My Wife and Kids (2001) s01e05 Episode Script
Making the Grade
1 LEAVE ME ALONE.
MY HAIR, DAD, MY HAIR.
OHH! WHAT IS THE MATTER? I THOUGHT YOU LIKED TO PLAY LIKE THIS.
WELL, I DON'T LIKE I ANYMORE.
AND WHY NOT? I'LL SHOW YOU WHY.
HEY, QUIT IT.
HEY, STOP, MY HAIR.
SERIOUSLY, YOU'RE MESSING UP MY HAIR.
OH, MAN.
DUH.
I'LL SEE YOU IN A FEW MINUTES, DADDY.
OKAY.
HI DON'T YOU KNOCK? I MEAN, WHAT IF I HAD A GIRL IN HERE? THERE'D HAVE TO BE A LAMP AND A GENIE IN HERE, TOO.
HEY, THAT WOULDN' HAPPEN TO BE YOUR REPORT CARD, WOULD IT? UM, HOW LONG WERE YOU STANDING THERE? FORFOR FORGERY.
THAT LONG, HUH? OH, COME ON, IT CAN'T BE THAT BAD.
IS IT? I FLUNKED ALGEBRA.
SO YOU TURNED AN "F" INTO AN "A"? THAT IS JUST WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS.
YOU WILL NEVER GET AWAY WITH IT.
OH, I'LL GET AWAY WITH IT.
I AM AN ARTISTE.
THAT "A" IS PERFECT.
WELL, IT'D BE A SHAME IF YOU DID ALL THAT WORK AND SOMEBODY TOLD ON YOU.
I GUESS NO ONE KNOWS BUTME.
WHAT DO YOU WANT? MM, HOW ABOU YOUR SISQÃ CD? DO WE HAVE A DEAL? YES.
FOR NOW.
CLAIRE, THIS REPORT CARD IS SO GOOD, IT MAKES ME WANNA SING.
YES.
YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE IT'S ALL [IMITATING RAY CHARLES.]
A-HEYS A-A-A MY DAUGHTER GOT AN "A" [ALL SINGING.]
A ALL RIGHT, NOW, KADY, IT'S YOUR TURN.
COME OVER HERE AND SIT ON MY LAP.
BUT I DON'T HAVE A REPORT CARD.
YES, BUT YOU DO GO TO SCHOOL, RIGHT? YOU GO TO TUMBLE TOTS.
HOW YOU DOIN' THERE? WELL, I LEARNED A NEW SONG, AND IT'S CALLED "THE ITSY BITSY SPIDER.
" "THE ITSY BITSY-- " I NEVER HEARD OF THAT ONE.
COULD YOU SING IT FOR ME? THE ITSY BITSY SPIDER WENT UP THE WATER SPOUT NOW SPANISH.
[SINGS IN SPANISH.]
SWAHILI.
[SINGS IN SWAHILI.]
YAY.
YAY.
CLAIRE, TAKE KADY UP TO BED, PLEASE.
TIME TO GIVE THA BIG BRAIN OF HERS A REST.
OKAY, MOM.
GOOD NIGHT, KADY.
GOOD NIGHT, LADIES.
DRUM ROLL, PLEASE.
AND NOW THE FINAL CONTESTANT ON "LET'S SEE IF I LET YOU CONTINUE TO LIVE IN MY HOUSE" MICHAEL KYLE JR.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
WHOO! MM, SOUNDS A LITTLE IFFY.
DAD WHAT? IT DOESN' STINK YET.
BABY, WHAT DOES THA SMELL LIKE? Both: SMELLS HOPEFUL.
CAN WE? OKAY, LET'S OPEN IT UP.
JUST A LITTLE REFLEX.
NOW LET'S OPEN IT UP.
AND THE AWARD GOES TO MICHAEL KYLE JR.
FOR AN "A" IN ART.
OH.
IT'S AN EASY "A," BUT WE TAKE "As" ANY WAY WE GET 'EM.
GOT AN "A" IN LUNCH, TOO.
UP FROM A "C.
" I TOLD YOU GOOD THINGS WOULD HAPPEN IF YOU CUT YOUR BATHROOM TIME IN HALF, RIGHT? WHAT'S THE NEXT ONE, BABY? OH, "B" IN SCIENCE.
EXCELLENT.
AND A "B" IN HISTORY? ARE MY EYES SEEING WHAT I THINK THEY'RE SEEING? YES, THEY ARE.
AFTER 3 STRAIGHT "Cs" IN MATH, YOU GET AN "A" IN ALGEBRA? PRETTY GOOD, HUH? EVERYBODY HAPPY? HAPPY? IN THE WORDS OF MIKE TYSON [IMITATES TYSON.]
WE'RE ECSTATIC.
GREAT.
NOW YOU JUST NEED TO SIGN THE BOTTOM.
OKAY, I'LL SIGN IT, BUT FIRST, COME HERE AND GIVE ME A HANDSHAKE.
I'M PROUD OF YOU, SON.
BOY, COME HERE.
COME HERE TO YOUR MOTHER, COME HERE.
SEE? I TOLD YOU NOTHING IS OUT OF YOUR REACH IF YOU JUST PU YOUR MIND TO IT.
MWAH.
YEAH, SO HOW ABOUT SIGNING IT, BECAUSE I HAVE ALGEBRA UPSTAIRS I'D LOVE TO GET TO WORK ON.
KNOW HOW MUCH YOU WANNA DO THAT.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO MATHEMATIZE ME.
LET'S THERE IT IS.
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.
I'M KEEPING THIS WITH ME.
I WANNA RUB IT ALL OVER MY BODY.
IT FEELS SO GOOD.
THAT'S RIGHT.
YOUR FATHER AND I ARE GOING TO SIT HERE, READ IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN LIKE A GOOD BOOK.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, I'LL GET IT LATER.
SON "A.
" "A.
" HE FORGED IT, DIDN'T HE? MM-HMM.
LET'S HOLD IT UP TO THE LIGH AND SEE WHAT DUMB-DUMB REALLY GOT.
AN "F"? OH, I'M GONNA GO TALK TO THIS BOY RIGHT NOW.
NO, NO.
HOLD ON.
SEE NOW, WE HAVE THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY TO HELP HIM ADMIT HIS MISTAKE AND TO REPENT.
I KNOW YOU, MICHAEL.
YOU'RE GONNA TOY WITH HIM, AREN'T YOU? YES.
[IMITATES MIKE TYSON.]
AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, I'M GONNA BITE HIS EAR OFF.
HA HA HA HA.
HOW WAS PRACTICE, LL COOL A? GOOD.
REAL GOOD.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
HOLD ON A SECOND.
EVERYBODY LINE UP.
COME ON.
READY? WE GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU.
YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS.
OKAY, 1, 2, 3.
HUH? WHAT DO YOU THINK? THEY'RE GREAT.
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? LOTS OF KIDS GE AN "A" IN ALGEBRA.
OH, WE DON'T CARE ABOUT OTHER KIDS.
WE CARE ABOUT YOU.
AND WE'RE GONNA LE THE WORLD KNOW HOW PROUD OF YOU WE ARE.
FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD MATHEMATICIAN FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD MATHEMATICIAN FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD MATHEMATICIAN WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY THEY CAN'T DENY IT, CAN THEY? NO KNOCKING.
NOTED AGAIN.
HEY, I JUST CAME TO CONGRATULATE YOU.
IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE ACTUALLY PULLING THIS OFF.
THAT'S RIGHT, 'CAUSE I'M THE MAN, THE MASTER J, THE ONE WHO GOT AN "A.
" NOW CAN YOU GO AWAY? DID YOU SEE THE PAPER TODAY? NO.
WHY? THE PRICE OF SILENCE HAS GONE THROUGH THE ROOF.
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE ALL OF MY CDs THEN? WOULD THAT DO IT? OH, NO, NO, JUNIOR.
I ALREADY OWN ALL YOUR CDs.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT MUCH MORE.
I HAVE A LIST.
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S HEAR IT.
WELL, FIRST OFF, I NEED YOU TO GE A CHAUFFEUR'S HAT.
WHY IS THAT? BECAUSE YOU'RE GONNA BE DRIVING SOON, AND THERE ARE PLACES I NEED TO BE.
WHAT ELSE? OH, AND THERE'S SOMETHING SANTA FORGOT TO BRING ME LAST YEAR FOR CHRISTMAS.
WHAT'S THAT? YOUR CELL PHONE.
IS THAT IT? NO.
I NEED YOU TO SIGN THIS.
WHAT IS THIS? IT'S AN ORGAN DONOR CARD.
IN CASE I EVER NEED A KIDNEY.
FINE.
NOW WE'RE EVEN.
OH, WAIT.
THERE'S ONE MORE THING.
I'M GOING TO NEED YOUR SUEDE JACKET.
OH, NO.
YOU CAN HAVE A KIDNEY, BUT MY JACKET? ARE YOU SURE? 'CAUSE I'M GONNA NEED SOMETHING TO COVER THIS.
"MY BROTHER REALLY GO AN "F" IN ALGEBRA?" [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
JUNIOR! UM, I'M BAKING YOU A CAKE.
CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA FROSTING? CHOCOLATE.
I LIKE VANILLA.
VANILLA'S BETTER.
MAKE IT VANILLA.
JUNIOR, ISN'T THA YOUR FAVORITE SUEDE JACKET? YES.
YES, IT IS.
WHY IS CLAIRE WEARING IT? WHY? HMM.
I LOVE MY SISTER, AND SHE LOVES MY JACKET.
I LOVE SEEING HER HAPPY.
JUNIOR, FIRST THE "A" AND NOW THIS? WHAT A FINE YOUNG MAN YOU'VE CHANGED INTO.
YES, JUNIOR, IT'S REMARKABLE THE CHANGES YOU'VE MADE LATELY.
CLAIRE'S WORKING ON HIM, TOO, AND I DON'T LIKE IT.
JUST LET IT GO FOR A WHILE.
LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
I DON'T THINK YOUR PLAN IS WORKING, MICHAEL.
I SAY WE DROP THIS WHOLE CHARADE, GROUND HIS BUTT, AND GET HIM A TUTOR.
WELL, WHERE'S THE FUN IN THAT? LOOK, BESIDES ALGEBRA, HE'S ACTUALLY DOING PRETTY GOOD IN SCHOOL.
IT'S HIS LYING I'M CONCERNED WITH.
YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I'M STARTING TO GET IMPRESSED BY IT.
I THOUGHT I'D HAVE HIM CRACKED BY NOW.
YOU SOUND LIKE YOU'RE PROUD OF HIM.
WELL, IN A WAY, I AM.
IT'S KIND OF LIKE DON KING, WE THINK HE'S FULL OF IT, BUT HE DOES IT WITH SUCH [IMITATES KING.]
PRODIGIOUS FORTITUDE THAT YOU HAVE TO APPRECIATE HIS STYLEOGRAPHY.
WELL, YOUR SON IS GETTING PRETTY COCKY NOW, SO OH, REALLY? YEAH.
WATCH THIS.
[NASAL SING-SONG.]
OH, JUNIOR WHAT YOU NEED, DAD? I WANT YOU TO SIT DOWN, SON.
YOUR MOTHER AND I HAVE SOMETHING VERY IMPORTAN TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.
SO, WHAT'S UP? SEE THESE? THOSE ARE THE YEAR-END NUMBERS FROM MY COMPANY, AND THEY'RE VERY COMPLEX.
IT TOOK 5 ACCOUNTANTS TO GET 'EM THIS FAR.
WE HAD 6, BUT ONE OF 'EM HAD A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.
POOR MURRAY.
WELL, WHAT'S THIS GOT TO DO WITH ME? WELL, THERE ARE DISCREPANCIES, AND WITH YOUR "A" IN ALGEBRA, I FIGURED YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE I CAN TRUST NOW.
I MEAN, YOU'RE FAMILY, SO I KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIE TO ME.
HAH.
DAD, I'M NO A TRAINED ACCOUNTANT.
YOU HEAR THIS GUY? JUNIOR, I REALLY ADMIRE YOUR HUMILITY.
THIS GUY.
ALL RIGHT, STOP THE HORSIN' AROUND.
HOW LONG IS IT GONNA TAKE YOU TO FIX THIS--10, 15 MINUTES? DAD, THIS STUFF COULD TAKE HOURS.
ALL RIGHT, WE'LL PLAY ALONG.
I DON'T NEED 'EM UNTIL 7 A.
M.
TOMORROW MORNING.
SURE, DAD.
I'LL GET STARTED ON IT RIGHT AWAY.
YEAH, OKAY.
AND, HEY COULD YOU DO I IN TRIPLICATE FOR ME? YOU WANT 4 COPIES? GOOD MORNING.
BEAUTIFUL DAY OUT, ISN'T IT? YES, IT IS.
AND SO, WHERE ARE THE REPORTS? DONE AND DONE.
YOU WERE RIGHT, THOUGH.
THERE WERE SOME DISCREPANCIES.
SEE? CHECK THE AMORTIZATION ON ITEM 14.
I ALMOST MISSED IT.
PROBABLY BE WORTH SOME MONEY OVER THE YEARS.
WELL, I'M RUNNING A TAD LATE FOR SCHOOL.
LOVE YOU BOTH.
CIAO.
OH, MY GOD.
HE DID IT? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? I'LL TELL YOU HOW IT'S POSSIBLE.
LAST NIGHT, WHILE WE WERE SLEEPING, HE SNUCK OUT AND FOUND A 24-HOUR ACCOUNTANT.
HOW DO YOU KNOW HE SAW AN ACCOUNTANT? THEY'RE NOTARIZED.
OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH.
HE'S LIED ON TOP OF LIES.
I SAY WE CALL HIM ON IT TODAY.
HOLD ON, HOLD ON.
LISTEN, SURE, WE COULD GO YELL AT HIM, WE COULD GROUND HIM, WE COULD ACTUALLY BEAT HIM WITHIN AN INCH OF HIS LIFE.
THAT WOULD BE OUR GOD-GIVEN RIGHT AS PARENTS.
BUT WHAT'S JUNIOR GONNA LEARN FROM THAT? WELL, FOR STARTERS, HE'LL LEARN HOW TO SIT STANDING UP.
AND THEN SECONDLY AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, MICHAEL, HE'LL LEARN ALGEBRA.
NO, IT'S THE LYING I'M CONCERNED WITH.
SEE, IT STARTS OFF WITH ALGEBRA, AND THEN THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW, HE'S GOING [IMITATES BILL CLINTON.]
I DID NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THAT WOMAN.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA GIVE YOU ONE MORE SHOT, BUT THEN HIS BUT IS MINE.
OKAY, SO, YOU READY FOR THE MOVIE? DO THE SOUND, DADDY.
YOU WANT ME TO DO THE THX SOUND? OKAY.
[IMITATES THX SOUND EFFECT.]
YEAH, DADDY, THAT'S IT.
THE AUDIENCE IS LISTENING! JUNIOR, POPCORN'S READY.
HEY.
"A.
" SO WHAT DID YOU RENT? OH, YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS.
IT'S CALLED "LIAR, LIAR.
" DIDN'T WE ALREADY SEE THAT? YEAH, BUT I FIGURED WE'D WATCH IT AGAIN.
I GUESS AFTER TONIGHT, WE'LL HAVE SEEN "LIAR, LIAR," LIAR, LIAR.
"LIAR, LIAR" IT IS.
UHH, LOOK AT ALL THOSE STAIRS.
JUNIOR, WILL YOU CARRY ME UP? WHAT? I'M SO TIRED, AND THERE'S 1, 2 I CAN'T EVEN COUN HOW MANY STAIRS.
YOU TELL ME, JUNIOR.
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S SO-O-O GOOD AT MATH.
HOP ON.
AW, ISN'T THAT SWEET? NO, THAT IS NOT SWEET.
I'M GOING UPSTAIRS AND TEACHING THAT GIRL A LESSON RIGHT NOW.
WHILE YOU'RE BUSY PLAYING WITH JUNIOR, I'M GONNA GET SOME RESULTS.
GOOD LUCK.
SO COME HERE, MY ONLY GOOD CHILD.
WHAT MOVIE WE GONNA WATCH? "PINOCCHIO.
" LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.
YOU WOULD NEVER LIE TO ME, WOULD YOU? NEVER, DADDY.
OKAY, SO, IS DADDY, LIKE, THE BEST-LOOKING GUY IN THE WHOLE WORLD? WELL, YOU'RE NO GEORGE CLOONEY.
I GOTTA TEACH YOU LITTLE WHITE LIES.
I KNOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT? WHAT YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW.
YOU KNOW? MM-HMM.
AND I KNOW THAT YOU KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.
OH, YOU KNOW, AND YOU KNOW I KNOW.
OH, NO.
THAT'S RIGHT.
BUT, SEE, MAMA WAIT.
WHOA.
HOLD UP NOW.
COME ON.
NOW, YOU MADE A DEAL WITH JUNIOR NOT TO TELL ON HIM, RIGHT? WELL, IT WAS MORE PLEASE.
HE GAVE YOU HIS JACKET, DID YOUR CHORES, CARRIED YOU ON HIS BACK LIKE YOU WERE MISS DAISY WITH A FLAT.
AND I COME IN HERE, AND YOU'RE WEARING HIS HEADPHONES, SO STOP TRYING TO DENY IT.
IT'S INSULTING.
OKAY.
I PROMISED HIM I'D BE QUIET.
FINE, AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO BREAK A PROMISE, BUT THAT STILL LEAVES US.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? WELL, I COULD TELL YOUR FATHER, AND YOU CAN GET PUNISHED, OR WE COULD KEEP I TO OURSELVES.
MOMMY, THANK YOU.
YOU'RE THE BEST MOM.
OHH.
IF YOU'RE WILLING TO DO A FEW THINGS FOR ME.
LIKE WHAT? OH, I DON'T KNOW.
LIKE, UH, STRAIGHTEN OU MY CLOSET, DO THE WASH, COOK BREAKFAS FOR A WEEK, AND A WHOLE BUNCH OF OTHER STUFF.
BUT, MOM, THAT'S BLACKMAIL.
NO, NO, NO.
NO, SWEETHEART.
THAT'S BLACK FEMALE.
I FINISHED WASHING YOUR CAR, MOM.
OH, THAT IS SO SWEET, DEAR.
SO AM I DONE? OH, YEAH, FOR NOW.
HEY, CLAIRE, I'M GONNA STOP AND GE SOME TAKEOUT TONIGHT.
WHAT DO YOU WANT, MEXICAN OR CHINESE? CHINESE.
I LIKE MEXICAN.
MEXICAN'S GOOD.
YOU SURE BROKE THAT CHILD FAST.
IT'S A GIFT.
NOW I'M ABOU TO WORK MY MAGIC ON JUNIOR.
OH, NO, NO.
HE'S STILL MINE.
SEE, HE'S TAKING ME THE DISTANCE, BUT I WAS JUST DOING THE ROPE-A-DOPE.
NOW I'M GONNA COME OFF AND GIVE HIM THE KNOCKOUT PUNCH.
SEE, I'M FEELING LIKE MUHAMMAD ALI.
[IMITATES ALI.]
I FLOAT LIKE A BUTTERFLY.
I SMELL LIKE PETUNIAS.
WAIT TILL YOU SEE WHAT I DO WITH THE BOY JUNIOR.
PETUNIA AND JUNIOR RHYME.
NAH, SEE, MESSIN' WITH YOU, I'M GONNA BE LATE FOR WORK.
GET THIS THING FINISHED WITH JUNIOR AND GET IT FINISHED TODAY.
BYE.
MESS WITH ME.
HEY, JUNIOR! COME HERE A SECOND.
HEY, DAD.
"A," SON.
SO WHAT'S UP? LISTEN, YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING LAST NIGHT.
DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE THE FIRST MALE IN THE KYLE FAMILY TO CRACK THE MYSTERY KNOWN AS ALGEBRA? IS THAT RIGHT? WELL, THAT OUGHT TO TRANSLATE TO AN INCREASE IN MY ALLOWANCE.
YEAH.
LET'S DO THAT.
LET'S GIVE YOU A RAISE.
SIT DOWN.
WHAT ARE YOU GETTING NOW, $10 A WEEK? I WANT YOU TO TAKE THE SQUARE ROOT OF YOUR $10 AND MULTIPLY THAT BY, LET'S SAY, 14 1/2%, WHICH YOU KNOW IS GONNA GIVE YOU "X," AND THEN I WANT YOU TO DIVIDE THAT BY PI.
NOW, WHAT WOULD THAT BE, MY LITTLE RAINMAN? THAT WOULD BE GREAT, DAD.
GOOD.
A 15 CENTS INCREASE.
15 CENTS? THAT'S RIGHT.
AND THIS CALLS FOR A CELEBRATION.
A WHAT? A CELEBRATION.
A PARTY.
NO, NOT A PARTY.
A PAR-TAY.
WE'RE GONNA GO ALL OUT.
WE'RE GONNA DRESS UP IN SUITS.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE MUSIC AND BALLOONS AND BANNERS.
I'M GONNA FLY IN RERUN, HAVE HIM TEACH US THAT DANCE THEY USED TO DO.
GEE, DAD, I MEAN, THAT SOUNDS PRETTY EXPENSIVE.
OH, NO, NO.
SEE, WITH YOUR GRADES, I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA GE A FULL SCHOLARSHIP, THEREFORE I'VE DECIDED WE'RE GONNA BLOW ALL YOUR COLLEGE MONEY NOW.
MY SON THE GENIUS.
[SMOKER'S VOICE.]
OKAY, SAY IT LIKE THERE'S A HOT POTATO IN THE BACK OF YOUR THROAT.
AHHH.
AHHH.
HEY, LOOK, THE REVEREND MAYO IS HERE.
REVEREND.
OH, LOOK WHO'S HERE.
BLESS YOU, CHILD.
YOU'RE JUST WHA THIS COMMUNITY NEEDS-- GOOD, HONEST, YOUNG MATHEMATICIANS.
CAN I GET AN "A"-MEN? AMEN.
THIS IS GREAT, SON.
NOW EVEN GOD KNOWS YOU GOT THE "A.
" WIENIE? UH, NO, THANKS.
I PUT YOUR SUEDE JACKE BACK IN YOUR CLOSET, WIENIE.
YOU DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE? NO.
I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS ANYMORE.
Michael: UH, LISTEN UP, EVERYONE.
I DON'T WANT US TO FORGE WHY WE'RE ALL HERE.
OUR BRILLIANT SON-- MICHAEL KYLE JR.
COME HERE TO ME, BOY.
NEVER BEFORE HAVE I BEEN SO PROUD TO HAVE HIM BEAR MY NAME.
THIS IS THE FRUI OF MY LOOMS HERE.
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, I DON'T REGRE THOSE 13 HOURS I SPENT IN LABOR.
WHO KNEW THIS BIG HEAD WAS FULL OF NUMBERS? I THOUGH SHE WAS HAVING TWINS.
IS THERE ANYTHING YOU NEED TO TELL ME? NO, DAD.
HEY, GREAT PARTY.
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, THEN, LET'S HAVE A WORD FROM THE GUEST OF HONOR-- MR.
MICHAEL KYLE JR.
GIVE US A SPEECH.
COME ON.
STEP UP HERE ON THIS TABLE.
NO, NO.
THIS IS MY FAVORITE CHAIR.
I WANT YOU TO STAND IN MY FAVORITE CHAIR AND TELL US WHAT IT'S LIKE TO GET AN "A.
" WELL HOLD ON A SECOND.
WHA WOULD THIS "A" PARTY BE WITHOUT THE MAN WHO GAVE YOU THE GRADE? LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MR.
GRIGLER, MICHAEL'S ALGEBRA TEACHER'S HERE.
SURPRISE.
SURPRISE.
MICHAEL JR.
, COME ON DOWN.
THIS IS YOUR LIFE.
[WHISTLES.]
JUNIOR, COME ON.
WE'RE GONNA BE LATE.
WOW, CLAIRE, THAT'S A GREAT JOB.
LOOK, YOU MISSED A SPOT, THOUGH.
HA HA HA.
COME HERE.
OH, LOOK A THE MAN OF THE HOUR.
Michael: THERE HE IS.
SO, HOW YOU FEELIN'? ALL THAT LYIN' TOOK A LOT OUTTA ME.
THAT'S RIGHT, SO WHA DID YOU LEARN FROM THIS? TO ONLY USE MY EVIL GENIUS FOR GOOD.
AND WHAT ELSE? NEVER MESS WITH A SUPERIOR INTELLIGENCE.
THAT'S WHAT I WANNA HEAR.
SO YOU READY? KNOW WHERE MY CAR IS? YES, SIR.
OKAY, BABY, I LOVE YOU.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
OKAY.
HAVE A NICE DAY.
UNH! HI-YO, JUNIOR, AWAY.
BUT WHAT'S HE GONNA LEARN FROM THAT? WELL BUT WHAT'S HE GONNA LEARN FROM THAT? WELL, FOR STARTERS DANG IT.
BUT WHAT'S HE GONNA LEARN FROM THAT? WELL, FOR STARTERS HE'LL LEARN HOW TO SI WITH HIS BUTT IN THE AIR?
MY HAIR, DAD, MY HAIR.
OHH! WHAT IS THE MATTER? I THOUGHT YOU LIKED TO PLAY LIKE THIS.
WELL, I DON'T LIKE I ANYMORE.
AND WHY NOT? I'LL SHOW YOU WHY.
HEY, QUIT IT.
HEY, STOP, MY HAIR.
SERIOUSLY, YOU'RE MESSING UP MY HAIR.
OH, MAN.
DUH.
I'LL SEE YOU IN A FEW MINUTES, DADDY.
OKAY.
HI DON'T YOU KNOCK? I MEAN, WHAT IF I HAD A GIRL IN HERE? THERE'D HAVE TO BE A LAMP AND A GENIE IN HERE, TOO.
HEY, THAT WOULDN' HAPPEN TO BE YOUR REPORT CARD, WOULD IT? UM, HOW LONG WERE YOU STANDING THERE? FORFOR FORGERY.
THAT LONG, HUH? OH, COME ON, IT CAN'T BE THAT BAD.
IS IT? I FLUNKED ALGEBRA.
SO YOU TURNED AN "F" INTO AN "A"? THAT IS JUST WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS.
YOU WILL NEVER GET AWAY WITH IT.
OH, I'LL GET AWAY WITH IT.
I AM AN ARTISTE.
THAT "A" IS PERFECT.
WELL, IT'D BE A SHAME IF YOU DID ALL THAT WORK AND SOMEBODY TOLD ON YOU.
I GUESS NO ONE KNOWS BUTME.
WHAT DO YOU WANT? MM, HOW ABOU YOUR SISQÃ CD? DO WE HAVE A DEAL? YES.
FOR NOW.
CLAIRE, THIS REPORT CARD IS SO GOOD, IT MAKES ME WANNA SING.
YES.
YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE IT'S ALL [IMITATING RAY CHARLES.]
A-HEYS A-A-A MY DAUGHTER GOT AN "A" [ALL SINGING.]
A ALL RIGHT, NOW, KADY, IT'S YOUR TURN.
COME OVER HERE AND SIT ON MY LAP.
BUT I DON'T HAVE A REPORT CARD.
YES, BUT YOU DO GO TO SCHOOL, RIGHT? YOU GO TO TUMBLE TOTS.
HOW YOU DOIN' THERE? WELL, I LEARNED A NEW SONG, AND IT'S CALLED "THE ITSY BITSY SPIDER.
" "THE ITSY BITSY-- " I NEVER HEARD OF THAT ONE.
COULD YOU SING IT FOR ME? THE ITSY BITSY SPIDER WENT UP THE WATER SPOUT NOW SPANISH.
[SINGS IN SPANISH.]
SWAHILI.
[SINGS IN SWAHILI.]
YAY.
YAY.
CLAIRE, TAKE KADY UP TO BED, PLEASE.
TIME TO GIVE THA BIG BRAIN OF HERS A REST.
OKAY, MOM.
GOOD NIGHT, KADY.
GOOD NIGHT, LADIES.
DRUM ROLL, PLEASE.
AND NOW THE FINAL CONTESTANT ON "LET'S SEE IF I LET YOU CONTINUE TO LIVE IN MY HOUSE" MICHAEL KYLE JR.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
WHOO! MM, SOUNDS A LITTLE IFFY.
DAD WHAT? IT DOESN' STINK YET.
BABY, WHAT DOES THA SMELL LIKE? Both: SMELLS HOPEFUL.
CAN WE? OKAY, LET'S OPEN IT UP.
JUST A LITTLE REFLEX.
NOW LET'S OPEN IT UP.
AND THE AWARD GOES TO MICHAEL KYLE JR.
FOR AN "A" IN ART.
OH.
IT'S AN EASY "A," BUT WE TAKE "As" ANY WAY WE GET 'EM.
GOT AN "A" IN LUNCH, TOO.
UP FROM A "C.
" I TOLD YOU GOOD THINGS WOULD HAPPEN IF YOU CUT YOUR BATHROOM TIME IN HALF, RIGHT? WHAT'S THE NEXT ONE, BABY? OH, "B" IN SCIENCE.
EXCELLENT.
AND A "B" IN HISTORY? ARE MY EYES SEEING WHAT I THINK THEY'RE SEEING? YES, THEY ARE.
AFTER 3 STRAIGHT "Cs" IN MATH, YOU GET AN "A" IN ALGEBRA? PRETTY GOOD, HUH? EVERYBODY HAPPY? HAPPY? IN THE WORDS OF MIKE TYSON [IMITATES TYSON.]
WE'RE ECSTATIC.
GREAT.
NOW YOU JUST NEED TO SIGN THE BOTTOM.
OKAY, I'LL SIGN IT, BUT FIRST, COME HERE AND GIVE ME A HANDSHAKE.
I'M PROUD OF YOU, SON.
BOY, COME HERE.
COME HERE TO YOUR MOTHER, COME HERE.
SEE? I TOLD YOU NOTHING IS OUT OF YOUR REACH IF YOU JUST PU YOUR MIND TO IT.
MWAH.
YEAH, SO HOW ABOUT SIGNING IT, BECAUSE I HAVE ALGEBRA UPSTAIRS I'D LOVE TO GET TO WORK ON.
KNOW HOW MUCH YOU WANNA DO THAT.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO MATHEMATIZE ME.
LET'S THERE IT IS.
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.
I'M KEEPING THIS WITH ME.
I WANNA RUB IT ALL OVER MY BODY.
IT FEELS SO GOOD.
THAT'S RIGHT.
YOUR FATHER AND I ARE GOING TO SIT HERE, READ IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN LIKE A GOOD BOOK.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, I'LL GET IT LATER.
SON "A.
" "A.
" HE FORGED IT, DIDN'T HE? MM-HMM.
LET'S HOLD IT UP TO THE LIGH AND SEE WHAT DUMB-DUMB REALLY GOT.
AN "F"? OH, I'M GONNA GO TALK TO THIS BOY RIGHT NOW.
NO, NO.
HOLD ON.
SEE NOW, WE HAVE THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY TO HELP HIM ADMIT HIS MISTAKE AND TO REPENT.
I KNOW YOU, MICHAEL.
YOU'RE GONNA TOY WITH HIM, AREN'T YOU? YES.
[IMITATES MIKE TYSON.]
AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, I'M GONNA BITE HIS EAR OFF.
HA HA HA HA.
HOW WAS PRACTICE, LL COOL A? GOOD.
REAL GOOD.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
HOLD ON A SECOND.
EVERYBODY LINE UP.
COME ON.
READY? WE GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU.
YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS.
OKAY, 1, 2, 3.
HUH? WHAT DO YOU THINK? THEY'RE GREAT.
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? LOTS OF KIDS GE AN "A" IN ALGEBRA.
OH, WE DON'T CARE ABOUT OTHER KIDS.
WE CARE ABOUT YOU.
AND WE'RE GONNA LE THE WORLD KNOW HOW PROUD OF YOU WE ARE.
FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD MATHEMATICIAN FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD MATHEMATICIAN FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD MATHEMATICIAN WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY THEY CAN'T DENY IT, CAN THEY? NO KNOCKING.
NOTED AGAIN.
HEY, I JUST CAME TO CONGRATULATE YOU.
IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE ACTUALLY PULLING THIS OFF.
THAT'S RIGHT, 'CAUSE I'M THE MAN, THE MASTER J, THE ONE WHO GOT AN "A.
" NOW CAN YOU GO AWAY? DID YOU SEE THE PAPER TODAY? NO.
WHY? THE PRICE OF SILENCE HAS GONE THROUGH THE ROOF.
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE ALL OF MY CDs THEN? WOULD THAT DO IT? OH, NO, NO, JUNIOR.
I ALREADY OWN ALL YOUR CDs.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT MUCH MORE.
I HAVE A LIST.
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S HEAR IT.
WELL, FIRST OFF, I NEED YOU TO GE A CHAUFFEUR'S HAT.
WHY IS THAT? BECAUSE YOU'RE GONNA BE DRIVING SOON, AND THERE ARE PLACES I NEED TO BE.
WHAT ELSE? OH, AND THERE'S SOMETHING SANTA FORGOT TO BRING ME LAST YEAR FOR CHRISTMAS.
WHAT'S THAT? YOUR CELL PHONE.
IS THAT IT? NO.
I NEED YOU TO SIGN THIS.
WHAT IS THIS? IT'S AN ORGAN DONOR CARD.
IN CASE I EVER NEED A KIDNEY.
FINE.
NOW WE'RE EVEN.
OH, WAIT.
THERE'S ONE MORE THING.
I'M GOING TO NEED YOUR SUEDE JACKET.
OH, NO.
YOU CAN HAVE A KIDNEY, BUT MY JACKET? ARE YOU SURE? 'CAUSE I'M GONNA NEED SOMETHING TO COVER THIS.
"MY BROTHER REALLY GO AN "F" IN ALGEBRA?" [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
JUNIOR! UM, I'M BAKING YOU A CAKE.
CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA FROSTING? CHOCOLATE.
I LIKE VANILLA.
VANILLA'S BETTER.
MAKE IT VANILLA.
JUNIOR, ISN'T THA YOUR FAVORITE SUEDE JACKET? YES.
YES, IT IS.
WHY IS CLAIRE WEARING IT? WHY? HMM.
I LOVE MY SISTER, AND SHE LOVES MY JACKET.
I LOVE SEEING HER HAPPY.
JUNIOR, FIRST THE "A" AND NOW THIS? WHAT A FINE YOUNG MAN YOU'VE CHANGED INTO.
YES, JUNIOR, IT'S REMARKABLE THE CHANGES YOU'VE MADE LATELY.
CLAIRE'S WORKING ON HIM, TOO, AND I DON'T LIKE IT.
JUST LET IT GO FOR A WHILE.
LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
I DON'T THINK YOUR PLAN IS WORKING, MICHAEL.
I SAY WE DROP THIS WHOLE CHARADE, GROUND HIS BUTT, AND GET HIM A TUTOR.
WELL, WHERE'S THE FUN IN THAT? LOOK, BESIDES ALGEBRA, HE'S ACTUALLY DOING PRETTY GOOD IN SCHOOL.
IT'S HIS LYING I'M CONCERNED WITH.
YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I'M STARTING TO GET IMPRESSED BY IT.
I THOUGHT I'D HAVE HIM CRACKED BY NOW.
YOU SOUND LIKE YOU'RE PROUD OF HIM.
WELL, IN A WAY, I AM.
IT'S KIND OF LIKE DON KING, WE THINK HE'S FULL OF IT, BUT HE DOES IT WITH SUCH [IMITATES KING.]
PRODIGIOUS FORTITUDE THAT YOU HAVE TO APPRECIATE HIS STYLEOGRAPHY.
WELL, YOUR SON IS GETTING PRETTY COCKY NOW, SO OH, REALLY? YEAH.
WATCH THIS.
[NASAL SING-SONG.]
OH, JUNIOR WHAT YOU NEED, DAD? I WANT YOU TO SIT DOWN, SON.
YOUR MOTHER AND I HAVE SOMETHING VERY IMPORTAN TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.
SO, WHAT'S UP? SEE THESE? THOSE ARE THE YEAR-END NUMBERS FROM MY COMPANY, AND THEY'RE VERY COMPLEX.
IT TOOK 5 ACCOUNTANTS TO GET 'EM THIS FAR.
WE HAD 6, BUT ONE OF 'EM HAD A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.
POOR MURRAY.
WELL, WHAT'S THIS GOT TO DO WITH ME? WELL, THERE ARE DISCREPANCIES, AND WITH YOUR "A" IN ALGEBRA, I FIGURED YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE I CAN TRUST NOW.
I MEAN, YOU'RE FAMILY, SO I KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIE TO ME.
HAH.
DAD, I'M NO A TRAINED ACCOUNTANT.
YOU HEAR THIS GUY? JUNIOR, I REALLY ADMIRE YOUR HUMILITY.
THIS GUY.
ALL RIGHT, STOP THE HORSIN' AROUND.
HOW LONG IS IT GONNA TAKE YOU TO FIX THIS--10, 15 MINUTES? DAD, THIS STUFF COULD TAKE HOURS.
ALL RIGHT, WE'LL PLAY ALONG.
I DON'T NEED 'EM UNTIL 7 A.
M.
TOMORROW MORNING.
SURE, DAD.
I'LL GET STARTED ON IT RIGHT AWAY.
YEAH, OKAY.
AND, HEY COULD YOU DO I IN TRIPLICATE FOR ME? YOU WANT 4 COPIES? GOOD MORNING.
BEAUTIFUL DAY OUT, ISN'T IT? YES, IT IS.
AND SO, WHERE ARE THE REPORTS? DONE AND DONE.
YOU WERE RIGHT, THOUGH.
THERE WERE SOME DISCREPANCIES.
SEE? CHECK THE AMORTIZATION ON ITEM 14.
I ALMOST MISSED IT.
PROBABLY BE WORTH SOME MONEY OVER THE YEARS.
WELL, I'M RUNNING A TAD LATE FOR SCHOOL.
LOVE YOU BOTH.
CIAO.
OH, MY GOD.
HE DID IT? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? I'LL TELL YOU HOW IT'S POSSIBLE.
LAST NIGHT, WHILE WE WERE SLEEPING, HE SNUCK OUT AND FOUND A 24-HOUR ACCOUNTANT.
HOW DO YOU KNOW HE SAW AN ACCOUNTANT? THEY'RE NOTARIZED.
OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH.
HE'S LIED ON TOP OF LIES.
I SAY WE CALL HIM ON IT TODAY.
HOLD ON, HOLD ON.
LISTEN, SURE, WE COULD GO YELL AT HIM, WE COULD GROUND HIM, WE COULD ACTUALLY BEAT HIM WITHIN AN INCH OF HIS LIFE.
THAT WOULD BE OUR GOD-GIVEN RIGHT AS PARENTS.
BUT WHAT'S JUNIOR GONNA LEARN FROM THAT? WELL, FOR STARTERS, HE'LL LEARN HOW TO SIT STANDING UP.
AND THEN SECONDLY AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, MICHAEL, HE'LL LEARN ALGEBRA.
NO, IT'S THE LYING I'M CONCERNED WITH.
SEE, IT STARTS OFF WITH ALGEBRA, AND THEN THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW, HE'S GOING [IMITATES BILL CLINTON.]
I DID NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THAT WOMAN.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA GIVE YOU ONE MORE SHOT, BUT THEN HIS BUT IS MINE.
OKAY, SO, YOU READY FOR THE MOVIE? DO THE SOUND, DADDY.
YOU WANT ME TO DO THE THX SOUND? OKAY.
[IMITATES THX SOUND EFFECT.]
YEAH, DADDY, THAT'S IT.
THE AUDIENCE IS LISTENING! JUNIOR, POPCORN'S READY.
HEY.
"A.
" SO WHAT DID YOU RENT? OH, YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS.
IT'S CALLED "LIAR, LIAR.
" DIDN'T WE ALREADY SEE THAT? YEAH, BUT I FIGURED WE'D WATCH IT AGAIN.
I GUESS AFTER TONIGHT, WE'LL HAVE SEEN "LIAR, LIAR," LIAR, LIAR.
"LIAR, LIAR" IT IS.
UHH, LOOK AT ALL THOSE STAIRS.
JUNIOR, WILL YOU CARRY ME UP? WHAT? I'M SO TIRED, AND THERE'S 1, 2 I CAN'T EVEN COUN HOW MANY STAIRS.
YOU TELL ME, JUNIOR.
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S SO-O-O GOOD AT MATH.
HOP ON.
AW, ISN'T THAT SWEET? NO, THAT IS NOT SWEET.
I'M GOING UPSTAIRS AND TEACHING THAT GIRL A LESSON RIGHT NOW.
WHILE YOU'RE BUSY PLAYING WITH JUNIOR, I'M GONNA GET SOME RESULTS.
GOOD LUCK.
SO COME HERE, MY ONLY GOOD CHILD.
WHAT MOVIE WE GONNA WATCH? "PINOCCHIO.
" LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.
YOU WOULD NEVER LIE TO ME, WOULD YOU? NEVER, DADDY.
OKAY, SO, IS DADDY, LIKE, THE BEST-LOOKING GUY IN THE WHOLE WORLD? WELL, YOU'RE NO GEORGE CLOONEY.
I GOTTA TEACH YOU LITTLE WHITE LIES.
I KNOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT? WHAT YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW.
YOU KNOW? MM-HMM.
AND I KNOW THAT YOU KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.
OH, YOU KNOW, AND YOU KNOW I KNOW.
OH, NO.
THAT'S RIGHT.
BUT, SEE, MAMA WAIT.
WHOA.
HOLD UP NOW.
COME ON.
NOW, YOU MADE A DEAL WITH JUNIOR NOT TO TELL ON HIM, RIGHT? WELL, IT WAS MORE PLEASE.
HE GAVE YOU HIS JACKET, DID YOUR CHORES, CARRIED YOU ON HIS BACK LIKE YOU WERE MISS DAISY WITH A FLAT.
AND I COME IN HERE, AND YOU'RE WEARING HIS HEADPHONES, SO STOP TRYING TO DENY IT.
IT'S INSULTING.
OKAY.
I PROMISED HIM I'D BE QUIET.
FINE, AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO BREAK A PROMISE, BUT THAT STILL LEAVES US.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? WELL, I COULD TELL YOUR FATHER, AND YOU CAN GET PUNISHED, OR WE COULD KEEP I TO OURSELVES.
MOMMY, THANK YOU.
YOU'RE THE BEST MOM.
OHH.
IF YOU'RE WILLING TO DO A FEW THINGS FOR ME.
LIKE WHAT? OH, I DON'T KNOW.
LIKE, UH, STRAIGHTEN OU MY CLOSET, DO THE WASH, COOK BREAKFAS FOR A WEEK, AND A WHOLE BUNCH OF OTHER STUFF.
BUT, MOM, THAT'S BLACKMAIL.
NO, NO, NO.
NO, SWEETHEART.
THAT'S BLACK FEMALE.
I FINISHED WASHING YOUR CAR, MOM.
OH, THAT IS SO SWEET, DEAR.
SO AM I DONE? OH, YEAH, FOR NOW.
HEY, CLAIRE, I'M GONNA STOP AND GE SOME TAKEOUT TONIGHT.
WHAT DO YOU WANT, MEXICAN OR CHINESE? CHINESE.
I LIKE MEXICAN.
MEXICAN'S GOOD.
YOU SURE BROKE THAT CHILD FAST.
IT'S A GIFT.
NOW I'M ABOU TO WORK MY MAGIC ON JUNIOR.
OH, NO, NO.
HE'S STILL MINE.
SEE, HE'S TAKING ME THE DISTANCE, BUT I WAS JUST DOING THE ROPE-A-DOPE.
NOW I'M GONNA COME OFF AND GIVE HIM THE KNOCKOUT PUNCH.
SEE, I'M FEELING LIKE MUHAMMAD ALI.
[IMITATES ALI.]
I FLOAT LIKE A BUTTERFLY.
I SMELL LIKE PETUNIAS.
WAIT TILL YOU SEE WHAT I DO WITH THE BOY JUNIOR.
PETUNIA AND JUNIOR RHYME.
NAH, SEE, MESSIN' WITH YOU, I'M GONNA BE LATE FOR WORK.
GET THIS THING FINISHED WITH JUNIOR AND GET IT FINISHED TODAY.
BYE.
MESS WITH ME.
HEY, JUNIOR! COME HERE A SECOND.
HEY, DAD.
"A," SON.
SO WHAT'S UP? LISTEN, YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING LAST NIGHT.
DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE THE FIRST MALE IN THE KYLE FAMILY TO CRACK THE MYSTERY KNOWN AS ALGEBRA? IS THAT RIGHT? WELL, THAT OUGHT TO TRANSLATE TO AN INCREASE IN MY ALLOWANCE.
YEAH.
LET'S DO THAT.
LET'S GIVE YOU A RAISE.
SIT DOWN.
WHAT ARE YOU GETTING NOW, $10 A WEEK? I WANT YOU TO TAKE THE SQUARE ROOT OF YOUR $10 AND MULTIPLY THAT BY, LET'S SAY, 14 1/2%, WHICH YOU KNOW IS GONNA GIVE YOU "X," AND THEN I WANT YOU TO DIVIDE THAT BY PI.
NOW, WHAT WOULD THAT BE, MY LITTLE RAINMAN? THAT WOULD BE GREAT, DAD.
GOOD.
A 15 CENTS INCREASE.
15 CENTS? THAT'S RIGHT.
AND THIS CALLS FOR A CELEBRATION.
A WHAT? A CELEBRATION.
A PARTY.
NO, NOT A PARTY.
A PAR-TAY.
WE'RE GONNA GO ALL OUT.
WE'RE GONNA DRESS UP IN SUITS.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE MUSIC AND BALLOONS AND BANNERS.
I'M GONNA FLY IN RERUN, HAVE HIM TEACH US THAT DANCE THEY USED TO DO.
GEE, DAD, I MEAN, THAT SOUNDS PRETTY EXPENSIVE.
OH, NO, NO.
SEE, WITH YOUR GRADES, I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA GE A FULL SCHOLARSHIP, THEREFORE I'VE DECIDED WE'RE GONNA BLOW ALL YOUR COLLEGE MONEY NOW.
MY SON THE GENIUS.
[SMOKER'S VOICE.]
OKAY, SAY IT LIKE THERE'S A HOT POTATO IN THE BACK OF YOUR THROAT.
AHHH.
AHHH.
HEY, LOOK, THE REVEREND MAYO IS HERE.
REVEREND.
OH, LOOK WHO'S HERE.
BLESS YOU, CHILD.
YOU'RE JUST WHA THIS COMMUNITY NEEDS-- GOOD, HONEST, YOUNG MATHEMATICIANS.
CAN I GET AN "A"-MEN? AMEN.
THIS IS GREAT, SON.
NOW EVEN GOD KNOWS YOU GOT THE "A.
" WIENIE? UH, NO, THANKS.
I PUT YOUR SUEDE JACKE BACK IN YOUR CLOSET, WIENIE.
YOU DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE? NO.
I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS ANYMORE.
Michael: UH, LISTEN UP, EVERYONE.
I DON'T WANT US TO FORGE WHY WE'RE ALL HERE.
OUR BRILLIANT SON-- MICHAEL KYLE JR.
COME HERE TO ME, BOY.
NEVER BEFORE HAVE I BEEN SO PROUD TO HAVE HIM BEAR MY NAME.
THIS IS THE FRUI OF MY LOOMS HERE.
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, I DON'T REGRE THOSE 13 HOURS I SPENT IN LABOR.
WHO KNEW THIS BIG HEAD WAS FULL OF NUMBERS? I THOUGH SHE WAS HAVING TWINS.
IS THERE ANYTHING YOU NEED TO TELL ME? NO, DAD.
HEY, GREAT PARTY.
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, THEN, LET'S HAVE A WORD FROM THE GUEST OF HONOR-- MR.
MICHAEL KYLE JR.
GIVE US A SPEECH.
COME ON.
STEP UP HERE ON THIS TABLE.
NO, NO.
THIS IS MY FAVORITE CHAIR.
I WANT YOU TO STAND IN MY FAVORITE CHAIR AND TELL US WHAT IT'S LIKE TO GET AN "A.
" WELL HOLD ON A SECOND.
WHA WOULD THIS "A" PARTY BE WITHOUT THE MAN WHO GAVE YOU THE GRADE? LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MR.
GRIGLER, MICHAEL'S ALGEBRA TEACHER'S HERE.
SURPRISE.
SURPRISE.
MICHAEL JR.
, COME ON DOWN.
THIS IS YOUR LIFE.
[WHISTLES.]
JUNIOR, COME ON.
WE'RE GONNA BE LATE.
WOW, CLAIRE, THAT'S A GREAT JOB.
LOOK, YOU MISSED A SPOT, THOUGH.
HA HA HA.
COME HERE.
OH, LOOK A THE MAN OF THE HOUR.
Michael: THERE HE IS.
SO, HOW YOU FEELIN'? ALL THAT LYIN' TOOK A LOT OUTTA ME.
THAT'S RIGHT, SO WHA DID YOU LEARN FROM THIS? TO ONLY USE MY EVIL GENIUS FOR GOOD.
AND WHAT ELSE? NEVER MESS WITH A SUPERIOR INTELLIGENCE.
THAT'S WHAT I WANNA HEAR.
SO YOU READY? KNOW WHERE MY CAR IS? YES, SIR.
OKAY, BABY, I LOVE YOU.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
OKAY.
HAVE A NICE DAY.
UNH! HI-YO, JUNIOR, AWAY.
BUT WHAT'S HE GONNA LEARN FROM THAT? WELL BUT WHAT'S HE GONNA LEARN FROM THAT? WELL, FOR STARTERS DANG IT.
BUT WHAT'S HE GONNA LEARN FROM THAT? WELL, FOR STARTERS HE'LL LEARN HOW TO SI WITH HIS BUTT IN THE AIR?