My Wife and Kids (2001) s01e04 Episode Script
Of Breasts and Basketball
ALL RIGHT, NOW COME DOWN HERE.
FAKE, THIS SIDE.
FAKE, THAT SIDE.
OKAY, SCHOOL'S IN SESSION.
LET'S GET YOU READY FOR YOUR BIG GAME.
READY? I'VE BEEN READY.
I WAS BORN READY.
WATCH THIS.
WHAT'S ALL THAT JAZZ? THAT'S TOO MUCH ENERGY YOU'RE EXPENDING.
ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS DRIBBLE TWICE AND THEN SHOOT.
SET SHOT.
SEE THAT? THAT WORKS.
DAD, THAT'S OLD SCHOOL.
TWO DRIBBLES AND A SHOT DOESN' GET YOU ON "SPORTS CENTER.
" NO, BUT IT MAKES I ON THE SCOREBOARD.
COME ON, LET'S PLAY A GAME.
YOU REALLY WANNA PLAY ME IN THAT OUTFIT? WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT? DAD, LOOK AT YOUR SHIRT.
I COULD SEE YOUR HEART BEATING.
WHERE'D YOU GE THE SHORTS FROM--KADY? HA HA HA.
I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT BUCKWHEAT JACKSON WORE A PAIR OF SHORTS JUST LIKE THIS.
WHO'S BUCKWHEAT JACKSON? HA, YOU DON'T REMEMBER.
THAT'S OLD SCHOOL.
BACK IN '75, HE PERFECTED THE "OTAY" SHOT.
SEE, HE WOULD SHOO THE BALLFFOOM.
AND THEN THE CROWD, INSTEAD OF DOING THE WAVE, THEY'D ALL GO LIKE THAT.
OTAY.
DAD, YOU DON'T WAN NONE OF THIS.
SO WHY DON'T YOU TAKE YOUR SAGGY BUTT CHEEKS, SIT DOWN AND WATCH ME GO TO WORK? JUST PLAY.
COME ON, JUST PLAY A GAME.
IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT, OTAY.
LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT, BUCKWHEAT.
WHAT YOU DOING? OTAY! THAT'S ONE FOR ME, ZERO FOR YOU.
YOU MIGHT WANNA CHECK YOUR PANTIES 'CAUSE I'M ABOU TO TAKE YOU TO THE RACK.
COME ON, JUST STOP THE TRASH-TALKIN', AND LET'S GO PLAY THIS GAME.
WHOO HOO HOO! THAT'S 2 FOR JUNIOR, ZERO FOR HUGGY BOY.
YOU SURE YOU WANNA DO THIS? JUST PLAY THE GAME.
I'M TELLIN' YOU, JUST PLAY THE GAME.
YOU AIN'T GONNA GET BY--HEY! THAT'S CHEATIN'.
GET THE BALL, OLD MAN.
THAT'S CHEATIN'.
COME ON.
OH, YEAH.
MOM, CAN YOU HELP ME? WHAT'S UP? WELL, I AM GOING TO TRINITY'S PARTY TOMORROW, AND I NEED SOME UNDERWEAR, LIKE SOME PANTIES AND SOME BRAS.
OKAY, I'LL TAKE YOU TO THE MALL TOMORROW.
GREAT.
HEY, MOM, WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG, DID YOU EVER NOTICE THAT THE GUYS WOULD ALWAYS DANCE WITH THE GIRLS WHO HAD THE BIGGEST BREASTS? YEAH, FOR A WHILE, BUT I FOUND A SOLUTION.
AND WHAT'S THAT? DANCE WITH YOUR GIRLFRIENDS.
UGH, MOM, THAT IS SO GROSS.
GIRLS DO NOT DANCE WITH GIRLS.
I DANCE WITH MY GIRLFRIENDS.
THAT'S BECAUSE YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE OLD AND GROSS.
WHAT IS ALL THIS TALK ABOUT BODY PARTS? ARE YOU WORRIED ABOU SOMETHING SPECIFIC? NO, I JUST DON'T WANNA HAVE SMALL BREASTS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE LIKE SOME FREAK.
[SCOFFS.]
SORRY, MOM.
WHOO HOO HOO! GUESS WHAT.
I JUST BEAT DAD.
OH, I GOTTA TELL EVERYBODY I KNOW.
YOU BEAT HIM? I BEAT HIM LIKE A DRUM, MA.
OH, WELL, CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU KNOW, YOUR FATHER USED TO BE THE BOMB BACK IN THE DAY.
YEAH, HE LET ME IN ON ALL THAT.
AND BUCKWHEA AND ALFALFA AND SPANKY.
HE EVEN TOLD ME ABOUT SHOWTIME.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S JUNIOR TIME NOW.
[CHANTING.]
JUNIOR.
JUNIOR.
WHERE ARE MY CHEERLEADERS? OH, SORRY.
All, chanting: JUNIOR! JUNIOR! JUNIOR! JUNIOR! JUNIOR! JUN-- MICHAEL! MICHAEL! MI--MICHAEL.
WHOO! WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL? IT WAS JUST ONE GAME, AND THAT WAS LUCK.
DON'T FEEL BAD.
I DON'T FEEL BAD OVER NO STUPID GAME.
IT'S HIS ATTITUDE I DON'T LIKE.
HE'S ACTING LIKE A LITTLE THUG OUT THERE, SHOWBOATIN' AND TRASH-TALKIN'.
I'M TRYING TO THE TEACH THE BOY THE FUNDAMENTALS OF THE GAME, AND ALL HE CAN DO IS MAKE JOKES ABOUT MY SHORTS.
UM, BABY, THEY ARE A LITTLE TIGHT.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT? THEY ARE.
THEY'RE A LITTLE-- I THINK HE GAVE YOU A WEDGIE, SWEETIE.
YOU KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM IS? IT'S THAT WHOLE HIP-HOP MENTALITY.
YOU KNOW? THEY THINK THEY KNOW IT ALL.
YOU CAN'T TELL 'EM NOTHIN'.
THAT'S WHY THERE'S NO HEROES LEFT IN THE GAME.
THERE'S NOBODY IN THE NBA WHO YOU WANNA SEE ON A BOX OF CEREAL.
ALLEN IVERSON--GOOD PLAYER, BUT YOU GOT CORNROWS IN YOUR CORNFLAKES.
LATRELL SPREWELL, HE ON THE BOX CHOKIN' HIS COACH.
PATRICK EWING.
WHAT ABOUT PATRICK EWING? OH, YEAH.
WHAT? TRY EATIN' YOUR WHEATIES LOOKIN' AT THIS.
YOU SAW THE MILK AD.
HE GOT MILK, AND I GOT SICK WATCHIN' HIM GET MILK.
YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY GOT TO ME IS JUNIOR TRYING TO INSINUATE THAT I LOST A STEP, LIKE I'M GETTIN' OLD.
I'M JUST AS QUICK AS I WAS IN COLLEGE.
MICHAEL, I THINK IT'S TIME THAT YOU ACKNOWLEDGED THAT A FEW THINGS HAVE CHANGED SINCE COLLEGE, BABY.
HEY, DAD, ARE YOU OTAY? HA HA HA HA.
ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH OF THAT.
ALL RIGHT.
[MUTTERS.]
CHUMP TEACHER.
YOU KNOW WHAT? OUT ON THE COURT, YOU CAN TALK TRASH, BUT IN THIS HOUSE, YOU TAKE OUT TRASH.
THAT'S WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO, AND THEN GO CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
WHAT? YOU HEARD ME, AND YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU GONNA QUESTION MY AUTHORITY, WASH ALL THE WINDOWS AROUND THE HOUSE.
YEAH, WELL, I STILL BEAT YOU, OLD MAN.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I WANT YOU TO CUT THE GRASS WITH SCISSORS, ONE BLADE AT A TIME.
WHAT DO YOU WAN FOR BREAKFAST? AN ADVIL OMELE WITH A SIDE OF BENGAY.
I'M SO SORE.
I CAN'T EVEN LIF MY ARMS UP.
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU SPEN ALL YESTERDAY PLAYING BASKETBALL WITH JUNIOR.
BUT I USED TO PLAY ALL THE TIME, NEVER GOT SORE.
I WAS A GYM RAT.
WHAT HAPPENED? BABY, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO FACE THE FACTS THAT YOU'RE GETTING A LITTLE OLDER.
LIFE IS DIFFERENT NOW.
I'M NOT GETTING OLDER.
ALL I NEED TO DO IS SOME CONDITIONING, GET BACK IN SHAPE, STAY AWAY FROM YOU.
ME? WHAT DID I DO? YOU KEEP ME IN THE BED AND ROB ME OF MY NATURAL MANLY NITROGLYCERIN.
[LAUGHS.]
YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK? I THINK YOU ARE COMPETING WITH YOUR SON, THAT'S WHAT I THINK.
NO, NO, NO.
IT HAS NOTHIN' TO DO WITH COMPETITION.
IT'S ABOUT RESPECT, SEE? 'CAUSE THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE LION IN THE LAIR, ONE KING OF THE CASTLE, ONE LEADER CO-LEADER IN THIS HOUSEHOLD.
YEAH, WELL, I STILL SAY YOU'RE A SORE LOSER.
YEAH? WELL, NO NITRO FOR YOU TONIGHT.
FINISH YOUR ROOM? YES, SIR! FINISH WASHIN' ALL THE WINDOWS AROUND THE HOUSE? YES, SIR! IS HE MESSIN' WITH ME? YES, SIR! OKAY, SO NOW I WANT YOU TO, UM, VACUUM UP THAT WOOD OUT THERE.
YOU KNOW WHAT, DAD? I'M DONE.
NO, YOU'RE DONE WHEN I SAY YOU'RE DONE.
NO.
YOU'RE PUNISHING ME FOR BEATING YOU, AND IT'S NOT RIGHT.
I'M NOT GONNA DO IT.
OH, REALLY? AND WHERE YOU GONNA BE STAYIN' WHILE YOU'RE NOT DOIN' IT? WHAT'S THE NEW ADDRESS? YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE.
OH, YOU A MAN NOW? YOU GOT 3 HAIRS IN YOUR DRAWERS, AND YOU THINK YOU TOUGH? I'M MAN ENOUGH TO BEAT YOU ONE-ON-ONE.
YOU BETTER BE TALKIN' ABOUT BASKETBALL.
MAYBE I AM, MAYBE I'M NOT.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU PICK WHICH DIRECTION YOU WANNA FALL, 'CAUSE I'M ABOUT TO KNOCK YOU ON YOUR LITTLE BEHIND.
WHOA! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! THERE WILL BE NO FIGHTING IN THIS HOUSE.
THAT'S NOT HOW WE SETTLE ARGUMENTS AROUND HERE.
NOW, Y'ALL WANNA WORK THIS OUT, WORK IT OUT ON THE COURT, 'CAUSE THAT'S WHERE IT STARTED, THAT'S WHERE IT'S GONNA END.
FINE.
WE'LL LE THE COURTS DECIDE.
I DON'T CARE WHAT COURT-- BASKETBALL COURT, TENNIS COURT, SUPREME COURT? NEVER MIND.
WE WANT A DECISION.
WHATEVER YOU WANNA DO.
NO, LET'S MAKE I INTERESTING.
LET'S PLAY FOR SOMETHING THIS TIME.
YOU NAME IT.
ALL RIGHT, WE'LL PLAY FOR MY CHORES.
IF I WIN, YOU DO THEM.
IF YOU WIN, I DO THEM, AND I DON'T COMPLAIN FOR ONE YEAR.
HA.
GONNA BE REAL QUIE AROUND THIS HOUSE.
IT'S ON.
WELL, I'LL MEET YOU OUT THERE, OLD MAN.
SEE, THAT "OLD MAN" THING AIN'T WORKIN' FOR ME.
[TAPPING ON WINDOW.]
CALL YOUR FATHER.
DAD.
DAD, MOM WANTS YOU.
MICHAEL, I NEED YOU.
[TURNS OFF MOTOR.]
OH, DAD.
HUH? MISSED A SPOT.
WHERE? GOT IT.
DID HE REALLY BEAT YOU 15-ZIP? NO.
IT WAS 15 TO 2 1/2.
THE BALL WENT IN AND CAME OUT 5 TIMES.
THAT'S A HALF-POINT.
LOOK, THAT IS NO WHY I CALLED YOU.
I FORGOT THAT I HAVE TO TAKE KADY TO TUMBLE TOTS TODAY.
SHE'S LEARNING HOW TO ROLL BACKWARDS, AND I DIDN'T WANNA MISS IT.
AW.
ROLLING BACKWARDS IS A VERY IMPORTANT MOMENT.
YOU KNOW WHAT? WHEN YOU'RE ROLLIN' BACKWARDS, DO ME A FAVOR.
DON'T EMBARRASS YOUR MOMMY BY TRYIN' TO SNIFF YOUR OWN BUTT, OKAY? [GIGGLES.]
THE REASON WHY I CALLED YOU IS BECAUSE I ALSO FORGO THAT I WAS GONNA TAKE CLAIRE TO THE MALL.
SHE HAS SOME SHOPPING TO DO.
WELL, I'LL TAKE HER.
NO, MOTHER.
PLEASE, NO, NOT HIM.
CAN WE PLEASE FIND SOMEBODY ELSE? HE ALWAYS EMBARRASSES ME.
HONEY, THERE IS NOBODY ELSE.
MICHAEL, SHE HAS TO SHOP FOR SOME BRAS.
FOR WHAT? [SCOFFS.]
OH, THE MOSQUITO BITES.
MOTHER.
PUTTIN' 'EM IN SOME THIMBLES OR SOMETHING? MICHAEL! WILL YOU BE A LITTLE SENSITIVE HERE? CLAIRE, IT'S GONNA BE FINE.
KADY, BABY, LET'S GO.
DADDY.
HMM? BUY ME A BRA, TOO.
OKAY, I'LL SEE IF THEY SELL DENTAL FLOSS AND SOME PISTACHIO NUT SHELLS.
OKAY.
BYE.
BYE, DADDY.
I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
WHAT'S THE MATTER? IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.
IT'S GONNA BE FUN.
[LAUGHS.]
DADDY.
WHAT? THE SPORTS BARN IS RIGHT OVER THERE.
BYE.
WHO NEEDS THE SPORT BARN WHEN THEY GO ALL THIS EQUIPMENT? LOOK AT THIS.
THEY GOT SLINGSHOTS.
[IMITATES SHOOTING NOISE.]
HA HA.
HEY, HOW ABOUT A HEADBAND? SERVE.
DADDY! EYE PATCH.
DADDY, PLEASE! DADDY, PLEASE.
SHIVER ME TIMBERS.
DAD, PLEASE.
DANG.
REMIND ME TO BUY YOU A SENSE OF HUMOR WHEN WE LEAVE, ALL RIGHT? UH-HUH.
[CHATTER.]
OH, LOOK AT CLAIRE.
OH, CLAIRE.
HEY, CLAIRE.
HEY, YOU GUYS, WHAT'S UP? HI.
OH, MY GOSH.
MWAH.
MWAH.
THIS IS SO WEIRD.
I JUST SAW YOU AT SCHOOL TODAY.
IT'S LIKE DEJA VU.
[LAUGHS.]
AND IT'S LIKE IT ALREADY HAPPENED.
I KNOW.
IT'S WEIRD.
TOTALLY WEIRD.
[ALL LAUGH.]
SO, UM, WHO ARE YOU GUYS HERE WITH? WE CAME TOGETHER.
WHO ARE YOU WITH? GIRL, I AM BY MYSELF.
AND THE COLOR OF SNOW IS WHITE.
WHITE.
[TIMER BUZZES.]
WHO'S DOIN' LAUNDRY? OH, DAD'S WASHIN' MY GYM CLOTHES.
REALLY? IN THAT CASE, CAN YOU GET HIM TO HAND-WASH MY NYLONS? HEY, BENSON! [JAY LAUGHS.]
I GOT A STACK OF NYLONS FOR YOU NEXT.
YES, SIR, MR.
JUNIOR, SIR.
CLAIRE, WE WANNA SEE YOU RIGHT NOW! YEAH, ALL THREE OF YOU.
OKAY.
SO, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? I SEE TWO BIG PROBLEMS.
WHAT IS GOIN' ON UNDERNEATH THE SHIRT? OH, MOM, IT'S CALLED A BOSOM BUDDY.
DAD SAID I COULD JUST KNOCK MYSELF OUT.
I SAID KNOCK YOURSELF OUT, NOT INSTALL AIR BAGS.
[CAR HORN HONKS.]
OH, THAT IS TIFFANY'S MOM.
I GOTTA GO.
I THOUGH THEY WERE HONKIN'.
HEY, HEY, HEY.
YOU CAN GO, BUT THE WONDER TWINS ARE STAYIN' RIGHT HERE.
MOM? UH-UH, DON'T "MOM" ME.
I AGREE WITH YOUR FATHER.
CLAIRE, THAT IS WAY TOO MUCH.
FINE.
HEY, TIFFANY! I CAN'T GO! HAPPY NOW? I WANT YOU TO PUT YOUR BREASTS ON MY DRESSER.
KADY, CLEAN UP YOUR TOYS.
OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
BELVEDERE WILL DO IT.
KADY, UPSTAIRS.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'VE TAKEN ENOUGH FROM YOU ALREADY.
HEY, I BEAT YOU FAIR AND SQUARE.
I'M LIVIN' UP TO MY END OF THE DEAL.
YOU LIVE UP TO YOURS.
I WANNA PROPOSE A NEW DEAL.
I TELL YOU WHAT.
WE PLAY ONE MORE GAME, AND IF YOU WIN, I'LL INCREASE YOUR ALLOWANCE, I'LL EXTEND YOUR CURFEW FOR ONE HOUR, AND I'LL EVEN CLEAN UP YOUR ROOM FOR A WHOLE YEAR.
WHOA.
ALL RIGHT.
BUT IF YOU LOSE-- HEY.
WHATEVER IT IS, I'LL DO I BECAUSE I'M NO GONNA LOSE TO YOU.
LET'S GO.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
I WANT SOME PRACTICE TIME.
I'M GONNA GO OUT THERE AND WORK ON MY GAME, GET BACK IN SHAPE.
YOU JUST GIVE ME TWO DAYS.
I'LL GIVE YOU THREE.
IN THE MEANTIME, I'M GONNA RELAX AND VISUALIZE HOW I'M GONNA SPEND ALL THAT EXTRA MONEY.
NO, NO.
NO.
NO.
HMPH.
WOW.
YOU KNOW, IF YOU HOLD THESE UP TO YOUR EAR, YOU CAN HEAR THE ENTIRE CAS OF "BAYWATCH.
" WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? WHAT ARE YOU THINKIN', BUYIN' THIS THING? ALL I KNOW IS IF YOU WANNA BE POPULAR NOWADAYS, YOU JUST GOTTA HAVE SOMETHING GOIN' ON UP TOP.
YEAH, UP TOP.
DADDY, COME ON.
EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK, ALL YOU SEE ARE WOMEN WITH PERFECT BODIES.
TV, MOVIES, MAGAZINES, BILLBOARDS--EVERYWHERE.
YEAH, WELL, I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THEM.
THEY'RE JUST SELLIN' PRODUCTS TO INSECURE PEOPLE.
SO THE SOONER YOU GET COMFORTABLE LIVIN' IN YOUR OWN SKIN, THE HAPPIER YOU'RE GONNA BE, AND THE HAPPIER YOU ARE, THE HAPPIER I'M GONNA BE.
YOU KNOW IT BROKE MY HEAR WHEN YOU DISSED ME IN FRONT OF YOUR FRIENDS TODAY? DADDYIT'S NOT LIKE I DON'T WANNA BE WITH YOU.
I DO, JUST NOT ALL THE TIME.
LIKE BRA SHOPPING.
DADDY, I'M GROWING UP.
YES, YOU ARE.
I UNDERSTAND THAT, BUT YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND THIS.
YOU'RE ALWAYS GONNA BE MY LITTLE GIRL.
WHEN YOU WERE BORN, I CAUGHT YOU.
YOU KNOW, YOU LOOKED UP AT ME AND YOU SMILED, AND I TOLD MYSELF, "THIS IS MY JOB FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
EVERY TIME THIS LITTLE GIRL'S ABOUT TO FALL, I'M GONNA CATCH HER AND MAKE HER SMILE.
" CAN I TAKE YOU SHOPPIN' FOR PANTIES? UHH, DADDY.
I'M KIDDING.
13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 1, 2 HEY, WHAT IS THAT? I CAN ONLY COUNT TO 17.
OKAY, WELL, WE'RE DONE.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING? HELPING DADDY GET SOME MUSCLES.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I WANT YOU TO GO PUT YOUR WINTER COAT ON.
I'M GONNA USE YOU AS A HEAVY BAG NEXT.
[GIGGLES.]
HA! HOO.
HA! WHO'S OLD? WHO'S OLD? OLD MAN THIS.
YEAH.
HAH.
HA.
I GOT YOUR OLD.
WHOO.
UHH.
[GRUNTS.]
WHEN ARE YOU COMIN' TO BED? IF I MAKE THIS SHOT, I'M COMIN' TO BED.
WATCH THIS, BABY.
WITH THE EYES CLOSED, LIKE JORDAN.
DID I MAKE IT? ALL RIGHT.
I'LL BE IN BED IN AN HOUR, ABOUT AN HOUR.
JUST GONNA BE HERE CROSSOVER.
[GRUNTS.]
[GRUNTS.]
GOT HIM.
HOW MANY IS THAT, JUNIOR, HUH? YOU HAVE 14.
YES, AND HOW MANY YOU GOT, JUNIOR? AND HOW MANY I NEED TO WIN? ONE MORE POINT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
NOT ONLY IS THIS A BASKETBALL CLINIC, BUT IT'S A MATH LESSON.
NOW, IN THE WORDS OF MAGIC JOHNSON [IMITATING JOHNSON.]
I'M 'BOUT TO TAKE YOU DOWNTOWN.
WHAT I'M-A DO IS SHOW YOU THE TURNAROUND SKYHOOK THAT KAREEM ABADOOBADOO-BADABBAR HAVE PERFEH FUH PERFEH WELL, HE MADE IT FAMOUS BACK IN 1994.
THE TRICK TO THIS SHOT, SON, IS YOU WANNA RIDE YOUR OPPONEN DOWN TO THE GROUND LIKE THIS WITH YOUR BUTT MUSCLES, THEN WHAT YOU WANNA DO IS YOU WANNA FAKE RIGHT, AND THEN YOU WANNA GO LEFT, AND BAM! SWISS.
SWISS.
THAT'S SHOWTIME.
IT'S MAGIC.
COME ON, LET'S PLAY.
ONE MORE GAME.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
NO, THAT'S IT.
I'M GONNA TAKE THIS VICTORY.
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, YOU COME BACK HERE.
WHAT'S THAT? DON'T BE A SORE LOSER.
THIS IS YOUR FAULT.
YOU DIDN'T TAKE ME SERIOUS.
I WORKED HARD.
THIS IS A GAME OF FUNDAMENTALS, NOT FLASH.
YOU LOOK AT ALL THE GREAT ONES.
MICHAEL JORDAN-- FIRST ONE IN THE GYM, LAST ONE TO LEAVE THE GYM.
LARRY BIRD USED TO SHOO A HUNDRED 3-POINTERS IN ONE NIGH JUST TO GET READY.
WHAT ABOUT SHAQ? HE CAN' EVEN MAKE A FREE THROW.
WELL, WHEN YOU'RE TALL ENOUGH TO DUNK WITHOUT JUMPIN', YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE FREE THROWS, EITHER.
BUT YOU GOTTA RESPEC THE GAME, SON.
YOU'RE A GOOD PLAYER, AND YOU HAVE POTENTIAL TO BE A GREAT PLAYER, BUT THAT'S UP TO YOU.
ALL RIGHT, I LOST THE BE FAIR AND SQUARE.
WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO? [CHUCKLES.]
WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO DO, HUH? HA HA.
IT'S GONNA BE OTAY.
HEY, JUNIOR, COME ON, HURRY UP.
YOU'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR YOUR GAME! THERE HE IS.
LOOK AT THE SUPERSTAR.
[CHUCKLES.]
BOY, YOU'VE GO YOUR MOTHER'S LEGS.
DO I REALLY HAVE TO WEAR THIS? YES.
THAT WAS THE DEAL.
A DEAL'S A DEAL.
BUT HALF MY BUTT'S HANGIN' OUT.
I KNOW.
[IMITATES JOHNSON.]
THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT SHOWTIME.
HEY, BABY, YOU SEE OUR SON OUT THERE IN THOSE TIGHT LITTLE SHORTS? HE SCORED A TRIPLE DOUBLE.
HE HAD 22 POINTS, 11 ASSISTS, AND 10 NUMBERS FROM SOME GUYS IN THE GLEE CLUB.
SO HOW DO YOU FEEL? I DON'T KNOW, BABY.
I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M GETTIN' OLDER.
AND YOU KNOW IT'S FUNNY, BECAUSE IN MY MIND, I FEEL LIKE I'M MICHAEL JORDAN, AND I COULD FLOAT ABOVE THE RIM.
BUT WHEN I TRY TO DO IT, I'M MICHAEL BOLTON, AND I CAN'T EVEN GE OFF THE GROUND.
I LET MY EGO GET IN THE WAY.
I FEEL STUPID.
YOU KNOW, I'M TRYIN' TO COMPETE AGAINST MY OWN SON.
THAT'S JUST NOT A FIGH I'M GONNA WIN.
TIME IS ON HIS SIDE.
HEY, MICHAEL, DO YOU HAVE ANY ENERGY LEFT? FOR WHAT? WHOA.
[GIGGLES.]
ANNA NICOLE JAY, HELLO.
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY NEW LOOK? WELL, THE TRUTH IS I LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.
OH, BABY, YOU WANT ME TO TAKE THESE OFF? MM-HMM, SOON AS WE'RE FINISHED.
[LAUGHS.]
TRY AND GET BY ME.
AAH! THAT WAS UNCALLED FOR!
FAKE, THIS SIDE.
FAKE, THAT SIDE.
OKAY, SCHOOL'S IN SESSION.
LET'S GET YOU READY FOR YOUR BIG GAME.
READY? I'VE BEEN READY.
I WAS BORN READY.
WATCH THIS.
WHAT'S ALL THAT JAZZ? THAT'S TOO MUCH ENERGY YOU'RE EXPENDING.
ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS DRIBBLE TWICE AND THEN SHOOT.
SET SHOT.
SEE THAT? THAT WORKS.
DAD, THAT'S OLD SCHOOL.
TWO DRIBBLES AND A SHOT DOESN' GET YOU ON "SPORTS CENTER.
" NO, BUT IT MAKES I ON THE SCOREBOARD.
COME ON, LET'S PLAY A GAME.
YOU REALLY WANNA PLAY ME IN THAT OUTFIT? WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT? DAD, LOOK AT YOUR SHIRT.
I COULD SEE YOUR HEART BEATING.
WHERE'D YOU GE THE SHORTS FROM--KADY? HA HA HA.
I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT BUCKWHEAT JACKSON WORE A PAIR OF SHORTS JUST LIKE THIS.
WHO'S BUCKWHEAT JACKSON? HA, YOU DON'T REMEMBER.
THAT'S OLD SCHOOL.
BACK IN '75, HE PERFECTED THE "OTAY" SHOT.
SEE, HE WOULD SHOO THE BALLFFOOM.
AND THEN THE CROWD, INSTEAD OF DOING THE WAVE, THEY'D ALL GO LIKE THAT.
OTAY.
DAD, YOU DON'T WAN NONE OF THIS.
SO WHY DON'T YOU TAKE YOUR SAGGY BUTT CHEEKS, SIT DOWN AND WATCH ME GO TO WORK? JUST PLAY.
COME ON, JUST PLAY A GAME.
IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT, OTAY.
LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT, BUCKWHEAT.
WHAT YOU DOING? OTAY! THAT'S ONE FOR ME, ZERO FOR YOU.
YOU MIGHT WANNA CHECK YOUR PANTIES 'CAUSE I'M ABOU TO TAKE YOU TO THE RACK.
COME ON, JUST STOP THE TRASH-TALKIN', AND LET'S GO PLAY THIS GAME.
WHOO HOO HOO! THAT'S 2 FOR JUNIOR, ZERO FOR HUGGY BOY.
YOU SURE YOU WANNA DO THIS? JUST PLAY THE GAME.
I'M TELLIN' YOU, JUST PLAY THE GAME.
YOU AIN'T GONNA GET BY--HEY! THAT'S CHEATIN'.
GET THE BALL, OLD MAN.
THAT'S CHEATIN'.
COME ON.
OH, YEAH.
MOM, CAN YOU HELP ME? WHAT'S UP? WELL, I AM GOING TO TRINITY'S PARTY TOMORROW, AND I NEED SOME UNDERWEAR, LIKE SOME PANTIES AND SOME BRAS.
OKAY, I'LL TAKE YOU TO THE MALL TOMORROW.
GREAT.
HEY, MOM, WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG, DID YOU EVER NOTICE THAT THE GUYS WOULD ALWAYS DANCE WITH THE GIRLS WHO HAD THE BIGGEST BREASTS? YEAH, FOR A WHILE, BUT I FOUND A SOLUTION.
AND WHAT'S THAT? DANCE WITH YOUR GIRLFRIENDS.
UGH, MOM, THAT IS SO GROSS.
GIRLS DO NOT DANCE WITH GIRLS.
I DANCE WITH MY GIRLFRIENDS.
THAT'S BECAUSE YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE OLD AND GROSS.
WHAT IS ALL THIS TALK ABOUT BODY PARTS? ARE YOU WORRIED ABOU SOMETHING SPECIFIC? NO, I JUST DON'T WANNA HAVE SMALL BREASTS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE LIKE SOME FREAK.
[SCOFFS.]
SORRY, MOM.
WHOO HOO HOO! GUESS WHAT.
I JUST BEAT DAD.
OH, I GOTTA TELL EVERYBODY I KNOW.
YOU BEAT HIM? I BEAT HIM LIKE A DRUM, MA.
OH, WELL, CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU KNOW, YOUR FATHER USED TO BE THE BOMB BACK IN THE DAY.
YEAH, HE LET ME IN ON ALL THAT.
AND BUCKWHEA AND ALFALFA AND SPANKY.
HE EVEN TOLD ME ABOUT SHOWTIME.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S JUNIOR TIME NOW.
[CHANTING.]
JUNIOR.
JUNIOR.
WHERE ARE MY CHEERLEADERS? OH, SORRY.
All, chanting: JUNIOR! JUNIOR! JUNIOR! JUNIOR! JUNIOR! JUN-- MICHAEL! MICHAEL! MI--MICHAEL.
WHOO! WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL? IT WAS JUST ONE GAME, AND THAT WAS LUCK.
DON'T FEEL BAD.
I DON'T FEEL BAD OVER NO STUPID GAME.
IT'S HIS ATTITUDE I DON'T LIKE.
HE'S ACTING LIKE A LITTLE THUG OUT THERE, SHOWBOATIN' AND TRASH-TALKIN'.
I'M TRYING TO THE TEACH THE BOY THE FUNDAMENTALS OF THE GAME, AND ALL HE CAN DO IS MAKE JOKES ABOUT MY SHORTS.
UM, BABY, THEY ARE A LITTLE TIGHT.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT? THEY ARE.
THEY'RE A LITTLE-- I THINK HE GAVE YOU A WEDGIE, SWEETIE.
YOU KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM IS? IT'S THAT WHOLE HIP-HOP MENTALITY.
YOU KNOW? THEY THINK THEY KNOW IT ALL.
YOU CAN'T TELL 'EM NOTHIN'.
THAT'S WHY THERE'S NO HEROES LEFT IN THE GAME.
THERE'S NOBODY IN THE NBA WHO YOU WANNA SEE ON A BOX OF CEREAL.
ALLEN IVERSON--GOOD PLAYER, BUT YOU GOT CORNROWS IN YOUR CORNFLAKES.
LATRELL SPREWELL, HE ON THE BOX CHOKIN' HIS COACH.
PATRICK EWING.
WHAT ABOUT PATRICK EWING? OH, YEAH.
WHAT? TRY EATIN' YOUR WHEATIES LOOKIN' AT THIS.
YOU SAW THE MILK AD.
HE GOT MILK, AND I GOT SICK WATCHIN' HIM GET MILK.
YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY GOT TO ME IS JUNIOR TRYING TO INSINUATE THAT I LOST A STEP, LIKE I'M GETTIN' OLD.
I'M JUST AS QUICK AS I WAS IN COLLEGE.
MICHAEL, I THINK IT'S TIME THAT YOU ACKNOWLEDGED THAT A FEW THINGS HAVE CHANGED SINCE COLLEGE, BABY.
HEY, DAD, ARE YOU OTAY? HA HA HA HA.
ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH OF THAT.
ALL RIGHT.
[MUTTERS.]
CHUMP TEACHER.
YOU KNOW WHAT? OUT ON THE COURT, YOU CAN TALK TRASH, BUT IN THIS HOUSE, YOU TAKE OUT TRASH.
THAT'S WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO, AND THEN GO CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
WHAT? YOU HEARD ME, AND YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU GONNA QUESTION MY AUTHORITY, WASH ALL THE WINDOWS AROUND THE HOUSE.
YEAH, WELL, I STILL BEAT YOU, OLD MAN.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I WANT YOU TO CUT THE GRASS WITH SCISSORS, ONE BLADE AT A TIME.
WHAT DO YOU WAN FOR BREAKFAST? AN ADVIL OMELE WITH A SIDE OF BENGAY.
I'M SO SORE.
I CAN'T EVEN LIF MY ARMS UP.
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU SPEN ALL YESTERDAY PLAYING BASKETBALL WITH JUNIOR.
BUT I USED TO PLAY ALL THE TIME, NEVER GOT SORE.
I WAS A GYM RAT.
WHAT HAPPENED? BABY, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO FACE THE FACTS THAT YOU'RE GETTING A LITTLE OLDER.
LIFE IS DIFFERENT NOW.
I'M NOT GETTING OLDER.
ALL I NEED TO DO IS SOME CONDITIONING, GET BACK IN SHAPE, STAY AWAY FROM YOU.
ME? WHAT DID I DO? YOU KEEP ME IN THE BED AND ROB ME OF MY NATURAL MANLY NITROGLYCERIN.
[LAUGHS.]
YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK? I THINK YOU ARE COMPETING WITH YOUR SON, THAT'S WHAT I THINK.
NO, NO, NO.
IT HAS NOTHIN' TO DO WITH COMPETITION.
IT'S ABOUT RESPECT, SEE? 'CAUSE THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE LION IN THE LAIR, ONE KING OF THE CASTLE, ONE LEADER CO-LEADER IN THIS HOUSEHOLD.
YEAH, WELL, I STILL SAY YOU'RE A SORE LOSER.
YEAH? WELL, NO NITRO FOR YOU TONIGHT.
FINISH YOUR ROOM? YES, SIR! FINISH WASHIN' ALL THE WINDOWS AROUND THE HOUSE? YES, SIR! IS HE MESSIN' WITH ME? YES, SIR! OKAY, SO NOW I WANT YOU TO, UM, VACUUM UP THAT WOOD OUT THERE.
YOU KNOW WHAT, DAD? I'M DONE.
NO, YOU'RE DONE WHEN I SAY YOU'RE DONE.
NO.
YOU'RE PUNISHING ME FOR BEATING YOU, AND IT'S NOT RIGHT.
I'M NOT GONNA DO IT.
OH, REALLY? AND WHERE YOU GONNA BE STAYIN' WHILE YOU'RE NOT DOIN' IT? WHAT'S THE NEW ADDRESS? YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE.
OH, YOU A MAN NOW? YOU GOT 3 HAIRS IN YOUR DRAWERS, AND YOU THINK YOU TOUGH? I'M MAN ENOUGH TO BEAT YOU ONE-ON-ONE.
YOU BETTER BE TALKIN' ABOUT BASKETBALL.
MAYBE I AM, MAYBE I'M NOT.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU PICK WHICH DIRECTION YOU WANNA FALL, 'CAUSE I'M ABOUT TO KNOCK YOU ON YOUR LITTLE BEHIND.
WHOA! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! THERE WILL BE NO FIGHTING IN THIS HOUSE.
THAT'S NOT HOW WE SETTLE ARGUMENTS AROUND HERE.
NOW, Y'ALL WANNA WORK THIS OUT, WORK IT OUT ON THE COURT, 'CAUSE THAT'S WHERE IT STARTED, THAT'S WHERE IT'S GONNA END.
FINE.
WE'LL LE THE COURTS DECIDE.
I DON'T CARE WHAT COURT-- BASKETBALL COURT, TENNIS COURT, SUPREME COURT? NEVER MIND.
WE WANT A DECISION.
WHATEVER YOU WANNA DO.
NO, LET'S MAKE I INTERESTING.
LET'S PLAY FOR SOMETHING THIS TIME.
YOU NAME IT.
ALL RIGHT, WE'LL PLAY FOR MY CHORES.
IF I WIN, YOU DO THEM.
IF YOU WIN, I DO THEM, AND I DON'T COMPLAIN FOR ONE YEAR.
HA.
GONNA BE REAL QUIE AROUND THIS HOUSE.
IT'S ON.
WELL, I'LL MEET YOU OUT THERE, OLD MAN.
SEE, THAT "OLD MAN" THING AIN'T WORKIN' FOR ME.
[TAPPING ON WINDOW.]
CALL YOUR FATHER.
DAD.
DAD, MOM WANTS YOU.
MICHAEL, I NEED YOU.
[TURNS OFF MOTOR.]
OH, DAD.
HUH? MISSED A SPOT.
WHERE? GOT IT.
DID HE REALLY BEAT YOU 15-ZIP? NO.
IT WAS 15 TO 2 1/2.
THE BALL WENT IN AND CAME OUT 5 TIMES.
THAT'S A HALF-POINT.
LOOK, THAT IS NO WHY I CALLED YOU.
I FORGOT THAT I HAVE TO TAKE KADY TO TUMBLE TOTS TODAY.
SHE'S LEARNING HOW TO ROLL BACKWARDS, AND I DIDN'T WANNA MISS IT.
AW.
ROLLING BACKWARDS IS A VERY IMPORTANT MOMENT.
YOU KNOW WHAT? WHEN YOU'RE ROLLIN' BACKWARDS, DO ME A FAVOR.
DON'T EMBARRASS YOUR MOMMY BY TRYIN' TO SNIFF YOUR OWN BUTT, OKAY? [GIGGLES.]
THE REASON WHY I CALLED YOU IS BECAUSE I ALSO FORGO THAT I WAS GONNA TAKE CLAIRE TO THE MALL.
SHE HAS SOME SHOPPING TO DO.
WELL, I'LL TAKE HER.
NO, MOTHER.
PLEASE, NO, NOT HIM.
CAN WE PLEASE FIND SOMEBODY ELSE? HE ALWAYS EMBARRASSES ME.
HONEY, THERE IS NOBODY ELSE.
MICHAEL, SHE HAS TO SHOP FOR SOME BRAS.
FOR WHAT? [SCOFFS.]
OH, THE MOSQUITO BITES.
MOTHER.
PUTTIN' 'EM IN SOME THIMBLES OR SOMETHING? MICHAEL! WILL YOU BE A LITTLE SENSITIVE HERE? CLAIRE, IT'S GONNA BE FINE.
KADY, BABY, LET'S GO.
DADDY.
HMM? BUY ME A BRA, TOO.
OKAY, I'LL SEE IF THEY SELL DENTAL FLOSS AND SOME PISTACHIO NUT SHELLS.
OKAY.
BYE.
BYE, DADDY.
I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
WHAT'S THE MATTER? IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.
IT'S GONNA BE FUN.
[LAUGHS.]
DADDY.
WHAT? THE SPORTS BARN IS RIGHT OVER THERE.
BYE.
WHO NEEDS THE SPORT BARN WHEN THEY GO ALL THIS EQUIPMENT? LOOK AT THIS.
THEY GOT SLINGSHOTS.
[IMITATES SHOOTING NOISE.]
HA HA.
HEY, HOW ABOUT A HEADBAND? SERVE.
DADDY! EYE PATCH.
DADDY, PLEASE! DADDY, PLEASE.
SHIVER ME TIMBERS.
DAD, PLEASE.
DANG.
REMIND ME TO BUY YOU A SENSE OF HUMOR WHEN WE LEAVE, ALL RIGHT? UH-HUH.
[CHATTER.]
OH, LOOK AT CLAIRE.
OH, CLAIRE.
HEY, CLAIRE.
HEY, YOU GUYS, WHAT'S UP? HI.
OH, MY GOSH.
MWAH.
MWAH.
THIS IS SO WEIRD.
I JUST SAW YOU AT SCHOOL TODAY.
IT'S LIKE DEJA VU.
[LAUGHS.]
AND IT'S LIKE IT ALREADY HAPPENED.
I KNOW.
IT'S WEIRD.
TOTALLY WEIRD.
[ALL LAUGH.]
SO, UM, WHO ARE YOU GUYS HERE WITH? WE CAME TOGETHER.
WHO ARE YOU WITH? GIRL, I AM BY MYSELF.
AND THE COLOR OF SNOW IS WHITE.
WHITE.
[TIMER BUZZES.]
WHO'S DOIN' LAUNDRY? OH, DAD'S WASHIN' MY GYM CLOTHES.
REALLY? IN THAT CASE, CAN YOU GET HIM TO HAND-WASH MY NYLONS? HEY, BENSON! [JAY LAUGHS.]
I GOT A STACK OF NYLONS FOR YOU NEXT.
YES, SIR, MR.
JUNIOR, SIR.
CLAIRE, WE WANNA SEE YOU RIGHT NOW! YEAH, ALL THREE OF YOU.
OKAY.
SO, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? I SEE TWO BIG PROBLEMS.
WHAT IS GOIN' ON UNDERNEATH THE SHIRT? OH, MOM, IT'S CALLED A BOSOM BUDDY.
DAD SAID I COULD JUST KNOCK MYSELF OUT.
I SAID KNOCK YOURSELF OUT, NOT INSTALL AIR BAGS.
[CAR HORN HONKS.]
OH, THAT IS TIFFANY'S MOM.
I GOTTA GO.
I THOUGH THEY WERE HONKIN'.
HEY, HEY, HEY.
YOU CAN GO, BUT THE WONDER TWINS ARE STAYIN' RIGHT HERE.
MOM? UH-UH, DON'T "MOM" ME.
I AGREE WITH YOUR FATHER.
CLAIRE, THAT IS WAY TOO MUCH.
FINE.
HEY, TIFFANY! I CAN'T GO! HAPPY NOW? I WANT YOU TO PUT YOUR BREASTS ON MY DRESSER.
KADY, CLEAN UP YOUR TOYS.
OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
BELVEDERE WILL DO IT.
KADY, UPSTAIRS.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'VE TAKEN ENOUGH FROM YOU ALREADY.
HEY, I BEAT YOU FAIR AND SQUARE.
I'M LIVIN' UP TO MY END OF THE DEAL.
YOU LIVE UP TO YOURS.
I WANNA PROPOSE A NEW DEAL.
I TELL YOU WHAT.
WE PLAY ONE MORE GAME, AND IF YOU WIN, I'LL INCREASE YOUR ALLOWANCE, I'LL EXTEND YOUR CURFEW FOR ONE HOUR, AND I'LL EVEN CLEAN UP YOUR ROOM FOR A WHOLE YEAR.
WHOA.
ALL RIGHT.
BUT IF YOU LOSE-- HEY.
WHATEVER IT IS, I'LL DO I BECAUSE I'M NO GONNA LOSE TO YOU.
LET'S GO.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
I WANT SOME PRACTICE TIME.
I'M GONNA GO OUT THERE AND WORK ON MY GAME, GET BACK IN SHAPE.
YOU JUST GIVE ME TWO DAYS.
I'LL GIVE YOU THREE.
IN THE MEANTIME, I'M GONNA RELAX AND VISUALIZE HOW I'M GONNA SPEND ALL THAT EXTRA MONEY.
NO, NO.
NO.
NO.
HMPH.
WOW.
YOU KNOW, IF YOU HOLD THESE UP TO YOUR EAR, YOU CAN HEAR THE ENTIRE CAS OF "BAYWATCH.
" WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? WHAT ARE YOU THINKIN', BUYIN' THIS THING? ALL I KNOW IS IF YOU WANNA BE POPULAR NOWADAYS, YOU JUST GOTTA HAVE SOMETHING GOIN' ON UP TOP.
YEAH, UP TOP.
DADDY, COME ON.
EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK, ALL YOU SEE ARE WOMEN WITH PERFECT BODIES.
TV, MOVIES, MAGAZINES, BILLBOARDS--EVERYWHERE.
YEAH, WELL, I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THEM.
THEY'RE JUST SELLIN' PRODUCTS TO INSECURE PEOPLE.
SO THE SOONER YOU GET COMFORTABLE LIVIN' IN YOUR OWN SKIN, THE HAPPIER YOU'RE GONNA BE, AND THE HAPPIER YOU ARE, THE HAPPIER I'M GONNA BE.
YOU KNOW IT BROKE MY HEAR WHEN YOU DISSED ME IN FRONT OF YOUR FRIENDS TODAY? DADDYIT'S NOT LIKE I DON'T WANNA BE WITH YOU.
I DO, JUST NOT ALL THE TIME.
LIKE BRA SHOPPING.
DADDY, I'M GROWING UP.
YES, YOU ARE.
I UNDERSTAND THAT, BUT YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND THIS.
YOU'RE ALWAYS GONNA BE MY LITTLE GIRL.
WHEN YOU WERE BORN, I CAUGHT YOU.
YOU KNOW, YOU LOOKED UP AT ME AND YOU SMILED, AND I TOLD MYSELF, "THIS IS MY JOB FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
EVERY TIME THIS LITTLE GIRL'S ABOUT TO FALL, I'M GONNA CATCH HER AND MAKE HER SMILE.
" CAN I TAKE YOU SHOPPIN' FOR PANTIES? UHH, DADDY.
I'M KIDDING.
13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 1, 2 HEY, WHAT IS THAT? I CAN ONLY COUNT TO 17.
OKAY, WELL, WE'RE DONE.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING? HELPING DADDY GET SOME MUSCLES.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I WANT YOU TO GO PUT YOUR WINTER COAT ON.
I'M GONNA USE YOU AS A HEAVY BAG NEXT.
[GIGGLES.]
HA! HOO.
HA! WHO'S OLD? WHO'S OLD? OLD MAN THIS.
YEAH.
HAH.
HA.
I GOT YOUR OLD.
WHOO.
UHH.
[GRUNTS.]
WHEN ARE YOU COMIN' TO BED? IF I MAKE THIS SHOT, I'M COMIN' TO BED.
WATCH THIS, BABY.
WITH THE EYES CLOSED, LIKE JORDAN.
DID I MAKE IT? ALL RIGHT.
I'LL BE IN BED IN AN HOUR, ABOUT AN HOUR.
JUST GONNA BE HERE CROSSOVER.
[GRUNTS.]
[GRUNTS.]
GOT HIM.
HOW MANY IS THAT, JUNIOR, HUH? YOU HAVE 14.
YES, AND HOW MANY YOU GOT, JUNIOR? AND HOW MANY I NEED TO WIN? ONE MORE POINT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
NOT ONLY IS THIS A BASKETBALL CLINIC, BUT IT'S A MATH LESSON.
NOW, IN THE WORDS OF MAGIC JOHNSON [IMITATING JOHNSON.]
I'M 'BOUT TO TAKE YOU DOWNTOWN.
WHAT I'M-A DO IS SHOW YOU THE TURNAROUND SKYHOOK THAT KAREEM ABADOOBADOO-BADABBAR HAVE PERFEH FUH PERFEH WELL, HE MADE IT FAMOUS BACK IN 1994.
THE TRICK TO THIS SHOT, SON, IS YOU WANNA RIDE YOUR OPPONEN DOWN TO THE GROUND LIKE THIS WITH YOUR BUTT MUSCLES, THEN WHAT YOU WANNA DO IS YOU WANNA FAKE RIGHT, AND THEN YOU WANNA GO LEFT, AND BAM! SWISS.
SWISS.
THAT'S SHOWTIME.
IT'S MAGIC.
COME ON, LET'S PLAY.
ONE MORE GAME.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
NO, THAT'S IT.
I'M GONNA TAKE THIS VICTORY.
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, YOU COME BACK HERE.
WHAT'S THAT? DON'T BE A SORE LOSER.
THIS IS YOUR FAULT.
YOU DIDN'T TAKE ME SERIOUS.
I WORKED HARD.
THIS IS A GAME OF FUNDAMENTALS, NOT FLASH.
YOU LOOK AT ALL THE GREAT ONES.
MICHAEL JORDAN-- FIRST ONE IN THE GYM, LAST ONE TO LEAVE THE GYM.
LARRY BIRD USED TO SHOO A HUNDRED 3-POINTERS IN ONE NIGH JUST TO GET READY.
WHAT ABOUT SHAQ? HE CAN' EVEN MAKE A FREE THROW.
WELL, WHEN YOU'RE TALL ENOUGH TO DUNK WITHOUT JUMPIN', YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE FREE THROWS, EITHER.
BUT YOU GOTTA RESPEC THE GAME, SON.
YOU'RE A GOOD PLAYER, AND YOU HAVE POTENTIAL TO BE A GREAT PLAYER, BUT THAT'S UP TO YOU.
ALL RIGHT, I LOST THE BE FAIR AND SQUARE.
WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO? [CHUCKLES.]
WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO DO, HUH? HA HA.
IT'S GONNA BE OTAY.
HEY, JUNIOR, COME ON, HURRY UP.
YOU'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR YOUR GAME! THERE HE IS.
LOOK AT THE SUPERSTAR.
[CHUCKLES.]
BOY, YOU'VE GO YOUR MOTHER'S LEGS.
DO I REALLY HAVE TO WEAR THIS? YES.
THAT WAS THE DEAL.
A DEAL'S A DEAL.
BUT HALF MY BUTT'S HANGIN' OUT.
I KNOW.
[IMITATES JOHNSON.]
THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT SHOWTIME.
HEY, BABY, YOU SEE OUR SON OUT THERE IN THOSE TIGHT LITTLE SHORTS? HE SCORED A TRIPLE DOUBLE.
HE HAD 22 POINTS, 11 ASSISTS, AND 10 NUMBERS FROM SOME GUYS IN THE GLEE CLUB.
SO HOW DO YOU FEEL? I DON'T KNOW, BABY.
I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M GETTIN' OLDER.
AND YOU KNOW IT'S FUNNY, BECAUSE IN MY MIND, I FEEL LIKE I'M MICHAEL JORDAN, AND I COULD FLOAT ABOVE THE RIM.
BUT WHEN I TRY TO DO IT, I'M MICHAEL BOLTON, AND I CAN'T EVEN GE OFF THE GROUND.
I LET MY EGO GET IN THE WAY.
I FEEL STUPID.
YOU KNOW, I'M TRYIN' TO COMPETE AGAINST MY OWN SON.
THAT'S JUST NOT A FIGH I'M GONNA WIN.
TIME IS ON HIS SIDE.
HEY, MICHAEL, DO YOU HAVE ANY ENERGY LEFT? FOR WHAT? WHOA.
[GIGGLES.]
ANNA NICOLE JAY, HELLO.
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY NEW LOOK? WELL, THE TRUTH IS I LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.
OH, BABY, YOU WANT ME TO TAKE THESE OFF? MM-HMM, SOON AS WE'RE FINISHED.
[LAUGHS.]
TRY AND GET BY ME.
AAH! THAT WAS UNCALLED FOR!