Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Return (2017) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Be careful with that wiring.
Oh, hey, everyone.
I'm Jonah Heston.
Welcome to the Satellite of Love.
- We're helping Gypsy with some repairs.
- Incoming.
Oh, boy, yeah.
Sorry.
Hard to hold onto these when your body's just a tendril.
Watch those things.
I don't want to chip my sweet cherry finish.
Uh, let me catch one in my head.
I've never got to use my netting for its original intent.
- I don't think that's a good idea.
- I got it.
I got it.
Come on.
I got it.
Come on.
Oh! You don't got it.
Whoa.
Mayday.
Mayday.
We need your help.
- Need my help.
- Mayday! There was a guy named Jonah Not too different from you or me He worked at Gizmonic Institute Just another mug in a yellow jumpsuit Hello! Hello! What the heck? A distress call came in for him At half-past noon That's when an evil woman trapped him On the dark side of the moon I send him cheesy movies The worst I can find He'll have to sit and watch them all And we'll monitor his mind Keep in mind that Jonah can't control When the movies begin or end So he'll have to keep his sanity With the help of his robot friends Robot roll-call Cambot Gypsy Tom Servo Crow If you're wondering how he Eats and breathes And other science facts Repeat to yourself it's just a show I should really just relax Mystery Science Theater 3000 What the heck was that? It was the show open.
Kinga's liquid technology is worthless for recording, so I have to act it out every time or else I get poked with a cattle prod.
- Ah.
- Note to self.
Cattle prod.
Oh, now the Mads are calling.
As if speaking to us isn't the greatest honor in your pitiful life, Heston.
Yeah, and we're good We're good We're Yeah, and we're good convers We're good conversationalists too.
Great job.
It's time for the invention exchange.
What have you got and how can we steal it? Every holiday has its own special music except one.
Thanksgiving.
So I combined two beloved traditions, turkey and Theremin music.
- What music? - Theremin music.
It's the stuff movies use when they wanna sound creepy or outer spacey.
Also, the Beach Boys.
Okay, don't bore us.
Get to the chorus.
You're drawing the turkey out.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, you're right.
Sorry.
That's kind of sobering.
Yeah.
Really reminds you you're cutting into a once living thing.
Maybe Thanksgiving should be more of a ukulele holiday.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Great.
A way to make Thanksgiving dinner even more awkward.
- Max? - Oh, I scream for it.
You scream for it.
I'm speaking, of course, of ice cream.
Specifically, Carvel brand, home of the Fudgie the Whale and Santa Claus ice cream cakes! The dirty secret is that Fudgie and Santa are made with the exact same pan just turned sideways, meaning there's a ton of fantastic ice cream creatures going uncaked.
Skeleton crew! Presenting the Carvel ice cream cake clock! A world of marketable characters in one swiftly tilting pan.
At 12, there's Fudgie.
But one o'clock brings us Thanksgiving mascot, Corny the Cornucopia.
Two o'clock, reclining chicken drumstick.
Three o'clock, our knockoff of the Phillie Phanatic, the Phillie Phool spelled P-H-O-O-L.
Four o'clock, the popular anthropomorphic radio microphone! Five o'clock, Dust Devil! Six o'clock Laundry Sack! Seven o'clock, Lamprey! Eight o'clock, and kids love "Bag of Money"! Nine o'clock, there's Santa! - You'll remember it's sideways Fudgie.
- Yeah.
Oh, 10 o'clock, Post-apocalyptic Raider with Mohawk! Eleven o'clock, Dinosaur! Hey, what's the deal with his arm? He doesn't have any! And back to 12 o'clock and Fudgie.
Patient Zero of the Carvel Ice Cream Cake-demic.
Now, your experiment today takes the majesty of the natural world and just kind of jumps on it.
Hope you like stock footage and incomplete Bigfoot costumes.
Enter the nightmare fueled world that is Cry Wilderness.
Send them the movie.
Movie in the hole.
Jonah, can I have a Lamprey cake at my birthday? I'm a laundry bag boy.
- Okay, well - Oh, my goodness! Gonna die! Is Visto International a company or the font they used? - Well, if you insist - Wilderness! Ted, I hope you brought your membership card.
You are not using mine again in the gift shop.
Across the street is the Artificial History Museum.
Homo-erectus-Galifianakis.
Harry Potter and the Hendersons? This one could use man-scaping actually, that and some man hedge trimming.
Made possible by a grant from the Ripley's Believe it or Not Foundation.
Dah You blinked! Oh, holy Sasquatch, teach me your ways.
I am but a vessel for your wisdom.
Young Kristy McNichol as you've never seen her.
If this is how the movie starts, I can't wait to see the rest.
Can you imagine what it will be like when somebody finally speaks? Keep going, keep going, head around here.
The first known smoker.
David, where's Paul? I don't know, Mr.
Douglas.
Paul is dead.
Check the album cover.
Howard, take charge.
I'll go find Paul.
Yes, sir, Mr.
Douglas.
Not like this.
I didn't want it like this.
Kennedy Elementary presents the Book of Mormon.
Finally, I can get some head space and enjoy my thermos of beef bouillon.
- Huh? - Yes.
Economic uncertainties are making CD's a bad investment.
I hear and obey.
Paul, why didn't you stay with the group? I know him.
You do? It's Bigfoot.
There's no such creature as Bigfoot.
Read the card.
It tells you that no such creature as Bigfoot has ever been found.
Hence, the exhibit.
I met him last summer.
- Where? - Cabo.
Up north in the woods where I go to visit my father every summer.
Oh, that's right.
Your father's a forest ranger.
Did your father meet him, too? No.
Just me.
Would you like to tell me about the meeting? I was fishing by a waterfall when I heard this noise from a cave, and there he was.
- Him? - Yep.
What did he say? He didn't say anything, but he looked friendly so I gave him a piece of candy.
And then what? He liked it.
So I gave him another piece, and then he gave me this.
A wicked tribal tattoo.
It's not a great map of Australia, but It's beautiful, Paul.
At auction, 30 to 40 dollars.
Did you ever see him again? Yeah, sure.
Lots of times.
I used to bring him Coca-Cola.
He loved Coca-Cola.
Hated Pepsi.
And I brought him my radio and showed him how to play it.
Now it's getting absurd.
Oh, you did, did you? What kind of music did he like? - Same as me.
Rock and roll.
- Cool.
What does your father have to say about these meetings? - I never told him.
- Why not? Because he hasn't come back from buying cigarettes.
'Cause.
It's a secret between me and Bigfoot.
- Oh, he's starting to sway.
- You know how grownups are.
- Like me, huh? - Gray and lumpy.
Yeah.
Like you.
You're saying I'm a grownup? Grownups don't believe in anything! You take that back.
Get back with the other boys, Paul.
I'll talk to you later! Unless I can make some adult friends, that is.
Sorry you had to see that, Bigfoot.
I'm going to the leprechaun exhibit.
Bye.
And I used to think you were cool.
You know what this exhibit needs? A tube top.
Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
- I think so.
Paul's Dad must be rich to send him here.
Must be a banker or park ranger.
I detest stairs.
- You hungry, Paul? - I'm starving, Mr.
Douglas.
The other boys are eating dinner.
- Would you like to join them? - Sure.
Yeah.
They can bully me out of my individuality.
How does your hair grow so fast and what locks in all that moisture? Bigfoot believers use those stairs.
Let the hatred flow through you.
Before you eat, I think we should have a little understanding, don't you? - About what? - How standing is good for you.
About telling lies.
I didn't lie, Mr.
Douglas.
You still insist that you met Bigfoot? Yes, sir.
All you have to say is you made it up, and then you can go to the dining hall.
Also if you could say you filled out this expense report it would get me out of some hot water.
That would be lying, Mr.
Douglas.
How dare you look at me with that tone of voice.
You're making me put you in a report to the principal! - Please don't do that, Mr.
Douglas.
- Then tell me the truth.
I told you the truth.
Why won't you believe me? Go have your dinner.
So far, this is the worst ninja-training school ever.
Paul! I loved your letter to the Corinthians.
You're in big trouble, young man! He called me a man.
It's all happening.
The last Borders Bookstore customer.
Bigfoot.
Dear Great Pumpkin, everyone's cray cray.
Princeton Academy, when schoolboys stop being polite, and start getting real.
Sorry, boys.
You're not getting headboards.
We spent all your money on tapestries.
This Palace of Versailles sleepover is awesome.
Is that bed empty? Oh, no.
Just a really white kid.
So, Paul's bunkmate is Powder? Paul! Wake up, Paul! Just give me five more minutes, mystery voice.
I was up late arguing with Mr.
Douglas.
Paul! Mystery voice, when are you going to learn to chill? Oh, man, I'm going to have that medallion shaped indentation where I slept on that.
Maybe that light's coming from the new Kenny Rogers' Roasters.
Atlanta's burning.
I wish they'd let us leave during Bonnaroo.
Your father is in great danger, Paul! Sweetums, is that you? He needs your help! And, like, ten bucks for gas money so he can get back to Albany! Hurry, Paul! I've shouted at three different boy's schools.
Is this the right Paul? Oh, my PTSD! I got to get my clothes out of my chair dresser.
Black socks? Are you getting married? Paul, what are you doing? My father's in danger.
He needs my help.
How do you know that? Bigfoot told me.
He's out there.
Come on.
I'll show you.
There's so many simpler ways for your dad to have gotten in touch with you.
This is the first Window's operating system.
All I see is our sticky Purple Kush garden.
There ain't no Bigfoot, you dreamt it.
He came from far away to warn me.
I've got to go! I'm really important.
Mythical figures hit me up all the time.
I had to get out of my Dame Edna drag for this? Hello, Mr.
Douglas.
Go back to sleep, David.
I heard what you said to David, Paul.
We can't have you spreading lies all over the school.
Don't make me expectorate.
This is a fine school.
You're here on a scholarship.
It's our job to teach you about the real world you'll live in some day.
You're too old to believe in fairytales.
He is? What a terrible way to find out.
You're always making up stories.
That's why you're always in trouble.
Well, it's out of my hands now! In the morning, the principal will decide whether or not you'll be expelled! Now, if you'll excuse me.
I have to get back to the Grotto with the bunnies.
Time for a blanket party.
Get him, guys! Now you did it, dummy.
Go back to bed, Draco.
Ah, the majestic mountains of the Pacific Northwest.
Paul! We're here to remind you to wear sunscreen.
Your body is changing.
You'll be growing hair soon all over like me.
It's important to bathe daily! I know you didn't expect to hear this from me, a deer, swimming in a brook.
When it comes time for insurance, I want you to remember Hartford Fund.
At some point, you might have to resort to YouTube to finish your film.
- That is okay.
- We're back.
We didn't feel like you really heard us when we mentioned the sunscreen.
We're dogs.
We're here to say we love you, Paul.
We love you.
Come on, men.
We got it trapped.
Don't let it get away.
- Ah, it's an NRA rave.
- Cool it.
I'm the law in this forest.
I want him taken alive.
I'm the sheriff in this county.
That includes the forest.
We've been hunting this animal for two weeks.
Now we've got it.
Let's kill it! No one's ever seen the beast.
How do you know what you're killing? We know it's big and dangerous.
We saw a deer it killed.
Tore it apart! I've never seen anything like it.
- That's enough for me.
- And that's amore.
Excuse me.
That's the ringtone for my wife.
Um, is this the Flare Convention? Hell yeah.
Welcome to FlareCon 2016.
Oh, awesome.
I love The Roots.
Oh, yeah, my line.
What's my line? - Jim, did you see anything? - I didn't see a thing.
Me neither.
I'm afraid this movie might not be very good.
Screw it.
Let's head over to the nice Arby's.
- Great Con, everybody.
- Come on back next year.
Book your room early.
Let's adjourn to the bar.
Woo! Come on! Hey, that's the back of the polar bear exhibit.
Wait a minute! What are you going to do about it? Sheriff, Jim and I tracked the beast for two weeks.
We finally got it trapped.
You and your boys let it get away.
Now we have to track it all over again, sheriff.
You'd better, because if that beast kills anyone, you're finished, Mr.
Cooper! You'll never work here or in any other forest again! You'll wind up a garbage man in the city! Why do I always cross the line and get so angry at others? I'm going to find it and kill it.
Nobody told me where the after party was going to be.
Crap.
Will Paul disobey his stuffy headmaster and go in search of his endangered father? Will he ultimately Cry Wilderness? You're watching MST3K Moon 13, The Moon.
I wish Bigfoot had given me more specific directions to the danger.
Because I'm a boy from the Northwest So he walked all the way to Aspen, Colorado? Autobots, roll out! Sorry.
That was just wishful thinking.
- I've been hit! - Oh, wow, buddy.
You okay? Hi, Large Marge.
- The Lich.
- Hop in, kid.
Brilliant decision-making skills, scholarship kid.
Great.
Now maybe they'll turn down the music.
Right? I feel like I'm living upstairs from Rascal Flatts.
Well, I'm a boy from the Northwest, But I'm proud don't you know Since you didn't ask.
Yes, this is my band's demo tape, and yes, it's on an endless loop.
This is like Ice Road Truckers only less staged.
Can we go any faster? Not on these roads, kid.
Like I said, I'm not high, but my dog is, and I am.
This is like if Bob Ross painted an action sequence.
And it's just as relaxing.
I'm Prince King Boy, and I'm on an incredible venture.
Ha-ha.
Seems awfully lighthearted for someone who's been tracking a killer Bigfoot for two weeks.
He's running through an MMORPG.
I wonder what mobs spawn here.
Confusion, despair? Oh, and this guy.
Rowsdower? That's Zap Rowsdower to you.
Dad! I sure hope that trucker escaped the fiery wreckage.
Paul.
Did you hitchhike across the country to meet me in the woods again? Thank goodness I implanted that GPS chip in your arm.
- Dad! - Paul, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be at school.
- You okay, Dad? - I'm fine.
You sure you're okay? Okay, buster.
What's your story? You won't believe it, Dad.
Better make it good.
Last night, someone woke me up and told me you were in great danger.
- Who woke you up? - Bigfoot.
- Paul.
- I told you, you wouldn't believe me.
One of these days, bang zoom! I wish there was a Bigfoot so I could strangle him.
But Dad, I saw him right through my window on the school lawn.
He talked to you? He always talks to me.
And he's never pointed a shotgun at me.
Let's go.
Monday morning, you're going back to school.
Is that clear? Don't argue with me, young man.
Listen to me.
I'll have no more of your stories.
I told you again and again.
My voice may fade out, but I'm still going to be very angry with you.
Bigfoot has shoes! Run! Uh, leaves again? Craft service is terrible on this shoot, and that's coming from a raccoon.
Quiet, Carl.
There are walkers about.
Didn't Bigfoot say his Dad was in danger, and why aren't they discussing it? Yeah.
I guess they don't want to spend that much time on the actual plot when they could be doing so much more walking.
Okay, Paul.
Remember, the fox we're looking for is not only dangerous, but also very clever.
He could be hiding anywhere.
Snausages? Yesterday, I found a couple of raccoon cubs.
I thought raccoons never left their cubs.
This one did.
- Where are the coons now? - In my cabin.
And by my cabin, I mean freezer.
I was kind of saving it as a surprise for you.
I love you, Dad.
And I love rabies.
All right, let's head off to Supercuts, son.
I'm buying.
How is it that the bobcat is out of focus, but everything around him isn't? Welcome home, Paul.
Look! A bobcat! Follow your instincts.
Get out of this movie at all costs.
Paul, Paul.
If that guy is Ted Nugent, I'm dead.
Aha, Dad, chase me.
I'm precocious and filled with wonder! We are but stardust.
You can't spell Dad without ADD.
Paul! I'm going to have to wing him to stop him.
Won't be the first time.
Bang! Wait a minute.
Did they just run across that lake? Paul! - Bang! - But I'm still so curious.
Bang! Watching this movie is cinematic puberty.
Nothing makes sense, and it never goes the way you'd expect.
Bang! I'm nocturnal.
I shouldn't be out here.
I might be ill.
I'm elderly.
Would you mind microwaving some ground up worms and putting them in a bowl next to me? You're a nice boy.
I'm good at indicating where animals are with my head.
Does a bear crap in the woods? Well, keep watching.
Oh, oh, gosh.
I'm sorry.
Excuse me, Mr.
Bear.
I just realize I'm very late for an appointment.
Not a bear! Hello.
I am not a sexual predator but simply a reflection of my era.
We thought it'd be funny to intercut Paul's stalking footage with film of a skunk.
I wish they'd pair me up with a honey badger, so we can get a third voice going.
Little does Paul know we've got a real skunk waiting in the bushes.
We think the joke will be on Paul.
Bang! Honey Badger don't care.
What I wouldn't give to see young Paul take it right in the face right now.
Wait a minute.
If those are feet attached to legs That must mean a person.
Your father had a heart attack chasing you.
You should have seen it.
Classic.
Hello, Jim.
I'm trying not to be terrified by you.
Laughter? I've got to get in on that.
Nature is fun and funny.
Looks like we got us a laugh circle.
It's fun.
I love to laugh.
Loud and long and clear.
Let's all laugh as we talk.
This is fun.
We're friends.
Let's meet back here a year from now and try to remember what we all found so funny.
- What's that? - Quiet, Paul.
Are you going to kill it? No, I'm going to shoot it with a tranquilizer.
- It's only a cougar.
- Only a cougar.
Well, that just shattered my self-esteem.
Also cougar is an ageist concept.
Thank you.
Let's get out of here, Jim.
You're right.
Let's leave him here for now.
- We'll come back for him later.
- Yeah.
Let's table this for now.
It's inconceivable that a cougar would move to a different location later.
So we'll be fine.
I'll just stick a post it on here as a reminder.
Oh, you bum.
Do you know you scared me? It's a wolf.
Hey, I was just crying wilderness like the title of the film.
Are you guys going to throw down a treat or what? Now we'll have to come back for this one, too.
Yeah.
We'd better move along.
There's still about 400 species of North American mammals we need to encounter before the act break.
Really, Dad? Buying extra doors on your salary? There's something inside my cabin.
And it knows how to use a door.
Step aside, Paul.
Let the poorly dubbed adults handle this.
Gosh.
Never throw these guys a surprise party.
Good idea, kid.
Hug him right at the butt of the loaded shotgun.
Oh, crap, Jim.
I'm sorry.
I keep meaning to throw that hat out, but wait, that'd be even more offensive, right, to you and your people to throw it out? Wow, those are some really enormous raccoons.
Well, there's your problem right there.
You got yourself a Stallone.
Hey, get out of here! Get out of here, Stallone! You know that plant was probably thriving before he sat down.
Come on.
Save some Montauk Monster for the rest of us.
- Make yourself at home.
- Dick.
I have.
Help yourself.
I have plenty to spare.
I got the bucket meal.
Where are my raccoons? - Awkward.
- Are these your raccoons? Someone trained at the table of Scott Farkus.
Sure taste delicious.
Best kids' movie ever.
Poltergeist! Send the boy in first.
I was waiting for that milk to reach room temperature! That's my jam right there, huh? Get it? Whatever it is, we'll deal with it later.
Down with the oppressors.
Occupy log cabins.
Humans, quick! Everybody, be cute.
My therapist says I laugh when I'm uncomfortable.
I went from Guardians of the Galaxy to this? How do you think I feel? I was Ranger Rick.
Finally, someone to love who isn't carrying a gun.
- My face! - Get off my face! Go home, raccoon.
You're drunk.
Ow! Your son's injured.
I can't resist.
I'd laugh, but I can't feel my face.
You know, maybe the problem isn't raccoon in your kitchen so much as your habit for leaving all of your food on the countertop open.
Looks like the table's free if you're looking for some yet unsoiled counter-space.
Don't laugh.
You people are pigs.
I asked for half-caff soy vanilla with foam! What was I gonna do? Oh, yeah, urinate.
Product placement.
Heinz paid for them to use Hunt's ketchup in this scene.
- Hey, that's my onion.
- First Ketchup.
- Oh, geez.
- Oh, come on.
Let it go! - Dad! - It's a boy.
Let it go.
Come here, you little disease vector.
This is government property.
What are you doing here anyway? Cool it, Ranger.
Name is Morgan Hicks.
I'm a U.
S.
Government Marshall.
I hear you got a little trouble down here.
I came here to eliminate it.
- Ew.
- We don't need that kind of help.
- I think you do, Chief.
- He's racist, too.
What do you have in mind? - Bang.
- Finger guns.
Two for each guy.
This is my territory.
Nobody does any shooting without my permission.
- I get my orders from your higher ups.
- God.
You want to check it out with headquarters? Name is Morgan Hicks.
Occupation, big game hunter.
Seems legit.
I've tracked and killed all over the world.
And I have a dental practice in Minnesota, too.
It's about time you got here, Morgan.
The door was open, and there was a second door just sitting there, so I walked in.
I see your animal's still running around loose.
Lucky for you no one's been killed yet.
I shall remedy that.
Are you aware that the Twelve Pines Summer Cut! Go ahead.
Over 500 people are scheduled to arrive? - What? - Sorry, I was outside.
Couldn't hear you.
The season doesn't open for another two weeks.
It's a pre-season convention! We have to go to the hotel to warn Mr.
Wagoner to keep all the guests inside while we capture the animal.
Wagoner is the mayor, the richest man in the state.
He sneezes, and we all catch pneumonia.
It's gross.
The only animal he wants to hear about is a dead one.
- Don't you understand? - Our love is real.
- This beast is intelligent.
- And he sings beautifully.
A lot smarter than most people.
He always knows where we been, and we're not going to take him by surprise.
Then how? We got to wait until he's hungry enough to take chances.
By stalking him, we don't give him a chance to hunt.
That could go on for days.
Maybe weeks.
I remember in Rangoon, I hunted down a man-eater.
All summer until I found out he was a little careless.
We're cute little raccoons, and all we want to do is make a mess.
Normally, I'd want to eat this food, but I just wanna throw it on the ground.
Forget otters, we're the clown princes of the animal kingdom.
Oh, gross.
Now it's in my fur.
Just go with it.
You're a rascally raccoon.
Oh, our antics are getting out of hand.
We are puckish woodland sprites.
Oh, you wonderful little rascals are causing such a mess in here.
Paul, get in here! Jim! I'm a plague carrier.
We're so curious.
This is really dangerous.
Raccoon out.
Raccoon out.
- What's that noise? - Whatever it is, I like it.
It made everyone shut up.
Oh, the interocitor is calling.
Everyone look busy.
Will Cooper here.
Over.
Is the sheriff there? Over.
Give me that.
How do you Aw, phooey.
Yes, sir.
We're all here, Mr.
Wagoner.
I want all of you in my hotel first thing in the morning.
- Over and out.
- Dress for movement! You heard the man.
See you at the hotel first thing in the morning.
Wear comfortable, loose fitting clothes.
I thought you were coming back for me.
I'm still in the hole.
I'm going to shoot that stupid moon.
I'm tired of it being brighter than I am.
Come in, kid.
It's your room.
Why are you dressed like a Coke can? Oh, wow.
You've got a lot of guns.
What are all these names etched into them? What do you do with all these guns? - That's how I make my living.
- Building gun forts.
- Killing? - No.
Sometimes I catch them alive and sell them to the zoo.
Gun zoos.
Where? All over.
The rainforest in the Amazon.
Jungles in Africa, and mainly in India.
You've heard of India, haven't you, kid? - Sure.
I'm not ignorant.
- I'm just a Coke can.
You ever run across Bigfoot? Bigfoot? No.
Why? What would you do if you met him? Depends.
You wouldn't shoot him, would you? Interest meter up.
- You seen him? - Going up.
Maybe.
And meter going down, back into its charger.
- Tell me more, kid.
- Like does he have a car? How do I know I can trust you? I'm here to help your father, aren't I? My father's in great danger.
He is? That's why I'm here.
Yeah, I'm in an elite branch of Special Forces.
We call ourselves the Bowl Cuts.
It's really Duluth out there.
Yeah.
Yeah.
This is Bigfoot country.
There's a sign outside that says "Bigfoot Country".
- How could I have missed that? - You have seen him, haven't you? You got too many guns, mister.
This speech is my recital I think it's very vital - To rock - A rhyme! - That's right - On time It's Tricky is the title Oh, oh my gosh.
Sorry.
You're sleeping, Dad.
Shh.
Don't worry, Dad.
I'll save you.
Weird.
I was just dreaming my son wasn't creepy.
I love you, son.
I love you too, Dad.
Okay.
Let's go to bed.
Go to sleep, Paul.
- Good night, Dad.
- Good night, son.
If you get thirsty, help yourself to some maple syrup on my headboard.
But be careful of my three-legged bear plate.
It casts no reflection.
I think it might be cursed.
My cyborg doppelganger should be visiting everyone's bedrooms by now.
I think I just spotted the perfect place to pee off of.
Aw, looks like the Rainforest Cafe is closed.
He found the DHARMA Initiative.
The stunt show at Universal Studios is pretty dark this season.
Okay, you got this.
Stay calm.
Just lift the wallet and go.
Harry In Your Pocket.
Nothing fancy.
Just a standard snatch and grab.
Why do I smell Fiddle Faddle and BO? Wait a minute.
He is going to the bathroom.
I dreamed someone hit me with a car antenna! So this is the Golden Corral, huh? Nice.
What's that smell? Breakfast? Mr.
Wagoner! We're here, sir.
What took you so long? We were at the hotel looking for you, sir.
Instead of Jay Leno's garage.
How wonderful.
We love your new museum.
You want to put me out of business, Will? Why don't you take out your gun and shoot me? That'll close the hotel.
All I'm trying to do is prevent a disaster.
My disaster.
Sheriff, if some crazy animal's out there, get him.
- Yes, sir, Mr.
Wagoner.
- How high, sir? What are you doing still standing here? Go get him, boys! You don't understand, Mr.
Wagoner.
- Make me understand.
- Yeah.
It's not a crazy beast.
It's just some animal we don't have any experience with.
- Aw, geez! - If you close one road, if you open up your mouth in front of one hotel guest, I'll have all of your jobs! You're supposed to be a big game hunter? Go hunt! You call yourself an Indian? You can't even trap a wild animal.
Some Indian.
Have you met my girlfriend.
She appears when I make racist comments.
Honey.
Sorry, I was in the museum pool.
I can't make the martinis without any olives.
That's her breakfast? Get in the canoe.
Go in the forest and get him! I want that animal's head hanging from my wall in 24 hours! And I want his pelt made into a pair of jogging shorts also in 24 hours! And his ears, I want made into matching key fobs also in 24 hours.
- What about the legs? - Glad you asked.
The legs I want made into an end table also inside of 24 hours! Ouch, ooh, ow, pokey, pokey.
Oh.
Oh, for fun.
Somehow I never get tired of going on Splash Mountain.
I can't wait to see our photo.
That's the first time that many people have ever been in a single canoe.
Usually it's two 11-year-old girls at camp.
Beautiful Niagara Fall.
Well, we just wait here and Bigfoot should come flailing over the falls any minute.
Last summer, I was fishing by a waterfall, and that's how I met Bigfoot, Mr.
Douglas.
It's a Thomas Kinkade painting come to life.
So horrible.
Perfect.
Let's set up for that Herbal Essence commercial.
O mighty Bigfoot, I summon thee.
Guys, our table's ready.
Hey, does anyone have an Android charger? - No.
I have an iPhone.
- Apple guy, sorry.
Will, why did we bring your kid to the wilderness to hunt a dangerous animal? There's the cave I was telling you about.
You're right, Jim.
I don't remember seeing this cave before.
I hate it when Dad and Jim don't know things.
Well, let's go.
No! I don't want to go in there! I'm not finished talking to Mr.
Douglas in my head.
- Paul, you got to stay with me.
- I don't want to go in there.
Son, stop it.
- No! - Son, let's go.
- No! - Still think we should adopt? The Moon 13 show trap is the method Kinga used to shanghai Jonah into the world of MST3K for your viewing pleasure.
You're watching MST3K Moon 13, The Moon.
The abandoned set of Nickelodeon's Legends of the Hidden Temple.
They said the bird show would be at 3:00 p.
m.
, but I don't see the trainer anywhere.
The Hollywood Bowl, 200 million years B.
C.
I'll check over in the woods.
Try not to chip the fiberglass, okay? I've got a rucksack full of sapphire orbs in case we need to put one in the statue's eye socket.
You know, to open a secret door or something on account of this being like Indiana Jones and all.
What's this? Somebody's sasquatching their every move.
Why does company always drop in when the place is a mess? I don't know why, but I'm suddenly craving a can of Coke.
- How about you guys? - Yes, it's so nourishing.
Oh, I do it for spiritual cleansing.
It's the same nutritional value as drinking fresh juice.
Someone sure liked Coca-Cola.
You know it.
I never knew an animal that can open cans.
I've got hypoglycemia.
We'd better take a good look around here.
I brought the cans here last summer when I was fishing by the waterfall.
I only drank one a day, Dad.
They're not really a pack it in, pack it out kind of family are they? I couldn't crush one of these.
Not like this.
You got to admire the craftsmanship, though.
Paul, I want you to wait here.
Right here.
Jim and I are going to go on a special behind the scenes tour of the making of the Bigfoot exhibit.
Just give us a yell if you get attacked by one of the many dangerous animals we've established are in this forest.
Paul's probably got a lot of cool boarding school friends now and doesn't want to hang out with me anymore.
But heaven knows we both been through lots of changes.
Paul's growing up, and me, I'm the deer killer.
Wow, it's nice back there.
They've got a polar bear sauna and jacuzzi.
The works! Hey! Look what I found.
Is it laugh worthy? It's rock and roll music.
And it's royalty-free.
Hey, isn't that the radio I gave you last year for Christmas? Commencing lie fabrication now.
Oh, yeah.
Lie fabrication complete.
I've been looking all over for that.
I must have left it here last summer.
Well, Paul.
Did you find anything up there, Jim? No.
Just another dead end.
Let's go.
There's nothing here.
Jonah.
What's a radio? It's like a podcast you can't control.
Come on, Paul.
Humans don't belong on the Planet of the Apes.
I'm not proud of the way that went today.
Hey, guys.
Guys, wait for me.
I want to go to Hollywood too.
The Wookiee homeworld of Kashyyyk, or the state of Washington.
Heigh ho, heigh ho, It's off to hunt we go To kill some things Are we being chased by orcs? What are they not going to shoot this time? Where's my mark again? Let's just let our insurance agencies figure it out.
Better him then us, Paul.
Clever girl.
Hey, Paul.
Ever see a man get disemboweled before? Brace yourself, Paul.
We're in the splash zone.
- Hey! Okay.
- The hell? Jim, you're taking too many unnecessary risks! Paul already likes you! You've got nothing to prove! He's just a kid! You don't need this, Jim! Jim, I love you! Oh, there it is.
Finally, Jim our crown prince of fun.
It's old Big Mike! Looks safe.
Why don't you get in there, Paul? Come on.
He's dead.
What's that? Oh, he's eating his entrails.
Grizzly Man 2: The Power of Love.
Maybe I'll laugh later.
I suppose this is funny to mountain people.
This is their Seinfeld.
It's funny.
Geez, do these guys do the laugh track for Two and A Half Men? We have fun with nature.
I don't need this.
I could ride a bicycle, damn it, you hear me? No, who am I kidding? It's a movie.
I'm going to be in show business.
Good night, folks.
Bye, bear out.
Ah, the bear's got a gun! Laughing's done! Don't forget your backpack.
You'll need that calculus textbook.
Paul, come protect me from great danger.
I need a human shield.
It's so hard making left turns in this forest.
Did they run all the way to Mayberry? Serpentine! Serpentine! Serpentine! Into the brightly lit clearing where we have no cover.
What kind of fur is this? Ah, yes.
Glad you asked.
This is the fur of the wily JNCO.
Acid washed.
Still warm.
Bah, just another damn clue.
The One Nobody Wanted to See.
A jester's tablecloth, good.
A wet pork rind, check.
What's this? A nerdy tree that got hit in the face on a playground? Sad really.
Some poor hipster will never read the liner notes of a Tame Impala record again.
Ah, come on, man.
Go all the way up and put them on.
You know you'll crack Jim up.
Hey, I found a comedy schnozz with a mustache over here.
Think there's a connection? Oh no.
Bigfoot had a Slip-n-Slide.
Shouldn't they give the kid an orange vest or something? Freeze frame! America, it seemed like a good idea at the time.
This is looking good, guys.
We just got four more mountains for you to climb, and then we can call it a day.
Check it out.
We've discovered the primordial soup.
Bigfoot must be nearby.
Oh, my God.
LeBron James was here.
"To Sid Grauman.
" Weird.
Oh, he needs corrective shoes.
All right.
I made that last summer when I was carrying my transistor radio and a can of Coke.
I Yeah, that's the ticket.
Yeah.
Who's Sid Grauman? He stole that gun from the shooting gallery at the State Fair.
I like ponies.
Let's keep this a secret between you and me.
Okay, it is never good when an adult says that to a kid.
- What you doing, Jonah? - I'm making a space suit.
I'm putting in the Kevlar lining right now.
You know, I've always dreamed of going on a spacewalk.
Well, stop.
Stop dreaming.
We've got to talk.
Everything is wrong with this movie.
Yeah.
The animals-to-plot ratio is way off balance.
Why would anyone do that? You know, I wondered the same thing so I made the scale model of the film's world so we can try to figure out how it happened.
Oh, that's impressive.
You laser cut that? Uh-huh.
Let's start at St.
Dreamcrusher's Academy for Over Imaginative Boys.
I think Paul was a student there, and they wanted to expel him because he has no impulse control.
But they couldn't because his dad was the wealthy mayor.
Yes, as seen at the Museum of Cars, Scarves and Oliveless Martinis.
They pitched him on funding a hit film starring his son, making Paul a child star who doesn't have to go to school.
Yeah, but where to find the right script? The woods.
Where a park ranger and his co-worker slash soul mate slash Native American sidekick have been diagnosed with a pseudobulbar affect.
The neurological disorder causing bouts of unprompted, uncontrollable laughter.
Oh, sure.
They'd written the script for a nature documentary about funny animals.
And sent it to a director who already owned most of a Bigfoot costume.
Who was hired by a Paul hating faculty, and the rest as they say is history.
But they still needed the perfect set for a fakey looking Bigfoot cave.
Luckily, a short ride down the Ice Road Trucker highway Was an abandoned Aztec themed amusement park, Tenochtitland Land.
Yeah, where a mesh undershirt wearing big game hunter was taking a little bit of a cat nap.
Mix it together and you've got a Cry Wilderness, baby.
Yeah.
See? Not so hard to understand.
Yeah, I understand now.
So why'd they make the Entourage movie? - Movie sign! - I saw the sign.
I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes.
This looks like a State Park.
I think I can see a swing set back there.
Rawhide.
Bang! Excuse me, Miss.
Do you have any idea how fast you were going? Think this is another dead end distraction - from the lack of a cohesive plot? - Could be.
This bird is sick.
We've got to take it to Helen's place.
She has a rotisserie oven.
Beautiful plumage.
My quiet dignity has to be around here somewhere.
You got her here just in time.
- Ann Wilson from Heart? - Another day, and she would have died.
Never seen your cages so full before, Doc.
I mean empty.
You've got to catch that animal before the whole forest panics.
Hi, Shasta.
How you feeling, huh? How you feeling? First of all, my name is Fanta, not Shasta if you please.
Hmm.
Well, that could have gone better.
Would sure help if we knew what we were looking for.
So far, only clue is that it broke some nerd's glasses, and it made an eagle sick.
Well, what do you think, Jim? This bird cage needs a top for starters.
I just don't know, Helen.
Maybe I spent too many years in college and not enough time in the forest.
I'm thinking of investing in a miniature golf course.
Ah, yes.
Wikipedia, the print edition, at last.
They shouldn't put tags in mesh shirts.
Also, they shouldn't make mesh shirts.
I'm sorry.
I know you don't want any women in this movie, - but I had to clear these plates.
- What? Come on, Paul.
It's time for the best friend's club.
Oh, I couldn't eat another bite of this endangered rhino.
It's so rich and delicious.
Well, maybe I can have some more it's so good.
Check it out.
That's your girlfriend.
I accept the photo of a chainsaw sculpture as scientific proof.
Embrace the prophecy of time life books.
This is our secret, boy.
Excuse me.
This gravy needs to be fluffier.
Be right back.
Paul, come back and finish your dinner, please.
Helen put down some blueberry pie that is out of this world, and I am trapped in its magic.
This is the worst Airbnb I've ever seen.
Yeah, it's a ritual for them to play a public domain animal sound effect record every day at sunset.
Who can I shoot? Oh, God, please.
Who can I shoot? Let me shoot something.
Well, this looks like a good place to hang my shingle.
The deer is gone.
And his cage has been horribly murdered.
It's still warm.
It would take a powerful animal to tear this cage apart.
Ah, but could it crush a Coke can in a way that not even I could do? Look at these tracks.
You look at them.
I'm bitter.
You know, there are two sets of tracks.
What do you make of this, Morgan? We may be hunting more than one animal here.
I'm the other animal.
I don't want to keep secrets anymore! Thank God, they're finally running out of forest.
I'm just praying they'll come to a city soon, and this movie can start.
This is actual footage of the actors attempting to escape the production of Cry Wilderness.
I'm Werner Herzog in case you are wondering.
The good news is that now I have time for an internal monologue.
Being a Dad is For lunch, I'll just do protein shakes and maybe salad.
Keep it light.
Oh, so this is where they're holding all the Guns 'n Roses reunions.
Dave Koechner, Wallace Shawn, and Brian Posehn! And they're building a nest out of beer bottles.
- Hey.
- You bring enough to share? I'm the ranger in this forest.
This area is closed to everybody.
Period.
What are you doing here? Question mark.
We had a rumble with another biker gang, and they chased us clear across the state line, - and we don't know where we're at.
- You got a cigarette, man? You light up in this forest, I'll put you away for good.
You guys seen anything around here? - Like what? - Like a bear.
You guys seen any teddy bears? Hey, only we get to laugh at bears.
You can't stay here.
Give us a break, man.
There's a dangerous animal on the loose, man.
You better get out of here, all of you right now.
Or we turn the kid loose on you.
What if we and my two little brothers here don't? I lost track of all the things I killed.
You want me to add three more animals to my list? No, man.
That's cool.
You better be gone by the time I get back or I'm going to run you in.
Savvy? Comprende, señor.
Also, if you could clean up after yourselves, that'd be nice too.
Yeah, and how'd you get all the beer up here anyway? You guys magic? I'll be back, boys.
You can count on it.
Finally, it's my turn to say we'll deal with something later.
Boy Scouts.
I miss my wife.
Maybe it's something to boost our fading testosterone.
Let's hit the road.
We should have taken those guys on.
- Yeah.
- Are you guys nuts? They were going to hang our heads from a cabin wall.
Yeah.
I ain't going nowhere until I'm damn good and ready! Let's get our bikes, man.
Right behind you.
Until I'm good and ready! Oh, I feel sorry for those pants.
Levi Strauss never intended a pair of jeans to go through whatever he's done to them.
Ow! I won't swallow it until I'm good and ready.
Yeah! He's a Louis CK/Chris Elliot mash-up.
- We regret nothing! - Nothing! This guy needs more ways to cover his face, like another eye patch, a different bandana and a second beard.
Oh, look.
He's like a big beautiful baby.
Look at his Bye-bye, baby.
Dibs on the bike.
No take backs.
Where is he? He must be around here some place.
Bigfoot rides a chopper? I always pictured him driving a monster truck.
Man, I am great with kids.
Dad, do you think the motorcycle's going to live? Do you think it had a family? So, Dad, is this really what you and Jim do all day? Has anyone considered that we may be tracking a bus? Will, you cover this end.
Jim Son, safety tip.
Crouch down low and hold position near a blind corner on a steep mountain highway.
Did you drip? Paul, go hide behind those rocks.
If I die, be a good father to yourself.
Flagrant misuse of the 180-degree rule.
Penalty 20 yards.
I passed through the weather portal to Canada.
I'm in Manitoba now.
Good day.
Jim, you got one of those American Spirit cigarettes? It's Bigfoot.
Kill it! Don't think, just shoot! Just kill! So they're on opposite ends of the tunnel now with guns.
It's like a surprise duel.
I'm going to be pissed if this cave turns out to be a painting by Wile E.
Coyote.
Dad, I got bored.
Can you read me a story? We're almost up to my laughing place.
Oh, man.
I did not think this through.
Dad, aren't you proud of me? I followed instructions for 15 seconds.
- Stop, that's Paul and his Dad.
- I know.
I'm as surprised I'm in this movie as you are, folks.
Dad, please don't carry me like I'm an American Girl doll.
I want to feel the breath you take before you kill, Dad.
It's the eye of the me It's the thrill of the me Crap.
I forgot to turn my gun on.
What am I hungry for? Oh, yeah, Paul.
And that, son, is how we deal with something later.
- Look.
It's going down the gulley.
- FernGully? That must be the tiger that escaped from the circus.
It's a dead end! He's got to come back through here! We've got him now.
- Jim.
- Jump in there.
Take Paul to the bus station.
He's going back to school.
I have to stay with you! Let the kid stay.
Keep out of this.
Rob Riggle's little brother is right.
Let the kid stay.
Paul, the hugging, it's just got to stop.
Paul, go with Jim.
You don't understand! Send me away, and you'll be killed! Please, Dad.
I love you.
I love you, too, son.
That's why I have to send you away.
Execute Order 66.
Come on, Paul.
Dad, Jim's laughing.
Make him stop! And the Sasquatch in the cradle With the silver spoon Okay, so now it turns out that the deer was killed by a Bengal tiger? Got it! So this movie's been lying to us for a good 45 minutes.
Great! You're watching MST3K Moon 13, The Moon.
Enough, Paul.
All right.
I want you to sit there and wait for the bus, okay? Sheesh! I don't think we're on camera any more so let's take a break, cool? Back in five.
Hey, Paul, you ever try an American Spirit? Smokebomb hat! That stupid hat thing really gave him an advantage.
That kid's brilliant.
He's disguised himself as a rock.
Oh.
Do I have to tie you up? You're nothing but a dumb Indian! Whoa! I wouldn't have to chase bad boys in the woods.
You send me back to school, you're killing my father! If I don't, he'll kill me.
I'm not joking.
My father's in great danger.
Bigfoot warned me.
Also, Big Bird, Bob's Big Boy and Biggie Smalls.
What did you say? Bigfoot warned me.
There is no Bigfoot.
He's a fairytale, Paul.
You're too old to believe in fairytales.
He's for real.
I met him last summer in the cave! I brought the Coca-Colas.
I gave him a radio.
And he gave me Lyme disease.
He's still there.
I saw him when we were in the cave! And if that wasn't enough, he's also teaching me common core.
Boy, are you dumb.
Let's move.
The kid was the real villain after all.
Clever.
This movie is about Bigfoot in the same way that - Waiting for Guffman is about Guffman.
- Or Godot.
Lake Minnetonka? Well, add Nessie to the list, I guess.
Okay, Jim.
Let's do this.
Let's just pick a location and stick with it, all right? Now maybe I spent too much time in college and not enough time in the forest, but this doesn't look like the bus station.
I just figured it out.
They're on Solaris.
Okay, Paul.
- I know you're in there.
- In where? He's outside.
You'd better come out, Paul! Bang! I want you to wait here and don't move.
Why do adults keep leaving me alone? They know I'm incapable of following instructions.
Worst Ninja Turtle cosplay I've ever seen.
Jim should just roll up a newspaper and whack Paul on the nose with it.
Bang! The end.
Roll credits.
Come on.
Uh, did we smash cut to the afterlife? It's like The Walking Dead petting zoo.
Yeah, keep it moving, hot shot.
Jim, why aren't you laughing? You should be laughing.
Maybe we should have been more proactive about rounding up animals this last year.
- Red Hawk.
- Now we're naming animals? Red Hawk.
Am I dressed appropriately for his royal hawkness? Which Instagram filter is that? Walden? Land O' Lakes Princess is busted.
Hello, Jim.
Red Hawk, is that you? You remember me, don't you? You died 13 years ago.
I saw you sealed up in a cave.
- Well, Happy Easter.
- I was.
After seven days, I had a vision.
All the animals in the forest needed me, so I got out, broke out of the cave.
I've been here since with my friends.
I'm not his friend.
I'm not indigenous to the area.
Call the police.
Hi, boy.
Come closer.
Oh, you want to talk to the boy alone? Okay.
You're a specter from an unknown spirit realm.
That's cool, I guess.
Do you like Werther's originals? I'd like to speak to the boy alone.
Don't run away.
Uh, Jim, don't go.
How are you, Paul? How are you fixed for Cokes and radios? Hello, Red Hawk.
What's that around your neck? Albatross.
It represents my guilt.
That's beautiful.
Where'd you get the stone? Bigfoot gave it to me.
Bigfoot? Bigfoot gave me one of those stones, too.
How is Bigfoot? There's a big game hunter who knows he's here.
I know.
Did they catch the tiger? They got him trapped in a gully.
FernGully? They mustn't kill the tiger.
My father won't let them.
Your father's a good man.
He understands that people shouldn't kill the animals off or man will die.
God made man, the beasts, the forest.
One can't live without the other.
Do you believe in this? Yes, sir, Red Hawk.
I believe.
When you grow up, would you still believe this? Why won't I? You'll forget.
Grownups don't believe in anything but themselves.
And dubbing.
Now, go down.
Tell Bigfoot he must leave the forest.
There's too many people around.
He must leave for the mountains.
I can't.
They're sending me to school tonight, and Jim's out there waiting for me.
It's like they care about my well-being or something.
There's another way out over there.
Take it.
- Now, go! - Thanks, Red Hawk.
Go.
Also, keep an eye out for the Po-Po.
They don't know I'm up here.
- Run! - Cougars, wolves, weird eagle.
Who's feeling like a hunt? Well, here's your problem.
Your roots have a kid infestation.
The wilderness has a lot of really great interactive exhibits.
Hey, stop cutting through my yard.
Just because my Dad's in danger doesn't mean I can't have fun.
This might work out.
Paul will now get eaten by Ewoks and the movie ends.
Now there's a cougar, and I have stopped caring what happens to Paul.
The highest net profit this film will ever see.
Ah.
This seems like more effort than this puma has put forth in years.
It's cool, kid.
Red Hawk wants you to join him in the spirit realm, and now I'm going to help you get there.
Yep, I get it.
There's no consequences.
No conflict.
Just another random scene in a long series of random scenes.
Thank you, movie.
Thank you, life.
All is right again.
Jim's laughing.
Get me out of here! Dumb Indian, huh? Would a dumb Indian be able to teach a cougar - how to set a trap like that? - Stop it! Right about now there's an Amber Alert going out.
Now, you sit down and play with your Internet.
Helen, I have to borrow your Jeep to take Paul to the bus station.
- Will wants him back in school.
- Can my braid come to? Did you have to tie him up? Yeah.
He keeps running away.
Feed him, will you? I'll go gas up the Jeep.
I guess I could push something through the net.
Go-Gurt, string cheese.
Easy Mac.
Murderer.
Jim and you are killing my father.
Jim and I.
How is that? You don't believe.
Believe what? Bigfoot! He's out there, and he's alive.
He warned me that my father is in danger, and he wouldn't lie.
It's the Bigfoot Code.
You won't let Jim take me away, will you, Helen? Paul, the people who love you had to tie you up.
You're nuts.
- Come on, Paul.
Let's go.
- No! Radio one calling.
Radio one.
Over.
It's Prairie Home Companion.
This is Base Two receiving you, Will, over.
Get the Jeep, Jim, and meet me at quadrant 847.
Repeat, quadrant 847.
Confirm? Got you, Will.
Quadrant 847.
Over and out.
Just as I thought.
Fire up the Stargate.
Don't let Paul out of here until I get back! That was my father on the radio! I told you he's in danger! You've got to take me to him! Now, look.
Jim is on his way.
He can do more than we can do.
Wait! Where do you think you're going? You don't know where to find him.
- You do! - Kid fight.
Kid fight.
Take me to him! Please! Please.
She's got ThunderCats claws.
All right.
We'll take the truck.
The movies aren't working fast enough.
Jonah is still way too sane.
People don't watch TV for sane.
They want crack pot housewives, drug-addled chefs, unstable bachelorettes.
Well, lots of shows don't get good until the fifth episode.
So, you spend your life watching, waiting to see why your friends love it so much.
Sometimes it never happens.
- A ship.
- Get me a visual.
- It's grandma.
- What? Grandma.
Bobo, Brain Guy, you came.
Oh.
Right.
Uh, we just, uh, wanted to check in on you.
We certainly weren't deliberately taking the long way around the dark side of the moon hoping you wouldn't notice us.
No, no.
We merely lost something here and are looking for it.
Oh, there's my contact lens next to that big crater.
Well, come on down.
We can have lunch.
Max, make them lunch! Nah.
We're not doing that.
Too busy with experiments and world conquering and I got to get to my favorite slot machine before someone else takes it.
Oh, okay.
I'll just be down here.
Oh, don't be sad, Kinga.
Emotions are for lower life forms like dogs and, uh, this guy.
Believe me, we'd stop if we could, but we can't because What's our excuse for not stopping again? It's fine.
I'm a failure anyway.
I don't deserve a family.
Shut it all down, Max.
How dare you? Forresters never give up.
Well, officially, off the record, they never see anything through to completion.
So, they always keep a useful moron around to pin the blame on.
Speaking of which, Max, I'd like to welcome you into the Second Bananas Club with some traditional social grooming with my nifty VR remote gloves.
Oh, hey, hey, that tickles.
Oh, surprising number of nits in here.
Oh, I've never seen such an incredible banquet of filth.
It's beautiful.
Kinga, there's no point in wanting a family.
We observers don't have families so in a way we're all one big family in that we rarely speak to each other unless there's been a death or a lottery win.
Kinga, honey, you've got a family.
That's why I left you my clone, Synthia.
You're my favorite child grandchild co-worker, mail delivery person.
Yeah.
It's great.
Thanks.
Okay.
Enough of this mush for one day.
Um, Mama Pearl hears the casino calling.
Oh, also try to get my clone to bathe every now and then - if you don't mind.
- Bye-bye, Max.
I'm here anytime you need tasty parasites removed from your hair.
Oh, and if any of my brothers are still on your staff, tell them I'm still not talking to them.
Your family is weird.
Yeah.
And it's so much work seaming this season with the old one.
I should just reboot it.
Totally.
What's going on? Man, that was weird.
How long did we spend in that hallway? Don't fire unless I miss.
Let's get this tiger hunt over with.
- I'm looking for bigger game.
- What do you mean? I'm sitting on a fortune right here in this forest now.
Look at all this pure uncut cocaine.
There's no gold in these woods.
You just can't see it.
But it's mine.
All mine.
And I'm not sharing it with anybody.
Share what? I'm capturing the greatest game on earth.
I'm going to kill it.
I'm going to stuff it.
And I'm going to travel with it all over the world.
People will pay a fortune just to get one look.
A tiger? - Bigfoot.
- Riding a tiger.
He's right here in these woods.
Your own kid tried to tell you, but you're too late.
There's nothing like him.
And he belongs to me.
He's a mint-in-bag, A+ condition.
You saw him? - His tracks.
- Which is just as good.
Fresh, day old.
Like my favorite bread.
Tracks can be deceiving.
I've been fooled more than once.
You are a fool, ranger.
Right under your nose.
That's not even a real hat.
Okay, Morgan, look.
Bigfoot's yours.
The million-dollar fairytale is yours.
But right now, let's take the tiger.
Lure the lemur and pants the panther.
Okay, ranger.
Let's end it right now.
Let's switch gloves.
You could do that this whole time? You could travel the world doing that.
Thanks.
My Dad was the MGM lion.
I don't like to talk about it, though.
I got to get away from that horrible sound! Chewie, is that you? Is it Life Day already? Stop in the name of foot Before you break my foot Think it over There he goes.
Tiger, woods.
I said it.
I'm glad.
Um, darts don't ricochet.
Got away again.
Maybe we should just go back to being orderlies.
Only one way out of this canyon.
That's ghost town.
G G G Ghosts? This better end with a three-way fight between Bigfoot, tiger, and a whole lot of ghosts.
Dr.
Foster here, over.
The tiger you're hunting escaped from a circus.
Try to take him alive, but if there's any danger to anyone, you have permission to shoot him.
Over and out.
Is he drunk? Why is someone from the New Jersey Transit Authority on their radio? - Oh, no.
- What happened? Deus Ex Lack-of-Machina.
We've run out of gas.
Why don't you put a tiger in your tank.
Ha-ha.
I've been waiting all day to say that.
Protect my braid at all costs.
Meals on wheels.
My favorite.
I don't remember Jumanji being this terrifying.
Would you be interested in donating to the World Wildlife Fund, please? You're not Mowgli.
Is it spring break in North Dakota? The tiger attack filled our gas tank.
It's a Christmas miracle.
Wait.
We forgot to tease the tiger about Frosted Flakes.
Aw.
I can't wait to tell Shasta about this.
These guys may dress a bit weird, but I can assure you, these Megaforce dudes are badass.
Tiger has gotten a job at the mill.
He's trying to get his life back together.
I wonder if this place has one of those old timey photo booths.
I love those.
I never should have walked away from that sweet gig working for Siegfried and Roy.
They've basically given up on getting rid of Paul, haven't they? It's the Forest Ranger action set.
Paul figure may get lost immediately.
Those lights are for Jim's seasonal affective disorder.
I get that.
Helen's drunk again.
My braid's been drinking.
Not me.
I'm so glad we could finally poach as a family with our heads held high.
So Paul's been out of school for, like, six months now.
So he's probably going to have to repeat, like, three grades.
Paul, stay in the Jeep and don't get out.
Thank you for the suggestion, Dad.
I never noticed those tall eye stalks growing out of Dad's back.
Usually I'm pretty observant.
I'm Garth Marenghi, and this is my Darkplace.
Padiddle! This whole cave is made of peanut butter.
It's all mine.
I Never should have left Pawnee Parks and Recs.
I'm voting for Walter Mondale.
Temple run.
I love this game.
Man, I ordered the special floodlight backpack from SkyMall, and I feel I feel a little overdressed.
Paul! Come back here! I did not see that coming.
This kid, Paul, is a danger to himself and others.
Goonies never say die, die, die.
They must have left quickly.
The wheel barrel was abandoned mid dump.
Okay.
Look closely.
There must be a clue in this wall.
That's why they're showing it all to us.
If Short Round shows up, I'm throwing myself out of the airlock.
Only now do I understand the responsibility of gun ownership.
Hey, we can call ourselves The Tiger Boys, huh? It'll be our secret club.
I bet Paul would like that.
I miss Paul.
Focus.
The projector.
The camera, the flashlight, the plot.
Just focus everything.
Focus all of it.
To prepare for the scene, Paul actually moved into the play tunnels of Chuck E.
Cheese for an entire month.
Dad! Paul, your dad is, like, four feet to your left.
I just saw him.
Paul! Adults concerned for my safety? I've got to get out of here! Yeah.
So my parents are from Germany, but everyone always thinks I'm Native American.
I've just never really corrected anyone, you know? Let's do it.
Let's fall in love.
Oh, downstairs.
No, wait.
It's an upstairs.
Did M.
C.
Escher design this set? No tiger here.
No tiger here.
No tiger here.
No tiger here.
No tiger here.
No tiger here.
Yes.
I know it makes me look like a Jeep, but that's the whole point.
I like Jeeps.
Oh, the wonderful thing about Tiggers is nothing We're tigers.
We maul things.
Would you please get going.
Art Carney could aim faster than you.
Oh, look at that.
Must be a hubcap mine.
Think this is where all those ET games get buried.
Has anyone seen Paul? Maybe check the tiger's mouth.
He's not tranquilized.
This movie has just put him to sleep.
We got this.
My braid and I will check it out.
Nice puppet work on that throw pillow, Ryan.
It's a promotional dart from Citizen State Bank and Trust.
- He's all right.
- See? I know things.
I'm confused.
Maybe I just misheard Bigfoot, and this whole movie has been a huge misunderstanding.
Maybe he didn't say my father was in great danger.
Maybe he said that my father was a great ranger.
- Yeah.
- What? The kid is still alive? What? Paul, of course.
You made it out alive just as I expected.
Dr.
Zaius, you're nude.
Bigfoot.
Oh, that scalp.
You might want to get that looked at, Bigfoot.
Ho, ho, ho, Merry Bigfoot.
He's just wearing a really crappy snowmobile suit.
Bigfoot, I'm so glad I found you.
Everyone else I know are jerks and human.
Bigfoot, you can't stay here.
Your stink is everywhere.
Morgan knows about you.
He'll kill you.
Red Hawk says you must go up to the mountains where no one can ever find you.
Where's Paul? Let's talk about Paul later.
You need to learn about personal boundaries.
I'll look for him.
You and Morgan help Helen with the tiger.
There's a tiger.
Paul! Bigfoot, run! Run before they shoot you! Or before they completely edit you out of this movie.
I forgot about that special bond they forged last summer between the Cokes and the transistor radio.
So many memories.
Run, Bigfoot! If there's a sequel, we'll make sure to buy you some gloves.
Luke, use the force.
Wouldn't it be cool if Paul found out the time outside flowed much more slowly, and everyone in the mine has long since died of old age? Dad? You're watching Cry Wilderness on MST3K, your good neighbor on the moon.
- Dad! - Paul! High Peak Mine.
Watch your head.
- Dad! - Bang! Paul.
Hey, gold struck him.
It's a switcheroo.
Oh no! Dad's allergic to Styrofoam.
I've got to save him! Dad! Now do you believe me? Bigfoot was right.
You were in danger.
Help me, Paul.
Help me.
This is how Kirk died.
It can't be happening to me.
Dad, it's a little tight.
I'm still a kid.
I'll get you out, Dad.
I guess you know who's going to live on with Helen now.
Bigfoot! Help me! Getting some mixed messages here, kid.
Bigfoot! Bigfoot! Help me! Please! Please! Remember, Paul.
Pretend to not be able to lift Styrofoam with your knees not your back.
Y'all Yeti for this? Big, big, big, foot, foot, foot Big, big foot, foot You should know that each time I teleport it takes 1000 years off my life span.
Bigfoot! Let's just assume it's Bigfoot even though we can't see his face.
They probably rented the suit for a week, but can only afford the mask for a day.
Oh, you just crushed the rest of him.
He came from somewhere back in her long ago You okay? Son, I'm okay, but when I do die, I want you to carry on the family haircut.
Yeah.
Pile on, kid.
What's a few more broken ribs? Sorry.
We were busy taking selfies with the drugged tiger.
What happened? My curiosity is calling.
He's going up to the projection booth to turn off this movie.
We're saved! Bigfoot tracks, two maybe three seconds old.
Right all along, kid.
Dad, hand me your gun.
Nah.
Dad's injury will probably sort itself out.
I was beginning to worry.
It's been, like, three minutes since Paul ran off.
All right.
You're in the NRA workout video.
Jogging With Guns in the Wilderness.
You got your hat on? Good.
You're going to need it.
NRA fitness is good for kids too.
Let's bring out that inner Bigfoot.
You just jump the stump that means you level up.
Wait.
Why am I running.
No one told me to stay anywhere.
I'll never catch him with these little stupid boy legs.
They told me this haircut would be more aerodynamic.
I'll give him this.
They've really found some truly breathtaking vistas and made them incredibly boring.
Was that a fog horn in a creepy place like this? Carnival of Souls cruise lines.
So who's going to tell this guy the gun isn't real? I made it.
I'm on Big Rock Candy Mountain.
Did he walk into the Glaucoma Forest? We are all the animals you postponed dealing with until later.
It's like I'm entering a dream sequence.
I wonder if I'll end up wanting to kill Superman.
I drank too much chamomile tea.
Table me, will ya? I wish all the animals would go away so I could hunt in peace.
Oh, good.
Red Hawk finally got an "After Life Alert".
That makes me feel better.
Here I am.
Your golden prize.
I guess I'm not much to look at once I get out in the open.
Until this moment, I never knew myself.
Dude, are you seriously trying this in front of Willie Nelson? Impressive, but it's no flashlight backpack.
Alfred Hitchcock's The Bird.
Not my face! Ah! Ah, my beautiful face! Ah, my pretty face! This went all Greek mythology very quick.
Red Hawk, geez! I thought this was supposed to be a mediation.
That way! That way towards the cliff! Go! Keep going right over there! Go! Red Hawk, that new "Amulet of Eagle Blindness" is the best! Paul's grown up a lot this summer.
Did Morgan melt? Where'd he go? Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here on Epic Records and tapes.
The tiger was later acquitted of all charges other than killing the deer, but come on.
Tiger's got to eat, right? Do I hear laughing? I bet something whimsical is happening.
Does anyone else have a weird rash? - There it is, boys.
- Ah, roast Morgan.
Turkey, huh? Ain't even Thanksgiving.
Maybe the tiger's hungry.
- You sit down and eat.
- Yes, father.
It took seeing a man die for Paul to learn to obey.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Let the most wounded get the door first to protect the least wounded.
I love being a dad.
It is not safe to be a Domino's delivery guy in this area.
Who is it? Oh, I think I've got our pose for a Christmas card this year.
Mama came back for the rest of her family.
Wait.
Mothers are supposed to come back? Jim, get the other raccoon.
- Paul.
- They're mine! No, son.
They're not.
Dad, do you know what happened to the last man who crossed me? I left him crawling in the lake with no eyeballs.
Okay, Dad.
Everything furry I love leaves me.
My braid is smiling too.
Son, it might just be the brain injury talking, but I submarine lightbulb.
And they all lived happily ever after except for the one guy who's blind.
Merry Christmas, Mr.
Douglas.
Have a nice vacation.
Place your exams on my desk as you leave.
I'm looking forward to reading your essays on what you could have possibly learned from this incredibly nonsensical poorly conceived and abysmally executed movie! - Paul.
- Here, breathe into this bag.
You stay.
Paul, your father wrote me a long letter.
He explained everything that happened.
Great.
Can somebody please explain it to me? Buddy, breathe.
Breathe.
It's all right.
The rules of this school do not permit the teaching of fairytales.
Personally, they've always fascinated me.
Pinocchio's my favorite.
That's why my acting is so wooden.
When you go on vacation next summer, would you mind if I came along? I would like to meet this Bigfoot.
You think you could arrange it, Paul? Bigfoot went up into the mountains.
I'm sure he'd come down for you.
But you, you're a grownup.
So what? Grownups can't see him.
Except for all the ones that do, it's sort of a sliding scale I guess.
Sad, isn't it? Yes, sir.
Maybe if I mirror his energy, it'll end this awkward conversation once and for all.
Of course, if you believe, truly believe, it doesn't matter how old you are.
What if I only half believe and get Botox? Wow.
Why didn't you show me that before when I was starving you? Kind of feels like music should have started playing about now.
There it is.
Paul, Red Hawk died for real this time and we need a place to crash.
Keep on climbing though you may never reach the top Oh, that's a positive message.
Why try? Keep on climbing Though you may never reach the top He's really grinding it in.
Just think of it If you should accidentally reach it Yeah, hard work and perseverance don't matter.
Just think of the view If you should really ever make it Think of the view because You're not supposed to be there There will always be someone To tear you, tear you down So don't trust anyone You stupid clown And that comes from standing out there from the crowd So anything you do You'll have to do by yourself Standing out in front Makes a damn good target Get ready to take a bullet In the head Those who don't want to climb Don't want you to make it Jonah, let's just give up like the song says.
But dreaming a dream Is better than no dream at all At all Even nine out of ten times You should fall, fall, fall Yeah, I thought my soul was thoroughly crushed by this movie, but, you know, now the song is squeezing out the last little bit.
I've seen enough.
Bitterness and TV's Son of TV's Frank.
Do you hear me? You get a bowl haircut, Swallow your pride at private school And cower under the covers Do you hear me? Huh? I, Red Crow, have chosen you to receive my mystical knowledge, but man must give up all to receive oneness.
Especially the keys to Jonah's backjack spaceship.
You're choosing me? Red Crow? And you want control of Jonah's ship? Sure.
To be strong as a hawk, one must be generous as a magpie.
I've got a lot of magpie friends.
He said yes.
He's buying.
Stop selling! I knew I was special, and I knew something like this was going to happen to me.
Still think I shouldn't play with dolls, Dad? Stand tall on the wings of your dream.
Don't waste another minute on your crying.
It's all right because I'm saved by the bell.
Just give us the keys, you stupid man! Yes.
I knew I was destined for something bigger.
Here, Red Crow, here are the keys to Jonah's ship.
I'm not giving them the keys to Jonah's ship, am I? No.
Uh, if I push the button, will I not be in trouble anymore? Worth a try.