was coming at me all the time.
That's the only reason I think
it's important to talk about it
because there's so many young girls,
and it doesn't matter how old you are.
And when I see people speaking out,
especially now,
it angers me when victims
aren't believed,
because
we just don't make stuff up.
And I like men, but there are so many men
that get away with so much.
It is just time for us to have a voice.
It's time for us to have power.
Please welcome to the program
one of my favorites, Ellen DeGeneres.
[audience applauding]
Thanks very much.
You know, so I flew in today
from Washington, DC,
that's where I was last night,
and on the plane
there's a fly.
And I just felt so sorry for that fly
because the fly accidentally wanders
into this structure, which is an airport,
and then wanders into another area,
which happens to be a plane.
And now he's on his way to New York.
He has no idea
that he's on his way to New York.
And he's flying while he's on the plane.
So, you know he's looking out the window,
-thinking, "I am going very, very fast."
-[audience laughs]
I have to say this, being on your show
was so important to comedians.
I mean, it was everything.
And I had been on Johnny Carson,
which was a huge deal for me
That's the real important show for comedy.
It is. It was for me,
it was for everybody.
But still, the thing is,
you wanna be on Letterman because
you're smart and you're funny
and you're, you know,
edgier, and that was a big thing.
Even looking back at the first appearance
I had on your show in 93,
I was so nervous because it was
everything to be on your show.
And then to be sitting here,
talking to you,
and you wanting to talk to me,
and get here in my life,
this is like the Medal of Freedom thing
for me.
[audience applauds and cheers]
Thank you.
That's never been better spoken
almost to the point where I believe it.
[laughing]
But let's talk about your first time
on Carson.
We'll see if we have the same experience.
-From you being on the first time, too?
-Yeah.
Well, the first time I was on,
I got bumped because
Robert Goulet was singing "Memories"
and he kept forgetting the words.
Carson thought that was so funny
that they didn't want to stop and start
He was crying laughing,
it was so funny.
And I'm backstage pacing 'cause I don't
want to sit down and ruin my nice outfit.
-You've seen it. And so,
-[laughs]
I see this going on and on,
and everyone's laughing except for me
going, "I am gonna get bumped.
I know it."
So, anyway, I got bumped.
Let me interrupt you,
the good thing is got bumped
because could you have followed
that nonsense?
-Probably not.
-Yeah.
So they booked me for the following week,
and I was so nervous.
I had time to really think about it.
And I went to a store on Melrose
to get something,
and I go inside and I come back out.
This is the day that I'm gonna go
to Carson again,
and my car is gone and I'm like,
"Oh, my God. My car got stolen."
And then I hear horns honking
and everything.
I forgot to put the emergency brake on,
so it had rolled all the way down.
[audience gasps]
It was in the intersection
of La Cienega and Melrose.
People are honking, and there's no one
in the car, and it's just rolling
[laughing]
-I'm running after the car.
-Yeah! Wow!
-Yes!
-That was the day of Carson.
Oh, my God.
So then, yeah, you're standing back there,
and the curtains are, you know,
and you're hearing the band play
and it is just, you know, you can hear
and feel your heart beating out
of your chest.
And it was so important to me,
I had decided
that I was gonna be the first woman
in the history of the show
to sit down with him.
-He did call you over?
-Yeah.
Complimented you?
And it was everything that I'd hope for.
Yeah, when I did it,
I knew it would go well
because the four minutes or whatever
you choose for that show is
is instilled in your brain.
You could do it under anesthetic.
You could do it asleep, you could do it
if your car was rolling across
[audience laughs]
Was that the experience for you
that it was just
You can have one of those experiences
where you're delivering
your material and you're thinking,
"Okay, this is going pretty well,"
and it's so rote that it's automatic.
Well, the problem was,
I was doing "A Phone Call to God,"
and you can't say "Jesus Christ" on TV.
There's a part
in "Phone Call to God" when I say,
"There are certain things on this Earth,
I mean, Jesus Christ.
No, not that. We're still talking
about that. That was great."
And then I go on.
And I had been doing that bit forever,
and I had to remember to edit out,
you know, "There's certain things.
I mean, Jesus Christ. Oh, not that."
You know, so I had to jump from that to
I think I said Charro and Well, I think
he said Charro, I said, "No, not Charro."
-[laughs]
-'Cause God tells me Charro.
Onward Christian soldier mar ♪
Yeah, I just sang along to your tape.
[laughs]
[audience laughs]
Yeah.
It's not a tape, they're good.
They're great.
Listen, there are certain things
on this Earth
I just don't understand why they're here.
No, not Charro. No.
No.
But there are certain things,
like insects.
No, bees are great.
The honey. That's clever. [laughs]
Yeah, I was thinking more about fleas,
they seem to have no bene--
No, I didn't realize how many people
are employed by the flea collar industry.
Was the first piece, forgive this,
serious comedy
-Yeah.
-writing that you had done?
But people knew that I was funny.
I had been on stage once before,
but I didn't have--
-This is the Whopper?
-Yeah.
Tell me the origin of that,
because to me that's other worldly.
How did you hear about the Whopper story?
-We've all heard about the Whopper story.
-[laughs]
We were trying to raise money for some
cause, I don't even know what it was.
I don't remember, but it was like friends
trying to put on a show..
And somebody was gonna sing
and play guitar and someone said,
you know, "You're funny,
get on stage and do something."
And I didn't have material,
I was just, you know.
And so I had a bag with a Whopper,
fries, and I had a shake.
And I walk on stage and I said,
"I am so sorry, but this is the first time
I've ever been on stage and I'm so nervous
that I didn't eat all day long
and I got to eat something
'cause I'm so hungry."
And I started a sentence,
and would unwrap it and I said,
"I don't know if you've ever noticed this,
but" then I would take a huge bite.
[audience laughs]
And I would hold my finger up
and swallow,
"Whoa! That's better." And then I would
start the sentence again,
and then I would take another bite
and then
And I ate the entire thing
never finished the sentence and said,
"Oh, my time is up," and then I left.
So
Wow!
But you know now,
and you must've known at the time,
that takes tremendous courage.
Because it could only go two ways.
-Yeah.
-And it went your way.
It was "Andy Kaufmanesque".
I mean, I was a big fan of his,
and I loved how strange he was
and yes, it was definitely
-It was tricky.
-Wow.
So, I was unaware
that you and Andy overlap.
-I never saw him live. No.
-You never saw him live.
I saw him on, I guess, other shows.
I don't remember exactly.
And I had Steve Martin's albums
and I was a big fan of Woody Allen's
before he married his daughter,
-and I
-[audience laughs]
So
[laughing]
I am so pleased with very few things
in my career, but one
was my association with Andy Kaufman,
and
-[audience applauds]
-[Letterman laughs]
and he would come on our show.
The wrestler Jerry Lawler
offended Andy and Andy said,
"You're not a kind of
Nobody says that to" And then
Jerry Lawler punched him. I don't know.
[laughs]
But Andy told me the whole thing before.
He said, "Here's what's gonna happen."
And I appreciated that this guy, who
I regarded as a genius, was letting me in.
It was so strange, as you know, that
people thought that he faked his death.
That no one really believed he died,
because he would do something like that.
Yeah. That's kind of the ultimate credit
to an artist.
-Isn't it?
-Right, yeah.
My brother saw him in New York
and he told me, like,
he pitched a tent, took time to build it,
went in
-and went to sleep. People were waiting
-[audience laughs]
waiting to see him come out,
and he just went to sleep.
I mean, that's fantastic.
Yeah, it is. That's a different version
of the Whopper.
Except that I had to stop that,
'cause I would've gained a lot of weight.
I couldn't do that every time.
-Wow! Strong.
-Yeah.
Remember Demi Moore was naked,
so I did that.
-Very strong.
-Thank you. It's material.
Oh, man! Oh, Jesus!
I think this guy is as close to genius
-as people get in comedy.
-I agree.
You don't wanna hear it,
but you and Steve
No, that's right.
My IQ was right in the low '90s.
-Yes, it is.
-So
-Yaaaa!
-Oh, my God!
[laughing]
And I saw you coming, too.
This is a horrible place to work,
isn't it?
[Letterman] Yeah, no,
you don't need to lie for me.
So, that's Clint Eastwood's car.
I think he's there.
-We should just burst in.
-All right, let's do it.
You want to? I don't know if he's there
or not. He feeds the squirrels.
They come into his desk,
and they sit on his desk.
-He's gotten to be that guy.
-Yeah. [laughs]
-Is Clint here? Hi.
-I'm Dave Letterman.
-You know
-What the hell happened to your face?
Yeah. I can say the same to you.
[DeGeneres] He just did my show.
[Letterman] And now we're bothering
other people.
And I said, "I think that's Clint's car.
I think he's there, let's go."
'Cause I knew you'd want to see me.
-So I said, "Let's--" So
-Of course I'd wanna see you.
I used to have to hit you out
of that tree.
Yeah, I know. Not anymore.
Where are your squirrels?
You have the door closed.
-They can't come in.
-Yeah, they can't come in.
-Do you have time for golf joke?
-Yeah.
A guy's playing golf
-Do you play golf?
-Yeah.
Him and his caddie.
First hole, he's, like, six over par.
Second hole, he can't find his ball.
The whole thing goes on like that.
He's hitting, shanking them off his ankle,
and finally they get to the 18th hole,
and the guy says, "God damn it.
If I don't get this ball on the green,
I'm gonna get in that pond,
and I'm gonna drown myself."
And the caddie says, "I don't think you
can keep your head down long enough."
-[laughing]
-See? There you go!
[DeGeneres] You have to keep
your head down and hit the--
[Letterman] There you go.
Well, if you have to explain it
I have to go now, Clint.
It's nice when you can just walk in
and say hi to Clint Eastwood.
Yeah, it could've gone completely haywire
when he saw me.
-Really?
-I'm pretty good with my fists, though.
[DeGeneres laughs]
Boom! Clint goes down. [laughs]
Hi.
All right. So, let's go back to the--
where we--
[audience laughs]
where we started all of this
was your special Relatable,
and how long did it take you and
I don't know where we interrupted that,
but we did. So, let's finish that.
Okay. All right.
[laughing]
It was weird because I for about
I made the deal,
didn't have any idea
of what I wanted to talk about,
but just thought,
"I want to challenge myself."
And then almost gave the money back
several times,
'cause I really just I had nothing.
You know, when you have writer's block
and you're stressed like,
"What am I gonna talk about?
My life is so different now."
And then that's when the whole thing,
I just went to the ridiculous,
over-the-top wealth
and how I live and my butler Batu.
And I just decided
that's what I'm going to start out with.
And then the title Relatable came to me
about, you know, being relatable.
And so then I
I had, like, 15 minutes,
I tried it out on stage,
and it went really, really well.
So, from blank page to what I saw
on Netflix, how long?
Eddie?
-[audience laughs]
-Like eight months?
Not that many performances,
but eight months.
But, like, it just poured out of me.
Then I had to weave it together
to make a story,
-which is to me the most important thing.
-Right.
It comes back around in a lovely fashion.
As well crafted as any hour
and ten minutes of entertainment
-you will see anywhere.
-Thanks. I
[audience cheering, applauding]
How close are we? Are we all right?
Is everything good here?
-You and I?
-Yeah.
-We love each other.
-Yes.
Is there anything we haven't covered?
No. I think we covered a lot more
than I even intended on covering.
Go home and talk to my mother.
[laughs]
By God, I've done
a pretty good job here with this.
It's amazing. You remembered
all kinds of things.
You didn't look down at anything.
How much longer
will you do the television talk show?
On contract, next year's my last year.
But we're also, you know,
talking about continuing,
-and I probably will.
-Yeah.
[audience cheers and applauds]
-Talk to me about your wife.
-Okay.
She's fantastic. She's very, very funny.
She makes me laugh,
which is really important.
She loved the special. 'Cause, you know,
we've been together for 15 years,
and she had never seen me do stand-up,
'cause I hadn't done stand-up in 15 years.
So, when I made the deal,
she was like, you know,
"Why are you adding this to your plate?
You have so much going on.
This is just gonna be stressful."
But then when she saw me do stand-up,
she just loved it.
-Right.
-And she went to every single performance,
gave me notes. You know
-Is that a little annoying?
-No, it was great
because she'd tell me if I did something
one night a little bit better
and, like, if I mixed, you know,
"You forgot to do this."
Or she just she got way into it,
and she loved it,
and she wants me to go on tour.
-Oh, see, do you wanna go on tour?
-I don't know about a tour,
but I wouldn't mind going
to a few cities and
'Cause I only did a couple, 'cause
I didn't really have time to build up,
'cause I had to go back to the show.
I think because it's you
they would come
and watch you eat a Whopper.
-[audience laughs]
-Yeah.
[audience applauds]
Stay right there.
Eddie
anything I didn't get to?
-[Eddie] No, no. Yeah.
-We all right?
[audience laughs]
Jeez, I want to thank you.
I'm so happy that we now
have had this together,
these two experiences.
-By God, I do love you.
-I love you, too.
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
Ellen DeGeneres, ladies and gentlemen.
[audience cheering, applauding]
You were wonderful.
[DeGeneres]
I'm from New Orleans, Louisiana,
and my only family vacation,
we took a train to Hollywood
to come to Warner Brothers to go see
the set of Gilligan's Island.
And now I have my own stage
on the lot of Warner Brothers.
[Letterman] Hey, look at that!
You got your own building.
That's fantastic.
I know. It was a surprise.
It was for my birthday.
Look at all they shot here.
Life of Emile Zola. 1937.
Jezebel, Bette Davis.
-Strangers on a Train.
-Oh, Dark Victory.
Bonnie and Clyde. Whoa!
A Star Is Born.
-Ellen DeGeneres Show. Wow!
-Yep.
-That is great. Yeah.
-Like I said,
to have my only family vacation here
and then end up
No, this is lovely.
Because, you know,
this structure means something,
and you're on top of that list.
-Okay. Bye.
-All right, say good night, Ellen.
[Letterman] Don't bother me anymore.
[theme music playing]