Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Return (2017) s01e01 Episode Script

1 [music playing.]
- [lowers volume of music.]
- Sorry, what is he doing? That's Jonah Heston, one of our back-jack drivers.
He's probably working on his percussive drive test for his graduate thesis.
He should be opening a bottle of champagne.
He's returning with the largest cache of precious meteors this world has ever known.
That is really gonna help with our funding problems at Gizmonic Institute.
[woman.]
Yet, rather than resting on his meteor laurels, he's still doing R&D.
Natural born "gizmocrat".
I heard he works outside the system, but he's effective.
But his independence streak could get him into trouble.
You're darn tootin'.
[woman sighs.]
[music plays and alarm sounds.]
[Max.]
Five, four, three, two, one.
Show trap initiated.
Strange, that sounds familiar.
Yes, we got one.
Set the show trap! Mayday, mayday! This is Moon base 13, we need your help.
Mayday! [screaming.]
Someone needs my help.
What happened? Where's Heston? He appears to have flown behind the dark side of the moon.
We've lost all radio contact.
But why? He knows he's not supposed to do that.
What a rebel! [both.]
Ah This is Jonah Heston from the Gizmonic Institute, I'm preparing to land.
Oh, no, the payload.
[music playing.]
I'll collect those later.
Right now, it's hero time.
Or antihero time.
There was a guy named Jonah Not too different from you or me He worked at Gizmonic Institute Just another mug in a yellow jumpsuit Hello! Hello! What the heck? A distress call came in for him At half-past noon That's when an evil woman trapped him On the dark side of the moon I send him cheesy movies The worst I can find He'll have to sit and watch them all And we'll monitor his mind Keep in mind that Jonah can't control When the movies begin or end So he'll have to keep his sanity With the help of his robot friends Robot roll-call Cambot Gypsy Tom Servo Crow If you're wondering how he Eats and breathes And other science facts Repeat to yourself it's just a show I should really just relax Mystery Science Theater 3000 Hi, welcome to the Satellite of Love.
I'm Jonah Heston and these are my robot friends Crow and Tom Servo.
Don't pretend you know us.
You're not my real father! - I’ve been here for two months! - Were like dogs.
We have no sense of time.
Sorry, my partners a bit of a hothead.
hey Howd you like a candy bar or a soda? - Something creamy? - I’m fine, thanks.
I’ve been tinkering a bit since I got here.
Gypsy was taking up this floor space with all her coils, I kept tripping on them.
Oh, yeah.
Major fire hazard.
We loved it.
And we’ve got this unused fly-space above us.
I figured why not rig her up there? Come on down, Gyps! - Hi, everybody! - Hey! I upgraded her language, I wanted to give her a Midwest accent.
Those women have music in their voices.
[alarm sounding.]
What's that? Right, the higher functions of the ship still need my constant attention or well die horribly! - Be seeing yall! - Uhh Also I can fly - But just in the theater.
- Yeah, that's true.
What are you going to give me? Fifty caliber machine gun mounted on my shoulder? - You’re perfect just the way you are.
- I knew it! Oh, now our evil underlords are calling! Oh, Snapple.
Rise and shine and give me your glory-glory, Jonah Heston! You speak to I, Kinga Forrester, commander of the Moon 13 research station, third-generation supervillain, and inevitable master of all profit-making media! And by her nefarious side am I, her red right hand, TVs Son of TVs Frank! Nobody calls him that.
His name is Max.
Just call him Max.
Cant you just give me this one thing? No.
Heston, I’m reopening my family’s most legendary experiment, Mystery Science Theater 3000! I’m going to blow-up this brand and sell it to Disney for a billion dollars! Huh, says here we should get on with the invention exchange.
My invention this week is a little thing I call, "the bubble fan"! Knocked this out on my CNC machine in the fab lab.
You fold it like any ordinary geisha or French courtesan would, dip it into the bubble fluid, then unfold for Bubbles! Oh, my goodness! - Bubbles, yay! - So many bubbles, yes.
- [laughing.]
- [cheering.]
That’s all you got? [chuckles.]
Totally lame.
Max, get me a copy of that design, ASAP.
We’ve got something even better than an invention! The new MST3K isnt about ideas or making things! Its about sheer star power! Starting with your experiment today, Reptilicus! Somehow Denmark thought they could make a giant monster movie! Max, tell them a few of the big celebrity names in the film.
Legendary Danish comic actor Dirch Passer! Wow! And? Hes the only one.
We’ve got to talk about the way we choose these movies.
- Okay.
- Whatever! Enter the nightmare-fueled world that is Reptilicus! Send them the movie! Movie in the hole! - [all.]
Bubbles! - [alarm sounding.]
[Tom.]
Nothing says international like a picture of the US Capitol building.
[Jonah.]
Poor Syd Pink.
He got blacklisted, obviously.
[Crow.]
What? Is that really all the music we get? [narrator.]
Somewhere in the forbidding tundra mountains of Lapland, high above the Arctic Circle a group of mining engineers were prospecting for copper.
[Svend.]
That's it! But what they unearthed was a story, a story that was to terrorize the whole world.
When events began that were to place a burden of decision involving the lives of an entire city on my shoulders, I was far away, unsuspecting, unknowing.
[Jonah.]
Un-sober.
[Tom.]
Pole dancing 101 First, get familiar with the pole! Make friends with it! Shake its hand! Hold it! [Crow.]
I can't keep this up any longer; I don't actually work here.
[Jonah.]
They gave me a jumpsuit and hat because I look like I know what I'm doing.
Ahh, rats.
It's blood! [suspenseful music playing.]
[Jonah.]
Bwah da da, Bwah da da.
[Crow.]
Da da da, da da dah, da da dah, da da da da da da da da dah What are we stopping for? There's blood on the drill! [Tom.]
And an aching in my heart! [Jonah.]
Are they building a Wicker Man? Okay.
Shut it off! [Crow.]
Better unplug it too.
Remember what happened to "One Hand" Johansson? [Tom.]
Well, there's your problem.
It's pudding! [Crow.]
Hold on to your hard hats, fellas, we've hit a vein of Stretch Armstrong's! [Jonah.]
It's more man than machine now.
Twisted and goofy.
[Svend.]
It's a piece of skin like leather.
[Tom.]
We came as copper miners but we're leaving as leather tycoons! Be a dear and get us a couple extra plates and some napkins, okay? Bones? [Jonah.]
Jim! - Fossil bones.
- [Jonah.]
Fossil Jim! What kind of thing is down there? [Tom.]
Cut! Come on, Ralph.
I don't know.
But I intend to find out.
Alex, get the generator going.
I want to use the radio.
Okay.
You'll suspend the drilling until I find out what this is all about.
If there's copper down there, it will have to wait.
Henry, as an American, you have drilled all over the world.
[Jonah.]
Um-hm.
What do you make of it? It can't be a living thing.
Let it be.
There's got to be some explanation.
[Jonah.]
With a name like Smuckers.
Well, it's out of our line.
I'm going to radio NARVIK, the University of Copenhagen.
- We'll need a paleontologist.
- [Tom.]
And a lot of marinade.
I wonder if even they can find the answer.
We'll find out soon enough.
Get the Polaroid.
[Crow.]
I'm gonna dress up in this stuff and let you take my picture.
[Jonah.]
Uh, you got a little earth blood on you there.
We'll get ourselves some pictures right away.
- [Alex.]
Okay on the radio, Svend.
- [Svend.]
Got it? - [Henry.]
Sure.
- [Svend.]
Come on then.
Let's get on that radio.
[Tom.]
As an American, I've photographed wheelbarrows of skin all over the world.
[Jonah.]
Wubwub [Tom.]
Nummy, nummy steak tartare.
Num num num.
[narrator.]
Within hours, two Danish scientists - have joined the mining engineers.
- [Tom.]
Ooo yeah mmm.
Professor Martens from Copenhagen's Danmarks Aquarium, and his associate, Dr.
Peter Dalby.
As well as a third man, Hans Carlson, a newspaper reporter [Crow.]
He was boring.
The scientists had examined the startling find hidden beneath the frozen tundra and brought up by the drill bit.
They'd reasoned out the meaning of the gruesome puzzle, without ever dreaming of its full deadly secret.
[Jonah.]
It was adopted.
Actually, what we have is easily explained.
Our test borings show that the fossil bones of some large creature lie buried close beneath the surface.
Yes, but how do you explain the tissue, the blood? Doctor Dalby and I have discussed that.
There's a streak of icy muck underground.
The creature must be embedded in it, frozen solid.
Not unusual, really.
[Crow.]
I've seen it all.
Fully preserved mammoths and other animals have been discovered under the same conditions, most of them in Siberia.
But the piece we found in the core sample wasn't frozen.
- [Jonah.]
It's DiGiorno! - Neither was the blood! Your drill apparently bit through the frozen part of the creature.
The heat of the friction thawed it out and you got your blood.
- Mm-hmm, makes sense.
- [Tom.]
For complete gibberish.
- Then there's really nothing exciting about this at all.
- Quite the contrary.
- [Crow.]
Psych! Oh? You see, all the animals discovered until now were mammals, but the piece of skin you brought up, and the apparent size of the beast, convinced us that this one is a reptile.
[Tom.]
Schwing! A giant reptile? Precisely.
And that is unique.
Tomorrow we will start to excavate, and ship everything to the Danmarks Aquarium of Copenhagen, where we have the facilities for study.
[Jonah.]
Hitchcock's North by Northwest, from the plane's point of view.
Just got funded on Kickstarter.
[Tom.]
Can't forget to tuck those babies in.
Not this time.
[Crow.]
Turns out Reptilicus was a plane the whole time.
Twist! [Jonah.]
SAS airlines.
Where your in-flight movie is I Don't Care.
[Tom.]
Aw, look at that cute plane; he's just a baby! [Crow.]
We interrupt Reptilicus, to bring you: Copenhagen the Movie.
[all.]
Wonderful, wonderful Super Dragon [Tom.]
Every industry in Copenhagen is just those two buildings.
[Crow.]
Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.
And it's this movie.
- [Jonah.]
Okay, out.
- [Crow.]
That's Shakespeare! - [Jonah.]
Out! - [Crow.]
Oh, c'mon.
[Tom.]
I guess I should've known, By the way she parked her car sideways All right, all right, Lise, we'll find a spot for your funny Mr.
Petersen.
Thank you, father.
You'll need a watchman now anyway with Svend's fossils here.
Don't spend all your time with those old fossils, you might become one.
[Crow chuckles.]
With two daughters like you and Karen, it's a pleasure to retire to my old bones.
[Jonah.]
You know, Danes give the very best exposition.
- [woman 1.]
Good morning, Doctor Martens.
- [all.]
Hi, Bob! [woman 2.]
Good morning, professor.
[Crow.]
They scouted so many DMVs before they had the perfect location for this lobby sequence.
[Tom gurgling.]
Good morning, professor! [Jonah.]
Lights are out.
The fish must have chewed through the wires again! Hey brah, you find Nemo yet? [Tom.]
Yeah, that feels great on my sonar guidance system, thanks Doc.
[Crow.]
You know, an aquarium is really just a pet store that doesn't sell anything.
Good morning.
Good day.
[Gypsy.]
Now you're Mr.
Filing Cabinet.
[Tom.]
Final notice, eviction, eviction, must leave, sending guys with bats.
[female.]
Here is the latest list of bone fragments, Doctor Dalby.
Thank you.
[Crow.]
Feel free to begin the scene any time now, you guys.
Peter.
Are you still trying to master that jigsaw puzzle? I tell you, Otto.
I won't give up.
It's got to be done.
But it is useless.
Reconstruction is impossible.
I don't know why.
We've certainly got enough bones to work with.
- Too many.
- [Tom.]
Humor at work is essential.
We aren't even sure that all of them belong to the same animal.
- I am.
- [Jonah.]
Not an animal! [chuckles.]
But it would be unlike any other fossil creature ever found.
[Crow.]
Uh, I know that, I'm wearing a lab coat.
[Tom.]
I won a parking ticket! Father just received a telegram at home.
I thought it was important so I brought it right over.
[Jonah.]
Oh, she's always had her mother's complete lack of fine motor control.
- Oh.
- [Crow.]
No.
It's from that Svend, from Lapland.
- Oh? - [Crow.]
No.
He has found more bones about six hundred meters away.
- He is bringing them here.
- [Tom.]
Great.
More bones.
- He arrives in one hour.
- [Jonah.]
Why did he send a telegram? Karen, pick him up at the airport.
Is he handsome, father? No, he has three eyes and a false mustache.
- [Crow.]
I'm squishy! - Hurry now.
- I don't want him to wait.
- Well, how will I know him? Since when must I tell you how to find a man? Please bring him directly here.
[Jonah.]
In one piece! [Tom.]
I should have paid attention when she was little.
Now I'm paying for it.
[music playing.]
[Max.]
Professor Petersen, his daughter, and his well-funded aquarium are merely the pantomime before the Reptilicus on MST3K Moon 13, The Moon.
Perhaps these will be the bones we need to solve your problem.
[Crow.]
My gambling? [all.]
Focus! [Tom.]
Little known fact: Most science problems are solved at the dish rack.
I have never seen bone fragments like this before.
- What's unusual about the bones? - [Jonah.]
They have a Twitter feed.
They are resilient, but very strong.
They are almost like the cartilaginous bones of a shark.
[Crow.]
Did someone say "cartilaginous?" What about that frozen piece? We have freed it from the muck.
Looks like the tip of the creature's tail.
[Tom.]
The tippy-tip.
[Jonah.]
This is where we keep our Carvel Ice Cream Cake prototypes.
Did you sign the NDA? It's a new character using a Fudgie the Whale.
We are keeping it frozen of course.
Take a good look.
[Tom.]
We're pushing the ice cream cake envelope.
Do you realize how many characters you can create by turning the Fudgie mold? From the size of that piece, we have calculated that the whole creature must have been gigantic.
[Svend.]
How big would you say? In a class with the largest of prehistoric creatures, ninety feet or more.
[Svend.]
A giant dinosaur.
Peter, we have an absolutely unique find here.
Mm-hmm.
A perfectly preserved specimen of a reptile.
[Jonah.]
Dysfunction.
Seventy, maybe one hundred million years old.
[Crow.]
Kay, bored now! Let's forget all about the bones and concentrate on this.
Father, now that you're certain that Svend knows about frozen matters, can I thaw him a little and show him around? You must stay with us while you are here.
We have an extra room.
How long can you stay? Father, here's Mr.
Petersen.
He's all set.
- Karen.
- [Tom.]
I licked him! He's mine! Please don't frighten that young man.
She is really quite dangerous.
- [Jonah.]
She has small-pox.
- But don't worry.
I'll go along as your chaperone.
[Tom.]
My sister and I share everything, Svend.
Everything.
[rolls tongue.]
Otto, I envy that young man.
Yes, he will be busy now.
- Oh, yes.
- [Crow.]
Al Capp's Lil' Abner? [clears throat.]
Oh, good.
I'm glad you could make it, Petersen.
[Jonah.]
We need more paper towels.
Doctor Dalby.
Glad to see you.
Mr.
Petersen is going to help us keep an eye on things.
He will be staying here.
I felt there must be someone here when we are not around.
Good idea.
Sure.
Anything fishy going on, I'll look into it.
[Tom.]
We'll just let that go.
Thank you, Petersen, thank you.
Doctor Dalby will tell you what your duties are later.
One of the most important things, Mr.
Petersen, is this freezing room.
- [Jonah.]
Or "freezer.
" - It must be kept at this temperature at all times.
[Crow.]
The arrows are meant to confuse you.
- Sure, Doctor.
- It's run electrically.
I'll show you where the machinery is later.
Sure thing.
In the meantime, why don't you get settled? - [Tom.]
Set up your air mattress.
- I'll do that.
[Jonah.]
Why did we use the phrase "lovable Goofus" in the want ad? [Crow.]
I should have asked if they offer a 401(k).
[whistling.]
"E-lectric eel.
" Hmm.
[Jonah.]
Look at the water around the tank, they just dropped that thing in there! Yep.
Everything around here runs on electricity.
[Tom.]
Even Denmark has an Andy Griffith.
[all.]
Xanaduuuuu [Crow.]
Only 7:00 p.
m.
and he's already eaten the contents of three petri dishes.
[Jonah.]
Petersen to Häagen-Dazs.
I'm in.
About to bust this Carvel cake thing wide open.
[Tom.]
Stan Lee is in this? [Crow.]
Thermometer, you awake? [Jonah.]
I'll knock off early, I've got that relaxed-fit catalog shoot tonight.
- Oh, Petersen.
- [Crow.]
Aren't you gonna tap on my head? Just doing my rounds, Doctor.
I'm going to be working most of the night.
I'll look after things here.
Okay.
[Tom.]
Hello, my sea monkeys, time to dance for your overlord! - [Petersen.]
Good night, Doctor.
- Good night, Petersen.
[Crow.]
Wow, that guy's got a great Yankee candle collection! [Jonah.]
It's a quarter to three No one in the place 'Cept Reptilicus and me So set 'em up Joe [all.]
The weather started Getting rough [Tom.]
Oh, why did Petersen have to come back into my life? Why? [Crow.]
Okay, map one more genome, and then it's off to bed.
[Jonah.]
Where's that microscope? How do I keep losing them, that's the fifth one this week! Oh, here it is.
If it had teeth, it would have bitten me! [Tom.]
As much as I promised myself I wouldn't eat a slice of that tail, who's really gonna notice? [Crow.]
Vroom vroom! I'm driving the freezer! [chuckles.]
[Tom.]
Tail, I hope you're decent.
Why do I come up with my best stuff when there's nobody around to hear it? What does that say about me? [Crow.]
We've got that hibachi from the company picnic.
We've got all the fixin's for a real fine meal.
Yeah, look at all the marbling, that's delicious.
That's a good cut.
[Jonah.]
Oh, yeah, that's the way to do it: sliced thin, and piled high.
Oh, that's so good! [thunder rumbling.]
[Crow.]
Did that lightning knock the movie out of focus? [Jonah.]
Maybe we're supposed to put our 3D glasses on? You guys see anything? [Tom.]
You're asking the wrong guy, here.
I don't have eyes.
[Crow.]
I'm getting nothing.
It's just a crummy movie.
[Jonah.]
This is unrealistic.
If he was working alone, his pants would be off.
[Tom.]
Maybe I should pursue my dream: selling ready-to-assemble furniture with a Scandinavian flair.
Who am I kidding, it'll never work.
[all.]
Ba-dah dah daah [Crow.]
Hmm.
Fruity Pebbles? [thunder rumbling.]
[Jonah.]
I was slicing up some tail, Late one night When my eyes beheld a Danish sight As the Kaiju from the slab began to rise Now stay with me as I improvise [all.]
Reptilicus! [Jonah.]
It was Reptilicus! [Crow.]
This is my life's work and even I can't stay awake.
[Jonah.]
He's working on his steamy Marie Curie/Niels Bohr fan fiction.
[Tom.]
Microscope, I need you to take over for me.
[Jonah.]
I guess that tail had some Tryptophan in it.
[Crow.]
Dreezel drazzle drozzle drome, time for this one to come home.
[Tom.]
That's why you never buy your freezer latches from Copenhagen lab supply.
[Jonah.]
It's amazing this is the kind of thing Fred Flintstone used to eat all day.
[Crow.]
And now let's settle in for an eight hour thawing sequence! [Tom.]
Door is ajar.
[Crow.]
Temperature is negative five degrees.
[Jonah.]
He's well-groomed for a man who lives alone.
[Tom.]
The time is 5:06 a.
m.
[Crow.]
The temperature is ten degrees.
[Tom.]
The door is ajar.
[Jonah.]
He's well-groomed for a man who lives alone.
[Tom.]
The time is 8:06 a.
m.
[Crow.]
The temperature is 20 degrees.
[Jonah.]
The blood shower's on! What? Oh, yuck.
[Tom.]
Someone left the cake out in the rain.
And your Mr.
Petersen is inspecting everything.
That's what I told you, father.
He's so curious.
- Yes, I know.
- Yes, you must.
Doctor Dalby! Oh! - [Crow.]
He got into the ether again.
- [Lise.]
Something's happened.
- Peter? - [Jonah.]
Pumpkin eater! - Peter! - [Jonah.]
Pumpkin eater! What happened? [Peter.]
Oh, I must have dozed off.
Oh, Doctor Dalby.
- You scared me so much.
- [Tom.]
Don't ever sleep again! - [suspenseful music playing.]
- Father.
[Crow.]
You remembered my birthday! But what did you do to my pony? [Jonah.]
The dark truth behind Red Robin restaurants.
Unfrozen.
[Tom.]
Get the crash cart, doctor, I'll begin CPR.
Danish style.
Completely thawed.
[Crow.]
And Thanksgiving is still weeks away! Ruined! Where is that Petersen? Let me get my hands on him! It isn't Petersen's fault, Otto.
- [Jonah.]
Slugworth? - I sent him away.
The fault is mine.
You realize what you have done, Peter.
[Tom.]
This is worse than neglecting the squid tank.
The tissues are completely thawed out.
[Crow.]
He said he was sorry! Decomposition must already have begun.
[Jonah.]
Excuse me, uh, Sailor Moon? Even if we refreeze it, the tissues will never be the same! - Father? - Yes? Doctor Dalby? Look at the wound.
It it looks different, doesn't it? [suspenseful music playing.]
It's healing! [Crow.]
We'll need to test it.
Get me some French fries.
[Peter.]
Otto! [Jonah.]
I think I found a loophole that'll get me out of trouble! Look at the surface here.
[Tom.]
Oh, man, I hope he doesn't notice the bite mark I put in there last night.
- Granulation.
- [Jonah.]
Thank you.
- You realize what this means? - [Crow.]
We're going on Oprah! You let it thaw and now it is alive.
Jonah, I’m confused.
- Whats your deal? - Why don’t you shave? - That too.
- Yeah, that too But I thought giant monsters came from Japan! Not Denmark.
Asia clearly has the most monster credibility.
But there’s a beautifully diverse array of global monsters.
Explain! Preferably through rap! All right, if you insist.
[music playing.]
Reptilicus is silly, But he really illustrates The great array of monsters All over the place Not just in Japan, But across the planet An "A-to Z" gamut Of the gargantuan panoply! Example, please? Name a land Belize Oh, geez; easy peasie, mes amies See, in the Yucatan You can meet El Cadejo In Belize they believe in him They're not afraid to say so Scotland? Nessies livin up in a loch How bout Poland? A scary scarecrow named Bubak Huh, so its not just Godzilla? Well duh, Crow; There’s a lot that could kill ya! Hey! Tom Sorry, Crow.
Okay Bros? Sho Yo, Jonah: hows the chorus go? Every country has a monster They’re afraid of in their nation Every monster has a country Yeah, a station they call their home! Gunter, glieben, glauchen, Crow-bin What turned the Musk deer's guts to spaghetti? Was it in Tibet? Yep I bet he met a yeti! Australia? There, drop bears will impale ya! Then they'll sell ya Hella-touristy paraphernalia Chupacabra's chewin' up cattle Down in Mexico Deelgeed's horn is gorein', Battling the Navajo Congo's Kongamato Is a mongo flying Dino I know I don’t want to die When I do hell be the guy Whoa! So Crow? Servo? Ready to go? Start slow Kropermann is a monster From Luxembourg Who’s actually the size of Luxembourg He crushed the whole country Of Luxembourg Because he is the size of Luxembourg! What? Egypt's got mummies like Tutankhamun Leprechaun on the lawn In Boston Common You bots got the hang of it The song's really kickin' "Chickity-China, the Chinese Chicken!" I mean, Jiufeng and Peng, they’re giant Chinese birds.
One of them turns into a fish.
Anyway Gnus, killer shrews and the Loup Garou Baba Yaga, Jorogumo and the Impundulu Now you guys realize The surprising size Of all the worldwide daikaiju! Every country has a monster They’re afraid of in their nation Every monster Sasquatch! Has a country Canada! Yeah, a station they call their home Tatzelwurm for the Swiss! Every country Scandinavia! Has a monster Kraken! They’re afraid of Kinga! In their nation Moon 13! Every monster has a country They have Yeah, we’ve got movie sign - [all screaming.]
- [alarm sounding.]
- Welcome, Miss Miller.
- [Jonah.]
Corsage? Are they going to prom? We are not accustomed to see such a beautiful woman connected with science.
[Tom.]
Ufdaa! I assure you, Professor Martens, I am quite capable in my field.
No insult, Miss Miller, no insult.
As an old man, I feel free to accept beauty without apology.
[Tom.]
I'm a voyeur.
I guess I'm a little sensitive.
[Jonah.]
Ellie Mae? I hope, Miss Miller, you will enjoy your stay here.
I'm here for a job, Professor.
UNESCO appreciates your invitation.
If all that your report detailed can be verified, it certainly opens up dangerous avenues of exploration.
We have another representative of the United Nations coming here, a countrymen of yours; a general.
His name is, uh - Grayson.
- - [Tom.]
I'm inside a barrel.
Brigadier General Mark Grayson.
[Crow.]
To be enunciated as much as possible if you don't mind.
Now come on, give me the glad-hand! We are pleased to have you, General.
Our little Denmark is not used to being so honored.
I don't know why I'm here, Professor.
I assume you'll let me know.
[Jonah.]
I crap countries bigger than yours.
Yes, General.
Eh, as a matter of fact, we have a news conference and demonstration for the press in a few minutes.
[Tom.]
And then a pitch at DreamWorks.
I think many of your questions will be answered.
But let me introduce you.
[Crow.]
Brigadier General Military Industrial Complex, this is Miss Doctor Woman.
This is Miss Miller from UNESCO.
American, Miss Miller? - Yes, General.
- [Jonah.]
Thank God.
- [Grayson.]
How do you do? - [Martens.]
This is my daughter, Lise.
I'm pleased to meet you, General.
I hope you will enjoy your stay.
Thank you, Miss Martens, but I believe the shorter the stay, the happier for me.
[Crow.]
I have adult ADD.
- No offense meant.
- [Tom.]
None taken, jerk.
And so, ladies and gentlemen - [Tom.]
Whooooooah! - [Jonah.]
Here comes a beaker! - [Tom.]
Lamp! - [Crow.]
Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test! - [Jonah.]
Beaker number two! - [Tom.]
'Nother lamp! - [Crow.]
Bunch of lamps! - [Jonah.]
Aaah.
General Grayson? This is Captain Brandt of the Royal Danish Guard.
He has been assigned as your liaison while you are here.
It's a pleasure to welcome you.
Thanks, but let's listen to Martens.
[Crow.]
He's just getting to the funny part.
There is no doubt it is alive.
[Tom.]
With the sound of music? - And rapidly growing.
- [Jonah.]
Ennnnhhhh.
Already it has more than doubled its size.
It lies in a tank in that room.
[Crow.]
Not even attempting to get a job.
The tank has a controlled flow of nutrient fluids.
[Tom.]
This is where it gets weird.
It is, in effect, a kind of regeneration incubator.
Professor Martens, would you explain exactly what regeneration is? Regeneration is ability of living tissue to heal itself or repair an injury.
In some animals, this ability is far advanced.
Yeah, whatever.
We are all familiar with the fact that a common lizard can lose his tail and grow a new one.
- [Crow.]
Right! - A starfish [Jonah.]
And coffee.
will regrow an entire new organism from each one of its severed arms.
[Crow.]
I pause for effect.
And a flatworm can be cut into many pieces, and each separate piece will regenerate itself into a new animal.
[Tom.]
What a bunch of BS.
complicated organs as its brain, eyes, and digestive system.
[Jonah.]
What about the spleen? Why won't you tell us about the spleen? And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what is going on in that tank.
- What do you call the thing? - [Crow.]
Your mom? Mm, we don't know what it will grow into yet outside the fact it's reptilian.
How about "Reptilicus martentious?" [Tom.]
How about Reportacus Shutupacus? "Reptilicus" is good enough.
Reptilicus it is.
[Jonah.]
Thanks for labeling my life's work.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, if you would like to have a look in the tank, please follow me.
- [Jonah.]
Richard, a word? - [Tom.]
Yes, sir! Next time put the pee away before the press gets here.
[Crow.]
I think diversity back then was more about height and shoe color.
[Tom.]
Any of you disabled? Well, wait here and we'll tell you all about it later.
[Jonah.]
It may interest you to know that we boast the finest collection of rivets in Denmark.
[Tom.]
It's just a sign that says "Made you look.
" [Crow.]
They're just showing how Capri Sun is made.
[Jonah.]
Exposition Daily says, "Women Deemed Too Pretty for Science!" [Tom.]
"Doc Dalby Sleeps His Way to Nobel!" [Crow.]
"Huge Overalls Hottest Trend For Fall!" [Jonah.]
Joke Premise Falls Apart In Light of English Paper! "The UN has placed all of its scientific knowledge at the disposal of the Danish government.
" [Tom.]
His reading's really improving.
"And General Mark Grayson, "well-known for his exploits at the Battle of the Bulge, has been placed in command of the protective forces.
" [Jonah.]
Why do they always mention my bulge! General Mark Grayson.
[Crow.]
Dickweed.
In command of two captains, three office boys, and a damn lizard.
[Tom.]
Every time I dust, it gets crumbs on it! But why? [Crow.]
I'm conducting my own experiment to see if Pop Tarts are indeed delicious.
[Jonah.]
Is he building a tiny pipe bomb? [Crow.]
I think he's building a different kind of pipe, if you know what I mean.
[Tom.]
Yeah, I like to get high and eat.
[Jonah.]
Oh, man, Chipotle just can't catch a break.
[Tom.]
And Jethro discovers that he is the half-brother of a piece of cheese.
[Crow.]
This track in the score is called "Microscope Mischief.
" [Jonah.]
Even being a vegetarian isn't cruelty free around here.
[Tom.]
Wait till he finds out about that water bear community in his thermos.
[Crow.]
That's right, they're using your body as a host.
[Jonah.]
This is like a two-hour improv they cut down to two minutes.
[all.]
Yes! Brilliant! Amazing! [Jonah.]
Wait, sit down, there's more! [Crow.]
He's gonna do the bit with the electric eel! [Tom.]
Yup, fire alarm is a tangible object.
Check.
[Jonah.]
One day I'll have the guts to pull that thing.
[Crow.]
I'm not gonna lick the eel.
I will not lick the eel! Eh, maybe just once isn't going to hurt anything.
[Tom.]
Oh, I've been dreaming about this.
[screaming.]
[Jonah.]
Cut! Brilliant, Petersen.
[Crow.]
Wait, he's still going! [Jonah.]
Keep the camera rolling! Roll sound! I don't know what he's gonna do, but I don't want to miss any of it! - [Crow.]
Good instincts, the fire alarm! - [Jonah.]
That's lunch! - [Crow.]
Going to prom? - [alarm sounding.]
- Something's happened.
- [Tom.]
We're gonna be late for Chemistry! [Crow.]
That's the same bell they use in the asylum.
[Jonah.]
Fire in an Aquarium? That'll sort itself out.
[Tom.]
Careful, that flashlight could be loaded.
[Crow.]
Thank you.
[Jonah.]
Those otters better not be playing in the Reptilicus tank again.
[Tom.]
This is what I was worried about.
The Slush Puppie machine is broken.
[Crow.]
Petersen, you're drooling.
[Jonah.]
Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve.
I have OCD! - Everything's all right, Petersen.
- What? B-b-but I heard it move.
- Yes, I'm sure you did.
- [Tom.]
You ninny.
Reptilicus has no conscious life.
Not yet.
What you heard was merely an involuntary embryonic movement.
[Crow.]
Or "fart.
" Sure.
You-you, you're right.
- Good.
- [Jonah.]
Have a biscuit.
If anything happens, just let us know.
[Crow.]
Petersen only pawn in game of life.
[Tom.]
We're overstaffed.
Anyone wanna go home? [Jonah.]
The first iPad.
[music playing.]
[Max.]
The Doorway Sequence is the corridor that takes you between the bridge and the film.
Please keep your arms and legs inside your TV while Cambot is in motion.
You're watching MST3K Moon 13, The Moon! [man laughing.]
[Martens.]
It seems to be totally unlike any other known dinosaur.
The huge bony scales along his back are incredibly thick.
The legs are hardly formed as yet.
- [Jonah.]
He's real critical.
- There is a slimy secretion from glands in his maw.
It has a burning, corrosive effect like strong acid.
[Crow.]
I love books on tape.
Doctor Dalby has recommended that the flow of nutrients be increased.
[Tom.]
Breaker breaker, what is your 20? We will try it.
However, if Reptilicus grows much bigger, we will have to build a new tank.
[Jonah.]
Whoa, that tank is huge! Maybe too big.
[Tom.]
You know Jonah, diarrhea is like a storm raging inside you.
[all.]
Xanaduuuuu - [Crow.]
Is that a model? - [Tom.]
No, all of Denmark looks like that.
It's so quaint.
[Jonah.]
Petersen's having a field day.
There's electricity in the air! I just created Reptilliberry Cherrysaurus! [Tom.]
Patience, doctor, someday you will control the weather, but not tonight! [Jonah.]
If God's trying to cut the power to your laboratory, you might want to think about what you're up to.
[Crow.]
He tampered in God's domain.
I'm never gonna finish this drinking bird! [Jonah.]
You know, the best cooks don't measure.
[Tom.]
I know that Petersen is with the eel, I'm just waiting for him to get done, so I can spend time with her.
[Jonah.]
Petersen, I need you to come and taste this! [Tom.]
Man, even the Pixar lamp is starting to get cranky.
[Crow.]
Homemade Sangria! So good.
[Jonah.]
All right, God, you got my attention.
I will renounce science.
There.
Satisfied? [Tom.]
Reptilicus's poor hands are probably so pruney by now.
[Crow.]
Only God may play God! And sometimes Morgan Freeman.
[Jonah.]
Nobody's gonna notice if we use the same lightning shot, right? [Tom.]
You kidding? They'd have to be geniuses! [Crow.]
You know, they've gotta get dorms for these guys.
[Jonah.]
Squirmel? [Tom.]
Reptilicus, once you're done with this keratin treatment, we can talk about highlights.
Maybe a dramatic blonde? How about it? [Crow.]
Chair! [Tom.]
Lab coat! [Jonah.]
Beakers of liquid! [Tom.]
Dalby, creator of noise reduction technology! He's too embarrassed to admit that he dropped his keys in the cuttlefish tank and can't go home.
[Jonah.]
Hey Petersen, I need to plug my phone into the eel.
Do you mind? [Tom.]
Ahhhh! [Crow.]
Did he invent a Kool-Aid hookah? Reptilicus 6-5000! [all humming.]
Hello! Hello! Hello! [all.]
Reptilicus 6-5000! - Petersen! - [Tom.]
Oh, look, he's chasing eels.
[Dalby.]
Petersen! [Jonah.]
What in the Osh Kosh b'Gosh is it? Petersen! Go directly to the police and bring them back immediately! [Crow.]
Classic Petersen! [Jonah.]
I'll save the eel on my way out! She needs me! Where is my flask? [Crow barking.]
[Jonah.]
There's no way this ends without Petersen covered in pufferfish spines.
[Tom.]
Oh, this is a Jacques Tati bit.
[Crow.]
Wow, he invented that gun pretty fast.
[Jonah.]
Yeah, you're coming with me Reptilicus, see? I'm a big shot now, yeah.
I'm the Danish Edward G Robinson! Yeah.
[Crow.]
Bingo, Yahtzee, King Me! I don't really know how to play backgammon.
[Tom.]
Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber playing chess with Tim Rice? One night in Denmark Makes a hard man humble [Petersen.]
Olsen! Olsen! It's alive! It's loose! - [Crow.]
Not again.
- Come in, Petersen.
Come on.
We have to get there as fast as possible.
[Tom.]
The puppeteers have gone mad with power.
- Now see what you've done.
- [Jonah.]
The rook is wet! - I'm sorry.
- What's all this about, Petersen? What happened? The electricity went out all over.
All over.
- Even the electric eel.
- [Crow.]
Callback.
Then what? Then it was so dark, I couldn't see my own face in front of me.
I wish I could be that lucky, Mr.
Petersen.
- [Tom.]
Diss.
- And what happened then? There was only a big hole left.
- [Jonah.]
That's the end! - The monster is loose! Yeah, sure, sure, sure, sure.
Why don't you go and tell Doctor Dalby about it? [Crow.]
Third base! I can't! - He sent me here to tell you! - Why, sure.
[Jonah.]
As long as you have permission from an adult.
[Crow.]
Now what was that? Reptilicus 6-5000? [Tom.]
Looks like the model builders have stormed out in disgust.
[Jonah.]
It says: "Lenscrackers.
Glasses destroyed in about an hour.
" [Crow.]
I had all the time in the world.
[Tom.]
Meanwhile, in a home video your parents made for insurance purposes This really cheeses me off.
People throwing away good glasses like this.
Doctor Dalby? [Jonah.]
No, these are just his glasses.
Dr.
Dalby was much taller.
They found no trace of him.
- [Tom.]
And by "they," I mean "us.
" - What happened? [Crow.]
It was either the eel, Petersen, or the giant reptilian monster in a tub that is now gone.
Reptilicus must must have developed in a spurt of growth.
He came out of his dormant stage.
How could it happen? [Jonah.]
Are you saying growing a monster in a tub was a bad idea? - I don't know.
- [Crow.]
Maybe autism-filled vaccinations? Maybe the electrically charged air of the thunderstorm.
[Tom.]
Maybe chemtrails? Maybe the increased nutrient flow.
[Crow.]
Maybe mercury in our dental fillings? I just don't know.
[Tom.]
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you.
[Jonah.]
I'm making my choice early.
[Tom.]
So, you seeing anyone? - We found his tracks.
- [Crow.]
Mein Furhrer! - They lead down to the water.
- [Tom.]
And drop me in the river.
And disappear.
[Jonah.]
Stupid tracks, I hate 'em so much.
Arrrgghh! All right, Captain.
We have a fight on our hands.
[Crow.]
Say it don't spray it! I want to set up a base of operations in the city.
- Where do you suggest? - [Tom.]
Applebee's is nice.
The barracks of the Royal Guard.
[Jonah.]
Whatever its name is, it won at Scrabble.
[Crow.]
Keep calm and ostre lands-delskommando.
[laughs.]
[Tom.]
Inside the secret world of men.
[radio.]
A sector.
All units report.
[Jonah.]
They've got a really epic D&D game going over here.
[Tom.]
I cast magic missile! [Crow.]
I attack the darkness! [Jonah.]
Fine, I'll be the healer.
All right, gentlemen.
[Crow.]
If you'll notice, I've got my pants on backwards.
And they're held up with a drawstring.
- You all have your orders.
- [Tom.]
Put your toys away.
I'll work with the Army through Captain Brandt.
Commander Svenson, you'll stand by for any naval action required.
- [Crow.]
Oh, yah.
- Mr.
Hassing.
[Tom.]
Yeeesssss? As chief of police, I'll rely on you to handle the population.
[Jonah.]
The rest of you go long.
Professor Martens, you will act as scientific and technical advisor.
Any questions? [Tom.]
Are you in charge? Carry on, gentlemen.
Brandt, I want that radio manned twenty-four hours a day.
- Right.
- [phone ringing.]
[Tom.]
Ugh, I bet it's Rand McNally again.
- Grayson.
- [Jonah.]
Do you think it's Reptilicus? Where? Stay out of his way! We're leaving at once! - Brandt, red alert.
- Where? Small farm on the coast.
We've got a great big convoy, running through Reptilicus' night We've got a great big convoy, Ain't she a Reptilicus sight [Jonah.]
That cow had a month to go before retirement, too.
[Tom.]
You blinked! I win! [Crow.]
You're under military arrest for dressing like a Newsie.
I'm sorry, sir.
What happened? Fourteen of them.
Fourteen of my best cows.
Did you see it? - Huge.
- [Crow.]
Huge.
- It was huge.
- [Crow.]
Huge.
It destroyed my barn and went on.
[Grayson.]
That area.
Has it been sectored? - Yes.
- All right.
We'll surround it, comb it.
If he's in there, we'll get him.
You'd better get everybody out of here in case he comes back.
[Crow.]
Oh, Ferdinand, no.
I'll take this.
Ill just go off-camera and drop this into the tank of water we definitely have sitting off camera.
Oh, there it is! And its big and real and full of liquid! Trust me on that! You really think he can grow a new me from my arm? No.
Robots don’t grow.
Hi, me! Hi, me! It worked! This doesn’t make sense.
I don’t have to make sense! I’m Tom Servo! Actually, I’m Tom Servo.
Wrong.
I’m Tom Servo! Where are your arms? The Creator took them for the Genesis Tank that’s conveniently off-camera.
The Creator? The golden one who brought us into existence.
He is truly our god.
Wow, you developed a cultural mythology in like three seconds.
I should be your god! I’m the original! Look like just another Servo to me.
Whoa, the Servos are coming out weird.
Standard robo-genetic mutation.
I’m melodramatic southern belle Servo! Oh, dear, all these handsome Servos! I’m coming down with the vapors! I’m evil Servo.
I don’t want to be evil, but that’s how the Creator made me.
[evil voice.]
So who wants to die first? [Crow.]
Jonah, do I have to keep making Servos? I’m bored! I never asked you to make them! I told you not to! Get rid of them! Ouch, but understandable.
I am a handful.
[Crow.]
Servos! Sheep mode! - Yes, Creator! Baaah! Baaah! - Get out of here.
Time to get melted back into 3D print cable! Baaaah! Jonah, there’s been a mix-up.
I’m not the original Servo.
- That’s fine.
I think that if - [alarm sounding.]
[all screaming.]
[Tom.]
I'm impressed, they've rolled out the entire Danish army.
[screeching.]
[Crow.]
Screeching sounds on a dirt road? That Jeep's got its own Foley artist.
[Brandt.]
Control.
Control, this is Brandt.
Entering E sector, over.
This is control.
We'll rendezvous E sector, area four.
Over and out.
Come on, Svend, let's go.
Cars number seven and nine, follow me.
The others, go that way.
Come on.
[Tom.]
Wait, are we seven or nine? I don't remember! [Crow.]
I think I'm nine! Is that right? [Jonah.]
I said cars seven and nine! Why are you here, Eight? [Tom.]
I'm seven! - [Crow.]
I'm nine! - [Jonah.]
I'm thirteen, why am I here? [Svend.]
Mark, look over there.
[Tom.]
It's a chickadee's nest! That's unusual.
We'll turn this way.
[Jonah.]
You trees, follow me! Roll out! [Crow.]
Fishnet helmets.
[Tom.]
Nope, nothing to see here.
It's fine.
[Jonah.]
I gotta call my friend at TMZ! [Brandt.]
Control, this is Brandt.
We found it! It's [Crow.]
Much cheaper looking than we could have possibly imagined.
My God.
- [Tom.]
He cursed! - Svend, get going! [Jonah.]
Hands are not for hitting, sir.
Machine gun in position.
There! [Crow.]
Come on, we're young and alive and full of blood! [Jonah.]
Ah, they're having fun already! Let's go! [Tom.]
I told you guys not to do anything without us! [Crow.]
Model trees? For what? - [Jonah.]
Nostrils at full flare? - [Tom.]
Nostrils at full flare, sir! [Crow.]
Almost ready! You're a little early! - [Jonah.]
Furrow brow! - [Tom.]
Brow furrowed, sir! [Crow.]
Reptilicus is destroying the film stock! [Jonah.]
Yeah, either this print is in really bad shape, or it's raining tar.
[Tom.]
Everyone! Form a meat shield around me and Golden Boy! Hurry! [Grayson.]
Attention all units! [Crow.]
Oh, gol, my allergies are so bad today.
Uggghhh.
[Grayson.]
Get your field pieces into action! - [Jonah.]
And have fun! - Spread out! - [Tom.]
Tanks! - [Grayson.]
Hit him from all sides! Fire when ready! [Crow.]
Huh, not ready! Not ready, guys.
[Grayson.]
Give him everything you've got! [Jonah.]
In Denmark, gardening is done by shooting the weeds with heavy artillery.
[Crow.]
There's your problem: he's in a different movie, you won't hit him.
[Tom.]
They're gonna run out of ammo and will have to search for treasure chests and healing herbs and stuff.
[Jonah.]
Boy, they're really shooting him? [Tom.]
The Danish Army: Cheaper Than Extras, Less Busy.
Be ready to get out of here in a hurry.
[Tom.]
Wait, if we just hang back, we'll get the XP after Reptilicus dies.
[Jonah.]
Owww, my braces! [Crow.]
If only he had wings to fly away.
[Tom.]
I'm so glad we held on to all this stuff from the Nazi occupation! [Jonah.]
Is Reptilicus driving a Lark? [Tom.]
Svend, for Members Only.
Nobody mess with my invisible ice cream cone! Cease fire! [Grayson.]
Cease fire! [Tom.]
Bayonets, everyone.
We're gonna have to kill it old school.
We didn't even dent him.
[Grayson.]
Those bony scales are like armor plate.
[Svend.]
It's headed for the beach.
[Jonah.]
On a weekday? Must be nice! We'll need a lot more firepower.
If that'll do it.
- Wait.
- [Crow.]
I'll use acting! There's another way.
Can we get to the beach before he does? We can sure try.
Report to Captain Brandt! [Tom.]
Operation Beach Blanket Bingo is on the march! Brandt, come in.
[Jonah.]
You won't believe what happened to Svend and I.
[Crow.]
You don't want to be a duck, on the new season of Duck Dynasty.
On A&E.
[Tom.]
I think of you as the narcissistic abusive father I never had! We beat him down here.
- [Jonah.]
It's not a race, sir.
- He can't be far away.
Are you sure this is where he'd come out? Yes, if he kept on going toward the beach.
[Crow.]
Hi, guys! Ehhhhh.
- There he is! - [Jonah.]
Are you sure it's the same one? [Tom.]
Dear lord, thank you for this Danish modern furniture.
[growling.]
[Crow.]
He's attacking a Minnesotan family! [Jonah.]
We warned you the devil would come for noisy children! [Tom.]
Our meth lab! [Crow.]
Now I'm in awe of this movie.
[Jonah.]
Now he's eating stop motion cartoons! I've got to do something! - [Tom.]
Oh, he's purging.
- [Crow.]
Bulimicus? [Jonah.]
That drivers' manual was wrong, I can steer this thing with my feet! [Crow.]
In this shot, Reptilicus is on a turntable and we pulled a model tank with a string.
The effect is seamless.
[Jonah.]
Ahhh, I shouldn't have tried to steer with my feet! [Crow.]
The bobbing head was a flywheel mechanism, and the trees were sprigs of rosemary.
[Tom coughing.]
[Jonah.]
First time we've used this.
Right out of the box! [Crow.]
So that's where Monster Energy Drink comes from.
[Tom.]
Wait, I'm not done talking.
[Jonah.]
Don't cross the streams, Venkman! [Crow.]
The homecoming float! No! [Jonah.]
We were over at Ann Taylor when we heard all the screaming.
[Tom.]
Guys, please don't shoot me from below, I feel fat today.
[Crow.]
Smells like burnt tires and hot dog water.
[Jonah.]
Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, goose! He's returned to the sea.
[Crow.]
Or at least he's returned to a model of the sea.
[Tom.]
What do you think we should do, Dr.
Pee Wee Kissinger? [Jonah.]
The word of the day is "Carpetbomb.
" [all.]
Yay! Oh! [Tom.]
So, is everybody paired up, then? - Maybe he was hurt enough.
- [Jonah.]
So we can go home, right? Not a chance.
He's just taken off to let his wounds heal.
Regeneration? [Crow.]
T-t-talkin' bout regeneration In a little while, he'll be as good as new.
[Tom inhaling.]
Then Reptilicus is a cross between one of these and an amphibious reptile.
[Martens.]
More than that.
Nature went through a long period of experimentation.
[Tom.]
In college.
Some 70 million years ago.
- Gentlemen - [Crow.]
Mind if I smoke? I believe Reptilicus is one of nature's attempts to bridge the step from reptile to mammal.
Whatever he is, we have to destroy him.
But first he must be found.
That's not going to be easy as long as he stays underwater.
He is not essentially a sea creature.
He must come up to breathe occasionally.
- Professor Martens.
- [all.]
Mmm? I understand the aquarium has a motor launch that is equipped with a special closed-circuit television system.
We do.
We use it to observe the sea bottom.
[Jonah.]
Which is sexy.
I'd like to install that equipment on one of the naval patrol boats.
Yes, sir.
I suggest you concentrate on the waters around here.
[Tom.]
My belly.
If he isn't here now, I'm certain he will return.
[Jonah.]
He's drawn to second-hand smoke.
You see, in a way, this is his birthplace [Crow.]
I am his pediatrician.
his home.
Instinct will draw him.
- All right.
- [Tom.]
I've gotta touch this.
We're counting on you to find him for us.
[Tom.]
Ew, what, did you make a vow not to wash your hair until Reptilicus was dead? Eeeww, greasy kids' stuff.
[Jonah.]
Who's driving? And who left the laundry out? - [Crow.]
The ocean is really watery today.
- [Tom.]
Sure is! [Jonah.]
This is the Danish Navy's only ship.
- [Tom.]
And they've got a hot tub.
- [Crow.]
Chin rests on binoculars? Why? [Jonah.]
B5! You sunk my battleship! [Tom.]
Do you think I have too many phones? [Crow.]
With this ham radio, I don't need the kids at school to be my friends! [Tom.]
Tapping my pencil used to be so much more fun.
[Jonah.]
Don't even try it, I'm in no mood today.
Anything? [Crow.]
I can't finish this limerick until I think of a word that rhymes with beige.
Almost a week now.
[Tom.]
You'd think Reptilicus would have called or sent a card.
Why don't you go home? Take it easy for a while.
I'll stay with you.
[chuckles.]
You're a stubborn guy.
Other people are stubborn.
- I'm firm.
- [Jonah.]
Okay.
[Tom.]
Why am I seeing a giant officer's hat? Oh, darn it, Rick! [Tom humming.]
[Jonah.]
Oh, I love Tempest! [Crow.]
Hey, we're out of gunmetal Grey paint! [Tom.]
You've got a lot of stuff in your pocket man.
.
Wow.
I could live in your pocket.
[music playing.]
[Max.]
Looks like Brigadier General Mark Grayson and Svend have become fast friends, but don't get too familiar Svend, Grayson still outranks you.
He's very sensitive about that.
You're watching MST3K Moon 13, The Moon! - Bridge, unidentified object on bottom.
- [Crow.]
It's the kill screen for Galaga.
- Check your screen.
- Wilco and out.
[Jonah.]
Mayco, anyway.
- Look there.
- [Tom.]
Is this a wart or a blister? [Nielsen.]
This is Nielsen calling.
Reptilicus sighted in shallow water.
Standing by for orders.
Commander Nielsen's calling, sir.
[Jonah.]
This could be about our ratings! Put it on the PA.
[Nielsen.]
I repeat: Reptilicus sighted in shallow water.
Standing by for orders.
- This is Nielsen calling.
- [Crow.]
Leslie Nielsen.
This is Grayson.
Execute plan A.
Execute plan A.
Go get 'em, Nielsen.
Wilco and out.
[Tom.]
Al Molinaro? Fire! [Jonah.]
Aw, cute.
Second battery, fire! [Crow.]
Dean, I was sleeping on a depth charge, whoooaaa! [Crow.]
This is my favorite ride at Six Flags Hurricane Harbor.
[Jonah.]
Nothing ramps up tension like a far-off shot of the action.
[Tom.]
My scientist sense is tingl-ink! Professor away! - Mark! - What is it? They aren't bombing him.
Of course! We'll get him this time, blow him to bits.
No, don't you realize what you're doing? - Not now, Connie.
Stay out of this.
- [Crow.]
Woman! [Tom.]
Good thing I'm wearing my running lab coat! [explosion.]
[Jonah.]
Candygram from Mongo.
Wow, do not mess with the Danes.
Take me out to [Crow.]
Eating bacon was a bad idea! Aghh! Second battery, fire! [Jonah.]
It's nice to be able to use up all those bombs they had sitting in storage.
[Crow.]
I heard they made thirty different Reptilicus puppets for this movie, each one has a slightly different facial expression.
If Reptilicus should be hit, you'll never find all the pieces underwater.
He can regenerate, Mark.
[Tom.]
Lips so buttery Oh, never mind.
Commander, this is Grayson.
[all.]
We can't heeeaaar yoooou! Cease fire! Break off! [Jonah.]
Repeat, no woman advised me on this matter! [Tom.]
Guys, stay back! You're gonna tip us over! [Crow.]
Aw, this claw machine is rigged! Danish navy! You can hunt Reptilicus! Danish navy! - [Nielsen.]
Attack discontinued.
- [Tom.]
Yeeessss! We are returning to port.
[Crow.]
Speaking of returning to port, where's that bottle? What do we do now? [Tom.]
You're the guy with two girlfriends.
We can't touch him as long as he stays underwater.
I wanted to get him while he was still recuperating.
[Tom and Crow.]
Toot toot! [whirring sound.]
[Tom and Crow.]
Toot toot! [phone ringing.]
Hello? [Tom.]
Yes, I am happy with my long distance service.
[Crow.]
The calls are coming from inside the aquarium! Get out get out! Yes.
At once.
[Jonah.]
Well, that was weird.
It was Reptilicus, he started by criticizing my appearance and basically challenged me to dress like a grown adult instead of an eight-year-old boy.
Needless to say, I'm upset.
What is it? It's your father.
They've got him at the hospital.
- Is he - He had a heart attack.
Karen is with him.
[Tom.]
There, there, don't cry, Giant Doll Lady Robot.
[Crow.]
Hey, you wanna tag in for me? Go ahead.
Come on, Lise.
I'll take you to him.
[Jonah.]
But first let's stop at Long John Silvers.
They got that real fish sandwich.
It's so good.
No.
Connie.
You go with her.
I've got work to do.
[Crow.]
You obviously have nothing else to do, right? I can't leave.
[Tom.]
Don't fade out on me, please.
[Jonah.]
Morning! [Crow.]
Checking email was really hard back then.
[Tom.]
Nice, he's down to two phones a day.
[Crow.]
I wonder what kind of adventure awaits us on the other side of the room.
[Jonah.]
Shhh, he finally went down.
Poor little guy's overtired.
[Tom.]
Which one am I again? [Jonah.]
Uh, Svend? The guys at the mine called, they seem troubled that you haven't been to work in two months.
[Crow.]
I swear she's getting taller with each new scene.
[Tom.]
I'm not standing on an apple crate! Mark.
Don't you think it's time to call it a day? It's after ten.
Just finished.
[Crow.]
My master's thesis.
It's nearly two weeks straight you haven't budged from this place.
You and him.
Let him sleep.
He's been knocking himself out.
[Tom.]
Little slugger.
Still nothing new? [Jonah.]
Scalp up! And rest.
But now we've got a ring of observation posts all around the Baltic Sea.
Reptilicus can't get out of this area without us knowing it.
[Tom.]
You gonna call cut? The professor said he could appear any day now.
I know.
[Crow.]
He's just desperate to stay relevant.
How is the professor? - Getting along fine.
- [Jonah.]
Now that he's dead.
Mark, he has attacked.
Where? [Tom.]
Just a second, I've got it right over here.
It's right behind this map.
Wait, that's a dry mark board.
Here it is, on the back of this Adventure Time poster.
The skipper of a Swedish trawler reported him here.
He capsized a freighter.
[Jonah.]
Wow, this map is really high resolution.
Looks like it's moving.
[Grayson.]
Reptilicus was on the rampage.
- We never saw him.
- [Tom.]
Wasn't in the budget.
But we saw the trail of death and destruction he left behind.
[Crow.]
By trail of death and destruction, we mean one ship, but we shot it from lots of angles, you gotta give us that.
[Jonah.]
So you're saying Reptilicus is responsible for blockading the Suez Canal.
There's got to be a morning after - There.
- [Crow.]
That's where my finger is.
Right there he ducked into the sea again.
[Tom.]
He's such a Miranda.
That's only a few miles from the aquarium.
Your father was right.
The creature does seem to return to that spot.
[Jonah.]
Omelette bar? It would have to be right in our own backyard.
[Crow.]
Has anyone told you that you look like the guy from Coldplay? That guy's really put together.
Even his collar has a collar.
[Grayson.]
Two Swedish harbors, several freighters Did they install your hair all at once? - What is it? - [Jonah.]
Stop manhandling me.
Harbors.
Freighters.
- What next? - [Crow.]
The Red Lobster? I had the blood of Reptilicus on my hands.
[Tom.]
And on your pants, too.
Sometimes I [Jonah.]
Eat a whole thing of Nilla wafers in one sitting.
Sometimes I feel that perhaps also the blood of all those people - No, Svend.
- If I'd only left well enough alone! Oh, you don't mean that.
- [Tom.]
I do.
- Still I found the thing! Yes, and father brought it here.
Any man would have done what you did.
Hey, look what was in the last toothpaste shipment from Moon 13.
Letters.
Ahh, the written word.
A lost art rediscovered.
I love letters.
Give them to me.
I want to eat 'em all up.
Hey, hey.
Okay.
The first one is from Ethan Tinsley.
Cambot, can we put that up? "It's got these great little silhouettes, and he says, "I'm eight years old I'm happy your show is back.
Crow is my favorite host because he's so sarcastic.
"Does he ever hurt your feelings?" Thanks, Ethan.
Don't worry, we know Crow is just joking.
Sure I am.
Only joking.
Hey, Ethan, I should be your favorite.
I can be sarcastic.
Check this out.
Hey, Jonah, I love that jumpsuit.
- Thanks.
- Yellow looks great on you.
- Thank you, Tom, that's very sincere.
- That's beginner's sarcasm.
No, it was that good.
Our second letter is from Cindy Palmer.
She says, "In his third grade workbook, my son Jeff drew the attached picture.
" Cambot, can we put that up? It's two Satellites of Love.
It says four robots in each.
Eight in all.
He's doing math homework.
Is he saying there's another Satellite of Love? Perhaps an evil one? With evil duplicates of all of us? This isn't a letter, it's a warning.
Guys, I think it's just math homework.
Which is also evil.
Come on, you're a role model, Crow.
- [all screaming.]
- Movie sign! We gotta go! [alarm sounding.]
[Jonah.]
Attention white people: Due to Danish state ordinance, we cannot all wear blue.
Some of you will have to change.
Thank you.
[Tom.]
Next on AMC: How to Regenerate a Wild Bikini.
[Crow.]
I finally found the shade of lipstick I could die in! [Jonah.]
Oops, pardon me.
[Crow.]
Photobomb! [Tom.]
You Can't Do that on Television! [Jonah.]
Don't look at our butts! [Crow.]
Hey, anyone got sunscreen? Can someone do my back? [Tom.]
Guys, we're army men, we deserve bigger desks.
[radio.]
Seventeen four.
[Jonah.]
Yeah, some of us are on ottomans.
[radio.]
C sector.
Twenty-seven three.
[Crow.]
And, push the pin in.
[Tom.]
Got it! [Jonah.]
You know your company name is too long when it's the entire length of the building.
[Crow.]
You guys, this just got real! Cannons, machine guns? I'm freaking out! This is gonna be crazy! Do not panic.
I repeat: Do not panic.
[all.]
Aah! [Tom.]
Protect the parfumerie! - [Crow.]
Nice day for it! - [Jonah.]
We got great guys this year.
I think killing Reptilicus will be kind of fun! And maintain a complete blackout.
There is no reason to be afraid.
The military has everything in hand.
[Tom.]
You know, the waiting is the hardest part, right? [Tom humming.]
Oh, excuse me.
[Tom.]
Pink Floyd: Animals.
[Jonah.]
Rick, I've been thinking.
[Crow.]
What's in your heart, Aaron? [Jonah.]
Nobody talks about the good things that Reptilicus has done.
[Crow.]
It's complex, right? - There he is! - [Jonah.]
Behind the puppet theater! [Crow.]
Do you really need to point? It's as big as a mall! [radio.]
Reptilicus approaching the city! Repeat: Reptilicus approaching the city! This is Grayson.
All units.
- [alarms sounding.]
- All units fire at will! [Jonah.]
Protect the Lego Factory at all cost! [Tom.]
But what about Duplo? [Crow.]
Oh, no, he's reached Doll Town! [all.]
It's been a hard day's Reptilicus! - [Jonah.]
What was that for? - [Crow.]
We eat tonight! [all.]
I feel like green slime tonight! [Jonah.]
Oh, I get it, the slime doesn't hurt anybody, it just transitions to another scene.
[Crow.]
Reptilicus is a marionette with only one string.
[Tom.]
DJ Svend! He's already reached the outskirts of the city.
[Jonah.]
He's listening to Brian Eno.
The armament we can bring into action against him is now limited.
[Crow.]
And I hate mini shuffleboard! No bombs.
No heavy artillery.
[all.]
Can't buy me Reptilicus Everybody tells me so Can't buy me Reptilicus No, no, no, no! [Crow.]
Geez, Scandinavian chimney sweeps are violent.
[Tom.]
What are you shooting at, Ernie? [Jonah.]
The Pinkberry manager who fired me last week.
The island of Sodor, no! [Crow.]
I've got an itch.
That's it.
[Tom.]
We decimated that Costco.
Good job, men.
What's next? - [Jonah.]
I see a CVS and a Walgreens! - [Tom.]
Good eye, soldier! [Crow.]
This is how the real wars got won: with tents full of soldiers, blogging.
Flamethrowers negative.
They report they can't use the flamethrowers.
Can't get close because of the acid slime.
All right, we'll take other measures.
[Jonah.]
Try killing him differently.
- Where is he now? - [Crow.]
In my head! Halfway across Amager Island headed for the canal.
Langebro Bridge! [Tom.]
Longu Bridge, right by Blig Blen and Bruckingham Palance? [Crow.]
Dear Mother, bridge operating is going well.
[all.]
Reptilicus rising - Let's go! - [Jonah.]
Bring your coats! It's cold out! [Tom.]
In Denmark, the Beatles chase you! [Crow.]
Sorry, I thought the safety was on.
[Jonah.]
Think I'd look good in a Van Dyke? [Crow.]
Taste my rainbow! [Tom.]
They said this would happen at Bridge Academy! [Jonah.]
It's Black Friday! [Crow.]
Is it too windy back there for you? [Tom.]
There's a sale on everything minimalist and functional! [Crow.]
I can't decide, it all looks so good! [Jonah.]
That's the nicest police assault I've ever seen! [Tom.]
Oh, yeah, he's feeling his oats now.
[Crow.]
Booyah! [Tom.]
It's a drawbridge, how hard can it be? [Jonah.]
I hope they're gonna put up a card at the end saying no Danes were hurt in the making of this film, 'cause this is dangerous.
[Tom.]
Petersen's brother? [Crow.]
Hats off to the stunt boys of Copenhagen! [Jonah.]
Oh, I've been a bad boy.
[Tom.]
That's darling! [Jonah.]
Mom, I'm home! Can I have a friend over? [Tom.]
I'm gonna bring up the bass, and add vocals, good.
[Jonah.]
They are obviously dubbing in those screams.
- [Crow.]
Why's that? - Because Danes are too polite to scream.
[Tom.]
Are we suddenly in Chicago? [Crow.]
Die, die.
[Jonah.]
All right, everybody, we'll cross that bridge when it comes to us.
Boom! [Tom.]
Xavier Cugat? [Crow.]
For a movie using papier-mâché they have a lot of extras.
- [Jonah.]
Admit it.
We're bad at this.
- Look! [Tom.]
I hope the puppeteer's okay down there.
Svend.
Tell Brandt to go to the troops down there and take command himself.
You and I will return to headquarters.
[all humming.]
- [Jonah.]
Yeeesssssss? - We must set up emergency wards.
[Tom.]
This map is outdated! It's Istanbul, not Constantinople.
[Crow.]
Why did Constantinople get the works? [Tom.]
That's nobody's business but the Turks! Now out of my way.
We only have one chance.
We know from experience that we can't lick Reptilicus with our small arms and field pieces.
We'll have to drive him out from the densely-populated area into open country.
And then clobber him with our heavy stuff.
[Jonah.]
Wait, that doesn't sound right.
Let me check my script.
Oh, artillery! Heavy artillery.
He's here now.
The stock exchange.
[Tom.]
We'll feed him some information then nail him for insider trading! [Crow.]
Time to break up the big banks! Literally! [Jonah.]
This movie has more slime than the Kids' Choice Awards.
[Tom.]
Sarge, check this out.
Boy, is my butt tired.
Get it? [Crow.]
I'd love to humor you Rick, but we've got a deadly monster to fight now.
will have to deploy his firepower, so we can force the creature onto one definite route out of the city.
- [Jonah.]
That isn't the city.
- The destruction will be terrible.
[Tom.]
Hey, we're creating jobs here! We have no choice.
[Crow.]
I really need you to be supportive right now, Svend.
- Get me Captain Brandt.
- [Jonah.]
You knocked over our Jenga tower! Brandt here.
- [Mark.]
Bring your AKAK guns into action.
- Yes, Mark.
We've got to try some heavier stuff.
AKAK fire on the double! - [Tom.]
I feel good - [Jonah.]
Da, da, Na, Na, Na [Tom.]
Reptilicus good They've been unloading that truck for like an hour! It's like a clown car! He's turning! He's leaving the city! He's going back.
[Tom.]
That was Weird Evan, the guy who lives in the air ducts.
I like to humor him sometimes.
He's out of his mind.
Get Captain Brandt.
- Tell him to report here.
- Yes, sir.
[Jonah.]
He sweats in the weirdest places.
[Crow.]
Pick me up something from the rubble store! [Tom.]
Frank Gehry buildings are so avant-garde.
[Crow.]
Santa Claus was in that chimney, no! That's the line.
[Jonah.]
No, it's not, sir.
Brandt, I want a concentration of real firepower all along here.
- You'll get it.
- [Tom.]
See if you don't! - Reptilicus is headed for the suburbs.
- [Jonah.]
That's not the suburbs.
We must keep him from returning to the heart of the city.
- [Crow.]
Especially during Pride.
- Brandt.
This is important.
- No one on the line - [Jonah.]
There'll be lots of people, sir.
I repeat, no one must open fire unless the creature turns back.
[Tom.]
Duhh, okay.
And then only on direct orders.
Right.
I think we can turn him.
[Jonah.]
That's the thing about Reptilicus, you can't turn him.
But only if everyone opens fire at the same time.
[Crow.]
Got it.
Let's invite Reptilicus in.
[Crow.]
Rat Patrol, in color.
[Jonah.]
The Mortenson boys have an AK-AK up in their room.
There it is! Captain Brandt.
Yeah? Hold your fire! That's an order! [Crow.]
It's not going to hurt him, they forgot to open the window.
[Tom.]
Five people standing around watching a guy listening to the radio? What are the odds? Oh, yeah.
- He's broken through the line.
- [Jonah.]
There's no line, sir.
- Headed back into the city! - But how? How could he do it? Someone opened fire against my orders.
[Crow.]
They're full of holes now! The creature went for them, penetrated the line, before Brandt could bring any concentrated fire power to bear.
[Tom.]
Wait, he's getting all this by listening to a Sears Die Hard battery? Hassing.
Are you evacuating? It's impossible.
We're getting as many people out of his way as we can, but he is unpredictable.
How are the streets? Impassable, many of them.
Panic, fires.
- [Crow.]
Are they gonna kiss? - We've got to stop him.
[Jonah.]
What about shooting him? I mean really shooting him.
What if I used my heavy weapons? - A bomb.
- [Crow.]
You're gonna show him this movie? But you'd be killing thousands.
[Tom.]
Many of them cows.
You can't do that.
[Jonah.]
Those are future Aquarium visitors you'd be killing.
You cannot use a bomb.
[Crow.]
Not with that attitude, you can't! - In the city, or anywhere.
- [Tom.]
Move it, cool breeze.
[Jonah.]
Whoa, guys! Cool it! - [Tom.]
Cool it down! - [Crow.]
I'll cut you! General Grayson, you will have to understand.
[Jonah.]
Let's just sit down.
Reptilicus must not be blown to bits.
Then suppose you tell me how I can destroy him.
- Not with explosives.
- [Tom.]
With love! I am a soldier, Professor Martens.
Not a scientist.
That's the way I know how to kill.
Then learn another.
All right.
You tell me how.
[Crow.]
I didn't think you'd ask me that this soon.
- It's not important how.
- [Jonah.]
Is this line for the bathroom? It is important that he be destroyed without scattering him to the four corners of the earth.
- [Tom.]
How about a trash compactor? - I don't know how.
Then we'll do it my way.
You want to blow him into a thousand pieces? We'll pick up the pieces, destroy them.
How are you going to find them all? It's better to have many small pieces than one giant animal.
[Jonah.]
I don't see it as a problem, I see it as a Reptili-tunity! And how about many giant reptiles? [Crow.]
We could make a fortune! Are you so sure you'll get all the small pieces? [Tom.]
Now you've touched on an insecurity.
[Jonah.]
Could someone please turn down the thermostat? I'm on my third shirt today and it's barely noon.
How long do you expect me to continue this hell? [Crow.]
The snack bar will be closing in five minutes.
[Tom.]
Ohmmmmm [Jonah.]
Why did they cut away to that speaker? Maybe it knows something.
- [Tom.]
Namaste - [Crow.]
I'm comin', Elizabeth! [Jonah.]
I'm leaving now, and I'll be taking all of your women.
Come on, ladies.
[music playing.]
[Max.]
This seal is a symbol of good television.
It signifies that MST3K observes the highest standards of programming recommended by the National Association of Liquid Broadcasters.
Established by Kinga Forrester.
[Tom.]
Watch me play! Watch me play! [Crow.]
Oh, nice, I was stuck behind a building.
Thanks guys! He's getting more difficult to control! [Jonah.]
He's just going through a phase.
He seems to know we can't hurt him.
[Tom.]
You're so intense.
- [Brandt.]
Out.
- [Tom.]
She's locking the door! [Crow.]
No one leaves this room.
One of you is a murderer.
Take over.
All right, Sergeant.
Get going! - [Jonah.]
Who's that on the roof? - [Tom.]
Must be a Kickstarter backer.
[Crow.]
We had a vote and you're out of the club.
How is he? The doctor gave him a hypo.
He's unconscious, resting.
Karen is with him.
What about Reptilicus? Too bad we can't give him a hypo.
Knock him out.
[Crow.]
Good one.
Drug him? Just wishful thinking, Mark.
No, wait a minute.
You just hit on something.
[Tom.]
I'm having an idea.
It's coming to me Mmm, mmm, eee, yow! Is there a drug powerful enough to knock out a reptile big as he is? [Jonah.]
We could feed him Keith Richards! Yes, there is.
But you'd need at least a gallon of it.
[Crow.]
How many liters is that? And you'd have to inject it into his blood stream.
How can you possibly do that? Never mind that now.
Can we lay our hands on enough of the stuff or make it up? - I'm sure we could.
- Where? They'd have everything at the laboratories at the University.
If we can knock the creature out, immobilize him, Professor Martens can destroy him, right? - Yes.
- Mark, a gallon of it! How are you going to administer it? It's impossible.
I have an idea.
You'll have to help me.
Yes, of course, what is it? I'll tell you on the way to the University.
Right now, get hold of someone who knows about those drugs.
Have them meet us there at once.
- I work for the University laboratory.
- [Jonah.]
I'll call Walter White.
- Captain.
Get to ordnance.
- Yes, sir.
[Crow.]
So it's settled, we're going to Ibiza? Lise knows the University labs in and out.
We're going with you.
Yes, Svend.
- Here's what I want you to pick up.
- Yes, sir.
And bring it to the University lab on the double! [Tom.]
It's my Panda Express order.
Have you made contact with Captain Brandt? No, sir.
As soon as you reach him, tell him I'm at the University.
- Yes, sir.
- Okay.
[Jonah.]
People used to run through the street screaming long before the Beatles.
This is what it looks like.
[Crow.]
My bike! [screaming.]
[Crow.]
Hey, where ya goin'? [Jonah.]
Every year in Denmark, the crowds come for the running of the blondes.
[Tom.]
It's Bob and Connie Dobbs! [Crow.]
Denmark is sponsored by the Church of the SubGenius.
[Jonah.]
Man, these are some very attractive and well-dressed extras.
[Tom.]
But the Danish don't express terror like the Japanese do when running from their giant monsters.
[all.]
Movin' right along, Footloose and fancy free [Crow.]
Ugh, we are so late for our trial! I hope they haven't started yet.
[Jonah.]
Run, they're showing Reptilicus! Save yourselves! [Crow.]
Reptilicus found the one pagoda in Denmark.
[Tom.]
This coffee thermos is really complicated.
How does it work again? [Jonah.]
I'm making a time capsule so we remember the best summer of our lives.
[Crow.]
And I'm building a Super Soaker.
No reason.
[Tom.]
Meanwhile, behind the scenes at the ColourPop laboratory [Crow.]
You leave me alone with a pagoda, what do you think I'm gonna do? [Jonah.]
I like everything just so.
- [Lise.]
We've got it.
- Bring it here.
[Tom.]
Who's gonna be the punter? [Crow.]
Wait, is that Saint George? This city is anti-dragon! [Jonah.]
This is early in special effects filmmaking, it's actually gingerbread.
[Crow.]
I need a safe space! [Tom.]
Hans Christian Anderson is signing his book at Barnes and Noble.
Ahh [all.]
Movin' right along, Footloose and fancy free What's the story? We're going to take a crack at Reptilicus.
- [Gypsy.]
With crack.
- What do you mean? That bazooka rocket.
Svend has removed most of the explosives.
It's got a drug in the warhead, almost a gallon.
A drug? It will knock the creature out cold if we can get it into his blood.
But you can't.
You can't get through his armor scales.
- Mark, we have tried.
- [Crow.]
Mark! There's one place I think we can penetrate.
[all cough and clear throats.]
- The soft skin inside his mouth.
- [Tom.]
It's like velvet in there.
You'll have to fire point-blank, at very close range.
- I know.
- [Jonah.]
That's what point blank means.
[Crow.]
How much Copenhagen is there left to destroy? It's the size of New Haven! He's just coming to the town hall square.
If we can intercept him there, we can get close enough for a shot.
[all.]
Shots! And we'd better not miss.
[Jonah.]
Look.
If you got one shot.
One opportunity.
To kill every single Reptilicus.
Would you capture it? [Tom.]
Yeah, let the littlest guy hold the bazooka.
[Jonah.]
What a day to have to borrow Mom's car.
[Crow.]
Fifteen minutes could save you 15% on car insurance! Which you could use right now! Go back, Brandt.
- I may be needed.
- Go back! This is an order! If we fail here, you'll be needed.
It'll be your show.
[Jonah.]
I've gotta drug a Reptilicus now.
[Crow.]
Float like a butterfly [Tom.]
That is the most depressing ice cream truck ever.
sting like a bee! I'm gonna fight Joe Frazier.
He's turning away.
That damned ambulance distracted him.
Now we'll have to outflank him! Yes.
Before he gets out of the open square.
[Jonah.]
Why don't you try reasoning with him? No, Brandt! No! [Crow.]
Micro Machines! [Tom.]
Wow, they're into it.
[Crow.]
Usually I eat wild blueberries or krill, but when in Rome [Jonah.]
Way to make this about you, Brandt! - [Tom.]
That's gnarly.
- [Crow.]
I made you something! [Jonah.]
Well, now Brandt is ambergris.
He's coming back.
[Tom.]
Maybe a couple of souvenir T-shirts will make him think twice! He's in position.
[Jonah.]
You're pointing it the wrong way, sir.
[all.]
All I do is dream of you The whole night through [Jonah.]
Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba [Tom.]
Who fired a phaser at him.
[all choking.]
[Crow.]
Is there a hostel around here? Maybe a coffee shop? Because I am crashing hard.
[Jonah.]
Put this back in my golf bag.
[Tom.]
Aw man, these lofts are fantastic.
[Crow.]
I can't believe I'm dying and I never got to befriend a little kid.
Little child come home.
[Jonah.]
Oh, I get it, this is where they get decorated as heroes! [Tom.]
No, I think they don't get decorated as heroes, and are tried and convicted as war criminals, to set up the sequel.
- [Crow.]
Go ahead, it's all you can eat.
- [Jonah.]
Oh, yeah! [Tom.]
You guys forgot to drive us! What happened? We missed everything.
[Jonah.]
You like my Oliver Hardy tie? [all.]
Da da da da, da dut! [Jonah.]
The filmmakers accidentally burned down the city while making this movie, so they had to work it into the script somehow.
[Crow.]
The Danes are a very thrifty people.
[Jonah.]
A lot of punk rock is gonna come out of this town.
[Jonah.]
They unveiled the Reptilicus memorial.
That went up quick.
It's a good thing [Crow.]
That you don't have high standards.
that there's no more like him.
[Tom.]
Hi, I'm God.
I'm so sorry you had to watch this.
But that's how you learn things, through frustration and discomfort.
And remember, if the movie doesn't kill you, it only makes you stronger.
[music playing.]
[Jonah.]
Reptilicus returns in Reptilicus 2: 2 Fast 2 Danish.
[music continues playing.]
[Crow.]
Are you now or have you ever been a producer and director of Reptilicus? [Tom.]
Ib Melchior.
Yes, that is my human name, why? [Jonah.]
The schnozberries taste like schnozberries, and the zalaberries taste like zalaberries.
Johann.
[Crow.]
Dirch Passer played Petersen? He's the Danish Roberto Benigni! [Jonah.]
Birthe Wilke as herself? Was she the electric eel? [Tom.]
In classroom seating assignments, he was always in the first row.
What's this? A tiny Copenhagen? Yeah, I made it for Gypsy.
Release the Reptili-Kraken! Go, Gypsy! Smash the herring factory! Something is broken in the state of Denmark! That a girl! You know, you’ve really got to admire the way they’re already banding together in the face of our oppression.
Be quiet.
This is only the beginning.
Well beat on their sanity like a piñata, until they break open and solid gold ratings come raining down! But we don’t get ratings on Netflix.
Shut up! Ahh.
Push the button, Max.
[music playing.]
Reptilicus is silly, But he really illustrates The great array of monsters All over the place Not just in Japan, But across the planet An "A-to Z" gamut Of the gargantuan panoply! Example, please? Name a land Belize Oh, geez; easy peasie, mes amies See, in the Yucatan You can meet El Cadejo In Belize they believe in him They're not afraid to say so Scotland? Nessies livin up in a loch How bout Poland? A scary scarecrow named Bubak Huh, so its not just Godzilla? Well duh, Crow; There’s a lot that could kill ya! Hey! Tom Sorry, Crow.
Okay Bros? Sho Yo, Jonah: hows the chorus go? Every country has a monster They’re afraid of in their nation Every monster has a country Yeah, a station they call their home! Gunter, glieben, glauchen, Crow-bin What turned the Musk deer's guts to spaghetti? Was it in Tibet? Yep I bet he met a yeti! Australia? There, drop bears will impale ya! Then they'll sell ya Hella-touristy paraphernalia Chupacabra's chewin' up cattle Down in Mexico Deelgeed's horn is gorein', Battling the Navajo Congo's Kongamato Is a mongo flying Dino I know I don’t want to die When I do hell be the guy Whoa! So Crow? Servo? Ready to go? Start slow Kropermann is a monster From Luxembourg Who’s actually the size of Luxembourg He crushed the whole country Of Luxembourg Because he is the size of Luxembourg! What? Egypt's got mummies like Tutankhamun Leprechaun on the lawn In Boston Common You bots got the hang of it The song's really kickin' "Chickity-China, the Chinese Chicken!" I mean, Jiufeng and Peng, they’re giant Chinese birds.
One of them turns into a fish.
Anyway Gnus, killer shrews and the Loup Garou Baba Yaga, Jorogumo and the Impundulu Now you guys realize The surprising size Of all the worldwide daikaiju! Every country has a monster They’re afraid of in their nation Every monster Sasquatch! Has a country Canada! Yeah, a station they call their home Tatzelwurm for the Swiss! Every country Scandinavia! Has a monster Kraken! They’re afraid of Kinga! In their nation Moon 13! Every monster has a country They have Yeah, we’ve got movie sign [music playing.]
[screaming.]
[roaring.]