My Next Guest Needs No Introduction with David Letterman (2018) s02e03 Episode Script
Tiffany Haddish
1
[theme music playing]
-Look at that.
-[woman] How you all doing today?
Is that us?
[woman]
Thank you, guys, so much for being here.
Ladies and gentlemen, David Letterman.
Okay, I have to go now.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.Thank you.
[crowd cheers]
Hi.
Thank you.
How are ya?
Thank you very much.
Please, please.
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
I think this is maybe the tenth
of these little gatherings
that we have done,
and I will say that each one,
before it begins,
I have a different feeling about.
Some, I'm awestruck,
some I'm nervous,
some I'm excited thrilled.
The guest who has been kind enough
to join us tonight
has me in a frame of mind
I've never experienced
in the 30-plus years
I've been doing television,
if you can call it television.
This person is so dynamic
and has experienced far more
than any of us collectively
here in this theater.
Are you ready?
Okay, I think this is gonna be something.
Here she is, Tiffany Haddish.
[audience cheering, applauding]
[Letterman] Thank you, Clay.
Yeah.
-So nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.
[audience cheering]
Thank you very much, Tiffany.
Yeah, you welcome.
-You okay?
-Thank you.
Yeah. We've not met before, oddly enough.
-[exhales] Never met.
-Yeah.
First of all, that dress
I don't know what they're telling you
about the dress,
-that's fine.
-Thank you.
I love this dress, and it's getting tight.
[laughs]
Like my career getting big,
I think my body getting bigger.
[David Letterman laughs]
This might be the last time
you see me in this dress.
I understand this is a pricey garment.
Mm-hmm.
And so, when they
persuaded you to wear it,
you said, "Boy, for this kind of money,
I'm gonna get my money out of it."
And so you wear it all the time.
Yeah, I've worn it probably, in public,
about maybe six times now.
-Five-- Si-- Eighteen times.
-Mm-hmm.
I wear it to the grocery store
[Letterman laughs]
Wear it to the DMV.
That's how I get recognized.
You wear it to the DMV?
-It's how I get to the front of the line.
-Sure.
Let me just say something.
I read your book.
Yeah.
And it's a remarkable story.
-Thank you.
-And as I said
[Letterman laughs]
The fact that you prevailed
And when I finished the book
This dress don't close no more.
Would you like some duct tape?
[laughing]
-Okay.
-The fact that you not only survived this,
but also the fact that you prevailed,
I believe, parallel to this,
that your talent, your ability,
your likability,
and your sense of humor,
and your inclination for comedy
is so of you
that it almost has no bearing
on your upbringing.
You could have been
in any circumstance growing up,
and the same result
would have happened, because it's
What I'm trying to say
is your talent is so powerful.
Thank you.
And my talent is what's
helped me survive though.
That's right.
It's my-- It's my--
It's my survival technique, my tool.
That's right.
Every time you were threatened,
you said, "I'm gonna
make this person laugh,
because when I make them laugh,
I won't get beat up."
Yeah, that's the goal.
I still do that today.
Let's talk a little bit about
the foster care experience for you.
Mm-hmm.
How old were you when you went into
foster care?
And the circumstances was
your mother was injured
in a horrible car accident,
and that's when the foster care began?
Yeah, yeah, so I was about 12, 13.
-And--
-What does it do to a kid
when a kid is--
Somebody comes and says,
"We're leaving home now,
because your mother is incapable--
Incapacitated because of this
horrible wreck,
and we're going somewhere else."
Scary as hell, eh?
Well, yeah-- You know--
Okay, so I remember the date like
[exhales] Okay.
I didn't want to be with my mom no more,
because she was getting-- She was very--
She had became very violent
and very verbally abusive,
and you never knew who she was gonna be.
Every day was like a different day,
and I used to be begging my mom
if I could go live with my grandma.
"Can I please live with my grandma?"
And my mom like,
"She's not your mama. I'm your mama."
Like these things
she would yell and stuff.
Now, let me intervene here.
-This was because of head injuries.
-Yeah, she had-- So when I was--
When I was eight, about to be nine,
she had a car accident,
and her head went through a windshield,
and-- And, you know-- I was--
Look, by the grace of God she lived,
but she had to learn how to walk, talk,
eat, everything, all over again.
-Changed her personality.
-Changed everything about her.
I used to think she was demonized.
Like I thought, like, maybe somebody else
jumped inside her body.
Like, where is my mommy?
Like, she was
-She was gone, right? Gone.
-Right.
So-- And I loved her so much. Like--
And I still love her very much so.
And I remembered
when she came out the hospital--
The day she came out the hospital,
the doctor said, you know,
"Your mom's gonna need a lot of help.
She not gonna be
who she used to be all the time,
and you're gonna have to grow up
and help her."
And I'm like,
"I'm gonna help her as much as I can,
'cause I love her so much."
And you're age then? How old are you?
-I'm like nine.
-Nine years old.
I'm nine, and I, you know--
She's the first person I ever loved,
so I would do anything for her,
still to this day,
even though she has been very mean
from time to time,
and not the nicest person.
But I love her so much that I'm willing
to, you know, do whatever for her.
Is she--? How is she now?
She's much better now.
Like, all-- Like, this--
Like, I'm so grateful
for every job that I get,
and every opportunity I get
to make some kind of money,
because all I wanted to do is, like,
get her out of that mental institution,
I did.
I got her the best psychologists,
the best, you know, doctors.
And then a nurse
that sits with her every day,
and get her the best activity--
Exercise, all that stuff.
It's made such a difference, and I'm--
It's such a big difference.
So while all of this is going on,
you're pretty much raising
your siblings in foster care?
-Yeah.
-So as a family,
the kids got to stay together,
is that correct?
Well, my two sisters got to be together,
my two brothers got to be together,
and then I was alone.
And then I was getting in trouble
all the time,
'cause I would, like, catch the bus
to wherever they were at,
like, check on them.
Because from the time I was nine
till I was, like, 12 and a half,
you know, 13,
I was always taking care of everybody.
I was doing everything.
I was really trying to be the best mom
I could be, you know,
I wasn't good at it.
'Cause I didn't--
Nobody taught me how to be a mom yet,
and I think I was a little bit too young.
-How are those kids now?
-They're great.
-They're great.
-Well, you did a pretty good job.
My little baby brother is livin'
off of me, or whatever, but it's cool.
[laughing]
It's cool.
I mean, he was calling me mama
for a long time, so it's all good.
I was touched by many things in the book,
but to have kids ripped out of their homes
and taken from them to a foster home,
and then maybe again and again and again.
And the hope is that they get
a permanent home, but often they don't.
So you, knowing that, experiencing that
go to some of these places, visit them
talk to the kids, and give them
-Suitcases.
-suitcases.
So they can keep their stuff
in the suitcase
-and feel like, "Okay, I got this."
-This is mine.
-Yeah.
-Yeah, instead of feeling like--
'Cause a lot of times when they move you
around from house to house,
they move you and they throw
your clothes in trash bags.
And then, like--
It's like you're being moved around.
Like, you and your clothes are garbage.
That's what you kind of feel like.
You have really no say-so
about where you are
or where you feel safe at.
And then you're trying
to just figure out, like,
"Well, what--? I thought I--
I cleaned the bathroom like they asked me.
Why did they take me out of here?"
Like, "I really thought
we were getting along."
Like, "Why don't you like me?"
And it really has nothing to do,
a lot of times, with the foster parent.
It's the court, and, like, where
they need to place kids at a certain age.
It's a whole lot of stuff
that goes into it, but when you're a kid,
none of that-- You don't know that.
All you know is they're making you
throw your clothes in a bag
and moving you somewhere.
And I said to myself,
when I was like 13, I said,
"If I ever get any kind of power,
if I'm able to do anything,
I'm gonna try to figure out
a way to make sure
kids don't feel like garbage,
they don't feel like this."
'Cause it is the worst feeling
in the world
to just be having to just go,
like, you just
You come home from school,
and it's like,
"You're going over here now."
And you're, like, just dropped
in these strangers' houses.
You don't know these people,
these people don't know you.
You don't know if they're gonna hurt you,
if they're gonna be kind to you,
you don't have a clue
what's going on. Right?
And there's nothing hat's really yours,
except this trash bag.
But if you give 'em a suitcase
Right? I remember
when I got my first suitcase,
I felt like I was a traveler,
like I had a purpose, like I'm a person,
like I'm not garbage.
This is mine, and my things are in here.
And wherever I go,
I can take this with me,
and I'm going somewhere, you know?
I'm a human.
I'm not garbage.
[audience applauds]
[Letterman] Beautiful.
Oh, you made it.
-Oh, thank you.
-Hi.
Ready to get to gardening?
-Did you have fun at dinner last night?
-Yeah, you know--
-Yeah, we had a lot of fun.
-Good.
-Did you get drunk?
-I don't drink.
-Okay.
-There was some alcohol involved,
but I don't
Well, I'm gonna drinking myself,
personally.
-You got a ways to go.
-But I'll do it in moderation.
Yeah. Yeah, I think you'll be fine.
When I turn 70 though, I'm gonna do drugs.
[laughs]
When I turn 70, that's when
I'm gonna do hardcore drugs.
I got it all planned out.
-I'm gonna start with mushrooms first.
-Yeah.
then I'm gonna wait a week,
and then the next week
I'm gonna do some cocaine,
then the week after that,
I'm gonna try crack,
then the week after that, LSD,
then the week after that,
whatever else is out there,
whatever new stuff they got.
-Ecstasy--
-This is gonna be a busy year for you,
-but--
-At 70.
Let's talk about this a little bit.
Have you ever done
any of these things before?
-No.
-All right. Good for you.
-Good for you.
-Yeah.
I just smoke weed. Actually, I grow some.
You want to see?
-Yeah, let me see your--
-No, I don't grow no weed.
First things first,
you got to pick up this poop.
-Pick up the what?
-Poop.
From what?
From the dog.
Oh, I don't-- This is nothing.
-The dog's in the house.
-I got two dogs.
-I do this all the time.
-Okay, good. Perfect.
-You got the wrong equipment here.
-No.
We need a shovel. Don't you have a shovel?
-Yes!
-There you go.
God dang, that's exactly
what we're looking for.
-Well, let's see.
-It doesn't mess--
You gonna mess up my grass?
-Look at that, Tiffany. Come on.
-That's good.
-You're good at that.
-Come on.
-And do you bag it or anything? Or just--?
-I just put it in there.
-Oh, you know what I'd do.
-No!
Don't do that.
They got a pool right there.
-I don't live here.
-Don't you do that.
-I'm gone in a half an hour.
-Don't you mess--
Don't mess up my relationship
with my neighbors, bro.
-It's just that easy.
-Okay.
What are we gonna do here?
We gonna pull up this grass
and these weeds.
Mm-hmm.
-This is--
-What is this thing?
This is artichoke.
-Oh, my God. Really?
-It's an artichoke plant, yeah.
How many will it produce?
-Oh, look at that.
-Like three to four.
-And you eat them, right?
-Yeah, they're delicious.
-They're fantastic, aren't they?
-Yeah, they are.
Yeah, but we need to, like,
take all the dead leaves off.
It's good for you. It's calming, you know.
Well, I grew up with a garden
in my backyard.
My parents grew everything.
Name something
and we'll see if they grew it.
-Eggplants?
-Yes.
Cucumbers?
Yes.
-Tomatoes?
-Oh, tomatoes like crazy.
-And then my mom would can the tomatoes,
-Oh, yeah.
and we'd have tomatoes
and tomato juice all winter.
I was reminded last night at dinner
about when you and the stepkids
-were separated.
-Yeah.
And the the little boy
that called you "mommy."
Yeah, that's my brother, Justin.
He would call me "mama,"
and then when we dropped him
at the foster home,
he was like, "Tittany, Tittany."
-He finally said my name.
-Yeah.
-You want to meet my brother? He here.
-Yeah.
-How old is he now?
-He's 26.
-He about to be 27 now.
-Oh, man.
-And--
-[yells] Justin!
Jesus!
[yells] Justin!
He'll come out in a minute.
Hi, Justin. How are ya?
-I got a handful of garden here.
-I appreciate it.
You look pretty good.
-I appreciate that.
-Things going your way?
-Pretty good, yeah. Staying on focus.
-Yeah.
Thanks to my sister helping me out, too.
I would think you'd be used to her
screaming like that.
-I am, but, like, that one felt like--
-[laughs]
I was like, "Is there danger?"
I was looking for a moment--
I was like, "Do I need to grab something?"
Yeah, that was like somebody's been
electrocuted in the backyard.
Anyway, nice meeting you.
And by the way,
don't worry about the dog shit.
I've taken care of it.
[laughs] Word.
I like this.
This is what I do around the house.
I pretend to help.
You pretend?
Well, I think you're doing a good job.
Wait a minute. How come
Justin's not out here doing this?
[laughing] I know!
-I don't know.
-Why are you out here doing it?
That's what I'm saying.
It's his job to do it while I'm gone,
but he hasn't been doing it.
That's the question
we should be asking him.
-[yells] Justin!
-Oh, Jesus!
[laughing]
So when you turned 18, you're--
You've graduated out of the system.
-You can't live in that system.
-Yeah, got emancipated out of the system.
My grandma stopped getting
a check for me, she put me out.
She was like,
"You got friends. You'll be okay."
-And--
-What did you do then?
Being okay and "being okay"
are two different things.
What did you do?
Well, I slept on some couches
for a little while, then I got over--
I talked my auntie
into letting me stay at her place.
I was giving her some money,
stayed there for a little bit.
I was going to community college,
and I was going to this travel academy
to teach you "customer service skills."
So I'm the best at customer service.
[audience laughs]
Good for you. [laughs]
And then everything was okay or not okay?
No, everything was not okay.
It was, like, just a little easier,
but everything was not okay.
I mean, I still had, like,
you know, learning issues, and--
And, like, just
And there was bullies and stuff like that.
What was the nature of the bullying?
-The nature of the bullying--
-Was this little girls,
little boys? Both bullying you?
Oh, mostly boys.
But yeah, girls too.
I mean, they would say like,
"Oh, you dirty. You ugly.
Your hair always mess--"
Like, they would just
'Cause I was kind of raggedy.
I was a raggedy kid.
Forgive me, but isn't that
the nature of kids generally?
I got a kid who's 15, and he's raggedy.
[audience laughs]
Well, you need to do a better job, Dave.
[laughing]
You're not the first to express that view.
You need to do a better job, Dave.
So, but then you get a gig
as the school mascot.
Was that grade school, high school?
When did that--?
That was high school.
I was the school mascot.
Yeah, I was a conquistador.
-A conquistador.
-Yeah, yeah, I was a Spanish soldier,
and they wanted me to wear this head,
but the head smelled really bad.
It was really funky in there.
From the previous mascot.
-Probably from all the previous mascots.
-[laughs]
Yeah, so I decided I wasn't
gonna wear the head,
that I would just wear the helmet
and a cape and stuff.
So I was killing it as a mascot, right?
All the football games
was getting sold out.
Now, mind you, you can check the stats.
You check my stats. You check it out.
You could-- You could check.
There was nobody coming to the games,
really, before I started mascotting.
-I started mascotting
-[audience laughs]
I started mascotting
And I was giving out all this candy,
and I was so hype,
and I had it--
I made it really fun, right?
And by my senior year,
I realized that I ain't had no boyfriend.
And all my friends had boyfriends,
and I wanted a boyfriend, and
Okay, I kind of had a boyfriend
for a minute,
and he broke up with me
because people was calling him
the assistant mascot,
-'cause he would carry my bag.
-[audience laughs]
You know, coincidentally,
that's what my wife calls me.
-She calls you the "assistant mascot"?
-Yeah, yeah.
Oh, that's cute. So
[laughing]
So I told everybody, "I ain't mascotting
no more. I quit. I ain't doing it."
So people stop coming to the games.
By the third game, the dean called me
into the office and was like,
"Tiffany, what's it gonna take
to get you back on the field?"
And I was like
"A boyfriend."
Wow.
And then he was like,
"I can't get you a boyfriend."
Like, "I can't do that.
I just can't do that."
And I was like, "Well, if my hair was done
and my nails were done,
I probably could get a boyfriend."
And he was like, "Well, I can't get
your hair and nails done,
be we can maybe work out some kind of--
Maybe an agreement on the candy.
We'll refund you for the candy you give."
-I was getting 50 bucks a game, basically.
-[laughs]
But I had to give him candy receipts.
[laughing]
That's delightful.
And my nails was done,
and my hair was done.
Congratulations. That's
It's a lovely story.
[audience applauds]
Now, the other thing about you
that brought to light something
that I was completely ignorant of,
it's, like, the bar mitzvah ci
Is it a circuit, or?
-What do you do?
-"Energy producer" was my title.
-Energy producer?
-Energy producer.
I produce energy.
That's why I was killing
the football games,
then I moved slowly
into the bar mitzvah game,
killing the mitzvahs.
-Had it hype, baby!
-[audience applauds]
Turned up!
So this is simultaneous?
-Which came first?
-I was doing the--
The football games came first.
The mascotting came first,
and then I went to the homecoming dance.
I was at the homecoming dance,
and I was dancing my butt off.
I was dancing so mu-- I love to dance.
It's, like, my favorite thing.
And the DJ came up to me,
and he was like, "Wow, you're amazing.
I'd love for you to work for my company.
We do bar mitzvahs and executive parties."
And I thought
he was a straight-up perv, right?
-'Cause at that time in my life,
-[laughs]
I didn't know exactly
what a bar mitzvah was.
I thought you got on a bar
and you showed your mitzvah.
[audience laughs and applauds]
Right?
So
-But I took [laughs]
-[audience laughs]
It's what I thought, guys.
So I took his card anyways,
because at that point in my life,
I had become accustomed to,
if you tell a guy, "Ew, you gross,"
or if you like, "No, I don't want
to give you my number"
or "I don't want your card,"
most guys-- at that time in my life,
they would, like, throw acorns at you
or pine cones
or cuss you out, call you a dirty bitch
or throw beer bottles at you
and stuff like that.
So I didn't want that kind of response.
'Cause you got to remember,
I'm from the 'hood, boo. You know?
Why do y'all do that?
-I'm sorry, what am I doing?
-Why do men do that?
If you be like, "No, I'm not interested,"
you be like,
"Well, you're a bitch anyways."
-Like--
-No.
-[Letterman stammers]
-[audience applauds]
I'm a nice person
that's not interested. I'm sorry.
Not once in my life
have I thrown an acorn at a woman.
[laughs] What about a pine cone?
-Not even a pine cone.
-Okay.
-All right, so--
-Okay, anyways, so I took his card--
I took his card, right?
I go home, and I show my grandma the card.
She said, "Oh, you better call him.
That's getting closer to your people."
I was like, "Our people is strippers?"
[laughs]
She was like, "No, no.
-You know you're Jewish."
-And I was like, "I am?"
And she started explaining to me
about my father.
That's when I started really learning
about my dad and stuff.
She was like,
"Maybe that'll get you closer to him.
You might meet your dad. Who knows?"
Like, "Give that man a call."
Your father is out of the picture
at this point?
-Yeah, I haven't seen my--
-He--
At this point, I haven't seen my dad
since I was three.
-He took a hike when you were three?
-Three, yeah.
So my grandma tells me this
is getting closer to people and stuff.
She said, "You better call that man.
Let's call him."
So the next day we call him,
he says, "Come to my office.
I'd like to interview you."
He asked me a few questions,
like, you know,
When you're at a party,
do you dance the whole time,
or do you like to stand on the wall,
or do you talk to people?"
Like, asked me all these questions
about, like, me at a party.
And I'm like, "Oh, at parties,
I dance all the time.
Like, give me some water
and I'm good to go.
Give me a Sprite and it's on."
[laughs] That's when Sprite was hot.
And
[laughs]
And he said he would pay me, like, $40--
$40 a party, right?
-And it's--
-Weekend parties--
Like, how many parties per weekend
could you do?
Well, when I first started,
I only did, like, maybe one.
By the time I did it for 11 years.
-Eleven years?
-I did it for 11 years.
I've done over 500 bar mitzvahs
and executive parties.
Why did you qui--?
Why did you give that up?
[audience laughs]
I mean
I was getting to the point
where I was making $2,500 a party,
and, like, getting flown
all over the country to do parties.
All over the country?
People come in for the party
and you're dancing?
You come in when the people
are there and you dance?
-What--? How does that?
-So, like, people are walking in,
as they're walking in,
like, taking their seats,
maybe I'm, like,
by the DJ booth, like just:
Ayy, ayy, ayy, come on. Yeah.
[audience clapping]
[Letterman laughing]
-Right? Getting it going. Ayy!
-Yeah. Yeah.
Hey. Hey.
And then the music kicks in,
some good music kicks in,
I'm like, "Oh, that's my jam!"
And I'll run up and grab somebody
by their tie,
and be like, "Hey."
[audience laughs]
And then they'll come out
to the dance floor.
-[dance music playing]
-Is that music going right there?
Is that the cue?
Okay!
Hey, there we go. Come on. Hey!
What up, grandma?! Ayy!
Okay. All right.
I tell you, that's Yeah-- Thank you.
[audience cheers]
I'm having chest pains.
[audience cheers]
[Tiffany Haddish laughs]
[audience cheers and applauds]
I know
Let me tell you something.
Oh, this dress is tight! Shit!
Let me just say one thing. I know
I know I looked stupid..
but I really enjoyed that.
[laughs]
-Right?
-Yeah.
Thank you.
[Letterman] This is your old neighborhood?
This is where you were a kid?
[Haddish] Yeah, I used to hang out
over here.
Was it like this? Different?
Same kind of thing?
[Haddish]
It was like this, but a lot different.
-A lot more riffraff in the streets.
-Hmm.
There was a lot of gangbangers out here,
-a lot of thugs.
-Oh, really?
So now, when you say "gang,"
are we talking about, like,
the Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts?
Or are we talking about--?
Crips, Bloods.
-Oh, actual gangs.
-Yeah, real gangs.
Yeah.
-And your membership was rejected.
-Yes.
I didn't even get to put in
the application.
-[laughing] Oh, they--
-I tried.
Was there much paperwork
in the application?
[Haddish] I mean, my whole life
I've been in this area.
Now when you're here, what is it like?
People all over you, screaming at you?
No. I mean, they be like,
"Hey, Tiff, what's up?"
-If they recognize me.
-Yeah.
You're their own, right?
They love the fact
that you represent this.
[Haddish] Yeah. Like, we family.
[Letterman] Tell me, what is it like being
that close to your old neighborhood now?
And everybody knows who you are,
and here you are, and there you are.
Well, everybody don't know
who I am no more,
because it's like a different--
It's a different environment. Like--
-It's called gentrification.
-Oh.
-And that's not good? That is good?
-I mean
You know, it is what it is.
My property value going up,
so I ain't hating.
You know, they put
a Kaiser Permanente down the street.
I'm winning.
[audience laughs]
They say a Trader Joe's is coming.
I'm just like, "All Right! Whoo-hoo!"
[audience laughs]
-Do--?
-They closed the Walmart.
When they closed the Walmart, I was like,
"Oh, no, they closed the Walmart!"
They said, "They're opening up
another Target." I was like, "Hey!"
[laughing]
Now, are people--? When gentrification--?
Are people pushed out? Or--?
-I think they are pushed out.
-They are pushed out.
-I believe they are.
-And what becomes of those people?
-Where do they go?
-I think they go to, like, the desert.
A lot of, like, my friends,
my old friends,
-they live in like Lancaster.
-Mm-hmm.
Palmdale.
Oh, Pinedale. But is that a good thing?
-Palmdale.
-Palmdale.
-Yeah, not Pinedale.
-Yeah, yeah.
I'm sorry. I--
I'm nearly a hundred.
[Haddish laughs]
No, you're not.
-But is that--?
-You got a long ways to go still.
Oh, God bless ya.
You know, if I live to be 70,
I'm gonna start taking drugs.
I know I am!
[both laugh]
Tell me about your experience
in Scientology.
Oh, okay, so
[audience laughs]
So, what brought you to Scientology?
Homelessness.
I was homeless, and I was trying
to get me a job as an extra,
and I was standing in line
at Central Casting,
and this man came up to me, and he said,
"If you're trying to be an entertainer,
we have program that'll help you."
And I was like, "Look, man,
I'm homeless. I'm trying to get a job."
And he was like,
"Oh, you should come down to our center.
We can help you."
And so then, I went down there
and, you know, went through
the whole orientation and stuff.
And he was like, "You know,
you don't have to sleep in your car.
You could work here.
You can be here
at the Church of Scientology.
You know, we don't have anyone like you,
and you're so good with the community.
We're getting ready to open up
some places in Inglewood
and South Central Los Angeles
that you could potentially run
and be a part of."
I was like, "Okay,"
and then I signed the contract.
It was like a billion-year contract,
I was like [groans]
[Letterman laughs]
I ain't going to live that long. Whatever.
I need a place to sleep, right? So
And then when they took me
to the barracks
where I would be sleeping--
Like when you're in the boot camp portion
or whatever, it's bunk beds.
I don't do bunk beds.
I don't mess with bunk beds.
Bunk beds are dangerous.
I don't fuck with bunk beds, because--
From when I was in MacLaren Hall,
you know--
There's only, like--
If that bunk bed's up in the corner,
there's only two ways out that bunk bed.
And if somebody's trying to mess with you,
and if there's two of them
or three or more,
you know, boom, they block you.
You can't get out that bunk bed.
Now you got to curl up and take
that ass whooping. I'm not doing that.
Wow!
I don't do bunk beds, right?
So when they was like,
"You go and sleep here,"
I was like, "I'm not sleeping here.
We gonna make a pallet
on the floor or something.
I ain't sleeping here.
I'd rather sleep on the floor.
I ain't sleeping there.
I ain't sleeping in no bunk bed."
They was like, "No, you gonna
have to sleep in the bunk bed."
I was like,
"I ain't sleeping in a bunk bed."
Then they was like, "No, you gonna sleep
in this bunk bed," and they left.
And I was like, "I'm not sleeping
in no motherfucking bunk bed."
And I was like loud and everything,
and it was just me and these little
white girls with blonde hair,
and they were like, "Oh, my God.
[audience laughs]
It's just a bunk bed." Like [laughs]
I was like, "I don't do bunk beds!
I don't care what they say.
I ain't sleeping in no bunk bed."
Then they made me get on
them can things. These cans--
Oh, tell me about the cans.
You're holding the cans--
The cans-- They call them the cans,
and, like, it's supposed to--
You hold onto that
and you talk about whatever, like,
makes you emotional or whatever
and it's supposed to gauge your energy.
And then you keep telling the story
over and over and over again,
and eventually, the energy meter
is supposed to read low,
and then, like, you good, right?
But mine wasn't--
I told the story probably--
Like, I was there for four or five hours,
telling the same story over and over.
Like, "I said this is why
I don't do bunk beds!"
-And it never The meter was like
-[laughing]
It's supposed to be over here. I'm like
"I don't do 'em!
I keep telling you that--!
I don't give a damn.
I ain't sleeping in no bunk bed."
Like-- So
By like four, five in the morning,
they was like, "You can go."
And they just tore up the contract.
[laughs] Forget the billion-year contract.
Wow!
-And I left.
-[audience applauds]
-Yeah, that's pretty good.
-Yeah.
They still invite me to events, though.
-Oh, sure.
-I'm like, "I don't know why--"
Like, "If there ain't no bunk bed,
I might come through.
Y'all got some food?" [laughs]
You started doing stand up
when you were a kid, a youngster.
-Yes, '97.
-'97.
And on the weekends,
you would come to a comedy camp
-at the Laugh Factory.
-I would catch the bus
from South Central LA
all the way to the Laugh Factory.
What would happen if we was on the bus,
and you sat next to a crazy person
and started acting crazy?
What would happen, you know? So
I like for people to see me and laugh.
I don't care if you're laughing at me
or with me,
as long as you're laughing, right?
I get on the bus, and I go "Halalalala."
[Letterman] Do people know what
the Comedy Camp is?
So the Comedy Camp is
at the Laugh Factory,
and they have--
Every summer,
they have inner-city kids come in--
Not just inner-city, but at-risk youth
and kids that want to perform
that might have, like, speech issues
or issues talking in public or whatever.
And they come in, and every Saturday,
you get to get on stage
and you tell jokes.
You learn from other comedians.
Like Dane Cook came through there,
the Wayans brothers came through there,
and Richard Pryor showed up.
And the da-- When he came in,
he was in his wheelchair, he rolled in.
I was like, "I need a wheelchair.
That's how I knew you rich."
Like, I though rich people
had wheelchairs. Anyways
[audience laughs]
Anyways, he
I was up there telling my jokes,
and he stopped me in the middle of it.
He was like,
"Stop, stop. What are you doing?"
I said, "I'm telling a joke."
He goes, "No, you're not."
I said, "Yes, I am."
He goes, "No, you're not."
I said, "Yes, I am."
He goes, "No, you're not."
I said, "What am I doing?
He said, "Getting on my--"
He said, "You're getting on my god-dang
nerves, that's what you're doing."
-[audience laughs]
-I was like
I was like, "What do you mean?"
He said, "Look, people don't come
to comedy shows
because they want to hear about
your problems or politics or religion
or about what's like pop culture.
They come to comedy shows to have fun.
So when you're on stage,
you need to be having fun."
And that's what I'm doing now.
No matter where I go,
no matter what I do, I try to have fun.
But these
The Comedy Camp is
The goal is not necessarily to produce
-great stand-up men and women.
-No.
-But the goal is confidence, right?
-Yeah, to have--
Yeah, 'cause that's where I learned
communication, confidence.
I learned how to construct a joke.
I learned how to be able to stand
in front of a room full of people
and not be afraid.
Also, when to be funny,
when not to be funny.
That was, like, mind-blowing for me,
because I really
didn't experience that much.
-How old were you at that point?
-I was 15,
about to be-- I was 16.
Like, it was-- Yeah, 15, 16, yeah.
So, I mean, there--
The rest of your life
is taking shape right there.
Right there, yeah.
Where were you?
When you were 16, I think I had the--
-Was doing a talk show.
-Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
But you were doing it in--
Didn't you have time off?
[laughing] Yeah, I had time off.
Why you didn't come to the Comedy Camp
-and talk to the kids?
-Well, I'll tell you
-Do you care about the kids?
-I care about the kids.
So I think that's what you gonna do
this summer, right?
I was running.
I was running a
[audience applauding]
You see his cheeks
getting rosy like Santa? [laughs]
[audience laughs]
I was running a talk show camp for kids.
-A talk show camp for kids?
-Now
You know, but I was down the street.
The Comedy Store
is pretty much where I started, yeah.
About when I was 26 or 27,
I moved to California from Indiana.
[Haddish] And when was that?
It was 1975.
-Oh!
-Yeah.
Who did you hang out with
when you started doing--?
Well, when I was at the Comedy Store,
it was fantastic.
-My good friend George Miller was there.
-Yeah.
[Letterman] God rest his soul.
-Tom Dreesen was there, who I think--
-I love--
-You know Tom.
-Yeah, that's like my dad.
[Letterman] Jay Leno was there.
Elayne Boosler.
Marsha Warfield.
Robin Williams was there.
Charlie Fleischer was there.
-Yeah, that's my boy.
-Yeah, yeah.
Now, I was interested to know
that you guys had buddied up.
-Was that through the Comedy Camp?
-Yeah, through the Comedy Camp.
He was the first one to tell me
potty humor is not good for a pretty girl.
-Don't do that.
-Mm-hmm.
And I was like,
"But the comic last week said
talk about what you know about."
And I know about the toilet. [laughs]
[laughing]
-If I had a joke about--
-How many of you here
-don't know about the toilet?
-[audience laughs]
How many of you
have not figured it out by now?
-Now, you knew of Moms Mabley.
-Yes.
And I find that strange, because
she's been gone a long time
and was a real pioneer.
[Haddish] Right.
And I know of her,
and saw her on various television shows,
but I'm surprised that somebody
much younger than me would know about her.
-Paul Mooney was one of the teachers.
-Paul Mooney.
[Haddish]
And he used to be telling us about--
Like, I used to ask him like,
"What women are good?"
He's like,
"If you really want to be a comedian,
you got to study this.
You got to know your comedy.
And you need to go all the way
from Charlie Chaplin all the way to today.
You need to look at everybody.
Study everybody."
Paul Mooney was fascinating
when he was up and doing it.
And I came upon him early on
when I got to the Comedy Store,
and he always wanted the worst time.
He wanted the absolute worst time.
He said, "I don't care,
two o'clock in the morning,
If there's four people there,
I don't care. That's when--"
And he would do that,
and he would take command of the stage,
-and he loved just irritating people.
-[laughs]
Oh, my God!
And we would just all--
It made us all laugh,
because he was having such a great time.
I guess back to Richard's premise,
even if you're irritating people,
as long as you're having fun.
It doesn't matter--
Doesn't matter what you're talking about
as long as you're having fun.
Who used to bump you all the time?
-Well, Richard.
-Richard was--
I mean, I can remember--
And I remember him walking
into the Comedy Store, just dropped in.
He was working on material
for a new album.
There was an aura about him.
Just a confident nonchalance.
The way he carried himself up
on the stage,
and, of course, the place erupts.
-So now Richard does about an hour,
-Mm-hmm.
and honestly,
you would have thought that a bomb
had been detonated on Sunset.
The laughter was uncontainable,
it was enormous, it was vigorous, it was--
You know,
it was like a holiday for people.
"Oh, my God, there's Richard Pryor
standing right here."
And then he left,
and then it was my turn.
[laughing]
-Isn't that the worst?
-Oh, it was--
But, you know-- Of course.
I knew it was gonna happen.
And by the time I got to the microphone,
everybody had followed Richard out.
Like, they were-
They're all going back to his place,
and it's just me talking to chairs.
-Yeah.
-But that's part of it, and--
Yeah, I was-- I wasn't upset,
-because, my God, it's Richard Pryor.
-Yeah.
Is there anybody that you came across--?
Somebody you thought,
"This is directing me. This is a beacon."
Carol Burnett who I still want to meet.
I still haven't met her.
I would love to meet her.
I still watch-- I have, like,
videotapes of her show.
I still have a VCR.
I still watch her.
And I love her.
And if I could work with her
in some kind of way, shape or form,
I would be, like, super happy.
Yeah. That would be good.
That would be very good, yeah.
-Just thinking about it makes me, like--
-Yeah.
She's-- I'm gonna cry.
Like, I love that lady.
And, like, I used to suck my thumb
and watch her and be like, "She funny."
[audience laughs]
[Letterman laughs]
'Cause you don't get to see
a lot of, like--
You didn't get to see
a lot of women be funny.
Like, it wasn't really, like, a thing.
If you're gonna be funny as a woman,
you have to be eccentric,
you have to be a character.
You can't just be
a beautiful person and be funny.
So my goal is to change that.
Well, you know, this is fascinating
that you're saying this,
because in reading your book,
looking at your movies,
and studying you
I have that same impression of you.
That all we really need here is you.
And if that's sort of what
you're following in life,
wow, the sky's the limit,
'cause, you know, you have it all.
-Congratulations on that.
-Thank you.
Like, you had your experience--
When did you say to yourself,
"This is what I'm gonna do"?
Did you have a moment when you knew
exactly what you were gonna do?
I knew-- Like, I knew I wanted
to do something that I loved to do,
-Right.
-and I knew that I loved to entertain.
And, like, I was in drama at school,
and I was winning all kinds
of competitions and stuff.
What was the Shakespeare-y festival?
-Shakespeare festival.
-Oh, yeah, yeah.
So-- I don't know if it's still going on,
but LA Unified School District
used to collaborate
with other school districts,
and they would have
this Shakespearean festival.
And you would do, like different--
Like scenes
from Shakespeare plays and stuff.
And I used to do monologues.
And, like, I did Midsummer Night's Dream
and different stuff, and I won.
-and I won--
-Monologues from the plays.
-You would memorize them, and--
-Yeah, memorize them.
Sometimes I would play all the characters.
Like when I did Midsummer Night's
Dream, I did all the characters.
-That's not easy stuff to do.
-No, and I was real good at it, too.
And I couldn't even re--
That was the thing,
like, I couldn't even read really,
but, like, I would get somebody
to read it to me.
Like, I was real good
at manipulating people to, like--
-I'd be like, "Your voice sounds good.
-Mm-hmm.
Can I hear you read this to me?"
[laughing]
And I'd be like
And I would memorize what they said,
and then I would make it work for me.
By the way, when did you learn
to completely read on your own?
-Because you were--
-I was like 16.
My drama teacher figured it out.
'Cause she would try to get me
to, like, do a scene,
or read something in front of the class,
and I would be like,
"I got to go pee. I got to go
to the bathroom. I got a boo-boo."
Like, I would just, like, make up stuff.
"Oh, I'm sick. Oh, I don't feel like it,"
and, like, leave.
And this one day, she was like--
Would not let me leave,
and made me stay,
and then she made me read to her,
and I could not read to her.
She was like, "You can't read."
I was like, "I can read."
-Like, I got, like, an attitude.
-What grade are you in here?
Tenth grade.
Tenth grade,
so a sophomore in high school.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
And you can't read easily.
-You can't read much of anything.
-Not very well.
-Like--
-So, what does she do now?
So then she-- Every, like--
I don't know if you guys had this
when you were in school,
but we had, like, nutrition.
That was a 15-minute break,
and then lunch.
And so I would come in
at nutrition and lunch and read to her.
And she would make me read while--
Like, while I ate my lunch I had to read,
you know, on my break I had to read.
And then she did it
for the whole semester,
so by the end of the semester,
I was pretty good
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
Now, when you were doing
the Shakespeare thing and winning--
And you were after it for several years.
Who was there in your home,
your house, wherever you were,
that was thrilled by that?
I think my auntie and my uncle,
they were, like-- They were everything.
They, like-- They supported
a lot of what I was doing.
And, like, they would introduce me
to their friends,
and I would sell them tickets
to my plays,
and sometimes their friends
would actually come to my shows,
but most of the times they wouldn't.
But sometimes they would.
[man] Ha!
-Is that my uncle?
-[audience laughs]
Uncle D! What up, bro? [laughs]
Wait a minute. He's here?
Yeah, You know, he was the--
When I graduated from high school,
he was the only one
that was there on time.
He was the only one there.
I remember I was like-- Hey!
-That's my Uncle D.
-Nice to have you here. Thank you.
[Letterman] Now, we're going
to your uncle's place here, right?
-Around the corner?
-Yes, we're going to D's Take Out.
When I was a kid,
we used to be at his house,
in the kitchen cooking food.
Like catering all kinds
of events and stuff.
-Yeah.
-I was like his sous-chef.
-I was cutting up all the food and stuff.
-Getting stuff ready.
[Haddish]
Yeah, getting it ready. Prepping.
How am I at the front of the table?
-'Cause you're the man.
-[Uncle D] Oh, Dave.
-Tiffany, this is Uncle D.
-Yes.
And the D is for?
-Delici-- No.
-[Haddish laughs]
It's Damon.[laughs]
[Letterman] And we're in your store,
we're in your restaurant.
How long has this restaurant been here?
For us, ten years now.
-Ten years.
-Yes, sir.
But how long
have you been in Tiffany's life?
Oh, 30, 40 years. Thirty years?
Unh-unh!
How long--? Don't say 40.
-I'm not that old!
-Okay, so 25.
A long time, yeah.
I'm not that old!
And is--? Am I correct about this?
That for a long time, and maybe even
including right here today,
he was one of the few,
if not the only man you could trust?
Yeah, one of the few, yeah.
-Is that right?
-You're the only one.
But what did he represent in your life
that this guy was safe?
Always gave me things to do,
like, kept me productive,
always would talk to me,
like a super cool dude.
-Thank you very much. Oh, my God.
-Yeah.
-Thank you, wifey.
-Thank you.
This neighborhood was different then?
Oh, man.
it was different, and--
What, '92 there was a riot.
[siren wails]
-[Uncle D] It was a sad day.
-[Letterman] Is it Rodney King?
[Uncle D] Yeah, that Rodney King
So this whole community was engulfed.
What is that like when something like that
takes over your home area?
-Scary?
-It was wack! It was-- It was insulting.
-Insulting?
-Yeah.
I was working at Westwood at the time,
had a restaurant up there
with some guys, and
I could have swore
They were like, "Man, they probably
gonna do something in the 'hood."
I'm like, "No, they won't."
Like, "My community?"
I came home, they were coming in
and out the window,
you know, taking stuff.
So how did the?
Excuse the expression.
How did the healing
then begin in the community?
How did the rebuilding?
It's just now starting
-Become on the upswing from--
-Is that right?
Yeah, so, '92 to now?
What was that like for you?
Man, I was mad
'cause I wanted to go the--
I wanted to go to the riots.
I wanted to go to Payless,
get some new shoes.
You know, I wanted some hair products,
I wanted some clothes.
-Was you working that day?
-And my mama--
No, my mama wouldn't let me
go out the house.
She's like, "Y'all can't go out there.
You might get killed."
I'm like, "But, Mom, I need shoes!"
I know a lot of people that did that.
[laughs]
And I'd see people walking by--
Like, I'm looking out the window,
I see people walking by with baskets
and stuff, and I see it on the news.
I'm like, "That's not fair, Mom.
We should be out there."
She's like, "No. No!"
And then when we went back to school,
everybody had new clothes, perms.
Like, they had on nice backpacks
and all this stuff. I was jealous.
[Uncle D laughs]
But, you know, because of him,
I was able to buy myself
my first pair of Doc Martens boots.
And not just that,
remember your car? The fir--?
-That Geo Metro.
-The Ugly--
-The Ugly Duckling!
-The Ugly Duck--! [laughs]
He took me to the Ugly Ducking
to get that piece of shit
-[laughs]
-that got me everywhere.
I lived in that car.
Welcome to my house,
the 1995 Geo Metro.
So, yeah, I keep all my clothes with me,
and I keep 'em in these suitcases here.
I know where everything is.
If I need something, I got it.
'Cause just 'cause I don't have
a place to stay,
don't mean that I have to look like
I don't have a place to stay, you feel me?
That car stayed around for a long time,
-although it was--
-I still got it.
-You still got it?
-It's in a parking lot right now.
-That's crazy. The Geo Metro, what, '99?
-[Haddish] '95, 1995.
How many miles did it have on it
when you got it?
When I got it, it had 88,000 miles.
-Eighty-eight thousand miles.
-Well, that's-- It just gets--
It's broken in then.
What'd you pay for it?
It was supposed to be $8,000,
ended up paying $12,000 for that car.
-And I paid it off in three years.
-This is what happened.
-I'm gonna tell you why, Dave.
-It seems high.
-That's very high.
-For a Geo Metro, it's very high.
-With 88,000 miles on it.
-But we both had bad credit, Dave.
I think it was a 50% interest rate.
-But--
-It was crazy interest.
But she was riding.
Don't get rid of it.
What are you gonna get rid of it for?
-You're not gonna get anything out of it.
-[laughs]
I'm gonna put it
in the living room of my mansion.
-Put it in the entryway.
-The entryway, yeah.
'Cause I--
Those cars are not appreciating.
-Right, right.
-[laughing]
The first time she did stand-up,
were you there?
Yeah, at the Comedy Club.
-The first--
-Yeah.
Her summer camp.
-Yeah.
-I was up there.
No, I knew we had something.
I told her, though, her first show,
like, "Why'd you go so dirty?
-What happened?"
-Oh, as I got older.
I mean, you didn't know
that this was coming out of her?
It wasn't, you know, offensive,
-but I was just thinking--
-[Letterman] Surprised.
-It was surprising, you know.
-Yeah.
[Haddish] That's gonna be in a set.
She looks very innocent.
You go to her movies and stuff?
-Man, are you serious?
-That must be crazy, right?
Oh, it was so crazy.
The Girls Trip when I first saw it,
I think I cried the whole--
Like, I was laughing-crying.
You know what I mean? Like, oh, my God.
Did she actually
just pee on everybody? Yeah.
[laughing]
Yeah! That is my little girl.
[Haddish] I did it.
Want to know a little secret?
I peed for real.
-No, did you? [laughs]
-I couldn't hold it.
Well, it's fascinating to me
that you saw this in her early on.
-[Uncle D] Yeah.
-Because my family--
I had a paper route when I was a kid,
and I think they thought
that was just about right.
Right.
"He'll do that for the rest of his life."
-[Letterman] "I think you'll be fine."
-[Uncle D] You'll be good, son."
You're not hungry? You want that?
[laughing]
I don't want it now! You touched it!
[laughing]
What about bombing? Do you ever bomb?
I saw you had some trouble New Year's Eve.
-[laughs] You know I do!
-Yeah.
-What was the--?
-I take lots of L's. Not lots of them.
-At least three times a year.
-What was the first gig
that just the floor opened up out
from under you?
Oh, my gosh.
The very first gig that I got paid
some real money at.
Well, it wasn't real money,
but it was some money.
My auntie had hooked me up
with this gig, like, at the--
It was, like, the Renaissance Hotel.
The promoter's like,
"Yeah, just be funny, just do your thing.
You got 15 minutes."
And I had, like, my whole set ready.
And this is my first time getting paid
outside of doing the Laugh Factory.
And they were paying me
$50 for 15 minutes,
-which I felt like
-Pretty good.
-Yeah.
-"This is great money, right?"
And I came out there,
and it was nothing but women,
in the audience, and--
And I had all these
boyfriend jokes, like--
Basically, a bunch of dick jokes.
And so I was gonna hit them
with all this, right?
And then--
It turns out though it was, like,
a lesbian party.
And, like
So they was like, "I got a dick for you!"
They was like
"I got something for you in the drawer.
You don't need your boyfriend."
They was heckling me,
and I felt like a piece of meat.
And it was, like,
the more they would talk, the more--
The more naked I felt,
and the more, like--
I was, like, slowly curling up.
And, like, somebody on the side was like,
"Come on. Come off the stage."
And I was like, "I'm gonna keep going."
'Cause I needed my $50,
so I was like, "I'm gonna take this L--"
And I just stood there, and I just kept
trying to talk through my jokes,
like, yelling stuff back at them,
and they were yelling things at me.
And they're like,
"You need to come to the other side."
-And I was like, "Not yet. Not yet. I'm--"
-[laughs]
Not yet?
"I'm 30 dicks away." [laughs]
Now I'm nine away.
Now I'm nine away, but
Is it--? Are you about on schedule?
-Almost on schedule.
-Yeah.
Nine away. I'm sure
they're waiting for me, like, "Hello."
[laughs] But
Like, when I was up there, I thought,
"Oh, this is never gonna happen again.
I quit. Like, I'm never doing this
to myself again.
I don't know why I even did this."
And I came off the stage,
and the promoter was like,
"Hey, maybe next time it'll be better"
and handed me my $50.
I was like,
"Oh, I'm back on this tomorrow!
I still got paid!
I'm gonna keep doing this."
-So
-Well, the thing about it--
And I bombed more than I didn't.
And I liked getting heckled
because I had no material.
So if a guy's heckling me
or a woman's heckling me,
I'll be happy to talk to them
-just to kill time.
-Right.
Yeah. So that was not
a problem for me, and--
And when I bombed, it was
-It was bad.
-atomic, yeah. But--
-There was no cell phones then, though.
-That's right.
There was no cell phones to record
and then put it on the front--
Like, jeez, I never experienced
anything like Miami--
But let me tell you something
that you need to know.
You probably do know this.
First of all, it's bullshit.
It's bullshit.
That's the first thing you need to know.
Secondly, never take a gig
on New Year's Eve.
[laughs] Yeah. Lesson learned!
-Yeah.
-Lesson learned.
Well, New Year's Eve,
they start drinking at noon.
-Yeah.
-And you come out,
and they think, "Well, I guess
she's gonna buy us all a car."
That's what they're thinking.
-Yeah, don't do that again.
-Yeah, I won't.
Yeah. And I can't stress this enough.
I know the circumstances of your life.
I know you learned lessons
in that experience,
and I know the culture and family
and nurturing or lack of it
can be formative.
But you're your own person.
And the power of you
is overwhelming and delightful.
Thank you.
Dave, how many movies have you been in?
[laughing] How many movies have I been in?
I've been in one.
What movie was that?
Cabin Boy.
Now, when you was in that movie,
did you have, like,
any special requirements?
Like, anything on your riders
that's like,
"I have to have this,
I have to have that"?
I had three lines,
I was done in a half an hour
[Haddish laughs]
-and back home.
-So do--?
Do you have--?
You have a rider though, right?
Like a thing that says like, "I want this
in my dressing room. I need this"?
-Look at me. Really?
-[audience laughs]
-No, I have--
-Maybe a comb?
[laughing]
Ouch!
-No, I don't-- I'm not--
-No rider?
-No. You?
-Yeah.
I'll just like, you know,
some alkaline water,
and I require that anyone
who's above me on the call sheet
massage my bunion on my left foot.
[audience laughs]
Wow, that's--
-That's a bunion, right?
-That's a beauty.
And do people actually do that?
Yeah, I got a lot of pictures of it.
I'm trying to do a coffee table book
of people--
Yeah, there you go.
[audience cheers and applauds]
Get the damn thing off.
'Cause, you know,
I got bad gout. I got gout.
[laughs]
No, I don't have gout.
My bunion. Just on the bunion,
right there. Yeah, just right there.
-Is it painful?
-Yeah, it gets painful.
-What causes that?
-Tight shoes.
You know, when you poor,
you can't afford to get, like, good shoes.
The other foot got just, like,
a baby bunion on it.
You see them corns right there?
This is tight shoes.
-No, I would--
-You know, a little farm.
I wouldn't wear tight shoes.
Yeah, well, you know,
you're not a pretty girl
that got to wear high heels and stuff.
We got to wear heels
and all that, and then--
Like, you standing on your tippy-toes
for hours and then all your weight.
You know, I'm gaining weight,
so then it's, like, more wei--
'Cause I'm eating good now.
I'm eating good,
so then it's like more weight
on that bunion.
You should squeeze a little bit harder.
[audience laughs]
That's what she said.
[laughs]
You want to take a picture of this?
-Yeah. You're a good friend.
-You know what? Now--
And I think about things
from this perspective.
But now
I can die a happy man.
[audience laughs, applauds]
-Good luck with your bunions.
-Thank you.
Tiffany Haddish, ladies and gentlemen.
[cheering]
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
[theme song playing]
[theme music playing]
-Look at that.
-[woman] How you all doing today?
Is that us?
[woman]
Thank you, guys, so much for being here.
Ladies and gentlemen, David Letterman.
Okay, I have to go now.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.Thank you.
[crowd cheers]
Hi.
Thank you.
How are ya?
Thank you very much.
Please, please.
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
I think this is maybe the tenth
of these little gatherings
that we have done,
and I will say that each one,
before it begins,
I have a different feeling about.
Some, I'm awestruck,
some I'm nervous,
some I'm excited thrilled.
The guest who has been kind enough
to join us tonight
has me in a frame of mind
I've never experienced
in the 30-plus years
I've been doing television,
if you can call it television.
This person is so dynamic
and has experienced far more
than any of us collectively
here in this theater.
Are you ready?
Okay, I think this is gonna be something.
Here she is, Tiffany Haddish.
[audience cheering, applauding]
[Letterman] Thank you, Clay.
Yeah.
-So nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.
[audience cheering]
Thank you very much, Tiffany.
Yeah, you welcome.
-You okay?
-Thank you.
Yeah. We've not met before, oddly enough.
-[exhales] Never met.
-Yeah.
First of all, that dress
I don't know what they're telling you
about the dress,
-that's fine.
-Thank you.
I love this dress, and it's getting tight.
[laughs]
Like my career getting big,
I think my body getting bigger.
[David Letterman laughs]
This might be the last time
you see me in this dress.
I understand this is a pricey garment.
Mm-hmm.
And so, when they
persuaded you to wear it,
you said, "Boy, for this kind of money,
I'm gonna get my money out of it."
And so you wear it all the time.
Yeah, I've worn it probably, in public,
about maybe six times now.
-Five-- Si-- Eighteen times.
-Mm-hmm.
I wear it to the grocery store
[Letterman laughs]
Wear it to the DMV.
That's how I get recognized.
You wear it to the DMV?
-It's how I get to the front of the line.
-Sure.
Let me just say something.
I read your book.
Yeah.
And it's a remarkable story.
-Thank you.
-And as I said
[Letterman laughs]
The fact that you prevailed
And when I finished the book
This dress don't close no more.
Would you like some duct tape?
[laughing]
-Okay.
-The fact that you not only survived this,
but also the fact that you prevailed,
I believe, parallel to this,
that your talent, your ability,
your likability,
and your sense of humor,
and your inclination for comedy
is so of you
that it almost has no bearing
on your upbringing.
You could have been
in any circumstance growing up,
and the same result
would have happened, because it's
What I'm trying to say
is your talent is so powerful.
Thank you.
And my talent is what's
helped me survive though.
That's right.
It's my-- It's my--
It's my survival technique, my tool.
That's right.
Every time you were threatened,
you said, "I'm gonna
make this person laugh,
because when I make them laugh,
I won't get beat up."
Yeah, that's the goal.
I still do that today.
Let's talk a little bit about
the foster care experience for you.
Mm-hmm.
How old were you when you went into
foster care?
And the circumstances was
your mother was injured
in a horrible car accident,
and that's when the foster care began?
Yeah, yeah, so I was about 12, 13.
-And--
-What does it do to a kid
when a kid is--
Somebody comes and says,
"We're leaving home now,
because your mother is incapable--
Incapacitated because of this
horrible wreck,
and we're going somewhere else."
Scary as hell, eh?
Well, yeah-- You know--
Okay, so I remember the date like
[exhales] Okay.
I didn't want to be with my mom no more,
because she was getting-- She was very--
She had became very violent
and very verbally abusive,
and you never knew who she was gonna be.
Every day was like a different day,
and I used to be begging my mom
if I could go live with my grandma.
"Can I please live with my grandma?"
And my mom like,
"She's not your mama. I'm your mama."
Like these things
she would yell and stuff.
Now, let me intervene here.
-This was because of head injuries.
-Yeah, she had-- So when I was--
When I was eight, about to be nine,
she had a car accident,
and her head went through a windshield,
and-- And, you know-- I was--
Look, by the grace of God she lived,
but she had to learn how to walk, talk,
eat, everything, all over again.
-Changed her personality.
-Changed everything about her.
I used to think she was demonized.
Like I thought, like, maybe somebody else
jumped inside her body.
Like, where is my mommy?
Like, she was
-She was gone, right? Gone.
-Right.
So-- And I loved her so much. Like--
And I still love her very much so.
And I remembered
when she came out the hospital--
The day she came out the hospital,
the doctor said, you know,
"Your mom's gonna need a lot of help.
She not gonna be
who she used to be all the time,
and you're gonna have to grow up
and help her."
And I'm like,
"I'm gonna help her as much as I can,
'cause I love her so much."
And you're age then? How old are you?
-I'm like nine.
-Nine years old.
I'm nine, and I, you know--
She's the first person I ever loved,
so I would do anything for her,
still to this day,
even though she has been very mean
from time to time,
and not the nicest person.
But I love her so much that I'm willing
to, you know, do whatever for her.
Is she--? How is she now?
She's much better now.
Like, all-- Like, this--
Like, I'm so grateful
for every job that I get,
and every opportunity I get
to make some kind of money,
because all I wanted to do is, like,
get her out of that mental institution,
I did.
I got her the best psychologists,
the best, you know, doctors.
And then a nurse
that sits with her every day,
and get her the best activity--
Exercise, all that stuff.
It's made such a difference, and I'm--
It's such a big difference.
So while all of this is going on,
you're pretty much raising
your siblings in foster care?
-Yeah.
-So as a family,
the kids got to stay together,
is that correct?
Well, my two sisters got to be together,
my two brothers got to be together,
and then I was alone.
And then I was getting in trouble
all the time,
'cause I would, like, catch the bus
to wherever they were at,
like, check on them.
Because from the time I was nine
till I was, like, 12 and a half,
you know, 13,
I was always taking care of everybody.
I was doing everything.
I was really trying to be the best mom
I could be, you know,
I wasn't good at it.
'Cause I didn't--
Nobody taught me how to be a mom yet,
and I think I was a little bit too young.
-How are those kids now?
-They're great.
-They're great.
-Well, you did a pretty good job.
My little baby brother is livin'
off of me, or whatever, but it's cool.
[laughing]
It's cool.
I mean, he was calling me mama
for a long time, so it's all good.
I was touched by many things in the book,
but to have kids ripped out of their homes
and taken from them to a foster home,
and then maybe again and again and again.
And the hope is that they get
a permanent home, but often they don't.
So you, knowing that, experiencing that
go to some of these places, visit them
talk to the kids, and give them
-Suitcases.
-suitcases.
So they can keep their stuff
in the suitcase
-and feel like, "Okay, I got this."
-This is mine.
-Yeah.
-Yeah, instead of feeling like--
'Cause a lot of times when they move you
around from house to house,
they move you and they throw
your clothes in trash bags.
And then, like--
It's like you're being moved around.
Like, you and your clothes are garbage.
That's what you kind of feel like.
You have really no say-so
about where you are
or where you feel safe at.
And then you're trying
to just figure out, like,
"Well, what--? I thought I--
I cleaned the bathroom like they asked me.
Why did they take me out of here?"
Like, "I really thought
we were getting along."
Like, "Why don't you like me?"
And it really has nothing to do,
a lot of times, with the foster parent.
It's the court, and, like, where
they need to place kids at a certain age.
It's a whole lot of stuff
that goes into it, but when you're a kid,
none of that-- You don't know that.
All you know is they're making you
throw your clothes in a bag
and moving you somewhere.
And I said to myself,
when I was like 13, I said,
"If I ever get any kind of power,
if I'm able to do anything,
I'm gonna try to figure out
a way to make sure
kids don't feel like garbage,
they don't feel like this."
'Cause it is the worst feeling
in the world
to just be having to just go,
like, you just
You come home from school,
and it's like,
"You're going over here now."
And you're, like, just dropped
in these strangers' houses.
You don't know these people,
these people don't know you.
You don't know if they're gonna hurt you,
if they're gonna be kind to you,
you don't have a clue
what's going on. Right?
And there's nothing hat's really yours,
except this trash bag.
But if you give 'em a suitcase
Right? I remember
when I got my first suitcase,
I felt like I was a traveler,
like I had a purpose, like I'm a person,
like I'm not garbage.
This is mine, and my things are in here.
And wherever I go,
I can take this with me,
and I'm going somewhere, you know?
I'm a human.
I'm not garbage.
[audience applauds]
[Letterman] Beautiful.
Oh, you made it.
-Oh, thank you.
-Hi.
Ready to get to gardening?
-Did you have fun at dinner last night?
-Yeah, you know--
-Yeah, we had a lot of fun.
-Good.
-Did you get drunk?
-I don't drink.
-Okay.
-There was some alcohol involved,
but I don't
Well, I'm gonna drinking myself,
personally.
-You got a ways to go.
-But I'll do it in moderation.
Yeah. Yeah, I think you'll be fine.
When I turn 70 though, I'm gonna do drugs.
[laughs]
When I turn 70, that's when
I'm gonna do hardcore drugs.
I got it all planned out.
-I'm gonna start with mushrooms first.
-Yeah.
then I'm gonna wait a week,
and then the next week
I'm gonna do some cocaine,
then the week after that,
I'm gonna try crack,
then the week after that, LSD,
then the week after that,
whatever else is out there,
whatever new stuff they got.
-Ecstasy--
-This is gonna be a busy year for you,
-but--
-At 70.
Let's talk about this a little bit.
Have you ever done
any of these things before?
-No.
-All right. Good for you.
-Good for you.
-Yeah.
I just smoke weed. Actually, I grow some.
You want to see?
-Yeah, let me see your--
-No, I don't grow no weed.
First things first,
you got to pick up this poop.
-Pick up the what?
-Poop.
From what?
From the dog.
Oh, I don't-- This is nothing.
-The dog's in the house.
-I got two dogs.
-I do this all the time.
-Okay, good. Perfect.
-You got the wrong equipment here.
-No.
We need a shovel. Don't you have a shovel?
-Yes!
-There you go.
God dang, that's exactly
what we're looking for.
-Well, let's see.
-It doesn't mess--
You gonna mess up my grass?
-Look at that, Tiffany. Come on.
-That's good.
-You're good at that.
-Come on.
-And do you bag it or anything? Or just--?
-I just put it in there.
-Oh, you know what I'd do.
-No!
Don't do that.
They got a pool right there.
-I don't live here.
-Don't you do that.
-I'm gone in a half an hour.
-Don't you mess--
Don't mess up my relationship
with my neighbors, bro.
-It's just that easy.
-Okay.
What are we gonna do here?
We gonna pull up this grass
and these weeds.
Mm-hmm.
-This is--
-What is this thing?
This is artichoke.
-Oh, my God. Really?
-It's an artichoke plant, yeah.
How many will it produce?
-Oh, look at that.
-Like three to four.
-And you eat them, right?
-Yeah, they're delicious.
-They're fantastic, aren't they?
-Yeah, they are.
Yeah, but we need to, like,
take all the dead leaves off.
It's good for you. It's calming, you know.
Well, I grew up with a garden
in my backyard.
My parents grew everything.
Name something
and we'll see if they grew it.
-Eggplants?
-Yes.
Cucumbers?
Yes.
-Tomatoes?
-Oh, tomatoes like crazy.
-And then my mom would can the tomatoes,
-Oh, yeah.
and we'd have tomatoes
and tomato juice all winter.
I was reminded last night at dinner
about when you and the stepkids
-were separated.
-Yeah.
And the the little boy
that called you "mommy."
Yeah, that's my brother, Justin.
He would call me "mama,"
and then when we dropped him
at the foster home,
he was like, "Tittany, Tittany."
-He finally said my name.
-Yeah.
-You want to meet my brother? He here.
-Yeah.
-How old is he now?
-He's 26.
-He about to be 27 now.
-Oh, man.
-And--
-[yells] Justin!
Jesus!
[yells] Justin!
He'll come out in a minute.
Hi, Justin. How are ya?
-I got a handful of garden here.
-I appreciate it.
You look pretty good.
-I appreciate that.
-Things going your way?
-Pretty good, yeah. Staying on focus.
-Yeah.
Thanks to my sister helping me out, too.
I would think you'd be used to her
screaming like that.
-I am, but, like, that one felt like--
-[laughs]
I was like, "Is there danger?"
I was looking for a moment--
I was like, "Do I need to grab something?"
Yeah, that was like somebody's been
electrocuted in the backyard.
Anyway, nice meeting you.
And by the way,
don't worry about the dog shit.
I've taken care of it.
[laughs] Word.
I like this.
This is what I do around the house.
I pretend to help.
You pretend?
Well, I think you're doing a good job.
Wait a minute. How come
Justin's not out here doing this?
[laughing] I know!
-I don't know.
-Why are you out here doing it?
That's what I'm saying.
It's his job to do it while I'm gone,
but he hasn't been doing it.
That's the question
we should be asking him.
-[yells] Justin!
-Oh, Jesus!
[laughing]
So when you turned 18, you're--
You've graduated out of the system.
-You can't live in that system.
-Yeah, got emancipated out of the system.
My grandma stopped getting
a check for me, she put me out.
She was like,
"You got friends. You'll be okay."
-And--
-What did you do then?
Being okay and "being okay"
are two different things.
What did you do?
Well, I slept on some couches
for a little while, then I got over--
I talked my auntie
into letting me stay at her place.
I was giving her some money,
stayed there for a little bit.
I was going to community college,
and I was going to this travel academy
to teach you "customer service skills."
So I'm the best at customer service.
[audience laughs]
Good for you. [laughs]
And then everything was okay or not okay?
No, everything was not okay.
It was, like, just a little easier,
but everything was not okay.
I mean, I still had, like,
you know, learning issues, and--
And, like, just
And there was bullies and stuff like that.
What was the nature of the bullying?
-The nature of the bullying--
-Was this little girls,
little boys? Both bullying you?
Oh, mostly boys.
But yeah, girls too.
I mean, they would say like,
"Oh, you dirty. You ugly.
Your hair always mess--"
Like, they would just
'Cause I was kind of raggedy.
I was a raggedy kid.
Forgive me, but isn't that
the nature of kids generally?
I got a kid who's 15, and he's raggedy.
[audience laughs]
Well, you need to do a better job, Dave.
[laughing]
You're not the first to express that view.
You need to do a better job, Dave.
So, but then you get a gig
as the school mascot.
Was that grade school, high school?
When did that--?
That was high school.
I was the school mascot.
Yeah, I was a conquistador.
-A conquistador.
-Yeah, yeah, I was a Spanish soldier,
and they wanted me to wear this head,
but the head smelled really bad.
It was really funky in there.
From the previous mascot.
-Probably from all the previous mascots.
-[laughs]
Yeah, so I decided I wasn't
gonna wear the head,
that I would just wear the helmet
and a cape and stuff.
So I was killing it as a mascot, right?
All the football games
was getting sold out.
Now, mind you, you can check the stats.
You check my stats. You check it out.
You could-- You could check.
There was nobody coming to the games,
really, before I started mascotting.
-I started mascotting
-[audience laughs]
I started mascotting
And I was giving out all this candy,
and I was so hype,
and I had it--
I made it really fun, right?
And by my senior year,
I realized that I ain't had no boyfriend.
And all my friends had boyfriends,
and I wanted a boyfriend, and
Okay, I kind of had a boyfriend
for a minute,
and he broke up with me
because people was calling him
the assistant mascot,
-'cause he would carry my bag.
-[audience laughs]
You know, coincidentally,
that's what my wife calls me.
-She calls you the "assistant mascot"?
-Yeah, yeah.
Oh, that's cute. So
[laughing]
So I told everybody, "I ain't mascotting
no more. I quit. I ain't doing it."
So people stop coming to the games.
By the third game, the dean called me
into the office and was like,
"Tiffany, what's it gonna take
to get you back on the field?"
And I was like
"A boyfriend."
Wow.
And then he was like,
"I can't get you a boyfriend."
Like, "I can't do that.
I just can't do that."
And I was like, "Well, if my hair was done
and my nails were done,
I probably could get a boyfriend."
And he was like, "Well, I can't get
your hair and nails done,
be we can maybe work out some kind of--
Maybe an agreement on the candy.
We'll refund you for the candy you give."
-I was getting 50 bucks a game, basically.
-[laughs]
But I had to give him candy receipts.
[laughing]
That's delightful.
And my nails was done,
and my hair was done.
Congratulations. That's
It's a lovely story.
[audience applauds]
Now, the other thing about you
that brought to light something
that I was completely ignorant of,
it's, like, the bar mitzvah ci
Is it a circuit, or?
-What do you do?
-"Energy producer" was my title.
-Energy producer?
-Energy producer.
I produce energy.
That's why I was killing
the football games,
then I moved slowly
into the bar mitzvah game,
killing the mitzvahs.
-Had it hype, baby!
-[audience applauds]
Turned up!
So this is simultaneous?
-Which came first?
-I was doing the--
The football games came first.
The mascotting came first,
and then I went to the homecoming dance.
I was at the homecoming dance,
and I was dancing my butt off.
I was dancing so mu-- I love to dance.
It's, like, my favorite thing.
And the DJ came up to me,
and he was like, "Wow, you're amazing.
I'd love for you to work for my company.
We do bar mitzvahs and executive parties."
And I thought
he was a straight-up perv, right?
-'Cause at that time in my life,
-[laughs]
I didn't know exactly
what a bar mitzvah was.
I thought you got on a bar
and you showed your mitzvah.
[audience laughs and applauds]
Right?
So
-But I took [laughs]
-[audience laughs]
It's what I thought, guys.
So I took his card anyways,
because at that point in my life,
I had become accustomed to,
if you tell a guy, "Ew, you gross,"
or if you like, "No, I don't want
to give you my number"
or "I don't want your card,"
most guys-- at that time in my life,
they would, like, throw acorns at you
or pine cones
or cuss you out, call you a dirty bitch
or throw beer bottles at you
and stuff like that.
So I didn't want that kind of response.
'Cause you got to remember,
I'm from the 'hood, boo. You know?
Why do y'all do that?
-I'm sorry, what am I doing?
-Why do men do that?
If you be like, "No, I'm not interested,"
you be like,
"Well, you're a bitch anyways."
-Like--
-No.
-[Letterman stammers]
-[audience applauds]
I'm a nice person
that's not interested. I'm sorry.
Not once in my life
have I thrown an acorn at a woman.
[laughs] What about a pine cone?
-Not even a pine cone.
-Okay.
-All right, so--
-Okay, anyways, so I took his card--
I took his card, right?
I go home, and I show my grandma the card.
She said, "Oh, you better call him.
That's getting closer to your people."
I was like, "Our people is strippers?"
[laughs]
She was like, "No, no.
-You know you're Jewish."
-And I was like, "I am?"
And she started explaining to me
about my father.
That's when I started really learning
about my dad and stuff.
She was like,
"Maybe that'll get you closer to him.
You might meet your dad. Who knows?"
Like, "Give that man a call."
Your father is out of the picture
at this point?
-Yeah, I haven't seen my--
-He--
At this point, I haven't seen my dad
since I was three.
-He took a hike when you were three?
-Three, yeah.
So my grandma tells me this
is getting closer to people and stuff.
She said, "You better call that man.
Let's call him."
So the next day we call him,
he says, "Come to my office.
I'd like to interview you."
He asked me a few questions,
like, you know,
When you're at a party,
do you dance the whole time,
or do you like to stand on the wall,
or do you talk to people?"
Like, asked me all these questions
about, like, me at a party.
And I'm like, "Oh, at parties,
I dance all the time.
Like, give me some water
and I'm good to go.
Give me a Sprite and it's on."
[laughs] That's when Sprite was hot.
And
[laughs]
And he said he would pay me, like, $40--
$40 a party, right?
-And it's--
-Weekend parties--
Like, how many parties per weekend
could you do?
Well, when I first started,
I only did, like, maybe one.
By the time I did it for 11 years.
-Eleven years?
-I did it for 11 years.
I've done over 500 bar mitzvahs
and executive parties.
Why did you qui--?
Why did you give that up?
[audience laughs]
I mean
I was getting to the point
where I was making $2,500 a party,
and, like, getting flown
all over the country to do parties.
All over the country?
People come in for the party
and you're dancing?
You come in when the people
are there and you dance?
-What--? How does that?
-So, like, people are walking in,
as they're walking in,
like, taking their seats,
maybe I'm, like,
by the DJ booth, like just:
Ayy, ayy, ayy, come on. Yeah.
[audience clapping]
[Letterman laughing]
-Right? Getting it going. Ayy!
-Yeah. Yeah.
Hey. Hey.
And then the music kicks in,
some good music kicks in,
I'm like, "Oh, that's my jam!"
And I'll run up and grab somebody
by their tie,
and be like, "Hey."
[audience laughs]
And then they'll come out
to the dance floor.
-[dance music playing]
-Is that music going right there?
Is that the cue?
Okay!
Hey, there we go. Come on. Hey!
What up, grandma?! Ayy!
Okay. All right.
I tell you, that's Yeah-- Thank you.
[audience cheers]
I'm having chest pains.
[audience cheers]
[Tiffany Haddish laughs]
[audience cheers and applauds]
I know
Let me tell you something.
Oh, this dress is tight! Shit!
Let me just say one thing. I know
I know I looked stupid..
but I really enjoyed that.
[laughs]
-Right?
-Yeah.
Thank you.
[Letterman] This is your old neighborhood?
This is where you were a kid?
[Haddish] Yeah, I used to hang out
over here.
Was it like this? Different?
Same kind of thing?
[Haddish]
It was like this, but a lot different.
-A lot more riffraff in the streets.
-Hmm.
There was a lot of gangbangers out here,
-a lot of thugs.
-Oh, really?
So now, when you say "gang,"
are we talking about, like,
the Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts?
Or are we talking about--?
Crips, Bloods.
-Oh, actual gangs.
-Yeah, real gangs.
Yeah.
-And your membership was rejected.
-Yes.
I didn't even get to put in
the application.
-[laughing] Oh, they--
-I tried.
Was there much paperwork
in the application?
[Haddish] I mean, my whole life
I've been in this area.
Now when you're here, what is it like?
People all over you, screaming at you?
No. I mean, they be like,
"Hey, Tiff, what's up?"
-If they recognize me.
-Yeah.
You're their own, right?
They love the fact
that you represent this.
[Haddish] Yeah. Like, we family.
[Letterman] Tell me, what is it like being
that close to your old neighborhood now?
And everybody knows who you are,
and here you are, and there you are.
Well, everybody don't know
who I am no more,
because it's like a different--
It's a different environment. Like--
-It's called gentrification.
-Oh.
-And that's not good? That is good?
-I mean
You know, it is what it is.
My property value going up,
so I ain't hating.
You know, they put
a Kaiser Permanente down the street.
I'm winning.
[audience laughs]
They say a Trader Joe's is coming.
I'm just like, "All Right! Whoo-hoo!"
[audience laughs]
-Do--?
-They closed the Walmart.
When they closed the Walmart, I was like,
"Oh, no, they closed the Walmart!"
They said, "They're opening up
another Target." I was like, "Hey!"
[laughing]
Now, are people--? When gentrification--?
Are people pushed out? Or--?
-I think they are pushed out.
-They are pushed out.
-I believe they are.
-And what becomes of those people?
-Where do they go?
-I think they go to, like, the desert.
A lot of, like, my friends,
my old friends,
-they live in like Lancaster.
-Mm-hmm.
Palmdale.
Oh, Pinedale. But is that a good thing?
-Palmdale.
-Palmdale.
-Yeah, not Pinedale.
-Yeah, yeah.
I'm sorry. I--
I'm nearly a hundred.
[Haddish laughs]
No, you're not.
-But is that--?
-You got a long ways to go still.
Oh, God bless ya.
You know, if I live to be 70,
I'm gonna start taking drugs.
I know I am!
[both laugh]
Tell me about your experience
in Scientology.
Oh, okay, so
[audience laughs]
So, what brought you to Scientology?
Homelessness.
I was homeless, and I was trying
to get me a job as an extra,
and I was standing in line
at Central Casting,
and this man came up to me, and he said,
"If you're trying to be an entertainer,
we have program that'll help you."
And I was like, "Look, man,
I'm homeless. I'm trying to get a job."
And he was like,
"Oh, you should come down to our center.
We can help you."
And so then, I went down there
and, you know, went through
the whole orientation and stuff.
And he was like, "You know,
you don't have to sleep in your car.
You could work here.
You can be here
at the Church of Scientology.
You know, we don't have anyone like you,
and you're so good with the community.
We're getting ready to open up
some places in Inglewood
and South Central Los Angeles
that you could potentially run
and be a part of."
I was like, "Okay,"
and then I signed the contract.
It was like a billion-year contract,
I was like [groans]
[Letterman laughs]
I ain't going to live that long. Whatever.
I need a place to sleep, right? So
And then when they took me
to the barracks
where I would be sleeping--
Like when you're in the boot camp portion
or whatever, it's bunk beds.
I don't do bunk beds.
I don't mess with bunk beds.
Bunk beds are dangerous.
I don't fuck with bunk beds, because--
From when I was in MacLaren Hall,
you know--
There's only, like--
If that bunk bed's up in the corner,
there's only two ways out that bunk bed.
And if somebody's trying to mess with you,
and if there's two of them
or three or more,
you know, boom, they block you.
You can't get out that bunk bed.
Now you got to curl up and take
that ass whooping. I'm not doing that.
Wow!
I don't do bunk beds, right?
So when they was like,
"You go and sleep here,"
I was like, "I'm not sleeping here.
We gonna make a pallet
on the floor or something.
I ain't sleeping here.
I'd rather sleep on the floor.
I ain't sleeping there.
I ain't sleeping in no bunk bed."
They was like, "No, you gonna
have to sleep in the bunk bed."
I was like,
"I ain't sleeping in a bunk bed."
Then they was like, "No, you gonna sleep
in this bunk bed," and they left.
And I was like, "I'm not sleeping
in no motherfucking bunk bed."
And I was like loud and everything,
and it was just me and these little
white girls with blonde hair,
and they were like, "Oh, my God.
[audience laughs]
It's just a bunk bed." Like [laughs]
I was like, "I don't do bunk beds!
I don't care what they say.
I ain't sleeping in no bunk bed."
Then they made me get on
them can things. These cans--
Oh, tell me about the cans.
You're holding the cans--
The cans-- They call them the cans,
and, like, it's supposed to--
You hold onto that
and you talk about whatever, like,
makes you emotional or whatever
and it's supposed to gauge your energy.
And then you keep telling the story
over and over and over again,
and eventually, the energy meter
is supposed to read low,
and then, like, you good, right?
But mine wasn't--
I told the story probably--
Like, I was there for four or five hours,
telling the same story over and over.
Like, "I said this is why
I don't do bunk beds!"
-And it never The meter was like
-[laughing]
It's supposed to be over here. I'm like
"I don't do 'em!
I keep telling you that--!
I don't give a damn.
I ain't sleeping in no bunk bed."
Like-- So
By like four, five in the morning,
they was like, "You can go."
And they just tore up the contract.
[laughs] Forget the billion-year contract.
Wow!
-And I left.
-[audience applauds]
-Yeah, that's pretty good.
-Yeah.
They still invite me to events, though.
-Oh, sure.
-I'm like, "I don't know why--"
Like, "If there ain't no bunk bed,
I might come through.
Y'all got some food?" [laughs]
You started doing stand up
when you were a kid, a youngster.
-Yes, '97.
-'97.
And on the weekends,
you would come to a comedy camp
-at the Laugh Factory.
-I would catch the bus
from South Central LA
all the way to the Laugh Factory.
What would happen if we was on the bus,
and you sat next to a crazy person
and started acting crazy?
What would happen, you know? So
I like for people to see me and laugh.
I don't care if you're laughing at me
or with me,
as long as you're laughing, right?
I get on the bus, and I go "Halalalala."
[Letterman] Do people know what
the Comedy Camp is?
So the Comedy Camp is
at the Laugh Factory,
and they have--
Every summer,
they have inner-city kids come in--
Not just inner-city, but at-risk youth
and kids that want to perform
that might have, like, speech issues
or issues talking in public or whatever.
And they come in, and every Saturday,
you get to get on stage
and you tell jokes.
You learn from other comedians.
Like Dane Cook came through there,
the Wayans brothers came through there,
and Richard Pryor showed up.
And the da-- When he came in,
he was in his wheelchair, he rolled in.
I was like, "I need a wheelchair.
That's how I knew you rich."
Like, I though rich people
had wheelchairs. Anyways
[audience laughs]
Anyways, he
I was up there telling my jokes,
and he stopped me in the middle of it.
He was like,
"Stop, stop. What are you doing?"
I said, "I'm telling a joke."
He goes, "No, you're not."
I said, "Yes, I am."
He goes, "No, you're not."
I said, "Yes, I am."
He goes, "No, you're not."
I said, "What am I doing?
He said, "Getting on my--"
He said, "You're getting on my god-dang
nerves, that's what you're doing."
-[audience laughs]
-I was like
I was like, "What do you mean?"
He said, "Look, people don't come
to comedy shows
because they want to hear about
your problems or politics or religion
or about what's like pop culture.
They come to comedy shows to have fun.
So when you're on stage,
you need to be having fun."
And that's what I'm doing now.
No matter where I go,
no matter what I do, I try to have fun.
But these
The Comedy Camp is
The goal is not necessarily to produce
-great stand-up men and women.
-No.
-But the goal is confidence, right?
-Yeah, to have--
Yeah, 'cause that's where I learned
communication, confidence.
I learned how to construct a joke.
I learned how to be able to stand
in front of a room full of people
and not be afraid.
Also, when to be funny,
when not to be funny.
That was, like, mind-blowing for me,
because I really
didn't experience that much.
-How old were you at that point?
-I was 15,
about to be-- I was 16.
Like, it was-- Yeah, 15, 16, yeah.
So, I mean, there--
The rest of your life
is taking shape right there.
Right there, yeah.
Where were you?
When you were 16, I think I had the--
-Was doing a talk show.
-Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
But you were doing it in--
Didn't you have time off?
[laughing] Yeah, I had time off.
Why you didn't come to the Comedy Camp
-and talk to the kids?
-Well, I'll tell you
-Do you care about the kids?
-I care about the kids.
So I think that's what you gonna do
this summer, right?
I was running.
I was running a
[audience applauding]
You see his cheeks
getting rosy like Santa? [laughs]
[audience laughs]
I was running a talk show camp for kids.
-A talk show camp for kids?
-Now
You know, but I was down the street.
The Comedy Store
is pretty much where I started, yeah.
About when I was 26 or 27,
I moved to California from Indiana.
[Haddish] And when was that?
It was 1975.
-Oh!
-Yeah.
Who did you hang out with
when you started doing--?
Well, when I was at the Comedy Store,
it was fantastic.
-My good friend George Miller was there.
-Yeah.
[Letterman] God rest his soul.
-Tom Dreesen was there, who I think--
-I love--
-You know Tom.
-Yeah, that's like my dad.
[Letterman] Jay Leno was there.
Elayne Boosler.
Marsha Warfield.
Robin Williams was there.
Charlie Fleischer was there.
-Yeah, that's my boy.
-Yeah, yeah.
Now, I was interested to know
that you guys had buddied up.
-Was that through the Comedy Camp?
-Yeah, through the Comedy Camp.
He was the first one to tell me
potty humor is not good for a pretty girl.
-Don't do that.
-Mm-hmm.
And I was like,
"But the comic last week said
talk about what you know about."
And I know about the toilet. [laughs]
[laughing]
-If I had a joke about--
-How many of you here
-don't know about the toilet?
-[audience laughs]
How many of you
have not figured it out by now?
-Now, you knew of Moms Mabley.
-Yes.
And I find that strange, because
she's been gone a long time
and was a real pioneer.
[Haddish] Right.
And I know of her,
and saw her on various television shows,
but I'm surprised that somebody
much younger than me would know about her.
-Paul Mooney was one of the teachers.
-Paul Mooney.
[Haddish]
And he used to be telling us about--
Like, I used to ask him like,
"What women are good?"
He's like,
"If you really want to be a comedian,
you got to study this.
You got to know your comedy.
And you need to go all the way
from Charlie Chaplin all the way to today.
You need to look at everybody.
Study everybody."
Paul Mooney was fascinating
when he was up and doing it.
And I came upon him early on
when I got to the Comedy Store,
and he always wanted the worst time.
He wanted the absolute worst time.
He said, "I don't care,
two o'clock in the morning,
If there's four people there,
I don't care. That's when--"
And he would do that,
and he would take command of the stage,
-and he loved just irritating people.
-[laughs]
Oh, my God!
And we would just all--
It made us all laugh,
because he was having such a great time.
I guess back to Richard's premise,
even if you're irritating people,
as long as you're having fun.
It doesn't matter--
Doesn't matter what you're talking about
as long as you're having fun.
Who used to bump you all the time?
-Well, Richard.
-Richard was--
I mean, I can remember--
And I remember him walking
into the Comedy Store, just dropped in.
He was working on material
for a new album.
There was an aura about him.
Just a confident nonchalance.
The way he carried himself up
on the stage,
and, of course, the place erupts.
-So now Richard does about an hour,
-Mm-hmm.
and honestly,
you would have thought that a bomb
had been detonated on Sunset.
The laughter was uncontainable,
it was enormous, it was vigorous, it was--
You know,
it was like a holiday for people.
"Oh, my God, there's Richard Pryor
standing right here."
And then he left,
and then it was my turn.
[laughing]
-Isn't that the worst?
-Oh, it was--
But, you know-- Of course.
I knew it was gonna happen.
And by the time I got to the microphone,
everybody had followed Richard out.
Like, they were-
They're all going back to his place,
and it's just me talking to chairs.
-Yeah.
-But that's part of it, and--
Yeah, I was-- I wasn't upset,
-because, my God, it's Richard Pryor.
-Yeah.
Is there anybody that you came across--?
Somebody you thought,
"This is directing me. This is a beacon."
Carol Burnett who I still want to meet.
I still haven't met her.
I would love to meet her.
I still watch-- I have, like,
videotapes of her show.
I still have a VCR.
I still watch her.
And I love her.
And if I could work with her
in some kind of way, shape or form,
I would be, like, super happy.
Yeah. That would be good.
That would be very good, yeah.
-Just thinking about it makes me, like--
-Yeah.
She's-- I'm gonna cry.
Like, I love that lady.
And, like, I used to suck my thumb
and watch her and be like, "She funny."
[audience laughs]
[Letterman laughs]
'Cause you don't get to see
a lot of, like--
You didn't get to see
a lot of women be funny.
Like, it wasn't really, like, a thing.
If you're gonna be funny as a woman,
you have to be eccentric,
you have to be a character.
You can't just be
a beautiful person and be funny.
So my goal is to change that.
Well, you know, this is fascinating
that you're saying this,
because in reading your book,
looking at your movies,
and studying you
I have that same impression of you.
That all we really need here is you.
And if that's sort of what
you're following in life,
wow, the sky's the limit,
'cause, you know, you have it all.
-Congratulations on that.
-Thank you.
Like, you had your experience--
When did you say to yourself,
"This is what I'm gonna do"?
Did you have a moment when you knew
exactly what you were gonna do?
I knew-- Like, I knew I wanted
to do something that I loved to do,
-Right.
-and I knew that I loved to entertain.
And, like, I was in drama at school,
and I was winning all kinds
of competitions and stuff.
What was the Shakespeare-y festival?
-Shakespeare festival.
-Oh, yeah, yeah.
So-- I don't know if it's still going on,
but LA Unified School District
used to collaborate
with other school districts,
and they would have
this Shakespearean festival.
And you would do, like different--
Like scenes
from Shakespeare plays and stuff.
And I used to do monologues.
And, like, I did Midsummer Night's Dream
and different stuff, and I won.
-and I won--
-Monologues from the plays.
-You would memorize them, and--
-Yeah, memorize them.
Sometimes I would play all the characters.
Like when I did Midsummer Night's
Dream, I did all the characters.
-That's not easy stuff to do.
-No, and I was real good at it, too.
And I couldn't even re--
That was the thing,
like, I couldn't even read really,
but, like, I would get somebody
to read it to me.
Like, I was real good
at manipulating people to, like--
-I'd be like, "Your voice sounds good.
-Mm-hmm.
Can I hear you read this to me?"
[laughing]
And I'd be like
And I would memorize what they said,
and then I would make it work for me.
By the way, when did you learn
to completely read on your own?
-Because you were--
-I was like 16.
My drama teacher figured it out.
'Cause she would try to get me
to, like, do a scene,
or read something in front of the class,
and I would be like,
"I got to go pee. I got to go
to the bathroom. I got a boo-boo."
Like, I would just, like, make up stuff.
"Oh, I'm sick. Oh, I don't feel like it,"
and, like, leave.
And this one day, she was like--
Would not let me leave,
and made me stay,
and then she made me read to her,
and I could not read to her.
She was like, "You can't read."
I was like, "I can read."
-Like, I got, like, an attitude.
-What grade are you in here?
Tenth grade.
Tenth grade,
so a sophomore in high school.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
And you can't read easily.
-You can't read much of anything.
-Not very well.
-Like--
-So, what does she do now?
So then she-- Every, like--
I don't know if you guys had this
when you were in school,
but we had, like, nutrition.
That was a 15-minute break,
and then lunch.
And so I would come in
at nutrition and lunch and read to her.
And she would make me read while--
Like, while I ate my lunch I had to read,
you know, on my break I had to read.
And then she did it
for the whole semester,
so by the end of the semester,
I was pretty good
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
Now, when you were doing
the Shakespeare thing and winning--
And you were after it for several years.
Who was there in your home,
your house, wherever you were,
that was thrilled by that?
I think my auntie and my uncle,
they were, like-- They were everything.
They, like-- They supported
a lot of what I was doing.
And, like, they would introduce me
to their friends,
and I would sell them tickets
to my plays,
and sometimes their friends
would actually come to my shows,
but most of the times they wouldn't.
But sometimes they would.
[man] Ha!
-Is that my uncle?
-[audience laughs]
Uncle D! What up, bro? [laughs]
Wait a minute. He's here?
Yeah, You know, he was the--
When I graduated from high school,
he was the only one
that was there on time.
He was the only one there.
I remember I was like-- Hey!
-That's my Uncle D.
-Nice to have you here. Thank you.
[Letterman] Now, we're going
to your uncle's place here, right?
-Around the corner?
-Yes, we're going to D's Take Out.
When I was a kid,
we used to be at his house,
in the kitchen cooking food.
Like catering all kinds
of events and stuff.
-Yeah.
-I was like his sous-chef.
-I was cutting up all the food and stuff.
-Getting stuff ready.
[Haddish]
Yeah, getting it ready. Prepping.
How am I at the front of the table?
-'Cause you're the man.
-[Uncle D] Oh, Dave.
-Tiffany, this is Uncle D.
-Yes.
And the D is for?
-Delici-- No.
-[Haddish laughs]
It's Damon.[laughs]
[Letterman] And we're in your store,
we're in your restaurant.
How long has this restaurant been here?
For us, ten years now.
-Ten years.
-Yes, sir.
But how long
have you been in Tiffany's life?
Oh, 30, 40 years. Thirty years?
Unh-unh!
How long--? Don't say 40.
-I'm not that old!
-Okay, so 25.
A long time, yeah.
I'm not that old!
And is--? Am I correct about this?
That for a long time, and maybe even
including right here today,
he was one of the few,
if not the only man you could trust?
Yeah, one of the few, yeah.
-Is that right?
-You're the only one.
But what did he represent in your life
that this guy was safe?
Always gave me things to do,
like, kept me productive,
always would talk to me,
like a super cool dude.
-Thank you very much. Oh, my God.
-Yeah.
-Thank you, wifey.
-Thank you.
This neighborhood was different then?
Oh, man.
it was different, and--
What, '92 there was a riot.
[siren wails]
-[Uncle D] It was a sad day.
-[Letterman] Is it Rodney King?
[Uncle D] Yeah, that Rodney King
So this whole community was engulfed.
What is that like when something like that
takes over your home area?
-Scary?
-It was wack! It was-- It was insulting.
-Insulting?
-Yeah.
I was working at Westwood at the time,
had a restaurant up there
with some guys, and
I could have swore
They were like, "Man, they probably
gonna do something in the 'hood."
I'm like, "No, they won't."
Like, "My community?"
I came home, they were coming in
and out the window,
you know, taking stuff.
So how did the?
Excuse the expression.
How did the healing
then begin in the community?
How did the rebuilding?
It's just now starting
-Become on the upswing from--
-Is that right?
Yeah, so, '92 to now?
What was that like for you?
Man, I was mad
'cause I wanted to go the--
I wanted to go to the riots.
I wanted to go to Payless,
get some new shoes.
You know, I wanted some hair products,
I wanted some clothes.
-Was you working that day?
-And my mama--
No, my mama wouldn't let me
go out the house.
She's like, "Y'all can't go out there.
You might get killed."
I'm like, "But, Mom, I need shoes!"
I know a lot of people that did that.
[laughs]
And I'd see people walking by--
Like, I'm looking out the window,
I see people walking by with baskets
and stuff, and I see it on the news.
I'm like, "That's not fair, Mom.
We should be out there."
She's like, "No. No!"
And then when we went back to school,
everybody had new clothes, perms.
Like, they had on nice backpacks
and all this stuff. I was jealous.
[Uncle D laughs]
But, you know, because of him,
I was able to buy myself
my first pair of Doc Martens boots.
And not just that,
remember your car? The fir--?
-That Geo Metro.
-The Ugly--
-The Ugly Duckling!
-The Ugly Duck--! [laughs]
He took me to the Ugly Ducking
to get that piece of shit
-[laughs]
-that got me everywhere.
I lived in that car.
Welcome to my house,
the 1995 Geo Metro.
So, yeah, I keep all my clothes with me,
and I keep 'em in these suitcases here.
I know where everything is.
If I need something, I got it.
'Cause just 'cause I don't have
a place to stay,
don't mean that I have to look like
I don't have a place to stay, you feel me?
That car stayed around for a long time,
-although it was--
-I still got it.
-You still got it?
-It's in a parking lot right now.
-That's crazy. The Geo Metro, what, '99?
-[Haddish] '95, 1995.
How many miles did it have on it
when you got it?
When I got it, it had 88,000 miles.
-Eighty-eight thousand miles.
-Well, that's-- It just gets--
It's broken in then.
What'd you pay for it?
It was supposed to be $8,000,
ended up paying $12,000 for that car.
-And I paid it off in three years.
-This is what happened.
-I'm gonna tell you why, Dave.
-It seems high.
-That's very high.
-For a Geo Metro, it's very high.
-With 88,000 miles on it.
-But we both had bad credit, Dave.
I think it was a 50% interest rate.
-But--
-It was crazy interest.
But she was riding.
Don't get rid of it.
What are you gonna get rid of it for?
-You're not gonna get anything out of it.
-[laughs]
I'm gonna put it
in the living room of my mansion.
-Put it in the entryway.
-The entryway, yeah.
'Cause I--
Those cars are not appreciating.
-Right, right.
-[laughing]
The first time she did stand-up,
were you there?
Yeah, at the Comedy Club.
-The first--
-Yeah.
Her summer camp.
-Yeah.
-I was up there.
No, I knew we had something.
I told her, though, her first show,
like, "Why'd you go so dirty?
-What happened?"
-Oh, as I got older.
I mean, you didn't know
that this was coming out of her?
It wasn't, you know, offensive,
-but I was just thinking--
-[Letterman] Surprised.
-It was surprising, you know.
-Yeah.
[Haddish] That's gonna be in a set.
She looks very innocent.
You go to her movies and stuff?
-Man, are you serious?
-That must be crazy, right?
Oh, it was so crazy.
The Girls Trip when I first saw it,
I think I cried the whole--
Like, I was laughing-crying.
You know what I mean? Like, oh, my God.
Did she actually
just pee on everybody? Yeah.
[laughing]
Yeah! That is my little girl.
[Haddish] I did it.
Want to know a little secret?
I peed for real.
-No, did you? [laughs]
-I couldn't hold it.
Well, it's fascinating to me
that you saw this in her early on.
-[Uncle D] Yeah.
-Because my family--
I had a paper route when I was a kid,
and I think they thought
that was just about right.
Right.
"He'll do that for the rest of his life."
-[Letterman] "I think you'll be fine."
-[Uncle D] You'll be good, son."
You're not hungry? You want that?
[laughing]
I don't want it now! You touched it!
[laughing]
What about bombing? Do you ever bomb?
I saw you had some trouble New Year's Eve.
-[laughs] You know I do!
-Yeah.
-What was the--?
-I take lots of L's. Not lots of them.
-At least three times a year.
-What was the first gig
that just the floor opened up out
from under you?
Oh, my gosh.
The very first gig that I got paid
some real money at.
Well, it wasn't real money,
but it was some money.
My auntie had hooked me up
with this gig, like, at the--
It was, like, the Renaissance Hotel.
The promoter's like,
"Yeah, just be funny, just do your thing.
You got 15 minutes."
And I had, like, my whole set ready.
And this is my first time getting paid
outside of doing the Laugh Factory.
And they were paying me
$50 for 15 minutes,
-which I felt like
-Pretty good.
-Yeah.
-"This is great money, right?"
And I came out there,
and it was nothing but women,
in the audience, and--
And I had all these
boyfriend jokes, like--
Basically, a bunch of dick jokes.
And so I was gonna hit them
with all this, right?
And then--
It turns out though it was, like,
a lesbian party.
And, like
So they was like, "I got a dick for you!"
They was like
"I got something for you in the drawer.
You don't need your boyfriend."
They was heckling me,
and I felt like a piece of meat.
And it was, like,
the more they would talk, the more--
The more naked I felt,
and the more, like--
I was, like, slowly curling up.
And, like, somebody on the side was like,
"Come on. Come off the stage."
And I was like, "I'm gonna keep going."
'Cause I needed my $50,
so I was like, "I'm gonna take this L--"
And I just stood there, and I just kept
trying to talk through my jokes,
like, yelling stuff back at them,
and they were yelling things at me.
And they're like,
"You need to come to the other side."
-And I was like, "Not yet. Not yet. I'm--"
-[laughs]
Not yet?
"I'm 30 dicks away." [laughs]
Now I'm nine away.
Now I'm nine away, but
Is it--? Are you about on schedule?
-Almost on schedule.
-Yeah.
Nine away. I'm sure
they're waiting for me, like, "Hello."
[laughs] But
Like, when I was up there, I thought,
"Oh, this is never gonna happen again.
I quit. Like, I'm never doing this
to myself again.
I don't know why I even did this."
And I came off the stage,
and the promoter was like,
"Hey, maybe next time it'll be better"
and handed me my $50.
I was like,
"Oh, I'm back on this tomorrow!
I still got paid!
I'm gonna keep doing this."
-So
-Well, the thing about it--
And I bombed more than I didn't.
And I liked getting heckled
because I had no material.
So if a guy's heckling me
or a woman's heckling me,
I'll be happy to talk to them
-just to kill time.
-Right.
Yeah. So that was not
a problem for me, and--
And when I bombed, it was
-It was bad.
-atomic, yeah. But--
-There was no cell phones then, though.
-That's right.
There was no cell phones to record
and then put it on the front--
Like, jeez, I never experienced
anything like Miami--
But let me tell you something
that you need to know.
You probably do know this.
First of all, it's bullshit.
It's bullshit.
That's the first thing you need to know.
Secondly, never take a gig
on New Year's Eve.
[laughs] Yeah. Lesson learned!
-Yeah.
-Lesson learned.
Well, New Year's Eve,
they start drinking at noon.
-Yeah.
-And you come out,
and they think, "Well, I guess
she's gonna buy us all a car."
That's what they're thinking.
-Yeah, don't do that again.
-Yeah, I won't.
Yeah. And I can't stress this enough.
I know the circumstances of your life.
I know you learned lessons
in that experience,
and I know the culture and family
and nurturing or lack of it
can be formative.
But you're your own person.
And the power of you
is overwhelming and delightful.
Thank you.
Dave, how many movies have you been in?
[laughing] How many movies have I been in?
I've been in one.
What movie was that?
Cabin Boy.
Now, when you was in that movie,
did you have, like,
any special requirements?
Like, anything on your riders
that's like,
"I have to have this,
I have to have that"?
I had three lines,
I was done in a half an hour
[Haddish laughs]
-and back home.
-So do--?
Do you have--?
You have a rider though, right?
Like a thing that says like, "I want this
in my dressing room. I need this"?
-Look at me. Really?
-[audience laughs]
-No, I have--
-Maybe a comb?
[laughing]
Ouch!
-No, I don't-- I'm not--
-No rider?
-No. You?
-Yeah.
I'll just like, you know,
some alkaline water,
and I require that anyone
who's above me on the call sheet
massage my bunion on my left foot.
[audience laughs]
Wow, that's--
-That's a bunion, right?
-That's a beauty.
And do people actually do that?
Yeah, I got a lot of pictures of it.
I'm trying to do a coffee table book
of people--
Yeah, there you go.
[audience cheers and applauds]
Get the damn thing off.
'Cause, you know,
I got bad gout. I got gout.
[laughs]
No, I don't have gout.
My bunion. Just on the bunion,
right there. Yeah, just right there.
-Is it painful?
-Yeah, it gets painful.
-What causes that?
-Tight shoes.
You know, when you poor,
you can't afford to get, like, good shoes.
The other foot got just, like,
a baby bunion on it.
You see them corns right there?
This is tight shoes.
-No, I would--
-You know, a little farm.
I wouldn't wear tight shoes.
Yeah, well, you know,
you're not a pretty girl
that got to wear high heels and stuff.
We got to wear heels
and all that, and then--
Like, you standing on your tippy-toes
for hours and then all your weight.
You know, I'm gaining weight,
so then it's, like, more wei--
'Cause I'm eating good now.
I'm eating good,
so then it's like more weight
on that bunion.
You should squeeze a little bit harder.
[audience laughs]
That's what she said.
[laughs]
You want to take a picture of this?
-Yeah. You're a good friend.
-You know what? Now--
And I think about things
from this perspective.
But now
I can die a happy man.
[audience laughs, applauds]
-Good luck with your bunions.
-Thank you.
Tiffany Haddish, ladies and gentlemen.
[cheering]
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
[theme song playing]