Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Return (2017) s01e03 Episode Script

1 - [laughing.]
- Scandalous.
Hi everybody, welcome to the Satellite of Love.
The bots and I are getting to know each other with a game of "Never Did I Ever.
" Get ready to learn some juicy stuff! Okay, so Okay so Never did I ever breathe oxygen to sustain my existence.
[chuckles.]
Okay, my turn! Never did I ever have to confront my own mortality! This game stopped being fun.
This is lame.
- But we're winning! - [Jonah yelling.]
[theme music playing.]
[Max.]
Mayday.
Mayday.
We need your help.
- Need my help.
- [Max.]
Mayday! Mayday! There was a guy named Jonah Not too different from you or me He worked at Gizmonic Institute Just another mug in a yellow jumpsuit Hello! Hello! What the heck? A distress call came in for him At half-past noon That's when an evil woman trapped him On the dark side of the moon I send him cheesy movies The worst I can find He'll have to sit and watch them all And we'll monitor his mind Keep in mind that Jonah can't control When the movies begin or end So he'll have to keep his sanity With the help of his robot friends Robot roll-call Cambot Gypsy Tom Servo Crow If you're wondering how he Eats and breathes And other science facts Repeat to yourself it's just a show I should really just relax Mystery Science Theater 3000 Never have I ever been sucked up in a tube to the moon! Quiet.
The monsters-in-law are calling.
[beep.]
Top o' the morning, minions! What lucrative technological advances have you got for Momma Kinga and Max today? I prefer to be called TV's Son of TV's Frank.
The only preferences of yours I care about are the ones I sell to Google for datamining! Crow had an invention he wanted to present.
You know how when you buy dried fruit or candy from Japan, there's a silica packet inside? And you really want to eat it? But you can't? There's got to be a better way! Now there is! Dr.
Crow's Old Time Edible Silica Packets.
And they're identical to the inedible silica packets! Delicious! Tastes like buttery Fiddle Faddle! But don't forget, there's always one inedible packet in the box to keep the edible ones fresh.
So don't eat that one.
Oh yuck.
I think that's the one I got.
What have you got, Cellino & Barnes? We're all familiar with Life Alert, the system that alerts emergency services that a senior is having a health crisis.
But what about a health crisis after they die? Presenting, Afterlife Alert! Oh! Hey, we've got one! Yeah.
Afterlife alert! You're on! [woman.]
I've fallen into the sixth level of Purgatory and I can't get up! Are you a glutton, ma'am? No, I was slothful.
You belong on the fourth level.
One our aides will be there shortly.
Thanks for using Afterlife Alert.
Buh-bye.
Now your experiment today is about bending time.
Namely, making 70 minutes feel like forever.
It's a tale of mutants, androids, and really icky future nookie.
Strap-in for the nightmare-fueled world of The Time Travelers.
Send them the movie! Movie in the hole! Echh.
I don't think any of these are edible.
- [beeping.]
- We got movie sign! [Tom.]
What a cool looking title! Hey, let's build a movie around it.
[Crow.]
I'm actually traveling through time at the rate of one hour per hour.
[Tom.]
Oh, Philip Carey's the guy.
I was wondering who'd land the Steve Connors role.
[Jonah.]
A Merry Anders one and all! [Tom.]
I'm dreaming of A Carol White Christmas [Crow.]
Twenty-one! Forty-two! Hoyt! - [Jonah.]
You guys ever drink Varno? - [Tom.]
Is it good? [Jonah.]
It's great, but so expensive.
[Crow.]
LaSalle is French for "the Salle.
" [Tom.]
You are watching the Venetian Blind Channel.
[Jonah.]
Ib Melchior? The man behind Reptilicus? [Crow.]
There's a million Ib Melchiors.
They flooded the movie industry in the '60s with their dope scriptwriting skills.
[Tom.]
William Redlin's name is so big everyone's got to crowd in the corner of the room! [Jonah.]
This is one of those rare movies where one Ib Melchior worked with another Ib Melchior.
[Tom.]
They stay to themselves, like bull elephants.
[Crow.]
But bull elephants with dope screenwriting skills.
[Steiner.]
Power input, computers, tapes, all a go.
Laser beam cycling, normal, cryogenic systems, go.
[Jonah.]
Atomic batteries to power.
Cathodes at 67,000 volts and steady.
Time selector set at present.
All set, Al, standby for time synchronization.
[Al.]
Standing by.
Date, 5 July, '64.
- Time - [Jonah.]
Miller.
eleven hours, fourteen minutes.
- Counting.
- [Crow.]
Is the hardest part of my job.
- [Steve.]
Five - [Tom.]
Bulova.
- four - [Jonah.]
Bulova.
- three - [Crow.]
Bulova.
- two - [Tom.]
Bulova.
- one.
- [Jonah.]
Bulova.
- Mark.
- [Crow.]
Bulova? - [Al.]
Mark.
- Lights.
[Gypsy.]
Rip Torn is Dr.
Strange! Standby to activate image stabilizer switch.
- Ready.
- [Jonah.]
I was born ready.
- [Steiner.]
Switch on.
- [Tom.]
I'm switched on.
Switch on.
[Crow.]
Oh, they're watching Heavy Metal Parking Lot.
[Steve.]
Reception, 100.
[Carol.]
All systems go.
[Steiner.]
Time selector accuracy, 100.
[Jonah.]
Sidewalk sale is go.
Here we go, Al.
[Al.]
Okay.
See you day before yesterday.
[Tom.]
"I will have been was seeing you then?" [Steiner.]
Setting the time selector back 24 hours.
[Crow.]
That should be enough time to save Doc Brown from the Libyans.
- [Steve.]
All go.
- [Carol.]
All go.
- [Jonah.]
We can? - [Steiner.]
Accuracy, 100.
I'm setting the time selector back 48 hours.
[Tom.]
Partnering racist cop and street-smart black criminal, on my mark.
- [Al.]
Sure.
- [Steve.]
Standby.
[Crow.]
Whatcha guys doin'? Some science? Setting, minus one.
[Jonah.]
This is how real audiophiles listen to their music.
[Tom.]
Yeah, awesome system.
It's got "overflow" and everything.
Hello, Steve.
[Crow.]
Love to chit-chat, but we're bending time and space! - Uh, Carol.
- [Jonah.]
Are you out of my league? Oh, hi, Danny.
Look, I know you're all busy, but they sent me down from the front office.
I had to tell them about those extra power cables I got for Doc? And I got chewed out but good.
Gee, Danny, I'm sorry.
We certainly didn't mean to get you in trouble.
Oh, no, that's okay.
I don't mind that.
Anyway, what do they know? Only you see, I Oh, Danny, could you wait just a minute? This check run won't take long.
- [Tom.]
Sorry.
- Yeah, but I'm supposed to [static noise.]
the power.
[Crow.]
You're supposed to "fart" the power? [laughs.]
Oh, nuts.
Go ahead, you guys.
[Jonah.]
Since we're all best friends now and everything.
[Tom.]
Professor Wolfman Jack! [Jonah.]
And Sue Storm, the invisible woman.
At present, the circuits check.
Okay, then.
- What are we waiting for? - [Crow.]
It's five o'clock somewhere! Phase two.
- Phase two it is.
- [Tom.]
Phase two all around! I'll set the time selector at six hours in the future.
[Jonah.]
Seems like a lot of effort to go through just so you don't have to wait for The Bachelor to be on.
Time selector set plus six hours.
[Tom.]
The day they invented daylight savings.
Standby, image stabilizer switch.
[Crow.]
Good Lord, they're messy.
Standing by.
[Jonah.]
How hard is it? I could flip a switch.
[Tom.]
I know he's still standing there, but I'm not gonna look at him.
[Crow.]
West side! - Switch on.
- [Tom.]
I'm always switched on.
Switch on.
[Jonah.]
Do not adjust your TV set well, actually maybe you should adjust it.
[Carol.]
Holding 75,000 and steady.
[Crow.]
Is Danny waiting for a tip? Just give him a dollar so he'll go! Negative.
[Steve.]
Well, let me increase the power input.
Careful.
I'll only take it to the limit of safety.
[Tom.]
Because you're all a bunch of wusses.
[Steiner.]
Negative.
There's one other thing we can try.
Accelerate the laser beam cycling.
[Tom.]
What's a "lasah" beam? Steve, is that safe? - It's a risk.
I say try it.
- [Crow.]
See if I care.
But, Steve, you may blow the system, burn it out.
And we may not.
If we do, we're out of business.
But if we don't get this damn thing working, we're out of business and for good.
[Jonah.]
And I, for one, like business.
All right.
Try it.
[Tom.]
We only have ten minutes before the real scientists return from lunch, let's do this! Seventy-six thousand and climbing.
[Crow.]
Clown nose is ready! Hold it, Steve.
Enough.
[Jonah.]
Tim & Eric got abstract.
I have a circuit overload warning.
Better drop the voltage.
- No, wait.
- [static noise.]
It could be the calibrations.
The future circuits may be on.
[Tom.]
Someone got a label-maker for Christmas.
Try moving the wheel ahead The major one.
[Crow.]
You mean this big one? Keep going to the top.
- [Jonah.]
I love that you're guiding me.
- Keep going.
That's it, Steve.
I'm past the calibration into the future.
- How far? - Past 100,000 years.
Maybe twice that more.
I'm bringing the wheel back.
[Tom.]
Wheels have been out of style for too long! [Crow.]
Hey, down in front! - [Jonah.]
Whu? - [Carol.]
What was that? What? [Carol.]
I thought I saw something.
Nothing.
Time selector set at plus six hours.
[Tom.]
Eh, hipster scientists with their analog time machines.
[Steve.]
I'm gonna open up the laser cycling all the way.
Steve! - Take her back, take it back! - [Crow.]
He burnt the popcorn! The office is gonna smell.
[Carol.]
Steve, you're overshooting! Take it back the other way! - The other way! - [Jonah.]
The beats are too sick! Bring in the drop! [Steve.]
The power, cut it! [Carol.]
Wait a minute! Look! [Tom.]
Breaking Bad is on! No, Sons of Anarchy! [Jonah.]
No, it's Game of Thrones, but just the Dothraki parts! [Tom.]
Which Planet of the Apes is this? I can't keep them straight.
[Carol.]
The test area! The campus! It couldn't be! [Crow.]
Well it is spring break.
It it looks almost prehistoric.
[Jonah.]
Or like Reno.
There's a couple of circuits Completely fused.
- The time selector.
- What's the reading, Steve? [Tom.]
It says "Your wish is granted.
" I'm gonna be big! One hundred and seven years.
Take that, statute of limitations.
[Carol.]
That's impossible! In the future.
Holy McKee.
The campus like that in 100 years? - It couldn't be! - Of course it couldn't - "Unless " - [all.]
Unless The future.
- A window to the future - [Tom.]
A really good one.
Double-hung, energy efficient, easy to clean.
Discovered by accident.
This happened before [Jonah.]
Uh, Danny? - many times.
- [Jonah.]
Earth to Danny.
Fleming discovered penicillin by accident [Jonah.]
Come in, Danny.
- RÃntgen, X-rays.
- [Crow.]
Danny? And we [Tom.]
Wiki, wiki, wiki! - The end of the world.
- We don't know that! There's much to do.
We must note every reading.
We must know which circuits were fused, and what new connections were made.
We're gonna have to work fast.
I don't know how stable that image is.
- It may collapse at any second.
- [Crow.]
Out of the way, dweeb! [Tom.]
Could someone get Danny a Highlights magazine or a bag of chips to occupy him while we do grown-up stuff? [Jonah.]
Everybody ignores me.
They make me wear a gas station attendant uniform.
But if that's the future? I could start all over.
Everything I am becomes an asset! Yeah, I'm wearing coveralls.
But they'll finally worship me because I have a zipper! Hey, you know something? [Tom.]
I'm tired of how you guys ignore me.
This picture.
It isn't just a picture.
It looks like 3D.
[Jonah.]
How's that for science talk? It looks like you could step right into it.
[Tom.]
Like a fresh blue jumpsuit! [Crow.]
It's almost like there's a couple Styrofoam rocks in front of a rear projection screen or something.
[Jonah.]
Danny, this is no time for your tai chi.
- [Tom.]
Kssh! - [all laughing.]
Doc! Hey, Doc! Not now, Danny.
Yeah, but look! [Crow.]
I'm cracking the seal on the future! See? My hand's 100,000 years old! What I've been trying to tell you! It isn't just a picture! [Jonah.]
It's a thousand words! [Crow.]
Can someone please tase Danny for me? You know what this means? We must have created not only a window to the future, but a doorway.
A time rift, a warp of the space-time continuum through which matter can pass.
[Jonah.]
You'se guys! - Chronic shorts, the fused wiring - There's no time! It may collapse as quickly as it came into being! The readings, the new circuits, come on, quickly.
[Tom.]
It's astounding! Time is fleeting! [Jonah.]
Madness takes its toll! [Tom.]
Somewhere Out there [Jonah.]
Remember, everyone, if we avoid eye contact long enough, - Danny will just go away.
- [Crow.]
Is he still looking at us? [Jonah.]
Just check out of the corner of your eye.
Tell me what he's doing.
[Tom.]
Hello! Manchild who needs constant attention.
Hey, Doc.
I'll take a look out there.
Tell you what it's like.
[Crow.]
The radiation's cooking my organs! No, Danny! No! [Jonah.]
Why isn't he wearing his collar? [Max.]
Looks like Danny has run into the barren wasteland of the future, but it takes more than one to form the plural of time travelers.
You're watching MST3K Moon 13, The Moon.
[music playing.]
Danny, come back! The warp is unstable.
It might collapse.
[Tom.]
I refuse to believe the future is in SD.
[Steiner.]
He can't hear us! Sound won't pass through the time portal! [Crow.]
Nobody's gonna get me Lucky Charms! Hee hee! [Steve.]
Looks like he's trapped! No, no, Steve.
I'll go.
[Jonah.]
I'm his father.
It's my responsibility.
I'm still the senior here.
- [Crow.]
Obey the beard.
- Both of you, get back to the panel.
See that the settings remain exactly as they are! Watch for a burnout.
Go on, Steve! [Tom.]
I'm kind of digging this gritty reboot of Mike TV.
[Jonah.]
Unghhh! Oh, God! [Crow.]
Ah, the scientific way of walking, "two steps forward and one to the side".
[Tom.]
Doodle Doo da Doo da Doo da, doodle deedle da da, da da da - Steve! - [Jonah.]
A call on the interociter! [Crow.]
Danger! High voltage! [Tom.]
They'll watch the old guy later, it's recording.
[Jonah.]
Blue Steel! [Crow.]
Ooh, prairie dogs! Look! [Tom.]
Ick! Don't go to the bathroom in front of the time window! [Jonah.]
Hee hee hee! Hoo hoo hoo! [Carol.]
Steve! [Carol.]
What are they? Watch the panels.
Keep the portal open.
[Jonah.]
It's up to you and me, magic flute! - Steve! - [Tom.]
You mind the controls, woman.
It's hero time! [Crow.]
Great, I'm all alone, and Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes will be here any minute for their big recording session.
What do I do? [Jonah.]
You know, it would be easy for me to turn this off and start all over.
[Jonah.]
Nobody wrote me any dialogue.
I'll use my improv training.
All I need is a suggestion from [Tom.]
I didn't know this was a "Rock" -y movie.
- [Crow.]
You lost me.
- [Tom.]
Forget it.
[Crow.]
Come on, Carol, you know you want to jump into that barren, radioactive wasteland Get in there! - [all.]
Do it, do it, do it! - [Jonah.]
Hmm.
Stay here alone forever, or go out and risk seeing Danny [Tom.]
Ooh, the hills have guys [Crow.]
Hi, we're the new neighbors! We made dumpcake! [Jonah.]
What I wouldn't give for Danny to throw at them right now.
[Tom.]
Blue Man Group's a lot creepier without their makeup.
[Crow.]
How about a little fire, scarecrow? [Tom.]
Oh now she misses them.
Filled with regret.
[Jonah.]
Wait, why didn't she use that fire extinguisher on the actual fire earlier? [Tom.]
Oh no! Water damage! That's not covered by the warranty! [Crow.]
Control, alt, delete! Control, alt, delete! [Jonah.]
Ib, how much longer? Do we have this take yet? Twist, twist.
[Tom.]
You're getting sleepy Sleep! [Crow.]
Yeah! Do it! Come on, do it! Steve! Erik! Come back! Come back.
[Jonah.]
I need you to sign my timecard! [Tom.]
Note she didn't ask Danny to come back.
[Jonah.]
Oh, the future is a pleasant 77 degrees.
[Crow.]
I get it, I know what's going to happen.
This dystopian wasteland is going to turn her into a Furiosa-style killing machine.
[Tom.]
She's got to lose that hair.
[Crow.]
That goes without saying.
But I'll say it anyway.
Steve! Come back! The portal's collapsing! - [Jonah.]
It's "wobbling.
" - Steve! - Erik? - [Tom.]
Again, not Danny! Come back! The portal's collapsing! [Crow.]
Pretty sure I saw some science over here [Carol.]
Steve! Erik! Come back! [Jonah.]
We'll finish the relay race later.
But it's still a race! [Tom.]
I can't watch them run, it's so embarrassing.
[Crow.]
I can't believe I left my purse in the past! - Carol! - Quickly, the portal's collapsing.
[Jonah.]
I'll hit it with my pipe! - Come on.
- Wait! [Crow.]
We haven't said goodbye to the mutants yet.
[Tom.]
Happy New Year! Get it? [Jonah.]
We wait for future versions of ourselves to pop in and rescue us.
It's a snap! Yup.
Any minute now.
[Tom.]
Heh heh.
Goodbye, alimony.
[Crow.]
Do I get paid overtime for traveling "over time"? [Jonah.]
From now on, I have one mission.
Avoiding spoilers.
[Tom.]
You had one job, Carol! Steve, they came after me! They tried to get into the lab! I had to leave the controls! Steve, look! [Jonah.]
Paparazzi! [Tom.]
After the bomb, all that was left was red rover.
[Crow.]
It's like Mad Max without all the cool driving.
[Jonah.]
Why did I bring Reynolds Wrap? Get to those rocks.
We'll try and lose them.
[Crow.]
Which rocks, Steve? Be specific, it's all rocks! Everywhere is rocks! [Tom.]
Bald Boys, Bald Boys Whatcha gonna do Whatcha gonna do when they Bald for you [Jonah.]
No! This is where you get kidnapped by Jawas! [Crow.]
Jonah, that's what you look like when you run.
[Jonah.]
Hey.
Come on, pitch in! I got plenty of ammo! [Tom.]
You hit Carol, nincompoop.
[Crow.]
That's right, eggheads! Now we're playing Danny's game! [Jonah.]
You brought that pipe 100,000 years into the future just to throw it? Why? [Tom.]
No guys, guys you swing! Swing at them! Here, one's coming at you underhand, try that.
That won't hold them off for long.
But there's a little cave up the canyon.
- How far? - Oh, a couple of hundred feet.
- Lead the way.
- Come on.
[Jonah.]
Now that we're best friends, I can be a junior scientist and hang out with you back at the lab, what do you say? [Tom and Crow.]
No! [Jonah.]
But what about my throwing rocks idea? Doesn't it make up for getting us stranded in this wasteland full of angry mutants? [Tom and Crow.]
No! [Crow.]
I know there's a back entrance to Coachella here somewhere.
Right in there! [Tom.]
It's just not fair to make scientists run.
Carol! Over there! Keep an eye out for them! Get as many rocks as you can! [Jonah.]
I'll just stand here and be a human shield for you dolts.
[Carol.]
Here they come! [Crow.]
Don't fire 'til you see the pink of their scalps! [Tom.]
Science Squad and Danny, on MeTV! [Crow.]
These natives are loud when they hunt.
It's a wonder they catch anything.
[Jonah.]
It's like a middle school dance.
Scientists on one side, mutants on the other.
Everyone's too nervous to make the first move.
But with the right DJ [Tom.]
Oh why don't you attack them, instead of watching 'em to death! The future is wasted on mutants! Now! [Crow.]
Vogue, vogue, vogue [Jonah.]
Kamikaze mimes! Brilliant.
[Tom.]
Ingenious.
They silently die so we can live! [Jonah.]
This used to happen with birds at my old office.
[Crow.]
Green light! [Tom.]
Yeah, tell your friends! We got more rocks! [Jonah.]
Danny, stop trying to act like you're gonna figure this out.
[Crow.]
It's acoustically perfect, whatever it is.
What is it? [Tom.]
It's Glad press n' seal.
And a lot of it! [Crow.]
Stand back, I'll lick it and see what it tastes like! [Jonah.]
I got the acting bug! I got a shock! I got an electric shock! Electricity? Are you sure? Doc, if there's one thing I do know, it's what an electric shock feels like.
- What do you make of it? - [Tom.]
Danny's an idiot.
It must be an electrically charged field.
A force field barrier.
- That's quite correct.
- [all.]
Gah! [Jonah.]
We are from France.
[Tom.]
There's mascara in the future? [Crow.]
Zippy the Pinhead? [Jonah.]
Pistachios, anyone? [Tom.]
Piff poff, what's this? [Jonah.]
Nancy Reagan? [Crow.]
Sorry, I couldn't remember what humans looked like when I built them.
I am Gadra.
Don't be alarmed.
The androids won't harm you.
- Come with me.
- Wait a minute.
- Hold it.
- [Tom.]
Stranger danger laser! - How do we know that - How do you know that you will be safe? You don't.
[Steiner.]
All right.
We'll go with you.
[Jonah.]
Steve, you've been voted out of the cave.
Please pick up your aluminum foil and go.
It seems we have very little choice.
I sympathize with your frustration.
[Crow.]
Deal with it.
Four-Seven, Seven-One, seal the opening.
[Tom.]
Teacher's pets.
- Six-Seven, let us through.
- [Crow.]
One-Three, draw my bath.
Four-Nine, make me a turkey sub.
[Jonah.]
Come on, let's snap it up, androids, this isn't called The Take Your Time Travelers! Ho! [all humming a tune.]
[Tom.]
Garage door openers of the future! Please.
[Jonah.]
Would it have been that much of a hassle to make the hole bigger so no one had to duck? Just a thought.
[Crow.]
Oh, great, more cave.
You couldn't transport us to like a Chili's or something? [Tom.]
And I didn't think the future was so musty.
Haven't you invented the dehumidifier yet? [Jonah humming.]
- How? - [Jonah humming.]
Or is it a secret? Oh, it's no secret.
But I don't believe I can make this phenomenon intelligible to you.
[Jonah.]
Oh snap! Try me.
Well, it's a temporary alteration of the molecular structure of the rock.
We shrink it, you might say through a microscopic hole bored through the rock by the L Tube.
[Tom.]
Thanks for "womansplaining" that to me.
- A laser beam drill? - "Lasah?" Yes! Yes! A modification! Oh, do come with me! All your questions will be answered.
[Crow.]
I'm so glad you guys aren't complete idiots.
[Tom.]
I'm getting kind of a Grey Gardens vibe off this woman? [Jonah.]
Don't mind me, just changing the molecular structure of a rock hole rather than put in a simple door with a lock.
Whoops.
[Crow.]
So ancient people lived in caves and future people live in caves.
Why'd you leave? [Tom.]
I'm just thinking out loud, Doc, but you should totally go for that.
Where are you taking us? To our council chambers.
To Dr.
Varno, our Council Senior.
I knew it, take me to your leader.
[Jonah.]
Shut up, Danny.
Dr.
Varno will be as interested in asking you questions as you will be in having yours answered.
[Crow.]
And he'll want to know your shoe size.
He's got this thing about feet.
Listen up, punks! We are long overdue for a time portal safety drill! Gypsy, take the floor.
Time portal disasters may seem unlikely, but they can strike at any time! Is this really a problem for us in space? Son, a time portal's just a big hole.
And space is full of holes.
Black holes! Wormholes! You better believe this is a problem! - Ow! - Hey, come on.
Can anyone tell me what to do if you encounter a time portal? Sure, use it to skip to the end of this lecture.
- Zip it, shrimp! - Jet Screen! T-I-M-E.
Tell someone.
Identify when the portal goes to.
Make a plan.
And enter the portal, comma, not! That last one's really confusing.
You try coming up with something that starts with "E"! Maggot! - Stop it! - Hey! Let's run through a scenario.
This is a portal to 1920 Chicago.
Servo, what do you do? Simple.
Establish myself as the king of the south side! Nyah, see! Out of my turf, Capone! This town belongs to Tommy Candybowl, see! - And that's me! Nyah! - No, no, no! You've changed the past, and now the future is a nuclear wasteland! From the 1920's? Changing the past always turns the future into a nuclear wasteland.
It just does! Crow, here's your scenario.
A dinosaur comes through the portal.
What do you? I take great pains not to change the course of history, creating a butterfly effect.
Good good.
Then I saddle up the dinosaur, ride into Nazi Germany, and we all go a-Hitler-hunting! Yeehah! - [beeping.]
- Movie sign! [Steiner.]
The force field barrier saved our lives.
We are grateful.
[Tom.]
Dude's sporting some He-vage! [Steiner.]
But understandably, we're at a loss for some explanations.
[Jonah.]
I figured as much.
Less than an hour ago we were in my laboratory on our Earth.
And now [Crow.]
I'm sorry, your weird clothes are really distracting.
You are still in your own world, Dr.
Von Steiner.
Earth.
The year is 2071.
But our world is dying.
- Dying? - [Jonah.]
Dying? Except for a few hundred of us here in these caves, mankind no longer exists.
[Tom.]
Though we've got androids up the wazoo.
But why, Dr.
Varno, how? I wish I could tell you the reason was a natural or cosmic catastrophe But I'm afraid it was man's own folly.
[Crow.]
He's like if Rutger Hauer had a baby with Susan Powter.
[Jonah.]
And the survey says! [explosion.]
[Tom.]
Who keeps an Armageddon disaster video queued up at all times? Is it common, time travelers needing an orientation to the Earth's demise? [Crow.]
Look at what we did.
Look at it! Here in our underground domain, we are the descendants of a small group of far thinking scientists and their families.
We are the last normal human beings on Earth.
How do you plan to survive on an Earth that is dead? - We don't.
- [Crow.]
Oh, okay.
There is a creeping death all around us and we cannot stay.
But where can you go? To another world.
- [Steve.]
Mars? - No.
[Jonah.]
The sun? No other planet in our solar system can support human life.
Then where? We must go to the stars.
To another planetary system, where Earth-like worlds have been detected.
To the system of Alpha Centauri.
Twenty-five thousand billion miles? Such a journey would take generations.
Yes, let me show you something.
I think it may interest you all.
[Tom.]
It's called Interstellar.
It's got a very similar plot, but Matthew McConaughey's in it.
And Matt Damon.
Lots of big stars.
I think you'll like it.
Once again Christopher Nolan entertains without underestimating the audience's intelligence.
Sure, the ending's a bit iffy, but the effects are amazing.
All shot and finished on film.
This is the single purpose for which we live in labor.
The starship It stands in a crater once blown from the very bedrock by a nuclear bomb.
The only entrance to it is through our tunnels.
It is now being readied for the journey.
[Steve.]
But generations of It's impossible.
- No, you see, we will not be going - [explosion sound.]
[Crow.]
Oh sorry, something exciting's happening in another movie.
[beeping.]
Breakthrough? [man.]
No, explosion in fuel primer pit.
Damage? [man.]
Two androids.
One, total.
One, injured, arm and head.
- Is the spool intact? - [all.]
The spool.
[man.]
Not known.
He's being taken to assembly in maintenance four.
I'm coming down.
Gadra, you and Willard check the primer pit.
- Yes, sir.
- Dr.
Von Steiner [Jonah.]
Can we reschedule? If you and your party would care to come with me, you will see with your own eyes one of our android assembly plants.
[Tom.]
Sorry redheads, no future for you.
[Crow.]
It's kind of like Build-a-Bear Workshop, but instead of plush toys you make horrible mouthless androids.
[Tom.]
Is the music we're listening to a little too chipper for the horror we're about to see? [Jonah.]
Each one of our androids is artisanally right-crafted from only the finest components.
Why, even the heads are locally sourced.
[Tom.]
What are you doing? Oh, cripes, it hurts so much! Oh, thanks.
[Tom.]
Oh no, the second one hurts even more! Lord above! Hey, that's not half bad.
[Crow.]
Now, one for the mouth hole.
[Jonah.]
I'll leave this here for when Arya Stark needs to assassinate someone.
And once again, this show remains relevant.
[Tom.]
Who knew that Area 51 is teeming with Mary Kay Cosmetics reps? [Crow.]
You just said "area.
" [Jonah.]
And now to painfully install a sense of wonderment.
[grunting.]
[Tom.]
Oh, she's testing the android's body thetans with her e-meter.
[Crow.]
And now it owes her a hundred thousand dollars.
[Jonah.]
Hey, Gina, I had the weirdest dream.
I was a creepy head with eyes on a shelf.
And you were in it.
Oh, my God! Where am I? [Crow.]
Rats, I got the eyes wrong again.
I'm going to have to incinerate this one.
[Tom.]
When did this switch from a movie to a training video for a job that doesn't exist? [Crow.]
Think about it: iPad, iPhone, eye-ball.
This is already happening.
[Jonah.]
We've secretly slipped one real eye in with these fake ones.
Let's see if Sharon notices the difference.
[Tom.]
Good, they're done assembling human body parts in a nightmarish display Oh, cheese and crackers! [Crow.]
Just checking to make sure all the androids are Caucasian.
[Jonah.]
Looking good, guys! I'm actually more of a transition device than a real employee.
[Crow.]
I'm afraid to see what the next shot is going to bring.
Oh! Oh no Oh! [Tom.]
How come we always end up on crotch detail? What did we do wrong? [Crow.]
Oh, you randy little ugnaught! That is starting to hurt! I say, R2! [Jonah.]
Okay, that's enough, Crow.
[Crow.]
What's wrong, Master Jonah? Are you not impressed with my dead-on C3P0 impression? [Crow.]
Ooh, and there's another one! More reason to continue with this voice! [Tom.]
Say Bob, you ever feel like you can never touch another human being, because it just reminds you of the horrible fleshoids we handle here? [Jonah.]
Every day, Jim! Here comes the meat hook.
[Crow.]
Hi Laverne! Hi Shirl! [Tom.]
Is it just me, or is this guy spending an inordinate amount of time on this android's, um, "and-groin"? [Jonah.]
"And-groin"? Did you just make that word up? [Tom.]
I had to do something, we burned through the words "area" and "crotch".
[Crow.]
Here comes another one.
Parading his "ro-batch" right by the camera.
Thank you.
Disgusting! [Jonah.]
That was the day we ate the last eagle.
No starship, however gigantic, could possibly carry enough supplies for all of us for more than a generation.
Holy McKee! Then how do you propose to make the journey? In suspended animation.
[Jonah.]
Like South Park? - Yes, that's how we shall do it.
- [Tom.]
Don't question it.
To care for us in that state, to service the starship in flight and to help build it.
We're making these androids Humanoid robots of high skill and intelligence.
- [Jonah.]
And creepiness.
- This is quite a place, doctor.
Yes.
You see, the androids are constantly being repaired here.
You have that many accidents? - No.
- [Crow.]
We hunt them.
Of course, they do take on the most dangerous jobs, but there's quite another matter.
You see, they're often damaged in battle.
We're in a race which may bring all our efforts to nothing.
[Jonah.]
Tough Mudder.
And we may not win that race.
A race? With whom, Dr.
Varno? - [Crow.]
Dick Dastardly.
- You've already encountered them.
The mutants? They're constantly seeking and finding new ways to penetrate our caves and break down our defenses.
We're under constant attack.
That's why we must always be armed.
But they're hardly human, doctor.
No, but they're clever, they're very cunning.
A society organized along military lines.
[Tom.]
And necklines.
[music playing.]
[Max.]
Jonah Heston's vehicle, the Backjack, remains permanently chained at the bottom of the Moon 13 elevator shaft.
And I've changed all of his preset radio stations, too! [laughs.]
You're watching MST3K Moon 13, The Moon! Their primitive life has been forced upon them and they are more dangerous than you think.
But you see, it's only been a few years the mutants have been attacking us at all.
Before that, for generations, they shunned us.
They held us responsible.
And there was no need for arms.
- [Jonah.]
Jeez, we really hit a nerve.
- But why do they attack you now? [Varno.]
They want our stores, our supplies.
Food is becoming more and more difficult to come by up there.
- They are starving.
- [Crow.]
Stupid mutants.
Why can't you give them the food to keep them from dying? [Varno.]
My dear, they're practically dead already.
[Tom.]
And we're racist.
If we were to give them our food, we'd soon die too.
[Jonah.]
No thank you! Yes, the mutants are becoming a very real and ever growing menace.
[Crow.]
Like Dennis.
It's only a question of time before a full-scale raid succeeds and wipes out our colony.
Before that happens, we must finish the starship or perish.
[Tom.]
Bad case of Droid Rot.
You really need to keep your droid in a cool, dry place.
[Crow.]
But where are my manners? Wanna try on a leg or two? [Tom.]
And which part of the human centipede do you want to be? [Jonah.]
And here's the craps table.
At night we turn this into an android factory theme casino.
[Crow.]
Okay, lean back and let the old magic fingers get to work.
- Are you comfortable? - [Tom mumbling.]
[Crow.]
You're carrying a lot of robo-tension in your neck.
- We'll work that out.
- [Tom mumbling.]
Demagnetizing.
The head unit is locked on with a magnetic ring.
[Jonah.]
You know, for as many times as I've watched this process, it never fails to thrill me.
[Crow.]
Oh, yeah, these tonsils are gonna have to come out.
[Jonah.]
And Ta-da! You guys know how they did that trick, right? [Crow.]
Yeah, they demagnetized the android's head.
Whoopie ding.
[Jonah.]
No, no, if you notice there's no cuts.
The android walks in, lays down, and they take his head off.
All in one shot.
How did they do it? [Tom.]
Didn't they do it by detaching an android's head? [Jonah.]
No, this was done in the days before robots.
In the '60s.
They had to do it all with prosthetic shells and clever staging.
[Crow.]
Boy, yeah, they sure seem proud of it, too.
They're spending so much time on this.
[Tom.]
Yeah, this android better become like the main character of the movie, or I'm going to tear off my head.
And I'm not gonna need some candy-ass special base with mirrors in it to accomplish the illusion.
I exaggerate to clarify! [Crow.]
Say, what do they do with the old, damaged head? [Jonah.]
They give it to the Goodwill and it gets re-purposed into a flower pot or something.
[Tom.]
Yeah, they're trying to give back.
It doesn't always work.
Sometime an android will see his original head being used as a flowerpot in a garden or a nursing home, and go on a killing spree.
[Jonah.]
It's not a perfect system.
But then, in this world of the future of underground mutants and Dr.
Varno's vacillating sexuality, you take what you can get.
[Crow.]
Don't, we forgot to give him eyes! Don't let him go! It's not gonna work! Psh! It's amazing, Dr.
Varno.
Amazing.
[Tom.]
The amazing Dr.
Varno! At the Circus Circus! This spool here contains a complete record of everything the android did right up to the instant of the accident.
[Crow.]
Everything.
And by analyzing that, you can find out exactly what went wrong and learn possibly what not to do.
- Exactly.
- [Jonah.]
Danny doesn't care.
[woman.]
Attention.
Four android, report to starship machine shop.
Come, let me take you to the rooms you will occupy.
We can talk later.
Thank you.
[Tom.]
There's legs on the walls there, too.
Uh, doctor, could I stick around a little longer? Why, certainly, if you so desire.
You are interested in the plant? The plant? Oh, it's some lab.
[Jonah.]
On the prowl eh, Danny? I've been there.
[Crow.]
Can we leave, too? I don't know that I'm ready to see Danny "do his thing.
" - Hi.
- Be well.
Yeah, you too.
You're a good looking boy.
[Tom.]
Yeah, you too.
Well, you're pretty cute yourself.
[Jonah.]
I like it that your mouth works.
- I-I I - Will you be with me later? [Crow.]
You're really throwing off my creep game.
Well, I-uh Well, sure.
You bet.
I know all the single men of the colony, but no one interests me.
Well, that's fine.
You do.
Will you come to my cubicle? [Crow.]
I have a slinky and a Dilbert calendar.
Uh sure.
My work hours end at ten.
[Jonah.]
But that's past my curfew! Where do I H-H-How do I find your uh cubicle? [Tom.]
Is that an "out-uendo"? I mean, "innuendo"! Maybe you better meet me in the little rec hall.
- Anyone will show you the way.
- Great.
[Jonah.]
Dear Time Traveler forum, I never thought it would happen to me Would you put this over there, please? Sure.
- See you at ten? - Try and stop me.
[Crow.]
That's what the mace is for.
Holy McKee! I thought I was giving her the eye.
[Jonah.]
You know, when a beautiful woman of the future really comes on strong and then hands you a tray of eyeballs harvested from her former lovers, maybe you should just stay friends, Danny.
[Tom.]
Yeah, Danny, you really think she needed help moving eye balls three feet? These are the warning signs, man! Wake up! [Crow.]
This guy's got all the signs of a shoplifter.
[Tom.]
Nothing! Just browsing! Good morrow! Fair dinkum! To you, and your android family.
[Jonah.]
You know, Woody Allen stole this bit for Sleeper.
[Crow.]
I'm distracted easily.
Be well.
[Tom.]
He's traveled a hundred thousand years into the future just so he can hang around a different lab.
[Jonah.]
Uh-oh, I smell hijinks! [Tom.]
Wow, he's getting more action today than he has in the past century! [Crow.]
And that robot was programmed to deal with sexual harassment complaints.
Now look at it.
Sad really.
[Jonah.]
Either this hand is defective, or it's doing exactly what it's programmed to do.
Ah, I'll just put that back there.
[Tom.]
Oh, you're shaming me? I guess I was asking for it by wearing these loose-fitting coveralls.
[Jonah.]
Oh, so all of this takes place in a community college library, huh! [Crow.]
I've got a feeling it's time for Danny's big assembly line musical number! Music swells, and it starts right about Oh great.
Varno.
Of course, Dr.
Von Steiner, we'll give you all the help you need in reconstructing your time space warp, and the portal, back to your own time.
Thank you.
We'd like to start at once.
It'll take time.
Can you do it in a month? A month? No, four, maybe three, but The starship is scheduled to blast off in one month's time.
- [Tom.]
We sent an evite! - But we must return.
With what we know now, we must go back and warn everyone.
We'll make it.
[Willard.]
You will not.
[Crow.]
Someone forgot to say "yes and.
" And what makes you so sure? Isn't it obvious? [Jonah.]
Lawrence O'Donnell? The war did happen.
You never did go back with your warning.
There must be something we can do, Steve? No, Carol, no.
He's right, we can't change the past.
And we can't go back.
But you can go on with us.
[Tom.]
Just bring your necklines down about six inches or so.
Come on Dr.
Varno, we'd be proud to join you.
- I'm game.
- [Jonah.]
Aw, Danny.
Meanwhile, what can we do to help? I would like Dr.
Connors to work with Willard and myself on the photon drive.
There are still rough spots Gadra, I don't see how I think it's an excellent suggestion, Gadra, provided Dr.
Connors agrees.
- Of course.
- [beeping.]
[Crow.]
His knowledge is only a century behind.
Varno, here.
[man.]
Survey room reporting.
Data from Titan surveyor just coming in.
Good.
Maintain the contact.
I shall want to check the results myself.
[man.]
Yes, sir.
Dr.
Von Steiner, why don't you come with me? Thank you.
[Tom.]
Everyone got their complimentary gun under their pillow this morning.
Just another service we provide in the future.
[Crow.]
Now I'm Varno! And everyone has to deal with my sexual mores.
[woman.]
Data collection center.
This is Councilman Willard.
Ready all starship operations and supply data for a special check.
[woman.]
Any specific area? Yes, capacity calculations.
I want to verify the impossibility of adding extra individuals to the complements.
[woman.]
The data will be ready.
[Jonah.]
Nice job introducing confirmation bias there, Willard.
[Crow.]
So are we waiting for them to get back to him, or what? [Tom.]
Gentlemen, I call it Epcot! Hey, everybody.
I wanna welcome our newest robot, Fixy! Fixy is a top of the line maintenance bot.
His waste comes out as Febreeze-scented gold-dust.
Plus, Fixy's got a really warm, can-do attitude.
He's Fixy.
He literally thinks his stuff doesn't stink! We could fix things, we just don't want to! [grunting.]
Meet Slappy, the home entertainment robot! Programmed with over 7,000 pitch perfect impressions from Frank Sinatra to Bollywood legend, Amitabh Bachchan! And is Slappy Xbox compatible? Of course Slappy is.
He's Slappy.
Funnier than us, huh? Why you little ! I do impressions, too! I'm Robert DeNiro in The Untouchables! Ha! Come here! [sniffing.]
Mmm, something smells good! Must be what Quozy is cooking! Quozy can turn three radishes and some moldy bread into a feast fit for James Beard! Also, Quozy picks winning racehorses with astonishing accuracy.
Just because! It's Quozy.
Can you smell what Servo's cooking? It's a bat to your face! Open wide, the choo-choo is smashing into the station! Between you and me, these robots don't even work.
I've just learned that regular outbursts keep these little guys' fluid dynamic systems in tip-top shape.
Don't you ever try to build a new robot again! Let's get him! - [beeping.]
- We got movie sign! Movie sign! Put the Titan surveyor on the master screen.
[Crow.]
You mean the only screen that's not already on? Sure.
[Tom.]
Live action Wall-E! [Jonah.]
As you can see, an army of ants has stolen our lawn mower Thank you.
[Crow.]
Return to staring at a blank screen.
Let me show you the world we are going to make into our new Earth.
Come.
[Tom.]
We won this for selling the most Chryslers.
[Jonah.]
General Zod still trapped in there? Great.
Is the voyager in position for a good picture of new Earth? Yes, sir.
It is.
Excellent.
This is a cosmic camera receiver, Dr.
Von Steiner.
[Crow.]
Or "fax machine".
Between the glass panes is a layer of transparent film.
Watch.
[Tom.]
He's the Mac Genius.
Alpha Centauri Four.
[Jonah.]
Actual size.
It has an oxygen atmosphere, water Gravity close to the Earth's.
It can support life, human life.
- [Crow.]
Kepler 186-F.
- Instantaneous.
Instantaneous transmission, how can this be? Only instantaneous printing, Dr.
Von Steiner.
[Jonah.]
Inkjet.
This was transmitted to us with the speed of light.
Four and one-half years ago.
[Tom.]
We just throw these away.
You can have it.
What you are seeing now is what our new home looked like then.
[Jonah.]
Let us take you there now, through the magic of harp sounds and focus.
[harp sounds.]
[Crow.]
Even comes with its own Australia.
[Tom.]
Oh no, a Cirque du Soleil broke out! [Crow.]
Aaaah! Run! [Jonah.]
Is one of these the planet they're going to? [Tom.]
Dr.
Von Steiner, Alpha Centauri Four loves to party.
[Crow.]
Kids these days and their electro-Hawaiian music.
Doesn't make sense.
[Jonah.]
It's amazing how complicated Simon got over the years.
Used to be four, maybe five buttons.
[Tom.]
Well, that's progress for you.
[Crow.]
Danny looks on with the cold, dead eyes of a serial killer.
[Jonah.]
Of all the music that could have survived doomsday, only Esquivel made it? [Crow.]
Give her credit, she's working at least as hard as Skrillex does.
[Tom.]
Cowboy boots with granny panties, and a bra made out of toilet paper.
It works for me! [Jonah.]
Not a lot of options at this key party, Carol.
I know.
[Crow.]
Don't you hate when you go over to your friend's house to play videogames and they just hog it the whole time? It's like, "you can play this anytime".
[Tom.]
Stucco is an interesting choice they went with [garbling.]
[Crow.]
Should I call HR about this? [Jonah.]
You know, this is the longest he's stood next to a screen without jumping through it.
[Tom.]
Okay, just about tuned up.
Ready for the first song, Danny! This one's going out to you! [Crow.]
Okay, enough with the glissandos, Joanna Newsom.
[Jonah.]
How much longer can I appear interested in this? [squealing.]
[Crow.]
Okay, here comes my favorite part Here's the solo Now take it down to the bridge.
And second solo.
And back to the bridge.
And hop into the breakdown! Yeah! [Jonah.]
I learned how to play at Reiki massage school.
These chords are good for your chakras.
[Tom.]
Pick up the Time Travelers soundtrack, available now from Elektra Records.
[Jonah clapping.]
Bravo.
- What do you think of our lumichord? - [Crow.]
It stinks! - Well? - [Tom.]
Want to eat some stucco? I really didn't think that they would still be here.
[Jonah.]
That's why I played that horrible song.
And what about us? [Crow.]
I'm glad even in the future, first dates are awkward.
[Tom.]
Hey Jonah, it's you and your pillow! - [Crow.]
Hah! - [Jonah.]
Hey.
[Tom.]
Welding! Serving as a powerful metaphor for human coupling! Or, in a pinch, industry! [Crow.]
Oh, this was back when the Dharma Initiative was just another start-up.
[Jonah.]
I'll just take these files to the black smoke monster.
BRB! [Crow.]
It's tedious work, but Lord knows the space ark is gonna need really long spaghetti noodles for its journey.
[Tom.]
Mixology has come into its own and been recognized as one of the hard sciences! [Tom.]
Here, huge quantities of crème de menthe must be molecularly compressed for storage! To make onboard grasshoppers on Sunday nights! [Jonah.]
You can do this.
Come on, come on Darn it! Okay, one more time.
Come on triangle, you can do this.
Darn it! [Crow.]
Forrest J.
Ackerman! You're running low on liners.
You think you can catch up? Don't worry.
I'm keeping our spacemen happy.
- [Tom.]
That's "Spa-chem-in.
" - Getting things squared away.
[Crow.]
I don't get it.
Of course, conventional fuel will be used for lift-off and escape.
Cutting down the critical danger stage.
Oh, exactly.
We'll only be using an inflammable fuel during the short periods of takeoff and landing on new Earth.
The photon drive will take over the star journey into deep space.
It's a great improvement over the old ion drive.
- [Jonah.]
I knew that! - Old? We just started to experiment with that.
[Crow.]
Eww.
I hate to let my ignorance show in front of such great minds - [all.]
Too late.
- what exactly is a photon? Well, it's a particle of light.
Photon propulsion is nothing more nor less than a beam of light.
Just a beam of light? Well, a stream of photons shooting at 186,000 miles per second from the starship engine, driving it through space on the action-reaction principle.
- And it works? - Indeed, it does work.
- Willard, perhaps you should - Sorry, Gadra.
I have no time to conduct a guided tour.
- [Jonah.]
And I don't validate parking.
- [alarm ringing.]
- What's that? - [Crow.]
The jerk alarm.
Breakthrough! Mutants are somewhere in the cave! Gadra, on your way to your post, take the girl to the council chamber! [Jonah.]
Their civil defense system is a pie pan, a paper cup and two bike reflectors? [Crow.]
All right, places, people! There's a reviewer from the Times in the audience tonight! Showtime! [Tom.]
No guys, you go, I'll just sit here and take care of the check! [Jonah.]
Once again, hard-working Americans losing their jobs to cheap android labor.
[Crow.]
The first day of school is always so confusing.
Nobody knows where their classes are, where their locker is.
Did your mom pack your Hazmat suit? Over there in the council chambers! You'll be safe there.
[Tom.]
So their futuristic underground base has a back alley? [Jonah.]
Uh, in case there are any birds in here.
I'm not actually Tippi Hedren, so please don't attack me.
But I'm flattered.
[Tom.]
Wooden crates stuffed with straw of the future! [Crow.]
Hobo bedding of the future! [Jonah.]
The insides of scarecrows of the future! [Tom.]
Practical dynamite storage of the future.
[Crow.]
Dirty crates filled with excelsior, a straw-like packing material of the future! [Jonah.]
Boxes and boxes of unsold copies of Jerry Maguire also of the future! [Crow.]
That's a mutant's nest if ever I saw one.
[Tom.]
This used to be my playground [Jonah.]
Having won the stare-down with the crates, Carol moves in to claim her territory.
[Crow.]
That must be the spool for that long spaghetti that guy was working on.
You remember, in that other earlier boring scene? [Tom.]
Wow, amazing effect.
[Jonah.]
Whoever's back there, I think you could outrun him.
[Tom.]
Oh, I hate when I lose something behind the washing machine.
[Crow.]
Tag, you're it! [Jonah.]
One two three four, I declare a thumb war! [Tom.]
Could I have this dance For the rest of your life? [Tom.]
Step two, three, four, cringe two, three, four, help two, three, four! [Jonah.]
I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.
How embarrassing.
[Crow.]
Alright, fair's fair.
You grab me around the wrist.
[Tom.]
You wouldn't believe what a relief it is to meet someone around here who's not wearing a jumpsuit with a plunging neckline.
Who are you? [Jonah.]
Let's just acknowledge that the filmmakers hired a guy with physical disabilities to represent a mutant.
You can't speak.
[Tom.]
And let's acknowledge that we're acknowledging it.
But you do understand me? [Crow.]
No, don't call us heroes when you see us onstage or partying at an international Discotech.
We're just doing what we do.
And it's such a blessing, when you think about it.
Come, let me help you.
Stand aside! I'll finish him off.
No! [Tom.]
"I found him first, I get to finish him off!" Do as I say.
[Crow.]
Not as I do! You will not kill him.
[Jonah.]
I will kill him! He broke in from outside.
Now, get out of the way! You have no right to kill him! What the devil is going on here? - [Tom.]
Uh, nothing sir! - Steve, I got lost.
I found this man.
- He wants to kill him! - He's from outside! Is that how you treat all strangers? Shoot 'em down? Are we next or we're just plain lucky? Steve, you must try to understand.
We've been fighting for our lives for many long years.
It's none of your affair how we handle things like that.
As of right now, I'm making it my affair! If he is from outside, why not send him back? Why not? I'll be glad to throw him back myself.
He would not live long, Dr.
Von Steiner.
He's not a mutant.
He's not a human being.
He belongs neither to us nor to them.
You mean he's being hunted by everyone? Yes, we've known for some time that a few of them existed in the caves surrounding our colony.
But none of them has ever penetrated before.
[all coughing.]
He must have found some way, triggered the alarm.
Then you can't send him out there.
But he's a deviant.
He's a human being! [Jonah.]
And he sings! He's a triple-threat.
[music playing.]
[Max.]
Boy, these future people sure take traveling 25,000 billion miles seriously.
It's actually kinda harshing everyone's buzz.
You're watching MST3K Moon 13, The Moon.
Do I shoot him or throw him back? No, she's right, Willard.
He is a human being.
We are too, so let us not act like mutants.
[Tom.]
Now put your gun back in your man-girdle like the rest of us.
[Jonah.]
Forget it, I'm outta heeeeere - You'll be safe here now.
- [Jonah.]
Judah Ben-Hur.
We'll have to do something about that injured hand of yours.
[Crow.]
What, and ruin my brand? Woman, you have got to be kidding me! Come.
[Tom.]
Nightingale effect setting in now.
[Jonah.]
Monsanto! Yes, we're still around! Filling your lakes, streams, and bodies with Roundup in unthinkable new ways! [Varno.]
Along with our algae tanks, these hydroponic food and vegetable gardens [Tom.]
Vegetable.
will provide us with some of the oxygen we shall need on the journey.
- And they'll really survive? - Oh, yes.
These are very hardy hybrid strains we've been cultivating.
They'll be tended and perpetuated by the androids.
- Dr.
Varno? - Yes? I must speak with you, sir.
It's urgent.
Yes? - In private.
- [all.]
Oh Really? Larry is ready to test the latest quick growth formula.
All set, Larry? - [Crow.]
Nope! - All right.
Let's see what we have.
Dr.
Varno.
In a minute! Go ahead.
Open the nutrient flow.
[Jonah.]
Nice bonsai Avatar tree, Larry.
The combination of light rays and special nutrient fluids, - produces almost instant growth - [Crow.]
Poink! Instant fruition, but making the formula's a very difficult and time consuming process.
We hope to get enough to grow food on our new Earth [Tom.]
Poink! Until we can raise our first normally produced crop.
[Crow.]
Then we can free up some of this equipment to grow marijuana again.
Boy, those were the days, huh, Larry? [all straining.]
These are hybrid oranges, our vitamin C supply.
- [Jonah.]
Zero emissions.
- Larry, let them have a taste.
[Crow.]
Ow! [Tom.]
Hodor.
Don't be afraid of it, Dr.
Connors.
They're guaranteed non-sour.
Yes, Willard, what do you want? [Jonah.]
Another ride to the mall, I assume? Go ahead, Steve.
I always liked oranges.
[Tom.]
You know me.
Always carrying on about how much I love oranges, and all! You first.
[Crow.]
Should we be concerned that Larry's not eating one of these weird oranges and he's just laughing and pointing at us? [Steiner.]
He's right.
They aren't sour.
[Steve.]
Delicious.
No pits.
[Jonah.]
Oranges! In your future grocer's produce aisle! [harp music playing.]
[Tom.]
Guys, I think that orange Larry gave me had something kind of weird in it, I don't feel so good [Crow.]
Are we looking through Larry's peephole? [Jonah.]
Excuse me, miss, that's not a hot tub.
[Tom.]
I hope in the future all the women are the same height or that screen could be a bit of a problem.
[Crow.]
What did she do to get put in the spa penalty box? [Jonah.]
Well whatever she did, she's going to have a very horizontal tan line.
[Tom.]
It's nice they gave her a runway she can walk up and down on, if need be.
[Crow.]
Oh, she must be getting a back ache from all this nudity.
Just wasn't anybody until Danny came along.
So I've decided to take him.
[Tom.]
Weird confessional.
You're not giving yourself much time.
- Oh, I haven't got it.
- [Crow.]
It's jazz, baby! Danny's a wonderful fellow, but don't you think you're rushing things a little? Well, maybe you ought to do a little rushing yourself.
Oh? With Steve, I mean.
You do want him, don't you? - [Jonah.]
Bechdel test score: zero.
- Yes.
Yes, I do.
Well, there are still plenty of unattached females in the colony.
[Tom.]
You are so tense - When the right time comes along - Get back in there.
Well, don't be.
The way a girl goes about catching a man here is to be faster than he is.
And we've got some real athletes.
- [Crow.]
Mmmm - [Jonah.]
Get down.
We've all been told not to waste time.
We've got to be ready for a minor population explosion as soon as we get to the new Earth.
Boy, I kind of look forward to that, don't you? [Tom.]
Perpetually breeding, like a termite queen [woman.]
Attention.
- Dr.
Von Steiner, Dr.
Connors - [Tom.]
Come on! This is a rare opportunity.
[Crow.]
Aw, scene changed.
exhaustive study of the problem.
The starship has been constructed to serve an exactly calculated number of humans and androids.
[Tom.]
Uh-huh.
Four additional humans would also mean extra air and nutrient for them for over a generation's time.
- [Crow.]
Right.
- Storage space.
- [Jonah.]
Yup.
- Extra suspended animation enclosures.
- [Tom.]
Sure.
- And additional androids.
[Crow.]
Course.
Willard has pointed out very conclusively that this would mean extensive alterations in the starship's design.
Dr.
Von Steiner, we do not have time for such alterations.
At Willard's request, the council has decided it will be impossible for us to take you with us on the journey.
[Jonah.]
This is what happens when you book through Orbitz.
You're leaving us here? [Crow.]
"Abandoning" is a better word.
Dr.
Varno? [Tom.]
Dr.
Varno's my dad.
Call me Chaz.
It is not our desire.
It is bitter necessity.
There must be a way to lick the problem.
It would mean taking time.
- [Crow.]
Maybe I can wrestle you.
- We'll do anything we can to help.
- You don't understand.
- Damn it! You can't abandon us here! The starship must take off at the specified time.
- There can be no delay.
- Delay? How much could there be? Even a second would be too much! The automatic pilot of the ship has been completely programmed.
A job requiring months.
The calculations are critical.
The ship must be launched at the exact specified time.
[Jonah.]
Or we'll miss our connection through O'Hare.
A delay of even seconds here could result in light years at our destination.
Too much for correction.
That is final.
You are pronouncing our death sentence.
[Tom.]
You dickweed! I don't enjoy doing it.
You resented us from the beginning.
I have, but that is not why I'm doing this.
- I - [Crow.]
Line! We must consider the greater good! - [all.]
The greater good.
- I must do what I think is right! [Tom.]
Like wax my chest! And what about us? Nobody invited you here.
At least give us a chance to try and find a solution.
It is impossible! Until you've tried and failed, nothing is impossible! [Crow.]
The more you know A lot of others like you busily explaining why things can't be done, have been interrupted by people doing them.
- [Willard.]
Rot! - [Jonah.]
Language! Or is it just you who shies away from a challenge? I find it quite unnecessary to waste the council's time with argumentative platitudes.
We've taken a vote! The matter is closed.
- Just like that? - [Crow.]
What about the hanging chads? You seem to enjoy throwing people to those mutants.
[Tom.]
They're called "X-Men", thank you.
You have just said you consider nothing impossible.
Then why don't you reconstruct your time warp portal and go back where you came from? [Jonah.]
Huh.
You know, I've been so distracted by the androids, and the new civilization, and the oranges, and the makeout lounge.
I didn't even think of that.
I want you to know the vote was not unanimous.
Dr.
Varno and I - Thank you, Gadra.
- [Tom.]
But we're through.
Same goes for you, Varno.
It would be an idle gesture to say that I regret it.
- [Crow.]
But I don't.
- I understand.
Stay here in the council chamber and decide what you will do.
Let me know and we'll give you every possible help we can.
And after you leave, Varno, how much time will we still have left? [Jonah.]
That wasn't a rhetorical question.
Hello, Dr.
Varno? Where are you going? Dr.
Varno? He said he'll get back to us.
We're pretty close.
[Crow.]
Ladies and Gentlemen, the Bland-tastic Four.
[Tom.]
So, Panera? - [Jonah.]
What do we do, Scoob? - Looks like we've had it, huh, Doc? - No, Danny.
- [Tom.]
Down boy! We'll not give up.
We're not beaten until we do.
All right.
Now, let's look at the choices we have, Doc.
We can make the caves as impregnable as possible against the mutants.
[Jonah.]
Is he drunk? Well, the odds would be overwhelming against us.
Even if we could, what kind of a future would we have? I reject it.
There's no other place in our solar system we could go even if we had the means! [Tom.]
Not since Danny tanked our credit.
There is no other place we could live.
One choice left then, and only one.
[Jonah.]
My mom's boyfriend's place.
We build a portal or die.
[Crow.]
I choose die.
[Tom.]
Time for the Portal-making montage! [all.]
Time to make a portal! Gonna make the portal! [Crow.]
Only one way To go back in time! [all.]
Time to make a portal! Gonna make the portal! [Jonah.]
Don't forget the Weird androids helping out Future girl! Doctor Varno, too! [all.]
Gonna make a portal! Gonna make a portal! Gonna make a portal! For you! Steve is almost ready.
We'll be finished too.
We've programmed the board with every detail we've remembered.
Circuits, settings.
It's just got to be close.
[Crow exclaims.]
[Jonah.]
So yeah, running a Linux box is complicated, but I like not being subject to Microshaft or Crapple.
Gonna overclock the CPU later, you want in, maybe? - Danny? - [Tom.]
Yesss? Take me back with you.
[Crow.]
How would I explain you to my wife? Oh, Reena, I can't do that.
- You belong out there and I belong - [Crow.]
In the shed.
Don't you like me? Of course I like you.
You're a beautiful girl.
[Jonah.]
It's called "hittin' it and quittin' it," girl! Oh, that.
Beauty's only skin deep.
Well, it's deep enough, isn't it? What do you want, a lovely liver? [laughs.]
Please don't joke.
[Tom.]
My mother died from lovely liver.
Danny, I love you.
[Crow.]
Sure my options are limited between you and Varno's cuddle pile, but still Let me go back with you.
Reena, I can't take you back with me.
[Jonah.]
Well I can, I just don't want to.
You know what I'm going back to if I'm going back at all.
But I don't care.
[Tom.]
I'm totally jaded.
Besides, I'm already engaged.
- You are? - Mmm-hmm.
Big tall girl, about six feet.
But bright! You should see her eyes flash.
And ask her any question, gives you the answer.
[Crow.]
And she's a millionaire.
And she lives in Canada, a model.
Why didn't you tell me? Most beautiful electronic computer in the good old USA.
Oh, Danny.
[Jonah.]
Owwww! [Tom.]
Ka-pow! Your Danny can joke at a time like this? Can you think of a better time? Oh, Doctor, thanks for letting Reena and Gadra help us out.
It was their own request.
[Crow.]
Let's turn around! For the camera! From what I can see from these plans, there may be a connection.
Certainly worth a try.
Let me show you how this works.
It's really perfectly safe.
We'll need a guinea pig.
[Tom.]
Would an idiot do? Danny? [Jonah.]
What if I were to tell you, I'm sending you on a super-secret pizza party mission? Would you be good enough to help us out for a few moments? Sure, Doc.
Come.
Reena.
[Crow.]
If they're leaving, we're out of here.
We were just hailed by a passing craft! Cambot, give me Rocket number nine! Greetings, I am Dr.
Varno, and this is my "associate" Larry.
We have an important question.
Do you cats like to party? Wait, what? You know, get crazy.
Because we do.
And you're not cops, right? Legally, you have to tell us if you are.
Wait, what's your guys' deal? You might say we're trying our best to stay out of trouble.
[laughing.]
And failing! Right, Larry? I thought you were like the leader of a bunch of super-serious scientists.
Whoa, a talking gumball machine? Thank you.
I think those pills are kicking in, Larry! No, those other scientists were buzzkills.
We decided to let them hibernate while we pump up the jams! Larry and I have been kicked out of half the discotheques, biker bars, and Denny's in the galaxy! [laughing.]
So you're not scientists anymore.
No, we are! We're scientifically testing the limits of physical pleasure.
Turns out there aren't any.
And we still grow oranges! Our lifestyle demands a ready source of Vitamin C.
Plus, orange is the grooviest color.
Larry? Beautiful.
We grow them with the vodka already inside.
You guys are certainly, uh, living it up.
Right on.
So, care to join us? Yeah! Let's go on adventures like that! No, I don't think that's a good idea.
I don't think we should.
[alarm sounding.]
Wulp! Receiving a distress call from Betelgeuse.
Seems an underground flash-rave needs two cool dudes to kick things up a notch! - No! Take us with you! - We wanna dance with somebody.
We hate it here.
Sorry, mis amigos.
You "snossed" and you lost.
Catch you on the flip.
Jonah, we should go with them.
Maybe they can take us back to Earth? Crow, let's wait for the next ride.
- [alarm sounding.]
- Here we go! Movie sign.
[Crow.]
If you're serious about becoming runway models, you'll need to practice your walk every day.
Dr.
Varno.
Activate the vibra-transporter, please.
Yes, sir.
[Jonah.]
I guess what I'm doing doesn't matter.
The vibra-transporter is a matter transmitter.
It breaks down solid matter into its component vibrations and sends them out like waves to be received and re-solidified elsewhere.
[Tom.]
It's like a "people TV".
That sounds stupid.
I'm just trying to dumb it down for you, Danny.
Uh, much as an ordinary radio does with sound waves.
Oh, well, I understand that.
[chuckles.]
I wish I did.
- Would you like to take a little trip? - [Jonah.]
I'll get Larry.
- Well, it's okay with me.
- Come.
[Crow.]
Now, it's vitally important for everyone's safety that you don't think of snakes while you're in the machine.
Not even the word "snakes.
" Uh, me up there? It may be a little uncomfortable, but it won't take long.
Well, thanks a bunch.
Uh, be well, gang.
[Crow.]
Be medium-well, Danny.
Fire it up.
Hey, Doc? What's with the Section 8 treatment? [Jonah.]
It's more of a VO5 hot oil treatment.
Have a nice trip.
[Tom.]
Okay, so that's one down, two more to go and then I can get on the ship.
Right, Varno? Deal's a deal? [chuckles.]
Hey, Doc.
If this thing's so safe, why all the safety belts? [Crow.]
Comment away, Danny.
You'll need your good humor to get through this! Hey! Whoa! [Jonah.]
That's all right, just free associate.
Whatever comes to mind.
Hang loose, go with it, and have fun! He's not gonna make it.
Now, I know how a roasting chicken feels.
[Tom.]
Good, keep the patter coming! Whoo, just like a fun house.
[Crow.]
Sure, Danny! Whatever does it for you! He's losing his mind.
Hey ! [Tom.]
Hmm, that usually ends in an explosion of blood.
I'll have to check that.
[Jonah.]
And scene! Nailed it.
[Crow.]
Now we have to watch them do all the clean-up.
This is before they invented editing.
Dr.
Varno, he's all right, isn't he? Yes, of course he is.
[Tom.]
Aside from being dead.
Watch.
[Jonah.]
Ugh, a vertical video.
Boo! [Tom.]
I forgot to mention I'm rich.
[Crow.]
He's more Polaroid than man, now.
Twisted and Danny.
[Jonah.]
Guess what, there was a fly in the chamber, too! - How do you feel? - Never better.
There are no ill effects.
- Thank you, Danny.
- Oh, anytime, Doc.
- Thanks for the trip.
I'll recommend it.
- [Tom.]
Exit, stage left! It's fabulous, but why can't you use it? The transmitter needs a receiver.
In effect, in order to go someplace, we'd have to be there in order to get there.
- Oh, of course.
- [Jonah.]
Silly me.
The important thing is that certain principles of the transporter can be modified for use in perfecting your time warp portal.
Come.
[Crow.]
Let's try the Time Warp again.
[Jonah.]
Harsh motivational poster, but it's effective.
[Tom.]
Ah, they decided to stay back and start a new AT&T.
[Jonah.]
Work hard and I'll make sure you all get hair.
[Crow.]
Do they forge and bolt a new sign on the wall every hour? [Tom.]
The recording of Fleetwood Mac's Rumors was rife with technical problems.
But they knew that rock history had to be made.
[Jonah.]
Just because we leave Earth in 19 days doesn't mean we can't showcase our Pinewood Derby cars on the mezzanine.
[Tom.]
This is basically one of those high-end mall stores where everything's just part of the environment and all they really sell is snacks and keychains.
[Crow.]
Yeah, they'd call it, like, Future Crunch or something.
[Jonah.]
You know, that exists already.
It's at the Mall of America and it's really popular.
It's called Crunch Future, but you were close.
[Crow.]
The underground survivor base has a surprisingly vital college radio station.
[Jonah.]
Oh, in the future, clown noses have domes over them.
[Tom.]
Textbook filmmaking.
Cut on screwdriver to other screwdriver.
[Jonah.]
Larry's got the androids keistering his "special oranges" out of the greenhouse, I see.
[Crow.]
Poor guy, fired before the shuttle lunch.
He'd be frowning if he had a mouth.
[Jonah.]
Perfect, they broke it again! Time traveling back to the past should be easy now.
[Tom.]
Say, nice caboose - Try it now.
- [Crow.]
I dare you.
[Jonah.]
Click! Ugh, the college radio station's terrible since we let the people from the past take over.
[Crow.]
I'm having trouble understanding their motivation for pushing themselves so hard.
[Crow.]
Oh right, Work, work.
Right, that's it.
[Tom.]
Beep, beep, beep! I'm a rocket truck! Beep, beep, beep! [Jonah.]
Now I'm a little kitty cat toy moving real slow.
[Crow.]
You just know Varno's older brother's going to come along and stomp on this model.
[Tom.]
Nice diorama.
Now where's the real rocket? We'll start loading operations as soon as the ship is secure.
[Willard.]
Everything is ready.
[Jonah.]
Just gotta make a playlist for the trip.
You into Phish? [Tom strains.]
[Jonah.]
You can do it, Tom! [Tom.]
Hoverskirt at full blast! No, losing power! [Jonah.]
Tom, use your thrusters! [Tom.]
I can't do it! [Crow.]
Tom, I've never believed you could do anything in your life! [Tom.]
I know! I know you always doubted me! [Crow.]
So prove me wrong! [Tom strains.]
I'm doing it! I'm doing it! Mommy, Mommy, Mommy! [Jonah.]
You did it, Tom! Just a little more! [Tom.]
My arms weak, like springs! - [Crow.]
They are springs! - [Tom.]
Oh, that's okay, then! [Tom strains.]
I did it! I did it! I've never felt more pride! I'm a two-foot-tall robot pantomiming against an old movie, and I got you to buy it! Yeah! [Crow.]
Going to deep space, gotta bring my keg of Stella.
[Jonah.]
Man, that lady's got a huge entourage.
- [Crow.]
An "automaton"-tourage.
- [all.]
"Good game " [Jonah.]
Up yours.
[Crow.]
Why didn't we get rid of this body yesterday? [Jonah.]
Oh, the people on the right are just going down the hall and circling back so it looks like there's more of 'em! [Crow.]
We can't read, the sign doesn't bother us.
How long? [Crow.]
I beg your pardon! How near ready is the portal? I don't know.
My friend, this is the crucial moment.
Our force field power plant has been transferred to the ship.
Our defenses are at their weakest.
Almost fully automatic.
The likelihood of a successful mutant attack is at its strongest.
It's a bad combination.
But they may be unaware.
No.
We've tried to keep them away, but we know they've been watching us from the crater rim.
They're aware that most of our stores have gone into the ship.
- [Jonah.]
Even the Cinnabun.
- This is their last chance to get them.
If they realize how close we are to lift off You know, when a rocket goes up? What will happen after the starship is gone? [Tom.]
Oh, well say, isn't it March Madness? Let's turn on the game! [man.]
Group number 22, ready your androids.
Stand by to board.
Group number 22, standby.
[alarm sounding.]
[Jonah.]
The paper plate alarm! - Carol, where is Carol? - I don't know, Steve.
Wait a minute! She's with Reena resting! - [Crow.]
Without clothes! - They've breached control.
Danny, come on! No, you stay here.
Help Von Steiner get that portal to work.
- Have you seen Reena and Carol? - She's in the rain bath.
Wait a minute! You can't go out there! The mutants are everywhere! - They're fighting all over! - [Jonah.]
Mass hysteria! Cats and dogs living together! [man.]
Dr.
Varno! Starship pilot request instructions! Urgent! [Crow.]
I'm just gonna let this build and see how this all plays out.
Yeah.
[Max.]
You're watching Time Travelers on MST3K.
It's moon o'clock.
Parents, do you know where your children are? - [man laughing.]
- [music playing.]
Varno here.
Varno to Comm-center! Come in! Come in! Come in! [Tom.]
Caller, you're on the air.
Caller? [Crow.]
May God have mercy on my tawny chest.
[Jonah.]
The school board meeting is not going well.
[Tom.]
Down with Common Core! [Crow.]
It's like Woodstock '99 all over again! [Gypsy.]
Aah, right in the ketchup packet! [Crow.]
Jonah, what are they doing to that android? [Jonah.]
Oh, they're just playing with him.
[Tom.]
Do they think he's full of candy? [Jonah.]
Yes, they do.
- [Tom.]
Karate chop! Justice! - Steve! Over there! [Crow.]
Who are we meant to be rooting for? The future humans who refuse to share their food with the mutants, and are fine with leaving our heroes behind to die? [Jonah.]
Or our heroes who defied the laws of time and space so Danny could get with a lady? [Tom.]
And then there's the mutants.
The poor, starving mutants who tear apart innocent androids, who didn't even want to fight them, but were programmed to! - [Tom and Crow crying.]
- [Jonah.]
It's alright, guys.
- Who wants some ice cream? - [Tom.]
You monster! You can't fix everything with ice cream! But I would like some ice cream.
Willard! We've got to keep them outside while the portal is going.
Have you got anything bigger than these peashooters? No, they couldn't be used in the caves.
- All right.
Give the androids guns.
- It's no use! - What? - They're only programmed for defense! This is too much of an offensive weapon! They won't use it! - [Crow.]
Why are we aiming at each other? - We're ready for a try.
[explosion sound.]
[Jonah.]
A new threat enters: asbestos! [Crow.]
That fire's probably just gonna warm up the rocket.
Make it nice and cozy.
Don't worry everybody, everything's just fine! [Tom.]
It's literally "Must See TV".
[Jonah.]
Okay! The rocket's just going down for a little cat nap.
It should be ready to go any moment! Don't you guys worry! - Oh God! Am I still on? - [Tom.]
"Garsh!" [Crow.]
What, are they gonna shoot the fire out? [Jonah.]
I think it's safe to say their flight's delayed.
[Crow.]
Don't just do something, stand there! Everybody, over here.
Let them work in the portal.
Now, get your weapons out and form a line.
[Tom.]
And like a true hero, Steve gingerly makes his way to the back.
[Steiner.]
Stage one.
Now, Reena! [Jonah.]
Santa Barbara Community College? [Crow.]
Don't worry, Reena, it's got a good transfer rate! You'll finish your degree somewhere else! The campus! But it looks so strange.
- So dead.
- [Jonah.]
Like BYU? [Tom.]
Remember, everyone! Your mission is to protect me, Steve, at all costs! [Tom.]
Start protecting me! Go, go! [Jonah.]
Team Telly Savalas takes the initiative over Team Yul Brynner! [Steiner.]
Stage two Now, Reena! [Tom.]
Take out the cartridge and blow in it.
- [static noises.]
- [boing noises.]
[Crow.]
No! That poor android! [Jonah.]
He turned into a bong, man.
[Tom.]
That's the end of the Burning Android Festival.
So many great bands, the food, the costumes [Crow.]
Their make-up artist was limited to only using lunchmeat.
[Jonah.]
Luckily that tunic has maxed out on stains.
It won't leave a mark! [Tom.]
This burning effigy has a real Ghost Rider vibe to it.
I like that.
[Steiner.]
Stage three.
[Crow.]
Looks like the National Guard cleared out those hippies.
[Tom.]
Thank God.
[Crow.]
You know, Jonah? I'm just going to say it.
These movies make me think that the future's gonna suck.
[Jonah.]
I hear you, man.
They need to make a movie where the future's like now except people don't need glasses.
[Crow.]
And humanity's been enslaved by robots.
- [Jonah.]
Thanks a lot, Crow.
- [Tom.]
Gross.
Steve! Danny! [Crow.]
Quit playing grab-ass with the mutants and let's go! Everybody, through the screen! Danny, help the girls! Go! Go! [Jonah.]
Everyone who isn't a droid or a mutant, through the screen! Droids and mutants, smell you later! [Tom.]
Yeah, I'll just get a few more kills in before I leave! - Aim at the panels! - [Jonah.]
Now Danny is in charge? [Crow.]
It didn't make sense, but it worked! [Tom.]
And just in time for the Delta Phi kegger.
Come on, Steve.
We better get back to the lab right away.
The original portal may still be open.
[Jonah.]
Did it always smell like cat food in here? I guess when you're around it all day you don't notice [Crow.]
Wait, did the movie just lap itself? [Tom.]
Police are reporting four more victims of serial killer slash wax sculptor Madame Tussauds.
She is considered armed and dangerous.
- Doc.
- [Jonah.]
Doc, Goose! What's happening? Our calculations were not exact enough.
We've returned too far back in time.
[Crow.]
We've got to kill our loopers! Well, why aren't we [Jonah gulping.]
Aren't they moving? Somehow we've disrupted the time flow.
[Tom.]
And the "get fresh" flow.
It's as if we were existing outside of time in limbo.
[Jonah.]
As if the film needed padding to reach feature length.
What'll we do? [Crow.]
Start a new life as traveling puppeteers! - What we came here for.
- [Tom.]
What did you come here for? Shut the machines down.
[Jonah.]
I thought they came here because the future was a total disaster and nobody wanted them there.
[Crow.]
And Danny wasn't ready for a real, committed adult relationship.
They're frozen, I can't move them.
Steve, look, nothing can be moved.
[Tom.]
Just have Danny chuck some rocks at it.
I hate to admit it, but it's been a pretty effective technique up 'til now.
[Jonah straining.]
C'mon can't look weak in front of a lady! [Crow.]
Hmm I was so naive then.
With my stupid blue jumpsuit and my idiotic slouching.
What a douche.
Hey, Doc.
- [all.]
Not now, Danny! - They are moving! Only so slow, you can't see them like the hands on a watch.
I'm in a different position now.
I really am.
[Jonah.]
Sorry I had to bring my little brother along.
He's right, Erik! He's right! We're right here with them.
But we're living our lives at such an accelerated time rate, - such fantastic speed - [Tom.]
Lasah speed.
that we'd only be fleeting shadows to them if they see us at all.
[Crow.]
Well, back to my knobs.
You're right, Steve.
We're all existing in a different time rate.
Perhaps a million times faster than normal.
It seems we are aging more than a year for every minute that goes by.
[Jonah.]
Take a look around, brother.
In a few moments we shall cease to exist.
[Tom.]
Dust in the wind, man.
There's got to be a way out of this.
- It's a time trap.
- [Crow.]
Okay, that was cool.
- Time itself is an anachronism.
- [Tom.]
Wait, what? We're compounding it by appearing here.
[Jonah.]
Sweet vocal fry.
Steve, I remember what happened.
- In a few seconds the portal will - Wait! [Crow.]
Shut up! I just had your idea! - There is a chance.
- [Steiner.]
What? - The screen.
- But it's nothing.
How do we know that? The image pulsation may be frozen in time like everything else.
It's possible.
The laser beam cycling had already been accelerated.
The portal may still be open! [Tom.]
I didn't understand a word of what I just said! To what? - When? - [Jonah.]
Where? Why? And how? [Crow.]
Good lord, am I really that much a fatty? Seriously? The time selector is at the extreme future! Past the 100,000-year mark! [Tom.]
Think about how much our baseball cards will be worth by then! [Crow.]
Hehe.
The perfect crime.
I I can't change it! Let's find out if this thing is open.
[Jonah.]
For breakfast.
[Tom.]
Ha! Not so smug and future-y now, are ya? [Jonah.]
Time to embrace my inner Danny.
[Crow.]
Does this bug you, universe? I'm not touching you.
[Tom.]
Hey Steve, I get the feeling you're a- "void" -ing me.
Ha! It's situations like this where you really can't afford to lose your sense of [Jonah.]
Just zip it.
[Crow.]
Now I got the girl and he's jumping into screens.
[Tom.]
Am I looking in the right direction? [Jonah.]
This time they're putting in a little more thought before chasing him.
Come on, you've got to get going.
I don't know what's out there, it's very dark.
Steve, what will it be like after all these centuries? Are you sure? I'm sure of one thing.
[Crow.]
Bitcoin.
We stay here we die.
[Tom.]
You're going to die eventually no matter where you are.
Stop scaring them by saying they're going to die.
[Jonah.]
This way! This way to life, everybody! [Tom.]
And so, with Sauron defeated, the Elves sailed for Valinor Everybody, stay together.
[Crow.]
Does everyone have a future buddy? Grab each other's hand.
It's very dark out there.
Be careful.
All right.
Danny, get Reena.
- [Jonah.]
Goodbye, us! - Carol.
[Tom.]
I think you're gonna dig what's in there.
I didn't want to tell the others, you know how I love surprises, but it's pretty awesome.
[Crow.]
Darkness here, wishing you and yours a safe and happy holiday weekend.
[Jonah.]
Oh, the future is a nudist colony in Clearwater, Florida.
[Tom.]
Uh security, we appear to have some trespassers on the sixteenth hole.
[Crow.]
The lesson here: always walk into a pitch black time machine, because ponies! [Tom.]
All you have to bring, Is your love of everything Beautiful Time Travelers Lodge [Crow.]
Oh no, the universe lost reception! [Jonah.]
The producer wishes to acknowledge that this movie was not all that good.
[Tom.]
I doubt those businesses want to be associated with this movie at all.
[all.]
Or is it? What the hey ? I guess during the movie we started traveling at a different rate of time.
Where's your doppelganger, Jonah? If I know me, probably in the bathroom.
Don't question it, just enjoy the moment! It's neat.
Say I like what I see.
Why didn't you guys tell me I look this good? I'm digging me! Big time! Hey, check this out! I can hit me all I want, and there's nothing me can do about it! Crow, stop that! Why'm I hitting myself? Why'm I hitting myself, huh? You're gonna dent your stuff.
I'll regret not getting a taste of this Well, Max, that was the 200th episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000.
What an achievement.
If you count the old series, which we had nothing to do with.
Technically, this was our third episode.
Come on, Disney celebrates fake anniversaries all the time! Donald Duck turns 90! Mickey and Minnie's 25th anniversary! The 40th anniversary of pulling Song of the South off the shelves! I don't know! We've got to grab some of these celebration legacy dollars! Bring in the cake! No, no, no.
Hey! We are not lighting the candles! This is a nitrogen-rich atmosphere! Happy 200th, Max! Yeah, okay.
Push the 200th button, Max! [music playing.]
[music playing.]
[roaring.]