Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Return (2017) s01e05 Episode Script

1 Oh, hey, everybody.
It's painting day on the Satellite of Love.
Mine's called "Tom Waits-lifting.
" I'm pretty proud of it.
Servo, what do you got? Oh, I call it "Red and Silver Symphony #1.
" Oh, interesting cubist style, Tom.
What? I was going for realism! I knew something was wrong with my visual systems.
Oh, I'll fix that some other time.
Let's see here, Crow.
You Crow! You have the makings of a true artist.
- Brava, Crow.
- What? - Brava, brava.
- Ah.
That's just a pirate and a turtle.
In the not-too-distant future Mayday, mayday, mayday.
- We need your help.
- Somebody needs my help.
- Next Sunday A.
D.
- Mayday.
Mayday.
There was a guy named Jonah Not too different from you or me He worked at Gizmonic Institute Just another mug in a yellow jumpsuit Hello! Hello! What the heck? A distress call came in for him At half past noon That's when an evil woman trapped him On the dark side of the moon I'll send him cheesy movies - The worst I can find - La-la-la He'll have to sit and watch them all - And we'll monitor his mind - La-la-la Now, keep in mind That Jonah can't control - When the movies begin or end - La-la-la So he'll have to keep his sanity With the help of his robot friends Robot roll call Cambot Gypsy Tom Servo Crow If you're wondering How he eats and breathes - And other science facts - La-la-la Just repeat to yourself, "It's just a show I should really just relax" For Mystery Science Theater 3000 You really think I could be an artist? This could change my whole life! Oh, well, I think the Oh, look! The Monster Squad's calling.
Finger-paint time is over, Gerber Babies! Time for the invention exchange.
What do you got, Heston? How many times has this happened to you? You want to be at a disco, but you're not at a disco.
- Too many times to count.
- Exactly.
Never again, thanks to Disco Cannon.
Turns any room into a disco instantly.
Imagine how much better the Civil War would have been with one of these! What do you think, KC and the Sunshine Man? It's explosively groovy! Oh, just stop trying to fit in.
For generations, the Titanic has been a cautionary tale.
But it did not have to be.
Imagine what might have been different hot water.
Iceberg dead ahead? I don't think so! One.
Zero.
Oh, so thirsty from my morning workout.
I'll just take a sip from this hose.
Oh, God, I burned my throat! Speaking of unspeakable pain, your movie today is part western, part monster movie, and all bad.
Enter the nightmare-fueled world of The Beast of Hollow Mountain.
Kinga, Kinga, I need some water! I need some water.
Thank you, okay.
Oh, God! Again? How did I not remember that? Movie in the hole! Oh, shake your booty! We got movie sign! Ah, movie sign! Ah, movie sign! Ooh, Desilu font.
This is the theme music for a burly, aggressive middle-aged male stripper.
That's impersonal, to name your newborn son "Guy.
" I'll never beast Of Hollow Mountain I pay full price with no discountin' This movie wasn't released.
It escaped! My favorite rapper did the color! Deluxe! "Regiscope.
Filmed by the crowned heads of Europe.
" Oh, I like how the names are in the shape of Mexico.
No, that's one long name.
Carlos Rivas Edward Noriega Julio you get the idea.
Are the ellipses really necessary? Oh, it's just precautionary, keeps birds from flying through the credits.
- Try it.
- Oh, don't mind if I do.
Aah! Yeah, you touch a credit like that, you're not grounded, it's over.
Good thing we happened to be nearby, you know, to watch it.
Hasta Lavista, baby.
Jorge Stahl, author of the harrowing memoir Permanent Medianoche.
So are all these mountains hollow, or are we gonna have to guess which one? Yeah, do we get a prize if we get it right? Or can I accept cash value in lieu of a prize if I don't like the prize? Co-produced with Peliculas Rodriguez, ese.
I'm interpreting this as Ismael Rodriguez directed the movie, but Edward Nassour was in charge of ordering the credits.
Downtown Albuquerque, 1987.
Whenever you're ready, come on over and just start the movie, guys.
No rush.
We are the three amigos I guess this is only three-quarters of an apocalypse.
The good, the bad, and the guy who, let's say, has a great personality.
Oh-ho, looks like someone didn't get the sombrero memo.
"Okay, we're in Frontierland now.
So if we go that way, we'll be in Tomorrowland!" Guys, you can't come with me when I have to pee.
Georgia O'Keeffe's been here! Thanks, Gypsy.
Wow, that is the crappiest sundial.
Tell you what, movie.
Why don't you just let these guys get where they're going and we'll meet you there? Hold it! And synchronized dismount! Looks like there's been a big struggle around here.
"Between a man and a shovel.
" The cattle tracks go all directions.
Sí.
No one has dared to come this far.
Let's turn back.
You're too superstitious, Manuel.
You're afraid of your own shadow.
Not my shadow, Señor.
It's the shadow of that cursed mountain.
"It plays spooky music when you look at it!" All right, you stay here with the horses.
Felipe, you follow those tracks.
I'm gonna take off this way.
First, why not help Felipe with his chin strap? Poor dope.
"Okay, coast is clear now, ponies.
You can turn back into beautiful women now.
" I am a lineman for the Pueblo "Gonna lasso me some varmints, then have me some after-dinner mints.
" Say what you want, he finally figured out how his hat works.
"Establishing Shot: The Motion Picture!" Judging by the sound effects, they're either in Mexico or the Congo.
"Rope for sale! Who needs rope? Ice cold rope!" "Should I follow the baying of the demon hounds, or Well, nothing else scheduled for the day.
" Oh, man, that hat is just begging to be filled with salsa.
Uh, buddy, your chin thing is up again.
This is one really low-energy game of hide-and-seek.
Nice Beetlejuice pants! Spring break! Plucky sidekick or monster's first victim? Only the movie knows for sure.
Let's watch.
"Tijuana's famous Guacamole Reservoir.
" "Cowboys carefully inspect every boulder they find.
It's the cowboy code.
Each rock is precious.
" "Don't lose hope, Jimmy.
We'll find your class ring!" "Oh, for crying out loud.
Damn yuppies with their dogs.
Where's a stick?" "Whoa, it's hollow!" Jimmy! Manuel! "Ice cream man! Ice cream man!" Manuel! "Watch the horses, huh? Now I'm the hero!" First, master the chin strap.
Then you can throw a lasso.
"If I'm dying, rock, I'm taking you with me!" Why is it never slow-sand, only quicksand? You know, this boulder's already my favorite character.
Jim Dandy to the rescue - "I'm free!" - "Rope, I told you to get help!" "Oh, for crying out loud! I stepped in it too.
" "Sorry, I meant to warn you.
" This situation honestly comes up, like, seven times a day in the Old West.
"I'll have to save him the only way I know how: with my hinder.
" This seems like such a convoluted way to hang someone.
"Come on, power-butt!" "I found the clog in the septic tank!" The origin of CrossFit training.
Hey, Jonah, is this birth? "Okay, Felipe, pretty sure you're on solid ground now.
You can probably just stand up.
Seriously.
" "Aw, come on, pull me all the way home!" You all right? I think so.
That was a close one.
The holy hand of the good God saved you, Don Felipe.
Give Jimmy's lariat a little credit too, will you? - Give me a hand to brush off.
- Sure.
"Hey, come on, not so much focus on my butt.
" Oh, they're putting in a jungle cruise back there.
"Uh, you guys lose a Ghostbusters demon dog?" Felipe, come here! "Hey, HR said you can't yell at me like that anymore.
" "I won!" - Take a look at that.
- I told you! The curse of that mountain attacked him! - Don't be a fool.
- Somebody's pretty smart.
That steer was forced into that quicksand.
Why? To make us believe that's where all our missing cattle have disappeared.
You're right.
Rustlers.
Just what I figured.
And I know who to pin this one on! - Now, take it easy, Felipe.
- Enrique Rios! Who else would have riders in this country? Start thinking with your head instead of your gun.
I'll go into town and have a talk with the alcalde.
He'll give us some straight answers.
I don't think you'll get anywhere with him, Jimmy.
Well, we'll see.
You had better go to the el rancho and dry out.
- Hasta luego.
- Hasta luego.
Jimmy's not exactly what you'd call a fluent Spanish speaker.
- I'm a cowboy - Cowboy On an actual horse I ride And I'm wanted, Beast of Hollow Mountain "Stephen King's Children of the Maize.
" - Buenos días.
- Buenos días.
You just know those walls are gonna get Banksy'ed.
"Kill the masters!" "Boys will be boys.
" An American cowboy living in Mexico with his cool buddy Felipe, some ropes, some quicksand, and a yet-to-be-seen beast of Hollow Mountain.
You're watching MST3K: Moon 13, The Moon.
It really is a one-horse town if you don't count that other horse.
And all the horses down the street.
But sure, a one-horse town.
Whatever.
Well, that movie's over.
Time to start another one.
Oh, that's so thoughtful.
The cantina leaves a rock for your child to sit on while you're in the bar drinking.
Oh, way better than sitting in a car listening to the radio.
"Kick me out of the cantina? Greedo shot first! You all saw it.
" "I told you we'd have fun on your birthday!" You're not mad at me, are you? "Oh, Father, I stopped getting mad a long time ago.
" Your father is not a drunkard.
He drinks to forget your mommy, who is in heaven.
So this is what became of the most interesting man in the world.
Mm.
I think I better go back there and forget her for another little while.
No, Papa! Let's go home now.
The horse, he is tired.
Oh, the horse is tired.
But not little Panchito.
"Did I leave my debit card back in there?" Okay, sonny.
Let's go.
"Whoa, not without a breathalyzer, Wilbur!" Well, if there's anything that spells "comic relief" like an alcoholic single father mourning his dead wife, I can't think of it.
"Giddyap to the White Castle drive-through!" Jim Henson's Magnum P.
I.
Babies! "My spine!" "To the safe house!" The amazing thing is, this wasn't even in the script.
It just happened, and they let the cameras roll.
Papa! "My hero, potentially!" "Parkour!" When Cavalia goes wrong.
"I'd help, but you've got it!" Panchito! "Get his wallet!" Are you hurt badly? I don't think so, Señor.
Papacito! Don't worry, son.
He's only shaken up a bit.
"The booze saved his life.
" You know that's the way I get off the horse.
"He's right.
Call off the intervention.
Everything's fine.
" "I brought the huge asparagus!" What happened, Pancho? Nothing.
Nothing? Why did you leave the house? Uh, Señorita Sarita it was like this oh It's always like this.
Always tequila! Never a thought for your son.
Panchito, take your father back to the house.
Sí, Señorita.
Come on, Papa.
Mexican child services is hot! And see that he stays there! Sí, Señorita.
"I have booze at home.
" - Thank you, Señor.
- That's all right, amigo.
"That means 'friend.
' I know that much!" I'm fitting in pretty good in this town.
" Oh, say can you see By the dawn's early light Thank you very much, Señor Jimmy.
You saved his life.
He'd better be more careful.
Next time, he might not be so lucky.
- Does he work for you? - Yes.
"My business manager.
" He's been drinking ever since his wife died.
I feel the little boy is my responsibility.
Oh, I understand.
- I, uh - "Duhh.
" was on my way to see your father.
Oh, he's at the house.
I'll walk there with you.
Well, thank you.
"Is it okay with you if my horse comes along as my wingman? Ach, gah, I didn't mean to say wingman! That seminar was a complete waste of money!" "Let me try again.
I wish that was you I was saving from being dragged by a horse.
Not that I want you to be dragged by a horse! Oh, gol!" Kind of early in the movie to ride off into the sunset, but okay.
Oh! "When in Mexico, see the invisible birds.
" "Oh, so then George and Jerry are the only ones left in the contest, and you think George is gonna lose.
But he wins! Though in the series finale, he admits he cheated.
Anyway, it truly was must-see TV.
" Mexican Vincent Price? Yeah, he's drinking a pitcher of blood.
Take these to my room, Margarita.
- Sí, Señorita.
- Gracias.
- Buenos días.
- Buenos días.
Welcome, Señor.
This is a pleasant surprise.
- Well, thank you.
- Uh-huh.
I will leave you to talk.
Excuse me, Señor.
Certainly.
"So are we done greeting each other or" - Sit down.
Sit down.
- Gracias.
"How about we both sit down?" It's been a long time since you have honored my house.
Well, I've been busy putting a string of cattle together, Don Pedro.
Mm-hmm.
I have heard of your success.
- "It's trending.
" - Up till now, yes.
But three times during the last month, we've had cattle either lost or stolen.
- Thank you.
- Stolen? - Sí.
- "Which means 'yes.
'" Of all the cattle missing, we've only found one, drowned in the swamps.
"Like the cast of Duck Dynasty.
" Well, maybe that's your answer.
That swamp is a very mysterious and sinister place.
I don't buy those superstitions, Don Pedro.
I'm looking for a factual answer.
Steers don't jump in the swamps.
"This was a mob hit.
" "Where's the rest of my band? There's a subway full of people whose morning needs ruining!" - Margarita.
- "Sure!" - Don Enrique.
- Is it true that Americano and Sarita came here together? Sí, Señor.
Down there! "On the very day I was going to ask for her hand in mariachi-age!" If he were as cool as he thinks he is, he'd slide down that banister.
No matter what happens when he gets there, he's getting a good workout in.
That's heart-happy and hat-healthy.
The drought is shrinking the swamp again this year, from what the natives tell me.
- I know.
I've been there.
- "Girlfriend.
" Whenever that happens, there are always strange tales of men and animals disappearing.
Speaking of disappearing "Has anyone seen my accent?" why don't you disappear back to Texas where you came from? "I'm from Connecticut!" Enrique! Jimmy is a guest! Forgive me.
But he is also unwelcome.
"It's a real catch veintidós.
" You were warned not to try ranching here when you first came south with that crazy Felipe.
- And now you're trying to - Basta, amigo.
I don't want any trouble with you, but as I told you before, Felipe and I own that land.
Ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong.
We're gonna continue to run cattle or raise horseradish or anything else we want to without any advice from you.
And undersell me and every rancher in the country? We sell our cattle at the government price.
"Dollar a cow.
" Leave the black market and the running brand to the likes of you.
- Are you calling me a crook? - Gentlemen! - You are in my house! - "Take it where it belongs.
- To the Super Smash Bros.
Arena!" - Sorry, Don Pedro.
"As an offering, I will name a chain of Mexican restaurants after you.
" "Why do you do this every time I try to make new friends? Isn't it bad enough I'm reduced to wearing a shoelace for a tie? Ay caramba!" Klezmer music? Why? "Guests of beast of Hollow Mountain stay at the lovely Rancho Bonito!" "Rancho Bonito.
That's Spanish for 'Ranch Bonito.
'" Time for his walk of shame.
"Just got to stretch before I finish buttoning my shirt.
You understand.
" Ooh, the petting zoo is open.
I guess Rancho Bonito is Spanish for "Ultimate Bachelor Pad.
" Manuel! Jorge! Jose! "You guys go to the ice rink without me?" "I didn't kill them in my sleep again, did I?" "I gotta stop ordering those scorpion bowls.
" Oh, no, a "Dear Juan" letter.
"How can they shut off my water? I don't even have water.
" - Felipe! - Coming! "Get over here!" We interrupted his Lando Calrissian cosplay.
- What is it? - The men are gone.
- What? Without a word? - Oh, they left a few.
"And some emojis.
" "The curse of the Hollow Mountain is reaching out again.
- We quit.
" - Bah! Superstitious fools! Yeah, somebody sure put the fear of something in them.
What'll we do? We can't run the ranch without help.
That's what our friends figured.
"And they were right.
" I'll ride to the village at the other end of the valley.
There maybe we can find someone who'll work for us.
Now what? Buenos días, Señor Jimmy.
Buenos días, Don Felipe.
- Oh, they rehearsed that.
- Buenos días.
What are you doing here? - I'm milking the cow.
- And I am feeding the ducks.
"That's a bull and those are pigeons.
" Come here! "Wait, we were just having a conversation.
We matched each other's tone.
And then you whistle at us like animals? Granted, I've got problems, but I'm a human being.
And in front of my son?" How long have you been here? - Before the sun came up.
- Uh, yes, yes.
When all your men were going away! You will need us now, me and Panchito.
- "Fresh fish.
" - No one else to do the work! - Come on, Papa! - "We take Venmo.
" Now, wait a minute! Don't we get the job? No, Pancho.
You drink too much.
"And on top of that, you smell like a shoe full of rotten eggs.
" How about me? "We can ditch the old man!" - No, you're too small.
- No, I am already seven.
And I will never have another drink.
Yes, he promised me.
And I will be responsible for my father.
- "I'm his sponsor.
" - Well, that's different.
If Señor Panchito will be responsible for Señor Pancho, I think we might give 'em a chance.
- No! - Well, why not? If Panchito backs up his father and I back up Panchito and you back me up, how can we lose? So many ways.
A kid and a tequila hound to help run the ranch.
Tuesdays on TLC! Now I'm ready for the bug house.
- Thank you, Señor Jimmy! - Thank you, Señor Jimmy! All right, Panchos! All right! Back to work! - Sure! Sure! - "No touching.
" "That insurance money is as good as mine.
" You know, the toughest part about building your own space suit is the wrist bearings.
I'll probably just end up 3-D printing this in bronze and brass and then just machine it out old-school, you know, just to get the tolerance right.
Okay, bored now.
Jonah, why do monster movies waste so much time with the humans before getting to the sweet monsters? Oh, suspense, plot, character development for increased emotional stakes.
Very funny, Jonah.
We're serious here.
Well, why don't you guys come up with your own monster movie, then? Yeah! Too often, monster movies are long on explosions and short on feelings.
Mine would be a hard-hitting drama: Monster In Search Of a Victim.
About a lonely monster roaming the country in his old used Dodge.
And he's got a lot of problems to make him relatable, like, he's radioactive, so intimacy is an issue.
Huh, wow.
Sounds artistic.
Oh, for sure.
I see long sleeping sequences, the camera panning over the monster's body like a sort of foreign landscape.
Ah, should really wow 'em on the festival circuit.
My monster movie is more for a mainstream audience.
A wacky comedy about growing up when you're already 200 feet tall.
Bro-Zilla! Ugh, sounds like a real crowd-pleaser.
- Yeah, it does.
- Yeah! Check your brain at the door and have a good time! There's a scene with the whole monster family cracking jokes, and they're all played by Eddie Murphy.
- I love Eddie Murphy.
- Yeah, he's talented.
The whole thing ends in a city-wide party with lots of tasteful above-waist nudity, set to the tune of a good-time pop anthem! Bro-Zilla will be the hit of the summer, creating synergy with and between all of our corporate subsidiaries! - Next stop? Sequel, baby! - Oh, wow! Oh, Tom, how does your movie end? Oh, you know, typical ending.
He gets disfigured in an industrial accident and takes his own life.
- Doy.
- Wow.
Uh wow, that's really depressing, Tom.
That's the point.
Um, I'm just gonna call in my own movie sign.
Please.
Oh, guys, we got movie sign, come on! It's movie sign! Ah, clear blue skies.
The hallmark of every good monster movie.
"What.
A.
Dump.
" What is she looking around? Who cranes their neck to see the wide-open spaces? Wait, is that the Hollow Mountain? No, it's just a hollow mountain.
Ooh, from the Dixie Chicks line.
Everything all right, Panchos? No, Señor.
We're still missing four.
Yes.
"Come on, Future-Glue!" She rode a lady saddle I'll ride up on that hill and see if I can spot 'em.
"We'll continue doing nothing.
" Jimmy! "Did I just hear someone say my name in post?" "Watch out for snakes!" Buenos días, Señorita.
This is a surprise.
What brings you out here? Pancho and Panchito.
Why are they here? They're helping me with the herd.
Why? You may not be able to get people to work for you, Señor, but that is no reason to steal them from our house.
- What? - "What?" Just because you saved Pancho's life, that does not obligate you.
Señorita, I believe you're under the wrong impression Look, you know that Pancho is completely irresponsible, and the little boy, his place is in my house and not on your ranch.
- Finished or just out of breath? - "He got you, ma'am!" - I'm finished.
- Panchos.
Yes, Señor.
Tell the young lady how you happen to be here.
- "Manifest destiny, sir?" - Uh, came here? Uh, we came here and asked for the job.
- Yes.
- That's enough, thank you.
Buenos días, Señorita.
He hired a seven-year-old to do manual labor, but he still takes the high moral ground.
Buenos días, Señorita.
Go and get your things.
You are both coming with me.
Leave here, Señorita? Let me ask my consigliere.
Oh, no.
Señor Jimmy needs us.
He has no one.
And you saw what he did for me yesterday.
- Pancho! - Everyone's so bossy.
Well, of course, if you insist, we'll go.
We'll go right away.
But we come back quick.
Well, you can stay.
But Panchito comes with me.
Oh, no, Señorita.
I cannot either.
"Excuse me.
" - Why not? - I promised Señor Jimmy! I give my word to him to be responsible for my father.
To be what? So Papa will not go to the cantina.
You know.
"That's not how you pantomime a phone.
" Uh, maybe if you tell the men who left the ranch to come back here, we go, eh? What men? The men who work here.
Somebody told them something bad would happen to them if they would not leave.
And he gave them some money too! But he told them to say it was the mountain they were afraid of.
That eyebrow's working overtime.
I do not believe it.
Oh, yes, Señorita! We were here! We heard everything! Moo! "Panchito, I'll be proud if you grow up to be half the comic relief I am.
" And the beast in the hollow With the silver mountain Little boy Panchito, We'll just keep going "Hello, I'm Johnny Mountain.
More from me later, but now to Steve with the weather.
Steve?" "Invisible Man on a horse, have you seen Jimmy?" "Actually I'm just a horse, but I get that a lot.
" That's a lot of suspenseful music for two horses and a stick.
Ooh, another one of Sarita's trademark "looking around" shots.
"Hey, Moses, get down here! I gotta talk to you!" "You two play nice.
Mommy will be back in 20 minutes.
" Born beast, As beast as a mountain "Soon this will all be a parking lot.
" Oh, boy, look at all those pre-burgers! "Oh, my belt's too tight.
" Oh, so you weren't finished after all.
I'm sorry, Señor.
I was mistaken about Pancho and Panchito.
I hope you are not offended.
Oh, I make it a rule never to be offended at a pretty girl.
"Unless she talks when she eats.
" - Then we are friends again? - You bet.
- Thank you.
- "Pardon me.
" I wish that you could also be friends with Enrique Rios.
I don't think he wants me as a friend.
"He wants to be more than friends.
" I think you have a wrong opinion of him.
- You think so? - Yes.
He is a very fine man.
You do not know him.
My father and I, we owe everything to him.
Gratitude is not love, Sarita.
"You like that? I just made that up.
" We are going to be married in two weeks.
Yes, I know.
Same day as the fiesta in the pueblo.
"Hey, you got a date for that, or oh, right.
" Congratulations.
"Are you still here?" - It's late.
- "Elbow touch and release.
" I had better go.
- I'll walk you to your horse.
- Thank you.
"So this marriage vows thing, how flexible are you on that?" "Ahh, thank you, Zyrtec!" - Oh! - What is it? - My horse is gone! - And she just paid it off! She's probably home by now.
She's always running away.
Well, don't worry about it.
You can take mine.
- I'll pick him up later.
- "You can drive stick, right?" No, I couldn't do that.
- Well, I insist.
- No! "I'll call an Uber.
" All right.
We'll compromise.
Either we both walk, or we both ride.
"Here, I'll ride on the horse and you ride on my shoulders, and maybe the horse rides on top.
" "Visit scenic whatever this place" is! Meanwhile, Pancho's been dragged around for the last half hour by another horse.
This will be far enough.
Thank you, Jimmy.
- I'll take you home.
- Oh, no.
It's only a little way.
This is fine.
"Just drop me a block from school, Dad.
You're embarrassing me.
" They're looking through the script to make sure there's actually a beast in this movie.
Mexican Walt Disney is pissed.
All this fuss over a horchata stand? I don't get it.
I had the beast Of Hollow Mountain "Guys, keep it down.
I can't hear their wooing.
" My spurs, please? "Swing and a miss.
Well, you can't hit a home run without picking up the bat.
" Thank you.
"Be sure to check me out on Linkedln.
" Hey, Jimmy! There's a telegram for you at the office.
- Want to come with me? - Sí! "Here's your check.
Come back anytime! Tuesday is Mexican Louis Armstrong impression night.
" "What's with all this Kool-Aid? Prepping for the Juans-town Massacre, chi-chi?" Someone just got front-row tickets to ZZ Top.
- Gracias.
- "Hi, camera!" Funny, he didn't seem that far away before.
It's a letter from the beast saying he's gonna be late.
"Stand still.
There's a bee on you!" "I came here to kick butt and chew bubblegum, and bubblegum hasn't been invented yet.
" Guest director Sam Raimi.
"You're not the only one with a bullet squeezer!" "I never realized your eyes were so beautiful.
" "That hurt my feelings and my butt.
" I'm gonna find out what kind of an hombre you really are.
Unbuckle your gun belt.
"And then the pants real slow.
Slower.
" Come on! "I'll do it too, if it makes you more comfortable.
" - All right.
Get up! - "Sweep the leg, Johnny!" "They hate these tables! Everybody, stay away from these tables!" What if they decide they like this so much, they don't even need Sarita? "Body blow! Body blow! Uppercut! And he's down for the count.
" This is a lot like the time I fought Tommy Karubi.
He said he was better at pogs than me, and I begged to differ with my fists.
So I lost and they kicked me out of school.
For starting a fight? No, no, no, for losing the fight.
It was a tough school, I tell ya! Aw, he crushed Waldo! "Strike!" "My Etsy products!" It's the eye of the beast It's the thrill of the mountain "Catch me, Daddy!" I guess the fight ends when they run out of tables to crash into? "Put 'em up, put 'em up.
" Can you just stay down so we can cut to the next scene? - Gymkata! - "Yoga break.
Downward dog.
Back to the fight.
" "For the last time Coldplay! Isn't! That! Bad!" The town hasn't seen this much excitement since the morning street brawl.
"Sorry, I don't do pot!" If that vase had hit him, he'd be "Clay Achin'.
" More like Coyote Clumsy.
Whoa, happy hour starts now! One could argue this town is in desperate need of a movie theater.
Yeah, they're lining up to buy the new "ay-yi-yi" phone.
The two guys are going to burst out having combined into one giant man.
A bloodied Luke Perry.
The excitement of the fight is over.
The townspeople return to their major industry: milling about.
"First I win a fight and now I find a treasure map? Today everything's coming up Jimmy.
" "D-Dear Jim Jim.
" I-I'm I'm my" Who's got two thumbs and can hold a telegram? This Guy Madison.
"They met my price! One dollar per cow! I'm gonna be rich!" Ahh, the dark! I'm scared! The invention exchange is considered a greeting among the alumni, faculty, and students of Gizmonic Institute, like saying, "Hello," but with stuff.
You're watching MST3K: Moon 13, The Moon.
This is a peaceful town, Señor.
We don't like streets fights.
I don't like street fights either, but when someone comes up and lands one in your chin, you're gonna fight back.
- Steak? - Thank you.
- I know.
- "I'm too old to dress this way.
" Enrique is too hot-tempered, but I'm here on his behalf.
Anything Enrique Rios has to say, he can come and say himself.
Not in his condition.
- Coffee? - "It's pour-over.
" - No, thank you.
- What does he want? - To apologize? - No.
"He wants to start a podcast with you.
" He wants to buy your ranch.
"He has reason to believe there's a rich vein of dressing underneath.
" He wants to buy our ranch? And buy it before you make your cattle shipment.
Oh, so you heard about that too.
The telegraph operator is Enrique's cousin.
"We all are.
It's a small town.
" What's the matter? Rios is afraid of losing a customer? Frankly, yes.
He's willing to pay you a fair price.
And if we don't sell? "Then he'll offer you a fairer price.
" This is not a threat, but Enrique has great influence and many friends here.
It will not be pleasant for you.
"Have you seen Mean Girls? It'll be like that.
" Well, what do you think, Felipe? You have a better eye for business than I have.
- "And fashion.
" - You decide.
But the eye isn't in any too good a condition at the present moment.
I guess not.
Well, if it was up to me, you know what I'd say.
There's your answer, Don Pedro.
"Jeff Goldblum says we keep the ranch!" I'm sorry.
"You'll smell why in a second.
" I had hoped you would accept and there would be no more friction.
If you should change your mind before you make that shipment - We won't, Don Pedro.
- Hasta luego.
So are they both eight feet tall, or is he three feet tall? And what about the horse? Good-bye.
"Boy, he left in a hurry.
Must be a sale at Marshalls.
" I knew Enrique wanted to run us out.
We all knew that.
At least this time, he offered money.
Echo, echo, echo, echo.
What am I supposed to think when I see my fiancée in the arms of another man? If I were interested in another man, I surely would not ride with him into the center of the plaza where everyone could see us! But they did see! What they saw was the very little trust that you have in me! Fighting in the street! Just because the Americano was gentleman enough to ride me home when my horse ran away! - Ooh.
- It is only only because I love you so much.
- I can't bear the thought of - "Haggis.
Ugh.
" Sarita.
Forgive me.
When a man is in love, he is not not himself.
He is another, stupider man.
You have no reason to ever doubt me or to be jealous.
She said unconvincingly.
There's no one else.
You know that.
If there were, would I marry you? "I mean, look at you.
" But this Americano! I saw the way he looked at you! Enrique, please! Forget about the Americano! - He does not hurt anyone! - "Except you, of course.
" And for my sake, you ought to be friends with him.
Are those seashells on his jacket? I think you mean "yes" shells.
Enrique.
"But he hurt my widdle hand!" I do not want to start our marriage with distrust.
I want us to be happy.
"Your mustache looks so much worse up close.
" - That is all I want.
- "And the power to fly.
" - Believe me.
- "I've got carpal tunnel.
" You know, I've been through the desert On a beast with no mountain Who lives in that house? Nobody.
It's the abandoned house.
The owner disappeared when the swamp started to dry.
Disappeared? Well, yes, superstitious people say that the bewitched mountain swallowed him.
Do you believe that? Me? No, Señor.
I think he was drowned in the swamp.
"So it's kind of a fixer-upper, not much curb appeal.
And truth be told, it's dangerously haunted.
" "Hello, Yellow King? Buffalo Bill? Jigsaw? Think we're clear.
" "Hey, ask for Flicka!" Well, it's abandoned, all right.
- Yeah.
- This way, Señor.
"I set up the bouncy house.
" You mind the horses, Panchito.
Sí, Papa.
"Maybe while you guys are out looking around, see if you can find a beast for our movie!" On further reflection, they probably could have ridden their horses that extra 100 feet.
Ah! Stop doing that! He could've just as easily left a sign.
- "Killed by Enrique Rios.
" - Right.
Maybe they've hidden the cattle back in that hollow mountain.
The swamp is full of quicksand.
Nobody could get through.
There must be a path through there, and I'm going to find it! "Godspeed, Pancho, whatever.
" Hold it, Pancho.
We're shorthanded enough without you getting lost in the swamp.
But, Señor! You're not going in, and that's final! "Now go clean your room!" We're gonna get some men around here with guns, even if we have to pay 'em double.
- With what? - A loan from the bank.
"Subprime.
Real good stuff.
" - Could be.
- Hey, Pancho! What do you think you're doin'? I'm just lookin', Señor.
Vámonos! Don't help him up.
He has to learn on his own.
"Oh, I wish I was not the comic relief for this monster movie.
It's hell on my pantalones.
" - Wow, Machu Picchu! - Machu Picchu is in Peru.
Huh, so they filmed this movie in Peru? Would you just ohh.
"Hey, why are you on a horse and I'm in this little kiddy-cart?" - Buenos días.
- Hello there.
"Okay gang, let's shun them, just like we practiced.
" - "Shunning!" - "We're shunning you.
- Shun, shun, shunning you.
" - "Shunning you.
" "You think that had anything to do with my fight smashing all their livelihoods?" - Adios, Pepe! - "Up yours.
" Looks like they think we've got the plague.
- That's right.
- "'Cause we do.
" She's shopping at Forever 1821.
"Just picking up some bacon from the dress stand.
" Hey, eyes on the road.
"Taxi!" "Oh, no, quick, don't make eye contact! Pretend you don't see her!" "Tap, tap, tap.
Is this thing on?" - She must be waving at us.
- Yeah.
Young Betty Crocker on her semester abroad.
"Well, let's take our medicine.
" - Buenos días.
- Buenos días, Sarita.
Didn't you recognize me? I thought you didn't want to be recognized.
Last time we were seen together - "Turned into a summer slam.
" - caused a little trouble.
"I don't remember that.
" I'm sorry for what happened.
I've spoken to Enrique.
And there will be no more misunderstandings.
That's all right with me.
"They set up a fruit stand.
Mind if I take a moment and slam myself into that?" I do want us to be friends.
"Don Pedro, why are you dressed like a toddler?" Don Pedro.
"Not to tempt you, but I see an even bigger hat down there.
" Adios.
Adios, Señorita.
"And a very sensual adios to you, Jimmy Jam, my jam man.
" I don't like the way the Americano looks at her.
You're just imagining things.
Don't worry! I'm not worried.
I think he'll be leaving us soon.
"Oh, you're bad.
" "Well, off to change my outfit.
Guess what I'll be sporting later!" Jorge! Carlos! - Yes, sir.
- Mexican Adrian Brody? It's all so smashable! Every character needs a chin strap fitting.
- Good morning - Hello.
Here's a list of what we want.
"Hmm, seems like a lot of Chipwiches.
" I'm sorry, but you have to pay cash.
- What? - What? I guess that only applies to us.
I'm sorry, Señor.
All right, then we'll pay cash.
But, Jimmy, that's all the money we have! We need it! Get what we need.
I'll meet you at the bank later.
"Buy some normal pants.
" - I don't care how you do it.
- Very progressive.
- But do it.
- Sí, Señor.
Going to the chapel And we're gonna get married But before that, the thrilling "bank loan application" scene! Hello, style mavens! Tom Servo here, presenting my new fall line, "The Style of Hollow Mountain.
" Crow has a sunny summer-south-of-the-border ensemble.
You'll literally show them who's boss in your extremely high-riding cummerbund.
But those permanent quicksand stains show you can get down and dirty.
Are you a Mexican laborer? A Mexican millionaire? A Mexican child? Put on a straw sombrero! The only hat that says, "I'm a 1950s Mexican stereotype, and so is my hat!" Chin strap guaranteed too short.
Love it.
Gypsy's sophisticated gown is a look as old as time.
Never out of style because it's never been in style.
Is she too old to wear pigtails? She'll never tell! Love it.
And Jonah's stepping out in the all-new Jimmy shirt.
The only shirt with only one button.
Truly the height of fasten.
And check out those over-striped pants.
Vertical, horizontal, diagonal.
Every stripe of stripe is there.
Stripes are in.
Stripes for the win.
Hate it.
The Style of Hollow Mountain.
Available wherever very expensive clothes based on very cheap movies are sold.
Movie sign! My goodness! Gott in Himmel! Gott in Himmel! "Now that I've had my pedicure, time to get back to the herd.
" "Wha huh?" - Any luck? - No.
Well, at least we won't starve.
And I found a couple of boys to work for us.
- Psst! - "Felipe, don't psst at the help.
" And they're willing to work until after their shipment for their double pay.
"Well, they're clearly evil, but okay.
" All right, let's go.
"Sorry, Bojack.
" "So do we double-cross him now?" "No, stupid, we wait until we get back to his ranch.
" "Oh, right, sorry, that's why you're the smart one.
" "What are you guys talking about back there?" "Nothing! Just plotting and scheming, boss.
" "Okay!" Oh, say can you see By the dawn, doo-doo-doo Skulking-wear by Marc Jacobs.
Just because you don't want to be seen doesn't mean you can't look good.
Pretty sad excuse for a Cinco de Mayo parade.
"Be vewy, vewy quiet.
We're hunting booze.
" - Shh! Another case where the shushing is louder than the original noise.
Notallshush.
Don't forget, boys.
Keep the cattle away from the swamp.
- Yes, sir.
- We will.
"Keep the cattle away from the swamp?" - Was that a euphemism? - No idea.
Oh, look, he sent in the box tops for the Winnie the Pooh honey jar mug! His whole life is coffee, kerchiefs, and striped pants.
- Poor little thing.
- Oh, it's not doing so bad.
Lost its mother but found a sweet, loving father.
- Wow, a capybara! - And a nurse.
Here.
Make some more formula.
Okay, Pop.
"Lucky for you, I'm lactating.
" "I'm a secret ninja.
Smoke bomb!" "Psst, your lines!" - What's this? - "You've been served!" - Hey! Hey, come back! - "Where's my hug?" "Letter delivered by Ponyboy Express.
It just says, 'Stay Gold.
'" "J-Jim muh my mother juh" Felipe! Be back in a little while! "Oh, man, I gotta drop some beasts off at the pool.
" "Oof, you've got to lay off the Lunchables.
" "Papa, I thought you said we were going to the Chuck E.
Cheese.
" "It's not Chuck E.
Cheese, but there are mice here.
" "Your great aunt's will says we need to spend a night in this house to inherit her fortune.
" "Hats off to you, fireball in the sky!" Come here, Panchito.
"The story of Abraham and Isaac as you've never seen it told before! Gritty! Real! Relevant!" - See that shadow there? - Sí, Papa.
Look, if I'm not back by the time that shadow hits this rock, you go back to the ranch and tell Señor Jimmy where I have gone.
- Understand? - Sí, Papa.
All right.
You wait for me here, huh? "And don't move the rock.
You'll disrupt the entire system.
" But the mountain will swallow you! You shouldn't believe those lies.
Don't go, Papa.
Please! "Kids, am I right?" - You love Señor Jimmy? - Yes.
Then we must help him find his lost cattle.
All right.
Remember, if I'm not back by the time that shadow hits the rock I know.
I am to go and tell Señor Jimmy.
Okay.
- Papa! - "Don't preach!" "If I die, turn my pants into a circus tent.
Not one of those snooty cirque shows.
A real Mexican circus with werewolf children.
" There goes a brave, stupid, probably drunk man.
"Better go change my Facebook status to 'orphan.
'" Time for Panchito to booby-trap the house in case the Wet Bandits show up.
"Looks like it's just you and me, house.
" "Get out!" "Now to start my career as a lawn ornament.
" Rad, they got the Blue Oyster Cult symbol in the movie! Ten years to the day, Panchito visits his father's grave.
Wow, their graveyards are fun! I hope he's not going to ride his horse in there.
That seems insensitive.
"Just check my gun in case any ghouls come at me.
- Yup, silver bullets.
" - So this is dating? A girl asks you to meet her in a cemetery fully armed? Oh, man, Jimmy! This is a sacred place! You're riding on an animal that eats 20 pounds of hay a day and has no control of its bowels.
Do the math! I'm turning this off! You can't, we tried that.
Yeah, we're made out of those special parts.
"I didn't realize I'd killed so many people over the years.
I guess it's like Pringles.
Once you pop, you can't stop.
" Zombie! - Shoot her! Act! Don't think! - Jimmy.
"I almost killed you.
" - Ah, Sarita! - Jimmy.
You did come! You did get my message! Oh, I got it, all right, but I wasn't sure it was from you.
Why not? Well, I thought maybe somebody had a hole all dug for me and wanted to save themselves the trouble of cartin' me over.
"And the handwriting was super butch.
" Oh, don't say that.
Well, a date in a graveyard makes a guy wonder.
- Unless it's Tim Burton.
- Yes.
"They're coming to get you, Barb I mean Sarita!" - Jimmy? - Yes? "Have you ever made out on a grave?" Forgive me.
It was the only place I could think of that we would not be seen.
"You know, because of the thick cloud of tormented spirits.
" - Please, sit down.
- "Grave - sitting? You are so punk.
" - Here? - It's all right.
It's my Aunt Maria's.
Well, don't you think she'd mind? Oh, no.
She loved me very much.
Well, if she doesn't mind, I don't.
"I mind! Get this gringo off me!" I had to see you.
I had to talk to you.
But first, will you answer me one question? Anything.
"Who let the dogs out? Who, who?" You were made a good offer for your ranch.
Why didn't you accept? Did someone send you here to talk to me? - Oh, no.
Of course not.
- Then what do you It's just well, there are a lot of other ranches.
You could find a better one somewhere else.
You want to get rid of me too, huh? - No! - "Well, kinda.
" You know that isn't true.
Trust her.
She's your enemy's fiancée.
It's just you've had so much trouble.
"Right here in River City.
" Sarita, I'm not one to run away from trouble.
I know.
I know, Jimmy.
I know how much your pride means to you.
And I also know you are not a coward in any sense.
"Other than your irrational fear of piñatas.
" There's only one way this can end.
"With your princess in another castle.
" I'm getting married tomorrow.
I do not want to be a widow or the wife of a murderer on my wedding day.
"I want to marry someone cool, like a lion tamer.
" Please don't stay, Jimmy.
Please.
"I'm not wanted, am I? Fine! Well, let me tell you, there's a lot of other pretty ladies with dead aunts and evil fiancés out there who'd be happy to land a handsome ranch owner like me.
Yup, they'll be impressed by my horse and my ability to knock over tables while fighting and my two employees, an alcoholic ranch hand and his too-tiny-to-do-anything son.
And they won't even care that we're more than halfway through and we still haven't seen the beast of Hollow Mountain because they'll love me for me.
And now, thinking about it, I admit riding a horse in here was a boneheaded move.
" Turns out the beast of Hollow Mountain was the breaking of a loving heart.
Honey, I shrunk the Pancho! "I know I left a case of Tecate here somewhere.
" "Homeward Bound 3: Pancho's Journey.
" The music's gotten very Peter and the Wolf all of a sudden.
Señor Dorf goes fishing.
You know, the obstacle course for Mexico's version of Ninja Warrior is not at all impressive.
Yeah, how hard is it really to go through these trees? It's stupid.
Horatio Sanz is The Fugitive.
"The Common Central American Pancho searches his native swamplands for the strategic booze deposits he hid the previous winter.
This will give him the buzz he needs to secure and bury other deposits of booze throughout the swamp.
And the cycle of life goes on.
" Pancho looks like if Teddy Roosevelt had a kid with Droopy.
"Ah, this is a good place to rest.
" "Ahh!" Yeah, if you punch and shoot at the same time, it adds speed to the bullet.
"Hat, run! Go get help! Bring adults!" Wait, was that all we're gonna see of the beast? Because usually that scene happens before the opening credits.
"I feel a disturbance in the Force, as if a drunk voice screamed out and was suddenly silenced.
" Ow, hey! Pancho getting killed? Sorry you had to see that, but I'm sure the filmmakers know what they're doing.
Oh, who am I kidding? You're watching MST3K: Moon 13, The Moon.
"Hey, horse, do you think I overreacted back there?" "No way.
She was playing you, Jimmy.
She was being a real B, and you know I don't like to use that letter.
" Nice to know after all the intense beast attack action, the movie will still take time to show us a man pensively tying up his horse.
It's storytelling of the highest order.
"This is Regiscope.
" Jimmy, it's getting late and the Panchos aren't back yet.
"I told them they could stay out until the streetlights came on.
" Jimmy, you hear me? "How could I not, Jabberjaw?" - What? - Is anything the matter? - I'm leaving.
- You're what? As soon as we get the cattle loaded tomorrow, I'm heading north.
We'll split the profits, and the ranch will be yours.
- No, Jimmy.
- Sí.
But we built this ranch together! I know, Felipe, but things have changed.
"Now Kentucky Fried Chicken's just KFC.
" - It's not the girl, is it? - "Well, maybe.
" Look, the minute I leave, Enrique Rios will call off his hounds.
You'll be able to run the ranch without any more trouble.
"Are you breaking up with me?" I see.
You'll come back for the burial, I hope? The what? After you go, it's Enrique Rios' gun or mine! Now, wait a minute! Señor Jimmy! Señor Felipe! My papa did not come back from the swamp! Second act twist! That crazy Pancho went into the swamps after all! Get your horse! Let's go! So there's pretty much no problems if they just build a fence to keep the cattle out of the swamp.
Just don't go in the swamp.
Am I missing something here? No, I think it's the monster eating the cattle.
They just haven't been great at explaining that.
Oh, in that case, rant retracted.
Meanwhile, on the set of F.
W.
Murnau's A Song of Two Humans Was Pancho really worth four wet socks? How does Jimmy have worse balance than Pancho? Look! "That was Pancho's favorite arm! He loved that thing!" - Yeah, that's Pancho's, all right.
- Yeah.
"You can still smell the Long Island Iced Tea.
" - Pancho! - Pancho! "ABC Family presents Three Horses and a Little Boy.
" "Can three swinging bachelor horses raise little Panchito? Neigh! This fall on ABC Family.
" He's been gone all day.
He must have dropped that hours ago.
Sí.
It'll be dark in about 30 minutes.
We won't be able to see a thing, Jimmy.
There's quicksand everywhere.
If he went into quicksand, we owe it to the boy to find out.
If he were alive, he would have answered us by now.
- You know that.
- Pancho! "Just admit it, you love Pancho more than you love the rest of us.
" Well, we don't want Panchito to see the sombrero.
"There.
Saved him years of therapy.
" Poor little guy.
He'll never know the joy of seeing his father die from liver failure.
We'll never see The beast of Hollow Mountain My papa? "Not it!" Where is my papa? "He's dead.
Uh, I mean he's dead drunk at the bar.
In heaven.
" - Where is he? - We didn't find him, son.
- He's not coming back.
- Felipe! Uh until he finds the stray cattle.
- "Yeah.
" - Please take me to him! No, Panchito.
He'd want you to stay at the ranch with us.
Come.
No, I am going for my Papa! Panchito! Please, let me go! Let me go! "Come on! Come on! Come on!" - My papa! Let me go! - "Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on!" "Oh, my God, did you hear Pancho died?" "Yes, I heard a beast did it.
" "From Hollow Mountain? That's crazy.
There's no beast in this movie.
" Hurry up.
We join the film's wrap party, already in progress.
Maria, give me some tortillas.
Buster Keaton was into drag? Oh, I'm putting that in Wikipedia right now.
And that's about as far as the camera pans.
- Panchito.
- "So, heard your dad got it.
Tough break, kid.
Well, I found these tortillas and whatever this is.
I don't know.
I guess it's like a lime horchata?" Panchito, eat something! See what I made for you? No, thank you.
I want my papa.
Cheer up, Carlos And, uh, there was no trace? - Only his sombrero.
- Poor Pancho.
The, uh, boy doesn't quite understand.
"He's a dum-dum.
" Going into the swamps after his father is almost an obsession with him.
You're gonna have to watch him closely.
Don't worry.
Panchito will be well taken care of here.
- Gracias.
- Are you leaving today? As soon as we get the cattle loaded on the train.
Now, you remember your promise.
No one's to bother Felipe after I'm gone.
No one.
I give you my word.
Then I'll be saying good-bye.
We are sorry to see you go, but your decision is a wise one.
"Now come join me on the other side of the pillar.
" Oh, you can tell Enrique he's rid of the burr under his saddle.
All right.
"Thanks for the free kid.
" "Hey, why the long face? Ohh, right.
" Time to say adios, Panchito.
Would you stop smiling, Jimmy? He's hurting.
What's the matter? Aren't we still friends? "Let's play with Julio down by the school yard.
" - Why not? - You are bad.
You would not let me go to my papa.
Oh, Panchito.
Don't say that after we've been such pals.
Let me go.
"That's my purse! I don't know you!" "You've named me! And so you have power over me.
- What is thy bidding?" - Panchito? Panchito sounds like a Cheeto that's been fried with extra cheese and special Mexican spices.
Very crave-able.
So you are leaving.
Yes, I was saying good-bye to Panchito.
"He's like the Robin to my Batman.
" But not to me.
I thought that's the way you wanted it.
Yes.
"You're my first girlfriend.
Just tell me what you want.
" - Won't I ever see you again? - No, Sarita.
- If I were to see you again, I'd - "Probably cry.
" I'd never let you go.
"Not even if you needed to use the bathroom.
" Adios, Señorita.
"I told him I wanted him to leave.
Why isn't he staying? I guess I just don't get men.
" And the town celebrates getting rid of the one American! Yay.
Aw, this was supposed to be Pancho's sobriety party.
Look, Jonah.
Chemtrails.
What more evidence do you need? There's no beast of Hollow Mountain.
They just think there is because of the barium in the air.
Aaah! The beasts! It's Mexican Chinese New Year! This is either a sacred sacrificial rite for a funeral, or they're just opening up a new Chili's.
"What the hell? I'm from here and I don't understand what's going on.
" I see what's happening here.
Chaotic ethnic parade, bad guy enters Time for a kick-ass Indiana Jones-style action sequence.
Buckle up, boys.
All this waiting is gonna finally pay off! Or he just walks away and nothing happens.
No, no, this is like a Bond movie.
Jimmy's in one of those costumes.
He's gonna get on a jet ski and chase after Enrique.
I think we're about as far away from a Bond movie as we can get right now, Tom.
Yeah, I suppose they're polar opposites, aren't they? - Mm.
- Wishful thinking.
"And so, mission accomplished for Improv Everywhere, with its ability to playfully engage bystanders to lighten their day with the illuminating powers of improv.
Off they go, to charm more unsuspecting innocent people.
" "Our cattle dance worked! Look at all the cattle we created!" Don Enrique! I thought you'd be at the church.
The wedding isn't for two hours yet.
The cattle are ready.
What do we do now? Wait.
When George and Carlos are driving the Americano's cattle to the station, they have orders to start shooting.
And the cattle will stampede.
- Stampede? - Right.
But, Señor! That is very dangerous! - "Duh.
" - That will be a mile or more from here.
And the herd will scatter to the hills.
But didn't Don Pedro say the Americano was leaving town? Leaving or not, that shipment's gonna be made with my cattle.
Do you think cow extras are harder to deal with than human extras? Well, they're easier to feed but harder to clean up after.
So, six of one, half a dozen on the another? Yeah.
Man, they built a fence out of stone? - That's so punk rock.
- No, it's actual rock.
Oh, why, I oughta! "Stampede at four o'clock.
Pass it down.
" "Stampede at four! Pass it down! Shh!" "Hey, Jimmy, don't cattle need food?" - Is everything under control? - Fine.
I'm going to the ranch to pick up my things.
Oh.
Then you won't change your mind? No, I'm still leaving on the same train with the cattle.
See you later.
"I gotta get to the train before those steers take all the good seats!" "Well, at least I get to sleep on the top bunk now.
" What are you guys doing? What's happening? Why why are you What's up? What Hello? Okay, seriously, what's You guys are scaring me.
Answer me.
What are you doing? What's happening? Uh, is this that Hamilton show everyone's been talking about? It could be a celebration of the arbitrary quality of life.
Or they suffered a really bad blow to the head.
Why is this happening? What's going on? What is happening? Why won't you guys talk to me? Tell us! Tell us! I'm going out of my freakin' mind! What have we done to offend thee? Answer me! You guys are scaring me! Who must we kill to slake thy anger? Crow! Tom! Tom, it's Jonah! What is happening? Make it stop! Oh, no! We got movie sign.
Come on, we gotta go.
- What was that all about? - That wasn't us.
"There's another father I'll never have.
" "Rats, I knew I should have made a reservation, but the kids' menu is out of this world.
" Okay, at a certain age, pigtails should be a sometimes thing.
- Not dressed yet? - We have plenty of time, Señor.
Your hand is like ice.
"Let me guess Ice bucket challenge.
" - Don't you feel well? - Oh, yes, I'm fine.
- Are you happy? - Yes, Papa.
- Margarita, get my sombrero.
- "This is serious.
" I have to meet Enrique.
I'll be back soon.
"Now give me a taste of that ice-cold hand.
Mmm refreshing!" "Got to go polish my Dad of the Year awards.
" "I can't believe I have to marry Prince Humperdinck.
" Wait, what movie is this? "My tongue is stuck to my ice-cold hand!" Tell my guests I'll be back in a few minutes.
Sí, Señor.
"He'll be back in a few minutes!" D'huh? Panchito! What are you doing with that horse? I am going to look for my papa.
You are the most stubborn boy! You can't see your father because Well, somebody's going to have to tell you sometime.
It might as well be now.
Your father was drowned in the swamp.
- Oh! - No, it's not true! My papa is not dead! They just did not find him.
Panchito, I am telling you the truth.
- Come back into the house.
- No, I'm going to find him! Panchito! Come back! Panchito! Panchito! "Wait! I have lots more details about how your father suffered!" "Oh, and Margarita is down.
That's her third injury this season.
" "Now to hot-wire this horse!" - Panchito! - Is she trying to fly? - Panchito! - Panchito's a total baller, man.
He rode a tiny saddle "Panchito, no Oh, Game of Thrones is on!" Aah! Ghost! Ah, she's wearing a Mexican boob scarf.
Classy.
Señorita! Señorita! Panchito, he "Line, please.
" Your wedding dress.
Aren't you going to put it on? - "Say yes to it.
" - Jimmy will have to decide that.
"Jimmy's wearing it?" What were you saying about Panchito? He went to the swamp to look for his father! - I couldn't stop him! - "And I didn't fall down!" - Somebody has to! - Tell Juan to saddle my horse.
Sí, Señorita! Is anyone gonna go to this wedding? Someday Walt Disney will make a roller coaster out of this mountain.
"Beast should be coming up any moment, folks.
Sorry for the delay.
I'm a mountain.
" "Come down, come down to Hollow Mountain Cows.
We've got black cows, brown cows, spotted cows, little cows, big cows! Financing is available.
I'll stand on my head to make a deal!" Hey, those aren't cattle.
Nothing like a romantic picnic surrounded by cows.
Look, I'm going to make it.
Ah! Big Bird? Either a Wild Thing rumpus is starting up or we've got our beast! "Sorry I'm late to the movie.
Traffic was nuts.
" A Gene Simmons-saurus.
"Crap, we owe that guy money!" I want to register a complaint for what I feel was a misleading use of the word "beast," which led me to assume it would be hairier.
Perhaps a yeti or, given the setting, a chupacabra.
You weren't expecting a wiggly-tongued claymation dinosaur.
No, I was not.
I know it's claymation, but that's slightly unreal.
That would be like a human picking up a bulldog with his mouth.
Did anybody say this movie's a bunch of bull yet? - No, we haven't.
- Okay, just wondering.
Don't go, Señorita! Don't go! "Why must everything I love run away? Ooh, Walking Dead!" The cattle must have gotten a restraining order against the cameraman.
"What was that?" "Sounded like a tyrannosaurus picking up a bull!" Stampede! "Gosh, they look like little ants from here!" We've got to head 'em off! Come on! "I don't know, monster and stampede.
Seems a bit much.
I'd be happy with one or the other.
" It's like one of those superhero sequels where they think they have to have two villains.
It's overload.
"We're what's for dinner! Yeah!" Fools! They're running them this way! Well, not so much running as sped-up walking.
But I take your meaning.
Get them away from the village! Fast! They'll tear it apart! How'd the cattle get hold of a fog machine? Oh, Rock Ridge cannot catch a break.
"And so the running of the bulls was born!" - Señor Jimmy! - Margarita, get back! I have to find Don Pedro.
Panchito ran away to the swamps, and Sarita has gone after him! "You seem to have it under control.
" "House of Cards!" We were wrong to be so focused on the beast.
This stampede rocks! Yeah, 1,000 cows are a lot more powerful than one tyrannosaurus.
We should be calling this movie The Cows of Hollow Mountain.
These villagers are so lucky.
Two parades in one day! I told you that, Señor! The stampede was very dangerous! The American's cattle stampeded ours too! And see what happened? - "Oww!" - Idiot! - Enrique! You did this? - Yes.
- But you gave me your word! - Don Pedro! The cattle know his name? Don Pedro! Panchito ran away to the swamp.
Sarita and the Americano have gone to look for him.
Sarita? She's with the Americano? Sí.
She said she would not marry you until she had spoken to Señor Jimmy.
- Oooh! - Give me that horse! "Just don't hit me again!" Enrique! What are you going to do? "The same thing I do every night, Don Pedro.
Try to take over the world!" He rode an angry saddle What's the procedure again? Can we take off our costumes and run for our lives? Aw, where'd the stampede go? Papa! Papa! "Yes, son?" Now, this is more of a classic monster movie, with a misunderstood little kid, a misunderstood giant monster.
Throw in some mass casualties.
Yada yada yada.
Everyone learns a valuable lesson.
See? Papa! "Well, I did have Mexican for lunch, but" Papa! "He's in my belly! I'll bring him to you!" I happen to know the dinosaur lost his own alcoholic father in a tar pit, so him and Panchito really have a lot to bond over.
It's a dinosaur that walks like a pregnant woman.
"Which way should I go? Do I follow the scary brass music or the gentle beckoning flutes?" "Oh, Orange Is the New Black is on!" Did Panchito put shoulder pads in to look tougher for the dinosaur scene? Yeah, it's a ladies' power suit from the '80s.
Earl Sinclair? It appears the hunter has become the I can't actually tell what's going on.
Ahh! "Get off my property, you crummy kid! I'm gonna tell your Dad about Oh, yeah, right.
" How ironic the beast's greatest fear is getting messy.
Is he expecting to hydroplane over the water? "You better be delicious!" You could start a drinking game for every time you see a horse's butt in this movie.
- What do you call it? - I don't know, "Pancho"? And then your kids can play the game of "Panchito," which is when they beg you to stop.
Her shirt is sticking its tongue out at us! "Oh, man, that was a long ride.
I have to go.
I gotta go, I gotta go, I gotta go!" "Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go! Gotta go.
" "Oh, I don't gotta go.
" Panchito! She's got no "yell" reception.
How not to be seen.
Panchito! Where are you? Panchito, what happened? "Can I get in on that hug?" "Should I scream? I'll save it for later.
" "Hi-yo, Silver, let's get out of here!" "Ah! A brontosaurus!" "Oh, no, señorita, it's an allosaurus.
In fact, not all paleontologists agree the brontosaurus is even a distinct genus.
" "Not the time, Panchito.
" "I saw them, and now I don't.
They must not exist anymore.
" "Run away with me, Sarita!" Even watching this scene, if you asked me, "You want to play hide-and-seek with a dinosaur?" I'd still say yes.
All around the mulberry bush, The dinosaur chased the people - He has the sassiest walk.
- "You get in that house!" Uh, you're using it wrong.
You know, "Yakety Sax" makes everything great.
It should be playing over a PA system in every city in America all the time.
We'd be happier.
"I want my two dollars!" "We're sorry! We'll give ourselves a time-out!" "Here's beastie! Ha-ha, I've always wanted to do that.
" "Okay, Enrique Rios, now it's just between you and me and oh, my God!" "Oh, big lizard.
Oh, boy.
Oh, jeez.
" "Oh, brother, this is too much like work.
I want to kill something!" "Want a stick, boy? Want a stick, huh? Want the stick?" "Come on, I can't grab it if you keep moving.
Work with me here!" I wonder at which dojo she trained to use the bo staff.
Not a good one.
"We'll stop him with the power of hugs!" "Looks like a job for an American!" "Does anyone smell toast?" It's amazing how they trained that dinosaur to act in front of a green screen.
But the cowboy didn't like him So he shot him in the face Meta! "I should have packed more than two bullets.
What was I thinking?" "Sir, this is technically a hit-and-run.
We need to exchange information.
Sir!" You're watching Beast of Hollow Mountain on MST3K, loud and proud and dug into the moon.
Steve Pre-Prefontaine.
Sarita! Get away from there! Señor Jimmy! Jimmy's so blurry.
He must have shot out the beast's contact lens.
Uh, your mascara's running.
Sarita! "Start dinner, I'm running late!" "If he dies, I can still marry Enrique! No harm, no foul!" "Hurry, we can still make the parade!" Stay where you are! When I draw him further, run around that cliff! My horse is there.
"No time for love, Dr.
Jones!" "Bachelorette's on!" Ha-ha! Jimmy's in real trouble if that dinosaur ever finds a dinosaur-sized gun.
You know, with, like, a little trigger to allow his tiny claws.
"Good thing I didn't skip leg day.
" "I won.
" Look, Panchito! Let's catch that horse! "Just try it, Panchito, and I'll lay you out.
" Sí, Señorita.
He's got problems.
He can't walk and control his tongue at the same time.
You just know he's gonna stumble across James Franco's arm.
"Slowly I turned, step by step, inch by inch.
" "Uh, never mind, terrible plan! Going back now! Heading out!" "Well, it's no fun catching you if you're just gonna stand there.
" "Step, shuffle, ball change, step, shuffle, ball change, step, shuffle, ball change, huh?" I finally am Beast of Hollow Mountain "Do a quick check for other nearby dinosaurs.
Nope, just this one.
" There is no way to know how far away this cowboy is from that dinosaur.
They could be ten feet apart or 100 miles apart.
The movie doesn't care.
I see they've smeared Vaseline on the lens to give the beast a more youthful look.
Get away from there! "I can't hear you! Let me shoot you closer!" Get away from there! Is that a horse toupee? "Hey, I called dibs.
" "My peripheral vision just kicked in!" "Do you have a hankie?" "Congratulations on your impending nuptials! Oh, that's right, the wedding! I've got to get ready! I've got to get changed.
Where's my gown? Where's my shoes?" "Look out! Someone cut my brakes!" "Hey, good-looking, I'll be back to pick you up later.
" "He looked at me!" - Go back to town! - "Start a new life!" - Where are you going? - Where do you think? - Away from the monster.
- Jimmy! "Dinosaur or not, I'm finishing this triathlon!" "Ooh, that's cold, Wilbur.
" "Hey, who took my towel?" "Piranhas! Get out! Get out! Get out! Piranhas, piranhas!" Okay, come on, guys, who did that? What? No, that was on the soundtrack of the movie.
There's a lot of mud.
He's getting out of a swamp.
- Could be anything.
- Yeah.
See? They did it again.
Hold out your hand! "Uber pickups of the Old West!" "All I want is a taste! Just a taste!" "Just keep on driving, Thelma!" "Tell me again, why can't we go back the other way? Oh, yeah, dinosaur.
" I don't think this was discussed with the horse's agent.
Or the horse.
"Several horses were hurt in the making of this film.
" And don't forget the turtle the catering truck hit.
Ah, that is so like a horse to just ditch you like that.
Stay down.
Uh! And sand angel.
"Oh, what a night.
Feels like a horse fell on my head.
What did I do?" "You were great last night.
" "Uh, I've got an early meeting at work! I gotta go!" "You gotta get up.
There's ants all over you.
Come on.
You're ruining the picnic.
" La "Oh!" "Mommy, watch me slide!" Can anyone in this movie run without falling over? "And with minutes to go, the movie fulfills its promise of a beast and a hollow mountain.
" Say what you will, this beast's no quitter.
That makes him okay in my book.
Hollow Mountain's only five feet deep? Nuzzle, nuzzle.
"No girls allowed!" This is just like the time my cousin dropped a chicken wing through a sewer grate and he was so close to reaching it.
"Oh, that beast has terrible breath.
" Aw, Jeez, her fiancé isn't even dead yet and she's already got suitors lined up.
Over there! Follow me! Hey, those are the bad guys! "I'll cut ya, man! I'll cut ya!" So in the time it took for Sarita to get those guys, the beast somehow grew a longer arm? "Well, that didn't work.
I'll get a tennis racket.
" Jeez, Jimmy, I know you don't like the guy, but stab faster! This is the only death by T.
rex strangling in movie history.
"An Enrique figure? I wanted a Jimmy.
" Yup.
"That'll cut together, right?" "Buffet? Or single serving?" They rode a bunch of saddles "More brains!" Felipe! Detenmelo.
Weekend at Bernardo's.
"What's he doing with that body? Oh, yuck!" Go around the hill! This is how blurry it looks when I try and put on your glasses, Jonah.
- When do you do that? - When you're sleeping.
And what other things of mine do you try on when I'm sleeping? That's it, just your glasses.
But you should know, I do smell a lot of your things.
"Avenge me.
" "I just lit the stink bomb.
Let's get out of here!" So that hollow mountain was really more of an empty broom closet.
"Slow down! There's kids in this neighborhood!" "Whoa, watch the hands!" Bullets won't kill it! Ride back to the others! Where are you off to? "Less talk.
More horse spanking! Come on!" - Don't! - Jimmy! Great help, guys.
Thanks for coming by and watching Jimmy single-handedly fight a dinosaur.
You've been the best.
Vroom! This is where the fish lives.
"Nobody's gonna get me Lucky Charms! Hee-hee-hee!" If the beast could just start quickly sliding everywhere on one foot, Gumby-style, I'd really appreciate it.
Watching this wasn't the only thing I had planned today.
"Ha-ha, I'll sink into the quicksand, denying the dinosaur the satisfaction of killing me.
Brilliant!" Has anyone said, "Watch out for snakes" yet? Yeah, I think we did that.
Oh, we should have saved that for now.
"Whoop, the leeches are bigger than I thought!" - No, Jimmy! - No, Jimmy, be careful! "Now to do some fancy rope tricks and bore the monster to death!" "Quit it.
" He's doing the old rope-a-dope.
In that Jimmy's using a rope and he's a dope.
He seems genuinely surprised the dinosaur isn't catching the rope.
"Okay, Jimmy, only one rope.
Just go get it around the dinosaur's neck and now! I-I meant the tree branch! Get it around the tree branch! Yeah.
" Don't do it, Jimmy! You've got so much to live for! Oh, that's wasteful.
"What do you keep looking at?" Creamed spinach shouldn't be that watery.
I gotta say, this beast is showing a lot of patience.
He's nice.
"Come on, man, you know I have sinus problems!" Dumb move! Now the beast has a knife! Ugh, I could never climb the rope in gym class.
"Sarita, you missed a great parade.
" This guy can have fun anywhere.
Good on him.
Ah, remember summers at the lake with the rope swing and the monster? "I knew that summer at the circus camp would pay off someday!" "Have I hypnotized him with my leg kicks yet?" He looks like Spider-Man if Spider-Man worked for UPS.
For a man who's deathly afraid of piñatas As we established earlier.
he's really starting to act like one.
"Please do not touch the dancers, sir.
" I never thought I'd make this complaint, but how much longer are they gonna drag out a scene of a cowboy rope-swinging in front of a T.
rex? "And down goes Frazier!" "Whee!" Movie, you're way past your one-fall-per-character limit.
"And now the coup de grâce, something I could have done maybe four, five minutes ago.
" "Well, guess we should mosey over to the dying dinosaur.
We are gawkers.
" "I can't believe that actually worked.
" How did they see any of that from a mountain away? "Oh, I'm melting, melting! What a world, what a world!" "So, uh, I guess you're not marrying Enrique anymore, huh?" "Let's kiss later.
I wanna watch this.
It's a one-time thing.
" Could have been the most important discovery of modern times, but no, better your cows are safe.
"Look at him begging for help or whatever.
Die with dignity, beast!" "And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you" "I love you, new Mommy and Daddy!" "And you're watching the majestic beast perish.
Extras, please move away from the main characters.
Great, thank you.
And, principals, let's stand there and bask in how amazing Jimmy is, super.
And that's a wrap on Panchito and Felipe.
Beautiful! That's the whole Hollow Mountain, everybody!" Well, that was a pretty amazing prequel to Chico and the Man.
Almost a flawless movie, then they go and spell "thru" wrong in the last frame.
Ah, so close! Wowsie wowsers.
A dinosaur ate the bad guy.
Yeah, well, I think we can all agree every movie would be better if a dinosaur came out of nowhere and ate somebody.
Oh, totally, like if in Chinatown, you know, if Faye Dunaway and Noah Cross get attacked by a velociraptor.
- Wow.
- And then Jack Nicholson's all, "Forget about it, Jake.
It's Dinosaur Town.
" Oh, or or or A Few Good Men.
Tom Cruise gets eaten by a dinosaur, and Jack Nicholson is all, "You can't handle getting eaten by a dinosaur.
" And then a dinosaur eats him! You better believe Mrs.
Doubtfire would be better if Mrs.
Doubtfire got eaten by a dinosaur.
- That's right.
- Oh, get this.
So it's My Dinner With Andre.
Wallace Shawn and Andre Gregory are finishing dinner when they realize all the waiters are velociraptors.
- Whoa! - Oh! And Wallace Shawn is like, "When they said dinner, I didn't realize they meant us!" And then it becomes a hunt through the Central Park Zoo.
Polar bears fighting velociraptors.
Wallace Shawn hurling penguins.
And then zombie raptors arise from the ground because it was built on an ancient raptor burial ground.
- Wow! - Finally, tired of running, Wallace Shawn goes, "It's slashing time.
" And he turns into a raptor through the sheer power of live theater! Oh, yes! Guys, I think we just wrote The best movie ever! Pshew! Huh.
We either drove them insane or turned them into eight-year-olds.
It's kind of the same thing.
Push the button, Max.