Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Return (2017) s01e06 Episode Script

1 [all laugh.]
- [Tom.]
Ha ha ha, yeah.
- Oh, hey, everyone.
Welcome to the Satellite of Love.
I'm kind of embarrassed.
You caught us playing Spin the Bottle.
I made him do it.
I need practice in case I ever go to a mixer at a co-ed college.
Oh, spin for me, spin for me! Okay, here you go.
- Ha ha! - Oh! Oh, I won! I won! Deal with it! No, no, no.
You got to kiss Tom.
Oh, so I lost.
I'm out.
What Hey! You said you'd play my girl.
Um, Gypsy? Ooh, if I'd tried kissing him, I'd swallow his head.
Come on, Jonah.
Help out a fellow frat bro? Um, okay, sure.
I mean, what am I worried about? You're a robot.
Oh, boy.
- [Jonah.]
Whoa! - What? [upbeat music.]
[man.]
In the not-too-distant future [man.]
Mayday, mayday, mayday.
- We need your help.
- Somebody needs my help.
- [man.]
Next Sunday A.
D.
- [man.]
Mayday.
Mayday.
[man.]
There was a guy named Jonah Not too different from you or me He worked at Gizmonic Institute Just another mug in a yellow jumpsuit Hello! Hello! What the heck? [man.]
A distress call came in for him At half past noon That's when an evil woman trapped him On the dark side of the moon [Kinga.]
I'll send him cheesy movies - The worst I can find - [singers.]
La-la-la He'll have to sit and watch them all - And we'll monitor his mind - [singers.]
La-la-la [man.]
Now, keep in mind That Jonah can't control - When the movies begin or end - [singers.]
La-la-la [man.]
So he'll have to keep his sanity With the help of his robot friends [man.]
Robot roll call [together.]
Cambot Gypsy Tom Servo Crow [man.]
If you're wondering How he eats and breathes - And other science facts - [singers.]
La-la-la [man.]
Just repeat to yourself, "It's just a show I should really just relax" For Mystery Science Theater 3000 [Max.]
Hey, wouldn't it be funny if we, like, played Spin the Bottle, you know, as a joke? As a joke, unless You know, Kinga, we could do it totally not as a joke, too No, just stop.
Just put the outfit on.
[sighs.]
Invention exchange, Music Man.
Now, we've all seen the famous salsa-filled sombrero.
But why stop there? Presenting the Band-Eat-O.
You'll you'll see my sombrero is filled with salsa, my guns have been dipped in guacamole, and my bandolier holds everything I need to get the quick draw on my appetite.
Ketchup, pico de gallo Where's the horseradish? [scoffs.]
Radish? We don't need no stinking radish.
Oh, actually, it's right there.
It's right there.
Pardon me, señorita.
Hey! Max! Oh! Oh, the salsa, sorry.
- Sorry.
- Okay.
What do you got, Jonah? Skeleton Crew? Come on.
Just [groans.]
Onions.
Only your new must-have toy and best friend all rolled into one, and I do mean rolled.
Introducing BB-Servo! I'm a fad waiting to happen.
Slap my face on a ton of merchandise.
And all done with practical effects! Now, how about that kiss, eh? - Okay.
All right.
- Give me some sugar, baby.
Hey, we just we just work together.
Let's talk experiment.
What Hey.
What's going on? What is happening? [Max.]
Oh.
Yeah.
That.
- It's the Kinga Chrome again.
- [Kinga.]
Ugh! [Max.]
Hey, seems like we've still got audio.
I'll just throw up the "technical difficulties" card.
[Kinga.]
Oh, for crying out loud, Max! Prepare to enter the nightmare-fueled world of Starcrash.
Send them the movie.
- [Max.]
Okay.
- [Kinga.]
And then fix this! [Max.]
Oh.
Yeah.
Oh, I think I got it.
Movie in the hole! [liquid burbling.]
Oh, I know, buddy.
I know, I'm sorry.
Those Lucasfilm lawyers move so fast.
[crying.]
They said they'd smash my globe.
- [buzzer blaring.]
- Oh, we got movie sign! [Tom.]
Disney's back! Disney's back! [doors clanking and whirring.]
[Crow.]
Man, that's a lot of letters to have to deal with right off the bat.
[Tom.]
Marjoe Gortner? That's my favorite Trader Joe's spice.
[Jonah.]
Caroline Munro The store-brand Marilyn Monroe.
[Crow.]
Starcrash positions, everyone! [all whimper.]
Starcrash: The Halle Berry Story.
[Tom.]
Whoa! [Jonah.]
And we have Hasselhoff! [Tom.]
Star Wars This isn't Star Wars Even with Plummer It's not even close And Lewis Coates did his darnde Oh.
[Crow.]
And we open with an up-skirt shot of a spaceship.
[ship roaring.]
[Jonah.]
They finally launched the Mall of America.
[Tom.]
Christopher Plummer arrives on set! [Jonah.]
Ah, well, I'm glad it's over.
I'm exhausted.
Let's go.
[female voice.]
Major Bradbury to Communication Bridge.
Major Bradbury to Communication Bridge.
[Gypsy.]
"Your Hot Pocket is ready.
" [Tom.]
"Love your outfits, guys.
Looking sharp.
" [Jonah.]
"Yes, sir! Thank you, sir!" [female voice.]
Nuclear com force to main engine room.
Nuclear com force [Crow.]
Heh.
Man, it just doesn't feel like a Tuesday, does it? Say, you think there'll be any space cake in the space galley tonight? Uh want to hang out after work? Maybe? Possibly? All right, well, uh, good talk.
[Jonah.]
So they created this massive machine just so they wouldn't have to go around corners? [Tom.]
Great.
Uh, let me guess.
He's just gonna get in another one of these and be coming right back here.
Brother.
What is it like, the planet we're approaching? [crew member.]
Nothing but ice and snow.
A barren desert of whiteness.
Scan it with our computer waves.
The enemy's weapons may be hidden beneath its surface.
[Tom.]
"It's true.
A barren desert of whiteness.
" [Crow.]
"Nothing but ice and snow?" [Jonah.]
"Oh, look.
Each of us appears to have become a red bubble in an ever-churning Lava Lamp.
" [Tom.]
Oh, no.
Glinda the Good Witch is multiplying at an alarming rate! [Crow.]
I thought we sprayed for them! [all groaning.]
[Tom.]
"It's shrinking our hat sizes!" [Jonah.]
"Ah! It's like we're at Coachella, and somebody dosed us!" [Crow.]
"99 Luftballons floating in the summer! Bwah!" [groaning and yelling continue.]
[Tom.]
Oh! Space is so loud! [Jonah.]
Oh, man.
[Crow imitates spraying, squeaking.]
[Tom.]
"I'll just press this 'keep going forward' button.
Yeah.
" [Jonah.]
In space, no one can hear you scream, it's so loud! [Crow.]
Some people just don't know when to take down their Christmas lights.
[Tom.]
Her copilot is some kind of loofah-human hybrid.
[Jonah.]
Hey, buddy.
You're all over the road here.
Come on.
[Tom.]
Slim Goodbody, 2525.
[ship beeps.]
[Crow.]
"Whoa! Battlestar is on!" [Akton.]
Aha.
Looks like the cops.
As Thor, Chief of the Imperial Police, I order you to surrender at once.
[Jonah.]
"He's mad I stole his hair.
" Stella, you cheap smuggler.
I am police robot Elle.
[Crow.]
"And I'm an amalgam of every TV and film robot you've ever seen!" Go for hyperspace! [Crow.]
You go for hyperspace.
I'm bitter.
[Tom.]
Taste this rainbow! [Jonah.]
When these special effects are done, I bet it's gonna look really cool.
[Stella.]
Let's hope this star buggy stays together.
What's our chances? - 40% total disintegration.
- [Crow.]
Uh-huh.
- 30% molecular ignition.
- [Crow.]
Uh-huh.
20% gamma contamination.
You're very reassuring.
I assume that means we have a 10% chance of making it.
[Crow.]
"And a 100% chance I'm lying about everything.
" [Stella.]
Just keep on course and get ready to reenter normal space.
[Jonah.]
Okay, define "normal.
" [Crow.]
You just don't see upholstery in spaceships anymore.
[Akton.]
Ready when you are.
[Tom.]
Taste the rainbow again! We've done it.
We've done it! Not quite.
Look! A neutron star! [Jonah.]
"Glow in the dark" star? [Crow.]
Yeah, they all do.
If it gets a hold on us, it'll crush us.
Eject! Eject! [Tom.]
"Turning dial to 'eject.
'" [Jonah.]
Filmed over the weekend at Rick's parents' house.
Plot us a new course so that cop can't find us.
Even as you speak, it's been taken care of.
[Crow.]
"With my smugness.
" There's the border of the Haunted Stars.
Had we traveled one second further, we would've wound up right beside them.
[Tom.]
"But they cut that part.
" What in the universe is that? [Jonah.]
"Believe it or not, I'm not William Katt" [Crow.]
Hmm.
It looks like an iron.
[gasps.]
It's a spaceship! - No, it's a launch.
- [Crow.]
Eh, it's an iron.
[Stella.]
Their power's totally down.
[Tom.]
"I'm totally down, with clown.
" Maybe they're wounded, too weak to send a signal.
I'm gonna have a look.
[Crow.]
"And then we're gonna ransack the place.
We are criminals, after all.
Horrible, wanted space criminals.
" [Jonah.]
"I really could do more to help out, but" [Tom.]
"This is one small step for a woman and one Oh, my God.
I'm actually falling.
I'm actually falling.
" [Crow.]
"I'm seeing Spock's space coffin.
That can't be right.
" [Akton.]
What's the radiation level? - [Stella.]
Normal.
- [Jonah.]
Again, define normal.
- [Stella.]
I'm going inside.
- [Tom.]
"I'm in.
" [Jonah.]
"Well, may as well get my nebulizer treatment out of the way.
" [Crow.]
Oh, she's got her head in the butt part again.
[Jonah.]
I had a roommate who had a bong like that.
Whoo! Is everything all right? [Stella.]
Yes.
Wait a minute.
There's someone here.
[Tom.]
"I think it's Will Forte!" [Jonah.]
"Perfect time for a little Candy Crush.
" [Crow imitates bone crunching.]
"Oh, sorry.
" [Stella.]
He looks like he's hurt pretty bad.
[Tom.]
"Did I land the backflip?" I'll try to get him back to the ship.
I'll help you bring him aboard.
[Jonah.]
"It's the least I can do, really.
" [Tom.]
"Rosebud.
" [Akton.]
He's dehydrated, suffering from exhaustion.
But the launch was full of supplies Everything he could have needed.
He's also in shock.
[Crow.]
"And he smells like baby powder.
" He keeps talking about monsters, red monsters.
[Jonah.]
Red Monsters? That's the ultimate energy drink.
He wants us to alert someone urgently.
Who? The emperor of the first circle of the universe.
[Tom.]
"No, I'm kidding.
He's in way too much pain to talk.
" It's the emblem of the Chief Officers of the Imperial Navy.
[Jonah.]
"No, wait.
It's just a sticker from a piece of fruit.
Sorry.
" I'd say red-hot potatoes for small-time smugglers on the run like us.
[Crow.]
"I mean red-hot space potatoes.
" Well, what do we do? [Elle.]
You go to prison, Stella Star.
Your leap through hyperspace didn't fool us.
[alarm blooping.]
[Tom.]
"Sorry about my ex.
He's been a bit clingy.
" [Thor chuckles.]
You are completely surrounded by fighter ships.
[Tom.]
"Uh-uh.
Except there's no ships beneath you.
I guess you could drop down if you really wanted to.
" This time you've won.
We surrender.
There won't be a next time, Stella Star.
[Jonah.]
"Next week on Space Woman Stella Star!" [Crow.]
That's one really fancy Hot Topic.
[Tom.]
And that's their summer uniform.
Oy! [Crow.]
"Whee!" [Guard.]
My lord? [Jonah, goofily.]
"Yes?" Yes? What is it, Elrich? They found one damn survivor.
Right now the Imperial shuttle ship has taken him to their medical center, but his brain seems to be thoroughly damaged.
He will be of no help to them to find the ship.
[Crow.]
Lucky for them, neuroscience hasn't advanced in the last five centuries.
[Tom.]
"Ha ha! The promotion is as good as mine.
" [Jonah.]
"We're gonna be late for homeroom!" [Crow.]
"Well, I was about to do something seriously badass.
" [Max.]
Stella Star and Akton seem destined to meet evil count Zarth Arn.
Ignore the rules of sci-fi, and Starcrash! You're watching MST3K: Moon 13, The Moon.
Come to me, golems.
[Crow.]
The future of Christmas trees, tonight at 11.
[Jonah.]
Oh, look, we're behind the scenes at the "Pirates of the Caribbean.
" [golems hissing.]
[Jonah and Tom.]
"Aaahhh choooo.
" I have a simple task for you.
You must not fail me.
[Crow.]
"Fail you? How can I when I'm made of nothing but bike chains?" [golem hisses.]
[Tom.]
"Arrakis Dune desert planet.
" - [all.]
Ah! - Therefore, the great machines of the central operating system of Imperial Justice hereby sentence you, Akton of Ninth Vega, to 220 years hard labor in the prison planet of C-Com the Third.
[Jonah.]
"They're gonna chew you up and spit you out.
" [judge.]
As for you, Stella Star, having considered all the arguments, studied all the videotapes [Crow.]
Oh, he's got tapes of you? That's rough.
[judge.]
We condemn you to forced labor for life in the Pigno Colony of Nocturne the Second.
[Tom.]
"No, really.
I'm not just making this up.
" This session is hereby adjourned.
[Jonah.]
Looks like he sneezed in there.
[Tom.]
"Visit LEGOLAND!" [Crow.]
When did she change into vampire lingerie? [chute roars.]
[guard.]
Let's go! [Jonah.]
Wait, so beach balls are the fuel of the future? Who knew? [guard.]
Careful with that radium! [Crow.]
"No one escapes from the world's largest gumball machine!" [Tom.]
We don't need no education [guard.]
Where do you think you are? [Jonah.]
"Well, obviously, we're in the Dukes' hideout, which they've repainted and turned into a steam foundry.
" All right! Five minutes of rest! [Tom.]
"I want to see you maggots relaxing!" Let's go! [guard.]
Come on! Quickly, now! [Crow.]
"Let's rest to impress, everyone!" [Tom.]
"Um, did you not hear we're mining today?" I've been at this for 12-straight hours.
The radiation will burn my skin off! We're not slaves.
You'd better work if you don't want a taste of the burning of their energy whips, too.
[Jonah.]
"Been there, done that.
" But there must be a way to escape.
[female prisoner.]
It will be a way.
You know.
Blowups happen.
If I could only succeed in overfeeding the furnace.
But overfeed it with what? Energy.
[Stella.]
Then a gun ray could be enough.
[guard.]
Planning an escape? This is what you're gonna get, lady.
[Tom.]
Sting! [Crow.]
A beating with a Fruit Roll-Up! [Jonah.]
"Ew! I don't want him!" [guard cries out.]
[Jonah.]
Mike Ditka? [prisoner cries out.]
[Crow.]
"Pfft.
This is BS.
" [Tom.]
"Wait a minute! Stella's gone! We don't have to keep doing this!" [Crow.]
"Wait, I was just shooting you!" [Jonah.]
"Oh, no! Someone's gone and hit the big ball chute!" Oh! Star crash.
Ooh.
So the building exploded so hard that it's daytime now.
[Tom.]
"We now return to Starcrash of the Apes, starring Stella Star and the apes, who are not pictured here.
" Board me! Board me! [Crow.]
Looks like an evenly matched fight, Stella.
They're in a warship, and you've got a sword-gun designed by Prince.
[Jonah.]
Filmed on the beach in Wildwood, New Jersey.
[Tom.]
"Okay, in this one, you're concerned but still sexy.
Great! That's lunch.
" [Jonah.]
You ready, fellas? Let's try one.
[Jonah plays acoustic guitar.]
The Gallifreyan cruisers And the dudes of Arrakis They all leave us alone 'Cause they know what the facts is Got four fusion chambers And a tachyon hull And a cherry pair Of flood sealers keeping it cool On the Kessel Run, Yeah, nobody can touch her Let me be the Picard To your Beverly Crusher The gangway's extended, And we're ready to go Won't you come along, baby, In my UFO? Surely no danger Getting in a stranger's UFO She looks like a kitty cat But rides like an ace "Serenity" and "Slave I" Can't keep the pace Whitley Strieber and Roy Neary Gonna join in the race Yeah, my UFO's the coolest TTO in space From Altair IV to New San Francisco We'll be catching gamma rays In my flying disco You bring your pointy gun thingy And Tom and Crow Yeah, would you come along, baby In my UFO? Klaatu barada, na-no, na-no Make it so And climb into the side Of a complete stranger's UFO [Crow.]
Don't do it.
Don't do it.
What a mistake.
[Tom.]
Don't do it! No! [Thor.]
You can drop the rifle ray.
[Tom.]
"My name's not Ray.
It's Stella.
" [Thor.]
Now turn around.
[Jonah.]
"And look serious, like you're the public defender in the opening of a cop show.
" You [Thor.]
I bet you never expected to see me here.
- [Stella.]
And you too.
- [Elle.]
Poor Stella.
Your escape efforts have been wasted.
Okay.
I've lost again.
We were sent to free you.
Your sentence has been canceled.
[Crow.]
"I can filter water with my mouth!" Have you both gone mad? [Elle.]
I only have logic and emotion circuits.
No room for craziness.
[Tom.]
"But plenty of room for this accent!" Well, I've been assigned to a top-secret imperial mission.
We must now leave and set Akton free.
[Jonah.]
"Ho-ho! It was nuts down there.
We got to come back here every 250 years.
Heh, heh, heh.
" There, he's yours.
[Tom.]
"You see if you can get through to him.
We tried everything.
" My gift to you.
[Crow.]
"Sorry.
I didn't have time to wrap him.
" Would I lie to you? [Jonah.]
"I really don't know what that means.
" [ship siren wailing.]
Look! It is the Imperial Flagship! [Crow.]
"Blurh?" [Tom.]
Space church You're welcome At space church We're not quite a real church We're more of A space cult [Crow.]
"Design by committee, am I right, guys? Look at this crap.
" [Jonah.]
How many more ways can they rip off Star Wars? [Tom.]
That's because it came out after Star Wars.
If it came out before, it would have been pretty cool.
Akton, you are gonna meet some real royalty.
[Crow.]
"No, they are meeting my hair.
" [Tom.]
This music has convinced me.
It's not a giant golden toilet.
[Jonah.]
W-w-what's wrong, Crow? [Crow, crying.]
It's just so beautiful! [Crow sobs.]
[Tom.]
Are we getting escorted out of this movie? [Jonah.]
"I meant to show up in front of you.
When you're bending space and time, the last 20 feet is the hard part.
[clears throat.]
Over here!" He's here! [Tom.]
"You can approach me.
I won't bite.
" [Jonah.]
I feel like I'm watching a community theater production of Guardians of the Galaxy.
His Highness, the Emperor of the First Circle of the Universe.
I come to you because my faithful robot [Crow.]
"Meep morp.
" Has told me that you are the only one who could save us.
You know, you must be the best pilot in the whole galaxy, and you, Akton - [Tom.]
"You're nice.
" - [Emperor.]
The best navigator.
Stella our galaxy is split [Tom.]
"Lengthwise.
" Into two warring factions Our own [Crow.]
But that's just one! - And the one ruled - [Crow.]
Oh, gotcha.
By the evil count Zarth Arn from the League of the Dark Worlds.
[Jonah.]
"Spooky, right? Hmm.
" [Emperor.]
We've recently begun to receive troublesome reports from our spies among the League.
- They have informed us - [Tom.]
"I'm paid by the pause.
" That the Count has created a weapon A new, limitless weapon [Crow.]
"Right.
" [Emperor.]
A weapon so vast, so huge that it would take a whole planet to conceal it.
[Jonah.]
"You've obviously never heard of that before, huh?" That is why we sent the mission ship.
Did they find the planet? [Emperor.]
The ship came so close.
So close.
[Tom.]
"So soft.
So right there.
" [doors clanking and whirring.]
I tell you guys, sci-fi space melodramas are a lucrative business.
So, as we left the theater, I whipped up a quick screenplay.
Oh.
World War Space? That's the title.
Don't wear it out.
Actually, say it a lot.
Got to build buzz.
Check the logo.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh.
I didn't even notice that.
See you use a sans serif font there.
That's really good.
Now, every sci-fi franchise needs three things A love triangle, a merchandisable laser weapon, and a planet-sized climax.
Let's start with the opening text crawl.
"World War Space.
Episode 11.
Attack of the Bad.
War is happening.
The Duke of Swirl, naive magical hick" - Jonah, that's gonna be you.
- Okay.
"Has returned from a yearlong sabbatical on the Gumdrop Mountains.
Meanwhile, Princess Lolly, secret daughter of evil Lord Licorice, flees Molasses Swamp.
" You're playing her, Tom.
All righty.
Accent or no accent? I say go with it.
Techno-gibberish just sounds more believable coming out of a British person.
All right.
Whoo! [high-pitched voice.]
Right-o, governor! - That's pretty good.
- Thank you.
Uh, well, Crow, it seems like you stole all your characters from Candy Land.
Uh, duh! Preexisting brand awareness means instant nostalgia.
Cha-ching! Cha-ching! "Princess Lolly briefs the Galactic Senate's Wise Elders Tenant Board of the Universe.
" Vice Chancellor, my secret father, Lord Licorice, plans to blow up the universe! [hillbilly accent.]
Well, gosh, Princess Lolly, I'd like your hand in space marriage, but our love is against the rules of the sacred crystals.
Oh, it is true, though I wish it weren't so.
[normal voice.]
Wow, Crow, romance, bureaucracy, and overcomplicated world-building? - This is great.
- Pretty solid.
Yeah, check it out.
"Suddenly, Lord Licorice's troopers attack, each wearing different armor so we can make toys out of all of 'em.
And pew-pew! Pew-pew-pew! So much pew-pew-pew-pew! The Duke of Swirl unholsters his laser nunchakus.
" Wait, las laser? If they're made of lasers, how I do grab 'em? I'll cut off my fingers.
Ah, it doesn't matter! Shoot straight to the climax of page 119, where our heroes must destroy the ultimate weapon The Swiss Army Planet! - Whoa! - Whoa, jeez! - [buzzer blaring.]
- Oh, no, we got movie sign! [Tom.]
Aah! [doors clanking and whirring.]
Discovering the Count's secret When it was suddenly attacked by a horde of unknown monsters.
[Crow.]
Well, a void of red things.
We had assumed it was destroyed.
We had lost all hope.
[Tom.]
"Pause for laugh.
" Until you found the launch from that ship.
[Jonah.]
Akton looks bored.
[Emperor.]
And now, with the utmost secrecy [Crow.]
"Hmm.
Nice in here.
" You must sail through the Haunted Stars.
[Tom.]
He can't even pay attention to himself.
You must find that ship, find the Count's secret planet, and destroy it.
[Crow.]
Oh, he's peeing back there! When you complete the mission [Tom.]
Zip! Search for the commander of that missing ship.
[Jonah.]
Star Shrek.
[Tom.]
Come on, Christopher, you can make it.
Think of the hospitality suite.
He was my only son.
[Crow.]
"Are you his only dad?" [Tom.]
"So long, farewell Auf wiedersehen, good-bye" [Jonah.]
Join Akton, Stella, Thor, and Elle on next week's rousing space saga, Nothing Ever Happens! [Crow.]
All right, we get it.
It's just the majesty of space.
Let's move on! Come on! [Tom.]
If the Force has awakened, it's already back asleep, I tell ya.
The first possibility is the Origa System [Crow.]
Ooh, Origa System.
Also known as the World's Asleep, but this system is still within our galaxy, and we should've found it by now.
[Crow.]
Yeah, it's a living! The same also applies to the White Sun of Ozum.
[Jonah.]
"So the squiggle's important?" So only the third possibility remains The heart of the Haunted Stars [Tom.]
He likes this one! An unknown planet named Uregas.
[Jonah.]
And he's done.
Whoo! Yeah! Well, shall we begin our search? - [Thor.]
Let's go! - [Crow.]
"New best friends!" [Stella.]
The distance we must travel is enormous.
By using hyperspace, what would normally take two months to reach we should do in two hours.
- [Tom.]
Give or take two months.
- Everything ready? - Ready.
- Right.
[Jonah.]
Ah! Cut it out with the blingin' daz-razz! [Elle.]
Every time I go into hyperspace, I get nervous.
[Crow.]
We now take you live inside of Elle the robot's head.
[Tom.]
"I'm good at space" [Crow.]
Are we in hyperspace, or are we looking at a screen saver? [Stella.]
Prepare for reentry to normal space.
[Jonah, imitating Kermit the Frog.]
"Mm, it's not easy being green.
" We've arrived.
[Tom.]
"I'll decide if we've arrived.
Let me look at this.
Yeah, this is good.
What do you think, brainy?" [all.]
Pigs in Space! [Jonah.]
Grant Wood's Intergalactic Gothic.
It's not very far from here.
You can reach it by using the space shuttle.
[Crow.]
"Or we could pull up a little closer, and you can just fall there.
" [Akton.]
Thor and I will wait for you there, hidden in that canyon so that we're ready in case of another surprise attack of the Count.
That sounds fine with me.
- [Crow.]
"Real fine.
" - Is there air out there? Yeah.
Yeah, you can breathe.
[Jonah.]
"Probably.
" All right.
Let's go.
[Elle.]
Follow me.
[Crow.]
Did she lose some more clothes when they jumped to hyperspace? [Elle.]
I'm sure you can operate the shuttle ship.
The controls are easy.
Ah, watch your step right here.
[Tom.]
So shuttle controls are easy, but stairs need constant supervision.
[Jonah.]
Ah, he designed the chairs to look like Thor's ears.
Take care.
[Crow.]
"If something should happen to me, don't go in my room!" You all right? [Tom.]
"All right, all right, all right, Space McConaughey.
" [Jonah.]
Lower the cheese shield.
[gasps.]
It's the launch.
Let's land.
[Elle.]
Okay.
Take it in easy.
Shuttle to starship, we are landing now.
[Tom.]
"So how do you think our date is going, Stella? Have I earned your love?" [Crow.]
"Elle, let's just be friends.
" [Elle.]
My seat belt's stuck.
[Tom.]
"Can't you see I need you?" [Stella.]
Oh, Elle, come on.
[Elle.]
Take it easy.
I'm coming.
[Jonah.]
Let's laugh and learn with Elle, the bumbling robot.
- [Elle.]
Look at that.
- [Crow.]
"Damn you! You blew it up! I don't know what it is, but you blew it up!" [Elle.]
The impact was tremendous.
[Jonah.]
Tremendous? I say stupendous! [Elle.]
I doubt if anyone could've survived.
[Tom.]
"Guess there's no use lookin' for survivors! Let's make out!" [Elle.]
The nuclear exhaust ports have been gutted by fire.
[Crow.]
"And chili peppers burned its guts!" [Stella.]
We'd better look around.
[Tom.]
I thought we were.
What's that? [Elle.]
I don't know.
[Jonah.]
Why did she even bring the robot? He's useless.
[Tom.]
Hypodermics on the shore Planet's under martial law We didn't start the Starcrash Yeah, this planet was thrashin' Since the star's been crashin' Seems to be a planetary artifact.
Well, it certainly is an antique.
Looks like some sort of laser spear.
[Crow.]
Oh, they're doing improv now.
This planet is inhabited.
We must be very careful.
We are in the evil Count's domain.
[Jonah.]
Sesame Street? [scoffs.]
These stars are extremely far and remote, even for him.
Probably, they've set up a fully independent kind of civilization.
[Tom.]
Oh, libertarians, yeah.
We're wasting time.
We better start looking for the missing crew.
[Jonah.]
Oh, yeah, you're all business now, aren't you, Elle? Look! Amazons on horseback! [Tom.]
Oh, yeah! That's on my bucket list.
Ha ha! [Crow.]
That's the thing about this movie.
It's not afraid to take its time to aggravate you.
[Jonah.]
Should we be alarmed that the horses have Crocs on their heads? [Tom.]
They've been kidnapped by apathetic Roman cheerleaders! [Crow.]
"What a great idea.
It's a fortress and a mall!" [Amazonian.]
Die, robot! [Tom.]
Sam Peckinpah's The Wild Bot.
[Amazonian.]
We want her alive.
[Stella.]
You'll pay for this, all of you.
[Amazonian.]
Don't make us kill you! [all imitating grunting.]
Stop! There's no escape! [Jonah.]
"And we don't move our mouths!" [Stella.]
Take your hands off of me.
Let me go! [Tom.]
Oil can! Get your hands off of me! Let me go! [Jonah.]
"Stop struggling, or you won't get anything from the vending machine.
" Queen Corelia, this is the spy we captured.
[Crow.]
"You.
Me.
Runway battle.
Now.
" You're a spy, as the men from the launch were, too.
But nothing is going to stop the Count anymore.
[Tom.]
"I smize at your foolishness.
" Even if you had passed by this world, you'd never be able to discover the Count's planet.
[Jonah.]
"Let's see, am I forgetting anything else to reveal to you? Hmm.
" Two packs of murdering guardians are there to watch and protect it from intruders.
[Tom.]
"Juggalos and more Juggalos.
" Put her into the mind probe.
- No! No! - [Crow.]
Yes! Yes! Hold it right there! Elle! Release her, or I'll blast your queen! [Crow.]
"With authentic hickory-smoked barbecue flavor!" [Tom.]
It's bold! [upbeat horn music.]
[Max.]
The Tube descends and sucks Jonah out of the SOL and into the back-jack so he can perform the show open.
It's less complicated than it sounds.
You're watching MST3K: Moon 13, The Moon! [Elle.]
Come on, now.
Don't you people move, or you're dead.
[Jonah.]
"You people"? Give me any trouble, and I'm gonna clean out your sinuses real good, lady.
[Crow.]
"Think of me as a laser-powered neti pot.
" - Okay, close the door! - [Jonah.]
"Sorry.
Didn't mean to yell at you.
Amazons got my dander up.
" Stop them! Stop them! [all.]
Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.
- [lasers plinking.]
- [Amazonians crying out.]
Behind you! [Elle.]
Full power! [Jonah.]
Wait, so vaporizing people wasn't full power? Come on! Let's go! [Crow.]
Elle's been so much more assertive since he died.
[Tom.]
Yeah, they say dying saved his life.
Guardian.
Take my revenge.
[Jonah.]
Ah, the interns did this shot.
Kill them.
[Crow.]
Oh, yeah.
That's what I'm talking about.
[Tom.]
Uh-huh, a little somethin'-somethin' for the robots.
- [Crow.]
Yeah! - [Jonah.]
Okay, guys.
Look! Whoa! [Jonah.]
It's Talos with breasts.
- [Crow.]
Hey! - There! That narrow passage in the rocks! Come on, Stella! Run! [Crow.]
Listen, we can all agree Harryhausen was a genius, don't get me wrong, but he didn't really get the blood pumping like this guy.
[Stella.]
Hurry! [Tom.]
Jonah, stop-motion can be a very provocative form of animation.
Even its name sounds sensual.
Stop.
Motion.
Repeat.
[Jonah.]
Okay, okay.
All right.
Enough.
[Crow.]
"Oh, no! I tripped on a sand!" [Tom.]
"Initiating tickle protocol.
" No! [Jonah.]
Okay, now I'm grooving on this.
[Crow.]
That is not okay.
- [Jonah.]
But you guys were just - [Tom and Crow.]
No.
[Crow.]
Okay, now he's the King of England.
There's your literary reference.
Classy, right? I'm out.
[Jonah.]
Come on back.
To heck with Deadpool.
You're the next Bugs Bunny.
[Tom.]
No! My metallic angel! My beloved! Not her! Take me! [Elle.]
We better move! The Amazon air fighters will be here soon.
Quick! To the ship! [Jonah.]
"Ashes to ashes.
Rust to rust.
" [Tom.]
That cuts it.
I'm leaving.
[Crow.]
One ship.
Two ship.
Red ship.
Blue ship.
They're attacking! [Elle.]
I'll man the laser cannon! [Jonah.]
"I'll sit in this cushy cell phone!" Spectre Seven, fire! [Tom.]
Ah, back to killing humans, I see.
That's great.
All right.
We've got them.
Fire! Fire! Yeah! - [all.]
Yeah! - There's one more! [Jonah.]
One more, but that's it, okay? - [Crow.]
But I count three.
- [Tom.]
No matter.
We got this.
- We got 'em.
- [Crow.]
They got 'em! - Watch out on the right.
- [all.]
Oh.
We're down from six to five.
Get ready.
[Tom.]
Five? You said we had one more, like, ten minutes ago.
- Well, four more.
- All right.
We've won.
We did it.
[Jonah.]
Oh, I love a good red velvet planet.
[Crow.]
Oh, they're delicious.
[Tom.]
Wow, this space movie has a lot of walking in it.
I found the positions to both the third launch and the mother ship.
[Jonah.]
P-Funk's Mothership? The mother ship is closest, so we'll check it out first.
- [high-pitched squealing.]
- [Crow.]
Excuse me.
[Akton.]
It's here, on the third planet of the next solar system.
[Stella.]
I've never been there.
[Tom.]
"And my birthday's coming up.
Hint, hint.
" [Stella.]
What's it like? Red fogs.
High winds.
Low gravity.
[Crow.]
"Oh, it's like Delaware.
" [Akton.]
And the atmospheric conditions are stable.
However, the entire planet is covered with ice and snow.
[Crow.]
"Like Delaware.
" And you must be extremely careful when the sun sets.
The temperature drops thousands of degrees, and in an instant, everything freezes over.
[all.]
Like Delaware! [Tom.]
I'm out of here.
[Jonah.]
Oh, okay, well, you're missing some really great snow.
[all.]
Oh! - Whoa! - Hey, hey! [Jonah.]
Oh, wow! That looks like a lot of fun.
Can I do that? [Tom.]
Sorry, Jonah.
The shot changed.
[Jonah.]
But we [Crow, imitating Morgan Freeman.]
"Once again, the penguins return to their arctic spaceship, a crude knockoff of the 'Millennium Falcon.
'" [Jonah.]
"Stella, you think enough time's gone by since the last time I hit on you? Yep, you're right.
It's not appropriate.
" [Elle.]
It's times like these that I'm glad to be a robot.
[Tom.]
"Not cool.
" [Crow.]
"At least I'm getting in my 10,000 steps.
" And what's your problem, ship's computer, huh? [Jonah.]
I know it's the future, but I'm not ready for this love scene.
[female voice.]
Is everything all right with Stella and Elle? [chuckles.]
I'm not worried about them.
I'm just waiting.
[Crow.]
Thank you! - Your waiting's over.
- [Tom.]
"That felt good.
I got to start actin' on my feelings more.
You get it? Akton? Anyway, where was I?" [computer beeps.]
[Count.]
Mm.
At last, Thor.
You have some good news for me? Yes, Excellency.
I've killed the alien pathfinder and taken over the ship.
What of Stella Star and that tin policeman? [Jonah.]
So steampunk.
This planet will take care of them, Excellency.
Good.
And I await your immediate arrival.
[Crow.]
"This planet reminds me of Akton.
I wonder what he's doing.
I miss him.
" Elle, how much further? [Elle.]
We should be close.
Just a few more radions.
[Tom.]
"Yeah, radions.
You know, ten radios make a radion, ten radions make a radius, which means we're probably walking in a circle!" [device trilling.]
[Jonah.]
The world's noisiest glue.
[Crow.]
"Oh, God.
Hurry up! Hurry up! I got to go! I got to go!" [Stella.]
Akton! We're here! [Tom.]
Wow, these spaceship walls are paper-thin.
[Jonah.]
"Aw, I'm never gonna finish this toaster.
" [Crow.]
"And now I'm chafing.
" [Tom.]
"I'm gonna turn on the sprinklers.
" [Elle.]
Akton, Thor, let us in! The sun is setting! That's exactly why I'm not letting you in.
Soon, you'll be dead, and I'll be gone from this planet.
- Have you gone crazy? - [Jonah.]
"Yep!" - Open this hatch! - [Thor.]
No.
Where's Akton? Akton is dead, and I'm leaving to join Count Zarth Arn as the Prince of the League of Darkness.
[Crow.]
"It's a working title, but you get the drift.
" [Elle.]
Thor, a traitor.
I cannot trust my own logic circuits anymore.
[Tom.]
"Gol darn it! It just do not compute!" He fooled me, too.
It's no use.
We're gonna freeze.
[Elle.]
Maybe I can save you.
Now, you lie down in the snow faceup.
[Stella.]
Okay? [Crow.]
"I'm gonna teach you how to make a snow angel of death.
" [Elle.]
Now give me your hand so I can monitor your temperature.
[Jonah.]
"And the robot is on the board!" [all.]
Whoo! I can use my energy to keep your heart working.
[Crow.]
"But unfortunately, all your other organs will die.
" Elle, as an opponent, I always knew you were programmed to never give up which was infuriating.
[Tom.]
"Go on" But now that quality must be [Tom.]
"Love?" - Best.
- [Tom.]
"Oh.
" You're the most faithful companion a woman ever had.
And I, too, respect you, Stella.
[Crow.]
Aw, don't do that.
She's putting you in the friend zone! You don't want that! Now, maybe, is a good time to use your ancient system of prayer and hope it works for robots as well.
[Jonah.]
"I am a Mennonite.
" Good-bye, my friend.
Good-bye for now, Stella.
[Crow.]
"Are you there, God? It's me, Stella.
I pray for Akton to finally fall in love with me.
" [Tom.]
"What?" [Crow.]
"Or please reincarnate me as a giant brain so he'll find me more attractive.
" [Tom.]
"I cannot believe my robot ears.
" [Crow.]
"When I think of that lithe, tan body of his, that unruly bushy hair, with not a speck of it reminding me of a robot" [Tom.]
"I'm right here! I can hear all of this! I'm less than 30 inches away!" [Crow.]
"Oh, Akton.
" You were expected here hours ago! I've been delayed by a malfunction.
I don't tolerate malfunctions or inefficiency in my realm! [Jonah.]
"Are you breaking up with me?" How long will the delay be? [Akton.]
I think a very long time.
- [Crow.]
Oh! - You shouldn't try taking off without asking me first.
This time, I'll make sure you're dead! [Crow.]
Please! [all.]
Thor! Thor! Thor! Thor! Thor! Thor! - [Tom.]
Space kick! - [Crow.]
Space chop! - [Jonah.]
Space finishing move! - [Tom.]
Come on, Thor.
You're gonna let Mr.
Space Perm take you down? [Crow.]
Ooh, right in the Shatner! [Jonah.]
Space kick revisited! [Akton grunts.]
[Tom.]
H.
R.
Giger's filing cabinet! [Crow.]
"Go to bed!" [eyes plink.]
[Jonah.]
"Good thing I have eye star magic.
Did I not mention that before? Well, I do.
" [Tom.]
Dee Snider! - I'll fix you.
- [Crow.]
"I'll shave your head, paint you green, and put you in a leather jock!" Say good-bye! What? [Jonah.]
"Your crappy effects are powerless against me.
" Put down the gun.
Stop! No one can survive these deadly rays! [Tom.]
Yeah, just push the button more.
That always works.
These deadly rays will be your death.
- Ah! - [Jonah.]
"Ow! My bladder!" [Crow.]
"Hmm.
I learned to kill at Juilliard.
" [Tom.]
Akton, you're the man! [doors clanking and whirring.]
Oh, man.
Akton totally crushed Thor.
He's a power-permed badass! Yeah, Akton was all like, "Don't mess with me," and Thor was like, "I'm messin'," and Akton was all like, "You're dead," and Thor was like, "You're awesome!" Whoa, that's him! Hey! Hey, Akton! Akton! - Hello.
- Shh! Don't be lame in front of Akton.
Akton's ears are burning.
Did someone say my name? - It was me! - Oh, oh Sorry, just excited.
Could we get a picture? Oh, sure.
It's 5 bucks, and, please, no video.
I don't have any money.
Mr.
Akton, sir, your work killing Thor really meant a lot to me.
Oh, well, you know what? I appreciate that.
Here, you can pick up my dry cleaning.
Whoa! Dreams do come true! Wow! - Sure do.
- Oh, man.
Is it too much to ask to show us your powers? Radical! Oh, well, I don't think you boys could handle that.
Well, I must be on my way.
Thank you so much.
Please, Akton! I don't have a lot of male role models, and ever since I saw you murder Thor, you've been like a father to me.
Oh.
Honesty.
You know, honesty is one superpower I've never been able to possess.
I can't show you my superpowers because I don't know how they work.
All I do is put my hands out like this, and I hope something happens.
- No! - Wha? I'm no hero.
I'm a fraud.
And I just use condescending snark just to get through the day.
Listen, I got to go! Oh, my goodness.
Poor sap.
And to think we thought he was cool.
Yeah, no way I'm picking up his stuff from the cleaners now.
I'm throwing this ticket in the street.
Oh, yeah.
Let's spit on it first.
- Yeah.
- [buzzer blaring.]
[Tom.]
Oh! Movie sign! Exit stage left! - Exit stage left! - [Crow.]
Ah! [doors clanking and whirring.]
[Akton.]
This is Akton.
I've taken over the ship.
Do you read me? [Jonah.]
Magritte did spaceship paintings? [Tom.]
Walt Disney? - [Elle.]
Ah - [Crow.]
"Refreshing.
" [Crow.]
"Don't worry.
Everything will be cool.
My dad's the dean.
" [Elle.]
Her pulse rate is 16.
She may survive if you can use your powers and bring her back slowly.
[Jonah.]
"Speaking of powers, now would be a great time for you to tell us if you got any other ones this movie hasn't shown us but might turn out to be totally crucial.
" Close the hatch.
[all.]
Just set it and forget it! [Tom.]
"Can she hear us?" [Crow.]
"No, the glass is 2 inches thick.
" [Tom.]
"Think she'll make it?" [Crow.]
"No, we just have to go through this to get the insurance payment.
" [Jonah.]
That's not the part I would've started with, but, yeah, go ahead.
"Set hands to maximum glowy.
" [Tom.]
Wow, his hands have a really strong Wi-Fi signal.
[Jonah.]
Oh, yeah, laugh if you want, but it took some Italian special-effects guy three weeks to make this shot.
Still going.
Anyone else have anything or? [Crow.]
Yeah, yeah, I got something.
Watching this makes me hungry for a snow cone, huh? [Jonah.]
All right.
Tom, you got something? [Tom.]
Oh, yeah, if you don't mind, I'll go again.
You know Oh, it's done.
[Jonah, imitating Andrew Dice Clay.]
"Ooh, a frosted flake! Hickory dickory dock!" [Elle.]
Look! It is working! She is going to make it.
[Tom.]
A couple more of these dissolves, and she'll turn into Lon Chaney Jr.
[Crow.]
She's changing into an Oompa-Loompa! [Jonah.]
You can tell by the music, either she's going to make it or she's going to die, but she's in love.
[Crow.]
We're going on three minutes for this resurrection scene, and as much as I like her, she's no Spock.
Come on, Stella! [Tom.]
Back up, guys.
I think this is when she vomits.
[Jonah.]
"We are the music makers.
We are the dreamers of dreams.
" [Crow.]
We get it.
Her hands are okay, too.
[Jonah laughing goofily.]
[Crow.]
Now, whoever she sees first she'll imprint on and assume is her mother.
[Tom.]
Why are we spending time on this? It seems like spaceship filler.
[Jonah.]
Oh, glad you asked.
There's a good reason for this.
Obviously, they don't want to show the post-freezing rehab.
It's a laborious process, but it mostly means Akton's gonna teach Stella how to use the bathroom again.
[Crow.]
Oh, thanks for the teachable moment and everything you do, movie.
[Jonah.]
Well, now you're being sarcastic.
- [Crow.]
Oh, you think? - [Jonah.]
Hey.
"You guys, let's just stay in and Netflix tonight, okay?" We're arriving.
That's the planet Damondea.
There in barren land and vast emptiness, we'll find the third launch.
- [alarm wailing.]
- [Tom.]
Dolphin alert! [Elle.]
Something's wrong.
Everything has stopped.
What's happening? Power failure! [Crow.]
Wait, they're actually paying off something they set up earlier in the film? That's cute.
It's acting like a real movie! I am out of [voice fluctuating.]
Look! - [Jonah.]
"Hello!" - [Tom.]
"Hello!" [Crow.]
"Hello!" What is it? [Tom.]
They're carbonating the movie! [voice fluctuating.]
It must be the Count's weapon! - Ugh! - [Jonah.]
Oh, yeah.
Yes.
[Crow.]
"Bubbles, get thee behind me.
" [Jonah.]
Just go with it, Stella.
Don't worry about it.
- I'm getting gold here! - [camera shutter clicking.]
Perfect.
I think we got our cover.
- "Good-bye!" - [Tom.]
"Good-bye!" - [Crow.]
"Good-bye!" - [together.]
"Good-bye!" - [Tom.]
"Ha ha ha! I did it!" - [laughs.]
[Crow.]
"Ha ha, I'm gonna call Steve.
He's gonna love this!" Oh, here, let me help you.
The attack's over.
You'll be all right.
I thought I was gonna go insane.
We've just survived an attack of the most powerful weapon in the entire galaxy! [Jonah.]
"Shark-apult.
" [Crow.]
"Heh.
I was gonna die.
Now I don't have to.
It's fun!" [Tom.]
Is Akton stripping Elle for parts? [Jonah.]
I never get tired of that shot.
Just a great, great, great shot.
[Crow.]
"No, that's okay, Akton.
You stay and protect the ship.
Take it easy.
" [Elle.]
If Akton's calculations are correct, we should find the launch this way in a crater, just over there.
[Tom.]
"There's craters in them there hills.
" [Jonah.]
"Well, good thing I wore my Glad-brand Dress 'n' Seal.
" [Crow.]
"Aw, too bad Akton's stuck inside on such a beautiful day.
" [Tom.]
"Over there looks like a good place to bury Thor, what's left of him.
" [Jonah.]
We turn now to Stella Cam, already in progress.
[Tom.]
Wow, it's like even the landscape realized what movie it was in and stopped trying.
[Elle.]
Oh, me.
[Stella.]
Don't say it.
Don't say it.
I know.
Steam makes you nervous.
[Elle.]
No.
No, not really.
Heh, heh.
Why should I be nervous? There is nothing to be afraid of around here.
[Crow.]
There's the Elle we haven't grown to love.
[Jonah.]
Lionel Richie? Why? [Tom.]
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Starcrash [Stella.]
Looks totally wrecked, but it's definitely the third launch.
I better go down.
No, I insist.
Time for a little robot chauvinism.
You stay here.
[Jonah.]
What a pig.
- It's just a big Solo cup - [Crow.]
Echo echo echo [Jonah.]
The untimely death of Baymax from Big Hero 6.
[Tom, imitating Bill Cosby.]
"'A vanilla Jell-O pudding pop.
' [imitating Elle.]
Hey, Stella, are we far enough in the future we can make Bill Cosby jokes again? Boy, I hope so.
Ha ha.
Dy-no-mite.
Well, that one's Jimmie Walker!" [Crow.]
"I'm filling my stillsuit.
" [Jonah.]
"Movin' on up, movin' on up" - [caveman yells.]
- [Tom.]
Cirque du Surprise! [Crow.]
When Croods attack.
[cavemen growling.]
[Jonah.]
"I'm comin', Elizabeth!" - [Elle.]
Release her! - [Stella.]
Elle! [growling and yelling continue.]
[Tom.]
"Og might as well jump.
Jump!" [Crow.]
I never thought that a robot shooting lasers at cavemen could be this boring.
[Elle grunts.]
[Jonah.]
"Ug go ahead and jump!" [Tom.]
No, take out the language center! [Crow.]
"I love my work!" [Stella.]
Let me go! [Jonah.]
"Ha! Still didn't get my language circuit.
" [Tom imitating steam whistle.]
That's lunch, boys.
Solid day of killing robots and grabbing space vixens.
[Crow.]
Okay.
Here's where his hand moves and we know he's gonna be okay, huh? No? Okay, I-I know.
Now he winks at the camera if He's dead.
[Tom.]
"Og love a parade The trampling of feet, I love every beat I hear of a drum Og love a parade When I hear a band, I just want to stand And cheer as they come The rat-a-tat-tat, the flare of a horn The rat-a-tat-tat, a bright uniform - Og, Og" - [Stella.]
Let me down! [Jonah, imitating Dice Clay.]
"What? Leftovers again? Oh!" [Tom, imitating Dice Clay.]
"The bag seals in the natural juices.
" [Crow, imitating Dice Clay.]
"She makes her own gravy.
Little Miss Muffet.
Oh!" [Jonah, normal voice.]
Andrew Lloyd Weber's Cavemen Forever: The Musical at the Winter Garden.
Seats still available at popular prices.
[Tom.]
Mexican bootleg Lisa Simpson? Help! Don't! Don't! [Crow.]
Zardoz! [Jonah.]
The Flintstones versus the Jetsons.
[caveman yelling.]
- [Tom.]
Pumaman? - [Jonah.]
Pyoo-ma-man.
[Crow.]
Pyoo-meh-min.
[Crow.]
"I'm gonna tie you up in a nicer cave.
" Take it easy.
I'll cut you down.
[Tom.]
"What? My head's so full of blood, I can't hear anything!" There.
You're free.
[Jonah.]
"And I managed to get us a seat by the fire.
Pretty good, huh?" [Crow.]
"Are you wearing a jock?" That was a little too close for comfort.
Come on.
Come on! [Tom.]
Visit scenic Mucous Chamber at Loogie Caverns in Crossroads, Tennessee, just 45 minutes outside of Lexington.
We're on the beltline.
[lively rock music.]
[Max.]
Stella Star has been rescued from cavemen by someone in a gold mask that can shoot lasers from its eyes.
Yeah, you bet you heard that right.
You're watching MST3K: Moon 13, The Moon.
[Crow.]
It's just the Burger King mask painted gold.
[Jonah.]
"Please tell me you're not a Southern robot.
" - [Tom.]
"Well, howdy-do?" - [Jonah groans.]
We'll rest here.
This is safe.
[Crow.]
"One more question Are you solid chocolate or hollow?" [Tom.]
"I'm chocolate with almonds.
Couldn't you tell by the foil?" [Jonah.]
"Uh, what are you doing?" [Tom.]
"Well, I did just save you.
" Who are you? [Crow.]
"Can I Hassel your Hoff, my lady?" This is an energy shield mask.
And the amount of energy is limited.
[Jonah.]
"Probably because it's made out of cardboard.
Where you going?" - My name is Simon.
- [Tom.]
"I'm a pieman.
" I'm the only survivor from the wreck of an imperial mission.
[Crow.]
"It wasn't my fault, I swear.
" Are you really? We've been searching for you all through these damned Haunted Stars.
- [Jonah.]
Whoa! Language! - Why? The Emperor's orders were to find the Count's phantom planet and to destroy it.
So you know about the monsters.
- Yes, I do.
- Well, it's useless.
[Tom.]
"Trying to keep this place clean.
" We did not succeed in finding the planet either.
[Crow.]
Wait, this isn't the place? But now there's no time left.
The cavemen will be waiting for us.
[Jonah.]
"Try to act surprised.
" [Tom.]
"So, like, are you from one of those all-girl planets or what?" All right.
Stay very close and very quiet.
[Crow.]
"Heh, heh, heh.
We're hunting wabbits.
" [Stella.]
Oh, this way looks safe.
[Tom.]
"Let me tell you about Amway!" [Crow.]
"What does it say about us that we were outwitted by cavemen?" [Jonah.]
"I don't know! Keep moving! I lost my energy helmet, and everything's falling apart!" [Tom.]
"You're, like, a space outlaw and you didn't bring a gun?" [Jonah.]
"Og give brief survey! Only take few minutes!" [Crow.]
"Thin Mints or Samoas?" [all grunting and yelling.]
[Jonah.]
Sounds like they're being attacked by a gang of Eddie Vedders.
[Tom.]
Hmm, yes.
It appears crude stage fighting developed very early in human evolution.
[Crow.]
"A-whoo!" [Jonah.]
Actual footage of David Hasselhoff at Comic-Con.
[Crow.]
These cavemen have kicky little skirts.
It's fun! [Stella.]
No! [Jonah.]
Oh, well, now they're just openly ripping off Spaceballs.
[Tom.]
Hop! [Crow.]
"Ug invent titty twister!" [Tom.]
Cavemen give off lots of sparks.
[Jonah.]
"At the hop" [Tom.]
"Thank God for my completely original weapon, the illumination sword!" [Crow.]
"You know this maniac?" [Jonah.]
"Shouldn't he be done by now?" [Tom.]
"Oh, I pulled something.
Ah.
Ah.
" [Crow.]
"This isn't funny anymore.
Let's get out of here.
" [Akton laughing.]
[Jonah.]
"Oh, you guys were there the whole time? I thought I was alone with 'em.
" You all right? Akton, thank God you got here in time.
You must've known all along.
[Tom.]
"Thanks for not telling us.
" By the way, this is Simon, the only survivor from the imperial mission.
We owe you our lives.
Now, maybe, with your help, we can still find the Count's phantom planet.
Let's go aboard your ship and continue on at once.
There's no need to continue.
[Crow.]
Because the budget just ran out.
The end! Let's go, guys.
That's our primary mission To find the planet and destroy it.
[Akton.]
I know.
But we've already found it.
Think about it.
Then you'll understand that this is the Count's planet.
[Jonah.]
"Case closed.
Next question.
" [Akton.]
Remember what the Amazon Queen said.
A planet occupied by two packs of evil defenders.
Well, the first we met while in space - [Crow.]
Mm-hmm.
- The red monsters.
[Crow.]
Mm-hmm.
- And the second - [Crow.]
Uh-huh? Right here, the troglodytes.
[Crow.]
Oh, yeah.
And there's no question about it.
This is the planet.
This? That's incredible.
It was here, and I didn't even realize it.
- There's no way you could've.
- [Crow.]
"You're a moron.
" Anyway, we must proceed at once and destroy all that machinery, right? - Right.
- [Tom.]
"Stella, I'm impressed.
Your gay friend is, like, really smart.
" [Jonah.]
"Now, stalactites have to hold on 'tight.
' Stalagmites 'might' fall over.
" [Tom and Crow.]
"Yes, Akton.
" [Jonah.]
"Cave fish once had eyes, but after many years of evolution, they became blind.
" [Tom and Crow.]
"Yes, Akton.
" [Jonah.]
"Turning off apps will not save your battery.
" [Tom and Crow.]
"Yes, Akton!" [Tom.]
You're out of the cave Here's lots of new junk For you to absorb [Akton.]
This is the Count's secret domain.
[Stella.]
Where is everybody? [Akton.]
Everything is set in our destiny.
Soon, you'll know all the answers.
[Tom and Crow.]
"Yes, Akton!" This will take us to operation headquarters.
[Crow.]
Step back, folks.
Welcome to Crow-Mart.
Lotions and notions, level two.
Elder pumps, level three.
Lady things, levels four, five, and six.
[Jonah.]
You've never been in a store, have you? [Crow.]
No, and I'll sit down.
[Akton.]
After you, my dear.
[Tom.]
"In case there's any danger.
" Here's the nerve center of the entire operation.
[Jonah.]
"They call it a 'Genius Bar.
'" [Stella.]
This is unbelievable.
Fantastic.
Preprogrammed computers.
[Crow.]
"Actually, scrubbing bubbles.
" [Simon.]
All these power modules What are they for? [Akton.]
This is the force that projected the red monsters into space.
[Stella.]
Then this is the way they produced real monsters? - [Jonah.]
Aaahh!!! Real Monsters.
- [Akton.]
No, not real.
The monsters never existed.
These machines discharge mental projections of monsters in our brains.
There's the control panel.
[Jonah.]
"It's set to free play, so there's no need for tokens.
Go crazy.
" [Tom.]
Dallas-Fort Worth Airport: The Movie! [controls pulsing.]
[Crow.]
You know, this shot was all done in one take.
[Tom.]
Look at all those 3-D printers.
This is the future.
[Jonah.]
So should we leave and go back or? [Akton.]
Now destiny must take its course.
[Crow.]
"Who wants a Slurpee?" [Stella.]
No, we can't allow this to happen.
[Simon.]
We must destroy it at once.
[Tom.]
"We're here for our playdate with Elle.
" [all.]
Ya'll ready for this? [all humming 2 Unlimited's "Get Ready for This".]
[Jonah.]
"Hello, Simon!" [Crow.]
"Hello, guards one through three!" [all.]
"Hello, Stella!" [Tom.]
"Hello, guards four through six!" [all.]
"Hello, Akton!" [Jonah.]
"You know, I knew this was going to happen.
" [Tom.]
Bet the bottom of that cape is just filthy.
[Crow.]
A little destiny insurance, I see.
You've been very lucky.
- And clever.
- [Jonah.]
"And that hair.
" You survived every trap that I've laid for you.
Then I realized that your success would become my triumph.
[Tom.]
"So we're friends?" How much time is left, Captain? Half a quadrant to go, my lord.
[Crow.]
"Because that's how we measure time in the future.
" You hear? In less than an hour's time, all that will be left of this planet will be ashes and cosmic dust.
[Tom.]
"And galaxy sprinkles.
" [Jonah.]
"Okay, well, what else you got?" Then you will be among the dead.
The Emperor will make you pay for this.
[laughing.]
The Emperor? I forgot to inform you [Jonah.]
That's not like you to forget.
That the Emperor will be blown to pieces along with the rest of you.
- [Tom.]
"Meeces.
" - Yes.
I told the Emperor that we had found you on this planet.
He's on his way here now at top speed.
[Crow.]
"Appropriate for conditions, of course.
" He'll get here just in time to join the fireworks.
[Tom.]
There's gonna be fireworks? Nice.
I'm sorry, Your Highness.
You've lost.
"Highness"? Forgive me, Stella, but in the beginning, I didn't know whose side you were on.
[Tom.]
"But we held hands in the cave!" [Simon.]
And afterwards, I didn't know how to tell you.
Yes, he is Simon, son of the Emperor and heir to the throne.
[Crow.]
"I knew it would hurt you, and I let it happen.
" [laughing.]
[Jonah.]
"Sometimes bad things just happen around me!" [Crow.]
He's like the white Count Chocula.
[Jonah.]
What's he looking at? You two are to prevent them from leaving this room at all cost.
You will stay with them until the end.
[Tom and Crow.]
"The BIONICLES hear and obey.
" Kill them if you have to.
- [laughs.]
- [Jonah.]
"I'm a fun boss! Laugh it up, boys!" [Tom.]
"If I've proven anything today, it's that you don't need to work blue to be funny.
Come on, guys!" [Crow.]
The Crotch Gang on FX.
[Jonah.]
"Do they know, under all those laughs, I'm still sad?" Now it will be just a matter of waiting.
An hour goes by quickly.
[Tom.]
"When you're in a nitrous booth!" [imitates gas hissing.]
[Crow.]
Do you think it's too soon for another BIONICLE reference? [Jonah.]
Yeah, but who's counting? [Tom.]
The Count lied.
This time isn't going by quickly at all! [doors clanking and whirring.]
[Tom.]
Uh, you sure this won't hurt? Well, it won't hurt, but I can't promise it won't look terrible.
Finally, I'll have eyes The most expressive of all facial features.
Quiet! Freak Masterstroke, the big-time space investor, is coming! - Okay.
[groans.]
- Okay.
[both clear throats.]
Why do they call him Freak Masterstroke? Because everything he does is some kind of freak masterstroke.
- Duh.
- Oh.
[Kinga.]
That's him.
The most powerful venture capitalist in the universe.
Max, act professional.
Ah! Mr.
Masterstroke.
I am Kinga, CEO of Moon 13 Enterprises.
Would you care to make landfall? I'll stay here, thanks, rather than descend into your cave? Seriously? Do you live in a cave? Um, okay.
- Once again, I'm Kinga.
- And I'm TV's Son of TV's Frank.
Just call him Max.
Mr.
Masterstroke May I call you Freak? No.
"Mr.
Masterstroke" is good.
Please, talk faster.
I'm a very busy man.
What do you want me to invest in? Perhaps this will excite you.
It is a mix of retro and future The fly-in drive-in! A fast-food restaurant for people wearing jet packs or on hover boards.
Wait, you mean I've got to go all the way to the drive-in? How is that convenient? Here's what you do.
Bring the drive-in to the customer.
Call it a drive-out.
Then you got something.
Well, that's just delivery.
Which people love! Of course, the lunar theme park is the big venture.
[Masterstroke.]
Wrong.
Lunar dairy farm.
What do people know about the Moon? It's made of cheese.
And you call it gluten-free.
We know it's rocks.
They think it's cheese.
Now you got something.
Right.
Um, on the south side of the Moon, we are planning our gravity laser.
We can use it to make tidal waves, blackmail major economies for ransom Blackmail with doomsday lasers? Are we really still doing that? And what's this thing you're doing here with that guy and the little robots? Uh oh, the experiment? I'm driving a man mad by by showing him bad movies.
Yeah.
Where's the reality-competition element? Where's the audience interactivity? Where's my second-screen experience? Tell you what you do.
You take this doofus, you take his screwy little robot friends, turn 'em all into apps.
Now they live on your phone.
And now You got something.
[Kinga.]
Okay.
Okay, we'll do it.
We'll do it.
And and then you'll invest.
Right? Hello? [Max.]
Where's he going? [Kinga.]
I think we just got Freak Masterstroked.
- Huh? How do I look? - [laughing.]
Come on, guys, gaze into the windows to my soul.
- [buzzer blaring.]
- Whoa, we got movie sign! [Crow.]
Tom's got googly eyes! [doors clanking and whirring.]
[Tom.]
"Will these nails never dry?" We've got to get past those golems.
Yes, but how? [Jonah.]
"Uh, now would be a good time to say you know, Akton.
" [golems hissing.]
Have faith and never give up hope.
[Crow.]
"I was gonna say, 'May the Force be with you, ' but just forget it.
" [Tom.]
"Well, hello, robots.
I think I left my inhaler on the ship.
I'd love to run and get it, and then I'll definitely return to being your helpless prisoner.
" [Jonah.]
Wait for it [Crow.]
Hey, his lightsaber was blue before! Movie, you were so close to being flawless! [Jonah.]
He's distracting them with a cat toy.
Brilliant move.
[chuckles.]
Here, kitty, kitty.
[Tom.]
Shipstad and Johnson's Starcrash-capades! [Jonah.]
People, people who need people Are the luckiest [Crow.]
Real room-crossing action.
[Tom.]
"All right, already.
We're getting there.
Hold your horses.
" [Jonah.]
Robots, robots who need killing Are the [Crow.]
"Pfft, I could do that.
" [Tom.]
Oh! Right in the flux capacitor.
[Jonah.]
Dee Snider's Strangeland.
[Crow.]
Now he's gonna come back as a ghost in the sequel.
[Tom.]
"You killed my brother!" Ah! [Jonah.]
Did you see that coming, Akton? Ha ha! [Tom.]
"Let me put that away for you.
" [Jonah.]
"Ever been killed by anyone as beautiful as this?" [Crow.]
"Hassel-slash! Hassel-thrust! Hassel-parry! Hassel-duck! Hasselhoff!" [Tom.]
"Hi, Darryl!" [Jonah imitating whimpering.]
Look out! [Tom.]
"That robot might make promises he can't keep!" [Crow.]
"Fast-actin' Tinactin!" [all.]
Ooh! Ah! - [Tom.]
Yeah.
- [Jonah.]
I like that.
All right.
- [Tom.]
Fantastic.
- [Jonah sighs.]
[Tom.]
Al Gore arrives for the global-warming summit.
[female voice.]
We are now approaching Damondea.
All crewmen to landing stations.
[Tom sighs.]
Al Gore continues to arrive for the global-warming summit.
[Crow.]
Psst.
Psst.
You're on! [Jonah.]
And now the Emperor's colonoscopy, presented in its entirety across the galaxy.
Don't worry.
Don't worry.
You and the prince will live.
[Crow.]
"In shame for the rest of your lives!" Akton, you've got to get up.
We must get away from here.
I shall remain here.
Please get up.
Please.
I'm no longer useful at this time.
[Tom.]
If Akton dies, does that mean he goes to a better movie? [Stella.]
You can heal yourself in no time at all.
No.
I must obey destiny.
[Jonah.]
Oh, you always say that when you don't know what's going on, Akton.
We'll carry you.
[Crow.]
"Or sit in a chair, and we'll carry that.
" It's your duty.
You must live.
[Tom.]
"Well, that's all I needed to hear.
You ready, Stella?" I can't.
I can't leave you.
You're the only humanlike friend I've ever had.
[Jonah.]
"Uh, I can be humanlike!" You never die.
- Stella, Stella.
- [Crow.]
"You're so stupid.
" I've accomplished the mission.
Yes, but I Now, others are coming, even as I speak.
They'll rescue you.
Don't worry.
[Tom imitating bones crunching.]
Ow! I'll live forever.
[Jonah.]
"I'm just gonna go to live on a farm upstate.
" Now go.
Go.
[Crow.]
"Well, okay, if you're sure.
See you tomorrow!" [Tom.]
"So, Chinese tonight?" [Jonah.]
"I don't know.
Why don't we just eat in?" [Tom.]
"Perfect.
I'm bushed.
" [Tom, imitating Kermit the Frog.]
"It's not easy being Akton When you're the color of a wet Cheeto And your crotch is bound up in leather And your hair looks like Carole King And you seem to be avoiding suffering Because you pretend To know everything" [Crow.]
"Oh, you still here?" [Jonah.]
Hey, Owen Wilson.
[electricity crackling.]
On fire.
[Crow.]
Ah! Akton dogs! [Tom.]
Ladies and gentlemen, the Starcrash casino, in association with Steve Winwood and AIG, present Liberace and his all-boy army! Man-Sized Action! Father.
[Jonah.]
"Ugh, it's my no-account son.
" [Crow.]
"All right, son, how much is this one gonna cost me?" [Simon.]
We must leave at once.
[Stella.]
48 seconds left till the explosion.
We've got to get out of here.
It's true, Father.
The Count has mined the planet with nuclear charges.
We're all about to die! - You know something, my boy? - [Tom.]
"I'm ready to die.
" I wouldn't be emperor if I didn't have some powers at my command.
[Jonah clears throat.]
"Mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi.
" - Imperial battleship! - [all.]
"Yeah!" Halt the flow of time! [Tom.]
You know what they say You've got to take time to stop time.
[Jonah.]
Who says that? In the space of three minutes, every molecule on this planet will be immobilized.
[Crow.]
"But wait.
I'm full of molecules!" After the third minute, the green ray loses its power.
Time will flow once again, and everything will explode.
Three minutes are enough, Father.
[Tom.]
"If you want him, Stella, he's yours.
" [Jonah.]
"But I still smell Akton.
Oh, well.
" [Crow.]
"Come on, girls! We've got a star to crash!" [ray pulsing.]
- [Jonah.]
Whoa! - [Tom laughs.]
- [Jonah.]
Well, I guess they - [Crow.]
Oh, yeah! - [Jonah.]
They almost made it.
- [Crow.]
All right! It's over! [Jonah.]
That's a weird way to end a movie.
Let's go.
Let's get out of here.
- [Crow.]
Oh! - [all.]
Aw! [Tom.]
This is the bridge.
I can't figure out exactly how it fits into the layout of the ship either.
[Emperor.]
Now the Count believes that we are dead, that our armies have dispersed, and that we have no leader.
[Jonah.]
"Or even half a liter.
" [snickers.]
He is supremely confident that he can overcome us with the greatest of ease.
[Crow.]
The daring young count on the flying trapeze.
Well, then now is the time to surprise him.
[Tom.]
"With a spa day!" We will attack his headquarters before his fleets can join him.
If we succeed in this, we could save billions of lives.
[Jonah sighs.]
"That kind of thing used to really excite me.
" - Gather together all our legions! - Sir! [Crow.]
"Excellent read, Nathan.
There are no small parts.
" And order the attack.
[Tom.]
"I'll get right on it, sir! Did you hear what the emperor asked me to do? I'm in charge! I'm somebody! He asked me! This is going to be great! I'm gonna put on my special armor.
Hey, give me that flag! Hand it over here!" [Jonah.]
Introducing the most incredible line of die-cast metal vehicles from Paranoid Pictures' Starcrash, the motion picture! [Crow.]
There's Akton's "Perm-Wing Fighter"! [Tom.]
Stella's "Permanent Wave Rider"! [Jonah.]
Elle's "Southern Comfort"! [Crow.]
Thor's dead now! [Tom.]
The Count's "Pain Farm"! [Jonah.]
Simon's "Eyeliner"! [Crow.]
Don't forget the little guys! Special mini-vehicles included in each specially marked package! [Tom.]
Step aside for the "Grover Cleveland"! [Jonah.]
And here comes the "Upside-Down Gun"! [Crow.]
And don't forget "Duffy"! [Tom.]
"Lactose the Intolerant"! [Jonah.]
"The Bauhaus Brawler"! [Crow.]
Tipsy McKnight and her "Flight From McLight"! [Tom.]
The "Wii Remote"! [Jonah.]
"Hootie's Blowfish"! [Crow.]
"Bad Blood"! [Tom.]
And the mini-minis, special teeny-tiny vehicles.
They'll be lost the second you open the package! [Jonah.]
There goes the "Meat Wagon"! - Toot, toot! - [Crow.]
And his friend, "Mr.
Monster's Creature Car"! [Tom.]
How about buying a second "Wii Remote" so you can play with friends? [Jonah.]
Don't forget "The Repeater"! [Crow.]
"The Groundhog Day"! [Tom.]
And their friend "Memento"! [Jonah.]
Special two-pack edition! Same ships.
You get two! [Crow.]
"Christopher Plummer's Little Helper"! [Tom.]
"Mother's Little Helper"! And my "Brother From Another Mother"! [Crow.]
Don't forget "Tupac Shakur"! [Tom.]
The "I Can't Think of One"! - [Jonah.]
Now, that's just good TV.
- [Crow.]
And lots of it.
[Tom.]
"I really should jump the Snake River Canyon one of these days.
" [Crow.]
Oh, I get it now.
During the big space-battle scene, the two fingers to the right and the two fingers to the left are either gonna fold down or get blown off.
Am I right? Am I right? Yeah? - By sunset - [Jonah.]
In space? I'll be the new emperor! And I will be the master of the whole universe! [Tom.]
He's practicing in his room.
[Max.]
You're watching Starcrash on MST3K.
It's moon o'clock and 200 degrees below 0.
[upbeat music.]
[Tom.]
You get Meeny, Miney, and their friend Mo.
[Jonah.]
Okay, that's got to stop.
[Crow.]
"How many spaceships do we own? I don't remember signing all these purchase orders.
" [Tom.]
"Maybe a third gold chain.
No, it's too much.
" [Jonah.]
Whoa! They're launching missiles directly from the homecoming dance? [Crow.]
Finally, some spaceships.
Enemy arriving with torpedoes.
Prepare for attack.
[Tom.]
"Uh, I've got nice features.
" [Jonah.]
"We're here to caulk the windows!" [Tom.]
"Well, we could gut the nuclear warheads, stick a couple guys in there with rifle rays.
It'd give it that human touch, you know?" [guard.]
Over there! Over there! Who's hit? Kill! Kill! [Crow.]
"Faster, pussycat!" [guard.]
Over there! We've got them, Father.
It's working.
[all.]
"Don't forget us!" - [Tom.]
La Cage aux Death.
- [Count.]
Kill! Kill! [Jonah.]
"Whee! [coughs.]
" [Tom.]
"The company laser tag team-building exercise had a surprisingly high casualty rate.
Johnson from HR is dead.
" [Crow.]
"Guys, there's a good reason.
They're using live lasers.
" [Tom.]
"Steve from Accounting's in slow motion.
Must have been taking hits off the time ray on his break.
I'd report it to HR, but as I've just stated earlier, Johnson is dead.
" [Jonah.]
"I pity the fool.
" [Crow.]
"Don't take the pole, soldier.
It's not dignified after a battle.
" [Tom.]
I call this Dude Descending a Staircase.
- [Crow.]
What? - [Tom.]
It was the hit of the 1913 Armory Show.
It introduced modern art to Ah, forget it.
[Jonah.]
Space Mountain with the lights on.
They never show you how many people get killed on that ride.
I took a secret Disney tour.
[Tom.]
Team Rollo's down! Now let's give the Emperor a great reception.
Put in use our mightiest weapon, the Doom Machine! [Crow.]
"Registered trademark!" Send it off towards the Emperor's capital world and destroy the Emperor's imperial planet! [shouts indistinctly.]
[Jonah.]
"We win!" It's over.
We're finished.
[Jonah.]
Bummer.
We've lost.
[Crow.]
"You are an astonishingly crappy leader.
" No.
[Tom.]
No, no, no, no, no, no, no No, there's still a way.
There's one solution left.
[Jonah.]
"Declare bankruptcy.
" I'm afraid we're forced to use it.
What? [Tom.]
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" - Starcrash.
- [Crow.]
Oh! Fourth-dimensional attack.
- Yes.
- [Crow.]
"Yes, Starcrash.
" If we can reenter space at the precise moment, the impact of surprise upon the Count will be so overwhelming that he cannot halt us.
But, Father, there is no weapon powerful enough.
- Oh, yes, there is.
- [Crow giggles coyly.]
- The floating city.
- The floating city.
- Yes.
Yes, I know.
- [Tom.]
"The floating city.
" Although we'd destroy its hope, its future, I'm afraid we must sacrifice it by setting it towards the Count's fortress.
[Crow.]
You know that's the fastest I've ever seen you talk? It's our only way.
[Tom.]
"But I can't Starcrash with everyone looking at me.
It's just too much.
" Now you must help me.
[Crow.]
"By shutting up and letting me think for a change!" Both of you.
Go, and direct its course.
[Jonah.]
"You'll have to let go of our hands first.
Strong grip! Man should be in a circus.
Strong man.
" [Tom.]
"You think Stella would go for an older guy? Like, if he were kind of kingly and maybe had a time ray?" [Jonah.]
"Thank you for moving that.
Much appreciated.
" [Crow.]
"We need a pole that goes up!" Zoltan! [Zoltan.]
Yes, my lord? Now, set the Doom Machine against the Imperial Space Station itself.
How long will it take? - [Zoltan.]
15 minutes.
- Then, set it in motion.
I want to wipe out the Emperor from the whole of the universe.
[Jonah.]
"You said 'hole, ' sir.
" [Tom.]
Starcrash Vehicles presents the silver series! - [Jonah groans.]
- Look the floating city, already evacuated.
The technicians have already set the charges and freed the atomic engines.
If everything goes smoothly, I'll try to eject myself as soon as I reenter space.
- [Crow.]
"Modern lady.
" - But surely I'll come with you.
[Stella.]
No, no, no.
It's more important that you stay here to rescue me once this is all over.
[Tom.]
"Right on.
" All right.
I'll stay.
But I cannot let you go alone.
In fact, our best scientists have spent the last few hours reconstructing an old friend of yours.
[Jonah.]
"Thor? Akton? The cavemen we killed? Oh.
" Elle! You can't keep a good robot down.
[Tom.]
"Careful on these steps! I crack me up.
" This is incredible.
They rebuilt you, but how? You look marvelous.
Very carefully, and they used the latest components.
[Crow.]
"Perhaps you don't recognize me with my red arm.
" Go now, quickly.
The survival of our galaxy is in your hands.
[Tom.]
"Stella, I've been craving you.
" [Jonah.]
"Elle, give it a rest.
" [Crow.]
"At least the laundry's done.
" Get ready to ease out of orbit.
[Tom.]
"Baby, I never ease out of anything.
I'm that intense! Git 'er done.
" [Stella.]
This doesn't make you nervous, does it? [Elle.]
I've never flown a city before.
[Jonah.]
"But I did swim a circus once.
" [laughing.]
[Tom.]
And the starship "Container Store" moves into action.
[Crow.]
Oh, look, Barrel of Monkeys, some of Mom's rollers, Hungry, Hungry Hippos.
There's a Rubik's Cube! [Jonah.]
Salt and pepper shakers from the 99 Cents Store.
[Tom.]
Dixie cup dispenser, thermos, couple of garters, one marble.
[Crow.]
Oh, and one of those things from an air-hockey table.
Build up maximum energy.
We must leap through the very heart of the stars.
My lord! Yes, Elrich? A floating ship is about to crash into us! What? Zoltan! [Jonah.]
"I can make change for a dollar!" Destroy the floating ship approaching us.
[Tom.]
"Give me maximum fistage!" [Crow.]
Yeah, I called it.
Here it comes.
It can't be done.
It's too close.
[Jonah.]
PAC-MAN? [Elle.]
There it is.
Dead ahead.
[Stella.]
All right! [Crow.]
Friendship fist! [Elle.]
The Count's fighters! [Stella.]
We've got to evade them.
[lasers fire.]
[all.]
School's out for Starcrash [all imitating guitar playing.]
[Jonah.]
Finally, it's over.
Let's get out of here, okay? Whoo-hoo! Yeah.
[Tom.]
They forgot to put it in park.
[Count.]
Come back, you fools! You cowards! Come back, I say! - [Elrich.]
My lord! - [Count.]
Yes, Elrich? Come, or you'll be destroyed! - Stay with me.
- Let go! [Crow.]
Elle's been using the Michelin Man Butt-Blaster workout DVD, I see.
Let's get out of here, or there won't be enough left of me to put back together.
You can bet on that.
[Tom.]
"So long, sucker.
" Circuits, don't fail me now.
[Jonah.]
She's gone full rag doll.
Yee-ha! [Crow.]
The Starcrash tribute to Slim Pickens.
[Tom.]
I read the news today, oh, boy [shouting.]
[Crow.]
James Hetfield ruins yet another Metallica concert.
[Jonah.]
So, what's your Starcrash resolution? [Tom.]
I think I'm gonna start pretending I knew things were gonna happen right after they happen.
I really like the way Akton did that.
[Jonah.]
Crow, what about you? [Crow.]
Me? I'm gonna be hootin' and hollerin' Southern robot.
Kids love cowboys.
They love robots.
I'll be like Woody and Buzz Lightyear.
[Tom.]
What about you, Jonah? [Jonah.]
Oh, I don't know.
I haven't really thought about it.
[Crow.]
"Feel that under your feet? That's the subwoofers.
" [Tom.]
"Now rewind back to the part about the Amazons.
" [Jonah.]
Here comes the shockwave! [Gypsy.]
She's fine.
She'll just swim home through the vastness of space.
She's got this.
- [Jonah.]
You're gonna crash! - [Tom.]
"Ah!" Tha-thump.
It's Simon.
Simon, we're over here.
[Crow.]
"Okay, we see you.
We're just trying to find a place to park.
" Stella! Stella! And welcome home.
[Tom.]
"I know it looks like I'm smiling, but I'm dying.
I need oxygen.
It's bittersweet.
I just found love before my death!" - Stella.
- Hmm? - Simon.
- Hmm? - Oh, Stella.
- Hmm? - Simon.
- Mm-hmm! [Jonah.]
"No sugar for the robot? Good night, everybody! Ha ha!" - Well, it's done.
- [Tom.]
"A star was crashed.
" It's happened.
The stars are clear.
[Crow.]
"Of all charges.
" The planets shine.
[Jonah.]
"We wax them.
" We've won.
[Tom.]
"We had to grind this one out, but, hey, any win is a big win.
" Oh, some dark force, no doubt, will show its face once more.
[Crow.]
"In Starcrash 2: The Search for Thor.
" The wheel will always turn.
[Jonah.]
"They do turn.
I'm saying that right, aren't I?" But for now, it's calm.
[Tom.]
"But here we go again!" And for a little time at least we can rest.
[Crow.]
"So is someone going to help me out of this?" [Tom.]
And Lewis Coates did his darndest [doors clanking and whirring.]
[laughing maniacally.]
Commence the astro-assault! Starcrash! - More! - Yeah! Starcrash! Pew, pew, pew! I love the smell of napalm in the morning in space! [laughs.]
- Here's Johnny! - [laughs.]
Okay, that one Yippee-ki-yay, mother Oh! Okay, guys.
I think we've had enough of the torpedo stuff.
We don't really Hashtag torpedo! Live from New York, it's the torpedo sketch! Musical guest David Bowie and Tin Machine! Does that count as driving them insane? I don't even know anymore.
[exhales deeply.]
Ooh.
Push the button, Max.
[computers pulsing.]
[laughs.]