Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Return (2017) s01e04 Episode Script

1 Oh, hey.
Jonah Heston here.
Tom and Crow are workshopping their drama, Mad Bots.
It's about robot ad execs in the 1960s.
How can we juggle our failed marriages and sell a nation in upheaval on the merits of Quisp cereal? Frankly, this situation is quazy.
Ohh, hold on.
"Quisp is Quazy.
" It's perfect.
You've done it again, Bot Draper.
Wow.
Aah! Whoa! [screaming.]
Servo, Servo, Servo [upbeat music.]
- [man.]
In the not-too-distant future - [man.]
Mayday, mayday, mayday.
- We need your help.
- Somebody needs my help.
- [man.]
Next Sunday A.
D.
- [man.]
Mayday.
Mayday.
[man.]
There was a guy named Jonah Not too different from you or me He worked at Gizmonic Institute Just another mug in a yellow jumpsuit Hello! Hello! What the heck? [man.]
A distress call came in for him at half past noon That's when an evil woman trapped him On the dark side of the moon [Kinga.]
I'll send him cheesy movies - The worst I can find - [singers.]
La-la-la He'll have to sit and watch them all - And we'll monitor his mind - [singers.]
La-la-la [man.]
Now, keep in mind that Jonah can't control - When the movies begin or end - [singers.]
La-la-la [man.]
So he'll have to keep his sanity With the help of his robot friends [man.]
Robot roll call [together.]
Cambot Gypsy Tom Servo Crow [man.]
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes - And other science facts - [singers.]
La-la-la [man.]
Just repeat to yourself, "It's just a show " I should really just relax" For Mystery Science Theater 3000 Okay, just because I missed most of Mad Bots doesn't mean I don't have some notes.
First off, I think you need to Oh, great, Sterling and Cooper are calling.
Oh, please, let me interrupt your artsy-fartsy nonsense.
No, but do they land the Quisp account? Bot Draper needs this.
Don't encourage them.
Ugh, hold on.
We're getting a call from Moon 14.
Ugh.
Uh, this is RD, your maintenance man.
We've been observing some weird stuff down here in the video fluid.
Video fluid? Moon 14? Wh Ugh, Nosy Nelly, Moon 14 is the level below us, where we produce Kingachrome, our liquid video technology.
It's vastly superior to every other form of media.
Aside from the fact that it's pretty low-fi.
Worse than SD, even.
And it spills a lot.
[RD.]
Constantly.
The Skeleton Crew are always slipping in it, spraying it in each other's faces.
We're a hale and hearty bunch down here.
Anyway, we've been dealing with some borderline supernatural manifestations.
Blah, blah, blah.
Okay, just deal with it.
It's invention exchange time.
What you got, Heston? Until now, it was impossible to clean our homes without dirtying the environment.
But now, with the Mouth Vacuum, we've harnessed a clean source of energy: sucking! No electricity needed, unless your mouth runs on electricity, which mine does.
[chuckles.]
Now, we have had some trouble with the filter.
[gags.]
Now he's really got the dry heaves.
My goodness.
Every color of wrong coming straight out of you.
That's impressive.
[gags.]
Oh-ho! [coughing.]
What do you think, sirs? Pitiful.
Now, how are movies born? Oh, when a team of skilled, hardworking technical professionals really love each other Nope.
It starts with a cool font you can design a poster around.
That's why we've developed the Don La Font-aine 3000, a computer that takes any phrase and instantly translates it into a movie font.
Any phrase? Any phrase.
[digital voice.]
Any Phrase.
Looks like Any Phrase is a slasher movie because any phrase can be a killer.
Ooh, ooh, I wanna do one.
[digital voice.]
I Wanna Do One.
Oh! Ladies weepie.
You know, unfulfilled dreams, repressed desires, you know, that sort of thing.
[laughing.]
Nice.
Kind of a lighthearted Neil Simon project.
[digital voice.]
A Lighthearted Neil Simon Project.
So A Lighthearted Neil Simon Project is a balls-to-the-walls action flick? [in a deep voice.]
"They thought they could kidnap Neil Simon's" less well-known but still accomplished brother Danny Simon and get away with it.
"They were wrong.
" Okay, we get it.
[digital voice.]
Okay, We Get It.
Turn it off! Your experiment today is Avalanche, a disaster film in a very literal sense.
Prepare to be buried beneath a mountain of bad acting and failed romantic chemistry.
Enter the nightmare-fueled world that is Avalanche! Hey! No.
I say that.
I thought we were taking turns on it.
Never.
Send them the movie.
Movie in the hole! [fluid gurgles.]
- [buzzer blaring.]
- [coughing.]
Oh, we got movie sign! Movie sign! Aah! Movie sign! Aah! [doors clanking and whirring.]
[Jonah.]
The Illuminati made a movie? Huh.
[Tom.]
Yeah, and they're so open about it.
- [Jonah.]
La-la-la-la-la-la - [Tom.]
Rock Hudson down! Down! [Crow.]
Are they calling that rock "Hudson," or am I misunderstanding this movie and the way words work? [Tom.]
Mia Farrow.
Jeez, I hope old Blue Eyes doesn't catch her together with Rock Hudson, or it's lights out for these two ring-a-ding-dings.
[Jonah.]
Suddenly I'm craving a York Peppermint Patty.
[Crow.]
Somewhere in these mountains, Roman Polanski is hiding from extradition.
[Tom.]
Spoiler.
Jeez.
[Jonah.]
"Avalanche is sponsored by Avalanche brand dandruff shampoo and laxative.
Is it a shampoo, or is it a laxative? "Surprise! It's Avalanche.
" [Crow.]
I think I just spotted a half-buried Imperial Walker down there.
[Jonah.]
Nice.
Pepto Bismol does deliveries now.
[eerie music.]
[Jonah.]
"Our story takes place at a ski resort/prison.
" [Tom.]
This is like if The Shining was booked on Priceline.
[Gypsy.]
Oh, by the sound of this music, the check-in process is gonna be brutal.
[Jonah.]
Welcome to the '70s, Ms.
Farrow.
[Crow.]
Mia Farrow is Mike Nesmith.
[Jonah.]
"Make sure I don't get this caught in the revolving door again.
" [indistinct chatter.]
[Crow.]
Everyone here looks so flammable.
[Jonah.]
She packs light.
Just a basket of kittens.
[Tom.]
I never realized the '70s were so crowded.
Oh, I have a reservation.
[together.]
So do we.
I don't see it here.
[Jonah.]
That was awfully fast.
Um, would you try Shelby, please? Oh, right.
So who are you, Shelby or Brace? - [Crow.]
Yeah! - Brace until I married Shelby, and then Shelby again Brace again after the divorce.
- [Crow.]
Mm-hmm.
- I don't feel like Shelby anymore.
- [Crow.]
Mm! - Okay, I'll change the reservation - to Brace.
- Thank you.
That's all right.
I'll take care of that for you.
- Thank you.
- Please show Miss Brace to floor four.
[Crow.]
And remember, divorce is a sin! [woman.]
Caroline! Caroline! [Caroline.]
Florence! Oh, Florence! - Meet us over there.
- Okay.
[Jonah.]
"Oh, great, my annoying first grade teacher's here.
" - Oh! - Caroline! [Tom.]
When Barbara Bushes Attack.
- Oh! [laughing.]
- Did David ask you here? Yes.
He didn't tell you? Oh, no.
That boy never tells his mother anything except "good night.
" Are you going to get back together? Oh, you had to ask.
Let me see.
I have to think about that one.
Don't think.
What is this, some obscene proposal? - [Jonah.]
Could be! - There's a lot of ground to cover.
It's all we have - This person is called McDade.
- Hello.
- It's nice to meet you.
- He works here.
I always forget what your job is.
Bookkeeper.
Excuse me.
We really should He's a bookkeeper.
Hardly a VIP escorting the great man's mother around.
No offense, McDade.
I like you.
Oh, darling.
There's a lot of ground we have to cover.
Let the heart guide the head, McDade.
[Crow.]
Spunky! I hope I get buried next to her if there's an avalanche.
- And have you got a fella? - Two or three.
Holy cow.
Are you going to turn into a swinger? [laughs.]
Am I? Let's see.
Could be.
How is the great man? Up to his ass in celebrity.
[Jonah.]
Let's just let that one ride, guys.
[reporter.]
Hey, Gary, what brings you to this opening? You said you were gonna quit competition.
What decided you to turn pro? I just want to be part of this whole fantastic thing going on here.
[reporter.]
We assume that Mr.
Shelby had offered you - something very attractive? - Hey, Gary.
Well, it would certainly help.
Besides, I've never done the gelande before.
[Tom.]
Bell bottoms and loneliness are a dangerous mix.
What about you, Bruce? Are you gonna break that downhill record of yours tomorrow? Wasn't part of the deal, but I'll do my best for you.
[Crow.]
I have a question for you: how do you conduct an interview with a mic that isn't plugged into anything? [woman.]
Have you ever known fear? [Bruce.]
Well, I never thought about it.
I ski like I breathe or talk or make love.
[Crow.]
Unconvincingly? [woman.]
Kind of makes me wonder what you do best.
[Jonah.]
Breathing is where I really excel.
He's established a record in that.
- [cheers and applause.]
- [Tom.]
Look at all the people.
Mack Davis must have just helicoptered in.
- Bruce! - Hey! You look fantastic.
- Oh, thank you.
- Wow.
Cathy, come and get in the picture.
[Crow.]
Um, that's a microphone, not a camera.
- No, you go ahead and take it.
- How you doing? You a little nervous? Wow, I can dig that.
Let me tell you.
That skier's too fast for Tina.
- [Jonah.]
Thanks, Hedda Hopper.
- [Tom.]
"Well, this window works.
" On to the next.
" I just want to do the best I can.
[Crow.]
Thanks, Goop.
[Tom.]
Levi's, mature fit.
[Jonah.]
"Too late.
He saw me already.
" [Crow.]
Wow, I did not know The Price Is Right set was that big inside.
[Jonah panting and barking excitedly.]
[Jonah whimpers curiously.]
[Tom.]
"I brought enough cheekbones for every one of us.
" It's terrific to see you.
[Crow.]
"Even in that color palette.
" - The two of you together.
- [Jonah.]
And I'm not forgetting you, Danny from the last movie.
- Hello, dear.
- How are you, McDade? - Fine, sir.
- Mother, you and McDade have a full schedule; there's an awful lot to see around here.
Can't we sit together awhile and have a drink and talk? I would like to have some time with Caroline.
[Tom.]
"He plays my son, but we're the same age.
" - Come on, McDade.
- [Crow.]
"You loser.
" - Thanks for the tour.
- Oh, yeah.
[elegant piano music playing.]
[Crow.]
How could this scene get any more awkward? Belching? Hi.
You're looking so good.
[Jonah.]
"You got that emaciated look", and you know how opposites attract.
" - Hold the elevator.
- Up! [Jonah.]
The amazing thing: they shot this scene without an actual elevator; it's all acting! You're looking well.
Maybe a little tired.
[Tom.]
"But real brawny.
" [man.]
Excuse me, Mr.
Shelby.
- Yeah? - There any chance of us getting a shot of the Shelby trophy? Sure.
Get all the boys together.
Meet me in my office.
[Crow.]
"Yeah, just follow my gut.
" [Tom.]
"Damn skiers.
Bleh!" Come on.
There's something I want to show you.
[Crow.]
"Wow, you drew this goat from memory?" David, it's just incredible what you've done.
All of it.
Incredible.
- Yeah.
- [Tom.]
"So this is" where the avalanche is gonna go.
" [David chuckles.]
And, you know, through the whole thing, I used to think a lot about - [Crow.]
Avalanches.
- How we used to lie around on Houston Street and talk about [Jonah.]
Pop music.
The quiet elegance of the planet.
You remember? [Crow.]
"Gosh, we were so pretentious.
" Well, I guess you got it.
Oh, hell, Caroline.
[Tom.]
"I've got a window, a chair " [mumbling.]
Stupid brown legs " But all I really want is you" [Jonah.]
"You just ate something with tuna fish in it, didn't you?" - Okay.
- [Crow.]
"It's not you.
" I'm a wood elf.
We don't show affection through kissing.
"We exchange syrup.
" [David.]
You, uh, registered as Brace.
Yes.
It's who I am.
I wanted to change it back to Caroline Shelby.
You can't do that.
[Jonah.]
You can't use a giant rectal thermometer as a wall decoration.
- You could.
- [Jonah.]
"Well, yeah," but it's a whole day at the DMV.
" I-I want to talk.
[stammering.]
I don't even know what I want to talk about.
- I mean, can - [Tom stammering mockingly.]
[Crow.]
Was there a writers' strike in '78? - [David.]
This is the big one.
- [Crow blows raspberry.]
[David.]
Four years ago, I came out here, and I saw that mountain out there, and I knew: I'm climbing it.
[Jonah.]
"But then I blew out my ACL.
" I opened up this magnificent country for myself and for anybody who wants to join me.
[Tom.]
"This is the CBGB's of ski resorts.
" Everybody knows that.
" I fought like a son of a bitch.
I fought the bank.
I fought the government.
I fought even my own corporation.
[Crow.]
"I fought the law, and the law won!" And then the environmentalists.
They say I'm destroying the environment.
[Crow.]
Ugh! Come here.
Come here.
Let me show you something.
[Tom.]
"See, there's a whole bunch of environment right here!" I haven't destroyed any of it.
Come on! "Let's hock a loogie on it.
" Does this look like I'm destroying? I'm creating a beautiful life here.
It's a good thing that's happening.
- [Crow snarls.]
- What's wrong, then? [Crow.]
"I'm getting clobbered in my Fantasy Football league!" Aah!" One of the planning commissioners that I have to deal with is under investigation.
What? About this? Oh, no.
For some other corporate connections.
- Yeah? And? - [Crow.]
"The connections are me," and I'm also the judge.
It's just weird.
" Well, I-I bought some of this land from one of those corporations.
- Isn't that a matter of public record? - [phone ringing.]
Yes.
And so is the sizable contribution I made toward his senatorial campaign.
Hello.
Well, keep trying! - Damn it! - [Tom.]
"Even my phone hates me.
" [David sighs.]
So what are you gonna do? I'm gonna take you to lunch.
I don't want to talk about this mess.
You're here.
I [Crow.]
Line, please, for the great Rock Hudson.
[David.]
I love that you're here.
I love you.
[Tom.]
In high school, he was voted most likely to have sudden mood swings.
- Lunch, huh? - Right.
And how is your life? - Are you still working for Harper's Bazaar? - Vogue.
- Oh, yes.
I mean Vogue.
- [phone rings.]
[Jonah.]
The date's going great, Rock.
- Hello.
- [Crow.]
"This is the avalanche.
" - "Ready for me?" - Right.
Send them in.
Heh! Press.
[Tom.]
"But you still matter.
Bye.
" [lively music.]
[Max.]
A ruthless land developer is visited by his ex-wife/magazine reporter, and there's no explanation why other than an avalanche is coming.
You're watching MST3K: Moon 13, The Moon.
[Jonah.]
And now, Classic Arts Showcase is proud to present Tonya Harding in Sophie's Choice on Ice.
[soft classical music.]
[Crow.]
"Yeah, you got it.
Keep skating if you ever want" to see your pants again.
" [Tom.]
The turtleneck bikini never really did catch on, did it? [Crow.]
Oh, no, she's heading straight for the Zamboni! Look out! [Jonah makes whirring sound.]
[Tom.]
Few women can skate to music from a nature documentary.
[Jonah.]
You know, when the camera pulls back, we get an aerial view of what she spelled out: "Welcome, avalanche.
Please happen now.
" [Crow.]
This is dangerous.
If she loses focus, she'll get trapped in the spin and auger right down into the ice.
[Tom.]
I kind of thought she'd turn into Wonder Woman by now.
[Jonah in warbly voice.]
"I am a prisoner of momentum!" [Tom.]
Papa Smurf approves.
[ominous music.]
I don't know.
She's a little off center, you know, like she was in Toronto last week.
[Crow.]
Diarrhea's like a storm raging inside you.
She's getting it together.
That a girl, Cathy! [Jonah.]
"Aah! I meant to do that! It's part of my routine.
" [Tom.]
At least she gets to take the penalty shot.
[Crow.]
"Don't embarrass me in front of all my Facebook followers.
" It doesn't mean anything.
Doesn't mean anything at all.
It's all right.
It's okay.
[Jonah.]
"I lied about this being the Olympics.
" No, Leo, it's not.
I always do that to myself.
When I saw her [fast-paced classical music.]
[Leo.]
Yes, you let it get to you.
[Jonah.]
Wait.
Is this from another movie? [Leo.]
You forgot how beautiful you are.
[Crow.]
Patience, sweet avalanche.
Your time will come.
- Love yourself.
- [Tom.]
Calm down, Justin Bieber.
And when you're doing that That that spin [Jonah.]
"On that what is this? Ice?" - You find your center.
- [Crow.]
Is it nougat? - And you let go.
- [Jonah blows raspberry.]
And don't let anything in the world knock you off your center.
[Tom.]
Be the Weeble.
It's fine to wobble, but don't fall down.
[Jonah.]
This other skater's way better.
I'm glad the movie finally found her.
- [Jonah.]
Holy jebus! - [Tom.]
Oh! [McDade.]
Some miners were digging for silver in the 1880s, and the mountain avalanched, buried everybody.
No one's dared touch it since.
[Jonah.]
"I'm foreshadowing, of course.
" Until David, of course.
David is amazing.
[Tom.]
Amazingly stupid.
How did he ever convince all those bankers? - He didn't.
- He didn't? [McDade.]
Nobody else would follow him up here.
He's all alone this time.
Alone? Yes.
He's risked everything he has All his personal holdings.
[Crow.]
"Which is why he asked me to leave you here for dead" so he can collect the inheritance.
- "You understand.
" - [whistles.]
[Jonah.]
Oh, look.
She summoned a lumberjack.
[Tom.]
Timber land boots.
A proud sponsor.
[Crow.]
He's got a brother! [Tom.]
They're killing his whole family! [laughs.]
In case you hadn't noticed, not only are we out-of-doors [Crow panting and snorting.]
and knee-deep in snow, but we are also going uphill! [Jonah.]
Oh, cut! Take 15.
Do it again.
- Always uphill - [laughs.]
to get to the top.
- Oh - [Crow.]
"I'm elderly.
" If I had the strength, I would write that down.
[Tom.]
Does this mean they're in love? Well, it is important.
You can see.
[Crow.]
"There's the shovel, and that's where I want you to dig your own grave.
" When Mr.
Shelby's chalet is finished, he'll have an absolutely clear view.
[Jonah.]
He'll finally be able to see how alone he is.
[Florence.]
Well, he's just like his father was.
He has to be king of the mountain.
[Tom.]
"Just put that anywhere.
" - Hey, Mr.
Thorne! - How you doing, Pauly? Hey, you were right about that salt lick.
It's getting low.
The melt's been coming down from Big Face ever since the high winds.
All right.
I'll bring you up one tomorrow.
[Crow.]
"I love delivering salt.
" Your boss tell you to cut this low? [man.]
Yes, sir.
Mr.
Shelby and the architect decided it was desirable.
We want an absolutely unimpeded view.
I see.
[Jonah.]
"Stop.
Stop.
Wait.
" That's supposed to be a snowman, not a snowball.
"This is not as God intended aah!" [Paul.]
Get that to stick, Mr.
Thorne.
What are you doing this for, Pauly? - Man's got to eat.
- [Tom.]
"I eat lumber.
" [saw buzzing.]
[Jonah.]
"I'm free.
I'm making a run for it", and I can finally achieve all my dreams.
"Everything I've ever wanted could be mine gah!" What's the gimmick? There is no gimmick, ma'am.
That was the reaction of unstable snow to the sound waves made by that saw.
In addition, Mr.
McDade, this slope is not stable.
With those trees missing, it's dangerous.
- Good day.
- [Tom.]
"And your hats are really dumb.
" Who's he? I'm sorry.
His name is Nick Thorne.
- He's a photographer.
- [Crow.]
"And a snowball expert.
" Well-known.
He's got all the time in the world for nature, none for its development.
[Jonah.]
"And yes, now that I say it out loud", I realize how development of nature doesn't make any sense.
" [Tom.]
Oh, I took that differently.
I thought he meant he doesn't want to ruin nature and he doesn't want to develop his photography.
[Crow.]
I say let's split the difference.
He's a photographer and he's an expert on avalanche physics, and they call him Nick Thorne.
[Tom.]
Who's this guy? It's becoming like a Marvel movie in here.
[Jonah.]
I guess his name is Scott.
[Crow.]
"Feels like I'm wearing nothing at all.
" Nothing at all.
Nothing at all!" [Jonah.]
Go that way really fast, and if something gets in your way, turn.
[together.]
Dance your cares away Worry's for another day Let the music play down at avalanche [Jonah.]
I can't believe he's doing this blindfolded.
[Crow.]
"Chad, look out!" "Whoa, be careful, Trey.
" [Jonah.]
"God, don't hurt yourself, Bryce.
" Remember we've got crew team in the spring, brah.
" [Tom.]
Those French horns.
They're too loud.
They're gonna cause a you-know-what.
[frenzied orchestral music.]
[Crow.]
"Hey, I'm your title character.
" Just nice to be here at last.
Ahh.
" [Jonah.]
He's trying to merge, but the avalanche is in his blind spot.
- [together.]
USA! USA! - [Jonah.]
USA! "Oh, crap.
I was just getting this place ready" to rent for an Airbnb, and now this? "Damn it.
" [Crow.]
All that is from one snowball.
[Jonah.]
"Dude, your GoPro better be working.
" If you live through this, you know how many hits we're gonna get?" [Tom.]
"Oh, man, the avalanche has a GoPro too.
Nice.
" [Crow.]
"Aah!" I meant to do that.
" No kidding.
[rumbling.]
[Crow.]
"Wes Anderson, why?" [Tom.]
If he were a Garbage Pail Kid, they'd call him Spruced Bruce.
[Jonah.]
"Mentos, the freshmaker.
" [Crow.]
"My snowball predicted all of this.
" [Jonah.]
"Thank God these snow pants are watertight.
" I'll have to go easy on the bumps on the way down.
"Poop joke! See ya!" [Tom.]
"No trespassing!" [Jonah.]
"Where's my shotgun?" - Whoo! - Very neat.
[Crow.]
"Oh, I outran an avalanche, and all I get is 'neat'?" - You got lucky.
- Yeah.
What are you doing up here? I thought you were skiing Big Face.
[Tom.]
"I am Big Face.
" Just felt like practicing on my own, away from the crowds.
Got to check conditions.
- I just did.
- [Jonah.]
"Suck it!" Marty, don't argue with me! Get your ass up here, damn it.
[Tom.]
He's trying to return a pizza.
Well, something is going on! [Crow.]
"It's supposed to be hot, sir.
" All right.
This morning, some snot-nosed reporter started asking about Maybrook and the clearance of the land, and I don't like it.
[Crow.]
You know your phone isn't even plugged in.
Well, it could mean a lot! [Tom.]
Way to win her back, Duke Yellington.
I want you to get on that plane with the file and be up here by tomorrow night.
God, it's hard to come down from that guy.
And don't give me that "I don't approve" look.
- No.
Mm.
- [Crow.]
Mm! I-I don't approve or disapprove.
David, you're like weather.
You just happen.
[Crow.]
You're like school in summertime.
I came to collect that lunch.
Oh, my God, lunch.
I forgot.
[Tom.]
"That was two months ago.
You must be starving.
" [Jonah.]
"Hold on.
Wait a second.
Are you wearing a wire?" [Crow.]
Learn to read the room, guy.
[Tom.]
"You taste like André Previn.
" [Jonah.]
"I'm getting mixed signals.
" Are you about to eat me?" [laughs.]
You supremacy tactics.
[chuckles.]
One day, it'll work.
[Tom.]
"Or I'll get a restraining order.
" [Crow.]
"I'm in.
My puffy jacket is the perfect camouflage.
" Its inner pockets will hold at least four pounds "of cocktail shrimp; we are go.
" [Jonah.]
"Sure is a ski resort, isn't it?" "And how!" [Tom.]
"Let's take our skis up to the ski room, shall we?" [Jonah.]
"Do you think they'd let us exchange these skis for other skis?" [Crow.]
"Or we could trade with each other!" [together.]
Skis! - [Thorne.]
Shelby! - [Jonah makes zooming noise.]
- Oh, Nick.
- [Crow.]
I shaved this morning - and got a nick.
- Good to see you.
There's someone I want you to meet.
You're crazy to cut down those trees.
Caroline, this is Nick Thorne.
You know his work.
- Oh, yes, of course.
- And this is my wife, Caroline.
Mrs.
Shelby.
Look, let me put it to you this way: without that cover, everything below that place you're building is open to a slide.
Oh, Nick, we'll talk about it later this afternoon.
Hold it.
That's what you said last week.
I want to talk now.
[Tom.]
"And I'm using my authority as a photographer.
" I'm sorry, honey.
I have to talk to Nick.
Twenty minutes.
A half an hour at the most.
Then lunch.
Look, David.
I'll see you at dinner, okay? Nice to meet you, Mr.
Thorne.
But tonight's the banquet.
We won't have any time.
- You know how banquets are.
- At least I know you'll be there.
[together.]
Ava-lunch! There's just not enough hazard up on that slope to carry on about cutting down a few trees.
- There is a hazard, David.
Look.
- Oh, come on.
These mountains have gotten along without you - for a long time.
- David! - Oh.
Hello, Tina.
- Hi.
Um go easy, huh? [Jonah.]
"You say the sweetest things.
" - Okay.
- These mountains have gotten along without you for a long time, and you come barreling in here with big plans - to rearrange the whole thing.
- No, Nick.
[Crow.]
It's yes and Nick.
- Share it.
- Share it? Harry, scotch on the rocks.
Want a drink? Nothing.
You're risking the lives of everyone you are inviting here to share it.
That may have worked in front of the commissions, but now you have to deal with me.
I want people to enjoy this land, not bury them in it.
- Oh, Dave! - Philip.
[Jonah.]
Is that mortar job rustic or just lazy? We just finished skiing the entire area, and all our data says it's fine.
I don't want to hear about the surveys, Phil.
I know what they say.
What I'm asking you is why you haven't cleaned off Old Frau.
Oh, come on, Nick.
I settled that cornice days ago.
It's building.
You got a storm coming in tonight and people all over that slope.
Now, I don't know how you can ignore that hazard.
[Jonah.]
La-la-la-la-la-la.
I'm not ignoring anything.
Now, there isn't a procedure in the book I haven't covered.
[Nick.]
You're stuck in the book, Phil.
You always were.
That's right, because it's my job.
[Crow.]
"Guys, I've got a lunch in ten minutes.
" [Nick.]
At least fire a shell into that ledge before it pulls the whole mountain down on us.
Now, you listen to me.
I love this place as much as you do, and you damn well know it.
And that storm should be over by morning.
And right now, everything says we're fine.
Things aren't normal.
There's a heaviness, and it's growing.
[Tom.]
"In my heart!" - I can feel it.
- [David.]
Oh, for God's sake.
You want to panic a whole population because you feel a heaviness? [Tom.]
"In my heart!" Well, let me tell you something: I don't move with your premonition; I move with my judgment.
[Jonah.]
"I'm so mad, I'm barely in focus.
" I'll get you your goddamn papers.
[Crow.]
"And I won't be seeing you at lunch.
" I say good day, sir.
" [Tom.]
"I'm not having lunch either champ.
" [Jonah.]
"Nothing to do now except sit back" and enjoy America's Funniest Home Videos on ABC.
"[laughing.]
He died!" [doors clanking and whirring.]
Oh, wow.
Rock Hudson is the coolest.
Even when he knows he's wrong, he commits to it.
And has he got the moves smooth moves.
The way he grips Mia Farrow in a sort of death lock.
I like that his kissing style is to shove the entire woman in his mouth.
What other '70s icons fell under his spell? Suzanne Somers? Loni Anderson? Golda Meir? The secret's how he keeps the babes guessing by inviting them to lunch, then canceling.
And forgets what magazine they work for on purpose.
He doesn't know what women want, and he doesn't care.
There's something magical about that.
- Yeah.
- Did you guys see those '70s light fixtures in there? Oh, man, I put together a presentation that Yeah, uh, we're not talking about that.
- What? Oh! - [glass shatters.]
Jonah, give me huge, grasping arms.
My current design is less than optimal for Rock Hudson-style woman-capturing.
Oh, you guys don't want to be like Rock Hudson.
Are you kidding? He's my new hero! Handsome, moody, mysterious! Unafraid to wear yellow flannel! And nobody looks good in yellow.
That's for sure.
Yeah, that's not true.
Yeah.
Right.
Boom! You've been negged! Ha.
Guys, Rock Hudson's behavior is not okay.
Mia Farrow had every right to run away or kick him in the junk.
It's a dark indication of how bad things can get for women.
Okay, so Rock's not a hero to be emulated? - No.
- Well, then there's only one person in the movie we can look to for romantic guidance.
- That's right.
- [together.]
McDade! - [buzzer blaring.]
- Oh! - Aah! Movie sign! - Aah! [doors clanking and whirring.]
[Tom.]
Do you think she understands she's trapped under the ice? Ooh, let's watch.
Oh, hi there.
[Jonah.]
Oh, she's in a heated pool.
[Crow.]
Actually the safest place to be in an avalanche.
[Tom.]
Camera guy is drowning.
Don't mind him.
I say hello, Mrs.
Shelby.
Brace.
We're divorced.
[Jonah.]
"And we slur our words.
" Well, I knew I'd seen you someplace before.
- In the lobby.
- No.
Before that.
[Crow.]
"I'm uncomfortable again.
" Ah, on David's desk, in a frame.
- That's right.
- [Tom.]
"How'd you escape?" Do you like him? Let me see.
I have to think about that.
[Crow.]
"Watch me while I process this.
" I don't know.
I love him.
[laughs.]
You know.
[Jonah.]
"When men are horrible but you still hang around them.
" Gosh, I hope there'll be a snowstorm.
While I'm up here, I want to see the whole works.
[Crow.]
"And I'm really getting tired of treading water.
" I love snowstorms.
They make the world look entirely different, don't you think? Different is better? What do you think? No, I think things look pretty good from right here.
[Tom.]
"Like that swim cap you've got makes your head look so smooth.
" [Nick.]
It's cold out here.
Aren't you cold? Yup.
I'm freezing.
Come on inside.
[Jonah.]
"Inside? Maybe we can build a mermaid cave or something?" [Tom.]
"This sliding door not up to code.
" Won't withstand an avalanche.
[Crow.]
Amazing how she can turn into mist, just like a vampire or Gwyneth Paltrow.
[Tom.]
"Eh, this pool not up to code.
" [Jonah.]
"That towel totally unstable.
Not up to code.
" You coming to the party tonight? - [Tom.]
"Is it up to code?" - Or do you hate that sort of thing? No, I don't hate that sort of thing.
I-I'm just not sure I can celebrate all this.
What do you celebrate? [Crow.]
"Ramadan, Kwanzaa, Memorial Day.
" - Well - [Tom.]
Wow.
She has even less on-screen chemistry with this guy than she does with Rock Hudson.
Maybe, um, I'll see you sometime.
[Jonah.]
"I didn't even want to stop swimming.
" Now I got to keep on walking like I was planning to go anyway.
" I hope you change your mind.
[Crow.]
"You said you'd wait until I was back from the bathroom!" [Tom.]
Oh, man, how did we score VIP seats? Right behind the drummer? Nice.
[Jonah.]
1978, you have so many crimes to answer for.
[Crow.]
Can we get more cable knit sweaters in here? Thank you.
[pop rock music playing.]
[Crow.]
We want to hear "California Lady"! [Jonah.]
Hey, it's Rainbow Brite's brother.
[Tom.]
Rainbow Dim? "Trapped on balcony.
Send help!" [Jonah.]
"Uh, we made way too many of these.
" No one seems to want them.
They look awful, but they taste okay.
We're just giving them away for free now.
"Seriously, try one.
Anybody? Please?" [Crow.]
"Screw it.
We're just gonna torch 'em all" and throw 'em off the balcony; what's the difference? Who's making these things anyway? "It's ridiculous.
" [Tom.]
"Thank you for agreeing to take one of these.
" They really smell.
We're sorry.
" [Jonah.]
"Oh, yuck.
Marshmallows, grilled oysters", "cherry tomatoes, and butter?" [whimpers.]
Oh, David, eat.
Conquerors must eat.
Mother, you always have to have an opinion.
- I'll eat it all.
- Have you on my show tomorrow night.
It won't be your show if you do.
- What would I say? - You'll think of something.
We're just gonna talk we're just gonna talk about exactly [Crow.]
Oh, gross.
Here comes another one.
I'm really looking forward to being on your show tomorrow night.
You get such terrific action, and yet you're so personal with the people you talk to.
You hear that? Now I'm gonna have to kiss you for that.
[Tom.]
Movie, you are just so sexy! You're gonna have to repeat exactly what you said just now - tomorrow night.
- [laughing.]
I don't know.
[Jonah.]
"Excuse me.
The table next door has asked" that you tone down the good-natured ribbing.
" [Tom.]
"You look like a salmon.
I dig that.
" Where'd you get the band? - [Crow.]
"Discount bin.
" - San Francisco.
North Beach.
[Tom.]
"I can burn that wart off.
" [Jonah.]
I bet her smoking saves the day.
Never better.
[Crow.]
"How are all you beautiful, sexy people tonight?" We've got an avalanche of polyester on the dance floor!" [ominous music.]
[Tom.]
Rosebud.
Well, who would've thought? Nick! [Crow.]
"All these Baked Alaskas are not up to code.
" - Thank you.
- I'll get another chair.
- [Tom.]
"Is it up to code?" - Hey.
I'm glad you decided to join us.
- You.
- [Tom.]
"Excuse me?" - Florence, this is Nick Thorne.
- Champagne? - Mark Elliott.
- Mark Elliott, pleasure to meet you.
- Pleasure to meet you.
- And Tina Elliott.
Nick Thorne, you did that layout in the National Geographic.
- [Nick.]
Recent? - About a month ago.
- Smithsonian.
- That's right.
On the grizzlies of the Aleutians.
- Kodiaks.
- Would you like to dance? - Why - Oh, I Um please.
[Jonah.]
"So no one wants to go to lunch? Heh-heh.
" [Nick.]
I don't know how to do this kind of dancing, but I'll [Caroline.]
That's okay.
We'll think of something.
[Crow.]
"It's called the avalanche.
You'll love it!" David is staring at me.
[Jonah.]
"Is my tail showing again?" I don't blame him.
[Tom.]
"Let's just do the stanky leg and then go back to my camper.
" - You dance very well.
- Considering.
[Tom.]
"I have tiny baby feet.
" I think you have this idea I'm some kind of wild man of the mountain.
[laughs.]
Wild man of the mountain.
[Jonah.]
"I'll have to think about that.
" Well, I wish you wouldn't think of me in quite that way.
I don't know.
I rather enjoy that image.
[Crow.]
"I'm fine.
Just chillin' with my mom.
" [laughing.]
- What? - David is staring at Susan the way he stared at me.
[Tom.]
You know what this movie is missing? - [Jonah.]
Name tags.
- Does that bother you? No.
It liberates me.
[together.]
Whoa-oh! I was 15.
A fantastic instructor taught me the art of falling.
Did he ever explain when you're sure you're gonna fall and you know you can't stop it, you just have to go with it? [Tom.]
Nasty, Jonah.
That's your parents.
He taught me never to resist.
Aloha! Mother, this is not Hawaii.
It is if I say so.
But you have to decide how to land.
You mean the position of your body? [Tom.]
Ugh.
They're still at it.
The position of the body is very important.
I rather like it on my back.
Sideways is good too, you know.
- [Tom.]
Huh? I'm confused.
- Do you fall sideways? - Makes for a change.
- Far out.
[Crow.]
"Yeah, I like to fall by myself into a big pillow every night.
" [Jonah.]
"I hear you.
I like to relax with a nice brisk", hot shower to feel cleansed after watching a creepy, "skeezy '70s nightclub scene.
" [wind howling.]
Good night, everybody.
I'm gonna hit the sack.
It was a great party.
- [Florence.]
Aloha! - [laughs.]
Good night, Mr.
Elliott.
I'm looking very forward to being on your show tomorrow.
And I'm looking very forward to having you.
- [Crow.]
Creep kiss! - Good night.
- Let's dance, honey.
- [Crow.]
"I need some aerobic exercise" to cancel out all the cigarettes I've smoked.
" - Very good dance.
- [Jonah.]
By '70s standards.
Took my breath away.
Oh.
- Let's dance.
- Huh? What is this? You hate dancing.
[Tom.]
"There's lunch out there.
" Aloha [Tom.]
Aw, she's having an aneurism.
That's charming.
You don't even know what you're doing.
Now, you listen.
I'm tired of all this crap.
- It took us years to grow up.
- About whom are you speaking? What's going on here? I only asked you to dance.
You didn't ask me to dance.
You told me to dance.
- [Crow.]
Crazy on you! - You've got to run the whole show.
You you panic if you haven't got complete control.
It's always the same thing.
I got to the point where I didn't even know .
what I felt about anything.
I just want to be with you.
What's wrong with wanting to be with you or you wanting to be with me? You stifle me! I-I need some space! I need some room! I've got to make my own decisions.
Just leave me alone.
I don't want to leave you alone.
Well, that's a problem I can solve.
- [Jonah.]
Get a second divorce.
- Caroline! [upbeat music.]
[Max.]
The end of the show Containment Ceremony allows us to safely store the remains of each experiment for all time, so you don't have to! You're watching MST3K: Moon 13, The Moon.
[Tom.]
Why do they keep cutting to the planet Neptune? [Crow.]
I don't know, but I wish they'd just stay there.
[Jonah.]
You know, disco fever afflicted everyone back then.
[Tom.]
"I miss that paper airplane.
" - [Crow.]
The air guitar! - [Jonah.]
The spin-I'm-in.
[Tom.]
The premature.
[Crow.]
Amazing.
They've struck a delicate balance between debauchery and blandness.
[Jonah.]
"Could I nonverbally cut in? Thanks.
" [Tom.]
"I knew coming to the prom was a bad idea.
" Enjoy yourself.
Gonna hit the sack.
[Crow.]
"I've got a long, hard day of being awesome tomorrow.
" [Jonah.]
"Here's some gum as a parting gift.
" [Tom.]
"Don't go.
They're about to play 'Disco Duck.
'" [Crow.]
"I wish I could dance and gad about.
" [Tom.]
"I lost my wife to the guy from Average White Band?" Aloha! [Jonah.]
It's like a '70s kitchen got up and danced! [Tom.]
"Mom, when are you gonna pick me up?" - Oh! - Oh! - Oh.
- Sorry.
Are are you leaving? Yeah.
I I'm ready to escape.
[Jonah.]
"My jacket turns into a badger at midnight.
" You want to watch?" - Let's.
- [Tom.]
"Um, let's what?" [Crow.]
"So you and Frank are over, right?" He wouldn't have me killed, would he?" - Yup.
Better bundle up.
- [laughs.]
[Jonah.]
Hot shot here thinks he's Lord Commander of the Night's Watch.
You got your snowstorm.
Feels good.
[Crow.]
"I want hypothermia in and all around me.
" Does it make everything seem different? [laughs.]
No.
[Tom.]
"Oh, my God, he listened to me! I'm ecstatic!" Watch your step.
[Jonah.]
"Make yourself comfortable.
" I'll be back in the morning.
" [Crow.]
Oh, yeah.
I remember this part.
This is where the avalanche sneaks up and murders them, right? Am I getting it right? [Jonah.]
Oh, he's got a love shack.
[Tom.]
I bet he's got him a Chrysler It's as big as a whale And it's about to start to snow - [wolves howl.]
- Boy, what a wild place to live.
You think so? [Crow.]
Sounds like they're in for a wolf-alanche.
- It's exciting out here.
- Careful.
[Jonah.]
"I placed several bear traps in the snow" - "along this path.
" - Right here.
Be careful.
[Crow.]
This is why going outside sucks and is, frankly, overrated.
[Caroline giggles.]
Freezing! [Tom.]
"So you're really taking me to see Santa?" Really, really? Hey, this is just a dreamy bachelor pad.
" [Jonah.]
There's as much snow inside as out.
- [Crow.]
Neptune again! Why? - [Tom.]
Snow is stupid.
- Boy.
- [Jonah.]
"So want to make fondue," 'cause it's, you know, the '70s and whatnot?" - Hot chocolate? Beer? - Beer, please.
[Tom.]
"No, I was offering you hot chocolate beer.
" It's a craft brew.
" You built this house yourself, didn't you? - Yeah.
- [Tom.]
"This morning.
" - Figures.
- [Jonah.]
"It's missing a wall.
" I like it.
I don't know if I could handle the isolation, though.
[Tom.]
"Yeah, hey, you want to listen" to K-Tel's 22 Explosive Hits? "I've got the album and eight-track.
" - What is this thing? - What's it look like? - [Crow.]
Tilda Swinton? - Goat? - That's a ram.
- Oh, a ram.
[Jonah.]
"Oh, from the dynamite magazine.
" I like your pictures.
I really do.
- Thank you.
- Oh, I see you have a Um, what do you call it? You do your printing here.
Yeah.
Want to take a look? Go ahead.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
- [Tom.]
"Did I mention" John Denver used to live here?" That whatchamacallit is an [Caroline.]
Enlarger.
[laughs.]
[Crow.]
You know, not that I'm complaining, but by this point, Gene Hackman was already halfway through the Poseidon.
[Jonah.]
This is extremely rare.
It's a Keane painting of an ocelot.
[Tom.]
"Okay, hot chocolate beer, work your magic.
" [Jonah.]
"Careful.
That photo enlarger has a hair trigger", so you might want to be Oh, my God, she's dead!" [Tom.]
"Whoa! You got naked, like, super quick.
" [Crow.]
"Oh, I see you've found my avalanche viewing platform.
" - Thank you.
- [Jonah.]
Boy, the grips are really chuckin' that snow out there, huh? Especially the one on the right.
It's coming down in intermittent handfuls.
[Crow.]
"So the big question: do you like Welcome Back, Kotter?" 'Cause it's on and we're missing it.
" I don't know what to say.
[Jonah.]
"You ever read any Jack London?" Can I give you a big hug? [Tom.]
Whoa, this guy's got the moves.
He's gonna get a hug! [Jonah.]
"I don't want to seem too forward, but I like you, and I think you like me", so don't you think it's time we gently pat each other on the head?" - [dramatic music.]
- [Tom.]
"New World Pictures" presents Flag-alanche!" [Crow.]
Circle of life.
Man cuts down tree, turns tree into bleachers, nature takes it back.
[Jonah.]
"I sense something", like a million banners crying out at once.
" [ominous music.]
[Crow.]
Ah, the crew guys are at it again with the snow.
There's more of them.
- [phone rings.]
- Hello.
[Tom.]
"Naked shirtless guy hotline.
" What? I'll be right there.
[Jonah.]
Guys, what are those controllers for? - Good morning.
- [woman.]
Morning.
[Crow.]
Dig deep, Rock.
Come on.
Morning.
[Tom.]
"Wait, you're not Doris Day.
What" Had a little trouble with the drink last night.
Would you like your orange juice? [Crow.]
"Oh, this is the best concierge service ever.
" [Tom.]
Yeah, orange juice.
[Jonah.]
What, is she ascending up into the sky? - [phone rings.]
- [Tom.]
Whoa, whoa.
- [Tom.]
Careful.
- [Crow.]
Whoa! [Tom.]
"Oh, is that the phone", or is my heterosexuality reaching dangerous levels?" Hello.
Ugh.
Yeah, Marty.
Wh [Crow.]
"Biff stole the DeLorean again!" I don't care about your pilot and his weather conditions.
I want you and that file on a plane up here tonight.
[Crow.]
"So I should drop the whole Marty McFly thing?" No, Marty.
You.
Not the National Guard or the Marine Corps.
You.
And that file in your hot little hands.
[Jonah.]
"Leave my hands out of this!" Marty! We are talking about a ten-year, multimillion-dollar project, and you are telling me about clouds? [Jonah.]
"Are you talking in a car wash?" Well, give him another 500 bucks.
See how his vision improves.
[Tom.]
"And the most important thing oh.
" [Crow.]
"Well, suicide for me.
" [piano music playing.]
[Jonah.]
Wow.
She always wears the perfect thing for every occasion.
[Tom.]
"Did Rufus Wainwright break into our cabin again?" [Crow.]
"I could just give this whole place a big hug.
" [Jonah.]
"Where's my orange juice?" [male newscaster.]
News from Colorado in the west: a blizzard that hit - [Crow.]
"Love, Avalanche.
" - [newscaster.]
is nearly over.
[Jonah.]
I'm snowshoeing on sunshine Whoa-oh I'm snowshoeing on sunshine Whoa-oh And it's time to feel snow [Crow.]
"Okay, let's get moving.
" The boss wants a larger, more complicated sauna.
" [Tom.]
Da-da-da-da-da, snow [Jonah.]
Attention, all personnel: tonight's movie will be Avalanche.
The vacationers at a winter wonderland struggle to survive after an avalanche of snow crashes into their ski resort.
Their holiday then turns into a game of survival.
Starring Rock Hudson, Mia Farrow, Robert Forster, Jeanette Nolan, and introducing Peggy Browne as the ice skater.
[Crow.]
Hey, that's a handicapped spot! [Jonah.]
Why can't he just take the ski lift like everyone else? [Tom.]
Wait a minute.
He chartered a helicopter to fly in to see if the crew was able to assemble bleachers? [Crow.]
They are in trouble! [Jonah.]
Is everything brown, or do I have a retina damage? Good morning, lady.
[Crow.]
"Are the bleachers okay?" Um, have you seen Caroline this morning? - No.
- Oh.
Well, I got to get the world rolling.
Want to come along? - What? - I'm going to work winter wonders.
Do you want to watch? What are you going to do, freeze the Red Sea? [laughs.]
For you, anything.
- But not outdoors.
- Next year, indoors.
[Tom.]
I'm completely lost.
Hey, get me another one.
Hey, don't you drink too many of those things.
- Right on.
- [Jonah.]
"And Dy-no-mite!" [Crow.]
Avalanche or no, this mountain needs its glaucoma test.
[Jonah.]
Wow, this guy's really serious about playing Duck Hunt.
[Crow.]
Topical.
"Yep, it's snow, all right, just as I suspected.
" [Tom.]
"Naked lady holding orange juice?" [Jonah.]
"Smile, you son of a b " [Tom.]
"While I'm up here, I might as well go see what's happening in the condos.
" "Oh, I'm a pretty lady.
Hope no one's watching me.
I don't have a stitch on.
" [Jonah.]
Hey, get down from there.
[doors clanking and whirring.]
Marco! [both.]
Polo! - Marco! - [both.]
Polo! [whimpers.]
Neville LaRoy is almost here, and I am not ready.
What is so special about this guy? Um, he is a handsome celebrity space magician, and he's my soul mate.
Soul but you haven't even met him.
Get out.
Just shoo! Shoo! You're ruining our love.
Not our love.
There's nothing here.
It's with me and Neville.
God, I hate you.
I didn't mean that to hurt your feelings.
I just mean that just as a fact.
Oh, Neville.
- Hi, Neville.
- Hi, Kinga.
I've got a trick for you.
- Ha! - [dove coos.]
- [giggles.]
- Oh, and I loved your last email.
Thanks.
Those comments you left on my vlog were pretty special too.
You know, dating you has been the happiest six months of my life, Kinga.
The emails, the Twitter DMs, the Facebook shares.
I forget we've never been in the same room.
I've never felt this close to anyone before.
Even though this is technically the farthest I've ever been from anyone.
- [gentle music playing.]
- Things are just simpler online.
Sometimes love is so strong That distance can't beat it You love something so much You'd rather not meet it Awkward feelings are all Proximity breeds And our Wi-Fi's so good It's all that we need [together.]
So close and yet so far That's the way we are Our love is on wings you can't see We never met Is it hot? You bet [together.]
Our love is on wings you can't see It's so sublime Let's tie the knot online When I close my eyes What I see is you My soul touches yours But that's the only touching we'll do Why can't Kinga be That kind of in love with me? Is it because we must share The same air? Is it 'cause she can smell me And 'cause when I talk with my mouth Tiny specks of my spit will fly out And land on her hair? If you have coffee breath I'll never know There's no physical way I could step on your toe Your texts are so sweet, baby I can't doubt Sometimes I'm on the can When we make out [together.]
Our love is on wings you can't see Just stay over yonder Absence makes the heart grow fonder [together.]
Our love is on wings virtually There's no germs when you cough Awkward silence? Just log off You are my true love And my love is true I need all of your love The only thing I don't need is you - So close and yet so far - So close and yet so far - That's the way you are - That's the way you are [together.]
That's the way we are We are [together.]
So close and yet Oh, so close and yet So far You know what? Let's do it.
Let's pull the trigger and just meet in person.
Kinga, I love you too much to do that.
Huh? FTW, K.
Okay.
[console beeps.]
Dear diary - Marco! - [both.]
Polo! - Marco! - Oh, we got movie sign.
Yeah, right.
Not falling for that one, guys.
Oh! We got movie sign! [buzzer blaring.]
[doors clanking and whirring.]
- Go! - [overlapping shouts and cheers.]
[Jonah.]
Smokers, drinkers, and drug users? [Crow.]
I get it.
It's a race to see who's gonna live in the '80s.
[Jonah.]
Aww! It's the crew, and they've never been on skis before.
[Crow.]
For centuries, feet have been used to carry our bodies.
Later, skis were introduced, making feet look small in comparison.
[Tom.]
Pick up the pace, 263! You're disappointing everyone! [Crow.]
"I'm gonna put 263 out of his misery.
" It's got to be done.
" [Jonah.]
That is one badass camera.
I take back what I said about photographers.
[Tom.]
Good day for Pepperidge Farm style avalanche shootin'.
[Jonah.]
Yeah! Time to kick this movie's plot into gear.
[Crow.]
It really says something that this avalanche has more emotional range than Mia Farrow.
[Tom.]
Well, yeah, why did you think the avalanche got top billing? [dramatic music.]
[Crow.]
Oh, yeah, now 263's running.
[Jonah.]
Is it even an avalanche if it doesn't break a single icicle? [Tom.]
Doesn't this dramatic music call for a monolith to rise from the ground and usher in the next age of human evolution or something? [Crow.]
Sure, it's pretty, but what have we learned? [Jonah in Jamaican accent.]
This movie brought to you by Red Stripe beer, the official beer of the Jamaican bobsled team featured in the 1993 hit movie Cool Runnings.
- Whoo! - [cheers and applause.]
[Jonah.]
"You will all be assimilated" by the Borg-shaped lodge back there.
" [Crow.]
"Kicked the snot out of that red tape!" All right! [Jonah as Elvis.]
"Thank you.
Thank you very much.
" I feel that it's only appropriate that you be the first man up.
[Jonah.]
He's got the bouncin' and behavin' hair.
And that's so for two reasons.
One: I really don't want to test it.
[laughter.]
[Crow.]
Ha-ha! If there's one thing skiers love, it's crowd work; keep it up! And two: I mean, it's quite obvious from your record that you need some kind of a head start.
[Jonah.]
The Comedy Central Roast of Bruce.
I'd just like to say from all your friends up here, Bruce, and from all your friends all over the skiing world that we owe you a great deal.
[Tom.]
That's what I love most about the sport of skiing: all the chitchatting and glad-handing.
Mark, thank you.
Let's go up the slopes.
[Crow.]
"Skiing causes me great pain.
Aah!" Hey, Bruce.
Can we have your autograph? [Jonah.]
"No.
" - All right.
- Could I convince one of you Perhaps this dark-haired beauty - To ride up on a chair with me? - All right! I think you're gonna bring a lot of pleasure to a lot of people.
[Tom.]
"But not through your acting in this movie.
" And I want to thank everybody for making all of this possible.
Have a good day.
[Jonah.]
"Lunch is on me.
" [cheers and applause.]
[Crow.]
Rock.
Rock! Not this way, Rock.
[Tom.]
"The 1978 Mercedes Avalanche class" When you arrive seconds before the big one.
" [dramatic music.]
[Jonah.]
"Excuse me.
Sorry.
Big shot coming through.
" I don't like anything.
My unhappiness drives me.
" - Good morning, gentlemen.
- [Tom.]
"Do you mind?" We're trying to judge.
" Good morning.
[Crow.]
"Well, it would be if I wasn't sitting behind this giant weird trophy that looks like a tadpole or something.
" [Jonah.]
"Ah, she's starting off with a triple plus", turning it straight into a Bea Arthur, "and from there, a flawless Queen Mum.
" [Crow.]
"Wow, a Queen Mum!" [Tom.]
"I can't believe it.
A Colonel Tom Parker.
" We haven't seen one of those in competition in six years.
" - [Jonah.]
"Colonel Tom Parker.
" - [Crow.]
"Trust yourself! Believe in yourself!" [Tom.]
"A Gremlin-Pacer combo.
Beautiful.
" [Jonah.]
"And now a Mr.
Mouse into a Travis Bickle" followed by a triple Gloria Gaynor.
"We will survive!" [Crow makes engine noise.]
[dramatic music.]
[Tom.]
"And it's a Scream Blacula Scream" into a perfectly executed Super Dad, and she sticks the Grape Ape "with a Miracle Drop of Retsyn.
" [Crow.]
"I'm gonna cut you.
Seriously.
" - Really dreamy.
- [Crow.]
"You're dead.
" [Tom.]
"Can I borrow the bowl you used to cut your hair?" - Thanks.
- [Jonah.]
"Oh, she's not gonna make it.
" [man.]
56 Quebec to Lastry Tower.
Over.
56 Quebec to Lastry Tower.
Over.
What are they, asleep? No, Mr.
Brenner.
We're under the MRA.
We can't contact either end because of the terrain.
Oh, for Christ's sake.
[Tom.]
And also holy mackerel.
Also Jiminy Cricket.
Also golly gee, Williams.
Also cheese and crackers! Jason, darling, stay here and watch Mommy and Daddy ski down.
[Crow.]
"We're leaving you here with Wavy Gravy.
" And finally, we have the Ted Courtney's, who are patrons of the Colorado Cup.
[Jonah.]
"That's the cup we're gonna throw our keys into tonight in the lodge.
" Well, ladies and gentlemen, this new lift is now officially open.
So let's do some skiing.
[Tom.]
"Hey, kid, can I have a word with you?" Be right over.
Just a second.
Almost there.
"Taking longer than I thought.
Sorry.
Umm" How about it, pal? You want to go up? [Crow.]
"I am a messenger from Muad'Dib.
" Mrs.
Courtney? - Is it all right? - [Jonah.]
"Ha-ha! Sure, stranger.
" Well, if you really want to.
And on! Well, I'm Mark.
Who are you? [Tom.]
"I am the avalanche bringer.
" [Jonah.]
"Keep it together.
Don't choke.
" Save your breakdown for the end of the routine.
" [Crow.]
Zombie Tony Danza? [orchestral music.]
[Jonah.]
"There.
I can finally let this gas out, and no one will know.
" [makes farting sound.]
[man.]
Mr.
Shelby and I have made this trip 100 times.
It's never been this bad.
- [Jonah.]
Joe Don Baker? - Could we have flown past? [pilot.]
No.
I'm scared we're a lot closer than we want to be.
[Tom.]
This one's called the Impending Doom, yes, into an Ominous Foreshadowing.
[Crow.]
Why are they in the penalty box? [Jonah.]
"I call this one 'Nobody is Watching.
'" [Crow.]
These scenes cut together so well.
[Jonah.]
"Okay, this is the Cindy Brady" followed by the Marcia, Marcia, Marcia.
" [together.]
"Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!" [Jonah.]
"Lunch.
" "This is the lunch combo.
" A Premium Saltine with a Virginia Slim "into a Seedless Grape!" [Crow.]
All right, let's make this avalanche happen.
Come on.
- Come on! Hey, hey, hey! - [cymbals crashing.]
What does this mean? [Ed.]
We're losing power.
Our fuel cell is starting to fluctuate.
Ed, find a place to sit this thing down.
[Jonah.]
"We're not gonna sit this thing down.
" We're gonna crash this thing down.
" [Tom.]
"That was a triple Dulcolax.
" [Crow.]
"Set it down on the avalanche.
" [Jonah.]
"This is a Stifled Yawn.
" [Tom.]
"Three dollars for peanuts?" And the bag is so small.
" [Crow.]
Finally.
Thank you.
Someone's listening.
- How old are you? - 16.
- Got an ID? - Uh-huh.
See you in the bar when I get down.
[Jonah.]
"I need help with my trig homework.
" [Tom.]
"Are we having a meal on this flight?" [Jonah.]
Schlitz, the beer that made avalanches famous.
[Crow.]
When you're out of snow, tough Schlitz.
[Tom.]
Oh, now it's one of those hybrid sci-fi/B-movies like Sharknado or Lavalantula.
[Crow.]
Ladies and gentlemen, we give you Plane-alanche! [Jonah.]
I didn't know snow was so combustible.
[Tom.]
It's not, but Styrofoam is.
[Crow.]
Now, if that doesn't start an avalanche, I'm leaving.
[Jonah.]
I think we need to get a sense of scale here.
This could be a snow fort for all we know.
[Tom.]
This really begs the question: would you suffocate painfully while buried under snow for a Klondike bar? [Crow.]
"Remember, bring your ID to the bar" and don't sit next to my wife.
" [Tom.]
I think the avalanche was an inside job.
Clearly, Rock Hudson is going to profit from this.
[Crow.]
Yeah.
Think of the money he'll make on the snow cone concession alone.
[Jonah.]
Classic false flag operation.
[Tom.]
Ski in a zigzag! Avalanches can only see straight! [Crow.]
"Hi.
Avalanche here.
I've been waiting for this.
" Mm, feels good.
" [dramatic music.]
[Tom.]
"It's the big sound of radio.
WSNO!" Mornings with Pulley and Cable.
" [Jonah.]
"It's a blast of avalanche flavor.
" [Crow.]
"This is so much better than Six Flags.
" [Tom.]
I'd love to see the marionette that's controlling.
[Jonah.]
"Dude! I've always wanted to surf an avalanche!" Doh!" [Tom.]
"Up here, you don't head for mountains.
" The mountains head for you.
" [Crow.]
No pressure, but if you fall, Blake Shelton, you're totally gonna die.
[all shouting.]
[Jonah.]
You know, it's technically illegal to film ski jumps at standard frame rates, see? [Tom.]
Don't panic.
Snow can sense your fear.
[man.]
Come on down, Gary! [Crow.]
Just when you thought this movie couldn't get any whiter.
[man.]
This is the first time on the gelande.
Can he make [Jonah.]
Cool screen wipe.
[Tom.]
"Oh! If he dies in an avalanche, that's gonna cost him some points.
" [Jonah.]
There it is.
The agony of defeat.
Thank you.
[Crow.]
"Ah, yeah, it feels good to stretch out.
" You think it's so easy to sit on top of a mountain that long? "Yeah!" [Jonah.]
"Oh, no, I'm gonna die, and my last act on Earth" was hitting on an underage girl.
Hey, I stuck the landing.
I bought some time.
"Now if I could just jam in one good deed in the next 15 seconds" [Crow.]
Turn around and try and reason with it! [Jonah.]
"I need to find a tree to jump into.
" Nope, that one won't work.
Nope, that one won't work.
"Nope, not that one.
No, not that one either.
" [Crow.]
Come on, Avalanche! Get him! Get him! [chanting together.]
Avalanche! Avalanche! - [Tom.]
Bruce Vilanch! - [Crow.]
Blanka-patch! [together.]
Papa was a rolling stone Wherever he laid snow was his home And when you die All he'll leave you is snow [Jonah.]
"I can't die in bell bottoms.
" [Tom.]
"Someone feed my cat!" [Crow.]
"Dude, it can't hurt us.
We're not skiing.
" [all.]
Gah! [Jonah.]
"I regret my choices.
" [Tom.]
It's man against woman against child against fence.
[Crow.]
"Attention: avoid the snow side of the fence", or you will die in irony.
"Now back to the music.
" [Jonah.]
"We ordered too many white cherry Icees! Aah!" [Tom.]
"Yeah, yeah.
You asked for an avalanche of flavor", and now you got it, huh? "Not enjoying it, are you?" [people screaming.]
[Crow.]
"How close to the router do I have to be to get the Wi-Fi?" [Jonah.]
"All these screams of torment and gigatons of sliding snow" are making it really tough to focus on my morning meditation.
" [upbeat music.]
[Max.]
We now interrupt this avalanche to bring you Avalanche, already in progress.
You're watching Avalanche on MST3K: Moon 13, The Moon.
- [radio tuning.]
- [Tom.]
The Columbia Broadcasting System presents Orson Welles and The Mercury Theatre on the Air in War of the Worlds.
[Jonah.]
"Santa?" [Tom.]
You know, from a maintenance point of view, you want that snow off your roof.
[Jonah.]
"I put my faith in the man ups Oh, God!" [Tom.]
"I know I should look away, but I can't.
" [Jonah.]
Oh, I get it.
This is like what inside of a snow globe is like.
[Crow.]
"Love yourself" [Tom.]
"This one's called Man's Inhumanity to Man.
" [Crow.]
"Believe in yourself" [Jonah.]
The Daniel Clowes characters love it.
[Tom.]
The juice is loose [Crow.]
Oh, he's the hero because he was bored enough to look around.
[Jonah.]
"Up, up", and away!" [Tom.]
Cathy's skate routine, day 12.
[Crow.]
"Love your What?" [Jonah.]
"It's Walmart's Black Friday sale.
" An avalanche of savings.
All snow 80% off.
" [people screaming.]
[Tom.]
Mosh pit! [people screaming.]
[Crow.]
"Hey! Hey, bro! Your lights are on!" [Tom.]
"Avalanches don't exist!" [Jonah.]
Get to lower ground! [Crow.]
Is this an avalanche or a poltergeist? [Jonah.]
"Blue diamonds, purple horseshoes", and now white craggy boulders.
"They're always getting buried in me Lucky Charms.
" [Crow slurring.]
"Uh, this is gonna need more ice.
" What is it? [Jonah.]
"It's the ice you ordered.
" - [Tom.]
"Aloha!" - [Crow.]
"My spleen and kidneys!" [Jonah.]
"My scapula!" [Tom.]
"My everything else!" [Crow.]
"Save us, Harry Potter!" [Tom.]
"One peanut butter banana cheesecake surpri aah!" [Jonah.]
"It's getting slippery in here.
" I'll just grab one of those large pots of tomato sauce and spill it aah!" [Crow.]
"My bisque!" [Tom.]
"You're interrupting my panty-sitting time!" [Jonah.]
"My Buddha!" [Crow.]
The avalanche really missed an opportunity by not sending down a torrent of knives.
[Jonah.]
Uh, hey, buddy, you got a little bat in the cave there.
- Hey! - [Tom.]
Keep it down.
You'll start an avalanche.
Can you hear me? [Jonah.]
This a Verizon ad? Easy.
Easy, now.
Easy, Jason.
Okay, just move your arm.
Go easy.
I've got you.
[Crow.]
"Looks like I'm your dad now.
" How does the name Ryan strike you?" Attaboy.
It's okay.
Easy.
Good.
[Tom.]
"This is good to you?" [Jonah.]
It's log, it's log It's big, it's heavy, it's wood It's log, it's log It's better than bad, it's good [Crow.]
"You need a password if you want to log in.
" I'm sorry.
I couldn't resist.
- You all right? - Yeah.
It's my leg.
[Jonah.]
"And my relevance to the plot.
" [Tom.]
"Phil, it's the third time this week" I've found you under a log; it's getting weird.
" - How's it feel? - I think it's okay.
What are you doing up here? [Crow.]
"Location scouting for Avalanche Two.
" I was on my way up here, worried about that crazy thing - [Tom.]
It's cute.
- when it broke.
It was an airplane that started the slide.
Looks bad.
[Jonah.]
"Whoa! You ain't kidding!" If you get down there to the rink, I'll get to the hotel.
[Crow.]
"Let's agree to split everything we find.
" - As quick as you can, yeah? - You bet.
[Tom.]
"I just need a couple more minutes under the log and I'll be right down.
" [Jonah.]
"Can't believe, as a kid, I used to do this for fun.
" So sobering now.
"People are dying.
" [Crow.]
"I think your Fitbit is broken.
" It says you took 10,000 steps in the last two minutes.
That can't be right.
"Oh, right, you were running for your life.
Sorry.
" [Tom.]
Yeah, there's irony for you.
It's called the avalanche award.
[Jonah.]
He survived by the skin of his turtleneck, didn't he? - [Crow.]
"Mommy, catch me!" - Both doors are jammed.
- [Tom.]
"My wooden leg!" - Oh, terrific.
[Jonah.]
I hope you both really like big cottage cheese.
- [sighs.]
- [discordant piano notes.]
[Tom.]
Take it easy, Tom Waits.
[Crow.]
Next stop: flavor country.
- Hey! - Gas! [Jonah.]
Bork, Bork, Bork, Bork Durgen sopa-nopa-nopa Cookin' der chicken noodle soupen [gas hissing.]
[Crow.]
"Wait, he overcooked the squid!" That kitchen has a cheerleader? [screaming.]
[Jonah.]
"My popcorn shelf!" [Crow.]
Here comes the fire department to put the avalanche out.
[Jonah.]
You know, that would actually work if they used hot water.
[sirens wailing.]
[Tom.]
No, I want to change my answer.
Can we make the fire trucks actually shoot fire? That would help.
[Crow.]
That wasn't even caused by the avalanche.
They're just completely incompetent.
[Jonah.]
They should change the name of this movie from Avalanche to just General Catastrophe.
[Tom.]
Oh, so now we're seeing collateral deaths from the idea of an avalanche? [Crow.]
What's next, someone cutting their finger on the newspaper reading about it? [Tom.]
"Oh, rats, it's gonna be weeks" before this restaurant can serve lunch again.
" [Crow.]
"Okay, so everybody in here signed liability wavers, right?" Liability wavers? Everyone?" - What's the worst? - The power's out.
And there was an explosion in the kitchen, f.
and the dining room is blocked of.
- There may be some people trapped.
- Outside.
Some guys are working on that right now.
Good.
Have you seen my mother? Where's Caroline? No, but, David, there's There's a gas leak in the kitchen.
It may be going into the dining room.
[Jonah.]
"And the actor for the scene didn't even show.
I'm sorry.
" Well, then we get the blowers going full-blast.
David, the power is out! Steve, I want you to take whoever you need, get up to Lastry, work on that backup generator.
- I want it operating.
- Yes, sir.
Get blankets, sheets, - all you can carry.
- Right.
Get them up to the skating rink as fast as you can.
[Crow.]
"And stop dripping blood on the carpet!" Can't anybody get through to Cedar Falls? [woman.]
We're completely cut off.
[Tom.]
"Uh, break's over, Cindy.
" Get her out of here and see if you can make that thing work.
Been trying, boss.
We can't get through anywhere.
Well, keep on trying! [Crow.]
"Speed-walked here from Cedar City and back in an hour.
" New record.
Anything happen while I was gone?" - You got any dynamite? - What's going on? We're gonna have to blast through the other side of the hotel People trapped inside.
[Tom.]
Dynamite seems like overkill.
Why don't they just set the hotel on fire? [Jonah.]
"Never mind where I got it or how I got it so quickly", but it's a whole mess of dynamite.
" [Tom.]
Mark Elliott, Missy Elliott's drifter father? [Crow.]
"Let's assume Mark's dead and steal his truck.
" What's going on? [Jonah.]
Those tampons look really dangerous.
[Tom humming Legend of Zelda secret sound effect.]
[Crow.]
"We hit disco floor.
" Well, we can blast maybe one more time.
Then we better just dig.
[Caroline.]
David! David! [Tom.]
"Go away, you English pig dog", or I will taunt you a second time.
" - [Caroline.]
Are you all right? - [Jonah.]
"Never better.
" [Crow.]
"Careful, she's really flimsy.
" - Are you all right? - Have you seen my mother? No.
I don't know where she is.
[Tom.]
"But I'm alive.
Thanks for asking.
" [Crow.]
Wow, the avalanche was polite enough to go around the parking lot.
That was nice.
[Tom.]
"Hey, you guys know how to get to Altamont?" [Crow.]
"I thought we all agreed to wear blue, Carl!" [Jonah.]
"Try to avoid those giant boulders of snow" that keep getting tossed by the breeze.
" [Tom.]
It's like watching babies learn to walk.
[Jonah.]
"Let's stop here and camp for the evening.
" We'll head for the summit in the morning.
" [Tom.]
"Ugh! Go, Packers! Go, Packers!" Oh, my God.
[Tom.]
"I left my inhaler in the Winnebago.
" [Jonah.]
"It's the orange juice lady, and she's still nude.
" What are you gonna do now? - [Crow.]
"Found your glasses.
" - We're going to set up.
What? [Tom.]
"I said, 'I'm kind of Bryan Cranston.
'" We're gonna shoot this goddamn thing.
Haul that stuff up here.
[Tom.]
And so was born the era of spectators filming things rather than stepping in and helping people.
[Crow.]
"Do you even know how a tripod works, Jim?" [Jonah.]
Oh, look.
They've got one of those Fisher-Price cameras and everything.
[doors clanking and whirring.]
Hey, everybody.
You know, we have a lot of fun here on the Satellite of Love.
That's right, but we'd like to get serious for a moment and talk about a real problem.
Hybrid B-movies.
Sharktopus, Piranhaconda, and the like.
It's not okay to just combine an animal with a disaster and release it as a bad-on-purpose movie.
So we're drawing a line in the sand.
No longer shall the public be fooled by deliberately stupid junk disguised as sincere, heartfelt junk.
And we're going to patent as many as-yet-unmade hybrid B-movie titles as we can just to keep them out of the hands of those who would use them for wrong.
That's right.
Movies like Snowcano and Triceraquake.
Gatorlanche.
Horsetapus.
Pugslide.
Narwalrus: Arctic Terror.
- Blitzfrog.
- Swanpedo.
Frankensnake Riftbeaver Vs.
Outer Space Napalmuskrat.
- Volcanosaurus Rex.
- Woolly Clammoth.
Streptococker Spaniel.
Wh what how did they get an on-screen text crawl? Jonah must have hacked our video plumbing! Why didn't we think of Streptococker Spaniel? We have got to claim some of these titles.
Uh, uh, Quicksandvalanche! Amadeusaurus! - Skeeballocaust! - Robo-Bonobo! Ugh, darn it.
That's already on the list! - Ugh! - [grunts.]
Mecha-Shakespeare-icaine.
Platapocalypse Vs.
Clownocerus.
Cari-boo! 'Cause it's a ghost.
Boo! An Underground Coyoteprawn Meets the Tsunami Crab - [buzzer blaring.]
- Oh, my God, movie sign! - Movie sign! - Aah! [doors clanking and whirring.]
[Crow.]
Joey Ramone leads the search-and-rescue team.
[Tom.]
Rock, rock, rock, rock, Rock and roll search team [Jonah.]
"They laughed at us when we joined shovel squad", but now we are the heroes, see?" [Tom.]
"Come, let my bell bottoms reassure your bell bottoms.
" [Crow.]
"Think of it as building a snowman in reverse.
" [Jonah.]
Can you paint With all the colors of the snow? Are you all right? [Jonah.]
Is he from Civil War? Did the avalanche send them back in time? [Crow.]
Time-alanche! Has anyone seen my Jeanette? I'll see if I can find out.
[Jonah.]
Jeanette? So many new characters.
It's like the third season of Lost.
[dog barks.]
Herman, it's Bruce's hat! [Jonah.]
"He's probably right underneath it.
" [Crow.]
He doesn't seem concerned that he's just trampling all over people still buried.
[Tom.]
"Who are we digging for again?" "Bruce!" [panting, grunting.]
[Crow.]
"Oh, oh, boy.
This is embarrassing.
" We thought you were our friend Bruce.
"We're so sorry.
" - Bruce! - [Jonah.]
"Oh, thanks!" Hey! [Tom.]
"Has anyone seen my hat?" Hey! [Jonah.]
"Anybody got any extra Tauntaun out there?" I'm freezing!" Ah.
Can you hear me? [Crow.]
Woof, woof! [Jonah.]
Oh, that's so cute.
Is that real brandy? [Crow.]
It's grape juice, but it'll be brandy in nine years.
[Tom slurring.]
"Sorry.
I only know improvisational jazz.
" [Florence.]
Oh-ho-ho.
McDade, we're [Tom.]
"You must remember this " A kiss is just a kiss " A snow is just a snow" If you were the only boy in the world - And I - [Crow.]
"Oh, why didn't I" get killed in that avalanche?" - [both singing indistinctly.]
- [Jonah.]
Don't sing along.
You don't work for her anymore.
The world has ended.
- [piano glissando.]
- [Tom.]
Ooh, ooh, ooh Diggin' the dancing queen [Florence laughs hysterically.]
[Jonah.]
"Ha-ha-ha! I saw a really funny episode" of Rick and Morty last night!" [Crow.]
Oh, no! The avalanche was poisoned! Don't don't go to sleep, Mrs.
Shelby.
[Tom.]
"Sorry.
Just repositioning the dynamite.
" I'm a bit of a control freak.
" - Go, Phil.
- Okay.
[Crow.]
"Great, now let's look for everyone's chunks.
" [Jonah.]
"Well, I can cross 'power-slamming an elderly woman'" off my bucket list.
" Are you all right? What, did I bring down the house again? [laughing.]
I think they're dynamiting the snow from outside.
[Crow.]
She's harder to kill than Wolverine.
[Florence.]
Oh, it's cold.
Well, that's it.
Come on.
We got to dig.
[Tom.]
"Hey, know what's below.
Call 811 before you dig.
" That's a public service announcement from avalanche.
" [Jonah.]
He's hugging a giant parakeet! Oh, it's her.
[Crow.]
"You smell like those fancy grandma soaps" and alcoholism.
" [Tom.]
"Steve, just pretend you're hugging Anderson Cooper.
" [Jonah.]
"Is this wrong? She's dying, but I can't help" but mentally run through my to-do list for when I get out of here.
" Florence? [Tom.]
Weekend at Bernadette's Two: Girls' Night Out.
[Crow.]
McDade, no! [Jonah.]
Oh, he's just gonna use it as a shovel.
That's a relief, huh, guys? [Tom.]
I guess.
[dramatic music.]
[Tom.]
I'm starting to enjoy this.
[Jonah.]
Yeah, we used to dig tunnels.
- [together.]
All the time! - [Crow.]
"Get me out of here!" Your mother is starting to bloat!" [Tom.]
Oh, no.
He's doing a one-man desperate passage.
[Jonah.]
"Phil, digging is my jam.
It's working my core and my glutes.
" This is what I just needed.
Just passive resistance is the way to go.
" [Crow.]
"I should be digging.
I was filling the hole in.
" Sorry.
Major miscommunication on my part.
" - [McDade grunts.]
- [Tom.]
Yeah, two-man digging is the way to go shoulder to shoulder, getting things done.
Take some of this, David.
- [Phil stammers.]
- Pull out that log.
- [Phil.]
All right.
- [David.]
Pull that log out.
[Phil.]
Move some of this, and let's try and get this log.
I think it'll I think it'll I'm over here! [Crow.]
"It's me, Danny from Time Travelers!" I'm over here! [Jonah.]
"Oh, man, I'm gonna be feeling this tomorrow.
" [Tom.]
"I'll be tired at the end of the day.
" [Jonah.]
"Yeah, but it'll be the good kind of tired.
" [Crow.]
"I've got to get out of here.
" Florence's fumes are starting to get to me.
" [Jonah.]
"Hello? What's this? We found a hand.
" Get the dynamite.
We'll blast out the rest of him.
" [Tom.]
"Oh, it's not McDade.
It's just another frozen Australopithecus.
" Keep digging.
" [Crow.]
"Hello, Thing.
" [Jonah.]
"Let me fix your hair.
" You don't want to look like a mess.
"The press is right outside.
" Mr.
Shelby.
[Tom.]
"Did ancient astronauts visit avalanches?" Find out in Mysteries of the Unknown by Time-Life Books.
" Oh, my God.
[Jonah.]
"I'm in so much trouble.
" [Crow.]
"Okay, here's the drill:" stab far enough that you know you've hit someone but not so far that you thoroughly impale them.
- Got it?" - [both.]
"Got it.
" [Crow.]
Oh, right in the hind of Vlad the Impaler up there.
Oh! [Jonah.]
Dude, that must be the North Pole.
[Crow.]
Grab on to the pole with your molars.
[Jonah.]
Delicious, sugar-frosted Bruce.
[Tom.]
"Does this bug you? I'm not touching you.
" "All right, he's dead.
Let's go.
" [Crow.]
"Oil can.
" [Jonah.]
"All quiet on the avalanche front.
" - [grunting.]
- I got her.
Okay.
Easy.
[Crow.]
"By the way, when you were down there", do remember seeing a woman dressed as a kitchen cheerleader and some comically dressed chefs with oversized mustaches and a shelf filled with big bowls of popcorn? "Or did I dream all of that?" Anything? [Tom.]
"I'm having a terrible day.
" Could you try being a little less spooky?" I don't think so.
[Jonah.]
"Ugh, that's the second time today.
" [grunts.]
[Tom.]
"WSNO Radio.
" Can you tell us your thoughts on being buried alive?" [Jonah.]
"This was all my fault.
" I shouldn't have chewed that Dentyne Ice.
" - Hey.
- [Jonah.]
"Hey, lunch is here.
" Let's take a break.
" - [grunts.]
- [Tom.]
So are we supposed to want to get him rescued? He's not a nice man.
Ah.
Over here! [Crow.]
Thanks, Adam Clayton from U2.
[Jonah.]
"Get out of the way, strapping young men.
" Let me show you how a 4'11" figure skater can dig.
" [Tom.]
You're as cold as ice [sirens approaching.]
[Tom.]
You're willing to sacrifice our love You want paradise She's starting to breathe.
- [tires screech.]
- [Jonah.]
Who you gonna call? Snowbusters, guys.
Come on.
We talked about this.
[Crow.]
"Just move the surfboards aside, brah.
" Now, you behave, huh? [Florence.]
Get out of here, McDade.
- It's Henry, God damn it.
- Please, sir.
[Tom.]
"Don't speak to my mother that way.
" - Mom? - I don't want that.
I want a Bloody Mary.
- Put that back on.
- She's all right.
And keep it on.
[Jonah.]
"We're a family again.
" [Caroline.]
You had us scared.
[man.]
Please, let's not crowd the lady.
[Crow.]
Remember when we could laugh about alcoholism? Heh.
Good times.
[Tom.]
Yeah, now this would all be a no-fun intervention to get her into treatment.
Charlie, take me up to the chairlift.
[Jonah.]
"No better time to ski, with nobody else" "on the slopes, huh?" [laughs.]
[Crow.]
"Oh, yeah, that avalanche leaves the best powder.
" I'm so stoked.
I got my gear in the back.
" [siren wailing.]
[Tom.]
"I want to go too!" [Crow.]
"Okay, live bodies to the left.
" Corpse-sicles to the right.
" [Jonah.]
"Now watch.
We'll roll him down the hill", and he'll turn into a giant snowball.
"It's the safest way to get him off the mountain, really.
" [Tom.]
"He looks okay to pick up.
You grab the ankles.
" I'll get the hair.
" [crying.]
He can't be.
[Crow.]
"He promised to buy me a drink later.
" He can't be! [crying.]
[Jonah.]
"She's crying.
That's the money shot.
" - [siren blares.]
- [Crow.]
"Dave's getting all" buddy-buddy with firemen, so let him run the siren.
" [man.]
We'll take the snowcat.
[Jonah.]
"We're gonna take the slow-ped?" [dramatic music.]
[Tom.]
Penalty! Too many men on the ice.
[Crow.]
"Here comes the big one.
Oh, I just slipped.
" I thought it was a heart attack.
Sorry.
" [man.]
Come on! Grab hold! - It's slipping.
- I've got it.
[Jonah.]
Oh, it's commercial sign.
[Max.]
You're watching Avalanche on MST3K.
If you see something, say something.
But when you say something, please don't spray something.
[jazzy music.]
[man.]
Come on, boys! We got no time to lose.
[Tom.]
No time to lose? What is this, the cliché squad? [Crow.]
That's what I'm talking about.
[Tom.]
Let's do this thing! [Crow.]
A stitch in time saves Oh, forget it.
- Move it! - [Tom.]
"Don't rush me.
" I get nervous when people rush me.
" [Jonah.]
"Throw out that safety equipment so there's room for the camera crew.
" [Crow.]
"Doh! My lawn chair!" This has got to run like clockwork, guys.
[Tom.]
"So not like when we drove into that building in town earlier?" Then got it.
" [Jonah.]
Is that two grown men? You and you, start getting the net out.
That's the sound the Morlocks used to lure the Eloi underground.
Virgil, get us as close as you can.
[Tom.]
"I think I can.
" [Jonah.]
Oh, that is two grown men.
[Crow.]
This is the worst Cirque du Soleil show I've ever seen.
[Tom.]
"Start recording so we can figure out what we did wrong later.
" [Jonah.]
"It's a good thing I really love piggyback rides.
" [Tom.]
Nice pom-pom.
- [Crow.]
Not a real camera.
- [Jonah.]
"Boy, it looks like" we got this super fun trampoline all to ourselves.
Too bad we don't have a little boy to share it with.
"It's got a big red spot and it's so bouncy.
" [Crow.]
"Yeah, I heard it's Batman's favorite trampoline.
" [Tom.]
"Now I got to pee.
Seriously?" [Crow.]
"Stay up there, man.
We'll get the pee tarp.
" - I can't hold it! - Just hold on.
No, no, no.
Jason, hold on.
Hold on, sweetheart.
Easy, easy.
Now, listen to me.
Listen to me carefully.
[Jonah.]
Mark sounds like an overly sincere Jerry Lewis.
It's not helping at all.
Okay, now, all we have to do is, you just have to You just have to close your eyes and just jump and they're gonna catch us, all right? I don't want to.
I think that this is gonna be the only way down right now.
- [Tom.]
Might as well jump.
- [Mark.]
Because I'm a little more scared than you are, would it be all right if - if you jumped first? - Yeah.
[Jonah.]
"Pulitzer Prize, here I come.
" I'm gonna come right down after you, okay? - You promise? - Oh, yeah.
Oh, I promise.
- [Tom.]
Jump.
- Okay.
Now just close your eyes and jump.
[Crow.]
"Sorry about the stain.
The last guy bled a lot.
" [Jonah.]
"Cannonball!" [Tom.]
"I did it.
I saved the boy.
You all saw me.
Me!" [Jonah.]
"Brace yourselves, boys.
" The next one's gonna be coming in a little faster.
" The boy is safe! Let go! [Crow.]
"Let go or the boy dies!" [Jonah.]
"Whoa, look at the time.
" Mandatory union 15-minute break, everybody.
"Meet back here after.
You good?" - David! - Just let go! Mark, come on! All right, Jason! - [electricity explodes.]
- [Mark screams.]
[Jonah.]
That's a missed opportunity for a Wilhelm scream right there.
[Crow.]
I can still do it.
He's falling in slow-mo.
- [Jonah.]
Go for it.
- [Crow.]
Thanks.
I will.
[Crow screams.]
[Tom.]
Oh, really? He fell in slow motion, and they still couldn't get the net under him in time? [Jonah.]
Let's not get into semantics about who dropped who, okay? [Crow.]
"I know.
I know.
" The electricity changed his trajectory.
"It's not your fault.
It's not anybody's fault.
" [Jonah.]
Wait, there's a National Ski Patrol? [Tom.]
Sure.
The FBI, the Secret Service, the National Ski Patrol duh.
[Crow.]
"I'm still alive! Oof!" What happened? [man.]
There were late slides all along the route.
We got cut off from the other unit.
We had to turn around, but we sent the plows out from Lastry.
Do you have Mrs.
Shelby in there? No, sir.
She's in the lead unit.
- Do you know if she got through? - When we radioed, they were headed toward this bridge.
- Nick, let's go! - Yeah.
- [tires screech.]
- [Jonah.]
And action cross! [Crow.]
Cut.
You'll never fit in the Jeep, Rock.
Ugh.
[siren wailing.]
[Jonah.]
"Oh, good, they'll have plenty of Band-Aids and fishing tackle.
" [Crow.]
"Just one last hairpin turn before we get to the hospital.
" [Tom.]
They must be delivering their lines telepathically.
[Jonah.]
"Oh, sorry, I'm the intern.
" [Tom.]
This guy's usually a rally driver.
He's all they could get.
[Crow.]
"This is my stop!" [Jonah.]
Wait.
There's a chance that Florence could survive that fall.
[Gypsy.]
Unfortunately, there's so much alcohol in her body, she's basically a human explosive.
- [gasps.]
- [explosion.]
[Crow.]
Yep.
There she goes.
[Tom.]
Even the fire smells like gin.
[Jonah.]
Like a bridge over troubled avalanche [Crow.]
Aah! Oh! Whoo! [dramatic music.]
- Ho! - Oh! [Crow.]
This is when weighing the same amount as a basket of ducklings really works for Mia's advantage.
[Jonah.]
"We're here.
The last guy died, but this will go better; I promise.
" [Tom.]
"Caroline, can you check on Mother?" Hang on, Caroline! [Jonah.]
Michael Cera? [Crow.]
"Don't mind this canary.
" I weigh 250 pounds soaking wet, and I'm full of steaks and bourbon.
[Tom.]
Activate audio animatronic Mia Farrow.
[Jonah.]
"I've got my photography rope.
" [Crow.]
"If I save you, do you promise not to testify against me" in the civil suit that's bound to happen?" David, got a line coming.
[Jonah.]
"Really? I don't see it in my pages.
" [Tom.]
You can tell it's a stunt man because she has weight and dimension.
[Crow.]
"So lunch?" [Jonah.]
"Okay, so the rabbit goes around the tree, and" [Tom.]
"Try and kiss me, and I'll drop us both" into your mother's remains I am serious.
" [Crow.]
It's like fishing.
[Jonah.]
You really got to respect these actors' dedication.
They're really hanging 60 feet in the air over a rocky ravine.
The tension is real for this guy who kind of looks like Rock Hudson and this man who kind of looks like Mia Farrow.
[David.]
That's it.
Now the other arm.
That's right.
Now hang on to the rope.
[Tom.]
"Don't look down at ambulance driver who's on fire.
" [Crow.]
"You know, I was thinking" maybe if I make the whole resort avalanche-themed, "maybe people would like that.
" [Jonah.]
"Don't look at her butt.
Don't make it weird.
" Hey, those are nice boots.
" [Tom.]
"Good thing my photography work gives me Hulk-like strength.
" [grunting.]
[Jonah.]
I realize their lives are being saved, but this is going to cause a second avalanche.
Just saying.
[Crow.]
You know, if I didn't care about these people's safety during the avalanche, I really don't care now.
[Tom.]
"Here.
I'll give you a little boost.
" There you go.
" Here we go.
Keep coming.
Keep coming.
[Crow.]
Thrill as they slowly climb and then fall over.
[Jonah.]
But what of Rock? [Crow.]
Oh, rats.
I thought there would be some poetic justice.
[Tom.]
When Rock beats rock, everyone wins.
[dramatic music.]
[Crow.]
"My mother" who was the same age as I am.
" She died as she lived: completely lit up.
[Tom.]
"Fire bad.
Rock good.
" [Crow.]
"Well, it's been a really big day.
" A lot of lives lost and property destroyed, "but at least I know none of it's my fault.
" [Jonah.]
Oh, thank goodness.
She got away.
Now we can get on with our lives.
[Crow.]
Oh, crap, the movie's starting over.
[Tom.]
"Welcome to Avalanche Lodge.
" [Jonah.]
Oh, no.
Rock turned the disaster into an asset, and now he's more powerful than ever.
He'll never have lunch now! [Crow.]
"Ooh, free olive oil.
" [Tom.]
Did you hear? The movie's starting over.
- Good and chilled.
- [Caroline laughs.]
How is he? He's all right, considering.
He's a fighter.
Yeah.
My God.
Look at this place.
[Tom.]
"You look at it.
I'm bitter.
" Yep.
Take years to reclaim it all.
[Jonah.]
"Even longer to forget it all.
" I'm glad you were here.
[Tom.]
"It's been good for us.
" It was important.
Yeah.
Thanks.
I like you.
[Crow.]
"I know.
I got your note in class.
" Just the way you are.
Take care of yourself, huh? [Crow.]
"See you next avalanche.
" Good-bye, Caroline.
[Jonah.]
"Wherever there's a risk of natural disaster" and photography, I'll be there.
Perhaps some California town suffering wildfires needs some portraiture.
Or a dusty, tornado-prone town in Oklahoma requires some still lifes.
"I'll be there.
" [Tom.]
"Attention, resort guests:" there will be a memorial service with buffet followed by day club pool party at two p.
m.
"in what's left of the pool.
" [Crow.]
"We're calling it chaotic-chic.
" What do you think?" - [Caroline.]
Hi.
- [Jonah.]
"Mother always took" her drinks on ice; believe me, that irony is not lost on me "when reflecting on her untimely death.
" [sighs.]
Hi.
I have nothing to say.
[Crow.]
If they get back together now, I'm gonna kill myself.
Would you like some champagne? Sure.
[Tom.]
"Manic pixie dream girl.
" What shall we drink to? [Jonah.]
"Your comeuppance.
" We survived.
[Crow.]
"At least until the ceiling caves in.
" Yeah.
We survived.
[Tom.]
Try to look on the bright side.
It'll be the '80s soon.
And I always thought survival meant being king of the mountain.
[Jonah.]
"But that was before I got a taste for killing lots of innocent people" and causing mass destruction.
"Now that's the new normal.
" - Well - [Crow.]
Movie gonna be over soon or what? How is this for quiet elegance? Nice view.
[Jonah.]
"I'm being sarcastic", but you can't tell because my face is immobile.
" - Vive Le roi.
- [Jonah.]
"That's French for" 'Thanks for inviting me to your terrible resort, ignoring me all day, killing your mom, "and still being alive at the end of it all.
'" [Crow.]
"It's bubble bath.
Want some?" I do have something to say.
[Tom.]
"Can you give my head shot to Woody Allen?" You know how he'll cast, like, a dinner party scene with eclectic-looking people? I could do that.
You talk to him, right? "Well, probably not.
" I caused all this.
[Jonah.]
"And I forgot to put the seat down.
" I am responsible.
[Caroline.]
You've never said that.
[Crow.]
"Well, there's a good reason for that", because the other times I killed everyone, "I was right.
" David, I love you.
[Jonah.]
"But you suck at resorts.
" [David.]
I know.
A lot.
[Crow.]
More than Previn, less than Sinatra.
Thank you, my friend.
[Jonah.]
Now you've been friend zoned.
I have to go.
[Crow.]
"Before the thawing bodies start to smell.
" Of course you do.
[Tom.]
"Dear TripAdvisor, too much snow.
" Did not appreciate avalanche.
Service staff was all dead.
"Cannot recommend.
" [Crow.]
"Dear TripAdvisor, tried to get room service.
" Chef said kitchen was on fire.
"Not the kind of service I'm accustomed to.
" [Jonah.]
"Dear TripAdvisor, man at disco only knew one song.
" Probably nice for singles but not for families "who want to keep their children alive.
" [Tom.]
"Dear TripAdvisor", vending machines only had Cheez-Its.
"Chairlift electrocution ride not nearly as fun as advertised.
" [Crow.]
"Dear TripAdvisor, found cheerleader in my salad.
" Wait staff refused to help.
One out of five stars.
" [Jonah.]
"Dear TripAdvisor", spent a magical weekend with the owner's mother.
She's a bright, sassy lady.
Seemed to think we were in Hawaii.
Surprisingly good on keyboard.
"Died in a horrible explosion.
Three stars.
" [dramatic music.]
[doors clanking and whirring.]
Ladies and gentlemen, the Satellite of Love presents "Aloha!" an evening of songs and stories from the last of the ice-cold mamas, Florence Gypsy! [applause.]
You can cry wondering why That guy said good-bye But snow gets in your eye You know, ladies and gentlemen, life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are buried in snow.
[laughter.]
I'm here all week.
Yeah.
Snowflakes Falling like the memories How can my heart sing When my tongue's stuck To the flagpole of life? [applause.]
[laughs.]
My first love was my third husband.
I said, "Eskimos have 50 words for snow", but I only have one word for you, "and that's 'divorce.
'" [laughter.]
I said it right to his face.
[laughs.]
[upbeat piano music playing.]
They buried me In snow and ice But I'm here They threw me off a cliff Once or twice But I'm still here Then blew up my ambulance Real nice But I'm Still Here [cheers and applause.]
Listen to those pipes.
Pure PVC.
Call it a comeback? I say she never left! Push the button, Max.
Okay.
[tires squealing.]
[screams.]